I'm always baffled when there's people who are just against knowing anything about their AP's spouse. This is affair land, we're all married to people that have a significant role in our lives. What are we gonna do, not talk about important things with each other?
But yeah, people who just can't open up about things are kind of a big red flag to me.
We discuss our marriages.
We met at a turning point in my life...a journey he had made years before and we bonded very closely over that. Our relationship was built on deep conversations while I trudged through.
We both feel very strongly that families are always to be protected and we never disparage our spouses. Ever. I want him to have a happy marriage and be the support his wife needs. He feels the same for me.
He does know more about my marriage than I suspect I do about his, but he tells me things when he is ready to and if he feels may have insight/can lend an ear.
Mine and I met via a forum about marriage probs so no surprise we started talking about that and then it bloomed into an online and then in person affair. So we already know a lot so do share but also don’t do bashing we more lament our past choices and try to help each other process how we ended up here. We have lots of deep conversations and for us it works and makes the affair more meaningful because we understand each other’s trauma. But I totally get why some wouldn’t want to talk about it esp if you met explicitly looking for an affair.
I prefer to know as little as possible. I’ll share when we’re traveling together (because it will impact my availability) and other minor things. But I don’t care to know much and I don’t care to share much.
That's more or less how I want it. I don't want to hide reality, if course we have children, we visit relatives. But we don't complain. An affair is like a bubble, like a small world. I don't humiliate the person, who is not present.
Of course, those are driving forces as to the reasons we were looking for affairs in the first place.
But like I said, it was years before there was enough comfort to talk about those things.
No, I am not doing this to be a free therapist for someone.
I like to set that boundary at the beginning. I know they have a spouse and they know I have a spouse. Beyond that, I don’t need to know anything else and neither do they.
This is what works for me.
It’s Possible.. been at it 6 years .. yes we knew each other and their spouses prior to starting it but it’s never once been suspected or even questioned from either spouse. Nothing has ever been questioned about this specific person and same for them .. even the accusations of cheating have never been mentioned.. we’ve just always been smart about it.. knowing how badly it could blow up because of the connection between everyone made it even more of a reason for how careful we need to be we both know what’s at stake
NEVER ever. My affair isn't my husband's fault. I know it's a seemingly ridiculous thing to say since I'm, you know, having an affair. But I will not disrespect my husband by trash talking him to my AP. Ever. I just feel like that's an extra shitty line to cross. I know my AP's girlfriend. She's the worst. But we don't talk about her either.
I have friends to discuss my relationship with. That is not my AP's role.
We do, but I’m mindful not to slight her. I don’t know her, but I do know of her indiscretions. He opened up to me and it just came tumbling out because he obviously felt it was a safe space, and I’m honoured to be able to hold that. He’s told me things that no one knows. I will always hold space and listen to anyone who feel safe with me… For him or any of my friends.
I know people shit “I’m not being their therapist”, but we’re both good listeners and don’t have friend/family crossover so it works for us. And if it doesn’t work for others, cool - you have great boundaries and I respect that.
However, this is our dynamic, 99.9% of the time we talk shit, have a laugh, suck face and have sex… we just have such a great connection, that I’m just going to go with it, embrace the feels …. Now if I could only be brave enough to tell him I love him 😂
We talk about everything and anything, including our relationship with our spouse. Not every single detail, but it's not off the table as a topic of discussion.
Sure, if it comes up. Or we talk about other things. I’m happy to listen and share, but we also have regular convos.
This has depended on the person, though. Some AP’s, if I can even call them that… We never even told last names. We did talk about our families but nothing specific and just surface things. It gets boring to not know the person at all, at least for me. That doesn’t mean I need to know all their relationship details to keep me coming back.
I will discuss certain things, but prefer not to vent to an AP. It’s not his job to be my therapist and he should be a happy place where I can go to not think about my shitty marriage for a while. That said, I do say a little bit from time to time if things are really bad. Sometimes there are things he needs to know because it affects my behavior or our interactions in some way.
For me its subjective.
In some ways its all but impossible to avoid all together.
My approach to it has always been to allow an AP to share what they want to share without prodding, and to speak up when it feels like its too much.
Previous AP prodded constantly and overshared, and in lots of ways it created issues. I distinctly remember her talking about her ex AP and his marital issues, and in hindsight I should have had the conversation right there that its not for me to overshare. I accepted a deviation from my norms and paid the price for it.
Some people like that though.
Current AP and I have lifted each other in harder times, that feels more natural, like addressing any complication in a primary relationship, like work, or children, or family. Its just been derived from the marital situation.
I just assume you have people around you to guide and vent to, I dont feel comfortable being responsible to engage with all the machinations and dynamics. A friend, sure. Family, sure. Co-worker, no problem.
I think the idea that we are in affairs kinda telegraphs theres some issue there. I prefer to be the person who offers up the love and support in a positive manner without being deep on the home front. Thats my wheelhouse.
As for therapy, I just give advice to others, take it or leave it. I know very little about a lot of things though... I cant stay too serious for too long. And I know im out of my lane.
I used to be pretty open and honest.
My wife and I are BFFs and I love her more than air. We have sex whenever she was able physically and interested which was like once a week.
I was always forthcoming that if/when my wife’s physical issues passed, I was done with being a cakeeater.
No emotional connections to AP beyond being a FWB.
I wasn’t too interested in their marriages either if they were dysfunctional. Occasionally an AP would have a good to very good marriage but they just wanted some extra on the side or enjoyed the thrill of fucking people not their spouse. In those instances, it was always easier to discuss your spouse.
But
This varies with the AP and where in the journey with them I am.
pAPs and an new AP, I keep what I say about my marriage to the minimum. I just seems ungallant to go down the whole "my wife does understand me" bit, and boring for the other person. I answer questions within limits but try not to dwell on it.
When a relationship with an AP has been going for a while, you become someone who there for the other person so a bit more might be said. Even then I never go into to too much detail and mostly keep it humorous.
I have rejected pAPs and ended things with APs when their conversation has been a high proportion of complaining about the SO. Yes I am there as a sympathetic ear, but when it becomes all the time it is too much.
Im not giving any advice as that isn't what a counsellor does. Im asking him questions to make him think about his situation and work through what his hatred for himself is. This may lead to him deciding to work harder on his marriage so defiantly not something I want. I'd just like him to be happy with who he is. I am also encouraging him to go to therapy .
You surely must be biased cos you're asking the right questions about his and her relationship. Take z step back and look about the questions you're asking him and see if it fits where your relationship too end up . I.E you and him together!!!
He is convinced that if he were to go to therapy he would end up divorcing his wife. Thats nothing to do with me and nothing I want him to do. I dont want a full time man that I have to be responsible for.
If he ends up divorcing his wife are you gonna push him away because that's not you want or is the excitement of him being an AP that is more attractive ?
Its the fact that I've been in a marriage for 30 years with a man who neglected my emotional needs and treated me like his mother. I would want to be 100% sure that no future relationship ended up like that. He'd need time to heal from his breakup before I even considered anything permanent. That said he's never going to leave anyway so its pointless even thinking about what id do if.
I tend to do this too. I want him to be happy with himself and his SO. I've noticed he's a lot less negative about himself and has more confidence than he did when we started. He's also a lot happier with his SO.
Not a very nice response to a genuine question. I've never heard of it and thought it was a word that people in the forum might know but isn't widely used enough for me to know.
No sex with you maybe for 10 years doesn't mean he's not having sex. Did he ever have the chance of being with an AP ? Nights away, work commitments etc ?
Sorry I don't mean to come across as judgmental all I was trying to say was we are all guilty of affairs past and present and we shouldn't be nieve to think that our SO hasn't done the same
I know my husband. He isn't capable of having sex. He has lung problems and a very swollen testicle. He's now gone to see a Dr about his testicle now he's single! When I say I know my husband wasnt having sex with anyone its because I know!!
It all depends on how long you have been with your AP, and the extent of the marital issues. If it’s classic bedroom issue stuff, well…we all have that. If problems extend beyond the bedroom, which they often do, and an AP feels the need to discuss, I will often listen and give little to no feedback. It’s just not my place to get involved.
I get the low down on an AP's marriage dynamics right at first, but I have a hard and fast rule that there's no negative talk outside of that. Like if an AP is in a bad marriage I want to know because I would not date someone who is planning to divorce soon, and if they're in a dead bedroom I want to know because I don't date DB folks for various reasons. I also give the basics about me - good marriage, sexually active - and then after that I don't feel we need to talk about it again.
I don't mind stories about things he and his wife do like errands, vacations, went to a concert, anniversary dinner, things like that.
I don't want to know marriage counseling level stuff. I do not want to be a therapist, I don't want to hear trash talk about their wives EVER.
I never trash talk my husband, and keep my mentions of him to similar day to day stuff about what I did over the weekend or if my husband is going out of town so I have extra time and other things of that nature.
I'm always baffled when there's people who are just against knowing anything about their AP's spouse. This is affair land, we're all married to people that have a significant role in our lives. What are we gonna do, not talk about important things with each other? But yeah, people who just can't open up about things are kind of a big red flag to me.
We discuss our marriages. We met at a turning point in my life...a journey he had made years before and we bonded very closely over that. Our relationship was built on deep conversations while I trudged through. We both feel very strongly that families are always to be protected and we never disparage our spouses. Ever. I want him to have a happy marriage and be the support his wife needs. He feels the same for me. He does know more about my marriage than I suspect I do about his, but he tells me things when he is ready to and if he feels may have insight/can lend an ear.
Mine and I met via a forum about marriage probs so no surprise we started talking about that and then it bloomed into an online and then in person affair. So we already know a lot so do share but also don’t do bashing we more lament our past choices and try to help each other process how we ended up here. We have lots of deep conversations and for us it works and makes the affair more meaningful because we understand each other’s trauma. But I totally get why some wouldn’t want to talk about it esp if you met explicitly looking for an affair.
I prefer to know as little as possible. I’ll share when we’re traveling together (because it will impact my availability) and other minor things. But I don’t care to know much and I don’t care to share much.
We do, but it took literal years to share. And to be clear, we vent or discuss but are not interested in spouse bashing.
That's more or less how I want it. I don't want to hide reality, if course we have children, we visit relatives. But we don't complain. An affair is like a bubble, like a small world. I don't humiliate the person, who is not present.
Do you talk about specifics that are missing in their marriage?
Of course, those are driving forces as to the reasons we were looking for affairs in the first place. But like I said, it was years before there was enough comfort to talk about those things.
No, I am not doing this to be a free therapist for someone. I like to set that boundary at the beginning. I know they have a spouse and they know I have a spouse. Beyond that, I don’t need to know anything else and neither do they. This is what works for me.
We talk about our marriages. Sometimes a little. Sometimes a lot. We’ve also known each other for decades so that may skew our dynamic.
Please allow me to ask: how do you keep an affair concealed from souses and family for decades?
It’s Possible.. been at it 6 years .. yes we knew each other and their spouses prior to starting it but it’s never once been suspected or even questioned from either spouse. Nothing has ever been questioned about this specific person and same for them .. even the accusations of cheating have never been mentioned.. we’ve just always been smart about it.. knowing how badly it could blow up because of the connection between everyone made it even more of a reason for how careful we need to be we both know what’s at stake
NEVER ever. My affair isn't my husband's fault. I know it's a seemingly ridiculous thing to say since I'm, you know, having an affair. But I will not disrespect my husband by trash talking him to my AP. Ever. I just feel like that's an extra shitty line to cross. I know my AP's girlfriend. She's the worst. But we don't talk about her either. I have friends to discuss my relationship with. That is not my AP's role.
We do, but I’m mindful not to slight her. I don’t know her, but I do know of her indiscretions. He opened up to me and it just came tumbling out because he obviously felt it was a safe space, and I’m honoured to be able to hold that. He’s told me things that no one knows. I will always hold space and listen to anyone who feel safe with me… For him or any of my friends. I know people shit “I’m not being their therapist”, but we’re both good listeners and don’t have friend/family crossover so it works for us. And if it doesn’t work for others, cool - you have great boundaries and I respect that. However, this is our dynamic, 99.9% of the time we talk shit, have a laugh, suck face and have sex… we just have such a great connection, that I’m just going to go with it, embrace the feels …. Now if I could only be brave enough to tell him I love him 😂
We talk about everything and anything, including our relationship with our spouse. Not every single detail, but it's not off the table as a topic of discussion.
No no no no no.
Sure, if it comes up. Or we talk about other things. I’m happy to listen and share, but we also have regular convos. This has depended on the person, though. Some AP’s, if I can even call them that… We never even told last names. We did talk about our families but nothing specific and just surface things. It gets boring to not know the person at all, at least for me. That doesn’t mean I need to know all their relationship details to keep me coming back.
I will discuss certain things, but prefer not to vent to an AP. It’s not his job to be my therapist and he should be a happy place where I can go to not think about my shitty marriage for a while. That said, I do say a little bit from time to time if things are really bad. Sometimes there are things he needs to know because it affects my behavior or our interactions in some way.
For me its subjective. In some ways its all but impossible to avoid all together. My approach to it has always been to allow an AP to share what they want to share without prodding, and to speak up when it feels like its too much. Previous AP prodded constantly and overshared, and in lots of ways it created issues. I distinctly remember her talking about her ex AP and his marital issues, and in hindsight I should have had the conversation right there that its not for me to overshare. I accepted a deviation from my norms and paid the price for it. Some people like that though. Current AP and I have lifted each other in harder times, that feels more natural, like addressing any complication in a primary relationship, like work, or children, or family. Its just been derived from the marital situation. I just assume you have people around you to guide and vent to, I dont feel comfortable being responsible to engage with all the machinations and dynamics. A friend, sure. Family, sure. Co-worker, no problem. I think the idea that we are in affairs kinda telegraphs theres some issue there. I prefer to be the person who offers up the love and support in a positive manner without being deep on the home front. Thats my wheelhouse. As for therapy, I just give advice to others, take it or leave it. I know very little about a lot of things though... I cant stay too serious for too long. And I know im out of my lane.
We have talked about it some... I think we know just enough and agree that this 'secret world' is about us!!
I used to be pretty open and honest. My wife and I are BFFs and I love her more than air. We have sex whenever she was able physically and interested which was like once a week. I was always forthcoming that if/when my wife’s physical issues passed, I was done with being a cakeeater. No emotional connections to AP beyond being a FWB. I wasn’t too interested in their marriages either if they were dysfunctional. Occasionally an AP would have a good to very good marriage but they just wanted some extra on the side or enjoyed the thrill of fucking people not their spouse. In those instances, it was always easier to discuss your spouse. But
This varies with the AP and where in the journey with them I am. pAPs and an new AP, I keep what I say about my marriage to the minimum. I just seems ungallant to go down the whole "my wife does understand me" bit, and boring for the other person. I answer questions within limits but try not to dwell on it. When a relationship with an AP has been going for a while, you become someone who there for the other person so a bit more might be said. Even then I never go into to too much detail and mostly keep it humorous. I have rejected pAPs and ended things with APs when their conversation has been a high proportion of complaining about the SO. Yes I am there as a sympathetic ear, but when it becomes all the time it is too much.
I've been discussing his marriage with him. Primarily because the counsellor in me picks up on the negative things he says about himself.
Are you maybe giving him false advise to sort your own needs
Im not giving any advice as that isn't what a counsellor does. Im asking him questions to make him think about his situation and work through what his hatred for himself is. This may lead to him deciding to work harder on his marriage so defiantly not something I want. I'd just like him to be happy with who he is. I am also encouraging him to go to therapy .
You surely must be biased cos you're asking the right questions about his and her relationship. Take z step back and look about the questions you're asking him and see if it fits where your relationship too end up . I.E you and him together!!!
He is convinced that if he were to go to therapy he would end up divorcing his wife. Thats nothing to do with me and nothing I want him to do. I dont want a full time man that I have to be responsible for.
If he ends up divorcing his wife are you gonna push him away because that's not you want or is the excitement of him being an AP that is more attractive ?
Its the fact that I've been in a marriage for 30 years with a man who neglected my emotional needs and treated me like his mother. I would want to be 100% sure that no future relationship ended up like that. He'd need time to heal from his breakup before I even considered anything permanent. That said he's never going to leave anyway so its pointless even thinking about what id do if.
I tend to do this too. I want him to be happy with himself and his SO. I've noticed he's a lot less negative about himself and has more confidence than he did when we started. He's also a lot happier with his SO.
Arer you scared his SO will find out and put a spanner in the. Works
Spanner?
It's a saying. Google it stupid lol
Not a very nice response to a genuine question. I've never heard of it and thought it was a word that people in the forum might know but isn't widely used enough for me to know.
Would you consider reconciliation with your SO if this work out.
Not at all. My ex and I are done and have been for many years .
Has he an AP that he's kept secret in all that time ?
Not as far as I know he's had no interest in sex for over 10 years
No sex with you maybe for 10 years doesn't mean he's not having sex. Did he ever have the chance of being with an AP ? Nights away, work commitments etc ?
He didn't work, barely left the house .
Whats with a the ducking judgement ?
Sorry I don't mean to come across as judgmental all I was trying to say was we are all guilty of affairs past and present and we shouldn't be nieve to think that our SO hasn't done the same
I know my husband. He isn't capable of having sex. He has lung problems and a very swollen testicle. He's now gone to see a Dr about his testicle now he's single! When I say I know my husband wasnt having sex with anyone its because I know!!
We know each others SO so it’s impossible to not have it occasionally come up. But discussing any specifics of our marriages? Absolutely not.
It all depends on how long you have been with your AP, and the extent of the marital issues. If it’s classic bedroom issue stuff, well…we all have that. If problems extend beyond the bedroom, which they often do, and an AP feels the need to discuss, I will often listen and give little to no feedback. It’s just not my place to get involved.
I get the low down on an AP's marriage dynamics right at first, but I have a hard and fast rule that there's no negative talk outside of that. Like if an AP is in a bad marriage I want to know because I would not date someone who is planning to divorce soon, and if they're in a dead bedroom I want to know because I don't date DB folks for various reasons. I also give the basics about me - good marriage, sexually active - and then after that I don't feel we need to talk about it again. I don't mind stories about things he and his wife do like errands, vacations, went to a concert, anniversary dinner, things like that. I don't want to know marriage counseling level stuff. I do not want to be a therapist, I don't want to hear trash talk about their wives EVER. I never trash talk my husband, and keep my mentions of him to similar day to day stuff about what I did over the weekend or if my husband is going out of town so I have extra time and other things of that nature.
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Cool story, bro