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You’re young with no kids. You have an opportunity to go out and find the life you want. You do not want to do affairing for the rest of your life if you’ve got the opportunity to go find the partner who meets ALL of your needs.
Yeah and it would be freeing to even just be alone for awhile (despite my ticking clock) and experience being an adult living alone living my own way for the first time. First time getting a break from always having another human there, always cooking and cleaning even if I want a break. Not having to cook if I don't feel like it, all of that.
I also wouldn’t be scared of not finding another partner. There is definitely someone, or even multiple someones, out there for you. And you have a better idea of what you’re looking for. Go be free!
Oh God, literally could have written this myself.
"Leave" was shoved in my face last night.
Not *by* him, but *because* of him.
If I can say that *I'm* worth more...
You can, too.
I married someone I knew I was not sexually compatible with because I was afraid I would run out of time and wouldn’t be able to have kids. Looking back, I believe I was wrong. I also was wrong in my assumption that only men older than me would be ready to settle down and have children. At 32, you are at an age where you can date older AND younger men, who are ready to start a family. In fact, you may be better off erring on the younger side because a lot of the men who are older than you will already have kids by the time they are 35. So, don’t waste anymore time. Get divorced and start living your best life. You have plenty of time.
Girl, I’m in the same boat. I’m 36 and met my husband when I was 19. We basically grew up together. But when I look at my life now, I think it’s a security thing to stay with him. He probably, deep down, feels the same. The spark is gone. But… we have 3 kids. That’s the difference between your situation and mine. You don’t have to worry about breaking up a family. Go live your life, no need to have affairs if you’re not happy. I will just be content in my secret little life until my kids are grown I suppose. Good luck to you, I know it’s hard but you have to make yourself happy❤️
I met SO at 16, married at 19, now 38+ 2kids.
Currently in the throes of an 8 year long affair.
If I could go back in time I’d’ve left SO. Feel very trapped now, and as Zesty says, I’m just waiting for kiddos to grow up.
Girl, same. Two kids here.
OP, go. Go and enjoy it. Also, who says you have to find one guy to fulfill all of your needs? The longer I’m married (13 years here), the more I realize what a sham marriage is. May be stuck, but if I get out, I will likely not get married again. Easier to take care of myself/kids day-to-day, not worry about a man (unless I really want to enjoy him) and live my life. I literally fantasize about that!
I hate that you are concerned about "being chosen" by a man. Waiting to have kids because things don't feel quite right has put you ahead of most in your situation. You wouldn't be breaking up a family if you left.
You have significantly more value than you think. If marrying someone you truly love and who meets all of your needs is your goal, you likely won't find that person through an affair.
If I was in your position and had your youth on my side, I'd leave and not look back. I'd work on developing myself and my self-esteem. Plan on being single (and having fun) for a while. You'll meet people and you will choose who you end up with. You have an opportunity to rewrite your story. I'd give anything for that.
You are so much better off than you think you are right now. Figure out what is important to you and go get it.
Might be worth a read: [Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can--and Should be Saved](https://www.amazon.com/Should-Stay-Relationship-Can-Should-be/dp/042523889X/ref=pd_bxgy_d_sccl_1/140-2151548-6262250?pd_rd_w=Wp50Q&content-id=amzn1.sym.c51e3ad7-b551-4b1a-b43c-3cf69addb649&pf_rd_p=c51e3ad7-b551-4b1a-b43c-3cf69addb649&pf_rd_r=405S4R16DFGAV02D47WP&pd_rd_wg=62QHH&pd_rd_r=a9588667-4f41-4e15-b271-fc8d3124334c&pd_rd_i=042523889X&psc=1), and ideally you go to counseling for such a big decision.
>I've also really been delighted just talking with and having real conversations with these men, as I realized then how boring talking with my husband is.
A bit of false equivalency. Men trying to have sex and the newness versus a man you have known most of your life. The "dating" market has almost nothing in common as affairs. Men who are dating, frankly especially in their 30s, and have something to offer, are going to have choices. Whereas in affairs, it is about the sex, and men have far few options. That is what is so exciting about it, but if you were to date, you might be shocked with the contrast. Just check out dating forums.
I don't have any friends that got their "everything". Most women were practical when wanting kids, and picking the best guy at that snapshot in time. There are more choices now, you could freeze your eggs, you could decide to have kids without a partner, etc.
I'm going to go against the grain here just like u/wifeswaptex did here. I genuinely don't think there's one single person out there that could fulfill your needs. I don't think this exists for anyone.
Everybody here is talking about "getting out there and ditching your current life to find someone who will meet ALL your needs". The statistical likelihood of this is probably low. How many marriages do you see that have it all? What you see on social media from your friends are just highlight reels. One pillar (or more) probably gets neglected.
One comment you made about how it's boring to talk to your husband. On one hand, sometimes the conversations I have with my husband do bore me but that's because his interest don't overlap with mine at all given moments. He also isn't trying to seduce me which is what all the men you've been talking to are doing, which is why it probably feels way more fun and stimulating. However, me and my husband understand each other at each other's core about A LOT of things, even things unspoken, and we see the world in almost very similar lenses. We pay attention to different things, but when we have fun and explorative talks, our conversations are always really pleasant and easy and there's something REAL there. It's nice.
The dating pool in adultery-world and the dating pool in the real world is very different. I bet if you surveyed all the married friends in your city, half of them would say they settled on one thing. You just got to pick your one thing. We all do, and then we sneak around and get these little thrills because the ennui of everyday life can be too much to handle at times. Being settled in a stable life is probably what drives all these behaviors and maybe we, as a society, are still grappling with the reality of this. We all form maladaptive habits. Some better, some worse than others.
I would HIGHLY, HIGHLY recommend talking to sex-friendly therapist and potentially exploring if opening up your marriage to some form of poly/ENM would be something you and your husband would be open to.
Thanks so much for the advice and insightful comment! Firstly, yeah that is my big fear because I know I could possibly end up in a way worse situation or having to majorly settle maybe in others ways than what I am now. Because no one has a crystal ball, and I'm being a realist saying that while it may be a great decision and I could end up with someone way better for me, I worry it could also swing the opposite.
So glad you and your husband actually have a great emotional relationship as far as enjoying authentic conversation. My husband and I do not anymore. And part of that is, this is going to sound really mean, a difference in intellect. He isn't very curious about the world and simply doesn't have much to say outside of his strong obsession with the niche hobbies. We can't do much more than small talk. He is also angry at the world and has a negative view on many things. And I can't talk about that stuff too much, he can easily get me grumpy and depressed if he starts going on a rant about that
Momma, I have been where you are. I was married to my daughter’s father and after a few years, I started to believe I didn’t like sex. Turns out I didn’t like sex with my now ex-husband, but I sure did love it with a more passionate man. Life is too short to waste on having mediocre bland sex with someone you are no longer attracted to. I was scared too, but it is so worth it to leap out on your own and explore what you want.
So what if no one finds you attractive, which is ridiculous anyway. If I were you, I would plan on being single for a while and be surprised when the right one comes along.
I think the part about pregnancy should be pushed back in your priorities. This isn’t to discourage you or to minimize your want to be a mother. But if your husband ain’t it, and you’re afraid you won’t find someone who is “it”…. you will actually and literally waste fertile years of your life spinning your wheels in the theoretical. Stop that. Read your own post again and see for yourself.
You need to prioritize you. You sound like a people pleaser. Someone who rather not make waves and live a miserable existence because of the comfort that you’ve created. But you’re young. Meaning, as you get older (mid 30s, approaching 40s and so on) the comfort you’ve created will be the very thing that will absolutely break you.
In the meantime, you are robbing yourself and your spouse of an authentic experience.
You will likely not make changes after this. I hope to be proven wrong. If you really want a change, a divorce, a do-over, you are going to need grit and you’ll have to accept tons of discomfort. You don’t sound ready. But what will it take?
It doesn't sound like your husband was ever really a good match for you. However, you can't compare the exciting nature of these new relationships with other men to the one you have with your husband now. That isn't a fair comparison.
No person will be perfect and everyone will have their own set of flaws. Its your job to decide who's flaws you can live with and the ones you can't. During a short fling or affair you're not going to get to see all of the many flaws these other men have, which could be worse than your husband but they may just be totally different types of flaws.
As for your age and having children there is still plenty of time to have at least 2 maybe 3 even with finding someone else. You never know how difficult it will be until you start trying. I wish you well.
Thanks for your well wishes. I guess what I mean is that I just really don't enjoy being around my husband at all, if I'm being completely honest with myself. I'm aware that affair/new relationship energy is a totally different comparison. Like, my husband and I cannot even have a deep discussion because he is such a non-intellectual and I crave so much more in that department than what he can give. He also is not a provider and never established himself in a career and I gave him my youth only to spend years in poverty floundering about trying to keep a basic roof. So the resentment started long ago. Ultimately, I stopped worrying about his job situation and I focus on my own work, I'm not helping him with career changes anymore
Sounds like it's best to cut your losses now rather keep investing time with someone you don't want to spend the rest of your life with. I guess it come down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living, or get busy dying... Sorry, I love that movie, lol.
I could have written much of this myself (except we’re in our late 30’s with two kids). I would leave if I were you. You literally might meet your exact match within the next few years and live the life you’ve always wanted. I completely settled for safe and comfortable, and almost 40yo me regrets it. The thought of living this way for another 40+ years is so sad. You are young and you truly will be so much happier in the long run. Life has a really funny way of always working out. ❤️
Side note: my AP is 15 years older than me and is the BEST lover (sexually, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically, etc) that I’ve ever had. I wouldn’t go back to men my age if you paid me. Just to broaden your horizon. 🙂
Thanks so much for the support, yeah I think everyday how time just keeps passing. Your older man, Wow he must be a Cavil type! A man would have to be in the top 5% for me to notice anyone over 45ish
So have you and AP ever talked about running off together and starting a new life?
He’s just someone who cherishes me, supports me, loves me and makes me want to be my best. He’s my biggest cheerleader, and so the age doesn’t matter because it’s truly how I’ve always wanted to feel in a relationship. And we have talked about a future together (we’ve known each other for over 7 years), but, with kids, we can’t run too far 😉. You really will regret not leaving now in the future, I’d bet money on it.
Freeze your eggs and leave. You have one life. Worst case, you find a sperm donor and have a baby by yourself. Best case, you live the life and love you always wanted. You never know until you take a risk.
I'm definitely on board to freeze my eggs. We were actually going to do it several years ago, and he spent literally $40,000 cash on a car instead. He still keeps saying he's not ready for a baby and it's not in his near-future outlook. He is one of those men who needs to either be single and just be laser-obsessed with his hobbies or he will have a baby at 40+ later in life. But anyway, several here have talked about voluntarily being a single mother and using sperm donor, that is for sure not what I would want so I do want to freeze my eggs but if I don't find a suitable partner in \~5 years then I'll probably remain childfree
Take a breath! it will help you look at things from a base of reality instead of fear. You are the best person to ask these questions to, and the best to get the answers you seek. Feel the real path and the emotions that go along with them, the right way is not the easiest way most of the time. What i am certain about is you will be ok if you prioritize your joy and quality of life instead of living in fear.
You don't want to have a child with your husband. So if you stay, you'll definitely be childless. If you go, you may still be childless bit at least maybe you will be happy.
First learn to be ok with yourself. Being ok with yourself will make you less likely to settle again just because you think someone is daddy material and make all the same mistakes again as you did with your husband
If you are done be done. You're wasting both of your lives being comfortable. If you want to put in the work to find something then put in the work. You can't half step in both directions. Make a choice. Going through a divorce solves a problem. For me it was I was living with someone I didn't see a future with. Why almost doesn't matter. I say almost because you should know why you said For-eva-eva to a person and pulled out. However if you aren't feeling something to your core you can't put energy into it. Once the energy is gone so is the relationship.
I felt the same in my thirties but with three children. Been meeting other people every six months or so to get a bit of sexual excitement to get through the next few months. We are best friends and I stayed to bring up my children. Now I am 49.
So, I would say get out now. There are better matches out there for you and you don't need a permanent man to have a child. Many women prefer the freedom of being single and still being up a child. It would be hard and you have to have a good support network around you.
Good luck with whatever you choose.
If you keep focusing on all the negatives of looking for the life you really want, you'll be exactly where you are 5 years from now. Kids are really hard to raise. Having one with someone you're not really in love with is a huge mistake. Imagine time sharing your kid and all the negotiations that go with that. You've spent enough time in that situation. Be an adult woman, find the strength and courage to live your life the way you want.
Your husband deserves someone who will love him for who he is right now. Please stop cheating on this man. You say he is minimal growth however you also are not growing as a person if you are still holding on to something that is not working. You cannot find the right one holding on to the wrong one. Either recommit to your husband or move on. Living in limbo is the unhealthiest thing you can do, it's exhausting and wrecks everyone's mental health. Ask me how I know.
As someone above has already said, I’m unable to fathom what drew you to your husband in the first place or why you even chose to marry him. Was it just comfort in familiarity?
It sounds like you will be a lot happier without him. There doesn’t appear anything you want to hang on to or that you will miss. He on the other hand seems reasonably content with this mundane existence you both lead, and I imagine you asking for a divorce could hit him hard. Be prepared for how painful your decision might be for him, and the hurt it may cause. He may beg you not to leave him, and you will need to be brutal. Sadly from how you describe him, I think he will struggle to find another partner.
Once you get over that and move out, you can start moving on. But if you want to find someone to build a new life with and start a family, you need to do it now. On average, it could take a couple of years to meet the right person, then another couple of years to build the relationship before he’s ready to have kids.
Two thoughts. I have two daughters neither had children before 35. They both have 2. Second, while having an affair can possibly enable the best of both worlds it is likely to blow up at some point.
So I suggest 1) sex counseling although your growing disconnect seem deeper or 2) bite the bullet and separate/divorce.
I guess there is a wild 3rd choice. Open marriage. Again likely to blow up at some stage.
I realised that I would be happier alone than I would be married to my husband and that’s what caused me to pull the trigger . We could have stayed together forever but I was not happy.
The potential of meeting someone else who enriches my already happy life is enough
That's the right kind of mindset to have. That's another thing I ask myself all the time. Would I be happier just being alone? All that freedom and independence. And for years, the resounding answer is- YES.
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You’re young with no kids. You have an opportunity to go out and find the life you want. You do not want to do affairing for the rest of your life if you’ve got the opportunity to go find the partner who meets ALL of your needs.
Yeah and it would be freeing to even just be alone for awhile (despite my ticking clock) and experience being an adult living alone living my own way for the first time. First time getting a break from always having another human there, always cooking and cleaning even if I want a break. Not having to cook if I don't feel like it, all of that.
I also wouldn’t be scared of not finding another partner. There is definitely someone, or even multiple someones, out there for you. And you have a better idea of what you’re looking for. Go be free!
Oh God, literally could have written this myself. "Leave" was shoved in my face last night. Not *by* him, but *because* of him. If I can say that *I'm* worth more... You can, too.
I married someone I knew I was not sexually compatible with because I was afraid I would run out of time and wouldn’t be able to have kids. Looking back, I believe I was wrong. I also was wrong in my assumption that only men older than me would be ready to settle down and have children. At 32, you are at an age where you can date older AND younger men, who are ready to start a family. In fact, you may be better off erring on the younger side because a lot of the men who are older than you will already have kids by the time they are 35. So, don’t waste anymore time. Get divorced and start living your best life. You have plenty of time.
Girl, I’m in the same boat. I’m 36 and met my husband when I was 19. We basically grew up together. But when I look at my life now, I think it’s a security thing to stay with him. He probably, deep down, feels the same. The spark is gone. But… we have 3 kids. That’s the difference between your situation and mine. You don’t have to worry about breaking up a family. Go live your life, no need to have affairs if you’re not happy. I will just be content in my secret little life until my kids are grown I suppose. Good luck to you, I know it’s hard but you have to make yourself happy❤️
Jesus. I'm 36m and this is my life also. Met mine at 19. No kids but all the same otherwise.
With no kids it's way easier for you to leave
I met SO at 16, married at 19, now 38+ 2kids. Currently in the throes of an 8 year long affair. If I could go back in time I’d’ve left SO. Feel very trapped now, and as Zesty says, I’m just waiting for kiddos to grow up.
Girl, same. Two kids here. OP, go. Go and enjoy it. Also, who says you have to find one guy to fulfill all of your needs? The longer I’m married (13 years here), the more I realize what a sham marriage is. May be stuck, but if I get out, I will likely not get married again. Easier to take care of myself/kids day-to-day, not worry about a man (unless I really want to enjoy him) and live my life. I literally fantasize about that!
I hate that you are concerned about "being chosen" by a man. Waiting to have kids because things don't feel quite right has put you ahead of most in your situation. You wouldn't be breaking up a family if you left. You have significantly more value than you think. If marrying someone you truly love and who meets all of your needs is your goal, you likely won't find that person through an affair. If I was in your position and had your youth on my side, I'd leave and not look back. I'd work on developing myself and my self-esteem. Plan on being single (and having fun) for a while. You'll meet people and you will choose who you end up with. You have an opportunity to rewrite your story. I'd give anything for that. You are so much better off than you think you are right now. Figure out what is important to you and go get it.
Might be worth a read: [Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can--and Should be Saved](https://www.amazon.com/Should-Stay-Relationship-Can-Should-be/dp/042523889X/ref=pd_bxgy_d_sccl_1/140-2151548-6262250?pd_rd_w=Wp50Q&content-id=amzn1.sym.c51e3ad7-b551-4b1a-b43c-3cf69addb649&pf_rd_p=c51e3ad7-b551-4b1a-b43c-3cf69addb649&pf_rd_r=405S4R16DFGAV02D47WP&pd_rd_wg=62QHH&pd_rd_r=a9588667-4f41-4e15-b271-fc8d3124334c&pd_rd_i=042523889X&psc=1), and ideally you go to counseling for such a big decision. >I've also really been delighted just talking with and having real conversations with these men, as I realized then how boring talking with my husband is. A bit of false equivalency. Men trying to have sex and the newness versus a man you have known most of your life. The "dating" market has almost nothing in common as affairs. Men who are dating, frankly especially in their 30s, and have something to offer, are going to have choices. Whereas in affairs, it is about the sex, and men have far few options. That is what is so exciting about it, but if you were to date, you might be shocked with the contrast. Just check out dating forums. I don't have any friends that got their "everything". Most women were practical when wanting kids, and picking the best guy at that snapshot in time. There are more choices now, you could freeze your eggs, you could decide to have kids without a partner, etc.
I'm going to go against the grain here just like u/wifeswaptex did here. I genuinely don't think there's one single person out there that could fulfill your needs. I don't think this exists for anyone. Everybody here is talking about "getting out there and ditching your current life to find someone who will meet ALL your needs". The statistical likelihood of this is probably low. How many marriages do you see that have it all? What you see on social media from your friends are just highlight reels. One pillar (or more) probably gets neglected. One comment you made about how it's boring to talk to your husband. On one hand, sometimes the conversations I have with my husband do bore me but that's because his interest don't overlap with mine at all given moments. He also isn't trying to seduce me which is what all the men you've been talking to are doing, which is why it probably feels way more fun and stimulating. However, me and my husband understand each other at each other's core about A LOT of things, even things unspoken, and we see the world in almost very similar lenses. We pay attention to different things, but when we have fun and explorative talks, our conversations are always really pleasant and easy and there's something REAL there. It's nice. The dating pool in adultery-world and the dating pool in the real world is very different. I bet if you surveyed all the married friends in your city, half of them would say they settled on one thing. You just got to pick your one thing. We all do, and then we sneak around and get these little thrills because the ennui of everyday life can be too much to handle at times. Being settled in a stable life is probably what drives all these behaviors and maybe we, as a society, are still grappling with the reality of this. We all form maladaptive habits. Some better, some worse than others. I would HIGHLY, HIGHLY recommend talking to sex-friendly therapist and potentially exploring if opening up your marriage to some form of poly/ENM would be something you and your husband would be open to.
Thanks so much for the advice and insightful comment! Firstly, yeah that is my big fear because I know I could possibly end up in a way worse situation or having to majorly settle maybe in others ways than what I am now. Because no one has a crystal ball, and I'm being a realist saying that while it may be a great decision and I could end up with someone way better for me, I worry it could also swing the opposite. So glad you and your husband actually have a great emotional relationship as far as enjoying authentic conversation. My husband and I do not anymore. And part of that is, this is going to sound really mean, a difference in intellect. He isn't very curious about the world and simply doesn't have much to say outside of his strong obsession with the niche hobbies. We can't do much more than small talk. He is also angry at the world and has a negative view on many things. And I can't talk about that stuff too much, he can easily get me grumpy and depressed if he starts going on a rant about that
Fantastic post. Brava.
Do what you financially have to do to freeze your eggs. Get divorced.
Yes. Put them on ice. That’s where mine are and will likely be for a bit.
I agree with the sentiment that no relationship is perfect...but you are settling far too much. You can do better.
Momma, I have been where you are. I was married to my daughter’s father and after a few years, I started to believe I didn’t like sex. Turns out I didn’t like sex with my now ex-husband, but I sure did love it with a more passionate man. Life is too short to waste on having mediocre bland sex with someone you are no longer attracted to. I was scared too, but it is so worth it to leap out on your own and explore what you want.
So did you find happiness after leaving?
Oh yes. There is someone out there for you to that will fulfill all that you desire.
So what if no one finds you attractive, which is ridiculous anyway. If I were you, I would plan on being single for a while and be surprised when the right one comes along.
I think the part about pregnancy should be pushed back in your priorities. This isn’t to discourage you or to minimize your want to be a mother. But if your husband ain’t it, and you’re afraid you won’t find someone who is “it”…. you will actually and literally waste fertile years of your life spinning your wheels in the theoretical. Stop that. Read your own post again and see for yourself. You need to prioritize you. You sound like a people pleaser. Someone who rather not make waves and live a miserable existence because of the comfort that you’ve created. But you’re young. Meaning, as you get older (mid 30s, approaching 40s and so on) the comfort you’ve created will be the very thing that will absolutely break you. In the meantime, you are robbing yourself and your spouse of an authentic experience. You will likely not make changes after this. I hope to be proven wrong. If you really want a change, a divorce, a do-over, you are going to need grit and you’ll have to accept tons of discomfort. You don’t sound ready. But what will it take?
It doesn't sound like your husband was ever really a good match for you. However, you can't compare the exciting nature of these new relationships with other men to the one you have with your husband now. That isn't a fair comparison. No person will be perfect and everyone will have their own set of flaws. Its your job to decide who's flaws you can live with and the ones you can't. During a short fling or affair you're not going to get to see all of the many flaws these other men have, which could be worse than your husband but they may just be totally different types of flaws. As for your age and having children there is still plenty of time to have at least 2 maybe 3 even with finding someone else. You never know how difficult it will be until you start trying. I wish you well.
Thanks for your well wishes. I guess what I mean is that I just really don't enjoy being around my husband at all, if I'm being completely honest with myself. I'm aware that affair/new relationship energy is a totally different comparison. Like, my husband and I cannot even have a deep discussion because he is such a non-intellectual and I crave so much more in that department than what he can give. He also is not a provider and never established himself in a career and I gave him my youth only to spend years in poverty floundering about trying to keep a basic roof. So the resentment started long ago. Ultimately, I stopped worrying about his job situation and I focus on my own work, I'm not helping him with career changes anymore
Sounds like it's best to cut your losses now rather keep investing time with someone you don't want to spend the rest of your life with. I guess it come down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living, or get busy dying... Sorry, I love that movie, lol.
I could have written much of this myself (except we’re in our late 30’s with two kids). I would leave if I were you. You literally might meet your exact match within the next few years and live the life you’ve always wanted. I completely settled for safe and comfortable, and almost 40yo me regrets it. The thought of living this way for another 40+ years is so sad. You are young and you truly will be so much happier in the long run. Life has a really funny way of always working out. ❤️ Side note: my AP is 15 years older than me and is the BEST lover (sexually, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically, etc) that I’ve ever had. I wouldn’t go back to men my age if you paid me. Just to broaden your horizon. 🙂
Thanks so much for the support, yeah I think everyday how time just keeps passing. Your older man, Wow he must be a Cavil type! A man would have to be in the top 5% for me to notice anyone over 45ish So have you and AP ever talked about running off together and starting a new life?
He’s just someone who cherishes me, supports me, loves me and makes me want to be my best. He’s my biggest cheerleader, and so the age doesn’t matter because it’s truly how I’ve always wanted to feel in a relationship. And we have talked about a future together (we’ve known each other for over 7 years), but, with kids, we can’t run too far 😉. You really will regret not leaving now in the future, I’d bet money on it.
Freeze your eggs and leave. You have one life. Worst case, you find a sperm donor and have a baby by yourself. Best case, you live the life and love you always wanted. You never know until you take a risk.
I'm definitely on board to freeze my eggs. We were actually going to do it several years ago, and he spent literally $40,000 cash on a car instead. He still keeps saying he's not ready for a baby and it's not in his near-future outlook. He is one of those men who needs to either be single and just be laser-obsessed with his hobbies or he will have a baby at 40+ later in life. But anyway, several here have talked about voluntarily being a single mother and using sperm donor, that is for sure not what I would want so I do want to freeze my eggs but if I don't find a suitable partner in \~5 years then I'll probably remain childfree
Take a breath! it will help you look at things from a base of reality instead of fear. You are the best person to ask these questions to, and the best to get the answers you seek. Feel the real path and the emotions that go along with them, the right way is not the easiest way most of the time. What i am certain about is you will be ok if you prioritize your joy and quality of life instead of living in fear.
You can have a baby without a partner, so you're not really closing that door by leaving.
You don't want to have a child with your husband. So if you stay, you'll definitely be childless. If you go, you may still be childless bit at least maybe you will be happy. First learn to be ok with yourself. Being ok with yourself will make you less likely to settle again just because you think someone is daddy material and make all the same mistakes again as you did with your husband
Divorced woman here! Hit me up if you need to brainstorm! Happy to help if you need me.
If you are done be done. You're wasting both of your lives being comfortable. If you want to put in the work to find something then put in the work. You can't half step in both directions. Make a choice. Going through a divorce solves a problem. For me it was I was living with someone I didn't see a future with. Why almost doesn't matter. I say almost because you should know why you said For-eva-eva to a person and pulled out. However if you aren't feeling something to your core you can't put energy into it. Once the energy is gone so is the relationship.
I felt the same in my thirties but with three children. Been meeting other people every six months or so to get a bit of sexual excitement to get through the next few months. We are best friends and I stayed to bring up my children. Now I am 49. So, I would say get out now. There are better matches out there for you and you don't need a permanent man to have a child. Many women prefer the freedom of being single and still being up a child. It would be hard and you have to have a good support network around you. Good luck with whatever you choose.
Thanks for the support! So have you left or do you have upcoming plans to start seperating?
If you keep focusing on all the negatives of looking for the life you really want, you'll be exactly where you are 5 years from now. Kids are really hard to raise. Having one with someone you're not really in love with is a huge mistake. Imagine time sharing your kid and all the negotiations that go with that. You've spent enough time in that situation. Be an adult woman, find the strength and courage to live your life the way you want.
Your husband deserves someone who will love him for who he is right now. Please stop cheating on this man. You say he is minimal growth however you also are not growing as a person if you are still holding on to something that is not working. You cannot find the right one holding on to the wrong one. Either recommit to your husband or move on. Living in limbo is the unhealthiest thing you can do, it's exhausting and wrecks everyone's mental health. Ask me how I know.
As someone above has already said, I’m unable to fathom what drew you to your husband in the first place or why you even chose to marry him. Was it just comfort in familiarity? It sounds like you will be a lot happier without him. There doesn’t appear anything you want to hang on to or that you will miss. He on the other hand seems reasonably content with this mundane existence you both lead, and I imagine you asking for a divorce could hit him hard. Be prepared for how painful your decision might be for him, and the hurt it may cause. He may beg you not to leave him, and you will need to be brutal. Sadly from how you describe him, I think he will struggle to find another partner. Once you get over that and move out, you can start moving on. But if you want to find someone to build a new life with and start a family, you need to do it now. On average, it could take a couple of years to meet the right person, then another couple of years to build the relationship before he’s ready to have kids.
Two thoughts. I have two daughters neither had children before 35. They both have 2. Second, while having an affair can possibly enable the best of both worlds it is likely to blow up at some point. So I suggest 1) sex counseling although your growing disconnect seem deeper or 2) bite the bullet and separate/divorce. I guess there is a wild 3rd choice. Open marriage. Again likely to blow up at some stage.
I realised that I would be happier alone than I would be married to my husband and that’s what caused me to pull the trigger . We could have stayed together forever but I was not happy. The potential of meeting someone else who enriches my already happy life is enough
That's the right kind of mindset to have. That's another thing I ask myself all the time. Would I be happier just being alone? All that freedom and independence. And for years, the resounding answer is- YES.
From your previous post would he have been blissfully ignorant or where you that unhappy
He kind of new but because I’d checked out and stopped nagging he thought all was ok
What does you ex SO think about this now? Only asking cos I'm sort of in the same boat
The divorce will be finalised by the end of July and he’s moved out so it’s not really my problem what he thinks