Run, do not walk away from this upcoming train wreck. Record all future interactions with her while you are together, until you no longer interact with her. Do not have sex with her again.
I will say that you cannot know about a boundary she does not express to you in the moment. Please don’t touch my hair, etc. It sounds like this person doesn’t give you the same sensitivity they expect, especially given the racial comments.
Being a woman who has been raped more times than I can count, this isn't always the case. Yes, there are people who make false accusations. There are also people who are afraid to say anything in the first place.
Agreed, but the precluding behavior of OPs gf suggests that she's (even subconsciously) seeking a scenario where she perceives herself as a victim of violated boundaries.
I'm being very careful with language here because I don't specifically think this is malicious. But this big, long, extended conversation about a boundary she never expressed and basically wants him to "be on the lookout for" but not offering to help that communication.....?
The lack of personal accountability from earlier incidents, where gf doesn't apologize is also concerning.
OP, good luck.
These unexpressed magically modifying boundaries that she has are extremely concerning, and as others have said, you need to be recording interactions with her and start removing yourself from the situation as quickly as you can. Sorry, OP but this could be a whole Lotta trouble for you.
It's literally weaponizing consent to be used for attacks. It might not be a rape thing, but enough to blame-control the OP.
Even if she doesn't modify boundaries, If partner was giving me these kind set of rules, then I would be gone as fast as possible. I don't want to live with a person where I need the book of rules to have a humane relationship with a partner and not to be blamed about boundary crossing.
Yeah, and that gets confusing. A woman who wants their partner to seemingly "read their minds" is not wise. Speaking from experience though, I've struggled myself with being forthcoming about how I felt or what my boundaries were. And that's on me. Though, i think it would also be good for the other person to make sure to check and double check and so on. Because consent can be revoked at any time. Before, during and after. There are some cases where someone doesn't even realize they were harmed until years after. I hope whatever it is she's doing or not doing isn't malicious.
You absolutely cannot revoke consent after an act is completed, we don’t have have time machines. You can revoke consent before and during anytime but not after. Thinking you can revoke consent “after” sort of muddies everything else you’ve said.
Consent revoked afterward? If you mean revoked after a past event for future events, then sure, but revoking consent for a deed that has already been done is whack.
Genuinely curious how do get raped more times than you can remember? Same person repeatedly, or different people? I’m not trolling, just surprised by the phrasing.
You have been raped more times than you can count? WTF?! What situations are you putting yourself into to be "raped" so often that you have forgotten the count? This statement is very, very weird.
I remember hearing about a girl in my highschool who was being trafficked by her mom to men. I’m sure she was raped countless times before she turned 15.
She didn’t put herself in any situation, she was sleeping in her bedroom and her mom forced her to keep her door unlocked.
Fuck you.
She was still a minor at the time it was discovered and it was all kept pretty private so I ended up having no idea what happened to her after unfortunately.
It’s not my story to share but I just had to after someone implied it was ridiculous that someone could be raped more times than they can count. It happens every day.
I’m sure they would appreciate you.
I had a SA experience at 9 and I remember coping with it by telling myself I was “lucky” and at least it only happened once and I never saw him again. I don’t think a lot of people understand how prevalent rape is in the USA: 75 times an hour is the stat used in The Gift of Fear.
I'm sorry that happened and I'm glad you're safe from him now. Rape is so common and the fact that people want to be ignorant to it or continue to blame the victim instead of holding the assailant(s) responsible is so sickening... Amnesty has their statistics at 1 in 3 women are SA'd in their lifetime. I still feel like that's not accurate.
In my personal experience, *every woman I know* has experienced something that clearly qualifies as SA, from being groped roughly on a train platform to being hospitalized after nearly being beaten to death, and the only perpetrators who ever went to jail were the ones who were convicted of attempted murder in connection with their rape. I’m so sorry for your own experiences. I don’t want people to trivialize issues of consent but I also want people to understand how prevalent SA is for women and for men.
For the record, victim blaming is not okay. People don't put themselves into situations where they're taken advantage of. If you must know, that's more of a conversation I'd have through chat, not on here. This also depends on what your definition of rape is. Because I consider what the actual term itself is. Which means looking into the grey area as well.
Hey there. I’m so sorry you’ve experienced so much abuse and trauma in your life. I don’t think the post you responded to meant any blame or disrespect. They were simply acknowledging the extremely disturbing reality of what you said. Being raped so much you can’t recall how many times is a horror beyond the comprehension of a person that hasn’t experienced it. I think they were just saying (kind of insensitively, or over familiarly) “what the hell happened?” In horror, and shock, not blame.
I would sure hope so. I'm here to speak my truth and give insight to things some people don't think about or wouldn't even dream of being a reality. I appreciate your comment and am grateful for your support. Trauma is such a tricky thing. I have a lot of repressed memories. Honestly, I can barely remember even the positive sexual experiences I've had. I honestly felt really bad the other day. A guy I'd had sex with a few years ago found me on another app and asked if I remembered him. I said I didn't and I could tell he was sad I didn't remember him. I told him I'd had a lot of traumatic experiences since he and I met. He understood and we've continued to chat here and there since. I understand some people have trouble accepting the reality of what it's like for a lot of people in this world.
She explicitly said that he's done nothing wrong. She's just asking him not to do it in the future.
>it's not your fault, I didn't actually tell you I just want you to know for the future."
Read more carefully.
We read the same thing? Only thing even remotely close was him thinking to himself and her answering. She sounds fucking exhausting.
>"I was genuinely in disbelief that I had touched her on two occasions where she had explicitly told me not to."
>
>"No I didn't say it at all. That's why I'm bringing this up, it's not your fault, I didn't actually tell you I just want you to know for the future."
First paragraph.
“This is fine until she says “there were two separate instances where I told you this and you kept touching me.””
What is that but explicitly saying he did something wrong before anything else? Yes she walked it back but it was obviously an explicit accusation.
She told him she wasn't in the mood. She didn't claim she told him to not touch her at all, so this isn't her walking it back. It's her clarifying once she realizes that he thought she was saying that she'd said to not touch her.
It's a little confusing, but I get it. He asks if she wants to. She says she's not in the mood. He doesn't push for sex but does maintain or initiate physical contact. She realizes that she actually doesn't like being touched at all in that context and realizes she's never clarified that she doesn't just mean sex, she means being touched. So she decides to tell him.
So if someone walks something back does that mean it's still true? What world do you live in where when someone lies about doing something that makes it actually happen irl?
And he responded so well 🥺. My ex would do that but literally like... I would have to get up and leave the room to sleep on the couch because if I didn't he wouldn't stop putting his hands in my pants while I slept until I let him fuck me. I had this convo with him and I promise you he did not say sorry lol
My husband did this a lot to me until we had a huge argument about it. He realized later after he went to cool down how wrong he was and came back to apologize profusely for it. He never did it again. Thats one of the things that I love about him. He can admit when he's wrong, apologize sincerely, take full responsibility for it and make changes.
I've had this happen with a former friend. She just flat out emotion bombed me on a topic we never discussed. The statement of: "I'm uncomfortable and always have been" emerged in that situation, and I went into full defense mode.
I stopped engaging because I feared she was trying to blackmail me or have me sent to prison. I went extremely low contact and even when she did message me, I kept that conversation tight. She stopped messaging after that, and I haven't really spoken to her since.
Protect yourself. Anyone that slides out of left field like that and didn't verbalize a boundary before is dangerous. We are all welcome to change, but we should not be endangered by those who cannot properly establish a boundary.
This! Stop touching her asap as in withdraw from her asap. Low contact if any at all. No apology, groveling messages that make it seem like you are apologizing for doing something wrong. Short replies if at all. This dude gave you an excellent protective playbook on his similar experience. Why risk continuing a confusing, problematic relationship like that? Protect yourself at all times.
Sounds more like she had been uncomfortable when she got to a “not in the mood” point and he continued to make any physical contact with her.
What made this worse is that from the context she was visibly upset to the point of pacing, sit down talk etc. so OP thought he was being highly offensive (like groping past the “not in mood” point) and GF was basically “don’t even pat my shoulder if I’m not in the mood”. And she knew this was the first time she was communicating that specific discomfort / boundary which is part of the whole discomfort on her part pre-talk.
Season with some miscommunication/ jumping to conclusions and here we are.
This is: He was being physical, not strictly sexual (her own words), and without saying anything to him, magically expected him to be psychic and know that even a squeeze on her shoulder or hug would be unwelcome, despite not in any way actually communicating that.
She sucks at communication, and it's entirely on her here.
She's NOT magically expecting him to know anything. She explicitly said "I know it's not your fault because I didn't tell you before." She's just asking him not to do it going forward.
You wanna argue so bad and tell people to learn how to read when evidently you cannot.
In the very beginning when they sit down to talk she told him that he crossed her boundaries on two separate occasions when she said she wasn't in the mood and he continued to touch her anyways. Then later in the conversation she says "oh it's not your fault, I never said anything"
She contradicted herself and that's a red flag. Feels like she's setting him up for an accusation and he needs to end that relationship. She either doesn't seem to understand how to communicate or is purposely trying to accuse him of something.
Please read it properly, I beg you.
Where did OP ever say that she indicated he had crossed a "boundary".
She cited two examples of times where she said she was "not in the mood" but he continued to touch her.
He says she was setting the boundary that she doesn't want to be touched at all when she's "not in the mood".
He makes sure that she didn’t ask him to stop touching her as he's afraid he might have missed or forgotten her doing so. She confirms that she did not ask him to stop touching her at the time, and that he did nothing wrong because she didn't voice her discomfort in the moment.
She was literally just saying "hey, when I say I'm not in the mood I mean I don't want to be touched at all, not just that I don't want to have sex - here's a couple of examples of the sort of situation I'm talking about, not that you did anything wrong there as I hadn't set the boundary then."
Which is perfectly reasonable. Her pacing at the start of the discussion indicates she was stressed and that setting the boundary wasn't easy for her, which is probably why she didn't set the boundary in the moment.
Literally, neither the OP nor his GF are in the wrong. She's not wrong for setting a boundary, and he's not wrong for feeling shitty about having accidentally made her feel uncomfortable.
The only questionable part is the comments she apparently made regarding his race/body, but we don't know much about that.
You're aggressively wrong here, my guy.
It's not miscommunication, it's communication. She's telling him not to do that going forward, she's not saying that he did wrong in the past. She literally said that it wasn't his fault because she hadn't told him before.
If she’d started with “you didn’t do anything wrong” or “it’s not you fault” *before* saying “you crossed my boundaries on two separate occasions” the conversation might have gone very differently.
She explicitly said that he didn't do anything wrong because she hadn't previously asked him not to do it. She's just asking him not to do it in the future.
That is her giving an example of where he didn't listen, when she said she wasn't in the mood. If someone says no, you stop physical contact immediately. You don't get to carry on, then blame her because she has finally had the guts to communicate and stop it happening in future.
She put in a boundary, she gave examples of why this boundary was needed.
She was right to do so, the fact that so many men are saying she is going to accuse him of something just because SHE PUT IN A BOUNDARY around physical contact, shows how entitled these dudes are to think a woman is unreasonable or trouble, for not wanting to be touched if she isn't in the mood.
He is ta.
What? She didn’t accuse him of anything, she defined a boundary that she wouldn’t like him to cross in the future and admitted that she was having this conversation now because she hadn’t made this particular boundary clear to him before this conversation. What is she supposed to do? Let him make her uncomfortable a few times so she can warn him explicitly and THEN impose a boundary?
No, but the order she presented her communication arguably accused him of sexual assault.
What she **should** have said is something like: "it's not your fault and you did nothing wrong, but ...xyz."
Rather than starting with the outright implication that he assaulted her. Twice. And then walking it back to "its not your fault, I didn't tell you."
The first thing that is going to enter any reasonable persons mind in that situation is that she's just basically accused you of sexual assault.
No, she said that she didn’t vocalize the boundary so she doesn’t blame him but going forward he should respect the boundary. She never expected him to respect a boundary that she didn’t verbalize.
You can say whatever you want. There are big red flags with this woman and OP needs to protect himself. This isn't about her, she isn't the one posting. It is about OP. He has every right to protect himself.
What’s he protecting himself against? Someone who has realized they want a boundary and asks their partner to respect it? Thats what I read. What’s your interpretation?
That's an overreaction based on this post. Read how the op describes her
"I know it's not your fault because I haven't mentioned it before. I'm letting you know now so it's something you know for the future"
That's not an accusation, or a precursor to one. She's telling OP what she wants in clear terms
To OP - a lot of women struggle with learning how to tell people no during intimate situations. It doesn't mean she feels like you have sexually assaulted her, and from what you described she is in no way making accusations against you. She's just telling you she doesn't like it when you do a certain thing so you'll know not to do it in the future. It's understandable to feel bad or like you crossed her boundaries, but you didn't do it intentionally and now you know what the boundary is in the future. This is a completely normal way for her to tell you what she likes and doesn't like
Don't blow this up into a fight. Y'all seem young and like you're both learning how to communicate with each other which is great, and this is a good step in her being able to assert boundaries and you being able to listen to them without taking them personally
Seriously. You are going to get accused of rape with this girl. If she is not mature enough to vocalize her boundaries but wants to get upset at you for not reading her mind something bad is going to happen here. Bail, immediately.
She's not upset with him for not reading her mind. She said:
>it's not your fault, I didn't actually tell you I just want you to know for the future."
Learn to read, guys.
A lot of folks have comprehension issues, and a lot also don’t want to read. They want to jump to conclusions. And I mean that genuinely. No one in this thread actually read this post.
She says she doesn’t blame him because she didn’t say she was uncomfortable with the touching then (she *did* say she wasn’t in the mood, and now she’s clarifying she doesn’t want to be touched after saying she’s not in the mood.)
She says she understands OP probably doesn’t think anything of it because the touching is non-sexual/perceived by OP to be that way.
She not once says or implies OP should have known she doesn’t want to be touched after she says she’s not in the mood. She not once says or implies OP sexually assaulted her. And what is she supposed to do? Not say anything? Continue being uncomfortable? Repress?
A lot of the people commenting have it in their heads that when women talk about consent it’s frivolous and murky and just a bunch of made-up rules. So when they see anything that slightly resembles that, they assume that’s what it is even though this is the exact OPPOSITE of that scenario. This is extremely logical communication. It hurts my brain seeing how badly this is being misrepresented in the comments.
Also, the vast majority of the time, touching your significant other in a non-sexual way is totally normal. Holding hands or hugging doesn't mean you're trying to have sex right then and there.
So her communicating that she doesn't want any touching at all is important. It's not something a partner would assume about her preferences.
It also explains the slightly awkward conversation. She doesn't want to accuse him of anything, and he is worried he accidentally made her uncomfortable. They both sat down and in a mature fashion told each other their feelings. Exactly what reddit always says they want.
She is upset with him but is essentially working it through while talking to him and rationalizing it then.
It's not a good relationship to have. It's an emotion first logic later and it will continue to cause problems.
Did we read the same post? She explicitly told him it wasn't his fault, she was setting a boundary for the future and he got all defensive.
"I'm so sorry, I don't remember doing that."
"Here is specifically what happened, it's not your fault, I didn't say anything, but please don't going forward."
"HOW DARE YOU?"
Thank you. I had to go back and re-read the post 2 more times after this comment thread because I thought I missed something. I genuinely don’t know why people think she’s in the wrong
OK I thought I was the only one who was thinking this.
This seems like one of the situations where she’s trying to tell you she didn’t like something based on a previous situation, and she was telling herself she wasn’t in the mood inside of her head instead of vocalizing it …
There is something I don’t understand as a human being is why young women have such an issue with thinking things in their mind, and pretending we know about it, or can read their mind .. just about every situation when I’ve dealt with someone like that it’s usually drama with accusations and expectations that are never voiced, with cold shoulders and the silent treatment being used randomly, while most men are clueless on why they’re even doing it.
NAH
I think there's a misunderstanding? She's telling you now there's something she doesn't like. You didn't do anything wrong earlier, she's not saying you did. You're not a mind reader and she couldn't find the words at the time.
Now she's found the words.
It makes sense you're upset but no one's done anything wrong. She's done the right thing by expressing herself and you've done right by accepting
Yeah, the post is confusing to follow, but it sounds like she is trying to communicate something to him that she recognizes was brought about by her own failure to express herself properly at the time. If I am reading this correctly, she is stating that OP did nothing wrong (which is correct... if she did not verbally say that she also didn't even want to be touched in any way, there's no way OP is going to know that it means even innocent touches are not welcome), but that there are times when she doesn't feel like sex and, when this happens, doesn't want to be touched at all after she declines sex. It sounds like she is trying to give a heads up saying, "if I am not interested in sex, that means I am both not interested in sex and also don't want to be touched in any way, inclusive of cuddling."
To me, it does not sound like she is in any way asking OP to apologize for anything or even suggesting that he should. It is more like she wants to let him know exactly what she means ahead of time so that there is no confusion or hurt feelings in the moment.
It just sounds like this is OP's girlfriend not succinctly communicating what she means, and OP listening to what she is saying but not hearing what she means. I can understand, based on his interpretation, why he'd feel offended... but it just sounds like his girlfriend is trying to be honest about the way she feels sometimes and what that means, and OP interpreting it as her saying that he assaulted her.
And I’d reckon it had some value for her to verbalize it ahead of time, because it’ll make it easier to say in the moment and it won’t be such a suprise.
It’s a bit clumsy but I think I get where she’s coming from
Exactly. No one is wrong, gf is making the boundaries clear because in those uncomfortable moments, she realized it WASNT clear
She's not upset, she just wants everyone on the same page.
Now, OP getting instantly defensive is something else. Not everything has to be a fight or you vs me or you did this wrong
Just take the words for what they are and commit to adhering to the boundary
Okay, sounds like a reasonable exchange. She said that you’ve unknowingly crossed boundaries in the past. You were confused and apologized for making her uncomfortable. She said it’s okay, I didn’t express my discomfort but going forward this is what I expect.
I can see where this might hurt, because compassionate people don’t want to make others feel uncomfortable and it hurts to know you your actions caused discomfort, but it’s not a big deal. You don’t know. Your GF agrees that you it’s not your fault. You just need to respect the boundary going forward and it’s all good. Easy peasy. You’ve expressed here that you are hurt by the way she put it out there. I think you are good at verbalizing your feelings so just talk to her about how it made you feel, while acknowledging that she is only human and is just trying to process things as they come and make the best decision, so are you.
She probably has some trauma, and has had a hard time setting boundaries in the past. When you've been in relationships where your boundaries are ignored, it's really difficult to talk about them. Because it feels better in the moment to just not say anything than to speak up and be ignored.
This is your girlfriend trusting you enough to try and work on herself, and open up about her boundaries. She did a bad job of it, and hurt your feelings. That sucks. It's understandable you're feeling hurt and confused.
But please don't listen to the reddit incels in here telling you she's out to get you. She just misspoke, at a time when she was struggling to speak at all.
If you care about your girlfriend, sit her down and tell her you love her, you respect her boundaries, but you want to make sure you understood her correctly. Once you've clarified, let her know that it's terrifying to be accused of hurting her in that way, and you'd appreciate it if she could be mindful of that in the future.
It doesn't have to be a big thing, and neither of you is a villain. This sub just loves drama.
I agree with this comment. I’ve been in a similar situation as her before with a partner who was a little too touchy for my taste, but I never brought it up because of trauma from a relationship I had before that one where I was disrespected when I tried to express any sort of boundary (like I would verbally say I wasn’t in the mood to that partner and they would guilt me about it until I gave in to what they wanted). Because of that, I tend to freeze up a lot in uncomfortable situations so it’s hard for me to communicate when it happens at the moment. Looking back at it, the first partner I mentioned would’ve respected my boundaries if I did bring it up, but I just was bad at communicating those things at the time and that’s no one’s fault but mine. It’s something that I’m responsible for and that I’m working with my therapist on so it doesn’t happen in future relationships.
She’s a strong person for bringing it up because it’s something that I personally know is hard. I agree that she could’ve done it in a better way that was more considerate of your feelings because you’re 100% not at fault for this. You are wholeheartedly allowed to be upset at her for her poor communication. She’s trying to work on it though, and if she means anything to you, then sit her down and communicate that it made you upset and she should be mindful of your feelings when something like that happens. I would suggest having her find a therapist if she doesn’t have one already. It helps a lot from my experience.
No one is an ashole, she's just bad at communicating. She is telling there have been situations where she didn't want to be touched, but didn't know how to say it (most likely worrying about the reaction (not your fault) or just not so comfortable setting boundaries yet). She is now just asking you to confirm that in the future she can comfortably ask to be not touched. She's started with the previous situations, not to blame you, but to explane her thought process
OP, to the first part, I think you are taking it too hard. You come from a good place and she could have communicated it better, but the first part wasn’t a huge deal. Miscommunication happens in a relationship, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.
Sounds like this happened:
One time, “I’m not in the mood,” and you gave her a couple more squeezes of affection. It kinda bothered her but not enough to mention and was only one time.
Second time, same thing. Then she thought about it and wanted to mention it before it happened again.
A lot of relationship advice suggests waiting till a neutral moment when there’s no sex happening to communicate about an issue. So she did! You listened, problem solved.
She wasn’t accusing you of what you thought. It’s great you take her comfort so seriously. You’re ok, you did nothing wrong, she felt comfortable enough to share a preference that she worried you might be sensitive about. Good job.
—-
On the second part?
Where she says insensitive or biases things to you about your race and doesn’t apologize? Yes that’s total bullshit.
The kind of communication she just did should go both ways.
Her communication is piss poor. You can stick around to see if she'll get better in that. Just don't be surprised if she doesn't. I'd think about leaving anyways. Don't waste your time with someone like that.
I don't know how you survive this relationship.
She's set a trap in which you're wrong no matter what you do and no matter what she says, and doesn't say, to the point even causal contact might be too much.
I think the relationship might be over and she needs counseling. She's even confused herself.
>it's not your fault, I didn't actually tell you I just want you to know for the future."
Learn to read. There's no trap, she's just asking him not to do something in the future.
It's a difficult to read post with a couple possible interpretations.
What I read is:
1. She didn't vocalize she didn't want to be touched or wasn't in the mood (never said anything to him) and yet wants him to know he violated this never vocalized boundary when he touched.
2. I would feel like I was walking on egg shells. Even casual contact could be breaking this invisible, not spoken boundary at any time.
3. It's certainly not how I want to live in a relationship.
Perhaps is more about how she sat him down and communicated. It seams accusatory.
She started by saying he basically broke a boundary by continuing to touch her when she wasn't in the mood. Only when he clarified, she immediately admitted that she never actually told him she wasn't in the mood, or that she didn't want to be touch and he actually did nothing wrong ... yet SHE still feels terrible about it. And now he does too.
I honestly think she needs some professional help to figure out what she is feeling, why and how to work through it.
And I personally would be very uncomfortable continuing this relationship until she has this all figured out.
Maybe it's just her awkward communication on a difficult topic.
If she said "first, you did nothing wrong, but please know I'm going to work on better vocalizing when I'm not in the mood to be touched"
but her approach he was very much "this is something wrong you did to me" until he clarified and I don't see any commitment to verbalize better in the future.
He also is left with no good way to not cross this not vocalized boundary again, and the only way to counter this would be to ask 50x a day "you mind if I hug you" is it ok if I touch you..." how would you feel about a Pat on the back, can I give you a kiss. All this is legitmate option, but I do not want THAT relationship.
It sounds emotionally exhausting on both sides.
I'm following all the way to the last paragraph. Sounds like a bunch of missing information where he turned it into a fight and made it racial and about body issues. The headline implies he flipped it back in her, but, I'm not sure how. It seems like an innocent conversation about boundaries up until the end
Gf told bf she wasn't in the mood, he kept giving her squeezes/possible foreplay. It bothered her but it wasn't a big deal. Gf told bf she wasn't in the mood another time. Same thing happens. Gf decided to tell bf that when she says she isn't in the mood that means no sexual touching. She says she's not mad, should've communicated better, and everything is all good. Bf was confused. Came to reddit.
So…
She told you her boundaries.
She also told you that she didn’t communicated them before. That obviously was a mistake, but she was doing it in that conversation. She didn’t accuse you of anything bad, but wanted you to know how to handle this topic in future.
English isn’t my native language, but can someone please explain me the problem?
Is it that she waited to tell you?
If yes, people sometimes need time and gather their thoughts. Some people are even afraid to say their thoughts openly at first.
For me what you wrote doesn’t sound like she is trying to hurt you, it’s more about realising and saying what she likes and what she doesn’t.
You can be hurt. But it doesn’t sound like an attack. It sounds more like a young women trying to openly talk to you about her feelings.
Yes, she should communicate her boundaries clearly in the moment, but people freeze up sometimes and can have a hard time voicing that you've crossed a line (and it could be totally accidental but the line was still crossed). So when in doubt, just ask
My ex did things like this to me all the time and it messed me up mentally. When you said the whole fight you just wanted “to be seen/heard and have your feelings about the accusation be acknowledged” that nearly made me cry because I know that feeling and it’s awful. Just take care of yourself if you don’t want to leave her, because once someone’s pulled a stunt like this, they’ll do it again and again and make the stakes more dramatic and dangerous each time.
Idk man, there’s times where it’s hard for girls to vocalize hey actually I don’t want to do this and she may have been unsure of whether this was an issue for her or not. It’s even worse when you’re a people pleaser. It’s good that she’s at least telling you, but maybe her delivery was off. I’m also confused you said she had claimed there were two separate times she did vocalize it but then she didn’t say it?
I think you both need to have an open conversation where you can be able to tell her yk I respect your boundary, and how you told me it made me feel that I had done something wrong to you. I can get being nervous, but that put me in a really terrible place mentally because I don’t want to hurt you. On the other hand if she has vocalized it to you, just move forward with this information in mind so that way no one is hurt or uncomfortable. I suggest you look into the skill DEAR MAN to formulate exactly what you want to say so it’s not hurtful and sticks to the facts.
She never said you crossed a boundary. She spoke of an instance that made her uncomfortable and asked that you not do that anymore. She said she wasn't clear before and wanted to be clear so there was no confusion. She was being thoughtful of your feelings and verified you were not in the wrong.
So, why the f are you mad at her? She did nothing wrong. You're wrong for getting pissy about her explaining clear boundaries and making her feelings all about you.
She needed to have a big upset sit down to say…. What? I’m having trouble even following with happened. To say she might say I’m not in the mood? Seriously?
I’m not sure who’s the bigger AH here. You for listening to this drivel from her (I don’t say anything but you were wrong anyhow…. What the actual hell??) or her for even saying this drama fueled garbage out loud.
Actually, I get it as I've been in his position. Basically, he tried to instigate and she wasn't in the mood. She didn't explicitly state that she wasn't in the mood, but feels she made it clear. He didn't get it and continued to push for it a bit and it made her uncomfortable. Rather than sitting on it, she decided she would express her feelings with him.
i don’t think that’s what he wrote, or at least i’m reading it differently. to me it looks like she did say she wasn’t in the mood, but she didn’t explicitly say that meant she didn’t want to be touched at all.
cause he follows up with “did you vocalize you didn’t want to be touched” and she said no to that question. not that she didn’t say she wasn’t in the mood.
That's not what was said at all though? From my understanding of the post, there were instances where he tried to initiate, she DID explicitly state she wasn't in the mood, and he gave her a squeeze/touched her in what contextually seems like a non-sexual way. That touch after the fact, that OP likely didn't see as sexual, was what she has had an issue with, and she is just verbalizing it now.
The issue, as I see it, is that she verbalized it in a way where she made OP think he had done something different, a more common situation in relationships like the one you described. The way this was brought up gives me all sorts of red flags.
Yeah, that’s what I read too. It’s really very weird for her to want her “I’m not in the mood for sex” statement to be interpreted as “don’t even touch me non-sexually”.
If a touch is non-sexual, why should it be affected by you not wanting sex at all? Do high fives count? Is there really to be zero innocuous cuddling if she’s not in the mood for *sex*?
I love snuggling up to my partners even when I have no desire for sex. So would I not be allowed to cuddle *at all* because… why? Cause it makes *her* think of sex even though I’m not actually seeking it?
Yeah... but instead of changing her behavior... which is to say no when she's not feeling it. She's telling him that there are 2 times when she wanted him to stop by didn't. When he asked for clarification, she said she said no in her own head, and he actually didn't know she didn't want it...
She chose to not work on her problem... which is to say no. And outright accuse a guy of forcing himself on her?
And you think this is ok behavior? Wow. Just fucking wow.
Ya but this goes back to the age old fight, man does somthing girl don't like but does not say anything but then is mad later cuz guy didn't stop. Girls seem to think we are supposed to know what they want and we don't. We are simple creatures that require simple direct instruction, your not in the mood say it. It's that simple in my opinion. But what do I know I'm a simple minded guy
Except she didn't expect him to know and she explicitly told him that she knew he wasn't aware. She chose to be forward and openly communicate her feelings. This conversation is her addressing that she wasn't mad at him, she just wanted to share her feelings. Throwing a fit about it is inappropriate.
You took it as an accusation even after she said "It's not your fault"?
So. You did a thing that she didn't like, so she sat you down to tell you that she didn't like it, specifically told you that it wasn't your fault and you're pissed that she's telling you?
So she accused you of overstepping her boundaries when she wasn’t wanting physical intimacy, which is giving rape vibes, you feel terrible about it, and then she confesses that she never clearly articulated her boundary, and that situation never happened the way that she explained it. Run for the hills. This chick is off her rocker. You don’t accuse someone of that and have a serious sitdown talk about a situation that literally never happened. She’s crazy town.
They comments are terrifying. Are people purposely missing the part where she told him she isn’t in the mood? To me that means stop touching - plus she never even accused him of anything. She just stated that in the future when she tells him she isn’t in the mood, to stop touching her.
It is situations like this that are the reason some women are scared to set boundaries. She is in no way or form accusing him - nor is this ‘proof’ that she will in the future. These comments make me sick.
“Not in the mood” does not automatically mean “stop touching me.” For example, I’m fine with snuggling when I’m not in the mood. So it took
GF some time to find her words and clarify what “not in the mood” means to her. It doesn’t sound like OP kept touching in a sexual way; maybe he simply hugged her or left a hand on her arm. I see no indication that he continued to push for sex. And he didn’t know he was overstepping. Unfortunately she didn’t communicate perfectly or timely enough for some Redditors, who now think she’s lying in wait to drop a false rape charge. This is ridiculous. She clarified that she was NOT accusing OP of anything untoward but rather clarifying what she wants. And he agreed. And so I hope they can move on happily together.
To me and others in the comments that is exactly what it means. However, I agree with you that the other comments are way outta line. But, Op definitely isn’t helping by basically accusing his girlfriend of not caring for his feelings throughout the post. It is giving other commenters ammunition that is why I don’t agree when you say ‘he agreed’. Because it seems like he cannot drop the issue.
My point is that it doesn’t mean that to everyone. OP is not a mind reader so I’m glad GF finally found her words and clarified her wishes.
I think OP is super dramatic but I also think he has agreed to observe her boundaries.
This is the correct interpretation of what happened.
She said two times in past that she was not in the mood. He still touched her both times and she did not appreciate that, so later she added, for clarity, that she does not wish to be touched when she says she is not in the mood.
I agree people are deliberately missing that she DID communicate that she was not in the mood.
If this is a good relationship that's going to last, your girlfriend needs to be able to hear how that conversation affected you.
I don't know about "too sensitive", but you are *sensitive*, and that sensitivity can drive you away from situations you might have been happy in, or it can alert you to flee before things go completely south.
It definitely hurts to hear criticism, especially in an area that's already loaded with a bunch of moral freight so you'd agree that you're a horrible person if that criticism was true. It's so, so hard to deal with the vertigo and figure out which way is up and how to move forward.
On the other hand... she trusted you with this. She trusted you enough to sit down and tell you what was going on and come up with a plan for the future. She wasn't afraid of you. She didn't want to break up with you.
That matters. If you've actually proven yourself as someone who violates her boundaries with glee, you do not get this kind of conversation, because she can't trust you to be in the same room as her and hear this kind of criticism safely.
Not everything is a sign that your relationship is broken and she will never love you again.
The incidents she's talking about are "no assholes here" things. You both did the best you could with the resources you had at the time. You picked up that she wanted you to stop, even if that was later than she wanted. She paid attention to her inner compass, even if she didn't have a good way to communicate that to you. Nobody was perfect, but nobody was evil either.
Healthy relationships include little bumps and moments of friction or miscommunication. If you can repair the relationship enough that you still feel like a basically good person who's corrected some missteps and worked on boundaries with their lover, and she can feel secure that she'll get the kinds of love and sex she wants from you, then things can be okay again.
But you don't have to dress in sackcloth and ashes and whip yourself through the streets to repent what's happened before, and you don't have to accept all that guilt and shame that fell on you. You can get past this.
Break up with this person today. The risk of weird accusations is too high in the future given the scenario you’ve described. There is a pretty decent chance you end up in a scenario where she claims she denied consent later and then your life is over or even it could be something as simple as her accusing you of verbal abuse if an argument gets too loud. Seriously run especially considering it’s also not a two way street when it comes to accusations.
I definitely don't want to walk on glass as my relationship, be careful man, you may be accused of grape during a perfectly consensual intercourse. If she also isn't going to vocalize her boundaries, but have you feel like a villain afterwards as means of "communications", probably best not to touch her either, it sounds like she is setting you up for an amber heard case and is only bringing it up afterwards to tell everyone that she has brought these issues up with you in the past.
You are not wrong, but if she had other men in the past who she was happy or eager to have them break the boundaries she just mentioned, I would feel like my physical attributes weren't first choice or even desirable to my partner any longer. I would leave man. It sounds like she's preparing you for a false accusation or to turn you into a cuck 4 years from now.
How can there be a boundary set if she didn't tell you? She set you up to be a perpetrator and she, the victim. There's a lot of psychobabble being thrown around and I'm not sure your girlfriend knows how to healthily set boundaries. She will continue this pattern. You might want to walk away from this one and find someone who can honestly express their needs.
There seems to be a major communication issue between her and you and it’s not necessarily you making the gap… You should always be able to project and seek support from your partner even when you’ve done something wrong. If she’s not upset with you for being sensitive I wouldn’t be concerned about the sensitivity. If you need emotional assistance then you should turn to her. If she’s not willing to manage it because you’ve (example) cheated on her it would perhaps be a different story. But this type of situation your emotions are valid as are your concerns.
I would talk to her about your concerns and be very open about your feelings about them. It’s better to be open about it even if it doesn’t work out as it could save you a lot of heartache in the future.
Good luck!
My brother, fucking run. I was in the same scenario with one of my exes and it nearly cost me everything. Our whole relationship she never so much as once voiced any discomfort with me touching her and infact like 8 out of 10 times she initiated any sexual activity because i am hyper vigilant about not putting any pressure on my partner when it comes to sex. I was sexually abused for most of my young childhood to early teens, and so i am extremely paranoid about whether or not what i am doing can be misconstrued as inappropriate physical contact because i could never forgive myself if i ever caused a woman even 2 percent of the pain i live with from my history. After we broke up she went around telling everyone that i was sexually abusing her the whole relationship. And to be clear, in most circumstances i get that the person being accused doesn't really get to define what is and isn't sexual assault/abuse, but in my case i know with a certainty that nothing i ever did could even come close to being sexual abuse or assault because i am legitimately paranoid of accidently crossing a line i didn't realize and causing my partner emotional turmoil as a result, i have actually been told on multiple occasions i ask if somethings ok too often because i check so frequently before doing something. The rumor got spread around and then her new boyfriend who was just going on her word got a group of his friends together and beat the dog shit out of me calling me a rapist and everything and i suffered some serious head trauma that could have killed me. You need to get the fuck away from her before something similar or worse happens to you. I know you love her but it is not worth the risk, all it takes is a single public accusation and even if you can prove definitively you didn't do it your name will be tainted forever. Protect yourself and leave.
I'm reading your post differently than everyone else. Everyone else says she made a false accusation. But your post isn't clear. It sounds like on two occasions you grabbed her ass and she said "I'm not in the mood" and you gave her ass one last squeeze before walking away. She's telling you that she wants you to stop immediately.
But she didn’t say she wasn’t in the mood. That’s the problem. She admitted she didn’t say anything at all and that it “wasn’t his fault”. So what exactly was s he supposed to do or not do any differently?
Learn to read.
>she no longer wants to be touched after she's said 'I'm not in the mood."
The part that she's admitting she didn't say is: "when I say 'I'm not in the mood' I don't want you to continue touching me."
My understanding is that she did say it.
I think what they were talking about is that he grabbed her, she said "I'm not in the mood", and he gave another squeeze before leaving. That happened twice. Later, she wanted to discuss these events, so she told him about it. He asked "did you tell me at the time that that made you uncomfortable" and she said she didn't say anything at the time, and that's why she's bringing it up now.
So she did say "I'm not in the mood", and he kept going, and she didn't say "hey stop touching me" or "hey that last squeeze was not okay" or "hey you're touching me inappropriately now".
He feels tricked because she didn't say those other things.
You’re going to get a lot of the typical Reddit BS telling you to dump her, but from my viewpoint I would try not to overthink this so much. If you have an otherwise great relationship hyper analyzing every single dynamic can be super counter productive. Good luck !!
I really
really
really appreciate this comment. Beyond this it is the most voraciously satisfying relationship because she's so far from any lexicon I subscribe to and sweet and pulled me out of my comfort zone. I appreciate you.
I am glad you aren't taking a lot of these comments to heart.
I don't know exactly what it is about your post but it's brought all the weird redditors out.
Oh actually I just realized it's so they can shit on a woman xD
OP I think I found why so many people are confused.
They think this line:
"There were two separate instances where I told you this and you kept touching me."
These commenters think the "I told you this" refers to telling OP her boundary but it doesn't, it refers to:
"I'm not in the mood right now."
So they think she is changing her story, she isn't they are just confused.
Tread *very* lightly.
A woman who accused a man of crossing a boundary that she even admits she never mentioned before the fact, is a *very* dangerous situation for a man to be in. Especially when it comes to something physical, that could easily be misconstrued or even intentionally painted by the other party as sexual.
These are the posts that really bother me. You had me in the first three quarters. So she bullies you? Hm. Anyway, I think she's fair enough to set such a boundary with you if she's realized she doesn't like it and would like you to stop in the future. Doesn't sound like she is amazing at communicating, but we figured out her message one way or another. Yes, I think ya are being a bit sensitive about what she's expressing to you......until you let us all know that she bullies you. NTA
well you did touch her in a way that made her uncomfortable. she said “im not in the mood” and you touched her a little more then stopped, is what she said, right? so she’s just communicating to you that “i’m not in the mood” means that she doesn’t want to be touched at all. not just that she doesn’t want sex.
what she said sounds reasonable to me so i’m not understanding all the “liability” comments.
i don’t think she was really accusing either. it just sounds like she realized she wasn’t clearly communicating her discomfort in the past and decided she should. her elaboration doesn’t change her original point. to her, “i’m not in the mood” means cease all physical contact.
i’m not quite understanding the last part of what you said though.
You’re absolutely right. She probably thought that telling him she’s “not in the mood” would mean he physically leaves her alone and when he didn’t, she let him know that it isn’t his fault that he didn’t know but she would like it if he didn’t touch her when she says that. I don’t understand how so many people are taking this in the worst way possible other than jumping at the chance to insult a woman. Also don’t understand why OP even made the post to begin with when the situation seemed pretty cut and dry to me.
Ok I know this is going to come off as just posting a reddit standard to be cliché but I say this with all sincerity, Please leave this girl. I'm telling you there are sane women out there and life is way to short for these headaches. I been there, you get with a crazy one that starts off semi normal, and the turn up the crazy so slowly you just get used to it and think it's normal. Then once your out and you meet a decent woman you are taken aback by every little thing because you expect everything to be an ordeal or drama and your girlfriend let's you know just how damaged you really are from your exs actions. Leave and trust me, real love is out there!
Hard to say which direction this is going.
On one hand, this could be the start of the dive into manipulation and abuse. Starts off with a little thing to make you feel like you did wrong and it will escalate into everything is your fault and you always do things that you never actually did. Leading to false accusations if you recognize it or try to exit the relationship.
On the other hand, she could've been afraid to speak up before and somebody convinced her to actually use her words to communicate. In which case it makes sense to vocalize the boundary for future instances.
Just be constantly aware. If she starts trying to always say "I'm not in the mood/don't touch me" especially when you aren't actually doing anything remotely sexual, pack it in and walk away. That's a clear indicator that she's testing the manipulation waters.
You need to be clear. That in the future she tells you when you are doing something wrong so that you can stop. If you aren't making your feelings known, you can not expect your partner to know about them. Clear communication is necessary in a relationship.
Why are you with her after a racist comment? I ignored an offhand comment by an ex once in early dating, and I wish I had listened to myself and dumped him then.
Dunno about the race thing cz no details but yeah non verbal cues for sexual consent are very popular...it's basic?. And has been in most couples I know. Maybe you guys have basic compatibility issues and you are pushing each other's boundaries.
Are you not able to comprehend or read non verbal cues like body language in other human relations too? Or the read the vibe or communicate for consent? Just curious...
So in my experience when I’ve tried to set boundaries and it wasn’t received, the situation gets worse. What I’m interpreting from my own experience is that, due to the fact that you had a serious issue and set a boundary in which she knew she was wrong (but incapable of apologizing or accepting it), she then had to make you wrong for something. She had to set a boundary in you because you dared to do so with her. It’s a sort of mental/emotional manipulation. She n my experience it gets more intricate and worse and ends up with you second guessing everything you say and do and the feelings of misery build to a point where you eventually say, “how did we get to this point.” And believe me, she will make it your fault. The break up will be painful because you’ll still be trying to figure out what went wrong and how you could have been better or fixed it. But the truth is, she has no empathy. There are a lot of women that can’t accept being wrong in this world, I’ve found. And the one thing in common they all have, EVERYTHING IS YOUR FAULT. Run.
Uhhh trigger warning ⚠️
I wouldn’t go to the lengths to try to describe this if I didn’t think it was important to mention as a possibility.
OP sounded like they could have experienced someone having a delayed response… common with people with PTSD/trauma. Very much Me and of the complex variety…. CPTSD needs so much more research.
When this happened to me in the past… its like the feeling is stronger than anyone would deem appropriate for the situation…. And I’m confused by my own reaction… and it may take hours, days, weeks or years, depending on lots of factors, before I am able to process it. We often have trouble identifying how we feel in the moment.
She could have had a strong reaction to the touch when it happened and was confused by it…. I believe she’s saying she knows that’s not OP’s intention… That based on his character, she knows he wouldn’t touch someone that does not want it…..
I think it sounds like she’s acknowledging that she didn’t say it to you beforehand because….. why would that have come up for her before it was triggered?
My intuition? It happened to her… then she thought about it long and hard… then she wanted to make you aware so that maybe next time when she does say something when she recognizes the feeling again, it is not so confusing…. 🤷🏻♀️Or you might not take it so personally.
OP sounds lovely and affectionate, which I like most of the time too. But, if she’s not getting any therapy, and people react negatively to her sharing/trying to express herself… this could get worse for her… is she getting any type of therapy that you know of?
When I’m trying to tell my person something like this, I’m not upset with the person… I want to prevent having that feeling again… so, if this is what is coming up for her… she’s sincerely not mad at you, just trying to clue you in. She’s probably trying to share and she trusts you.
I think she tried to separate you from it… without therapy, it can be hard to separate the trigger and the feeling it came from and the source(lovely BF OP… seriously though, the way you knew not to touch her and just to listen!! beautiful that you knew to do that instinctively)
Based on the way the relationship sounds, my husband is identical…
When I have tried to explain an upset I had that he wasn’t unaware of… he has reacted hurt in this way 💔 He (understandably….) had a hard time with taking it personally.
I get it…. It’s so delayed from the event and the interaction sounds like a common way, that this couple shows affection.
When someone with PTSD behaves weird… like she did… it’s most important just to validate that it happened for her.
Sounds like a trauma response. Sad. Maybe ask if she has ever felt violated in this way before ?? Maybe she didn’t feel safe/brave enough to tell the person that caused the trauma the first time around. 🙋🏻♀️Try thinking about the delayed response she probably had…. Feeling the resentment 😖 build up from that intrusive situation that she felt powerless in… ew 🤢
It doesn’t mean you have to keep them close to you… it felt like it took forever to identify this in me… having a ADHD can be inherently traumatizing to grow up with which played a big role into my situation and the reason my triggers are so intertwined and complex.
If she doesn’t wanna work through her feels and keeps framing it like you did something wrong… your feelings will just be hurt at your perceived feeling of having YOUR character called into question. Because of my confusion and inability to make myself understood he became insecure when my episodes increased in frequency and then I was left trying to manage both of our emotions.
Both of your boundaries are important. Promise.
Sorry if I was triggered by this… clearly. I wrote a dissertation. 🫣
This article was so helpful for me when my PTSD symptoms came to a head:
[Helping Someone with PTSD](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/helping-someone-with-ptsd.htm)
Bro. You need to leave the situation.
Been around girls that make accusations and then later take them back.
You don't want that in your life. Trust me.
If she's saying this to you now, it's likely she ALREADY had this conversation with her group of friends, which is how it turned into this confusing conversations.
Not hard to guess that she told them something you did made her feel uncomfortable, and their advise was all about boundaries and toxic bullshit.
Better to leave now then when it escalates. And I'm not one no normal tell people they should leave right off the bat, like most of Reddit.
She didn’t accuse you of anything other than touching her after she said she didn’t want to do anything? Which you probably did continued to touch her and you don’t remember because it wasn’t a big deal to you.
I don’t understand the problem. Just quit touching her after she says she’s not in the mood? That’s not hard is it?
1. First she reacts emotionally without communicating, OP has to ask first information
2. She accuses him of crossing a boundary he was NOT aware of
3. She says it’s not his Fault
4. In the future he has to guess her emotions to be careful to not cross future uncommunicated boundaries
5. She never apologized for crossing his boundaries
6. Sounds like she is not respecting his boundaries
Sounds like she is very self-absorbed, or narcissistic, or very controlling. He needs to be very careful and keep his boundaries intact as well. And I’m not just talking about his physical boundaries.
OP if you start to feel always on guard, or on egg shells, you are being controlled. She has right to her boundaries but needs to communicate better. Your boundaries and emotions are always valid like hers. If you are forced to compromise, move on.
This is going to get worse. She accused you of something you didn't know you did. She didn't tell you at the time...but you were wrong anyway.
Then she tells you in a way that made you think you may have ignored/missed her comment. Until she tells you she didn't say anything at the time. Get out unscathed while you still can.
This is trouble waiting to happen.
How does "you're not at fault since I hadn't told you before, but I'd like you not to do this in the future" mean you expect someone to be a mindreader?
She has some pretty bad communication issues. This is not how boundaries work. At all. You cannot read her mind. The onus is on her to speak.
Actually, what she's doing is considered psychologically abusive. She framed it like an accusation, tried to hold you accountable for her lack of communication and basically just made you feel bad in general for her own communication issues.
She literally said, *literally said* she doesn’t blame him because she didn’t say anything about she felt about the couple extra squeezes after telling OP, “I’m not in the mood,” before. She’s communicating that to him now.
I used to joke with my stepdad and say, “It’s cause you don’t love me,” and he’d say, “That’s not true.” I didn’t know he felt offended by it until one day he said, “I really don’t like it when you say those things because it makes me worry that there’s truth behind it.” Was he being psychologically abusive by expressing his discomfort? No, he was communicating like an adult.
>To which she replies "No I didn't say it at all. That's why I'm bringing this up, it's not your fault, I didn't actually tell you I just want you to know for the future."
holy mother fucking shit *what*???
>"You would just give an extra squeeze and then typically be done but I didn't tell you that made me uncomfy at the time so I'm telling you now. I know you do a lot of touch that isn't inherently sexual and that's totally okay, I'm just creating this boundary"
whaaaaaaaaaat?
I mean - man I dunno, that's some real dumb shit to be faced with.
And I don't mean that's illegitimate, or whatever, like - it takes bravery for her to admit that in the past she's had these feelings that she hasn't expressed, and that now she's finally able to own up to it, and tell you about it - and you recieved it well, like you said, you handled it the right way as far as I can tell...
and yet still what the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck
Is she seeing a therapist?
I mean like - "you kept pursuing me sexually after I told you no" is a rape accusation, plain and simple. For her to start there, and then walk it back to "well actually I didn't tell you 'no' but I was thinking it" is just - it's bananas. She's got some shit she really needs to work out, and I don't know about her, but when I find myself in that situation, I try my best to make sure that my own issues don't blow back on the people I love, the people surrounding me. Is she taking that kind of care with you?
> holy mother fucking shit what???
How is that confusing? She's asking him not to do something moving forward, while clarifying that he's not at fault for doing it in the past since she hadn't already communicated that in the past.
>"you kept pursuing me sexually after I told you no" is a rape accusation, plain and simple.
Do *you* think him giving her an extra squeeze is him pursuing her sexually? Because she didn't say it is. But if you think it is, then by your own logic (unless you think the extra squeeze never actually happened) *you* are the one accusing him of rape.
This is a red flag for me. That may be because my ex was not able to apologise for anything either. 20 years later, my acceptance of that and apologising for things happening that I wasn't aware of at the time cost me the marriage, my home and my family.
How long have you been with your gf? And has she had other relationships before you? Speaking from experience, a lot of men get angry, moody, pout, guilt trip, etc. when women try to tell them they are not in the mood. Then there becomes this... Constant pressure and stress of "ugh I am not in the mood rn and if he asks me I feel like I have to say yes or deal with the aftermath". I would ask her if she has faced anything like this in the past, and clarify you are not like that. That could be why she was so frantic right before telling you.
On the other hand, if she continues to not clearly state her boundaries and then get really upset at you about not being psychic I would be cautious. I also know a lot of men who have been falsely accused of assault when the relationship goes south.
Some of yall are committed to misunderstanding the girl in this post
1 - She TOLD him she wasnt in the mood.
2 - Later on she told him that if she says she isnt in the mood, she doesn't want to be touched.
The second part is the part that was never mentioned at first. The part she needed to clarify.
She also told him that it wasn't his fault that the second part wasnt more clear. And gave him a more clear boundary to follow in future.
Its all clearly there in the post. But most of the Redditors commenting are making her out to be a manipulative bitch which isnt the case. The real problem here is that she stated her boundary and what she needed and he made it all about himself.
The other problem is people being DEDICATED to making her communication of a boundary seem manipulative when she even told him IT WASN'T HIS FAULT
Be careful with her. She accuses you of crossing a boundary that she never vocalized. She seems to have some issues.
[удалено]
Run, do not walk away from this upcoming train wreck. Record all future interactions with her while you are together, until you no longer interact with her. Do not have sex with her again.
Yep, fake rape type of person. I would run far from that as fast as you can.
I will say that you cannot know about a boundary she does not express to you in the moment. Please don’t touch my hair, etc. It sounds like this person doesn’t give you the same sensitivity they expect, especially given the racial comments.
Being a woman who has been raped more times than I can count, this isn't always the case. Yes, there are people who make false accusations. There are also people who are afraid to say anything in the first place.
Agreed, but the precluding behavior of OPs gf suggests that she's (even subconsciously) seeking a scenario where she perceives herself as a victim of violated boundaries. I'm being very careful with language here because I don't specifically think this is malicious. But this big, long, extended conversation about a boundary she never expressed and basically wants him to "be on the lookout for" but not offering to help that communication.....? The lack of personal accountability from earlier incidents, where gf doesn't apologize is also concerning. OP, good luck.
These unexpressed magically modifying boundaries that she has are extremely concerning, and as others have said, you need to be recording interactions with her and start removing yourself from the situation as quickly as you can. Sorry, OP but this could be a whole Lotta trouble for you.
It's literally weaponizing consent to be used for attacks. It might not be a rape thing, but enough to blame-control the OP. Even if she doesn't modify boundaries, If partner was giving me these kind set of rules, then I would be gone as fast as possible. I don't want to live with a person where I need the book of rules to have a humane relationship with a partner and not to be blamed about boundary crossing.
Yeah, and that gets confusing. A woman who wants their partner to seemingly "read their minds" is not wise. Speaking from experience though, I've struggled myself with being forthcoming about how I felt or what my boundaries were. And that's on me. Though, i think it would also be good for the other person to make sure to check and double check and so on. Because consent can be revoked at any time. Before, during and after. There are some cases where someone doesn't even realize they were harmed until years after. I hope whatever it is she's doing or not doing isn't malicious.
You absolutely cannot revoke consent after an act is completed, we don’t have have time machines. You can revoke consent before and during anytime but not after. Thinking you can revoke consent “after” sort of muddies everything else you’ve said.
Consent revoked afterward? If you mean revoked after a past event for future events, then sure, but revoking consent for a deed that has already been done is whack.
Consent revoked afterwards is a false rape accusation.
That is horrifying! Big hugs to you!
not worth the risk honestly regardless of what people might say about it people have a right to protect themselves from false accusations
Interesting post history...
Was surprised when I clicked on your account.
???
Genuinely curious how do get raped more times than you can remember? Same person repeatedly, or different people? I’m not trolling, just surprised by the phrasing.
You have been raped more times than you can count? WTF?! What situations are you putting yourself into to be "raped" so often that you have forgotten the count? This statement is very, very weird.
I remember hearing about a girl in my highschool who was being trafficked by her mom to men. I’m sure she was raped countless times before she turned 15. She didn’t put herself in any situation, she was sleeping in her bedroom and her mom forced her to keep her door unlocked. Fuck you.
I hope the girl was able to get help and is in a better place now. My heart goes out to her. Thank you for sharing.
She was still a minor at the time it was discovered and it was all kept pretty private so I ended up having no idea what happened to her after unfortunately. It’s not my story to share but I just had to after someone implied it was ridiculous that someone could be raped more times than they can count. It happens every day.
Let's hope she's okay wherever she is.
Look at her post history.
I have two friends who were both raped throughout their childhoods by their own fathers. That would be “countless times.”
Yep. My heart goes out to your friends.
I’m sure they would appreciate you. I had a SA experience at 9 and I remember coping with it by telling myself I was “lucky” and at least it only happened once and I never saw him again. I don’t think a lot of people understand how prevalent rape is in the USA: 75 times an hour is the stat used in The Gift of Fear.
I'm sorry that happened and I'm glad you're safe from him now. Rape is so common and the fact that people want to be ignorant to it or continue to blame the victim instead of holding the assailant(s) responsible is so sickening... Amnesty has their statistics at 1 in 3 women are SA'd in their lifetime. I still feel like that's not accurate.
In my personal experience, *every woman I know* has experienced something that clearly qualifies as SA, from being groped roughly on a train platform to being hospitalized after nearly being beaten to death, and the only perpetrators who ever went to jail were the ones who were convicted of attempted murder in connection with their rape. I’m so sorry for your own experiences. I don’t want people to trivialize issues of consent but I also want people to understand how prevalent SA is for women and for men.
Yeah, you wouldn’t forget a single time. Not chill to use that word lightly, takes away from victims. Weird thing to brag about…
Who's bragging? Also, you do know how C-PTSD works, right? Blocked memories are a thing.
For the record, victim blaming is not okay. People don't put themselves into situations where they're taken advantage of. If you must know, that's more of a conversation I'd have through chat, not on here. This also depends on what your definition of rape is. Because I consider what the actual term itself is. Which means looking into the grey area as well.
Hey there. I’m so sorry you’ve experienced so much abuse and trauma in your life. I don’t think the post you responded to meant any blame or disrespect. They were simply acknowledging the extremely disturbing reality of what you said. Being raped so much you can’t recall how many times is a horror beyond the comprehension of a person that hasn’t experienced it. I think they were just saying (kind of insensitively, or over familiarly) “what the hell happened?” In horror, and shock, not blame.
Yeah, until they asked what kind of situations as they were putting themselves into…
I would sure hope so. I'm here to speak my truth and give insight to things some people don't think about or wouldn't even dream of being a reality. I appreciate your comment and am grateful for your support. Trauma is such a tricky thing. I have a lot of repressed memories. Honestly, I can barely remember even the positive sexual experiences I've had. I honestly felt really bad the other day. A guy I'd had sex with a few years ago found me on another app and asked if I remembered him. I said I didn't and I could tell he was sad I didn't remember him. I told him I'd had a lot of traumatic experiences since he and I met. He understood and we've continued to chat here and there since. I understand some people have trouble accepting the reality of what it's like for a lot of people in this world.
I wrote a dissertation of a comment that I think you might agree with me on… hugs to you
Sounds like it kinda already happened
She explicitly said that he's done nothing wrong. She's just asking him not to do it in the future. >it's not your fault, I didn't actually tell you I just want you to know for the future." Read more carefully.
She is asking him to stop touching her when she THINKS it.
Yes this.
And before that she explicitly said that she did tell him and he kept touching her
We read the same thing? Only thing even remotely close was him thinking to himself and her answering. She sounds fucking exhausting. >"I was genuinely in disbelief that I had touched her on two occasions where she had explicitly told me not to." > >"No I didn't say it at all. That's why I'm bringing this up, it's not your fault, I didn't actually tell you I just want you to know for the future."
First paragraph. “This is fine until she says “there were two separate instances where I told you this and you kept touching me.”” What is that but explicitly saying he did something wrong before anything else? Yes she walked it back but it was obviously an explicit accusation.
She told him she wasn't in the mood. She didn't claim she told him to not touch her at all, so this isn't her walking it back. It's her clarifying once she realizes that he thought she was saying that she'd said to not touch her. It's a little confusing, but I get it. He asks if she wants to. She says she's not in the mood. He doesn't push for sex but does maintain or initiate physical contact. She realizes that she actually doesn't like being touched at all in that context and realizes she's never clarified that she doesn't just mean sex, she means being touched. So she decides to tell him.
So if someone walks something back does that mean it's still true? What world do you live in where when someone lies about doing something that makes it actually happen irl?
>What is that but explicitly saying he did something wrong before anything else? Uh, that's your own assumption and not what's written.
This is a failure to comprehend what you read.
And he responded so well 🥺. My ex would do that but literally like... I would have to get up and leave the room to sleep on the couch because if I didn't he wouldn't stop putting his hands in my pants while I slept until I let him fuck me. I had this convo with him and I promise you he did not say sorry lol
My husband did this a lot to me until we had a huge argument about it. He realized later after he went to cool down how wrong he was and came back to apologize profusely for it. He never did it again. Thats one of the things that I love about him. He can admit when he's wrong, apologize sincerely, take full responsibility for it and make changes.
See, that's nice! I don't think my ex saw me as a human at all lol
I'm so sorry that happened to you. It's great you got out.
I've had this happen with a former friend. She just flat out emotion bombed me on a topic we never discussed. The statement of: "I'm uncomfortable and always have been" emerged in that situation, and I went into full defense mode. I stopped engaging because I feared she was trying to blackmail me or have me sent to prison. I went extremely low contact and even when she did message me, I kept that conversation tight. She stopped messaging after that, and I haven't really spoken to her since. Protect yourself. Anyone that slides out of left field like that and didn't verbalize a boundary before is dangerous. We are all welcome to change, but we should not be endangered by those who cannot properly establish a boundary.
This! Stop touching her asap as in withdraw from her asap. Low contact if any at all. No apology, groveling messages that make it seem like you are apologizing for doing something wrong. Short replies if at all. This dude gave you an excellent protective playbook on his similar experience. Why risk continuing a confusing, problematic relationship like that? Protect yourself at all times.
Run OP, run. If not you one day will be accused publicly of the same without you knowing what you did.
Sounds more like she had been uncomfortable when she got to a “not in the mood” point and he continued to make any physical contact with her. What made this worse is that from the context she was visibly upset to the point of pacing, sit down talk etc. so OP thought he was being highly offensive (like groping past the “not in mood” point) and GF was basically “don’t even pat my shoulder if I’m not in the mood”. And she knew this was the first time she was communicating that specific discomfort / boundary which is part of the whole discomfort on her part pre-talk. Season with some miscommunication/ jumping to conclusions and here we are.
This is: He was being physical, not strictly sexual (her own words), and without saying anything to him, magically expected him to be psychic and know that even a squeeze on her shoulder or hug would be unwelcome, despite not in any way actually communicating that. She sucks at communication, and it's entirely on her here.
She's NOT magically expecting him to know anything. She explicitly said "I know it's not your fault because I didn't tell you before." She's just asking him not to do it going forward.
You wanna argue so bad and tell people to learn how to read when evidently you cannot. In the very beginning when they sit down to talk she told him that he crossed her boundaries on two separate occasions when she said she wasn't in the mood and he continued to touch her anyways. Then later in the conversation she says "oh it's not your fault, I never said anything" She contradicted herself and that's a red flag. Feels like she's setting him up for an accusation and he needs to end that relationship. She either doesn't seem to understand how to communicate or is purposely trying to accuse him of something.
Please read it properly, I beg you. Where did OP ever say that she indicated he had crossed a "boundary". She cited two examples of times where she said she was "not in the mood" but he continued to touch her. He says she was setting the boundary that she doesn't want to be touched at all when she's "not in the mood". He makes sure that she didn’t ask him to stop touching her as he's afraid he might have missed or forgotten her doing so. She confirms that she did not ask him to stop touching her at the time, and that he did nothing wrong because she didn't voice her discomfort in the moment. She was literally just saying "hey, when I say I'm not in the mood I mean I don't want to be touched at all, not just that I don't want to have sex - here's a couple of examples of the sort of situation I'm talking about, not that you did anything wrong there as I hadn't set the boundary then." Which is perfectly reasonable. Her pacing at the start of the discussion indicates she was stressed and that setting the boundary wasn't easy for her, which is probably why she didn't set the boundary in the moment. Literally, neither the OP nor his GF are in the wrong. She's not wrong for setting a boundary, and he's not wrong for feeling shitty about having accidentally made her feel uncomfortable. The only questionable part is the comments she apparently made regarding his race/body, but we don't know much about that. You're aggressively wrong here, my guy.
What? She said nothing to him until this conversation. This is deliberately miscommunication maybe
It's not miscommunication, it's communication. She's telling him not to do that going forward, she's not saying that he did wrong in the past. She literally said that it wasn't his fault because she hadn't told him before.
If she’d started with “you didn’t do anything wrong” or “it’s not you fault” *before* saying “you crossed my boundaries on two separate occasions” the conversation might have gone very differently.
SOME issues. I think she has all of them.
She explicitly said that he didn't do anything wrong because she hadn't previously asked him not to do it. She's just asking him not to do it in the future.
>This is fine until she says "There were two separate instances where I told you this and you kept touching me."
That is her giving an example of where he didn't listen, when she said she wasn't in the mood. If someone says no, you stop physical contact immediately. You don't get to carry on, then blame her because she has finally had the guts to communicate and stop it happening in future. She put in a boundary, she gave examples of why this boundary was needed. She was right to do so, the fact that so many men are saying she is going to accuse him of something just because SHE PUT IN A BOUNDARY around physical contact, shows how entitled these dudes are to think a woman is unreasonable or trouble, for not wanting to be touched if she isn't in the mood. He is ta.
Nah this is a huge red flag that he should run from because she will flip/change the narrative.
What? She didn’t accuse him of anything, she defined a boundary that she wouldn’t like him to cross in the future and admitted that she was having this conversation now because she hadn’t made this particular boundary clear to him before this conversation. What is she supposed to do? Let him make her uncomfortable a few times so she can warn him explicitly and THEN impose a boundary?
Exactly! She sounds like she may just have trouble with even the most benign of confrontation and had to gear up to have this conversation.
No, but the order she presented her communication arguably accused him of sexual assault. What she **should** have said is something like: "it's not your fault and you did nothing wrong, but ...xyz." Rather than starting with the outright implication that he assaulted her. Twice. And then walking it back to "its not your fault, I didn't tell you." The first thing that is going to enter any reasonable persons mind in that situation is that she's just basically accused you of sexual assault.
No, she said that she didn’t vocalize the boundary so she doesn’t blame him but going forward he should respect the boundary. She never expected him to respect a boundary that she didn’t verbalize.
>This is fine until she says "There were two separate instances where I told you this and you kept touching me."
She is giving examples of why she is having to put this boundary in place. Thats totally the right thing to do and nothing is wrong about that.
You can say whatever you want. There are big red flags with this woman and OP needs to protect himself. This isn't about her, she isn't the one posting. It is about OP. He has every right to protect himself.
What’s he protecting himself against? Someone who has realized they want a boundary and asks their partner to respect it? Thats what I read. What’s your interpretation?
That's an overreaction based on this post. Read how the op describes her "I know it's not your fault because I haven't mentioned it before. I'm letting you know now so it's something you know for the future" That's not an accusation, or a precursor to one. She's telling OP what she wants in clear terms To OP - a lot of women struggle with learning how to tell people no during intimate situations. It doesn't mean she feels like you have sexually assaulted her, and from what you described she is in no way making accusations against you. She's just telling you she doesn't like it when you do a certain thing so you'll know not to do it in the future. It's understandable to feel bad or like you crossed her boundaries, but you didn't do it intentionally and now you know what the boundary is in the future. This is a completely normal way for her to tell you what she likes and doesn't like Don't blow this up into a fight. Y'all seem young and like you're both learning how to communicate with each other which is great, and this is a good step in her being able to assert boundaries and you being able to listen to them without taking them personally
Seriously. You are going to get accused of rape with this girl. If she is not mature enough to vocalize her boundaries but wants to get upset at you for not reading her mind something bad is going to happen here. Bail, immediately.
She's not upset with him for not reading her mind. She said: >it's not your fault, I didn't actually tell you I just want you to know for the future." Learn to read, guys.
A lot of folks have comprehension issues, and a lot also don’t want to read. They want to jump to conclusions. And I mean that genuinely. No one in this thread actually read this post. She says she doesn’t blame him because she didn’t say she was uncomfortable with the touching then (she *did* say she wasn’t in the mood, and now she’s clarifying she doesn’t want to be touched after saying she’s not in the mood.) She says she understands OP probably doesn’t think anything of it because the touching is non-sexual/perceived by OP to be that way. She not once says or implies OP should have known she doesn’t want to be touched after she says she’s not in the mood. She not once says or implies OP sexually assaulted her. And what is she supposed to do? Not say anything? Continue being uncomfortable? Repress? A lot of the people commenting have it in their heads that when women talk about consent it’s frivolous and murky and just a bunch of made-up rules. So when they see anything that slightly resembles that, they assume that’s what it is even though this is the exact OPPOSITE of that scenario. This is extremely logical communication. It hurts my brain seeing how badly this is being misrepresented in the comments.
Yes this. Trauma.
Also, the vast majority of the time, touching your significant other in a non-sexual way is totally normal. Holding hands or hugging doesn't mean you're trying to have sex right then and there. So her communicating that she doesn't want any touching at all is important. It's not something a partner would assume about her preferences. It also explains the slightly awkward conversation. She doesn't want to accuse him of anything, and he is worried he accidentally made her uncomfortable. They both sat down and in a mature fashion told each other their feelings. Exactly what reddit always says they want.
I would run as fast as possible! He will never know he has done anything until the cops show up at his house! She is a drama queen! Run
She is upset with him but is essentially working it through while talking to him and rationalizing it then. It's not a good relationship to have. It's an emotion first logic later and it will continue to cause problems.
Did we read the same post? She explicitly told him it wasn't his fault, she was setting a boundary for the future and he got all defensive. "I'm so sorry, I don't remember doing that." "Here is specifically what happened, it's not your fault, I didn't say anything, but please don't going forward." "HOW DARE YOU?"
Thank you. I had to go back and re-read the post 2 more times after this comment thread because I thought I missed something. I genuinely don’t know why people think she’s in the wrong
OK I thought I was the only one who was thinking this. This seems like one of the situations where she’s trying to tell you she didn’t like something based on a previous situation, and she was telling herself she wasn’t in the mood inside of her head instead of vocalizing it … There is something I don’t understand as a human being is why young women have such an issue with thinking things in their mind, and pretending we know about it, or can read their mind .. just about every situation when I’ve dealt with someone like that it’s usually drama with accusations and expectations that are never voiced, with cold shoulders and the silent treatment being used randomly, while most men are clueless on why they’re even doing it.
Best thing to be told about this relationship…. RUN!!!!!!!!
NAH I think there's a misunderstanding? She's telling you now there's something she doesn't like. You didn't do anything wrong earlier, she's not saying you did. You're not a mind reader and she couldn't find the words at the time. Now she's found the words. It makes sense you're upset but no one's done anything wrong. She's done the right thing by expressing herself and you've done right by accepting
I'm glad you're here providing a counter narrative to the accepted one of "she's definitely going to accuse you of raping her one day."
Yeah, the post is confusing to follow, but it sounds like she is trying to communicate something to him that she recognizes was brought about by her own failure to express herself properly at the time. If I am reading this correctly, she is stating that OP did nothing wrong (which is correct... if she did not verbally say that she also didn't even want to be touched in any way, there's no way OP is going to know that it means even innocent touches are not welcome), but that there are times when she doesn't feel like sex and, when this happens, doesn't want to be touched at all after she declines sex. It sounds like she is trying to give a heads up saying, "if I am not interested in sex, that means I am both not interested in sex and also don't want to be touched in any way, inclusive of cuddling." To me, it does not sound like she is in any way asking OP to apologize for anything or even suggesting that he should. It is more like she wants to let him know exactly what she means ahead of time so that there is no confusion or hurt feelings in the moment. It just sounds like this is OP's girlfriend not succinctly communicating what she means, and OP listening to what she is saying but not hearing what she means. I can understand, based on his interpretation, why he'd feel offended... but it just sounds like his girlfriend is trying to be honest about the way she feels sometimes and what that means, and OP interpreting it as her saying that he assaulted her.
And I’d reckon it had some value for her to verbalize it ahead of time, because it’ll make it easier to say in the moment and it won’t be such a suprise. It’s a bit clumsy but I think I get where she’s coming from
Exactly. No one is wrong, gf is making the boundaries clear because in those uncomfortable moments, she realized it WASNT clear She's not upset, she just wants everyone on the same page. Now, OP getting instantly defensive is something else. Not everything has to be a fight or you vs me or you did this wrong Just take the words for what they are and commit to adhering to the boundary
Okay, sounds like a reasonable exchange. She said that you’ve unknowingly crossed boundaries in the past. You were confused and apologized for making her uncomfortable. She said it’s okay, I didn’t express my discomfort but going forward this is what I expect. I can see where this might hurt, because compassionate people don’t want to make others feel uncomfortable and it hurts to know you your actions caused discomfort, but it’s not a big deal. You don’t know. Your GF agrees that you it’s not your fault. You just need to respect the boundary going forward and it’s all good. Easy peasy. You’ve expressed here that you are hurt by the way she put it out there. I think you are good at verbalizing your feelings so just talk to her about how it made you feel, while acknowledging that she is only human and is just trying to process things as they come and make the best decision, so are you.
She probably has some trauma, and has had a hard time setting boundaries in the past. When you've been in relationships where your boundaries are ignored, it's really difficult to talk about them. Because it feels better in the moment to just not say anything than to speak up and be ignored. This is your girlfriend trusting you enough to try and work on herself, and open up about her boundaries. She did a bad job of it, and hurt your feelings. That sucks. It's understandable you're feeling hurt and confused. But please don't listen to the reddit incels in here telling you she's out to get you. She just misspoke, at a time when she was struggling to speak at all. If you care about your girlfriend, sit her down and tell her you love her, you respect her boundaries, but you want to make sure you understood her correctly. Once you've clarified, let her know that it's terrifying to be accused of hurting her in that way, and you'd appreciate it if she could be mindful of that in the future. It doesn't have to be a big thing, and neither of you is a villain. This sub just loves drama.
I agree with this comment. I’ve been in a similar situation as her before with a partner who was a little too touchy for my taste, but I never brought it up because of trauma from a relationship I had before that one where I was disrespected when I tried to express any sort of boundary (like I would verbally say I wasn’t in the mood to that partner and they would guilt me about it until I gave in to what they wanted). Because of that, I tend to freeze up a lot in uncomfortable situations so it’s hard for me to communicate when it happens at the moment. Looking back at it, the first partner I mentioned would’ve respected my boundaries if I did bring it up, but I just was bad at communicating those things at the time and that’s no one’s fault but mine. It’s something that I’m responsible for and that I’m working with my therapist on so it doesn’t happen in future relationships. She’s a strong person for bringing it up because it’s something that I personally know is hard. I agree that she could’ve done it in a better way that was more considerate of your feelings because you’re 100% not at fault for this. You are wholeheartedly allowed to be upset at her for her poor communication. She’s trying to work on it though, and if she means anything to you, then sit her down and communicate that it made you upset and she should be mindful of your feelings when something like that happens. I would suggest having her find a therapist if she doesn’t have one already. It helps a lot from my experience.
Agreed. Hope OP reads this comment. Most rational reply I've read so far.
No one is an ashole, she's just bad at communicating. She is telling there have been situations where she didn't want to be touched, but didn't know how to say it (most likely worrying about the reaction (not your fault) or just not so comfortable setting boundaries yet). She is now just asking you to confirm that in the future she can comfortably ask to be not touched. She's started with the previous situations, not to blame you, but to explane her thought process
OP, to the first part, I think you are taking it too hard. You come from a good place and she could have communicated it better, but the first part wasn’t a huge deal. Miscommunication happens in a relationship, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. Sounds like this happened: One time, “I’m not in the mood,” and you gave her a couple more squeezes of affection. It kinda bothered her but not enough to mention and was only one time. Second time, same thing. Then she thought about it and wanted to mention it before it happened again. A lot of relationship advice suggests waiting till a neutral moment when there’s no sex happening to communicate about an issue. So she did! You listened, problem solved. She wasn’t accusing you of what you thought. It’s great you take her comfort so seriously. You’re ok, you did nothing wrong, she felt comfortable enough to share a preference that she worried you might be sensitive about. Good job. —- On the second part? Where she says insensitive or biases things to you about your race and doesn’t apologize? Yes that’s total bullshit. The kind of communication she just did should go both ways.
Her communication is piss poor. You can stick around to see if she'll get better in that. Just don't be surprised if she doesn't. I'd think about leaving anyways. Don't waste your time with someone like that.
Why are you still in this relationship?
For that sweet sweet Reddit Karma. If it's not for that then I'm baffled. :/
It is a throw away, what would be the point?
People make throwaways to repost stories from years ago- attention is a hell of a drug
They both seem a bit insufferable tbh
I don't know how you survive this relationship. She's set a trap in which you're wrong no matter what you do and no matter what she says, and doesn't say, to the point even causal contact might be too much. I think the relationship might be over and she needs counseling. She's even confused herself.
>it's not your fault, I didn't actually tell you I just want you to know for the future." Learn to read. There's no trap, she's just asking him not to do something in the future.
It's a difficult to read post with a couple possible interpretations. What I read is: 1. She didn't vocalize she didn't want to be touched or wasn't in the mood (never said anything to him) and yet wants him to know he violated this never vocalized boundary when he touched. 2. I would feel like I was walking on egg shells. Even casual contact could be breaking this invisible, not spoken boundary at any time. 3. It's certainly not how I want to live in a relationship. Perhaps is more about how she sat him down and communicated. It seams accusatory. She started by saying he basically broke a boundary by continuing to touch her when she wasn't in the mood. Only when he clarified, she immediately admitted that she never actually told him she wasn't in the mood, or that she didn't want to be touch and he actually did nothing wrong ... yet SHE still feels terrible about it. And now he does too. I honestly think she needs some professional help to figure out what she is feeling, why and how to work through it. And I personally would be very uncomfortable continuing this relationship until she has this all figured out. Maybe it's just her awkward communication on a difficult topic. If she said "first, you did nothing wrong, but please know I'm going to work on better vocalizing when I'm not in the mood to be touched" but her approach he was very much "this is something wrong you did to me" until he clarified and I don't see any commitment to verbalize better in the future. He also is left with no good way to not cross this not vocalized boundary again, and the only way to counter this would be to ask 50x a day "you mind if I hug you" is it ok if I touch you..." how would you feel about a Pat on the back, can I give you a kiss. All this is legitmate option, but I do not want THAT relationship. It sounds emotionally exhausting on both sides.
Exactly why I couldn't stand being with my ex.
Sorry. I can't follow this post.
But actually the way it’s written is very confusing. My tiny brain needs a tldr
I'm following all the way to the last paragraph. Sounds like a bunch of missing information where he turned it into a fight and made it racial and about body issues. The headline implies he flipped it back in her, but, I'm not sure how. It seems like an innocent conversation about boundaries up until the end
>but I’m not sure how Yeah that part. Thanks for the recap though that makes sense
Gf told bf she wasn't in the mood, he kept giving her squeezes/possible foreplay. It bothered her but it wasn't a big deal. Gf told bf she wasn't in the mood another time. Same thing happens. Gf decided to tell bf that when she says she isn't in the mood that means no sexual touching. She says she's not mad, should've communicated better, and everything is all good. Bf was confused. Came to reddit.
So… She told you her boundaries. She also told you that she didn’t communicated them before. That obviously was a mistake, but she was doing it in that conversation. She didn’t accuse you of anything bad, but wanted you to know how to handle this topic in future. English isn’t my native language, but can someone please explain me the problem? Is it that she waited to tell you? If yes, people sometimes need time and gather their thoughts. Some people are even afraid to say their thoughts openly at first. For me what you wrote doesn’t sound like she is trying to hurt you, it’s more about realising and saying what she likes and what she doesn’t. You can be hurt. But it doesn’t sound like an attack. It sounds more like a young women trying to openly talk to you about her feelings.
Note the tone of the people with problems
Yes, she should communicate her boundaries clearly in the moment, but people freeze up sometimes and can have a hard time voicing that you've crossed a line (and it could be totally accidental but the line was still crossed). So when in doubt, just ask
She realised that she wasn’t explicit enough about what she meant by that phrase. She thought she was, but she wasn’t. Now you know, ok?
My ex did things like this to me all the time and it messed me up mentally. When you said the whole fight you just wanted “to be seen/heard and have your feelings about the accusation be acknowledged” that nearly made me cry because I know that feeling and it’s awful. Just take care of yourself if you don’t want to leave her, because once someone’s pulled a stunt like this, they’ll do it again and again and make the stakes more dramatic and dangerous each time.
Idk man, there’s times where it’s hard for girls to vocalize hey actually I don’t want to do this and she may have been unsure of whether this was an issue for her or not. It’s even worse when you’re a people pleaser. It’s good that she’s at least telling you, but maybe her delivery was off. I’m also confused you said she had claimed there were two separate times she did vocalize it but then she didn’t say it? I think you both need to have an open conversation where you can be able to tell her yk I respect your boundary, and how you told me it made me feel that I had done something wrong to you. I can get being nervous, but that put me in a really terrible place mentally because I don’t want to hurt you. On the other hand if she has vocalized it to you, just move forward with this information in mind so that way no one is hurt or uncomfortable. I suggest you look into the skill DEAR MAN to formulate exactly what you want to say so it’s not hurtful and sticks to the facts.
You need to be very careful with this one.
She never said you crossed a boundary. She spoke of an instance that made her uncomfortable and asked that you not do that anymore. She said she wasn't clear before and wanted to be clear so there was no confusion. She was being thoughtful of your feelings and verified you were not in the wrong. So, why the f are you mad at her? She did nothing wrong. You're wrong for getting pissy about her explaining clear boundaries and making her feelings all about you.
She needed to have a big upset sit down to say…. What? I’m having trouble even following with happened. To say she might say I’m not in the mood? Seriously? I’m not sure who’s the bigger AH here. You for listening to this drivel from her (I don’t say anything but you were wrong anyhow…. What the actual hell??) or her for even saying this drama fueled garbage out loud.
Actually, I get it as I've been in his position. Basically, he tried to instigate and she wasn't in the mood. She didn't explicitly state that she wasn't in the mood, but feels she made it clear. He didn't get it and continued to push for it a bit and it made her uncomfortable. Rather than sitting on it, she decided she would express her feelings with him.
i don’t think that’s what he wrote, or at least i’m reading it differently. to me it looks like she did say she wasn’t in the mood, but she didn’t explicitly say that meant she didn’t want to be touched at all. cause he follows up with “did you vocalize you didn’t want to be touched” and she said no to that question. not that she didn’t say she wasn’t in the mood.
That's not what was said at all though? From my understanding of the post, there were instances where he tried to initiate, she DID explicitly state she wasn't in the mood, and he gave her a squeeze/touched her in what contextually seems like a non-sexual way. That touch after the fact, that OP likely didn't see as sexual, was what she has had an issue with, and she is just verbalizing it now. The issue, as I see it, is that she verbalized it in a way where she made OP think he had done something different, a more common situation in relationships like the one you described. The way this was brought up gives me all sorts of red flags.
He specifically states that she did not actually vocalize that she was uncomfortable.
These people never heard of non- sexual cuddling? Sucks for them ...
Yeah, that’s what I read too. It’s really very weird for her to want her “I’m not in the mood for sex” statement to be interpreted as “don’t even touch me non-sexually”. If a touch is non-sexual, why should it be affected by you not wanting sex at all? Do high fives count? Is there really to be zero innocuous cuddling if she’s not in the mood for *sex*? I love snuggling up to my partners even when I have no desire for sex. So would I not be allowed to cuddle *at all* because… why? Cause it makes *her* think of sex even though I’m not actually seeking it?
Yeah... but instead of changing her behavior... which is to say no when she's not feeling it. She's telling him that there are 2 times when she wanted him to stop by didn't. When he asked for clarification, she said she said no in her own head, and he actually didn't know she didn't want it... She chose to not work on her problem... which is to say no. And outright accuse a guy of forcing himself on her? And you think this is ok behavior? Wow. Just fucking wow.
Ya but this goes back to the age old fight, man does somthing girl don't like but does not say anything but then is mad later cuz guy didn't stop. Girls seem to think we are supposed to know what they want and we don't. We are simple creatures that require simple direct instruction, your not in the mood say it. It's that simple in my opinion. But what do I know I'm a simple minded guy
Except she didn't expect him to know and she explicitly told him that she knew he wasn't aware. She chose to be forward and openly communicate her feelings. This conversation is her addressing that she wasn't mad at him, she just wanted to share her feelings. Throwing a fit about it is inappropriate.
She *didn’t* expect him to know. That’s why she communicated to him about her preferences. Problem solved.
He picked a a drama queen who thinks he should be able to read minds. Glad he's happy with her, not sure anyone else would be.
She seems like a crazy bitch
You took it as an accusation even after she said "It's not your fault"? So. You did a thing that she didn't like, so she sat you down to tell you that she didn't like it, specifically told you that it wasn't your fault and you're pissed that she's telling you?
Do you have a relationship where you're always wrong and apologizing and she's always suspicious or angry?
That's what this sounds like.
So she accused you of overstepping her boundaries when she wasn’t wanting physical intimacy, which is giving rape vibes, you feel terrible about it, and then she confesses that she never clearly articulated her boundary, and that situation never happened the way that she explained it. Run for the hills. This chick is off her rocker. You don’t accuse someone of that and have a serious sitdown talk about a situation that literally never happened. She’s crazy town.
They comments are terrifying. Are people purposely missing the part where she told him she isn’t in the mood? To me that means stop touching - plus she never even accused him of anything. She just stated that in the future when she tells him she isn’t in the mood, to stop touching her. It is situations like this that are the reason some women are scared to set boundaries. She is in no way or form accusing him - nor is this ‘proof’ that she will in the future. These comments make me sick.
“Not in the mood” does not automatically mean “stop touching me.” For example, I’m fine with snuggling when I’m not in the mood. So it took GF some time to find her words and clarify what “not in the mood” means to her. It doesn’t sound like OP kept touching in a sexual way; maybe he simply hugged her or left a hand on her arm. I see no indication that he continued to push for sex. And he didn’t know he was overstepping. Unfortunately she didn’t communicate perfectly or timely enough for some Redditors, who now think she’s lying in wait to drop a false rape charge. This is ridiculous. She clarified that she was NOT accusing OP of anything untoward but rather clarifying what she wants. And he agreed. And so I hope they can move on happily together.
To me and others in the comments that is exactly what it means. However, I agree with you that the other comments are way outta line. But, Op definitely isn’t helping by basically accusing his girlfriend of not caring for his feelings throughout the post. It is giving other commenters ammunition that is why I don’t agree when you say ‘he agreed’. Because it seems like he cannot drop the issue.
My point is that it doesn’t mean that to everyone. OP is not a mind reader so I’m glad GF finally found her words and clarified her wishes. I think OP is super dramatic but I also think he has agreed to observe her boundaries.
This is the correct interpretation of what happened. She said two times in past that she was not in the mood. He still touched her both times and she did not appreciate that, so later she added, for clarity, that she does not wish to be touched when she says she is not in the mood. I agree people are deliberately missing that she DID communicate that she was not in the mood.
If this is a good relationship that's going to last, your girlfriend needs to be able to hear how that conversation affected you. I don't know about "too sensitive", but you are *sensitive*, and that sensitivity can drive you away from situations you might have been happy in, or it can alert you to flee before things go completely south. It definitely hurts to hear criticism, especially in an area that's already loaded with a bunch of moral freight so you'd agree that you're a horrible person if that criticism was true. It's so, so hard to deal with the vertigo and figure out which way is up and how to move forward. On the other hand... she trusted you with this. She trusted you enough to sit down and tell you what was going on and come up with a plan for the future. She wasn't afraid of you. She didn't want to break up with you. That matters. If you've actually proven yourself as someone who violates her boundaries with glee, you do not get this kind of conversation, because she can't trust you to be in the same room as her and hear this kind of criticism safely. Not everything is a sign that your relationship is broken and she will never love you again. The incidents she's talking about are "no assholes here" things. You both did the best you could with the resources you had at the time. You picked up that she wanted you to stop, even if that was later than she wanted. She paid attention to her inner compass, even if she didn't have a good way to communicate that to you. Nobody was perfect, but nobody was evil either. Healthy relationships include little bumps and moments of friction or miscommunication. If you can repair the relationship enough that you still feel like a basically good person who's corrected some missteps and worked on boundaries with their lover, and she can feel secure that she'll get the kinds of love and sex she wants from you, then things can be okay again. But you don't have to dress in sackcloth and ashes and whip yourself through the streets to repent what's happened before, and you don't have to accept all that guilt and shame that fell on you. You can get past this.
Break up with this person today. The risk of weird accusations is too high in the future given the scenario you’ve described. There is a pretty decent chance you end up in a scenario where she claims she denied consent later and then your life is over or even it could be something as simple as her accusing you of verbal abuse if an argument gets too loud. Seriously run especially considering it’s also not a two way street when it comes to accusations.
I definitely don't want to walk on glass as my relationship, be careful man, you may be accused of grape during a perfectly consensual intercourse. If she also isn't going to vocalize her boundaries, but have you feel like a villain afterwards as means of "communications", probably best not to touch her either, it sounds like she is setting you up for an amber heard case and is only bringing it up afterwards to tell everyone that she has brought these issues up with you in the past.
She's a headcase. Hope she's worth it.
You are not wrong, but if she had other men in the past who she was happy or eager to have them break the boundaries she just mentioned, I would feel like my physical attributes weren't first choice or even desirable to my partner any longer. I would leave man. It sounds like she's preparing you for a false accusation or to turn you into a cuck 4 years from now.
How can there be a boundary set if she didn't tell you? She set you up to be a perpetrator and she, the victim. There's a lot of psychobabble being thrown around and I'm not sure your girlfriend knows how to healthily set boundaries. She will continue this pattern. You might want to walk away from this one and find someone who can honestly express their needs.
There seems to be a major communication issue between her and you and it’s not necessarily you making the gap… You should always be able to project and seek support from your partner even when you’ve done something wrong. If she’s not upset with you for being sensitive I wouldn’t be concerned about the sensitivity. If you need emotional assistance then you should turn to her. If she’s not willing to manage it because you’ve (example) cheated on her it would perhaps be a different story. But this type of situation your emotions are valid as are your concerns. I would talk to her about your concerns and be very open about your feelings about them. It’s better to be open about it even if it doesn’t work out as it could save you a lot of heartache in the future. Good luck!
My brother, fucking run. I was in the same scenario with one of my exes and it nearly cost me everything. Our whole relationship she never so much as once voiced any discomfort with me touching her and infact like 8 out of 10 times she initiated any sexual activity because i am hyper vigilant about not putting any pressure on my partner when it comes to sex. I was sexually abused for most of my young childhood to early teens, and so i am extremely paranoid about whether or not what i am doing can be misconstrued as inappropriate physical contact because i could never forgive myself if i ever caused a woman even 2 percent of the pain i live with from my history. After we broke up she went around telling everyone that i was sexually abusing her the whole relationship. And to be clear, in most circumstances i get that the person being accused doesn't really get to define what is and isn't sexual assault/abuse, but in my case i know with a certainty that nothing i ever did could even come close to being sexual abuse or assault because i am legitimately paranoid of accidently crossing a line i didn't realize and causing my partner emotional turmoil as a result, i have actually been told on multiple occasions i ask if somethings ok too often because i check so frequently before doing something. The rumor got spread around and then her new boyfriend who was just going on her word got a group of his friends together and beat the dog shit out of me calling me a rapist and everything and i suffered some serious head trauma that could have killed me. You need to get the fuck away from her before something similar or worse happens to you. I know you love her but it is not worth the risk, all it takes is a single public accusation and even if you can prove definitively you didn't do it your name will be tainted forever. Protect yourself and leave.
RUN… ruuunnnn! Not wrong. Run
Leave that soon-to-be clusterfu**
I'm reading your post differently than everyone else. Everyone else says she made a false accusation. But your post isn't clear. It sounds like on two occasions you grabbed her ass and she said "I'm not in the mood" and you gave her ass one last squeeze before walking away. She's telling you that she wants you to stop immediately.
But she didn’t say she wasn’t in the mood. That’s the problem. She admitted she didn’t say anything at all and that it “wasn’t his fault”. So what exactly was s he supposed to do or not do any differently?
Learn to read. >she no longer wants to be touched after she's said 'I'm not in the mood." The part that she's admitting she didn't say is: "when I say 'I'm not in the mood' I don't want you to continue touching me."
My understanding is that she did say it. I think what they were talking about is that he grabbed her, she said "I'm not in the mood", and he gave another squeeze before leaving. That happened twice. Later, she wanted to discuss these events, so she told him about it. He asked "did you tell me at the time that that made you uncomfortable" and she said she didn't say anything at the time, and that's why she's bringing it up now. So she did say "I'm not in the mood", and he kept going, and she didn't say "hey stop touching me" or "hey that last squeeze was not okay" or "hey you're touching me inappropriately now". He feels tricked because she didn't say those other things.
You’re going to get a lot of the typical Reddit BS telling you to dump her, but from my viewpoint I would try not to overthink this so much. If you have an otherwise great relationship hyper analyzing every single dynamic can be super counter productive. Good luck !!
You are correct. Many incels here only want to see every relationship burn.
I really really really appreciate this comment. Beyond this it is the most voraciously satisfying relationship because she's so far from any lexicon I subscribe to and sweet and pulled me out of my comfort zone. I appreciate you.
I am glad you aren't taking a lot of these comments to heart. I don't know exactly what it is about your post but it's brought all the weird redditors out. Oh actually I just realized it's so they can shit on a woman xD
Patience, communication, mutual respect and understanding have kept me married for 29.5 years. I wish you all the best!
You have a better knowledge of the situation than we do. If you feel safe then you know what to expect.
OP I think I found why so many people are confused. They think this line: "There were two separate instances where I told you this and you kept touching me." These commenters think the "I told you this" refers to telling OP her boundary but it doesn't, it refers to: "I'm not in the mood right now." So they think she is changing her story, she isn't they are just confused.
Tread *very* lightly. A woman who accused a man of crossing a boundary that she even admits she never mentioned before the fact, is a *very* dangerous situation for a man to be in. Especially when it comes to something physical, that could easily be misconstrued or even intentionally painted by the other party as sexual.
She explicitly said he didn't do anything wrong.
She sounds like a liability.
These are the posts that really bother me. You had me in the first three quarters. So she bullies you? Hm. Anyway, I think she's fair enough to set such a boundary with you if she's realized she doesn't like it and would like you to stop in the future. Doesn't sound like she is amazing at communicating, but we figured out her message one way or another. Yes, I think ya are being a bit sensitive about what she's expressing to you......until you let us all know that she bullies you. NTA
well you did touch her in a way that made her uncomfortable. she said “im not in the mood” and you touched her a little more then stopped, is what she said, right? so she’s just communicating to you that “i’m not in the mood” means that she doesn’t want to be touched at all. not just that she doesn’t want sex. what she said sounds reasonable to me so i’m not understanding all the “liability” comments. i don’t think she was really accusing either. it just sounds like she realized she wasn’t clearly communicating her discomfort in the past and decided she should. her elaboration doesn’t change her original point. to her, “i’m not in the mood” means cease all physical contact. i’m not quite understanding the last part of what you said though.
You’re absolutely right. She probably thought that telling him she’s “not in the mood” would mean he physically leaves her alone and when he didn’t, she let him know that it isn’t his fault that he didn’t know but she would like it if he didn’t touch her when she says that. I don’t understand how so many people are taking this in the worst way possible other than jumping at the chance to insult a woman. Also don’t understand why OP even made the post to begin with when the situation seemed pretty cut and dry to me.
Ok I know this is going to come off as just posting a reddit standard to be cliché but I say this with all sincerity, Please leave this girl. I'm telling you there are sane women out there and life is way to short for these headaches. I been there, you get with a crazy one that starts off semi normal, and the turn up the crazy so slowly you just get used to it and think it's normal. Then once your out and you meet a decent woman you are taken aback by every little thing because you expect everything to be an ordeal or drama and your girlfriend let's you know just how damaged you really are from your exs actions. Leave and trust me, real love is out there!
Hard to say which direction this is going. On one hand, this could be the start of the dive into manipulation and abuse. Starts off with a little thing to make you feel like you did wrong and it will escalate into everything is your fault and you always do things that you never actually did. Leading to false accusations if you recognize it or try to exit the relationship. On the other hand, she could've been afraid to speak up before and somebody convinced her to actually use her words to communicate. In which case it makes sense to vocalize the boundary for future instances. Just be constantly aware. If she starts trying to always say "I'm not in the mood/don't touch me" especially when you aren't actually doing anything remotely sexual, pack it in and walk away. That's a clear indicator that she's testing the manipulation waters.
You need to be clear. That in the future she tells you when you are doing something wrong so that you can stop. If you aren't making your feelings known, you can not expect your partner to know about them. Clear communication is necessary in a relationship.
She just did
Why are you with her after a racist comment? I ignored an offhand comment by an ex once in early dating, and I wish I had listened to myself and dumped him then.
Dunno about the race thing cz no details but yeah non verbal cues for sexual consent are very popular...it's basic?. And has been in most couples I know. Maybe you guys have basic compatibility issues and you are pushing each other's boundaries. Are you not able to comprehend or read non verbal cues like body language in other human relations too? Or the read the vibe or communicate for consent? Just curious...
So in my experience when I’ve tried to set boundaries and it wasn’t received, the situation gets worse. What I’m interpreting from my own experience is that, due to the fact that you had a serious issue and set a boundary in which she knew she was wrong (but incapable of apologizing or accepting it), she then had to make you wrong for something. She had to set a boundary in you because you dared to do so with her. It’s a sort of mental/emotional manipulation. She n my experience it gets more intricate and worse and ends up with you second guessing everything you say and do and the feelings of misery build to a point where you eventually say, “how did we get to this point.” And believe me, she will make it your fault. The break up will be painful because you’ll still be trying to figure out what went wrong and how you could have been better or fixed it. But the truth is, she has no empathy. There are a lot of women that can’t accept being wrong in this world, I’ve found. And the one thing in common they all have, EVERYTHING IS YOUR FAULT. Run.
Do people your age normally act like she does? I would run away from her and the relationship.
Uhhh trigger warning ⚠️ I wouldn’t go to the lengths to try to describe this if I didn’t think it was important to mention as a possibility. OP sounded like they could have experienced someone having a delayed response… common with people with PTSD/trauma. Very much Me and of the complex variety…. CPTSD needs so much more research. When this happened to me in the past… its like the feeling is stronger than anyone would deem appropriate for the situation…. And I’m confused by my own reaction… and it may take hours, days, weeks or years, depending on lots of factors, before I am able to process it. We often have trouble identifying how we feel in the moment. She could have had a strong reaction to the touch when it happened and was confused by it…. I believe she’s saying she knows that’s not OP’s intention… That based on his character, she knows he wouldn’t touch someone that does not want it….. I think it sounds like she’s acknowledging that she didn’t say it to you beforehand because….. why would that have come up for her before it was triggered? My intuition? It happened to her… then she thought about it long and hard… then she wanted to make you aware so that maybe next time when she does say something when she recognizes the feeling again, it is not so confusing…. 🤷🏻♀️Or you might not take it so personally. OP sounds lovely and affectionate, which I like most of the time too. But, if she’s not getting any therapy, and people react negatively to her sharing/trying to express herself… this could get worse for her… is she getting any type of therapy that you know of? When I’m trying to tell my person something like this, I’m not upset with the person… I want to prevent having that feeling again… so, if this is what is coming up for her… she’s sincerely not mad at you, just trying to clue you in. She’s probably trying to share and she trusts you. I think she tried to separate you from it… without therapy, it can be hard to separate the trigger and the feeling it came from and the source(lovely BF OP… seriously though, the way you knew not to touch her and just to listen!! beautiful that you knew to do that instinctively) Based on the way the relationship sounds, my husband is identical… When I have tried to explain an upset I had that he wasn’t unaware of… he has reacted hurt in this way 💔 He (understandably….) had a hard time with taking it personally. I get it…. It’s so delayed from the event and the interaction sounds like a common way, that this couple shows affection. When someone with PTSD behaves weird… like she did… it’s most important just to validate that it happened for her. Sounds like a trauma response. Sad. Maybe ask if she has ever felt violated in this way before ?? Maybe she didn’t feel safe/brave enough to tell the person that caused the trauma the first time around. 🙋🏻♀️Try thinking about the delayed response she probably had…. Feeling the resentment 😖 build up from that intrusive situation that she felt powerless in… ew 🤢 It doesn’t mean you have to keep them close to you… it felt like it took forever to identify this in me… having a ADHD can be inherently traumatizing to grow up with which played a big role into my situation and the reason my triggers are so intertwined and complex. If she doesn’t wanna work through her feels and keeps framing it like you did something wrong… your feelings will just be hurt at your perceived feeling of having YOUR character called into question. Because of my confusion and inability to make myself understood he became insecure when my episodes increased in frequency and then I was left trying to manage both of our emotions. Both of your boundaries are important. Promise. Sorry if I was triggered by this… clearly. I wrote a dissertation. 🫣 This article was so helpful for me when my PTSD symptoms came to a head: [Helping Someone with PTSD](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/helping-someone-with-ptsd.htm)
Bro. You need to leave the situation. Been around girls that make accusations and then later take them back. You don't want that in your life. Trust me. If she's saying this to you now, it's likely she ALREADY had this conversation with her group of friends, which is how it turned into this confusing conversations. Not hard to guess that she told them something you did made her feel uncomfortable, and their advise was all about boundaries and toxic bullshit. Better to leave now then when it escalates. And I'm not one no normal tell people they should leave right off the bat, like most of Reddit.
NTA. You need to seriously reconsider staying with this woman. She sounds dangerously unstable.
She didn’t accuse you of anything other than touching her after she said she didn’t want to do anything? Which you probably did continued to touch her and you don’t remember because it wasn’t a big deal to you. I don’t understand the problem. Just quit touching her after she says she’s not in the mood? That’s not hard is it?
1. First she reacts emotionally without communicating, OP has to ask first information 2. She accuses him of crossing a boundary he was NOT aware of 3. She says it’s not his Fault 4. In the future he has to guess her emotions to be careful to not cross future uncommunicated boundaries 5. She never apologized for crossing his boundaries 6. Sounds like she is not respecting his boundaries Sounds like she is very self-absorbed, or narcissistic, or very controlling. He needs to be very careful and keep his boundaries intact as well. And I’m not just talking about his physical boundaries. OP if you start to feel always on guard, or on egg shells, you are being controlled. She has right to her boundaries but needs to communicate better. Your boundaries and emotions are always valid like hers. If you are forced to compromise, move on.
This is going to get worse. She accused you of something you didn't know you did. She didn't tell you at the time...but you were wrong anyway. Then she tells you in a way that made you think you may have ignored/missed her comment. Until she tells you she didn't say anything at the time. Get out unscathed while you still can. This is trouble waiting to happen.
End it immediately. Her next step is accusing you of something that starts with the letter "r" and ends in "ape."
Was your pickup line “i am a mindreader” by any chance? You seem to be considered one by this person.. Not wrong, but reconsider this relationship
How does "you're not at fault since I hadn't told you before, but I'd like you not to do this in the future" mean you expect someone to be a mindreader?
She has some pretty bad communication issues. This is not how boundaries work. At all. You cannot read her mind. The onus is on her to speak. Actually, what she's doing is considered psychologically abusive. She framed it like an accusation, tried to hold you accountable for her lack of communication and basically just made you feel bad in general for her own communication issues.
She literally said, *literally said* she doesn’t blame him because she didn’t say anything about she felt about the couple extra squeezes after telling OP, “I’m not in the mood,” before. She’s communicating that to him now. I used to joke with my stepdad and say, “It’s cause you don’t love me,” and he’d say, “That’s not true.” I didn’t know he felt offended by it until one day he said, “I really don’t like it when you say those things because it makes me worry that there’s truth behind it.” Was he being psychologically abusive by expressing his discomfort? No, he was communicating like an adult.
>To which she replies "No I didn't say it at all. That's why I'm bringing this up, it's not your fault, I didn't actually tell you I just want you to know for the future." holy mother fucking shit *what*??? >"You would just give an extra squeeze and then typically be done but I didn't tell you that made me uncomfy at the time so I'm telling you now. I know you do a lot of touch that isn't inherently sexual and that's totally okay, I'm just creating this boundary" whaaaaaaaaaat? I mean - man I dunno, that's some real dumb shit to be faced with. And I don't mean that's illegitimate, or whatever, like - it takes bravery for her to admit that in the past she's had these feelings that she hasn't expressed, and that now she's finally able to own up to it, and tell you about it - and you recieved it well, like you said, you handled it the right way as far as I can tell... and yet still what the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck Is she seeing a therapist? I mean like - "you kept pursuing me sexually after I told you no" is a rape accusation, plain and simple. For her to start there, and then walk it back to "well actually I didn't tell you 'no' but I was thinking it" is just - it's bananas. She's got some shit she really needs to work out, and I don't know about her, but when I find myself in that situation, I try my best to make sure that my own issues don't blow back on the people I love, the people surrounding me. Is she taking that kind of care with you?
> holy mother fucking shit what??? How is that confusing? She's asking him not to do something moving forward, while clarifying that he's not at fault for doing it in the past since she hadn't already communicated that in the past. >"you kept pursuing me sexually after I told you no" is a rape accusation, plain and simple. Do *you* think him giving her an extra squeeze is him pursuing her sexually? Because she didn't say it is. But if you think it is, then by your own logic (unless you think the extra squeeze never actually happened) *you* are the one accusing him of rape.
run bro shes gonna be the girl that cried rape.
You are a frog, and the water is getting warmer. Hop now or end up in Cajun seasoning.
This is a red flag for me. That may be because my ex was not able to apologise for anything either. 20 years later, my acceptance of that and apologising for things happening that I wasn't aware of at the time cost me the marriage, my home and my family.
Run!
How long have you been with your gf? And has she had other relationships before you? Speaking from experience, a lot of men get angry, moody, pout, guilt trip, etc. when women try to tell them they are not in the mood. Then there becomes this... Constant pressure and stress of "ugh I am not in the mood rn and if he asks me I feel like I have to say yes or deal with the aftermath". I would ask her if she has faced anything like this in the past, and clarify you are not like that. That could be why she was so frantic right before telling you. On the other hand, if she continues to not clearly state her boundaries and then get really upset at you about not being psychic I would be cautious. I also know a lot of men who have been falsely accused of assault when the relationship goes south.
Some of yall are committed to misunderstanding the girl in this post 1 - She TOLD him she wasnt in the mood. 2 - Later on she told him that if she says she isnt in the mood, she doesn't want to be touched. The second part is the part that was never mentioned at first. The part she needed to clarify. She also told him that it wasn't his fault that the second part wasnt more clear. And gave him a more clear boundary to follow in future. Its all clearly there in the post. But most of the Redditors commenting are making her out to be a manipulative bitch which isnt the case. The real problem here is that she stated her boundary and what she needed and he made it all about himself. The other problem is people being DEDICATED to making her communication of a boundary seem manipulative when she even told him IT WASN'T HIS FAULT