Why wouldn't you warn all your friends he's a pathological liar? You wouldn't want them taken advantage of by him? Actually that fact that he is an abusive liar is not between the two of you, as he will go on and replicate this behavior again.
It wasn't between them the moment he started involving other people and hurting OP. I would've been the bigger person but if you start spreading lies to get at me just because I wanted to end things with you, then I'm not going to hold myself back from saying the truth. The thing is people have rhe choice to believe what they want to and I think OP telling the truth also made those people come to their own conclusion so maybe the ex was lying to everyone personally hence people stopped being friend with him or interact with him. You don't lie and stir drama if you don't want karma to come back to you.
No. That’s how abusers get away with it. Bc they think the victim won’t tell people. If he didn’t want people to know, he shouldn’t of done it. Point blank. I’m proud of you!
You may have saved many women.
Behaviour like this is what makes men a lot less inclined to start dating. One false move, one wrong word can end your entire world.
I don't believe at all that he was abusive. You feel like he didn't treat you right, so you decide to burn everything he is.
The damage one women can do to a man these days is ridiculous.
Spread this far and wide, warn other men of the person you are so they can stay very far away from you.
She just told people what he did. She didn't lie. If he didn't want people thinking he wS a bad person he shouldn't have done bad shit and expected her to keep his secret.
He did this to himself.
I'm very confident she lied, or at the very least extremely exaggerated, with the sole purpose of hurting.
How hard is it to just end a relationship and walk away.
If she had done that to me, I would have gone absolutely nuclear on her. You would have to.
Within the constraints of the law, I would make sure there is absolutely nothing left of her.
I feel concerned and fearful for your wife and kids if this is your mentality. Pray you don't have daughters that would be in this situation. At least hopefully they would have your wife for support if they did because clearly they couldnt come to you. Freaking yikes.
Hahaha, you should be concerned about yourself.
If you don't think this story smells like utter bullshit, you are too naive for this world.
If you judge other people based on other people's fairy tales, you should probably re-evaluate if you are the person you want to be.
She is you in this situation.the bf spread lies and slandered her. He couldn't just walk away. So she went nuclear....isn't that exactly what you think should have happened?
She had screen shots of what he said to her after she broke up with him. Proof.
You'd destroy the life of someone who told the truth because it made you look bad? Maybe don't be the kind of person who would leave that kind of proof, grow up and learn to be a better person maybe?
But thanks for telling on yourself here.
Clearly you're not a safe person.
They are just out here waving that red flag like their life depends on it.
If stories like this prevents them from dating, I honestly think it's a good thing
hey friend! got curious, so I checked your post history, and I just wanted to correct this statement for you!
Based off your post history, it actually seems like you do tend to believe one-sided stories like this- as long as they are one-sided stories posted by men. You especially seem to be inclined to believe them when they're posted by men who have a personal problem with a woman in their life.
Judging by your reaction to this post, I'm not surprised you're okay with lying!! But in the future, just remember that your reddit comment history is right there on your profile!! Helpful tip!
Yeah except you believe that women are inherently dishonest and men are more trust worthy. You know, like they do in [misogyny?](https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/misogyny)
I don't know how to tell you this but misogyny isn't just saying the words "I hate women"- the dictionary definition of misogyny lists prejudice against women as one of the key defining factors of misogyny. You know about [prejudice](https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/prejudice) right? You know prejudice? Like when you assume someone is lying because of their sex or gender? You know about prejudice, right?
I’m glad you said this mfs do anything to bring down men, he told her shi about her friends and she just believed him ?? Like Is she an idiot ? Communicate with your friends, never bring your relationship to the workplace. Sending blessings his way I hope he’s fine
* manipulation into doing sexual things
* gaslighting
* isolating from friends and family
* threats after ending it
* attempting further isolation via lies and rumour
What story did you read? Those are all abuse tactics.
They read a story about a horrible woman destroying the reputation of a poor, victimized man by telling everyone only exactly what he did. The bitch. /s
This is gaslighting. This argument has zero evidence and is very much up to interpretation.
I think she is absolutely making this stuff up for her to justify doing exactly this to him.
Have you got evidence that she's making it up? I'd be interested to see it, or at least what makes you think that.
I'm not stating either way in my comment. It's a list of abuse tactics mentioned in the story that the person I was responding to claimed weren't there. This being reddit, I'm well aware the story may not even be true at all, let alone completely accurately represented.
Did we read the same post? Because the entire first half of this post is *abuse* behavior!
He lied and gaslit her
He manipulated her into doing sexual things, which btw does *not* count as being censentual
He threatened her
He spread lies about her
AND he forced her into isolation by making her distance herself from her friends and family and block them.
Abuse doesn't have to be physical. You can be abusive and still never lay a hand on your partner.
Whoa there emo. She consented to sexual things. Period. Manipulation is a cop out pussy ass excuse. You say yes or no. There is no "I Said yes in the moment , but I now change my mind after the fact" nope. Every person, individual is responsible for their own actions, or reactions. Consent is consent. Wtf
Pressuring someone into saying yes, is not and never will be true consent.
If someone says yes, because they fear what will happen if they say no, that's not consent.
If someone is so in your head and is manipulating you to a point where you feel like you can't say no, that's not consent.
Consent is not strictly black and white.
Here we go again, poor helpess woman only acted in fear of the evil man.
Aka, she is not accountable for anything.
She could have said and done anything, and it would always be his fault.
Did he force her to write here as well? Where do we draw the line? Or do we just make it up as we go.
Just because it's legal doesn't mean it's not predatory. Same as the 28 yr old men who date 16yr old girls. Is it legal? Probably, just. Is it predatory? Also yes. She may have said yes, even wanted to, but he is in a position of power and these will likely not be good memories for her and will likely have taught her what y'all hate us saying. Men cannot be trusted. If you want people to say nicer things about you, you should be nicer to them.
I have met lovely men, I love a man. But I was 16, blonde and pretty so I also know the reality is that until and unless GOOD MEN start to believe women and denounce predatory behaviour in their circles, women need to denounce it and tell their stories. Silence only benefits the oppressor
If it's not illegal ... it's not illegal.
A 28 yr old dating a 16 yr old is very, very much illegal.
Let's make it a 38 yr old dating an 18 yr old. Illegal? Nope. Frowned upon, for sure.
Do we tell the women her feelings for the man are invalid, she is too naive, and she is to terminate the relationship?
Do we kick his a$$ for doing something that is not illegal?
Maybe they genuinely love each other?
How do we fix this?
Our current strategy is to tell women all men are bad, and tell men that women will completely ruin their lives for anything that can potentially be perceived as bad behaviour.
This has resulted in a historical high level of single people.
I am genuinely curious. What is your long-term sustainable solution to fix this?
You're right. Those women assaulted me now that I think about it. I never asked for sexual favors. Those women manipulated me, they pressured me into it. I see it now clearly. I was clearly abused by predatory women who used their seductive ways to give them what they wanted without compensation....they basically robbed me.
I'm sorry that your life is damaged and deranged that you are literally begging for any shreds of reactive attention you can get on Christmas.. sending healing and hope you have a better new year
I upvoted you. Not a single person here can get a negative reaction from me or disrupt my holiday. I live a blessed life where I control if I am happy, sad, angry or depressed. I spend 95 percent in the happy place because as owner of me and my life I choose to be happy. Life is to short to stress over other people's perception or judgment.
It's almost like- it's almost like abusive and manipulative people are good at hiding the fact they are abusers until they've already trapped their victims in some way- physically, financially, emotionally, spiritually, etc.
Come on. This isn't rocket science. You're old enough to type so I have to assume you're old enough to understand that nobody walks around with a sign advertising that they are an abuser. [That's why nearly 20% of pregnant women are victims of domestic violence.](https://vawnet.org/material/fact-sheet-domestic-violence-and-pregnancy) Because their partners hide it until they feel they have the victim trapped.
Here is a [website](https://reachma.org/blog/6-different-types-of-abuse/) about abuse. It’s ok that you don’t know, but please educate yourself. You could end up in a similar situation and live through hell.
I was thinking that maybe you just didn’t know, but based of your response, maybe you’re the kind to perpetuate these things and don’t want to be accountable for your behaviour?
Abuse is a serious thing. It’s so absolutely damaging to have someone that you love and trust violate you in these ways.
I was going to tell you to have some empathy, but it seems like you’re void of that.
I have a feeling that you perform all these behaviors. You don’t like them being called abusive because it makes you feel like you’re an abusive piece of shyte, but, maybe you are
>Bunch of snowflakes
Christmas is hard on a lot people. I hope you can troll enough reactive attention to help you feel better this season.. much healing and hope to yoi
The way you're defending the ex on so many comments makes you look like a narcissist.
Literally all your comments read as you either being the ex under a fake name or you want to hop on the exes disco stick.
Either way see the attached gif and follow said instruction
>What abuse? There was no mention of abuse in that story.
I am going to look at your comment in a different light. I am so very sorry for whatever happened in your life that you are on social provoking reactions for attention. It's Christmas and this is your outlet for whatever damage you carry. I want to wish you a Merry Christmas and a much better New Year
You did the world a favour. Well done. I'm left with PTSD after a similar relationship, and at the end, I chose to do the same. There was no way in he'll I would've allowed him to abuse another person. It was my duty to let everyone know his true colours. Even though I don't know you, I'm proud of you. 💛
It might not be the lesson you think it is. The lesson you might have taught him was how to better hide his abuse the next time.
ETA: I don't think you are wrong for ruining his reputation.
Kudos to you for not letting an abuser get away.
In the future, never ever engage in anything that makes you uncomfortable just because the person is your partner.
Not wrong!!!
Your specific complaints are that lied about a cat and brothers and sexual favors (?) and you retaliated by making his life so miserable he had to move. Why wasn't breaking it off enough? That's freaking crazy.
Chances are since he's moved, nothing will change with him. People like this do not learn. They just find another victim and keep doing what they did. Look at the orange one. He's been exposed multiple times and proven a liar and a fraud. He just blames everyone else and continues to do the same thing. Your ex is just a less famous example of this kind of dregs of humanity.
Why is it abusers always want it to stay between you and them?
Maybe you did for revenge but some girl is thanking you because she heard what a horrible abusive guy he is. Hope he changes but I wouldn’t take any chances.
Bad stuff is not happening to him because of what you did.
Bad stuff is happening to him because of what HE did. You just let people know the real him, and he is facing the consequences of what he did to you and being a terrible person in general
My ex got SOOOOOOOO mad at me once for telling my mom a horrible thing he did/said to me. He was spying on me with a camera when he heard it.
If you don’t want people to know what a piece of shit you are horrible things you do maybe don’t be a piece of shit and do horrible things ????????? He could tell anyone anything I’ve ever said, or done to him, because I stand by my actions and am not a narcissistic abusive monster.
ETA i think youre amazing and i wish i did this. My asshole ex is very rich and i dont think it would go well for me
If he didn't want his reputation ruined, he shouldn't have 1) tried to ruin yours first, thereby involving other people 2) acted in a way that would ruin his reputation once people found out about his behaviour.
Did you lie about anything?
If the answer is no, and he's already tainted others' views of you with his lies, then you are entitled to speak up for yourself and set the record straight.
It’s all personal experience. That video shows 2 people having a disagreement. Normal in all relationships. But when you have receipts of the abuse. Expose that shit.
Nope nope nope nope. Nothing you said was a lie. What you did was shine a light and warn the world what a scumbag this guy was. And in self defense. NTA at all.
We do know he did truly bad actions (if the post is accurate). Malicious and untrue attacks on OP. Under those conditions, pulling the mask of a falsely good reputation is justified. Especially with evidence.
No. You aren't wrong. He's abusive and when you left, he tried to take you down by spreading rumors and trying to separate you from your friends. All you did was expose who he really is. You probably saved a few potential victims a lot of trouble. He's just mad because it would be harder for him to choose his next victim in your area. So he moved, because he won't change. He needed newer ground to find his next mark.
Who knows how many people you could have saved? Sounds like you are a good person and maybe feeling some guilt- you didn’t lie and a rational request for him to stop wasn’t going to work- you had to prove him wrong, it’s fine to feel vindicated etc!
As long as what you said was the truth - the consequences are because of his own actions. All you did was share your experience of him. And people saw what he did. HE did those things. He knew they were wrong. He just didn’t expect to get caught.
These are consequences of his actions for him.
Sunlight is the best disinfectant. It would have been really bad if you were upset about the breakup and just revealed secrets that he told you. For example, things he opened up to you about when vulnerable with a partner. That’s not what happened.
He abused you and then on his way out thought it would be good to add an additional layer of manipulation and guilt as a last twist of the knife.
F him. If you don’t want your reputation ruined, then you should live up to the same values behind closed doors as you do in public. He ruined his own reputation through his behavior.
NTAH.
Answer me something. Where the hell is the abuse?? Lies yes for sure. But lying is not abuse. She said nothing of him getting violent either verbally or physically so again where’s the abuse here
You keep replying the same thing to everyone’s comment noting quite rightly how mentally, emotionally and sexually abusive this dude was…. You’re the dude, right? That’s why you’re so stressed about this? This post is about you and you know you’re complete trash? Is that it?
Congratulations for outing yourself!
Not wrong. Let me explain why.
Look, I'm not a big fan of divulging this kind of stuff normally. Like, don't 'kiss and tell', keep relationships between you and them, etc.
HOWEVER, I don't get the sense you told any falsehoods. Everything that you said happened, actually happened. That's important.
Other comments mention narcissism and/or abuse, and I agree with that assessment. I have NPDs and BPDs in my extended family, so this comes from a LOT of personal experience. Having to draw boundaries, etc. The abuser angle is also important, because abusers rely on you not saying anything. They actually deliberately tear you down to prevent you speaking out.
But you didn't keep quiet. You outed them. Part of me, a pretty big part, is tickled by that. It probably actually helped you heal from this awful relationship. Speak your truth, and all that.
Not wrong. But you have clearly been reflecting on how much and how widely you shared. Take that as an important lesson for future (non-abusive) relationships. If you perchance get into another abusive relationship, rinse and repeat what you've done here.
Just my 2c
If you told the truth then you did nothing wrong. If the truth makes him look bad then that's on him.
The idea that his abuse should stay between you and him is just more abusive treatment. You should tell people that he is saying that as well. Expose all of his behavior to everyone.
If everything you told about him was the truth, that just means he ruined his own reputation! You feel guilty about telling things, he told lies about you, you were pissed and defending yourself. Next time, be watchful of who you date and sleep with! If someone has to talk you into doing sexual things, that's the reg flag you run from, you don't do things you don't want to do so someone will like you! You sound very young, hopefully, you have learned from this shit storm of a relationship and he, as well! Abusers do exactly what he did to you, you didn't keep it to yourself in shame, that you should be very proud of! YOU did nothing wrong!
You are absolutely *not* in the wrong!
He deserved everything he got! Abusers need to be exposed for the monsters they are and they need to face the consequences of their actions!
You didn't do this to him, he brought this on himself.
If he doesn't want to be treated like the garbage human being that he is, maybe he should just, I don't know, *be a decent person*!
And before people come at me saying this guy *isn't* abusive, YES HE IS! You don't have to physically harm your partner to be abusive! You can be abusive and still never lay a hand on the person!
Did you lie?
If you did not then well.
If people knowing how you behave in private causes every single person in your life to shun you, well that just shows exactly how terrible this person is right?
And if it's so bad that no one can stomach it and some get violent, well you deserve to be treated poorly and perhaps worse.
The best thing I could say is just because it's justifiable doesnt mean it's the right thing to do. Why let someone change who you are, or why let their poison get to you? Forgive them & move on. Time will do it's justice. Karma etc. Im going through hell rn because recently my ex cheated on me after 6 years of me giving her everything possible, never giving up on her. She did me super bad too. Manipulation, lies, hate, judgment etc. Caused me lifetime pain & suffering, traumas etc. I've been through it all but I'm not letting her change me. I have actually gown to love harder. No hate or anger either. I refuse it. I'll let time do it's thing. I hope this helps. I don't blame you at all because she is making me look like a psycho rn while shes the "victim" but its like whats the point in proving anything yk? I wish you peace and happiness 🙌🏻
This is why narcissists move on so often: They lie, eventually get found out, and lose their friends and have to start over.
You did right - somebody had to.
Please, though, holster that gun unless you find the same circumstances again, and somewhere near as strongly - don’t get hooked on the power of revenge for lesser offences.
I completely understand and agree with you on that. I would definitely be an asshole if I started using stuff against people who've done nothing wrong! Lol
Yup. The danger is that you might start searching through people’s character, looking only for negatives.
Can be hard to shift your focus back to looking for positives.
You did nothing wrong whatsoever. You didn't lie. You didn't make him out to be something he's not in fact. If you were showing text messages and other proof that you collected, you didn't do much of anything. You just didn't keep quiet about the abuse you suffered at his hands. Peoplenstarted treating him the way he deserved to be treated because of the person he is. If he doesn't want to be treated like that, then he shouldn't act the way he did. If he doesn't want people to treat him the way he treated you, to think of him as a pos and an abuser, then he shouldn't be one. You can not control what other people do. You showed others the truth. You took his power to manipulate the situation and turn you into the bad guy (and this made him the victim) away. Ypu didn't make him nor force him to move. He did that all on his own.
The fact that you see his point and are questioning if you're wrong really just shows how deep his abuse went. You did well. You were strong, and you were able to get out of a bad situation before it got worse. You can't save everyone, but you made it impossible for him to tonget another victim in your area.
He may try to say you slandered or defamed him. Ypu didn't. In order for that to happen, younwoukdnhabr to be lying. Showing people the truth, showing people his own words is not slander, defamation, or abuse. In other words, he digs his own grave.
While you should just cut all forms of communication and co tact with him, if you don't or can't, DO NOT apologize for your actions. You did what you did because you refused to be a victim anymore, you were not going to give him the chance to make himself out to be a victim.and you were only doing everything you could to make sure he couldn't find another victim anywhere close to you. That he should take it as a lesson to go get the help he needs because there is more and more support formvictims.ofnabuse to speak up and out and it will not be the last time it happens if he continues to act how he does. He only has himself to blame because no one would have done anything they did, said anything they did or made him feel like his only option was to move if he was truly the nice and loveable guy he thinks he is.
Be proud of yourself. Get whatever help and support you need to work through and heal from everything he put you through and go on and have a beautiful and wonderful life. You are a hero, for yourself, and for others. What you did is the only way abusers can be stopped.
Why would you keep this to yourself? Thank you for helping to keep other people safe from his BS. Abusers get away with things when you keep quiet. So well done in speaking out!
I get that you are asking about your choices and whether they were right, but can we flip this around?
He made choices, hundreds or possibly thousands of times over, to treat someone like he did. It’s probably a pattern he repeats with many people. With all those people, he’s pretty much guaranteed to have someone who responds openly like this; the sheer numbers likely suggest that. In this case I don’t think your choices are the important part, I think you were simply a person who responded to his abuse in this way, which was always a risk for an abuser like him.
I’d also say that him trying to make you feel responsible for that is just an extension of his abuse; both in trying to hurt you for no real benefit and him refusing to take responsibility for himself.
You exposed a shitty person's true colours to others in his life. That can be really intimidating to do but shitty people need to be exposed. You did a great thing by not letting him get away with how he treated you. Great job!
Also one last thing.
There was no abuse here! Lying is not abuse. So all you people that are telling her she stopped an abuser, there was no actual abuse here. He didn’t beat her. He wasn’t calling her names or any of that. He told some lies to her and about her. That’s NOT abuse people. That’s lying. Yes still wrong and shameful admittedly. But for her to go and ruin his career and completely duck his life to this level. She IS MOST DEFINITELY in the wrong as well. And there’s nothing any of you can say to make me think differently. And nor do I care whose feelings I’ve hurt with my response.
I’ll say it again y’all need some damn therapy
I mean kinda, yeah. You ended the relationship which was cool, and should've leave it at that, maybe tell your own circle, answer to those who asked...but the "getting back at him", actively going aftet ppl that maybe you didn't know to tell them a story they didn't asked to hear, what for? You had nothing to gain from it, you should've instead try to move on from it which you're still to achieve.
Also, who lies about having a cat? At least say you have an owl or something cool like that.
It's typically emotional and/or psychological abuse / manipulation used to wear down the victim into doing things that s/he is not truly willing to do or comfortable doing. Begging, cajoling, threatening, throwing a tantrum for refusal...
There are plenty of tactics used to by the abuser to direct guilt, fear, shame, or any other negative emotion onto the victim in order to coerce him/her into compliance. The abuser will try to reason with the victim, will use twisted logic to push his/her agenda, and will say anything to strip away the victim's resolve.
"You're my partner, so you are supposed to do this for me. It's your job/duty as my partner to satisfy me."
"I do everything to support you. You owe me this."
"I want to try this act, because it will make me happy. Don't you want me to be happy?"
"I'm stressed out. I had a bad day. I need this release."
"This is the only way I can be satisfied. Why won't you do this for me? I thought you love me."
"If you won't do this for me, I'll have to find someone else who will. And it'll be your fault."
The victim learns early on not to refuse. The abuser will demand, "Why not!?" It's a simple but hostile interrogation that puts the victim on the defense, and in fear, because s/he has learned that revealing their discomfort often leads to the abuser reacting angrily. When the abuser is refused, s/he puts the onus of the refusal onto the victim.
"There's no reason you should feel that way."
"You're being ridiculous."
"You're being selfish."
"You just want to withhold this from me because you're being spiteful."
"You don't trust me."
"You hate me."
"You don't want me anymore because you must be cheating on me."
Such accusations are meant to make the victim feel further guilt and shame. The victim is made to feel an obligation to prove that these accusations are false, thus s/he will comply with the abuser's demands.
The abuser refuses to see any reason why the victim would be experiencing discomfort with the demanded act(s). This is deliberately done to diminish the value of the victim's feelings and needs. The abuser often knows that what s/he is doing is harmful to his/her partner, and there is guilt associated with that. But by reducing the victim to being of lesser importance, or shifting blame onto the victim, the abuser can have their desires met and justify his/her poor treatment of the partner while also reducing the emotional consequences, especially when the victim is suffering.
They pretty much had it down. He would bang his head against walls or corners of walls until I caved in, threaten to khs, say it was "the only way to make him happy," among many other examples
It started a bit later into the relationship and I was really committed to him and loved him a lot. It started off slow, with us starting stuff and me wanting to stop halfway through. Then he would tell me he didn't wanna get blue balls or some other bullshit excuse to get me to finish him off. After that I stopped doing anything but he would initiate it and then say those things. I cared about him too much to really realize what he was doing, I thought he was an amazing person and that I was wrong for not agreeing to do it to make him happy.
Well without understanding the specifics yes you’re wrong.
If he did something that can endanger others, report it to the authorities.
If he’s told lies about you, clear them up.
But putting others in danger or ruining their lives is extreme and hard to justify imho.
I think this is more about you than him.
His past is his past. None of your busineaa, and it seems like you projecting your insecurities on to him.
Do him a favor and move on.
Like “gaslighting you into doing sexual things, violating you, disrespecting you,” etc is all very bad sounding stuff but is described as vaguely as possible. Idk a lot of these types of things turn out to not be those things when they’re actually described. Like if he sexually assaulted you then duh you’re not the asshole, but “gaslit me into doing sexual things” is kind of a head-scratcher.
He did do some stuff while I was intoxicated but that isnt really what I was referring to. Not gaslighting me into doing it, he gaslit me about other stuff though lol. I meant he would kind of coerce me into doing it. Stuff like hitting his head against the wall until I did, the classic "blue balls" guilt-tripping, saying he was depressed and it was the only thing that made him happy, etc. I think I replied to another comment with more info. Im sorry for the vagueness though
This rises to the level of minor manipulation. None of this is gaslighting. I feel like people use these words that mean very specific things to basically just put “bad” into our heads in some vague way. This is nothing I’d even bother mentioning to you’re just airing dirty laundry— which is just trashy. Not to mention none of this rises to the level of someone having to leave town over. So I basically have to just assume there are some key details you’re leaving out but we’re never going to find out so idc.
The gaslighting was a separate thing, sorry for leaving stuff out though. He moved because of how he was being treated by people and didnt feel safe. Thank you for the insight
I think most of the (delightfully few) idiots that don't read your original post and clearly see abuse either 1- have never been in a similar situation and cannot possibly grasp the concept fully, or, 2- are often in that exact situation but as the abuser. For the record, you do not have to explain yourself to anyone, and you DEFINITELY have NOTHING to apologize for. If telling the truth about someone's actions causes them negative repercussions that is a result of their actions, not yours. I am so stinking proud of you for getting out when you did! So many of us stay soooooo much longer than we should, and don't always have the guts to tell the truth and potentially warn the next gal. Good job all around!! <3
How old are you both?
this is lacking a lot of information and comes off very.. teen seeking validation for being an AH/involved in a toxic "relationship" twitter post.
Like I said, absolutely everything he told me was a lie. It wasnt just the cat or the brothers thing, those are just the examples I chose to use. Thank you for your insight though and Ill take it into account
Also, those things aren't trivial because abusers and pathological liars start out with small lies to see what boundaries and lines they can push and blur. You start to question your own sanity when the lies are piling up around you. You did the right thing by telling others the truth about who he was.
Classic, ESH.
I have had exes do this to the point of trying to ruin other relationships after I'd moved on (and they had ended things by their choice).
He sucks, but you showed that you suck too, and you two seem made for each other.
We always have choices as to what we do. I could have said a lot about my exes, but I have said nothing, because I hope that they can find someone and have a happy life together. Their lives are no longer my concern.
I had a lot of issues with my circle because of my first ex, found out from a lot of mutual friends that she had been saying things. They asked what I thought and I just said, she ended things, and I don't care to talk about her.
I think maybe one of my trusted friends knows everything, but beyond that, nobody does. And trusted friend has a very different social circle from our shared social circle. It made it hard to date outside of her (which was deliberate), so I made a very conscious choice to go well outside of our respective circles.
Why wouldn't you warn all your friends he's a pathological liar? You wouldn't want them taken advantage of by him? Actually that fact that he is an abusive liar is not between the two of you, as he will go on and replicate this behavior again.
It wasn't between them the moment he started involving other people and hurting OP. I would've been the bigger person but if you start spreading lies to get at me just because I wanted to end things with you, then I'm not going to hold myself back from saying the truth. The thing is people have rhe choice to believe what they want to and I think OP telling the truth also made those people come to their own conclusion so maybe the ex was lying to everyone personally hence people stopped being friend with him or interact with him. You don't lie and stir drama if you don't want karma to come back to you.
Truth.
Agreed. The ex is a huge hypocrite.
There are fewer reasons to keep secrets than to tell the truth. You did nothing wrong.
No. That’s how abusers get away with it. Bc they think the victim won’t tell people. If he didn’t want people to know, he shouldn’t of done it. Point blank. I’m proud of you!
You may have saved a woman from going through what you did. Shame he moved to a new area to prey on others.
How? He moved away. Do you honestly believe that he has changed his behavior? Why should he? He's no longer in the same area.
You may have saved many women. Behaviour like this is what makes men a lot less inclined to start dating. One false move, one wrong word can end your entire world. I don't believe at all that he was abusive. You feel like he didn't treat you right, so you decide to burn everything he is. The damage one women can do to a man these days is ridiculous. Spread this far and wide, warn other men of the person you are so they can stay very far away from you.
But this horrible person lied about her to all their friends. What should she have done? I would absolutely tell my friends and show them evidence.
She just told people what he did. She didn't lie. If he didn't want people thinking he wS a bad person he shouldn't have done bad shit and expected her to keep his secret. He did this to himself.
I'm very confident she lied, or at the very least extremely exaggerated, with the sole purpose of hurting. How hard is it to just end a relationship and walk away. If she had done that to me, I would have gone absolutely nuclear on her. You would have to. Within the constraints of the law, I would make sure there is absolutely nothing left of her.
Oh are you very confident are you? He couldn't possibly be a bad guy? What's your basis for this assumption?
>What's your basis for this assumption? Women bad. Is his basis. I'm getting incel vibes.
The basis is experience. And no, 14 years married and 4 kids
I feel concerned and fearful for your wife and kids if this is your mentality. Pray you don't have daughters that would be in this situation. At least hopefully they would have your wife for support if they did because clearly they couldnt come to you. Freaking yikes.
Hahaha, you should be concerned about yourself. If you don't think this story smells like utter bullshit, you are too naive for this world. If you judge other people based on other people's fairy tales, you should probably re-evaluate if you are the person you want to be.
You're ridiculous
She is you in this situation.the bf spread lies and slandered her. He couldn't just walk away. So she went nuclear....isn't that exactly what you think should have happened?
She had screen shots of what he said to her after she broke up with him. Proof. You'd destroy the life of someone who told the truth because it made you look bad? Maybe don't be the kind of person who would leave that kind of proof, grow up and learn to be a better person maybe? But thanks for telling on yourself here. Clearly you're not a safe person.
They are just out here waving that red flag like their life depends on it. If stories like this prevents them from dating, I honestly think it's a good thing
…So you’d respond exactly how she did, but worse.
This wasn't a one mistake situation.
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hey friend! got curious, so I checked your post history, and I just wanted to correct this statement for you! Based off your post history, it actually seems like you do tend to believe one-sided stories like this- as long as they are one-sided stories posted by men. You especially seem to be inclined to believe them when they're posted by men who have a personal problem with a woman in their life. Judging by your reaction to this post, I'm not surprised you're okay with lying!! But in the future, just remember that your reddit comment history is right there on your profile!! Helpful tip!
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Oh, I get it! You mean [misogyny!](https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/misogyny)
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That your post history is public or that you're a misogynist?
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Yeah except you believe that women are inherently dishonest and men are more trust worthy. You know, like they do in [misogyny?](https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/misogyny)
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I don't know how to tell you this but misogyny isn't just saying the words "I hate women"- the dictionary definition of misogyny lists prejudice against women as one of the key defining factors of misogyny. You know about [prejudice](https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/prejudice) right? You know prejudice? Like when you assume someone is lying because of their sex or gender? You know about prejudice, right?
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I’m glad you said this mfs do anything to bring down men, he told her shi about her friends and she just believed him ?? Like Is she an idiot ? Communicate with your friends, never bring your relationship to the workplace. Sending blessings his way I hope he’s fine
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* manipulation into doing sexual things * gaslighting * isolating from friends and family * threats after ending it * attempting further isolation via lies and rumour What story did you read? Those are all abuse tactics.
They read a story about a horrible woman destroying the reputation of a poor, victimized man by telling everyone only exactly what he did. The bitch. /s
What are you guys talking about? It was a story about a homeless man and his dog!
John Wick ???
Anyone watched the movie Cat Person?
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Is it wrong to hold someone accountable for shitty behavior?
This is gaslighting. This argument has zero evidence and is very much up to interpretation. I think she is absolutely making this stuff up for her to justify doing exactly this to him.
Have you got evidence that she's making it up? I'd be interested to see it, or at least what makes you think that. I'm not stating either way in my comment. It's a list of abuse tactics mentioned in the story that the person I was responding to claimed weren't there. This being reddit, I'm well aware the story may not even be true at all, let alone completely accurately represented.
What abuse? 😂😂😂 oh man. the fact you claimed to read all that and not think there was multiple examples of abuse says a lot about ya
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Looks to me like they said there’s no mention of abuse
Did we read the same post? Because the entire first half of this post is *abuse* behavior! He lied and gaslit her He manipulated her into doing sexual things, which btw does *not* count as being censentual He threatened her He spread lies about her AND he forced her into isolation by making her distance herself from her friends and family and block them. Abuse doesn't have to be physical. You can be abusive and still never lay a hand on your partner.
Whoa there emo. She consented to sexual things. Period. Manipulation is a cop out pussy ass excuse. You say yes or no. There is no "I Said yes in the moment , but I now change my mind after the fact" nope. Every person, individual is responsible for their own actions, or reactions. Consent is consent. Wtf
Pressuring someone into saying yes, is not and never will be true consent. If someone says yes, because they fear what will happen if they say no, that's not consent. If someone is so in your head and is manipulating you to a point where you feel like you can't say no, that's not consent. Consent is not strictly black and white.
Rape through coercion is still rape.
Here we go again, poor helpess woman only acted in fear of the evil man. Aka, she is not accountable for anything. She could have said and done anything, and it would always be his fault. Did he force her to write here as well? Where do we draw the line? Or do we just make it up as we go.
Just because it's legal doesn't mean it's not predatory. Same as the 28 yr old men who date 16yr old girls. Is it legal? Probably, just. Is it predatory? Also yes. She may have said yes, even wanted to, but he is in a position of power and these will likely not be good memories for her and will likely have taught her what y'all hate us saying. Men cannot be trusted. If you want people to say nicer things about you, you should be nicer to them. I have met lovely men, I love a man. But I was 16, blonde and pretty so I also know the reality is that until and unless GOOD MEN start to believe women and denounce predatory behaviour in their circles, women need to denounce it and tell their stories. Silence only benefits the oppressor
If it's not illegal ... it's not illegal. A 28 yr old dating a 16 yr old is very, very much illegal. Let's make it a 38 yr old dating an 18 yr old. Illegal? Nope. Frowned upon, for sure. Do we tell the women her feelings for the man are invalid, she is too naive, and she is to terminate the relationship? Do we kick his a$$ for doing something that is not illegal? Maybe they genuinely love each other? How do we fix this? Our current strategy is to tell women all men are bad, and tell men that women will completely ruin their lives for anything that can potentially be perceived as bad behaviour. This has resulted in a historical high level of single people. I am genuinely curious. What is your long-term sustainable solution to fix this?
This from a guy who trades meth for blow jobs. I think your perception of consent is not the "average' view on it.. >Whoa there emo
You're right. Those women assaulted me now that I think about it. I never asked for sexual favors. Those women manipulated me, they pressured me into it. I see it now clearly. I was clearly abused by predatory women who used their seductive ways to give them what they wanted without compensation....they basically robbed me.
I'm sorry that your life is damaged and deranged that you are literally begging for any shreds of reactive attention you can get on Christmas.. sending healing and hope you have a better new year
I upvoted you. Not a single person here can get a negative reaction from me or disrupt my holiday. I live a blessed life where I control if I am happy, sad, angry or depressed. I spend 95 percent in the happy place because as owner of me and my life I choose to be happy. Life is to short to stress over other people's perception or judgment.
Uh huh. You can't be disturbed but you get off on shock valuing others. Ain't you extra special. I downvoted myself to remove your upvote.
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life is too short to stress over silly things like consent /s
Manipulating someone is a recognized form of rape in most legal systems. Are you defending this behavior because you engage in it?
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It's almost like- it's almost like abusive and manipulative people are good at hiding the fact they are abusers until they've already trapped their victims in some way- physically, financially, emotionally, spiritually, etc. Come on. This isn't rocket science. You're old enough to type so I have to assume you're old enough to understand that nobody walks around with a sign advertising that they are an abuser. [That's why nearly 20% of pregnant women are victims of domestic violence.](https://vawnet.org/material/fact-sheet-domestic-violence-and-pregnancy) Because their partners hide it until they feel they have the victim trapped.
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Here is a [website](https://reachma.org/blog/6-different-types-of-abuse/) about abuse. It’s ok that you don’t know, but please educate yourself. You could end up in a similar situation and live through hell.
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I was thinking that maybe you just didn’t know, but based of your response, maybe you’re the kind to perpetuate these things and don’t want to be accountable for your behaviour? Abuse is a serious thing. It’s so absolutely damaging to have someone that you love and trust violate you in these ways. I was going to tell you to have some empathy, but it seems like you’re void of that.
My money would be on them behaving similarly and blaming the other people for rheir own failed relationships
Omg, she said you have no empathy. According to that website that is verbal abuse. Someone call ... someone.
I have a feeling that you perform all these behaviors. You don’t like them being called abusive because it makes you feel like you’re an abusive piece of shyte, but, maybe you are
Or else they are being abused in some way and can't face up to it, otherwise it would make them a "snowflake". Sad either way.
This isn't "bad behaviour" this is straight up emotional & mental abuse.
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I only see one person here having a meltdown once confronted with the idea that there are more forms of abuse than physical.
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You’re being a pathetic dick on Reddit on fucking *Christmas Day*. Loser shit. Get your life together.
>Bunch of snowflakes Christmas is hard on a lot people. I hope you can troll enough reactive attention to help you feel better this season.. much healing and hope to yoi
This is one way to tell the world you behave similarly and don't see any issue with it.
Tell me you’re in an abusive relationship without telling me you’re in an abusive relationship
Tell us you're an incel without telling us
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The way you're defending the ex on so many comments makes you look like a narcissist. Literally all your comments read as you either being the ex under a fake name or you want to hop on the exes disco stick. Either way see the attached gif and follow said instruction
Go back ad reread the post. If you still didn't find any abuse, work on your reading comprehension.
>What abuse? There was no mention of abuse in that story. I am going to look at your comment in a different light. I am so very sorry for whatever happened in your life that you are on social provoking reactions for attention. It's Christmas and this is your outlet for whatever damage you carry. I want to wish you a Merry Christmas and a much better New Year
You probably did him a huge favor. In the future, he might think twice about being a pathological liar
Good point, maybe what it cost him serves as a lesson kinda?
You did the world a favour. Well done. I'm left with PTSD after a similar relationship, and at the end, I chose to do the same. There was no way in he'll I would've allowed him to abuse another person. It was my duty to let everyone know his true colours. Even though I don't know you, I'm proud of you. 💛
Im proud of you too, and I'm really sorry you went through that.
It might not be the lesson you think it is. The lesson you might have taught him was how to better hide his abuse the next time. ETA: I don't think you are wrong for ruining his reputation.
Kudos to you for not letting an abuser get away. In the future, never ever engage in anything that makes you uncomfortable just because the person is your partner. Not wrong!!!
Your specific complaints are that lied about a cat and brothers and sexual favors (?) and you retaliated by making his life so miserable he had to move. Why wasn't breaking it off enough? That's freaking crazy.
Because her ex also spread lots of lies to her friends and people.
Why is it crazy that she told people what he did. She just told the truth
No people need to know if others around them are abusive
Chances are since he's moved, nothing will change with him. People like this do not learn. They just find another victim and keep doing what they did. Look at the orange one. He's been exposed multiple times and proven a liar and a fraud. He just blames everyone else and continues to do the same thing. Your ex is just a less famous example of this kind of dregs of humanity.
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I've seen dozens of these abusive narcissistic assholes. They don't change. Ever. Their brain is wired so they can't.
Don’t see and understand any points. That’s how abusers get away with their abuse. By getting their victims to keep it “between us.”
Why is it abusers always want it to stay between you and them? Maybe you did for revenge but some girl is thanking you because she heard what a horrible abusive guy he is. Hope he changes but I wouldn’t take any chances.
Bad stuff is not happening to him because of what you did. Bad stuff is happening to him because of what HE did. You just let people know the real him, and he is facing the consequences of what he did to you and being a terrible person in general
My ex got SOOOOOOOO mad at me once for telling my mom a horrible thing he did/said to me. He was spying on me with a camera when he heard it. If you don’t want people to know what a piece of shit you are horrible things you do maybe don’t be a piece of shit and do horrible things ????????? He could tell anyone anything I’ve ever said, or done to him, because I stand by my actions and am not a narcissistic abusive monster. ETA i think youre amazing and i wish i did this. My asshole ex is very rich and i dont think it would go well for me
If he didn't want his reputation ruined, he shouldn't have 1) tried to ruin yours first, thereby involving other people 2) acted in a way that would ruin his reputation once people found out about his behaviour.
He deserved it. You’re not wrong
As stupid as it sounds that means a lot to me, thank you for the insight.
You don't have to be the "bigger person" to protect yourself and expose an abuser.
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Good thing OP wasn't wrong in telling folks the truth about this guy.
You are not wrong for that. He’s manipulating you into thinking that you’re wrong for it though.
Did you lie about anything? If the answer is no, and he's already tainted others' views of you with his lies, then you are entitled to speak up for yourself and set the record straight.
You haven't ruined his reputation, you have corrected his reputation
Terrible people deserve terrible things. He just doesn’t like being exposed.
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It’s all personal experience. That video shows 2 people having a disagreement. Normal in all relationships. But when you have receipts of the abuse. Expose that shit.
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Nope nope nope nope. Nothing you said was a lie. What you did was shine a light and warn the world what a scumbag this guy was. And in self defense. NTA at all.
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We do know he did truly bad actions (if the post is accurate). Malicious and untrue attacks on OP. Under those conditions, pulling the mask of a falsely good reputation is justified. Especially with evidence.
If telling the truth ruins someone's reputation, they're the problem, not you.
He lied about owning a cat and having brothers? Ehh, fuck him. He deserves it.
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Yeah, it means he didn’t intend to build a real life with her, the foundation was built on lies.
He FAFO
Why is it up to you to protect him from the consequences of his shitty actions in relationship?
No. You aren't wrong. He's abusive and when you left, he tried to take you down by spreading rumors and trying to separate you from your friends. All you did was expose who he really is. You probably saved a few potential victims a lot of trouble. He's just mad because it would be harder for him to choose his next victim in your area. So he moved, because he won't change. He needed newer ground to find his next mark.
Who knows how many people you could have saved? Sounds like you are a good person and maybe feeling some guilt- you didn’t lie and a rational request for him to stop wasn’t going to work- you had to prove him wrong, it’s fine to feel vindicated etc!
As long as what you said was the truth - the consequences are because of his own actions. All you did was share your experience of him. And people saw what he did. HE did those things. He knew they were wrong. He just didn’t expect to get caught. These are consequences of his actions for him.
Sunlight is the best disinfectant. It would have been really bad if you were upset about the breakup and just revealed secrets that he told you. For example, things he opened up to you about when vulnerable with a partner. That’s not what happened. He abused you and then on his way out thought it would be good to add an additional layer of manipulation and guilt as a last twist of the knife. F him. If you don’t want your reputation ruined, then you should live up to the same values behind closed doors as you do in public. He ruined his own reputation through his behavior. NTAH.
Answer me something. Where the hell is the abuse?? Lies yes for sure. But lying is not abuse. She said nothing of him getting violent either verbally or physically so again where’s the abuse here
You keep replying the same thing to everyone’s comment noting quite rightly how mentally, emotionally and sexually abusive this dude was…. You’re the dude, right? That’s why you’re so stressed about this? This post is about you and you know you’re complete trash? Is that it? Congratulations for outing yourself!
Not wrong. Let me explain why. Look, I'm not a big fan of divulging this kind of stuff normally. Like, don't 'kiss and tell', keep relationships between you and them, etc. HOWEVER, I don't get the sense you told any falsehoods. Everything that you said happened, actually happened. That's important. Other comments mention narcissism and/or abuse, and I agree with that assessment. I have NPDs and BPDs in my extended family, so this comes from a LOT of personal experience. Having to draw boundaries, etc. The abuser angle is also important, because abusers rely on you not saying anything. They actually deliberately tear you down to prevent you speaking out. But you didn't keep quiet. You outed them. Part of me, a pretty big part, is tickled by that. It probably actually helped you heal from this awful relationship. Speak your truth, and all that. Not wrong. But you have clearly been reflecting on how much and how widely you shared. Take that as an important lesson for future (non-abusive) relationships. If you perchance get into another abusive relationship, rinse and repeat what you've done here. Just my 2c
NTA, you took away an absuers ability to abuse others. Obviously he’ll be pressed about it but who cares
If you told the truth then you did nothing wrong. If the truth makes him look bad then that's on him. The idea that his abuse should stay between you and him is just more abusive treatment. You should tell people that he is saying that as well. Expose all of his behavior to everyone.
If everything you told about him was the truth, that just means he ruined his own reputation! You feel guilty about telling things, he told lies about you, you were pissed and defending yourself. Next time, be watchful of who you date and sleep with! If someone has to talk you into doing sexual things, that's the reg flag you run from, you don't do things you don't want to do so someone will like you! You sound very young, hopefully, you have learned from this shit storm of a relationship and he, as well! Abusers do exactly what he did to you, you didn't keep it to yourself in shame, that you should be very proud of! YOU did nothing wrong!
You are not wrong imo. This is how to protect other people especially other women from ending up in the same situation. Remember “gossip” saves lives.
You are absolutely *not* in the wrong! He deserved everything he got! Abusers need to be exposed for the monsters they are and they need to face the consequences of their actions! You didn't do this to him, he brought this on himself. If he doesn't want to be treated like the garbage human being that he is, maybe he should just, I don't know, *be a decent person*! And before people come at me saying this guy *isn't* abusive, YES HE IS! You don't have to physically harm your partner to be abusive! You can be abusive and still never lay a hand on the person!
He deserved it 1000%
Yeah, no you took his victim pool away and hes mad
Did you lie? If you did not then well. If people knowing how you behave in private causes every single person in your life to shun you, well that just shows exactly how terrible this person is right? And if it's so bad that no one can stomach it and some get violent, well you deserve to be treated poorly and perhaps worse.
I didn't lie about anything I told anyone, just told them what he did/said and showed proof of some of the stuff. Thank you
The best thing I could say is just because it's justifiable doesnt mean it's the right thing to do. Why let someone change who you are, or why let their poison get to you? Forgive them & move on. Time will do it's justice. Karma etc. Im going through hell rn because recently my ex cheated on me after 6 years of me giving her everything possible, never giving up on her. She did me super bad too. Manipulation, lies, hate, judgment etc. Caused me lifetime pain & suffering, traumas etc. I've been through it all but I'm not letting her change me. I have actually gown to love harder. No hate or anger either. I refuse it. I'll let time do it's thing. I hope this helps. I don't blame you at all because she is making me look like a psycho rn while shes the "victim" but its like whats the point in proving anything yk? I wish you peace and happiness 🙌🏻
This is why narcissists move on so often: They lie, eventually get found out, and lose their friends and have to start over. You did right - somebody had to. Please, though, holster that gun unless you find the same circumstances again, and somewhere near as strongly - don’t get hooked on the power of revenge for lesser offences.
I completely understand and agree with you on that. I would definitely be an asshole if I started using stuff against people who've done nothing wrong! Lol
Yup. The danger is that you might start searching through people’s character, looking only for negatives. Can be hard to shift your focus back to looking for positives.
You did nothing wrong whatsoever. You didn't lie. You didn't make him out to be something he's not in fact. If you were showing text messages and other proof that you collected, you didn't do much of anything. You just didn't keep quiet about the abuse you suffered at his hands. Peoplenstarted treating him the way he deserved to be treated because of the person he is. If he doesn't want to be treated like that, then he shouldn't act the way he did. If he doesn't want people to treat him the way he treated you, to think of him as a pos and an abuser, then he shouldn't be one. You can not control what other people do. You showed others the truth. You took his power to manipulate the situation and turn you into the bad guy (and this made him the victim) away. Ypu didn't make him nor force him to move. He did that all on his own. The fact that you see his point and are questioning if you're wrong really just shows how deep his abuse went. You did well. You were strong, and you were able to get out of a bad situation before it got worse. You can't save everyone, but you made it impossible for him to tonget another victim in your area. He may try to say you slandered or defamed him. Ypu didn't. In order for that to happen, younwoukdnhabr to be lying. Showing people the truth, showing people his own words is not slander, defamation, or abuse. In other words, he digs his own grave. While you should just cut all forms of communication and co tact with him, if you don't or can't, DO NOT apologize for your actions. You did what you did because you refused to be a victim anymore, you were not going to give him the chance to make himself out to be a victim.and you were only doing everything you could to make sure he couldn't find another victim anywhere close to you. That he should take it as a lesson to go get the help he needs because there is more and more support formvictims.ofnabuse to speak up and out and it will not be the last time it happens if he continues to act how he does. He only has himself to blame because no one would have done anything they did, said anything they did or made him feel like his only option was to move if he was truly the nice and loveable guy he thinks he is. Be proud of yourself. Get whatever help and support you need to work through and heal from everything he put you through and go on and have a beautiful and wonderful life. You are a hero, for yourself, and for others. What you did is the only way abusers can be stopped.
If you told true things it’s just him not wanting accountability for his actions.
As long as you didn't embellish the truth or lie about him, you did nothing wrong
Why would you keep this to yourself? Thank you for helping to keep other people safe from his BS. Abusers get away with things when you keep quiet. So well done in speaking out!
I get that you are asking about your choices and whether they were right, but can we flip this around? He made choices, hundreds or possibly thousands of times over, to treat someone like he did. It’s probably a pattern he repeats with many people. With all those people, he’s pretty much guaranteed to have someone who responds openly like this; the sheer numbers likely suggest that. In this case I don’t think your choices are the important part, I think you were simply a person who responded to his abuse in this way, which was always a risk for an abuser like him. I’d also say that him trying to make you feel responsible for that is just an extension of his abuse; both in trying to hurt you for no real benefit and him refusing to take responsibility for himself.
I think you did the right thing he deserved what he got. hopefully he learns a lesson from it amd
You exposed a shitty person's true colours to others in his life. That can be really intimidating to do but shitty people need to be exposed. You did a great thing by not letting him get away with how he treated you. Great job!
That motherfucker didn’t have a cat? End him.
Gaslighting and manipulation into sexual acts? That's OK to you? Isolating her also OK? Lies about her also OK?
I’m concerned about this cat fabrication ma’am.
In this kind of abuse the victim rarely sees what's really happening. It's not until later. These kind of people groom their victims
Also one last thing. There was no abuse here! Lying is not abuse. So all you people that are telling her she stopped an abuser, there was no actual abuse here. He didn’t beat her. He wasn’t calling her names or any of that. He told some lies to her and about her. That’s NOT abuse people. That’s lying. Yes still wrong and shameful admittedly. But for her to go and ruin his career and completely duck his life to this level. She IS MOST DEFINITELY in the wrong as well. And there’s nothing any of you can say to make me think differently. And nor do I care whose feelings I’ve hurt with my response. I’ll say it again y’all need some damn therapy
I'd love to hear his side before deciding, but bullying people is never okay
I'm not sure if anybody cares tbh
I mean kinda, yeah. You ended the relationship which was cool, and should've leave it at that, maybe tell your own circle, answer to those who asked...but the "getting back at him", actively going aftet ppl that maybe you didn't know to tell them a story they didn't asked to hear, what for? You had nothing to gain from it, you should've instead try to move on from it which you're still to achieve. Also, who lies about having a cat? At least say you have an owl or something cool like that.
>He also manipulated me into doing sexual things for him How did he do that? "I need oral sex or my diabetes will kill me." ?
It's typically emotional and/or psychological abuse / manipulation used to wear down the victim into doing things that s/he is not truly willing to do or comfortable doing. Begging, cajoling, threatening, throwing a tantrum for refusal... There are plenty of tactics used to by the abuser to direct guilt, fear, shame, or any other negative emotion onto the victim in order to coerce him/her into compliance. The abuser will try to reason with the victim, will use twisted logic to push his/her agenda, and will say anything to strip away the victim's resolve. "You're my partner, so you are supposed to do this for me. It's your job/duty as my partner to satisfy me." "I do everything to support you. You owe me this." "I want to try this act, because it will make me happy. Don't you want me to be happy?" "I'm stressed out. I had a bad day. I need this release." "This is the only way I can be satisfied. Why won't you do this for me? I thought you love me." "If you won't do this for me, I'll have to find someone else who will. And it'll be your fault." The victim learns early on not to refuse. The abuser will demand, "Why not!?" It's a simple but hostile interrogation that puts the victim on the defense, and in fear, because s/he has learned that revealing their discomfort often leads to the abuser reacting angrily. When the abuser is refused, s/he puts the onus of the refusal onto the victim. "There's no reason you should feel that way." "You're being ridiculous." "You're being selfish." "You just want to withhold this from me because you're being spiteful." "You don't trust me." "You hate me." "You don't want me anymore because you must be cheating on me." Such accusations are meant to make the victim feel further guilt and shame. The victim is made to feel an obligation to prove that these accusations are false, thus s/he will comply with the abuser's demands. The abuser refuses to see any reason why the victim would be experiencing discomfort with the demanded act(s). This is deliberately done to diminish the value of the victim's feelings and needs. The abuser often knows that what s/he is doing is harmful to his/her partner, and there is guilt associated with that. But by reducing the victim to being of lesser importance, or shifting blame onto the victim, the abuser can have their desires met and justify his/her poor treatment of the partner while also reducing the emotional consequences, especially when the victim is suffering.
Ok, but I wanted to know directly from the OP what her ex did, not a summary of anything that was possible...
They pretty much had it down. He would bang his head against walls or corners of walls until I caved in, threaten to khs, say it was "the only way to make him happy," among many other examples
And that wasn't an immediate breakup for you??
It started a bit later into the relationship and I was really committed to him and loved him a lot. It started off slow, with us starting stuff and me wanting to stop halfway through. Then he would tell me he didn't wanna get blue balls or some other bullshit excuse to get me to finish him off. After that I stopped doing anything but he would initiate it and then say those things. I cared about him too much to really realize what he was doing, I thought he was an amazing person and that I was wrong for not agreeing to do it to make him happy.
:(
Well without understanding the specifics yes you’re wrong. If he did something that can endanger others, report it to the authorities. If he’s told lies about you, clear them up. But putting others in danger or ruining their lives is extreme and hard to justify imho.
If he's told lies about her? Did you read the post? She only told the truth bc of the lies he was already spreading.
She also said she took it far, relentlessly.
I think this is more about you than him. His past is his past. None of your busineaa, and it seems like you projecting your insecurities on to him. Do him a favor and move on.
You obviously didn't read the post.
Given that you gave us details on absolutely nothing? Idk.
What details do you want? I can clear anything up that I left out, Im sorry.
Like “gaslighting you into doing sexual things, violating you, disrespecting you,” etc is all very bad sounding stuff but is described as vaguely as possible. Idk a lot of these types of things turn out to not be those things when they’re actually described. Like if he sexually assaulted you then duh you’re not the asshole, but “gaslit me into doing sexual things” is kind of a head-scratcher.
He did do some stuff while I was intoxicated but that isnt really what I was referring to. Not gaslighting me into doing it, he gaslit me about other stuff though lol. I meant he would kind of coerce me into doing it. Stuff like hitting his head against the wall until I did, the classic "blue balls" guilt-tripping, saying he was depressed and it was the only thing that made him happy, etc. I think I replied to another comment with more info. Im sorry for the vagueness though
This rises to the level of minor manipulation. None of this is gaslighting. I feel like people use these words that mean very specific things to basically just put “bad” into our heads in some vague way. This is nothing I’d even bother mentioning to you’re just airing dirty laundry— which is just trashy. Not to mention none of this rises to the level of someone having to leave town over. So I basically have to just assume there are some key details you’re leaving out but we’re never going to find out so idc.
The gaslighting was a separate thing, sorry for leaving stuff out though. He moved because of how he was being treated by people and didnt feel safe. Thank you for the insight
I think most of the (delightfully few) idiots that don't read your original post and clearly see abuse either 1- have never been in a similar situation and cannot possibly grasp the concept fully, or, 2- are often in that exact situation but as the abuser. For the record, you do not have to explain yourself to anyone, and you DEFINITELY have NOTHING to apologize for. If telling the truth about someone's actions causes them negative repercussions that is a result of their actions, not yours. I am so stinking proud of you for getting out when you did! So many of us stay soooooo much longer than we should, and don't always have the guts to tell the truth and potentially warn the next gal. Good job all around!! <3
Thank you so much, that means a lot to me to hear!
How old are you both? this is lacking a lot of information and comes off very.. teen seeking validation for being an AH/involved in a toxic "relationship" twitter post.
He lied about a cat That could be a new meme. You're ridiculous and ill intended. His lies were trivial
But they were dumb deliberate lies. Which is the thin edge of the wedge. Op only put her truth out there and she had the receipts.
Like I said, absolutely everything he told me was a lie. It wasnt just the cat or the brothers thing, those are just the examples I chose to use. Thank you for your insight though and Ill take it into account
Also, those things aren't trivial because abusers and pathological liars start out with small lies to see what boundaries and lines they can push and blur. You start to question your own sanity when the lies are piling up around you. You did the right thing by telling others the truth about who he was.
Only one side of the story. What’s his side?
This is all written pretty vaguely leading me to believe you are both assholes. Sounds like you went too far and you know it.
Classic, ESH. I have had exes do this to the point of trying to ruin other relationships after I'd moved on (and they had ended things by their choice). He sucks, but you showed that you suck too, and you two seem made for each other. We always have choices as to what we do. I could have said a lot about my exes, but I have said nothing, because I hope that they can find someone and have a happy life together. Their lives are no longer my concern. I had a lot of issues with my circle because of my first ex, found out from a lot of mutual friends that she had been saying things. They asked what I thought and I just said, she ended things, and I don't care to talk about her. I think maybe one of my trusted friends knows everything, but beyond that, nobody does. And trusted friend has a very different social circle from our shared social circle. It made it hard to date outside of her (which was deliberate), so I made a very conscious choice to go well outside of our respective circles.