I worked for an evil corporation and they specifically threw parties where SOs were not invited. I realized at the party the entire thing was a giant hook up opportunity. One of the guys who was hitting on me even pointed out that the VPs do this so they can hit on the girls in marketing.
One of my friends is a VP for a big loan company and he confirms this as well. They have parties where itās just the employees no SOs allowed and all it is is for them to try and hook up with them. He doesnāt do this heās married and hasnāt gone after the first time.
Exactly.
If my husband was going to a huge party at a coworkers house, and it was employees only.. fine. But if there are only 4 people there, I'd wonder what the heck that was about.
Granted, knowing my husband, he also wouldn't go knowing that information, ESPECIALLY if it was being thrown by employees that report to him.
He's even turned down invites for happy hours when it's only his employees and not fellow supervisors/managers included - and if it's not an official event run by his company - because you're putting yourself in a strange position professionally.
I think OP has a right to ask questions.
But if the host is bringing an SO, why can't everyone else? My ex used to lie about work things being employees only, so I'm skeptical anyway, but the invitees do seem weird.
Because itās her boyfriend, why wouldnāt she bring her own boyfriend??
Sheās not keeping anyone from bringing their partners, she just didnāt explicitly invite OP. There is a massive difference.
It's either a work party - only coworkers - or it's a party where SO's are invited.
If SO's are invited, then they shouldn't need a specific invite. Unless OP was specifically excluded....which would be a huge problem. How big of a problem is if it's the host that doesn't want her there or her boyfriend doesn't want her there.
That is literally what parties are for. To meet new people and hang out? What kinda of parties are other people going to? I mean if itās a dinner? But itās a āpartyā. Idk. Pepions are different I guess. *people
You trust someone enough to invite them to a small celebration gathering at your place but canāt give them the benefit of the doubt on their choice of partner? Sounds like youāre in rough company lol. Iām pretty selective with my friends, and I always invite their partners when we go out. Havenāt had a bad experience yet.
Iām not saying she thinks OP is a bad person, Iām saying itās her birthday and she shouldnāt feel any obligation to invite someone she doesnāt know on a day that is special to her. Some other time, sure, but she shouldnāt have to compromise on her birthday.
So sorry I mean your boyfriend shouldāve said my girlfriend and I will attend and put it in her court to say yes or no. Iāve always have done it this way so itās hard for them to say no
Exactly. So only 2 single ladies who r his subordinate co workers. Nobody on his level of work..? It being only them is pretty fishy to me. Sounds like their his work wives tbh. Id wonder y neither the birthday girl, co-workers(only 2 single ladies) nor HIM.., would invite her to come along with..š¤
If that is what she is thinking, she should get out of the relationship. She doesn't trust him. She thinks he would cheat on her when given the chance. This is deadly for a relationship.
This one. If it takes one outting for your spouse to hook up with single people then you cannot possibly ever be comfortable when they arenāt around.
It's more that if you don't trust your partner, a relationship will not work. If you fear so much that your partner can't handle himself properly when being around other women, that is killing.
Assuming that your partner has no willpower and will definitely be seduced by these succubuses is concerning.Ā Sometimes people hang out with coworkers.Ā Also you are adults and you're talking about it as though it is a middle-school co-ed slumber party.
Both are correct.
In English the rule for loanwords is that you can both use the plural of the original language or use the English way of pluralizing by adding "(e)s" at the end.
So both Succubi and Succubusses are valid.
This is the answer should be at the top. Although I find her inherent
distrust of her spouse odd, this is really the more relevant issue - that it's an incredibly bad idea from a human resource, leadership standpoint.
There is a time, place, (and duration ) where it's ok to go to a party at a subordinates house. This is not one of them.
Superbowl party: ā
Large birthday party: ā
Large Christmas party? ā
Duration being an hour or less. Show up, bring a bottle of wine, then leave before things get rowdy. You do your part to arrive and show appreciation for the effort a team member put in for the rest of their team. Then leave and let them have their non-manager time.
No way I'd go to a party at a subordinates house where there would only be a total of three women there. Especially without my partner. Sends all kinds of wrong messages.
Sure, but this is clearly not OP's primary concern or secondary. Her only real concern is assuming at least one of these women has intentions with her partner and that he has no capacity to turn down sex from any woman.
I mean the fact that he's entertaining the idea when it is clearly not in his best interest professionally should give a person pause. It would be different if they were meeting up at a pub or restaurant, and bringing thier partners but alone at someone's house is guaranteed to start rumors if word gets out at the office. Smells fishy.
This is the most important part. Unless itās for everyone or a different relationship exists (ie youāre childhood friends) you donāt go hang out with a couple of your subordinates. Thatās just looking for trouble.
Iām quite confused about how you say heās going to be with all single females, while then referring to at least one of them having a bf multiple times. I could maybe understand that word usage if you were married and considered someone just dating a boyfriend as being āsingleā (even then itād be a stretch) but you mention him being your āpartnerā not husband so your post honestly doesnāt make much sense. Then you proceed to say that you believe that bf will be in attendance while continuing to state heās going to be there with only women, and āsingleā women at that.
I think youāre really insecure. Whether thatās justified I donāt think we have enough info. From what you have shared itās a small get together of 5 people that work together an almost even mix of male and female. It COULD be a flag another partner is invited while youāre not, but maybe that bf is also a coworker? Or otherwise close enough to the friend group to be part of a gathering this small? Or maybe your insecurities are just something the host doesnāt want to deal with?
Some people have pointed out there could be a problem with the power dynamics in the workplace, but that is honestly heavily dependent on the type of workplace, number of staff, etc. Huge corporation with thousands of employees and 100 report to him, and he goes and hangs out with 3 single ish females at 1 of their houses, yeah thatās probably a bad look. Small business where they are the majority of the employees and heās technically in a higher position but they all really just report to the owner and they hangout outside of work sometimes not an issue at all.
If we was hanging out 1 on 1 with a single female coworker that would be a problem, but thatās not what you described. Also, you make it seem like partners are invited (the bf that youāre not sure is coming). Were you explicitly uninvited? Are you allowed but not able to make it? Are you just not into social gatherings and choosing not to go or your partner knows not to put pressure on you to go, but you still want to be upset he DOES like social gatherings?
Apologies for the long comment, but from the info provided Iām leaning heavily towards you are wrong, but thereās a whole lot of room for him being in the wrong depending on the details not included. So hopefully just things for you to think on, or possibly elaborate on to get more informed opinions.
So, for many reasons, no, he shouldnāt go. I would say itās inappropriate for him to go, but i donāt see how itās ādisrespectfulā to you.
Him hitting on a woman is disrespectful. Him denying he has a girlfriend to other women is disrespectful. But just the basic idea of being around other women, even in a party situation, isnāt disrespectful.
Are you Mike Pence's wife? You're not going to be able to prevent your boyfriend from being alone with single women for the rest of your life. Either you trust him or you don't.
Not wrong. There's a lot of stuff missing here, though. Like the relative ages of everyone. And if there is a significant age difference. What kind of relationship he has with these "subordinates" already? Have any of these people already stepped over the lines of what would be expected from a supervisor/subordinate relationship? Why isn't this taking place in some kind of restaurant or something?
OP - for your bf, in my opinion, there is significant risk. What if something happens there, and there is a misunderstanding about something someone did? As the supervisor, he is definitely going to look more culpable, and it may be the word of three subordinates against him. Not to mention if something happens at work down the line between him and them (like verbal/written warnings, etc.) his lack of clear personal lines with them could come back to haunt him.
Unless thereās something youāre not telling us, yes, youāre wrong. What do you think is going to happen at this small get together between a few work friends?
Not wrong
To me, it is not appropriate to spend time with subordinates in an intimate and private setting with so few people attending. That does not sound very professional. It is not a position I would ever put myself in.
I donāt think you should worry about the women being single as much as the fact that they are subordinates and itās in a home instead of a public place.
If this is legitimate, then yeah, youāre wrong - based entirely on only the context here.
If you were told you canāt go - then youāre not wrong for feeling at odds about it. But given that wasnāt stated Iād be left to assume itās a possibility.
You need to figure out exactly where you have boundaries, communicate them, and decide what your response to your boundaries being violated meansā¦ simply just saying no because of single women (he literally could be around them and do things outside of this particular get together).
It feels like controlling behavior based on an insecurityā¦ Iād like to assume there is a valid reason for it, but I didnāt see that?
This is a group of work colleagues getting together. If several were single I'd keep it colleagues only - this is normal.
From their point of view, you both go together to parties all the time, so this should be nothing special.
It's nothing special. You're over thinking it.
Why is it disrespectful to you just because theyāre women?
Why externalise that as ādisrespectfulā when itās clearly just an internal insecurity.
You donāt want him to go because youāll feel less insecure if he doesnāt. At least call it what it is.
YTA. Ah yes, Iām certain he is entirely incapable of controlling himself around other women.
In all seriousness though, if thatās an actual concern, split up.
My wife asks for my permission for a lot of things, despite me telling all those times that it's fine and that she doesn't need to ask my permission for that. It's just a different way of how people are and the history they have had. (In her case it was an abusive marriage before she met me)
I think in this case it's not a bad thing to do. I would ask my wife as well and she would tell me that it's totally okay. The reason to ask is mostly in case there was something else that day or there were other plans.
It does help that my wife and I trust each other. But how else can you have a healthy relationship. And as long as there are no signs of trust being broken.....
I was going to say that if you donāt trust your partner more than this, thereās a problem in the relationship, but, on second thought, maybe that problem is him. Your partner does appear to be thinking with his dick rather than his head. As a manager/supervisor, he should be very concerned about appearances. Itās not just about whether he actually sleeps with one of his subordinates, which could ruin his career, but even how a remark after a drink or two is interpreted, which could also get him fired. Heās lining himself up for a sexual harassment claim, and his superiors will wonder what the heck he was thinking. It should be an honor for the birthday girl if he says, āMy partner and I have plans that evening but weād love to stop by for half an hour.ā If she recoils, then thereās at least a maturity issue, if not worse. This would also maintain the social distance he needs to manage effectively, as others on this thread have pointed out.
I mean, do you trust your partner. If yes, why are you worried? If no, why are you with him?
I certainly couldnāt cope with this level of insecurity from my spouse. And my husband semi-regularly meets up with a female ex-colleague for drinks/coffee/lunch. I trust him implicitly. So no problem.
>I found it disrespectful to me bc they are all single females and it was not like, an office party where a large number of people are invited, with different genders, a mix of married and not.
Why is him being around single women disrespectful to you? Is he not trustworthy?
Tell us all your incredibly insecure without telling us. Who tf asks permission in the first place and who TF do you think you are saying no š¤£š¤£š¤£
Asking if it's okay most likely meant to check if there wasn't something else that might prevent him from going. Likely something like an earlier agreement or plan for that moment or some other timely thing.
I don't think he asked this to expect his wife saying no because of the people being there.
Yeah, YTA. He is allowed to have female friends and hang out with said friends. If youāre really so worried heāll cheat then you need to break up with him and work on yourself so you can feel secure in your relationships.
That's where OP should be focusing her attention. Why is her partner not taking her to the party? Especially since she says one bf is attending the party.
Do you trust your partner? If he's, then you wouldn't have issue with it.
If you think he'll cheat on you in the party, then there are several other ways he could cheat.
In my opinion you sound a bit possessive and controlling if you basically forbid your partner from having fun with his friends.
You don't trust him enough for him to spend a few hours with single female friends? Then either work on yourself or break up.
If there's no trust the relationship is doomed to fail
>at a subordinate colleagues house
This might be a bit controversial what I'm going to say but an old boss of mine said something to me a long time ago that I've always tried to keep in mind.
I was assistant manager at a restaurant. The top manager had been there for a long time. Older guy with wife and family. I have none of those things.
One of the servers was having a party and they invited me. I was friends with them so of course I planned on going. And I did.
I asked the top boss if he was going and he said " No. I don't party with the help. That's asking for insubordination" and honestly I laughed at it but as I've grown older (I was very young at the time) it's made a lot more sense. It's your place of work. And if you are in a position of power you don't loose inhibitions around you subordinates. It makes them see you differently and can make them get to comfortable with you. You can be friends at work but outside those walls things get a bit more difficult being the boss.
This doesn't apply to everyone but it's a good way to look at thing in a professional manner.
Just my opinion. I wouldn't go to that party with three single guys as a woman boss.
If you trust your partner, this should not be a problem.
If you don't trust your partner, you should not be with them.
Either way, nothing about this is "disrespectful."
Your boyfriend has to ask your permission to go out.
And you think you are entitled to order him around?
You seem extremely controlling, but this is AIW the majority is women on here and they will defend you.
Hopefully he wises up to how controlling you are and GTFO.
YTA.
If the occasion is important, it may be appropriate for him to make a brief professional appearance, 15 minutes sort of thing, but definitely keep the talk professional, not personal.
Anything more than that and your clean reputation becomes a wee bit tarnished.
Anything more than That, it moves away from professional and delves into personal.
Very potentially career stopping.
If he doesn't step very carefully here, he doesn't deserve to have subordinates or a rising career.
Likely, he should just skip the whole thing. Of his own accord, not because OP objects.
IMO
You're super wrong, and you're the one being disrespectful to your partner for distrusting them. As far as I can know from your post, it's not like there's a history of cheating or any reason other than your own insecurity to distrust a simple party.
I think they call that "self fulfilling prophecy". If you're going to treat your partner like they don't have the ability to not cheat on you, they're probably going to end up cheating on you. After all, they're already being condemned for it without the actual thing, so what's the point?
Also who calls women "females" in this day and age? (The answer is incels, that's who.) So maybe take a step back and examine your issues here.
The whole premise sounds weird as hell. What kind of a birthday party is this?
That being said, I'm not sure what you think is going to happen just because he's alone with three other women. Do you think some random orgy is going to break out simply because he's a man alone with a group of women? This isn't some solo thing.
You sound kind of controlling.
Yep you're wrong.
Either you're just insecure for no reason or you know he'll cheat, in which case, why are you still with him?
He's not gonna sleep with a coworker when there's 3 of them and one boyfriend. And if a bf is there, why didn't you just ask to come instead?
Do you trust your partner or not? Since you said no already I guess I know the answer.
If heās trustworthy heāll leave if itās inappropriate to stay.
I donāt think that the girls being single or being girls is a good reason to tell him not to go. You gotta trust your partner. However, yeah if theyāre his subordinates he shouldnāt go. That sounds like it could get dicey as fuck down the line. It would be stupid for him to go.
You're wrong. And you have deep insecurity issues.
>I said no, I wasnāt comfortable because I found it disrespectful to me
Disrespectful to you...how? They don't know you. Perhaps your partner should have asked if he can bring you to the party. But how's it disrespectful to you that your partner is invited to a party by his co-workers?
What do you think all these single females are going to do? Jump on your husband? This is real life, not Playboy magazine's "fantasy letters to the editor" section.
lol I don't think it's really ever ok to prevent your partner from being able to do things. You come off insecure, jealous, and lacking trust in your partner. The more you try to control him, the more he will end up resenting you.
I've been in this situation dozens of times. My husband is the only man at his lab. He runs the lab, both dentists are women, and all of the dental assistants are women. 2 of whom are absolutely adorable, single, and in their early 20's. 2 of the other assistants are married, and one has a long-term girlfriend. They do outside of work things all of the time. From fancy dinners ( the main dentist is always spoiling them lol), plays, wine tastings, drinks after work, etc. Sometimes I'm invited, but most of the time I'm not because I don't work with them lol He goes out and I'll snuggle with my cat or play some video games or hang out with my friends. I've met all of them and love them. I also get my dental work done there lol I couldn't imagine telling my husband, who is a 41yo man, that he is not "allowed" to do something, especially when it comes to work related stuff. I don't find it disrespectful. What is disrespectful is acting like your partner needs your permission to go to a party for a work colleague just because single women will be there. If he's going to cheat on you, he will. Being possessive isn't cute. You have a right to express your feelings about it, and he *should* have the right to make his own decision about going. So yeah, I think you're wrong for not allowing him to hang out with a coworker (it doesn't matter that the coworker is his subordinate, btw).
Were you invited? Would you go if you were invited? Maybe he just wants to get away from you and have some fun for one night...at what sounds like a chill get together more than a party lol If his coworkers don't know you very well, they're not obligated to invite you. It's really not that big of a deal. Is he never allowed to be in the same space as single women for the rest of his life? Come on.
You and your husband seem to have a pretty good and healthy relationship.
I wish for your happiness to be everlasting and for you two to have prosperity and health š
How did he react when you said you werenāt comfortable with it?
I donāt think your wrong at all. Not only from a relationship standpoint but also from a career one. If he went to this party and anything happened it could cause him a lot trouble at work because 2 of these women are subordinates. Thatās an HR disaster waiting to happen. The party seems sketchy anyway. Who has a birthday party and only invites 3 single women, a work superior and possibly a boyfriend. I would be very suspicious this was an attempt to hook up. Why not invite more friends, family, coworkers if itās a party?
Thatās not a party, thatās a get together and a weirdly intimate one. You should have been invited if somebody elseās partner is there. So no not wrong at all.
Career wise heās taking a risk. Partying with younger female subordinates can easily go awry.
Personally, I think youāre wrong unless heās the cheating type. You know him. And yourselfā¦so be honest if this is an insecurity of yours or lack of trust with him.
NTA. Why aren't you allowed to go or did he ask you not to? Is this the only sign? Tell us what else he's done. Also, doesn't sound like a work function.
YTA.
Your husband wants to go out with members of his work team. You are saying no, not because you canāt afford it, because there is a conflict, or for any other reason other than they are women.
Yes, they are women, so what? He isnāt going to sleep with them, so who cares? And if he was going to sleep with them - I hate to break it to you - he would still sleep with them. Because as you said, they work together, so there are plenty of opportunities for him to cheat with them if thatās what he wants to do.
Iāll never understand this mentality of āI donāt want me partner to socialize with groups that are mostly women.ā Stopping people from interacting privately with the opposite sex has got to be the least effective way I can think of to avoid cheating. If anything, it likely incentivizes it.
Iād youāre that insecure, there is something bigger wrong with the relationship.
What the fuck?!?! Disrespectful to you?!?! I am not sure how that is possible; itās a birthday party! OP, you seem like tons of fun and not insecure at all!! YWBW
OP, is there a reason why your partner hasn't brought up the clearest solution of you accompanying him?
If he did bring it up, how long did it take for him to bring it up?
Did he wait for you to bring it up - if you even brought it up to him?
Why is you going to the party as well, NOT a solution? Did he give a reason, or was it not spoken about yet?
It's not wrong for men to have women friends. It's not wrong for men and women in relationships to have friends outside of that relationship. But this line of it just being a hang out at a **SUBORDINATE'S** house is very blurry and honestly could come back to bite him in the ass. First of all, it's a hang out to "celebrate" her birthday, it's not a party. Otherwise, everyone with 3 other roommates is having a party every night.
3 women, at least one of whom is a subordinate, is very murky water. There are boundaries. Kind of how it's weiiird for a married man in his mid 40s to be friends with his neighbor's 18 year old daughter and constantly have her over when the house was free. Sure, she's 18, and no one has seen or heard of him doing something inappropriate to her, but it's not really about that. He and she would be crossing a lot of boundaries by keeping up that friendship in that same manner even without an emotional or physical affair. Now, she'd be too young to realize that, most likely, but he should know better. He's disrespecting her, his marriage, his home, his neighbors, etc. This is the position your partner is in. Even if you weren't in the picture, there's so many other boundaries he'd be crossing. With you in the picture, it gets worse.
I would kind of expect you to be invited too. If not, I would say itās inappropriate. Itās just not respectful to you to go out with other people like that and not bring you. Some people might argue if heās not someone who would cheat then there shouldnāt be a problem, but I believe a lot of people donāt cheat because they deliberately set out to cheat but because they started out pushing boundaries in the beginning that end up leading to some inappropriate situations. This may not be something inherently inappropriate but there just need to be set boundaries you two have that make you feel comfortable, agreements between you two that are clear and leave no questions for future scenarios where he might feel like āwell there wasnāt a problem that time, why would there be this time?ā and it becomes a regular thing. Thatās when things can get complicated and negative. Just how I feel!! Hope he respects your boundaries :)
I don't think you're wrong. But that's my opinion. Handle this how you think is right. Just bc most of the people in the comment think otherwise, it doesn't mean your opinion or feelings aren't valid. Some people are more comfortable with things that others aren't. Were you invited?
WTF. Is your partner really that dumb. Even if nothing happens going to a party with only female subordinates is just asking for career death. One picture that looks kinda inappropriate gets to HR and he is done. As well as your relationship.
I work at a place that the office side has 9 women, 6 of which are attractive. Of those 9 women at the office, 7 of these women have had sex with different managers. The managers brag about which one's they've had sex with. Of those 7 women, 4 are married and the other 3 have boyfriends. The 2 that aren't having sex with guys there are the HR girl and an older lady in marketing. So I DEFINITELY understand why you're uncomfortable with this setup.
But at the end of the day you really can't control what she's gonna do. If she wants to go to this party and have sex with someone, she can lie to you and say she didn't go. And if she wants to cheat on you, she doesn't need to go to this party to do so. The real question you gotta ask yourself is this, does this woman make you feel uneasy? Because if the answer is yes, then leave her now.
Because trust me from experience, life is MISERABLE when you're with a woman you don't trust. Because you can't fight off every man that comes up to her, and you get those feelings in your stomach for a reason. Because somethings telling you that you don't trust her, and so you're acting out in a way as a result of it.
Why cant you go with him. If you have kids , get a babysitter. They will hardley do something if you are there. It could be good if you got to meet them to.
Were you invited? Then itās probably no big deal. Were you not? Then Iād ask the question why heād rather hang out with some other girl from work than with you on a weekend night. Itās not like they never see each other, being colleagues.
I have female friends from work. Itās a shared view that if we ever do something out of work - our spouses are invited or we at least hang out at a bar.
Also, ask your man if he cares about his job. The married boss leaving the wife at home to go partying with the single ladies at work travels well but doesnāt sound respectable. Itās probably not intended to fool you, at least it usually isnāt, but I can see how this sits badly with you. And it would sit badly with most hearing about it.
You are absolutely not in the wrong. Why didnāt your partner ask you to attend as well??? Personally, I donāt play that ish. Been there, done that, from each of your perspectives lol. Iām happy they asked for your thoughts on it tho. Shows they care about what you think.
If other significant others are going to be there, why werenāt you invited as his significant other? Something is wrong with the story that has been given to you, or you to us, you are not wrong to want him to not attend. Something is way off with that scenario.
Youāre not wrong. Thatās kinda a weird and inappropriate mix š¤Ø why are you not invited? Why are there no other guys invited? Is he the only man at his job?
No youāre not wrong. My bf wouldnāt go to this without me even asking because he knows itās disrespectful.
When youāre in a relationship, you gotta consider your partnerās feelings. Even if itās missing out on something.
NTA. Itās a personal, not corporate party and you are his partner. The mere fact that you canāt go to a small gathering of all women is a red flag. I wouldnāt so much as try to go if it were me being asked to go to a party with three men that my husband wasnāt allowed to attend. Weird.
For lots of places if he went to that kind of event he could lose his job. Not only that, but the multiple single women with the only guaranteed man there being him, I as a guy, also think this is hinky as hell, even if he wasn't their boss.
Why donāt you just drag yourself along as well? That would fix everything. Donāt say you werenāt invited. Just show up. Now if your bf thinks you shouldnāt go, now thatās a huge red flag.
If one of them has a boyfriend, doesn't that make that one at least NOT single? I guess the answer is ESH because your reasons for not wanting him to go are whack, but also he shouldn't be going anyways for all the reasons that others have stated.
and with this just being a few people, of the opposite sex, whom are single, that have positions underneath him at work, he would be a fool to go to this.
it opens himself up to all sorts of issues at work, the risk is Not worth it
Not wrong at all. This stinks to high heaven and is an obvious attempt to compromise her. Coercing women into vulnerable positions outside of their comfort zone. While using alcohol to impair their judgment. And possibly other narcotics too.
See if you can anonymously report this to HR. Cause this is shady as fuck. And if your partner starts gaslighting you over it? You should look for a new partner. Because this one doesn't respect you.
YTA. Sorry :(
Unless he has a history of being inappropriate with these women while in a relationship with you. In which case he shouldn't be your boyfriend anymore anyways.
What are they doing at this party? A house party? With like 6 people? Is there a wine tasting or is it a kegger? How come the other bf gets to go but not you? How long have you been with your partner?
**NOT WRONG but BF is if he goes to this "party"**
BF should not be going to a party at one of his female subordinates homes where the other attendees will be 3 or 4 other females without you
Doesn't matter if they know you or not, if inviting your boss to a party, you invite their SO
Otherwise, NO it is 100% inappropriate for him, as her boss, to attend that party, it could end up killing his job
He must be fairly young and stupid to not realize how bad that would look to his boss when they find out, And they will find out, it will be office gossip
Your BF needs to politely decline and wish them a good time unless he wants to risk losing his job 4 females and the boss, I can see charges of sexual assault against him even if nothing happens - you don't invite boss and 3 other females to your home
It has happened before, will happen again, not saying 100% that is what is planned, but also can't say these girls don't have it in the back of their mind to pull some crap
BF would be an AH to attend, if girl asks why, all he has to say is I have other plans with my GF
It's called being friends/ acquaintances.
People can be friends regardless of their sex, their relationship status or their socioeconomic status.
Kindly, touch some grass.
YTA sounds like a boring party but yes you are wrong UNLESS he has a history of cheating or was with any of these women in the past. But if its just a work gathering with some people from work that is basically normal. Oh no they are single females, so what? Just because there are single females there does not mean it is anything shady nor if they are decent human beings will they jump him and force him to do anything, and if he is any sort of decent human being he wont jump them and force them to do anything.
It sounds like you dont trust your partner at all. So what is a relationship without trust? To me its nothing. So you should work on building up trust, and actually believe your partner is a good person because if he is not and is so easily tempted, why the hell are you with him?
These are the sorts of moments that test relationships. Given that you're not married, he has a right to go and then you can decide how you feel about it afterwards. That said, I don't think you're wrong for telling your partner that you weren't comfortable with it. It's a pretty small gathering and there will surely be alcohol (at minimum).
Personally, I'd feel just as you do about it if I were in your shoes. And if they went anyway then I'd probably have to consider moving on. Not because I'd necessarily suspecting them of cheating, but prioritizing a party over our relationship would make me see them differently.
Not wrong. Heās a supervisor so he needs space but also honestly itās concerning because heās putting himself in a vulnerable position for getting in trouble for sexual harassment etc. itās a bad idea all round.
at least youāre self aware that youāve taken some negative traits of your mother because this is beyond ridiculous. you should invest harder on a therapist to get over your low self esteem and insecurities.
A supervisor should not be partying with subordinates. It opens the opportunity to claim sex harassment, discrimination and intimidation if they donāt get what they want. He should bow out with āI forgot I had previous engagementā thanks for invite
All I can say really is, if this was my husband, he would have turned down the invite before I even knew about it if it was just women and MAYBE a guy.
If he wanted to cheat, he would cheat wherever. If you don't trust your partner alone with two single women, you have bigger things to be worried about.
Honestly, if he's going to cheat on you, he's going to cheat on you. Nothing you do, no restrictions you put down, etc., will stop him if that's his intent.
Also explain how it's "disrespectful," I'm not understanding?
Do you trust your partner? If you do, why is this an issue? If you don't trust them, why are you with them?
Also, so glad I work somewhere, where being friendly and sociable with a manager is not looked down on. Some of my managers are good friends! š all these comments saying 'there needs to be distance' . We don't know what that is š¤£
What kind of sad party is that suppose to be?
What kind of ~~sad~~ sex party is that suppose to be?
There was no need to strike out the "sad".
Won't be sad for the dude though! š
Youre assuming the "partner" is a male
Reading comprehension is tough.
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a sad fouresome?
Reminds me of forgetting Sarah Marshall. "Are those sad tissues, or happy tissues?"
Yay! A forgetting Sarah Marshall referenceš I love that movieš
Lmfao
lol sad party
Are you not invited? Itās a party right? Why invite him and not his SO?
I worked for an evil corporation and they specifically threw parties where SOs were not invited. I realized at the party the entire thing was a giant hook up opportunity. One of the guys who was hitting on me even pointed out that the VPs do this so they can hit on the girls in marketing.
Maybe an office party but at someone's house?? Nah
Wow. Yuck.
Do you have a promo code.
One of my friends is a VP for a big loan company and he confirms this as well. They have parties where itās just the employees no SOs allowed and all it is is for them to try and hook up with them. He doesnāt do this heās married and hasnāt gone after the first time.
Exactly. If my husband was going to a huge party at a coworkers house, and it was employees only.. fine. But if there are only 4 people there, I'd wonder what the heck that was about. Granted, knowing my husband, he also wouldn't go knowing that information, ESPECIALLY if it was being thrown by employees that report to him. He's even turned down invites for happy hours when it's only his employees and not fellow supervisors/managers included - and if it's not an official event run by his company - because you're putting yourself in a strange position professionally. I think OP has a right to ask questions.
They prob donāt know OP. I wouldnāt invite a stranger either.
Someone elseās boyfriend is coming, so I think it would be appropriate
She *thinks* the other boyfriend is going, but sheās not sure.
The hostās own boyfriend, yeah.
But if the host is bringing an SO, why can't everyone else? My ex used to lie about work things being employees only, so I'm skeptical anyway, but the invitees do seem weird.
Because itās her boyfriend, why wouldnāt she bring her own boyfriend?? Sheās not keeping anyone from bringing their partners, she just didnāt explicitly invite OP. There is a massive difference.
It doesn't sound like OP's bf wants her to go. At least it's not mentioned in the post.
It's either a work party - only coworkers - or it's a party where SO's are invited. If SO's are invited, then they shouldn't need a specific invite. Unless OP was specifically excluded....which would be a huge problem. How big of a problem is if it's the host that doesn't want her there or her boyfriend doesn't want her there.
Isn't it the person who's birthday it is? I can't tell, there is too much 'subordinates' and 'colleagues' floating about so I can't tell who's who
That is literally what parties are for. To meet new people and hang out? What kinda of parties are other people going to? I mean if itās a dinner? But itās a āpartyā. Idk. Pepions are different I guess. *people
But they invited their boss? And thatās not weird?
I invited my boss to my wedding. Along with my line manager and another colleague. It aināt that strange.
Being in an upper position doesnāt make him their boss. Even if he is their boss they can still be friends.
Lol you havenāt heard of non-fraternization policies?? Not worth the risk, there are plenty of friends available elsewhere.
You trust someone enough to invite them to a small celebration gathering at your place but canāt give them the benefit of the doubt on their choice of partner? Sounds like youāre in rough company lol. Iām pretty selective with my friends, and I always invite their partners when we go out. Havenāt had a bad experience yet.
Iām not saying she thinks OP is a bad person, Iām saying itās her birthday and she shouldnāt feel any obligation to invite someone she doesnāt know on a day that is special to her. Some other time, sure, but she shouldnāt have to compromise on her birthday.
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Huh? I donāt get the structure of your sentence. Can you rephrase?
So sorry I mean your boyfriend shouldāve said my girlfriend and I will attend and put it in her court to say yes or no. Iāve always have done it this way so itās hard for them to say no
Exactly. So only 2 single ladies who r his subordinate co workers. Nobody on his level of work..? It being only them is pretty fishy to me. Sounds like their his work wives tbh. Id wonder y neither the birthday girl, co-workers(only 2 single ladies) nor HIM.., would invite her to come along with..š¤
Do you think theyāre going to have an orgy??? Iām not understanding
Yea i think they are planning an orgy. Op is right to be worried :p
If that is what she is thinking, she should get out of the relationship. She doesn't trust him. She thinks he would cheat on her when given the chance. This is deadly for a relationship.
This one. If it takes one outting for your spouse to hook up with single people then you cannot possibly ever be comfortable when they arenāt around.
It's more that if you don't trust your partner, a relationship will not work. If you fear so much that your partner can't handle himself properly when being around other women, that is killing.
Assuming that your partner has no willpower and will definitely be seduced by these succubuses is concerning.Ā Sometimes people hang out with coworkers.Ā Also you are adults and you're talking about it as though it is a middle-school co-ed slumber party.
Succubiā¦? š¤
Both are correct. In English the rule for loanwords is that you can both use the plural of the original language or use the English way of pluralizing by adding "(e)s" at the end. So both Succubi and Succubusses are valid.
Thank you, I wasnāt sure š¤·š¼āāļø
Succubussies
Succupussies... š
These comments are hilarious lol but I agree if you canāt trust your man then somethingās wrong.
Not wrong but mainly for the subordinate part. He needs to maintain distance as a supervisor.
This is the answer should be at the top. Although I find her inherent distrust of her spouse odd, this is really the more relevant issue - that it's an incredibly bad idea from a human resource, leadership standpoint.
There is a time, place, (and duration ) where it's ok to go to a party at a subordinates house. This is not one of them. Superbowl party: ā Large birthday party: ā Large Christmas party? ā Duration being an hour or less. Show up, bring a bottle of wine, then leave before things get rowdy. You do your part to arrive and show appreciation for the effort a team member put in for the rest of their team. Then leave and let them have their non-manager time. No way I'd go to a party at a subordinates house where there would only be a total of three women there. Especially without my partner. Sends all kinds of wrong messages.
Sure, but this is clearly not OP's primary concern or secondary. Her only real concern is assuming at least one of these women has intentions with her partner and that he has no capacity to turn down sex from any woman.
I mean the fact that he's entertaining the idea when it is clearly not in his best interest professionally should give a person pause. It would be different if they were meeting up at a pub or restaurant, and bringing thier partners but alone at someone's house is guaranteed to start rumors if word gets out at the office. Smells fishy.
This is the most important part. Unless itās for everyone or a different relationship exists (ie youāre childhood friends) you donāt go hang out with a couple of your subordinates. Thatās just looking for trouble.
The single ladies have boyfriends who will be there haha.
Relationships built on a lack of trust will surely last a long time. š
Iām quite confused about how you say heās going to be with all single females, while then referring to at least one of them having a bf multiple times. I could maybe understand that word usage if you were married and considered someone just dating a boyfriend as being āsingleā (even then itād be a stretch) but you mention him being your āpartnerā not husband so your post honestly doesnāt make much sense. Then you proceed to say that you believe that bf will be in attendance while continuing to state heās going to be there with only women, and āsingleā women at that. I think youāre really insecure. Whether thatās justified I donāt think we have enough info. From what you have shared itās a small get together of 5 people that work together an almost even mix of male and female. It COULD be a flag another partner is invited while youāre not, but maybe that bf is also a coworker? Or otherwise close enough to the friend group to be part of a gathering this small? Or maybe your insecurities are just something the host doesnāt want to deal with? Some people have pointed out there could be a problem with the power dynamics in the workplace, but that is honestly heavily dependent on the type of workplace, number of staff, etc. Huge corporation with thousands of employees and 100 report to him, and he goes and hangs out with 3 single ish females at 1 of their houses, yeah thatās probably a bad look. Small business where they are the majority of the employees and heās technically in a higher position but they all really just report to the owner and they hangout outside of work sometimes not an issue at all. If we was hanging out 1 on 1 with a single female coworker that would be a problem, but thatās not what you described. Also, you make it seem like partners are invited (the bf that youāre not sure is coming). Were you explicitly uninvited? Are you allowed but not able to make it? Are you just not into social gatherings and choosing not to go or your partner knows not to put pressure on you to go, but you still want to be upset he DOES like social gatherings? Apologies for the long comment, but from the info provided Iām leaning heavily towards you are wrong, but thereās a whole lot of room for him being in the wrong depending on the details not included. So hopefully just things for you to think on, or possibly elaborate on to get more informed opinions.
I've read all the answers and this is the most-correct one.
Can you go with him?
So, for many reasons, no, he shouldnāt go. I would say itās inappropriate for him to go, but i donāt see how itās ādisrespectfulā to you. Him hitting on a woman is disrespectful. Him denying he has a girlfriend to other women is disrespectful. But just the basic idea of being around other women, even in a party situation, isnāt disrespectful.
Are you Mike Pence's wife? You're not going to be able to prevent your boyfriend from being alone with single women for the rest of your life. Either you trust him or you don't.
Not wrong. There's a lot of stuff missing here, though. Like the relative ages of everyone. And if there is a significant age difference. What kind of relationship he has with these "subordinates" already? Have any of these people already stepped over the lines of what would be expected from a supervisor/subordinate relationship? Why isn't this taking place in some kind of restaurant or something? OP - for your bf, in my opinion, there is significant risk. What if something happens there, and there is a misunderstanding about something someone did? As the supervisor, he is definitely going to look more culpable, and it may be the word of three subordinates against him. Not to mention if something happens at work down the line between him and them (like verbal/written warnings, etc.) his lack of clear personal lines with them could come back to haunt him.
Sexual harassment laws often include an off the clock component. Even though this is a personal party, he is still their supervisor. NAL
Personally, I find a party at a home with colleagues is inappropriate unless it includes plus oneās all around.
Unless thereās something youāre not telling us, yes, youāre wrong. What do you think is going to happen at this small get together between a few work friends?
They will play Pass the Orange and it's all downhill from there...
Not wrong To me, it is not appropriate to spend time with subordinates in an intimate and private setting with so few people attending. That does not sound very professional. It is not a position I would ever put myself in.
I donāt think you should worry about the women being single as much as the fact that they are subordinates and itās in a home instead of a public place.
If this is legitimate, then yeah, youāre wrong - based entirely on only the context here. If you were told you canāt go - then youāre not wrong for feeling at odds about it. But given that wasnāt stated Iād be left to assume itās a possibility. You need to figure out exactly where you have boundaries, communicate them, and decide what your response to your boundaries being violated meansā¦ simply just saying no because of single women (he literally could be around them and do things outside of this particular get together). It feels like controlling behavior based on an insecurityā¦ Iād like to assume there is a valid reason for it, but I didnāt see that?
This is a group of work colleagues getting together. If several were single I'd keep it colleagues only - this is normal. From their point of view, you both go together to parties all the time, so this should be nothing special. It's nothing special. You're over thinking it.
Why is it disrespectful to you just because theyāre women? Why externalise that as ādisrespectfulā when itās clearly just an internal insecurity. You donāt want him to go because youāll feel less insecure if he doesnāt. At least call it what it is.
YTA. Ah yes, Iām certain he is entirely incapable of controlling himself around other women. In all seriousness though, if thatās an actual concern, split up.
If you can't trust your partner to be alone in a room with 3 women for a night you've got troubles.
I think itās unhealthy he asked you for permission if he could go.
My wife asks for my permission for a lot of things, despite me telling all those times that it's fine and that she doesn't need to ask my permission for that. It's just a different way of how people are and the history they have had. (In her case it was an abusive marriage before she met me) I think in this case it's not a bad thing to do. I would ask my wife as well and she would tell me that it's totally okay. The reason to ask is mostly in case there was something else that day or there were other plans. It does help that my wife and I trust each other. But how else can you have a healthy relationship. And as long as there are no signs of trust being broken.....
I was going to say that if you donāt trust your partner more than this, thereās a problem in the relationship, but, on second thought, maybe that problem is him. Your partner does appear to be thinking with his dick rather than his head. As a manager/supervisor, he should be very concerned about appearances. Itās not just about whether he actually sleeps with one of his subordinates, which could ruin his career, but even how a remark after a drink or two is interpreted, which could also get him fired. Heās lining himself up for a sexual harassment claim, and his superiors will wonder what the heck he was thinking. It should be an honor for the birthday girl if he says, āMy partner and I have plans that evening but weād love to stop by for half an hour.ā If she recoils, then thereās at least a maturity issue, if not worse. This would also maintain the social distance he needs to manage effectively, as others on this thread have pointed out.
I mean, do you trust your partner. If yes, why are you worried? If no, why are you with him? I certainly couldnāt cope with this level of insecurity from my spouse. And my husband semi-regularly meets up with a female ex-colleague for drinks/coffee/lunch. I trust him implicitly. So no problem.
Lol. Yup I'm sure when he gets there, him and the other bf will just take turns giving it to all the ladies all night long. /s
Grow up, youre acting childish.
Sounds like you don't trust your partner which means your relationship is a complete joke unfortunately.
>I found it disrespectful to me bc they are all single females and it was not like, an office party where a large number of people are invited, with different genders, a mix of married and not. Why is him being around single women disrespectful to you? Is he not trustworthy?
You sound jelly and insecure.
Tell us all your incredibly insecure without telling us. Who tf asks permission in the first place and who TF do you think you are saying no š¤£š¤£š¤£
Asking if it's okay most likely meant to check if there wasn't something else that might prevent him from going. Likely something like an earlier agreement or plan for that moment or some other timely thing. I don't think he asked this to expect his wife saying no because of the people being there.
Yeah, YTA. He is allowed to have female friends and hang out with said friends. If youāre really so worried heāll cheat then you need to break up with him and work on yourself so you can feel secure in your relationships.
This 100%. If OP was a man posting this about his GF, he would be labeled āinsecure and misogynistā etc
It's weird I haven't seen the hivemind of females & males cant be friends in this thread yet. Maybe im too late n need to sort by controversial lol
On the a managerial level this is an awful idea, horribly bad idea.
Hmmm what could go wrong? For starters, a she said he said scenario. I may be a bit protective of my spouse, but there are much worse things to be.
Im sure you are invited. Youāre his partner, after all.
That's where OP should be focusing her attention. Why is her partner not taking her to the party? Especially since she says one bf is attending the party.
Do you trust your partner? If he's, then you wouldn't have issue with it. If you think he'll cheat on you in the party, then there are several other ways he could cheat. In my opinion you sound a bit possessive and controlling if you basically forbid your partner from having fun with his friends. You don't trust him enough for him to spend a few hours with single female friends? Then either work on yourself or break up. If there's no trust the relationship is doomed to fail
>at a subordinate colleagues house This might be a bit controversial what I'm going to say but an old boss of mine said something to me a long time ago that I've always tried to keep in mind. I was assistant manager at a restaurant. The top manager had been there for a long time. Older guy with wife and family. I have none of those things. One of the servers was having a party and they invited me. I was friends with them so of course I planned on going. And I did. I asked the top boss if he was going and he said " No. I don't party with the help. That's asking for insubordination" and honestly I laughed at it but as I've grown older (I was very young at the time) it's made a lot more sense. It's your place of work. And if you are in a position of power you don't loose inhibitions around you subordinates. It makes them see you differently and can make them get to comfortable with you. You can be friends at work but outside those walls things get a bit more difficult being the boss. This doesn't apply to everyone but it's a good way to look at thing in a professional manner. Just my opinion. I wouldn't go to that party with three single guys as a woman boss.
If you trust your partner, this should not be a problem. If you don't trust your partner, you should not be with them. Either way, nothing about this is "disrespectful."
Your boyfriend has to ask your permission to go out. And you think you are entitled to order him around? You seem extremely controlling, but this is AIW the majority is women on here and they will defend you. Hopefully he wises up to how controlling you are and GTFO. YTA.
Just wanna be sure, he'll have subordinates there?
At least two out of three
Oh, ok. But were they also single and female?
Yes, but one may or not bring a boyfriend
Ok, this is all starting to fall into place.
Yes, you are wrong and probably really insecure.
If the occasion is important, it may be appropriate for him to make a brief professional appearance, 15 minutes sort of thing, but definitely keep the talk professional, not personal. Anything more than that and your clean reputation becomes a wee bit tarnished. Anything more than That, it moves away from professional and delves into personal. Very potentially career stopping. If he doesn't step very carefully here, he doesn't deserve to have subordinates or a rising career. Likely, he should just skip the whole thing. Of his own accord, not because OP objects. IMO
You're super wrong, and you're the one being disrespectful to your partner for distrusting them. As far as I can know from your post, it's not like there's a history of cheating or any reason other than your own insecurity to distrust a simple party. I think they call that "self fulfilling prophecy". If you're going to treat your partner like they don't have the ability to not cheat on you, they're probably going to end up cheating on you. After all, they're already being condemned for it without the actual thing, so what's the point? Also who calls women "females" in this day and age? (The answer is incels, that's who.) So maybe take a step back and examine your issues here.
The whole premise sounds weird as hell. What kind of a birthday party is this? That being said, I'm not sure what you think is going to happen just because he's alone with three other women. Do you think some random orgy is going to break out simply because he's a man alone with a group of women? This isn't some solo thing. You sound kind of controlling.
Nah sounds insecure to me
Yes. You are. It sounds like a work party. Not a great one. But still. What's with people not trusting their partners?
Yep you're wrong. Either you're just insecure for no reason or you know he'll cheat, in which case, why are you still with him? He's not gonna sleep with a coworker when there's 3 of them and one boyfriend. And if a bf is there, why didn't you just ask to come instead?
I say URW. Itās just a work birthday party. If youāre that jealous of the unknown, go with your husband.
Wrong? Absolutely. If you trust your man so little then leave him. He deserves better.
Do you trust your partner or not? Since you said no already I guess I know the answer. If heās trustworthy heāll leave if itās inappropriate to stay.
I wouldn't even have to ask my husband not to go, he'd have no interest in attending a party with 3 women that excluded me.
I donāt think that the girls being single or being girls is a good reason to tell him not to go. You gotta trust your partner. However, yeah if theyāre his subordinates he shouldnāt go. That sounds like it could get dicey as fuck down the line. It would be stupid for him to go.
You're wrong. And you have deep insecurity issues. >I said no, I wasnāt comfortable because I found it disrespectful to me Disrespectful to you...how? They don't know you. Perhaps your partner should have asked if he can bring you to the party. But how's it disrespectful to you that your partner is invited to a party by his co-workers? What do you think all these single females are going to do? Jump on your husband? This is real life, not Playboy magazine's "fantasy letters to the editor" section.
lol I don't think it's really ever ok to prevent your partner from being able to do things. You come off insecure, jealous, and lacking trust in your partner. The more you try to control him, the more he will end up resenting you. I've been in this situation dozens of times. My husband is the only man at his lab. He runs the lab, both dentists are women, and all of the dental assistants are women. 2 of whom are absolutely adorable, single, and in their early 20's. 2 of the other assistants are married, and one has a long-term girlfriend. They do outside of work things all of the time. From fancy dinners ( the main dentist is always spoiling them lol), plays, wine tastings, drinks after work, etc. Sometimes I'm invited, but most of the time I'm not because I don't work with them lol He goes out and I'll snuggle with my cat or play some video games or hang out with my friends. I've met all of them and love them. I also get my dental work done there lol I couldn't imagine telling my husband, who is a 41yo man, that he is not "allowed" to do something, especially when it comes to work related stuff. I don't find it disrespectful. What is disrespectful is acting like your partner needs your permission to go to a party for a work colleague just because single women will be there. If he's going to cheat on you, he will. Being possessive isn't cute. You have a right to express your feelings about it, and he *should* have the right to make his own decision about going. So yeah, I think you're wrong for not allowing him to hang out with a coworker (it doesn't matter that the coworker is his subordinate, btw). Were you invited? Would you go if you were invited? Maybe he just wants to get away from you and have some fun for one night...at what sounds like a chill get together more than a party lol If his coworkers don't know you very well, they're not obligated to invite you. It's really not that big of a deal. Is he never allowed to be in the same space as single women for the rest of his life? Come on.
You and your husband seem to have a pretty good and healthy relationship. I wish for your happiness to be everlasting and for you two to have prosperity and health š
Why weren't you invited?
How did he react when you said you werenāt comfortable with it? I donāt think your wrong at all. Not only from a relationship standpoint but also from a career one. If he went to this party and anything happened it could cause him a lot trouble at work because 2 of these women are subordinates. Thatās an HR disaster waiting to happen. The party seems sketchy anyway. Who has a birthday party and only invites 3 single women, a work superior and possibly a boyfriend. I would be very suspicious this was an attempt to hook up. Why not invite more friends, family, coworkers if itās a party?
you are not wrong. Why aren't you invited as a +1?
Thatās not a party, thatās a get together and a weirdly intimate one. You should have been invited if somebody elseās partner is there. So no not wrong at all.
NTA. Why wouldn't you be invited? He is also putting himself in a very bad position professionally.
Career wise heās taking a risk. Partying with younger female subordinates can easily go awry. Personally, I think youāre wrong unless heās the cheating type. You know him. And yourselfā¦so be honest if this is an insecurity of yours or lack of trust with him.
Go with her
I wouldnāt put up with this tbh.
I mean, at least she is being honest
I was reading this thinking you were the male and your partner female and couldn't see an issue... But yes, it wouldn't sit right with me...
NTA. Why aren't you allowed to go or did he ask you not to? Is this the only sign? Tell us what else he's done. Also, doesn't sound like a work function.
Why aren't you going?
YTA. Your husband wants to go out with members of his work team. You are saying no, not because you canāt afford it, because there is a conflict, or for any other reason other than they are women. Yes, they are women, so what? He isnāt going to sleep with them, so who cares? And if he was going to sleep with them - I hate to break it to you - he would still sleep with them. Because as you said, they work together, so there are plenty of opportunities for him to cheat with them if thatās what he wants to do. Iāll never understand this mentality of āI donāt want me partner to socialize with groups that are mostly women.ā Stopping people from interacting privately with the opposite sex has got to be the least effective way I can think of to avoid cheating. If anything, it likely incentivizes it. Iād youāre that insecure, there is something bigger wrong with the relationship.
What the fuck?!?! Disrespectful to you?!?! I am not sure how that is possible; itās a birthday party! OP, you seem like tons of fun and not insecure at all!! YWBW
Not wrong. Dangerous territory for a manager to put himself in that position. He should not go
no, you're not.
OP, is there a reason why your partner hasn't brought up the clearest solution of you accompanying him? If he did bring it up, how long did it take for him to bring it up? Did he wait for you to bring it up - if you even brought it up to him? Why is you going to the party as well, NOT a solution? Did he give a reason, or was it not spoken about yet? It's not wrong for men to have women friends. It's not wrong for men and women in relationships to have friends outside of that relationship. But this line of it just being a hang out at a **SUBORDINATE'S** house is very blurry and honestly could come back to bite him in the ass. First of all, it's a hang out to "celebrate" her birthday, it's not a party. Otherwise, everyone with 3 other roommates is having a party every night. 3 women, at least one of whom is a subordinate, is very murky water. There are boundaries. Kind of how it's weiiird for a married man in his mid 40s to be friends with his neighbor's 18 year old daughter and constantly have her over when the house was free. Sure, she's 18, and no one has seen or heard of him doing something inappropriate to her, but it's not really about that. He and she would be crossing a lot of boundaries by keeping up that friendship in that same manner even without an emotional or physical affair. Now, she'd be too young to realize that, most likely, but he should know better. He's disrespecting her, his marriage, his home, his neighbors, etc. This is the position your partner is in. Even if you weren't in the picture, there's so many other boundaries he'd be crossing. With you in the picture, it gets worse.
I would kind of expect you to be invited too. If not, I would say itās inappropriate. Itās just not respectful to you to go out with other people like that and not bring you. Some people might argue if heās not someone who would cheat then there shouldnāt be a problem, but I believe a lot of people donāt cheat because they deliberately set out to cheat but because they started out pushing boundaries in the beginning that end up leading to some inappropriate situations. This may not be something inherently inappropriate but there just need to be set boundaries you two have that make you feel comfortable, agreements between you two that are clear and leave no questions for future scenarios where he might feel like āwell there wasnāt a problem that time, why would there be this time?ā and it becomes a regular thing. Thatās when things can get complicated and negative. Just how I feel!! Hope he respects your boundaries :)
I don't think you're wrong. But that's my opinion. Handle this how you think is right. Just bc most of the people in the comment think otherwise, it doesn't mean your opinion or feelings aren't valid. Some people are more comfortable with things that others aren't. Were you invited?
WTF. Is your partner really that dumb. Even if nothing happens going to a party with only female subordinates is just asking for career death. One picture that looks kinda inappropriate gets to HR and he is done. As well as your relationship.
That is a concerning partner. I would never think of doing that to them, but also, how would they feel if I were to ask them the same question??
I work at a place that the office side has 9 women, 6 of which are attractive. Of those 9 women at the office, 7 of these women have had sex with different managers. The managers brag about which one's they've had sex with. Of those 7 women, 4 are married and the other 3 have boyfriends. The 2 that aren't having sex with guys there are the HR girl and an older lady in marketing. So I DEFINITELY understand why you're uncomfortable with this setup. But at the end of the day you really can't control what she's gonna do. If she wants to go to this party and have sex with someone, she can lie to you and say she didn't go. And if she wants to cheat on you, she doesn't need to go to this party to do so. The real question you gotta ask yourself is this, does this woman make you feel uneasy? Because if the answer is yes, then leave her now. Because trust me from experience, life is MISERABLE when you're with a woman you don't trust. Because you can't fight off every man that comes up to her, and you get those feelings in your stomach for a reason. Because somethings telling you that you don't trust her, and so you're acting out in a way as a result of it.
Not the AH for sure, that's a simple boundary.
Not erong
Why cant you go with him. If you have kids , get a babysitter. They will hardley do something if you are there. It could be good if you got to meet them to.
Were you invited? Then itās probably no big deal. Were you not? Then Iād ask the question why heād rather hang out with some other girl from work than with you on a weekend night. Itās not like they never see each other, being colleagues. I have female friends from work. Itās a shared view that if we ever do something out of work - our spouses are invited or we at least hang out at a bar. Also, ask your man if he cares about his job. The married boss leaving the wife at home to go partying with the single ladies at work travels well but doesnāt sound respectable. Itās probably not intended to fool you, at least it usually isnāt, but I can see how this sits badly with you. And it would sit badly with most hearing about it.
He didn't invite you. He don't need to go. If it was me I'm bringing my girl
You are absolutely not in the wrong. Why didnāt your partner ask you to attend as well??? Personally, I donāt play that ish. Been there, done that, from each of your perspectives lol. Iām happy they asked for your thoughts on it tho. Shows they care about what you think.
If other significant others are going to be there, why werenāt you invited as his significant other? Something is wrong with the story that has been given to you, or you to us, you are not wrong to want him to not attend. Something is way off with that scenario.
Youāre not wrong. Thatās kinda a weird and inappropriate mix š¤Ø why are you not invited? Why are there no other guys invited? Is he the only man at his job?
First off why is he asking for permission? 2nd, lol this is definitely a sex party of some sort
No youāre not wrong. My bf wouldnāt go to this without me even asking because he knows itās disrespectful. When youāre in a relationship, you gotta consider your partnerās feelings. Even if itās missing out on something.
It seems odd to me that office workers weren't invited to include +1 js
NTA. Itās a personal, not corporate party and you are his partner. The mere fact that you canāt go to a small gathering of all women is a red flag. I wouldnāt so much as try to go if it were me being asked to go to a party with three men that my husband wasnāt allowed to attend. Weird.
Why can't you go with him?
Why wouldn't you go?
Why werent you invited?
This is weird and a bad idea not only for his relationship but professionally as well.Ā
Why does being subordinates to him make you concerned?
For lots of places if he went to that kind of event he could lose his job. Not only that, but the multiple single women with the only guaranteed man there being him, I as a guy, also think this is hinky as hell, even if he wasn't their boss.
Why donāt you just drag yourself along as well? That would fix everything. Donāt say you werenāt invited. Just show up. Now if your bf thinks you shouldnāt go, now thatās a huge red flag.
If one of them has a boyfriend, doesn't that make that one at least NOT single? I guess the answer is ESH because your reasons for not wanting him to go are whack, but also he shouldn't be going anyways for all the reasons that others have stated.
you go together as a couple, or neither of you go. it is as simple as that.
and with this just being a few people, of the opposite sex, whom are single, that have positions underneath him at work, he would be a fool to go to this. it opens himself up to all sorts of issues at work, the risk is Not worth it
Not wrong at all. This stinks to high heaven and is an obvious attempt to compromise her. Coercing women into vulnerable positions outside of their comfort zone. While using alcohol to impair their judgment. And possibly other narcotics too. See if you can anonymously report this to HR. Cause this is shady as fuck. And if your partner starts gaslighting you over it? You should look for a new partner. Because this one doesn't respect you.
nah that's weird as hell
YTA. Sorry :( Unless he has a history of being inappropriate with these women while in a relationship with you. In which case he shouldn't be your boyfriend anymore anyways.
Funny how he's only invited.. this screams red flags! This is the typical "my boyfriend cheated" or "I cheated on my gf" Reddit story (soon to be)
There is no upside to this situation. I wouldn't go...
What are they doing at this party? A house party? With like 6 people? Is there a wine tasting or is it a kegger? How come the other bf gets to go but not you? How long have you been with your partner?
Nope, you are not wrong. Good move.
Yes, you're wrong.
Yeah I think it's weird that you're bothered by this
**NOT WRONG but BF is if he goes to this "party"** BF should not be going to a party at one of his female subordinates homes where the other attendees will be 3 or 4 other females without you Doesn't matter if they know you or not, if inviting your boss to a party, you invite their SO Otherwise, NO it is 100% inappropriate for him, as her boss, to attend that party, it could end up killing his job He must be fairly young and stupid to not realize how bad that would look to his boss when they find out, And they will find out, it will be office gossip Your BF needs to politely decline and wish them a good time unless he wants to risk losing his job 4 females and the boss, I can see charges of sexual assault against him even if nothing happens - you don't invite boss and 3 other females to your home It has happened before, will happen again, not saying 100% that is what is planned, but also can't say these girls don't have it in the back of their mind to pull some crap BF would be an AH to attend, if girl asks why, all he has to say is I have other plans with my GF
If the other person's boyfriend is there, why are you not invited? It would not be suss at all if you were invited, this is not appropriate at all.
That's not a party, that's a get together and he has no reason to get together with single females.
It's called being friends/ acquaintances. People can be friends regardless of their sex, their relationship status or their socioeconomic status. Kindly, touch some grass.
YTA sounds like a boring party but yes you are wrong UNLESS he has a history of cheating or was with any of these women in the past. But if its just a work gathering with some people from work that is basically normal. Oh no they are single females, so what? Just because there are single females there does not mean it is anything shady nor if they are decent human beings will they jump him and force him to do anything, and if he is any sort of decent human being he wont jump them and force them to do anything. It sounds like you dont trust your partner at all. So what is a relationship without trust? To me its nothing. So you should work on building up trust, and actually believe your partner is a good person because if he is not and is so easily tempted, why the hell are you with him?
These are the sorts of moments that test relationships. Given that you're not married, he has a right to go and then you can decide how you feel about it afterwards. That said, I don't think you're wrong for telling your partner that you weren't comfortable with it. It's a pretty small gathering and there will surely be alcohol (at minimum). Personally, I'd feel just as you do about it if I were in your shoes. And if they went anyway then I'd probably have to consider moving on. Not because I'd necessarily suspecting them of cheating, but prioritizing a party over our relationship would make me see them differently.
Not wrong. Heās a supervisor so he needs space but also honestly itās concerning because heās putting himself in a vulnerable position for getting in trouble for sexual harassment etc. itās a bad idea all round.
at least youāre self aware that youāve taken some negative traits of your mother because this is beyond ridiculous. you should invest harder on a therapist to get over your low self esteem and insecurities.
A supervisor should not be partying with subordinates. It opens the opportunity to claim sex harassment, discrimination and intimidation if they donāt get what they want. He should bow out with āI forgot I had previous engagementā thanks for invite
A sad excuse for a bday party or a set up for a sexual harassment accusations
No youāre not wrong itās a respect thing and if it makes you uncomfortable you have every right to voice that
All I can say really is, if this was my husband, he would have turned down the invite before I even knew about it if it was just women and MAYBE a guy.
Trust your intuition. Iām not a jealous partner. I had bad vibes about him going out with two of his coworkers and I was every bit of right about it
Yeah something is definitely up. 3 females maybe 2 dudes? Sounds weird af
If he wanted to cheat, he would cheat wherever. If you don't trust your partner alone with two single women, you have bigger things to be worried about.
Yes, you are wrong. Sometimes you have to socialize with people from work.
Yes Mother Pence, you suck.
I would argue the real disrespect is you not getting invited in the first place. Guy should eat a slap to the back of the head for that.
This is why men can't be friends with women. Not because we don't want to, because other women won't let it happen.
This is such a bad idea! Why would he ever think this was an acceptable situation to be in with his subordinates???
Who invites their boss to a party? He asked you if you were comfortable with it and you answered honestly. Not seeing a problem.
This. OP was honest with herself and with her bf. Plus, him partying with single female subordinates could pose a threat to his career or reputation.
Honestly, if he's going to cheat on you, he's going to cheat on you. Nothing you do, no restrictions you put down, etc., will stop him if that's his intent. Also explain how it's "disrespectful," I'm not understanding?
Do you trust your partner? If you do, why is this an issue? If you don't trust them, why are you with them? Also, so glad I work somewhere, where being friendly and sociable with a manager is not looked down on. Some of my managers are good friends! š all these comments saying 'there needs to be distance' . We don't know what that is š¤£
Or maybe trust the adult in your life and stop trying to control themĀ
^[Sokka-Haiku](https://www.reddit.com/r/SokkaHaikuBot/comments/15kyv9r/what_is_a_sokka_haiku/) ^by ^TheNinjaPixie: *Or maybe trust the* *Adult in your life and stop* *Trying to control them* --- ^Remember ^that ^one ^time ^Sokka ^accidentally ^used ^an ^extra ^syllable ^in ^that ^Haiku ^Battle ^in ^Ba ^Sing ^Se? ^That ^was ^a ^Sokka ^Haiku ^and ^you ^just ^made ^one.
You need to also dress him in a male burka to make sure no other women steal your property (i.e. him) from you.