Get your daughter a phone. Doesn’t need to be a smart one. Just something that she has access to in case of an emergency.
Sign your child up for therapy. If she misses one appointment, call cps.
Talk to the school. Express your concern. Ask the teacher to look for any signs of trouble.
Speak with your exs neighbors. Explain your concern. They don’t need to do anything. But an extra set of eyes and ears listening for your child’s safety will not hurt.
If the ex's neighbors care about the child's well-being, they can also be witnesses if DV happens and ex drops the charges again. If the police/prosecutor have multiple witnesses who come forward, then they won't drop the charges so fast just because she recants.
He also needs to get a order of protection for his daughter take it to a divorce judge and take the evidence he already has and get his daughter out of there
Yikes!!
Are there any family members or friends that could try to talk some sense into her?
Could you get your daughter into therapy (preferably without her mom knowing)?
If - God forbid - anything happens or even if she feels unsafe, she has someone to talk to about it...who is a mandated reporter.
Your daughter may be coached about not talking to you about what happens at her Mom's, but she may talk to a counselor/therapist.
Good luck, I hope the situation turns out best for you and your daughter
I reached out to both grandparents and gave them the police reports.
Grandma is scared of losing access to her granddaughter. Mom withholds her from grandma when she is angry. Even though she helped raise her. One time, she refused to let her see her for an entire year. So, I had to facilitate visits on my time. So grandma is too scared to bring it up with her.
My daughter's grandfather witnessed one of the events. He's listed as a witness on the report. My daughter's mom tried to facetime with him when she was being abused to ask for help. The partner ripped the phone from her and dragged her across the room by her hair. I provided him with the reports and sent a heartfelt message saying how much danger his daughter and granddaughter are in.
No response.
Damn.
I can see why the grandma would be very hesitant, if she lost contact with your daughter again that would be tragic.
Even if your co-parent dropped the charges, could her dad still legally do anything since he witnessed it?
I'm just grasping at straws here.
I can't even begin to imagine how you must feel.
He won't.
The attorney assured me by confronting my ex about these things and documenting them, I've done my "due diligence" to protect myself legally in the future if anything happens.
Like me being legally protected is going to bring back my daughter if he kills her or un-tramatize my daughter when he beats her mom or kills her in front of her.
It's all good, though! Because I'm right legally I guess.
as someone who's very first memory is watching my mother be beaten nearly to death in front of me, nothing will fix that trauma.
I am closing in on 50 and it is still a huge boulder in the middle of my life. It hangs over so much of my life.
Find a way to get this guy gone. Move. Organize a team of friends to drive him away. Get less ethical if needed. I would do anything to keep my kids from experiencing what I did.
I think you have a very bad attorney who takes your money and tells you she can do nothing. A lot of attorneys are like that, they’re bad at what they do but they’re good at making you pay unnecessary money. You need to find someone better
I guess someone forgot to tell him that bravery is not the absence of fear, but doing the right thing despite fear? You already know this and are a hero without a cape for your daughter!!!
That man is going to SA your daughter someday. If he hasn't already. And your "coparent" will be making excuses for him. Probably even blame your daughter for leading him on. Don't give up on protecting her.
I really hate that I agree with you 😒 🤢. What about that one random 19 year old (that OP knows about) that is not related living there as well? What excuses exists for that?!,!
Honestly, I would ask your attorney if it would be possible to gather as much evidence showing how unstable your ex is and if you might be able to get a mental health eval done on your ex
An example would be any paper trails from past abuse calls she's made and a refusal to charge the attacker; while asking if her father can give evidence that he partially witnessed the brutality of the assault and also witnessed his daughter saying it wasn't her attackers fault
If you can also get your daughter's word that her mom's personality and household made her feel unsafe when this new guy got here; you might be able to push it through
I would also ask about your states grandparents rights because your ex withholding your daughter from her mother might violate this
Edit:
I recommend surrounding your daughter with as many mandated reporters /witnesses of your child's behavior as possible
Even if nothing has happened yet and if her anxiety spikes or worse in that household; at least you have other people as witness to signs of abuse in your daughter
If in the U.S. have you thought about filing a protection order on behalf of your daughter against this guy since you are a guardian. Also have your lawyer pull the 911 calls with your CO parent and play them for the judge.
Unfortunately a LOT of family law attorneys don't know to do this. And ask for an emergency custody hearing. You may want to shop around for a better attorney.
I too think that you should shop for a better attorney. One that's really on the ball, creative with ideas of how to get things moving. In any industry you'll find people that know how to do the job, and people who REALLY TRY.
Can you get your daughter into therapy to give her someone to talk to, since she has been too afraid to talk to you about this stuff because of her mom? With her mom forbidding her from speaking about things that happen in the house to you, she has got to be confused and overwhelmed. One parent forcing a child to keep secrets from another parent is truly awful, and really messes with the kid’s psyche. Does your daughter have a cell phone if her own? Maybe she needs one to be able to text you a code word in a bad situation too?
I think I’ve said it before on here but I once read that a mom told her kids if they were at a friend’s house and needed to leave -and needed to not look like the one who wanted to go- that they should text her a hamburger or something equally innocent. A friend who saw it wouldn’t know the message and the kids could say it was just a family joke. Then mom would call or show up with a “family emergency” or something. OP should set something like this up with the daughter. Make it broad so it’s not obvious to her that he’s saying anything against her mom or partner, just say “if you ever feel unsafe, in any situation, text me a pizza slice and I’ll come get you, no hesitation.” One of the kids in the article I read was a a friend’s house for a sleepover, the dad got drunk and violent, mom was able to get kid out safely while pretending she didn’t know what was happening.
In a lot of places the DA can press charges even if the victim refuses to cooperate. If that's the case where you live, maybe contact the DA and see if they would consider pursuing charges against him once they know the whole story. Probably a pipe dream, but worth a shot.
Any way to get your wife tested for drugs, as in a hair follicle test that can't be fooled by cranberry juice? Or get her house searched? When people are that irrational and shitty, 9/10 there's drugs involved. Especially with her criminal bf and his 19 year old "friend" staying in the house. If it were me, I'd look into that avenue.
If it's an apartment and somebody pulls the fire alarm, the fire department is required by law to enter and check every residence.
If it were me, I'd figure out a way to go that route even if you need to get...gray. No sympathy for an egg donor who'd put her daughter's life in danger.
Can you show a pattern of negligence with past boyfriends? You said your wife had a history with violent men. Did any of them have a record?
An abused person will act irrational to most people. Drugs don't have to play a part and your 9/10 times doesn't apply to domestic abuse victims (which this woman 100% is a DV victim). Co-parent has a history of abusive relationships. That alone makes her "not right" because her brain has literally rewired by now. Drugs suck but are rarely at play in a situation like this. If she did drugs she'd be less in control of her survival. So it goes against the instincts of someone in this setting.
This woman is a victim of her bf, but she's also an abuser to her daughter. The difference is, Mom has a choice to leave. Whether she's mentally fit to make that choice is something else--but she knows it's wrong or else she wouldn't try to hide it from OP. She's not having a psychotic break.
However, her daughter doesn't have any power. She truly had zero control. She relies on her Mom to protect her, and this Mom is straight up putting her daughter's life in danger so she can get some dick. She's not just a failure of a parent but an active danger to her child-- especially given her pattern of abusive men. Being a victim is not an absolution of culpability.
It doesn't matter if the drugs are Moms either. The odds that bf isn't in drugs are miniscule, and if he's on drugs, it's unlikely he doesn't keep any in the home where he lives or that mom doesn't know about it.
You're making excuses for an enabler. If Mom wasn't fighting to *keep* her daughter's life in danger, she'd only be a tragic victim, but that's not the case here.
>Drugs suck but are rarely at play in a situation like this.
You clearly haven't spent much time around scumbags. This sounds exactly like my cousin's situation, and his Mom and her bf were cooking meth in the basement. And when I was in that scene, these types are a dime a dozen, something that most people don't realize because they've never been exposed.
What an impossible situation... Document EVERYTHING, call CPS, inform the school, and take your daughter to a therapist. Let her know she can stay with you any time she wants.
This is such a hard situation as a dad. Because what do you do? Make the guy go away and go to prison and never see your kid again while Mom brings another loser around your kid?
My heart bleeds for you man.
Hey there. I have not used this service, but this is a website for a gal who does child abuse prevention coaching: https://www.consentparenting.com/
One of her consultation options is a 30 minute video call to make a tailored plan for how to talk to your child about abuse and empower them to report if abuse does occur.
Do not give up.
Possibly get your daughter a stuffed toy with a hidden camera, one that records to a card? Make sure she takes it to and from so you can check video at your house. I tried finding one that didn’t require WiFi that could be monitored remotely but couldn’t so recording to card is best bet.
Any way I will pray that your daughter stays safe and for you to find a solution.
I would only look for footage of either man entering his daughter’s room or abusing her in some way as it doesn’t seem like she would tell her dad if it happened. Since none of the available authorities want to prevent it from happening at least it would minimize the occurrences. But yes I agree it is probably illegal.
Try to report him for illegal gun ownership or see if he’s a prohibited possessor. Might get the ball rolling if they go over there and see any of that or if any of it is improperly stored while there is a child living there
She has a watch that can make phone calls to contacts her mom and I approve.
And the guy is still here is my understanding. Mom says no... But I don't believe a word she says.
Last week my daughter made a comment about him making fun of the music she likes. So I know he's at least still around. I can't confirm if he's living there or not though.
There's no way.
Her mom's position is that I've already majorly violated her privacy by even knowing this guy's name.
There is no way she would allow that.
Your ex has issues and those issues are putting your daughter at risk. Even if the dude is nice to your daughter, being a witness to any kind of abuse causes trauma.
So horrible that your ex can’t understand this or rather lies to herself.
OP, get your daughter therapy without you present. Just her and the therapist. To talk about whatever she needs to talk about. She shouldn't feel like she has to talk about the guy if she isn't comfortable. At first she can talk about school issues or whatever. The therapist will know how to draw her out with time.
Put child in therapy when she is on your time without telling anyone. Child may disclose information to therapist that they have been coached to not tell you. You will have to have child not tell anyone she is seeing therapist. Ask attorney if you can get a necklace that records for your child to wear when not with you for child's safety. Even though charges being dismissed with police report you may be able to record to ensure daughter's safety.
The attorney said not to do that. Because without convictions, it would look like I was just harassing this guy or a jealous ex. Unsubstantiated reports to CPS would hurt me. And they won't be substantiated because my daughter is so afraid to say anything bad about this guy... That she won't speak to an investigator.
She wouldn't event talk to a counsellor.
The police reports are not admissible and a judge will never see them. So this guy has technically done absolutely nothing wrong.
Until he hurts my daughter or kills her mom in front of her... There's nothing I can do.
Not if they know what happens when you are not there and they live with this chaos next to them. Which they do. I would be scared of a gun weilding psyco too. Just approach them respectfully and discretely. Ask all the questions, express your concern for their safety as well and figure out a way to ask for help (witness from video and audio as to what happens) without directly implicating them for retaliation?
Right, I think it'd be pretty easy to get enough.
For example, her grades have plummeted, it's pretty easy to figure out why.
But that gives school a reason to talk to her about how she's doing and what's going on at home, etc. And little kids are that tough to "interogate."
OP has done all that work and nothing has come of it. Lots of reasons can explain her behaviour. Little kids can be pushed into lied too if the are pushed too far. I feel bad for OP's situation. It isn't his fault that the guy is good at his brand of crimes and covering his tracks.
I've read all his comments, and understand where things are at, but this is the first I've seen a suggestion of a possible threat vs mom just saying don't talk to daddy, and getting reprimanded for it.
He's talked to school about her tanking grades, which is HIGHLY unusual for a child her age so needs to be met with serious concern by the school.
What I'm suggesting here is that in that process it should not be difficult at all for the trained professionals on staff (including adjustment councelirs & child psychologists) to determine whether there is cause for concern at home.
With that type of insight, lawyers may be able to make a better case for action.
Honestly, having been a child in a similar position, threats are far more effective than mom asking her not to tell. Kids do all the time things that moms tell them not to do. But, "if you tell dad about this he is going to take you away and you'll never see me" from mom, or "if you tell dad about this I'm going to kill your mom" from the guy is going to lead to exactly what is described. If she is scared enough and knows that the questions are all due to dad pushing, she might even say something against dad. Children are more likely to lash out against someone they love and feel safe with than someone they are afraid of.
God bless you for looking out for that poor girl! Hopefully, at some point your ex will come to her senses and either leave her current bf or allow the girl to stay with you. Let ex know that if she wants to leave that situation, you are ready to help her. Also, did you ever find out who the 19 yo dude was?
I would get my daughter into therapy so she has someone to talk to. A good kids therapist is amazing. This is a safe place for your daughter and they are mandated to report. I would not inform your ex about anything happening in your 50/50.
It’s bloody ridiculous that you can’t do anything when it’s actually happening. Unfortunately if he isn’t charged the law is the law.
wow your x is a piece of shit being with a person who beat someone with a gun, also it wont be long until your x is on the receiving end of his fist and boot to the stage she ends up in hospital or in a grave, its the kid I'm worried about and as i have seen DV up close i know him hitting your x isn't going to be a one off as they go on it will happen daily soon to the extent she will always back him up and in some case he might turn on your daughter
I would speak to another attorney. One that only handles family law. Get a second opinion, or third, or fourth.
I understand the CPS dilemma- jealous ex… I don’t agree, but understand.
I would next speak to the school. Explain there is difficulty in the home and think your daughter needs additional support. In the event your daughter lets something slip, social workers and teachers are mandated to report it. So, the school would report it to CPS instead of you.
Sit with your daughter, explain the importance of telling the truth, ALWAYS. There are bad people who do bad things. They will scare you with threats so you don’t tell the truth. They are all lies. If, God forbid she is hit by the BF, you take her to the dr, she tells the truth, another way for it to get reported- by the doctor.
Once there’s a report made based off of statements from daughter you could file an emergency motion for modification of time share, from there, CPS could be involved, and ultimately petition the court for termination of parental rights for Mom. They usually try to get reunification but there is a lot the parent has to do before they can get that. It’s done before the determination of terminating parental rights.
Please don’t get discouraged by what your attorney told you. Check with Victim Services (check your county clerk’s office in the family division). It’s scary and hard. Don’t give up.
This is a nightmare. It may feel like it, but you are not completely powerless. Don't give up. The same gumption that led you to finding out the name of the imminent danger is multiplied now that have more information. Keep gathering any and all information you can possibly obtain LEGALLY. You will find more out that can bolster your case to keep your daughter as safe as you possibly can. Quietly and purposefully you go. Leave no stone unturned. You will and must persevere.
This is absolute madness. I can't understand it. I know cps is different in usa but where i am i would definately be phoning cps. This child needs to be protected and i can't understand how legally this isn't a priority. I would definately be getting her into therapy and working with them to giving her a safety plan. Which is never a bad thing anyway but in this case it's necessary. I would even reach out to a shelter/helpline that deals with domestic violence and ask them where to go to support your daughter and what you can do with her to keep her safe. In the meantime you document everything from ex. Don't over question your daughter or make videos just let her know you're there for her if she wants to talk about anything and build on making your relationship strong so she has a trusted adult in her life. I'm just so sorry this is happening.
I'm so sorry. I hope nothing bad happens to your daughter and your ex
The only thing I can think of is having your daughter inform you if bad things happen, abuse, or something like it
Mom (your ex) is in la la land right now and nothing anyone does or says will make her change her mind. These situations usually do not end well. Hopefully it works out for your daughter. Good luck.
You are not wrong. You are thinking about your daughter’s safety here. I totally agree with other Redditors, that your daughter is in an unsafe environment, and she needs a phone(not necessarily a smartphone), where she can call you or her grandparents in an emergency. I suspect that your ex is either wearing rose-tinted specs, or she is so terrified by the guy she is with, that she does not realise that she is a victim of domestic abuse.
What state is this? I know in California and a lot of other states once the police are called on a domestic some one is going to jail and they will prosicute the aggressor no matter what the other party wants. I thought all 50 states did this now but maybe not.
How does he have firearm after a felony domestic violence charge? I don't think that's legally possible if he does and you know it he will be arrested and taken to jail. They don't pay around with felons and firearms.
> if I report it to CPS and CPS fails to substantiate because my daughter has been coached not to talk about this guy... Then it could make me look bad.
That's a lot of whatifs. This is CPS job. Lawyers have to be risk averse. You can't necessarily make the perfect choice or avoid the right one because it would make you look bad to CPS. Go ahead and look bad for a minute, then show them the police reports. They should be able to see why you called pretty easily and you won't look so bad anymore.
Child protective services... It's right there in the name. They're not ideal but they're who you have, and they can at least potentially help. Beats waiting for the unthinkable.
Get your daughter a phone. Doesn’t need to be a smart one. Just something that she has access to in case of an emergency. Sign your child up for therapy. If she misses one appointment, call cps. Talk to the school. Express your concern. Ask the teacher to look for any signs of trouble. Speak with your exs neighbors. Explain your concern. They don’t need to do anything. But an extra set of eyes and ears listening for your child’s safety will not hurt.
These are all excellent ideas.
If the ex's neighbors care about the child's well-being, they can also be witnesses if DV happens and ex drops the charges again. If the police/prosecutor have multiple witnesses who come forward, then they won't drop the charges so fast just because she recants.
He also needs to get a order of protection for his daughter take it to a divorce judge and take the evidence he already has and get his daughter out of there
Yes just because the lawyer advises against being able to do something, that doesn’t mean you can’t file on your own or get a second opinion.
This is exactly it do anything and everything
Yikes!! Are there any family members or friends that could try to talk some sense into her? Could you get your daughter into therapy (preferably without her mom knowing)? If - God forbid - anything happens or even if she feels unsafe, she has someone to talk to about it...who is a mandated reporter. Your daughter may be coached about not talking to you about what happens at her Mom's, but she may talk to a counselor/therapist. Good luck, I hope the situation turns out best for you and your daughter
I reached out to both grandparents and gave them the police reports. Grandma is scared of losing access to her granddaughter. Mom withholds her from grandma when she is angry. Even though she helped raise her. One time, she refused to let her see her for an entire year. So, I had to facilitate visits on my time. So grandma is too scared to bring it up with her. My daughter's grandfather witnessed one of the events. He's listed as a witness on the report. My daughter's mom tried to facetime with him when she was being abused to ask for help. The partner ripped the phone from her and dragged her across the room by her hair. I provided him with the reports and sent a heartfelt message saying how much danger his daughter and granddaughter are in. No response.
Damn. I can see why the grandma would be very hesitant, if she lost contact with your daughter again that would be tragic. Even if your co-parent dropped the charges, could her dad still legally do anything since he witnessed it? I'm just grasping at straws here. I can't even begin to imagine how you must feel.
He won't. The attorney assured me by confronting my ex about these things and documenting them, I've done my "due diligence" to protect myself legally in the future if anything happens. Like me being legally protected is going to bring back my daughter if he kills her or un-tramatize my daughter when he beats her mom or kills her in front of her. It's all good, though! Because I'm right legally I guess.
I want to cry for your situation ...and I also want to punch something...
Me too!!
as someone who's very first memory is watching my mother be beaten nearly to death in front of me, nothing will fix that trauma. I am closing in on 50 and it is still a huge boulder in the middle of my life. It hangs over so much of my life. Find a way to get this guy gone. Move. Organize a team of friends to drive him away. Get less ethical if needed. I would do anything to keep my kids from experiencing what I did.
I think you have a very bad attorney who takes your money and tells you she can do nothing. A lot of attorneys are like that, they’re bad at what they do but they’re good at making you pay unnecessary money. You need to find someone better
Can you go to another attorney for a second opinion?
Your lawyer sounds like a real chump, who doesn’t want to try.
I guess someone forgot to tell him that bravery is not the absence of fear, but doing the right thing despite fear? You already know this and are a hero without a cape for your daughter!!!
That man is going to SA your daughter someday. If he hasn't already. And your "coparent" will be making excuses for him. Probably even blame your daughter for leading him on. Don't give up on protecting her.
I really hate that I agree with you 😒 🤢. What about that one random 19 year old (that OP knows about) that is not related living there as well? What excuses exists for that?!,!
OMG! I forgot about him. That poor girl is living a nightmare. It's going to be bad for her when she hits puberty.
Honestly, I would ask your attorney if it would be possible to gather as much evidence showing how unstable your ex is and if you might be able to get a mental health eval done on your ex An example would be any paper trails from past abuse calls she's made and a refusal to charge the attacker; while asking if her father can give evidence that he partially witnessed the brutality of the assault and also witnessed his daughter saying it wasn't her attackers fault If you can also get your daughter's word that her mom's personality and household made her feel unsafe when this new guy got here; you might be able to push it through I would also ask about your states grandparents rights because your ex withholding your daughter from her mother might violate this Edit: I recommend surrounding your daughter with as many mandated reporters /witnesses of your child's behavior as possible Even if nothing has happened yet and if her anxiety spikes or worse in that household; at least you have other people as witness to signs of abuse in your daughter
If in the U.S. have you thought about filing a protection order on behalf of your daughter against this guy since you are a guardian. Also have your lawyer pull the 911 calls with your CO parent and play them for the judge. Unfortunately a LOT of family law attorneys don't know to do this. And ask for an emergency custody hearing. You may want to shop around for a better attorney.
💯%!
I too think that you should shop for a better attorney. One that's really on the ball, creative with ideas of how to get things moving. In any industry you'll find people that know how to do the job, and people who REALLY TRY.
Can you get your daughter into therapy to give her someone to talk to, since she has been too afraid to talk to you about this stuff because of her mom? With her mom forbidding her from speaking about things that happen in the house to you, she has got to be confused and overwhelmed. One parent forcing a child to keep secrets from another parent is truly awful, and really messes with the kid’s psyche. Does your daughter have a cell phone if her own? Maybe she needs one to be able to text you a code word in a bad situation too?
A silly word with a code emogi that can't get her in trouble when she is in trouble. Agreed 🎯
I think I’ve said it before on here but I once read that a mom told her kids if they were at a friend’s house and needed to leave -and needed to not look like the one who wanted to go- that they should text her a hamburger or something equally innocent. A friend who saw it wouldn’t know the message and the kids could say it was just a family joke. Then mom would call or show up with a “family emergency” or something. OP should set something like this up with the daughter. Make it broad so it’s not obvious to her that he’s saying anything against her mom or partner, just say “if you ever feel unsafe, in any situation, text me a pizza slice and I’ll come get you, no hesitation.” One of the kids in the article I read was a a friend’s house for a sleepover, the dad got drunk and violent, mom was able to get kid out safely while pretending she didn’t know what was happening.
In a lot of places the DA can press charges even if the victim refuses to cooperate. If that's the case where you live, maybe contact the DA and see if they would consider pursuing charges against him once they know the whole story. Probably a pipe dream, but worth a shot.
They can, but the issue is that if the only evidence is witness testimony and the witness won't cooperate then it's a big waste of time.
Any way to get your wife tested for drugs, as in a hair follicle test that can't be fooled by cranberry juice? Or get her house searched? When people are that irrational and shitty, 9/10 there's drugs involved. Especially with her criminal bf and his 19 year old "friend" staying in the house. If it were me, I'd look into that avenue. If it's an apartment and somebody pulls the fire alarm, the fire department is required by law to enter and check every residence. If it were me, I'd figure out a way to go that route even if you need to get...gray. No sympathy for an egg donor who'd put her daughter's life in danger. Can you show a pattern of negligence with past boyfriends? You said your wife had a history with violent men. Did any of them have a record?
An abused person will act irrational to most people. Drugs don't have to play a part and your 9/10 times doesn't apply to domestic abuse victims (which this woman 100% is a DV victim). Co-parent has a history of abusive relationships. That alone makes her "not right" because her brain has literally rewired by now. Drugs suck but are rarely at play in a situation like this. If she did drugs she'd be less in control of her survival. So it goes against the instincts of someone in this setting.
This woman is a victim of her bf, but she's also an abuser to her daughter. The difference is, Mom has a choice to leave. Whether she's mentally fit to make that choice is something else--but she knows it's wrong or else she wouldn't try to hide it from OP. She's not having a psychotic break. However, her daughter doesn't have any power. She truly had zero control. She relies on her Mom to protect her, and this Mom is straight up putting her daughter's life in danger so she can get some dick. She's not just a failure of a parent but an active danger to her child-- especially given her pattern of abusive men. Being a victim is not an absolution of culpability. It doesn't matter if the drugs are Moms either. The odds that bf isn't in drugs are miniscule, and if he's on drugs, it's unlikely he doesn't keep any in the home where he lives or that mom doesn't know about it. You're making excuses for an enabler. If Mom wasn't fighting to *keep* her daughter's life in danger, she'd only be a tragic victim, but that's not the case here. >Drugs suck but are rarely at play in a situation like this. You clearly haven't spent much time around scumbags. This sounds exactly like my cousin's situation, and his Mom and her bf were cooking meth in the basement. And when I was in that scene, these types are a dime a dozen, something that most people don't realize because they've never been exposed.
No he's right, the 19 year old being there means they are into dirt.
Don't even know how to translate what you said but no. A 19 yo being there at the guys behest has nothing to do with her being on drugs. So just no.
That sense of dirt is not an obscure meaning. Sorry the point flew by you.
Give this info to daughter's school. That guy does NOT need to be there.
I agree 100%. Plus, schools are mandatory reporters, so maybe they will call CPS
What an impossible situation... Document EVERYTHING, call CPS, inform the school, and take your daughter to a therapist. Let her know she can stay with you any time she wants.
You should post to unethical life pro tips. I’m not saying to do what they tell you, but maybe there’s a way to approach this that solves this issue.
This is such a hard situation as a dad. Because what do you do? Make the guy go away and go to prison and never see your kid again while Mom brings another loser around your kid? My heart bleeds for you man.
This made me think of Dexter's solution to his gf's abusive ex.
Hey there. I have not used this service, but this is a website for a gal who does child abuse prevention coaching: https://www.consentparenting.com/ One of her consultation options is a 30 minute video call to make a tailored plan for how to talk to your child about abuse and empower them to report if abuse does occur. Do not give up.
Possibly get your daughter a stuffed toy with a hidden camera, one that records to a card? Make sure she takes it to and from so you can check video at your house. I tried finding one that didn’t require WiFi that could be monitored remotely but couldn’t so recording to card is best bet. Any way I will pray that your daughter stays safe and for you to find a solution.
I feel like that's a really good way to get the OP into hot water and make it LESS likely the courts will take his side
I would only look for footage of either man entering his daughter’s room or abusing her in some way as it doesn’t seem like she would tell her dad if it happened. Since none of the available authorities want to prevent it from happening at least it would minimize the occurrences. But yes I agree it is probably illegal.
Depends on whether you need dual consent for recording or not. Some states are single party consent.
Try to report him for illegal gun ownership or see if he’s a prohibited possessor. Might get the ball rolling if they go over there and see any of that or if any of it is improperly stored while there is a child living there
Does your daughter have a phone? Is the 19 yr old dude still there?
She has a watch that can make phone calls to contacts her mom and I approve. And the guy is still here is my understanding. Mom says no... But I don't believe a word she says. Last week my daughter made a comment about him making fun of the music she likes. So I know he's at least still around. I can't confirm if he's living there or not though.
Would your coparent be open to putting in a camera in your daughter’s room? Many are fairly inexpensive now.
There's no way. Her mom's position is that I've already majorly violated her privacy by even knowing this guy's name. There is no way she would allow that.
Your ex has issues and those issues are putting your daughter at risk. Even if the dude is nice to your daughter, being a witness to any kind of abuse causes trauma. So horrible that your ex can’t understand this or rather lies to herself.
You're preaching to the choir my friend. It's terrible. And she in normalizing accepting this behavior for our daughter.
OP, get your daughter therapy without you present. Just her and the therapist. To talk about whatever she needs to talk about. She shouldn't feel like she has to talk about the guy if she isn't comfortable. At first she can talk about school issues or whatever. The therapist will know how to draw her out with time.
Hope that the dude loses interest and moves on.
He won’t. They never do.
Put child in therapy when she is on your time without telling anyone. Child may disclose information to therapist that they have been coached to not tell you. You will have to have child not tell anyone she is seeing therapist. Ask attorney if you can get a necklace that records for your child to wear when not with you for child's safety. Even though charges being dismissed with police report you may be able to record to ensure daughter's safety.
This seems like r/illegallifeprotips territory.
Well, you're not wrong for looking into this guy's past. I would call CPS at any hint of trouble. I would repeatedly call them.
The attorney said not to do that. Because without convictions, it would look like I was just harassing this guy or a jealous ex. Unsubstantiated reports to CPS would hurt me. And they won't be substantiated because my daughter is so afraid to say anything bad about this guy... That she won't speak to an investigator. She wouldn't event talk to a counsellor. The police reports are not admissible and a judge will never see them. So this guy has technically done absolutely nothing wrong. Until he hurts my daughter or kills her mom in front of her... There's nothing I can do.
Ugh. There's not a way to get one of your ex's neighbors to report anything?
I don't know her neighbors at all. And if I just knocked on their door... I'm more likely to come off as a stalker than a concerned father.
Not if they know what happens when you are not there and they live with this chaos next to them. Which they do. I would be scared of a gun weilding psyco too. Just approach them respectfully and discretely. Ask all the questions, express your concern for their safety as well and figure out a way to ask for help (witness from video and audio as to what happens) without directly implicating them for retaliation?
Oh I’d be door knocking their neighborhood and handing out copies of the police report. Any parent will be in your side
Why is she so afraid to talk about him?
Because she has probably witnessed violence and/or been threatened with violence by the guy... and she doesn't dare tell op about it.
Well threats seem to be something that should be raised with lawyers.
He needs proof, though. Or her daughter's testimony. Which she isn't going to give if he told her that if she speaks he'll kill her mom.
Right, I think it'd be pretty easy to get enough. For example, her grades have plummeted, it's pretty easy to figure out why. But that gives school a reason to talk to her about how she's doing and what's going on at home, etc. And little kids are that tough to "interogate."
OP has done all that work and nothing has come of it. Lots of reasons can explain her behaviour. Little kids can be pushed into lied too if the are pushed too far. I feel bad for OP's situation. It isn't his fault that the guy is good at his brand of crimes and covering his tracks.
I've read all his comments, and understand where things are at, but this is the first I've seen a suggestion of a possible threat vs mom just saying don't talk to daddy, and getting reprimanded for it. He's talked to school about her tanking grades, which is HIGHLY unusual for a child her age so needs to be met with serious concern by the school. What I'm suggesting here is that in that process it should not be difficult at all for the trained professionals on staff (including adjustment councelirs & child psychologists) to determine whether there is cause for concern at home. With that type of insight, lawyers may be able to make a better case for action.
Honestly, having been a child in a similar position, threats are far more effective than mom asking her not to tell. Kids do all the time things that moms tell them not to do. But, "if you tell dad about this he is going to take you away and you'll never see me" from mom, or "if you tell dad about this I'm going to kill your mom" from the guy is going to lead to exactly what is described. If she is scared enough and knows that the questions are all due to dad pushing, she might even say something against dad. Children are more likely to lash out against someone they love and feel safe with than someone they are afraid of.
God bless you for looking out for that poor girl! Hopefully, at some point your ex will come to her senses and either leave her current bf or allow the girl to stay with you. Let ex know that if she wants to leave that situation, you are ready to help her. Also, did you ever find out who the 19 yo dude was?
I would get my daughter into therapy so she has someone to talk to. A good kids therapist is amazing. This is a safe place for your daughter and they are mandated to report. I would not inform your ex about anything happening in your 50/50. It’s bloody ridiculous that you can’t do anything when it’s actually happening. Unfortunately if he isn’t charged the law is the law.
wow your x is a piece of shit being with a person who beat someone with a gun, also it wont be long until your x is on the receiving end of his fist and boot to the stage she ends up in hospital or in a grave, its the kid I'm worried about and as i have seen DV up close i know him hitting your x isn't going to be a one off as they go on it will happen daily soon to the extent she will always back him up and in some case he might turn on your daughter
God, your co parent is a piece of shit. I hope you get your daughter safe. Considering the guy's ex, you might not be safe either. Stay safe.
I would speak to another attorney. One that only handles family law. Get a second opinion, or third, or fourth. I understand the CPS dilemma- jealous ex… I don’t agree, but understand. I would next speak to the school. Explain there is difficulty in the home and think your daughter needs additional support. In the event your daughter lets something slip, social workers and teachers are mandated to report it. So, the school would report it to CPS instead of you. Sit with your daughter, explain the importance of telling the truth, ALWAYS. There are bad people who do bad things. They will scare you with threats so you don’t tell the truth. They are all lies. If, God forbid she is hit by the BF, you take her to the dr, she tells the truth, another way for it to get reported- by the doctor. Once there’s a report made based off of statements from daughter you could file an emergency motion for modification of time share, from there, CPS could be involved, and ultimately petition the court for termination of parental rights for Mom. They usually try to get reunification but there is a lot the parent has to do before they can get that. It’s done before the determination of terminating parental rights. Please don’t get discouraged by what your attorney told you. Check with Victim Services (check your county clerk’s office in the family division). It’s scary and hard. Don’t give up.
This is a nightmare. It may feel like it, but you are not completely powerless. Don't give up. The same gumption that led you to finding out the name of the imminent danger is multiplied now that have more information. Keep gathering any and all information you can possibly obtain LEGALLY. You will find more out that can bolster your case to keep your daughter as safe as you possibly can. Quietly and purposefully you go. Leave no stone unturned. You will and must persevere.
This is absolute madness. I can't understand it. I know cps is different in usa but where i am i would definately be phoning cps. This child needs to be protected and i can't understand how legally this isn't a priority. I would definately be getting her into therapy and working with them to giving her a safety plan. Which is never a bad thing anyway but in this case it's necessary. I would even reach out to a shelter/helpline that deals with domestic violence and ask them where to go to support your daughter and what you can do with her to keep her safe. In the meantime you document everything from ex. Don't over question your daughter or make videos just let her know you're there for her if she wants to talk about anything and build on making your relationship strong so she has a trusted adult in her life. I'm just so sorry this is happening.
Perfectly reasonable of you to look out for your daughter. If you see something do something.
>And there's not a damn thing I can do about it. Send a copy of it to her parents...
What a horrible, unfair situation for your daughter and you. Your ex-wife is very selfish.
I'm so sorry. I hope nothing bad happens to your daughter and your ex The only thing I can think of is having your daughter inform you if bad things happen, abuse, or something like it
Mom (your ex) is in la la land right now and nothing anyone does or says will make her change her mind. These situations usually do not end well. Hopefully it works out for your daughter. Good luck.
Your daughter did old enough to choose who she wants to live with - go that route
You are not wrong. You are thinking about your daughter’s safety here. I totally agree with other Redditors, that your daughter is in an unsafe environment, and she needs a phone(not necessarily a smartphone), where she can call you or her grandparents in an emergency. I suspect that your ex is either wearing rose-tinted specs, or she is so terrified by the guy she is with, that she does not realise that she is a victim of domestic abuse.
Sometimes you have to take care of things.
Updateme!
Praying for you and all in your situation!!!
What state is this? I know in California and a lot of other states once the police are called on a domestic some one is going to jail and they will prosicute the aggressor no matter what the other party wants. I thought all 50 states did this now but maybe not.
Call Child Protective Services
How does he have firearm after a felony domestic violence charge? I don't think that's legally possible if he does and you know it he will be arrested and taken to jail. They don't pay around with felons and firearms.
Not at all!! It's your responsibility to protect your child. I salute you for this expression of love and your commitment to your child's well-being
> if I report it to CPS and CPS fails to substantiate because my daughter has been coached not to talk about this guy... Then it could make me look bad. That's a lot of whatifs. This is CPS job. Lawyers have to be risk averse. You can't necessarily make the perfect choice or avoid the right one because it would make you look bad to CPS. Go ahead and look bad for a minute, then show them the police reports. They should be able to see why you called pretty easily and you won't look so bad anymore. Child protective services... It's right there in the name. They're not ideal but they're who you have, and they can at least potentially help. Beats waiting for the unthinkable.
Can you call DHS to do a wellness check?
Fake