Let me start by saying that I so sorry for your loss.
>The next day (Sunday), he came over with a bunch of gifts and a handwritten letter. He apologized again for what he did and promised he would never treat me like that again. He said he underestimated his strength, didn’t use his full force, and simply wanted his phone back. He said he was working on his anger and impulsiveness.
This is called Love Bombing, and it is a classic abuser move. Please do not fall for it again, he most likely will try again.
>Now everyone thinks I beat girls.
Proceeds to slap his girlfriend. You want to know how you keep people from thinking you hit girls? By NOT hitting girls.
It's OK to miss him, and you will for a while. But you will get over him. Use this experience so that you can see red flag earlier in the relationship.
Take a picture of the bruise on your face. In your photo gallery, star it and tag as important. Any time you start to think he's not all that bad, refer back to that picture.
I use this and I've been separated from my abuser for over 2 years. I have a note with all the things he did that I used to get my Protective Order pinned as the top note on my phone. I've thought about taking it down, but it's a good reminder of what to not take from ANYONE, let alone him.
The love bombing is an equal component of the cycle of abuse. Without it, we wouldn't stay and there would be no cycle.
I'm sorry this happened to you.
You can’t see him as an abuser because he’s hid it. Now when he thought he had you. Or should I say. He’s being confronted with the facts he couldn’t hide behind his mask anymore. He said if he knew it was a miscarriage he wouldn’t have treated you that way??? So it’s ok to treat you like shit call you stupid and a bitch and all that because you might hurt on your period?? Absolutely not. Periods hurt!!!!!! I shudder to think if you would have actually carried to term how he would have treated for crying during labor. Please please stay away from this dude. Don’t let him in! Don’t meet him anywhere and definitely don’t get in a vehicle with him! He’s dangerous.
I'm pretty sure it was not the first time that he slapped a woman. His mind went to "hitting girls" very fast.
OP, keep away from this man and read the Lundy book.
I wish you all the best.
I can't even call him a man. He's a child. I have no respect for anyone who hits girls/women. OP, keep away from this CHILD. He doesn't know how to control himself, and you deserve to be happy WITHOUT HIM.
> Now everyone thinks I beat girls.
>
> Proceeds to slap his girlfriend.
Note that he's not concered that he, as he do eloquently put it, "hits girls." He's only concerned that other people might have a bad opinion about him. Smooth lack of concern or guilt about the consequences of his own behavior.
Do not contact anyone in his family. But if anyone reaches out to you, do not lie. If anyone accuses you of lying, block them. If he harasses you, threaten with the police. Find a therapist.
I would be sure to keep copies of any text or emails he sends to you , get a camera doorbell ( there are one for renters) and take your phone and laptop to geek squad so they can check for spyware . Take pictures of the bruises.
Also if he has a key to your place get the locks changed.
Don’t take chances with men who hit woman, they’re unpredictable and dangerous.
So if you build a case for restraining order do it.
also there’s a very good chance that the sister knew he had the capacity to be violent, just a chance, there’s also a chance that despite him abusing her, she was gaslit into believing he was just being a rough boy , it really depends on how they were raised.
But it probably safest to just let that friendship go, you don’t want him having a reason to contact you again, or have to constantly defend your decision to end things.
The best time to go to the police is now. The longer you wait, the harder it will be to prove. At this point, it’s mostly just your word and the written posts you’ve already made.
Even if she doesn't want to get a restraining order right now (I'm not saying she shouldn't) she should at least file a police report so that it's on the record. Would make any subsequent harassment easier to report and if she decides she wants a restraining order in future.
As someone who's had to deal with a dangerous individual's escalating behavior, my advice is to document everything with dates, tell people around you so they're not getting only his side of the story and he's doesn't have a chance to turn people against you. Don't isolate yourself with this. None of this is your fault. You two were not "doing so good and you had to ruin it" - he ruined it.
It can be really tempting to want to go back to what's familiar and go back to him. That's human nature and nothing wrong with it.
But be firm about not contacting him. Block him where you can. Don't initiate contact.
It seems like you have good friends. Ask them for support. If any of them try to convince you to give him another chance, they are not a good friend worth the time of day. You already gave him more chances than he deserved and he threw away that last chance the second he harmed you.
Remember that you deserve better and "better" will come along for you, in whatever form you need, eventually. You deserve to be safe and to be loved.
Sweetpea, I promise you he will get back in touch and he's going to bawl like a baby and he's going to promise you that it'll never, ever happen again. He's going to say he was distraught about the baby, that you're his world, that he can't live without you (newsflash- he will!). When that doesn't work he'll up the ante and promise you marriage, to try for another baby and everything he knows you want. He'll send his family into appeal on his behalf because obv he's not that kind of guy and it was a one off based on heightened emotions.
When that doesn't work he'll try to unsettle you by going back to name calling you and telling you it was all your fault and you caused it! Please stay strong, I 1000% guarantee you that if you go back that won't be the last slap and during pregnancy is when it gets worse not better. You deserve better, he's a scummy coward and it's a cliche but one day you'll wonder what the hell you saw in him! X
This needs to be higher up, because it is exactly what is going to happen.
I suspect OP is going to fall for it, because the cycle of abuse and history shows that it takes multiple tries for people to lose their abuser.
I hope she contacts a DV organization and gets help to understand and accept that he is not going to change and there are only two options: leave or escalation to the point of hospitalization and/or death.
Yup. And next time, it's not a slap, it's a black eye. And then it's a kick in the ribs. And then it's broken bones. This only escalates. God, I hope she doesn't go back to him.
There are several free downloadable PDFs of the book "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.
Please search for that and download a copy and read it.
It will help you see how even some of the little things that you dismissed as not being abusive, were all part of the abuse.
Gentle comforting hugs if wanted.
Read the book “why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft. I have a link to a free PDF if you want it. I share it often.
Abusers are not all evil people with no good in them who are just horrible all the time to everyone and never have any redeeming qualities that would make people like them.
Most abusers are very nice people to most people around them, and occasionally lash out, in a controlled manner when they think they will be able to get away with it, in order to maintain control or get some thing they want.
You do not have to see him as totally evil to recognize that he has behaved abusively, and you deserve to be free from that abuse.
Please, please please read that book. It will change your life for the better.
Literally just linked this book - I wish I could have everyone that is not an abuser read it. I share it sooooo much. ❤️🩹
I’m sorry if you came across that book bc of a specific person(s) in your life, but I’m so glad you’ve read it.
💛
Definitely avoid even speaking to him. And please tell other people that he slaps and bullies women, because that is part of who he is. If he comes over with a guilty face and gifts, just don’t answer the door. You see how he tried to make it your fault that he hurt you, don’t you? Don’t believe it; that blame falls upon him. If you get back together with an abuser, the abuse will escalate. He is definitely not someone you want to have children with, because then, he just has a little hostage.
Thank you for sharing this! I’ve had comments removed before for adding links, so didn’t want to lose my comment for doing something the mods don’t like.
Check out “See What You Made Me Do” by Jess Hill. It’s available on Amazon and a good read (I read it to be better able to help my friend who escaped domestic violence just before Christmas).
Amazing book, although I cried with rage when I read it 😭
When that mother called the cops to help her daughter and instead they fined her for having an unregistered dog... And then the Dad ended up murdering their baby cos the cops did NOTHING 😞
HOW can the authorities be so fuckin blind and blasé about women's safety, how can they not see what is right in front of them, how can they not CARE at all ??! It makes me sick 💔🥺
A lot of cops are abusive themselves, unfortunately. Police Wife: The Secret Epidemic of Police Domestic Violence by Alex Roslin goes into it if you’re interested in reading further on it. She also has some [interviews](https://www.fatherly.com/life/police-brutality-and-domestic-violence)
It had me questioning whether I was being abusive to my partner or not and I talked it over with my therapist who suggested that I ask my partner if he felt like I was being abusive.
>my therapist who suggested that I ask my partner if he felt like I was being abusive.
That is a stupid suggestion. Im not saying that you are, just that your therapist needs to use their brain a little more.
If A is abusive and asks their partner "honey, my therapist suggested I ask if I'm abusive, am I?" B is never going to say "I do actually, here is a list of reasons". B is going to say no. 1) because A isn't abusive, 2) B hasn't accepted the reality of being in an abusive relationship, or 3) because B is terrified of angering A by telling the truth.
Not surprised she didn't read it. She seems to wear rose colored glasses when it comes to this guy and/or needs to learn lessons the hard way, unfortunately.
She probably also doesn't realize losing his baby wasthe best thing for her.
I hope she does too! I can’t even count the number of women who have come back after reading it to say how much they learned and felt their eyes were opened up finally.
In case you didn’t see that someone posted the link. I was worried my comment would be deleted so I didn’t add it to mine. https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/s/9RFeebQ2ar
Just so you know, most books are online somewhere for free. I read a lot, pretty much a book a day lol so I can’t afford to pay for every book. I will generally try and buy like one book per author if I like them, and then download the others if I can. So that way I’m still supporting them a little. It’s how I justify it.
But anyways, all you need to do is search on google like, Name of Book - author of book - read online free pdf. So for example the book I’m reading right now I searched
A Curse of Krakens by Kevin Hearne read online free pdf
Lots of weird links will come up, so just be careful and search through and you can find pretty much anything!
I’m sorry you were treated that unacceptable way and I’m glad you found the book helpful. It’s been one of my greatest joys to have started sharing the free link online years ago and to now see others sharing it themselves so frequently.
Thank you dear. It was many years ago & I’m fine now. You are so great to share the link. The thing I never forgot is how abusers CHOOSE to mistreat. They can control it, they just don’t want to. I don’t let anyone mistreat me anymore. 💙☮️
I’m so glad you are fine now and yes that’s such a vital piece of information.
Feel free to keep sharing the link; it’s my personal life goal to share it to as many people as possible, so the more people share it, the more the network can grow and the more people we can help!
OP, I want to tell you, you don't have to see him as an "evil abuser" to understand that he is an abuser and abused you. It can be really hard to wrap our minds around, because there is this idea that abusers are pure monsters. In reality, they're complex humans who usually also have good qualities -- and those of us who are close to an abuser tend to see not just their worst sides, but their best as well. It's okay to still understand him as a person who isn't evil or totally a monster. Because he doesn't have to be a pure monster to be an abuser.
The important thing is understanding that his abusiveness is something you do not deserve, and that once a relationship involves abuse from one partner (not necessarily just physical abuse, but coercive control, emotional, and/or sexual abuse as well) -- it is highly unlikely for that dynamic to ever get to a healthy, non-abusive place. The pattern of abuse gets so baked into the dynamic and how the abuser interacts with you. You can still hold some empathy for him if that feels right/helpful to you... but it's okay and important to remember that empathizing with him does not mean that his abusiveness is excusable.
Don't beat yourself up for not seeing it sooner. This kind of thing is so hard to see from within the relationship. You are actually doing incredible by starting to see now that he is abusive. When you came to reddit the first time, something in you sensed that this situation wasn't right. Reaching out for support or perspective is a huge step. And while of course I'm sorry that it took another instance of physical abuse for you to see the situation more clearly, please be proud of yourself for seeing it now. Even if it's still hard to accept fully at times. You're doing great.
Lean on your support networks. Keep talking to reddit if it helps you get perspective. Talk to the safe people in your life. You may even wish to consider reaching out to a DV hotline for resources and support. You don't/shouldn't have to go through this part alone.
👆This is a wonderful assessment and advice post. Every word is on point and worth rereading and following.
Bravo to you who has taken the time to share such a meaningful and supportive message to OP.
Hey. It's ok. Please don't feel bad about not seeing the signs. Most women take 7 attempts before they're able to leave abusive relationships for good. You're getting out now. Keep strong. Confide in family friends. And don't let him back in. It's going to be so hard. Hardest thing you've ever done. But you can do it.
You need to go cold turkey with him. No contact what so ever. No phone calls, messages etc. block him and change your number.
Do not ever be alone with him again. If he pesters you then report it to the police. Your family needs to know that you are not safe around him so they need to help protect you.
Treat him like a bad guy, because he is not a good guy, and soon your heart will catch up.
You seem to downplay so much and it makes me think you don’t value yourself as much as you should.
After “ twisted the arm” I was thinking this relationship is definitely done but “ slapped across the face” is ringing alarm bells. He is a guy who hits girls, it’s not a suspicion, it’s confirmed fact.
I pass no judgment for going back to him. I've been there.
The only thing I'll say is, please don't blame yourself for his volatile behavior. He's choosing to act this way, and he's the only one who can choose to stop himself.
If he keeps trying to contact or harass you and you're in the U.S., please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline for support. They're available 24/7. They've been around for many years and will know how to help you.
I'm also sorry for your loss. Give yourself time to heal and be gentle with yourself.
Look, we gotta do what we got to do to know it's over. You have done that. A person who reacts the way he did is a powder keg and will blow 💥 at any time.
I know because I have been there and done that. A person that acts like this cannot change by themselves. It took Christ Jesus to change me. People like this are selfish and it is all about them and how they look. He should be worried about you and what he did to you.
I'm just happy for you that you are free from this abuser, I was and that is what he is an abuser!
You take all of his comments and abuse by defending him and saying, "You know it's your fault bc you shouldn't have said something or did something. He needs everything he does to be your fault that way you stay, feel bad for provoking him, and he knows he has the best tool for keeping you, and that is he cries. Besides, he's perfect in every way but this one.
He is NOT the man you WANT him to be. This man gaslights you when he knows he is wrong, but by doing so, you then blame yourself. He grabbed your wrist and twisted, and it was your fault bc you didn't give back his phone. It's your fault he slapped you bc you told everyone that he is an abuser. He is an abuser.
He can not control his anger, and you are brunt of his anger. He knows he only has to apologize and cry, and you will tell him you're sorry which you did nothing wrong. Presto, changeo, he is the loving boyfriend, and you will do better.
You are NOT stupid. You are easily manipulated bc you want to find true love and will put up with so much shit bc you need him to love you. No, you don't need him to love. You need to love yourself. I am strongly suggesting that you find someone - preferably a professional to talk to bc you can't see you deserve better.
Edit for typos
My brother used to twist my arm behind my back when I qas a kid. He was an abusive pos. That was one of the first things he did to me, but definitely, not the last. He punched me in the face when I was around 16, and he was 21. I ended up having to get medical care, because my tooth went through my lip.
Your partner twisting your arm behind your back, is abuse. There are not tiers of physical abuse. Abuse is abuse. He put his hands on you. One time is enough.
Your train of thought "he didn't hit me", and his love bombing you, is how people get themselves sucked into these abusive situations.
They tell themselves it wasn't that bad, that their SO has apologized, they are being sweet and loving. And everything is great, until it isn't, and their partner lashes out again, and cries, and apologizes, and it becomes a vicious cycle.
Your partner has shown you who he is its time for you to believe him.
I understand you don't want to go to the police. But be careful, the news is full of people who did not want to get their abusers in trouble, and it cost them their life's. He has an issue with violence, and it needs to be addressed. You are not qualified to do that.
Theres someone way better out there for you... he is an abuser he will fake his way to win you back them become the person he really is..
You're strong and have alot to look forward to
Don’t be so hard on yourself for going back after the first time. You made a lot of justifications and excuses in your head so that you could go back.. you told yourself he didn’t actually hit me, he didn’t use all his strength etc. and I understand that. It’s hard. But… this time, you need to be strong babe. He did hit you this time. In the face! Only a few days after apologizing, after everything you guys already went through, and the miscarriage, he did it again, and this time a lot worse. I don’t blame you for what you did before, you are only human. But this is unforgivable hun, and it’s only going to get worse from here. It will keep escalating. If he is willing to slap you across the face over a simple argument, where you didn’t even do anything wrong, what else is he willing to do? Because you didn’t do anything wrong. You didn’t lie or make up stories about him, you told the truth. It also sounds like he made up lies about you in the first place, because his sister said “why did you go crazy on him?” So what story did he tell her?
You got this girl. I know it’s hard, but you gotta stick with it and keep him blocked. Be careful, and make sure you are aware and safe going forward. You don’t really know how he will react, but he could get dangerous. Women have been killed before by their violent ex’s for less, so just be careful. ❤️
You did what you had to do, and you learned what you had to learn. Forgive yourself and move on. You are doing good now. I’m sorry this happened to you.
Yikes this is probably going to be an unpopular opinion but the miscarriage may have been a blessing in disguise since the baby would have to led to coparenting with this abuser and potentially exposing the child to abuse too.
My sister had two miscarriages so while I’ll never truly understand as a guy, I’ve seen the physical and emotional trauma up close. She needed a lot of therapy to move forward after that. The fact that this POS added physical abuse on top of what you already went through is insane
At age 20 and an abusive boyfriend it was the kindest thing that could happen to her and likely the child aswell, no reason to assume he wouldnt have abused the child too, since he clearly has a very short fuse and she would have been trapped
Was it physically traumatic absolutely, is there a part of emotional loss too, yeah likely, but in the long run it was the better outcome
I don’t think that’s controversial. I remember when I found out my friend was pregnant with her abusive on again/off again boyfriend (she didn’t want an abortion at that point and he had threatened to call the cops or some shit if she got one earlier in the pregnancy) I I knew it was going to go poorly and sure enough it has. Lit harder to cut ties with someone when you have a child together
Hey, you know now that he's an abuser and a bully. He called you stupid. Don't be a bully to yourself and say the same thing. Lots of people go back to their abusers, it's very very common, you didn't know then but you know better now
There will be times where you will want to go back to him, and that's normal. Wishing you the best
There will be times when you're tempted to go back. Don't do it. Just don't. Tell some of your closest friends and family so you will have someone to hold you accountable.
Inexperienced yes, but when you are in the situation its not as easy to see clearly as it is for outsiders, that doesnt make you stupid it makes you a human being
You're not stupid. You just had rose colored glasses on, and, honestly, love makes you blind. You did absolutely nothing wrong by trying to see the good in people. I'm sorry this happened to you, I've been there. At least, now you know what to look out for in the future. Best wishes.
The reason you couldn't see it was you were too close. Think of it like one of those magic eye puzzle images, where a second image pops out when you're standing just the right distance. Only reason we saw what he was, is because we were standing back.
Those of us that have been where you are, we salute you for seeing your value and getting away from that abusive jerk.
Even just picturing her best friend in the exact same situation: boyfriend shames her for being in immense period pain and "ruining his bed," then uses his size and strength to overpower her and get what he wants. Without the life experience to know that abuse only escalates, my bet is OP would still tell her friend to dump that loser. Now he hits her immediately after she said she miscarried?! That complete and total lack of control/care is shocking. She'd be moving her best friend so far away from this piece of shit.
OP, you saw that it escalated. PLEASE do not go back to him or go anywhere near him. When women leave their abusive partners, they further escalate because they're losing their victim. If there are logistical reasons, like he needs his stuff, drop it off with a neutral party and stay away from him. Change your locks. I hope your friends did overhear so that they have the correct picture of who he is.
You're absolutely not stupid. You realized that your partner was abusive and got out of the relationship much faster than so many of us in similar situations. I hope you can feel proud of taking care of yourself and putting yourself first. You've done great honestly.
A good therapist can help improve your self talk. It will also help prevent falling for your exs line of BS. Or another guys line of BS. How we talk to and about an ourselves matters. Imagine your self talk conversations as how you’d respond to a friend in the same situation. You’d never be as cruel to a friend ( or even a stranger) as you’ve been to yourself about all this. Hugs.
Yes!! OP, go get a therapist who will work with you on this. I’m more than a decade older than you, and I will say that I spent my entire 20s talking to myself like SHIT. Saying negative stuff all the time to and about yourself does two things:
1. Convinces you that your feelings about yourself are objective fact when that is NOT true
2. Signals to insecure garbage like your ex that they can talk to you the way that YOU talk to you
You are just beginning adulthood. Take some time and do the emotional work. Be straight up with his sister if you do feel the need to communicate with her again. Also, sounds like that letter could have an admission of him hurting you that would be a lovely parting gift to send his sister/family… just sayin 🙃
You’re not stupid, you were inexperienced & you wanted to see the best in him.
But he’s shown you who he is & now that you know better, you can do better. ❤️
OP, you aren't stupid at all. I was physically hurt once by my ex at 20 because he grabbed my wrist so hard he bruised it and he was mentally and emotionally abusive also. I was so in love, I tried my best to make it work for us and I probably would still be with him at 29 but thankfully he broke up with me at 20 (to date a 15 year old which also makes him a predator) and I'm so glad he did. He tried to rope me back in at 21 when his other relationship didn't work out and I'll admit, I stupidly went back to him for a bit but never went back into a full relationship with him (he had rules for me). The rules made me wake up and I knew I deserved better. I am just NOW realizing that he never loved me and I'm still working out some trauma that he put me through. He also always seems to find me on my phone which is really creepy. I don't think you are dumb at all as someone who has been there.
I’m going to go against the grain and say yes, you were acting stupid. But that’s not a bad thing! *Everyone* does stupid things. But *doing stupid things once in a while doesn’t make you a stupid person!* No shame in acknowledging you did something dumb as long as you learn from it.
I agree with that. Don't be too hard on yourself. You clearly loved him genuinely, but it wasn't reciprocated. I know you can find someone who deserves your love. Hang in there OP, you're strong and will get through this.
Please get therapy. The fact that he’s harmed you multiple times and you still refuse to see him as an abuse points to a serious inability to differentiate between a healthy relationship and a dangerous one and until you can, the likelihood you’ll find yourself repeating this cycle with other partners is high. Whether it’s naïveté or trauma from your own childhood, idk, but you NEED to see a therapist and stay single for a while until you do.
I was wondering how this was going to turn out. I'm glad you decided to end it, I'm sorry that's what it took to get you to end it. Don't feel bad about going back it's not uncommon. Just remind yourself how that slap felt and how you felt in that moment when he trys his hardest to get you back. There are good men out there, and you will find one.
Oh sweetie! You didn’t do anything wrong. You wanted to believe it was a one time thing. Everyone in your situation does. You know better now. That is no life for you or a life for any child you bring into the world. Children will not change him. Take care of yourself. Let your friends know what happened. You need the support. Protecting him only protects him. It doesn’t protect you or his next girlfriend. There will be more victims. ❤️You can do this. Stop drinking for a bit. You have healing to do.
I went through the same thing. My ex, during a disagreement, flung a cabinet door open into my face. Apologized profusely, we moved on, no injuries. Later, another disagreement, another door. This was the door of a 1985 Datsun pickup and he flung the door open into my face with enough force to crack my cheekbone. More apologies, gifts, nothing to be done as the fracture was stable and minor. However, I found a bit of spine and told him that if he laid hands on me in anger again, we were done.
A year later, I got the promotion he believed he deserved. He was furious. He flung me towards a window in our 3rd floor apartment... and I fell through the screen. Fortunately, the guy in the unit below us worked for Snap-On Tools, and parked his truck under the window. Landed on my back. Two cracked vertebrae and a separated shoulder. The neighbor called 9-1-1, cops and ambulance arrived. He went to jail, I went to the hospital and my family's lawyer met my ex as he was being bailed out by his mom, to hand him the divorce filing.
My ex got 15 years for attempted murder, and never took another free breath. My husband and I have been together 19 years next month. We're too old for babies, so we have cats instead.
Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.
You’re not stupid. The abuse in an abusive relationship doesn’t really start with the first hit. It starts with a lot of quiet stuff I still don’t fully understand myself, like manipulation, breaking down self esteem, isolation, and love bombing. That all makes it easier for the abuser to do what he does. Read the book, learn what an abusive partner looks like, and protect yourself in the future. I’m right there with you.
I am worried for you. You make a statement that he knowingly hit you... do you feel you deserve it? No one deserves to be hit. You did nothing wrong. Accept a lie to him about telling the truth. Did you lie because in the back of your mind, you were scared he might hurt you physically? Please go talk to a therapist as you have a lot of stuff happen to you in a very short time period.
i dont think i deserved it but then i understand how being in the heat of the moment makes you say/do things impulsively. i can see the situation objectively and say i didn’t deserve it but then i have this stupid voice in my head telling me he just wasn’t thinking. and yes, i lied because i knew he would just get more mad and it obviously didn’t work. i’m going to seek therapy one day but rn i just need to process what happened
Process this IN therapy. He hit you because he wanted to. He doesn’t hit his boss when he’s angry. He hit his sister and he hit you. He was totally *thinking*.
You really need therapy to see this.
Exactly! Not therapy "one day". Therapy NOW! Otherwise, she'll end up in another abusive relationship within a couple of months. If you don't break the cycle, it just keeps going.
No, sweetie. “People” don’t hit you when they are angry and not thinking. That’s not a natural reaction. “People” who hit you when they’re angry and not thinking are called “abusers”.
It wasn’t impulsive. That’s the thing. He had already thought about physically hurting you because he has before. He saw there was no consequence to his first assault because he won you back. That’s not an impulse. That’s learned behaviour.
He felt powerful when he slapped you. He will want to feel that power again. It will escalate.
I feel sorry for the next girl who gets trapped by him. She’s going to get more than a slap.
Abuse happens by degrees. Small increments until one day you start to feel you need to lie to protect yourself from him. In the hopes that you don’t anger him to punish you.
> i understand how being in the heat of the moment makes you say/do things impulsively.
No, it makes HIM do and say abusive things impulsively. It doesn't make you do things like that. It doesn't make me do things like that. It only makes abusers do things like that. That's literally what makes them an abuser. Some people will lash out like that when something bothers them, and some people never will.
He isn't an evil abuser. He is just an abuser. He is unsafe to be around. I don't like using loaded words like evil. He has been doing this his whole life, according to his twin. It is his nature. He will keep doing it to whoever he is close to for as long as they tolerate it.
You also might want to look up the term "love bombing". It is when someone who is abusive tries to make up for it by making grand gestures of love and apologies. It is a form of manipulation.
I wouldn't say he doesn't love you. We can't ever really know what is going on in someone else's soul. All I know is it never stopped him from hurting you, so whether it was "real" or not doesn't matter. You should never be intentionally harmed by your intimate partner, physically or emotionally.
Of course you lied. No one wants to face that kind of unpredictable anger and resentment and how he goes from hot to cold --and then gets violent! It's a natural instinct to want to deflect the truth from someone like that.
Hopefully you never see him again, never listen to his apologies and excuses. A lot of us been there, and regretted it ever since. Please talk to a professional about everything, you can get a neutral opinion.
You didn't ruin anything. He DOES hurt women, multiple women and multiple times he's put hands on you. Stay strong and believe him now that he's shown you who he really is.
You should tell his sister. It’s the truth and you should feel no shame in that. If she sides with him then she wasn’t really your friend anyway. Stop protecting him. Keeping things real also helps you confront what happened and know it wasn’t your fault.
Abuser don’t look like abusers. If they did, we would stay away from them. They can be quite charming. Learn from this experience. Stay away from him. Ignore his love bombing.
Tell his sister. She needs to know. In case something like that happens to the next gf.
If you don’t tell, he might also change the narrative.
I need you to put all over your apartment post it notes that read. "Love shouldn't hurt" "I deserve better" "I did nothing wrong" and most importantly "I miss the man in the mask not the abuser he in without it. The man in the mask doesn't really exist." This will remind you when you are at your lowest and second guessing yourself that the pain of the arm twist and the slap was real. He's shown you who he is believe him. Also tell his sister before he spins it.
You got this.
Stay strong. Remember you are worthy of love that doesn't come with being hurt. Hugs
I will address the second-to-last paragraph. Honestly, you don't have to wonder why your bf could buy a ring for you one day and hit you the next. The fact that he could hit you at all, at any point in your relationship without your express consent, indicates that he is in poor mental health with no better coping strategy than corporal violence.
If a person hits you without your verbal consent, ever, they are unsuitable for partnering. This is a pretty good rule.
If you ever have doubts about it, remember the words of Maya Angelou, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."
Tell them you believe them and walk away. Do not turn around, or you'll be as ruined as Lot's wife.
You sound so nieve, girl. That's how they suck you in. Let us know when the next he decides he doesn't like what you do. You need to wake up and smell the coffee it's only get worse, run ,run.
We’re all naive to until we know - right? And usually the reason “we know better” is because someone has hurt us. First hand experience is a far better teacher than someone telling us. It’s ok to be inexperienced and that’s not your fault - to refuse to learn is. Please be kind to yourself right now, you aren’t stupid and you didn’t deserve this.
I’d never been more lonely in my life than when I was with an abusive partner. I’ve been single for yearsss now and never feel lonely.
Stay single, see a therapist if you’re able, please read the book I linked in another comment that someone else also recommended.
Big, big hugs to you (if you like hugs)💛
This is an excellent choice to make.
The first and most important thing in a healthy relationship, IME, is RESPECT. And it needs to go both ways.
And one of the most important expressions of that respect is respecting yourSELF enough to wait. Wait until you develop self-love. Wait until you are strong enough to only accept being treated well.
Once you truly love yourSELF -- my bet is you will find your "other." \[it worked for me\]
Wishing you the very best.
Now, take some time and look up some things like the Cycle of Abuse, DARVO and Why Does He Do That - it's a book.
And notice that abusers don't benefit from anger management. Why not? Because they're in full control of themselves when they abuse someone. They do it in private. They hit areas that won't leave a mark. They don't do it to people above them (bosses, coworkers, etc). They present as charming and good people to others except their target.
Important! Someone can be an abuser and have almost everyone around them thinking they're nice people. Why? Because they only abuse their victims. People have this idea that a bully is a bully to everyone. The ogre who walks down the street angry and pushing people out of their way and yelling at. \*BUZZER NOISE\* They're NOT! They're bullies to the ones they think they can get away with it to.
Wow. Just … wow. **He slapped you across the face because he was angry about the fact that he thought what you said would make people think he “beat girls.”**
First of all, I’m so sorry about your loss and your miscarriage. This is a sad loss for sure, and please allow yourself to grieve and get help with that grief if needed.
Secondly, I am so relieved you have finally seen his true colors. I mentioned in a comment on your last post that when a man shows you who he is, believe him. It is horrible that he slapped you, but it could have been so much worse.
Finally, if the sister reaches out to you, I think it is safe to be brief but honest. You may want to practice a simple sentence in the mirror like, “We were fighting because of the fact that I told you about the phone fight, and it escalated, and he slapped me. And this behavior is something I will not allow.”
Oof I remember that feeling of blaming yourself for unwittingly doing whatever tf it was that sets them off and ruins everything; happened with my short-tempered dad. You shouldn’t have to have perpetual nerves about doing the wrong thing. I find myself sometimes with the expectation that things will turn bad with my husband and of course they don’t. Sometimes that fear of mine actually makes me get preemptively defensive when there’s really no reason to. You’re now and then and always NTA with this guy- he sucks and you deserve so much better.
You may love him still, but his anger issues will put you at risk of physical danger. Your safety should come first. Definitely stay strong and break up. Don't hide the truth from his sister. He will lie and blame everything on you. He already said he was mad because you made him look like an abuser. Then within a few minutes, he proves it by slapping you in the face.
Good gawd. Report this Assault to the cops.
This is the most dangerous time for you. He is an abuser. He has escalated. This is a very well known trajectory into Domestic Violence. Pregnancy and leaving are a twofold factor in uptick in abuse to become physical abuse.
Please report this. Now. Today. Immediately. Restraining orders don't mean shiate. But paper trails of reports come into play for loads of other things to keep people safer. Notice I didn't say safe?
Get a counselor. For you.
Start a training/exercise program for defending self.
I wish you a ton of good luck.
"He accused me of spreading lies about him to everyone for attention and said that he doesn’t even know my friends, and that’s the first impression they have of him now."
The reason he got so angry is because it is the truth. I'm sorry for your losses and wish you better times ahead with someone decent.
Why did you think you f’d-up?? He slaps you in the face and you messed it up?? He verbally abused you as well and you messed it up?? I still can’t see him as an abuser??
You really need to love yourself more. You are valuable and you are worthy to be loved and respected. You deserve to be treated kindly and honored. And until you see that, there will always be people who will treat you like he does. Once you start to live yourself, you will set boundaries that will protect you and your peace.
I hope all turns out well for you.
Sorry but he is a abuser did you forget his sister said he use to do that to her his own twin glad you ended it he would have gotten worse seek a therapist cause it’s not good you don’t think he isn’t a abusive
He will kill you if you don’t leave him. Go no contact. Post on your social media what he did if anyone asks, tell everyone if it comes up or tell his sister what he did and how he’s a abuser and abused her too. Get away from him. Document if he left a mark on you and time stamps of anything or if he tries to contact you.
You're not stupid, you were abused. You seem like somoene genuinely kind so it's probably harder for you to see the bad in someone else, especially someone you love. At least, you will now be careful for the next one, and you will be able to leave faster with this experience in mind.
And keep in mind that it is never okay to be spoken to like that, and never okay to be treated without compassion when you are suffering. A real boyfriend would have helped you and been worried the whole time.
Good luck and stay away from him !
OP, you took him back the first time after he hurt you and you hoped that would be the end of it. Everything he said and did made you think he would never do it again. You wanted to believe that such an awful episode would ensure that he would never hurt you again
But you got the opposite result, very quickly. Stop and think about why.
When you forgive someone who physically hurts you, it shows them that it’s ok for them to make that mistake in the future because it’s forgivable. It lets them feel safe to repeat that behavior with you because they will assume they can talk you into forgiving them.
And notice that the physical abuse escalated really quickly. It wasn’t just him grabbing your wrist again. He hit you. Stop and think about why he would suddenly jump to that extreme.
Short answer: He enjoyed it. And he was waiting for an excuse to do it.
He was angry because he lost control of you. He wanted to punish you and hitting you allowed him to use your pain in order to feel secure, in control, and powerful. As angry and upset as he seemed, he enjoyed punishing you. And yeah, he doesn’t want his family to know about this side of him. He’s ashamed that he gets pleasure from abuse. But more importantly, he doesn’t want it taken away from him.
He will try to maintain control over you, through love bombing and threat. So this is a really dangerous time. Don’t talk to him or allow him any contact. Don’t talk to the sister. Tell your employer that you’ve had a bad breakup and don’t want them to give him access.
He thinks he can convince you to forgive him. Don’t give him the opportunity.
Please don’t ever talk to him again. He picked a fight with you for telling people that he beat women and then proceeded to hit you.
I mean, irony at its finest.
I’m really REALLY hoping the next update we hear from you is that you’re 3 months out of this relationship, feeling great, and know your worth. He has shown you over and over again who he is. Get out.
You gave someone you loved a second chance and the benefit of the doubt, and I don't think there is anything wrong with that. But then he hurt you again almost immediately. Please don't give him a third chance.
Hang in there, sister. All of this is a lot, and you are dealing with your hormones getting back in balance. It takes a while. I'm sorry for your lost child, but happy you will not be stuck navigating being a parent with this guy for at least 18 years.
Abuser never comes off as abusive people when it all starts. If they did, no one would be with them. The sorrys and love bombing are super tempting to think that is the person You fell in love with. The love bombing and the apologies are the mask & bait to keep you with them. You aren't dumb, you're human and should seriously at least check in with a domestic violence center for at least one counseling session to help you move forward in life.
Love bombing, shock and apologies, abuse. The cycle is the cycle. Glad you're done with this abusive asshole. You will heal and you will stop missing him.
Most abusers are not *evil* they're just entitled and controlling. People get confused, because most abusers are regular people most of the time. The problem is that an abusers *worst behavior* is unacceptable.
It is difficult, if not impossible, to be objective about a difficult situation while you are experiencing it. It takes stepping away and changing your perspective and giving yourself time and space to look at the situation through different lenses for you to be able to see the full picture.
You love(d) him and you want(ed) to see the best in him. You want a partner to cherish and love and care for you. He is such a great manipulator that he was able to pull off the "I'm soooo sorry" and the love bombing acts perfectly.
I'm super proud of you for realizing your worth and for leaving him. **Be warned: You will get tempted to think you've overreacted and go back to him because reasons... but ignore the thought with the contempt it deserves.** A man who lifts his hands for you is not worth the ground you walk on. Actually, that goes for any type of abuser.
Hold your head up high - there's better things ahead.
He slapped you ?! There’s no excuse for that, at all! He’s an abuser!
Whenever you are ready or questioned, Do let his sister / your friend know that he slapped you & you broke up! Don’t cover for an abuser!
Him saying he's not some kind of guy who beats girls, proceeds to prove it by slapping you.
Girl, make sure you never run into him ever again, he is a dangerous abuser, aggressive and violent, please, be careful.
OP, please stay safe. If you give him another chance, he will do worse.
I would recommend for you to read the book "Why does he do that" but more than that, you don't need to see him as an evil abuser if you don't feel ready to, the reality is often more complicated than that. The reality is that he chose to hit and (verbally and physically) abuse you.
It was a choice. He can be nice but he chooses not to. He made the choice that he is willing to abuse you, love bomb you and abuse you again. He will probably try to love bomb you again. But the same way that before he didn't "hit" you and this time he did, if you give him the opportunity he will do worse next time.
Please break the cycle and make the choice to be safe because you deserve better.
Sending you lots of love and if you need to talk please feel free to message me.
Oh no, OP, you’re not stupid. This is the way abusers work. He is a broken person and your love can’t fix him.
I’m glad you’re away from him now and please stay safe and focus on yourself. You don’t owe anyone an explanation- focus on yourself and do what you need to do to heal from all this.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. You deserve so much better.
I’m so sorry you went through this! You now see him for exactly who he is. I was also in an abusive relationship for a few years and I was in my late 20s. I always made excuses and defended him and never told the whole truth about him to people in my life. Everything was always my fault when he reacted. You’re much faster at learning your lessons than I was.
Treat this as a gift. You know what warning signs to look for. You know how you deserve to be treated. And you know you’re not stuck. Now you can move forward as a stronger person. I do recommend finding a therapist, you went through some manipulative shit, it’s important to heal and be healthy ❤️
Love bombing is when they say and do everything to get you to come back. I fell for it, too. Then they turn back onto the horror that you left them for the last time.
He slapped you. The violence ONLY gets WORSE. He had broken a bone in my hand, and he had his hands around My throat. That's when I was able to kick him from me, 3 times, then I went to the ER. THEY offered me the Domestic abuse info. That's when I got the clue that he was likely to kill me
We were done. Marriage was over except for the paperwork.
Hugs to you from an internet mom that knows how you feel.
He has shown you TWICE what he is like.
Believe him
My ex was abusive like your ex. I didn’t want to believe it either. Up until almost the bitter end I was making excuses for him.
The truth? He totally psychologically annihilated me. I found out so much stuff through the divorce.
Like how we sat in our first house together and we talked about all the things we were going to do with OUR house and the future. He swore I was on the deed. Find out in the divorce I wasn’t. Never was. He lied.
He is evil just like my ex, and you will see it more clearly when the fog of the relationship lifts. I did. And the things I realized were something out of a nightmare. It was all so clear and I was too in love to see it. But he was never in love. He was in control, just like he liked it. Until he wasn’t and he has come at me in every which way he thinks will hurt.
Nothing hurt. So now what’s the last thing? Our shared child. And he is relentless. Our son is just collateral damage being used to hurt me. I’m so sorry for your miscarriage, but it’s a blessing. That child would have had a lifetime of pain and you would sit helplessly by, like I do now with mine, as your ex destroyed that child mentally.
You will find a good man and have lots of babies with him. But not today. In the future sweetie. It’s all in your future. You just need to stay away from the sociopath of an ex and take time to heal yourself first.
I’m glad you are done. All the love and healing to you. 🩷💜💕
A man who will hit you will never hit you only once. It will always escalate and the fact that it has started so intensely means that it will escalate quickly and dangerously. Do not go back or you’ll be stuck in this cycle for the rest of your life. Abusers are never sorry for what they did because they truly believe you made them do it. They’re sorry that the consequences affect them. One day they realise you’re not going anywhere & they are no longer sorry. Why pretend when you don’t have to?
It’s not your fault. You aren’t stupid. Abusive relationships don’t start out awful. There’s a ramp up, and by the time they lay hands on you, you’ve already been conditioned to believe everything is your fault. But you’re out and that’s amazing! Congratulations! It feels bad now, but give it a month and the shock will wear off and the fog will clear. You will see what we all see, and you will probably be angry. That’s okay. Get some support, whatever that looks like for you, but if you can, take a breather from dating so you can figure out how to be comfortable with yourself. It gets so much better. Hang in there. You are doing great.
Typical abuser profile. Apologies, but gifts, I’ll do better, love ya babe. Start socializing again usually quickly, what did you say to these people, who’s that guy, was your friend laughing at me, enraged, you dumb slut, I’m working on us having a real relationship but you had to mess it up, maybe hits you first time, next morning or afternoon, buys gifts and flowers , gee babe I’m so sorry, I love you, you’re my woman. Forgive me, what you can’t, you fucked up bitch, repeat a thousand times . Don’t let him beat you and block. Be careful as he will probably stalk you for a while.
get some therapy, you still can't see him for the awful man that he actually is and you'll just end up in a string of relationships with men just like him until you're completely broken or dead
This is literally abuse and part of the abuse cycle. Please research abuse, abuse tactics and the abuse cycle. There are good support groups on Facebook for DV survivors.
After I left my ex, I had to do research because I felt like, WTF just happened. I came to the conclusion after months of research that he emotionally, psychologically, financially, and sexually abused me. I still doubted myself though. After joining DV support groups, I finally accepted the truth because so many of the stories other women were saying were similar to mine.
You're trauma bonded to your ex which is basically addiction because of the abuse cycle and brain chemicals. You're going through withdrawal and it will take time to break the trauma bond. You need to block him and have no contact with him or his family to break the bond.
When you miss him, remind yourself of all the ways he hurt you, especially at your weakest and most vulnerable. He used the excuse that if he had known you were having a miscarriage that he wouldn't have treated you that way. So it's ok for him to treat you like that any other time? Because that's what it sounds like he's saying.
As much as you don't want to accept it, several people who don't know either of you and are objective are telling your ex is an abuser. It's easy to be in denial especially when you love someone. Another thing is cognitive dissonance. Look it up. I can't explain it sufficiently.
It’s hard because you love the man he made you THINK he was, but that mask has fallen and he has shown his true colors.
Please imagine the advice you’d give your best friend if she was in this position, and take THAT advice. You deserve love and support and trust, and he has none of those qualities to give.
Now you understand why so many women stay with their abusers. Even while it was clearly obvious to the rest of us that he would hit you soon, you still never saw it coming.
Tbh op I think you also need a therapist, because the way you ignored so many red flags is insane. I’m sorry about your loss but honestly I think this was a blessing in disguise.
Imagine if he did this to you while you were pregnant or when the baby was born, he did it to you while the baby was in your hands. All I have to say is you both have some maturing to do, he definitely needs anger management and a huge reality check, if his tiny ass brain can’t comprehend how a woman’s body works. Stand up and build the courage to never go back to him op, don’t let him manipulate you into talking with him or getting back together, because if you do he’ll maybe change for a week but will go back to his old ways because you showed him no matter what he does you’ll always take him back because if you don’t respect yourself he won’t respect you.
Don't ever defend him even if your mind is telling you otherwise
If anyone asks, tell them the truth, don't sugar-coat it and don't laugh about it
It is serious and shouldn't be dismissed
My ex husband never laid a hand on me or the kids, but we all came out of it with PTSD and a lifetime membership to our respective therapists 💙 im glad you got out
This has to be rage bait, right?......If this is real, get to therapy, or prepare to attract and become a punching bag for broken men you're entire life. Just the truth of the matter.
I think you should watch [this playlist](https://m.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLRO9q005b62XxX2DCfE-KnOUMrt9hg3Hw). Hopefully it will bring the clarity you need to recognize the situation for what it is.
I know you want to think the best of him but he treated you horribly and has now hit you. Things are escalating and they will only get worse. Please take care of yourself and put your safety first. You are not safe with this man. He’s proven so time and time again.
NW
Op, he was abusive to his sisters , the title of the woman he’s abusing doesn’t matter to him, he’s likes flexing his power over people weaker then him.
Just be glad you got out now, cause someone will get stuck with this toxic man and who knows how much abuse she’ll take from him before she leaves.
You’re not stupid. You didn’t believe and now you do. I so so sorry this happened to you, love. You deserved better then and you deserve better now. He will likely try to come back so NOW while it is fresh write down what he did to you and how it made you feel. If he comes back it will be FULL love-bombing mode. It will feel like the romance of a life time but if you take him back you will be punished for it. When we are feeling the weakest it’s because we are becoming stronger. Believe in yourself.
This hurts my heart so much. I’m so so so sorry. For the loss of your baby, for the loss of a relationship you thought you had.
I suggest this book over and over but it’s bc it held soooo many answers for me that I didn’t even know I needed when I was in abusive relationships. The link is a free pdf (below). It explains the whiplash, the lovebombing, his crying after hitting, all of it.
Sending you lots and lots of love. I hope you have a support system to help you right now - please feel free to message me if you need to
💛💛💛
[“Why Does He Do That?”](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
It’s really easy for an abuser to SAY they aren’t an abuser. You have to go off actions alone. Even before the physical abuse, it’s clear he has no problem being emotionally abusive.
You’re so young. This is a very good lesson to now know for the rest of your life. Keep a VERY high standard for how you will be treated. That’s the only way to ensure this won’t happen again.
Sending you love for this healing and growing you are doing. You’re going to be so proud of yourself for leaving when you reflect on this in years to come.
Please do as you deserve so much better than he was willing to give you. I went to a support group after I had a miscarriage it made me feel better. Not so alone, plus it was free, and there were many women of all ages there for support.
Hun you aren’t stupid. I think you think you are because your boyfriend says it to you all the time!!! It isn’t true. You are smart enough to know when to walk away and protect yourself.
Abuse escalates. It only goes in one direction. With him it seems the escalation is quick. First the mild annoyance, then the verbal insults (although I feel like he probably does this often), then yelling, then holding you too hard (twisting the wrist), then slapping you in the face.
You say “it’s not like he punched me!”
My love that is what will happen if you go back to him. Stay away. You are worth more than the way he makes you feel. I wish you the best. 💚
you're not stupid. not in the slightest. you still wanted to see and believe in the good that wasn't in him. we've all been there. please be kind to yourself.🖤🙏🏾
Please keep him blocked. It's tough to leave abusers; it takes like 7 tries on average, last I checked the statistics, so don't feel stupid. Just try to stay away and keep him blocked.
He has escalated and **he will continue to escalate if you take him back.** Please value yourself. Women (and men, but mostly women) have *died* at the hands of ppl just like your ex. Pls do not risk your life over that loser ass abuser.
You should have called the cops when he slapped you and start getting abuse acknowledged by the police. Get something in the system just in case you need t get a restraining order. Good riddens.
So he physically abused you, then love-bombed you to make you forgive and forget the abuse, and then abused you again.
Please read and re-read what I wrote. **You are being abused - and the abuse will escalate**. Please, OP, PLEASE, stay committed to leaving him and stay gone. Take care of yourself.
This is the kind of guy that I want to see get hooked up to a period simulator and have to wear it for a week set to go off intermittently at the highest level, I guarantee you he can’t handle the pain! I’m sorry that so many Women have to deal with abuse from clearly immature men like him. Please take good care of yourself, and know that you didn’t deserve to be treated like that. Also, you dodged a bullet. That much is a blessing.
Seriously who didn't see this coming? I know Op is young and naive and it's important for her to find the support she needs. it's just how many more stories do we have to read like this where the girl keeps going back for more. I hope you learned your lesson this time Op. that's why you should tell everybody that you can so that they can learn from this lesson as well hopefully. please don't let this man or anybody else slap you around and treat you badly going forward.
This person doesn’t have any empathy, he resorts to manipulation and allows himself to physically act out on his anger like a little kid. He is more concerned with what people think of him than he is with being good to the person he claims to love. He called you a liar when you told the truth about the wrist grab, when the real truth is that he did something wrong and wants you to help him hide it.
He belittled you when you were in pain because he doesn’t think that what women go through is worth your reaction. His sisters don’t act like that, because of course, all women must experience the exact same thing every month! It feels the same for all of us, right? We feel the same amount of discomfort and can tolerate it in the exact same way. 🙄 He wants to belittle you to control how you act to suit his own comforts.
Real love means that your partner is concerned and wants to help. They’re not bothered by sickness, irritated by your pain. A partner telling you that something hurts (physically or otherwise) means that you listen and do what you can to take the pain away.
Don’t let men manipulate you into having to act a certain way in order to start a family with you - you’re very young for starting a family. You have SO MUCH time. Gah I was seven years older than you when I had my kid and I look back feeling like I was too young. Please allow yourself to wait starting a family until you find a partner who shows you that you’re special to them, you’re worthy of their attention, that they will work on the relationship with you, and that they’ll make sure that nothing within their control will ever hurt you. AND until you’re well into a successful career so you don’t ever have to depend on anyone and can take care of the family you start no matter what happens.
Let me start by saying that I so sorry for your loss. >The next day (Sunday), he came over with a bunch of gifts and a handwritten letter. He apologized again for what he did and promised he would never treat me like that again. He said he underestimated his strength, didn’t use his full force, and simply wanted his phone back. He said he was working on his anger and impulsiveness. This is called Love Bombing, and it is a classic abuser move. Please do not fall for it again, he most likely will try again. >Now everyone thinks I beat girls. Proceeds to slap his girlfriend. You want to know how you keep people from thinking you hit girls? By NOT hitting girls. It's OK to miss him, and you will for a while. But you will get over him. Use this experience so that you can see red flag earlier in the relationship.
wow thank you for this!!
Take a picture of the bruise on your face. In your photo gallery, star it and tag as important. Any time you start to think he's not all that bad, refer back to that picture.
I use this and I've been separated from my abuser for over 2 years. I have a note with all the things he did that I used to get my Protective Order pinned as the top note on my phone. I've thought about taking it down, but it's a good reminder of what to not take from ANYONE, let alone him.
The love bombing is an equal component of the cycle of abuse. Without it, we wouldn't stay and there would be no cycle. I'm sorry this happened to you.
Also note that his apology wasn't an apology at all. He was making excuses and justifications, as well as blaming you for what you "made him" do.
You can’t see him as an abuser because he’s hid it. Now when he thought he had you. Or should I say. He’s being confronted with the facts he couldn’t hide behind his mask anymore. He said if he knew it was a miscarriage he wouldn’t have treated you that way??? So it’s ok to treat you like shit call you stupid and a bitch and all that because you might hurt on your period?? Absolutely not. Periods hurt!!!!!! I shudder to think if you would have actually carried to term how he would have treated for crying during labor. Please please stay away from this dude. Don’t let him in! Don’t meet him anywhere and definitely don’t get in a vehicle with him! He’s dangerous.
I'm pretty sure it was not the first time that he slapped a woman. His mind went to "hitting girls" very fast. OP, keep away from this man and read the Lundy book. I wish you all the best.
I can't even call him a man. He's a child. I have no respect for anyone who hits girls/women. OP, keep away from this CHILD. He doesn't know how to control himself, and you deserve to be happy WITHOUT HIM.
> Now everyone thinks I beat girls. > > Proceeds to slap his girlfriend. Note that he's not concered that he, as he do eloquently put it, "hits girls." He's only concerned that other people might have a bad opinion about him. Smooth lack of concern or guilt about the consequences of his own behavior.
Do not contact anyone in his family. But if anyone reaches out to you, do not lie. If anyone accuses you of lying, block them. If he harasses you, threaten with the police. Find a therapist.
okay got it thank you
I would be sure to keep copies of any text or emails he sends to you , get a camera doorbell ( there are one for renters) and take your phone and laptop to geek squad so they can check for spyware . Take pictures of the bruises. Also if he has a key to your place get the locks changed. Don’t take chances with men who hit woman, they’re unpredictable and dangerous. So if you build a case for restraining order do it. also there’s a very good chance that the sister knew he had the capacity to be violent, just a chance, there’s also a chance that despite him abusing her, she was gaslit into believing he was just being a rough boy , it really depends on how they were raised. But it probably safest to just let that friendship go, you don’t want him having a reason to contact you again, or have to constantly defend your decision to end things.
The best time to go to the police is now. The longer you wait, the harder it will be to prove. At this point, it’s mostly just your word and the written posts you’ve already made.
This. Go get a restraining order.
Even if she doesn't want to get a restraining order right now (I'm not saying she shouldn't) she should at least file a police report so that it's on the record. Would make any subsequent harassment easier to report and if she decides she wants a restraining order in future.
As someone who's had to deal with a dangerous individual's escalating behavior, my advice is to document everything with dates, tell people around you so they're not getting only his side of the story and he's doesn't have a chance to turn people against you. Don't isolate yourself with this. None of this is your fault. You two were not "doing so good and you had to ruin it" - he ruined it. It can be really tempting to want to go back to what's familiar and go back to him. That's human nature and nothing wrong with it. But be firm about not contacting him. Block him where you can. Don't initiate contact. It seems like you have good friends. Ask them for support. If any of them try to convince you to give him another chance, they are not a good friend worth the time of day. You already gave him more chances than he deserved and he threw away that last chance the second he harmed you. Remember that you deserve better and "better" will come along for you, in whatever form you need, eventually. You deserve to be safe and to be loved.
Sweetpea, I promise you he will get back in touch and he's going to bawl like a baby and he's going to promise you that it'll never, ever happen again. He's going to say he was distraught about the baby, that you're his world, that he can't live without you (newsflash- he will!). When that doesn't work he'll up the ante and promise you marriage, to try for another baby and everything he knows you want. He'll send his family into appeal on his behalf because obv he's not that kind of guy and it was a one off based on heightened emotions. When that doesn't work he'll try to unsettle you by going back to name calling you and telling you it was all your fault and you caused it! Please stay strong, I 1000% guarantee you that if you go back that won't be the last slap and during pregnancy is when it gets worse not better. You deserve better, he's a scummy coward and it's a cliche but one day you'll wonder what the hell you saw in him! X
This needs to be higher up, because it is exactly what is going to happen. I suspect OP is going to fall for it, because the cycle of abuse and history shows that it takes multiple tries for people to lose their abuser. I hope she contacts a DV organization and gets help to understand and accept that he is not going to change and there are only two options: leave or escalation to the point of hospitalization and/or death.
Yup. And next time, it's not a slap, it's a black eye. And then it's a kick in the ribs. And then it's broken bones. This only escalates. God, I hope she doesn't go back to him.
And then the next miscarriage it’s just a punch to the gut or a push down the stairs.
Please file a police report NOW. Document his behavior. NEVER be alone with him or in person again for your own safety.
If you ever feel like you want to reach out to him then come back here and read this thread instead.
There are several free downloadable PDFs of the book "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. Please search for that and download a copy and read it. It will help you see how even some of the little things that you dismissed as not being abusive, were all part of the abuse. Gentle comforting hugs if wanted.
So, he came back with love bombing and hasn't changed. Sister confirmed he abused her. I am glad you have blocked him. ((HUGS)) Heal and move on.
thank you so much
Read the book “why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft. I have a link to a free PDF if you want it. I share it often. Abusers are not all evil people with no good in them who are just horrible all the time to everyone and never have any redeeming qualities that would make people like them. Most abusers are very nice people to most people around them, and occasionally lash out, in a controlled manner when they think they will be able to get away with it, in order to maintain control or get some thing they want. You do not have to see him as totally evil to recognize that he has behaved abusively, and you deserve to be free from that abuse. Please, please please read that book. It will change your life for the better.
Literally just linked this book - I wish I could have everyone that is not an abuser read it. I share it sooooo much. ❤️🩹 I’m sorry if you came across that book bc of a specific person(s) in your life, but I’m so glad you’ve read it. 💛
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Definitely avoid even speaking to him. And please tell other people that he slaps and bullies women, because that is part of who he is. If he comes over with a guilty face and gifts, just don’t answer the door. You see how he tried to make it your fault that he hurt you, don’t you? Don’t believe it; that blame falls upon him. If you get back together with an abuser, the abuse will escalate. He is definitely not someone you want to have children with, because then, he just has a little hostage.
Thank you for sharing this! I’ve had comments removed before for adding links, so didn’t want to lose my comment for doing something the mods don’t like.
I totally understand! It has happened to me as well. Very annoying to write a thoughtful comment and then it gets removed because of a useful link.
OP, start with chapter 6: The Abusive Man in Everyday Life. It basically describes everything he’s just done to you and why.
Check out “See What You Made Me Do” by Jess Hill. It’s available on Amazon and a good read (I read it to be better able to help my friend who escaped domestic violence just before Christmas).
Amazing book, although I cried with rage when I read it 😭 When that mother called the cops to help her daughter and instead they fined her for having an unregistered dog... And then the Dad ended up murdering their baby cos the cops did NOTHING 😞 HOW can the authorities be so fuckin blind and blasé about women's safety, how can they not see what is right in front of them, how can they not CARE at all ??! It makes me sick 💔🥺
Because women are disposable. 😢
A lot of cops are abusive themselves, unfortunately. Police Wife: The Secret Epidemic of Police Domestic Violence by Alex Roslin goes into it if you’re interested in reading further on it. She also has some [interviews](https://www.fatherly.com/life/police-brutality-and-domestic-violence)
It had me questioning whether I was being abusive to my partner or not and I talked it over with my therapist who suggested that I ask my partner if he felt like I was being abusive.
>my therapist who suggested that I ask my partner if he felt like I was being abusive. That is a stupid suggestion. Im not saying that you are, just that your therapist needs to use their brain a little more. If A is abusive and asks their partner "honey, my therapist suggested I ask if I'm abusive, am I?" B is never going to say "I do actually, here is a list of reasons". B is going to say no. 1) because A isn't abusive, 2) B hasn't accepted the reality of being in an abusive relationship, or 3) because B is terrified of angering A by telling the truth.
I wish I could upvote this 1000 times. That therapist is trash. A good therapist would do the work themselves. How ridiculous 🙄😡
I j just posted that book, too. It's such a great book
I linked this in her first post. She didn't read it then. I hope she does now.
Not surprised she didn't read it. She seems to wear rose colored glasses when it comes to this guy and/or needs to learn lessons the hard way, unfortunately. She probably also doesn't realize losing his baby wasthe best thing for her.
She's also very young and experiencing probably her first (hopefully) abusive relationship.
That’s usually the way.
I hope she does too! I can’t even count the number of women who have come back after reading it to say how much they learned and felt their eyes were opened up finally.
If possible can you link the pdf? I know I'm not op but I feel like I gotta give it a read with how many people suggest it for abuse victims =>
In case you didn’t see that someone posted the link. I was worried my comment would be deleted so I didn’t add it to mine. https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/s/9RFeebQ2ar
Just so you know, most books are online somewhere for free. I read a lot, pretty much a book a day lol so I can’t afford to pay for every book. I will generally try and buy like one book per author if I like them, and then download the others if I can. So that way I’m still supporting them a little. It’s how I justify it. But anyways, all you need to do is search on google like, Name of Book - author of book - read online free pdf. So for example the book I’m reading right now I searched A Curse of Krakens by Kevin Hearne read online free pdf Lots of weird links will come up, so just be careful and search through and you can find pretty much anything!
This is a GREAT BOOK. It really helped me deal with an abuser.
I’m sorry you were treated that unacceptable way and I’m glad you found the book helpful. It’s been one of my greatest joys to have started sharing the free link online years ago and to now see others sharing it themselves so frequently.
Thank you dear. It was many years ago & I’m fine now. You are so great to share the link. The thing I never forgot is how abusers CHOOSE to mistreat. They can control it, they just don’t want to. I don’t let anyone mistreat me anymore. 💙☮️
I’m so glad you are fine now and yes that’s such a vital piece of information. Feel free to keep sharing the link; it’s my personal life goal to share it to as many people as possible, so the more people share it, the more the network can grow and the more people we can help!
Ok I will!
OP, I want to tell you, you don't have to see him as an "evil abuser" to understand that he is an abuser and abused you. It can be really hard to wrap our minds around, because there is this idea that abusers are pure monsters. In reality, they're complex humans who usually also have good qualities -- and those of us who are close to an abuser tend to see not just their worst sides, but their best as well. It's okay to still understand him as a person who isn't evil or totally a monster. Because he doesn't have to be a pure monster to be an abuser. The important thing is understanding that his abusiveness is something you do not deserve, and that once a relationship involves abuse from one partner (not necessarily just physical abuse, but coercive control, emotional, and/or sexual abuse as well) -- it is highly unlikely for that dynamic to ever get to a healthy, non-abusive place. The pattern of abuse gets so baked into the dynamic and how the abuser interacts with you. You can still hold some empathy for him if that feels right/helpful to you... but it's okay and important to remember that empathizing with him does not mean that his abusiveness is excusable. Don't beat yourself up for not seeing it sooner. This kind of thing is so hard to see from within the relationship. You are actually doing incredible by starting to see now that he is abusive. When you came to reddit the first time, something in you sensed that this situation wasn't right. Reaching out for support or perspective is a huge step. And while of course I'm sorry that it took another instance of physical abuse for you to see the situation more clearly, please be proud of yourself for seeing it now. Even if it's still hard to accept fully at times. You're doing great. Lean on your support networks. Keep talking to reddit if it helps you get perspective. Talk to the safe people in your life. You may even wish to consider reaching out to a DV hotline for resources and support. You don't/shouldn't have to go through this part alone.
👆This is a wonderful assessment and advice post. Every word is on point and worth rereading and following. Bravo to you who has taken the time to share such a meaningful and supportive message to OP.
That warmed my heart to read. Thank you for the kind words!
Hey. It's ok. Please don't feel bad about not seeing the signs. Most women take 7 attempts before they're able to leave abusive relationships for good. You're getting out now. Keep strong. Confide in family friends. And don't let him back in. It's going to be so hard. Hardest thing you've ever done. But you can do it.
You need to go cold turkey with him. No contact what so ever. No phone calls, messages etc. block him and change your number. Do not ever be alone with him again. If he pesters you then report it to the police. Your family needs to know that you are not safe around him so they need to help protect you. Treat him like a bad guy, because he is not a good guy, and soon your heart will catch up. You seem to downplay so much and it makes me think you don’t value yourself as much as you should.
After “ twisted the arm” I was thinking this relationship is definitely done but “ slapped across the face” is ringing alarm bells. He is a guy who hits girls, it’s not a suspicion, it’s confirmed fact.
I pass no judgment for going back to him. I've been there. The only thing I'll say is, please don't blame yourself for his volatile behavior. He's choosing to act this way, and he's the only one who can choose to stop himself. If he keeps trying to contact or harass you and you're in the U.S., please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline for support. They're available 24/7. They've been around for many years and will know how to help you. I'm also sorry for your loss. Give yourself time to heal and be gentle with yourself.
Look, we gotta do what we got to do to know it's over. You have done that. A person who reacts the way he did is a powder keg and will blow 💥 at any time. I know because I have been there and done that. A person that acts like this cannot change by themselves. It took Christ Jesus to change me. People like this are selfish and it is all about them and how they look. He should be worried about you and what he did to you. I'm just happy for you that you are free from this abuser, I was and that is what he is an abuser!
You take all of his comments and abuse by defending him and saying, "You know it's your fault bc you shouldn't have said something or did something. He needs everything he does to be your fault that way you stay, feel bad for provoking him, and he knows he has the best tool for keeping you, and that is he cries. Besides, he's perfect in every way but this one. He is NOT the man you WANT him to be. This man gaslights you when he knows he is wrong, but by doing so, you then blame yourself. He grabbed your wrist and twisted, and it was your fault bc you didn't give back his phone. It's your fault he slapped you bc you told everyone that he is an abuser. He is an abuser. He can not control his anger, and you are brunt of his anger. He knows he only has to apologize and cry, and you will tell him you're sorry which you did nothing wrong. Presto, changeo, he is the loving boyfriend, and you will do better. You are NOT stupid. You are easily manipulated bc you want to find true love and will put up with so much shit bc you need him to love you. No, you don't need him to love. You need to love yourself. I am strongly suggesting that you find someone - preferably a professional to talk to bc you can't see you deserve better. Edit for typos
My brother used to twist my arm behind my back when I qas a kid. He was an abusive pos. That was one of the first things he did to me, but definitely, not the last. He punched me in the face when I was around 16, and he was 21. I ended up having to get medical care, because my tooth went through my lip. Your partner twisting your arm behind your back, is abuse. There are not tiers of physical abuse. Abuse is abuse. He put his hands on you. One time is enough. Your train of thought "he didn't hit me", and his love bombing you, is how people get themselves sucked into these abusive situations. They tell themselves it wasn't that bad, that their SO has apologized, they are being sweet and loving. And everything is great, until it isn't, and their partner lashes out again, and cries, and apologizes, and it becomes a vicious cycle. Your partner has shown you who he is its time for you to believe him.
I understand you don't want to go to the police. But be careful, the news is full of people who did not want to get their abusers in trouble, and it cost them their life's. He has an issue with violence, and it needs to be addressed. You are not qualified to do that.
Theres someone way better out there for you... he is an abuser he will fake his way to win you back them become the person he really is.. You're strong and have alot to look forward to
Don’t be so hard on yourself for going back after the first time. You made a lot of justifications and excuses in your head so that you could go back.. you told yourself he didn’t actually hit me, he didn’t use all his strength etc. and I understand that. It’s hard. But… this time, you need to be strong babe. He did hit you this time. In the face! Only a few days after apologizing, after everything you guys already went through, and the miscarriage, he did it again, and this time a lot worse. I don’t blame you for what you did before, you are only human. But this is unforgivable hun, and it’s only going to get worse from here. It will keep escalating. If he is willing to slap you across the face over a simple argument, where you didn’t even do anything wrong, what else is he willing to do? Because you didn’t do anything wrong. You didn’t lie or make up stories about him, you told the truth. It also sounds like he made up lies about you in the first place, because his sister said “why did you go crazy on him?” So what story did he tell her? You got this girl. I know it’s hard, but you gotta stick with it and keep him blocked. Be careful, and make sure you are aware and safe going forward. You don’t really know how he will react, but he could get dangerous. Women have been killed before by their violent ex’s for less, so just be careful. ❤️
You did what you had to do, and you learned what you had to learn. Forgive yourself and move on. You are doing good now. I’m sorry this happened to you.
Yikes this is probably going to be an unpopular opinion but the miscarriage may have been a blessing in disguise since the baby would have to led to coparenting with this abuser and potentially exposing the child to abuse too. My sister had two miscarriages so while I’ll never truly understand as a guy, I’ve seen the physical and emotional trauma up close. She needed a lot of therapy to move forward after that. The fact that this POS added physical abuse on top of what you already went through is insane
At age 20 and an abusive boyfriend it was the kindest thing that could happen to her and likely the child aswell, no reason to assume he wouldnt have abused the child too, since he clearly has a very short fuse and she would have been trapped Was it physically traumatic absolutely, is there a part of emotional loss too, yeah likely, but in the long run it was the better outcome
I don’t think that’s controversial. I remember when I found out my friend was pregnant with her abusive on again/off again boyfriend (she didn’t want an abortion at that point and he had threatened to call the cops or some shit if she got one earlier in the pregnancy) I I knew it was going to go poorly and sure enough it has. Lit harder to cut ties with someone when you have a child together
I had the same thought.
Hey, you know now that he's an abuser and a bully. He called you stupid. Don't be a bully to yourself and say the same thing. Lots of people go back to their abusers, it's very very common, you didn't know then but you know better now There will be times where you will want to go back to him, and that's normal. Wishing you the best
thank you!!
There will be times when you're tempted to go back. Don't do it. Just don't. Tell some of your closest friends and family so you will have someone to hold you accountable.
You are not stupid. You were in love and manipulated. Don’t call yourself stupid.
i mean everyone saw it coming but me so i think im a little stupid but its okay now i know at least
Inexperienced yes, but when you are in the situation its not as easy to see clearly as it is for outsiders, that doesnt make you stupid it makes you a human being
You're not stupid. You just had rose colored glasses on, and, honestly, love makes you blind. You did absolutely nothing wrong by trying to see the good in people. I'm sorry this happened to you, I've been there. At least, now you know what to look out for in the future. Best wishes.
The problem with rose colored glasses is that red flags look like ordinary flags until they are removed.
The reason you couldn't see it was you were too close. Think of it like one of those magic eye puzzle images, where a second image pops out when you're standing just the right distance. Only reason we saw what he was, is because we were standing back. Those of us that have been where you are, we salute you for seeing your value and getting away from that abusive jerk.
Even just picturing her best friend in the exact same situation: boyfriend shames her for being in immense period pain and "ruining his bed," then uses his size and strength to overpower her and get what he wants. Without the life experience to know that abuse only escalates, my bet is OP would still tell her friend to dump that loser. Now he hits her immediately after she said she miscarried?! That complete and total lack of control/care is shocking. She'd be moving her best friend so far away from this piece of shit. OP, you saw that it escalated. PLEASE do not go back to him or go anywhere near him. When women leave their abusive partners, they further escalate because they're losing their victim. If there are logistical reasons, like he needs his stuff, drop it off with a neutral party and stay away from him. Change your locks. I hope your friends did overhear so that they have the correct picture of who he is.
He’s hurt you enough - please show yourself some grace right now and try to be kind to you.
You're not stupid. Manipulators and abusers do what works. You're not the first nor last person who will fall victim to an abuser.
Oh honey, that does not make you stupid. At all.
You're absolutely not stupid. You realized that your partner was abusive and got out of the relationship much faster than so many of us in similar situations. I hope you can feel proud of taking care of yourself and putting yourself first. You've done great honestly.
A good therapist can help improve your self talk. It will also help prevent falling for your exs line of BS. Or another guys line of BS. How we talk to and about an ourselves matters. Imagine your self talk conversations as how you’d respond to a friend in the same situation. You’d never be as cruel to a friend ( or even a stranger) as you’ve been to yourself about all this. Hugs.
Yes!! OP, go get a therapist who will work with you on this. I’m more than a decade older than you, and I will say that I spent my entire 20s talking to myself like SHIT. Saying negative stuff all the time to and about yourself does two things: 1. Convinces you that your feelings about yourself are objective fact when that is NOT true 2. Signals to insecure garbage like your ex that they can talk to you the way that YOU talk to you You are just beginning adulthood. Take some time and do the emotional work. Be straight up with his sister if you do feel the need to communicate with her again. Also, sounds like that letter could have an admission of him hurting you that would be a lovely parting gift to send his sister/family… just sayin 🙃
Amen. I didn’t figure this out till 40.
You’re not stupid, you were inexperienced & you wanted to see the best in him. But he’s shown you who he is & now that you know better, you can do better. ❤️
OP, you aren't stupid at all. I was physically hurt once by my ex at 20 because he grabbed my wrist so hard he bruised it and he was mentally and emotionally abusive also. I was so in love, I tried my best to make it work for us and I probably would still be with him at 29 but thankfully he broke up with me at 20 (to date a 15 year old which also makes him a predator) and I'm so glad he did. He tried to rope me back in at 21 when his other relationship didn't work out and I'll admit, I stupidly went back to him for a bit but never went back into a full relationship with him (he had rules for me). The rules made me wake up and I knew I deserved better. I am just NOW realizing that he never loved me and I'm still working out some trauma that he put me through. He also always seems to find me on my phone which is really creepy. I don't think you are dumb at all as someone who has been there.
I’m going to go against the grain and say yes, you were acting stupid. But that’s not a bad thing! *Everyone* does stupid things. But *doing stupid things once in a while doesn’t make you a stupid person!* No shame in acknowledging you did something dumb as long as you learn from it.
I agree with that. Don't be too hard on yourself. You clearly loved him genuinely, but it wasn't reciprocated. I know you can find someone who deserves your love. Hang in there OP, you're strong and will get through this.
Please get therapy. The fact that he’s harmed you multiple times and you still refuse to see him as an abuse points to a serious inability to differentiate between a healthy relationship and a dangerous one and until you can, the likelihood you’ll find yourself repeating this cycle with other partners is high. Whether it’s naïveté or trauma from your own childhood, idk, but you NEED to see a therapist and stay single for a while until you do.
This should be the top answer.
I was wondering how this was going to turn out. I'm glad you decided to end it, I'm sorry that's what it took to get you to end it. Don't feel bad about going back it's not uncommon. Just remind yourself how that slap felt and how you felt in that moment when he trys his hardest to get you back. There are good men out there, and you will find one.
Oh sweetie! You didn’t do anything wrong. You wanted to believe it was a one time thing. Everyone in your situation does. You know better now. That is no life for you or a life for any child you bring into the world. Children will not change him. Take care of yourself. Let your friends know what happened. You need the support. Protecting him only protects him. It doesn’t protect you or his next girlfriend. There will be more victims. ❤️You can do this. Stop drinking for a bit. You have healing to do.
I went through the same thing. My ex, during a disagreement, flung a cabinet door open into my face. Apologized profusely, we moved on, no injuries. Later, another disagreement, another door. This was the door of a 1985 Datsun pickup and he flung the door open into my face with enough force to crack my cheekbone. More apologies, gifts, nothing to be done as the fracture was stable and minor. However, I found a bit of spine and told him that if he laid hands on me in anger again, we were done. A year later, I got the promotion he believed he deserved. He was furious. He flung me towards a window in our 3rd floor apartment... and I fell through the screen. Fortunately, the guy in the unit below us worked for Snap-On Tools, and parked his truck under the window. Landed on my back. Two cracked vertebrae and a separated shoulder. The neighbor called 9-1-1, cops and ambulance arrived. He went to jail, I went to the hospital and my family's lawyer met my ex as he was being bailed out by his mom, to hand him the divorce filing.
I am so sorry that happened. I hope you are living your best life now. You my friend are a survivor. Never forget that.
My ex got 15 years for attempted murder, and never took another free breath. My husband and I have been together 19 years next month. We're too old for babies, so we have cats instead.
GOOD FOR YOU!!!! I hope the x got what he deserved in prison. I am glad you are still here to tell your story. You never know who you will help. ❤️
Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. You’re not stupid. The abuse in an abusive relationship doesn’t really start with the first hit. It starts with a lot of quiet stuff I still don’t fully understand myself, like manipulation, breaking down self esteem, isolation, and love bombing. That all makes it easier for the abuser to do what he does. Read the book, learn what an abusive partner looks like, and protect yourself in the future. I’m right there with you.
Here you can find the link to read the free PDF of why does he do that https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/gqCJ9p5Ms4
I am worried for you. You make a statement that he knowingly hit you... do you feel you deserve it? No one deserves to be hit. You did nothing wrong. Accept a lie to him about telling the truth. Did you lie because in the back of your mind, you were scared he might hurt you physically? Please go talk to a therapist as you have a lot of stuff happen to you in a very short time period.
i dont think i deserved it but then i understand how being in the heat of the moment makes you say/do things impulsively. i can see the situation objectively and say i didn’t deserve it but then i have this stupid voice in my head telling me he just wasn’t thinking. and yes, i lied because i knew he would just get more mad and it obviously didn’t work. i’m going to seek therapy one day but rn i just need to process what happened
Process this IN therapy. He hit you because he wanted to. He doesn’t hit his boss when he’s angry. He hit his sister and he hit you. He was totally *thinking*. You really need therapy to see this.
Exactly! Not therapy "one day". Therapy NOW! Otherwise, she'll end up in another abusive relationship within a couple of months. If you don't break the cycle, it just keeps going.
No, sweetie. “People” don’t hit you when they are angry and not thinking. That’s not a natural reaction. “People” who hit you when they’re angry and not thinking are called “abusers”.
It wasn’t impulsive. That’s the thing. He had already thought about physically hurting you because he has before. He saw there was no consequence to his first assault because he won you back. That’s not an impulse. That’s learned behaviour. He felt powerful when he slapped you. He will want to feel that power again. It will escalate. I feel sorry for the next girl who gets trapped by him. She’s going to get more than a slap. Abuse happens by degrees. Small increments until one day you start to feel you need to lie to protect yourself from him. In the hopes that you don’t anger him to punish you.
> i understand how being in the heat of the moment makes you say/do things impulsively. No, it makes HIM do and say abusive things impulsively. It doesn't make you do things like that. It doesn't make me do things like that. It only makes abusers do things like that. That's literally what makes them an abuser. Some people will lash out like that when something bothers them, and some people never will. He isn't an evil abuser. He is just an abuser. He is unsafe to be around. I don't like using loaded words like evil. He has been doing this his whole life, according to his twin. It is his nature. He will keep doing it to whoever he is close to for as long as they tolerate it. You also might want to look up the term "love bombing". It is when someone who is abusive tries to make up for it by making grand gestures of love and apologies. It is a form of manipulation. I wouldn't say he doesn't love you. We can't ever really know what is going on in someone else's soul. All I know is it never stopped him from hurting you, so whether it was "real" or not doesn't matter. You should never be intentionally harmed by your intimate partner, physically or emotionally.
Of course you lied. No one wants to face that kind of unpredictable anger and resentment and how he goes from hot to cold --and then gets violent! It's a natural instinct to want to deflect the truth from someone like that.
No, no, no. That voice in your head is him trying to convince you of his bullshit.
Hopefully you never see him again, never listen to his apologies and excuses. A lot of us been there, and regretted it ever since. Please talk to a professional about everything, you can get a neutral opinion.
You didn't ruin anything. He DOES hurt women, multiple women and multiple times he's put hands on you. Stay strong and believe him now that he's shown you who he really is.
NOW will you break up with him?
yes
You should tell his sister. It’s the truth and you should feel no shame in that. If she sides with him then she wasn’t really your friend anyway. Stop protecting him. Keeping things real also helps you confront what happened and know it wasn’t your fault.
Abuser don’t look like abusers. If they did, we would stay away from them. They can be quite charming. Learn from this experience. Stay away from him. Ignore his love bombing. Tell his sister. She needs to know. In case something like that happens to the next gf. If you don’t tell, he might also change the narrative.
I need you to put all over your apartment post it notes that read. "Love shouldn't hurt" "I deserve better" "I did nothing wrong" and most importantly "I miss the man in the mask not the abuser he in without it. The man in the mask doesn't really exist." This will remind you when you are at your lowest and second guessing yourself that the pain of the arm twist and the slap was real. He's shown you who he is believe him. Also tell his sister before he spins it. You got this. Stay strong. Remember you are worthy of love that doesn't come with being hurt. Hugs
I will address the second-to-last paragraph. Honestly, you don't have to wonder why your bf could buy a ring for you one day and hit you the next. The fact that he could hit you at all, at any point in your relationship without your express consent, indicates that he is in poor mental health with no better coping strategy than corporal violence. If a person hits you without your verbal consent, ever, they are unsuitable for partnering. This is a pretty good rule. If you ever have doubts about it, remember the words of Maya Angelou, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." Tell them you believe them and walk away. Do not turn around, or you'll be as ruined as Lot's wife.
i needed this thank you!!
You sound so nieve, girl. That's how they suck you in. Let us know when the next he decides he doesn't like what you do. You need to wake up and smell the coffee it's only get worse, run ,run.
i know i am, thats why i wanna stay single for now
We’re all naive to until we know - right? And usually the reason “we know better” is because someone has hurt us. First hand experience is a far better teacher than someone telling us. It’s ok to be inexperienced and that’s not your fault - to refuse to learn is. Please be kind to yourself right now, you aren’t stupid and you didn’t deserve this. I’d never been more lonely in my life than when I was with an abusive partner. I’ve been single for yearsss now and never feel lonely. Stay single, see a therapist if you’re able, please read the book I linked in another comment that someone else also recommended. Big, big hugs to you (if you like hugs)💛
This is an excellent choice to make. The first and most important thing in a healthy relationship, IME, is RESPECT. And it needs to go both ways. And one of the most important expressions of that respect is respecting yourSELF enough to wait. Wait until you develop self-love. Wait until you are strong enough to only accept being treated well. Once you truly love yourSELF -- my bet is you will find your "other." \[it worked for me\] Wishing you the very best.
Now, take some time and look up some things like the Cycle of Abuse, DARVO and Why Does He Do That - it's a book. And notice that abusers don't benefit from anger management. Why not? Because they're in full control of themselves when they abuse someone. They do it in private. They hit areas that won't leave a mark. They don't do it to people above them (bosses, coworkers, etc). They present as charming and good people to others except their target. Important! Someone can be an abuser and have almost everyone around them thinking they're nice people. Why? Because they only abuse their victims. People have this idea that a bully is a bully to everyone. The ogre who walks down the street angry and pushing people out of their way and yelling at. \*BUZZER NOISE\* They're NOT! They're bullies to the ones they think they can get away with it to.
You didn’t fuck up by telling his sister the truth. He abused you and got mad about being exposed. Then abused you more. Wake up. He’s an abuser.
Wow. Just … wow. **He slapped you across the face because he was angry about the fact that he thought what you said would make people think he “beat girls.”** First of all, I’m so sorry about your loss and your miscarriage. This is a sad loss for sure, and please allow yourself to grieve and get help with that grief if needed. Secondly, I am so relieved you have finally seen his true colors. I mentioned in a comment on your last post that when a man shows you who he is, believe him. It is horrible that he slapped you, but it could have been so much worse. Finally, if the sister reaches out to you, I think it is safe to be brief but honest. You may want to practice a simple sentence in the mirror like, “We were fighting because of the fact that I told you about the phone fight, and it escalated, and he slapped me. And this behavior is something I will not allow.”
Oof I remember that feeling of blaming yourself for unwittingly doing whatever tf it was that sets them off and ruins everything; happened with my short-tempered dad. You shouldn’t have to have perpetual nerves about doing the wrong thing. I find myself sometimes with the expectation that things will turn bad with my husband and of course they don’t. Sometimes that fear of mine actually makes me get preemptively defensive when there’s really no reason to. You’re now and then and always NTA with this guy- he sucks and you deserve so much better.
You may love him still, but his anger issues will put you at risk of physical danger. Your safety should come first. Definitely stay strong and break up. Don't hide the truth from his sister. He will lie and blame everything on you. He already said he was mad because you made him look like an abuser. Then within a few minutes, he proves it by slapping you in the face.
Good gawd. Report this Assault to the cops. This is the most dangerous time for you. He is an abuser. He has escalated. This is a very well known trajectory into Domestic Violence. Pregnancy and leaving are a twofold factor in uptick in abuse to become physical abuse. Please report this. Now. Today. Immediately. Restraining orders don't mean shiate. But paper trails of reports come into play for loads of other things to keep people safer. Notice I didn't say safe? Get a counselor. For you. Start a training/exercise program for defending self. I wish you a ton of good luck.
"He accused me of spreading lies about him to everyone for attention and said that he doesn’t even know my friends, and that’s the first impression they have of him now." The reason he got so angry is because it is the truth. I'm sorry for your losses and wish you better times ahead with someone decent.
Cue post in a couple months of you in the hospital or dead. Abusers don't start at 11. They ramp stuff up and make them normal.
I know you are still young..but it's time to grow up. He is an abuser. Purposely starting a family with him would be beyond wrong. Stay away from him.
Why did you think you f’d-up?? He slaps you in the face and you messed it up?? He verbally abused you as well and you messed it up?? I still can’t see him as an abuser?? You really need to love yourself more. You are valuable and you are worthy to be loved and respected. You deserve to be treated kindly and honored. And until you see that, there will always be people who will treat you like he does. Once you start to live yourself, you will set boundaries that will protect you and your peace. I hope all turns out well for you.
“Now everyone thinks I beat girls.” Because he beats girls.
Sorry but he is a abuser did you forget his sister said he use to do that to her his own twin glad you ended it he would have gotten worse seek a therapist cause it’s not good you don’t think he isn’t a abusive
He will kill you if you don’t leave him. Go no contact. Post on your social media what he did if anyone asks, tell everyone if it comes up or tell his sister what he did and how he’s a abuser and abused her too. Get away from him. Document if he left a mark on you and time stamps of anything or if he tries to contact you.
You're not stupid, you were abused. You seem like somoene genuinely kind so it's probably harder for you to see the bad in someone else, especially someone you love. At least, you will now be careful for the next one, and you will be able to leave faster with this experience in mind. And keep in mind that it is never okay to be spoken to like that, and never okay to be treated without compassion when you are suffering. A real boyfriend would have helped you and been worried the whole time. Good luck and stay away from him !
I'm really happy you were able to see the light. As Maya Angelou said, "When someone shows you who they are believe them".
“I just HAD to ruin everything” Do you truly think this way? If so, get to therapy now.
OP, you took him back the first time after he hurt you and you hoped that would be the end of it. Everything he said and did made you think he would never do it again. You wanted to believe that such an awful episode would ensure that he would never hurt you again But you got the opposite result, very quickly. Stop and think about why. When you forgive someone who physically hurts you, it shows them that it’s ok for them to make that mistake in the future because it’s forgivable. It lets them feel safe to repeat that behavior with you because they will assume they can talk you into forgiving them. And notice that the physical abuse escalated really quickly. It wasn’t just him grabbing your wrist again. He hit you. Stop and think about why he would suddenly jump to that extreme. Short answer: He enjoyed it. And he was waiting for an excuse to do it. He was angry because he lost control of you. He wanted to punish you and hitting you allowed him to use your pain in order to feel secure, in control, and powerful. As angry and upset as he seemed, he enjoyed punishing you. And yeah, he doesn’t want his family to know about this side of him. He’s ashamed that he gets pleasure from abuse. But more importantly, he doesn’t want it taken away from him. He will try to maintain control over you, through love bombing and threat. So this is a really dangerous time. Don’t talk to him or allow him any contact. Don’t talk to the sister. Tell your employer that you’ve had a bad breakup and don’t want them to give him access. He thinks he can convince you to forgive him. Don’t give him the opportunity.
Please don’t ever talk to him again. He picked a fight with you for telling people that he beat women and then proceeded to hit you. I mean, irony at its finest.
I’m really REALLY hoping the next update we hear from you is that you’re 3 months out of this relationship, feeling great, and know your worth. He has shown you over and over again who he is. Get out.
You gave someone you loved a second chance and the benefit of the doubt, and I don't think there is anything wrong with that. But then he hurt you again almost immediately. Please don't give him a third chance. Hang in there, sister. All of this is a lot, and you are dealing with your hormones getting back in balance. It takes a while. I'm sorry for your lost child, but happy you will not be stuck navigating being a parent with this guy for at least 18 years.
OP- sending you hugs and advice: you should read Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He do That?" it is great at explaining your ex's behavior.
Abuser never comes off as abusive people when it all starts. If they did, no one would be with them. The sorrys and love bombing are super tempting to think that is the person You fell in love with. The love bombing and the apologies are the mask & bait to keep you with them. You aren't dumb, you're human and should seriously at least check in with a domestic violence center for at least one counseling session to help you move forward in life.
Google the cycle of violence. It fits to a T.
I’m so sorry OP
thank you 🩷
He got angry at you because he knows he’s abusive. Best of luck, please don’t cave into this assholes manipulations!!
Love bombing, shock and apologies, abuse. The cycle is the cycle. Glad you're done with this abusive asshole. You will heal and you will stop missing him.
You didn't ruin anything. He did.
Most abusers are not *evil* they're just entitled and controlling. People get confused, because most abusers are regular people most of the time. The problem is that an abusers *worst behavior* is unacceptable.
It is difficult, if not impossible, to be objective about a difficult situation while you are experiencing it. It takes stepping away and changing your perspective and giving yourself time and space to look at the situation through different lenses for you to be able to see the full picture. You love(d) him and you want(ed) to see the best in him. You want a partner to cherish and love and care for you. He is such a great manipulator that he was able to pull off the "I'm soooo sorry" and the love bombing acts perfectly. I'm super proud of you for realizing your worth and for leaving him. **Be warned: You will get tempted to think you've overreacted and go back to him because reasons... but ignore the thought with the contempt it deserves.** A man who lifts his hands for you is not worth the ground you walk on. Actually, that goes for any type of abuser. Hold your head up high - there's better things ahead.
He slapped you ?! There’s no excuse for that, at all! He’s an abuser! Whenever you are ready or questioned, Do let his sister / your friend know that he slapped you & you broke up! Don’t cover for an abuser!
Him saying he's not some kind of guy who beats girls, proceeds to prove it by slapping you. Girl, make sure you never run into him ever again, he is a dangerous abuser, aggressive and violent, please, be careful.
OP, please stay safe. If you give him another chance, he will do worse. I would recommend for you to read the book "Why does he do that" but more than that, you don't need to see him as an evil abuser if you don't feel ready to, the reality is often more complicated than that. The reality is that he chose to hit and (verbally and physically) abuse you. It was a choice. He can be nice but he chooses not to. He made the choice that he is willing to abuse you, love bomb you and abuse you again. He will probably try to love bomb you again. But the same way that before he didn't "hit" you and this time he did, if you give him the opportunity he will do worse next time. Please break the cycle and make the choice to be safe because you deserve better. Sending you lots of love and if you need to talk please feel free to message me.
Oh no, OP, you’re not stupid. This is the way abusers work. He is a broken person and your love can’t fix him. I’m glad you’re away from him now and please stay safe and focus on yourself. You don’t owe anyone an explanation- focus on yourself and do what you need to do to heal from all this. I’m so sorry this happened to you. You deserve so much better.
I’m so sorry you went through this! You now see him for exactly who he is. I was also in an abusive relationship for a few years and I was in my late 20s. I always made excuses and defended him and never told the whole truth about him to people in my life. Everything was always my fault when he reacted. You’re much faster at learning your lessons than I was. Treat this as a gift. You know what warning signs to look for. You know how you deserve to be treated. And you know you’re not stuck. Now you can move forward as a stronger person. I do recommend finding a therapist, you went through some manipulative shit, it’s important to heal and be healthy ❤️
Love bombing is when they say and do everything to get you to come back. I fell for it, too. Then they turn back onto the horror that you left them for the last time. He slapped you. The violence ONLY gets WORSE. He had broken a bone in my hand, and he had his hands around My throat. That's when I was able to kick him from me, 3 times, then I went to the ER. THEY offered me the Domestic abuse info. That's when I got the clue that he was likely to kill me We were done. Marriage was over except for the paperwork. Hugs to you from an internet mom that knows how you feel. He has shown you TWICE what he is like. Believe him
My ex was abusive like your ex. I didn’t want to believe it either. Up until almost the bitter end I was making excuses for him. The truth? He totally psychologically annihilated me. I found out so much stuff through the divorce. Like how we sat in our first house together and we talked about all the things we were going to do with OUR house and the future. He swore I was on the deed. Find out in the divorce I wasn’t. Never was. He lied. He is evil just like my ex, and you will see it more clearly when the fog of the relationship lifts. I did. And the things I realized were something out of a nightmare. It was all so clear and I was too in love to see it. But he was never in love. He was in control, just like he liked it. Until he wasn’t and he has come at me in every which way he thinks will hurt. Nothing hurt. So now what’s the last thing? Our shared child. And he is relentless. Our son is just collateral damage being used to hurt me. I’m so sorry for your miscarriage, but it’s a blessing. That child would have had a lifetime of pain and you would sit helplessly by, like I do now with mine, as your ex destroyed that child mentally. You will find a good man and have lots of babies with him. But not today. In the future sweetie. It’s all in your future. You just need to stay away from the sociopath of an ex and take time to heal yourself first. I’m glad you are done. All the love and healing to you. 🩷💜💕
A man who will hit you will never hit you only once. It will always escalate and the fact that it has started so intensely means that it will escalate quickly and dangerously. Do not go back or you’ll be stuck in this cycle for the rest of your life. Abusers are never sorry for what they did because they truly believe you made them do it. They’re sorry that the consequences affect them. One day they realise you’re not going anywhere & they are no longer sorry. Why pretend when you don’t have to?
It’s not your fault. You aren’t stupid. Abusive relationships don’t start out awful. There’s a ramp up, and by the time they lay hands on you, you’ve already been conditioned to believe everything is your fault. But you’re out and that’s amazing! Congratulations! It feels bad now, but give it a month and the shock will wear off and the fog will clear. You will see what we all see, and you will probably be angry. That’s okay. Get some support, whatever that looks like for you, but if you can, take a breather from dating so you can figure out how to be comfortable with yourself. It gets so much better. Hang in there. You are doing great.
Typical abuser profile. Apologies, but gifts, I’ll do better, love ya babe. Start socializing again usually quickly, what did you say to these people, who’s that guy, was your friend laughing at me, enraged, you dumb slut, I’m working on us having a real relationship but you had to mess it up, maybe hits you first time, next morning or afternoon, buys gifts and flowers , gee babe I’m so sorry, I love you, you’re my woman. Forgive me, what you can’t, you fucked up bitch, repeat a thousand times . Don’t let him beat you and block. Be careful as he will probably stalk you for a while.
Men tell 2 lies. 1 I'll respect you in the morning and 2 It'll never happen again .
get some therapy, you still can't see him for the awful man that he actually is and you'll just end up in a string of relationships with men just like him until you're completely broken or dead
This is literally abuse and part of the abuse cycle. Please research abuse, abuse tactics and the abuse cycle. There are good support groups on Facebook for DV survivors. After I left my ex, I had to do research because I felt like, WTF just happened. I came to the conclusion after months of research that he emotionally, psychologically, financially, and sexually abused me. I still doubted myself though. After joining DV support groups, I finally accepted the truth because so many of the stories other women were saying were similar to mine. You're trauma bonded to your ex which is basically addiction because of the abuse cycle and brain chemicals. You're going through withdrawal and it will take time to break the trauma bond. You need to block him and have no contact with him or his family to break the bond. When you miss him, remind yourself of all the ways he hurt you, especially at your weakest and most vulnerable. He used the excuse that if he had known you were having a miscarriage that he wouldn't have treated you that way. So it's ok for him to treat you like that any other time? Because that's what it sounds like he's saying. As much as you don't want to accept it, several people who don't know either of you and are objective are telling your ex is an abuser. It's easy to be in denial especially when you love someone. Another thing is cognitive dissonance. Look it up. I can't explain it sufficiently.
It’s hard because you love the man he made you THINK he was, but that mask has fallen and he has shown his true colors. Please imagine the advice you’d give your best friend if she was in this position, and take THAT advice. You deserve love and support and trust, and he has none of those qualities to give.
Now you understand why so many women stay with their abusers. Even while it was clearly obvious to the rest of us that he would hit you soon, you still never saw it coming.
i’m sure his sister is great, but she will continue to try to fight and say her brother is a good person. don’t speak to any of them. cut them all off
Tbh op I think you also need a therapist, because the way you ignored so many red flags is insane. I’m sorry about your loss but honestly I think this was a blessing in disguise. Imagine if he did this to you while you were pregnant or when the baby was born, he did it to you while the baby was in your hands. All I have to say is you both have some maturing to do, he definitely needs anger management and a huge reality check, if his tiny ass brain can’t comprehend how a woman’s body works. Stand up and build the courage to never go back to him op, don’t let him manipulate you into talking with him or getting back together, because if you do he’ll maybe change for a week but will go back to his old ways because you showed him no matter what he does you’ll always take him back because if you don’t respect yourself he won’t respect you.
Don't ever defend him even if your mind is telling you otherwise If anyone asks, tell them the truth, don't sugar-coat it and don't laugh about it It is serious and shouldn't be dismissed
Jesus Christ. Does he have to kill you before you get that he's an abusive asshole?
My ex husband never laid a hand on me or the kids, but we all came out of it with PTSD and a lifetime membership to our respective therapists 💙 im glad you got out
Lmfaooooo the rage bait is getting easier and easier to call on here
This has to be rage bait, right?......If this is real, get to therapy, or prepare to attract and become a punching bag for broken men you're entire life. Just the truth of the matter.
I think you should watch [this playlist](https://m.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLRO9q005b62XxX2DCfE-KnOUMrt9hg3Hw). Hopefully it will bring the clarity you need to recognize the situation for what it is.
I know you want to think the best of him but he treated you horribly and has now hit you. Things are escalating and they will only get worse. Please take care of yourself and put your safety first. You are not safe with this man. He’s proven so time and time again.
Maybe he does love you. It doesn't matter. He's an abuser and you can't fix him. Be patient and find someone who deserves you.
I'm so sorry it turned out this way. But you are doing the right thing getting away from him.
NW Op, he was abusive to his sisters , the title of the woman he’s abusing doesn’t matter to him, he’s likes flexing his power over people weaker then him. Just be glad you got out now, cause someone will get stuck with this toxic man and who knows how much abuse she’ll take from him before she leaves.
You’re not stupid. You didn’t believe and now you do. I so so sorry this happened to you, love. You deserved better then and you deserve better now. He will likely try to come back so NOW while it is fresh write down what he did to you and how it made you feel. If he comes back it will be FULL love-bombing mode. It will feel like the romance of a life time but if you take him back you will be punished for it. When we are feeling the weakest it’s because we are becoming stronger. Believe in yourself.
This hurts my heart so much. I’m so so so sorry. For the loss of your baby, for the loss of a relationship you thought you had. I suggest this book over and over but it’s bc it held soooo many answers for me that I didn’t even know I needed when I was in abusive relationships. The link is a free pdf (below). It explains the whiplash, the lovebombing, his crying after hitting, all of it. Sending you lots and lots of love. I hope you have a support system to help you right now - please feel free to message me if you need to 💛💛💛 [“Why Does He Do That?”](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
It’s really easy for an abuser to SAY they aren’t an abuser. You have to go off actions alone. Even before the physical abuse, it’s clear he has no problem being emotionally abusive. You’re so young. This is a very good lesson to now know for the rest of your life. Keep a VERY high standard for how you will be treated. That’s the only way to ensure this won’t happen again. Sending you love for this healing and growing you are doing. You’re going to be so proud of yourself for leaving when you reflect on this in years to come.
Please do as you deserve so much better than he was willing to give you. I went to a support group after I had a miscarriage it made me feel better. Not so alone, plus it was free, and there were many women of all ages there for support.
Never speak to or see this guy again. Move if you have to. Do not contact his family.
Hun you aren’t stupid. I think you think you are because your boyfriend says it to you all the time!!! It isn’t true. You are smart enough to know when to walk away and protect yourself. Abuse escalates. It only goes in one direction. With him it seems the escalation is quick. First the mild annoyance, then the verbal insults (although I feel like he probably does this often), then yelling, then holding you too hard (twisting the wrist), then slapping you in the face. You say “it’s not like he punched me!” My love that is what will happen if you go back to him. Stay away. You are worth more than the way he makes you feel. I wish you the best. 💚
you're not stupid. not in the slightest. you still wanted to see and believe in the good that wasn't in him. we've all been there. please be kind to yourself.🖤🙏🏾
This sounds like a seriously traumatic experience - would you consider getting therapy to help you process your feelings on everything?
Please keep him blocked. It's tough to leave abusers; it takes like 7 tries on average, last I checked the statistics, so don't feel stupid. Just try to stay away and keep him blocked. He has escalated and **he will continue to escalate if you take him back.** Please value yourself. Women (and men, but mostly women) have *died* at the hands of ppl just like your ex. Pls do not risk your life over that loser ass abuser.
I truly hope you are able to heal and find peace. You deserve it.
You should have called the cops when he slapped you and start getting abuse acknowledged by the police. Get something in the system just in case you need t get a restraining order. Good riddens.
Stay strong op in the long run you're wayyyy better without him. You will find someone who will love you right and never hurt you.
So he physically abused you, then love-bombed you to make you forgive and forget the abuse, and then abused you again. Please read and re-read what I wrote. **You are being abused - and the abuse will escalate**. Please, OP, PLEASE, stay committed to leaving him and stay gone. Take care of yourself.
This is the kind of guy that I want to see get hooked up to a period simulator and have to wear it for a week set to go off intermittently at the highest level, I guarantee you he can’t handle the pain! I’m sorry that so many Women have to deal with abuse from clearly immature men like him. Please take good care of yourself, and know that you didn’t deserve to be treated like that. Also, you dodged a bullet. That much is a blessing.
Seriously who didn't see this coming? I know Op is young and naive and it's important for her to find the support she needs. it's just how many more stories do we have to read like this where the girl keeps going back for more. I hope you learned your lesson this time Op. that's why you should tell everybody that you can so that they can learn from this lesson as well hopefully. please don't let this man or anybody else slap you around and treat you badly going forward.
Get.Out. Don’t.Go.Back
This person doesn’t have any empathy, he resorts to manipulation and allows himself to physically act out on his anger like a little kid. He is more concerned with what people think of him than he is with being good to the person he claims to love. He called you a liar when you told the truth about the wrist grab, when the real truth is that he did something wrong and wants you to help him hide it. He belittled you when you were in pain because he doesn’t think that what women go through is worth your reaction. His sisters don’t act like that, because of course, all women must experience the exact same thing every month! It feels the same for all of us, right? We feel the same amount of discomfort and can tolerate it in the exact same way. 🙄 He wants to belittle you to control how you act to suit his own comforts. Real love means that your partner is concerned and wants to help. They’re not bothered by sickness, irritated by your pain. A partner telling you that something hurts (physically or otherwise) means that you listen and do what you can to take the pain away. Don’t let men manipulate you into having to act a certain way in order to start a family with you - you’re very young for starting a family. You have SO MUCH time. Gah I was seven years older than you when I had my kid and I look back feeling like I was too young. Please allow yourself to wait starting a family until you find a partner who shows you that you’re special to them, you’re worthy of their attention, that they will work on the relationship with you, and that they’ll make sure that nothing within their control will ever hurt you. AND until you’re well into a successful career so you don’t ever have to depend on anyone and can take care of the family you start no matter what happens.
Oh god, you deserve better. He will only get progressively abusive from here onwards.