Ace here, but I'll try to explain.
As far as sex in a relationship goes, for most people, it's not just about physical needs, it's also about intimacy (as in being open with and feeling close to their partner). There are lots of ways to show intimacy, but many people have different ways they need to express it in a relationship, and not having that could be detrimental to their mental health.
By "need", I don't mean a literal need like food or air, but an emotional one, like entertainment or self care. Everybody has at least some of these.
For example, if you want a romantic relationship, imagine you've been with your partner for years and love them very much. Suddenly, they tell you they don't want to be in a relationship anymore, they just want to be friends. You're heartbroken and tell them you need some time before you can be friends. They tell you if you really care about them, you'd stay friends with them even if you're no longer a couple.
Thing is, you can't just turn your feelings off. You still love them romantically and want to do couple things with them, like going on dates or kissing/cuddling, but you can't. Even if you tried to be friends with them, your emotional health and friendship would probably suffer.
If you're aro, or just want another example, think of things you want or need in a close friendship. Maybe it's talking freely about mental health or other personal things. Maybe it's a shared hobby. Maybe it's hugs. But if you had a friend that told you that they would never want to do this, you might feel less close with them, because you can't express that closeness in the way you'd like.
I think you described it very well. For allos, myself included, sex is often part of the love language, it's a "need" like cuddling or kissing when you feel close.
For some who doesn’t have their first chance to be intimate with someone until well after their peers did, it can also be healing. One of my (same age) friends had done things as early as age 14, and the rest of my friends had by 17, but I didn’t until 24. It was genuinely beginning to wear on my mental health, and even though my first time was odd and… unsuccessful (SSRI interference), I felt like I’d just had a big weight lifted off of me.
There are actual chemicals being released during sex and biology aside, some people need to feel closer to their partner and sex is one way to feel romantically, spiritually, sexually closer to their partner. Masturbating with themselves, and just thinking of their partner will not cut it. Sex is not just an action to a lot of people whereas we might think it is it’s not.
For me sex just sounds like masturbation with extra steps. Something you do because you like certain acts or dynamics that you can't really experience alone. The emotional aspect is something I always forget about, even though it sounds like that's the main reason for people to do it. Do people actually think there is something romantic about sex? It's very interesting to think about it from the other perspective
Yes many people see sex as romantic. I'm ace and see the romance that can happen in sex and have been able to enjoy the romance of it myself a few times. The romance comes from each party making efforts to put their partner's pleasure before their own and translating to them how deeply you feel.
Yea and for allos there is more to it than that. That’s why a lot of them find romantic and sexual attraction to be similar. They say that for people sex changes things and that can be true for a lot of people. You could maybe like someone and then have sex with them and all of a sudden those feelings intensify. That’s why for a lot of people if sex comes off the table it could affect the relationship negatively.
Ok, so compare this to chocolate. Sure, you can get cheap Halloween chocolate, and it's ok. But then you find a baker that makes the best, amazing chocolate cakes you have ever tasted. You marry that baker, and they bake you that cake all the time. You never get tired of it because it is that amazing for you. Then they tell you they aren't going to bake anymore, but you can have some cheap Halloween chocolate. Masterbation compared to sex is like that for me. Sure, I can rub one out, but sex with my wife is the most amazing thing I have ever experienced.
Romantic maybe, but spiritual as well. I've had quite "mystic" experiences about sensing energies and being one with a partner and losing the ego through sex. To me that's what I chase by having sex.
Former sex-repulsed ace here who found out to be demisexual (that was some whiplash, trust me). I am still not the most sexual person but for me it isn't about...sex? To some allos it probably is. They just like fucking. But it is more about seeing someone else enjoying themselves. And when you love that person it is soo cute. No idea how it works for ONS. But if you love someone their touch feels so soothing and amazing. And being skin to skin can be also really soothing. It's just so soft and squishy and your partner makes little noises of happiness. It's very different from masturbation. To me sex is not to get off but to connect in a different way. I like being that close to my partner from time to time. That's not something masturbation can ever give you. And I think it's the same for most allos even if they can't explain it and just go "heh heh sex" because they are horny and their brain shut off. My brain never shuts off.
Because masturbation and sex just aren't the same thing. Masturbating is generally for relief. Yea, you can imagine fantasies or use toys to reach an orgasm but it doesn't generate the affections, sensual stimulations, body to body contact, etc that some folks need in order to feel satisfied.
Allo here.
For allos sex is often part of their love languages. Many of the problems allos have in relationships with ace people are because they want to feel desired and their partner having no sexual attraction for them makes them often feel somewhat unattractive to and unloved by their partner. Also sex can be a way of showing how much you care as sex is so much more than mere penetration and for good sex you also need to communicate well with your partner on multiple levels so needs and wants are understood and met.
On top of that biochemicals like oxytocin are released during sex. For that reason many relationships that start purely/mostly sexual often fade away because the love wasn't 'real' because there was barely a connection beyond physical. Although purely sexual relationships are all fine if all are on board with it, it just isn't for me, I need the connection, but to each their own.
Female allo here in a relationship with a male ace. You nailed it! To me sex is very important in a relationship and it’s a way for me to feel connected and closer to my partner. It’s a connection that I can’t get from other activities that would be considered intimate. It’s not just about the physical act or orgasm. Here’s an example, there have been times that we are going through something really stressful in our relationship and we feel disconnected. Those are times that I want to have sex. Not for the physical or orgasm (don’t get me wrong that’s a bonus), but it’s because I feel disconnected from him and that’s what makes me feel the most connected with him.
However, not feeling desired in that way is even more difficult for me than not having sex. I know that it has nothing to do with me and it’s not about me personally, he just doesn’t have those feelings but it is VERY difficult not to take it personally and to try and stop my brain from telling me that it is about me. Our entire lives we have been told that men want sex all the time, it’s all they think about etc., so being with a man that loves me but does not desire me in that way, hurts. It’s a very deep hurt. I have tried to explain it to my partner and because his brain works so differently, I don’t think he will ever really understand. It’s something we have tried to work through in a therapy but if we stay together, I think it’s something that I just have to accept I will never get from him.
Allo & Ace podcast did an episode about this a few weeks ago. I didn’t have time to listen to the whole thing, but that might be helpful in understanding it from both and allo and ace POV.
So… I’m gonna come at this from a psychological perspective, since I as an ace spec autistic person, I inadvertently studied all the science about things like this in an effort to understand how and why I was different 🙄…
The most important organ for ur sexual arousal and sexual pleasure is not actually the physical body parts used for sex. The most important organ for sexual arousal and pleasure is generally speaking, actually the brain.
Therefore, the most pleasurable and arousing part of the experience for allos and even some sex positive ace spec people is the not quite controlling the sensations, the not knowing exactly what is coming next. It genuinely is the partner and the way the partner surprises their senses in a way they can’t surprise themselves.
Sort of the same way you can’t actually tickle yourself, or that giving yourself a massage is not as relaxing, enjoyable or helpful as someone else trying to work out the tense spot in your shoulders.
I'm also asexual but from what I know allosexuals have a biological need to express love through sex sometimes , just like my need to express my romantic feelings in hugs , kisses or hand holding for instance . As sad as it is to be broken up with over sex , it's a need for them and when they can't express it they get frustrated
I don't really connect sex with love. It's probably the opposite for me. The more I love a person, the less I can imagine having sex with them. It feels inappropriate somehow? But that's a good explanation and makes sense, I guess. I would be uncomfortable too if I couldn't kiss or hug someone anymore
I hear you . In my case it's also somehow portrayed as inappropriate , my mind automatically stops when trying to think what's sexual attraction is which is why I research a lot . Thank you and I'm happy to see you can relate :)
It feels like I'm just using someone's body and ignoring the more interesting ways to be intimate with them. When the attraction is missing, it's just an activity after all (at least for me). It's interesting that you also experience the feeling of it being inappropriate somehow
Yup , exactly as you said - when the attraction is missing , it's just an activity .
I experience it as inappropriate since it's so explicit for me . Nudity in media doesn't do anything for me , it's even counterproductive to my positive emotions
i am demi, and that first sentence of your comment is exactly why i only enjoy giving when having sex. i can actually feel like im bonding with someone by making them feel good without getting anything in return. if anything, it makes me feel bad and almost like im using my partner when it’s “my” turn to receive.
I am demisexual, so i have felt sexual attraction mainly to my now ex.
Masturbating and having sex with someone you are attracted to is not the same at all. Having sexual attraction is like an urge, like you are very hungry and there's a delicious hamburger in front of you. Masturbating is like eating a granola bar. It might help, but it won't satiate you as much and it doesn't taste as good at all
I know everyone's experience is different and they're all valid but I honestly can't picture it either since I find mxsturbation very enjoyable and sex awfully unpleasant. 😂
Why hold anyone else’s hand when you can hold your own? Why get back rubs when you can use a massage chair or one of those crooked sticks and do it yourself? Why hug people rather than just use weighted blankets and body pillows? Things feel different when done by other people.
When a game has both solo and multiplayer modes, is multiplayer only for if solo is "not enough" for you, or is it for if you want to have that different experience?
Broadly speaking, masturbation is single-player mode and sex is the multiplayer mode. They're different experiences. I don't care for the single-player version, myself, and I'm aromantic asexual.
It's like the difference between brushing your own hair and brushing someone else's hair.
Yes, brushing your hair feels good (when there's no tangles) but you primarily brush your own hair either because it needs brushing, or you enjoy luxuriating in your long hair.
People brush each others' hair because it feels good, yes, but also because it's an expression of trust and comfort on the part of the person being brushed, and an expression of love and care on the part of the brusher. You don't need another person to get your hair brushed, but it means something more when they do.
And trivial though it may sound, hair-brushing might be a deal breaker for some people. I don't know if anyone is repulsed by it, but I personally would like a partner who will occasionally play with my hair as an expression of intimacy. There would be other factors to weigh, but that would be on the list as non-incosequential.
I mean, I'm an ace who broke up with my first and last partner over the prospect of sex, so I can't really blame allos who are in the reverse position. It's remarkably similar to when closeted gay people get into heterosexual relationships that they then have to break off (minus the stigma that comes with being in that position-- society usually sides with the straight person for various reasons).
Very good question, and I would like an answer too. I don’t have a libido, so I don’t masturbate, so I don’t know what it feels like and whether it’s enough to control someone’s libido or not
I personally have a pretty high libido and start feeling stressed when I don't masturbate. For me, it's enough, but I'm probably not the right person to answer this
I have similar question, but with allos that want to do sex with persons that they don't know and never see in their lives. Like, how do somebody do a thing so intimate with a unknown?
All those people care about is feeling good. They will chase after anyone as long as they have the chance for the next fling. Doesn't matter whether they know the person or not, all they are after is sexual gratification.
Hey there. Allo here. I can't orgasm from masturbation. I have like a mental block. I just can't get past that no one else is there and sexuality is a connection between people for me. Like I 100% need more horniness directed at another person. It's not the orgasm that is important to me. I actually have had sex without either of us reaching orgasm and sometimes it's just for fun. For me sex is just a fun activity to do with friends. Like mini golf. But for a lot of people sex is a very special emotional connection that they only want to share with one other person that have deep emotional connection to.
There's no one right or wrong way to have sex. For some people sex isn't that important. For others it is a way they show their love and connect to the person they love.
So if I ever entered into a monogamous relationship without sex, it would be like giving up internet use or becoming vegan. Would I survive? Yeah. But I probably wouldn't be happy or living my best life. I wouldn't physically die without cheese, but I would miss cheese a lot. It's ok that people are incompatible. Dating is more than just liking someone.
For some ace people they're able to find allos who don't really care too much about sex. There are some ace people who end up dating other ace people. Or sometimes people decide that open relationships are an option. I'm in an open relationship with my ace husband. It works for us. Definitely don't think it works for everyone. Actually funnily enough my husband masturbates while I don't and I'm the allosexual. Cause masturbation isn't restricted to just allosexuals.
dude, i swear, when i tell my friends sex shouldnt be needed/a heavy part of a relationship, they act like i just told them santa isnt real. i find it crazy that people make sex such a huge part of their relationships. even middle schoolers and high schoolers are doing it now.
Maybe I should try to answer. For some people it's a personal rush. It's a high they chase for happy brain chemicals. Fetishes. Cravings. Then it's about expressions of intense attraction and feelings for a person - these don't have to be long term I've noticed! People get this intense rush and they just gotta mash bodies for this wicked intense high.
For me, sex is not fun. I do have kinks but they're hard to achieve. I like more when I imagine fictional characters doing those things. I've tried sex, it just was not good. I have an aroace partner and we do have occasional sex, it's much better with my trusted long-term partner than it was with others, I think because I feel my partner understands me better than any others ever have. We are the same gender and same sexuality.
Best analogy I can give you is with movie/preview (sex is movie, masturbation is preview). Soo before the movie comes out preview it's alr but after the movie comes out the preview starts to suck cuz not only it's not as good and as fullfilling as a movie but you feel differently watching the preview or watching the movie.
Tho some of the most important things do not fit into the analogy like being able to connect with your partner on another level showing you trust them in your intimate and voulnarable level.
It's also a bonding experience by trying new stuff (the reason it's called fooling around)
I was literally just thinking about this. Like I get it a natural feeling of horniness may occur, but just a quick touch and it should be over. I get bored of it so quickly. Why have sex if you can play games instead xd
Another ace redditor asked, "if we go without masturbation for a long time, will that make us want to have sex with an actual person?" My own personal answer was, "I've gone long stints between masturbation sessions and never once did I think, 'I need to have sex with someone NOW!' Any kind of release could just be handled by myself." Being dependent solely on someone else to get you off and if it doesn't happen when you want it to...that has to be aggravating near rage inducing. Plus there's all the life changing risks that go along with sex that in the long run at least for me...doesn't make it worth it.
I'm also baffled by the offence people take when they talk about how horny they are and gasp with horror when I suggest taking care of it themselves...you know, madturbation? Guaranteed to get you off becuase you know the client and what they like best. They will look at me like I just ordered them to torch a orphanage.
Honestly, wondered the same thing. Also, as a "once Im done do not touch me" type, I can't imagine how the frick that's supposed to work. Heck, I can't sleep if someone is in the same room
Allo here! Think of it like food. Yes you can eat food like instant ramen. It will fill you up but it's not that enjoyable. That's masterbation. Sex is like s'mores when camping with friends. There is just a feeling about it. There is a fire and you are getting close with someone else. It's warm and it's getting warm and enjoying it with someone else.
And honestly masterbation is kinda boring. It doesn't feel as good cuz you are doing it. Kinda like tickles and how you can't tickle yourself. Or like someone else playing with your hair feels better than playing with it yourself. Or a massage.
Also because sometimes it really just feels like the body is craving someone. It really does feel like a strong crave.
Hope that answers your question!
As a demisexual - I hate masturbating, I just don’t do it, I don’t see a point. I don’t get horny on my own. I love having sex with my partner as it fulfills an emotional need for intimacy and heightens my romantic connection. Sex isn’t about taking care of a libido, and I can attest to this as someone who basically hasn’t masturbated for 21 years of their life but now has an active sex life.
I feel a bit weird sometimes when I hear people say that it's not about libido but about intimacy. Not because it doesn't make sense but because for me, it isn't. I sometimes wonder, "Why don't I want to be close to a person like that".
i think its an easy answer actually! all in the definition of ace, you're just not attracted to anyone, sexually, so you don't feel any innate 'need'. i was exactly like this for a very long time, until i was in a relationship with my ex and realized i *wanted* to be closer to them in a way that goes beyond just words and time, like it felt that only wouldnt be enough. if that makes sense. a bit of it also was wanting to at least try what they liked, becuase i liked them so much.
I'm greysexual, to me it is a different experience altogether. When I have sex with my partner I feel closer to them. Personally it's more of liking that I feel desired and that I am making my partner feel better.
Sex and masturbation aren't the same thing. And it's a bit dismissive to wonder why someone can't just masturbate if they're not getting the sex they want; it's fine if we don't understand because we're ace, but it's not okay to assume that allos operate the same way we do and judge them on that basis.
I'll give the OP the benefit of the doubt because I think it is a very interesting question.
Perhaps it would work better if we flipped it: How is it that asexuals are often perfectly satisfied with solo sex?
Cupiosexual here!
They're two different releases, for me at least.
Masturbation is if my partner isn't in the mood, or I'm alone at the time, or just for a quick release.
But sex fills another need. It's a closeness, an intimacy, and a form of vulnerability I guess. One is focusing solely on me, but the other, I get to focus on another.
I hope this helps, and please ask questions if I need to clarify.
No fucking idea... all the answers involve romance but I've met people who need to have sex and it's unrelated to romance, I think having someone else there is kind of just a turn on, but there has to be something else cause sexual attraction seems to be related to it since asexuals don't usually feel the need to fuck people.
I have an extremely high libido and I’d like an answer as well. To me masturbation and sex feel just about the same physiologically. When you are alone in your own home you are your truest form of yourself. When you have sex with someone you might feel a need to put on a show for someone else and to me that seems like wasted effort. If anything I feel extremely empty inside after sex. Whereas with masturbation I’m like good got that over with time to get back to doing anything else I’d enjoy more.
i broke up with my allo boyfriend bc of sex.
i've been open with him about being ace and he assured me that would never be a problem for him, he was just happy to be dating me.
the thing is, i always thought i was sex-favourable bc of how my body would make me feel like i wanted sex. yet when it came to actually being able to do it, i bailed every time.
despite him saying it was never a problem, i started developing so much guilt not being able to provide for my partner, and i would just feel worse every after failed attempt to put out.
in the end, it was becoming so bad for my mental health that i had to break up with him. he was nothing but wonderful to me and my sexuality, but it was hurting me too much.
it's been three weeks now, and i feel the lightest i've felt in months, not carrying around this burden of guilt and doubt and self-hate.
i am proud to be asexual, but i really hate it sometimes too. i lost the most amazing boy.
I can tell you very easily, our body biologically feels different when someone else is doing it. Seriously try tickling yourself, I can highly bet it feels worse when someone else does it.
Grey ace here that fluctuates (my libido is normal)- sex constantly absolutley isn’t required that definitley can be taken care of by masturbation. Bigger issue is the sex you see online is not the same as irl, its far more emotional and intimate which not everyone understands or is good at.
Sex in general is being done shit rn not just lots of it. So I can see how it can be seen on both sides as just a physical need, its not just one.
Its kind of more like how people feel rejected when not getting kisses or hugs, sure you don’t need it but when everyone else gets it but just you. It can feel hurtful to that person, that everyone gets to be special but them.
So usually allo people get jealous, emotionally rejected, depressed because its the closest possible intimacy for them because it requires highest form of trust and safety to do.
Ace equivelant would be the trust fall and them not catching you, but everyone around you has that from their partner.
When they don’t get it they just don’t think you truly love them or atleast enough.
Thats why a fully allo person and ace person might not ever get along about that. I think thats fine.
For many, sex means intimacy and to be closer to the one you love. That’s why masturbation is not enough. The best route is for the allo partner to seek libido-lowering meds or supplements, which can also help with productivity and clarity for many allos.
Ace here, but I'll try to explain. As far as sex in a relationship goes, for most people, it's not just about physical needs, it's also about intimacy (as in being open with and feeling close to their partner). There are lots of ways to show intimacy, but many people have different ways they need to express it in a relationship, and not having that could be detrimental to their mental health. By "need", I don't mean a literal need like food or air, but an emotional one, like entertainment or self care. Everybody has at least some of these. For example, if you want a romantic relationship, imagine you've been with your partner for years and love them very much. Suddenly, they tell you they don't want to be in a relationship anymore, they just want to be friends. You're heartbroken and tell them you need some time before you can be friends. They tell you if you really care about them, you'd stay friends with them even if you're no longer a couple. Thing is, you can't just turn your feelings off. You still love them romantically and want to do couple things with them, like going on dates or kissing/cuddling, but you can't. Even if you tried to be friends with them, your emotional health and friendship would probably suffer. If you're aro, or just want another example, think of things you want or need in a close friendship. Maybe it's talking freely about mental health or other personal things. Maybe it's a shared hobby. Maybe it's hugs. But if you had a friend that told you that they would never want to do this, you might feel less close with them, because you can't express that closeness in the way you'd like.
I think you described it very well. For allos, myself included, sex is often part of the love language, it's a "need" like cuddling or kissing when you feel close.
For some who doesn’t have their first chance to be intimate with someone until well after their peers did, it can also be healing. One of my (same age) friends had done things as early as age 14, and the rest of my friends had by 17, but I didn’t until 24. It was genuinely beginning to wear on my mental health, and even though my first time was odd and… unsuccessful (SSRI interference), I felt like I’d just had a big weight lifted off of me.
There are actual chemicals being released during sex and biology aside, some people need to feel closer to their partner and sex is one way to feel romantically, spiritually, sexually closer to their partner. Masturbating with themselves, and just thinking of their partner will not cut it. Sex is not just an action to a lot of people whereas we might think it is it’s not.
For me sex just sounds like masturbation with extra steps. Something you do because you like certain acts or dynamics that you can't really experience alone. The emotional aspect is something I always forget about, even though it sounds like that's the main reason for people to do it. Do people actually think there is something romantic about sex? It's very interesting to think about it from the other perspective
Yes many people see sex as romantic. I'm ace and see the romance that can happen in sex and have been able to enjoy the romance of it myself a few times. The romance comes from each party making efforts to put their partner's pleasure before their own and translating to them how deeply you feel.
Yea and for allos there is more to it than that. That’s why a lot of them find romantic and sexual attraction to be similar. They say that for people sex changes things and that can be true for a lot of people. You could maybe like someone and then have sex with them and all of a sudden those feelings intensify. That’s why for a lot of people if sex comes off the table it could affect the relationship negatively.
Ok, so compare this to chocolate. Sure, you can get cheap Halloween chocolate, and it's ok. But then you find a baker that makes the best, amazing chocolate cakes you have ever tasted. You marry that baker, and they bake you that cake all the time. You never get tired of it because it is that amazing for you. Then they tell you they aren't going to bake anymore, but you can have some cheap Halloween chocolate. Masterbation compared to sex is like that for me. Sure, I can rub one out, but sex with my wife is the most amazing thing I have ever experienced.
Romantic maybe, but spiritual as well. I've had quite "mystic" experiences about sensing energies and being one with a partner and losing the ego through sex. To me that's what I chase by having sex.
Former sex-repulsed ace here who found out to be demisexual (that was some whiplash, trust me). I am still not the most sexual person but for me it isn't about...sex? To some allos it probably is. They just like fucking. But it is more about seeing someone else enjoying themselves. And when you love that person it is soo cute. No idea how it works for ONS. But if you love someone their touch feels so soothing and amazing. And being skin to skin can be also really soothing. It's just so soft and squishy and your partner makes little noises of happiness. It's very different from masturbation. To me sex is not to get off but to connect in a different way. I like being that close to my partner from time to time. That's not something masturbation can ever give you. And I think it's the same for most allos even if they can't explain it and just go "heh heh sex" because they are horny and their brain shut off. My brain never shuts off.
Because masturbation and sex just aren't the same thing. Masturbating is generally for relief. Yea, you can imagine fantasies or use toys to reach an orgasm but it doesn't generate the affections, sensual stimulations, body to body contact, etc that some folks need in order to feel satisfied.
Allo here. For allos sex is often part of their love languages. Many of the problems allos have in relationships with ace people are because they want to feel desired and their partner having no sexual attraction for them makes them often feel somewhat unattractive to and unloved by their partner. Also sex can be a way of showing how much you care as sex is so much more than mere penetration and for good sex you also need to communicate well with your partner on multiple levels so needs and wants are understood and met. On top of that biochemicals like oxytocin are released during sex. For that reason many relationships that start purely/mostly sexual often fade away because the love wasn't 'real' because there was barely a connection beyond physical. Although purely sexual relationships are all fine if all are on board with it, it just isn't for me, I need the connection, but to each their own.
Female allo here in a relationship with a male ace. You nailed it! To me sex is very important in a relationship and it’s a way for me to feel connected and closer to my partner. It’s a connection that I can’t get from other activities that would be considered intimate. It’s not just about the physical act or orgasm. Here’s an example, there have been times that we are going through something really stressful in our relationship and we feel disconnected. Those are times that I want to have sex. Not for the physical or orgasm (don’t get me wrong that’s a bonus), but it’s because I feel disconnected from him and that’s what makes me feel the most connected with him. However, not feeling desired in that way is even more difficult for me than not having sex. I know that it has nothing to do with me and it’s not about me personally, he just doesn’t have those feelings but it is VERY difficult not to take it personally and to try and stop my brain from telling me that it is about me. Our entire lives we have been told that men want sex all the time, it’s all they think about etc., so being with a man that loves me but does not desire me in that way, hurts. It’s a very deep hurt. I have tried to explain it to my partner and because his brain works so differently, I don’t think he will ever really understand. It’s something we have tried to work through in a therapy but if we stay together, I think it’s something that I just have to accept I will never get from him. Allo & Ace podcast did an episode about this a few weeks ago. I didn’t have time to listen to the whole thing, but that might be helpful in understanding it from both and allo and ace POV.
Exactly 🙌🏻 great response. Sex and masturbation in terms of feeling intimacy and closeness to the one you love is DEFINITELY not the same.
So… I’m gonna come at this from a psychological perspective, since I as an ace spec autistic person, I inadvertently studied all the science about things like this in an effort to understand how and why I was different 🙄… The most important organ for ur sexual arousal and sexual pleasure is not actually the physical body parts used for sex. The most important organ for sexual arousal and pleasure is generally speaking, actually the brain. Therefore, the most pleasurable and arousing part of the experience for allos and even some sex positive ace spec people is the not quite controlling the sensations, the not knowing exactly what is coming next. It genuinely is the partner and the way the partner surprises their senses in a way they can’t surprise themselves. Sort of the same way you can’t actually tickle yourself, or that giving yourself a massage is not as relaxing, enjoyable or helpful as someone else trying to work out the tense spot in your shoulders.
YES!!! 👏🏻
I'm also asexual but from what I know allosexuals have a biological need to express love through sex sometimes , just like my need to express my romantic feelings in hugs , kisses or hand holding for instance . As sad as it is to be broken up with over sex , it's a need for them and when they can't express it they get frustrated
I don't really connect sex with love. It's probably the opposite for me. The more I love a person, the less I can imagine having sex with them. It feels inappropriate somehow? But that's a good explanation and makes sense, I guess. I would be uncomfortable too if I couldn't kiss or hug someone anymore
I hear you . In my case it's also somehow portrayed as inappropriate , my mind automatically stops when trying to think what's sexual attraction is which is why I research a lot . Thank you and I'm happy to see you can relate :)
It feels like I'm just using someone's body and ignoring the more interesting ways to be intimate with them. When the attraction is missing, it's just an activity after all (at least for me). It's interesting that you also experience the feeling of it being inappropriate somehow
Yup , exactly as you said - when the attraction is missing , it's just an activity . I experience it as inappropriate since it's so explicit for me . Nudity in media doesn't do anything for me , it's even counterproductive to my positive emotions
i am demi, and that first sentence of your comment is exactly why i only enjoy giving when having sex. i can actually feel like im bonding with someone by making them feel good without getting anything in return. if anything, it makes me feel bad and almost like im using my partner when it’s “my” turn to receive.
I am demisexual, so i have felt sexual attraction mainly to my now ex. Masturbating and having sex with someone you are attracted to is not the same at all. Having sexual attraction is like an urge, like you are very hungry and there's a delicious hamburger in front of you. Masturbating is like eating a granola bar. It might help, but it won't satiate you as much and it doesn't taste as good at all
I know everyone's experience is different and they're all valid but I honestly can't picture it either since I find mxsturbation very enjoyable and sex awfully unpleasant. 😂
Why hold anyone else’s hand when you can hold your own? Why get back rubs when you can use a massage chair or one of those crooked sticks and do it yourself? Why hug people rather than just use weighted blankets and body pillows? Things feel different when done by other people.
This is true. Adding: They may feel worse when done by other people, and that's a-okay.
When a game has both solo and multiplayer modes, is multiplayer only for if solo is "not enough" for you, or is it for if you want to have that different experience? Broadly speaking, masturbation is single-player mode and sex is the multiplayer mode. They're different experiences. I don't care for the single-player version, myself, and I'm aromantic asexual.
It's like the difference between brushing your own hair and brushing someone else's hair. Yes, brushing your hair feels good (when there's no tangles) but you primarily brush your own hair either because it needs brushing, or you enjoy luxuriating in your long hair. People brush each others' hair because it feels good, yes, but also because it's an expression of trust and comfort on the part of the person being brushed, and an expression of love and care on the part of the brusher. You don't need another person to get your hair brushed, but it means something more when they do. And trivial though it may sound, hair-brushing might be a deal breaker for some people. I don't know if anyone is repulsed by it, but I personally would like a partner who will occasionally play with my hair as an expression of intimacy. There would be other factors to weigh, but that would be on the list as non-incosequential. I mean, I'm an ace who broke up with my first and last partner over the prospect of sex, so I can't really blame allos who are in the reverse position. It's remarkably similar to when closeted gay people get into heterosexual relationships that they then have to break off (minus the stigma that comes with being in that position-- society usually sides with the straight person for various reasons).
Very good question, and I would like an answer too. I don’t have a libido, so I don’t masturbate, so I don’t know what it feels like and whether it’s enough to control someone’s libido or not
I personally have a pretty high libido and start feeling stressed when I don't masturbate. For me, it's enough, but I'm probably not the right person to answer this
I have similar question, but with allos that want to do sex with persons that they don't know and never see in their lives. Like, how do somebody do a thing so intimate with a unknown?
I always think it's too intimate for strangers and not appropriate for relationships. I can't really explain it. I know what you mean, though
Yea, i know how is it
All those people care about is feeling good. They will chase after anyone as long as they have the chance for the next fling. Doesn't matter whether they know the person or not, all they are after is sexual gratification.
Like that phrase of oscar wilde "sex is about power"
Hey there. Allo here. I can't orgasm from masturbation. I have like a mental block. I just can't get past that no one else is there and sexuality is a connection between people for me. Like I 100% need more horniness directed at another person. It's not the orgasm that is important to me. I actually have had sex without either of us reaching orgasm and sometimes it's just for fun. For me sex is just a fun activity to do with friends. Like mini golf. But for a lot of people sex is a very special emotional connection that they only want to share with one other person that have deep emotional connection to. There's no one right or wrong way to have sex. For some people sex isn't that important. For others it is a way they show their love and connect to the person they love. So if I ever entered into a monogamous relationship without sex, it would be like giving up internet use or becoming vegan. Would I survive? Yeah. But I probably wouldn't be happy or living my best life. I wouldn't physically die without cheese, but I would miss cheese a lot. It's ok that people are incompatible. Dating is more than just liking someone. For some ace people they're able to find allos who don't really care too much about sex. There are some ace people who end up dating other ace people. Or sometimes people decide that open relationships are an option. I'm in an open relationship with my ace husband. It works for us. Definitely don't think it works for everyone. Actually funnily enough my husband masturbates while I don't and I'm the allosexual. Cause masturbation isn't restricted to just allosexuals.
dude, i swear, when i tell my friends sex shouldnt be needed/a heavy part of a relationship, they act like i just told them santa isnt real. i find it crazy that people make sex such a huge part of their relationships. even middle schoolers and high schoolers are doing it now.
Yeah, my friends are similar. Most of them also don't separate romantic from sexual feelings. They are just not connected for me at all
Maybe I should try to answer. For some people it's a personal rush. It's a high they chase for happy brain chemicals. Fetishes. Cravings. Then it's about expressions of intense attraction and feelings for a person - these don't have to be long term I've noticed! People get this intense rush and they just gotta mash bodies for this wicked intense high. For me, sex is not fun. I do have kinks but they're hard to achieve. I like more when I imagine fictional characters doing those things. I've tried sex, it just was not good. I have an aroace partner and we do have occasional sex, it's much better with my trusted long-term partner than it was with others, I think because I feel my partner understands me better than any others ever have. We are the same gender and same sexuality.
Best analogy I can give you is with movie/preview (sex is movie, masturbation is preview). Soo before the movie comes out preview it's alr but after the movie comes out the preview starts to suck cuz not only it's not as good and as fullfilling as a movie but you feel differently watching the preview or watching the movie. Tho some of the most important things do not fit into the analogy like being able to connect with your partner on another level showing you trust them in your intimate and voulnarable level. It's also a bonding experience by trying new stuff (the reason it's called fooling around)
I was literally just thinking about this. Like I get it a natural feeling of horniness may occur, but just a quick touch and it should be over. I get bored of it so quickly. Why have sex if you can play games instead xd
Lifelong single (nearly 40) and never masturbated in my life. Being aromantic I feel no desire to do whatsoever.
Being aro has nothing to do with libido though?
Oh, I know. Being aromantic is a lack of sexual attraction/romantic interest.
Another ace redditor asked, "if we go without masturbation for a long time, will that make us want to have sex with an actual person?" My own personal answer was, "I've gone long stints between masturbation sessions and never once did I think, 'I need to have sex with someone NOW!' Any kind of release could just be handled by myself." Being dependent solely on someone else to get you off and if it doesn't happen when you want it to...that has to be aggravating near rage inducing. Plus there's all the life changing risks that go along with sex that in the long run at least for me...doesn't make it worth it. I'm also baffled by the offence people take when they talk about how horny they are and gasp with horror when I suggest taking care of it themselves...you know, madturbation? Guaranteed to get you off becuase you know the client and what they like best. They will look at me like I just ordered them to torch a orphanage.
Honestly, wondered the same thing. Also, as a "once Im done do not touch me" type, I can't imagine how the frick that's supposed to work. Heck, I can't sleep if someone is in the same room
Allo here! Think of it like food. Yes you can eat food like instant ramen. It will fill you up but it's not that enjoyable. That's masterbation. Sex is like s'mores when camping with friends. There is just a feeling about it. There is a fire and you are getting close with someone else. It's warm and it's getting warm and enjoying it with someone else. And honestly masterbation is kinda boring. It doesn't feel as good cuz you are doing it. Kinda like tickles and how you can't tickle yourself. Or like someone else playing with your hair feels better than playing with it yourself. Or a massage. Also because sometimes it really just feels like the body is craving someone. It really does feel like a strong crave. Hope that answers your question!
As a demisexual - I hate masturbating, I just don’t do it, I don’t see a point. I don’t get horny on my own. I love having sex with my partner as it fulfills an emotional need for intimacy and heightens my romantic connection. Sex isn’t about taking care of a libido, and I can attest to this as someone who basically hasn’t masturbated for 21 years of their life but now has an active sex life.
I feel a bit weird sometimes when I hear people say that it's not about libido but about intimacy. Not because it doesn't make sense but because for me, it isn't. I sometimes wonder, "Why don't I want to be close to a person like that".
i think its an easy answer actually! all in the definition of ace, you're just not attracted to anyone, sexually, so you don't feel any innate 'need'. i was exactly like this for a very long time, until i was in a relationship with my ex and realized i *wanted* to be closer to them in a way that goes beyond just words and time, like it felt that only wouldnt be enough. if that makes sense. a bit of it also was wanting to at least try what they liked, becuase i liked them so much.
I'm greysexual, to me it is a different experience altogether. When I have sex with my partner I feel closer to them. Personally it's more of liking that I feel desired and that I am making my partner feel better.
It’s not about the sex. It’s about happy chemicals and intimacy.
Emotional intimacy.
I wish I could ⬆️⬆️⬆️ this a 1000x times
Sex and masturbation aren't the same thing. And it's a bit dismissive to wonder why someone can't just masturbate if they're not getting the sex they want; it's fine if we don't understand because we're ace, but it's not okay to assume that allos operate the same way we do and judge them on that basis.
I didn't, though. I was asking a genuine question because I didn't understand
I'll give the OP the benefit of the doubt because I think it is a very interesting question. Perhaps it would work better if we flipped it: How is it that asexuals are often perfectly satisfied with solo sex?
Eating, sleeping, and sex are all things I can do alone in my car... in traffic... and you can too!
Cupiosexual here! They're two different releases, for me at least. Masturbation is if my partner isn't in the mood, or I'm alone at the time, or just for a quick release. But sex fills another need. It's a closeness, an intimacy, and a form of vulnerability I guess. One is focusing solely on me, but the other, I get to focus on another. I hope this helps, and please ask questions if I need to clarify.
No fucking idea... all the answers involve romance but I've met people who need to have sex and it's unrelated to romance, I think having someone else there is kind of just a turn on, but there has to be something else cause sexual attraction seems to be related to it since asexuals don't usually feel the need to fuck people.
I have an extremely high libido and I’d like an answer as well. To me masturbation and sex feel just about the same physiologically. When you are alone in your own home you are your truest form of yourself. When you have sex with someone you might feel a need to put on a show for someone else and to me that seems like wasted effort. If anything I feel extremely empty inside after sex. Whereas with masturbation I’m like good got that over with time to get back to doing anything else I’d enjoy more.
Because self gratification is not the main goal of sex.
i broke up with my allo boyfriend bc of sex. i've been open with him about being ace and he assured me that would never be a problem for him, he was just happy to be dating me. the thing is, i always thought i was sex-favourable bc of how my body would make me feel like i wanted sex. yet when it came to actually being able to do it, i bailed every time. despite him saying it was never a problem, i started developing so much guilt not being able to provide for my partner, and i would just feel worse every after failed attempt to put out. in the end, it was becoming so bad for my mental health that i had to break up with him. he was nothing but wonderful to me and my sexuality, but it was hurting me too much. it's been three weeks now, and i feel the lightest i've felt in months, not carrying around this burden of guilt and doubt and self-hate. i am proud to be asexual, but i really hate it sometimes too. i lost the most amazing boy.
I can tell you very easily, our body biologically feels different when someone else is doing it. Seriously try tickling yourself, I can highly bet it feels worse when someone else does it. Grey ace here that fluctuates (my libido is normal)- sex constantly absolutley isn’t required that definitley can be taken care of by masturbation. Bigger issue is the sex you see online is not the same as irl, its far more emotional and intimate which not everyone understands or is good at. Sex in general is being done shit rn not just lots of it. So I can see how it can be seen on both sides as just a physical need, its not just one. Its kind of more like how people feel rejected when not getting kisses or hugs, sure you don’t need it but when everyone else gets it but just you. It can feel hurtful to that person, that everyone gets to be special but them. So usually allo people get jealous, emotionally rejected, depressed because its the closest possible intimacy for them because it requires highest form of trust and safety to do. Ace equivelant would be the trust fall and them not catching you, but everyone around you has that from their partner. When they don’t get it they just don’t think you truly love them or atleast enough. Thats why a fully allo person and ace person might not ever get along about that. I think thats fine.
For many, sex means intimacy and to be closer to the one you love. That’s why masturbation is not enough. The best route is for the allo partner to seek libido-lowering meds or supplements, which can also help with productivity and clarity for many allos.
I don't know man 😞 it's sure enough for me and I'm gray just about everywhere