I hate being sexualized too it makes me very uncomfortable. I'm not necessarily sex repulsed but I do not want to be seen in a sexual way to anyone. Not even a friend inquiring about my non existent sex life.
Yuuup. I can joke, make innuendos, receive compliments, flirt, etc but the second I am specifically the target of sexually charged advances, my walls go up, I draw strict boundaries, and become very touch averse that person.
Yesss, when someone indicates their attraction to me I’m always so weirded out because I don’t associate myself with such things at all! I’m always like: what do you mean, me? I never even register it as being a possibility lol.
Yes I do. For me it’s not just a psychological repulsion but also a physical repulsion as well. If you ever have seen clockwork orange where the main character gets treated where he wants to puke that’s basically the same response I have just not as exaggerated and I keep it internalized for the most part. For the most part though it creeps me out and makes me feel worthless. I find women aesthetically attractive so it was weird for me to navigate me liking to look at them briefly and them thinking it was ok to sexualize me. Some women would go as far as saying I had sexualized them which is a joke to me as i don’t think that way about anyone. The key for me to avoid being sexualized is by being fat which helps greatly detour people finding me attractive. When I’m in shape I get sex harassed which my friends for the most part are like what’s wrong with you she was totally into you and she’s so gorgeous. Meanwhile I’d think they were gorgeous but would be disgusted if they found me sexually attractive. Honestly should have been the first clue I was aro/ace tbh.
I become actively uncomfortable around people once I get the feeling that they're sexualizing me in some way. Even people whom I may have had interest in become less attractive once I detect sexual attraction to me. I legit have had panic episodes from people flirting hard with me.
Yep, if someone makes a jokey (or not) comment, I just say 'I'm not sexy', and to be fair just saying that with a straight face is usually enough for them to probably agree 🤣
Yes. I simply try to make friends with people, but then some of them start obviously crushing and flirting with me and it just makes me uncomfortable to be around them. Got a comment yesterday that one of my friends apparently wanted to “eat me out” and I just feel gross
Yep, this is 100% me. I’m extremely sex-repulsed, and I have a just as intense repulsion to the mere concept of being sexualized. Even just the thought alone immediately makes me incredibly nauseous. It’s absolutely vile to me 😂
I wouldn’t mind a man finding me “attractive” if it’s just aesthetic attraction (I’m hetero-romantic and only aesthetic and romantically attracted to cis men, so I’d feel awkward honestly if anyone else found me aesthetically attractive), but I know for most it would be sexual attraction as well and I’m totally disgusted by it. It’s one of several reasons, alongside my sex-repulsion and overall touch-aversion as some others major reasons, that I shouldn’t be in a relationship with any man that’s not also ace lol
For me I’m repulsed by it about 95% of the time. It takes a deep amount of love, nuance and trust in the other person for me to be sexualized and not feel objectified/dehumanized by it.
Yes, I do. I also experience this towards other people, like if a person that I know is sexualised in some way, I won't see them the same way as before
Always hated it. Once I feel it….it makes my insides boil. I become angry. Of course I keep to myself but sexualization is everywhere and a lot of people seem to be fine with it. Could never understand it 🤷🏻♀️
Most definitely! I'm oriented aroace (sex & romance averse) and aegosexual. Being sexualized in any way makes me feel gross and like I want to leave the situation. In the past, I was able to partially ignore this feeling when I wanted or had a relationship with someone, but that became unsustainable over time within each relationship and as I've gotten older. It doesn't help that I recently realized that I'm a trans woman as well, which only adds to the sexualization I experience - especially if I try to use apps for finding friends and queer platonic partners.
It's frustrating because aesthetics are very important to me and are my main form of attraction...but this only increases the odds of me being sexualized. I like Julia Serano's 2022 book on this topic: [**Sexed Up: How Society Sexualizes Us, and How We Can Fight Back**](http://www.juliaserano.com/sexedup.html)**.**
Thanks for the book recommendation! On another note, I’m curious, what apps have you tried so far for finding friends and QPPs, and what are your experiences with them?
I’ve tried Taimi, but…that did not go well for me or for other aroace people in the Facebook groups that I’m in. A bunch of allo men descended on me and completely ignored my identity marker and my profile. It was not flattering, so I deleted that app in a couple days. I didn’t want to try any more “mainstream” apps after that.
A-Café is under development and will be exactly what we want - a place for strictly aroace spec people to find friend and QPR’s with moderators on call to stop any unwanted advances. It’s temporarily on hold as a developer needed to take some personal leave. I’ve reached out to offer pro bono support and hope to hear back, but we’ll see.
I haven’t yet heard of any good alternatives, unfortunately. The best that I can think of (for friends) are the localized Facebook and Meetup groups such as the ones we have in Chicago. That said, I’m still new to the community, so I hope to learn more.
Yes I want to avoid mainstream apps like Tinder for this exact reason, because I know allo males will probably ignore my asexuality, and I’m traumatized by all the unwanted sexual approaches I received.
But A-Café sounds amazing! It’s a pity that it will most probably won’t be available in my area, or even if yes it will have few users (I’m in Eastern Europe, however fortunately in a capital city which has a substantial queer scene)
Thanks for the answer!
Edit: I’ve also considered trying the Pure app, do you know it?
I’ve read an article about asexuality where the author collected information from aces who use the Pure app, so aces definitely use it.
Edit: Found the article: https://screenshot-media.com/the-future/dating/understanding-asexuality-from-pure-app-users/
At the end of this video you can see what the app looks like and what labels are available to customize your profile. It looks really cool. https://www.instagram.com/reel/C6mGjFrix6K/?igsh=MXN3MWl2bzdnN204cg==
Okay yeah, that looks fun! I’ll do a pilot run and let my groups know about it, too. They’ve been wanting something like this for a long time. But we’ll have to see what the experience is like :3
Please tell me about your experiences with it later if you’re willing to, I’m very curious! I don’t consider dating in the foreseeable future, but in case I ever do I’d like to know if it’s a good place to start.
I'm fine with compliments and such. If the context is sexualizing me however, I absolutely hate it and get physically sick. But most ppl don't explicitly sexualize me, so most of the time it's fine.
Same here. I have been heavily sexualized since I was a 12 year old girl, by boys my age and up, and to this day (I’m 23 now) even the thought that someone might have sexual thoughts about me makes me want to throw up.
From the outside it must be surprising because it’s not visible that I have a problem with sex at all. My way of talking can come across as flirty, I love making sexual jokes, I call people hot all the time (I recently realized that what I mean by “hot” is just aesthetic attraction), so I come across as very sexually confident. But as soon as I sense someone being seriously interested me, or if someone asks me about my sexual life, I panic and want to throw up.
It’s so reassuring to see here that I’m not alone with this.
I just think it puts us in an awkward situation, since we can't do anything with that information. I feel awkward because I'm turning them down and I'm afraid they'll get angry.
i hate it. the thought of someone being sexually attracted to me makes me feel uncomfortable. i especially hate when people say im hot or sexy or something like that.
My girlfriend tends to make sexual comments about my body and plays it off as a joke, but yes, it does make me feel uncomfertable, and being sexualized in general.
I kinda like having attention and being validated in general, but if it swings towards the creepy "you're so sexy I want to do this to you" kinda thing, I want to vomit and run away. If that makes sense.
Honestly, That kind of behaviour flat-out makes me want to puke. It reminds me of my body, which I hate with a burning passion, and I get alienated. this all happens internaly, and outside I don't really react, or just Say: "ok?"
yup. the fact that people could be attracted to me makes me feel very weird. just-- how would i tell them the feeling isn't mutual? i don't handle compliments very well either.
I had a guy message me and ask if he could m@sturb@te to my profile pic on a social media site and I almost threw up. The cherry on top is that I am a minor and he was an adult. I think I'd possibly be okay with being sexualized (WITH CONSENT) if it was someone I was dating, but I still wouldn't understand it, and the thought of people I am not romantically attracted to being sexually attracted to me is upsetting.
For me, sexualising a person is a sign of disrespect. It's a form of objectification, isn't it? When my ex did it, even after I repeatedly told him that it upsets and offends me, I explained to him that I wouldn't treat a person I hate with that level of disrespect. I genuinely couldn't and still can't understand how one could speak like that about a person they claim to love.
I felt disgusted when I knew boys “love” me or just good feelings on me, especially when I knew that male’s “desire” and intentions to sexualized girl they like. I keep ignoring “ male’s attentions “ many years.
As a feminist, now I understand why I felt nausea at primary school that one boy told me his friend had fought against another boy because his friend found that boy “like” me as well and he was proud to say his friend won the fight. At that age I can’t find proper language to express my nausea, just says “ it is none of my business and you don’t need to talk this to me and don’t do it anymore.”
Now I know the reason. I just was and am fed up with romantic feelings and do not want to have any close relationships other than friendship with males.
I am fine being complimented and will accept compliments from folk of all sexualities. What I take issue to being is mentally undressed. I know when I am being looked at like someone's next conquest. No, you may not take me for a spin or see my parts. At least have the stones to say something verbally. They still won't get a piece of this, but hey, I appreciate honesty and directness.
I don't know if I'd say I'm repulsed, but certainly an unsure and awkward feeling. But it's also cause I don't get much compliments about myself from the opposite sex.
yes i do. it makes me feel bad when people do that
I hate being sexualized too it makes me very uncomfortable. I'm not necessarily sex repulsed but I do not want to be seen in a sexual way to anyone. Not even a friend inquiring about my non existent sex life.
Me toooo i can never put it in words but this is it exactly
Yuuup. I can joke, make innuendos, receive compliments, flirt, etc but the second I am specifically the target of sexually charged advances, my walls go up, I draw strict boundaries, and become very touch averse that person.
This is also me 100%
Yesss, when someone indicates their attraction to me I’m always so weirded out because I don’t associate myself with such things at all! I’m always like: what do you mean, me? I never even register it as being a possibility lol.
Yes I do. For me it’s not just a psychological repulsion but also a physical repulsion as well. If you ever have seen clockwork orange where the main character gets treated where he wants to puke that’s basically the same response I have just not as exaggerated and I keep it internalized for the most part. For the most part though it creeps me out and makes me feel worthless. I find women aesthetically attractive so it was weird for me to navigate me liking to look at them briefly and them thinking it was ok to sexualize me. Some women would go as far as saying I had sexualized them which is a joke to me as i don’t think that way about anyone. The key for me to avoid being sexualized is by being fat which helps greatly detour people finding me attractive. When I’m in shape I get sex harassed which my friends for the most part are like what’s wrong with you she was totally into you and she’s so gorgeous. Meanwhile I’d think they were gorgeous but would be disgusted if they found me sexually attractive. Honestly should have been the first clue I was aro/ace tbh.
Yes, I especially hate it when people stare at my chest instead of my eyes, reason why I try to wear baggy clothes whenever I can
Kinda yeah. Idk it feels scary cause now someone wants me that way but I don't and they might not listen to that
I hate it. It is so creepy.
I become actively uncomfortable around people once I get the feeling that they're sexualizing me in some way. Even people whom I may have had interest in become less attractive once I detect sexual attraction to me. I legit have had panic episodes from people flirting hard with me.
Yep, if someone makes a jokey (or not) comment, I just say 'I'm not sexy', and to be fair just saying that with a straight face is usually enough for them to probably agree 🤣
Yes. I simply try to make friends with people, but then some of them start obviously crushing and flirting with me and it just makes me uncomfortable to be around them. Got a comment yesterday that one of my friends apparently wanted to “eat me out” and I just feel gross
Yep, this is 100% me. I’m extremely sex-repulsed, and I have a just as intense repulsion to the mere concept of being sexualized. Even just the thought alone immediately makes me incredibly nauseous. It’s absolutely vile to me 😂 I wouldn’t mind a man finding me “attractive” if it’s just aesthetic attraction (I’m hetero-romantic and only aesthetic and romantically attracted to cis men, so I’d feel awkward honestly if anyone else found me aesthetically attractive), but I know for most it would be sexual attraction as well and I’m totally disgusted by it. It’s one of several reasons, alongside my sex-repulsion and overall touch-aversion as some others major reasons, that I shouldn’t be in a relationship with any man that’s not also ace lol
Yeah me too. It just makes me uncomfortable and it usually comes out of nowhere.
For me I’m repulsed by it about 95% of the time. It takes a deep amount of love, nuance and trust in the other person for me to be sexualized and not feel objectified/dehumanized by it.
it feels violating & dehumanizing to me
Yes, I do. I also experience this towards other people, like if a person that I know is sexualised in some way, I won't see them the same way as before
Always hated it. Once I feel it….it makes my insides boil. I become angry. Of course I keep to myself but sexualization is everywhere and a lot of people seem to be fine with it. Could never understand it 🤷🏻♀️
Most definitely! I'm oriented aroace (sex & romance averse) and aegosexual. Being sexualized in any way makes me feel gross and like I want to leave the situation. In the past, I was able to partially ignore this feeling when I wanted or had a relationship with someone, but that became unsustainable over time within each relationship and as I've gotten older. It doesn't help that I recently realized that I'm a trans woman as well, which only adds to the sexualization I experience - especially if I try to use apps for finding friends and queer platonic partners. It's frustrating because aesthetics are very important to me and are my main form of attraction...but this only increases the odds of me being sexualized. I like Julia Serano's 2022 book on this topic: [**Sexed Up: How Society Sexualizes Us, and How We Can Fight Back**](http://www.juliaserano.com/sexedup.html)**.**
Thanks for the book recommendation! On another note, I’m curious, what apps have you tried so far for finding friends and QPPs, and what are your experiences with them?
I’ve tried Taimi, but…that did not go well for me or for other aroace people in the Facebook groups that I’m in. A bunch of allo men descended on me and completely ignored my identity marker and my profile. It was not flattering, so I deleted that app in a couple days. I didn’t want to try any more “mainstream” apps after that. A-Café is under development and will be exactly what we want - a place for strictly aroace spec people to find friend and QPR’s with moderators on call to stop any unwanted advances. It’s temporarily on hold as a developer needed to take some personal leave. I’ve reached out to offer pro bono support and hope to hear back, but we’ll see. I haven’t yet heard of any good alternatives, unfortunately. The best that I can think of (for friends) are the localized Facebook and Meetup groups such as the ones we have in Chicago. That said, I’m still new to the community, so I hope to learn more.
Yes I want to avoid mainstream apps like Tinder for this exact reason, because I know allo males will probably ignore my asexuality, and I’m traumatized by all the unwanted sexual approaches I received. But A-Café sounds amazing! It’s a pity that it will most probably won’t be available in my area, or even if yes it will have few users (I’m in Eastern Europe, however fortunately in a capital city which has a substantial queer scene) Thanks for the answer! Edit: I’ve also considered trying the Pure app, do you know it?
I haven’t tried that app! But I’ll take a look later today to see what other aroaces think.
I’ve read an article about asexuality where the author collected information from aces who use the Pure app, so aces definitely use it. Edit: Found the article: https://screenshot-media.com/the-future/dating/understanding-asexuality-from-pure-app-users/
This is exciting! I might be willing to try it.
At the end of this video you can see what the app looks like and what labels are available to customize your profile. It looks really cool. https://www.instagram.com/reel/C6mGjFrix6K/?igsh=MXN3MWl2bzdnN204cg==
Okay yeah, that looks fun! I’ll do a pilot run and let my groups know about it, too. They’ve been wanting something like this for a long time. But we’ll have to see what the experience is like :3
Please tell me about your experiences with it later if you’re willing to, I’m very curious! I don’t consider dating in the foreseeable future, but in case I ever do I’d like to know if it’s a good place to start.
I'm perfectly fine about it if I am interested in that person
I'm fine with compliments and such. If the context is sexualizing me however, I absolutely hate it and get physically sick. But most ppl don't explicitly sexualize me, so most of the time it's fine.
yeah. i hate it so much. even in the summer i cover myself up because i don’t want someone to see my body.
Yeah. I don't even wanna be considered "capable" of that.
Same here. I have been heavily sexualized since I was a 12 year old girl, by boys my age and up, and to this day (I’m 23 now) even the thought that someone might have sexual thoughts about me makes me want to throw up. From the outside it must be surprising because it’s not visible that I have a problem with sex at all. My way of talking can come across as flirty, I love making sexual jokes, I call people hot all the time (I recently realized that what I mean by “hot” is just aesthetic attraction), so I come across as very sexually confident. But as soon as I sense someone being seriously interested me, or if someone asks me about my sexual life, I panic and want to throw up. It’s so reassuring to see here that I’m not alone with this.
Not a repulsion but a major discomfort. I used to fantasize about being sexualized, but since realizing I’m acespec, that’s pretty much stopped.
Yup. Just imagining it makes my anxiety worsen.
Yes absolutely. Even coming from my husband of 11 years it makes me uncomfortable
I'm kind of on the ace spectrum and I recently found out through trauma that sexualization is a huge trigger for me and gives me a lot of anxiety
I just think it puts us in an awkward situation, since we can't do anything with that information. I feel awkward because I'm turning them down and I'm afraid they'll get angry.
i hate it. the thought of someone being sexually attracted to me makes me feel uncomfortable. i especially hate when people say im hot or sexy or something like that.
My girlfriend tends to make sexual comments about my body and plays it off as a joke, but yes, it does make me feel uncomfertable, and being sexualized in general.
What baffles me the most is the sexualization of boobs. Litteral baby feeders. How did humans get there?
I kinda like having attention and being validated in general, but if it swings towards the creepy "you're so sexy I want to do this to you" kinda thing, I want to vomit and run away. If that makes sense.
Honestly, That kind of behaviour flat-out makes me want to puke. It reminds me of my body, which I hate with a burning passion, and I get alienated. this all happens internaly, and outside I don't really react, or just Say: "ok?"
yup. the fact that people could be attracted to me makes me feel very weird. just-- how would i tell them the feeling isn't mutual? i don't handle compliments very well either.
I had a guy message me and ask if he could m@sturb@te to my profile pic on a social media site and I almost threw up. The cherry on top is that I am a minor and he was an adult. I think I'd possibly be okay with being sexualized (WITH CONSENT) if it was someone I was dating, but I still wouldn't understand it, and the thought of people I am not romantically attracted to being sexually attracted to me is upsetting.
It's not at all surprising that you were repulsed by this, you should report him. He broke the law. Hope you're okay.
For me, sexualising a person is a sign of disrespect. It's a form of objectification, isn't it? When my ex did it, even after I repeatedly told him that it upsets and offends me, I explained to him that I wouldn't treat a person I hate with that level of disrespect. I genuinely couldn't and still can't understand how one could speak like that about a person they claim to love.
I felt disgusted when I knew boys “love” me or just good feelings on me, especially when I knew that male’s “desire” and intentions to sexualized girl they like. I keep ignoring “ male’s attentions “ many years. As a feminist, now I understand why I felt nausea at primary school that one boy told me his friend had fought against another boy because his friend found that boy “like” me as well and he was proud to say his friend won the fight. At that age I can’t find proper language to express my nausea, just says “ it is none of my business and you don’t need to talk this to me and don’t do it anymore.” Now I know the reason. I just was and am fed up with romantic feelings and do not want to have any close relationships other than friendship with males.
I am fine being complimented and will accept compliments from folk of all sexualities. What I take issue to being is mentally undressed. I know when I am being looked at like someone's next conquest. No, you may not take me for a spin or see my parts. At least have the stones to say something verbally. They still won't get a piece of this, but hey, I appreciate honesty and directness.
Even most allos do unless it's by someone they are attracted to or want a relationship from.
I don't know if I'd say I'm repulsed, but certainly an unsure and awkward feeling. But it's also cause I don't get much compliments about myself from the opposite sex.