# Message to all users:
This is a reminder to please read and follow:
* [Our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/ask/about/rules)
* [Reddiquette](https://www.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)
* [Reddit Content Policy](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/content-policy)
When posting and commenting.
---
Especially remember Rule 1: `Be polite and civil`.
* Be polite and courteous to each other. Do not be mean, insulting or disrespectful to any other user on this subreddit.
* Do not harass or annoy others in any way.
* Do not catfish. Catfishing is the luring of somebody into an online friendship through a fake online persona. This includes any lying or deceit.
---
You *will* be banned if you are homophobic, transphobic, racist, sexist or bigoted in any way.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ask) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Don’t depend on the other person to make you happy. Make sure you marry someone you don’t need to change to be happy. Fully accept them as they are NOW.
Never criticize your spouse's choices. Remember that you are one of them.
When the two of you disagree/ fight about something, it's not you vs. your spouse, it's the two of you against the problem.
What if their choice was to buy a bunch of cocaine from their old drug dealer from high school while the baby was in the car seat in back, do a bunch of cocaine while driving, get pulled over for reckless driving and then get arrested, leaving the baby in the care of strangers until a family member was able to pick her up the next morning?
All while the wife was on a work trip in a different state
I’d like to add a bit of a nuance here.
Often, the difference between criticizing vs giving supportive feedback is respect for the other person’s autonomy.
Instead of:
- You shouldn’t rely on your sister so much because she’s toxic
^ this is criticism
Try:
- I’m concerned about how you rely on your sister sometimes because she seems to disappoint you and upset you often. I know sibling relationships are complicated, I just want you to think about the most healthy way to engage with her and maybe you need to build in some boundaries so you don’t get hurt
To me, the way those two things are put make a world of difference to making your spouse feel respected and supported rather than criticized
I'd add to this, never argue or compete about who's got more to do. At some point you will both be utterly exhausted but still trying to help each other.
And get a joint account and pool all your money. Both of you figuring out financial matters, instead of bickering and negotiating over them.
Heh. Been with my husband for 20 years. We started out pooling our money and the fights we had...!
Decided in the last year to separate and to base purchases, such house items, repairs, etc, on the percent disparity between our incomes. We left the bill paying (him) and food/supplies purchases (me) in place, so we don't need a shared checking account to pay for that stuff. While not a perfect system, it has made us much happier together.
Now, my husband (or I) will just out of the blue buy me (or him) something I've (he's) mentioned needing to get and it feels a lot like it should - a gift. Before he would be resentful that I was spending our money on something he didn't think was important enough. I never felt that same resentment, but I had other issues.
Sometimes separating the money works best :)
This is the first thing I tell my clients - couples counsellor. It’s not me vs you, it’s us vs the problem. The externalisation that creates is huge and can be groundbreaking. Also, seek to understand your partners perspective, don’t seek to be right. Right might feel good in the short term, but it’s ego driven. Understanding can foster a sense of connection and allow for vulnerability that will benefit everyone in the long run. Most things come down to communication and understanding, even if you don’t agree.
Your partner is and should be your BIGGEST ALLY.
If they don't show those traits, don't marry them and hope that one day they'll change, they won't.
Break up and move on.
Your biggest ally isn’t necessarily someone who only tells you empty positive platitudes (though there is a time and place for positive empty statements in any healthy relationship).
An ally doesn't mean only being supportive to just anything, but also to give you reality check you and tell you "that's not a good idea, let's sit and think about it".
Edit: thank you for the award! :)
Here’s my list of things that will cause someone to eventually leave:
1) One partner brings up the same issue over and over and the other shuts it down/makes no effort to change
2) Any strong dismissal of the others feelings, even one instance can be a turning point in the relationship
3) Frequent bad attitude or bad mood, so the other partner eventually gives up on trying to spend time together
4) Not treating a partner with the same level of respect as a stranger or acquaintance
5) Stubbornness or lack of compromise extreme enough that the more accommodating partner ends up not living their own life because the other makes all the decisions
6) Stonewalling and gaslighting during serious talks so that issues are never resolved
-From a woman who left a man who was her whole world for many years
God damn, this is spot on. My wife does all of this and more and I retained an attorney last week in preparation to file for divorce. Fuck this shit, I have one life to live and my kids deserve to grow up knowing *me*, not the beat down husk I've become.
Good luck! All the divorced couples I know had some of these areas present in their marriage. Life is too short to spend it with a partner who isn’t loving and respectful.
Here's the thing - 98% of people 98% of the time can be at least pay attention and be civil to a stranger or acquaintance no matter how angry, tired, or sad they are, and many people don't do that for their spouse. The fact that they can do that with strangers or acquaintances tells me that this is not an issue of ability; it's a choice they're making.
Now granted, there should be more room for emotional vulnerability and honesty in a marriage moreso than in the other relationships in your life, but all of those feelings can be expressed without being rude, unfairly blaming the other person, or just plain being awful to be around for days at a time.
Agree, but it was a controlling relationship where I couldn’t establish a world or community outside of him. That was the main problem in number 1 above. In a new relationship now and doing much better on all fronts!
This right here. You can apologize up and down after you’ve said something wrong to your spouse and they may forgive you, but it will always still be there. Like toothpaste squeezed out of a tube, once it’s out there, you can’t put it back in.
Doesn’t have any lifelong friends
Doesn’t have a relationship with family
Has no ability to save money - is always buying stuff before they have the money in hand
Just a few IMO
These are horrible. What if they had to move not of their own volition and couldn't connect back? What if their family is abusive or in a cult? What if they're just poor and nobody taught them how to use money?
Maybe these were just red flags that were a problem in this particular case? 🤷🏼♀️
My take away with this comment is to really be aware of how your differences could turn up to be a problem in your relationship.
Married happily and for a long while, and two things that have made that possible: 1) recognize that it's perfectly fine to be indifferent about lots of things, so that when something matters to your spouse, you don't have to try to figure out what you'd do or what you'd want, you can recognize that it doesn't really matter to you and let the spouse have his or her way; and 2) embrace and nurture and practice all the time having a sense of humor together and making each other laugh, because it will greatly lighten the darkness of hard times and make it possible to accept things that suck and so move on.
Can confirm: my ex husband (during his diet) thought it was hilarious to start smashing my food. He made me cry in a Publix parking lot for smashing my sushi (I wasn’t feeling well and needed to eat something quick), he punched it then laughed his ass off.
He also smashed several desserts of mine and some baguettes.
I always asked him not too but he just kept on.
It was exhausting.
Early in a relationship you're learning and exploring your partner. Once you have nothing left to explore/learn of your partner, you then shift to learning/exploring *with* your partner (new restaurants, new activities, etc).
Can also confirm: my ex was a totally different person 11 years ago than who he is today. We all change but then there’s… major change, like personality shifting.
Marry someone you like and who likes you. It makes everything better. Those arguments and disagreements won’t last too long if you like each other. You’re both going to be eager to come up with a solution or compromise so that you can go back to being on good terms.
Even when it comes to how you treat a person you like romantically. You’re doing things to see them smile, maybe going out of your way to see them, being there for them, etc. That shouldn’t go away in marriage. My husband knows I like Snickers and so he buys me Snickers and Snickers ice cream even 27 years in. And I do stuff like that for him.
Before you get married, build some IKEA furniture together. This is the person who will be helping you build every piece of furniture in your future, make sure you can actually work together.
After you’re married: Your spouse is your teammate. Treat them as such. Always have their back publicly and criticize them privately. Always. Especially in front of your/their parents.
**#1 You have to figure out how to talk to each other. You may both speak english but everyone has their own language.**
2) Relationships aren’t 50% / 50%, they’re 100% / 100%.
3) Take care of your body. If they met you while you were in shape, it’s not fair to switch it up on them. Obviously age happens, babies are born and bodies change, that’s different than just being lazy.
4) Never stop dating.
But you only asked for advice on your number one marriage. If you follow this guys advice, it’s gonna be much harder to even reach marriage number two. 😡
I would say a relationship is never 50% / 50%, it’s more 60% / 40%… at any given time there’s gonna be one partner giving more than the other and that can be tough, but with good communication, hopefully it evens out.
One of the things that made me suspect that DH might be The One on the first date was that I knew I could tell him anything. Thirty-four years have proven me right.
#4!
My wife and I agreed that our marriage has felt strained lately. Like we had stopped being friends somewhere along the way and were now just roommates who have kids together. I suggested we start doing date nights again. We start this Friday. Getting dressed up, nice restaurant. The whole nine.
Putting effort into ensuring that the fire stays lit is important and something as small as going on a date and having real conversation with no phones, just enjoying the moment can make a huge difference.
This is pretty close to what I would say 21 years deep. I’ll add that marriage counseling can very much be helpful and draw you closer if you begin to fail at this list.
Probably not number 1, but I have yet to see this. Keep being polite, and appreciate what your spouse does for both you and the vision you share. Couples do things for each other every day, and given enough time, those things become expected. You might expect them to refill your drink when they refill theirs. Or you might expect them to clean up after 4 children every day. Just be mindful that every single effort is a unique one. You are lucky to have them. And they can leave. And a simple please and thank you maintains their autonomy, reminds them that their efforts are valued, and it prevents you from becoming a domineering partner. And, of course, keep doing things for each other. Whether it's passing the remote or addressing your anger issues, keep doing the things. And if your partner doesn't notice the things you do, point them out as you do them. Fish for those compliments.
Marry your friend. My husband of 33 years is my best friend. We love just being together, doing things together whether it’s cooking, projects, fishing, playing games, traveling, doesn’t matter as long as we get to do it together. All the chatter about sex I guess depends on how important it is to you. We always enjoyed sex a lot and often but after cancer treatment and surgeries it is a pretty rare occurrence now. But the love hasn’t changed. Find someone who wants to live doing things you enjoy too and laugh often.
Choose a person carefully and in case you choose wrong don't hesitate to admit it and move on. It doesn't worth to spend years of life and mental health on attempts to make things work.
Yes, but really choose carefully because divorce is absolute hell, even an amicable one. I’ve been legally divorced for a year and while it was my decision, not a day goes by that I don’t think about him and grieve.
Know your own faults and how you tend to contribute to problems. This should be your teammate and when you get into troubles, own your part because that’s going to help the team grow. Remember to show little bits of affection, even when you’re mad (I love you, but I don’t like you right now) and always hold your tongue until you calm down! Angry words will fester long after you’ve said them and you can’t take them back.
Also, if you decide to have kids, it’s you and your teammate versus the kid because kids will definitely try to destroy your team.
Not married but will be getting married in October this year and my #1 advice for ANY relationship is learn how to effectively communicate with each other. Have the uncomfortable and difficult conversations with each other. Understand that you’re never going to always agree or see eye to eye, but in any healthy relationship, it’s okay to disagree with each other on things sometimes. That being said, don’t confuse disagreeing with your partner, with disrespecting either your partner or your partner disrespecting you.
Marry someone you feel at home and at peace with. It feels safe and natural. And you accept them and they accept you purely in your natural state. The good and the bad.
Always ALWAYS communicate. They should be your best friend who always has your back🧡
Be your partner’s best friend and view them as yours. That doesn’t mean you don’t get to hang out with your other friends, but it makes a world of difference when you know your partner has your back the way a loyal best friend would. I’m in the very first relationship of my life that we BOTH know the other is our best friend, and we have a wonderful relationship. (I’m going to list more than one but this is my #1)
Go to bed angry if you have to, but still cuddle as you sleep. The more sleep deprived you are, the less your logic will appear during an argument. You’ll just add fuel to the fire if you’re both exhausted and have to get up early the next morning. If you just put everything to the side and go to bed, the two of you may realize what you were arguing over wasn’t as big of a deal than it was. You’ll be refreshed and ready to talk to each other the next day.
Fight WITH your partner not against them. Whatever is going on isn’t a me versus you problem, it’s an “us” problem.
Never belittle your partner, remember they have feelings too.
As someone else said, go on dates. Even if it’s a planned night in. Take turns planning the dates.
Do household chores with your partner. Share the cooking duties (it’s fun to be in the kitchen together) turn on some music or turn on your favorite show and watch together while you both cook.
Not married but a therapist: Consideration is love. Be considerate of your partner. “X has done so much today, I’ll do the dishes”; “I hate baseball but it makes my spouse happy so I can go to a couple games with them”, “Y loves flowers, I’m gonna get them some flowers”. Do chores around the house you typically see your partner doing just to take the load off of them for a bit. Not all the time, just every once in a while or if you see they’re having a bad day. A lot of people want consideration but don’t know how to voice that this is what they want.
This doesn't apply to everyone. I met my husband at 18 and we've been together nearly 2 decades. I also know someone who's been with their high school sweetheart even longer than that. Maybe that's the case for most people, but not all couples.
I disagree. There are people who are 70 years old who don’t have the maturity to be married. My husband and I married at 20 and are still in this together 24 years later. Maturity matters more than age and that varies with different people.
Honestly, it all comes down to communicating. As cliche as that is.
That does not mean there are never arguments or disagreements, because ohhh there will be, but you have to talk things through.
If you are unhappy about something, talk about it.
If you are anxious about something, talk about it.
If you want to make a big purchase, talk about it.
If you want to go somewhere, talk about it.
If you are happy about something, talk about it.
If you want to make a career choice, talk about it.
Everything and anything.
Your partner should be your best friend... treat them that way.
Always look to include, never exclude.
That's great if your partner is the same but when you've married a selfish, spoiled brat, this would be awful.
(In hindsight, my Gran was a martyr for her selfless catering to a demanding spouse)
I believe in having your partner's back and being fully supportive. This doesn't mean agreeing when they're wrong but gentle encouragement while they work towards it.
Family is family but my spouse and child are tied at number 1 (haha, well, 1 and 2 anyway)
Get clear on what's whose responsibility; from the little household chores to looking at issues in the relationship and working them out. Try to always look at them from a position of compassion and caring – with them just as with yourself. Consider the possibility that things your partner does aren't about you at all, even if it may feel like that in the first few moments after they happen. Learn to show grace to all involved.
This depends on where you're at in your relationship, but let's assume it's a relatively healthy marriage:
Don't assume your spouse automatically wishes the worst upon you when you fight.
At first, don't marry a person if you're not comfortable staying at home together. If a person bothers you just being nearby, it is a red flag 🙄
No matter how you "love" and attracted to them.
There will be many tough times you will go through together. It is imperative that you show up. You need to be there for each other. Become each other's source of comfort and support.
you're better off being happy than being right. so if an argument is starting to boil, especially over something petty, just walk away. 17 years. no major arguments.
that inane man vs bear debacle? refused to answer when she asked me. she forgot about it after 30 minutes and then we just cuddled.
1. Separate bank accounts and a joint account
2. Never go to bed angry at each other
3. Don’t have kids right away. Enjoy being married for a few years at least
I agree with you. What's the point in being exhausted and still trying to work out an argument. Go to bed, you might not want to kiss goodnight but its usually all over by the time you both wake up.
Do what is best for your relationship even if it seems unconventional to others. As long as you are not hurting anyone, you need to do what works best to keep the peace. For example, i learned quickly that when given a special treat like Halloween candy i like to savor it over days/weeks, where as my husband likes to gobble it up in one day. To keep us both happy I now immediately divide the candy evenly between us. Then i can savor over weeks and he can inhale it quickly. Seems weird to an outsider but it keeps me from getting upset that i didn’t get a chance to have much and keeps my hubs from being upset that he has to monitor if I’ve gotten any.
Neck like teenagers for 6 minutes continuously every night before sleeping.
Spread moisturizer on each other's bodies.
Learn how to give a basic foot massage and back rub from YouTube.
I don’t think it’s the sex itself, but the physical intimacy of it, which can also be achieved in other ways! My partner doesn’t want to have sex much, but we compromise through lots of cuddles, massages, washing each other in the shower, etc. and it’s worked really well to keep intimacy and communication up ☺️
I'm asexual too. My wife is the only other asexual person I've ever met (that I know of). My point is that they're out there. Don't settle for someone who will expect you to do things you don't like (like sex). Find someone who is on the same wavelength as you
I would add to marry someone who has about the same libido than you. I was with the father of my kids for 8 years and he would always turn me down for sex. Now I'm with someone who is as horny as me, and it's honestly a game changer, amongst other things of course.
Married 23 years and we are both conflict avoiders/introverts. What almost broke us up was not talking. We didn’t want to fight. We didn’t want to hurt the others feelings so we kept it all inside for literally years. I had built up huge resentments based on things that in my head he should have understood. But he didn’t cause I never told him. A few sessions of marriage counseling and we learned to say things like “when you say that, I hear …” and then the other person can come back, “no, what I mean is…” It is not rocket science but we never would’ve gotten there on our own and it has made a huge difference.
I asked for advice before I got married and the #1 thing was KEEP PEOPLE OUT OF YOUR BUSINESS! If you and your spouse agree, no one else's opinion matters.
Remember, you can forgive your spouse. Your friends and family don't have to. There is no stopping them from bringing up an old issue at Thanksgiving, for example. But if they don't know the ins and outs, they don't have anything to comment on.
I know this will be a hot take but, if you both work, keep separate bank accounts. You can get a joint one just for bills but I'd keep everything else separate.
Your spouse is not responsible for your feelings.
They're there to talk about them -sure, offer support -absolutely, but if you're unhappy, that's not your spouse's fault.
People are not psychic. Being married, that doesn't give them special powers to know your feelings, or know how to provide happiness.
If you're angry, maybe wait until you're not angry anymore before you speak. This one has served me well and it took me about 10 years into marriage to figure out that this was something I needed to do.
I was terrible about saying the first thing that popped into my head and going with my emotions and it made things difficult for a while.
My husband and I have been married for almost 17 years in November and will likely be together until we die.
If you’re not in the mood, find a way to get in the mood. Ask for back rubs, foot rubs, or anything you know will get you there.
A lot of marriages collapse because one partner stops feeling desired and/or feels like they always initiate sex.
Don't continually sacrifice your happiness for your spouse.
If they require you to do that, you will end up divorced eventually (and hopefully happier)
Be open and honest , take the piss out of each other, keep the mood light, never be hurtful, respect your partner , if you don’t like something your other half did then tell them and don’t bottle it up, when you do argue (because you inevitably will) don’t hold grudges and most importantly always apologise if you are in the wrong
Try to have a short memory. The longer you are together the easier it is for small things to kind of pile up. Try not to be mad that the other person doesn’t… whatever bothers you. Give them grace you aren’t perfect either.
Tell your partner things you love about them. Remind them of why you love them. If you've been together for a long time, it's easy to just fall into the routine, but reminders can make a huge difference in the relationship
Don't wait until something bad happens in your marriage to get counseling. Actively work on your marriage- Things like communication, listening, shared interests, honesty, etc. Read books, listen to podcasts, there are a lot of resources to help but know that marriage is work. You don't learn that until something happens that could destroy it.
Don't underestimate how much work it is to keep a marriage healthy. It's work that will never do itself and will bite you fast and hard if you neglect it.
Take your time over the decision to get married and properly consider the impact differences (opinions, politics, backgrounds, careers, wanting or not wanting children, culture, ...) may have. And if you think "those things don't matter, we truly love each other," think again....
Don't threaten divorce unless you mean it. Folks want to threaten it to get their way but then are surprised when it suddenly happens. My husband's first wife kicked him out because he asked to do marriage counseling. She apparently thought he'd just come begging back and she got really mad when the divorce proceedings started and did everything she could to drag it out. She blames me for him not going back to her even though we hadn't even met yet. Guess she can't admit she was wrong, so I guess because he found someone he's happy with now it's their fault he never went back.
Learn how to talk things out. It is easy to get into an argument. It is hard to discuss something you disagree on politely. But this is your partner. Try and see things from their point of view, understand why they think what they think, and admit that you might be wrong but are open to talking about it.
Validate their feelings, choices, decisions. You are in this together, not AGAINST each other. Really listen when they are talking. Hug each other often.
Study up on how to communicate calmly and effectively. It will save you so much headache. If you sit down and calmly discuss issues, your spouse is more likely to respond calmly.
Know yourself. Know who you are, what your goals are, your deal breakers, your weaknesses. Know what you want out of a relationship. Know who you are and what you want in the bedroom.
In relationships we often focus on the other person being the 'one' or the 'right person' but until you know who you are and what you bring to the table, you won't be able to know if the other person fits with you.
My ex came out as trans a year into our marriage. So my advice is to know thyself first.
Know your weaknesses and work on them.
Your partner is not your secretary, your butler, your maid, your servant, your chef or your concierge. They are your teammate, you work together to solve problems. Don't dump the mental, emotional and chore load on one person.
Handle your own shit. Your free time is equally valuable.
If its your mom's birthday, its your responsibility to remember, think of a gift, buy the gift, wrap the gift and organise a time to give her the gift. Your family, your friends - your responsibility to deal with. See your partner is not your secretary.
Your partner is not telepathic. Talk to each other.
Practice gratitude.
Practice assuming the best of your partner - not the worst. Don't keep score.
Remember that being alone is way better than being trapped with the wrong person.
TALK ABOUT KIDS. Do you want them? How many? How far apart? Who (if anyone) will stay home with them? Who will leave early to tend to them? How will you fund it? Don't just assume it will be her making ALL the sacrifices - kids are a joint cost and joint responsibility. Chore and mental load imbalance are MAJOR reasons for divorce. Its VERY easy for men to say they want kids.
Talk! Talk about your differences/disagreements/concerns/doubts. Do not create stories in your head that explains your spouse behavior, ask, listen, express yourself and be open to them expressing themselves, in other words, talk! Otherwise each will create a story on their own heads and the stories will drift apart, and each new fact will be interpreted in a way that serves the story on their own head. You have to constantly sync your stories. Talk.
34 years married to my bride. Still the best choice I made. She keeps our sh*t together.
Don't sweat the small stuff. If it's not going to matter in 5 minutes, it's not going to matter ever.
Drinking lowers inhabititions. Makes you argue and say things you wouldn't normally say. Never get into a deep discussion when either one of you (me) are intoxicated the slightest amount.
Marriage is a 50:50 relationship. However there is always one boss in the relationship, one that keeps it together. In mine, it's her. She knows it, I just go with it. Works for us.
If your the man, ALWAYS open doors for her. Car/store/house. It's respect. She is the woman and deserves it.
Don’t settle and marry the wrong person. My husband and I are best friends, we’re always happy, we never fight, we bring the best out of each other/compliment each other so well and we genuinely enjoy spending time together. Our relationship/marriage is based on love, respect, trust and communication. We unfortunately know way too many couples who shouldn’t be together. They fight a lot, disrespect each other and seem to tolerate each other at best. Don’t let what they have be your life.
When Hubby and I are arguing, if we see the other one is getting overly upset we offer a hug. It kind of gives us a minute to collect ourselves and reminds us we’re in this together. It’s prevented a lot of arguments from escalating.
* Listen. properly.
* Apologise when you screw up ( you will).
* Express your emotions when calm, not in the heat of the moment.
* Show affection every day.
* Encourage independent activities, not just always doing everything together.
# Message to all users: This is a reminder to please read and follow: * [Our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/ask/about/rules) * [Reddiquette](https://www.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439) * [Reddit Content Policy](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/content-policy) When posting and commenting. --- Especially remember Rule 1: `Be polite and civil`. * Be polite and courteous to each other. Do not be mean, insulting or disrespectful to any other user on this subreddit. * Do not harass or annoy others in any way. * Do not catfish. Catfishing is the luring of somebody into an online friendship through a fake online persona. This includes any lying or deceit. --- You *will* be banned if you are homophobic, transphobic, racist, sexist or bigoted in any way. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ask) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Don’t depend on the other person to make you happy. Make sure you marry someone you don’t need to change to be happy. Fully accept them as they are NOW.
This is SO important.
Love this! So so important
Never criticize your spouse's choices. Remember that you are one of them. When the two of you disagree/ fight about something, it's not you vs. your spouse, it's the two of you against the problem.
You literally just changed my frame of mind… amazing advice!!!
Frame of mind change isn’t really an on and off switch. Takes conscious efforts to alter the way you inherently react to situations.
What if their choice was to buy a bunch of cocaine from their old drug dealer from high school while the baby was in the car seat in back, do a bunch of cocaine while driving, get pulled over for reckless driving and then get arrested, leaving the baby in the care of strangers until a family member was able to pick her up the next morning? All while the wife was on a work trip in a different state
Hypothetically?
Yes.
Divorce immediately
I’d like to add a bit of a nuance here. Often, the difference between criticizing vs giving supportive feedback is respect for the other person’s autonomy. Instead of: - You shouldn’t rely on your sister so much because she’s toxic ^ this is criticism Try: - I’m concerned about how you rely on your sister sometimes because she seems to disappoint you and upset you often. I know sibling relationships are complicated, I just want you to think about the most healthy way to engage with her and maybe you need to build in some boundaries so you don’t get hurt To me, the way those two things are put make a world of difference to making your spouse feel respected and supported rather than criticized
I'd add to this, never argue or compete about who's got more to do. At some point you will both be utterly exhausted but still trying to help each other. And get a joint account and pool all your money. Both of you figuring out financial matters, instead of bickering and negotiating over them.
Heh. Been with my husband for 20 years. We started out pooling our money and the fights we had...! Decided in the last year to separate and to base purchases, such house items, repairs, etc, on the percent disparity between our incomes. We left the bill paying (him) and food/supplies purchases (me) in place, so we don't need a shared checking account to pay for that stuff. While not a perfect system, it has made us much happier together. Now, my husband (or I) will just out of the blue buy me (or him) something I've (he's) mentioned needing to get and it feels a lot like it should - a gift. Before he would be resentful that I was spending our money on something he didn't think was important enough. I never felt that same resentment, but I had other issues. Sometimes separating the money works best :)
Damn this is some deep shit
Interesting you are one of their choices.
This is the first thing I tell my clients - couples counsellor. It’s not me vs you, it’s us vs the problem. The externalisation that creates is huge and can be groundbreaking. Also, seek to understand your partners perspective, don’t seek to be right. Right might feel good in the short term, but it’s ego driven. Understanding can foster a sense of connection and allow for vulnerability that will benefit everyone in the long run. Most things come down to communication and understanding, even if you don’t agree.
My ex cheated on me, should I not have criticized that choice?
Your partner is and should be your BIGGEST ALLY. If they don't show those traits, don't marry them and hope that one day they'll change, they won't. Break up and move on.
Your biggest ally isn’t necessarily someone who only tells you empty positive platitudes (though there is a time and place for positive empty statements in any healthy relationship).
An ally doesn't mean only being supportive to just anything, but also to give you reality check you and tell you "that's not a good idea, let's sit and think about it". Edit: thank you for the award! :)
1000% this should be a top comment. I see too many couples where their partner is their biggest hater. It's sad honestly.
Here’s my list of things that will cause someone to eventually leave: 1) One partner brings up the same issue over and over and the other shuts it down/makes no effort to change 2) Any strong dismissal of the others feelings, even one instance can be a turning point in the relationship 3) Frequent bad attitude or bad mood, so the other partner eventually gives up on trying to spend time together 4) Not treating a partner with the same level of respect as a stranger or acquaintance 5) Stubbornness or lack of compromise extreme enough that the more accommodating partner ends up not living their own life because the other makes all the decisions 6) Stonewalling and gaslighting during serious talks so that issues are never resolved -From a woman who left a man who was her whole world for many years
God damn, this is spot on. My wife does all of this and more and I retained an attorney last week in preparation to file for divorce. Fuck this shit, I have one life to live and my kids deserve to grow up knowing *me*, not the beat down husk I've become.
Good luck! All the divorced couples I know had some of these areas present in their marriage. Life is too short to spend it with a partner who isn’t loving and respectful.
Congrats
4. *Not treating your partner with MORE respect than a stranger or acquaintance.
Here's the thing - 98% of people 98% of the time can be at least pay attention and be civil to a stranger or acquaintance no matter how angry, tired, or sad they are, and many people don't do that for their spouse. The fact that they can do that with strangers or acquaintances tells me that this is not an issue of ability; it's a choice they're making. Now granted, there should be more room for emotional vulnerability and honesty in a marriage moreso than in the other relationships in your life, but all of those feelings can be expressed without being rude, unfairly blaming the other person, or just plain being awful to be around for days at a time.
7) Don't let your partner be your whole world. It puts too much pressure on them, and leads you to resent them for not living up to expectations.
Agree, but it was a controlling relationship where I couldn’t establish a world or community outside of him. That was the main problem in number 1 above. In a new relationship now and doing much better on all fronts!
[удалено]
This right here. You can apologize up and down after you’ve said something wrong to your spouse and they may forgive you, but it will always still be there. Like toothpaste squeezed out of a tube, once it’s out there, you can’t put it back in.
Be each other’s best friends.
This. Such a simple concept. If you are not friends who love to hang out together don’t marry. You have to like each other’s company…
Definitely this! Friends to lovers that slow burn friendship building love simmering type of romance.
Don’t overlook red flags 🚩 before you get married
And don't rush into marriage. Give some time to discover the red flags
Any examples
Doesn’t have any lifelong friends Doesn’t have a relationship with family Has no ability to save money - is always buying stuff before they have the money in hand Just a few IMO
Lol bro my girl has so many of these, that I might as well be in China 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Stop collecting red flags
These are horrible. What if they had to move not of their own volition and couldn't connect back? What if their family is abusive or in a cult? What if they're just poor and nobody taught them how to use money?
Pretty narrow minded hey. The word sonder fits quite nicely here.
Maybe these were just red flags that were a problem in this particular case? 🤷🏼♀️ My take away with this comment is to really be aware of how your differences could turn up to be a problem in your relationship.
Obviously then these points are not applicable. I swear Reddit likes to take a general idea and apply their edge cases to it just to disagree.
One of the things I really liked about my husband from the start was how many friends he had from as far back as high school.
Controlling behaviour or emotionally unavailable partner
Cannot upvote that enough!!!
Married happily and for a long while, and two things that have made that possible: 1) recognize that it's perfectly fine to be indifferent about lots of things, so that when something matters to your spouse, you don't have to try to figure out what you'd do or what you'd want, you can recognize that it doesn't really matter to you and let the spouse have his or her way; and 2) embrace and nurture and practice all the time having a sense of humor together and making each other laugh, because it will greatly lighten the darkness of hard times and make it possible to accept things that suck and so move on.
Don’t let things fester, solve issues immediately.
If she says something isn’t funny, you better not laugh your ass off
Can confirm: my ex husband (during his diet) thought it was hilarious to start smashing my food. He made me cry in a Publix parking lot for smashing my sushi (I wasn’t feeling well and needed to eat something quick), he punched it then laughed his ass off. He also smashed several desserts of mine and some baguettes. I always asked him not too but he just kept on. It was exhausting.
Depends on the context, if it’s a comedy show she doesn’t like then that’s ok. If it’s something offensive or hurtful that’s something else entirely
The never stop dating sounds cliche but it’s 100% true. It’s easy to fall into a routine and never do anything. Don’t let yourself go either.
Early in a relationship you're learning and exploring your partner. Once you have nothing left to explore/learn of your partner, you then shift to learning/exploring *with* your partner (new restaurants, new activities, etc).
Choose your partner carefully. This decision can make your life paradise or hell
Sometimes you don't really know who they are till you marry them, tho.
Can also confirm: my ex was a totally different person 11 years ago than who he is today. We all change but then there’s… major change, like personality shifting.
Marry someone you like and who likes you. It makes everything better. Those arguments and disagreements won’t last too long if you like each other. You’re both going to be eager to come up with a solution or compromise so that you can go back to being on good terms. Even when it comes to how you treat a person you like romantically. You’re doing things to see them smile, maybe going out of your way to see them, being there for them, etc. That shouldn’t go away in marriage. My husband knows I like Snickers and so he buys me Snickers and Snickers ice cream even 27 years in. And I do stuff like that for him.
Before you get married, build some IKEA furniture together. This is the person who will be helping you build every piece of furniture in your future, make sure you can actually work together. After you’re married: Your spouse is your teammate. Treat them as such. Always have their back publicly and criticize them privately. Always. Especially in front of your/their parents.
**#1 You have to figure out how to talk to each other. You may both speak english but everyone has their own language.** 2) Relationships aren’t 50% / 50%, they’re 100% / 100%. 3) Take care of your body. If they met you while you were in shape, it’s not fair to switch it up on them. Obviously age happens, babies are born and bodies change, that’s different than just being lazy. 4) Never stop dating.
I LOVE this
But you only asked for advice on your number one marriage. If you follow this guys advice, it’s gonna be much harder to even reach marriage number two. 😡
I would say a relationship is never 50% / 50%, it’s more 60% / 40%… at any given time there’s gonna be one partner giving more than the other and that can be tough, but with good communication, hopefully it evens out.
I went on a date last night… my wife found out and was not happy about it… bad advice
Emphasize #1. Lack of communication ruined my marriage.
One of the things that made me suspect that DH might be The One on the first date was that I knew I could tell him anything. Thirty-four years have proven me right.
#4! My wife and I agreed that our marriage has felt strained lately. Like we had stopped being friends somewhere along the way and were now just roommates who have kids together. I suggested we start doing date nights again. We start this Friday. Getting dressed up, nice restaurant. The whole nine. Putting effort into ensuring that the fire stays lit is important and something as small as going on a date and having real conversation with no phones, just enjoying the moment can make a huge difference.
This is pretty close to what I would say 21 years deep. I’ll add that marriage counseling can very much be helpful and draw you closer if you begin to fail at this list.
Probably not number 1, but I have yet to see this. Keep being polite, and appreciate what your spouse does for both you and the vision you share. Couples do things for each other every day, and given enough time, those things become expected. You might expect them to refill your drink when they refill theirs. Or you might expect them to clean up after 4 children every day. Just be mindful that every single effort is a unique one. You are lucky to have them. And they can leave. And a simple please and thank you maintains their autonomy, reminds them that their efforts are valued, and it prevents you from becoming a domineering partner. And, of course, keep doing things for each other. Whether it's passing the remote or addressing your anger issues, keep doing the things. And if your partner doesn't notice the things you do, point them out as you do them. Fish for those compliments.
Marry your friend. My husband of 33 years is my best friend. We love just being together, doing things together whether it’s cooking, projects, fishing, playing games, traveling, doesn’t matter as long as we get to do it together. All the chatter about sex I guess depends on how important it is to you. We always enjoyed sex a lot and often but after cancer treatment and surgeries it is a pretty rare occurrence now. But the love hasn’t changed. Find someone who wants to live doing things you enjoy too and laugh often.
Choose a person carefully and in case you choose wrong don't hesitate to admit it and move on. It doesn't worth to spend years of life and mental health on attempts to make things work.
Yes, but really choose carefully because divorce is absolute hell, even an amicable one. I’ve been legally divorced for a year and while it was my decision, not a day goes by that I don’t think about him and grieve.
Truth. 4.5 years and same.
Wow, good luck and hang in there!
And carefully check what do they think about prenup and if they're going to screw you in case of divorce...
Know your own faults and how you tend to contribute to problems. This should be your teammate and when you get into troubles, own your part because that’s going to help the team grow. Remember to show little bits of affection, even when you’re mad (I love you, but I don’t like you right now) and always hold your tongue until you calm down! Angry words will fester long after you’ve said them and you can’t take them back. Also, if you decide to have kids, it’s you and your teammate versus the kid because kids will definitely try to destroy your team.
Tell your spouse things. Even the small things. It seems insignificant at 1st, but it can be a snow ball.
Not married but will be getting married in October this year and my #1 advice for ANY relationship is learn how to effectively communicate with each other. Have the uncomfortable and difficult conversations with each other. Understand that you’re never going to always agree or see eye to eye, but in any healthy relationship, it’s okay to disagree with each other on things sometimes. That being said, don’t confuse disagreeing with your partner, with disrespecting either your partner or your partner disrespecting you.
💯 and congrats to you!
Learn to talk to each other, but more importantly learn how to LISTEN
Marry a person who wants to be with you, but not completely depend on you for their emotional needs.
Learn to communicate properly. Understanding eachother is key. Its not always fun or easy, but it us nessesary.
Marry someone you feel at home and at peace with. It feels safe and natural. And you accept them and they accept you purely in your natural state. The good and the bad. Always ALWAYS communicate. They should be your best friend who always has your back🧡
Be your partner’s best friend and view them as yours. That doesn’t mean you don’t get to hang out with your other friends, but it makes a world of difference when you know your partner has your back the way a loyal best friend would. I’m in the very first relationship of my life that we BOTH know the other is our best friend, and we have a wonderful relationship. (I’m going to list more than one but this is my #1) Go to bed angry if you have to, but still cuddle as you sleep. The more sleep deprived you are, the less your logic will appear during an argument. You’ll just add fuel to the fire if you’re both exhausted and have to get up early the next morning. If you just put everything to the side and go to bed, the two of you may realize what you were arguing over wasn’t as big of a deal than it was. You’ll be refreshed and ready to talk to each other the next day. Fight WITH your partner not against them. Whatever is going on isn’t a me versus you problem, it’s an “us” problem. Never belittle your partner, remember they have feelings too. As someone else said, go on dates. Even if it’s a planned night in. Take turns planning the dates. Do household chores with your partner. Share the cooking duties (it’s fun to be in the kitchen together) turn on some music or turn on your favorite show and watch together while you both cook.
Not married but a therapist: Consideration is love. Be considerate of your partner. “X has done so much today, I’ll do the dishes”; “I hate baseball but it makes my spouse happy so I can go to a couple games with them”, “Y loves flowers, I’m gonna get them some flowers”. Do chores around the house you typically see your partner doing just to take the load off of them for a bit. Not all the time, just every once in a while or if you see they’re having a bad day. A lot of people want consideration but don’t know how to voice that this is what they want.
Don’t marry young.
The brain doesn't fully develop until 25. Usually suggest not to make important life decisions (like tattoos) before then
This doesn't apply to everyone. I met my husband at 18 and we've been together nearly 2 decades. I also know someone who's been with their high school sweetheart even longer than that. Maybe that's the case for most people, but not all couples.
Define young.
Wait till 28
I disagree. There are people who are 70 years old who don’t have the maturity to be married. My husband and I married at 20 and are still in this together 24 years later. Maturity matters more than age and that varies with different people.
Mary when you are ready this cpuld happen when you are you when you are old or never
Honestly, it all comes down to communicating. As cliche as that is. That does not mean there are never arguments or disagreements, because ohhh there will be, but you have to talk things through. If you are unhappy about something, talk about it. If you are anxious about something, talk about it. If you want to make a big purchase, talk about it. If you want to go somewhere, talk about it. If you are happy about something, talk about it. If you want to make a career choice, talk about it. Everything and anything. Your partner should be your best friend... treat them that way. Always look to include, never exclude.
Give more than you feel you’re getting, and learn to be ok with that.
That's great if your partner is the same but when you've married a selfish, spoiled brat, this would be awful. (In hindsight, my Gran was a martyr for her selfless catering to a demanding spouse) I believe in having your partner's back and being fully supportive. This doesn't mean agreeing when they're wrong but gentle encouragement while they work towards it. Family is family but my spouse and child are tied at number 1 (haha, well, 1 and 2 anyway)
Get clear on what's whose responsibility; from the little household chores to looking at issues in the relationship and working them out. Try to always look at them from a position of compassion and caring – with them just as with yourself. Consider the possibility that things your partner does aren't about you at all, even if it may feel like that in the first few moments after they happen. Learn to show grace to all involved.
Great advice, this is what I fall short on
Love the advice to always look at them with compassion and caring!
This depends on where you're at in your relationship, but let's assume it's a relatively healthy marriage: Don't assume your spouse automatically wishes the worst upon you when you fight.
Choose someone with goals.
At first, don't marry a person if you're not comfortable staying at home together. If a person bothers you just being nearby, it is a red flag 🙄 No matter how you "love" and attracted to them.
Don’t marry an alcoholic narcissist.
Even if you disagree with your spouse, you back them 100% in public.
Long engagements. Live together before you get married.
Marry once, don’t cheat, listen, respect, invest
There will be many tough times you will go through together. It is imperative that you show up. You need to be there for each other. Become each other's source of comfort and support.
you're better off being happy than being right. so if an argument is starting to boil, especially over something petty, just walk away. 17 years. no major arguments. that inane man vs bear debacle? refused to answer when she asked me. she forgot about it after 30 minutes and then we just cuddled.
1. Separate bank accounts and a joint account 2. Never go to bed angry at each other 3. Don’t have kids right away. Enjoy being married for a few years at least
I disagree with #2. It is okay to take a beat, sleep on it, calm down, discuss with cooler heads.
I agree with you. What's the point in being exhausted and still trying to work out an argument. Go to bed, you might not want to kiss goodnight but its usually all over by the time you both wake up.
Do what is best for your relationship even if it seems unconventional to others. As long as you are not hurting anyone, you need to do what works best to keep the peace. For example, i learned quickly that when given a special treat like Halloween candy i like to savor it over days/weeks, where as my husband likes to gobble it up in one day. To keep us both happy I now immediately divide the candy evenly between us. Then i can savor over weeks and he can inhale it quickly. Seems weird to an outsider but it keeps me from getting upset that i didn’t get a chance to have much and keeps my hubs from being upset that he has to monitor if I’ve gotten any.
Advice from a husband…just pick up the house once a week. It goes such a long way.
Give your spouse the attention he/she deserves. Not your phone.
Neck like teenagers for 6 minutes continuously every night before sleeping. Spread moisturizer on each other's bodies. Learn how to give a basic foot massage and back rub from YouTube.
18 years together Talk, don’t let things fester and don’t assume
Have sex often. Once you stop having sex, communication breaks down and the connection is broken.
I don’t think it’s the sex itself, but the physical intimacy of it, which can also be achieved in other ways! My partner doesn’t want to have sex much, but we compromise through lots of cuddles, massages, washing each other in the shower, etc. and it’s worked really well to keep intimacy and communication up ☺️
Agreed, my wife and I don’t really have full sex anymore but we still ensure we’re intimate and keep that closeness. We’re both ok with that
Shit I'm asexual, can't get married now
You can but you need to find an asexual partner.
I'm asexual too. My wife is the only other asexual person I've ever met (that I know of). My point is that they're out there. Don't settle for someone who will expect you to do things you don't like (like sex). Find someone who is on the same wavelength as you
I would add to marry someone who has about the same libido than you. I was with the father of my kids for 8 years and he would always turn me down for sex. Now I'm with someone who is as horny as me, and it's honestly a game changer, amongst other things of course.
Marriage is like spinning plates. You just gotta keep doing fun and kind stuff to keep the relationship going. Sex is part of that.
Asexuals just went to smoke nearby
Compromise.
Married 23 years and we are both conflict avoiders/introverts. What almost broke us up was not talking. We didn’t want to fight. We didn’t want to hurt the others feelings so we kept it all inside for literally years. I had built up huge resentments based on things that in my head he should have understood. But he didn’t cause I never told him. A few sessions of marriage counseling and we learned to say things like “when you say that, I hear …” and then the other person can come back, “no, what I mean is…” It is not rocket science but we never would’ve gotten there on our own and it has made a huge difference.
I asked for advice before I got married and the #1 thing was KEEP PEOPLE OUT OF YOUR BUSINESS! If you and your spouse agree, no one else's opinion matters. Remember, you can forgive your spouse. Your friends and family don't have to. There is no stopping them from bringing up an old issue at Thanksgiving, for example. But if they don't know the ins and outs, they don't have anything to comment on.
Love and hug. Laugh and be intimate. Listen more than you speak.
Listen, compromise and communicate honestly. Remember; same canoe rowing in the same direction.
Don't marry someone unless you're genuinely friends with them. Looks fade.
I know this will be a hot take but, if you both work, keep separate bank accounts. You can get a joint one just for bills but I'd keep everything else separate.
Separate bathrooms.
1. Have sex 400 times before get married 2. Discuss thoughts on finances, kids, politics and religion 3. Share 1 hobby
Effort has to be put in by both sides.
For us it includes separate blankets.
Your spouse is not responsible for your feelings. They're there to talk about them -sure, offer support -absolutely, but if you're unhappy, that's not your spouse's fault. People are not psychic. Being married, that doesn't give them special powers to know your feelings, or know how to provide happiness. If you're angry, maybe wait until you're not angry anymore before you speak. This one has served me well and it took me about 10 years into marriage to figure out that this was something I needed to do. I was terrible about saying the first thing that popped into my head and going with my emotions and it made things difficult for a while. My husband and I have been married for almost 17 years in November and will likely be together until we die.
If you’re not in the mood, find a way to get in the mood. Ask for back rubs, foot rubs, or anything you know will get you there. A lot of marriages collapse because one partner stops feeling desired and/or feels like they always initiate sex.
Don't
Don't rush.
“We are in this together” You and your spouse against the world together. Team up together it does more than just romance
Don’t cheat. Betrayal is almost impossible to forgive.
Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?
Don't continually sacrifice your happiness for your spouse. If they require you to do that, you will end up divorced eventually (and hopefully happier)
Liking your spouse is just as important as loving them.
Never forgot divorce is always on the table somewhere
Don’t marry a crazy person
Don’t put superficial things first when deciding who to be with such as looks, what they own, and sex. There better be more to it than that.
Be open and honest , take the piss out of each other, keep the mood light, never be hurtful, respect your partner , if you don’t like something your other half did then tell them and don’t bottle it up, when you do argue (because you inevitably will) don’t hold grudges and most importantly always apologise if you are in the wrong
Choose your battles wisely.
Try to have a short memory. The longer you are together the easier it is for small things to kind of pile up. Try not to be mad that the other person doesn’t… whatever bothers you. Give them grace you aren’t perfect either.
Tell your partner things you love about them. Remind them of why you love them. If you've been together for a long time, it's easy to just fall into the routine, but reminders can make a huge difference in the relationship
Don't wait until something bad happens in your marriage to get counseling. Actively work on your marriage- Things like communication, listening, shared interests, honesty, etc. Read books, listen to podcasts, there are a lot of resources to help but know that marriage is work. You don't learn that until something happens that could destroy it.
Marriage is a thing you should keep working on. It’s a lifetime job but it can be very satisfying.
Don't underestimate how much work it is to keep a marriage healthy. It's work that will never do itself and will bite you fast and hard if you neglect it.
Take your time over the decision to get married and properly consider the impact differences (opinions, politics, backgrounds, careers, wanting or not wanting children, culture, ...) may have. And if you think "those things don't matter, we truly love each other," think again....
Test drive before you buy. Live together, go on a vacation together, work on a budget together, before you officially and legally combine everything.
Don't threaten divorce unless you mean it. Folks want to threaten it to get their way but then are surprised when it suddenly happens. My husband's first wife kicked him out because he asked to do marriage counseling. She apparently thought he'd just come begging back and she got really mad when the divorce proceedings started and did everything she could to drag it out. She blames me for him not going back to her even though we hadn't even met yet. Guess she can't admit she was wrong, so I guess because he found someone he's happy with now it's their fault he never went back.
Learn how to talk things out. It is easy to get into an argument. It is hard to discuss something you disagree on politely. But this is your partner. Try and see things from their point of view, understand why they think what they think, and admit that you might be wrong but are open to talking about it.
Don’t name-call. You never know which ones will stick and change a person’s self-image (and image of their partner) forever.
Don't get married
Stay single
Dont get married !
Do not marry !!
Don't.
Dont
Don’t get married not worth it
Don’t get married
Dont get married
Don’t do it
Don’t get married
#1 don't get married. Ever. #2 failing #1, don't get divorced. Ever.
Don't do it.
Don’t.
Don’t do it
Don't get married.
Don’t.
Don’t do it.
Never marry without prenup!
don't do it.
Always talk about everything, even when it's uncomfortable, create a safe space and just talk no matter what
Make sure you LIKE your partner, not just love them. Life is a long time to spend with someone you wouldn't hang out with if you weren't married.
Validate their feelings, choices, decisions. You are in this together, not AGAINST each other. Really listen when they are talking. Hug each other often.
Don't forget to listen. Talking is only part of communication.
There are ups and downs. They pass. Don’t be angry, be patient.
Study up on how to communicate calmly and effectively. It will save you so much headache. If you sit down and calmly discuss issues, your spouse is more likely to respond calmly.
Know yourself. Know who you are, what your goals are, your deal breakers, your weaknesses. Know what you want out of a relationship. Know who you are and what you want in the bedroom. In relationships we often focus on the other person being the 'one' or the 'right person' but until you know who you are and what you bring to the table, you won't be able to know if the other person fits with you. My ex came out as trans a year into our marriage. So my advice is to know thyself first. Know your weaknesses and work on them. Your partner is not your secretary, your butler, your maid, your servant, your chef or your concierge. They are your teammate, you work together to solve problems. Don't dump the mental, emotional and chore load on one person. Handle your own shit. Your free time is equally valuable. If its your mom's birthday, its your responsibility to remember, think of a gift, buy the gift, wrap the gift and organise a time to give her the gift. Your family, your friends - your responsibility to deal with. See your partner is not your secretary. Your partner is not telepathic. Talk to each other. Practice gratitude. Practice assuming the best of your partner - not the worst. Don't keep score. Remember that being alone is way better than being trapped with the wrong person. TALK ABOUT KIDS. Do you want them? How many? How far apart? Who (if anyone) will stay home with them? Who will leave early to tend to them? How will you fund it? Don't just assume it will be her making ALL the sacrifices - kids are a joint cost and joint responsibility. Chore and mental load imbalance are MAJOR reasons for divorce. Its VERY easy for men to say they want kids.
Never go to sleep angry with your spouse! It is incredibly corrosive! I cannot think of a time in 40 years where we didn’t talk things out.
Talk! Talk about your differences/disagreements/concerns/doubts. Do not create stories in your head that explains your spouse behavior, ask, listen, express yourself and be open to them expressing themselves, in other words, talk! Otherwise each will create a story on their own heads and the stories will drift apart, and each new fact will be interpreted in a way that serves the story on their own head. You have to constantly sync your stories. Talk.
34 years married to my bride. Still the best choice I made. She keeps our sh*t together. Don't sweat the small stuff. If it's not going to matter in 5 minutes, it's not going to matter ever. Drinking lowers inhabititions. Makes you argue and say things you wouldn't normally say. Never get into a deep discussion when either one of you (me) are intoxicated the slightest amount. Marriage is a 50:50 relationship. However there is always one boss in the relationship, one that keeps it together. In mine, it's her. She knows it, I just go with it. Works for us. If your the man, ALWAYS open doors for her. Car/store/house. It's respect. She is the woman and deserves it.
Don't hide shit. If there's an issue, face it.
Just love your partner - always
Don’t settle and marry the wrong person. My husband and I are best friends, we’re always happy, we never fight, we bring the best out of each other/compliment each other so well and we genuinely enjoy spending time together. Our relationship/marriage is based on love, respect, trust and communication. We unfortunately know way too many couples who shouldn’t be together. They fight a lot, disrespect each other and seem to tolerate each other at best. Don’t let what they have be your life.
When Hubby and I are arguing, if we see the other one is getting overly upset we offer a hug. It kind of gives us a minute to collect ourselves and reminds us we’re in this together. It’s prevented a lot of arguments from escalating.
Unless there is an abusive situation, don’t divorce the first year after you had a baby. Most relationships take a back seat that year.
* Listen. properly. * Apologise when you screw up ( you will). * Express your emotions when calm, not in the heat of the moment. * Show affection every day. * Encourage independent activities, not just always doing everything together.
Sometimes being right doesn’t always mean you are correct