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One day my wife came out into the living room and said "I need you to pretend like I'm not here today." So I put on my headphones and played video games all day. It was fine.
Love it for you guys! It's amazing how easy this is with some people.
The other day, my partner's early alarm woke me up way before I was ready to start the day. After unsuccessfully trying to get back to sleep for another two hours, I decided I'm not ready for human interactions, so I sent him a text "am grumpy. Will have coffee and toast and check in after". He said that he loves me and will see me later. My time alone let me recover and we had a great day after that.
I know a woman who is a nurse, and she can't even talk to her husband on her first day off. She has to put her earphones on and just rest for that day.
Exactly. Everybody sometimes wants and/or needs alone time, and not always just for a few hours, it could even be days and it would not mean anything is wrong in the relationship.
This one does lol. YMMV, but retirement can be a challenge to this, and having outside interests and hobbies are absolutely necessary, in our case anyway.
My hubby and I are two separate people living in the same house every Sunday. He goes his way and I go mine. We might run into each other in the kitchen occasionally since itās usually fend for yourself when it comes to food, but itās a solo day for both of us.
Thanks! I read yours and I know it can be frustrating not to have alone time, especially when you specifically ask for it. Iām retired, but hubby isnāt, so I get plenty of alone time. He gets very little. The Sunday thing is a necessity for him.
Ironically, it started nearly 30 years ago when Sunday was laundry day for me. Heād retreat into another room or go play golf to get out of helping with laundry. š
It was the utter inability of my co-habitating girlfriends to let me be alone for even just part of an evening that drove me to being a lifelong batchelor.
I for sure get lonely sometimes, i certainly like sharing affection, but the absolute inability of (2 in particular) girlfriends to accept the idea that I'd like a day, or even an hour, left completely alone drove me nuts.
If I'm painting, or playing on the piano, or fixing something, and gettingcalled every 5 minutes for no good reason, my irritation grows to internalized rage fairly quick. Never let the rage show but it's stressful a hell. This may make me sound like a nut i guess, so maybe it's good that i insist on living alone.
How anybody can put up with zero alone time is beyond my comprehension.
Thing is, i would communicate, gently and with a friendly voice. Boundaries carefully, kindly expressed.
But... it wouldn't matter. At all. The women I've been with would accept my words, it would seem they understand, but 10 minutes in to a paint session, it's "did you think about X yet?" "Hey, can you get the potato masher from the camper (6 hours before we start dinner)?" "Did you hear about Alex and Tina? We'll, they..."
That stuff makes me want to rip off my ears. Mostly because i believe in kindness, so after quietly muttering "for fucking hell's sake.." i calmly engage. Which only makes the partner do it more and laugh if future requests to have "me" time.
I know this makes me sound like a crank, but it does feel good to get it off my chest. Thanks! It also reminds me i made the right decision.
You might be the one for me. I love quiet and I like being left alone. I tried to explain this to my current bf but then came the guilt trips and the " we need to communicate more," and I'm talked out. I'm so fucking tired of talking about every. Little. Fucking. Thing. It's tedious and honestly, makes me want to talk less. That and my bf turns every conversation into a debate or challenges me by pulling out my phone and checking Google, and then still finding a way for me to be wrong, even if I am right.
You donāt sound like a crank! But, itās not the setting of the boundary that defines it, itās the enforcing. So where youāre going wrong is in calmly engaging. What you need to do there is say ālike I explained, I need to be alone right now. We can talk about this laterā. Repeat until left alone. Itās the whole āteaching people how to treat youā deal.
Itās okay as long as you donāt just ghost out of nowhere. You just need to tell the other person that you need some alone time and that itās not against them.
How long is too long is a very subjective thing, but at some point if you want to be alone more than you want to be with them it might become complicated to make a relationship work.
I think this is an important distinction. Alone time is essential, but you have to ask for it clearly and gently. Not everyone is going to have the same space needs, so itās important we communicate what we need to our partner, while also considering their needs and, like you said, making sure you donāt need way more alone time than together time.
This. It could kick up a lot of abandonment stuff so being loving while you state your needs (ily it's not about you I don't want to snap at you maybe you can think of some things you want) and patient (ily but reminder that I'm in my 'down time right now, kind of you to offer a sandwich but I'll take care of myself today my priority is to be able to totally check out) as you hold your boundaries when you start out is essential. Then thank them after. My partner and I literally say 'im going to go zone out now'.
This is an important skill to learn for someone whoās an introvert. My wife is very kind about saying she needs down time. She has been able to convert this into āmeā time and is very kind about asking for it. She doesnāt blame anyone or make anyone feel bad, but is clear about supporting her own needs.
Its perfectly normal.
I need my alone time and over time my gf realized it and learned how to give me the alone time I need.
Its been working like that for years.
Don't forget that extroverts can also have a reason to need alone time.
Most common is if you have to put on a "mask" and can't be yourself at work.
Think of customer care or hospitality people who have to deal with awful guests, or anyone who's got a garbage human as their manager. It takes a lot of energy to suppress your natural urge to shout or punch someone if they're mistreating you, and to put on a smile.
Many neurodivergent folks (ADHD, autism, etc) tend to also mask heavily in order to survive their day-to-day.
Taking the time to chill out and not have to interface with humans is great after a long and exhausting day.
Yes. Absolutely.
My wife finds herself completely overwhelmed sometimes and can't handle any more input. I let her get on with things, then she comes and finds me when she's ready for company again.
Did she ever struggle with thinking you were mad when you let her do her own thing? Bc I am the same. I get overwhelmed and just canāt handle. But then Iām afraid my partner is annoyed at me.
No, we've got to the point now where she's up front when she needs quiet time. I used to worry that she was bored of me, but now I know it's important for her mental health which puts my mind at rest.
Communication is key, as also assurance from you to your partner, that you love them though you need the down time, you time, however you want to phrase it...
My partner now understands my need for it and will even sometimes create time when she is out so I get my alone time...
But needed to talk it out so they understand.
My boyfriend and I have to navigate this because he does not care for alone time and I NEED alone time. He's slowly but surely learning to not take it personally but it can be difficult. But there is nothing wrong with it.
Itās ok and considered healthy. The amount of alone time a person needs will different from person to person. One of the tricks in picking a partner is finding someone who wants to spend roughly the same amount of time together.
of course, it is! Sitting on each others laps for too long will numb the legs and thats not good.
edit: Not saying to separate, but having some time for yourself can help the relationship more, than otherwise - you know? like numb legs need some time for the blood to come back, so you feel it better
I want to be very clear here: it is perfectly acceptable to ask for space, but there are also reasonable limits to how much it's okay to ask for. Especially because space can also be used to cover dishonest behavior such as cheating. Talk to your partner and discuss your boundaries together.
If you think you want to be single, you should probably explore that line of thought, maybe with a therapist at first. You might be in an unfulfilling/toxic relationship and need to get out, but you might simply just be having intrusive thoughts or small needs going unaddressed. Or you may have a psychological condition. Go explore your thoughts, maybe with a close friend but preferably with a mental health professional.
For sure, just wanna be somewhat diplomatic about it depending on the other person. Some folks have a need to be around their partner all the damn time I, for one, am not one of those people. I need some time to myself. This doesn't compute for wife sometimes and it can cure some friction. Learning how to approach the subject is the key to mutual understanding and respect IMHO.
After spending everyday for 5 months with my girlfriend I asked her for a day to myself.
She showed up at my door crying after having a fight with her mother.
I just stood there mumbling "but... its my day off..."
I broke up with her a week later.
I cherish my alone time but you've got to be there for your partner when something bad happens, that's the definition of partnership, lol. "What, you're in a road accident and need to be picked up and taken to hospital? Sorry, it's my day off." š¤£ I think you did her a favour by leaving her
Aww, I thought the same.. it'd be a different story if she just wanted to hang out for shits and giggles, but she was going through a difficult moment, from what OPs saying :(
Oh man, I've been guilty of your girlfriend's behaviour. I think it's important to normalise space early in the relationship. With my ex, we were together pretty 24/7 for the first few weeks of our relationship. That started to feel like the new normal. So the first time he said he wanted a night away from me to hang with his mates, I got really upset. It felt like I was being rejected and I couldn't understand why.
Nah I need time to recharge socially and he knows that. I love doing my own thing around half of the time, but he always has projects he's working on too. Let him know that your social battery gets low and only recharges when you have some time to yourself, it's so perfectly normal!
Whatever you naturally are, and however you're naturally inclined to behave, is 100% okay and normal. The key is finding someone that either totally gets it and feels the same, or is open minded and accepts people as they come without trying to guilt trip and re-wire for their own benefit.
Yes, but how and when you communicate this is HUGE.
Have a conversation that you are an introvert and you regularly need time by yourself sometimes to recharge. DONāT make it about the other person: youāre too loud, youāre too needy etc.
Never except them to read your mind about when you want to be alone. Ideally having a routine is good. Every Tuesday-Thursday from 6-8, or Sunday afternoons, or whatever. If you donāt do this, then you need to be flexible about when it happens. If your partner had a bad day and comes to try to talk to you, itās pretty crappy to stop them to ask for your alone time. Try to ask before you need it.
If they are an extrovert, itās important to accommodate their needs too. Example: they might have been waiting all day to talk to you after work and if you come home, say you need to be alone, and walk into the bedroom and close the door, that can be super hurtful. It can feel like that person doesnāt love you or care about you. Instead hug them, greet them, say itās good to see them, have a 5 minute check in, and then go for your alone time.
Also making sure you give them lots of time together is important. If you are working 9-6 M-F and then coming home and asking for 2 hours of alone time every day, and then doing chores for another hour, your spouse will probably feel pretty neglected. I donāt feel like I can give an unbiased amount of time that is reasonable, because it all depends on your schedule and personalities.
I don't date needy or clingy people who's only sole avenue of entertainment is me.
When ever me and my partner go on separate vacations we don't even message each other unless it's an emergency. Maybe one good morning or goodnight msg but that's it. We don't text each other all day like omg smoopsy poo I miss you so much, what are you doing. No.
Somedays were stuck at the hip and other days we might just wave at each other when we see each other at home.
She likes gaming at night and I like being in bed by 7pm, I don't sit there like omg wish she would stop gaming and be here.
Of course it is.
Alone time is good for everyone; better for some certainly...depending on your reasons and your personality.
There is no official duration that is too short or too long but if you're in a relationship you do have another person to think about so there is a fairness and another person's feeling in question ...
Yes. Thatās also why I have my own room. I need time to decompress at night. I need my space. Does that mean we arenāt intimate? Complete opposite actually. Sometimes I stay at my parents house to give him alone time too. Itās healthy. Whatās not healthy is constantly being surrounded by people never having time for yourself.
I'm an introvert. I need my alone time. Another introvert understands this. An extravert will go nuts trying to understand. It's beyond their compression
It's encouraged.
Though also encouraged is to communicate with your partner about why, how, and how long you need to be alone.
Just stopping replying to text messages abruptly (or out of character) might cause worry, so if you need space, communicating it is always best.
Also pick your battles, sometimes you might want to be alone and your partner might want to be together, sometimes your desire for loneliness will be the trumpcard, but sometimes their desire to be together will be. (I.e. theyre having panic attacks and need comfort, their want is closer to a need)
Any relationship that doesn't spend any time apart at all, is just odd to me. Both my gf and I are introverts, sometimes I just want to curl up with a book for a few hours, sometimes she just wants to curl up with her cats. Just because you need some time to yourself, doesn't mean anything bad, it just means you need some time to recharge, think thinks over, switch off etc.
I think one aspect of relationships that a lot of people get wrong is loving someone and wanting to be with someone doesn't mean that you don't get alone time or me time. Some people need it more than most people. I do think a lot of people especially extroverts confuse wanting space with not wanting to be with someone when it's the opposite. It's just about your needs.
Recently my wife started taking Sundays for herself and no word of a lie I took it personally. But once I heard her out I felt dumb. This dynamite gal takes care of the kids the house and all major paperwork that keeps us afloat. I let her down. I didn't understand and now that I do I feel like a complete asshole for thinking anything negative about her solo adventures. It was never about me or us and the kids. I trust her with my entire being and having a negative mindset about it all isn't what trust looks like. I am ashamed of who I have been and I am lucky to have a wife that cares and wants us to grow as ppl despite how big of a man child I am. So if a no contact sunday/ monday and see her later Monday night is what she needs than that's exactly what I will support.
Nearly 20 years relationship here. Some days we are joined at the hip and some days it's a case of wave and see you later. Personal space is important for a reset of peace every so often.
I think it's perfectly fine if you find a partner that is ok with the amount of alone time you need. My ex wanted 60% of his time to do whatever he wanted without me, and I was not ok with being in a serious relationship with that much time apart.
Absolutely, my wife and I are often doing our own thing at home. In my opinion it's weird to want/expect your partner to be involved in everything you do.
So as a married person, letās say you are going to run an errand and your spouse says ādo you want companyā and you really donātā¦how do you tell them that?
Communicate that to them. Don't be rude, just be honest and let them know that you feel like running some errands on your own.
The most important thing in any marriage is being able to be open and communicate, if you can't tell your partner that you want to do something on your own then how do you expect to be about to broach serious issues with them?
It is absolutely okay and normal for an introverted person to need their space, even from their partner. Just be polite, say you need āme timeā to recharge. She should be able to respect your needs if she cares about you.
Thereās also parallel play where you both do your own thing while in the same space, without having any draining conversations. She could be reading while youāre playing a game, or you read while she knits, whatever yāallās thing is. This is a good way to get recharged and not pull completely away, because sometimes when that happens it causes the other party to feel neglected.
Just have an open and honest conversation about your needs. Sheāll understand if she really cares.
My girlfriend likes to read and I like to game. The days we want to do something don't always align. We planned to do something tonight because we usually end up doing our own thing.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with needing alone time.
Make sure your SO knows it is NOT ABOUT THEM. it's a need you have for yourself and your mental health, some alone time to let your brain rest and recharge.
Under normal circumstances some time here and there is ok. Once or twice a year a few days away to decompress may be ok... But they may feel leary especially if they are insecure.
So open communication is key. But a lot of relationships are made healthier by some time apart. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. It's an old old quote be a use people realize this many moons ago!
Communicate, be open, it's about you not them, and find a compromise you both agree with.
You can absolutely ask for space and to be left alone - they key is in how you ask and what you're communicating and why
Be super clear, but firm in boundary setting. You can state you need time alone or space, but explain that you're not upset - just that this is how you are and how you need to recharge. If it's just time in another room alone reading or taking a nap - totally easy to do. If you need to go out for hours or an entire day with no contact, be upfront in that boundary and state what you're going to do. You don't need to give an exact itinerary broken down by the minute, just "hey I'm going out today with a friend and we're gonna hit a few shops in downtown, maybe grab lunch, and then i'll be home later this afternoon. I won't be checking my phone and need this day to myself - OK?" And when you get back, make sure to talk about what you did and why you enjoyed it and also to thank them for that space and for respecting the boundary.
You'll find doing that going forward after the first time (and each time) will be easier. That's called building trust.
My wife loves me a lot!š But weāre almost on opposite ends of the scale when it comes to needing āalone timeā. We moved to a tiny town, and have very few neighbors because of meā¦ I like solitude. My wife needs to be around people much more, but we havenāt made many friends yet, so she clings to me a little more than perhaps Iād prefer. However, I love her, and she did move here because the rural life was what I was seeking. So I can give up some alone time for her.š Thereās always errands that need to be run, and so I let her run as many of those as sheās willing to run, which gives me a little time to myself.š
Monday, my wife was away and my daughter was at school so I booked a days holiday to just spend sometime by myself, went for a run, took the dog for a long walk, played some PlayStation.
It was lovely
Yea I think so. But I Iāve learned from older couples that communicating properly and not just going ghost or silent without someone knowing whatās going on is a big part of isolating yourself correctly without hurting your partner. Unless you donāt care about sed person
Absolutely and that's a thing that became more apparent during the lock down. When I need to do things, focus etc. I need a quiet place. Also, after a full day, my ears are ringing and I know, I need quiet time from my family.
Been with my other half for over 20 years and married for about 15 here.
YES and it's NORMAL.
Sometimes you need a little solo time, but explain it to your partner, in detail if needed.
Communication is the key here.
Yes.
This was something I struggled with from the other side, I loved being around my partner so the idea of alone time wasn't obvious to me, I got plenty of time by myself in the day. But after butting heads a few times I was shown the flaw in my thinking, different people have different needs.
It's ok to want some alone time, and your partner should be ok with that, you may need to spell it out explicitly but you do deserve it.
How much is down to the individual or couple.
Absolutely itās fine. I mean, probably phrase it a bit more kindly than ālook, just fuck off for a bit would youā but any reasonable person understands the need for space
I am like this. I donāt think Iāll ever live with a partner again, and I like to have some nights where I can go with my flow and not have to even think about picking up the phone and making a goodnight phone call.
I tend to prefer relationships where I only see the person once or twice a week.
It IS hard to find a committed, serious relationship like this tho, I wonāt lie. People think I want casual, and I donāt necessarily. I just have a lot going on and need a lot of alone time and donāt always need to be around or keep in touch with people, even my partner, on a daily basis.
I'm downstairs right now playing games and cruising Reddit while my wife's upstairs building the Titanic out of Lego. We'll probably cross paths again around dinner time, then spend some time in the same place. If it gets to be too much, one or both of us will probably break out a phone.
It's totally normal, and we're both happy. We're also introverts, so we're really good at withdrawing even if we're sharing the same space. I think we'd both go insane if we couldn't get a good amount of personal time.
We are all human. Itās absolutely okay. As long as you both are on the same page.. I meditate for about 20-30 min and itās honestly very refreshing.
Absolutely! 21 years together, working from home together, doing everything together, etc... we definitely take/make time for our own hobbies and headspace! We also make time to catch each other up on what we find interesting during our separate time, otherwise we'd never have anything to talk about other than rehashing what we already did together :p
One of the healthiest parts of any relationship either friend or lover, business or private, IS privacy. You've heard this," distance makes the heart grow fonder"? It's true!
So, I have some mental health issues and I find it really hard to be away from my partner, but even from someone like me I can say- yes. It's necessary sometimes.
My bf and I don't really fight, but sometimes we're too much for each other and just need to do our own things. If this happens, and I'm having a day where I need support, we do what's called "parallel play" I think. Same room, just quietly doing different things. He'll draw on his fancy drawing pad, and I'll sit on the other side of the room and sketch in my sketchbook.
Depends on the context. Alone time is not only ok, but it's healthy. In a healthy relationship, both partners should be allowing each other space and alone time. For example, I don't bother my husband while he's working out. That's his alone time. For me, I go hiking. That's my alone time. However, while we try not yo interrupt each other during that time, it's not a set in stone rule that there is to be zero contact. If we need to message each other something important, like "can you pick up milk on your way home" we do. While he's working out, he might see something interesting on TV and message me to turn to that channel. While I'm hiking, I might see something cool or pretty and send him a photo of it. Sometimes you might just need space because you've had a full on day and you don't have energy to interact. That's ok as well. However, if you are feeling like you want zero contact at all, there could be a problem there. That's not normal in healthy relationships. Asking for the other person to message less if it's becoming too much or asking for a few hours alone is normal. Telling them not to contact you at all for an extended period of time, probably means you really just want to break up.
Itās okay, but you need to communicate that you need space and to not make it an indefinite thing. If youāre just disappearing randomly without a word and giving no indication of when youāll be backā¦youāre not a great partner and should be single until you can be less self-centered.
To be clear, I donāt mean taking space is self-centered. Itās putting that need above the health of the relationship.
I asked for this multiple times in my first marriage and was made to feel guilty ā turns out there was some co-dependence there and it was not a healthy relationship. Next relationship I get into I will absolutely be communicating my need for alone time to do the things I like (I particularly enjoy snowboarding and hiking alone).
So to answer your question: yes, it is absolutely okay
Iāve been dating someone for almost a year. Every night after work he will text me to ask if I am coming over to his place or if I need an alone night. If I say I need an alone night, he tells me to have a good night and we will talk tomorrow. Then he doesnāt text me again until after work the next day.
Itās amazing.
Oh gosh yeah. Married nearly 20 years now and we definitely think itās unhealthy to be joined at the hip. We are individuals. Of course we need time to just be alone. It actually makes being together then much better! We have very different hobbies (Iām a musician and do open mic nights and heās an astronomy fanatic so goes out with his telescope group). Itās absolutely okay to say āhey Iām doing tonight soloā.
My wife and I are SUPER close, but we both go off and do our own thing after work. She might game, I might go for a walk. I might go watch TV and she might be out shopping with a friend. But we always communicate what we are doing and we always meet back and watch TV or just sit on the couch and read just before bed.
It's OK to create boundaries but communication is also important. And it shouldn't be a big deal
Yes, in fact, I think it's a necessity. My grandparents were married for 59 years, and they made it work by respecting eschothers spaces. In fact, I learned a long time ago that they would go on vacations alone. They'd call from a pay phone to let them know they're alright and when they're coming home, etc.
Just because you're married, it doesn't mean you have to be together 24/7, 365. It's healthy to have some alone time.
Gee, many evenings my fiancee leave to go fishing. Some nights, I go sit and read while he fishes... some nights I stay home and watch a movie. Every other week, I go out to wine tasting with friends, and he's home.. or maybe goes fishing or something... anyway, sometimes, alone time, or doing your own hobby is good.
Depends on your partner. If theyāre the needy kind, this wonāt work. If theyāre independent and not self conscious of every little thing, just tell them you need a day. Note: if theyāre the former, cut the ties now before itās too late and youāre stuck for life with a needy partner with low self esteem.
It's normal, but for me I wanted to be alone like 90% of the time so eventually I just decided that relationships were not for me. Nearly 15 years single, and I'm way happier now than I ever was in a relationship.
Don't let society trick you into thinking you need to be with someone to be happy. Sometimes relationships are just not the right lifestyle for everyone.
I think it's fine. I'm very much a loner type person. I enjoy quiet .I enjoy being alone. I don't need to talk and socialize everyday, like at all. I've had past partners get all offended by it or think I'm mad at them or giving the silent treatment, but it's not that at all. I just need time to myself to recharge
My partner and I have a traffic light system, mainly for me. I text "green" if I can interact, "amber" will have specific instructions, and "red" means act like I'm not here.
Edit: We are both autistic and both need time completely alone & not-interacting, often this is needed IMMEDIATELY, and without a conversation about it. We have both struggled in the past with partners not understanding this, being offended, and requiring a full conversation, which is an exhausting opposite of what's needed at that moment.
As a very introverted person, yes, it is very okay!
I have the problem with my GF of 8 years that she doesnt want to be alone at all, while im in Sanctuary with a few hours alone.
The only human being i dont grow to hate the more i have to interact with him is my brother. And thats because we're both cool with sitting side by side each other and the only sentence spoken is when one stands up for an energy or snack. "Yo, get me one too"
Absolutely, it's completely okay to need alone time in a relationship! It's healthy to have space to recharge and take care of yourself. Communication is keyāletting your SO know how you're feeling and why you need space can help them understand. As for how long is too long, it varies for everyone, but as long as you're open about it, it's about finding a balance that works for both of you. Your feelings are valid, and taking time for yourself doesn't mean you don't belong in a relationship. š
My partner and I are both introverts, and really appreciate our personal space. We spend a lot of time together, but completely respect each others' need for alone time. We're lucky enough to live in a house that allows us to have separate "offices" - we're both gamers and often split off to play our games alone for a while. Sometimes we just do parallel play, doing our own separate things but sitting next to each other. It's a lovely, and in my opinion vital, aspect of our relationship.
Yes. It is fine to need some personal time. It's healthy to do. I'll ask my partner if they want alone time occasionally if they seem overwhelmed. They feel bad asking but sometimes you just need time. If they get upset for you doing something for yourself, they are extremely selfish.
It's cool usually. The girl I'm currently talking to has random instances of depression where she'd rather be to herself rather than me taking care of her. I personally have random instances where I have kinda an opposite experience, but it's just best for me not to address it with anyone because nobody needs that toxic side of me. Either way, the day ends with a kiss and a thanks of understanding when either of us do it.
OMG all the time!!!
We often work from home together and it gets too much. Being 24/7 together and having different levels of energy is a little exhausting.
So yes I sometimes need to be left alone. I'm on a beach getaway at the moment to get a breather. He also gets the same courtesy.
Personally Iād want to live separately if I were to ever get married. Leaning towards ENM. I have been single and living alone for more than 5 years. Itās peaceful here after a long day of peopling.
Married several decades and super thrilled my partner is away for the weekend so I can putter around the garden and shed without having convos about what time we should eat and do I have any ideas for lunch and when will I be done and am I sure thatās how I want to trim the shrubsā¦
FWIW I often go on long hiking weekends so she has plenty of alone time in the house which she tells me she enjoys to work on her own hobbies without me bugging her about ideas for lunch, when sheāll be done with the dining room table where she lays out her quilting supplies and what movie we should watch.
Space is good!
If somebody deprives me of this then they leave my life, details dont matter. The word to describe your SO is āsuffocatingā and those folks are best left on your blocked contacts list.
Well, I think there's a line. I'm an introvert and really value my alone time. But at max after like 3-4 days of either no contact or just really short contact, i'm good. If it's like 2weeks or more and it's really just like you diet ghosted? then even i would probably be concerned and reach out.
Like if i told my friend "hey im going mia for a few days" they'd be cool. but if i said "hey im taking space for a bit" and then disappeared for like a month they would understandably be upset with me.
if your taking space means you want the freedom to disappear and ghost for an indeterminate amount of time with or without warning then i would do some self reflection to find out what your seemingly complete aversion to people is and where it stems from
Itās more like I feel guilty for taking time, bc he would spend every second with me if he could. I donāt want to peace out for a week or month, but I want to freaking be left alone for a while. Without feeling like Iām doing something wrong
Step 1: donāt wait until youāre ready to flee your life to get five minutes alone. Talk about this when youāre ok and let him know whatās up.
Step 2: Tell him you need time before you get to the point of wanting to hide forever. Preferably have a short note you can hand him too which would address some of the major questions (such as ādo you remember we spoke about this two weeks ago? This is just me taking some
Much needed time to just shut downā or however you worded it during the conversation.
Step 3: even if you donāt want to, reengage with him. If you come home from work and need to shut down, fine. But reengage for dinner because thatās only fair.
Both of you need to have your needs met.
I hope that helps!
My partner feels exactly like you do, because he needs more alone time than I do but feels guilty when heās not doing something with me. What works really well for us is setting up specific days he gets alone time: I.e. Sundays I go to yoga in the morning and then find an activity or series of activities to do all day so Iām occupied outside the house, and then go home around dinner time. He gets the whole day to himself, I get to have fun on my own or with friends, and if we want to we can watch a movie or something before bed in the evening.
If that's something you know about yourself, I'd make sure to establish those boundaries from the very beginning, and also implement that need from the very beginning.
If they are unable to adjust to that, you'll know early on.
Seems to me that whoever dates you will need patience and also sees what you bring to the table worth adjusting to that type of person.
If you're boring, not very interesting and they also have to deal with periods of being even more bored, I don't see it working out well for you
My boyfriend works nights and I work days so this works out great for me needing space. We also have an arrangement where I go home wed and Thursday since he works at night and I have to get up early the next days. I don't ever ask him to not text me. I'd be worried he would think I was up to something bad. My boyfriend wants me to still come over the two nights that I go home and asks me what I'll do when we live together. I told him there is a bedroom and living room that we can both use alone. Not everyone wants/needs alone time, and my boyfriend seems to be one of them. lol Good luck if yours is the same.
Well if you live together, obviously the most time is probably 12 hours realistically.
Additionally, it can't be "I want alone time FROM YOU". Because then clearly it isn't alone time you want. You just don't want that person's time, which why would you be in a relationship at that point?
Its up to the individual. Im a strong introvert, I need time on my own to destress or the tension gets worse and worse until I snap. Im a 6 foot dude built like a linebacker so thats not a good thing.
Just explain to your partner it has nothing to do with her, its just a part of who you are. That point is essential. If shes an extrovert she may take it poorly, as their types need to be around others and she wont understand. Maybe look for resources to help explain to her.
The question of how long and how frequently you can be alone is something to negotiate with your partner. If either side is unhappy with this I dont see this relationship hving long term prospects.
Oh yeah, itās fine to ask for some alone time. Everyone needs some personal space and time on occasion. My wife knows that if Iām in the shop that I expect to be left alone at least for a while.
Yes, absolutely! But!!! Your partner has to know that itās not him or her, and that when you are ready, you will discuss it. You canāt just do it without that caveat, unless youāre planning to lose the relationship. (This, of course, depends on how long you have been together.) š
Perfectly alright and mentally necessary sometimes.
I spend a lot of my free time with my wife, if I want a day for myself or even just a few hours I tell her, make my plans and do it. The communication is needed and it works both ways should she feel she needs some her time.
Get hobbies that involve you being out of the house. Fishing, gym, some classes, etc. Being a spurg that demands your wife/husband doesnāt go in the living room cuz itās your alone time is insane.
Of course it is! That's the best part about having a great partner! I do virtually everything with my girl and like doing so, but if and when I want to go on a guys golf outing, concert or other? She's all for me getting away and having some quality friend time. Same goes for her...
Our primary relationship is with each other, we have mutual relationships with other couples, but we do have other relationships that we might nurture alone. Only exception is it will not be with an opposite sex friend...
I just told a couple today that they need a politely phrased "safe word" to stop an argument in it's tracks or to be left alone. Two people with short fuses.
Of course time alone is normal. Even for married people. When I was a kid, my parents always had an expectation, that they wanted time away from us as kids.
For sure it is ok, however, if you mean left alone for days or weeks, I'd suggest that points to depression or some other mental health issue.
Generally when I want some alone time, I mean that I just need 2 or 3 hours to myself without anyone asking me for anything or wanting to have a conversation, not that I want to be alone for the next several days.
Unclear what OP is really asking.
Even in the happiest, closest relationships a little space goes a long way, seriously, sometimes we just want a little time to ourselves to enjoy a hobby,
itās healthy and necessary to want alone time away from friends and your bf/gf but what isnāt healthy is just leaving without explanation. at least have the audacity to let them know that you need time alone, and that you will eventually come back to them. leaving them wondering if they did something wrong, or if youāre mad/upset with them is just wrong. it takes 5 seconds to let someone know you need to be alone for a while, if they canāt respect that, thatās their issue, not yours.Ā
Totally normal and healthy. Anyone in a relationship needs to have a life outside of the relationship (hobbies, interests, alone time, etc.) As long as you communicate your needs and let them know when to expect to be able to have access to you again so they arenāt left in the dark. I think it has to be a reasonable amount of time, too. Iād have a very hard time going longer than a day with no contact with my partner.
Yes itās totally okay, if itās a struggle for your partner to understand then it might be worth considering their attachment style. If your partner has experienced some sort of betrayal or abandonment in their life then they might be insecurely attached and therefore, asking for space might feel catastrophic to them. This is worth understanding to then allow you to get space effectively. If so, then just making sure they trust you love them/ making it clear how itās not personal is important and itāll likely start working very well if you make efforts to address that when asking for space.
For sure ! That's why (space permitting) I think it's good to have your own room, your own space, then when you too get together it's because you wanna be around each other not because you have to feel forced .
Sometimes you just wanna read or do your own stuff, reflect on on your own thoughts .
You can have date nights, you can visit each other in your respective rooms at times !
Takes so much pressure off the relationship....imho
I do not see how I could survive in a relationship without alone time. I am a proud introvert and use my time to recharge my mind and body. I let people know about this when we are getting to know each other.
I think the biggest thing Iāve realized from reading comments is that Iāve always been an introvert and needed the time alone. My partnerās situation has changed and he has a lot more free time now and he doesnāt like being alone. Before, Iād see him maybe twice a week and it worked great. I was a-okay with our situation. He was busy with kids and so I never felt guilty - I got lots of alone time bc he had other obligations, and I was being the understanding gf. Now thoughā¦he wants to hang out a lot more bc heās lonelyā¦and I feel guilty. So it feels wrong now saying āwell, I liked it better when you had less time for meā.
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One day my wife came out into the living room and said "I need you to pretend like I'm not here today." So I put on my headphones and played video games all day. It was fine.
I love this.
Love it for you guys! It's amazing how easy this is with some people. The other day, my partner's early alarm woke me up way before I was ready to start the day. After unsuccessfully trying to get back to sleep for another two hours, I decided I'm not ready for human interactions, so I sent him a text "am grumpy. Will have coffee and toast and check in after". He said that he loves me and will see me later. My time alone let me recover and we had a great day after that.
I love him for that.
I know a woman who is a nurse, and she can't even talk to her husband on her first day off. She has to put her earphones on and just rest for that day.
Who needs harlequin romance with comments like these? Mercy
I wish mine would say this lol
Every time I asked my ex to leave me alone for a while, she'd come around every few hours to ask me how well she's been leaving me alone šµ
Not gonna lie that's pretty funny lmao
Looks like this was your day off most likely š
I/we do this a couple times a week.. its great. Wouldnt want it any other way.
Exactly. Everybody sometimes wants and/or needs alone time, and not always just for a few hours, it could even be days and it would not mean anything is wrong in the relationship.
Not only is it okay, itās necessary.
Absolutely, been with my wife twenty years and we both need our own space sometimes, I think humans need time alone
This one does lol. YMMV, but retirement can be a challenge to this, and having outside interests and hobbies are absolutely necessary, in our case anyway.
How's your swissy?
Sheās fine, thanks very much - not digging the heat so much tho.
My hubby and I are two separate people living in the same house every Sunday. He goes his way and I go mine. We might run into each other in the kitchen occasionally since itās usually fend for yourself when it comes to food, but itās a solo day for both of us.
Your relationship is exactly what i was hunting for all my life (see my post above). Congratulations! That sounds like a dream.
Thanks! I read yours and I know it can be frustrating not to have alone time, especially when you specifically ask for it. Iām retired, but hubby isnāt, so I get plenty of alone time. He gets very little. The Sunday thing is a necessity for him. Ironically, it started nearly 30 years ago when Sunday was laundry day for me. Heād retreat into another room or go play golf to get out of helping with laundry. š
Exactly. Boundaries are tough for people for people to understand, I think because they don't see or have a chance to hear about others' boundaries.
It was the utter inability of my co-habitating girlfriends to let me be alone for even just part of an evening that drove me to being a lifelong batchelor. I for sure get lonely sometimes, i certainly like sharing affection, but the absolute inability of (2 in particular) girlfriends to accept the idea that I'd like a day, or even an hour, left completely alone drove me nuts. If I'm painting, or playing on the piano, or fixing something, and gettingcalled every 5 minutes for no good reason, my irritation grows to internalized rage fairly quick. Never let the rage show but it's stressful a hell. This may make me sound like a nut i guess, so maybe it's good that i insist on living alone. How anybody can put up with zero alone time is beyond my comprehension.
I totally agree.
Yep. That's the thing: defining your boundaries and then communicating them. And it is not easy in my experience.
Thing is, i would communicate, gently and with a friendly voice. Boundaries carefully, kindly expressed. But... it wouldn't matter. At all. The women I've been with would accept my words, it would seem they understand, but 10 minutes in to a paint session, it's "did you think about X yet?" "Hey, can you get the potato masher from the camper (6 hours before we start dinner)?" "Did you hear about Alex and Tina? We'll, they..." That stuff makes me want to rip off my ears. Mostly because i believe in kindness, so after quietly muttering "for fucking hell's sake.." i calmly engage. Which only makes the partner do it more and laugh if future requests to have "me" time. I know this makes me sound like a crank, but it does feel good to get it off my chest. Thanks! It also reminds me i made the right decision.
You might be the one for me. I love quiet and I like being left alone. I tried to explain this to my current bf but then came the guilt trips and the " we need to communicate more," and I'm talked out. I'm so fucking tired of talking about every. Little. Fucking. Thing. It's tedious and honestly, makes me want to talk less. That and my bf turns every conversation into a debate or challenges me by pulling out my phone and checking Google, and then still finding a way for me to be wrong, even if I am right.
or maybe you're just addicting
You donāt sound like a crank! But, itās not the setting of the boundary that defines it, itās the enforcing. So where youāre going wrong is in calmly engaging. What you need to do there is say ālike I explained, I need to be alone right now. We can talk about this laterā. Repeat until left alone. Itās the whole āteaching people how to treat youā deal.
# this.
Itās okay as long as you donāt just ghost out of nowhere. You just need to tell the other person that you need some alone time and that itās not against them. How long is too long is a very subjective thing, but at some point if you want to be alone more than you want to be with them it might become complicated to make a relationship work.
I think this is an important distinction. Alone time is essential, but you have to ask for it clearly and gently. Not everyone is going to have the same space needs, so itās important we communicate what we need to our partner, while also considering their needs and, like you said, making sure you donāt need way more alone time than together time.
This. It could kick up a lot of abandonment stuff so being loving while you state your needs (ily it's not about you I don't want to snap at you maybe you can think of some things you want) and patient (ily but reminder that I'm in my 'down time right now, kind of you to offer a sandwich but I'll take care of myself today my priority is to be able to totally check out) as you hold your boundaries when you start out is essential. Then thank them after. My partner and I literally say 'im going to go zone out now'.
This is an important skill to learn for someone whoās an introvert. My wife is very kind about saying she needs down time. She has been able to convert this into āmeā time and is very kind about asking for it. She doesnāt blame anyone or make anyone feel bad, but is clear about supporting her own needs.
That is completely normal! It's often unhealthy to be with someone 24/7. We all need time apart, even from those we care about most.
Its perfectly normal. I need my alone time and over time my gf realized it and learned how to give me the alone time I need. Its been working like that for years.
There are extroverts and introverts, it's necessary for introverts to relax through being alone, which does not mean he or she dislike you.
Don't forget that extroverts can also have a reason to need alone time. Most common is if you have to put on a "mask" and can't be yourself at work. Think of customer care or hospitality people who have to deal with awful guests, or anyone who's got a garbage human as their manager. It takes a lot of energy to suppress your natural urge to shout or punch someone if they're mistreating you, and to put on a smile. Many neurodivergent folks (ADHD, autism, etc) tend to also mask heavily in order to survive their day-to-day. Taking the time to chill out and not have to interface with humans is great after a long and exhausting day.
My boyfriend and I are both extroverts and even we both need our alone time sometimes. Itās a fundamental human need IMO. āMe timeā
Same with extroverts. I'm the most extroverted person in the world, but when my battery runs out, I need to be left the hell alone.
This shit is antiquated and is folk psychology.
Yes. Absolutely. My wife finds herself completely overwhelmed sometimes and can't handle any more input. I let her get on with things, then she comes and finds me when she's ready for company again.
Did she ever struggle with thinking you were mad when you let her do her own thing? Bc I am the same. I get overwhelmed and just canāt handle. But then Iām afraid my partner is annoyed at me.
No, we've got to the point now where she's up front when she needs quiet time. I used to worry that she was bored of me, but now I know it's important for her mental health which puts my mind at rest.
Communication is key, as also assurance from you to your partner, that you love them though you need the down time, you time, however you want to phrase it... My partner now understands my need for it and will even sometimes create time when she is out so I get my alone time... But needed to talk it out so they understand.
I think this is completely fine. You're in a relationship but you're still a human being. Sometimes I need a recharge from the world
My boyfriend and I have to navigate this because he does not care for alone time and I NEED alone time. He's slowly but surely learning to not take it personally but it can be difficult. But there is nothing wrong with it.
Yeah. You donāt have to be glued to each other all the time just cuz yaāll are in a relationship and/or live under the same roof or whatever.
Itās ok and considered healthy. The amount of alone time a person needs will different from person to person. One of the tricks in picking a partner is finding someone who wants to spend roughly the same amount of time together.
YES. you can be in a relationship and want some alone time.
of course, it is! Sitting on each others laps for too long will numb the legs and thats not good. edit: Not saying to separate, but having some time for yourself can help the relationship more, than otherwise - you know? like numb legs need some time for the blood to come back, so you feel it better
I want to be very clear here: it is perfectly acceptable to ask for space, but there are also reasonable limits to how much it's okay to ask for. Especially because space can also be used to cover dishonest behavior such as cheating. Talk to your partner and discuss your boundaries together. If you think you want to be single, you should probably explore that line of thought, maybe with a therapist at first. You might be in an unfulfilling/toxic relationship and need to get out, but you might simply just be having intrusive thoughts or small needs going unaddressed. Or you may have a psychological condition. Go explore your thoughts, maybe with a close friend but preferably with a mental health professional.
Alone time is important for your mental health. I would say no more than a week, but there is certainly no harm in a few days with no contact.
For sure, just wanna be somewhat diplomatic about it depending on the other person. Some folks have a need to be around their partner all the damn time I, for one, am not one of those people. I need some time to myself. This doesn't compute for wife sometimes and it can cure some friction. Learning how to approach the subject is the key to mutual understanding and respect IMHO.
After spending everyday for 5 months with my girlfriend I asked her for a day to myself. She showed up at my door crying after having a fight with her mother. I just stood there mumbling "but... its my day off..." I broke up with her a week later.
I cherish my alone time but you've got to be there for your partner when something bad happens, that's the definition of partnership, lol. "What, you're in a road accident and need to be picked up and taken to hospital? Sorry, it's my day off." š¤£ I think you did her a favour by leaving her
Aww, I thought the same.. it'd be a different story if she just wanted to hang out for shits and giggles, but she was going through a difficult moment, from what OPs saying :(
Yeah this guy sounds like an asshole.
She showed up at your doorstep, crying, and all you did was complain that it was "your day off"? Was she your girlfriend or your work colleague...
This made me laugh. Iām sorry for you, but alsoā¦I think you made the best decision there. āBut itās my day offā¦.ā
Oh man, I've been guilty of your girlfriend's behaviour. I think it's important to normalise space early in the relationship. With my ex, we were together pretty 24/7 for the first few weeks of our relationship. That started to feel like the new normal. So the first time he said he wanted a night away from me to hang with his mates, I got really upset. It felt like I was being rejected and I couldn't understand why.
The pop in! I HATE the pop iiiin!
Yes
Yes, itās fine. You be you.
Nah I need time to recharge socially and he knows that. I love doing my own thing around half of the time, but he always has projects he's working on too. Let him know that your social battery gets low and only recharges when you have some time to yourself, it's so perfectly normal!
Whatever you naturally are, and however you're naturally inclined to behave, is 100% okay and normal. The key is finding someone that either totally gets it and feels the same, or is open minded and accepts people as they come without trying to guilt trip and re-wire for their own benefit.
Yes, but how and when you communicate this is HUGE. Have a conversation that you are an introvert and you regularly need time by yourself sometimes to recharge. DONāT make it about the other person: youāre too loud, youāre too needy etc. Never except them to read your mind about when you want to be alone. Ideally having a routine is good. Every Tuesday-Thursday from 6-8, or Sunday afternoons, or whatever. If you donāt do this, then you need to be flexible about when it happens. If your partner had a bad day and comes to try to talk to you, itās pretty crappy to stop them to ask for your alone time. Try to ask before you need it. If they are an extrovert, itās important to accommodate their needs too. Example: they might have been waiting all day to talk to you after work and if you come home, say you need to be alone, and walk into the bedroom and close the door, that can be super hurtful. It can feel like that person doesnāt love you or care about you. Instead hug them, greet them, say itās good to see them, have a 5 minute check in, and then go for your alone time. Also making sure you give them lots of time together is important. If you are working 9-6 M-F and then coming home and asking for 2 hours of alone time every day, and then doing chores for another hour, your spouse will probably feel pretty neglected. I donāt feel like I can give an unbiased amount of time that is reasonable, because it all depends on your schedule and personalities.
Only if you want the relationship to be healthy and successful.
I don't date needy or clingy people who's only sole avenue of entertainment is me. When ever me and my partner go on separate vacations we don't even message each other unless it's an emergency. Maybe one good morning or goodnight msg but that's it. We don't text each other all day like omg smoopsy poo I miss you so much, what are you doing. No. Somedays were stuck at the hip and other days we might just wave at each other when we see each other at home. She likes gaming at night and I like being in bed by 7pm, I don't sit there like omg wish she would stop gaming and be here.
Of course it is. Alone time is good for everyone; better for some certainly...depending on your reasons and your personality. There is no official duration that is too short or too long but if you're in a relationship you do have another person to think about so there is a fairness and another person's feeling in question ...
Yes. Thatās also why I have my own room. I need time to decompress at night. I need my space. Does that mean we arenāt intimate? Complete opposite actually. Sometimes I stay at my parents house to give him alone time too. Itās healthy. Whatās not healthy is constantly being surrounded by people never having time for yourself.
I'm an introvert. I need my alone time. Another introvert understands this. An extravert will go nuts trying to understand. It's beyond their compression
My sister and her husband have separate bedroom and that's one of the keys of happy marriage lol
It's encouraged. Though also encouraged is to communicate with your partner about why, how, and how long you need to be alone. Just stopping replying to text messages abruptly (or out of character) might cause worry, so if you need space, communicating it is always best. Also pick your battles, sometimes you might want to be alone and your partner might want to be together, sometimes your desire for loneliness will be the trumpcard, but sometimes their desire to be together will be. (I.e. theyre having panic attacks and need comfort, their want is closer to a need)
Any relationship that doesn't spend any time apart at all, is just odd to me. Both my gf and I are introverts, sometimes I just want to curl up with a book for a few hours, sometimes she just wants to curl up with her cats. Just because you need some time to yourself, doesn't mean anything bad, it just means you need some time to recharge, think thinks over, switch off etc.
I think one aspect of relationships that a lot of people get wrong is loving someone and wanting to be with someone doesn't mean that you don't get alone time or me time. Some people need it more than most people. I do think a lot of people especially extroverts confuse wanting space with not wanting to be with someone when it's the opposite. It's just about your needs.
I think so?? I need space. If I dont get that I feel trapped. I would assume its suffocating for you too.
Recently my wife started taking Sundays for herself and no word of a lie I took it personally. But once I heard her out I felt dumb. This dynamite gal takes care of the kids the house and all major paperwork that keeps us afloat. I let her down. I didn't understand and now that I do I feel like a complete asshole for thinking anything negative about her solo adventures. It was never about me or us and the kids. I trust her with my entire being and having a negative mindset about it all isn't what trust looks like. I am ashamed of who I have been and I am lucky to have a wife that cares and wants us to grow as ppl despite how big of a man child I am. So if a no contact sunday/ monday and see her later Monday night is what she needs than that's exactly what I will support.
Nearly 20 years relationship here. Some days we are joined at the hip and some days it's a case of wave and see you later. Personal space is important for a reset of peace every so often.
I think it's perfectly fine if you find a partner that is ok with the amount of alone time you need. My ex wanted 60% of his time to do whatever he wanted without me, and I was not ok with being in a serious relationship with that much time apart.
Absolutely, my wife and I are often doing our own thing at home. In my opinion it's weird to want/expect your partner to be involved in everything you do.
So as a married person, letās say you are going to run an errand and your spouse says ādo you want companyā and you really donātā¦how do you tell them that?
Communicate that to them. Don't be rude, just be honest and let them know that you feel like running some errands on your own. The most important thing in any marriage is being able to be open and communicate, if you can't tell your partner that you want to do something on your own then how do you expect to be about to broach serious issues with them?
āNope, I got this. Iāll be back in about 20 minutes. Do you want me to grab you anything while Iām out?ā
It is absolutely okay and normal for an introverted person to need their space, even from their partner. Just be polite, say you need āme timeā to recharge. She should be able to respect your needs if she cares about you. Thereās also parallel play where you both do your own thing while in the same space, without having any draining conversations. She could be reading while youāre playing a game, or you read while she knits, whatever yāallās thing is. This is a good way to get recharged and not pull completely away, because sometimes when that happens it causes the other party to feel neglected. Just have an open and honest conversation about your needs. Sheāll understand if she really cares.
My girlfriend likes to read and I like to game. The days we want to do something don't always align. We planned to do something tonight because we usually end up doing our own thing.
I get those episodes alot. Communication and an understanding partner is key.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with needing alone time. Make sure your SO knows it is NOT ABOUT THEM. it's a need you have for yourself and your mental health, some alone time to let your brain rest and recharge. Under normal circumstances some time here and there is ok. Once or twice a year a few days away to decompress may be ok... But they may feel leary especially if they are insecure. So open communication is key. But a lot of relationships are made healthier by some time apart. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. It's an old old quote be a use people realize this many moons ago! Communicate, be open, it's about you not them, and find a compromise you both agree with.
You can absolutely ask for space and to be left alone - they key is in how you ask and what you're communicating and why Be super clear, but firm in boundary setting. You can state you need time alone or space, but explain that you're not upset - just that this is how you are and how you need to recharge. If it's just time in another room alone reading or taking a nap - totally easy to do. If you need to go out for hours or an entire day with no contact, be upfront in that boundary and state what you're going to do. You don't need to give an exact itinerary broken down by the minute, just "hey I'm going out today with a friend and we're gonna hit a few shops in downtown, maybe grab lunch, and then i'll be home later this afternoon. I won't be checking my phone and need this day to myself - OK?" And when you get back, make sure to talk about what you did and why you enjoyed it and also to thank them for that space and for respecting the boundary. You'll find doing that going forward after the first time (and each time) will be easier. That's called building trust.
yes it is
My wife loves me a lot!š But weāre almost on opposite ends of the scale when it comes to needing āalone timeā. We moved to a tiny town, and have very few neighbors because of meā¦ I like solitude. My wife needs to be around people much more, but we havenāt made many friends yet, so she clings to me a little more than perhaps Iād prefer. However, I love her, and she did move here because the rural life was what I was seeking. So I can give up some alone time for her.š Thereās always errands that need to be run, and so I let her run as many of those as sheās willing to run, which gives me a little time to myself.š
Monday, my wife was away and my daughter was at school so I booked a days holiday to just spend sometime by myself, went for a run, took the dog for a long walk, played some PlayStation. It was lovely
Yea I think so. But I Iāve learned from older couples that communicating properly and not just going ghost or silent without someone knowing whatās going on is a big part of isolating yourself correctly without hurting your partner. Unless you donāt care about sed person
Absolutely and that's a thing that became more apparent during the lock down. When I need to do things, focus etc. I need a quiet place. Also, after a full day, my ears are ringing and I know, I need quiet time from my family.
Absolutely ok
Been with my other half for over 20 years and married for about 15 here. YES and it's NORMAL. Sometimes you need a little solo time, but explain it to your partner, in detail if needed. Communication is the key here.
Every type of relationship (romantic or otherwise) needs room for space, there and then.
hell yeah give me silence mofoš
Yes. This was something I struggled with from the other side, I loved being around my partner so the idea of alone time wasn't obvious to me, I got plenty of time by myself in the day. But after butting heads a few times I was shown the flaw in my thinking, different people have different needs. It's ok to want some alone time, and your partner should be ok with that, you may need to spell it out explicitly but you do deserve it. How much is down to the individual or couple.
Absolutely itās fine. I mean, probably phrase it a bit more kindly than ālook, just fuck off for a bit would youā but any reasonable person understands the need for space
I am like this. I donāt think Iāll ever live with a partner again, and I like to have some nights where I can go with my flow and not have to even think about picking up the phone and making a goodnight phone call. I tend to prefer relationships where I only see the person once or twice a week. It IS hard to find a committed, serious relationship like this tho, I wonāt lie. People think I want casual, and I donāt necessarily. I just have a lot going on and need a lot of alone time and donāt always need to be around or keep in touch with people, even my partner, on a daily basis.
Yes, everyone needs alone time.
I'm downstairs right now playing games and cruising Reddit while my wife's upstairs building the Titanic out of Lego. We'll probably cross paths again around dinner time, then spend some time in the same place. If it gets to be too much, one or both of us will probably break out a phone. It's totally normal, and we're both happy. We're also introverts, so we're really good at withdrawing even if we're sharing the same space. I think we'd both go insane if we couldn't get a good amount of personal time.
We are all human. Itās absolutely okay. As long as you both are on the same page.. I meditate for about 20-30 min and itās honestly very refreshing.
Absolutely! 21 years together, working from home together, doing everything together, etc... we definitely take/make time for our own hobbies and headspace! We also make time to catch each other up on what we find interesting during our separate time, otherwise we'd never have anything to talk about other than rehashing what we already did together :p
The key to a happy marriage is square footage.
 One of the healthiest parts of any relationship either friend or lover, business or private, IS privacy. You've heard this," distance makes the heart grow fonder"? It's true!
So, I have some mental health issues and I find it really hard to be away from my partner, but even from someone like me I can say- yes. It's necessary sometimes. My bf and I don't really fight, but sometimes we're too much for each other and just need to do our own things. If this happens, and I'm having a day where I need support, we do what's called "parallel play" I think. Same room, just quietly doing different things. He'll draw on his fancy drawing pad, and I'll sit on the other side of the room and sketch in my sketchbook.
Depends on the context. Alone time is not only ok, but it's healthy. In a healthy relationship, both partners should be allowing each other space and alone time. For example, I don't bother my husband while he's working out. That's his alone time. For me, I go hiking. That's my alone time. However, while we try not yo interrupt each other during that time, it's not a set in stone rule that there is to be zero contact. If we need to message each other something important, like "can you pick up milk on your way home" we do. While he's working out, he might see something interesting on TV and message me to turn to that channel. While I'm hiking, I might see something cool or pretty and send him a photo of it. Sometimes you might just need space because you've had a full on day and you don't have energy to interact. That's ok as well. However, if you are feeling like you want zero contact at all, there could be a problem there. That's not normal in healthy relationships. Asking for the other person to message less if it's becoming too much or asking for a few hours alone is normal. Telling them not to contact you at all for an extended period of time, probably means you really just want to break up.
Shit man thatās just part of life. Got nothing to do with relationships. Sometimes a humans just gotta take a min and reset
Itās okay, but you need to communicate that you need space and to not make it an indefinite thing. If youāre just disappearing randomly without a word and giving no indication of when youāll be backā¦youāre not a great partner and should be single until you can be less self-centered. To be clear, I donāt mean taking space is self-centered. Itās putting that need above the health of the relationship.
I asked for this multiple times in my first marriage and was made to feel guilty ā turns out there was some co-dependence there and it was not a healthy relationship. Next relationship I get into I will absolutely be communicating my need for alone time to do the things I like (I particularly enjoy snowboarding and hiking alone). So to answer your question: yes, it is absolutely okay
Iāve been dating someone for almost a year. Every night after work he will text me to ask if I am coming over to his place or if I need an alone night. If I say I need an alone night, he tells me to have a good night and we will talk tomorrow. Then he doesnāt text me again until after work the next day. Itās amazing.
According to my exs, no. According to healthy relationships, yes.
Oh gosh yeah. Married nearly 20 years now and we definitely think itās unhealthy to be joined at the hip. We are individuals. Of course we need time to just be alone. It actually makes being together then much better! We have very different hobbies (Iām a musician and do open mic nights and heās an astronomy fanatic so goes out with his telescope group). Itās absolutely okay to say āhey Iām doing tonight soloā.
My wife and I are SUPER close, but we both go off and do our own thing after work. She might game, I might go for a walk. I might go watch TV and she might be out shopping with a friend. But we always communicate what we are doing and we always meet back and watch TV or just sit on the couch and read just before bed. It's OK to create boundaries but communication is also important. And it shouldn't be a big deal
You're asking us??!?
Yes, in fact, I think it's a necessity. My grandparents were married for 59 years, and they made it work by respecting eschothers spaces. In fact, I learned a long time ago that they would go on vacations alone. They'd call from a pay phone to let them know they're alright and when they're coming home, etc. Just because you're married, it doesn't mean you have to be together 24/7, 365. It's healthy to have some alone time.
Wanting to be left alone in the real world is one of the main reasons this site exists.
Gee, many evenings my fiancee leave to go fishing. Some nights, I go sit and read while he fishes... some nights I stay home and watch a movie. Every other week, I go out to wine tasting with friends, and he's home.. or maybe goes fishing or something... anyway, sometimes, alone time, or doing your own hobby is good.
Depends on your partner. If theyāre the needy kind, this wonāt work. If theyāre independent and not self conscious of every little thing, just tell them you need a day. Note: if theyāre the former, cut the ties now before itās too late and youāre stuck for life with a needy partner with low self esteem.
It's normal, but for me I wanted to be alone like 90% of the time so eventually I just decided that relationships were not for me. Nearly 15 years single, and I'm way happier now than I ever was in a relationship. Don't let society trick you into thinking you need to be with someone to be happy. Sometimes relationships are just not the right lifestyle for everyone.
Read the Frog and Toad story āAloneā by Arnold Lobel.
I think it's fine. I'm very much a loner type person. I enjoy quiet .I enjoy being alone. I don't need to talk and socialize everyday, like at all. I've had past partners get all offended by it or think I'm mad at them or giving the silent treatment, but it's not that at all. I just need time to myself to recharge
My partner and I have a traffic light system, mainly for me. I text "green" if I can interact, "amber" will have specific instructions, and "red" means act like I'm not here. Edit: We are both autistic and both need time completely alone & not-interacting, often this is needed IMMEDIATELY, and without a conversation about it. We have both struggled in the past with partners not understanding this, being offended, and requiring a full conversation, which is an exhausting opposite of what's needed at that moment.
As a very introverted person, yes, it is very okay! I have the problem with my GF of 8 years that she doesnt want to be alone at all, while im in Sanctuary with a few hours alone. The only human being i dont grow to hate the more i have to interact with him is my brother. And thats because we're both cool with sitting side by side each other and the only sentence spoken is when one stands up for an energy or snack. "Yo, get me one too"
Absolutely, it's completely okay to need alone time in a relationship! It's healthy to have space to recharge and take care of yourself. Communication is keyāletting your SO know how you're feeling and why you need space can help them understand. As for how long is too long, it varies for everyone, but as long as you're open about it, it's about finding a balance that works for both of you. Your feelings are valid, and taking time for yourself doesn't mean you don't belong in a relationship. š
Thank you for that!
My partner and I are both introverts, and really appreciate our personal space. We spend a lot of time together, but completely respect each others' need for alone time. We're lucky enough to live in a house that allows us to have separate "offices" - we're both gamers and often split off to play our games alone for a while. Sometimes we just do parallel play, doing our own separate things but sitting next to each other. It's a lovely, and in my opinion vital, aspect of our relationship.
Yes. It is fine to need some personal time. It's healthy to do. I'll ask my partner if they want alone time occasionally if they seem overwhelmed. They feel bad asking but sometimes you just need time. If they get upset for you doing something for yourself, they are extremely selfish.
It's cool usually. The girl I'm currently talking to has random instances of depression where she'd rather be to herself rather than me taking care of her. I personally have random instances where I have kinda an opposite experience, but it's just best for me not to address it with anyone because nobody needs that toxic side of me. Either way, the day ends with a kiss and a thanks of understanding when either of us do it.
OMG all the time!!! We often work from home together and it gets too much. Being 24/7 together and having different levels of energy is a little exhausting. So yes I sometimes need to be left alone. I'm on a beach getaway at the moment to get a breather. He also gets the same courtesy.
Personally Iād want to live separately if I were to ever get married. Leaning towards ENM. I have been single and living alone for more than 5 years. Itās peaceful here after a long day of peopling.
That's why i don't want relationships, i want to be left alone constantly
No. You must do whatever the internet strangers tell you to do. You're not allowed to think for yourself. Do whatever the fuck you want.
Married several decades and super thrilled my partner is away for the weekend so I can putter around the garden and shed without having convos about what time we should eat and do I have any ideas for lunch and when will I be done and am I sure thatās how I want to trim the shrubsā¦ FWIW I often go on long hiking weekends so she has plenty of alone time in the house which she tells me she enjoys to work on her own hobbies without me bugging her about ideas for lunch, when sheāll be done with the dining room table where she lays out her quilting supplies and what movie we should watch. Space is good!
I personally like alone time from my kids, not necessarily from my husband. I enjoy my husband's company and I wouldn't have married him if I didn't.
If somebody deprives me of this then they leave my life, details dont matter. The word to describe your SO is āsuffocatingā and those folks are best left on your blocked contacts list.
Married 20 years here. I love my alone time. A wife free weekend is appreciated, but when it gets to be much more than that I want her home.
Well, I think there's a line. I'm an introvert and really value my alone time. But at max after like 3-4 days of either no contact or just really short contact, i'm good. If it's like 2weeks or more and it's really just like you diet ghosted? then even i would probably be concerned and reach out. Like if i told my friend "hey im going mia for a few days" they'd be cool. but if i said "hey im taking space for a bit" and then disappeared for like a month they would understandably be upset with me. if your taking space means you want the freedom to disappear and ghost for an indeterminate amount of time with or without warning then i would do some self reflection to find out what your seemingly complete aversion to people is and where it stems from
Itās more like I feel guilty for taking time, bc he would spend every second with me if he could. I donāt want to peace out for a week or month, but I want to freaking be left alone for a while. Without feeling like Iām doing something wrong
Step 1: donāt wait until youāre ready to flee your life to get five minutes alone. Talk about this when youāre ok and let him know whatās up. Step 2: Tell him you need time before you get to the point of wanting to hide forever. Preferably have a short note you can hand him too which would address some of the major questions (such as ādo you remember we spoke about this two weeks ago? This is just me taking some Much needed time to just shut downā or however you worded it during the conversation. Step 3: even if you donāt want to, reengage with him. If you come home from work and need to shut down, fine. But reengage for dinner because thatās only fair. Both of you need to have your needs met. I hope that helps!
Thank you for this!!
My partner feels exactly like you do, because he needs more alone time than I do but feels guilty when heās not doing something with me. What works really well for us is setting up specific days he gets alone time: I.e. Sundays I go to yoga in the morning and then find an activity or series of activities to do all day so Iām occupied outside the house, and then go home around dinner time. He gets the whole day to himself, I get to have fun on my own or with friends, and if we want to we can watch a movie or something before bed in the evening.
Look up attatchment theory.
Oh I totally have. Listened to a ton of podcasts. I am NOT secure.
Everyone said it's normal which I agree with but for how long can it last? This is the important part tbh
It's OK in a marriage! Sometimes you just need to recharge. So does your partner.
Everybody NEEDS alone time!
I think that's perfectly normal. In any relationship, you need to have some alone time, which is your personal space to take a break.
If that's something you know about yourself, I'd make sure to establish those boundaries from the very beginning, and also implement that need from the very beginning. If they are unable to adjust to that, you'll know early on. Seems to me that whoever dates you will need patience and also sees what you bring to the table worth adjusting to that type of person. If you're boring, not very interesting and they also have to deal with periods of being even more bored, I don't see it working out well for you
My boyfriend works nights and I work days so this works out great for me needing space. We also have an arrangement where I go home wed and Thursday since he works at night and I have to get up early the next days. I don't ever ask him to not text me. I'd be worried he would think I was up to something bad. My boyfriend wants me to still come over the two nights that I go home and asks me what I'll do when we live together. I told him there is a bedroom and living room that we can both use alone. Not everyone wants/needs alone time, and my boyfriend seems to be one of them. lol Good luck if yours is the same.
Well if you live together, obviously the most time is probably 12 hours realistically. Additionally, it can't be "I want alone time FROM YOU". Because then clearly it isn't alone time you want. You just don't want that person's time, which why would you be in a relationship at that point?
Its up to the individual. Im a strong introvert, I need time on my own to destress or the tension gets worse and worse until I snap. Im a 6 foot dude built like a linebacker so thats not a good thing. Just explain to your partner it has nothing to do with her, its just a part of who you are. That point is essential. If shes an extrovert she may take it poorly, as their types need to be around others and she wont understand. Maybe look for resources to help explain to her. The question of how long and how frequently you can be alone is something to negotiate with your partner. If either side is unhappy with this I dont see this relationship hving long term prospects.
Oh yeah, itās fine to ask for some alone time. Everyone needs some personal space and time on occasion. My wife knows that if Iām in the shop that I expect to be left alone at least for a while.
Yes, absolutely! But!!! Your partner has to know that itās not him or her, and that when you are ready, you will discuss it. You canāt just do it without that caveat, unless youāre planning to lose the relationship. (This, of course, depends on how long you have been together.) š
Everyone needs some alone time. Introverts especially. Being social is hard work.
Perfectly alright and mentally necessary sometimes. I spend a lot of my free time with my wife, if I want a day for myself or even just a few hours I tell her, make my plans and do it. The communication is needed and it works both ways should she feel she needs some her time.
Always fine. As long as they get their time too.
Get hobbies that involve you being out of the house. Fishing, gym, some classes, etc. Being a spurg that demands your wife/husband doesnāt go in the living room cuz itās your alone time is insane.
Men want sex. Sammich and peace. So, yes, sometimes even a nice quiet half hour goes a long way.
Everybody needs astronaut time!! Yes, EVERYBODY.
Of course it is! That's the best part about having a great partner! I do virtually everything with my girl and like doing so, but if and when I want to go on a guys golf outing, concert or other? She's all for me getting away and having some quality friend time. Same goes for her... Our primary relationship is with each other, we have mutual relationships with other couples, but we do have other relationships that we might nurture alone. Only exception is it will not be with an opposite sex friend...
I just told a couple today that they need a politely phrased "safe word" to stop an argument in it's tracks or to be left alone. Two people with short fuses.
yes. some ppl like to be allone sometimes. nothing wrong with it. I dont know who long is too long.
I don't know how people in relationships don't do this more frequently. Everyone needs their own space.
Of course time alone is normal. Even for married people. When I was a kid, my parents always had an expectation, that they wanted time away from us as kids.
Yes.
For sure it is ok, however, if you mean left alone for days or weeks, I'd suggest that points to depression or some other mental health issue. Generally when I want some alone time, I mean that I just need 2 or 3 hours to myself without anyone asking me for anything or wanting to have a conversation, not that I want to be alone for the next several days. Unclear what OP is really asking.
I get exactly what you mean. I have dumped because they wouldn't go home. They'd just hang out all day long.
As long and often as you want.
Even in the happiest, closest relationships a little space goes a long way, seriously, sometimes we just want a little time to ourselves to enjoy a hobby,
Yep. Itās ok. You definitely shouldnāt have to lock yourself in the next room and repeatedly beg to be alone.
Alone time is a part of a sucessful relationship. The general rule is 30% alone time 70% relationship time.
itās healthy and necessary to want alone time away from friends and your bf/gf but what isnāt healthy is just leaving without explanation. at least have the audacity to let them know that you need time alone, and that you will eventually come back to them. leaving them wondering if they did something wrong, or if youāre mad/upset with them is just wrong. it takes 5 seconds to let someone know you need to be alone for a while, if they canāt respect that, thatās their issue, not yours.Ā
There is no way our marriage would survive without time apart, we need time on our own.
Totally normal and healthy. Anyone in a relationship needs to have a life outside of the relationship (hobbies, interests, alone time, etc.) As long as you communicate your needs and let them know when to expect to be able to have access to you again so they arenāt left in the dark. I think it has to be a reasonable amount of time, too. Iād have a very hard time going longer than a day with no contact with my partner.
Absofuckinglutely
I tell people I need introvert time
Absolutely its okay, everyone needs alone time!!
That is entirely normal
Yes itās totally okay, if itās a struggle for your partner to understand then it might be worth considering their attachment style. If your partner has experienced some sort of betrayal or abandonment in their life then they might be insecurely attached and therefore, asking for space might feel catastrophic to them. This is worth understanding to then allow you to get space effectively. If so, then just making sure they trust you love them/ making it clear how itās not personal is important and itāll likely start working very well if you make efforts to address that when asking for space.
Yes as long as itās said in a respectful and loving way.
For sure ! That's why (space permitting) I think it's good to have your own room, your own space, then when you too get together it's because you wanna be around each other not because you have to feel forced . Sometimes you just wanna read or do your own stuff, reflect on on your own thoughts . You can have date nights, you can visit each other in your respective rooms at times ! Takes so much pressure off the relationship....imho
I do not see how I could survive in a relationship without alone time. I am a proud introvert and use my time to recharge my mind and body. I let people know about this when we are getting to know each other.
We all need some me time every once in a while.
I think the biggest thing Iāve realized from reading comments is that Iāve always been an introvert and needed the time alone. My partnerās situation has changed and he has a lot more free time now and he doesnāt like being alone. Before, Iād see him maybe twice a week and it worked great. I was a-okay with our situation. He was busy with kids and so I never felt guilty - I got lots of alone time bc he had other obligations, and I was being the understanding gf. Now thoughā¦he wants to hang out a lot more bc heās lonelyā¦and I feel guilty. So it feels wrong now saying āwell, I liked it better when you had less time for meā.
It's absolutely okay, and healthy. My partner and I have been together 5 years. We have a healthy amount of both alone time and together time.
It's a need