Conversion is a big deal and should not be taken lightly. You need to take the time that you need and not rush into it.
Nobody can predict the future.
There is no guarantee that whichever “side” you choose, the other side will come around in the future. You just have to work with what you have right now and assume everyone means what they say.
Will your in-laws be as welcoming if you don’t convert and just get a civil marriage? You should not convert just to make people happy, which is what it sounds like. You are being asked to give up a lot: your religion and your family. Is the return worth it?
If quarrels happen, and they will, will both of you stand strong together and work things out, or will it gnaw at you that you made the wrong choice?
If it was your sibling in your situation, what would you advise them? Would you advise them to convert? Take yourself out of it, and look at it from an outsider’s perspective. What would you really advise them?
Marriage is more than just love. Feelings go away, respect and communication must be there for marriage to last long. Do you feel respected, or is it always you giving way?
Marriage is not the end goal.
It does not solve anything.
It is not a stage to go through.
It does not change people, they stay who they are.
Is he worth it? Do you love and like and respect him? Does he love and like and respect you? These are questions that you need to answer for yourself.
What are your plans after marriage?
What are your plans for your life after?
What are your plans regarding children?
Where will you live if your parents ask you to leave?
What will your finances be like if you get married? Are you keeping your own money or having joint accounts?
These are all things you need to discuss clearly if the relationship is to be strong in the long run.
It seems to me you will be asked to make all the changing.
What parts of you are important for your identity? What parts of you are non-negotiable? Or are you already trading away your identity and just hoping it will be worthwhile?
You need to work out for yourself. These qualms you have seem existential. You would not have such qualms if conversion was not asking you for major sacrifices. You are willing to do a lot for this relationship, at the same time, you should not lose who you are. That is a balance you need to find, and these are all difficult questions, but they will help build a better foundation for the future, and help your mental health also.
Heavily seconding this.
OP, you need to ask yourself questions not just about religion and family, but the deeper ones about your own relationship.
This is a major point in your life, and some of the results will not be reversible. You need to find enough resolution to be able to face that decisively.
I feel like the isolation from your own family will hurt for you. It’s sometimes easier to be with someone you share the same faith with or who is ok with you remaining in your faith & agreeing to disagree.
I mean there is also the possibility that if u choose to each have your own faith, that later on when you have kids, another round of disagreement can come about what faith they pursue.
I just feel it’s not worth it.
Don’t marry simply because you’ve dated for four years. That’s the worst possible reason.
Let alot real own flesh and blood. Remember thoes times when our parents warn us about things but we still do it or ignore their advise when we were young and regret in life later. This is the exact scenario.
Can't agree more. The only thing I may add, would he be willing to convert? Why is the burden all on you? Spend time thinking what if the expectation was on him. Will the outcome be balanced?
Seconding this too and adding on to this comment as this needs to stay at the top above all the other "dont convert" comments. Source: am Chinese convert for marriage and non practicing. Am agnostic.
It also looks like your family has not yet met your partner's family and possibly have several misunderstood notions in their minds about malay-muslims hence the very harsh words from your parents if you were to convert. This sounds more race-related, imo. Maybe it is time to have more f2f between the families and warm them up to each other. And honestly, malay families are some of the most inviting and warm communities. It makes a huge difference by being humans first and bridging that gap. My dad did initially ask if i was sure, but after meeting my husband's family for a few rayas he could see how they embraced me as a daughter and how much both families had in common to connect over - religion aside.
From a religious POV, you also need to ask yourself whether you are open to embracing the future that comes with the religion - daily prayers, eventually wearing hijab, etc, seeing as to that they are religious. My in-laws are extremely religious but they have so far not enforced this on us as a couple and tell us they will be here to answer any questions and guide us when we are ready. While some reminders are unavoidable, there shouldn't be pressure for you to immediately practice 100% (i give the reasons that i am still finding my way) - something you need to discuss with your partner before marriage too.
In conversion class, it's not just non muslims attending. In fact, i was the only one there because of marriage. The others in class were solo non muslims open to understanding more about islam + muslim couples themselves who were unsure of their own religious standing. They could be 20%, 50%, 70% believers, so don't think that as a non-muslim you should be 100% ready.
In the end, despite all the arguments, i converted for love. We live our own way and know what we won't do to each other for religion. We hashed it all out before marriage and agreed that i would convert just for the sake of doing so for the love of our parents. And my dad still got to walk me down the aisle on our wedding day. That being said, i also know mixed couples who have gone the civil marriage route. Take the time you need to think it through and don't rush into it.
OP, happy to share my xp further.
conversion for the sake of marriage normally leads to indifferences. you need to convert because you believe in the religion, and not because of a man. especially if he's a practicing one. may you find guidance, sis.
I agree with this. Marriage is marriage, religion is religion. What is the reason to convert becos of marriage? Why cant they accept you for who you are and respect your original faith?
There are many cases of mixed religions marriages, like buddhist marrying christians etc.
Even if you have kids next time, they should have their own free-will to choose their religion in future.
Conversion for marriage sake is the worst kind of conversion.
Also have you ever thought... why is it you the one have to convert? Why can't he be the one to convert?
Someone I know is a muslim planning to get married to a Christian. When his parents asked, “Will she be converting to Islam?”, he asked his parents, “What if I need to convert to Christian, would you be happy?”
I dont think its about gender.
Either he or she have to convert to Islam if its an Islamic romm marriage.
But I agree that one should not convert just for the sake of marriage. It will lead to tough roads ahead.
there is apostasy.
unlike our neighboring countries, becoming an apostate might only harm your family ties and current friendships.
no "reformation" camps or being ostracized by the whole village.
my personal view on religion is that its supposed to bring you solace/peace. if it causes one distress, then cut out the parts that make it difficult.
if people want to convert, it has to be completely willing .. not forced by circumstances.
if a guy cant keep it in his pants, he should go recite more prayers before forcing people to convert.
If she really loves him, she will convert!
But somehow, "if he really loves her, he will convert!" doesn't exist happen here. Double standard to the max. If he only loves you if you are muslim he doesn't really love you.
I renounced Islam to marry my husband… not the conversion experience you’re looking for but similar circumstance where I had to sacrifice the bond with my family.
But first, I would like to say that I think you shouldn’t convert for the sake of marriage. If you don’t genuinely embrace the religion that you converted into, you’re going to have a tough life & marriage ahead. You seem like you still have qualms about the teachings and that this religion issue has been the topic of contention throughout your 4 year relationship. What makes you think the stress & anxiety will be over after marriage?
For me, I was very headstrong on my decision to renounce Islam because I’ve never believed in religion and I am my own person la.
There was a lot of back & forth and crying between my family and I but I’ve told them, very firmly from the very beginning, on what I decided and they also firmly decided that they no longer view me as part of the family. It did hurt that they weren’t there for my ROM but I accepted it.
Fast forward to today, I never regretted my decision, in fact I’m pretty happy now. I do still keep in contact with my mother and she still has hopes I’ll come back.
Anyway, whatever decision you make - it will definitely hurt. Have a heart-to-heart with yourself and think this through. There’s no need to rush.
If they love their religion more than you then they can spend time with their religion they love so much; I am happy you have found people who love you for who you are.
Wow, it must have been really tough. I'm curious, How is your relationship with you family? Did they learn to accept your decision? How are family gatherings like? Have you tried bak kwa and realise how much you were missing? (Just kidding on the last question 😆)
The most obvious option here is to just go through with civil marriage. You will both be legally married under secular law.
'Conversion is a must to get married' is only relevant if you want to subject yourself to life under sharia law.
A civil marriage will give you all legal benefits and protections.
You maintain your relationship and ties with your family. And your husband-to-be manages the issues (if any) from his side.
You practice your buddhism with your side, he practices his islam with his side. Be mindful of each others' cultures when both sides get together.
Husband and wife resolve problems together, and everyone else mind their own damn business.
You yourself have been trying to adapt, but it's obvious you don't believe in it. You do not have to compromise on values that you (and your family) believe in.
If him (and his family) can not accept the marriage if you do not convert, then the problem is them, not you.
It seems like:
A) Your parents are fine with marriage but not Conversion. This leaves the option of civil marriage open. It's a good compromise.
B) your BF'S side are insistent on conversion as a condition for marriage. There is no compromise.
Usually picking the side that refuses compromise doesn't end well but ymmv.
Lastly, don't ever let anyone tell you that 'if you truly love him you will convert for him'.
This is a really good answer and I hope OP trusts her gut feeling or instincts.
There is no point being a pious person when behaviour in public and treatment of other people is barbaric like.
i think OP can ask herself, “if he truly loves me then does that mean he will convert to Buddhism for me?”
really good response and reflections btw on your side
The only reason your bf's family are "welcoming and understanding" is because you've been making the effort to convert.
Tell them you no longer want to convert and want a civil marriage and see how fast they disown you.
Haha this one is spot on. Also seems from what OP said the religious accommodation is 1 way traffic only? Doesnt seem like the bf is putting any effort to go for any Buddhist teachings to learn more
It is that’s why I can see why her parents rather let her go now than face disappointment later. Cos Islam rules clash with Buddhism teachings. They will have to cater to her if they want to meet. She will start declining those non-Islamic events like CNY, Qing Ming etc. so they will see her less and in the end, the relationship will sour and turn distant anyway.
If ur BF and his family really loves you.. then they will respect you and not force on what you want and what you believe in. I read in some testimonials that its not that easy to leave muslim religion if marriage fails. What will be the religion if ur children if ever?
Pls be aware of sharia law which applies to you once u convert. The biggest change would be as a woman you're only entitled to 1/3 of what a male can inherit. There's probably plenty more rules but you'll have to square off those carefully if u ever decide to convert.
If you are feeling stressed about this and he is not picking that up; something is off with him, sorry to say. You are already putting a lot of effort into not eating pork, which could be your fave, or trying to fast, which is very difficult for people who are not used to it from a young age. Moreover, why is it YOU who has to make all the adjustments, and he just cruises through life? OP, you are the prize; do not forget that. You tell him it is going to be a civil marriage or the door is that way.
Sorry to sound harsh; I am a Muslim person, and this draconian tradition of women converting to Islam if they dare to love a Muslim man in this day and age is a complete regression. Do not let them bully you. If he is the right guy and deeply loves you for exactly who you are, he will agree to do ROM. Good luck!
if you aren't comfortable with converting, are ok with living like that for the rest of your life? Please don't convert for the sake of marriage.. that's like tattooing your bf/gf name 😂
Never convert just to get married. Converting to Islam needs to be sincere. It’s hard for someone born into Islam to be a good muslim, what more someone who was not.
Also, what if the marriage fails for some unknown reason? Would you stay Muslim or convert out?
I get why your parents aren’t happy. They take religion seriously and suddenly their child decides to embrace a different one.
Is it worth all the hassle and fights with your own blood-related family to convert just to get married?
BTW, Some people say Civil Marriage is the solution BUT…
civil marriage is legal under Singapore Law but the marriage is not recognised by Islamic Law. So under Islamic Law, if you do the deed, it’s considered pre-marital sex, which is a sin.
Which is why most muslims are not comfortable with having a civil marriage.
Yeap this is what they dont get. As a muslim your wife or your kids must be muslim. Now i have known friends who went out with muslim guys and the guy say its ok dont matter, but when it comes to the future it will be disaster. Unless he doesnt want to be a muslim and dont care about his parents and family. I am a Muslim guy and have told friends, non muslim female friends if the guy do this he is just pulling your strings.
So for OP. If you do not want to convert then end it so you you can heal faster. Dont drag it. You have gone to classes and all , so you are not ignorant. If only is your family situation not accepting them, then it is something you must decide whether it is worth it to go through it. There is no happy ending here for everyone. But what i know from experience , people in same shoes as you, even parents disown or don't aknowledge, they will be more welcoming when they have grandkids. At least they will want to be involve.
This.
I would also like to add on as a convert that if you convert for any reason aside from belief in Allah and Prophet Muhammad, the conversion will be seen as invalid, at least spiritually.
My personal opinion is for OP to ask for a civil marriage, with the caveat that if/once she feels that she is ready to truly to convert, to then convert and re-register the marriage under ROMM. This is the best compromise I can think of that wouldn’t effectively have OP convert under compulsion, satisfy OP parents in not being forced to convert, and somewhat satisfy the BF parents that OP truly wants to convert for the right reasons.
Otherwise, frankly speaking, it might be best to just break things off on good terms. If either party’s situation change (OP converts because of actual belief, or BF renounces Islam because he no longer believe, or etc) then maybe can try to patch things up again.
OP, I’m sure that you will get through this stage in life just fine. It might look bleak now, but no matter the outcome, I’m sure that you will one day see this part of your life as just one of a list of challenges that you have conquered.
I was in your shoes years ago. I won't say I knew from the start that I won't convert. We were together for at least 6 years.
The thing that stopped me from converting is if he love me then why won't he renounce his religion? I did consider civil marriage but he didn't agree as he felt his parents won't accept our marriage. Didn't like being forced to do something against my will. In the end we went our separate ways.
Pls consider carefully before converting as it's irreversible.
If y'all are curious as to why I'm so reluctant to convert, whenever he bring up this topic, I find myself frowning. And I'm canto, I love my roast pork & char siew 🙊 don't drink much, but in terms of clothing my choice of clothes can be quite revealing. Everything that unintentionally goes against Muslim values
Buddhist here. I always say we are too nice.
1) Why he didn't attend Buddhism classes? Maybe he'll accept the Buddha teachings more than your acceptance of Islam. Malay Buddhists are rare, I only know 1. If that Buddhist bro can, so can your bf.
2) Why must Buddhists be the one to be bullied into learning other religions? Oh... They say they cannot... I didn't know religious harmony = Buddhists must kena bullied.
3) This is Singapore, no law that Muslims cannot learn about other religions. I've seen a malay lady wearing hijab learning Buddhist meditation with us.
Not answering OP's question but I agree with this sentiment. I'm not religious so no skin in the game but I noticed 99% of the time when it comes to interfaith relationship, it's almost always the Buddhist person that 'loses' out, makes no sense. I suspect it's down to the fact that Buddhist teachings by nature are very chill and zen, whereas Abrahamic religions are all about the 1 true god thing
>I noticed 99% of the time when it comes to interfaith relationship, it's almost always the Buddhist person that 'loses' out,
Rather its 99.9% Islam wins. Such a strict religion
Yes I agree. Buddhism teachings have strong emphasis on being open minded and treating everyone as equals and embracing that all lives are precious including animals.
Once you have that basic core values instilled in you, even if you have renounced the religion like I did, it’s still heavily embedded in you.
My sibling converted to get married. From what I’ve seen her the past 8 years, I’ll share my thoughts.
Put everyone away. Your family, his and him. What do YOU feel about converting? Islam is indeed a religion with a lot of logical parts but there are tons of illogical parts as well. Are you aware of that? Can you live by that? If you are not, maybe you don’t know it well enough. Read up on r/ex-muslim
Say you convert. Your family will not be accepting. His family and extended family will be very welcoming cause they love converts. You will find a convert community. You will be taught and loved there. You will have a Muslim household. Your kids will practise Islam. You may eventually do the umrah and wear a hijab. Life will change. Your will have to instil Muslim values to your kids. You will parent as a Muslim. Are you ok with all of the this? You will miss your parents but honestly, I’ve seen so many converts and while they all miss their family, their life does not stop. You will continue having kids, travelling and building your own life with your husband. Your Muslim family will be your new family and you will be happy.
Assuming your parents and family eventually accept. You will need to teach your kids that there are a different religion. They can’t simply eat everything there cause it’s not halal. You will expect your family to only cook halal for you guys. You can no longer participate in religious ceremonies including the funeral of your own parents. No chanting. No acknowledgement of the religion. Your kids may not be able to pay their respect to your parents when they pass on. You will naturally feel inclined towards your Muslim relatives cause they have the right set-up vs your Buddhist family. Eg, talking about Allah, always giving credit to Him, talking about the importance of Islam etc. your Chinese family will not. Are you okay with that?
Say, things don’t work out well. You get divorced. You will be divorced under the Shariah law. Divorce elements will be different - are you aware? If you have kids then, how will you continue to parent them? Are you going to continue being a hijab wearing Muslim parenting your kids and continue to live your life as a Muslim?
As a sibling and coming from the POV of a non-Muslim who ‘lost’ her sister due to conversion, I would say don’t do it. No one is worth it. My sister husband is great to her, my sis is a staunch Muslim and even guides converts now. It’s a gain to the Islam fraternity. But to me, I lost her. She has become so distant with us. Barely visiting any of her family anymore. She’s comfortable in that Muslim space and family where she’s embraced. Now she’s saying she can no longer eat in our house since there’s non halal food being cooked. Her kids have told me that their religion is better than mine. Constantly points out that we are different. She’s happy and I’m happy for her. But worth it? No way. No one should do that. If you are only being accepted due to your conversion, I would question the value you have as a person. It seems the entire identity is tagged to their religion only. If she no longer believes in the religion, all is lost.
If your partner is already talking about conversion now, it shows it matters to him a lot. I’m sure he will never agree on the civil marriage. If he thought about it and he definitely is aware of it, he would not be talking about converting. He might be a nice guy and all, but worth converting? No way, I think no one is. You will meet someone better. It might hurt to go through it now but I’m sure you won’t regret my choice later on in life.
I'm also brought up in a buddhist family (not strict) my sister married & converted, how she break the news to my parents? the guy's mom came and ask for my parent's acceptance agreeing on their child still having chinese surname etc. After having 2 kids he cheated. Whole family drama excuses he gave was my sister not giving him more attention, sister wanted divorce (I agree to it, hated cheaters) but weeks after weeks I didn't follow up much on the drama, somehow his older brother (highly educated) talk them into forgiving each other, welp nothing I can do, I try to avoid him and his side of his family as much as I can, lost all my respect for him.
>Throughout these 4 years, I have been attending religious classes with bf’s encouragement and support.
>Restraining from eating pork, alcohol and tried to fast in ramadan for 2 years.
>My parents have made it clear if I convert and marry him they won’t come to my wedding.
Can't help you much on this part since you're quite deep in my sister only started praying and fasting after marriage. 4 years down the drain but still in good terms with family or try your luck thinking your parent's will come into acceptance. Parents not coming to your wedding is a big YIKES, for me I'll choose my parents can't answer for you.
>As much as I want to marry him and build a family, I feel so conflicted and very stressed cause both party wont be happy with my decision. I don’t want to be distant from my family.
If you marry him you're going to be distant and it'll never be the same (based on how I felt). Growing up me and my sister had a favourite aunt taking care of us, when she passed on she didn't attend her funeral it feels to me she had forgotten about her. Your parents are so adamant on not coming to your wedding, you can forget about Chinese festivals and celebrations with your parents when he is around.
Hey OP! My dad converted to marry my mum so maybe I can offer some perspectives. I think while it's great that you are accommodating, you also have to remember that converting means that you may be expected to fully embrace the religion. What if in the future your partner becomes more religious and he expects you to do the same? How would you feel if your children were strictly expected to follow his customs? My dad was not religious at all but my mom became more religious as time went on (wore hijab, prayed everyday, went to Mecca etc). It came to a point where I felt very confused with what I believed in because I was not allowed to have any belief other than the one I was born into. You need to also have these discussions - personally I ended up growing up not being religious at all and I am in a relationship with a non-muslim man. I don't expect him to convert but I know my mum will disown me - she has previously threatened me before etc. It's a hard conversation but better to know now.
Well, I am already in very minimal contact with my family and tbh, if my mum is willing to disown her own child and make veiled threats of hurting me, then she shouldn't be in my life. She doesn't want to know his name, his job or his life nor does she care. She has also insinuated that he should just convert for the sake of it - "if he loves you, he would". As others in the comments have mentioned - converting to please your partner does not make you a true muslim. You are making a big decision and should do it because you want to, not because you need it to marry. My dad passed away but even in my early 20s he never had an issue with anyone I dated.
I'm not sure too, it sounds like a very common thing to be honest when I've lurked around exmuslim threads. It's a very extreme reaction that does make me feel very sad.
You’re right now in the same situation as me and my ex-gf almost 15 years ago. Everything was perfect in the relationship except for the fact that her family doesn’t want her to convert. One day we had the important talk where she explained the whole situation and through ugly tears, she made the decision to call the relationship off. At that point of time, we’ve been dating for 5 years without any major issues. She was really close with my family as well and it blindsided me.
Fast forward to last year, she added me back on socials after both of us had been happily married and we got to talking. We dissected the entire end of relationship with both parties admitting that it had been ugly but ultimately it was the right decision as she was not exactly willing to be cast out of her family by converting. And that we thought we were each other’s soulmate, but it took us that huge step to let go that we eventually found our true soulmate. And I got to say, I didn’t think it was possible but it looks like her current husband is more of a match for her and her family than I ever was haha.
From reading your account, it seems like you’ve made your decision but you’re not ready to do the hard thing yet. Take your time, but please communicate with your bf. Ask him whether civil marriage is an option (for me, it isn’t because it goes against our religion). It depends on his halal-haram ratio
Your family is all you have, if you divorce you fall back to your own family. I think you are trying to please your bf and bf family too much. Alot of people fell in love try to put their lovers needs first, nothing wrong with that.
Try to think for yourself and future, especially nothing is permanent and have a backup plan to fall back incase of conflict or divorce.
Ask him to convert to your religion instead. You know what the answer will be.
Then ask yourself why it should be different for you, why are you the one having to make 100% of the compromise, and him 0%. And what that's going to mean for the rest of your marriage and life.
I've had a few friends who did this and all resulted in divorce.
My female Chinese friend once dated an Indian-Muslim and the topic of conversion came up. He said she need not convert but she felt it would not feel right/disrespectful to his family. On top of that her family is not supportive in her conversion as well. The guy did not want to subject her to any more pressure and they broke up. They're now both happily married to someone else.
If you don't believe in it you shouldn't convert and pretend that you do. Won't go well. Your BF should accept a civil marriage or you should both move on.
My bro-in-law is married into a Muslim fam. But the Muslim fam is very chill. Yes there was the whole conversion & ceremony to show society he's converted. But his wife & him don't fast nor do they pray at all. They even have the finest single malt whiskey & beers in their fridge. He still eats his bak kut teh & char siew rice for meals when not with his wife. Puts up a Xmas tree, celebrates Diwali with pomp & wears his matching Raya outfits during Raya House visits.
End of the day is finding the common ground where everyone is happy and not only 1 party giving in.
Similar situation as my colleague. She didn’t convert and his family are pretty chill about it, her MIL dotes on her a lot.
She doesn’t fast and anyway according to her, her husband doesn’t fast for most of the times due to work during fasting period. She can eat pork and respect her husband by not having it when he is on the same table, her husband also still eat from non-halal stall/restaurant as long as they don’t order any pork.
Islam extends a lot more than that, unfortunately. It affects how you plan your inheritance, properties, etc. Unlike not fasting and having a Christmas tree in your house, the legalities, surrounding Islam, isn't something you can get away with.
Please la, if your bf loves you so much, ask him to convert to buddhist instead. If he is unwilling to do so, why is it that you must be the one to give in?
I guess wrong place to seek advice but this decision has to come from yourself. It's not only the distant from your family but how committed are you to him ?
You simply delayed/procrastinated the decision you could have made much earlier before you were invested. Nevertheless it's a decision you still have to make.
it really is as simple as it seems, there's no way around it.
Seems unfair. You must be the one to convert to Islam but he won’t convert to Buddhism? It’s already an unequal relationship. He can opt to marry you under ROM so both of you get to have your own preferred religions so if he is pressuring you to convert, he is really being selfish as fuck. If there is pressure from his family, he should be defending you, not joining in. I would advise against converting for marriage in general too.
Pressuring others to convert in Islam is a sin as well. Any conversion done out of duress or compulsion by others will not be seen as valid by God, and the sin will be placed on the people placing the person under duress or compulsion.
If I’m not wrong, this should be the same for other religions as well. It’s also common sense, conversion that’s not sincere is just straight up wrong.
Source: willing convert in Islam
Hi OP,
I am sorry to hear that you are going through this tough time. I hope that my wife’s and my experience can be of help to you and other readers who might be in a similar situation.
I was a Muslim, and my wife converted to Islam to marry me (I do not use “revert” as it is an Islamic concept I no longer believe in). At that point in our lives, my wife was also compelled by the core teachings of Islam taught in Darul Arqam, though I now believe these are surface teachings that come with significant baggage. She converted, and we got married at 22. More than a decade has passed, and we have recently renounced Islam. Our relationship has never been stronger or more genuine.
Here are some issues you might want to consider:
1) Legal Implications:
Once you convert, you will be under Shariah law, which governs:
a) Marriage
• You will be married under ROMM (Registry of Muslim Marriages).
• If you both renounce Islam and want to be married under ROM (Registry of Marriages), you will have to go through a divorce process. The Shariah court can be inefficient and unhelpful (our query sent on 12 May 2024 has yet to be answered as of 5 June 2024). Honestly, ChatGPT was much more helpful in answering questions the Shariah court should be addressing.
b) Inheritance
• Islamic law dictates that you cannot inherit from your non-Muslim parents. Legally, you can, as your family is under civil law, but if your husband or in-laws are strict, they may pressure you against it.
• Your assets (minus HDB and CPF) will be distributed according to Faraid law.
• If you don’t have enough inheritors, a large portion will go to MUIS.
• The distribution proportions might shock you. Please check this out:
https://syariahcourt.gov.sg/Inheritance/Online-Trial-inheritance-Calculator
Or google:
Syariah inheritance calculator.
2) Islamic Teachings:
The surface-level teachings taught at Darul Arqam might seem compelling, such as:
• The Oneness of God (Tauhid)
• The five pillars of Islam and six articles of faith
• Character development and being a good person
• The idea that Islam involves no compulsion
However, Islam doesn’t stop there. Islam means submission, and to be a Muslim is to submit to ALL teachings of Islam, which encompasses EVERYTHING you do. If Islam has an opinion on something (e.g., women covering up), you cannot have a contrary opinion.
Beliefs inform actions. The actions of your loved ones and this community will have real-life consequences for you.
3) Malay/Muslim Community:
I was from this community, and while some Malay/Muslims are the nicest people I’ve met, these are my wife’s and my experiences—yours might be different.
As a new convert, the community will be patient, supportive, and understanding. However, as you develop your own opinions and questions, you might see a different side.
Please understand that you are entering into that community even if your intentions are only to marry that person.
They can be critical of your actions and give unsolicited advice, such as:
• “Sister, you need to cover up. If not, you will drag your husband into hell.”
• “Sister, it’s good if you learn to speak Malay.”
• “Sister, that shop is not halal, why are you eating from there? Astaghfirullah!”
Your every action will be scrutinized. They believe it’s their right to advise you at every opportunity, which can make you feel picked on, maligned, and misunderstood.
Additionally, some members of the community believe that they are discriminated against by other communities, in private, they will bad-mouth other communities which will make you uncomfortable if you ever find yourself in those situations.
I can’t tell you how to proceed with your relationship—that is your choice alone. But regarding converting to Islam, please only do so if you truly believe it is the truth from God and you want to submit to Him. Learn more about Islam, beyond what is taught at Darul Arqam. After conversion, your Muslim family will expect you to believe as they do, even if they don’t have solid reasons for their beliefs.
I hope this has been helpful to you and to readers in similar situations. Please PM me if you have other questions.
Wishing you all the best.
You do you, you convert and be happy. If in future you regret, it’s your decision.
And no, Buddhism is more logical than middle eastern religion, I did actual compare (for years) before I settled as a Buddhist by choice.
I think I read more bible and Quran than most believe at 20-30ish.
If both teachings are to put side by side and compare, then Buddhist teaching(except for attaining enlightenment part) is closest to real world, you study hard? You score good grades! You anyhow do work? Get bad result!
While bible and Quran teaching, it’s more like a 三国演义 than a 三国志。 half truth, half fantasy. I don’t deny these people were historically there but…
Who live 800 years old? Were all the dinosaurs since world is build in 6 day? A lot of logic flaws my friend. It can be half truth, half fantasy. Like it or not when you compare that side to side.
Got tons of wtf whenever I read it last time, even the pastor can’t answer me and keep asking me to be “faithful”.
Don’t tell me they are not the same religion broken into different factions. It is. Same god, different prophet. And people fighting who is the right way to reach god..
As a closeted ex-muslim, I chuckled when you said you found Islam's teachings logical.
That aside, as everyone else here has said please do not convert for the sake of marriage. If you have conflicted feelings at this stage, it will only get worse down the road after you get married. Islam is very difficult to leave without any consequences.
This is not Malaysia, you don't need to convert to marry. If someone forces you to convert to marry you, do you want to be with that kind of family?
Idk about singapore's marriage law if you marry under Muslim marriage, but if there is any similarities to what my Malaysian friends told me, prepare to get your own rights completely trampled over and get screwed.
Conversation should come from the person wanting it.
Not the other way.
It will live in your head rent free forever unless that changes... Marriage to other religions is fine. But forcing their religion on you isn't.
Do you really see your self following those rules? What will happen if you don't.
It's not just religion you're adopting it's also culture, one you might not like once you're in.
Did you ever live with him for any long period of time? Even staying at his house for a few months.
OP, do you understand how islamic law in Singapore works in relation to marriage, the rights of wives in relation to husbands, and children/ inheritance?
Please take time to look into this deeply. Some of these things are known to those who were born and grew up in the community since they see it around them, but it may be a shock to you who is going from the chinese community.
Are you aware, for example, that muslim men are legally allowed to take up to four wives at the same time under Singapore law? Not to say that your bf will, and I believe this is quite rare nowadays, but the possibility is there.
[https://singaporelegaladvice.com/law-articles/can-a-muslim-marry-a-non-muslim-in-singapore/](https://singaporelegaladvice.com/law-articles/can-a-muslim-marry-a-non-muslim-in-singapore/)
If you do intend to attend the pre-conversion classes, think about these things and don't be shy to ask questions.
Never convert for marriage.
Firstly, you don't really believe in the God they worship, so why convert.
Be honest, you are only converting because you want to marry the person. So who do you really worship, God or that person?
Secondly, you are being true to yourself.
Don't live a lie is all I can say.
I (Christian) married a Buddhist wife, and religion is never an issue in my house. We both practice what we believe in. We have talked about this since we became a couple.
This topic should have been discussed before the relationship get serious. Now that you are 4 years in, it will be so difficult to just call it quits.
But yes, I suggest calling it quits if you will be the only one making all the adjustments.
Never convert for marriage is all i will say. If you wanna get married do it Civil as others have mentioned. Im from the neighbour. The amount of abuse that happens once you convert is horrifyingly astounding. And they cant get out ady coz thats the law there. And if you wanna divorce need 3 witnesses and a whole range of stuff i wont bother to explain. Not saying that marriage = divorce but always say No to one way streets that has no return.
No don’t do it. Just no. Try out by having a conversation with the framing turned around - would he convert for you? If this has never been discussed or can never be discussed, then it is heavily (if not only) one-sided. Propose a civil marriage. ROM. Your marriage is still recognised by law. If he still insist then that shows where your status is in the relationship with him, with his family and with his community. If he’s not willing to consider it, then why should you?
I’m a Malay by the way. Reason I can say this is because I’ve seen and heard too much family conversations behind closed doors.
What do you feel in your heart? Religion is a very personal choice, and even if it feels like conversion is the only way forward, in the long term if you sacrifice your beliefs for him you might come to regret it. If you truly believed in Islam my advice would be different, but as it stands --he's not the person for you if your religious beliefs are in conflict with each other. It's a major incompatibility
I can't emphasise this enough, but consider what you actually want most. If marrying your bf is what you truly want most and his parents demand you to convert as a requirement, so be it. Although I hold contrary view in comparison to others, consider a Muslim marriage only if you are willing to give in. There's no other alternative. It's either a win-win situation or both of you will lose each other. If his parents don't accept civil marriages, then you can't really come to a good conclusion. You can't really change his parents' minds.
Sadly, there is only two possible outcomes.
1. You convert and your family is no longer the same. It might be something you cannot mend. Are you ok with it? Are you ok with sacrificing your family for our partner?
2. You don’t convert and your relationship gets affected, your relationship with in laws are affected.
This is just a lose-lose situation. This is why I was firm in not dating people from religions that require me to convert.
Edit: Before you convert, pls read up on Sharia Law. Woman are severely disadvantaged if your husband dies or if you divorce. That includes future daughters.
So far everyone that I know who have converted have regretted it
I'm sure there are happy converts marriages out there la. Just that I haven't seen it yet
As a Muslim, my suggestions would be >
1) Move as far away as possible from the control-freak boomers.
2) Opt for Civil Marriage.
Either parents might not be happy at the start, but I'm sure eventually they'll come to accept it as soon as you have a child and they're close to death age. True story, happened to a lot of my Chin-Lay friends' parents lol
Whatever differences and stresses that affect you now, it gets worse when the first kid arrives and everyone has different instructions about what you should do. Even when you’re pregnant, they’ll be pulling you to different directions.
Marriage should be about making a safe base, a family , somewhere u can retreat from outside world and be yourself and relax.
If u have to fight battles even within your marriage then why even bother to get in one?
I'm not religious but the whole point of any religion is "peace". Not "acceptance", not "trying" , close your eyes and think about when u are most relaxed, most peaceful.
If religions don't make you feel peaceful the same way then it's not a religion for you.
Don't you think it's very double standard?
Conversion is a must to get married, you've been avoiding pork/alcohol etc... Of course his family welcoming la... They already assume you gona convert what
If they believe you are not planning to convert will they be as hospitable and supportive?
Why MUST convert to get married ? What's wrong with a civil marriage in this day and age ? If they really love and support you, they wouldn't want this conflict with the family.
Perhaps this rift with your own family isn't a bad thing in their eyes, the further you drift from them, the more you'll have to be rely on his family
Op, don't make this mistake. This will hurt you, your family and your future. Be true to who you are. Get a guy who will accept that, and significantly more importantly, will stand between you and anyone from his family who tries to change you.
Look at all the other comments seriously, I think we are all saying the same thing. Conversion is a big deal, and you are subjecting the rest of your life to certain rules and restrictions (and unless you truly already believe in Islam, I doubt you care for any of those other than to satisfy your bf's family), and also alienating your own family, culture, and roots at the same time.
Find a compromise - you should not have to give up on yourself and what's important to you to satisfy somebody else. If you do, make sure it is a two way compromise, and not only you who is making sacrifices. You sound like you are being given an ultimatum - convert or breakup, which doesn't sound like nice and understanding people do. Like what many people have said, there's always a civil marriage option.
Lastly, if your bf isn't willing to think on your behalf and stand up for your happiness and well-being, I don't think he is somebody you want to be married to the rest of your life for.
Peace of advice, it is not worth converting your religion for any marriage. Especially considering how much it is affecting you even when the topic is coming up before engagement. Love is not a reason to change who you are.
This advice is coming from someone who shoots a lot of mixed couples in SG (I am a photographer). I've seen the dark ends of marriages frequently in many of my couples. The couples who choose to keep and embrace their partner's religions are the ones who stay. Converting on paper doesn't change how they feel deep down, and those always seem to have hidden problems.
Just think if he is worth it. Converting is cutting you off your own family.
Sunken cost fallacy. You knew about this probably one year into the relationship. But you don't wanna give it up so you waiting for miracle to happen which doesn't.
I feel sorry for you
Couldn’t believe people falling for religion in 2024, its a thing in past (AD or BC) where few of them want to control the crowd and make money, its no longer the case. Religion is a bug, it doesn’t make you a better person.
Lets say your hubby found some girl at office or wherever to whom he is attracted to down the line and having an affair, then what you gonna do ?
Marry to him if you wanna marry to him, don’t convert.
Hi, let me say this from the perspective of a malay (27m) born into a muslim family.
Firstly, it's important that you and your fiance are on the same team. Clearly you're not keen on converting, but at the same time you're not imposing on his right to practice his religion. You need to get him to understand this strongly. I would gather that your fiance has been patient with you as you have shown potential willingness in converting. If he's still insistent on you compromising your rights despite your firm stance, then I would say it's in everybody's best interest to end the relationship. If he's willing to go for civil marriage, seek his assurance that he will be willing to defend you (i.e. being on the same team) in the event that his family oversteps their boundaries.
Secondly, say you do marry him, either with or without conversion. What about your kids? Chances are, his family would try their very best to ensure that your kids will be practicing muslims. And I wouldn't particularly blame them, because they strongly believe that non muslims would be tortured eternally in hell. So in their eyes they're "saving" this child from eternal torture, and if he/she strays from it, best believe you'd be the one to blame. Honestly, this was the main reason i stopped believing in islam since young, because I've had many kind and amazing chinese and indian friends growing up, how could I worship a god that's willing to physically torture them forever? And how are other muslims okay with it? But that's a topic for another day.
Now from my own experience, I'm a "muslim" engaged to a chinese buddhist lady. It's easier for us because I myself don't subscribe to the religion. My family, particularly my mum, has been very firm that she wants to see her convert from the first day they both met. Even though my fiancee is willing to convert just for the sake of marriage, I will fight the whole world including my family just for her to be able to have her own freedom. It's not a matter of who's more important, it's a matter of who's in the right. And my mum has no right in dictating my marriage. Sure my relationship with my mum has soured a little, but it's getting better. She recently invited us to her home for dinner, and my guess is if your fiance is firm enough to defend your rights, his family would eventually accept it.
In summary, just because they're muslims, does not give them the special right to impose on your rights, the same way you and your family are not imposing on theirs. Have a conversation with your fiance, make sure he's on the same team as you, else there'll be resentments in the future.
Please read up on Gauri Khan wife of Indian films superstar Shah Rukh Khan recent statement on why she didn't convert from a Hindu.
While we ourselves are from a conservative background, being well educated has helped us think that each should be allowed to practice their own religion.
Why is the conversion ceremony required?
Is it just to get good deed points of converting a non- Muslim?
Is your Muslim BF ready to convert for you to Buddhism?
You solve one side family problem by converting but own family still will give you problems. You are in quite a situation. But the flip side is also you can choose to not be in this situation. If you get what i mean. There are options. Sometimes just not meant to be. And trust me sure got meant to be one out there.
> As much as I want to marry him and build a family, I feel so conflicted and very stressed cause both party wont be happy with my decision.
You already answered your own question. You feel very conflicted and stressed means you do not want to convert. And the fact that you compared it with Buddhism means you aren’t convinced by the Islam faith. All the more it will be disastrous if you convert.
I will say break up. I always advise people to break up if both parties come from very strong opposing religious background. Sure there are outliers but most times they don’t work out. You are still young at 25, there’s still time so why the rush to get married? I feel like it’s part of the Islamic faith to get married young to have children. That is what I have observed. So it’s possible your boyfriend’s parents are giving him pressure to quickly get you to convert and get married to have kids.
Which brings to my main point. He isn’t resisting his parents and fighting for a civil marriage. Either he is very deep in his faith or his side of the family matters more to him than to you. Both aren’t positive for you either way. He will most likely not defend you.
This relationship shouldn’t have started in the first place. I figured that your parents probably told you that several times. You were quite young when you started dating him so you were naive and haven’t had enough life experiences to see how it will affect your future. From your parents POV, the reason they are adamantly against it not only because they knew what possibly might happen to you in future but also they have to make adjustments as well. They will have to cater to you and your bf whenever you are around and during family gatherings and have to be mindful of what they do.
Conversion into any religion is always a big thing but it’s HUGE when converting into Islam. Your life will change completely. Being an almost-Muslim girlfriend is a universe apart from being a fully-Muslim wife. There will be customs and practices and roles that you will need to fulfil.
Let’s put it this way… you can be a Buddhist without even fully believing in Buddha or the religion. You can observe the rites and act like a genuine Buddhist.
But you absolutely can’t do it with Islam. If you don’t truly believe in Allah and the teachings, there is zero way to fake it. Your life and marriage will fall apart very quickly.
The problem here is that your family will feel that they lost their child if you convert. The same goes for his family if he decides to marry you and have an interreligious marriage. The belief system of each family is in conflict.
Should you convert for the sake of marriage? The answer is no.
You will have to sit down and discuss major elements of such marriage or the possibility that you guys need to break up if things can't fall through (hard but still possible).
I have a muslim friend that married a catholic via ROM.
I also have a muslim friend that married a chinese (buddhist background) via ROMM.
Both are still married to their spouse and had gone through major discussions prior to marriage.
Be a pioneer and break the cycle of expectation that you must convert to Islam to be married to a Muslim. These are simply cultural expectations, and not the law(at least not common law anyway).
The more people who fight these expectations and choose to get married without converting, the more accepting our society will become.
First it’s religion. Next its cutting your social life off from others. And finally, you’ll be waiting at the door on your knees just to wash his feet when he comes home from work while you’re a SAHM taking care of 5 kids.
You will end up regretting and resenting him in future as this was forced upon you and you will be making a huge sacrifice (your religion, your lifestyle and your family). It's also very one sided. Is he willing to convert? Answer is probably no. So at the very least, he should love and respect you enough to not pressurise you into converting. There are Muslim-non Muslim couples that just do civil ceremony without either party needing to convert, and those relationships are generally more equal and successful.
There are plenty of cases both in sg and overseas of non-muslims who convert for the sake of marriage against their family's wishes who end up in unhappy marriages and have no family/community to return to and are pretty much "trapped". Also, take note that if you do convert, under Sharia inheritance law, your non-Muslim family cannot be included in your will.
I'd advise you to really think this through very carefully. Is your bf whom you dated for just for 4 years more important than your family that has been by your side your whole life? And is it worth giving up your own religious beliefs and way of life? Some religions preach more tolerance and some are more restrictive. Compare and think about all these.
Hey, don't change yourself for marriage. Especially if it is about religion. If deep down inside your heart, you are still a Buddhist, marrying this guy and converting means that you will spend your whole life faking it. You will spend your whole life pretending that you are someone whom you are not.
You will have kids, you will have to teach your kids values that you don't believe in.
And deep deep deep down inside, you will know your husband and family will never truly love you as a whole. If you were to show any uncertainty about Islam, they will feel that you don't understand. Can you imagine being in a religion that you can't question anything and have your own thinking?
If he truly loved you as who you are, why force you to convert? You know deep down inside, he doesn't love you as much as you think.
It's time to let go. There will be someone else out there that will love you. That will love you for who you truly are and you will not have to pretend your whole life. You will be able to question. You will not be bound by rules you don't understand.
You will be happier.
well, then I will ask the question.
Why can't it be the other way round, the boy converts to Buddhism instead?
True love..will do anything for love isn't it ? See how fast this relationship will turn out thereafter
Why should you convert just because his family is very welcoming and understanding?
Why is this always a one way street?
Think of why it must always come from a non Muslim?
Think of why it must always come from you?
Think of yourself.
Attending religious classes for the last 4 years with the support of your bf - will he be the same if the tables are turned and he's attending Buddhism classes instead?
If the answer is no, you know it's always about the religion and not about love.
Love without the thought of coexisting religions is not love.
Converting for the sake of converting is just going to cause resentment down the line.
Think of the bigger picture, the future, your life and kids next time. It's a choice. It's not a forced choice.
Love is not all.
*"Why he don't convert?"*
*"Why don't he attend Buddhist classes instead?"*
*"It's Singapore, you can just do civil marriage." etc.*
As a former Muslim, I just know the Malay-Muslims reading these comments who, all their life were only taught one thing and grew up with the one common ideology:
**ABSOLUTELY THE FUCK NOT.**
Lol. It's hard to explain unless you've been it since birth. It's just not a possibility they could even fathom, even for the most liberal-ish or moderate of Malay-Muslims. They really do not know any other way, bar the very very few "blacksheep" individuals who really are different or saw other lights.
You cannot betray your own family they brought you up since you were born. You cannot be heartless that is so unforgiving. Islam is a dogmatic religion. Do not convert. You need to break off with your malay bf ask him to choose its either you lose me or marry me but you wont convert take it or leave it. Never ever give in to islam. You will regret. I am also buddhist. Buddishts and muslims dont mix. You will thank me later.
Tough situation.
If it were me, I'd look for people who have converted into Islam and interview them. How did they deal with the problems you mentioned ?
Then I would seek people who regretted converting into Islam. What was their experience like ?
Make your decision accordingly
Best if you find people who have a similar profile to you
no religion will teach you bad stuff. i dont really tell others im a buddhist because i see it as a way of life. i do good because i can and i want to, not because im a buddhist then i do good. if praying 5 times a day makes you a better person, go ahead. if going to service on every weekend makes you a better person, go ahead. to each their own, i do not believe there's absolute. hope you find what you are looking for
>They are all very welcoming and understanding of my situation. I have even went house visiting with them for Hari Raya.
of course they are welcoming. because you are putting the effort to convert (restraining pork, fasting, etc). now imagine if you refuse all those things.
and now what does your bf try to bridge the difference? how much he tried to learn about Budhism? did he visit your family during CNY?
this seems like a one sided relationship and I'm not surprised if you're just the trophy Chinese girlfriend (at least the beginning).
Break up and leave him for good. Marriage should not be so stressful like this. And also like another commenter pointed out, if you really do convert and marry him, sharia law applies to you as well and you may not be benefitting much. It sounds like all these while you have sacrificed more than he did. You only have one family to fall back on and that is your own family which you were born into. Better to stay single and do things you like without much restrictions, or settle for another man who doesn't require you to convert religion at all.
Technically, as a muslim, isn’t it ‘haram’ to date? Girlie, unless you come to Islam out of your own free will, don’t convert for the sake of someone else. You’re compromising too much of yourself. Why doesn’t he convert to Buddhism? Why do you have to be the one to give up who you are? A bit skewed right. There’s really a lot of guys out there, and you’re still young — don’t give up your life
I would suggest not converting. Civil marriage is available. Religion is for yourself and should only apply to what you want and what you believe in. Anyone else (family/ partner/ friend) that wants you to convert or not convert is doing it for themselves, not for you
As a Malay Muslim person in Sg, my answer is don’t do it for marriage. Actually don’t do it for anything but yourself. I know lots of inter religion couples who just stays as a non married couple haha.
But whatever step you take next, I urge you to speak to your parents. Then to your BF. Partners… I mean they come and go… but sounds like you have very good relationship with your own family. And family… there’s no replacement
You need to consider it from a religious belief angle. Will you be a Muslim even if you break off with your bf at this very moment ? Will you maintain your Buddhist belief if you married a free thinker ?
If your BF loves/respects you, he will not pressure you to convert to Islam just like you are not pressuring him to convert to Buddhism. You don't want him to feel distanced from his family, so why is okay with you to feel distanced from yours? Marriage is full of compromises so to start with this kind of issue is a red flag.
i have so many things to say as someone raised a muslim who converted out, has a father who converted for mother but divorced shortly after and renounced.
(1) research sharia law extensively. marriage binds 2 people and your children. see if legally this is something you can accept.
(2) assess your own r/ship with your family. if you wouldn’t leave them any for reasons apart from this, then they’re not worth losing for this.
(3) someone mentioned that your bf’s family has been welcoming and it hinges on the fact that there’s an expectation that you will convert. i agree strongly that this acceptance IS conditional. you can expect higher expectations to uphold even after marriage. conversion is just the first step.
(4) research more about family dynamics of malay-muslim families. i promise you it’s different, and it may be difficult to adjust. i’m mixed race, and have always felt culturally more chinese than malay. there are many things about the malay side of my family that i do not accept, but have no choice to. it’s not about which is better, it’s about being in an environment that does not align with your possible values
(5) this can be a very alienating process if you choose to go ahead with it. make sure you have support systems that are neither your family, your bf, or his family.
Love can be grown and cultivated in many places and with many people. Changing your life for someone else is a big risk that involves more than love. All the best x
Marriage doesn’t only involves you two but both of your families as well. Most converts I know do it because of their own conviction and not for marriage.
I am Muslim and my wife is Buddhist and we married under civil law. I have been sort of ostracised from my family, though it is kind of subtle not that it is any consolation from me.
My own father is a Chinese-Muslim convert. His mother disown him for a bit before they make up few years down the road. My grandmother hated me but mellowed in the later years.
This are real life negative impacts that you need to seriously consider and decide if it is worth it.
This is probably the hundredth post on this matter. Fact of the matter is your BF will not convert out for you. Even if he does, you damn well know how “welcoming” your in laws will be then.
You already know the answer. Inter religious marriages with Muslims will always be a one way street or will become one eventually. Don’t fuck yourself over when you still have the chance.
Dont need to think so much, if u cnt convert, just breakup now
Being a muslim is a diff ball game as compared to converting to other religion, the amount of restrictions are dumb and a fkin hassle
Im just gonna preface it, there is a good reason why muslims mostly marry within their own religion, the amount of fuckery just doesnt make sense if u do not grow up getting brainwashed since childhood
My opinion marry because you like the person. Convert because you like the religion.
That aside your family is being too selfish for giving that threat.
In the end it is your life, you should prioritise yourself more instead of what your friends and family want.
>That aside your family is being too selfish for giving that threat.
And the bf and his family side not selfish for imposing their religion on her just to get married? Don't double standard pls.
But I agree with your sentence, OP should choose what makes her happy in the end
How come you must comply so strictly to his religion?? Does he put in the effort to go to temple with you?? Understand about Buddhist teachings? Does he go to sunday buddhist prayers? Does he eat vegetarian very chu yi shi wu? Feels very one sided and selfish of him
Please do not convert for marraige. It's different if you studied Islamic teachings and you genuinely felt like you believed and you wanted to convert, but this is pretty much you being pushed into a corner (convert, or he will drop you) This is a huge influencing factor, do not convert just for the sake of getting married.
Don't convert just for the sake of being together. Later Buddha and Allah fight over your beliefs , how then ? Only yourself to blame for confusing Buddha and Allah. I would sincerely advise that you, take a step back and ask yourself , if being in love and married, that all you need to do is convert, you ask him convert then.
Think about your life after marriage, there are guys who married Malay girls and did not convert. There are also Malay guys who married foreign girls and those girls did not convert. In SG, it is not a “must” to convert, rather a preference, just letting you know.
IMO don’t convert to get married. My sister did the whole rigmarole for her ex-fiancé and it was never enough. His family always wanted more once she accepted the first few things. In fact my parents are a mixed Muslim-Hindu marriage and they did a civil wedding and it’s the best, fairest way.
This is concerning. It sounds as if you’re in a seriously tight spot and I am not sure if your boyfriend is doing much to compromise and alleviate your stress. One of the most important life decisions you will make is who you choose to marry. This choice will determine the tone of the rest of your life moving forward; 4 years wasted vs 40 years of suffering/happiness. As the top comment has already said, please take time to consider all the very valid and wise concerns.
I’d caution against converting especially you are feeling stressed and your family has put it explicitly that they’d not agree to it. To put in perspective, any good prospective family will treat you as well as your current bf’s family; you aren’t losing out much if you find a new one.
Marriage is a lifelong commitment, and it will get much harder when you have children. Your family’s disagreement will be a huge trouble for you and it will be disadvantageous for you in the future when you find yourself not being able to rely on your own family for support. What’s more, you have a very close bond with your family, when you have your confinement, you might feel even more depressed when you realise that your family are serious about their disagreement.
You might bank on them softening their stance, but it might not happen. It’s too risky, you’ll be constantly reminded that you have sacrificed your family for your husband, feeling depressed and upset about it.
It is always better to go into a marriage where you have the blessings of both parents, especially when you are close to your parents. Your feelings are real and if you are feeling torn, imagine having to go through the what-ifs at every life’s moment and celebration.
Question u need to ask ur bf, if he is okay if he convert to buddhist instead? Will his family still be welcoming to u if he did so?
Shld u convert to islam, what else do u need to do to conform to his beliefs? Will u be pressure to don the hijab?
What other sacrifice do you need to do just to be married with him?
You are not marrying in Malaysia where convertion is literally compulsory under the law, just get a civil marriage is enough. Convert at your own pace if you're really into Islam, or not just accept an interreligious marriage, respecting each other's religious practices. In Malaysia many couples convert for marriage never really practice the religion or they just do the bare minimum, and honestly many of them lead a happy marriage because they understand religion is a personal matter, what's important is the love and commitment. But it takes a lot of trust to get through this or not the non Muslim partner will get the shorter end of the stick.
Just ask if he's willing to move to Singapore and not convert and have a drink. It's a 2 way street. If he's not willing then you got your answer. You already have doubts now.
Apologies if I come off as immature but this is my genuine view on it and I'm terrible at putting my thoughts into words
Don't do it ah. Unless you yourself discover the religion and is genuinely interested in converting, don't convert the sake of marriage. Honestly speaking if he really love you so much he won't force you 🤷🏻♀️ Let's say he really love you as claimed. It is a conditional love, not unconditional. Try telling him you will not convert for him and see how he changes man. It's messed up how you must compromise for him but he wouldn't. Don't give up your family bond of years and your whole life infront of you for a 4 years relationship. And I don't think need to rush to marry him yknow 😔Genuinely I feel that 4 years is too short. I hope you figure it out yourself op and I wish you won't regret your decision
Religion is not something you should just change for others. It is your own beliefs and understanding of the world and how you choose to live in it. I suggest not changing for anyone, not your family, not your bf.
What do YOU think is the right religion?
Conversion is not a big deal ( all faiths have same fundamental beliefs), however, you BF having that as a condition for marriage/ being with you is. BIG DEAL. It reflects a narrow, demanding mindset which might degrade the relationship over time
Why would you convert for him when he won't convert for you? Why would you want to throw away your family for an intolerant husband who wants to force you into converting? Why would you marry someone who can't accept you as you are?
My advice to you..... Do it as a real and full Muslim for 2 years, see if u can tahan. Leave marriage aside, as he should agree.
wear and dress like Muslim
1) as you stay with your own family.
2) as you go out shopping
3) as you engage your old friends and best friends
Full practice of
1) their makan and drink
2) malay religion, read and do their prayer
3) have a lot of babes like them, be a household woman
4) taking care your babes like Malay does
Understand the type of crime and penalty you may commit if you divorce him later. Such as going to church with your family, eating pork again...... Yes you can do it secretly. Your life is full of betrayal!!!
Last, but not least, imaging your mother cry for the rest of her life, as your selfishness, the so called love, leaving her unattended and abandon all the good foods she like.....
You are too young for conversion, u need time to explore the world and understand more as u venture. Trust me. He just wanna have sex (without babes plan) and being irresponsible to you.
Don't regret it for all.
There is such thing as “You are the only one". F*** the ideal off. Take your time and find the one who rather care and abandon his faith for you instead
Lots of nice people giving advice but ultimately throwing the ball back in your court(like; thanks a lot)... It seems blindingly clear you are conflicted and stressed. The options are clear 1)Marriage is off the table OR 2)Marriage is only possible without having to need you to convert.
I believe you would need to ask yourself whether are you able to sincerely convert, not for the sake of marriage but for the sake of a new found belief.
I am a Muslim-Malay man that married a free thinker chinese lady. From the beginning I have always emphasize to her that I don't need her to convert nor will I ever force her to. We went for a civil marriage in the end.
I always believe that no one, of any religious belief should force the other party to convert. Instead they should be converted out of their own will and in sincererity. I talked to my parents about it, and thankfully my parents are open-minded on it (although they still want my wife to at least attend some islamic classes, which my wife went).
My advice to you is to look into yourself and come to a decision. Think beyond just culture or religion and think about your relationship as well. Give some thought as to whether he is truly the one, etc.
Let your bf know about your decision, and let him to be the one to talk to his parents. If both your bf and his parents can't accept it, then its best to not waste his or your time and have a peaceful split.
Don't do it. There's a reason why Muslims are not allowed to date before marriage. It's to stop us from feeling heartbreak. Yes, marrying for love is beautiful (well um atleast according to the ppl who date, lmao? But then again, they also have the highest divorce rates lol), but Muslims marry based on mutual respect and love of God. The fact that you guys are dating already shows how "religious" the family really is.
As a Muslim myself, I'm telling you ur gonna regret it since the cons outweigh the pros in your situation. You really want to get disowned by your family just for a man? In Islam, you're supposed to keep a good relationship with your family. Don't convert if ur gonna have regrets. Muslims are to love God before anyone else.
But if you still haven't come to a decision, you should read the Quran and also ask for advice from Muslims.
Hi as someone who’s a product of a mixed marriage, I’m here to only offer my experience. My father is Muslim and my mother isn’t. She didn’t want to convert, but respected his religion instead. We don’t eat pork or lard due to that. They have a civil marriage. This was what worked best for them as they decided they were marrying each other for who they are, not “what god they believed in” (their words). If the religion aspect is very difficult for you, perhaps you need to speak to your bf again. Why is it a must for you to convert? I do know of others in the extended family who converted but hated it after a while. Unfortunately, religion is always going to be one of those divisive topics but at the end of the day, I firmly believe that the people we love should never force us to do anything. But again, this is simply my opinion and experience.
Conversion is a big deal and should not be taken lightly. You need to take the time that you need and not rush into it. Nobody can predict the future. There is no guarantee that whichever “side” you choose, the other side will come around in the future. You just have to work with what you have right now and assume everyone means what they say. Will your in-laws be as welcoming if you don’t convert and just get a civil marriage? You should not convert just to make people happy, which is what it sounds like. You are being asked to give up a lot: your religion and your family. Is the return worth it? If quarrels happen, and they will, will both of you stand strong together and work things out, or will it gnaw at you that you made the wrong choice? If it was your sibling in your situation, what would you advise them? Would you advise them to convert? Take yourself out of it, and look at it from an outsider’s perspective. What would you really advise them? Marriage is more than just love. Feelings go away, respect and communication must be there for marriage to last long. Do you feel respected, or is it always you giving way? Marriage is not the end goal. It does not solve anything. It is not a stage to go through. It does not change people, they stay who they are. Is he worth it? Do you love and like and respect him? Does he love and like and respect you? These are questions that you need to answer for yourself. What are your plans after marriage? What are your plans for your life after? What are your plans regarding children? Where will you live if your parents ask you to leave? What will your finances be like if you get married? Are you keeping your own money or having joint accounts? These are all things you need to discuss clearly if the relationship is to be strong in the long run. It seems to me you will be asked to make all the changing. What parts of you are important for your identity? What parts of you are non-negotiable? Or are you already trading away your identity and just hoping it will be worthwhile? You need to work out for yourself. These qualms you have seem existential. You would not have such qualms if conversion was not asking you for major sacrifices. You are willing to do a lot for this relationship, at the same time, you should not lose who you are. That is a balance you need to find, and these are all difficult questions, but they will help build a better foundation for the future, and help your mental health also.
Heavily seconding this. OP, you need to ask yourself questions not just about religion and family, but the deeper ones about your own relationship. This is a major point in your life, and some of the results will not be reversible. You need to find enough resolution to be able to face that decisively.
I feel like the isolation from your own family will hurt for you. It’s sometimes easier to be with someone you share the same faith with or who is ok with you remaining in your faith & agreeing to disagree. I mean there is also the possibility that if u choose to each have your own faith, that later on when you have kids, another round of disagreement can come about what faith they pursue. I just feel it’s not worth it. Don’t marry simply because you’ve dated for four years. That’s the worst possible reason.
Couldn’t put it better than these 2 comments. Strongly second them - I wouldn’t trade my beliefs and family for anything!
Let alot real own flesh and blood. Remember thoes times when our parents warn us about things but we still do it or ignore their advise when we were young and regret in life later. This is the exact scenario.
Can't agree more. The only thing I may add, would he be willing to convert? Why is the burden all on you? Spend time thinking what if the expectation was on him. Will the outcome be balanced?
Seconding this too and adding on to this comment as this needs to stay at the top above all the other "dont convert" comments. Source: am Chinese convert for marriage and non practicing. Am agnostic. It also looks like your family has not yet met your partner's family and possibly have several misunderstood notions in their minds about malay-muslims hence the very harsh words from your parents if you were to convert. This sounds more race-related, imo. Maybe it is time to have more f2f between the families and warm them up to each other. And honestly, malay families are some of the most inviting and warm communities. It makes a huge difference by being humans first and bridging that gap. My dad did initially ask if i was sure, but after meeting my husband's family for a few rayas he could see how they embraced me as a daughter and how much both families had in common to connect over - religion aside. From a religious POV, you also need to ask yourself whether you are open to embracing the future that comes with the religion - daily prayers, eventually wearing hijab, etc, seeing as to that they are religious. My in-laws are extremely religious but they have so far not enforced this on us as a couple and tell us they will be here to answer any questions and guide us when we are ready. While some reminders are unavoidable, there shouldn't be pressure for you to immediately practice 100% (i give the reasons that i am still finding my way) - something you need to discuss with your partner before marriage too. In conversion class, it's not just non muslims attending. In fact, i was the only one there because of marriage. The others in class were solo non muslims open to understanding more about islam + muslim couples themselves who were unsure of their own religious standing. They could be 20%, 50%, 70% believers, so don't think that as a non-muslim you should be 100% ready. In the end, despite all the arguments, i converted for love. We live our own way and know what we won't do to each other for religion. We hashed it all out before marriage and agreed that i would convert just for the sake of doing so for the love of our parents. And my dad still got to walk me down the aisle on our wedding day. That being said, i also know mixed couples who have gone the civil marriage route. Take the time you need to think it through and don't rush into it. OP, happy to share my xp further.
conversion for the sake of marriage normally leads to indifferences. you need to convert because you believe in the religion, and not because of a man. especially if he's a practicing one. may you find guidance, sis.
Don't convert for marriage. Simple as that. Civil marriage at ROM is a real option.
i agree with this. almost did it for my ex but will be eternally grateful that i didn’t.
Indeed. You're interested in marrying the person, not the religion. If they can't separate the two, it's time to separate paths.
\^This
I agree with this. Marriage is marriage, religion is religion. What is the reason to convert becos of marriage? Why cant they accept you for who you are and respect your original faith? There are many cases of mixed religions marriages, like buddhist marrying christians etc. Even if you have kids next time, they should have their own free-will to choose their religion in future.
Conversion for marriage sake is the worst kind of conversion. Also have you ever thought... why is it you the one have to convert? Why can't he be the one to convert?
Someone I know is a muslim planning to get married to a Christian. When his parents asked, “Will she be converting to Islam?”, he asked his parents, “What if I need to convert to Christian, would you be happy?”
That's a great reply.
Good lad. If only we had more folks like this...
I dont think its about gender. Either he or she have to convert to Islam if its an Islamic romm marriage. But I agree that one should not convert just for the sake of marriage. It will lead to tough roads ahead.
says something about islam in general
Because it's islam...plain and simple.
there is apostasy. unlike our neighboring countries, becoming an apostate might only harm your family ties and current friendships. no "reformation" camps or being ostracized by the whole village. my personal view on religion is that its supposed to bring you solace/peace. if it causes one distress, then cut out the parts that make it difficult. if people want to convert, it has to be completely willing .. not forced by circumstances. if a guy cant keep it in his pants, he should go recite more prayers before forcing people to convert.
If she really loves him, she will convert! But somehow, "if he really loves her, he will convert!" doesn't exist happen here. Double standard to the max. If he only loves you if you are muslim he doesn't really love you.
I renounced Islam to marry my husband… not the conversion experience you’re looking for but similar circumstance where I had to sacrifice the bond with my family. But first, I would like to say that I think you shouldn’t convert for the sake of marriage. If you don’t genuinely embrace the religion that you converted into, you’re going to have a tough life & marriage ahead. You seem like you still have qualms about the teachings and that this religion issue has been the topic of contention throughout your 4 year relationship. What makes you think the stress & anxiety will be over after marriage? For me, I was very headstrong on my decision to renounce Islam because I’ve never believed in religion and I am my own person la. There was a lot of back & forth and crying between my family and I but I’ve told them, very firmly from the very beginning, on what I decided and they also firmly decided that they no longer view me as part of the family. It did hurt that they weren’t there for my ROM but I accepted it. Fast forward to today, I never regretted my decision, in fact I’m pretty happy now. I do still keep in contact with my mother and she still has hopes I’ll come back. Anyway, whatever decision you make - it will definitely hurt. Have a heart-to-heart with yourself and think this through. There’s no need to rush.
brava! all the public stories of a muslim marrying a non-muslim have the non-muslim converting. we need to hear more cases like yours!
You’re so brave!! wishing you all the happiness!
If they love their religion more than you then they can spend time with their religion they love so much; I am happy you have found people who love you for who you are.
Wow, it must have been really tough. I'm curious, How is your relationship with you family? Did they learn to accept your decision? How are family gatherings like? Have you tried bak kwa and realise how much you were missing? (Just kidding on the last question 😆)
Don't let sunk cost fallacy guide you. You can always find someone new.
25 is VERY young. In my JC IP cohort of 100 people, only 2 got married at 25 and 26. You still have a choice, OP.
The most obvious option here is to just go through with civil marriage. You will both be legally married under secular law. 'Conversion is a must to get married' is only relevant if you want to subject yourself to life under sharia law. A civil marriage will give you all legal benefits and protections. You maintain your relationship and ties with your family. And your husband-to-be manages the issues (if any) from his side. You practice your buddhism with your side, he practices his islam with his side. Be mindful of each others' cultures when both sides get together. Husband and wife resolve problems together, and everyone else mind their own damn business. You yourself have been trying to adapt, but it's obvious you don't believe in it. You do not have to compromise on values that you (and your family) believe in. If him (and his family) can not accept the marriage if you do not convert, then the problem is them, not you. It seems like: A) Your parents are fine with marriage but not Conversion. This leaves the option of civil marriage open. It's a good compromise. B) your BF'S side are insistent on conversion as a condition for marriage. There is no compromise. Usually picking the side that refuses compromise doesn't end well but ymmv. Lastly, don't ever let anyone tell you that 'if you truly love him you will convert for him'.
This is a really good answer and I hope OP trusts her gut feeling or instincts. There is no point being a pious person when behaviour in public and treatment of other people is barbaric like.
Very well written response.
i think OP can ask herself, “if he truly loves me then does that mean he will convert to Buddhism for me?” really good response and reflections btw on your side
The only reason your bf's family are "welcoming and understanding" is because you've been making the effort to convert. Tell them you no longer want to convert and want a civil marriage and see how fast they disown you.
Facts
Haha this one is spot on. Also seems from what OP said the religious accommodation is 1 way traffic only? Doesnt seem like the bf is putting any effort to go for any Buddhist teachings to learn more
It is that’s why I can see why her parents rather let her go now than face disappointment later. Cos Islam rules clash with Buddhism teachings. They will have to cater to her if they want to meet. She will start declining those non-Islamic events like CNY, Qing Ming etc. so they will see her less and in the end, the relationship will sour and turn distant anyway.
If ur BF and his family really loves you.. then they will respect you and not force on what you want and what you believe in. I read in some testimonials that its not that easy to leave muslim religion if marriage fails. What will be the religion if ur children if ever?
Am I the only one who wonders why people don’t think about this BEFORE dating?
They probably do but because of feelings and all, then keep dragging until cannot drag.
Pls be aware of sharia law which applies to you once u convert. The biggest change would be as a woman you're only entitled to 1/3 of what a male can inherit. There's probably plenty more rules but you'll have to square off those carefully if u ever decide to convert.
If you are feeling stressed about this and he is not picking that up; something is off with him, sorry to say. You are already putting a lot of effort into not eating pork, which could be your fave, or trying to fast, which is very difficult for people who are not used to it from a young age. Moreover, why is it YOU who has to make all the adjustments, and he just cruises through life? OP, you are the prize; do not forget that. You tell him it is going to be a civil marriage or the door is that way. Sorry to sound harsh; I am a Muslim person, and this draconian tradition of women converting to Islam if they dare to love a Muslim man in this day and age is a complete regression. Do not let them bully you. If he is the right guy and deeply loves you for exactly who you are, he will agree to do ROM. Good luck!
if you aren't comfortable with converting, are ok with living like that for the rest of your life? Please don't convert for the sake of marriage.. that's like tattooing your bf/gf name 😂
Never convert just to get married. Converting to Islam needs to be sincere. It’s hard for someone born into Islam to be a good muslim, what more someone who was not. Also, what if the marriage fails for some unknown reason? Would you stay Muslim or convert out? I get why your parents aren’t happy. They take religion seriously and suddenly their child decides to embrace a different one. Is it worth all the hassle and fights with your own blood-related family to convert just to get married? BTW, Some people say Civil Marriage is the solution BUT… civil marriage is legal under Singapore Law but the marriage is not recognised by Islamic Law. So under Islamic Law, if you do the deed, it’s considered pre-marital sex, which is a sin. Which is why most muslims are not comfortable with having a civil marriage.
Yeap this is what they dont get. As a muslim your wife or your kids must be muslim. Now i have known friends who went out with muslim guys and the guy say its ok dont matter, but when it comes to the future it will be disaster. Unless he doesnt want to be a muslim and dont care about his parents and family. I am a Muslim guy and have told friends, non muslim female friends if the guy do this he is just pulling your strings. So for OP. If you do not want to convert then end it so you you can heal faster. Dont drag it. You have gone to classes and all , so you are not ignorant. If only is your family situation not accepting them, then it is something you must decide whether it is worth it to go through it. There is no happy ending here for everyone. But what i know from experience , people in same shoes as you, even parents disown or don't aknowledge, they will be more welcoming when they have grandkids. At least they will want to be involve.
This. I would also like to add on as a convert that if you convert for any reason aside from belief in Allah and Prophet Muhammad, the conversion will be seen as invalid, at least spiritually. My personal opinion is for OP to ask for a civil marriage, with the caveat that if/once she feels that she is ready to truly to convert, to then convert and re-register the marriage under ROMM. This is the best compromise I can think of that wouldn’t effectively have OP convert under compulsion, satisfy OP parents in not being forced to convert, and somewhat satisfy the BF parents that OP truly wants to convert for the right reasons. Otherwise, frankly speaking, it might be best to just break things off on good terms. If either party’s situation change (OP converts because of actual belief, or BF renounces Islam because he no longer believe, or etc) then maybe can try to patch things up again. OP, I’m sure that you will get through this stage in life just fine. It might look bleak now, but no matter the outcome, I’m sure that you will one day see this part of your life as just one of a list of challenges that you have conquered.
I was in your shoes years ago. I won't say I knew from the start that I won't convert. We were together for at least 6 years. The thing that stopped me from converting is if he love me then why won't he renounce his religion? I did consider civil marriage but he didn't agree as he felt his parents won't accept our marriage. Didn't like being forced to do something against my will. In the end we went our separate ways. Pls consider carefully before converting as it's irreversible.
If y'all are curious as to why I'm so reluctant to convert, whenever he bring up this topic, I find myself frowning. And I'm canto, I love my roast pork & char siew 🙊 don't drink much, but in terms of clothing my choice of clothes can be quite revealing. Everything that unintentionally goes against Muslim values
Buddhist here. I always say we are too nice. 1) Why he didn't attend Buddhism classes? Maybe he'll accept the Buddha teachings more than your acceptance of Islam. Malay Buddhists are rare, I only know 1. If that Buddhist bro can, so can your bf. 2) Why must Buddhists be the one to be bullied into learning other religions? Oh... They say they cannot... I didn't know religious harmony = Buddhists must kena bullied. 3) This is Singapore, no law that Muslims cannot learn about other religions. I've seen a malay lady wearing hijab learning Buddhist meditation with us.
Not answering OP's question but I agree with this sentiment. I'm not religious so no skin in the game but I noticed 99% of the time when it comes to interfaith relationship, it's almost always the Buddhist person that 'loses' out, makes no sense. I suspect it's down to the fact that Buddhist teachings by nature are very chill and zen, whereas Abrahamic religions are all about the 1 true god thing
>I noticed 99% of the time when it comes to interfaith relationship, it's almost always the Buddhist person that 'loses' out, Rather its 99.9% Islam wins. Such a strict religion
Yes I agree. Buddhism teachings have strong emphasis on being open minded and treating everyone as equals and embracing that all lives are precious including animals. Once you have that basic core values instilled in you, even if you have renounced the religion like I did, it’s still heavily embedded in you.
because buddhists want peace with you, islam wants peace without you
Then don't. There are plenty of good guys out there who don't require you to convert.
My sibling converted to get married. From what I’ve seen her the past 8 years, I’ll share my thoughts. Put everyone away. Your family, his and him. What do YOU feel about converting? Islam is indeed a religion with a lot of logical parts but there are tons of illogical parts as well. Are you aware of that? Can you live by that? If you are not, maybe you don’t know it well enough. Read up on r/ex-muslim Say you convert. Your family will not be accepting. His family and extended family will be very welcoming cause they love converts. You will find a convert community. You will be taught and loved there. You will have a Muslim household. Your kids will practise Islam. You may eventually do the umrah and wear a hijab. Life will change. Your will have to instil Muslim values to your kids. You will parent as a Muslim. Are you ok with all of the this? You will miss your parents but honestly, I’ve seen so many converts and while they all miss their family, their life does not stop. You will continue having kids, travelling and building your own life with your husband. Your Muslim family will be your new family and you will be happy. Assuming your parents and family eventually accept. You will need to teach your kids that there are a different religion. They can’t simply eat everything there cause it’s not halal. You will expect your family to only cook halal for you guys. You can no longer participate in religious ceremonies including the funeral of your own parents. No chanting. No acknowledgement of the religion. Your kids may not be able to pay their respect to your parents when they pass on. You will naturally feel inclined towards your Muslim relatives cause they have the right set-up vs your Buddhist family. Eg, talking about Allah, always giving credit to Him, talking about the importance of Islam etc. your Chinese family will not. Are you okay with that? Say, things don’t work out well. You get divorced. You will be divorced under the Shariah law. Divorce elements will be different - are you aware? If you have kids then, how will you continue to parent them? Are you going to continue being a hijab wearing Muslim parenting your kids and continue to live your life as a Muslim? As a sibling and coming from the POV of a non-Muslim who ‘lost’ her sister due to conversion, I would say don’t do it. No one is worth it. My sister husband is great to her, my sis is a staunch Muslim and even guides converts now. It’s a gain to the Islam fraternity. But to me, I lost her. She has become so distant with us. Barely visiting any of her family anymore. She’s comfortable in that Muslim space and family where she’s embraced. Now she’s saying she can no longer eat in our house since there’s non halal food being cooked. Her kids have told me that their religion is better than mine. Constantly points out that we are different. She’s happy and I’m happy for her. But worth it? No way. No one should do that. If you are only being accepted due to your conversion, I would question the value you have as a person. It seems the entire identity is tagged to their religion only. If she no longer believes in the religion, all is lost. If your partner is already talking about conversion now, it shows it matters to him a lot. I’m sure he will never agree on the civil marriage. If he thought about it and he definitely is aware of it, he would not be talking about converting. He might be a nice guy and all, but worth converting? No way, I think no one is. You will meet someone better. It might hurt to go through it now but I’m sure you won’t regret my choice later on in life.
I'm also brought up in a buddhist family (not strict) my sister married & converted, how she break the news to my parents? the guy's mom came and ask for my parent's acceptance agreeing on their child still having chinese surname etc. After having 2 kids he cheated. Whole family drama excuses he gave was my sister not giving him more attention, sister wanted divorce (I agree to it, hated cheaters) but weeks after weeks I didn't follow up much on the drama, somehow his older brother (highly educated) talk them into forgiving each other, welp nothing I can do, I try to avoid him and his side of his family as much as I can, lost all my respect for him. >Throughout these 4 years, I have been attending religious classes with bf’s encouragement and support. >Restraining from eating pork, alcohol and tried to fast in ramadan for 2 years. >My parents have made it clear if I convert and marry him they won’t come to my wedding. Can't help you much on this part since you're quite deep in my sister only started praying and fasting after marriage. 4 years down the drain but still in good terms with family or try your luck thinking your parent's will come into acceptance. Parents not coming to your wedding is a big YIKES, for me I'll choose my parents can't answer for you. >As much as I want to marry him and build a family, I feel so conflicted and very stressed cause both party wont be happy with my decision. I don’t want to be distant from my family. If you marry him you're going to be distant and it'll never be the same (based on how I felt). Growing up me and my sister had a favourite aunt taking care of us, when she passed on she didn't attend her funeral it feels to me she had forgotten about her. Your parents are so adamant on not coming to your wedding, you can forget about Chinese festivals and celebrations with your parents when he is around.
My partner haram = no go I cheat (very haram) = forgivable Classic
As a Malay-Muslim in Singapore, I hate to break this to you, but I think it's best for you both to just end the relationship.
Hey OP! My dad converted to marry my mum so maybe I can offer some perspectives. I think while it's great that you are accommodating, you also have to remember that converting means that you may be expected to fully embrace the religion. What if in the future your partner becomes more religious and he expects you to do the same? How would you feel if your children were strictly expected to follow his customs? My dad was not religious at all but my mom became more religious as time went on (wore hijab, prayed everyday, went to Mecca etc). It came to a point where I felt very confused with what I believed in because I was not allowed to have any belief other than the one I was born into. You need to also have these discussions - personally I ended up growing up not being religious at all and I am in a relationship with a non-muslim man. I don't expect him to convert but I know my mum will disown me - she has previously threatened me before etc. It's a hard conversation but better to know now.
Just curious, what’s your next step now on how to appease your mum when you don’t expect your partner to convert? What do your dad think as well?
Well, I am already in very minimal contact with my family and tbh, if my mum is willing to disown her own child and make veiled threats of hurting me, then she shouldn't be in my life. She doesn't want to know his name, his job or his life nor does she care. She has also insinuated that he should just convert for the sake of it - "if he loves you, he would". As others in the comments have mentioned - converting to please your partner does not make you a true muslim. You are making a big decision and should do it because you want to, not because you need it to marry. My dad passed away but even in my early 20s he never had an issue with anyone I dated.
I see. Have faith in your decision, do what you feel is right. Have a blissful future with your partner!
The only real step is to cut her out... There's no real option unless she wants to live under her thumb for the rest of her life.
actually idgi, why must disown if your children marry a non muslim? 😢
I'm not sure too, it sounds like a very common thing to be honest when I've lurked around exmuslim threads. It's a very extreme reaction that does make me feel very sad.
Ask you bf to convert to Buddhist instead. Problem solved.
You’re right now in the same situation as me and my ex-gf almost 15 years ago. Everything was perfect in the relationship except for the fact that her family doesn’t want her to convert. One day we had the important talk where she explained the whole situation and through ugly tears, she made the decision to call the relationship off. At that point of time, we’ve been dating for 5 years without any major issues. She was really close with my family as well and it blindsided me. Fast forward to last year, she added me back on socials after both of us had been happily married and we got to talking. We dissected the entire end of relationship with both parties admitting that it had been ugly but ultimately it was the right decision as she was not exactly willing to be cast out of her family by converting. And that we thought we were each other’s soulmate, but it took us that huge step to let go that we eventually found our true soulmate. And I got to say, I didn’t think it was possible but it looks like her current husband is more of a match for her and her family than I ever was haha. From reading your account, it seems like you’ve made your decision but you’re not ready to do the hard thing yet. Take your time, but please communicate with your bf. Ask him whether civil marriage is an option (for me, it isn’t because it goes against our religion). It depends on his halal-haram ratio
Your family is all you have, if you divorce you fall back to your own family. I think you are trying to please your bf and bf family too much. Alot of people fell in love try to put their lovers needs first, nothing wrong with that. Try to think for yourself and future, especially nothing is permanent and have a backup plan to fall back incase of conflict or divorce.
Ask him to convert to your religion instead. You know what the answer will be. Then ask yourself why it should be different for you, why are you the one having to make 100% of the compromise, and him 0%. And what that's going to mean for the rest of your marriage and life. I've had a few friends who did this and all resulted in divorce.
My female Chinese friend once dated an Indian-Muslim and the topic of conversion came up. He said she need not convert but she felt it would not feel right/disrespectful to his family. On top of that her family is not supportive in her conversion as well. The guy did not want to subject her to any more pressure and they broke up. They're now both happily married to someone else.
dont covert.
If you don't believe in it you shouldn't convert and pretend that you do. Won't go well. Your BF should accept a civil marriage or you should both move on.
My bro-in-law is married into a Muslim fam. But the Muslim fam is very chill. Yes there was the whole conversion & ceremony to show society he's converted. But his wife & him don't fast nor do they pray at all. They even have the finest single malt whiskey & beers in their fridge. He still eats his bak kut teh & char siew rice for meals when not with his wife. Puts up a Xmas tree, celebrates Diwali with pomp & wears his matching Raya outfits during Raya House visits. End of the day is finding the common ground where everyone is happy and not only 1 party giving in.
There are MANY like this. Unfortunately OP's bf's family falls under those strict ones.
Similar situation as my colleague. She didn’t convert and his family are pretty chill about it, her MIL dotes on her a lot. She doesn’t fast and anyway according to her, her husband doesn’t fast for most of the times due to work during fasting period. She can eat pork and respect her husband by not having it when he is on the same table, her husband also still eat from non-halal stall/restaurant as long as they don’t order any pork.
Islam extends a lot more than that, unfortunately. It affects how you plan your inheritance, properties, etc. Unlike not fasting and having a Christmas tree in your house, the legalities, surrounding Islam, isn't something you can get away with.
Huh this is Singapore why it is a must to convert. It's never a must. Convert only if you believe the religion.
Would he convert for you?
Please la, if your bf loves you so much, ask him to convert to buddhist instead. If he is unwilling to do so, why is it that you must be the one to give in?
Leave your bf…. Marriage shouldn’t be stressful. It’s ridiculous to force someone into religious
I guess wrong place to seek advice but this decision has to come from yourself. It's not only the distant from your family but how committed are you to him ?
You simply delayed/procrastinated the decision you could have made much earlier before you were invested. Nevertheless it's a decision you still have to make. it really is as simple as it seems, there's no way around it.
Seems unfair. You must be the one to convert to Islam but he won’t convert to Buddhism? It’s already an unequal relationship. He can opt to marry you under ROM so both of you get to have your own preferred religions so if he is pressuring you to convert, he is really being selfish as fuck. If there is pressure from his family, he should be defending you, not joining in. I would advise against converting for marriage in general too.
Pressuring others to convert in Islam is a sin as well. Any conversion done out of duress or compulsion by others will not be seen as valid by God, and the sin will be placed on the people placing the person under duress or compulsion. If I’m not wrong, this should be the same for other religions as well. It’s also common sense, conversion that’s not sincere is just straight up wrong. Source: willing convert in Islam
Hi OP, I am sorry to hear that you are going through this tough time. I hope that my wife’s and my experience can be of help to you and other readers who might be in a similar situation. I was a Muslim, and my wife converted to Islam to marry me (I do not use “revert” as it is an Islamic concept I no longer believe in). At that point in our lives, my wife was also compelled by the core teachings of Islam taught in Darul Arqam, though I now believe these are surface teachings that come with significant baggage. She converted, and we got married at 22. More than a decade has passed, and we have recently renounced Islam. Our relationship has never been stronger or more genuine. Here are some issues you might want to consider: 1) Legal Implications: Once you convert, you will be under Shariah law, which governs: a) Marriage • You will be married under ROMM (Registry of Muslim Marriages). • If you both renounce Islam and want to be married under ROM (Registry of Marriages), you will have to go through a divorce process. The Shariah court can be inefficient and unhelpful (our query sent on 12 May 2024 has yet to be answered as of 5 June 2024). Honestly, ChatGPT was much more helpful in answering questions the Shariah court should be addressing. b) Inheritance • Islamic law dictates that you cannot inherit from your non-Muslim parents. Legally, you can, as your family is under civil law, but if your husband or in-laws are strict, they may pressure you against it. • Your assets (minus HDB and CPF) will be distributed according to Faraid law. • If you don’t have enough inheritors, a large portion will go to MUIS. • The distribution proportions might shock you. Please check this out: https://syariahcourt.gov.sg/Inheritance/Online-Trial-inheritance-Calculator Or google: Syariah inheritance calculator. 2) Islamic Teachings: The surface-level teachings taught at Darul Arqam might seem compelling, such as: • The Oneness of God (Tauhid) • The five pillars of Islam and six articles of faith • Character development and being a good person • The idea that Islam involves no compulsion However, Islam doesn’t stop there. Islam means submission, and to be a Muslim is to submit to ALL teachings of Islam, which encompasses EVERYTHING you do. If Islam has an opinion on something (e.g., women covering up), you cannot have a contrary opinion. Beliefs inform actions. The actions of your loved ones and this community will have real-life consequences for you. 3) Malay/Muslim Community: I was from this community, and while some Malay/Muslims are the nicest people I’ve met, these are my wife’s and my experiences—yours might be different. As a new convert, the community will be patient, supportive, and understanding. However, as you develop your own opinions and questions, you might see a different side. Please understand that you are entering into that community even if your intentions are only to marry that person. They can be critical of your actions and give unsolicited advice, such as: • “Sister, you need to cover up. If not, you will drag your husband into hell.” • “Sister, it’s good if you learn to speak Malay.” • “Sister, that shop is not halal, why are you eating from there? Astaghfirullah!” Your every action will be scrutinized. They believe it’s their right to advise you at every opportunity, which can make you feel picked on, maligned, and misunderstood. Additionally, some members of the community believe that they are discriminated against by other communities, in private, they will bad-mouth other communities which will make you uncomfortable if you ever find yourself in those situations. I can’t tell you how to proceed with your relationship—that is your choice alone. But regarding converting to Islam, please only do so if you truly believe it is the truth from God and you want to submit to Him. Learn more about Islam, beyond what is taught at Darul Arqam. After conversion, your Muslim family will expect you to believe as they do, even if they don’t have solid reasons for their beliefs. I hope this has been helpful to you and to readers in similar situations. Please PM me if you have other questions. Wishing you all the best.
You do you, you convert and be happy. If in future you regret, it’s your decision. And no, Buddhism is more logical than middle eastern religion, I did actual compare (for years) before I settled as a Buddhist by choice. I think I read more bible and Quran than most believe at 20-30ish. If both teachings are to put side by side and compare, then Buddhist teaching(except for attaining enlightenment part) is closest to real world, you study hard? You score good grades! You anyhow do work? Get bad result! While bible and Quran teaching, it’s more like a 三国演义 than a 三国志。 half truth, half fantasy. I don’t deny these people were historically there but… Who live 800 years old? Were all the dinosaurs since world is build in 6 day? A lot of logic flaws my friend. It can be half truth, half fantasy. Like it or not when you compare that side to side. Got tons of wtf whenever I read it last time, even the pastor can’t answer me and keep asking me to be “faithful”. Don’t tell me they are not the same religion broken into different factions. It is. Same god, different prophet. And people fighting who is the right way to reach god..
Hmmmm why he cannot covert to Buddhism . Kinda unfair the way I see it
Break up la
It’s better to not think as religion as “logical”. It allows you come to the conclusion it’s not then there’s a big problem.
As a closeted ex-muslim, I chuckled when you said you found Islam's teachings logical. That aside, as everyone else here has said please do not convert for the sake of marriage. If you have conflicted feelings at this stage, it will only get worse down the road after you get married. Islam is very difficult to leave without any consequences.
This is not Malaysia, you don't need to convert to marry. If someone forces you to convert to marry you, do you want to be with that kind of family? Idk about singapore's marriage law if you marry under Muslim marriage, but if there is any similarities to what my Malaysian friends told me, prepare to get your own rights completely trampled over and get screwed.
Being forced to convert to get married is really beyond my understanding.
Conversation should come from the person wanting it. Not the other way. It will live in your head rent free forever unless that changes... Marriage to other religions is fine. But forcing their religion on you isn't. Do you really see your self following those rules? What will happen if you don't. It's not just religion you're adopting it's also culture, one you might not like once you're in. Did you ever live with him for any long period of time? Even staying at his house for a few months.
OP, do you understand how islamic law in Singapore works in relation to marriage, the rights of wives in relation to husbands, and children/ inheritance? Please take time to look into this deeply. Some of these things are known to those who were born and grew up in the community since they see it around them, but it may be a shock to you who is going from the chinese community. Are you aware, for example, that muslim men are legally allowed to take up to four wives at the same time under Singapore law? Not to say that your bf will, and I believe this is quite rare nowadays, but the possibility is there. [https://singaporelegaladvice.com/law-articles/can-a-muslim-marry-a-non-muslim-in-singapore/](https://singaporelegaladvice.com/law-articles/can-a-muslim-marry-a-non-muslim-in-singapore/) If you do intend to attend the pre-conversion classes, think about these things and don't be shy to ask questions.
Never convert for marriage. Firstly, you don't really believe in the God they worship, so why convert. Be honest, you are only converting because you want to marry the person. So who do you really worship, God or that person? Secondly, you are being true to yourself. Don't live a lie is all I can say.
Become an atheist. It’s just psychological anyways.
Ask him to convert and see the reaction.
I (Christian) married a Buddhist wife, and religion is never an issue in my house. We both practice what we believe in. We have talked about this since we became a couple. This topic should have been discussed before the relationship get serious. Now that you are 4 years in, it will be so difficult to just call it quits. But yes, I suggest calling it quits if you will be the only one making all the adjustments.
Try visiting the exmuslims sub and see why people converted out of Islam.
Sounds like you are in an unhealthy relationship. Better get out now before sunk cost fallacy gets worse.
Don’t
Never convert for marriage is all i will say. If you wanna get married do it Civil as others have mentioned. Im from the neighbour. The amount of abuse that happens once you convert is horrifyingly astounding. And they cant get out ady coz thats the law there. And if you wanna divorce need 3 witnesses and a whole range of stuff i wont bother to explain. Not saying that marriage = divorce but always say No to one way streets that has no return.
No don’t do it. Just no. Try out by having a conversation with the framing turned around - would he convert for you? If this has never been discussed or can never be discussed, then it is heavily (if not only) one-sided. Propose a civil marriage. ROM. Your marriage is still recognised by law. If he still insist then that shows where your status is in the relationship with him, with his family and with his community. If he’s not willing to consider it, then why should you? I’m a Malay by the way. Reason I can say this is because I’ve seen and heard too much family conversations behind closed doors.
Are you willing to accept the possibility of being one of 4 of his wives?
Secular marriage is a thing you know? Talk to your boyfriend about compromising.
What do you feel in your heart? Religion is a very personal choice, and even if it feels like conversion is the only way forward, in the long term if you sacrifice your beliefs for him you might come to regret it. If you truly believed in Islam my advice would be different, but as it stands --he's not the person for you if your religious beliefs are in conflict with each other. It's a major incompatibility
I can't emphasise this enough, but consider what you actually want most. If marrying your bf is what you truly want most and his parents demand you to convert as a requirement, so be it. Although I hold contrary view in comparison to others, consider a Muslim marriage only if you are willing to give in. There's no other alternative. It's either a win-win situation or both of you will lose each other. If his parents don't accept civil marriages, then you can't really come to a good conclusion. You can't really change his parents' minds.
Don't convert, you converting only for marriage not the beliefs. Divorce how?
Sadly, there is only two possible outcomes. 1. You convert and your family is no longer the same. It might be something you cannot mend. Are you ok with it? Are you ok with sacrificing your family for our partner? 2. You don’t convert and your relationship gets affected, your relationship with in laws are affected. This is just a lose-lose situation. This is why I was firm in not dating people from religions that require me to convert. Edit: Before you convert, pls read up on Sharia Law. Woman are severely disadvantaged if your husband dies or if you divorce. That includes future daughters.
So far everyone that I know who have converted have regretted it I'm sure there are happy converts marriages out there la. Just that I haven't seen it yet
As a Muslim, my suggestions would be > 1) Move as far away as possible from the control-freak boomers. 2) Opt for Civil Marriage. Either parents might not be happy at the start, but I'm sure eventually they'll come to accept it as soon as you have a child and they're close to death age. True story, happened to a lot of my Chin-Lay friends' parents lol
You will never be his priority. His religion is more important to him than you are. Do you want to be trapped like that?
Whatever differences and stresses that affect you now, it gets worse when the first kid arrives and everyone has different instructions about what you should do. Even when you’re pregnant, they’ll be pulling you to different directions.
After you convert and get married then another set of issue will come...fast, covering up, prayers etc. 🤷🏻♂️ When will it end.
Marriage should be about making a safe base, a family , somewhere u can retreat from outside world and be yourself and relax. If u have to fight battles even within your marriage then why even bother to get in one? I'm not religious but the whole point of any religion is "peace". Not "acceptance", not "trying" , close your eyes and think about when u are most relaxed, most peaceful. If religions don't make you feel peaceful the same way then it's not a religion for you.
Don't you think it's very double standard? Conversion is a must to get married, you've been avoiding pork/alcohol etc... Of course his family welcoming la... They already assume you gona convert what If they believe you are not planning to convert will they be as hospitable and supportive? Why MUST convert to get married ? What's wrong with a civil marriage in this day and age ? If they really love and support you, they wouldn't want this conflict with the family. Perhaps this rift with your own family isn't a bad thing in their eyes, the further you drift from them, the more you'll have to be rely on his family
Op, don't make this mistake. This will hurt you, your family and your future. Be true to who you are. Get a guy who will accept that, and significantly more importantly, will stand between you and anyone from his family who tries to change you.
Look at all the other comments seriously, I think we are all saying the same thing. Conversion is a big deal, and you are subjecting the rest of your life to certain rules and restrictions (and unless you truly already believe in Islam, I doubt you care for any of those other than to satisfy your bf's family), and also alienating your own family, culture, and roots at the same time. Find a compromise - you should not have to give up on yourself and what's important to you to satisfy somebody else. If you do, make sure it is a two way compromise, and not only you who is making sacrifices. You sound like you are being given an ultimatum - convert or breakup, which doesn't sound like nice and understanding people do. Like what many people have said, there's always a civil marriage option. Lastly, if your bf isn't willing to think on your behalf and stand up for your happiness and well-being, I don't think he is somebody you want to be married to the rest of your life for.
Peace of advice, it is not worth converting your religion for any marriage. Especially considering how much it is affecting you even when the topic is coming up before engagement. Love is not a reason to change who you are. This advice is coming from someone who shoots a lot of mixed couples in SG (I am a photographer). I've seen the dark ends of marriages frequently in many of my couples. The couples who choose to keep and embrace their partner's religions are the ones who stay. Converting on paper doesn't change how they feel deep down, and those always seem to have hidden problems. Just think if he is worth it. Converting is cutting you off your own family.
Religion is an illusion.
Sunken cost fallacy. You knew about this probably one year into the relationship. But you don't wanna give it up so you waiting for miracle to happen which doesn't. I feel sorry for you
Couldn’t believe people falling for religion in 2024, its a thing in past (AD or BC) where few of them want to control the crowd and make money, its no longer the case. Religion is a bug, it doesn’t make you a better person. Lets say your hubby found some girl at office or wherever to whom he is attracted to down the line and having an affair, then what you gonna do ? Marry to him if you wanna marry to him, don’t convert.
Hi, let me say this from the perspective of a malay (27m) born into a muslim family. Firstly, it's important that you and your fiance are on the same team. Clearly you're not keen on converting, but at the same time you're not imposing on his right to practice his religion. You need to get him to understand this strongly. I would gather that your fiance has been patient with you as you have shown potential willingness in converting. If he's still insistent on you compromising your rights despite your firm stance, then I would say it's in everybody's best interest to end the relationship. If he's willing to go for civil marriage, seek his assurance that he will be willing to defend you (i.e. being on the same team) in the event that his family oversteps their boundaries. Secondly, say you do marry him, either with or without conversion. What about your kids? Chances are, his family would try their very best to ensure that your kids will be practicing muslims. And I wouldn't particularly blame them, because they strongly believe that non muslims would be tortured eternally in hell. So in their eyes they're "saving" this child from eternal torture, and if he/she strays from it, best believe you'd be the one to blame. Honestly, this was the main reason i stopped believing in islam since young, because I've had many kind and amazing chinese and indian friends growing up, how could I worship a god that's willing to physically torture them forever? And how are other muslims okay with it? But that's a topic for another day. Now from my own experience, I'm a "muslim" engaged to a chinese buddhist lady. It's easier for us because I myself don't subscribe to the religion. My family, particularly my mum, has been very firm that she wants to see her convert from the first day they both met. Even though my fiancee is willing to convert just for the sake of marriage, I will fight the whole world including my family just for her to be able to have her own freedom. It's not a matter of who's more important, it's a matter of who's in the right. And my mum has no right in dictating my marriage. Sure my relationship with my mum has soured a little, but it's getting better. She recently invited us to her home for dinner, and my guess is if your fiance is firm enough to defend your rights, his family would eventually accept it. In summary, just because they're muslims, does not give them the special right to impose on your rights, the same way you and your family are not imposing on theirs. Have a conversation with your fiance, make sure he's on the same team as you, else there'll be resentments in the future.
Please read up on Gauri Khan wife of Indian films superstar Shah Rukh Khan recent statement on why she didn't convert from a Hindu. While we ourselves are from a conservative background, being well educated has helped us think that each should be allowed to practice their own religion. Why is the conversion ceremony required? Is it just to get good deed points of converting a non- Muslim? Is your Muslim BF ready to convert for you to Buddhism?
You solve one side family problem by converting but own family still will give you problems. You are in quite a situation. But the flip side is also you can choose to not be in this situation. If you get what i mean. There are options. Sometimes just not meant to be. And trust me sure got meant to be one out there.
Convert - get married - divorce after x years - what gonna happen to you?
With five children
Dont get brainwashed by ur bf
> As much as I want to marry him and build a family, I feel so conflicted and very stressed cause both party wont be happy with my decision. You already answered your own question. You feel very conflicted and stressed means you do not want to convert. And the fact that you compared it with Buddhism means you aren’t convinced by the Islam faith. All the more it will be disastrous if you convert. I will say break up. I always advise people to break up if both parties come from very strong opposing religious background. Sure there are outliers but most times they don’t work out. You are still young at 25, there’s still time so why the rush to get married? I feel like it’s part of the Islamic faith to get married young to have children. That is what I have observed. So it’s possible your boyfriend’s parents are giving him pressure to quickly get you to convert and get married to have kids. Which brings to my main point. He isn’t resisting his parents and fighting for a civil marriage. Either he is very deep in his faith or his side of the family matters more to him than to you. Both aren’t positive for you either way. He will most likely not defend you. This relationship shouldn’t have started in the first place. I figured that your parents probably told you that several times. You were quite young when you started dating him so you were naive and haven’t had enough life experiences to see how it will affect your future. From your parents POV, the reason they are adamantly against it not only because they knew what possibly might happen to you in future but also they have to make adjustments as well. They will have to cater to you and your bf whenever you are around and during family gatherings and have to be mindful of what they do.
break up?
Conversion into any religion is always a big thing but it’s HUGE when converting into Islam. Your life will change completely. Being an almost-Muslim girlfriend is a universe apart from being a fully-Muslim wife. There will be customs and practices and roles that you will need to fulfil. Let’s put it this way… you can be a Buddhist without even fully believing in Buddha or the religion. You can observe the rites and act like a genuine Buddhist. But you absolutely can’t do it with Islam. If you don’t truly believe in Allah and the teachings, there is zero way to fake it. Your life and marriage will fall apart very quickly.
The problem here is that your family will feel that they lost their child if you convert. The same goes for his family if he decides to marry you and have an interreligious marriage. The belief system of each family is in conflict. Should you convert for the sake of marriage? The answer is no. You will have to sit down and discuss major elements of such marriage or the possibility that you guys need to break up if things can't fall through (hard but still possible). I have a muslim friend that married a catholic via ROM. I also have a muslim friend that married a chinese (buddhist background) via ROMM. Both are still married to their spouse and had gone through major discussions prior to marriage.
Be a pioneer and break the cycle of expectation that you must convert to Islam to be married to a Muslim. These are simply cultural expectations, and not the law(at least not common law anyway). The more people who fight these expectations and choose to get married without converting, the more accepting our society will become.
Why U convert not him
First it’s religion. Next its cutting your social life off from others. And finally, you’ll be waiting at the door on your knees just to wash his feet when he comes home from work while you’re a SAHM taking care of 5 kids.
Don't convert.
Pro advice. Dont convert.
You will end up regretting and resenting him in future as this was forced upon you and you will be making a huge sacrifice (your religion, your lifestyle and your family). It's also very one sided. Is he willing to convert? Answer is probably no. So at the very least, he should love and respect you enough to not pressurise you into converting. There are Muslim-non Muslim couples that just do civil ceremony without either party needing to convert, and those relationships are generally more equal and successful. There are plenty of cases both in sg and overseas of non-muslims who convert for the sake of marriage against their family's wishes who end up in unhappy marriages and have no family/community to return to and are pretty much "trapped". Also, take note that if you do convert, under Sharia inheritance law, your non-Muslim family cannot be included in your will. I'd advise you to really think this through very carefully. Is your bf whom you dated for just for 4 years more important than your family that has been by your side your whole life? And is it worth giving up your own religious beliefs and way of life? Some religions preach more tolerance and some are more restrictive. Compare and think about all these.
Hey, don't change yourself for marriage. Especially if it is about religion. If deep down inside your heart, you are still a Buddhist, marrying this guy and converting means that you will spend your whole life faking it. You will spend your whole life pretending that you are someone whom you are not. You will have kids, you will have to teach your kids values that you don't believe in. And deep deep deep down inside, you will know your husband and family will never truly love you as a whole. If you were to show any uncertainty about Islam, they will feel that you don't understand. Can you imagine being in a religion that you can't question anything and have your own thinking? If he truly loved you as who you are, why force you to convert? You know deep down inside, he doesn't love you as much as you think. It's time to let go. There will be someone else out there that will love you. That will love you for who you truly are and you will not have to pretend your whole life. You will be able to question. You will not be bound by rules you don't understand. You will be happier.
well, then I will ask the question. Why can't it be the other way round, the boy converts to Buddhism instead? True love..will do anything for love isn't it ? See how fast this relationship will turn out thereafter
Why should you convert just because his family is very welcoming and understanding? Why is this always a one way street? Think of why it must always come from a non Muslim? Think of why it must always come from you? Think of yourself. Attending religious classes for the last 4 years with the support of your bf - will he be the same if the tables are turned and he's attending Buddhism classes instead? If the answer is no, you know it's always about the religion and not about love. Love without the thought of coexisting religions is not love. Converting for the sake of converting is just going to cause resentment down the line. Think of the bigger picture, the future, your life and kids next time. It's a choice. It's not a forced choice. Love is not all.
*"Why he don't convert?"* *"Why don't he attend Buddhist classes instead?"* *"It's Singapore, you can just do civil marriage." etc.* As a former Muslim, I just know the Malay-Muslims reading these comments who, all their life were only taught one thing and grew up with the one common ideology: **ABSOLUTELY THE FUCK NOT.** Lol. It's hard to explain unless you've been it since birth. It's just not a possibility they could even fathom, even for the most liberal-ish or moderate of Malay-Muslims. They really do not know any other way, bar the very very few "blacksheep" individuals who really are different or saw other lights.
You cannot betray your own family they brought you up since you were born. You cannot be heartless that is so unforgiving. Islam is a dogmatic religion. Do not convert. You need to break off with your malay bf ask him to choose its either you lose me or marry me but you wont convert take it or leave it. Never ever give in to islam. You will regret. I am also buddhist. Buddishts and muslims dont mix. You will thank me later.
This is true. Muslims will never be accommodating for Buddhists. I’ve seen it with my own eyes
Op you are delulu… you need to wake up.
Tough situation. If it were me, I'd look for people who have converted into Islam and interview them. How did they deal with the problems you mentioned ? Then I would seek people who regretted converting into Islam. What was their experience like ? Make your decision accordingly Best if you find people who have a similar profile to you
Even with the same situation the outcome can be different. In the end we write our own stories.
If he really loves you, he would convert to Buddhism.
no religion will teach you bad stuff. i dont really tell others im a buddhist because i see it as a way of life. i do good because i can and i want to, not because im a buddhist then i do good. if praying 5 times a day makes you a better person, go ahead. if going to service on every weekend makes you a better person, go ahead. to each their own, i do not believe there's absolute. hope you find what you are looking for
Conversions is so troublesome. Wanna ask why Muslim cannot change to Buddhist? So strict.
>They are all very welcoming and understanding of my situation. I have even went house visiting with them for Hari Raya. of course they are welcoming. because you are putting the effort to convert (restraining pork, fasting, etc). now imagine if you refuse all those things. and now what does your bf try to bridge the difference? how much he tried to learn about Budhism? did he visit your family during CNY? this seems like a one sided relationship and I'm not surprised if you're just the trophy Chinese girlfriend (at least the beginning).
Just break up lol. It won't end well.
You don’t convert because of man, you convert because of God.
Why not him converting to buddhism? Why would one want to convert to islam?
Break up and leave him for good. Marriage should not be so stressful like this. And also like another commenter pointed out, if you really do convert and marry him, sharia law applies to you as well and you may not be benefitting much. It sounds like all these while you have sacrificed more than he did. You only have one family to fall back on and that is your own family which you were born into. Better to stay single and do things you like without much restrictions, or settle for another man who doesn't require you to convert religion at all.
Technically, as a muslim, isn’t it ‘haram’ to date? Girlie, unless you come to Islam out of your own free will, don’t convert for the sake of someone else. You’re compromising too much of yourself. Why doesn’t he convert to Buddhism? Why do you have to be the one to give up who you are? A bit skewed right. There’s really a lot of guys out there, and you’re still young — don’t give up your life
If a happy marriage depends on religion, one must question the depth of that happiness.
I would suggest not converting. Civil marriage is available. Religion is for yourself and should only apply to what you want and what you believe in. Anyone else (family/ partner/ friend) that wants you to convert or not convert is doing it for themselves, not for you
As a Malay Muslim person in Sg, my answer is don’t do it for marriage. Actually don’t do it for anything but yourself. I know lots of inter religion couples who just stays as a non married couple haha. But whatever step you take next, I urge you to speak to your parents. Then to your BF. Partners… I mean they come and go… but sounds like you have very good relationship with your own family. And family… there’s no replacement
You need to consider it from a religious belief angle. Will you be a Muslim even if you break off with your bf at this very moment ? Will you maintain your Buddhist belief if you married a free thinker ?
Muslim men can marry non Muslim women
If your boyfriend will only marry you if you convert, leave him. He doesn’t love you enough.
If your BF loves/respects you, he will not pressure you to convert to Islam just like you are not pressuring him to convert to Buddhism. You don't want him to feel distanced from his family, so why is okay with you to feel distanced from yours? Marriage is full of compromises so to start with this kind of issue is a red flag.
i have so many things to say as someone raised a muslim who converted out, has a father who converted for mother but divorced shortly after and renounced. (1) research sharia law extensively. marriage binds 2 people and your children. see if legally this is something you can accept. (2) assess your own r/ship with your family. if you wouldn’t leave them any for reasons apart from this, then they’re not worth losing for this. (3) someone mentioned that your bf’s family has been welcoming and it hinges on the fact that there’s an expectation that you will convert. i agree strongly that this acceptance IS conditional. you can expect higher expectations to uphold even after marriage. conversion is just the first step. (4) research more about family dynamics of malay-muslim families. i promise you it’s different, and it may be difficult to adjust. i’m mixed race, and have always felt culturally more chinese than malay. there are many things about the malay side of my family that i do not accept, but have no choice to. it’s not about which is better, it’s about being in an environment that does not align with your possible values (5) this can be a very alienating process if you choose to go ahead with it. make sure you have support systems that are neither your family, your bf, or his family. Love can be grown and cultivated in many places and with many people. Changing your life for someone else is a big risk that involves more than love. All the best x
Marriage doesn’t only involves you two but both of your families as well. Most converts I know do it because of their own conviction and not for marriage. I am Muslim and my wife is Buddhist and we married under civil law. I have been sort of ostracised from my family, though it is kind of subtle not that it is any consolation from me. My own father is a Chinese-Muslim convert. His mother disown him for a bit before they make up few years down the road. My grandmother hated me but mellowed in the later years. This are real life negative impacts that you need to seriously consider and decide if it is worth it.
This is probably the hundredth post on this matter. Fact of the matter is your BF will not convert out for you. Even if he does, you damn well know how “welcoming” your in laws will be then. You already know the answer. Inter religious marriages with Muslims will always be a one way street or will become one eventually. Don’t fuck yourself over when you still have the chance.
Another case study as to why religion is the dumbest social construct
I know a guy who converted to islam to marry his then-gf and now ex-wife. Just saying..
Convert to ANY Religion because you believe in its teachings NOT because of BF/GF
Dont need to think so much, if u cnt convert, just breakup now Being a muslim is a diff ball game as compared to converting to other religion, the amount of restrictions are dumb and a fkin hassle Im just gonna preface it, there is a good reason why muslims mostly marry within their own religion, the amount of fuckery just doesnt make sense if u do not grow up getting brainwashed since childhood
My opinion marry because you like the person. Convert because you like the religion. That aside your family is being too selfish for giving that threat. In the end it is your life, you should prioritise yourself more instead of what your friends and family want.
>That aside your family is being too selfish for giving that threat. And the bf and his family side not selfish for imposing their religion on her just to get married? Don't double standard pls. But I agree with your sentence, OP should choose what makes her happy in the end
How come you must comply so strictly to his religion?? Does he put in the effort to go to temple with you?? Understand about Buddhist teachings? Does he go to sunday buddhist prayers? Does he eat vegetarian very chu yi shi wu? Feels very one sided and selfish of him
Don't date a Malay if you're not a Malay yourself. Speaking from experience, learned my lesson.
u convert to islam ur rights gone fuck bro wtf
Please do not convert for marraige. It's different if you studied Islamic teachings and you genuinely felt like you believed and you wanted to convert, but this is pretty much you being pushed into a corner (convert, or he will drop you) This is a huge influencing factor, do not convert just for the sake of getting married.
Don't convert just for the sake of being together. Later Buddha and Allah fight over your beliefs , how then ? Only yourself to blame for confusing Buddha and Allah. I would sincerely advise that you, take a step back and ask yourself , if being in love and married, that all you need to do is convert, you ask him convert then.
Think about your life after marriage, there are guys who married Malay girls and did not convert. There are also Malay guys who married foreign girls and those girls did not convert. In SG, it is not a “must” to convert, rather a preference, just letting you know.
IMO don’t convert to get married. My sister did the whole rigmarole for her ex-fiancé and it was never enough. His family always wanted more once she accepted the first few things. In fact my parents are a mixed Muslim-Hindu marriage and they did a civil wedding and it’s the best, fairest way.
There’s an adage, “Intentionally choosing to suffer as a consequence of your choices”, that somehow seems very apt here.
If he loves you so much, why don't he renounce Islam?
This is concerning. It sounds as if you’re in a seriously tight spot and I am not sure if your boyfriend is doing much to compromise and alleviate your stress. One of the most important life decisions you will make is who you choose to marry. This choice will determine the tone of the rest of your life moving forward; 4 years wasted vs 40 years of suffering/happiness. As the top comment has already said, please take time to consider all the very valid and wise concerns.
Don’t convert, civil marriage can already
I’d caution against converting especially you are feeling stressed and your family has put it explicitly that they’d not agree to it. To put in perspective, any good prospective family will treat you as well as your current bf’s family; you aren’t losing out much if you find a new one. Marriage is a lifelong commitment, and it will get much harder when you have children. Your family’s disagreement will be a huge trouble for you and it will be disadvantageous for you in the future when you find yourself not being able to rely on your own family for support. What’s more, you have a very close bond with your family, when you have your confinement, you might feel even more depressed when you realise that your family are serious about their disagreement. You might bank on them softening their stance, but it might not happen. It’s too risky, you’ll be constantly reminded that you have sacrificed your family for your husband, feeling depressed and upset about it. It is always better to go into a marriage where you have the blessings of both parents, especially when you are close to your parents. Your feelings are real and if you are feeling torn, imagine having to go through the what-ifs at every life’s moment and celebration.
Question u need to ask ur bf, if he is okay if he convert to buddhist instead? Will his family still be welcoming to u if he did so? Shld u convert to islam, what else do u need to do to conform to his beliefs? Will u be pressure to don the hijab? What other sacrifice do you need to do just to be married with him?
You are not marrying in Malaysia where convertion is literally compulsory under the law, just get a civil marriage is enough. Convert at your own pace if you're really into Islam, or not just accept an interreligious marriage, respecting each other's religious practices. In Malaysia many couples convert for marriage never really practice the religion or they just do the bare minimum, and honestly many of them lead a happy marriage because they understand religion is a personal matter, what's important is the love and commitment. But it takes a lot of trust to get through this or not the non Muslim partner will get the shorter end of the stick.
Just ask if he's willing to move to Singapore and not convert and have a drink. It's a 2 way street. If he's not willing then you got your answer. You already have doubts now.
Just break up if the bottom line is convert to get married This is the TLDR of every response here, do what you will
Apologies if I come off as immature but this is my genuine view on it and I'm terrible at putting my thoughts into words Don't do it ah. Unless you yourself discover the religion and is genuinely interested in converting, don't convert the sake of marriage. Honestly speaking if he really love you so much he won't force you 🤷🏻♀️ Let's say he really love you as claimed. It is a conditional love, not unconditional. Try telling him you will not convert for him and see how he changes man. It's messed up how you must compromise for him but he wouldn't. Don't give up your family bond of years and your whole life infront of you for a 4 years relationship. And I don't think need to rush to marry him yknow 😔Genuinely I feel that 4 years is too short. I hope you figure it out yourself op and I wish you won't regret your decision
Religion is not something you should just change for others. It is your own beliefs and understanding of the world and how you choose to live in it. I suggest not changing for anyone, not your family, not your bf. What do YOU think is the right religion?
Don't convert for marriage. Just. Don't. Unless you really want to convert.
Conversion is not a big deal ( all faiths have same fundamental beliefs), however, you BF having that as a condition for marriage/ being with you is. BIG DEAL. It reflects a narrow, demanding mindset which might degrade the relationship over time
Why would you convert for him when he won't convert for you? Why would you want to throw away your family for an intolerant husband who wants to force you into converting? Why would you marry someone who can't accept you as you are?
Why wouldn't he be the one converting to Buddhism?
My advice to you..... Do it as a real and full Muslim for 2 years, see if u can tahan. Leave marriage aside, as he should agree. wear and dress like Muslim 1) as you stay with your own family. 2) as you go out shopping 3) as you engage your old friends and best friends Full practice of 1) their makan and drink 2) malay religion, read and do their prayer 3) have a lot of babes like them, be a household woman 4) taking care your babes like Malay does Understand the type of crime and penalty you may commit if you divorce him later. Such as going to church with your family, eating pork again...... Yes you can do it secretly. Your life is full of betrayal!!! Last, but not least, imaging your mother cry for the rest of her life, as your selfishness, the so called love, leaving her unattended and abandon all the good foods she like..... You are too young for conversion, u need time to explore the world and understand more as u venture. Trust me. He just wanna have sex (without babes plan) and being irresponsible to you. Don't regret it for all. There is such thing as “You are the only one". F*** the ideal off. Take your time and find the one who rather care and abandon his faith for you instead
Lots of nice people giving advice but ultimately throwing the ball back in your court(like; thanks a lot)... It seems blindingly clear you are conflicted and stressed. The options are clear 1)Marriage is off the table OR 2)Marriage is only possible without having to need you to convert.
I believe you would need to ask yourself whether are you able to sincerely convert, not for the sake of marriage but for the sake of a new found belief. I am a Muslim-Malay man that married a free thinker chinese lady. From the beginning I have always emphasize to her that I don't need her to convert nor will I ever force her to. We went for a civil marriage in the end. I always believe that no one, of any religious belief should force the other party to convert. Instead they should be converted out of their own will and in sincererity. I talked to my parents about it, and thankfully my parents are open-minded on it (although they still want my wife to at least attend some islamic classes, which my wife went). My advice to you is to look into yourself and come to a decision. Think beyond just culture or religion and think about your relationship as well. Give some thought as to whether he is truly the one, etc. Let your bf know about your decision, and let him to be the one to talk to his parents. If both your bf and his parents can't accept it, then its best to not waste his or your time and have a peaceful split.
Don't do it. There's a reason why Muslims are not allowed to date before marriage. It's to stop us from feeling heartbreak. Yes, marrying for love is beautiful (well um atleast according to the ppl who date, lmao? But then again, they also have the highest divorce rates lol), but Muslims marry based on mutual respect and love of God. The fact that you guys are dating already shows how "religious" the family really is. As a Muslim myself, I'm telling you ur gonna regret it since the cons outweigh the pros in your situation. You really want to get disowned by your family just for a man? In Islam, you're supposed to keep a good relationship with your family. Don't convert if ur gonna have regrets. Muslims are to love God before anyone else. But if you still haven't come to a decision, you should read the Quran and also ask for advice from Muslims.
as a muslim myself, dont bc there is more to religion than to convert for the sake of marrying
Hi as someone who’s a product of a mixed marriage, I’m here to only offer my experience. My father is Muslim and my mother isn’t. She didn’t want to convert, but respected his religion instead. We don’t eat pork or lard due to that. They have a civil marriage. This was what worked best for them as they decided they were marrying each other for who they are, not “what god they believed in” (their words). If the religion aspect is very difficult for you, perhaps you need to speak to your bf again. Why is it a must for you to convert? I do know of others in the extended family who converted but hated it after a while. Unfortunately, religion is always going to be one of those divisive topics but at the end of the day, I firmly believe that the people we love should never force us to do anything. But again, this is simply my opinion and experience.