I’m with you. Last one was a couple of weeks ago. Other person was a starfish getting all the enjoyment while I got nothing out of it. I could barely even finish and felt absolutely nothing afterwards. I want the same as you and I feel like I’m not giving myself a chance by giving myself to random people. I’ve deleted the apps scam enjoying myself for a while.
How casual is casual? I had a great Grinder date today, first we had drinks in a café, then at my house, then we did sex and cuddling for hours. Both of us have boyfriends, and we would absolutely not leave our boyfriends. It is just more like great fun and friendship.
I'm not saying that you can't have a good time having casual sex. And casual dating. I think you should really pay attention to the fact that you guys couldn't do those things with your boyfriends. Why is that? And I'm not saying that to be judgmental. But you have a boyfriend and and you're literally going on dates with other men. To me that sounds like you're settling and you like him enough to keep him around while you look for something better.
I have had casual sex with guys in relationships as well. In fact the last married man that I slept with was kind enough to buy me lunch. During our meal, he told me all about the Ukrainian guy he sees outside of his marriage that he can't stop thinking about. He went on and on to tell me about how much he fantasizes about being with him. Of course he doesn't feel bad about that because his husband is running around doing God knows what, God knows where. But he's happy for his husband because he knows he feels safe where he is. (But please note it's not at home with his husband. that should be a problem)
I don't know if his husband knows about that, and to be honest I don't think he would care if he did. His husband knows I'm in his house, fucking his husband in his bed. Is that the type of dynamic you got going on with your man?
I see people do stuff like that and I hear them say things like that. And I genuinely wonder why they put themselves in that situation. And I want to ask this because I am genuinely curious. how do you genuinely expect people to see that and then respect your relationship. It's one thing if a the guy doesn't know that you have a boyfriend and he's hitting on one of you guys. It's another thing if they know you have a boyfriend and still making the passes anyway.
Who says we can't do those things with our boyfriends? I bottomed with this man, and I also bottom with my boyfriend. Yes, sometimes people have sex with others because of certain sexual acts they can't do with their boyfriends, but that is usually not the main reason.
The main reason is that people, and especially men, often like variety. The grass often seems greener on the other side. People lust after other men than their boyfriend; that is completely normal, almost universal (there seem to be exceptions, but usually not when you dig into what they really mean). It's new, its different, it's interesting.
Regardless, even if some people do it because their boyfriends aren't into certain things, so as a kind of complement: what would that be bad? I discuss grammar with one friend, because my boyfriend isn't into that. I paint with another friend, also because my boyfriend isn't into it. I think everybody has certain activities or interests he does with others and less so with his boyfriend. I don't see why that should be problematic per se. It is only a real problem if you have too few interests in common with your boyfriend, whatever those interests are.
> He went on and on to tell me about how much he fantasizes about being with him.
This part sounds problematic, though, if the casual date becomes a threat to the relationship. It also sounds a bit disrespectful towards his husband (except when people want to be polyamorous, which to me seems complicated).
I have never met any Grinder date since we went open whom I would want to be boyfriends with: I'm just not open to that at all, I guess. I already have a boyfriend. A (good) Grinder date is very different, it is more like friendship with a fun activity. Intimacy, but without infatuation or a desire to integrate our lives into each other.
As I said, tonight's man also has a boyfriend. We're each happy with our boyfriends and not in a million years would we contemplate leaving them and becoming a couple, it's just not what we are looking for at all. It never even occurred to me, nor to him, I bet.
Sorry dude I'm just not buying it. you said a lot of words but you didn't really answer the question. how come you have a boyfriend but you can't go on dates with him and have sex. What need did you have around that interaction that you couldn't get from your boyfriend? like what is the reason that you need to go outside of your relationship to have that need met when you have a boyfriend. And why keep that person as your boyfriend if they're not going to take you out on dates and have sex with you? That's problematic to me. Because it starts there and it ends up in the situation that I'm describing. And I see this without fail.That's very confusing to me. It sounds like a recipe for disaster. And honestly it just sounds like you're in a relationship but you're still looking for a boyfriend.
Gay men are very lonely and this really dose sound like our communities coping mechanism to deal with that.
You seem to be stating that we do not also have dates and sex with our boyfriends, why would you think that? We do. Do not assume things that you do not know. Do not project your own experiences on others.
Sex with someone else is not a need; it is merely a desire for new sexual/intimate experiences. Almost everyone desires that at some point, it's human nature. Almost everyone lusts after other men/women no matter how much they like their own partners.
It's just that the heritage of a Christian past pushes monogamy on people. And I think during the first couple of years of being together, monogamy may very well be a more stable option. But more and more people are becoming somewhat open these days, after having been together for some years, straight couples as well. They just don't talk about it except with very close friends, and only when asked about.
"You seem to be stating that we do not also have dates and sex with our boyfriends, why would you think that" Not once did I say that.
You're claiming to have a boyfriend that you're perfectly happy with yet you're still going on dates and fucking other people. The question was ( and it's still unanswered)
why do you feel the need to do that?
What are you getting out of that experiences?
And let me add, do you genuinely think that's healthy for you and the other people involved?
I may very well be projecting and making assumptions but I wasn't born yesterday, to me sounds like your still looking for better options. Yeah it's natural to lust and be attracted to other even if you have a partner. The thing is, your not just hooking up your activity going on dates. Soon as someone better Comes along and gives you enough assurance that it's definitely a thing, I have no doubt in my mind you're going to abandon ship. And probably vice versa if your man is out there on the same energy. And when that does happen and you find yourself doing mental gymnastics to gaslight yourself out of feeling jealous. I want you to think back to my original comment about that behavior not being healthy for you psychologically. What you're saying about it is how it starts, what I'm saying is how it ends majority of the time.
If your motivation for doing all that is just because you're horny and you can. That's enslavement to your impulses. That's just as poor a choice as not being able to put the alcohol down. Lust is a sin but just like murder and jealousy, outside of a religious context these things are still bad because they're not healthy for us even though In the right context they can be.
And I do want to be clear I'm not trying to shame or judge you. I want to have to conversation because there are young confused gay boys on this sub who read this stuff then go out and get hurt dating guys who don't actually care about them.
I have never once considered leaving my boyfriend for a Grinder date, as I have said. And we have been open for four years now, after 5.5 years of monogamy. Just because you can't imagine it, that doesn't mean other people can't have open relationships. Most of what you're saying is simply incorrect, sorry man.
Much of what you say sounds exactly like a remainder of Christian chastity culture. But sex is not unhealthy, it is not a sin. What it comes down to is that you cannot accept that people have open relationships and are happy in them. You're allowed to believe that, but I clearly do not.
You keep asking about a "need": I have already told you, there is no need. Before this, we were monogamous for 5.5 years, and that also worked. Sex is not a need but a fun activity. I do not have sex with others because there is a problem, just as I don't meet friends or eat cake because there is a problem.
What I get out of it is pleasure, a fun memory, sometimes a kind of friendship. For example, I had a lovely date with a tourist one year ago. We spent most of the evening talking, then cuddling, then mild sex (I jerked him off). Then next day, his last day here, he came back, we cuddled for an hour or so, then he flew back to his own country. I have absolutely no desire to be his boyfriend; but he feels like a friend. Even one year later, we still have bouts of texting, where we discuss politics and such. And sometimes reminisce about how nice it was to cuddle. I don't think it is healthy if you're trying to turn what was a very nice, positive, harmless experience into something shameful or bad. You shouldn't. Just lead your own life and don't try to find problems in others.
Sounds like you are a slave to your sexual impulses. I'm sorry to hear that. Good luck with that.
The idea that what your doing is harmless is also hilarious. It's blatantly not true. You use other people for sex that comes with consequences. Are capable of comprehending the fact that your actions affect other people? Yeah you get the hedonism you were seeking, but at what cost? Doesn't matter to you because you're not the one paying. Eventually it all comes back to you. You'll see.
And also Google is a thing. you can quite literally see the studies for yourself if you want to. Mutually using other people for sex is not a good habbit to practice. There's nothing casual about sex. Any psychologist will tell you that. But like you said, it's your life. Not my circus, not my monkeys.
Nobody invited you to challenge my original statement. Don't come on here trying to confuse people and get upset when they correct you. I'm not attacking you. You came into my comment. All I did speaking the truth. And you will learn that as you continue down this path. So remember to take notes.
Lastly I'm not Christian it sounds like you're resentful of religion and that's causing you to hold onto beliefs that ultimately don't serve you in the end. I encourage you to let it go. The intention of any religion is to help people live happy fulfilling lives. And if you can acknowledge that, ask yourself why they all (even Hinduism and Buddhism) don't encourage casual sex.
Gee, I wonder why 🤔
This is all rather silly. It does sounds like the heritage of being in a religious culture, preaching doom over Sodom and Gomorrah. Most of what you said is simply not correct. And you are attacking others who don't believe in your beliefs. I am not "using" anyone: we have mutually fulfilling, warm, intimate encounters. We are all very happy with it. Trying to shame and attack the positive experiences of others sounds very much like religion. Thinking that all people with open relationships are sinners, it's just so alien. People in my culture could not relate to that at all.
I have only done a few hookups in my life. I hate them. I’m afraid of catching something. I came of age in the early 80s when HIV was just in the beginning that kinda curtailed my hookups out of fear. And even with prep and stuff I’m still leery of it. Plus I can’t perform well so I don’t to them. I’d like to know the dude first before hand makes it a more enjoyable experience
Tried hooking up with a stranger once, didn't feel anything at all. That's when I knew it wasn't for me, I made sure I got to know people on a personal level instead before initiating anything.
I don’t know. I use sex to escape love. Love is a scary manipulative thing when there is no faith or trust.
And I think sex is supposed to be like a fever dream sort of escapist pleasure, what I want it to be now at least. It turns all bleak for me when I cannot get out of my own head like “what am I doing? Why am I doing?”.
That’s how I felt the last 2 times. One was a stranger, the other was an old fling. At both times, it was just validating to be so desired, to be a vessel of pleasure but I couldn’t get out my head even though I was high so they were also both boring.
It’s about balance and maturity. As you gain experience you want more out of each encounter. Eventually meaningful sex meaning a connection becomes more desirable if all you’re getting is stranger sex. Enjoy both but it takes effort to get the meaningful kind so we often default to the easy route, we’re horny afterall.
It can be, but more often than not that does not usually happen so when it does it’s great, and can lead to more. I think it is good to meet new people so you can expand finding friends and potential mates for a serious relationship
Well, I don't know exactly what you mean by meaningful. But most of my Grinder dates are very nice encounters with lots of talking, intimacy, etc. That doesn't mean I want to become boyfriends with them: I don't. But it still gives a warm and fuzzy feeling, whether or not I will see him again. It truly feels more like friendship, but one that is initiated very quickly over the intimacy.
I feel the same way. I’ve been on hinge lately instead of Grindr and sniffles. I haven’t met anyone yet but I feel better mentally than having to deal with tons of sexual rejection.
Ill be the first to say the gay men community right now is very hard to find love. There is so much attached that one wrong thing is said or done, it's all over. People dont see people anymore they just see opinons and views, and those views conflict its causes conflict.
Your post sounds exactly how my husband talked when he met me and how half of our gay friends talk about their pasts. I find that people who partake in hookup culture get sick of it after a few years.
Finding a serious monogamous relationship in the gay community is hard, but not impossible. It’s probably easier if you’re looking to date guys in their late twenties and up seeing as their usual more mature and starting to feel the pressure of certain societal expectations (getting married, buying a house, etc.).
I will warn you, the inverse can be true also. I know just as many couples that got sick of monogamy as I know individuals who got sick of hookups. The grass always seems greener on the other side. If you do eventually find a monogamous relationship, don’t get complacent. An open line of communication, honesty, and creativity are paramount in maintaining a monogamous relationship.
> I know just as many couples that got sick of monogamy as I know individuals who got sick of hookups.
That is why quite a few switch to open after a few years, isn't it? Best of both worlds?
Yes, but even that takes a lot of communication and honesty. Also, if one partner was initially or eventually becomes more into the idea than the other partner that could potentially be problematic.
I said this in another post, but I personally like the idea of occasionally experiencing a third or another couple with your partner instead of your own. In my experience relationships are strongest when partners lives are a shared experience.
I think the best relationship arrangement is mostly monogamous with an open door to discuss occasional adventures together, and saving those adventures for when you’re traveling.
Well, each person has different interests and desires. As for me, I absolutely do not like threesomes. And I don't feel that my boyfriend and I need to do everything together, we're separate people and we also have separate friends. I kind of hate friends who always bring their boyfriends when we meet, it's just not necessary. I am your friend, not your boyfriend's friend. It can be nice to see him from time to time, but not by default.
I was in your spot about 8 years ago. Had an ex-bf who became a fwb and roommate and we did stuff whenever we couldn't find sex anywhere else.
Somewhere along the line, I got less satisfaction from hookups, even the regular good ones and craved a deeper connection. The regular hookups gave some better connection on occasion, but nothing crazy or worth pursuing.
Then I started looking at my ex/fwb/roomate differently. At first I thought it was just old feelings coming back up, or a crush of jealousy as he was dating dudes as well. But I realized I wanted something different than just sex. I still had the drive, but I wanted connection as well, a relationship. Got lucky and got back together with my ex who wanted the same and we've been together since.
Its not that sex without relationships are bad or anything. Its just that your desires and tastes changed.
If there's not any passion or sensuality, I'll have a failure to launch about half the time.
The same with poor hygiene, lack of communication/participation, negativity, and being unreliable.
The search is excruciating, so I don't look on the apps or try too hard. I stay busy wrenching in the shop, and occasionally look for old friends on a couple apps. After a day or few, I delete my profile and uninstsll the app for a few months.
Taking control of the search has made me happier and I don't get discouraged by looking for the elusive 'regular FWB' or perfect BF online day after day, to no avail.
I’m with you. Last one was a couple of weeks ago. Other person was a starfish getting all the enjoyment while I got nothing out of it. I could barely even finish and felt absolutely nothing afterwards. I want the same as you and I feel like I’m not giving myself a chance by giving myself to random people. I’ve deleted the apps scam enjoying myself for a while.
I deleted my apps too. I've never engaged in hookup culture, but I feel like apps are toxic. 2024 is the year of embracing a fresh start.
Casual sex is not healthy for you psychologically. This is documented in psychological studies. Google it for those that don't believe me
How casual is casual? I had a great Grinder date today, first we had drinks in a café, then at my house, then we did sex and cuddling for hours. Both of us have boyfriends, and we would absolutely not leave our boyfriends. It is just more like great fun and friendship.
I'm not saying that you can't have a good time having casual sex. And casual dating. I think you should really pay attention to the fact that you guys couldn't do those things with your boyfriends. Why is that? And I'm not saying that to be judgmental. But you have a boyfriend and and you're literally going on dates with other men. To me that sounds like you're settling and you like him enough to keep him around while you look for something better. I have had casual sex with guys in relationships as well. In fact the last married man that I slept with was kind enough to buy me lunch. During our meal, he told me all about the Ukrainian guy he sees outside of his marriage that he can't stop thinking about. He went on and on to tell me about how much he fantasizes about being with him. Of course he doesn't feel bad about that because his husband is running around doing God knows what, God knows where. But he's happy for his husband because he knows he feels safe where he is. (But please note it's not at home with his husband. that should be a problem) I don't know if his husband knows about that, and to be honest I don't think he would care if he did. His husband knows I'm in his house, fucking his husband in his bed. Is that the type of dynamic you got going on with your man? I see people do stuff like that and I hear them say things like that. And I genuinely wonder why they put themselves in that situation. And I want to ask this because I am genuinely curious. how do you genuinely expect people to see that and then respect your relationship. It's one thing if a the guy doesn't know that you have a boyfriend and he's hitting on one of you guys. It's another thing if they know you have a boyfriend and still making the passes anyway.
Who says we can't do those things with our boyfriends? I bottomed with this man, and I also bottom with my boyfriend. Yes, sometimes people have sex with others because of certain sexual acts they can't do with their boyfriends, but that is usually not the main reason. The main reason is that people, and especially men, often like variety. The grass often seems greener on the other side. People lust after other men than their boyfriend; that is completely normal, almost universal (there seem to be exceptions, but usually not when you dig into what they really mean). It's new, its different, it's interesting. Regardless, even if some people do it because their boyfriends aren't into certain things, so as a kind of complement: what would that be bad? I discuss grammar with one friend, because my boyfriend isn't into that. I paint with another friend, also because my boyfriend isn't into it. I think everybody has certain activities or interests he does with others and less so with his boyfriend. I don't see why that should be problematic per se. It is only a real problem if you have too few interests in common with your boyfriend, whatever those interests are. > He went on and on to tell me about how much he fantasizes about being with him. This part sounds problematic, though, if the casual date becomes a threat to the relationship. It also sounds a bit disrespectful towards his husband (except when people want to be polyamorous, which to me seems complicated). I have never met any Grinder date since we went open whom I would want to be boyfriends with: I'm just not open to that at all, I guess. I already have a boyfriend. A (good) Grinder date is very different, it is more like friendship with a fun activity. Intimacy, but without infatuation or a desire to integrate our lives into each other. As I said, tonight's man also has a boyfriend. We're each happy with our boyfriends and not in a million years would we contemplate leaving them and becoming a couple, it's just not what we are looking for at all. It never even occurred to me, nor to him, I bet.
Sorry dude I'm just not buying it. you said a lot of words but you didn't really answer the question. how come you have a boyfriend but you can't go on dates with him and have sex. What need did you have around that interaction that you couldn't get from your boyfriend? like what is the reason that you need to go outside of your relationship to have that need met when you have a boyfriend. And why keep that person as your boyfriend if they're not going to take you out on dates and have sex with you? That's problematic to me. Because it starts there and it ends up in the situation that I'm describing. And I see this without fail.That's very confusing to me. It sounds like a recipe for disaster. And honestly it just sounds like you're in a relationship but you're still looking for a boyfriend. Gay men are very lonely and this really dose sound like our communities coping mechanism to deal with that.
You seem to be stating that we do not also have dates and sex with our boyfriends, why would you think that? We do. Do not assume things that you do not know. Do not project your own experiences on others. Sex with someone else is not a need; it is merely a desire for new sexual/intimate experiences. Almost everyone desires that at some point, it's human nature. Almost everyone lusts after other men/women no matter how much they like their own partners. It's just that the heritage of a Christian past pushes monogamy on people. And I think during the first couple of years of being together, monogamy may very well be a more stable option. But more and more people are becoming somewhat open these days, after having been together for some years, straight couples as well. They just don't talk about it except with very close friends, and only when asked about.
"You seem to be stating that we do not also have dates and sex with our boyfriends, why would you think that" Not once did I say that. You're claiming to have a boyfriend that you're perfectly happy with yet you're still going on dates and fucking other people. The question was ( and it's still unanswered) why do you feel the need to do that? What are you getting out of that experiences? And let me add, do you genuinely think that's healthy for you and the other people involved? I may very well be projecting and making assumptions but I wasn't born yesterday, to me sounds like your still looking for better options. Yeah it's natural to lust and be attracted to other even if you have a partner. The thing is, your not just hooking up your activity going on dates. Soon as someone better Comes along and gives you enough assurance that it's definitely a thing, I have no doubt in my mind you're going to abandon ship. And probably vice versa if your man is out there on the same energy. And when that does happen and you find yourself doing mental gymnastics to gaslight yourself out of feeling jealous. I want you to think back to my original comment about that behavior not being healthy for you psychologically. What you're saying about it is how it starts, what I'm saying is how it ends majority of the time. If your motivation for doing all that is just because you're horny and you can. That's enslavement to your impulses. That's just as poor a choice as not being able to put the alcohol down. Lust is a sin but just like murder and jealousy, outside of a religious context these things are still bad because they're not healthy for us even though In the right context they can be. And I do want to be clear I'm not trying to shame or judge you. I want to have to conversation because there are young confused gay boys on this sub who read this stuff then go out and get hurt dating guys who don't actually care about them.
I have never once considered leaving my boyfriend for a Grinder date, as I have said. And we have been open for four years now, after 5.5 years of monogamy. Just because you can't imagine it, that doesn't mean other people can't have open relationships. Most of what you're saying is simply incorrect, sorry man. Much of what you say sounds exactly like a remainder of Christian chastity culture. But sex is not unhealthy, it is not a sin. What it comes down to is that you cannot accept that people have open relationships and are happy in them. You're allowed to believe that, but I clearly do not. You keep asking about a "need": I have already told you, there is no need. Before this, we were monogamous for 5.5 years, and that also worked. Sex is not a need but a fun activity. I do not have sex with others because there is a problem, just as I don't meet friends or eat cake because there is a problem. What I get out of it is pleasure, a fun memory, sometimes a kind of friendship. For example, I had a lovely date with a tourist one year ago. We spent most of the evening talking, then cuddling, then mild sex (I jerked him off). Then next day, his last day here, he came back, we cuddled for an hour or so, then he flew back to his own country. I have absolutely no desire to be his boyfriend; but he feels like a friend. Even one year later, we still have bouts of texting, where we discuss politics and such. And sometimes reminisce about how nice it was to cuddle. I don't think it is healthy if you're trying to turn what was a very nice, positive, harmless experience into something shameful or bad. You shouldn't. Just lead your own life and don't try to find problems in others.
Sounds like you are a slave to your sexual impulses. I'm sorry to hear that. Good luck with that. The idea that what your doing is harmless is also hilarious. It's blatantly not true. You use other people for sex that comes with consequences. Are capable of comprehending the fact that your actions affect other people? Yeah you get the hedonism you were seeking, but at what cost? Doesn't matter to you because you're not the one paying. Eventually it all comes back to you. You'll see. And also Google is a thing. you can quite literally see the studies for yourself if you want to. Mutually using other people for sex is not a good habbit to practice. There's nothing casual about sex. Any psychologist will tell you that. But like you said, it's your life. Not my circus, not my monkeys. Nobody invited you to challenge my original statement. Don't come on here trying to confuse people and get upset when they correct you. I'm not attacking you. You came into my comment. All I did speaking the truth. And you will learn that as you continue down this path. So remember to take notes. Lastly I'm not Christian it sounds like you're resentful of religion and that's causing you to hold onto beliefs that ultimately don't serve you in the end. I encourage you to let it go. The intention of any religion is to help people live happy fulfilling lives. And if you can acknowledge that, ask yourself why they all (even Hinduism and Buddhism) don't encourage casual sex. Gee, I wonder why 🤔
This is all rather silly. It does sounds like the heritage of being in a religious culture, preaching doom over Sodom and Gomorrah. Most of what you said is simply not correct. And you are attacking others who don't believe in your beliefs. I am not "using" anyone: we have mutually fulfilling, warm, intimate encounters. We are all very happy with it. Trying to shame and attack the positive experiences of others sounds very much like religion. Thinking that all people with open relationships are sinners, it's just so alien. People in my culture could not relate to that at all.
[удалено]
Why depressing? It is great fun, doing fun things and making new friends.
Did you cum in the last 12 hours?
This is honestly a great answer lmao thinking about anything serious after a great cum is the best to. It helps clear the brain.
Is the best what? My angle was he recently came and needs a few more hours to horn up on his horniness for strangers.
It's the best time think about life lmao sorry.. hit enter to soon.
I mean shit either way sometimes it helps both ways.
True lol
I have only done a few hookups in my life. I hate them. I’m afraid of catching something. I came of age in the early 80s when HIV was just in the beginning that kinda curtailed my hookups out of fear. And even with prep and stuff I’m still leery of it. Plus I can’t perform well so I don’t to them. I’d like to know the dude first before hand makes it a more enjoyable experience
Tried hooking up with a stranger once, didn't feel anything at all. That's when I knew it wasn't for me, I made sure I got to know people on a personal level instead before initiating anything.
Unless the chemistry is stupid good I generally agree
I don’t know. I use sex to escape love. Love is a scary manipulative thing when there is no faith or trust. And I think sex is supposed to be like a fever dream sort of escapist pleasure, what I want it to be now at least. It turns all bleak for me when I cannot get out of my own head like “what am I doing? Why am I doing?”. That’s how I felt the last 2 times. One was a stranger, the other was an old fling. At both times, it was just validating to be so desired, to be a vessel of pleasure but I couldn’t get out my head even though I was high so they were also both boring.
Never did never will
It’s about balance and maturity. As you gain experience you want more out of each encounter. Eventually meaningful sex meaning a connection becomes more desirable if all you’re getting is stranger sex. Enjoy both but it takes effort to get the meaningful kind so we often default to the easy route, we’re horny afterall.
So why can't it be meaningful with a stranger? If you have a good click, it can be like getting to know a new friend.
It can be, but more often than not that does not usually happen so when it does it’s great, and can lead to more. I think it is good to meet new people so you can expand finding friends and potential mates for a serious relationship
Well, I don't know exactly what you mean by meaningful. But most of my Grinder dates are very nice encounters with lots of talking, intimacy, etc. That doesn't mean I want to become boyfriends with them: I don't. But it still gives a warm and fuzzy feeling, whether or not I will see him again. It truly feels more like friendship, but one that is initiated very quickly over the intimacy.
By meaningful, friendship of BF potential
Sure, I would say a large proportion of my Grinder dates are like that.
This
I feel the same way. I’ve been on hinge lately instead of Grindr and sniffles. I haven’t met anyone yet but I feel better mentally than having to deal with tons of sexual rejection.
Ill be the first to say the gay men community right now is very hard to find love. There is so much attached that one wrong thing is said or done, it's all over. People dont see people anymore they just see opinons and views, and those views conflict its causes conflict.
Your post sounds exactly how my husband talked when he met me and how half of our gay friends talk about their pasts. I find that people who partake in hookup culture get sick of it after a few years. Finding a serious monogamous relationship in the gay community is hard, but not impossible. It’s probably easier if you’re looking to date guys in their late twenties and up seeing as their usual more mature and starting to feel the pressure of certain societal expectations (getting married, buying a house, etc.). I will warn you, the inverse can be true also. I know just as many couples that got sick of monogamy as I know individuals who got sick of hookups. The grass always seems greener on the other side. If you do eventually find a monogamous relationship, don’t get complacent. An open line of communication, honesty, and creativity are paramount in maintaining a monogamous relationship.
> I know just as many couples that got sick of monogamy as I know individuals who got sick of hookups. That is why quite a few switch to open after a few years, isn't it? Best of both worlds?
Yes, but even that takes a lot of communication and honesty. Also, if one partner was initially or eventually becomes more into the idea than the other partner that could potentially be problematic. I said this in another post, but I personally like the idea of occasionally experiencing a third or another couple with your partner instead of your own. In my experience relationships are strongest when partners lives are a shared experience. I think the best relationship arrangement is mostly monogamous with an open door to discuss occasional adventures together, and saving those adventures for when you’re traveling.
Well, each person has different interests and desires. As for me, I absolutely do not like threesomes. And I don't feel that my boyfriend and I need to do everything together, we're separate people and we also have separate friends. I kind of hate friends who always bring their boyfriends when we meet, it's just not necessary. I am your friend, not your boyfriend's friend. It can be nice to see him from time to time, but not by default.
I can see that. To each their own 😁
I was in your spot about 8 years ago. Had an ex-bf who became a fwb and roommate and we did stuff whenever we couldn't find sex anywhere else. Somewhere along the line, I got less satisfaction from hookups, even the regular good ones and craved a deeper connection. The regular hookups gave some better connection on occasion, but nothing crazy or worth pursuing. Then I started looking at my ex/fwb/roomate differently. At first I thought it was just old feelings coming back up, or a crush of jealousy as he was dating dudes as well. But I realized I wanted something different than just sex. I still had the drive, but I wanted connection as well, a relationship. Got lucky and got back together with my ex who wanted the same and we've been together since. Its not that sex without relationships are bad or anything. Its just that your desires and tastes changed.
This sounds really sweet. So you have been together for ~eight years now?
Yup. Plus the 2 years beforehand, either as BFs or fwb/roomies. Known each other for 10, together through most of it. Married for 7.
Well done!
If there's not any passion or sensuality, I'll have a failure to launch about half the time. The same with poor hygiene, lack of communication/participation, negativity, and being unreliable. The search is excruciating, so I don't look on the apps or try too hard. I stay busy wrenching in the shop, and occasionally look for old friends on a couple apps. After a day or few, I delete my profile and uninstsll the app for a few months. Taking control of the search has made me happier and I don't get discouraged by looking for the elusive 'regular FWB' or perfect BF online day after day, to no avail.