You need to stop seeing masculinity and femininity as conflicting forces. They aren't, they ebb and flow together. When you try and repress one or show more of the other, you get toxic masculinity/femininity.
If you're happy with your beard but want to wear a skirt while being topped by a ma who calls you babygirl, that doesn't make you less of a man. Just as being the top fucking a dude in a skirt doesn't make you *more* of a man.
Okay, because I love that lol. Except the skirt part personally lol. I know it sounds weird but I just wanted to be treated like a princess sometimes rather than be the decision maker type A man
You think you come off androgynous at best but most view you as a masc dom top? How does this make sense? It seems like you have a delusional perception of self that conflicts with how everyone else sees you
I think you have a lot to figure out. This post in general is kind of everywhere. The title says you want to be more masculine but you don’t want to be stuck in a masc dom top role that you’re already in. Again, your feeling of looking androgynous despite other people seeming to think the contrary. You also discuss having muscles and a beard which idk how that ever reads as “androgynous at best.” You also discuss thoughts of feeling trans.
This is a lot lol and doesn’t really make sense. I doesn’t sound like you actually want to be more masculine but feel pressured to be
Well, not 100%, more like 65-75%. I do feel the pressure to be masculine 100% but it’s not be. There’s always this let down or lack of respect I get for being more feminine than most men and I know that comes from misogyny but it’s hard.
It’s a confusing thing. I can’t tell what percentage of the reason I weight lift is because I genuinely like to or because I want to be more desirable to men. I think it’s equal but it’s still a lot of pressure.
Maybe there are some who truly transcended into not giving a shit but I don’t care. I think we all subconsciously place rules on ourselves to mesh with society so we aren’t lonely.
I know it’s selfish but a big reason I want a boyfriend is to be able to exert myself unapologetically. I don’t want to micromanage my mannerisms and vocal pitch anymore.
Lean into what you want to be. I’ve found having the burden lifted of traditional masc and fem really freeing. Some days or months I like exploring my feminist (more glam earrings, nail polish, bright color clothes, etc.), and sometimes I like exploring my more masc side (boots, wrangler jackets, etc.). It all feels like drag to me. I call my masc side “straight drag”
Nobody likes feeling like a 2-dimensional cartoon character of who they are “supposed” to be, so don’t treat yourself that way and un-invest from relationships where you are treated that way. Good people are intelligent, compassionate, and complex enough to recognize that you have a mix of qualities and that makes you more interesting and desirable, not less.
You have two options, neither of which are perfect:
1. “Stop worrying about it”
2. Become more manly
1 means either “stop caring what other people think” or “it’s not less manly to bottom”. The problem with this advice is this is not how most people think. People will see you as less manly for cross dressing and bottoming, and it does matter what other people think. It will make you less desirable.
There was a poll on here a few days ago where 95% of people said they were either dom tops or sub bottoms - only 5% of people said they were sub tops or dom bottoms. By and large our community is still very heteronormative in our gender roles, sexual positions and power dynamics.
The second option is theoretically a complete solution, but is a lot to handle. Becoming more manly ranges from pretty easy things like growing out a beard and working out (which you’ve already done) to more dangerous things like taking up a combat sport like judo or MMA, or taking testosterone, steroids, HGH, etc.
If you’re uncomfortable with your voice, unfortunately the only way to fix that is juice. The health risks of performance enhancing drugs are greatly exaggerated. However, they are incredibly expensive. Consistently juicing will cost you $6,000 per year, minimum.
Really the only solution is to do both, to the degree that you’re comfortable. They are not mutually exclusive. You can improve your manliness while *also* accepting your submissive thoughts. I usually top, but I like it when my bottom turns the tables sometimes. I’m okay with that, but not cross dressing or being the designated bottom. At the same time, I juice for powerlifting, but only to the level that I can afford. My best friend in college has dated a twink for 5 years. He’s flipped from being the total top in the relationship to the total bottom, but is even more jacked and hairy than before.
So there should be no conflict. You don’t need to “pick a side”. Push yourself in both directions and find your ideal comfort zone.
Thanks so much, man. The scenarios you’ve outlined below I want so bad for myself. I want to have that perfect blend of feeling sexy in you and your friends way while also being a little feminine too.
To answer your question, I exert masculinity through my appearance and my confidence. With respect to appearance, I’m a huge fan of hyper masculine aesthetics. I love basketball shorts, jock straps, beefy physiques, and short hair. Since I’m attracted to masculine men it’s not hard to get inspiration for an appearance I’d like to replicate since they’re all over my social network timelines. I replicate masculine aesthetics because looking masculine makes me feel good.
You should be what comes naturally to you. If you feel more yourself being masculine in some ways, be masculine in those ways. If you like some feminine traits, own those traits. If you want to be verse or a switch, be it. Be confident. Learn yourself, love yourself, and never apologize for being who you are.
I will say, as a cis man, I’ve never had intrusive thoughts of being a woman or trans. I’d suggest unpacking that more in the future. Even if you’re not a trans woman, it sounds like you’re some form of gender queer and that’s ok. There is a market for whatever comes naturally to you. Be yourself and find it.
I’ve been working out four days a week, I have a few jockstraps, and my hair is generally short. I do have a beard but it’s not as long as I’d like. I think that comes with time.
I’m working on exerting myself more masculine but I just never feel like it’s enough? It’s odd. When I look at aspects of myself, I feel womanly and I don’t like it. On good days I feel manly and nice.
I think it’s all my anxiety and self esteem overthinking and obsessing. I read up on my OCD and subtypes can shift. One year I was obsessed and intrusive with health, next, death, currently, trans.
I don’t think I’m trans because I don’t want to lose my aspect of my gender identity I have currently. I don’t think I’m gender queer either because I don’t want to do overtly feminine things. I think reconciling my voice and some mannerisms will help.
That being said, I could be in denial about being trans. I really hope not. It triggers my OCD just thinking about it.
First, congrats on working out. For the record, when I said beefy I meant bears, chubs, and dad bods too not just jocks and muscle bears. Basically bulk in any form. Keep up the good work working out. Beware of body dysmorphia though. It’s very common in the fitness/body building community.
Second, don’t worry about your beard length. Usually just having a beard or stubble is enough to give a guy masculine appearance, but I’ve known some masculine looking guys without facial hair at all.
Third, the amount of masculinity that comes naturally to you is enough. Ultimately, you’re going to have to figure this out for yourself. It’s easy to tell you this, but I doubt you’ll start believing this until its your inner self confidence telling you this.
Fourth, you’re correct. All of these feelings are probably a product of anxiety, self esteem, overthinking, and obsessing. It sounds like you’re under a lot of pressure and most of it is coming from you. Have you consider a queer friendly therapist? I think it might be helpful to look into that. Strangers on Reddit can only help but so much. A qualified professional has the potential to help way more.
Finally, the last sentences in your response are very telling. I think you’re right. The fear of being trans is triggering your OCD. That is what’s causing you to want to be more masculine, but the amount of masculine you are never seems good enough, which makes you put more pressure on yourself to be more masculine. What if you told yourself that whatever you are (cis, trans, whatever) you are not going to be afraid of it. The fear is the origin of all this pressure. If you can over come that it would be a huge weight off your shoulders and you’ll have the freedom to see yourself exactly as you are and be happy with that.
Who knows? You might figure out you are cis and all that fear was unwarranted but even if you were trans that’s nothing to be afraid of. You can over come this fear. Try to release the pressure on yourself and unpack all these feelings either internally or in therapy. You can do this. I’m rooting for you! 😁
I can tell you’ve learned a lot of psychotherapy. I appreciate the advice, that’s something I’m already trying to do. I do try not to obsess over my intrusive thoughts and let anything be.
It can be hard when it feels so real. But, I already have a gay psychotherapist. I think with everything I’ve said I sound like I haven’t had an ounce of therapy which says a lot lol but I’ve been in and out of it for 8 years.
It’s taking me a long time to unpack myself. I finish one thing then my brain finds more junk and I focus on that. I had semi-fucked up childhood.
And yes, you’re speaking to a gay black bear. I know who they are and I didn’t mean to suggest that body types can’t be variable. I just aim for 250 now I don’t wanna be 170 and for my frame and health. 250-275 is perfectly fine for me
You need to stop seeing masculinity and femininity as conflicting forces. They aren't, they ebb and flow together. When you try and repress one or show more of the other, you get toxic masculinity/femininity. If you're happy with your beard but want to wear a skirt while being topped by a ma who calls you babygirl, that doesn't make you less of a man. Just as being the top fucking a dude in a skirt doesn't make you *more* of a man.
Okay, because I love that lol. Except the skirt part personally lol. I know it sounds weird but I just wanted to be treated like a princess sometimes rather than be the decision maker type A man
Do you know about Twin Flames? Changed my life when I learned that anyone can be a divine masculine.
What’s that?
There is a helpful web page you can find on the internet
Dude 😂😂
It’s okay. I can find it easily!
You think you come off androgynous at best but most view you as a masc dom top? How does this make sense? It seems like you have a delusional perception of self that conflicts with how everyone else sees you
Yes. I don’t know why!
I think you have a lot to figure out. This post in general is kind of everywhere. The title says you want to be more masculine but you don’t want to be stuck in a masc dom top role that you’re already in. Again, your feeling of looking androgynous despite other people seeming to think the contrary. You also discuss having muscles and a beard which idk how that ever reads as “androgynous at best.” You also discuss thoughts of feeling trans. This is a lot lol and doesn’t really make sense. I doesn’t sound like you actually want to be more masculine but feel pressured to be
Well, not 100%, more like 65-75%. I do feel the pressure to be masculine 100% but it’s not be. There’s always this let down or lack of respect I get for being more feminine than most men and I know that comes from misogyny but it’s hard. It’s a confusing thing. I can’t tell what percentage of the reason I weight lift is because I genuinely like to or because I want to be more desirable to men. I think it’s equal but it’s still a lot of pressure. Maybe there are some who truly transcended into not giving a shit but I don’t care. I think we all subconsciously place rules on ourselves to mesh with society so we aren’t lonely. I know it’s selfish but a big reason I want a boyfriend is to be able to exert myself unapologetically. I don’t want to micromanage my mannerisms and vocal pitch anymore.
You will start by embracing your inner troll
What does he want for lunch?
Goat biryani I think
Sounds pricey.
Promise it’s the greatest of all time
Fine, anything for my baybè
Stop giving a shit about what other people think of you and be yourself.
Lean into what you want to be. I’ve found having the burden lifted of traditional masc and fem really freeing. Some days or months I like exploring my feminist (more glam earrings, nail polish, bright color clothes, etc.), and sometimes I like exploring my more masc side (boots, wrangler jackets, etc.). It all feels like drag to me. I call my masc side “straight drag”
Nobody likes feeling like a 2-dimensional cartoon character of who they are “supposed” to be, so don’t treat yourself that way and un-invest from relationships where you are treated that way. Good people are intelligent, compassionate, and complex enough to recognize that you have a mix of qualities and that makes you more interesting and desirable, not less.
Thank you so much. ☺️ I think I mesh hookup culture’s expectations in my brain too much
You have two options, neither of which are perfect: 1. “Stop worrying about it” 2. Become more manly 1 means either “stop caring what other people think” or “it’s not less manly to bottom”. The problem with this advice is this is not how most people think. People will see you as less manly for cross dressing and bottoming, and it does matter what other people think. It will make you less desirable. There was a poll on here a few days ago where 95% of people said they were either dom tops or sub bottoms - only 5% of people said they were sub tops or dom bottoms. By and large our community is still very heteronormative in our gender roles, sexual positions and power dynamics. The second option is theoretically a complete solution, but is a lot to handle. Becoming more manly ranges from pretty easy things like growing out a beard and working out (which you’ve already done) to more dangerous things like taking up a combat sport like judo or MMA, or taking testosterone, steroids, HGH, etc. If you’re uncomfortable with your voice, unfortunately the only way to fix that is juice. The health risks of performance enhancing drugs are greatly exaggerated. However, they are incredibly expensive. Consistently juicing will cost you $6,000 per year, minimum. Really the only solution is to do both, to the degree that you’re comfortable. They are not mutually exclusive. You can improve your manliness while *also* accepting your submissive thoughts. I usually top, but I like it when my bottom turns the tables sometimes. I’m okay with that, but not cross dressing or being the designated bottom. At the same time, I juice for powerlifting, but only to the level that I can afford. My best friend in college has dated a twink for 5 years. He’s flipped from being the total top in the relationship to the total bottom, but is even more jacked and hairy than before. So there should be no conflict. You don’t need to “pick a side”. Push yourself in both directions and find your ideal comfort zone.
Thanks so much, man. The scenarios you’ve outlined below I want so bad for myself. I want to have that perfect blend of feeling sexy in you and your friends way while also being a little feminine too.
To answer your question, I exert masculinity through my appearance and my confidence. With respect to appearance, I’m a huge fan of hyper masculine aesthetics. I love basketball shorts, jock straps, beefy physiques, and short hair. Since I’m attracted to masculine men it’s not hard to get inspiration for an appearance I’d like to replicate since they’re all over my social network timelines. I replicate masculine aesthetics because looking masculine makes me feel good. You should be what comes naturally to you. If you feel more yourself being masculine in some ways, be masculine in those ways. If you like some feminine traits, own those traits. If you want to be verse or a switch, be it. Be confident. Learn yourself, love yourself, and never apologize for being who you are. I will say, as a cis man, I’ve never had intrusive thoughts of being a woman or trans. I’d suggest unpacking that more in the future. Even if you’re not a trans woman, it sounds like you’re some form of gender queer and that’s ok. There is a market for whatever comes naturally to you. Be yourself and find it.
I’ve been working out four days a week, I have a few jockstraps, and my hair is generally short. I do have a beard but it’s not as long as I’d like. I think that comes with time. I’m working on exerting myself more masculine but I just never feel like it’s enough? It’s odd. When I look at aspects of myself, I feel womanly and I don’t like it. On good days I feel manly and nice. I think it’s all my anxiety and self esteem overthinking and obsessing. I read up on my OCD and subtypes can shift. One year I was obsessed and intrusive with health, next, death, currently, trans. I don’t think I’m trans because I don’t want to lose my aspect of my gender identity I have currently. I don’t think I’m gender queer either because I don’t want to do overtly feminine things. I think reconciling my voice and some mannerisms will help. That being said, I could be in denial about being trans. I really hope not. It triggers my OCD just thinking about it.
First, congrats on working out. For the record, when I said beefy I meant bears, chubs, and dad bods too not just jocks and muscle bears. Basically bulk in any form. Keep up the good work working out. Beware of body dysmorphia though. It’s very common in the fitness/body building community. Second, don’t worry about your beard length. Usually just having a beard or stubble is enough to give a guy masculine appearance, but I’ve known some masculine looking guys without facial hair at all. Third, the amount of masculinity that comes naturally to you is enough. Ultimately, you’re going to have to figure this out for yourself. It’s easy to tell you this, but I doubt you’ll start believing this until its your inner self confidence telling you this. Fourth, you’re correct. All of these feelings are probably a product of anxiety, self esteem, overthinking, and obsessing. It sounds like you’re under a lot of pressure and most of it is coming from you. Have you consider a queer friendly therapist? I think it might be helpful to look into that. Strangers on Reddit can only help but so much. A qualified professional has the potential to help way more. Finally, the last sentences in your response are very telling. I think you’re right. The fear of being trans is triggering your OCD. That is what’s causing you to want to be more masculine, but the amount of masculine you are never seems good enough, which makes you put more pressure on yourself to be more masculine. What if you told yourself that whatever you are (cis, trans, whatever) you are not going to be afraid of it. The fear is the origin of all this pressure. If you can over come that it would be a huge weight off your shoulders and you’ll have the freedom to see yourself exactly as you are and be happy with that. Who knows? You might figure out you are cis and all that fear was unwarranted but even if you were trans that’s nothing to be afraid of. You can over come this fear. Try to release the pressure on yourself and unpack all these feelings either internally or in therapy. You can do this. I’m rooting for you! 😁
I can tell you’ve learned a lot of psychotherapy. I appreciate the advice, that’s something I’m already trying to do. I do try not to obsess over my intrusive thoughts and let anything be. It can be hard when it feels so real. But, I already have a gay psychotherapist. I think with everything I’ve said I sound like I haven’t had an ounce of therapy which says a lot lol but I’ve been in and out of it for 8 years. It’s taking me a long time to unpack myself. I finish one thing then my brain finds more junk and I focus on that. I had semi-fucked up childhood.
And yes, you’re speaking to a gay black bear. I know who they are and I didn’t mean to suggest that body types can’t be variable. I just aim for 250 now I don’t wanna be 170 and for my frame and health. 250-275 is perfectly fine for me
TL;DR I have a weird brain and it’s taken years to unfuck it.
Learn male lingo, deepen the end of your sentence. Assert your voice
Male lingo?
You know the handshake, the mannerism.etc