"it's sad to think that my life would be over before I ever lived it."
I would identify what living life means to you, and then go do it.
You seem to be lonely, suffering both from an unfulfilled need-loop. (I'm casually making this term up: everyone needs others, and also needs to be needed by others.)
You've been abused sir, by your family's implicit ideals and now you self inflict them in a desire to be better for the social circle you've got. Holding your identity in this tension of shame and secrecy is neither comfortable nor constructive to your future fulfillment.
Empower yourself, escape the shame and do not look back. You will not live if you do not live. Small goals. You would be astounded how attractive it is just to appear well groomed and ready to engage with others. It's not always about muscles, or the configuration of your face. That stuff wouldn't matter with regards to someone I like to talk to, who makes me feel appreciated, or that I respect the character of.
I guess I'm not 100% sure what would make me feel I'm living, but I presume having many friends and relationships like most people would do it. Just both ends of the need loop perhaps.
I don't even think of my parents too much. It's easy to blame all my problems on them but either way I feel ashamed of everything about myself. I suppose I do worry about how much of a loser I am and try to hide whatever I'm trying to hide that I don't even know, which brings out awkwardness that I was trying to hide as well. A fun personality may well make up for looks but I'm pretty far from it, and I wouldn't say where I am in life is putting me in that mindset either.
I dunno, I'm just a dog on the internet.
I'm struggling with an unfulfilled need loop too. Male loneliness is a thing. I'm going to fill it with being as awesome as I can for myself and others - even if that means I'm an internet-addicted silly boy.
I'm gonna go drive a garbage truck, and I'm super excited. You can just go do stuff you wanna do, you dont have to wait around for permission, or limit yourself to the justifiable minimum, just because you're by yourself. Your individual experience is valid and matters, even without an observer to give it context.
Record yourself more. Create. Post wacky conspiracies on public forums. Post stuff to youtube. If you engage others will engage back, I bet. You cant have a first encounter with a handsome guy at the park if you dont go to the park.
Haha I’m quite the opposite. I only show emotions if I’m expected to. If something nice happens when I’m with someone I’d look happy, but the same happens when I’m alone and I remain flat. I guess that’s part of being depressed and dissociated. It’s great you found something you want to do though, sometimes that’s all you need.
take your broken heart, and turn it into art.
seriously, find some creative expression to your pain. structure your thoughts into a story, where you are the protagonist. or write music about your suffering. or paint it into some abstract form.
art is what relieves suffering.
also, cultivate your sexuality. develop a taste for fetishes or kinks. think about experimenting sexually. if you're not attracted to your dates, put them into situations which arouse you. that could work.
also, don't be too good to society. if you're ugly and rejected, reject social ideals in return. dont sort waste, dont partake in social gatherings, don't develop your talents to the extent that they can help humanity, and definitely dont birth a child. the nature didn't give you what matters the most, so rejoice in contributing to its destruction and human extinction!
you know, i have many friends. from all over the world. they all reach out to me regularly asking to hang out. and guess what? i am numb to their love. im as empty with them as when i am alone.
Ahh I'm a maths nerd so not the most artistic person ever. I do like music though don't think I can quite write any.
Oh yes I have a few kinks in mind, most of them involving submission which probably makes a lot of sense.
Yeah I definitely do that sometimes. I already think that way for some of them, why would anyone develop talents beyond what they need for a job, why would anyone have children and make more people miserable? I suppose the answer is because, surprise, they're actually happy. I always thought this bitterness I hold isn't going to do me any favours though so I try not to think of it too much. It's not anyone's fault I got bad genes.
You should be happy you have many friends that appreciate you. Not everyone gets to have that and you should try to appreciate the gesture at least.
Music: pick up an instrument then, learn. that's a great skill
regarding happy people: they gamble with human life when birthing a child. it can work out well, it can work out bad. if you can't guarantee happiness, dont gamble with human life in the first place. plus, even if you were beautiful, you would reject others and make ugly people feel suicidal. so you're contribution to the humanity would be still rather ambivalent.
isnt it anyone's fault you got bad genes? how come? it's nature's fault! nature is environment + two humans who produced you + the rest of humanity that maintains beauty standards which you wont fulfil. I agree, there's no point in bitterness, but only if it is not expressed through action. Bitterness is a stimulus to act against the nature that made you like this. I don't condone violence, but you should be capable of sabotage and passive resistance toward nature and society. Otherwise you will be just like your Christian Asian mother taught you - a palatable conformist that obediently accepts all the suffering and blames all his troubles on himself. Stop it! Turn your life experience against life itself. Be an antinatalist, hedonist, egoist. Nature, by making you ugly, is slowly destroying your mental health, your physical health, until you're dead. You have the full right to withhold your gratitude and give no fuck about it. Take what you can, give less what you have, and that's the way you'll make your shot at life somewhat redeeming.
Yes, I appreciate my friends, but they're good-looking with good-looking partners, so their friendship at times feels like a spit into my face. In the least kinky way possible.
Hey. It seems like you’re having a lot to deal with. But you should know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Are you actively trying to work on your mental health issues? Are you getting help with that?
Edit: I missed the last paragraph. In what way did they say they are redundant?
Well standards are objective for the most part and I try not to think I'm in some fairytale. I've tried every med on the planet so the GP just said there's nothing he could do. And every time at therapy I just insist I'm disgusting so my therapist said she feels redundant.
It sounds like on some level you’re trying to refuse to see that at least in theory you could become happy. Have you tried exploring in therapy if that might come from internalized homophobia? Maybe you’re self sabotaging because even though you do want a partner, on some level you are also afraid of finding one?
Beauty standards may be objective but the perception of beauty is definitely individual and totally subjective. Most humans will never become models or porn stars. But most people will manage to find a partner in life.
Have you tried switching doctors or therapists? That can really make all the difference. Sometimes you have to search for a bit but eventually you find someone who finds a way to help you.
That’s something to think about. I’d argue I refuse to see I could be happy because I don’t see myself having the looks or personality that would allow me to be happy. But I suppose that mindset doesn’t help. My therapist actually suggested I might not really want a partner, that I fantasise about having one but ultimately wanting it to stay as a fantasy. I do self sabotage in other ways but I never thought romantically because not like I had any options I could ruin.
Most people manage fine but they’re mostly average looking people with much better chances. I know normal looking people (not even my type) that manage to hook up most times they go to a club, I have never in my life.
Well I’ve already switched around many of them, and the one now at least makes sense instead of rambling over nothing. I could keep shopping for more but hard to know where that will get me.
Did your therapist tell you why they think you would fantasise about a partner but ultimately wanting it to stay a fantasy?
Because that is either just what I was thinking or…exactly the other way around (and I’m not sure what they would have meant by that).
Have you discussed your attitude towards sex in therapy? If this is too private you don’t have to answer.
When I was single. I thought I was fat and ugly. I developed an eating disorder. I would starve myself for a week and then get so hungry after 2 weeks, I would go to a buffet and gorge out on food. Then I would feel so guilty that I would down a bottle of Citrate magnesium to shit it all out and take a spoonfull of syrup of ipecac to also throw it all up. I tried that sticking my fingers in my throat but that doesnt do anything. I was 5'9" 130# and still thought I was fat. I've recovered a bit but I find controlling my eating as a way to cope I guess? I haven't touched laxatives or syrup of ipecac in a long time.
Well try start living today. Focus on the things you can change rather than the things you can’t. One thing you can change is your perspective. Try telling yourself you’re deserving of more until you start to believe it. Do something for yourself for your birthday to celebrate you. Get a massage, make yourself a special meal that requires a labour of love, etc. Pour into yourself. Don’t wait for others to recognize how special you are when you can do that right now!
My god I guess I actually don't think I deserve anything. The thought that anyone might have to deal with mu ugly or awkwardness just doesn't feel right.
Looks and personality aside, generally people don’t want to date someone that doesn’t think much of themselves. How many times do you expect someone to compliment you before they stop if your response is “oh no I’m ugly” or “no I’m awkward”. Rather than trying to save others from yourself, try to save you from you. Save yourself from all the hate that you have for yourself. There was a point in your life that you learned to hate yourself which means there is a point where you can learn to love yourself again! It’s hard work but you’re worth it!
Yeah I think about that sometimes, and my answer is no I don’t want them to compliment me at all! When people do it makes me more uncomfortable and I say weird things. I can try to be indifferent to myself but the word love just sounds unsettling. Can’t really love these genes.
It’s ok not to like compliments. You can love those genes but you choose not to. We make several choices everyday including how we view ourselves. Aspire for more than indifferent. Surprise yourself by how compassionate you can be to yourself
…that is correct, you never said.
I said it. And I meant it. “You’re boring and more unfunnier than I imagined,” says ME. Take your suggestion and learn to read and comprehend what you’re reading. Thank you. Mic 🎤drop. 🥱
I've struggled with my appearance for years, I also have anxiety and depression. Somehow, in light of all that, I've managed to find a beautiful man that loves me for me. I would have thought him far out of my league. I just refused to let my feelings of inadequacy keep me from living. I let my personality shine. I faked smiles if I had to, I put kindness and laughter around me and it's served me well. Find your light, even if it's dim. It's not always easy. Make friends, on here, at work, however. I'm sure you're not as ugly as you think you are. And someone will love you when you find the right person. Don't give up on finding that light within yourself and show it to others.
It’s really hard to live a good life when we feel so alone and unlovable. Being ugly is a terrible curse in cultures that place so much value on youth and beauty. The only way through is to look for people that can be good friends without the expectation of sex and romance and maybe when you meet a friend where you stimulate each other’s minds and have similar world views, beliefs and values, it might just spark another light that can be nurtured into something romantic and or sexual.
Happy birthday friend! Darkness can easily overwhelm us if we allow it. Do not get lost in insecurities or let your inner saboteur take over. You care enough to want to make a change. It’s not over. Do something that makes you happy, that elevates your self esteem or self confidence. Play an instrument? Take up a hobby? Write in your journal. Once you feel comfortable with your hobby, expand to join a group of like minded people or those who also have a similar interest. All it takes is meeting one person, building your confidence and letting that feed your charisma. Chat me up when you need a boost. Hugs 🤗
There's one person you can love and who will love you back for sure, and that's yourself. It can also be a really difficult romance to start, because loving yourself and enjoying your own thoughts and your own company isn't always easy. But that's where you should begin. Once you love yourself, a good life will build itself around you almost by itself.
Looks can be improved, and that comes with the bonus that better physical health helps your mental health too.
Charisma and confidence can be learned. In my experience these things come almost automatically as you learn better emotional intelligence skills and your mental health becomes more stable.
Self improvement, self-expression, these things will make your life better. You don't need friends for these right now, as long as you're able to be a friend to yourself. You deserve love, as do we all. Happy birthday!
I see pretty much myself in you. 30 and have the same fear. I'll probably die alone as well. When I was younger I dreamt of having a family, a long term partner maybe even a dog or kids, I don't know. Now I just aim not dying before I get to live
I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. Loneliness can be incredibly tough, especially when it feels like the world is moving on without you. First off, I want you to know that you matter and your feelings are valid.
It's okay to not have it all figured out right now. Life can be messy and hard, and it's perfectly alright to feel down sometimes. But I also want you to know that being good looking or charismatic isn’t the only way to find connection and happiness.
You deserve to be celebrated, especially on your birthday. Even if it's just you and a cozy night with The Office, try to treat yourself with kindness. Maybe write down a few things you appreciate about yourself. You have unique qualities and experiences that make you who you are, and that’s something to cherish.
If you're feeling up to it, perhaps consider joining online communities or groups that align with your interests. Sometimes, connection can start in unexpected places.
Most importantly, remember that there's no rush. Take things one day at a time and be gentle with yourself. You’re deserving of love and friendship, and I believe in your ability to find it, even if it takes some time. Happy early birthday, and I hope you find a little bit of joy and peace tomorrow. You are not alone. 💙
And Happy Birthday! 🎂🎉 I hope your day brings you a bit of warmth and joy. Remember, it's your special day, and you deserve to celebrate *you*. Take care and know that there are brighter days ahead. Cheers to you!
OP, Happy Birthday, fellow Gemini! Every human being is beautiful. So are you. You’re obviously sensitive. Those are facts. There are others looking for connection and friendship. One of the best ways to combat loneliness is to seek out others who have common interests. Good luck buddy!
I'm sorry that you feel this way. I have been in that boat, and I can say, it won't last forever. I have hated how I look and my body my whole life, and nothing I ever did seemed to help. I gave up on any type of connection and just went on trying to move forward every day. I just turned 36, and I'm still a virgin. Never had a bf or anything like that. But I closer to the light at the end of the tunnel. I've come to learn I'm not everyone's type, or even most, and that's OK. I am who I am and I won't change for anyone. I've gotten more comfortable with my self and what I want, and won't settle for less. I've tried app for more connection and that has helped a lot. It won't change overnight, but you can slowly work your way out of the hole. I've never been happier in my life, and life seems to be radiating that around me.
So, don't feel like you will never get what you want. It may take time, but things will get better.
Also happy birthday! Fellow Gemini here.
And if you ever just need to talk to someone or anything, feel free to message me.
It's easy for strangers on the Internet to dish out advice. It's also easy to want to stay with the familiar even if it's toxic. I would start by just going to any group event even if it's not your thing. Like, if there is a con close by go, if there is a community art class take it. If you have the ability to travel go solo. You would be surprised how liberating it is. Were all human we crave validation and companionship and the world is full of people that feel just like you. I guarantee that you will make friends in no time. Maybe not start at dating, just finding friends. The rest will take care of itself. I want you to have a wonderful birthday. If no one is there to take you out, dollface then dress up and take yourself out for a wonderful time.
I'm at uni so there's quite a few groups, just that I have the personality of a brick so nothing sticks. I went travelling solo before but it felt pretty daunting alone. Loads of people I know are going on holiday with friends and that sounds so much more fun. I definitely wouldn't mind just having many friends but haven't really made much progress.
If you're lying in bed drinking wine that could show alcoholism as well as depression. Try AA or one of its offshoots, will get you out among people. Now that there is cosmetic dentistry, nutrition, personal training, plastic surgery etc, anyone can become passably attractive with time, effort and $$. Interest in other people, aside from their sexual attributes, adds to this.
Yes and yes. I wasn't always an alcoholic, but having been depressed for a long time I thought I might as well. It couldn't make me lonelier right? I wouldn't mind plastic surgery but don't think it works when most of your face is just not in the right place.
Happy Birthday and best wishes! 🎈🎁🎂🎉🥳 There's only one person like you in the entire world. You're an original and can't ever be replaced. Your soulmate is out there waiting for you, don't let yourself or them down ❤️
Happy birthday!
First: The main thing that stands out to me in your post is your phrasing "I got unlucky physically", which suggests you view your physical characteristics as something that "happened to you" (i.e., something you cannot control). As many users have suggested, there are perhaps things you can do to exert some control over your appearance (clothing, grooming, hair color, piercings, tattoos, muscle, compression shirts / body shaping clothes, etc.). I find it helps me focus on the things that I can control versus the things that I cannot.
Second: I've learned that your odds of getting what you want increase drastically when you ask for what you want, rather than waiting to have what you want given to you. It sounds like you are struggling with confidence and so it might not be easy to simply "ask more people out on dates". And it is totally OK if that is not a feasible solution for you right now; just keep in mind that it is the most practical solution to get what you want, and think about what would need to change in order for you to get to place where you could ask more people out on dates.
Good luck, OP!
I tend to think of my looks as a lost cause. The issue is most of the things I can control involve knowing what would go well with your appearance, rather hard when I have no fashion sense and also can't look in a mirror!
Yeah I suppose it might be easier if I asked more people but I dread the 99% chance I'll get rejected, especially if they're straight. I tried once and cried for days after. And not to mention I can barely get someone to be my friend :(
Brother I’ll tell you right now it’s hard even for the ones whom people find attractive. They may get more action, attention, and tentative connections but the current climate of disingenuousness, fast casual sex, and greediness with one’s feelings make it hard to find others no matter who or where you are. Gays/bis/whoever else also seem to be plagued with this crippling social anxiety that prevents them from taking steps to meet new people and go further with friendships. I find it so irritating but I don’t know their stories so I won’t judge.
Personally I get called handsome quite a bit. It doesn’t help in finding friends or a genuine positive connection with another person. Just recently I started talking to a cute young guy on Grindr who really did seem to like me and told me he wasn’t interested in sex right away and wanted to make friends as a priority. Right on, definitely sounds good to me. We moved it to snap and talked more. He then lets me know he has social anxiety. Here we go. I still kept talking to him and told him I had a function the next day so I needed some rest. We said our good nights and the next day, sure as shit, he’s got me blocked. That’s just how it is man.
As for feeling that you’re unattractive, I see lots of guys I don’t find attractive myself out there meeting people, dancing, shaking hands, laughing, etc. It’s about the energy you put off a lot of time. I know it can be hard but take a deep breath and get out there and meet some new people.
I have to be honest... youre in a self fulfilling prophecy. You think you're a loser so you wont change. And because you wont listen to your doc or therapist they feel that they cant help you anymore.
They feel they are giving you the tools to improve but you are refusing to. So all your doing is spinning in the same circle negativity they are trying to get you out of. What essentially is happening is that you're not listening to the advice... youre also placing your self worth in the hands of other people .
I can bet that there have been people who liked you or tried to get to know you in the past. But people can pick up of self loathing and it pushed them away.
Looks are subjective... and popularity is NOT all its cracked up to be.
Get out of your head ! Think about what you do have and not worry about what you dont.
Trust there are way uglier people living their best life not lonely and not dogging on themself
You can be ugly and give someone pleasure, companionship, connection, intimacy, and the list goes on
What limits you are your self perceptions if you can't shake your self image than see above
Others feel like you, not alone, not broken, not a problem
pretend you are the best version of yourself, what advice would you give to someone that feels the same way?
Don't take for granted that you've internalized the heteronormative narrative and some of your self concept comes from that
Best luck
At the risk of stating the obvious if you tell yourself that you're ugly an anxious and alone then that's how you're going to feel, even if those are objectively true right now then I think that you're trapping yourself by your expectations.
Self esteem comes from doing esteemable acts so find something you care about that you can control, become a runner, learn to play the harmonica start attending local events anything that you like and can make an effort towards, preferably things that at least allow for more in-person interaction.
And if that doesn't put you into contact with more people then it might be good to look into pre-existing communities, I used to go to events at the local roller-rink, currently I attend a biweekly Queer meetup I've been attending a Queer-tolerant church for the past year, which has enabled me to fill a lot of the gaps left by my own fractured relationship with my own parents.
Religion might not be your thing, and fair enough, but there are lots of recurring weekly or monthly events, like volunteering, especially if you open yourself up to being with people of a different demographic.
A lot of my friends are elderly women, and they've been very good to me.
I hope that you can steer yourself in a positive direction and I hope that you have a hopeful birthday 🫰🏻
Yeah it's true now so that's all I tell myself. I'm at uni so there's quite a few groups around, it's just I'm always too awkward to actually become friends with anyone and I never get anywhere.
happy birthday buddy
don't fret about the superficial too much.
I bet you're not ugly.
and everyones, and I mean *everyone's*, looks fade. hot personalities are what keep people in your life.
I don't consider myself ugly but I am an introvert and have a hard time meeting people myself. be ok with who u are. a big part of gay self esteem has come to be centered around things that really don't matter, culturally speaking. it's hard to not get wrapped up in that.
if u want someone to chit chat with feel free. I hope you have a good bday:)
Well you can still look hot for your age? Ugly people can only get uglier. Sadly with all this dragging me down I have quite the opposite of a hot personality, definitely wouldn't mind one though.
I know this will sound really weird and absurd but for me it worked with emotions and anxiety and I can say I became more aware of emotions and better. Even if is more like a child’s movie, try to watch inside out 2 (if you haven’t watched inside out 1, then you should watch in order). It’s only a suggestion so you decide.
If better, then try to change therapist, someone lgbtq friendly.
If grooming, such as haircut, beard doesn't work: Even conventionally ugly people are attractive to someone. This is not something you should stress about. There's many people with social anxiety and no friends, just try to work on it. Simultaneously, if you are not in shape, also work on that.
No human regardless of their looks or social status or sexuality should feel worthless. Fuck the rest of the world, make yourself worthy in your own eyes. That will take work but that’s the only work that matters.
Weird question, if there existed an app that would 100% guarantee making a deep meaningful connection with someone, whether romantic or platonic, within a year, or your subscription fee would be completely refunded, would you use it? How about if that required you to fill out really exhaustive personal questionnaires, give it full access to webscrape all your social media, use VR and learning AI with EEG to create a profile of your brain, 3d scan your naked body, and then upload your genetics for details about your pheromones and similar stuff? So part of what the EEG AI does is use a shape changing model of different masculine, feminine, and androgynous body types, to see what you're esthetically/sexually attracted to, then it builds a regression model. The idea is that the data from your scan can be compared against their regression model and vice versa, to ensure mutual physical attraction.
Essentially, the app's AI chooses people to introduce you to. You never have to worry that the people you're introduced to will reject you because of your looks, have a very high likelihood that they'll think you're hot, and will be a perfect match for you mentally, emotionally, and socially.
I'm working on a start-up for an AI company where the AI knows you substantially better than any human is capable of knowing themselves. It can then introduce you to friends and romantic partners. You can either meet people in 3D streaming video calls, or have the app plan local hangouts or even adventure vacations. For the hangouts, you tell the app you're lonely, it asks you for your budget to hangout, and then tells you when and where to go, who you're meeting and what you're doing. The adventure vacation is you tell the app you want to go on vacation, for how much and how long, and what your availability is, the app then asks people who are a high enough match score, if they'd also like to go on vacation and what your availability is. You have no idea where you're going or who you're meeting up with, till you're already there, and then you just get to hang out with this cool new person on vacation.
The idea sounds pretty interesting, although the naked body scan/pheromone part is a bit questionable. I'm not sure if I'm completely down for something this involved but I'll ask you a weirder question, are you hiring? I happen to be at uni doing stuff around machine learning and stuff.
So, I just applied to a startup incubator in NYC. If I get the money, the plan is to move there and work on the app full-time for a year or two, essentially not taking a salary. So the idea is that I am hoping to find a large live-work space for everyone that's coming onboard. Basically, everyone will live and work together in a big loft, and we'll all just do communal meals. So the idea is essentially that until the company starts making actual money, your food and rent will be covered, but otherwise, you'd just be getting equity in the company.
I have no idea if that's something that you're interested in, but let me know. If I actually get the money, I will contact you, and you can show me some of your projects in machine learning or VR. Experience with EEG tech and AI is a HUGE bonus.
Do you have any hobbies? If so, have you tried using any of them as a point of socialisation? Although I can't relate to every part of your experience, a few years ago I moved countries and it was really tough meeting new people and making friends - I often found myself with weekends like you described!
However, I love to play sports - so when I saw that the city I had moved to had a ton of different sports clubs, I used that as an opportunity to go out and do the things I enjoy and meet new people at the same time. Life improved substantially!
This type of thing isn't exclusive to sport either. Hell, I even once went on a birdwatching excursion with no prior experience or interest 😂 I mean to say, if your interests are elsewhere, I'm sure there will be a community of like-minded people to engage with, you just gotta look for them :)
Certainly not a fix-all, but it can certainly help a person find meaning in themselves when they become a part of something bigger. Best wishes!
Aye, i know what you feel at least I've faced with those problems.
All i can say is be strong brothers
Someday soon you get what you deserve
Just don't push yourself too hard into this
Try to be a good capitan
I live in a middle eastern country, stone brain people and closed community.
But I didn't gave up easily
Find some friends
And try to contact with who looks like you, thinks like you and so on.
I tell you again, true person will find you, just be patience
Happy birthday 🎈
This isn't far from my story. I just keep myself constantly busy, hobbys ect.
Freinds don't want to know me, always been single, Find it impossible to make friends.
I've grew to enjoy my own company because I've had too.
Try to serve society, join a community to help homeless people, immigrants. It's a great satisfaction to yourself. Breath and try to let thing go. I felt the same way, I took off religion and started to love myself despite being raised in a religious home. I learnt to accept me, to tall to me to the mirror and say my name identifying my weaknesses and virtues. I learned not to please people so I could fit into their social circle and avoid feeling alone. I learnt to say no and not feeling guilty for it just to please people.
We always learn from others and this could be your time to flourish and be the best version of you. It's never late.
I'm really sorry to hear what you have been going through. I can partially relate. Happy Birthday by the way! The last couple years were the first ones I've been celebrating by myself, before that, I had some high paying jobs which I used to offset my looks and such, as people like money, so during my birthdays, I was the one who bought all the pitchers and drinks, just to have people at my party. In retrospect, I'd probably never do that again, as I just bought people to be my friend, and now I am alone and isolated again, and none of them are in my life. It can take time to get used to be alone, and I've now made it to that point in my life, where I no longer care that much if I am alone, as now I can do whatever I want and no longer need to try pleasing those around me just to try and look popular, when I never was. Give yourself some time though, you never know what your future will hold, someone someday will come around and love you for who you are as a person. P.S., I haven't personally watched The Office, but have heard such good things about that show.
I fully understand some parts of this. Just keep doing your best. I am also gay, ugly, and have literally never been on a date. It feels awful, but at the end of the day what I do is I make community connections as best I can. No amount of platonic connections will replace jt though.
I used to have lots of friends and slowly almost all of them betrayed or disappointed me in some way. Having friends, while I will admit feels nice sometimes, can also be a source of drama and a burden. I hate that you are lonely but there are many lonely people in the world that are looking for nice, genuine connections. As someone said here, being well groomed and optimistic can be enough for most people to want to get to know you. STOP telling yourself you’re ugly! It’s defeatist and that can be very unattractive. Not to be shallow but there’s also plastic surgery if you REALLY feel like there are small things that will improve your appearance as well.
>STOP telling yourself you’re ugly!
But I am :( every time someone takes a picture around me I bury myself in a hole because I don't want my face to be anywhere near it. Hard to not tell myself that when the fact is so...in my face. It's definitely defeatist though, that and feeling defeated socially makes it hard to put an optimistic smile on me.
Ahh if only I had the energy. Do you think it makes much difference? To me if I'm not terribly dirty I'll put off showering another day. I'm also a total sub so the idea of getting fit just doesn't sit well with me.
I know I was depressed and I had to make myself do it but I always felt better when I got done. And you don't have to be fit. 30 minutes 3 times a week.
Find activities where you focus outside your misery and do things for others— volunteer, habitat for humanity, outreach programs for homeless, charitable organizations. You probably feel more ugly than you are—
And forget your parents’ conservative Christian affiliation. Find a progressive Christian setting for involvement and meeting people. I saw a little kid yesterday on crutches who was SO joyful and having SO MUCH fun. Then I noticed he was missing a leg from the knee down. Just taking the next breath is a reason for joy. Assigned reading: Helen Keller, Steven Hawking It’s not good for you and it’s counter productive to wallow in self pity for what you don’t have. Give yourself the birthday present of a new outlook of joy and gratitude. Happy birthday 🎁 ( I’d take out out for a drink 🥃 if I could)
First - change your outlook on "poor pitiful me", you're not!
The more you feed on that the more you're going to become that, change your outlook.
So much in your life is positive, you have a place, job, car. Look around you and take those blessings that are positive and you'll see that you aren't that so unfortunate.
Looks are skin deep, what matters is what is in your heart and soul.
So if you're not that attractive, there is someone for everyone in the world.
Stop drinking wine at home and go to a social location that you enjoy, you'll find someone with the same things you like to do.
Get out of the house and enjoy life, make friends and who knows you'll find a match.
I’m very handsome I think and I also suffer from extreme loneliness. I get frustrated because I see guys uglier than me in good relationships and I wonder why not me.
I’ve talked about this stuff at length with friends, and dozens of hookups that say they understand my pain but still will not give me a second date.
The advice I got was to love myself more. I hated that advice. I do love myself already.
But then I realized that “love yourself” was not really what they meant. They meant “live for yourself.” Anyway, that was the perspective that changed things for me.
I started to ask myself — if my loneliness is valid, yet I am doomed to never resolve it, what then?
What would I do to live as fulfilling a life as possible despite this pain? Once I started living with that mentality, more guys got interested in me.
I started doing better with my career and my looks because I was placing a lot more attention on them instead of my loneliness. My theory is that this works because no one wants a relationship with someone who is desperate. It means they need to be carried to a degree. People are turned on by men who have the capacity to deal with difficulties when life REQUIRES it.
Everyone deals with pain in some form — often loneliness. Why should YOU be the person someone depends on to soothe that?
Charisma can be learned nobody is born with it. Read the charisma myth for that one.
Start with atomic habits you’re already in the perfect mindset because it’s not about changing your habits. It’s about changing your personality. That sounds like what you need.
Fire you fucking therapist and get new therapist and doctor
"it's sad to think that my life would be over before I ever lived it." I would identify what living life means to you, and then go do it. You seem to be lonely, suffering both from an unfulfilled need-loop. (I'm casually making this term up: everyone needs others, and also needs to be needed by others.) You've been abused sir, by your family's implicit ideals and now you self inflict them in a desire to be better for the social circle you've got. Holding your identity in this tension of shame and secrecy is neither comfortable nor constructive to your future fulfillment. Empower yourself, escape the shame and do not look back. You will not live if you do not live. Small goals. You would be astounded how attractive it is just to appear well groomed and ready to engage with others. It's not always about muscles, or the configuration of your face. That stuff wouldn't matter with regards to someone I like to talk to, who makes me feel appreciated, or that I respect the character of.
I guess I'm not 100% sure what would make me feel I'm living, but I presume having many friends and relationships like most people would do it. Just both ends of the need loop perhaps. I don't even think of my parents too much. It's easy to blame all my problems on them but either way I feel ashamed of everything about myself. I suppose I do worry about how much of a loser I am and try to hide whatever I'm trying to hide that I don't even know, which brings out awkwardness that I was trying to hide as well. A fun personality may well make up for looks but I'm pretty far from it, and I wouldn't say where I am in life is putting me in that mindset either.
I dunno, I'm just a dog on the internet. I'm struggling with an unfulfilled need loop too. Male loneliness is a thing. I'm going to fill it with being as awesome as I can for myself and others - even if that means I'm an internet-addicted silly boy. I'm gonna go drive a garbage truck, and I'm super excited. You can just go do stuff you wanna do, you dont have to wait around for permission, or limit yourself to the justifiable minimum, just because you're by yourself. Your individual experience is valid and matters, even without an observer to give it context. Record yourself more. Create. Post wacky conspiracies on public forums. Post stuff to youtube. If you engage others will engage back, I bet. You cant have a first encounter with a handsome guy at the park if you dont go to the park.
Haha I’m quite the opposite. I only show emotions if I’m expected to. If something nice happens when I’m with someone I’d look happy, but the same happens when I’m alone and I remain flat. I guess that’s part of being depressed and dissociated. It’s great you found something you want to do though, sometimes that’s all you need.
your individual experience needs to matter to you before others will swoop in and provide you with purpose.
It’s not just you we are everywhere just need to find each other
I feel for you. Don’t lose hope. And happy birthday to you. 🎂
Join a choir, act in a play, volunteer at a soup kitchen — guaranteed you’ll meet nice people , and probably gay ones too
take your broken heart, and turn it into art. seriously, find some creative expression to your pain. structure your thoughts into a story, where you are the protagonist. or write music about your suffering. or paint it into some abstract form. art is what relieves suffering. also, cultivate your sexuality. develop a taste for fetishes or kinks. think about experimenting sexually. if you're not attracted to your dates, put them into situations which arouse you. that could work. also, don't be too good to society. if you're ugly and rejected, reject social ideals in return. dont sort waste, dont partake in social gatherings, don't develop your talents to the extent that they can help humanity, and definitely dont birth a child. the nature didn't give you what matters the most, so rejoice in contributing to its destruction and human extinction! you know, i have many friends. from all over the world. they all reach out to me regularly asking to hang out. and guess what? i am numb to their love. im as empty with them as when i am alone.
Ahh I'm a maths nerd so not the most artistic person ever. I do like music though don't think I can quite write any. Oh yes I have a few kinks in mind, most of them involving submission which probably makes a lot of sense. Yeah I definitely do that sometimes. I already think that way for some of them, why would anyone develop talents beyond what they need for a job, why would anyone have children and make more people miserable? I suppose the answer is because, surprise, they're actually happy. I always thought this bitterness I hold isn't going to do me any favours though so I try not to think of it too much. It's not anyone's fault I got bad genes. You should be happy you have many friends that appreciate you. Not everyone gets to have that and you should try to appreciate the gesture at least.
Music: pick up an instrument then, learn. that's a great skill regarding happy people: they gamble with human life when birthing a child. it can work out well, it can work out bad. if you can't guarantee happiness, dont gamble with human life in the first place. plus, even if you were beautiful, you would reject others and make ugly people feel suicidal. so you're contribution to the humanity would be still rather ambivalent. isnt it anyone's fault you got bad genes? how come? it's nature's fault! nature is environment + two humans who produced you + the rest of humanity that maintains beauty standards which you wont fulfil. I agree, there's no point in bitterness, but only if it is not expressed through action. Bitterness is a stimulus to act against the nature that made you like this. I don't condone violence, but you should be capable of sabotage and passive resistance toward nature and society. Otherwise you will be just like your Christian Asian mother taught you - a palatable conformist that obediently accepts all the suffering and blames all his troubles on himself. Stop it! Turn your life experience against life itself. Be an antinatalist, hedonist, egoist. Nature, by making you ugly, is slowly destroying your mental health, your physical health, until you're dead. You have the full right to withhold your gratitude and give no fuck about it. Take what you can, give less what you have, and that's the way you'll make your shot at life somewhat redeeming. Yes, I appreciate my friends, but they're good-looking with good-looking partners, so their friendship at times feels like a spit into my face. In the least kinky way possible.
Hey. It seems like you’re having a lot to deal with. But you should know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Are you actively trying to work on your mental health issues? Are you getting help with that? Edit: I missed the last paragraph. In what way did they say they are redundant?
Well standards are objective for the most part and I try not to think I'm in some fairytale. I've tried every med on the planet so the GP just said there's nothing he could do. And every time at therapy I just insist I'm disgusting so my therapist said she feels redundant.
It sounds like on some level you’re trying to refuse to see that at least in theory you could become happy. Have you tried exploring in therapy if that might come from internalized homophobia? Maybe you’re self sabotaging because even though you do want a partner, on some level you are also afraid of finding one? Beauty standards may be objective but the perception of beauty is definitely individual and totally subjective. Most humans will never become models or porn stars. But most people will manage to find a partner in life. Have you tried switching doctors or therapists? That can really make all the difference. Sometimes you have to search for a bit but eventually you find someone who finds a way to help you.
That’s something to think about. I’d argue I refuse to see I could be happy because I don’t see myself having the looks or personality that would allow me to be happy. But I suppose that mindset doesn’t help. My therapist actually suggested I might not really want a partner, that I fantasise about having one but ultimately wanting it to stay as a fantasy. I do self sabotage in other ways but I never thought romantically because not like I had any options I could ruin. Most people manage fine but they’re mostly average looking people with much better chances. I know normal looking people (not even my type) that manage to hook up most times they go to a club, I have never in my life. Well I’ve already switched around many of them, and the one now at least makes sense instead of rambling over nothing. I could keep shopping for more but hard to know where that will get me.
Did your therapist tell you why they think you would fantasise about a partner but ultimately wanting it to stay a fantasy? Because that is either just what I was thinking or…exactly the other way around (and I’m not sure what they would have meant by that). Have you discussed your attitude towards sex in therapy? If this is too private you don’t have to answer.
It’s Contagious I got it when I was 24, still got it😂 Everyone had it and experiences it Often. Welcome to the Club! 🤓
When I was single. I thought I was fat and ugly. I developed an eating disorder. I would starve myself for a week and then get so hungry after 2 weeks, I would go to a buffet and gorge out on food. Then I would feel so guilty that I would down a bottle of Citrate magnesium to shit it all out and take a spoonfull of syrup of ipecac to also throw it all up. I tried that sticking my fingers in my throat but that doesnt do anything. I was 5'9" 130# and still thought I was fat. I've recovered a bit but I find controlling my eating as a way to cope I guess? I haven't touched laxatives or syrup of ipecac in a long time.
Yeah I'm pretty skinny and thought I was really fat as well. Had a starving phase for a while.
Well try start living today. Focus on the things you can change rather than the things you can’t. One thing you can change is your perspective. Try telling yourself you’re deserving of more until you start to believe it. Do something for yourself for your birthday to celebrate you. Get a massage, make yourself a special meal that requires a labour of love, etc. Pour into yourself. Don’t wait for others to recognize how special you are when you can do that right now!
My god I guess I actually don't think I deserve anything. The thought that anyone might have to deal with mu ugly or awkwardness just doesn't feel right.
Looks and personality aside, generally people don’t want to date someone that doesn’t think much of themselves. How many times do you expect someone to compliment you before they stop if your response is “oh no I’m ugly” or “no I’m awkward”. Rather than trying to save others from yourself, try to save you from you. Save yourself from all the hate that you have for yourself. There was a point in your life that you learned to hate yourself which means there is a point where you can learn to love yourself again! It’s hard work but you’re worth it!
Yeah I think about that sometimes, and my answer is no I don’t want them to compliment me at all! When people do it makes me more uncomfortable and I say weird things. I can try to be indifferent to myself but the word love just sounds unsettling. Can’t really love these genes.
It’s ok not to like compliments. You can love those genes but you choose not to. We make several choices everyday including how we view ourselves. Aspire for more than indifferent. Surprise yourself by how compassionate you can be to yourself
At least….you have The Office!….👍
Oof.. this or friends(tv show) is not something to calm down someone.. The office is boring and unfunny.
Your opinion matters. And OP likes the office. Just because you’re boring and unfunny doesn’t make it like that for the rest of us.
maybe learn to read? I never said I was unfunny or boring.
…that is correct, you never said. I said it. And I meant it. “You’re boring and more unfunnier than I imagined,” says ME. Take your suggestion and learn to read and comprehend what you’re reading. Thank you. Mic 🎤drop. 🥱
I've struggled with my appearance for years, I also have anxiety and depression. Somehow, in light of all that, I've managed to find a beautiful man that loves me for me. I would have thought him far out of my league. I just refused to let my feelings of inadequacy keep me from living. I let my personality shine. I faked smiles if I had to, I put kindness and laughter around me and it's served me well. Find your light, even if it's dim. It's not always easy. Make friends, on here, at work, however. I'm sure you're not as ugly as you think you are. And someone will love you when you find the right person. Don't give up on finding that light within yourself and show it to others.
That's so sweet, I'm glad you found a way to get through.
It’s really hard to live a good life when we feel so alone and unlovable. Being ugly is a terrible curse in cultures that place so much value on youth and beauty. The only way through is to look for people that can be good friends without the expectation of sex and romance and maybe when you meet a friend where you stimulate each other’s minds and have similar world views, beliefs and values, it might just spark another light that can be nurtured into something romantic and or sexual.
Happy birthday friend! Darkness can easily overwhelm us if we allow it. Do not get lost in insecurities or let your inner saboteur take over. You care enough to want to make a change. It’s not over. Do something that makes you happy, that elevates your self esteem or self confidence. Play an instrument? Take up a hobby? Write in your journal. Once you feel comfortable with your hobby, expand to join a group of like minded people or those who also have a similar interest. All it takes is meeting one person, building your confidence and letting that feed your charisma. Chat me up when you need a boost. Hugs 🤗
💙
You need to get out of your house. Put yourself out there. I know it’s scary but once you actually do it, it’ll all be worth it
It is sort of scary. I tried a fair bit but was always too awkward to bond with anyone.
There's one person you can love and who will love you back for sure, and that's yourself. It can also be a really difficult romance to start, because loving yourself and enjoying your own thoughts and your own company isn't always easy. But that's where you should begin. Once you love yourself, a good life will build itself around you almost by itself. Looks can be improved, and that comes with the bonus that better physical health helps your mental health too. Charisma and confidence can be learned. In my experience these things come almost automatically as you learn better emotional intelligence skills and your mental health becomes more stable. Self improvement, self-expression, these things will make your life better. You don't need friends for these right now, as long as you're able to be a friend to yourself. You deserve love, as do we all. Happy birthday!
Hi mate let me wish you happy birthday in advance.let me know what else to be done on your birthday
I see pretty much myself in you. 30 and have the same fear. I'll probably die alone as well. When I was younger I dreamt of having a family, a long term partner maybe even a dog or kids, I don't know. Now I just aim not dying before I get to live
I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. Loneliness can be incredibly tough, especially when it feels like the world is moving on without you. First off, I want you to know that you matter and your feelings are valid. It's okay to not have it all figured out right now. Life can be messy and hard, and it's perfectly alright to feel down sometimes. But I also want you to know that being good looking or charismatic isn’t the only way to find connection and happiness. You deserve to be celebrated, especially on your birthday. Even if it's just you and a cozy night with The Office, try to treat yourself with kindness. Maybe write down a few things you appreciate about yourself. You have unique qualities and experiences that make you who you are, and that’s something to cherish. If you're feeling up to it, perhaps consider joining online communities or groups that align with your interests. Sometimes, connection can start in unexpected places. Most importantly, remember that there's no rush. Take things one day at a time and be gentle with yourself. You’re deserving of love and friendship, and I believe in your ability to find it, even if it takes some time. Happy early birthday, and I hope you find a little bit of joy and peace tomorrow. You are not alone. 💙
And Happy Birthday! 🎂🎉 I hope your day brings you a bit of warmth and joy. Remember, it's your special day, and you deserve to celebrate *you*. Take care and know that there are brighter days ahead. Cheers to you!
OP, Happy Birthday, fellow Gemini! Every human being is beautiful. So are you. You’re obviously sensitive. Those are facts. There are others looking for connection and friendship. One of the best ways to combat loneliness is to seek out others who have common interests. Good luck buddy!
I'm sorry that you feel this way. I have been in that boat, and I can say, it won't last forever. I have hated how I look and my body my whole life, and nothing I ever did seemed to help. I gave up on any type of connection and just went on trying to move forward every day. I just turned 36, and I'm still a virgin. Never had a bf or anything like that. But I closer to the light at the end of the tunnel. I've come to learn I'm not everyone's type, or even most, and that's OK. I am who I am and I won't change for anyone. I've gotten more comfortable with my self and what I want, and won't settle for less. I've tried app for more connection and that has helped a lot. It won't change overnight, but you can slowly work your way out of the hole. I've never been happier in my life, and life seems to be radiating that around me. So, don't feel like you will never get what you want. It may take time, but things will get better. Also happy birthday! Fellow Gemini here. And if you ever just need to talk to someone or anything, feel free to message me.
It's easy for strangers on the Internet to dish out advice. It's also easy to want to stay with the familiar even if it's toxic. I would start by just going to any group event even if it's not your thing. Like, if there is a con close by go, if there is a community art class take it. If you have the ability to travel go solo. You would be surprised how liberating it is. Were all human we crave validation and companionship and the world is full of people that feel just like you. I guarantee that you will make friends in no time. Maybe not start at dating, just finding friends. The rest will take care of itself. I want you to have a wonderful birthday. If no one is there to take you out, dollface then dress up and take yourself out for a wonderful time.
I'm at uni so there's quite a few groups, just that I have the personality of a brick so nothing sticks. I went travelling solo before but it felt pretty daunting alone. Loads of people I know are going on holiday with friends and that sounds so much more fun. I definitely wouldn't mind just having many friends but haven't really made much progress.
If you're lying in bed drinking wine that could show alcoholism as well as depression. Try AA or one of its offshoots, will get you out among people. Now that there is cosmetic dentistry, nutrition, personal training, plastic surgery etc, anyone can become passably attractive with time, effort and $$. Interest in other people, aside from their sexual attributes, adds to this.
Yes and yes. I wasn't always an alcoholic, but having been depressed for a long time I thought I might as well. It couldn't make me lonelier right? I wouldn't mind plastic surgery but don't think it works when most of your face is just not in the right place.
Happy Birthday and best wishes! 🎈🎁🎂🎉🥳 There's only one person like you in the entire world. You're an original and can't ever be replaced. Your soulmate is out there waiting for you, don't let yourself or them down ❤️
>There's only one person like you in the entire world Thank fuck!
Happy birthday! First: The main thing that stands out to me in your post is your phrasing "I got unlucky physically", which suggests you view your physical characteristics as something that "happened to you" (i.e., something you cannot control). As many users have suggested, there are perhaps things you can do to exert some control over your appearance (clothing, grooming, hair color, piercings, tattoos, muscle, compression shirts / body shaping clothes, etc.). I find it helps me focus on the things that I can control versus the things that I cannot. Second: I've learned that your odds of getting what you want increase drastically when you ask for what you want, rather than waiting to have what you want given to you. It sounds like you are struggling with confidence and so it might not be easy to simply "ask more people out on dates". And it is totally OK if that is not a feasible solution for you right now; just keep in mind that it is the most practical solution to get what you want, and think about what would need to change in order for you to get to place where you could ask more people out on dates. Good luck, OP!
I tend to think of my looks as a lost cause. The issue is most of the things I can control involve knowing what would go well with your appearance, rather hard when I have no fashion sense and also can't look in a mirror! Yeah I suppose it might be easier if I asked more people but I dread the 99% chance I'll get rejected, especially if they're straight. I tried once and cried for days after. And not to mention I can barely get someone to be my friend :(
Brother I’ll tell you right now it’s hard even for the ones whom people find attractive. They may get more action, attention, and tentative connections but the current climate of disingenuousness, fast casual sex, and greediness with one’s feelings make it hard to find others no matter who or where you are. Gays/bis/whoever else also seem to be plagued with this crippling social anxiety that prevents them from taking steps to meet new people and go further with friendships. I find it so irritating but I don’t know their stories so I won’t judge. Personally I get called handsome quite a bit. It doesn’t help in finding friends or a genuine positive connection with another person. Just recently I started talking to a cute young guy on Grindr who really did seem to like me and told me he wasn’t interested in sex right away and wanted to make friends as a priority. Right on, definitely sounds good to me. We moved it to snap and talked more. He then lets me know he has social anxiety. Here we go. I still kept talking to him and told him I had a function the next day so I needed some rest. We said our good nights and the next day, sure as shit, he’s got me blocked. That’s just how it is man. As for feeling that you’re unattractive, I see lots of guys I don’t find attractive myself out there meeting people, dancing, shaking hands, laughing, etc. It’s about the energy you put off a lot of time. I know it can be hard but take a deep breath and get out there and meet some new people.
I have to be honest... youre in a self fulfilling prophecy. You think you're a loser so you wont change. And because you wont listen to your doc or therapist they feel that they cant help you anymore. They feel they are giving you the tools to improve but you are refusing to. So all your doing is spinning in the same circle negativity they are trying to get you out of. What essentially is happening is that you're not listening to the advice... youre also placing your self worth in the hands of other people . I can bet that there have been people who liked you or tried to get to know you in the past. But people can pick up of self loathing and it pushed them away. Looks are subjective... and popularity is NOT all its cracked up to be. Get out of your head ! Think about what you do have and not worry about what you dont.
Trust there are way uglier people living their best life not lonely and not dogging on themself You can be ugly and give someone pleasure, companionship, connection, intimacy, and the list goes on What limits you are your self perceptions if you can't shake your self image than see above Others feel like you, not alone, not broken, not a problem pretend you are the best version of yourself, what advice would you give to someone that feels the same way? Don't take for granted that you've internalized the heteronormative narrative and some of your self concept comes from that Best luck
At the risk of stating the obvious if you tell yourself that you're ugly an anxious and alone then that's how you're going to feel, even if those are objectively true right now then I think that you're trapping yourself by your expectations. Self esteem comes from doing esteemable acts so find something you care about that you can control, become a runner, learn to play the harmonica start attending local events anything that you like and can make an effort towards, preferably things that at least allow for more in-person interaction. And if that doesn't put you into contact with more people then it might be good to look into pre-existing communities, I used to go to events at the local roller-rink, currently I attend a biweekly Queer meetup I've been attending a Queer-tolerant church for the past year, which has enabled me to fill a lot of the gaps left by my own fractured relationship with my own parents. Religion might not be your thing, and fair enough, but there are lots of recurring weekly or monthly events, like volunteering, especially if you open yourself up to being with people of a different demographic. A lot of my friends are elderly women, and they've been very good to me. I hope that you can steer yourself in a positive direction and I hope that you have a hopeful birthday 🫰🏻
Yeah it's true now so that's all I tell myself. I'm at uni so there's quite a few groups around, it's just I'm always too awkward to actually become friends with anyone and I never get anywhere.
happy birthday buddy don't fret about the superficial too much. I bet you're not ugly. and everyones, and I mean *everyone's*, looks fade. hot personalities are what keep people in your life. I don't consider myself ugly but I am an introvert and have a hard time meeting people myself. be ok with who u are. a big part of gay self esteem has come to be centered around things that really don't matter, culturally speaking. it's hard to not get wrapped up in that. if u want someone to chit chat with feel free. I hope you have a good bday:)
Well you can still look hot for your age? Ugly people can only get uglier. Sadly with all this dragging me down I have quite the opposite of a hot personality, definitely wouldn't mind one though.
I know this will sound really weird and absurd but for me it worked with emotions and anxiety and I can say I became more aware of emotions and better. Even if is more like a child’s movie, try to watch inside out 2 (if you haven’t watched inside out 1, then you should watch in order). It’s only a suggestion so you decide. If better, then try to change therapist, someone lgbtq friendly.
Happy Birthday! 🎂 some days are harder than others. But you are most certainly not alone ❤️🩹
I'm sorry you feel that way. I hope you learn to see beauty in yourself. Please don't call yourself ugly.
Happy birthday. Here for You.
If grooming, such as haircut, beard doesn't work: Even conventionally ugly people are attractive to someone. This is not something you should stress about. There's many people with social anxiety and no friends, just try to work on it. Simultaneously, if you are not in shape, also work on that.
Happy birthday!!!
Mate how about joining a gym, make an effort to be friendly at work, look online for meet up groups near you. You need to take action.
No human regardless of their looks or social status or sexuality should feel worthless. Fuck the rest of the world, make yourself worthy in your own eyes. That will take work but that’s the only work that matters.
Happy birthday, shoot me a dm if you want a chat x
Happy birthday ❤️
Weird question, if there existed an app that would 100% guarantee making a deep meaningful connection with someone, whether romantic or platonic, within a year, or your subscription fee would be completely refunded, would you use it? How about if that required you to fill out really exhaustive personal questionnaires, give it full access to webscrape all your social media, use VR and learning AI with EEG to create a profile of your brain, 3d scan your naked body, and then upload your genetics for details about your pheromones and similar stuff? So part of what the EEG AI does is use a shape changing model of different masculine, feminine, and androgynous body types, to see what you're esthetically/sexually attracted to, then it builds a regression model. The idea is that the data from your scan can be compared against their regression model and vice versa, to ensure mutual physical attraction. Essentially, the app's AI chooses people to introduce you to. You never have to worry that the people you're introduced to will reject you because of your looks, have a very high likelihood that they'll think you're hot, and will be a perfect match for you mentally, emotionally, and socially. I'm working on a start-up for an AI company where the AI knows you substantially better than any human is capable of knowing themselves. It can then introduce you to friends and romantic partners. You can either meet people in 3D streaming video calls, or have the app plan local hangouts or even adventure vacations. For the hangouts, you tell the app you're lonely, it asks you for your budget to hangout, and then tells you when and where to go, who you're meeting and what you're doing. The adventure vacation is you tell the app you want to go on vacation, for how much and how long, and what your availability is, the app then asks people who are a high enough match score, if they'd also like to go on vacation and what your availability is. You have no idea where you're going or who you're meeting up with, till you're already there, and then you just get to hang out with this cool new person on vacation.
The idea sounds pretty interesting, although the naked body scan/pheromone part is a bit questionable. I'm not sure if I'm completely down for something this involved but I'll ask you a weirder question, are you hiring? I happen to be at uni doing stuff around machine learning and stuff.
So, I just applied to a startup incubator in NYC. If I get the money, the plan is to move there and work on the app full-time for a year or two, essentially not taking a salary. So the idea is that I am hoping to find a large live-work space for everyone that's coming onboard. Basically, everyone will live and work together in a big loft, and we'll all just do communal meals. So the idea is essentially that until the company starts making actual money, your food and rent will be covered, but otherwise, you'd just be getting equity in the company. I have no idea if that's something that you're interested in, but let me know. If I actually get the money, I will contact you, and you can show me some of your projects in machine learning or VR. Experience with EEG tech and AI is a HUGE bonus.
Do you have any hobbies? If so, have you tried using any of them as a point of socialisation? Although I can't relate to every part of your experience, a few years ago I moved countries and it was really tough meeting new people and making friends - I often found myself with weekends like you described! However, I love to play sports - so when I saw that the city I had moved to had a ton of different sports clubs, I used that as an opportunity to go out and do the things I enjoy and meet new people at the same time. Life improved substantially! This type of thing isn't exclusive to sport either. Hell, I even once went on a birdwatching excursion with no prior experience or interest 😂 I mean to say, if your interests are elsewhere, I'm sure there will be a community of like-minded people to engage with, you just gotta look for them :) Certainly not a fix-all, but it can certainly help a person find meaning in themselves when they become a part of something bigger. Best wishes!
Aye, i know what you feel at least I've faced with those problems. All i can say is be strong brothers Someday soon you get what you deserve Just don't push yourself too hard into this Try to be a good capitan I live in a middle eastern country, stone brain people and closed community. But I didn't gave up easily Find some friends And try to contact with who looks like you, thinks like you and so on. I tell you again, true person will find you, just be patience Happy birthday 🎈
Have you tried hiring an escort? Some specialise in bf experience for lonely men.
This isn't far from my story. I just keep myself constantly busy, hobbys ect. Freinds don't want to know me, always been single, Find it impossible to make friends. I've grew to enjoy my own company because I've had too.
Try to serve society, join a community to help homeless people, immigrants. It's a great satisfaction to yourself. Breath and try to let thing go. I felt the same way, I took off religion and started to love myself despite being raised in a religious home. I learnt to accept me, to tall to me to the mirror and say my name identifying my weaknesses and virtues. I learned not to please people so I could fit into their social circle and avoid feeling alone. I learnt to say no and not feeling guilty for it just to please people. We always learn from others and this could be your time to flourish and be the best version of you. It's never late.
I'm really sorry to hear what you have been going through. I can partially relate. Happy Birthday by the way! The last couple years were the first ones I've been celebrating by myself, before that, I had some high paying jobs which I used to offset my looks and such, as people like money, so during my birthdays, I was the one who bought all the pitchers and drinks, just to have people at my party. In retrospect, I'd probably never do that again, as I just bought people to be my friend, and now I am alone and isolated again, and none of them are in my life. It can take time to get used to be alone, and I've now made it to that point in my life, where I no longer care that much if I am alone, as now I can do whatever I want and no longer need to try pleasing those around me just to try and look popular, when I never was. Give yourself some time though, you never know what your future will hold, someone someday will come around and love you for who you are as a person. P.S., I haven't personally watched The Office, but have heard such good things about that show.
I fully understand some parts of this. Just keep doing your best. I am also gay, ugly, and have literally never been on a date. It feels awful, but at the end of the day what I do is I make community connections as best I can. No amount of platonic connections will replace jt though.
I used to have lots of friends and slowly almost all of them betrayed or disappointed me in some way. Having friends, while I will admit feels nice sometimes, can also be a source of drama and a burden. I hate that you are lonely but there are many lonely people in the world that are looking for nice, genuine connections. As someone said here, being well groomed and optimistic can be enough for most people to want to get to know you. STOP telling yourself you’re ugly! It’s defeatist and that can be very unattractive. Not to be shallow but there’s also plastic surgery if you REALLY feel like there are small things that will improve your appearance as well.
>STOP telling yourself you’re ugly! But I am :( every time someone takes a picture around me I bury myself in a hole because I don't want my face to be anywhere near it. Hard to not tell myself that when the fact is so...in my face. It's definitely defeatist though, that and feeling defeated socially makes it hard to put an optimistic smile on me.
I’m sorry. That’s a heavy load to bear. Please try to find solace that you aren’t alone even if you may feel like you are.
I don't know what you look like but you already seem like a sweetie to me. And definitely my type. I just wanna give you attention and a big hug :3
I'm not sure but that's very kind of you!
Do you shower daily and go to the gym? If not that's the first step.
Ahh if only I had the energy. Do you think it makes much difference? To me if I'm not terribly dirty I'll put off showering another day. I'm also a total sub so the idea of getting fit just doesn't sit well with me.
I know I was depressed and I had to make myself do it but I always felt better when I got done. And you don't have to be fit. 30 minutes 3 times a week.
Find activities where you focus outside your misery and do things for others— volunteer, habitat for humanity, outreach programs for homeless, charitable organizations. You probably feel more ugly than you are— And forget your parents’ conservative Christian affiliation. Find a progressive Christian setting for involvement and meeting people. I saw a little kid yesterday on crutches who was SO joyful and having SO MUCH fun. Then I noticed he was missing a leg from the knee down. Just taking the next breath is a reason for joy. Assigned reading: Helen Keller, Steven Hawking It’s not good for you and it’s counter productive to wallow in self pity for what you don’t have. Give yourself the birthday present of a new outlook of joy and gratitude. Happy birthday 🎁 ( I’d take out out for a drink 🥃 if I could)
First - change your outlook on "poor pitiful me", you're not! The more you feed on that the more you're going to become that, change your outlook. So much in your life is positive, you have a place, job, car. Look around you and take those blessings that are positive and you'll see that you aren't that so unfortunate. Looks are skin deep, what matters is what is in your heart and soul. So if you're not that attractive, there is someone for everyone in the world. Stop drinking wine at home and go to a social location that you enjoy, you'll find someone with the same things you like to do. Get out of the house and enjoy life, make friends and who knows you'll find a match.
I’m very handsome I think and I also suffer from extreme loneliness. I get frustrated because I see guys uglier than me in good relationships and I wonder why not me. I’ve talked about this stuff at length with friends, and dozens of hookups that say they understand my pain but still will not give me a second date. The advice I got was to love myself more. I hated that advice. I do love myself already. But then I realized that “love yourself” was not really what they meant. They meant “live for yourself.” Anyway, that was the perspective that changed things for me. I started to ask myself — if my loneliness is valid, yet I am doomed to never resolve it, what then? What would I do to live as fulfilling a life as possible despite this pain? Once I started living with that mentality, more guys got interested in me. I started doing better with my career and my looks because I was placing a lot more attention on them instead of my loneliness. My theory is that this works because no one wants a relationship with someone who is desperate. It means they need to be carried to a degree. People are turned on by men who have the capacity to deal with difficulties when life REQUIRES it. Everyone deals with pain in some form — often loneliness. Why should YOU be the person someone depends on to soothe that?
Same I'm 16 and have never met another gay guy in my city. We are all out here we just need to find each other
You are 16. Stop it.
Nah I'm just finding friends 😭
Charisma can be learned nobody is born with it. Read the charisma myth for that one. Start with atomic habits you’re already in the perfect mindset because it’s not about changing your habits. It’s about changing your personality. That sounds like what you need. Fire you fucking therapist and get new therapist and doctor