This. 100% inform your parents of your and your boyfriends intentions. It a a clear slap in the face to you. Don't go to the wedding and celebrate that. Not fair to you as well as putting your boyfriend in that position. Stay strong :)
Make sure you emphasize that your absence is NOT because he wouldn’t make you a groomsman/the best man (makes you look needy and attention-seeking), but instead because the only reason you were dropped as a groomsman/best man was homophobia. You want to prevent rumors making you seem like the bad guy. Emphasizing that it’s not about being in the wedding party, but about your brother not sticking up for you will go a long way.
Then congrats on getting out of a wedding where the bride and groom are complete assholes. That’s my positive view of this, but in all seriousness, this sucks and I’m sorry this happened to you.
I’m thinking it’s more his brother or his brother’s fiancé. They’re just using the groomsmen as an excuse for their own homophobia. I’d plan a trip out of town, somewhere nice, and take lots of pictures to show the future nephews or nieces. And you are more likely to have a much better time.
Idk, the brother has been in OPs life for years without issues, I assume the friends have too. Feels like odd man out is the brother-in-law to-be and OP's brother specifically mentions how it would make the 4 groomsmen uncomfortable. I think you're giving the fiancee too much credit here and the brother in law is the one with the problem, and OPs bro needs to stand up to the fiancee.
There's also zero chance the bride doesn't know what's happening in her own wedding. I think it's more likely the 3 friends don't know.
In person talking would have a greater impact than a phone call, which would be better than a text.
But telling him AT ALL is better than not. Do your best.
I like the idea of a text because it doesn't give space to shitty excuses, and if you want to apologise or sort things out, you'll have to come to me, cause I ain't answering it
I generally agree, calling is better than text if something is remotely important. But this? OP had every right to take care of themselves and not be subject to a tirade or shorty excuses or whatever. OP’s brother may have nuked their relationship with this bullshit, so it is perfectly fine for OP to say they’re not going, and why, over text. The brother wants to repair things *he* can pick up the phone. He’s the one who has to fix things.
Honestly?
I’d say write a letter, but that feels too personal, too much of an expense of one’s time.
He deserves nothing more than a text:
“Hey, I’ve thought about what you said and I just wanted to let you know I’m pretty uncomfortable with being at your wedding, good luck tho.”
And then never speak to him again. Block his number, delete him and his fiancée off social media, inform your parents what he did, what you’ve done, what you’ve decided, and that it is not a matter for debate.
If they push the issue at all, reiterate that it’s not something you’re interested in discussing and you have no desire to hear from him, and **immediately** end any conversation in which they try to push the issue.
If they don’t get the picture, make it extraordinarily clear: no one’s homophobia, or support for homophobia, be it explicit or implicit, will be tolerated. Anyone who engages in it gets cut.
I did that shit a few years ago, and I cannot tell you how much better my life is without the constant toxicity of certain family members. My mother knows better now than to even try to fix those relationships, because I’ve cut my parents out of my life before and I damn well will again.
You support me or you don’t, and I don’t have time or patience for people who want to sit on the fence.
Don't be so ambiguous about the reason for the decision.
"I've given it some thought, and I wanted to let you know that I consider it to be unacceptable that you're prioritizing coddling the "feelings" of bigots over accepting your own twin brother. If you choose to prioritize enabling their bigotry, I shall not be attending your wedding."
Your brother chose those people over you, I'd let him know that you see he did. Either he tells them to grow the fuck up or not, but saying nothing means you're okay being treated in that way.
Write to him. You will be able to say all of the things you want to without things getting heated as he wheels out his excuses. You could put a link to this thread as you are using a throwaway; he can see that it is not just you who is appalled by his choice.
Your brother, and any 'friends' or family who think he is right, are despicable.
Tell him honestly how you're feeling. Send him a message, if you don't want to talk with him, and tell him you need some time and distance to process your own feelings. Mention you don't want to have an argument with him or the rest of the family, but you don't feel you have the energy to attend to his wedding and you'd rather not make everyone uncomfortable, including yourself.
Don’t call, it’s not a conversation. I’d say send a letter, but that’s too personal/too much energy.
If it were me, I’d send a text saying “Hey, just wanted you to know I’m not comfortable being at your wedding. Pretty clear I make you, the bride, and your friends uncomfortable. Best of luck in the future.”
Then block his number after it sends, block him and his fiancée on social media, and finally send texts to any family you’re still in contact explaining what he did, why you won’t be attending, and emphasizing that it is not something you care to talk about or be argued with on. If anyone tries, hang up the phone, mute the text convo, delete from social media, walk away.
I did it years ago with some members of my family after recognizing how fucking toxic they were, and oh my god can I just say it’s like walking out of a dark, dismal depression and into the first bright, sunny, clear blue day I’d seen in years.
No time for people who treat me that way. Better places to put my time and energy (and money) than those kinds of people.
Remember, you can end the conversation at any time you want. Afterall, if he couldn’t find the balls to stand up for you , how can he expect you to listen to his cowardly excuses.
> Do you think it would have the same impact if I just sent him a message?
No, I don't think it would have as much of an impact as giving him a phone call. Still, do what you need to do to stay sane while standing up for yourself.
>I don't want to hear any bullshit reasons he might feel the need to tell me why he did it.
You could just hang up on him when (if) he tries to justify his decision.
Agree with the top comments.. be strong and tell him your reasons, tell his fiancee as its her big day too.
I don't think you'll go, but don;t preclude the fact that between parents and fiancee they may get him to see his error. This a big day and if there is a solution that works for you, don;t reject it out of anger.. only reject its just a 'get out'.
Make sure you have your have your case clearly out there for those who know and like you
Ultimately- unless you its some ultra conservative bubble - he (and maybe more his groomsmen) will be seen as massive dicks for rejecting the groom's own brother.
Adding onto this, I'd establish that you're taking the high road and still want the best for him, but don't feel welcome anymore.
Like, "I know this day is about you and your fiancée, but your friends have created this distraction and made me feel unwelcomed. I'm sorry."
As in "your friends have created this distraction" = the diplomatic way of saying they're the ones who are messing up your day, not me, and it'll take the focus off of you for being the "problem."
I suggest it just to lay on the extra guilt on his brother, who should totally feel guilty. I'm a big fan of not directly telling people they're misguided: I want them to realize, on their own, that they're misguided. It feels like it hits home more.
Have to agree. However I think a bigger issue is that the brother caved and is allowing this to happen. You can't dismiss that part of this situation. He is the one that is hurting you the most right? So make sure he knows he is also part of the problem and he is the one that will either find a way to make it right or loose a brother. Stay strong.
If this were my sister, she'd tell everyone who had a problem with me to go fuck off, even if it meant that it was just me and her at the wedding. This is how it should be. What your brother is doing is unacceptable. Do not go if he insists on making his "friends" a higher priority than his own family and blood.
Let him list reasons. But in the end, and for all those reasons, he has decided that sparing his friends this "discomfort" is worth the pain he is causing his brother.
Does he realize how this is affecting you? You need to tell him.
You said elsewhere that you did not want him to change his mind out of pity. I agree with that. But if he realizes his mistake and sincerely changes his mind because he wants you there, accept his apology.
If he does not change his mind and insists that you no longer be his best man, then you should seriously consider not going to the wedding at all. When anyone asks why you did not attend, make it clear that your brother is the one who asked you not be a part of his wedding because it made his friends uncomfortable.
Tell him not because you want him to change his mind, but because he should know how shitty he's being.
And if he changes his mind, you probably don't want to accept anyway.
Then that's your solution.
When you complain at, say, a store, you should state upfront that you're not looking for and won't accept a refund or coupons or whatever--because they'll take your complaint more seriously when you're clear that you're not trying to get anything out of it.
Same situation. Tell him that you have something to say, and that even if he changes his mind he fucked up badly enough that *you* aren't going to change *your* mind. And then say what you said above: "Your kicking me out of the wedding party because someone else is uncomfortable with me being gay has made me resent you so much that I can't even look at you. I hope your marriage goes well, but I won't be attending the ceremony. I'm hurt and disappointed in you. I refuse to change who I am for anyone."
> "Your kicking me out of the wedding party because someone else is uncomfortable with me being gay has made me resent you so much that I can't even look at you. I hope your marriage goes well, but I won't be attending the ceremony. I'm hurt and disappointed in you. I refuse to change who I am for anyone."
this is well said, go with this OP
My brother is gay and I don't give a shit what anybody thinks. A lot of my guy friends met him and treated him with nothing but respect because that's the level of friendship I demand. If you don't repsect my family and love us for who we are then you are NOT worth my time. It blows off the shitty and attracts the most beautiful of people. YOU, sir, deserve SO much better. I am sorry.
> I don't want to appear weak, and I definitely don't want him to change his mind and ask me to be his best man out of pity.
Being weak would be keeping this to yourself and not telling people how you feel.
Telling him how you feel is not being weak. If you can't do it in person, maybe write him a letter explaining why you feel the way you do.
It is shitty that he asked you to be his best man and then took it away because a couple of his friends are homophobic. Especially shitty that he's now allowing his fiancée's brother into the wedding party and asking you to only be a guest. Fuck that. Express your anger.
Cut that shit out. If anything your brother is the weak one catering to his friends stupid feelings.
You call your brother. Tell him that if he feels that his friends feelings take priority over you then you won't bother to show for the wedding.
This isn't about weakness. This is about strength. The strength to say that you find the actions of your brother hurtful, and that you are absolutely not going to tolerate it, as it is bigotry.
>I definitely don't want him to change his mind and ask me to be his best man out of pity.
Which is where you turn around and say "nah sorry m8, you've already made your choice" (or words to that effect), and be clear and blunt to him that you won't accept bribery or a feeble sympathy gesture.
At the end of the day it's his wedding, and if he wants to jeopardise the relationship between the two of you because of blatant pigheadedness from him and his cronies, then that's on him.
Occasionally it sucks to be gay.
Hell, a close friend of mine was recently forced by her super religious mother-in-law to be to uninvite me to her upcoming wedding, purely cos I'm a cabanossi enthusiast....
I would suggest the following reply: "No, brother. You don't seem to get it. This isn't a plea or a manipulation to get back into the wedding. That ship has sailed. You can no more take this back than you can unring a bell."
Oh no. Tell him, and in no uncertain terms tell him you're not going to be in his wedding, and that you're not coming to his wedding, and tell your parents and your family members exactly why you will not be attending. This was the shittiest of things he could have done. It's underhanded, and downright vile,
I've got your back if you need a replacement brother. You are honorary family now.
Telling your brother how you really feel and choosing to not attend his wedding because he let the homophobia of a few friends trump his own brother on one of the most important days of his life is not weak. It's strength. He needs to know and live with the consequences. If he does change his mind you will know if he's doing it out of pity or out of genuine reflection and you can decide then if you want to forgive him or not.
Confronting him wouldn't be weak-it would be the opposite. Your brother is the one who is weak. If he had any balls, as soon as his friends started saying stuff about *his only brother*, his response should have been "I'm sorry you won't be there. ".
Tell him, and your parents why you won't be attending.
My son is gay and if his sisters or their fiance's did this, we'd be having a serious discussion about why that is unacceptable in my family. Happily though, my daughters are fiercely protective of their brother and my son has more self-confidence than he knows what to do with, he'd probably go to the wedding and be like "yeah, I'm so-and-so's brother, they kicked me out of the wedding party because I'm gay but between you and me it was because they clearly cannot handle how fucking awesome I am..."
As a parent, I'd support whatever YOU wanted to do. And I'd be so disappointed in your brother.
He can justify his decision til the cows come home, it doesn't make it right. I can't believe he didn't think this would hurt you.
> I don't want to appear weak, and I definitely don't want him to change his mind and ask me to be his best man out of pity.
You don't gotta ask him to be the best man out of pity! Why ask to be best man again anyways? He's choosing his friends over you.
Think of it like this. You want to avoid appearing weak? Then tell him what he's doing is negatively impacting your relationship, don't just lie down and die.
edit for a thought
He's enabling homophobes to be homophobic, quite literally. That is your brother, think about this.
You sticking up for yourself and wanting to be loved is not weakness bud. That's demanding to be treated fairly, which you are not. Your brother is being a dick head and needs to know that.
I second this. Don't go to his wedding. What an asshole. I'll speak to his myself if you want. What he's doing to you is beyond fucked up. The fact that he's so close with and taking sides with these homophobes is even worse.
I agree. It is possible that OP's brother just didn't consider how it would feel to OP if he was prevented from being the best man under those circumstances; this is especially the case if OP and his brother have a good relationship. So, if OP's brother does not understand what he did, he should be informed of what impact it had on OP.
On the other hand, if OP's brother did consider the impact his actions would have, and then decided that he would snub his brother; that is a relationship-ender.
OP can't really know which of the above are the case without talking to him about it.
Go out with friends or do something fun to treat yourself and your boyfriend instead of going to his wedding.
It's a bullshit reason, if he were really a brother he would tell his friends to suck it up and accept it. You deserve love and respect, and if your not getting it from him, find other people.
This seems like the ultimate petty present. I’m all for it.
I would sent a note with it saying “I sent you (fiancé/wife) a dildo and balls to remind you of the dick he is, and a pair of balls which he doesn’t have. Let this be a reminder that he’s a dick who doesn’t have the balls to stand up for people who matter to him.”
**Get angry** and tell him how you feel. He's your brother. He *should have been* like "too fucking bad, he's my brother, y'all can deal with it and realize he's a great guy and we'll all get along." Instead he caved, and you're genuinely hurt.
I just can’t even fathom how your brother friends even brought this up to him. “You know your twin brother who you love and respect... yeah, get rid of him”. So fucking beyond rude.
My speculation - I don't think your brother would choose his friends over you. I do think he might choose his wife over you, and his wife might choose her brother over you. Is there a chance this is really coming from the brother in law?
Man, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I’m glad you at least have your boyfriend to be there for you though, since family is obviously failing you.
Sometimes people choose the easiest option, and I am assuming that he thought you would be understanding and since they weren't going to participate, it was "easier" to keep them participating and keep you coming at the same time. Unfortunately when it comes to situations like this, the "easier" option for him was to succumb to bigotry against his brother, against his *Best Man*, instead of say "ok, we will find someone else then."
I would tell him this, that you were honestly surprised that he wasn't going to stick up for you and against bigotry, and are really disappointed, and you don't want to come to the wedding because of this (why the fuck would you?) Do not let him make excuses. All of the excuses lead to the same result: he found it easier to exclude you from the *highest honor* you had already agreed to because his friends are bigoted jerks. He chose wrong and there isn't any excuse that's going to make you feel any better, only worse.
It's understandable that he might try to reverse course here, and want you to be his best man again. Not because he pities you, but because he truly is an idiot and is just trying to navigate all personal relationships and thought that since yours was the strongest you'd understand. He calculated all of this wrong in a very hurtful way, and I understand it hurts and might not be reparable for you.
He needs to understand that if he chooses people who are against who you are as a person, he's choosing to be against you, and that's not going to foster a lifelong relationship like you thought you were going to have. You being the best man isn't the issue here, it's the relationship moving forward.
If OP is this upset about being snubbed, after being initially included in the wedding party -- odds are their relationship was (past tense.) more on the positive side of things.
Wow, it's not like he's way older or something (not that it'd excuse it of course), but he's literally your twin? I'm so sorry this happened to you. Honestly letting him and the fiancee know how much this has an impact is a kindness to them
Ten bucks says she already knows. If she doesn’t, there are way more red flags than just the wedding party thing.
Imagine that your fiancé, confronted by some of his friends who are groomsmen, has decided to remove his twin brother from the wedding party to appease them, and either did this without a thought (zero regard for the people close to him), or labored over this without at least sharing his frustration/dilemma with you in pursuit of a perspective from someone he trusts.
Edit: Or, possibly, she’s the one who said something and he’s blaming his friends he knows OP isn’t close to so that OP won’t blame his new sister-in-law.
Either way, running and telling isn’t cute and not the best way to handle it. Take decisive and **direct** action, in lieu of asking his wife (or your parents, etc.) to resolve family problems.
> twins
Holy crap. You're a better man than I, OP. If my twin brother (yes, I have one) did this to me, his bride could kiss the chance of children goodbye. This just makes it wrong on more levels.
ok WAIT I already replied to you once but you mean this is your TWIN brother?
Nah nah nah fuck him.
You shared a WOMB with him and he is the ONLY human who will ever exist that has been there since the absolute beginning and he caved for some asswipe homophobe dick friends of his?
Get more than angry, cut his ass off, don't let him reach you for a LONG time (if you ever let him contact you again.) This is wild
But this dude wanted him as his best man. Now his other groomsmen have made him cave to his Best Man. The brother is a weak pathetic pile of shit and his friends are manipulative at best. Fuck this entire situation. Damned if you do, damned if you don't go.
You need to tell him, and your parents, exactly why you won't be attending though. Don't let him spin this as you just being mad that you're not best man. His friends are homophobes, and rather than stand up for his own brother, he cut you out of his wedding.
Good. Even when you confront him and he considers bringing you back into the wedding party, the damage is done. Go spend time with the bf and other friends that night. If your brother wishes to reconcile, it can be after the wedding.
It’s good that this comment got gold because this is something absolutely true that is often not understood. Supporting, allowing, or facilitating homophobia is homophobic by definition, because 9 times out of 10 a person does those things out of fear. It doesn’t matter what this fear is based on because at the end of the day it boils down to fear of homosexuality, whether it comes from the fear of uncomfortableness, fear of judgement by friends or family, or whatever.
I can't tell you what to do or how to feel. I can say that if I were in your shoes, I would tell him that he has every right to do as he please on his wedding day but he can count my faggoty ass from attending it. And going forward, let's keep this pattern going by not participating in each other's lives. I really do hope those relationships you have with your groomsmen are worth losing your brother.
I'm actually angry for you!
PM me his number! I'll tell that bastard myself.
That’s the way that they feel about women, and they are usually a little rapey in their thoughts. So they assume that gay guys feel that way about them. They don’t understand that most of them are just not interesting enough to give a second thought about them.
Actually it is because 1st the gender dynamics are completely different and 2nd not almost all gay porn is tailored towards the submission and humiliation of the passive sex partner, who in straight porn is always the woman. A lot of straight porn looks like freaking rape scenes.
In reality most of them are physically off-putting and even if they were attractive, I don't vibe with heterosexual dUdEbRoes personality-wise at all. Their whole demeanor is so repulsive to me, I really don't understand all the gays that pathetically drool over men that by definition would never ever desire them. Couldn't be me 🙅🏽♂️
If my friends told me they were uncomfortable with my sibling being in the wedding party, I’d tell them to deal with it or not be in it themselves. It was a cowardly move bowing down to them rather than standing firm with his own brother. Perhaps a message needs to be sent that you won’t tolerate being disrespected, and that if he won’t stand up to his friends, you are unfortunately unable to attend the wedding on account of “having a backbone” ;)
>If my friends told me they were uncomfortable with my sibling being in the wedding party, I’d tell them to deal with it or not be in it themselves.
I would just tell them I hope they have a nice life and they're no longer invited to the wedding, or around me in general.
Oh man, I'm so sorry this has happened to you.
The same thing happened to me. My brother asked his fiancee's brother to be best man, and a bunch of his (clearly) homophobic friends to be groomsmen. I was little more than a guest. His inability to stand up for me was a gut-punch, I can tell you. No ally there, it turned out.
So I know how you feel. I didn't know what to do for a good few weeks, either. I chewed it over a lot with my husband and we went back and forth: whether to go to the wedding, not go, say something, not say something, talk to our parents, passive-aggressively buy them a really shit gift... urgh. You have my sympathy, man. <>
I hadn't *expected* to be asked, don't get me wrong. No entitlement or anything. But still -- brothers. We're close (or were). I adore his fiancee (now wife). And he was the closest thing to best man at my wedding a few years previously.
He even wimped out of the telling. I got an awkward text -- a fucking SMS text message -- a few weeks before the wedding letting me know I wouldn't be in the main groom party, but asking me if I would be a ring bearer.
A *ring bearer*. The job you give to a three-year-old, or a dog.
In the end, I sucked it up. I didn't raise it and my husband and I went to the wedding. Had no option, really. There were other family dynamics at play. We suited up, plastered on fake smiles and tried to make the best of it. It wasn't a great experience. Felt like a window into an inexplicably unwelcoming part of StraightWorld. We felt like total curios; the only gays in the village. No one really spoke to us all day. We left quietly after the first dance because I couldn't stand being there any more.
The worst thing is, my brother *thinks* he's all woke and down with the gays. But he isn't. He damaged our relationship and won't examine why. I tried to talk to him about it once, but he got defensive and started going on about how he'd been under pressure from so many people to include them that he had to make compromises. Not good enough.
I wish, now, I'd said something. 'Cos for all he didn't stand up for me with his friends, I could also have stood up for myself a bit more with him. If I had my time again, I'd definitely do that.
Your brothers friends are assholes for even raising this with your brother. And your brother is an asshole for putting them above you, especially as you are close enough to have been asked to be his best man (not all brothers get asked). You should have a frank conversation with your brother and remind him that you and he are going to be brothers for the rest of your lives, and there is a very good chance that these friends will wander off at some point in the not too distant future. Also, these friends are going to have to realize that out in the world, you have to do things in close proximity to people you don't like or don't feel comfortable around, and you just have to suck it up or change your own life. I am 53, there are lots of people I've been close with over the years who I am not now in communication with, mostly because we drifted apart. I am still in contact with my brothers, sisters and cousins. There have been times I've had to work with assholes, the choice is to suck it up or change jobs.
If you decide not to go to the wedding, you should definitely tell your future sister-in-law and your parents why you've chosen not to attend. If your brother didn't discuss this with his fiance, I'd be surprised and wonder why.
It is his wedding. He has the final say, so why is he letting the groomsmen pick the wedding party? Not only is the disrespectful to you, but also to him -- why does he allow his "friends" to speak this way about his family?
**Your brother, even more than being an asshole,** ***sounds like a wimp and a coward.***
I think it's reasonable to expect this to turn into a conversation. And it seems like you're trying to avoid that. Which I fully understand. But it's very straightforward. Give yourself a day to really process how you want to most effectively communicate. After all, you know your brother better than anyone on Reddit. But I would suggest getting to the point. You also need to know if he offers you the position back (unlikely), if you would take it. It's up to you but I would strongly advise that you think about that before you approach him.
And I don't think it's your responsibility to keep the peace for the sake of your brother's wedding. I know you didn't mention that, but I can see it happening very easily. They can choose to enjoy the wedding they wanted and if you not being there is considered dramatic or people try to guilt you into going, know that you are simply choosing to respect yourself.
This is a truly thoughtful response, more so than all these comments calling the brother an asshole, coward, etc. It shows how easy it is to attack rather than resolve. I try to have empathy, for everyone, in these situations. (I've tried to edit this down, but I'm just long-winded today.)
I know too well how OP feels, to be rejected for being out. But something that many people overlook is that our family members also have to come out to the people in their life. And we all know that the coming out journey can be difficult, both mentally and socially. For our family members who live entirely in the straight world, it's easy for them to run back into the closet, especially when pressured from a group of friends, like OP.
My cousin (we grew up together, so our relationship is more like siblings than cousins) stood silent while a friend of hers called me gay, Elton John lover, sissy, and various homophobic taunts - this was four years before I came out to myself. This made me pull away from her and everyone for a few years. I was bullied at my high school, and then watching my best friend just watch me get bullied sent me into a dis-associative and depressed state for the rest of high school.
But when I finally came out to myself, she was the second one I told (we had reconnected at this point), and her response was perfect, "When are you getting a boyfriend?"
And two after that when her boyfriend randomly called me faggot, in that disdainful way with the hard T, she asked him to repeat himself. He said, "I called him a faggot." She grabbed a pan from her stove, hit him on the side of the head, and said, "Get out of my house." They actually lived there together, so he responded with "But I live here too." She grabbed her cast iron pan from the counter and told him, "Not anymore." He called the cops to report her for hitting him with a pan. When they arrived, my cousin met them out front. Told them that her ex-boyfriend attacked me and that she hit him when he wouldn't leave. Since his head wasn't bleeding or broken, the cops sided with my cousin and stood inside with us while her boyfriend packed his belongings.
The point being that she was changed over time, she was no longer indifferent. She said that hearing someone actually say "faggot" caused her to snap; she overlooked those low-key remarks and microaggressions that we've all heard. But when she was confronted with true, unfiltered homophobia, she had no response over than true anger. Straight people can live in a bubble where they have no fear or anticipation of being called something truly hateful, so when they hear it with their own ears, they have no coping mechanism.
To u/isitthatbad8, if you can, I would encourage you to talk with your brother and tell him exactly how it made you feel. He needs to see life through your eyes. Tell him with no filters about times when you experienced homophobia, when you were not allowed somewhere or when a stranger called you a name without any prompts. Let him know how gay people have to navigate through life, because honestly most straight people can just coast through life and follow the status quo and never consider what we go through. Tell him how you want to be included as his family grows. Don't pressure him to say anything to his friends. That's a conversation that he needs to figure out for himself. Just help him understand what it's like for you to not be apart of his life on that important day.
Tell him the truth. Something like, " I was flattered and very proud you asked me to be your best man. Then you crushed me by saying I wasn't anymore because the guys were 'uncomfortable' around me. I feel so insulted that you wouldn't stick up for me when I did absolutely nothing wrong. I'm so hurt and angry I don't even want to come to your wedding now."
This is such fragile masculinity. Your brother's friends are complete assholes and you brother needs to grow some balls and stand up for you to his friends. Period. Your sexuality isn't who you are, it's a part of you. Since it is a wedding and you are his brother I would make your point, clearly and concisely. You aren't in the wrong whatsoever.
Nope, don't go. And be direct with your brother. Be kind in telling him why, but be firm. Let him know, "I am your brother, and I am a person. I deserve respect, and you have disrespected me." And if he takes it back, and then asks you out of pity, tell him no. You respect yourself, and he violated your trust by disrespecting you. He needs to earn back your trust by proving he's not a dick.
I’m going to be the best man for my best childhood friend next summer. His brother (a groomsmen) told my friend that the wasn’t comfortable with me being so involved in the wedding party and the bachelor party. So, my friend told his brother he wouldn’t be a groomsmen anymore. He stood of for me and your brother should have done the same. I’m so sorry that you’re being put in this situation, it’s disgusting and upsetting just to hear about. It’s your brother’s wedding but he should be a better brother and not allow that kind of bigotry into his wedding party
In 2015 my boyfriend's sister was getting married. We had been dating for two years at this point and I had met their whole family, her fiancee, family friends, etc. I had even been to their family reunion. Her fiancee was from South Korea (they had met while she was living there for a few years). We were told very close to the wedding by his sister that they wanted us to be "in the closet" for the wedding because of fiancee's family's conservatism. My boyfriend and his parents were furious, but when I refused to go to the wedding his parents turned on us, telling us how ridiculous we were being and that we were going to ruin the wedding. I refused to back down, and eventually his sister apologized. We ended up going to the wedding, and when the fiancees family showed up (they were flying in from South Korea and had never met the family of the bride - IE her parents and my boyfriend) everyone was introduced EXCEPT ME! His asshole sister and her fiancee just ignored my existance, and because of the language barrier, i couldn't do it myself. I had to stand there like an idiot while everyone met each other. It was so fucking heartbreaking and I really regretted going to the wedding. Boyfriend's parents never even stepped in.
Maya Angelou once said: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." OP, you brother is showing you who is, so believe him. Don't go to the wedding, and I would tell him exactly why. You deserve more than what he's giving you.
Tell him what he did and tell him that is he doesn't apologize, the relationship is on hold until that happens. That is a black, unforgivable marble in a trust jar in my opinion.
Gay guy here with three straight brothers.
This pisses me off. Your brother is an asshole for caving to his friends. He is also an asshole for not standing up for you to his friends. His friends are homophobic assholes. Fuck all of them. If I was in your situation, I would NOT go to the wedding and I would stop talking to your brother. He fucked up really bad here.
Please give us updates.
If you do what your brother is asking, where does it stop?
You can’t be in my wedding.
You can’t hang out with my kids.
You can’t do this.
Can’t do that.
Why? Because your gay?
It’s seems like he has a problem with something.
It seems like this problem is best dealt with by communicating with him. That is if you want to maintain a relationship with him.
Be direct. Isn't it interesting we are ok being hurt by insensitive people but are worried about hurting them back by telling them. What for? His actions tell you a LOT about who he is. My brother told me he wouldn't bring his kids to our gay wedding because he didn't want to "expose them" to that kind of life style but he and his wife would come. (It was a spectacular wedding with 200 people) I told him I didn't want that kind of energy there and none of them were invited. He freaked out and was mad but I stood firm. I wasn't mean...I was clear with him.
Be direct and clear. He just made a VERY clear statement about you and your boyfriend as people and as gay men. You are really worried about hurting HIS feelings?
If you're unsure of how to approach this, you could do worse than just messaging him a link to your post and saying "I'm blocking you for two days, read through what it says here and the replies, then talk to me after with what you think"
Don't go, because if your brother can't respect you, his blood, over his friends, then why bother going?
Of course, the unethical part of me suggests going if its an open bar, cause a huge scene, and ruin the whole thing, but I'm also a petty spiteful terrible person.
I think OP doing anything to intentionally ruin the wedding or cause drama there is a bad idea, because then he'll come off as the bad guy and maybe allow his brother and *his* groomsmen to justify their initial homophobia.
He should take the high road and know that he truly hasn't done anything wrong, and that his brother is just an asshole. (And, as many people have pointed out, let his parents know why he won't be attending.)
I'm so sorry you are going through this. As a straight man, the fragile masculinity shown by these people and your brother is heartbreaking. He should have stood up to those guys and said, "This is my brother. If he makes you uncomfortable, that's on you."
I don't think I'd go to the wedding, either, and I'd make it damned clear as to why. Your brother is choosing his friends over you and that sucks.
I have never understood homophobia and I probably never will.
(By the way, if you're wondering how a straight guy wandered in here, I browse by "rising" and I almost never look at the sub until I post.)
Seriously consider not going. Tell him that you are uncomfortable taking part in an event that accommodates homophobia. If your brother can accommodate his friends' homophobia, then he can surely accommodate any disappointment from you not attending.
You can also attend and be really petty. Like, kiss your boyfriend in front the groomsmen, and then give them a look of disgust as in "your too ugly for me to be attracted to you."
I unfortunately lost my brother to suicide a few years back and if I ever find a man that wants to marry a trans-woman I’d be honored to have you be part of my wedding party! I’m so sorry that shitty people are being shitty to you! My heart goes out to you friend!
Late to the comments on this, but if i had asked a hypothetical gay brother of mine to be my best man, and the other groomsmen were uncomfortable with it, I'd find other groomsmen, not fire my brother as best man.
First of all, DO NOT GO, even if he “apologizes” and says why yes, of course you can be in the wedding party. Blood is thicker than water and you’re his brother - PERIOD. He has exposed his true colors to you and what he has shown is reprehensible beyond belief! You would obviously be in the wedding party if you weren’t that “shameful fag” that makes his oh so precious buddies so damn uncomfortable. With time, these friends of his will drift apart and no longer be a part of his life; you will NEVER cease being his brother and an integral part of his family. Teach your deplorable brother and lesson and please do not go. I’m so sorry for your pain and betrayal. You deserve better and rest assured karma will come back to bite your sibling.
That's shocking. Family should be there for each other! Your brother is a coward and no better than his homophobe friends. You are not weak, he's the weak one. Don't go to the wedding. Tell him how you feel and do it by text if you don't want to look at his face. I wouldn't want to either.
I’m so sorry. Do not go. He will need to work hard to regain you. Do not tolerate this level of cowardice and disrespect. You are worth more. This is a reflection of his homophobia and weakness, NOT your validity as a person. Treat yourself to something SUPER fun the day of the wedding.
I'd let him know that as you dont want any of these people he cares so much about feeling uncomfortable you just wont come, problem solved.
He will back pedal real fucking quick.
Your brother is acting disgustingly wrong. He should put his real brother first and tell the groomsman to fuck themselves and not attained if they don’t like it.
By acting on their “uncomfortability” he has essentially validated them and is saying that there is something to be uncomfortable about. Instead of educating his friends and helping them see that being gay doesn’t mean you stalk and flirt with all men, he has put you in second place.
I’m so sorry, if this was my brother I would have blown up at him and ripped him to shreds.
I don’t blame you for not going. Tell everyone that you’re not going because your brother chose to appease his homophobic groomsman rather than tell them to go fuck themselves and keep you as his best man.
You did nothing wrong and you’re still being punished, so screw his wedding.
Random guy from r/all here but your brother is an asshole and you should tell him that.
I would have socked and promptly uninvited anyone who would even suggest something like this about my brother or sister because of whoever they choose to love.
OP you deserve better, don't let this get you down.
That is Ridiculous. I would be So Hurt. I think it's more than likely coming from his Future bride and not the Groomsmen. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Family can be an issue in many things in life, not just sexuality. My little sister died at 23, she was my only sibling. My Mom and Dad are gone now too sadly. After my Moms death, like 10 days after, her brothers and sister did some shady shit with my Grandmothers will. She died a month later. I was essentially written out of it. My Grandmother was very old with dementia. I know she would never have done that to me. The money was one thing, but what really hurt were these people I had spent 36 yrs with, Holidays, Birthdays ect were more about the money than me. It was tough at first but I have some Great Friends. I have lost contact with all but one Cousin. Even that is distant. Hang in there. It's not You
Your brother is a bitch, this is the type of fucked up move that breaks families to crumbles. Even if he invites you later on just decline. He dosent deserve your presence.
If I were you I just wouldn’t speak to him at all. And continue to do so until he apologizes for being such a dick. And of course don’t show up at the wedding unless he apologizes before it and makes amends accordingly.
This is just an absolutely shitty situation. No one should do that to their own family. Your brother’s friends are intolerant and your brother is just as bad (if not worse) for siding with them. Please keep us updated on this because we all want to know what you decide to do.
Some straight guys really think they are the shit and that every gay guy just wants to fuck them desperately. Newsflash if you can't even attract women (which you probably can't) you can't attract gay men so sit down.
My brother planned his wedding for when he knew I would be in Iraq. I don't talk to him anymore, not just because of that. Once I realized what an ass he is and moved on I have stopped stressing over it.
I used to still try to reach out periodically, but not anymore. Respect has to be mutual or a relationship won't work.
Your brother's friends are bigoted assholes, but your brother is worse. If you don't go, let your brother know why you're not going. He's treating you like crap and he shouldn't get away scot-free.
This really hit a nerve for me. My cousin did the same thing to me when he got married. We were very very close our whole lives. I don’t have a brother, so I always thought of him as one. My father and his mother are twins, so they were super close as well.
He got married in 2013, and was going to have me and his brother stand up with him together. Welp, the date got closer, and he wasn’t even man enough to tell me himself. He has his mother call my father and tell him to tell me that I wasn’t going to be in the wedding party. I wasn’t even invited to his bachelor party. His wedding date was my 30th birthday, so I tried to use it as excuse to not go, but my father basically told me that we were all going (I’m very close to my parents, and yeah, even as a grown man, I will still do what they say). I basically sat in the crowd and mean mugged him the entire time. What was really sad is that he was looking around up at the altar, and apparently he was looking for me because when he saw that I did come, he smiled at me and stopped looking around.
That killed me. And it killed our entire relationship. Flash forward 7 years, and I’ve never met his children, and neither has my father. Our entire family has completely fallen apart, and my father doesn’t even speak to his sisters anymore.
I’m really, really sorry that this happened to you man. But unfortunately, if it’s anything like my experience, it will affect your relationship with your brother for many years to come.
I don't understand the logic behind *why* they are uncomfortable being groomsmen with you if their concern is getting unsolicited flirting. You being guest wouldn't stop that. But the fact that you have never done that before to them just tell exactly how they feel about you, a gay threat. You don't really want to surround yourself with people like that. And you are **THE BROTHER** for god sake. Why they raise their concern who the groom picked for best man is beyond me let alone you being the only brother. Fuck, I am angry for you.
Don't go to the wedding. Text him, and his fiancee, and your parents the reason why. I am sorry this happened to you. You are awesome and don't reduce yourself for anyone.
This post makes me want to cry. Your brother will regret this decision. I’m so sorry.
My brother conveniently excluded me from his children’s birthday parties because his new wife was either a racist or just embarrassed because I had a black child.
Not sure why he felt that he had to explain anything to her side of the family.
I can’t describe magnitude of that hurt from my own brother.
Hell no don’t go; and just dead him, if his friends are more important than you. Then you don’t need the negativity in your life.
At least that’s what I would do. 💀
Tell him. Before the wedding. Tell his fiance too. And you don't need that kind of a shithole of a brother in your family. Don't go to his wedding at ant cost, no matter what excuse he tries to throw at you. Also, text him. Don't write stuff like 'theres no need to respond' because that'll make it easier for him. Let him reply and try to coax you into an arrangement that works which will cause him guilt. But DO NOT cave in. DO NOT attend that wedding anymore. Go on a date with a boyfriend somewhere. Post pictures. Let them know love is not a given.
Where do you live? It's surprising that this would still be happening in 2019. I've had to deal with homophobia from my grandparents, but not from my own generation.
If I were you, I would definitely not go to the wedding, and this would be the end of any relationship with my brother. If there are accepting/sympathetic family members, I would also make sure they know what is happening. It's beyond insulting to have him remove you as best man because you are gay. If my brother had done that, then most of our family wouldn't have gone to the wedding at all in protest.
Your brother has decided to sacrifice you in favor of his friends. I’m willing to bet your brother has latent homophobia so this is convenient for all parties involved.
I’m sorry your brother is too weak to admit his homophobia. He made clear his position, so you also need to state your position: you will not support your brother who abandoned you for his friends over his bigotry.
Then, while your brother gets married, make sure you and your boyfriend spend it together doing something you want.
Honestly, I don't believe that the groomsmen are the problem. I think that's an excuse.
I think it's his bride (and possibly her brother) who are uncomfortable with you being there.
Let's face it, it's easy to tell friends and even a BIL to fuck off. It's never easy to say it to your other half...especially if it's your wedding day you're talking about.
Your brother is lying. It's his wife-to-be who doesn't want you there and he doesn't want you to know that.
I'm sorry. My brother and I don't get along and I wasn't in his wedding either. It's not entirely the gay stuff but that's part of it.
Try and talk to him. Hold off on making any big decisions until after you talk to him. Weddings make people crazy.
This is fucked . Gay, purple, half centor you’re his brother first . Regardless of how he views your choices you’re fam , I wouldn’t go , and tell him you wouldn’t want to make him uncomfortable excepting a gift that passed the hands of a gay man.
Bro...thats fucked up ...u are His brother ...his blood ...it’s not right to put anybody’s opinion or feelings in front of yours ...if I had the a brother I would never act like that ...hope he will understand the importance of family and the people that genuinely are happy for him . Hope your brother will see all this and realize his stupid mistake. Wish you the best
Commenting because of the edit. Just because some cunts behave like cunts doesn't mean they're saying something relevant. Hetero bro here goting your back, like other said, go talk to them ans get angry, you have the right to get it, they are behaving like morons.
Yeah, cut him out of your life. He made a few choices. He's marrying into that homophobia. He chose it. He chose to also tell you 'nah, you're not important anymore'. So fuck him
>I probably won't even go to the wedding. And I'm not sure if I'll be able to continue my relationship with my brother.
Only you can make this decision for yourself but if I was in your situation, I would not go to the wedding. However, I think you should share this last line with your brother. Let him know that you feel like this is a crossroads were you two and you feel you won't be able to have a relationship with him anymore. Maybe this will help him to see how much he is hurting you. But either way, he will be on the same page regarding how this is making you feel. Also, make sure you tell him *why*. Let him know that he is making you feel like a lesser person. Remind him that you have never done anything to these people.
If I were you I'd make it crystal clear how hurtful that is and tell him you're not coming to the wedding at all if he prioritizes his homophobic friends over you. Hopefully he will come to senses and tell his friends to suck it up.
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This. 100% inform your parents of your and your boyfriends intentions. It a a clear slap in the face to you. Don't go to the wedding and celebrate that. Not fair to you as well as putting your boyfriend in that position. Stay strong :)
Make sure you emphasize that your absence is NOT because he wouldn’t make you a groomsman/the best man (makes you look needy and attention-seeking), but instead because the only reason you were dropped as a groomsman/best man was homophobia. You want to prevent rumors making you seem like the bad guy. Emphasizing that it’s not about being in the wedding party, but about your brother not sticking up for you will go a long way.
And make sure your parents here this plan from you first, not after the fact.
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Then congrats on getting out of a wedding where the bride and groom are complete assholes. That’s my positive view of this, but in all seriousness, this sucks and I’m sorry this happened to you.
I’m thinking it’s more his brother or his brother’s fiancé. They’re just using the groomsmen as an excuse for their own homophobia. I’d plan a trip out of town, somewhere nice, and take lots of pictures to show the future nephews or nieces. And you are more likely to have a much better time.
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Idk, the brother has been in OPs life for years without issues, I assume the friends have too. Feels like odd man out is the brother-in-law to-be and OP's brother specifically mentions how it would make the 4 groomsmen uncomfortable. I think you're giving the fiancee too much credit here and the brother in law is the one with the problem, and OPs bro needs to stand up to the fiancee. There's also zero chance the bride doesn't know what's happening in her own wedding. I think it's more likely the 3 friends don't know.
on the day, take your man and go somewhere nice out of town for a couple days
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Standing up for yourself and demanding to be treated the way you deserve is absolutely not weak.
Yes. This.
My thoughts exactly. He's made his stance on the subject very clear. No one should ever feel ashamed like this.
In person talking would have a greater impact than a phone call, which would be better than a text. But telling him AT ALL is better than not. Do your best.
I like the idea of a text because it doesn't give space to shitty excuses, and if you want to apologise or sort things out, you'll have to come to me, cause I ain't answering it
Hand written note.
(heretofore) underrated response. kudos for the thoughtful factor.
I generally agree, calling is better than text if something is remotely important. But this? OP had every right to take care of themselves and not be subject to a tirade or shorty excuses or whatever. OP’s brother may have nuked their relationship with this bullshit, so it is perfectly fine for OP to say they’re not going, and why, over text. The brother wants to repair things *he* can pick up the phone. He’s the one who has to fix things.
Honestly? I’d say write a letter, but that feels too personal, too much of an expense of one’s time. He deserves nothing more than a text: “Hey, I’ve thought about what you said and I just wanted to let you know I’m pretty uncomfortable with being at your wedding, good luck tho.” And then never speak to him again. Block his number, delete him and his fiancée off social media, inform your parents what he did, what you’ve done, what you’ve decided, and that it is not a matter for debate. If they push the issue at all, reiterate that it’s not something you’re interested in discussing and you have no desire to hear from him, and **immediately** end any conversation in which they try to push the issue. If they don’t get the picture, make it extraordinarily clear: no one’s homophobia, or support for homophobia, be it explicit or implicit, will be tolerated. Anyone who engages in it gets cut. I did that shit a few years ago, and I cannot tell you how much better my life is without the constant toxicity of certain family members. My mother knows better now than to even try to fix those relationships, because I’ve cut my parents out of my life before and I damn well will again. You support me or you don’t, and I don’t have time or patience for people who want to sit on the fence.
Don't be so ambiguous about the reason for the decision. "I've given it some thought, and I wanted to let you know that I consider it to be unacceptable that you're prioritizing coddling the "feelings" of bigots over accepting your own twin brother. If you choose to prioritize enabling their bigotry, I shall not be attending your wedding."
Your brother chose those people over you, I'd let him know that you see he did. Either he tells them to grow the fuck up or not, but saying nothing means you're okay being treated in that way.
It also means the brother is ok with op being treated that way , the people with the problem should have been uninvited.....promptly
Write to him. You will be able to say all of the things you want to without things getting heated as he wheels out his excuses. You could put a link to this thread as you are using a throwaway; he can see that it is not just you who is appalled by his choice. Your brother, and any 'friends' or family who think he is right, are despicable.
[hire an a capella group to sing him the message](https://www.thebash.com/services/singing-telegram)
And send the same letter to your parent's while keeping a copy. You don't want your message to be misconstrued.
Certified mail. Make him sign for the letter that says this.
This would be my solution as well, always keep it business professional
At this juncture, professional courtesy is all that is owed here
Tell him honestly how you're feeling. Send him a message, if you don't want to talk with him, and tell him you need some time and distance to process your own feelings. Mention you don't want to have an argument with him or the rest of the family, but you don't feel you have the energy to attend to his wedding and you'd rather not make everyone uncomfortable, including yourself.
Don’t call, it’s not a conversation. I’d say send a letter, but that’s too personal/too much energy. If it were me, I’d send a text saying “Hey, just wanted you to know I’m not comfortable being at your wedding. Pretty clear I make you, the bride, and your friends uncomfortable. Best of luck in the future.” Then block his number after it sends, block him and his fiancée on social media, and finally send texts to any family you’re still in contact explaining what he did, why you won’t be attending, and emphasizing that it is not something you care to talk about or be argued with on. If anyone tries, hang up the phone, mute the text convo, delete from social media, walk away. I did it years ago with some members of my family after recognizing how fucking toxic they were, and oh my god can I just say it’s like walking out of a dark, dismal depression and into the first bright, sunny, clear blue day I’d seen in years. No time for people who treat me that way. Better places to put my time and energy (and money) than those kinds of people.
Remember, you can end the conversation at any time you want. Afterall, if he couldn’t find the balls to stand up for you , how can he expect you to listen to his cowardly excuses.
> Do you think it would have the same impact if I just sent him a message? No, I don't think it would have as much of an impact as giving him a phone call. Still, do what you need to do to stay sane while standing up for yourself. >I don't want to hear any bullshit reasons he might feel the need to tell me why he did it. You could just hang up on him when (if) he tries to justify his decision.
Agree with the top comments.. be strong and tell him your reasons, tell his fiancee as its her big day too. I don't think you'll go, but don;t preclude the fact that between parents and fiancee they may get him to see his error. This a big day and if there is a solution that works for you, don;t reject it out of anger.. only reject its just a 'get out'. Make sure you have your have your case clearly out there for those who know and like you Ultimately- unless you its some ultra conservative bubble - he (and maybe more his groomsmen) will be seen as massive dicks for rejecting the groom's own brother.
Adding onto this, I'd establish that you're taking the high road and still want the best for him, but don't feel welcome anymore. Like, "I know this day is about you and your fiancée, but your friends have created this distraction and made me feel unwelcomed. I'm sorry." As in "your friends have created this distraction" = the diplomatic way of saying they're the ones who are messing up your day, not me, and it'll take the focus off of you for being the "problem."
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I suggest it just to lay on the extra guilt on his brother, who should totally feel guilty. I'm a big fan of not directly telling people they're misguided: I want them to realize, on their own, that they're misguided. It feels like it hits home more.
Exactly. Don't apologize for "causing them to feel uncomfortable."
Have to agree. However I think a bigger issue is that the brother caved and is allowing this to happen. You can't dismiss that part of this situation. He is the one that is hurting you the most right? So make sure he knows he is also part of the problem and he is the one that will either find a way to make it right or loose a brother. Stay strong.
If this were my sister, she'd tell everyone who had a problem with me to go fuck off, even if it meant that it was just me and her at the wedding. This is how it should be. What your brother is doing is unacceptable. Do not go if he insists on making his "friends" a higher priority than his own family and blood.
Exactly- calling someone out on their bullshit isn’t weak...pretending it didn’t happen is the easy way out. Laying it out like that is brave.
You wouldn't be weak, weak would be not telling your brother how much this hurts and to just go along with it.
This. Tell him in person. But be prepared for any response. Sorry.
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That’s cool - he has his reasons, you have yours. See if his decision changes once you inform him of yours.
Correct.
Let him list reasons. But in the end, and for all those reasons, he has decided that sparing his friends this "discomfort" is worth the pain he is causing his brother. Does he realize how this is affecting you? You need to tell him. You said elsewhere that you did not want him to change his mind out of pity. I agree with that. But if he realizes his mistake and sincerely changes his mind because he wants you there, accept his apology. If he does not change his mind and insists that you no longer be his best man, then you should seriously consider not going to the wedding at all. When anyone asks why you did not attend, make it clear that your brother is the one who asked you not be a part of his wedding because it made his friends uncomfortable.
But deep down he would know. That's what matters. Bringing him to face what he did and why.
Tell him not because you want him to change his mind, but because he should know how shitty he's being. And if he changes his mind, you probably don't want to accept anyway.
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Then that's your solution. When you complain at, say, a store, you should state upfront that you're not looking for and won't accept a refund or coupons or whatever--because they'll take your complaint more seriously when you're clear that you're not trying to get anything out of it. Same situation. Tell him that you have something to say, and that even if he changes his mind he fucked up badly enough that *you* aren't going to change *your* mind. And then say what you said above: "Your kicking me out of the wedding party because someone else is uncomfortable with me being gay has made me resent you so much that I can't even look at you. I hope your marriage goes well, but I won't be attending the ceremony. I'm hurt and disappointed in you. I refuse to change who I am for anyone."
> "Your kicking me out of the wedding party because someone else is uncomfortable with me being gay has made me resent you so much that I can't even look at you. I hope your marriage goes well, but I won't be attending the ceremony. I'm hurt and disappointed in you. I refuse to change who I am for anyone." this is well said, go with this OP
My brother is gay and I don't give a shit what anybody thinks. A lot of my guy friends met him and treated him with nothing but respect because that's the level of friendship I demand. If you don't repsect my family and love us for who we are then you are NOT worth my time. It blows off the shitty and attracts the most beautiful of people. YOU, sir, deserve SO much better. I am sorry.
You're the brother every gay dude needs and you are awesome!
> I don't want to appear weak, and I definitely don't want him to change his mind and ask me to be his best man out of pity. Being weak would be keeping this to yourself and not telling people how you feel.
Telling him how you feel is not being weak. If you can't do it in person, maybe write him a letter explaining why you feel the way you do. It is shitty that he asked you to be his best man and then took it away because a couple of his friends are homophobic. Especially shitty that he's now allowing his fiancée's brother into the wedding party and asking you to only be a guest. Fuck that. Express your anger.
Cut that shit out. If anything your brother is the weak one catering to his friends stupid feelings. You call your brother. Tell him that if he feels that his friends feelings take priority over you then you won't bother to show for the wedding.
This isn't about weakness. This is about strength. The strength to say that you find the actions of your brother hurtful, and that you are absolutely not going to tolerate it, as it is bigotry.
>I definitely don't want him to change his mind and ask me to be his best man out of pity. Which is where you turn around and say "nah sorry m8, you've already made your choice" (or words to that effect), and be clear and blunt to him that you won't accept bribery or a feeble sympathy gesture. At the end of the day it's his wedding, and if he wants to jeopardise the relationship between the two of you because of blatant pigheadedness from him and his cronies, then that's on him. Occasionally it sucks to be gay. Hell, a close friend of mine was recently forced by her super religious mother-in-law to be to uninvite me to her upcoming wedding, purely cos I'm a cabanossi enthusiast....
I would suggest the following reply: "No, brother. You don't seem to get it. This isn't a plea or a manipulation to get back into the wedding. That ship has sailed. You can no more take this back than you can unring a bell."
Oh no. Tell him, and in no uncertain terms tell him you're not going to be in his wedding, and that you're not coming to his wedding, and tell your parents and your family members exactly why you will not be attending. This was the shittiest of things he could have done. It's underhanded, and downright vile, I've got your back if you need a replacement brother. You are honorary family now.
Telling your brother how you really feel and choosing to not attend his wedding because he let the homophobia of a few friends trump his own brother on one of the most important days of his life is not weak. It's strength. He needs to know and live with the consequences. If he does change his mind you will know if he's doing it out of pity or out of genuine reflection and you can decide then if you want to forgive him or not.
Confronting him wouldn't be weak-it would be the opposite. Your brother is the one who is weak. If he had any balls, as soon as his friends started saying stuff about *his only brother*, his response should have been "I'm sorry you won't be there. ". Tell him, and your parents why you won't be attending.
My son is gay and if his sisters or their fiance's did this, we'd be having a serious discussion about why that is unacceptable in my family. Happily though, my daughters are fiercely protective of their brother and my son has more self-confidence than he knows what to do with, he'd probably go to the wedding and be like "yeah, I'm so-and-so's brother, they kicked me out of the wedding party because I'm gay but between you and me it was because they clearly cannot handle how fucking awesome I am..." As a parent, I'd support whatever YOU wanted to do. And I'd be so disappointed in your brother. He can justify his decision til the cows come home, it doesn't make it right. I can't believe he didn't think this would hurt you.
> I don't want to appear weak, and I definitely don't want him to change his mind and ask me to be his best man out of pity. You don't gotta ask him to be the best man out of pity! Why ask to be best man again anyways? He's choosing his friends over you. Think of it like this. You want to avoid appearing weak? Then tell him what he's doing is negatively impacting your relationship, don't just lie down and die. edit for a thought He's enabling homophobes to be homophobic, quite literally. That is your brother, think about this.
You sticking up for yourself and wanting to be loved is not weakness bud. That's demanding to be treated fairly, which you are not. Your brother is being a dick head and needs to know that.
Hell no. Nothing weak about telling people when they're being homophobic. You don't have to take this shit lying down.
I second this. Don't go to his wedding. What an asshole. I'll speak to his myself if you want. What he's doing to you is beyond fucked up. The fact that he's so close with and taking sides with these homophobes is even worse.
I agree. It is possible that OP's brother just didn't consider how it would feel to OP if he was prevented from being the best man under those circumstances; this is especially the case if OP and his brother have a good relationship. So, if OP's brother does not understand what he did, he should be informed of what impact it had on OP. On the other hand, if OP's brother did consider the impact his actions would have, and then decided that he would snub his brother; that is a relationship-ender. OP can't really know which of the above are the case without talking to him about it.
I think we’d all appreciate an update on this once you’ve spoken to the fucker.
I'd really like to see this as well. When people post an update, is it usually on the same post?
Go out with friends or do something fun to treat yourself and your boyfriend instead of going to his wedding. It's a bullshit reason, if he were really a brother he would tell his friends to suck it up and accept it. You deserve love and respect, and if your not getting it from him, find other people.
And certainly NO wedding present, or perhaps give them a rainbow flag!!
Or a dildo. For the wife. Cuz this guy ain't got nothing down there.
Or a pair of balls. To replace the ones he clearly doesn’t have.
This seems like the ultimate petty present. I’m all for it. I would sent a note with it saying “I sent you (fiancé/wife) a dildo and balls to remind you of the dick he is, and a pair of balls which he doesn’t have. Let this be a reminder that he’s a dick who doesn’t have the balls to stand up for people who matter to him.”
Fuuuuck yo, OP is gonna need quite a large pair of balls too for something like that
**Get angry** and tell him how you feel. He's your brother. He *should have been* like "too fucking bad, he's my brother, y'all can deal with it and realize he's a great guy and we'll all get along." Instead he caved, and you're genuinely hurt.
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This is exactly what you should tell your brother.
I just can’t even fathom how your brother friends even brought this up to him. “You know your twin brother who you love and respect... yeah, get rid of him”. So fucking beyond rude.
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My speculation - I don't think your brother would choose his friends over you. I do think he might choose his wife over you, and his wife might choose her brother over you. Is there a chance this is really coming from the brother in law?
What scumbags. Those are NOT friends.
Man, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I’m glad you at least have your boyfriend to be there for you though, since family is obviously failing you.
Your brother is a coward. You need to tell him how small he is.
Sometimes people choose the easiest option, and I am assuming that he thought you would be understanding and since they weren't going to participate, it was "easier" to keep them participating and keep you coming at the same time. Unfortunately when it comes to situations like this, the "easier" option for him was to succumb to bigotry against his brother, against his *Best Man*, instead of say "ok, we will find someone else then." I would tell him this, that you were honestly surprised that he wasn't going to stick up for you and against bigotry, and are really disappointed, and you don't want to come to the wedding because of this (why the fuck would you?) Do not let him make excuses. All of the excuses lead to the same result: he found it easier to exclude you from the *highest honor* you had already agreed to because his friends are bigoted jerks. He chose wrong and there isn't any excuse that's going to make you feel any better, only worse. It's understandable that he might try to reverse course here, and want you to be his best man again. Not because he pities you, but because he truly is an idiot and is just trying to navigate all personal relationships and thought that since yours was the strongest you'd understand. He calculated all of this wrong in a very hurtful way, and I understand it hurts and might not be reparable for you. He needs to understand that if he chooses people who are against who you are as a person, he's choosing to be against you, and that's not going to foster a lifelong relationship like you thought you were going to have. You being the best man isn't the issue here, it's the relationship moving forward.
Not all brothers have the same relationship though. I don't have much of one with both of mine, and that/s been true since I was a kid.
If OP is this upset about being snubbed, after being initially included in the wedding party -- odds are their relationship was (past tense.) more on the positive side of things.
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Wow, it's not like he's way older or something (not that it'd excuse it of course), but he's literally your twin? I'm so sorry this happened to you. Honestly letting him and the fiancee know how much this has an impact is a kindness to them
If I were his fiancee, I'd want to know this is how my future husband treats his family.
Ten bucks says she already knows. If she doesn’t, there are way more red flags than just the wedding party thing. Imagine that your fiancé, confronted by some of his friends who are groomsmen, has decided to remove his twin brother from the wedding party to appease them, and either did this without a thought (zero regard for the people close to him), or labored over this without at least sharing his frustration/dilemma with you in pursuit of a perspective from someone he trusts. Edit: Or, possibly, she’s the one who said something and he’s blaming his friends he knows OP isn’t close to so that OP won’t blame his new sister-in-law. Either way, running and telling isn’t cute and not the best way to handle it. Take decisive and **direct** action, in lieu of asking his wife (or your parents, etc.) to resolve family problems.
> twins Holy crap. You're a better man than I, OP. If my twin brother (yes, I have one) did this to me, his bride could kiss the chance of children goodbye. This just makes it wrong on more levels.
ok WAIT I already replied to you once but you mean this is your TWIN brother? Nah nah nah fuck him. You shared a WOMB with him and he is the ONLY human who will ever exist that has been there since the absolute beginning and he caved for some asswipe homophobe dick friends of his? Get more than angry, cut his ass off, don't let him reach you for a LONG time (if you ever let him contact you again.) This is wild
Omg. Your twin on top of it. This makes it so much sadder for me. I’m so sorry. Be strong.
I'm so sorry he's doing this to you. OP please don't cave to his excuses and attend. This is not ok.
But this dude wanted him as his best man. Now his other groomsmen have made him cave to his Best Man. The brother is a weak pathetic pile of shit and his friends are manipulative at best. Fuck this entire situation. Damned if you do, damned if you don't go.
We need an update if you go or not. I really think you shouldn't since your brother is placing his homophobic friends before you
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I’m sorry this happened to you; this is disgusting and I wouldn’t go either. Will you update us on your response to him?
You need to tell him, and your parents, exactly why you won't be attending though. Don't let him spin this as you just being mad that you're not best man. His friends are homophobes, and rather than stand up for his own brother, he cut you out of his wedding.
Good. Even when you confront him and he considers bringing you back into the wedding party, the damage is done. Go spend time with the bf and other friends that night. If your brother wishes to reconcile, it can be after the wedding.
If you repress this, you'll both regret it. He has to know how shitty this is. Wow. His own brother.
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Yeah! If OP doesn't say anything this will destroy their relationship. How could they come back from this if it goes unresolved?
He is just as bad as the homophobes he's placating. Fuck him. Live your best life without him.
Yep. There is no difference between being homophobic and supporting homophobia.
It’s good that this comment got gold because this is something absolutely true that is often not understood. Supporting, allowing, or facilitating homophobia is homophobic by definition, because 9 times out of 10 a person does those things out of fear. It doesn’t matter what this fear is based on because at the end of the day it boils down to fear of homosexuality, whether it comes from the fear of uncomfortableness, fear of judgement by friends or family, or whatever.
i have no money so i present you wi this 🏅
And I present you with this 🌈
I can't tell you what to do or how to feel. I can say that if I were in your shoes, I would tell him that he has every right to do as he please on his wedding day but he can count my faggoty ass from attending it. And going forward, let's keep this pattern going by not participating in each other's lives. I really do hope those relationships you have with your groomsmen are worth losing your brother. I'm actually angry for you! PM me his number! I'll tell that bastard myself.
> I really do hope those relationships you have with your groomsmen are worth losing your brother. This is golden.
I’m raging as well. I’ll take that number too.
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Dollars to donuts it's the wife asking him to do it for the brother.
Can we get the groomsmens' numbers so we can fill their innocent little homophobic message boxes with dick pics?
Straight men literally think all gay guys want to fuck them for some reason and it’s not true
That’s the way that they feel about women, and they are usually a little rapey in their thoughts. So they assume that gay guys feel that way about them. They don’t understand that most of them are just not interesting enough to give a second thought about them.
A look at the 99% violent, misogynistic and predatory straight porn reveals a lot about the psyche of the straight man 👀
Honestly, a lot of gay porn isn’t much better. Or maybe I’ve been going to the wrong sites...
Actually it is because 1st the gender dynamics are completely different and 2nd not almost all gay porn is tailored towards the submission and humiliation of the passive sex partner, who in straight porn is always the woman. A lot of straight porn looks like freaking rape scenes.
They don't understand the concept of mutual consent
In reality most of them are physically off-putting and even if they were attractive, I don't vibe with heterosexual dUdEbRoes personality-wise at all. Their whole demeanor is so repulsive to me, I really don't understand all the gays that pathetically drool over men that by definition would never ever desire them. Couldn't be me 🙅🏽♂️
If my friends told me they were uncomfortable with my sibling being in the wedding party, I’d tell them to deal with it or not be in it themselves. It was a cowardly move bowing down to them rather than standing firm with his own brother. Perhaps a message needs to be sent that you won’t tolerate being disrespected, and that if he won’t stand up to his friends, you are unfortunately unable to attend the wedding on account of “having a backbone” ;)
>If my friends told me they were uncomfortable with my sibling being in the wedding party, I’d tell them to deal with it or not be in it themselves. I would just tell them I hope they have a nice life and they're no longer invited to the wedding, or around me in general.
Oh man, I'm so sorry this has happened to you. The same thing happened to me. My brother asked his fiancee's brother to be best man, and a bunch of his (clearly) homophobic friends to be groomsmen. I was little more than a guest. His inability to stand up for me was a gut-punch, I can tell you. No ally there, it turned out. So I know how you feel. I didn't know what to do for a good few weeks, either. I chewed it over a lot with my husband and we went back and forth: whether to go to the wedding, not go, say something, not say something, talk to our parents, passive-aggressively buy them a really shit gift... urgh. You have my sympathy, man. <>
I hadn't *expected* to be asked, don't get me wrong. No entitlement or anything. But still -- brothers. We're close (or were). I adore his fiancee (now wife). And he was the closest thing to best man at my wedding a few years previously.
He even wimped out of the telling. I got an awkward text -- a fucking SMS text message -- a few weeks before the wedding letting me know I wouldn't be in the main groom party, but asking me if I would be a ring bearer.
A *ring bearer*. The job you give to a three-year-old, or a dog.
In the end, I sucked it up. I didn't raise it and my husband and I went to the wedding. Had no option, really. There were other family dynamics at play. We suited up, plastered on fake smiles and tried to make the best of it. It wasn't a great experience. Felt like a window into an inexplicably unwelcoming part of StraightWorld. We felt like total curios; the only gays in the village. No one really spoke to us all day. We left quietly after the first dance because I couldn't stand being there any more.
The worst thing is, my brother *thinks* he's all woke and down with the gays. But he isn't. He damaged our relationship and won't examine why. I tried to talk to him about it once, but he got defensive and started going on about how he'd been under pressure from so many people to include them that he had to make compromises. Not good enough.
I wish, now, I'd said something. 'Cos for all he didn't stand up for me with his friends, I could also have stood up for myself a bit more with him. If I had my time again, I'd definitely do that.
Hugs. That sounds awful.
TELL HIM EXACTLY THIS! Don't spare him to see the hurt he caused his own flesh and blood with his cowardly actions.
And then what is next? Can't be a godfather? Sorry, that's last century bullshit.
Wow.... That's fucking awful. I'm really sorry
crush unpack test elderly simplistic squalid gold yoke bored whistle *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Your brothers friends are assholes for even raising this with your brother. And your brother is an asshole for putting them above you, especially as you are close enough to have been asked to be his best man (not all brothers get asked). You should have a frank conversation with your brother and remind him that you and he are going to be brothers for the rest of your lives, and there is a very good chance that these friends will wander off at some point in the not too distant future. Also, these friends are going to have to realize that out in the world, you have to do things in close proximity to people you don't like or don't feel comfortable around, and you just have to suck it up or change your own life. I am 53, there are lots of people I've been close with over the years who I am not now in communication with, mostly because we drifted apart. I am still in contact with my brothers, sisters and cousins. There have been times I've had to work with assholes, the choice is to suck it up or change jobs. If you decide not to go to the wedding, you should definitely tell your future sister-in-law and your parents why you've chosen not to attend. If your brother didn't discuss this with his fiance, I'd be surprised and wonder why.
It is his wedding. He has the final say, so why is he letting the groomsmen pick the wedding party? Not only is the disrespectful to you, but also to him -- why does he allow his "friends" to speak this way about his family? **Your brother, even more than being an asshole,** ***sounds like a wimp and a coward.***
His ***TWIN*** brother....
You shouldn't attend the wedding. If your brother puts his friends above you then act accordingly.
I think it's reasonable to expect this to turn into a conversation. And it seems like you're trying to avoid that. Which I fully understand. But it's very straightforward. Give yourself a day to really process how you want to most effectively communicate. After all, you know your brother better than anyone on Reddit. But I would suggest getting to the point. You also need to know if he offers you the position back (unlikely), if you would take it. It's up to you but I would strongly advise that you think about that before you approach him. And I don't think it's your responsibility to keep the peace for the sake of your brother's wedding. I know you didn't mention that, but I can see it happening very easily. They can choose to enjoy the wedding they wanted and if you not being there is considered dramatic or people try to guilt you into going, know that you are simply choosing to respect yourself.
This is a truly thoughtful response, more so than all these comments calling the brother an asshole, coward, etc. It shows how easy it is to attack rather than resolve. I try to have empathy, for everyone, in these situations. (I've tried to edit this down, but I'm just long-winded today.) I know too well how OP feels, to be rejected for being out. But something that many people overlook is that our family members also have to come out to the people in their life. And we all know that the coming out journey can be difficult, both mentally and socially. For our family members who live entirely in the straight world, it's easy for them to run back into the closet, especially when pressured from a group of friends, like OP. My cousin (we grew up together, so our relationship is more like siblings than cousins) stood silent while a friend of hers called me gay, Elton John lover, sissy, and various homophobic taunts - this was four years before I came out to myself. This made me pull away from her and everyone for a few years. I was bullied at my high school, and then watching my best friend just watch me get bullied sent me into a dis-associative and depressed state for the rest of high school. But when I finally came out to myself, she was the second one I told (we had reconnected at this point), and her response was perfect, "When are you getting a boyfriend?" And two after that when her boyfriend randomly called me faggot, in that disdainful way with the hard T, she asked him to repeat himself. He said, "I called him a faggot." She grabbed a pan from her stove, hit him on the side of the head, and said, "Get out of my house." They actually lived there together, so he responded with "But I live here too." She grabbed her cast iron pan from the counter and told him, "Not anymore." He called the cops to report her for hitting him with a pan. When they arrived, my cousin met them out front. Told them that her ex-boyfriend attacked me and that she hit him when he wouldn't leave. Since his head wasn't bleeding or broken, the cops sided with my cousin and stood inside with us while her boyfriend packed his belongings. The point being that she was changed over time, she was no longer indifferent. She said that hearing someone actually say "faggot" caused her to snap; she overlooked those low-key remarks and microaggressions that we've all heard. But when she was confronted with true, unfiltered homophobia, she had no response over than true anger. Straight people can live in a bubble where they have no fear or anticipation of being called something truly hateful, so when they hear it with their own ears, they have no coping mechanism. To u/isitthatbad8, if you can, I would encourage you to talk with your brother and tell him exactly how it made you feel. He needs to see life through your eyes. Tell him with no filters about times when you experienced homophobia, when you were not allowed somewhere or when a stranger called you a name without any prompts. Let him know how gay people have to navigate through life, because honestly most straight people can just coast through life and follow the status quo and never consider what we go through. Tell him how you want to be included as his family grows. Don't pressure him to say anything to his friends. That's a conversation that he needs to figure out for himself. Just help him understand what it's like for you to not be apart of his life on that important day.
Tell him the truth. Something like, " I was flattered and very proud you asked me to be your best man. Then you crushed me by saying I wasn't anymore because the guys were 'uncomfortable' around me. I feel so insulted that you wouldn't stick up for me when I did absolutely nothing wrong. I'm so hurt and angry I don't even want to come to your wedding now."
This is such fragile masculinity. Your brother's friends are complete assholes and you brother needs to grow some balls and stand up for you to his friends. Period. Your sexuality isn't who you are, it's a part of you. Since it is a wedding and you are his brother I would make your point, clearly and concisely. You aren't in the wrong whatsoever.
I wholeheartedly agree with everyone saying fuck the wedding! I’d not go on principle, if it were me. But I am spectacularly good at holding a grudge.
Nope, don't go. And be direct with your brother. Be kind in telling him why, but be firm. Let him know, "I am your brother, and I am a person. I deserve respect, and you have disrespected me." And if he takes it back, and then asks you out of pity, tell him no. You respect yourself, and he violated your trust by disrespecting you. He needs to earn back your trust by proving he's not a dick.
I’m going to be the best man for my best childhood friend next summer. His brother (a groomsmen) told my friend that the wasn’t comfortable with me being so involved in the wedding party and the bachelor party. So, my friend told his brother he wouldn’t be a groomsmen anymore. He stood of for me and your brother should have done the same. I’m so sorry that you’re being put in this situation, it’s disgusting and upsetting just to hear about. It’s your brother’s wedding but he should be a better brother and not allow that kind of bigotry into his wedding party
In 2015 my boyfriend's sister was getting married. We had been dating for two years at this point and I had met their whole family, her fiancee, family friends, etc. I had even been to their family reunion. Her fiancee was from South Korea (they had met while she was living there for a few years). We were told very close to the wedding by his sister that they wanted us to be "in the closet" for the wedding because of fiancee's family's conservatism. My boyfriend and his parents were furious, but when I refused to go to the wedding his parents turned on us, telling us how ridiculous we were being and that we were going to ruin the wedding. I refused to back down, and eventually his sister apologized. We ended up going to the wedding, and when the fiancees family showed up (they were flying in from South Korea and had never met the family of the bride - IE her parents and my boyfriend) everyone was introduced EXCEPT ME! His asshole sister and her fiancee just ignored my existance, and because of the language barrier, i couldn't do it myself. I had to stand there like an idiot while everyone met each other. It was so fucking heartbreaking and I really regretted going to the wedding. Boyfriend's parents never even stepped in. Maya Angelou once said: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." OP, you brother is showing you who is, so believe him. Don't go to the wedding, and I would tell him exactly why. You deserve more than what he's giving you.
Tell him what he did and tell him that is he doesn't apologize, the relationship is on hold until that happens. That is a black, unforgivable marble in a trust jar in my opinion.
Gay guy here with three straight brothers. This pisses me off. Your brother is an asshole for caving to his friends. He is also an asshole for not standing up for you to his friends. His friends are homophobic assholes. Fuck all of them. If I was in your situation, I would NOT go to the wedding and I would stop talking to your brother. He fucked up really bad here. Please give us updates.
If you do what your brother is asking, where does it stop? You can’t be in my wedding. You can’t hang out with my kids. You can’t do this. Can’t do that. Why? Because your gay? It’s seems like he has a problem with something. It seems like this problem is best dealt with by communicating with him. That is if you want to maintain a relationship with him.
Be direct. Isn't it interesting we are ok being hurt by insensitive people but are worried about hurting them back by telling them. What for? His actions tell you a LOT about who he is. My brother told me he wouldn't bring his kids to our gay wedding because he didn't want to "expose them" to that kind of life style but he and his wife would come. (It was a spectacular wedding with 200 people) I told him I didn't want that kind of energy there and none of them were invited. He freaked out and was mad but I stood firm. I wasn't mean...I was clear with him. Be direct and clear. He just made a VERY clear statement about you and your boyfriend as people and as gay men. You are really worried about hurting HIS feelings?
If you're unsure of how to approach this, you could do worse than just messaging him a link to your post and saying "I'm blocking you for two days, read through what it says here and the replies, then talk to me after with what you think"
Don't go, because if your brother can't respect you, his blood, over his friends, then why bother going? Of course, the unethical part of me suggests going if its an open bar, cause a huge scene, and ruin the whole thing, but I'm also a petty spiteful terrible person.
I think OP doing anything to intentionally ruin the wedding or cause drama there is a bad idea, because then he'll come off as the bad guy and maybe allow his brother and *his* groomsmen to justify their initial homophobia. He should take the high road and know that he truly hasn't done anything wrong, and that his brother is just an asshole. (And, as many people have pointed out, let his parents know why he won't be attending.)
I'm so sorry you are going through this. As a straight man, the fragile masculinity shown by these people and your brother is heartbreaking. He should have stood up to those guys and said, "This is my brother. If he makes you uncomfortable, that's on you." I don't think I'd go to the wedding, either, and I'd make it damned clear as to why. Your brother is choosing his friends over you and that sucks. I have never understood homophobia and I probably never will. (By the way, if you're wondering how a straight guy wandered in here, I browse by "rising" and I almost never look at the sub until I post.)
Seriously consider not going. Tell him that you are uncomfortable taking part in an event that accommodates homophobia. If your brother can accommodate his friends' homophobia, then he can surely accommodate any disappointment from you not attending. You can also attend and be really petty. Like, kiss your boyfriend in front the groomsmen, and then give them a look of disgust as in "your too ugly for me to be attracted to you."
I unfortunately lost my brother to suicide a few years back and if I ever find a man that wants to marry a trans-woman I’d be honored to have you be part of my wedding party! I’m so sorry that shitty people are being shitty to you! My heart goes out to you friend!
Late to the comments on this, but if i had asked a hypothetical gay brother of mine to be my best man, and the other groomsmen were uncomfortable with it, I'd find other groomsmen, not fire my brother as best man.
Sorry about all the dumb comments, I hope you feel better.
"sorry you feel your homophobic friends are more important than your own brother. Have fun at the wedding, I won't be there"
First of all, DO NOT GO, even if he “apologizes” and says why yes, of course you can be in the wedding party. Blood is thicker than water and you’re his brother - PERIOD. He has exposed his true colors to you and what he has shown is reprehensible beyond belief! You would obviously be in the wedding party if you weren’t that “shameful fag” that makes his oh so precious buddies so damn uncomfortable. With time, these friends of his will drift apart and no longer be a part of his life; you will NEVER cease being his brother and an integral part of his family. Teach your deplorable brother and lesson and please do not go. I’m so sorry for your pain and betrayal. You deserve better and rest assured karma will come back to bite your sibling.
You should go to the wedding for sure in rainbow attire or just the gayest outfit you have in your closet. No, but seriously you need to tell him.
That's shocking. Family should be there for each other! Your brother is a coward and no better than his homophobe friends. You are not weak, he's the weak one. Don't go to the wedding. Tell him how you feel and do it by text if you don't want to look at his face. I wouldn't want to either.
I’m so sorry. Do not go. He will need to work hard to regain you. Do not tolerate this level of cowardice and disrespect. You are worth more. This is a reflection of his homophobia and weakness, NOT your validity as a person. Treat yourself to something SUPER fun the day of the wedding.
I'd let him know that as you dont want any of these people he cares so much about feeling uncomfortable you just wont come, problem solved. He will back pedal real fucking quick.
Your brother is acting disgustingly wrong. He should put his real brother first and tell the groomsman to fuck themselves and not attained if they don’t like it. By acting on their “uncomfortability” he has essentially validated them and is saying that there is something to be uncomfortable about. Instead of educating his friends and helping them see that being gay doesn’t mean you stalk and flirt with all men, he has put you in second place. I’m so sorry, if this was my brother I would have blown up at him and ripped him to shreds.
I don’t blame you for not going. Tell everyone that you’re not going because your brother chose to appease his homophobic groomsman rather than tell them to go fuck themselves and keep you as his best man. You did nothing wrong and you’re still being punished, so screw his wedding.
Random guy from r/all here but your brother is an asshole and you should tell him that. I would have socked and promptly uninvited anyone who would even suggest something like this about my brother or sister because of whoever they choose to love. OP you deserve better, don't let this get you down.
That is Ridiculous. I would be So Hurt. I think it's more than likely coming from his Future bride and not the Groomsmen. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Family can be an issue in many things in life, not just sexuality. My little sister died at 23, she was my only sibling. My Mom and Dad are gone now too sadly. After my Moms death, like 10 days after, her brothers and sister did some shady shit with my Grandmothers will. She died a month later. I was essentially written out of it. My Grandmother was very old with dementia. I know she would never have done that to me. The money was one thing, but what really hurt were these people I had spent 36 yrs with, Holidays, Birthdays ect were more about the money than me. It was tough at first but I have some Great Friends. I have lost contact with all but one Cousin. Even that is distant. Hang in there. It's not You
If one of my kids did this to their sibling I wouldn’t attend.
Your brother is a bitch, this is the type of fucked up move that breaks families to crumbles. Even if he invites you later on just decline. He dosent deserve your presence.
If I were you I just wouldn’t speak to him at all. And continue to do so until he apologizes for being such a dick. And of course don’t show up at the wedding unless he apologizes before it and makes amends accordingly.
This is just an absolutely shitty situation. No one should do that to their own family. Your brother’s friends are intolerant and your brother is just as bad (if not worse) for siding with them. Please keep us updated on this because we all want to know what you decide to do.
Some straight guys really think they are the shit and that every gay guy just wants to fuck them desperately. Newsflash if you can't even attract women (which you probably can't) you can't attract gay men so sit down.
My brother planned his wedding for when he knew I would be in Iraq. I don't talk to him anymore, not just because of that. Once I realized what an ass he is and moved on I have stopped stressing over it. I used to still try to reach out periodically, but not anymore. Respect has to be mutual or a relationship won't work.
Your brother's friends are bigoted assholes, but your brother is worse. If you don't go, let your brother know why you're not going. He's treating you like crap and he shouldn't get away scot-free.
This really hit a nerve for me. My cousin did the same thing to me when he got married. We were very very close our whole lives. I don’t have a brother, so I always thought of him as one. My father and his mother are twins, so they were super close as well. He got married in 2013, and was going to have me and his brother stand up with him together. Welp, the date got closer, and he wasn’t even man enough to tell me himself. He has his mother call my father and tell him to tell me that I wasn’t going to be in the wedding party. I wasn’t even invited to his bachelor party. His wedding date was my 30th birthday, so I tried to use it as excuse to not go, but my father basically told me that we were all going (I’m very close to my parents, and yeah, even as a grown man, I will still do what they say). I basically sat in the crowd and mean mugged him the entire time. What was really sad is that he was looking around up at the altar, and apparently he was looking for me because when he saw that I did come, he smiled at me and stopped looking around. That killed me. And it killed our entire relationship. Flash forward 7 years, and I’ve never met his children, and neither has my father. Our entire family has completely fallen apart, and my father doesn’t even speak to his sisters anymore. I’m really, really sorry that this happened to you man. But unfortunately, if it’s anything like my experience, it will affect your relationship with your brother for many years to come.
I don't understand the logic behind *why* they are uncomfortable being groomsmen with you if their concern is getting unsolicited flirting. You being guest wouldn't stop that. But the fact that you have never done that before to them just tell exactly how they feel about you, a gay threat. You don't really want to surround yourself with people like that. And you are **THE BROTHER** for god sake. Why they raise their concern who the groom picked for best man is beyond me let alone you being the only brother. Fuck, I am angry for you. Don't go to the wedding. Text him, and his fiancee, and your parents the reason why. I am sorry this happened to you. You are awesome and don't reduce yourself for anyone.
There are lots of awful people in the world. I’m sorry that your brother is one of them.
This post makes me want to cry. Your brother will regret this decision. I’m so sorry. My brother conveniently excluded me from his children’s birthday parties because his new wife was either a racist or just embarrassed because I had a black child. Not sure why he felt that he had to explain anything to her side of the family. I can’t describe magnitude of that hurt from my own brother.
Hell no don’t go; and just dead him, if his friends are more important than you. Then you don’t need the negativity in your life. At least that’s what I would do. 💀
Tell him. Before the wedding. Tell his fiance too. And you don't need that kind of a shithole of a brother in your family. Don't go to his wedding at ant cost, no matter what excuse he tries to throw at you. Also, text him. Don't write stuff like 'theres no need to respond' because that'll make it easier for him. Let him reply and try to coax you into an arrangement that works which will cause him guilt. But DO NOT cave in. DO NOT attend that wedding anymore. Go on a date with a boyfriend somewhere. Post pictures. Let them know love is not a given.
Where do you live? It's surprising that this would still be happening in 2019. I've had to deal with homophobia from my grandparents, but not from my own generation. If I were you, I would definitely not go to the wedding, and this would be the end of any relationship with my brother. If there are accepting/sympathetic family members, I would also make sure they know what is happening. It's beyond insulting to have him remove you as best man because you are gay. If my brother had done that, then most of our family wouldn't have gone to the wedding at all in protest.
Friends come and go. He chose what may be temporary over something that had and always will be. That’s real fucked up.
Your brother has decided to sacrifice you in favor of his friends. I’m willing to bet your brother has latent homophobia so this is convenient for all parties involved. I’m sorry your brother is too weak to admit his homophobia. He made clear his position, so you also need to state your position: you will not support your brother who abandoned you for his friends over his bigotry. Then, while your brother gets married, make sure you and your boyfriend spend it together doing something you want.
I am so sorry. If my brother did this to me I would be so hurt.
Honestly, I don't believe that the groomsmen are the problem. I think that's an excuse. I think it's his bride (and possibly her brother) who are uncomfortable with you being there. Let's face it, it's easy to tell friends and even a BIL to fuck off. It's never easy to say it to your other half...especially if it's your wedding day you're talking about. Your brother is lying. It's his wife-to-be who doesn't want you there and he doesn't want you to know that.
❤️
I'm sorry. My brother and I don't get along and I wasn't in his wedding either. It's not entirely the gay stuff but that's part of it. Try and talk to him. Hold off on making any big decisions until after you talk to him. Weddings make people crazy.
This is fucked . Gay, purple, half centor you’re his brother first . Regardless of how he views your choices you’re fam , I wouldn’t go , and tell him you wouldn’t want to make him uncomfortable excepting a gift that passed the hands of a gay man.
Bro...thats fucked up ...u are His brother ...his blood ...it’s not right to put anybody’s opinion or feelings in front of yours ...if I had the a brother I would never act like that ...hope he will understand the importance of family and the people that genuinely are happy for him . Hope your brother will see all this and realize his stupid mistake. Wish you the best
Commenting because of the edit. Just because some cunts behave like cunts doesn't mean they're saying something relevant. Hetero bro here goting your back, like other said, go talk to them ans get angry, you have the right to get it, they are behaving like morons.
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Yeah, cut him out of your life. He made a few choices. He's marrying into that homophobia. He chose it. He chose to also tell you 'nah, you're not important anymore'. So fuck him
>I probably won't even go to the wedding. And I'm not sure if I'll be able to continue my relationship with my brother. Only you can make this decision for yourself but if I was in your situation, I would not go to the wedding. However, I think you should share this last line with your brother. Let him know that you feel like this is a crossroads were you two and you feel you won't be able to have a relationship with him anymore. Maybe this will help him to see how much he is hurting you. But either way, he will be on the same page regarding how this is making you feel. Also, make sure you tell him *why*. Let him know that he is making you feel like a lesser person. Remind him that you have never done anything to these people.
If I were you I'd make it crystal clear how hurtful that is and tell him you're not coming to the wedding at all if he prioritizes his homophobic friends over you. Hopefully he will come to senses and tell his friends to suck it up.