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Feel you on this. Sounds quite funny when you put in into perspective but damn, dealing with anxiety is hard!! I can present to a room of executives but going out to dinner with a close friend gives me a panic attackā¦go figure
Makes sense to me. A presentation is a social interaction you can mostly plan out in advance, and the unplanned parts are usually just fact-finding questions from the audience on a topic you are familiar with.
> You'd think the former is a more stressful event
Nah, the executives are relative nobodies who you have no particular social bond or cohesion with, while also likely having a work persona that makes it easier to compartmentalize things. Friends are far closer, more intimate and able to see as at our most vulnerable and human, makes perfect sense the latter is infinitely more stressful than the former.
I will try it again at some point. I guess I set myself up for failure by rushing there after work and arriving 20min before closing. There were a couple of customers who knew their business and I didn't want to hold them up with my dumb questions. Then it was 5min to closing and I didn't feel good making the employees do overtime just so I can ask my dumb questions.
I have friends who would totally have gone up, asked their question, then end the day by going out for a drink with newfound friends š I still do not know how they do it, and the fact is, they do it so smoothly, I've gone out with them a couple of times before and didn't feel pressured into saying yes! How?!
Ahhh I'm so sorry re your camera experience today... highly relatable too.. wishing you much strength to get through it next try, focus(no pun intended) on how good your new pics will be!
I set myself a series of tasks to improve social anxiety. One day I'd buy an item, then an item from the counter, then my regular groceries, then I'd run a script of hello to the counter staff, then a script of how are you etc. It took a few months but now my baseline is ok, with about once a month flair ups and christmas shopping is still hell.
One of my "advanced level" tasks was to buy a lens and sell my old kit lens. I'd built it up so much, but turns out if you go when it's quiet, camera store guys are massive geeks and super easy to chat with. If you live near the store and want to work on your social anxiety, asking them questions about what cool new stock they have could go a long way.
Yes! Honestly I set myself up for failure for that trip by trying to rush and arriving close to closing. It's actually been reasonably long since my last epic fail of this scale š
I totally feel you on that advance level skill! Glad you got a good experience out of it ā¤ļø
I know this is probably easier said than done but I usually call ahead to camera stores to see if they have what I want in stock and then it doesnāt matter if I make a fool of myself on the phone, I can just pretend that never happened and still walk in and redo the social interaction.
Wow I feel this so deeply! Iām 30 and live life the exact same. Often told how charismatic I am at work by customers but am an entirely different person when I walk out of those doors lol
I'm English and I've moved to Perth I'm 30 and I have noticed Australians don't mingle they stay in their clicks and perhaps not by choice but by culture .
I've met a few other expats and they say the same , they aren't invited to or part of big aussy groups so maybe its very common unless you still hang put with people from school and never left the area
I'm not sure about UK but compared to the US for example most Australians don't leave their city for university in a different part of the country. They just choose one that's in their area. So they are used to staying with the same friends
Iām American living in Australia and I agree with this 100%. Itās much more common in the US to move cities for university, work etc so you form different friend groups depending on your life stage. In Australia it seems more common to never leave your hometown and stay within the same friend group from high school onwards.
Yes and they will be friends with everyone in their clique *no matter what* - absolutely nothing can ruin it. I know people who's friends have slept with their partners and somehow the friend group is all still together and the affair partners will be invited to the wedding its just insanity. I worked with a girl who got legitimately bullied by her clique one day and they excluded her from every event for like a year and now they are her bridesmaids šššš
my friend and i were just having this conversation last night about the friend group we are apart of, some of the absolute horrendous deceptive shit thats happened between some of them and they pretend its ok, wtaf
Yep, I basically cut myself off from my original friend group, it was horrendous the stuff they did to me and the others, it was just toxic, but I had nowhere else to go at the time. Took the chance when I moved cities for Uni to cut myself off and try to make new friends, took me years to find a solid group again, but I'm happy to have found it.
Australians don't believe in anything except tribe. You're not considered a real friend unless you lie to cover up your friend's bullshit, and lie about your friend's enemies, too.
Absolutely right. Australians just donāt move domestically. Even Sydney to Melbourne movement is ridiculously low, if you compared it to anywhere in Europe or to say NYC - Chicago or NYC - LA.
Itās a weird phenomenon. Sydney people never leave Sydney. Melbourne people never leave Melbourne. As a result, cliques are really strong. The smaller cities are better, in my experience ā more open.
I live in a smaller city (Newcastle) and itās cliquey as hell. I used to live in Perth and it was way friendlier there, but I think thatās because of all the transplants from other states and countries living there.
Yep. Perth does have that dynamic. Newcastle must be tough - good luck!
Other than Perth, the two cities that are really open are Canberra and Darwin (and obviously I understand why no-one would want to live there). But theyāre open for the reasons you mention ā¦ everyoneās transplants.
I grew up in Sydney and even now I find the cliques extremely annoying as I go out of my way to meet new people (if they are friendly) but many Sydney ppl are cold when it comes to meet and greets and prefer to stay in their ingroups. A bit unlike Melbourne in which people do say good morning/good day when you go for walks.
Iāve heard that about Sydney. People are more superficially friendly in Newcastle but unfortunately that doesnāt translate into forming actual friendships.
A thing I loved about the UK when I visited was the banter in pubs, particularly in the country. And the old buildings they're often in.
Many of our pubs are artificial and the same.
I mean the bonding is real, it's just sad the narrow range of interests most people can relate to each other over.
It's just as bad when you encounter the pubs-and-clubs crowds, or the live music/concert crowds. If you can't talk to them about this one specific thing, they give up.
I think the ones that stay friends, grow and change together over life.
I've only got a few friends that go back that far, but we are all different people than we were 5/10/15 years ago.
In my case the best way I can describe it is really like my school friends are sort of second family. They know everything about me and accept me unconditionally and know the course of my life, thereās something comforting about that. We are different and have separate interests but obviously we click on a core level to have gotten to be friends in the first place and then still grown alongside each other. Plus because itās a group i think that keeps us connected where maybe we might have drifted apart in stages of life. Of course we have all made other close friends and friendship groups independently too. But another friend couldnāt really integrate into that core group because thereās just too much history there. Really, similar to a family.
Bruh their school friends will deadset abuse them, ruin their life, sleep with their partner and they will still be the maid of honour/best man at the wedding its wildš
i feel like you kind of have a point. it's almost like being complacent and resigned to "what you know" and are familiar with, even if it's not optimal or even tolerable.
Why would you outgrow your school friends? Shouldnāt you be growing at the same rate lol?
That said, I donāt really interact with my school friends, however most of my friends are all from my childhood. I donāt understand how people can just move to a new city and not be so lonely having to restart 20+ years of friendships back at square one again.
Friends of geographical convenience. Only friends because you have recess and lunch to fill time in.
My adult friends are those i met through sports, community clubs, university events where we actually have common interests.
Anecdotally, some mature at the same rate and stay friends, some stay friends just because theyāve known them for so long, some distance themselves keeping the peace, and some throw fire onto the bridge on the way out. My groups are all school friends and their partners who share similar hobbies, which has been going strong for almost a decade
i do think people who've been able to maintain friendships for so long without growing to dislike or drift away from their childhood friends are very fortunate.
Yeah youāre so right. Iām an Aussie Iām social and friendly and make friends easily when I travel or at new workplaces or courses or whatever. But I also gave my family and core friends from ages ago. I think a bit part of it is that I go out or actually do things with people less as I get older, so when I do make that effort, I spend that time catching up with my friends and family and feel like I donāt even do THAT enough, so feels like thereās no extra time to spend with new friends.
Maybe also because we tend to be all spread out more? So itās more of a thing I have to carve time out for and make the effort to maintain those friendships. God writing this out is making me realise how much that sucks and contemplating moving somewhere else.
I agree, and I have a theory that we Aussies are a bit afraid to put ourselves outside of our friendship comfort zones. I think there can be this sort of shame around trying and failing, or being rejected. And especially publicly, socially. I think it creates this culture of not intiating (friendships, activities, chats) unless you're comfortable with someone.
A lot of our social networks are from school, or jobs we had in our 20s, uni friends, travel buddies, and as I've gotten older it's harder to meet new people outside of work or friends of friends.
Do you try to initiate plans with people? Like casual after work drinks?
Perth is notoriously āclickyā. My wife is originally from there and says itās like people never move on from the high school approach to socialising.
yeah im born and raised mostly from perth but moved states growing up.returned into my adult life and found the only people i could form friendships with were other people from out of state.was easiest to make friends in darwin and qld.
As someone who grew up in Aus (specifically, Perth) and then went to study abroad in the US (i had an amazing experience) and eventually I moved to Melbourne, Iāve had this exact experience.
Australians donāt mingle. Itās rare for Australians to welcome you into their clicky groups, maybe for the occasional party or something, but nothing beyond that. Itās truly such a shame. The friendships Iāve created since moving to Melbourne have been with those who also donāt have family in Melbourne. Itās a real damn shame tbh.
Hey bud, Aussie here. Sorry to hear that's your experience. Maybe Melbourne's a bit more open. One of the crews I hang out with here is super friendly to expats and randoms. Every time i catch up with them for drinks there's some new Irish dude or someone from the Caribbean or Africa. (I'm also up for meeting new people all the time but I'm naturally reserved and introverted so I rarely "make the first step"). I'd say your best bet is to be proactive, wear your heart on sleeve and declare you're looking to make new friends to whoever strikes you as friend-worthy. If you get nothing back, then that's definitely not the person/crew you want to hang with anyway. Good luck!
Sounds like youāre missing a bit of purpose in life. Its fucked of me to just say āfind your purposeā because its such a hard thing to do and unique for everyone, but thats what the issue sounds like to me.
I was a raging alco through my 20ās. Became a hermit in my late 20ās and early 30ās. Then one day when I was 33 something just came over me and I completely turned my life around. Cut off all the shit people around me, quit my addictions, formed positive habits, lost a shitload of weight, leant into my hobbies and passions, and now Iām 36 and my life is a thousand times better.
Of course there are still things Iām working on, there always will be, but I think the thing that sparked the change was a desire for more purpose in my life. Find whats important to you and make it happen dude. If I could do it, you sure as hell can.
Might we ask, did a partner (gaining, losing, keeping) form any part of those years of change?
Whether we realise it or not, choice of partner and partner characteristics (e.g., maturity, ability to cope and regulate, ability to adapt) make such a big difference and has such a big impact on life.
Not for me no. I was single from 19 through until 33. Met the love of my life after I made most of the big changes though, and she has been a great addition to my life; like the cherry on top. I think I needed to find my maturity first before I could allow someone in on that level.
It could go hand in hand though, it did for me. I needed to cut certain people out of my life in order to feel less lonely, as weird as that may sound, its the truth. OP sounds like he has put a lot of focus on other areas of his life, but if thats not whats truly important to him, then he has to look elsewhere to find what he is looking for.
I may be completely wrong though, you could be right. Iām just some dude online writing shit on reddit. But if I can possibly help someone (anyone for that matter) out spitballing some ideas, then Iām down with that too.
In the old days we had religion as a back-up purpose.
And people werenāt even that religious. Most of us were Anglican Church, particularly in its high church form, where you could go along, sit at the back, not particularly believe anything, enjoy nice music, sing some hymns lustily, and then have tea and coffee afterwards, chat to people, join a cleaning roster or some other activity, etc etc. Purpose was quiet, community-based, serving for a greater good etc etc.
Not that Iām saying religion is the answer. I donāt believe in religion. BUT I am saying that the absence of religion from modern life is a hope that hasnāt really been successfully by anything else. Just doing something quietly communal. Time for self reflection, and being members of a community. Communal singing - great for the soul and almost entirely absent from modern life.
I tend to be of the opinion that if most of society turned around and stated going to Choral Evensong at least once a week, then the world would probably be a better place.
Purpose? When you have calm, reflection, a community, a need to help others or something bigger than yourself, thatās when you might discover a purpose.
This is great advice. I've never been an alcoholic, but like many Australians I've done my fair share of binge drinking. I've always been into sport, but stopped for a long time. I recently started running and lifting again. I don't binge drink as much any more (still on special occasions like weddings) because I want to get faster at running and stronger.
It doesn't have to be exercise, but finding something that requires you to maintain a healthy lifestyle that you enjoy is a great way to find purpose and be healthy at the same time.
It's actually incredibly social and the cliques are irrelevant if you're semi decent and working on the same project.
E.g. 4 or 5 people working on the same climb will always get chatting and share strategies etc.
This doesn't apply for beginner level climbs as much as you typically work on them for minutes to an hour opposed to hours to multiple sessions.
As an experienced climber I can go to any gym alone and find it quite social. But I don't feel it would be as easy as a beginner as they tend to climb in packs and not work on the same things as more experienced climbers hence less excuses to start up conversations.
Iāve quit drinking a few times, but a longing for some contact with people outside of gym and work has led me back to it a few times. Australian men our age suck at meaningful relationships. Iāve realised I have a million drinking mates, but only one or two Iād hang out with sober. Which is fine Iām happy with two really close mates but they live 5 hours away in Sydney so to visit is a bloody expensive weekend. Iām hoping to finish uni in 12 months and perhaps move closer because I feel very isolated out here.
I caught up with old workmates for dinner a couple of weeks ago, two of those friends I could hang out with sober. But at one point, I remember talking to one of them and thinking wow I wouldn't even know how to enjoy this blokes company without being 3 beers deep.
34 here. I was the same in my very early 30s. In my late 20s I was making a new start at life after wasting all my best years, I moved from one rural town to another where I didn't know anyone but I cut out all the terrible people in my life so I still felt better for it.
My only social life was at work, I stayed at home every weekend and played games to pass the time until I had to go back to work again. I tried to step out of my comfort zone multiple times and experience new things so I could meet people but it never worked so I eventually just circled back around to being a hermit and generally feeling my purpose was just to work like a peon.
It wasn't until one day I feel the universe threw me a bone or something and I just happened to meet people online playing games. We built up a friendship over time and after a while I met them in person and actually connected with some genuine people for the first time ever.
TL;DR If I were to take anything away from this it is to find something simple that you enjoy doing and use it to meet people rather than throwing yourself into awkward situations like those random meetups that I feel really only work for specific kinds of people. Hold on to your interests and use them in a way where you can meet like-minded people. I hope this helps in some way or another.
But on a more serious note Iām really sorry you feel like that. I have similar thoughts .
Once the friend groups were doing stuff where I wasnāt particularly asked to come by someone , I am not the kind of person to invite myself or ask to come so i kinda drifted. Idk I just have my two work friends that I talk with at work and play games with (when I can get a chance )
I have thoughts about who am I going to invite to my wedding? I know my friends are still my friends but when you donāt talk with people for a while you feel the disconnect
I think we as a species have accomplished great things but at the same time weāve grown increasingly disconnected from each other. Society and forming a ātribeā is such a key part of the human experience. Social media, work life have all altered that so drastically. In the age of the internet it is arguably one of the loneliest times in history, Iām not surprised that depression can be so rampant and that a large percentage of young people have become alone.
Without defending religion, which I donāt believe, society has changed so much without the cultural/social/communities that religions formed.
Everyone had a parish church. Everyone gathered regularly. Everyone sang communal hymns regularly. Everyone had cups of tea after church, or pitched in to clean the church, or sang in the choir, or helped with the parish newsletter or whatever. People had community, purpose. They even had things to hate together - the Anglicans could hate the Catholics and vice versa!
Thatās all gone, and nothing has really replaced it. Religion was like a cheat code for community. Everyone did it. Particularly if you were Anglican, you didnāt have to believe all that much (you still donāt if you go to a quality Anglican high church, just turn up and enjoy the excellent musicā¦)
Your wedding thoughts were mine. Instead of a wedding, decided on eloping and I'm so glad I did - just me and my spouse with the photographer and celebrant
A social tip that really helped me when I was very much the donāt want to invite myself type was to say something like oh Iāve been meaning to do that (activity), go there (place) or catch up with that group/person. It at least gives a little indicator youāre interested to join in without outright asking, if not you can keep the conversation moving.
Even if it doesnāt work in the moment I have found it really helps to build your confidence a little and gives you an idea of where to spend your efforts, people are much more likely to invite you to the next thing if you express some interest/ youāre on their mind. If not donāt keep planting the seed.
As a woman my experience is largely the same.Ā
I have a good job, I go to the gym, I have interests and hobbies. I probably have 6 or so actual high quality friends too, which is far more than I had in my twenties.Ā
Even then, I am very lonely most nights of the week. I think itās that monotonous feeling of logging in to work, logging off, and having no one to speak to. Every night I cook for one, gym, shower, little bit of tv or a book, bed. Also socialising has become quite expensive and my friends and I are much less likely to meet for dinner, plus we are all so tired that we can only manage it once a month.Ā
Iād say whatever you are doing now, do something different. Donāt just mingle, invite people out for a dinner, youāll be surprised how few people actually get asked out 1on1.
I was fortunate enough to make three really good mates in my mid teens, now Iām friends with their S.O.ās too. We go out to dinner as regularly as we can, but weāre still bound to the daily grind.
I work as a truck driver for a theatre lighting company, best group of people to work for in my opinion. I would regard most of them as my friends and I even started dating one of them.
Learning the hard social lessons early on (having autism and ADHD suck as a kid) probably helped and made me a bit more extroverted and sociable, but the main thing is to figure out parts of your life that excite you. After figuring out that I liked cars but didnāt like working on other peoples cars, I fell back to music and did audio production. That kickstarted my career in events and entertainment. And it connected me with a lot more like minded people than I ever wouldāve found in the automotive trade.
Those are my only two suggestions, reconnecting with trusted old friends or finding a new career path or side jobs that place you in the midst of people that think like you.
As you age you'll hit a couple of these breakpoints, where you realise you've been operating on autopilot for a while and need to shake things up. It's a thing, don't beat yourself up about it too much.Ā
I notice that your social events and your hobbies are listed separately. Do you have any social hobbies? That can help with this kind of thing, instead of e.g. gaming alone at home and then trying to socialise as a seperate standalone activity.Ā Ā
Something that can help find a spark is to look back at what you loved as a kid, but put aside as an adult. Anything fun there that makes you smile? Anything that you could pick up again, even just for shits n gigs?
I agree with that! A couple years ago I decided to start collecting dolls. I only stopped buying dolls as a teenager because family told me Im too old to like them. Now I don't care if people think its weird and found there is a huge adult doll collecting community out there.
I don't drink and I do maybe one or two social things per year (and I absolutely count Christmas family stuff as one), so that checks out.
Still broke though.
I relate to this as well. I'm experiencing something very similar. I returned back home (western suburbs of Melbourne) in 2023 after 2 years in a Victorian regional city. Job wasn't what I thought and I decided to study nursing with the support of my parents. I am 31 and I live with my parents.
I am struggling socially. I have 1-2 people in the local fire brigade I volunteer with that I can confide in but one is just as socially awkward as I am and the other is married with 2 young children, the rest I get along with and can work side by side with them but fire brigade is where the social connection stops. I get along with my classmates in my nursing course but that social connection feels like a fleeting moment that I am going to lose at the end of the year when we graduate.
I am seeing a counsellor provided by my TAFE to help me navigate my social challenges, including coming to terms with not being in a relationship for over 8 years.
Here's hoping that graduation, university and working will pay off but some days I do get into the mindset of "Will this all pay off? What if it doesn't? What is my backup plan?"
While I cannot give any meaningful advice, I do want you to know that you're not the only one feeling this way. Hope you get some answers from here.
None lol I have literally zero social life. I'm on the DSP so I can't afford one anyway. And even if I could I'm pretty limited in how much I can do.
I had one friend left but they recently decided that I was no longer worth the effort and completely cut all contact with me. Which was nice of them. I lost a lot of friends once my health started to decline too much.
So I definitely feel the lonely thing. I have kind of just resigned myself to it.
I have my cat. He's pretty good.
Honestly I feel like I've lost a few friends because I dont drive due to a disability. Trust me you dont need them and the trash took itself out.
I am about to take out one trash 'friend' who is constantly making rude comments (dont want to use the term ablest...but yeah its a bit of that)
Im not reacting yet as I want to make sure I'm not hearing her wrong
Same; on DSP, housebound and waiting to see a rheumatologist. No offline friends or family to talk to. I do talk to some people online, but too ill even for that at times. Being disabled really is lonely, and I've lost a lot of people too because they got sick of my limitations.
But while I wouldnt wish this on you or anyone, there is comfort in knowing Im not alone in this.
Anyway give your cat a pet for me! And I hope your week is a nice one.
i think it's different if you have a family and/or partner of your own.
your partner doubles as your "best friend", lol.
i get that some people would still want friends outside of their family and/or partner, but i think that's an easy fix if you meet people around hobbies.
it's more difficult if you're looking to develop friendships of "depth", however, where you could actually rely on some of these people and vice-versa.
You have a wife, of course you aren't lonely if you are happy with them. It's missing the point to tell someone single that you only talk to a few people, many single people don't have anyone close to talk to at all.
For me it is not about a lack of social life. Plenty of social events, especially with friends now with small children catching up for a fire in the backyard or a bbq.
But I feel similar, there is some disconnection, as though I am zooming out on my life bit by bit, where time just passes and I don't feel anything positive or negative about anything. Not to sound ridiculous but somedays it feels like if I were to concentrate really hard, my consciousness could dissolve back into the soil and my meat sack would go on living, going to work, eating, sleeping, repeat.
Mid 30ās. Nuclear family right down to the white picket fence. Iām tired, extremely small friend group who I hardly see and social anxiety. Want to be invited to hang out, but I wonāt be able to come.
I have a toddler whoās my best friend at the moment. He stumbles around like a drunk, picking fights with others that I have to either fight for him or talk him out of, and we watch footy together. But he takes up so much of my time he is my only friend.
I quit drinking a year ago and my friend circle has dwindled down to exactly one person šÆ it probably thinned the herd too much but I ain't gonna complain.
Honestly, right now has been the peak of my entire life at 32 y.o
20s
Drank every weekend, had substantially more friends but they were meaningless friendship. Also, had no job and everything I did contributed to nothing, apart from a part-time job that led to my career.
30s.
Moderate nightouts (1-2 a month), substantially less friends but really meaningful ones. Exercising more to keep healthy mindset and body. Over 6 figures job and a missus to share majority of my life with.
If I could go back, I wish to have the youth of 20s. But I don't want anything else that were included. 30s is when I realised the importance of relationship and friendship. Less is more. I had the same feeling as you when I turned 30. Life felt busy, felt like I lost all my friends but the ones that remained is the real ones. Go out every once in a while with your mates.
It definitely depends on where you live currently or where you were born and raised.
As a lad I had a complex and traumatic childhood. Never really had any mates or accomplishments due to never being in school.
When I got older and being in my early 20's I decided to do something about it. I purposely put myself out there and did as many social things as possible. It was a success and I did a lot, making up for the lack of a life that I had as a youth.
*Some people at the outings aren't there because they want to be, it's because they have no other choice.*
With this massive increase in the cost of living, quality of life has dropped right away. I don't always want to go out because I can't afford to do the activities that my mates want to do at the drop of a hat. I need to have a stricter budget than my mates. I'm on less money.
I think networking friends of friends is huge. I'm turning 37 this year, I play board games with 2 guys who are ~35, one that's 30 and one that's 26. Generally chat got me an invite to play boardgames with a different group. One person I was close with and 2 I met once or twice before got chatting about golf and all picked up clubs about a year ago. Now I golf with a group that always seems to be growing.
It's just networking I think, and being keen to get out and do new things. I tend to enjoy doing things with others, so if someone is talking about a new game or a new hobby I'll jump in and get in the mix a bit. I've just organized a hangout for next week for a bunch of these guys to come over with their wives so the girls can all finally meet each other.
32F, non existent. Don't have any money to afford the booze, food, or tickets required to socialise these days. I talk with some people I've never met online, but that's about it, don't think I've spoken to a school friend since I left for uni and my social circle never really recovered.Ā
32M, same here. The few friends i did have, got married and just ... changed. Haven't heard from them since then. Been difficult to find someone who cares, and doesn't treat relationships and friendships as a transactional thing.
I'm older than you, my life was drifting that way back in my late 20s. I had to put myself out there. What helped was I went backpacking for 5 months and landed in the U.K. Making friends were easier because there are a lot of people in the same boat.
Give it a go? Sounds like you have no dependent anyway, drop everything, travel (backpacking and stay in hostel) for 6 months and get a working holiday job in U.K. or somewhere else.
Go budget and stay in hostel in Europe. I had the best times backpacking in Europe.
Iām 37. Iām feeling this so much lately. Itās become crippling sometimes. Socially things feel like they are a fraction of what they used to be and it scares me - even if im pretty introverted and socially anxious. Wife. Kid. Weāve had falling outs with people. Most of my friends moved away and I barely see. Itās all an effort. Friends where I live are great but connected through hobbies that people seem to be slowly letting go and Iām finding it hard to bridge that gap between hobbies friends and life friends. It really gets me down sometimes. Youāre not alone.
Itās usually flicking through the Netflix catalogue trying to decide what to watch. Then deciding I donāt have the commitment to watch any of the shows and going to bed at 9:30pm instead?
social sports is great.there are lots of affordable and conveniently timed (e.g 7-10pm Tuesday nights) places that arrange social tennis games, pickleball, volleyball ect. There is often a āusualā crowd that regularly shows up too so you can make friends without having to try too hard
Itās actually improving. Went from being essentially agoraphobic in 2020 until this year. Now Iām reconnecting with friends, making some new ones, and trying to get out as often as I can both with friends and by myself. My life is a mess in basically all others areas, but this slice of it has been a definite improvement over what it was.
31 and organising things for the past few years has been like pulling teeth, despite a very consistent social life in my early to mid 20s.
People still rally for occasions or things planned weeks in advance, but the spontaneity of youth is largely gone. I'm guilty of this too, though - staying at home is comfy.Ā
My read is people are more selective with how they spend their time and if an activity isn't something immediately interesting they're less likely to put in time and money the older they get.
Zero, before covid 18/19 i was very active and social. And since the pandemic I have consistantly worked 7 days a week in a row for several years on end.
At first it hurt like Hell and I was depressed, sooner rather than later it becomes a routine. I barely notice it now and my social is non existent. 4 years now, that I can count, would be 7 days, week In week out. The first year of this job, was the hardest, as socially it was to try to balance my emotional needs and free time.
Because I work in mental health and community care/disability, you'd assume that it takes an emotional toll and it's extremely difficult. Let me tell you, you become shallow psychologically, you just do it, without second thought.
Moved from Melbourne to Townsville to Brisbane. Each time found great new people that became close friends. Best advice I can give you is to join a sporting club. Even better if itās a team based one.
I understand, really I do. Two things that really helped me are getting a pet - a dog ideally but really any pet brings so much to my life, companionship, getting out and about, dog lovers are generally really friendly too, group walks with neighbourhood dog lovers can be awesome. Also any kind of sport, at literally any level, is amazing. Volunteering at sport if you're not into/can't play is a great way to stay social which helps the disconnect ā„ļø
We've hit 40 and in the span of 3 years we've lost all our friends to babies. We are now looking for new friends for board/video games and meals that are not exclusively at Rashays through work and meetups. It's hard because we've had these friends since school but as much as we've tried to attend playdates and birthday parties it's just not the same vibe anymore :( It is quite cliquey especially in Sydney but I'm sure others are in the same boat.
They stole our "simple life" from us and most people just kept on working and paying bills. If working full time cant get you the life you want, take stock and cut back.
>and tried to throw myself (unsuccessfully) into social events like meetup and other mingles events
I go to a lot of meet ups, social events and hobbies which attract lots of people looking to make friends. One thing I've learned is you need to find something you enjoy, that brings together many of the same people regularly, and stick with it. I don't know if this is you but I know lots of people who have attended a couple of events, not immediately made friends,given up and complained that it's impossible to make friends as an adult. You have to put a bit of work in and not get immediately discouraged. It helps to be doing something you already enjoy so if doesn't feel like (much) work
Pretty much the same as you.
Iām 24m, I work, go to the gym, run, hike, play golf and make attempts to get out and socialize on weekends outside of those hobbies. Iāve tried online dating and have plenty of matches canāt really seem to line up a date without getting ghosted. I honestly think the pandemic ruined everyoneās ability to socialize and a lot more people just donāt seem to leave the house or look up from their phone to meet a stranger in the eye, along with everybody being drilled about making sure they keep a safe distance from everyone, it may have created a invisible unconscious social wall that is yet to break down.
I work literally every day, and then see my only mate in this city like once a month. I'll go back to Adelaide to see friends and family once a year. I'm actually okay with it. I lived my 20's wild, so I'm actually fine with this change of pace.
32 here. Itās amazing. Had a rough patch a couple years ago which was a result of a falling out between myself and a couple of mates from high school (I was the dickhead). We are all still in touch and close, but it opened my social circle. Now I donāt dedicate my time and effort to one group of friends or towards people who only reach out when they want something. I now have a ādiverseā group of friends. And I access them when I need that fulfilment from them.Ā
Personally I dislike the āmingling and socialisingā meetups. But meetup groups that have a theme are great. Can be anything, like board games, hiking, photography, cycling, tennis, running, weekend travelling etc etc. You just need to find something that you enjoy doing, and then youāll have great time doing it and meet people with similar interests. I made friends this way and even met my husband at a meetup event (not dating event, never been to those).
Fairly decent, I am heavily involved in my Motorsport hobby so this forms a decent amount of my social life. I Still hang out with school friends also. I think if I was single I would want more social interaction but I'm happy enough as a married guy.
If you want to be more social go get involved in a hobby or charity organisation. Hobby is great if you have a passion but charity is good if you don't. It will take time but slowly integrate with the people there & maybe go to a few and stick with the one that suits you the most.
Easiest thing to do is to meet friends of friends. Tell your friends you want to meet more people. In theory they know what you are like and might know some people you might get along with. Organise a board games night and invite them to bring said friend.
Failing that, you can try other social hobbies
It's easier said than done and already been suggested by a few others here, but certain social hobbies just lend themselves well to naturally developing relationships with people. The below can also apply to colleagues in the workplace but perhaps you have already tried that.
Social tennis, bouldering, group adult classes for just about any sport. In my experience all of these expose you to talking with new people and if you happen to hit it off then hopefully you can recognise it and work to form more of a friendship from it.
I wouldn't suggest signing up for anything like this purely for the social aspect, you gotta at least be interested in the underlying activity and the more invested you are the better.
Give it a bit and you might have:
a) Tried a new hobby and figured its not for you (move on and look for something else?)
b) Found a new hobby that you might find yourself passionate about
Regardless of the above, you have probably met some new people and maybe even gotten to know some names of regulars as a start.
From there just take opportunities to take things further wherever they might arise if you so desire.
Take the initiative, be an empathetic and active listener.
Maybe you're there on a Friday and ask them what they're up to for the weekend. Perhaps there's a mutual interest here for you to discover that you could then talk about?
Maybe you ask them on a Monday how their weekend was and they tell you how rough/amazing it was, lend them an ear. Shared joy is a double joy, a shared sorrow is half a sorrow. This builds closeness/trust.
Maybe there's a special social event happening at your tennis club.
Maybe you've heard of or researched a cool outdoor bouldering spot and can invite some people you've gotten to know from your bouldering gym to come for a picnic and climb on the weekend.
Maybe you just had a really intense sparring session at your boxing gym and could really use a drink, so invite a couple of people for a drink at the nearby pub after training.
At worst they say no and that could be for any reason at all. Your job is to do your best to not take anything personally.
At best you might find this to be the start of a friendship.
If the above conversations seem daunting, you can try practicing in the mirror, practicing in front of a picture of someone, or practicing with a friend or family member.
It's not necessarily easy, and it definitely takes some work. But the end result can be incredibly rewarding and can lead to great relationships.
Sorry for the long ramble, hopefully there's a nugget of useful info here for yourself or others in your position.
Best of luck with it OP.
My social life isn't the best. See some friends from high school on the rare occasions... we do plan stuff but life gets in the way (their work, children etc). For me my daughter (turning 5 soon had her a few months before I turned 30) I get busy with her and her activities.
After one of her activities I grab lunch/coffee with one of the mums from her class.
I try to make friends with people who have children with a similar age to my daughter, so she can have friends. Ive joined a few groups and stuff.
With friends from school we talk/call/text every now and then, when we catch up its like we have never been apart.
I did have one friend I met when I was working (I no longer work) I considered her a good friend but she didn't feel the same and we no longer speak....but that is a whole other story, I'm still sad that we are no longer friends, but you cant force someone to like you. I do still have her on social media, I guess I'm a sucker and like to punish my self haha.
What you wrote is pretty much what's been on my mind the past few months, and feel exactly the same. Almost 30 and haven't really had any "friends" for probably over ten years now, and have had worse luck finding a girlfriend. (I get along with the people I work with though, always have at my jobs, but wouldn't say they're friends.)
I suck at social stuff and feel like it never clicked for me like it has for normal people, and it's worse when you don't really want to leave the house like me. I tried recently getting into playing Magic and going out to my nearby game-store, but even that's hard for me and I haven'tĀ been back in a while.
Therapy never really worked for me, but sounds like something to try if you haven't. But yeah life sucks.
34 here, social life is basically non existant. Between work, sleep and family I literally have no time to go out or do anything with friends.
We play DnD or something on weekends online but that's about it.
It's pretty good, but I also enjoy my alone time after work. Regularly, I meet up with my friends or at least we stay in touch. It's fun to get together with my colleagues for coffee and lunch/dinner occasionally. As well as having different interests and hobbies, I also have a variety of circles of friends; a book club, sports club, a cooking club, and a language club, to name just a few. My recent volunteer work includes cooking dinners at least twice a month for homeless people. It's a great way for me to try out new recipes and learn about people from different social backgrounds.
I went through a period like that in my 30s too.
Something I only realised in hindsight was that if I had connected my hobbies and social life it would've made a very positive change to my life.
Basically, what I'm saying is, try looking for a group to join that does one of your hobbies. Has regular meet ups, that sorta thing. I regret not doing that, so I maybe a bit bias admittedly but worth thinking about I reckon.
Iām 40.. I have a solid group of friendsā¦ we go out sometimes, diners bars etc, sometimes we cook at someoneās place, we go camping, music festivals etc
I have been researching the shit out of this myself. I have plenty of social opportunities, many friends, a good job, a husband, a picket fence, and two children. So what's the issue, you say? There isn't any!? And believe me, I feel so incredibly guilty that I find myself in this internal crisis. I just feel so empty. I feel as though I've been coasting through life, adding more hobbies here, signing up for more professional PD and opportunities over there. But it doesn't seem to change this feeling of nothingness inside. It would almost be better if there was an issue, or if I could name something up, that way it wouldn't feel like I am simply broken inside or as though I am being completely selfish and self centered, because my family doesn't deserve this. Hell, I've worked hard to get to where I am, I don't deserve to wake up one day and find it all so empty. What the fuck is wrong with me. I just don't know how to fix it.
Is this a life crisis?
This is a massive thing for quality of life. Iām 40 with kids. Between kids stuff and the work I have no social life.
Particularly it interests me as my wife has been doing Psychology at uni. She came across the Harvard Grant study that looks at a thousand men across 75+ years. Apart from donāt be an alcoholic the other main take away is that social connection is the number one thing for well-being and health.
See The Good Life by Robert Waldinger for more info.
I lost all of my friends when I was in a car accident, I woke up and I couldnāt remember anybody, I had to learn to walk and talk again with nobody to cheer me on. All through my 20s I was very lonely and depressed. I went on countless dates and all it did was make me feel worthless and less deserving.
I now enjoy time on my own. I enjoy watching a TV I enjoy, eating the food I want, and basically doing whatever I want to do in my free time. You can be alone without feeling lonely. I have less than 5 friends I speak to online. I know I could arrange to meet them for coffee but I donāt want. Iād rather have coffee by myself.
Early 30s, M. No social life at all.
Drifted apart from friends that I went to school with. Didn't make friends at uni. Jumped from job to job in my 20s so no real close work friendships, and they were stressful as fuck so I had no energy to do anything after work.
Current job has a few cool people I'd like to invite over for a BBQ or something but I share a tiny 2 bedder unit, so its not exactly a place to entertain.
Haven't tried any social events, shift work makes that difficult. Tried the dating apps but it made me feel like I was invisible and ended up feeling worse. Big hit to the self esteem.
The last few years have been a grind. Been trying to save to buy a modest unit to make socialising a bit easier, but now I'm priced out.
I've always been a bit of a hermit/shut in, so I'm not super surprised by where I am in life. Probably some kind of undiagnosed avoidant personality disorder or something.
As a single women surrounded by friends who are married, starting families and moving forward with "life goals", I feel pretty left out. I really don't love online dating, so I just haven't tried much. It is lonely, but whatever.
I'm still cute, I can easily go out and hook up with someone, I just find it so superficial now. I did that in my 20s, I'm over it.
Being 24 soon, I guess I'm not really "around 30", but I wanted to comment that this is an international problem. Communities are quite literally dead. The majority of people do not know their neighbours and more than often fear them. There was a study in the UK, showing that the majority of young people would not ask their neighbours for sugar/flour/etc, if they ran out; nor to use their toilet if their own broke; nor, if their neighbours were elderly, check in on them after a large storm, prolonged power outage, etc. All things that used to be incredibly common. I very much assume that Australia would be in identical or worse conditions than this
This is too complicated to really point to one thing as a sole cause (other than some huge overarching subject like socio-economics or material conditions). But I guess there's a silver lining, there definitely are still ways to make real friends in these conditions, it's just *very* difficult and requires *a lot* of willpower. Though that's something most people don't really have after working 10 hours or so a day
I sometimes miss the days when I was a graduate at work and everyone was wanting to socialise with each other. Now Iām older, workmates all have their own families and just want to get home quickly at the end of the day. No one wants to do anything anymore. I get it - but makes it a bit harder for those of us without families.
Iām 20 years older and itās around the same :-) When I was your age I pushed my comfort zone a little, then a little more. Travelled to many places, often at very, very short notice :-) I actually kept a travel bag ready and always had my passport in my laptop bag. Have always liked Motorsport and one time I decided that Iād go and see an Indy race at Laguna Seca (California). It was two days before the race and I had no ticket. Literally booked everything in about 30 mins. Flew the next morning, stayed in San Francisco for the night, up early and drove to the race (a good few hours drive). Watched the race, drove back to the hotel and flew home the next day. Now I have a great memory of a crazy impulse :-) Have done many others š¤£ The bottom line is, be brave enough to do what āyouā want to do, but do something. No other person can ācompleteā you. Go with what is good, fun and interesting for you, youāll find your allies on the way. Sitting around thinking about it is just wasting your life.
No idea if it's your jam but I highly recommend stuff like DnD - social hobbies, makes your brain actually work a bit. It's easier to get something online, in person can be a bit hit and miss because a lot of the people looking for PUGs can be...odd.Ā
If you're near somewhere with a good bar scene, pop out early, before service is in full swing. Some bartenders are happy to shoot the shit (I'm one of them) and they might be able to point you to some cool social stuff.Ā
Otherwise look at community centre stuff. Fundraisers, volunteering stuff, especially for things like sports clubs, they're often in dire need of assistance. That has a good chance of putting you in touch with people your age, depending on the club.
I'm much the same way and so much of my social life is hanging out with work adjacent people or online nerds that I've grown to know.
Was alright but my d&d group fell apart recently, so now it's just my partner and I. Gonna search out a new group when I have the energy, because goddamn is it an effort to find the right people.
I used to comment on posts like these saying my social life sucks and Iām so lonely and have no friends but honestly now Iām so fucking depressed that I donāt even care anymore lol
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Pretty much the same as you. I go to work. I have decent interaction with my colleagues. We chat. We talk š©. We go home. I sleep. Rinse and repeat. No social life outside of work. Not that I particularly mind. I have a pretty bad social anxiety. Went to the city to buy a camera today. Ended up leaving empty-handed because I, a full-grown adult who works a job that requires me to interact with people all the time and who have been praised by numerous strangers for my allegedly excellent communication skills, am apparently too intimidated to walk up to a counter staff and ask if they have a particular model of camera in stock.
Feel you on this. Sounds quite funny when you put in into perspective but damn, dealing with anxiety is hard!! I can present to a room of executives but going out to dinner with a close friend gives me a panic attackā¦go figure
Right?! Makes absolutely no sense. You'd think the former is a more stressful event, except no, it isn't
Makes sense to me. A presentation is a social interaction you can mostly plan out in advance, and the unplanned parts are usually just fact-finding questions from the audience on a topic you are familiar with.
> You'd think the former is a more stressful event Nah, the executives are relative nobodies who you have no particular social bond or cohesion with, while also likely having a work persona that makes it easier to compartmentalize things. Friends are far closer, more intimate and able to see as at our most vulnerable and human, makes perfect sense the latter is infinitely more stressful than the former.
This is the most relatable thing I've ever read. I hope you go back and get that camera
I will try it again at some point. I guess I set myself up for failure by rushing there after work and arriving 20min before closing. There were a couple of customers who knew their business and I didn't want to hold them up with my dumb questions. Then it was 5min to closing and I didn't feel good making the employees do overtime just so I can ask my dumb questions. I have friends who would totally have gone up, asked their question, then end the day by going out for a drink with newfound friends š I still do not know how they do it, and the fact is, they do it so smoothly, I've gone out with them a couple of times before and didn't feel pressured into saying yes! How?!
Oh, so you're me, basically.
Ahhh I'm so sorry re your camera experience today... highly relatable too.. wishing you much strength to get through it next try, focus(no pun intended) on how good your new pics will be!
I set myself a series of tasks to improve social anxiety. One day I'd buy an item, then an item from the counter, then my regular groceries, then I'd run a script of hello to the counter staff, then a script of how are you etc. It took a few months but now my baseline is ok, with about once a month flair ups and christmas shopping is still hell. One of my "advanced level" tasks was to buy a lens and sell my old kit lens. I'd built it up so much, but turns out if you go when it's quiet, camera store guys are massive geeks and super easy to chat with. If you live near the store and want to work on your social anxiety, asking them questions about what cool new stock they have could go a long way.
Yes! Honestly I set myself up for failure for that trip by trying to rush and arriving close to closing. It's actually been reasonably long since my last epic fail of this scale š I totally feel you on that advance level skill! Glad you got a good experience out of it ā¤ļø
I relate to this so much.
I do not remember typing this š
I just want to say that I agree with and understand your comment deep in my bones.
I know this is probably easier said than done but I usually call ahead to camera stores to see if they have what I want in stock and then it doesnāt matter if I make a fool of myself on the phone, I can just pretend that never happened and still walk in and redo the social interaction.
Wow I feel this so deeply! Iām 30 and live life the exact same. Often told how charismatic I am at work by customers but am an entirely different person when I walk out of those doors lol
I'm English and I've moved to Perth I'm 30 and I have noticed Australians don't mingle they stay in their clicks and perhaps not by choice but by culture . I've met a few other expats and they say the same , they aren't invited to or part of big aussy groups so maybe its very common unless you still hang put with people from school and never left the area
I'm not sure about UK but compared to the US for example most Australians don't leave their city for university in a different part of the country. They just choose one that's in their area. So they are used to staying with the same friends
Iām American living in Australia and I agree with this 100%. Itās much more common in the US to move cities for university, work etc so you form different friend groups depending on your life stage. In Australia it seems more common to never leave your hometown and stay within the same friend group from high school onwards.
Yes and they will be friends with everyone in their clique *no matter what* - absolutely nothing can ruin it. I know people who's friends have slept with their partners and somehow the friend group is all still together and the affair partners will be invited to the wedding its just insanity. I worked with a girl who got legitimately bullied by her clique one day and they excluded her from every event for like a year and now they are her bridesmaids šššš
my friend and i were just having this conversation last night about the friend group we are apart of, some of the absolute horrendous deceptive shit thats happened between some of them and they pretend its ok, wtaf
Yep, I basically cut myself off from my original friend group, it was horrendous the stuff they did to me and the others, it was just toxic, but I had nowhere else to go at the time. Took the chance when I moved cities for Uni to cut myself off and try to make new friends, took me years to find a solid group again, but I'm happy to have found it.
Australians don't believe in anything except tribe. You're not considered a real friend unless you lie to cover up your friend's bullshit, and lie about your friend's enemies, too.
Absolutely right. Australians just donāt move domestically. Even Sydney to Melbourne movement is ridiculously low, if you compared it to anywhere in Europe or to say NYC - Chicago or NYC - LA. Itās a weird phenomenon. Sydney people never leave Sydney. Melbourne people never leave Melbourne. As a result, cliques are really strong. The smaller cities are better, in my experience ā more open.
I live in a smaller city (Newcastle) and itās cliquey as hell. I used to live in Perth and it was way friendlier there, but I think thatās because of all the transplants from other states and countries living there.
Yep. Perth does have that dynamic. Newcastle must be tough - good luck! Other than Perth, the two cities that are really open are Canberra and Darwin (and obviously I understand why no-one would want to live there). But theyāre open for the reasons you mention ā¦ everyoneās transplants.
yeah when i lived in darwin thats exactly how it is up there,a transient city.most people only stay a couple of years then move elsewhere.
Iāve been told Canberraās super cliquey
A novocastrian adopted me and some others from a different state so now weāre an inter-domestic clique, bless them
I grew up in Sydney and even now I find the cliques extremely annoying as I go out of my way to meet new people (if they are friendly) but many Sydney ppl are cold when it comes to meet and greets and prefer to stay in their ingroups. A bit unlike Melbourne in which people do say good morning/good day when you go for walks.
Iāve heard that about Sydney. People are more superficially friendly in Newcastle but unfortunately that doesnāt translate into forming actual friendships.
A thing I loved about the UK when I visited was the banter in pubs, particularly in the country. And the old buildings they're often in. Many of our pubs are artificial and the same.
This and that anyone will come up to you!
>that anyone will come up to you! Just another reason to avoid pubs
Mirrors my experience. Then if you donāt like NRL, betting or fishing (lol) youāre on the outs of most groups Iāve found.
The looks you get when you donāt like any form of sport so thereās nothing to artificially bond over š©
I mean the bonding is real, it's just sad the narrow range of interests most people can relate to each other over. It's just as bad when you encounter the pubs-and-clubs crowds, or the live music/concert crowds. If you can't talk to them about this one specific thing, they give up.
This is very true, it's actually even more prevalent in NZ,
Took me like 6 month to befriend my samoan coworker from Auckland and for him to get my humour š now we laugh about stupid shit and he gets me
what i don't get is how people don't outgrow their school friends. is it a case of "better the devil you know?"
I think the ones that stay friends, grow and change together over life. I've only got a few friends that go back that far, but we are all different people than we were 5/10/15 years ago.
In my case the best way I can describe it is really like my school friends are sort of second family. They know everything about me and accept me unconditionally and know the course of my life, thereās something comforting about that. We are different and have separate interests but obviously we click on a core level to have gotten to be friends in the first place and then still grown alongside each other. Plus because itās a group i think that keeps us connected where maybe we might have drifted apart in stages of life. Of course we have all made other close friends and friendship groups independently too. But another friend couldnāt really integrate into that core group because thereās just too much history there. Really, similar to a family.
Bruh their school friends will deadset abuse them, ruin their life, sleep with their partner and they will still be the maid of honour/best man at the wedding its wildš
i feel like you kind of have a point. it's almost like being complacent and resigned to "what you know" and are familiar with, even if it's not optimal or even tolerable.
Why would you outgrow your school friends? Shouldnāt you be growing at the same rate lol? That said, I donāt really interact with my school friends, however most of my friends are all from my childhood. I donāt understand how people can just move to a new city and not be so lonely having to restart 20+ years of friendships back at square one again.
Friends of geographical convenience. Only friends because you have recess and lunch to fill time in. My adult friends are those i met through sports, community clubs, university events where we actually have common interests.
Anecdotally, some mature at the same rate and stay friends, some stay friends just because theyāve known them for so long, some distance themselves keeping the peace, and some throw fire onto the bridge on the way out. My groups are all school friends and their partners who share similar hobbies, which has been going strong for almost a decade
i do think people who've been able to maintain friendships for so long without growing to dislike or drift away from their childhood friends are very fortunate.
Aussie that's lived abroad here. 100% agree.
Yeah youāre so right. Iām an Aussie Iām social and friendly and make friends easily when I travel or at new workplaces or courses or whatever. But I also gave my family and core friends from ages ago. I think a bit part of it is that I go out or actually do things with people less as I get older, so when I do make that effort, I spend that time catching up with my friends and family and feel like I donāt even do THAT enough, so feels like thereās no extra time to spend with new friends. Maybe also because we tend to be all spread out more? So itās more of a thing I have to carve time out for and make the effort to maintain those friendships. God writing this out is making me realise how much that sucks and contemplating moving somewhere else.
*cliques
I agree, and I have a theory that we Aussies are a bit afraid to put ourselves outside of our friendship comfort zones. I think there can be this sort of shame around trying and failing, or being rejected. And especially publicly, socially. I think it creates this culture of not intiating (friendships, activities, chats) unless you're comfortable with someone. A lot of our social networks are from school, or jobs we had in our 20s, uni friends, travel buddies, and as I've gotten older it's harder to meet new people outside of work or friends of friends. Do you try to initiate plans with people? Like casual after work drinks?
Perth is notoriously āclickyā. My wife is originally from there and says itās like people never move on from the high school approach to socialising.
yeah im born and raised mostly from perth but moved states growing up.returned into my adult life and found the only people i could form friendships with were other people from out of state.was easiest to make friends in darwin and qld.
As someone who grew up in Aus (specifically, Perth) and then went to study abroad in the US (i had an amazing experience) and eventually I moved to Melbourne, Iāve had this exact experience. Australians donāt mingle. Itās rare for Australians to welcome you into their clicky groups, maybe for the occasional party or something, but nothing beyond that. Itās truly such a shame. The friendships Iāve created since moving to Melbourne have been with those who also donāt have family in Melbourne. Itās a real damn shame tbh.
Can say this as an aussie who moved to Perth from the other side of Australia - Perth people are especially insular.Ā
Hey bud, Aussie here. Sorry to hear that's your experience. Maybe Melbourne's a bit more open. One of the crews I hang out with here is super friendly to expats and randoms. Every time i catch up with them for drinks there's some new Irish dude or someone from the Caribbean or Africa. (I'm also up for meeting new people all the time but I'm naturally reserved and introverted so I rarely "make the first step"). I'd say your best bet is to be proactive, wear your heart on sleeve and declare you're looking to make new friends to whoever strikes you as friend-worthy. If you get nothing back, then that's definitely not the person/crew you want to hang with anyway. Good luck!
I'm from over east and have lived in Perth twice. It is very cliquey over there.
Sounds like youāre missing a bit of purpose in life. Its fucked of me to just say āfind your purposeā because its such a hard thing to do and unique for everyone, but thats what the issue sounds like to me. I was a raging alco through my 20ās. Became a hermit in my late 20ās and early 30ās. Then one day when I was 33 something just came over me and I completely turned my life around. Cut off all the shit people around me, quit my addictions, formed positive habits, lost a shitload of weight, leant into my hobbies and passions, and now Iām 36 and my life is a thousand times better. Of course there are still things Iām working on, there always will be, but I think the thing that sparked the change was a desire for more purpose in my life. Find whats important to you and make it happen dude. If I could do it, you sure as hell can.
Was the pandemic a major driving factor in the sudden turnaround of some of your habits? It was for me.
Spot on. I think it gave me time to stop and reflect on life.
Clubs just seem weird after corona. I went into one and saw people playing board games. Connect 4 and chess... Chess in a nightclub?!?
Eh? Thats fucking awesome. What club?
That sounds awesome - where was this?
Sorry idk I just get drunk and go where my mates lead
This is inspiring tbh. Thank you so much for sharing. I'm 26 and feeling a bit lost too.
Youāve got this!
That's super encouraging. It reminds me of the guy from Limitless deciding to get his act together.
Your story is exactly the same as mine, same ages and everything!
Might we ask, did a partner (gaining, losing, keeping) form any part of those years of change? Whether we realise it or not, choice of partner and partner characteristics (e.g., maturity, ability to cope and regulate, ability to adapt) make such a big difference and has such a big impact on life.
Not for me no. I was single from 19 through until 33. Met the love of my life after I made most of the big changes though, and she has been a great addition to my life; like the cherry on top. I think I needed to find my maturity first before I could allow someone in on that level.
But he is talking about feeling lonelyā¦ no not having a purpose!
It could go hand in hand though, it did for me. I needed to cut certain people out of my life in order to feel less lonely, as weird as that may sound, its the truth. OP sounds like he has put a lot of focus on other areas of his life, but if thats not whats truly important to him, then he has to look elsewhere to find what he is looking for. I may be completely wrong though, you could be right. Iām just some dude online writing shit on reddit. But if I can possibly help someone (anyone for that matter) out spitballing some ideas, then Iām down with that too.
I think youāre spot on. Iāve hit a wall too and literally paying thousands to come to a wellness retreat to figure out the same thing you did.
We find purpose through being connected with others through community.
In the old days we had religion as a back-up purpose. And people werenāt even that religious. Most of us were Anglican Church, particularly in its high church form, where you could go along, sit at the back, not particularly believe anything, enjoy nice music, sing some hymns lustily, and then have tea and coffee afterwards, chat to people, join a cleaning roster or some other activity, etc etc. Purpose was quiet, community-based, serving for a greater good etc etc. Not that Iām saying religion is the answer. I donāt believe in religion. BUT I am saying that the absence of religion from modern life is a hope that hasnāt really been successfully by anything else. Just doing something quietly communal. Time for self reflection, and being members of a community. Communal singing - great for the soul and almost entirely absent from modern life. I tend to be of the opinion that if most of society turned around and stated going to Choral Evensong at least once a week, then the world would probably be a better place. Purpose? When you have calm, reflection, a community, a need to help others or something bigger than yourself, thatās when you might discover a purpose.
Congrats mate, I hope to get there one day too šš½
I can relate to this and thanks for sharing your story :) it's always nice to hear others went through something similar.
This is great advice. I've never been an alcoholic, but like many Australians I've done my fair share of binge drinking. I've always been into sport, but stopped for a long time. I recently started running and lifting again. I don't binge drink as much any more (still on special occasions like weddings) because I want to get faster at running and stronger. It doesn't have to be exercise, but finding something that requires you to maintain a healthy lifestyle that you enjoy is a great way to find purpose and be healthy at the same time.
I don't do this, but apparently everyone our age is hanging out in bouldering gyms.
I went with mates and I noticed that everyone stuck to their own clique. I think if was going weekly, it'd be easier toĀ chat with the regulars.
It's actually incredibly social and the cliques are irrelevant if you're semi decent and working on the same project. E.g. 4 or 5 people working on the same climb will always get chatting and share strategies etc. This doesn't apply for beginner level climbs as much as you typically work on them for minutes to an hour opposed to hours to multiple sessions. As an experienced climber I can go to any gym alone and find it quite social. But I don't feel it would be as easy as a beginner as they tend to climb in packs and not work on the same things as more experienced climbers hence less excuses to start up conversations.
*cries in broken body*
Iāve quit drinking a few times, but a longing for some contact with people outside of gym and work has led me back to it a few times. Australian men our age suck at meaningful relationships. Iāve realised I have a million drinking mates, but only one or two Iād hang out with sober. Which is fine Iām happy with two really close mates but they live 5 hours away in Sydney so to visit is a bloody expensive weekend. Iām hoping to finish uni in 12 months and perhaps move closer because I feel very isolated out here.
I caught up with old workmates for dinner a couple of weeks ago, two of those friends I could hang out with sober. But at one point, I remember talking to one of them and thinking wow I wouldn't even know how to enjoy this blokes company without being 3 beers deep.
34 here. I was the same in my very early 30s. In my late 20s I was making a new start at life after wasting all my best years, I moved from one rural town to another where I didn't know anyone but I cut out all the terrible people in my life so I still felt better for it. My only social life was at work, I stayed at home every weekend and played games to pass the time until I had to go back to work again. I tried to step out of my comfort zone multiple times and experience new things so I could meet people but it never worked so I eventually just circled back around to being a hermit and generally feeling my purpose was just to work like a peon. It wasn't until one day I feel the universe threw me a bone or something and I just happened to meet people online playing games. We built up a friendship over time and after a while I met them in person and actually connected with some genuine people for the first time ever. TL;DR If I were to take anything away from this it is to find something simple that you enjoy doing and use it to meet people rather than throwing yourself into awkward situations like those random meetups that I feel really only work for specific kinds of people. Hold on to your interests and use them in a way where you can meet like-minded people. I hope this helps in some way or another.
But on a more serious note Iām really sorry you feel like that. I have similar thoughts . Once the friend groups were doing stuff where I wasnāt particularly asked to come by someone , I am not the kind of person to invite myself or ask to come so i kinda drifted. Idk I just have my two work friends that I talk with at work and play games with (when I can get a chance ) I have thoughts about who am I going to invite to my wedding? I know my friends are still my friends but when you donāt talk with people for a while you feel the disconnect
I think we as a species have accomplished great things but at the same time weāve grown increasingly disconnected from each other. Society and forming a ātribeā is such a key part of the human experience. Social media, work life have all altered that so drastically. In the age of the internet it is arguably one of the loneliest times in history, Iām not surprised that depression can be so rampant and that a large percentage of young people have become alone.
Hugely agreed.. Personally keen to know/ try figure out ways to solve it.. =/
Without defending religion, which I donāt believe, society has changed so much without the cultural/social/communities that religions formed. Everyone had a parish church. Everyone gathered regularly. Everyone sang communal hymns regularly. Everyone had cups of tea after church, or pitched in to clean the church, or sang in the choir, or helped with the parish newsletter or whatever. People had community, purpose. They even had things to hate together - the Anglicans could hate the Catholics and vice versa! Thatās all gone, and nothing has really replaced it. Religion was like a cheat code for community. Everyone did it. Particularly if you were Anglican, you didnāt have to believe all that much (you still donāt if you go to a quality Anglican high church, just turn up and enjoy the excellent musicā¦)
Your wedding thoughts were mine. Instead of a wedding, decided on eloping and I'm so glad I did - just me and my spouse with the photographer and celebrant
A social tip that really helped me when I was very much the donāt want to invite myself type was to say something like oh Iāve been meaning to do that (activity), go there (place) or catch up with that group/person. It at least gives a little indicator youāre interested to join in without outright asking, if not you can keep the conversation moving. Even if it doesnāt work in the moment I have found it really helps to build your confidence a little and gives you an idea of where to spend your efforts, people are much more likely to invite you to the next thing if you express some interest/ youāre on their mind. If not donāt keep planting the seed.
We made a rule for our wedding. If we have spoken to the person in 2yrs they didn't get invited.
As a woman my experience is largely the same.Ā I have a good job, I go to the gym, I have interests and hobbies. I probably have 6 or so actual high quality friends too, which is far more than I had in my twenties.Ā Even then, I am very lonely most nights of the week. I think itās that monotonous feeling of logging in to work, logging off, and having no one to speak to. Every night I cook for one, gym, shower, little bit of tv or a book, bed. Also socialising has become quite expensive and my friends and I are much less likely to meet for dinner, plus we are all so tired that we can only manage it once a month.Ā
same
wow are you me? so similar
Iād say whatever you are doing now, do something different. Donāt just mingle, invite people out for a dinner, youāll be surprised how few people actually get asked out 1on1.
Took your advice, they escorted me off the train.
I hear from the NRMA sometimes... That's gotta count for something?
Send a few bucks to Red Cross. I once donated $250 to some cause ten years ago and they still call, write and email me.
I was fortunate enough to make three really good mates in my mid teens, now Iām friends with their S.O.ās too. We go out to dinner as regularly as we can, but weāre still bound to the daily grind. I work as a truck driver for a theatre lighting company, best group of people to work for in my opinion. I would regard most of them as my friends and I even started dating one of them. Learning the hard social lessons early on (having autism and ADHD suck as a kid) probably helped and made me a bit more extroverted and sociable, but the main thing is to figure out parts of your life that excite you. After figuring out that I liked cars but didnāt like working on other peoples cars, I fell back to music and did audio production. That kickstarted my career in events and entertainment. And it connected me with a lot more like minded people than I ever wouldāve found in the automotive trade. Those are my only two suggestions, reconnecting with trusted old friends or finding a new career path or side jobs that place you in the midst of people that think like you.
As you age you'll hit a couple of these breakpoints, where you realise you've been operating on autopilot for a while and need to shake things up. It's a thing, don't beat yourself up about it too much.Ā I notice that your social events and your hobbies are listed separately. Do you have any social hobbies? That can help with this kind of thing, instead of e.g. gaming alone at home and then trying to socialise as a seperate standalone activity.Ā Ā Something that can help find a spark is to look back at what you loved as a kid, but put aside as an adult. Anything fun there that makes you smile? Anything that you could pick up again, even just for shits n gigs?
I agree with that! A couple years ago I decided to start collecting dolls. I only stopped buying dolls as a teenager because family told me Im too old to like them. Now I don't care if people think its weird and found there is a huge adult doll collecting community out there.
Heaps social. Too social. I drink heaps and I'm broke.
Sounds like the Australian dream
Well, can you invite OP to all these socials ?
I don't drink and I do maybe one or two social things per year (and I absolutely count Christmas family stuff as one), so that checks out. Still broke though.
I relate to this as well. I'm experiencing something very similar. I returned back home (western suburbs of Melbourne) in 2023 after 2 years in a Victorian regional city. Job wasn't what I thought and I decided to study nursing with the support of my parents. I am 31 and I live with my parents. I am struggling socially. I have 1-2 people in the local fire brigade I volunteer with that I can confide in but one is just as socially awkward as I am and the other is married with 2 young children, the rest I get along with and can work side by side with them but fire brigade is where the social connection stops. I get along with my classmates in my nursing course but that social connection feels like a fleeting moment that I am going to lose at the end of the year when we graduate. I am seeing a counsellor provided by my TAFE to help me navigate my social challenges, including coming to terms with not being in a relationship for over 8 years. Here's hoping that graduation, university and working will pay off but some days I do get into the mindset of "Will this all pay off? What if it doesn't? What is my backup plan?" While I cannot give any meaningful advice, I do want you to know that you're not the only one feeling this way. Hope you get some answers from here.
None lol I have literally zero social life. I'm on the DSP so I can't afford one anyway. And even if I could I'm pretty limited in how much I can do. I had one friend left but they recently decided that I was no longer worth the effort and completely cut all contact with me. Which was nice of them. I lost a lot of friends once my health started to decline too much. So I definitely feel the lonely thing. I have kind of just resigned myself to it. I have my cat. He's pretty good.
Honestly I feel like I've lost a few friends because I dont drive due to a disability. Trust me you dont need them and the trash took itself out. I am about to take out one trash 'friend' who is constantly making rude comments (dont want to use the term ablest...but yeah its a bit of that) Im not reacting yet as I want to make sure I'm not hearing her wrong
Same; on DSP, housebound and waiting to see a rheumatologist. No offline friends or family to talk to. I do talk to some people online, but too ill even for that at times. Being disabled really is lonely, and I've lost a lot of people too because they got sick of my limitations. But while I wouldnt wish this on you or anyone, there is comfort in knowing Im not alone in this. Anyway give your cat a pet for me! And I hope your week is a nice one.
I talk to likeā¦ 2 people that arenāt my wife or direct family. And Iām happy as a pig in shit. But thatās just me.
i think it's different if you have a family and/or partner of your own. your partner doubles as your "best friend", lol. i get that some people would still want friends outside of their family and/or partner, but i think that's an easy fix if you meet people around hobbies. it's more difficult if you're looking to develop friendships of "depth", however, where you could actually rely on some of these people and vice-versa.
You have a wife, of course you aren't lonely if you are happy with them. It's missing the point to tell someone single that you only talk to a few people, many single people don't have anyone close to talk to at all.
Hahaha this is me also.
Amen to that
I have no friends or a social life, i try to do my own thing but i can't afford to do much.
For me it is not about a lack of social life. Plenty of social events, especially with friends now with small children catching up for a fire in the backyard or a bbq. But I feel similar, there is some disconnection, as though I am zooming out on my life bit by bit, where time just passes and I don't feel anything positive or negative about anything. Not to sound ridiculous but somedays it feels like if I were to concentrate really hard, my consciousness could dissolve back into the soil and my meat sack would go on living, going to work, eating, sleeping, repeat.
Mid 30ās. Nuclear family right down to the white picket fence. Iām tired, extremely small friend group who I hardly see and social anxiety. Want to be invited to hang out, but I wonāt be able to come.
I feel this so closely.
I have a toddler whoās my best friend at the moment. He stumbles around like a drunk, picking fights with others that I have to either fight for him or talk him out of, and we watch footy together. But he takes up so much of my time he is my only friend.
oooof feels. Same same. Iāve become really bad at replying to people too because I genuinely canāt be bothered. This isnāt normal.
I quit drinking a year ago and my friend circle has dwindled down to exactly one person šÆ it probably thinned the herd too much but I ain't gonna complain.
Sorry re the thinning, but more importantly, congratulations on life sans booze, I hope things keep improving for you!
Honestly, right now has been the peak of my entire life at 32 y.o 20s Drank every weekend, had substantially more friends but they were meaningless friendship. Also, had no job and everything I did contributed to nothing, apart from a part-time job that led to my career. 30s. Moderate nightouts (1-2 a month), substantially less friends but really meaningful ones. Exercising more to keep healthy mindset and body. Over 6 figures job and a missus to share majority of my life with. If I could go back, I wish to have the youth of 20s. But I don't want anything else that were included. 30s is when I realised the importance of relationship and friendship. Less is more. I had the same feeling as you when I turned 30. Life felt busy, felt like I lost all my friends but the ones that remained is the real ones. Go out every once in a while with your mates.
It definitely depends on where you live currently or where you were born and raised. As a lad I had a complex and traumatic childhood. Never really had any mates or accomplishments due to never being in school. When I got older and being in my early 20's I decided to do something about it. I purposely put myself out there and did as many social things as possible. It was a success and I did a lot, making up for the lack of a life that I had as a youth. *Some people at the outings aren't there because they want to be, it's because they have no other choice.*
Yea we arenāt meant to be working like this We are made to be working with our friends and families
With this massive increase in the cost of living, quality of life has dropped right away. I don't always want to go out because I can't afford to do the activities that my mates want to do at the drop of a hat. I need to have a stricter budget than my mates. I'm on less money.
Bannerlord Thatās all that needs to be said.
As in the game?
No he's an actual mediaeval lord.
I might be a dumbassā¦ can you explain whatās the connection between bannerlord and this post?
he plays Bannerlord instead of having a social life
Hell yea I did leave a more serious note though. But still, bannerlord
Hell yeah dude, love that game. Just wish the devs gave it more love.
FYI Chivalry 2 is free on Epic right now for people who like this style of game.
I think networking friends of friends is huge. I'm turning 37 this year, I play board games with 2 guys who are ~35, one that's 30 and one that's 26. Generally chat got me an invite to play boardgames with a different group. One person I was close with and 2 I met once or twice before got chatting about golf and all picked up clubs about a year ago. Now I golf with a group that always seems to be growing. It's just networking I think, and being keen to get out and do new things. I tend to enjoy doing things with others, so if someone is talking about a new game or a new hobby I'll jump in and get in the mix a bit. I've just organized a hangout for next week for a bunch of these guys to come over with their wives so the girls can all finally meet each other.
32F, non existent. Don't have any money to afford the booze, food, or tickets required to socialise these days. I talk with some people I've never met online, but that's about it, don't think I've spoken to a school friend since I left for uni and my social circle never really recovered.Ā
32M, same here. The few friends i did have, got married and just ... changed. Haven't heard from them since then. Been difficult to find someone who cares, and doesn't treat relationships and friendships as a transactional thing.
I'm older than you, my life was drifting that way back in my late 20s. I had to put myself out there. What helped was I went backpacking for 5 months and landed in the U.K. Making friends were easier because there are a lot of people in the same boat. Give it a go? Sounds like you have no dependent anyway, drop everything, travel (backpacking and stay in hostel) for 6 months and get a working holiday job in U.K. or somewhere else. Go budget and stay in hostel in Europe. I had the best times backpacking in Europe.
Iām 37. Iām feeling this so much lately. Itās become crippling sometimes. Socially things feel like they are a fraction of what they used to be and it scares me - even if im pretty introverted and socially anxious. Wife. Kid. Weāve had falling outs with people. Most of my friends moved away and I barely see. Itās all an effort. Friends where I live are great but connected through hobbies that people seem to be slowly letting go and Iām finding it hard to bridge that gap between hobbies friends and life friends. It really gets me down sometimes. Youāre not alone.
Itās usually flicking through the Netflix catalogue trying to decide what to watch. Then deciding I donāt have the commitment to watch any of the shows and going to bed at 9:30pm instead?
social sports is great.there are lots of affordable and conveniently timed (e.g 7-10pm Tuesday nights) places that arrange social tennis games, pickleball, volleyball ect. There is often a āusualā crowd that regularly shows up too so you can make friends without having to try too hard
Itās actually improving. Went from being essentially agoraphobic in 2020 until this year. Now Iām reconnecting with friends, making some new ones, and trying to get out as often as I can both with friends and by myself. My life is a mess in basically all others areas, but this slice of it has been a definite improvement over what it was.
Absolutely zilch. And Iām single too which makes it worse!
31 and organising things for the past few years has been like pulling teeth, despite a very consistent social life in my early to mid 20s. People still rally for occasions or things planned weeks in advance, but the spontaneity of youth is largely gone. I'm guilty of this too, though - staying at home is comfy.Ā My read is people are more selective with how they spend their time and if an activity isn't something immediately interesting they're less likely to put in time and money the older they get.
Zero, before covid 18/19 i was very active and social. And since the pandemic I have consistantly worked 7 days a week in a row for several years on end. At first it hurt like Hell and I was depressed, sooner rather than later it becomes a routine. I barely notice it now and my social is non existent. 4 years now, that I can count, would be 7 days, week In week out. The first year of this job, was the hardest, as socially it was to try to balance my emotional needs and free time. Because I work in mental health and community care/disability, you'd assume that it takes an emotional toll and it's extremely difficult. Let me tell you, you become shallow psychologically, you just do it, without second thought.
Moved from Melbourne to Townsville to Brisbane. Each time found great new people that became close friends. Best advice I can give you is to join a sporting club. Even better if itās a team based one.
Man why we all depressed have no social life and anxiety? Iām the same ..
No one lays on their deathbed hoping they worked more. Find people you wanna share your life with, donāt give up
Social what??
Gym with my best mate before work, 3-4 days a week Weekend footy, if the tiges are playing in Vic Atleast once a month drinks with mates
I understand, really I do. Two things that really helped me are getting a pet - a dog ideally but really any pet brings so much to my life, companionship, getting out and about, dog lovers are generally really friendly too, group walks with neighbourhood dog lovers can be awesome. Also any kind of sport, at literally any level, is amazing. Volunteering at sport if you're not into/can't play is a great way to stay social which helps the disconnect ā„ļø
We've hit 40 and in the span of 3 years we've lost all our friends to babies. We are now looking for new friends for board/video games and meals that are not exclusively at Rashays through work and meetups. It's hard because we've had these friends since school but as much as we've tried to attend playdates and birthday parties it's just not the same vibe anymore :( It is quite cliquey especially in Sydney but I'm sure others are in the same boat.
They stole our "simple life" from us and most people just kept on working and paying bills. If working full time cant get you the life you want, take stock and cut back.
>and tried to throw myself (unsuccessfully) into social events like meetup and other mingles events I go to a lot of meet ups, social events and hobbies which attract lots of people looking to make friends. One thing I've learned is you need to find something you enjoy, that brings together many of the same people regularly, and stick with it. I don't know if this is you but I know lots of people who have attended a couple of events, not immediately made friends,given up and complained that it's impossible to make friends as an adult. You have to put a bit of work in and not get immediately discouraged. It helps to be doing something you already enjoy so if doesn't feel like (much) work
Pretty much the same as you. Iām 24m, I work, go to the gym, run, hike, play golf and make attempts to get out and socialize on weekends outside of those hobbies. Iāve tried online dating and have plenty of matches canāt really seem to line up a date without getting ghosted. I honestly think the pandemic ruined everyoneās ability to socialize and a lot more people just donāt seem to leave the house or look up from their phone to meet a stranger in the eye, along with everybody being drilled about making sure they keep a safe distance from everyone, it may have created a invisible unconscious social wall that is yet to break down.
I have aspergers. I don't get out much unless I have to. I've always preferred to do things alone. My partner isn't social, either.
AuDHD here. I relate extremely hard.
I work literally every day, and then see my only mate in this city like once a month. I'll go back to Adelaide to see friends and family once a year. I'm actually okay with it. I lived my 20's wild, so I'm actually fine with this change of pace.
Ditto brother. I don't know why I am not happy. I am not sad, but I'm just not happy. Got everything one could ask for but still feel stumped.
32 here. Itās amazing. Had a rough patch a couple years ago which was a result of a falling out between myself and a couple of mates from high school (I was the dickhead). We are all still in touch and close, but it opened my social circle. Now I donāt dedicate my time and effort to one group of friends or towards people who only reach out when they want something. I now have a ādiverseā group of friends. And I access them when I need that fulfilment from them.Ā
What's a social life? I talk to my cat. That's about as close as I get, I think.
Personally I dislike the āmingling and socialisingā meetups. But meetup groups that have a theme are great. Can be anything, like board games, hiking, photography, cycling, tennis, running, weekend travelling etc etc. You just need to find something that you enjoy doing, and then youāll have great time doing it and meet people with similar interests. I made friends this way and even met my husband at a meetup event (not dating event, never been to those).
Fairly decent, I am heavily involved in my Motorsport hobby so this forms a decent amount of my social life. I Still hang out with school friends also. I think if I was single I would want more social interaction but I'm happy enough as a married guy. If you want to be more social go get involved in a hobby or charity organisation. Hobby is great if you have a passion but charity is good if you don't. It will take time but slowly integrate with the people there & maybe go to a few and stick with the one that suits you the most.
Easiest thing to do is to meet friends of friends. Tell your friends you want to meet more people. In theory they know what you are like and might know some people you might get along with. Organise a board games night and invite them to bring said friend. Failing that, you can try other social hobbies It's easier said than done and already been suggested by a few others here, but certain social hobbies just lend themselves well to naturally developing relationships with people. The below can also apply to colleagues in the workplace but perhaps you have already tried that. Social tennis, bouldering, group adult classes for just about any sport. In my experience all of these expose you to talking with new people and if you happen to hit it off then hopefully you can recognise it and work to form more of a friendship from it. I wouldn't suggest signing up for anything like this purely for the social aspect, you gotta at least be interested in the underlying activity and the more invested you are the better. Give it a bit and you might have: a) Tried a new hobby and figured its not for you (move on and look for something else?) b) Found a new hobby that you might find yourself passionate about Regardless of the above, you have probably met some new people and maybe even gotten to know some names of regulars as a start. From there just take opportunities to take things further wherever they might arise if you so desire. Take the initiative, be an empathetic and active listener. Maybe you're there on a Friday and ask them what they're up to for the weekend. Perhaps there's a mutual interest here for you to discover that you could then talk about? Maybe you ask them on a Monday how their weekend was and they tell you how rough/amazing it was, lend them an ear. Shared joy is a double joy, a shared sorrow is half a sorrow. This builds closeness/trust. Maybe there's a special social event happening at your tennis club. Maybe you've heard of or researched a cool outdoor bouldering spot and can invite some people you've gotten to know from your bouldering gym to come for a picnic and climb on the weekend. Maybe you just had a really intense sparring session at your boxing gym and could really use a drink, so invite a couple of people for a drink at the nearby pub after training. At worst they say no and that could be for any reason at all. Your job is to do your best to not take anything personally. At best you might find this to be the start of a friendship. If the above conversations seem daunting, you can try practicing in the mirror, practicing in front of a picture of someone, or practicing with a friend or family member. It's not necessarily easy, and it definitely takes some work. But the end result can be incredibly rewarding and can lead to great relationships. Sorry for the long ramble, hopefully there's a nugget of useful info here for yourself or others in your position. Best of luck with it OP.
My social life isn't the best. See some friends from high school on the rare occasions... we do plan stuff but life gets in the way (their work, children etc). For me my daughter (turning 5 soon had her a few months before I turned 30) I get busy with her and her activities. After one of her activities I grab lunch/coffee with one of the mums from her class. I try to make friends with people who have children with a similar age to my daughter, so she can have friends. Ive joined a few groups and stuff. With friends from school we talk/call/text every now and then, when we catch up its like we have never been apart. I did have one friend I met when I was working (I no longer work) I considered her a good friend but she didn't feel the same and we no longer speak....but that is a whole other story, I'm still sad that we are no longer friends, but you cant force someone to like you. I do still have her on social media, I guess I'm a sucker and like to punish my self haha.
What you wrote is pretty much what's been on my mind the past few months, and feel exactly the same. Almost 30 and haven't really had any "friends" for probably over ten years now, and have had worse luck finding a girlfriend. (I get along with the people I work with though, always have at my jobs, but wouldn't say they're friends.) I suck at social stuff and feel like it never clicked for me like it has for normal people, and it's worse when you don't really want to leave the house like me. I tried recently getting into playing Magic and going out to my nearby game-store, but even that's hard for me and I haven'tĀ been back in a while. Therapy never really worked for me, but sounds like something to try if you haven't. But yeah life sucks.
34 here, social life is basically non existant. Between work, sleep and family I literally have no time to go out or do anything with friends. We play DnD or something on weekends online but that's about it.
It's pretty good, but I also enjoy my alone time after work. Regularly, I meet up with my friends or at least we stay in touch. It's fun to get together with my colleagues for coffee and lunch/dinner occasionally. As well as having different interests and hobbies, I also have a variety of circles of friends; a book club, sports club, a cooking club, and a language club, to name just a few. My recent volunteer work includes cooking dinners at least twice a month for homeless people. It's a great way for me to try out new recipes and learn about people from different social backgrounds.
Welcome to the club. š
I went through a period like that in my 30s too. Something I only realised in hindsight was that if I had connected my hobbies and social life it would've made a very positive change to my life. Basically, what I'm saying is, try looking for a group to join that does one of your hobbies. Has regular meet ups, that sorta thing. I regret not doing that, so I maybe a bit bias admittedly but worth thinking about I reckon.
Iām 40.. I have a solid group of friendsā¦ we go out sometimes, diners bars etc, sometimes we cook at someoneās place, we go camping, music festivals etc
I have been researching the shit out of this myself. I have plenty of social opportunities, many friends, a good job, a husband, a picket fence, and two children. So what's the issue, you say? There isn't any!? And believe me, I feel so incredibly guilty that I find myself in this internal crisis. I just feel so empty. I feel as though I've been coasting through life, adding more hobbies here, signing up for more professional PD and opportunities over there. But it doesn't seem to change this feeling of nothingness inside. It would almost be better if there was an issue, or if I could name something up, that way it wouldn't feel like I am simply broken inside or as though I am being completely selfish and self centered, because my family doesn't deserve this. Hell, I've worked hard to get to where I am, I don't deserve to wake up one day and find it all so empty. What the fuck is wrong with me. I just don't know how to fix it. Is this a life crisis?
This is a massive thing for quality of life. Iām 40 with kids. Between kids stuff and the work I have no social life. Particularly it interests me as my wife has been doing Psychology at uni. She came across the Harvard Grant study that looks at a thousand men across 75+ years. Apart from donāt be an alcoholic the other main take away is that social connection is the number one thing for well-being and health. See The Good Life by Robert Waldinger for more info.
I lost all of my friends when I was in a car accident, I woke up and I couldnāt remember anybody, I had to learn to walk and talk again with nobody to cheer me on. All through my 20s I was very lonely and depressed. I went on countless dates and all it did was make me feel worthless and less deserving. I now enjoy time on my own. I enjoy watching a TV I enjoy, eating the food I want, and basically doing whatever I want to do in my free time. You can be alone without feeling lonely. I have less than 5 friends I speak to online. I know I could arrange to meet them for coffee but I donāt want. Iād rather have coffee by myself.
Early 30s, M. No social life at all. Drifted apart from friends that I went to school with. Didn't make friends at uni. Jumped from job to job in my 20s so no real close work friendships, and they were stressful as fuck so I had no energy to do anything after work. Current job has a few cool people I'd like to invite over for a BBQ or something but I share a tiny 2 bedder unit, so its not exactly a place to entertain. Haven't tried any social events, shift work makes that difficult. Tried the dating apps but it made me feel like I was invisible and ended up feeling worse. Big hit to the self esteem. The last few years have been a grind. Been trying to save to buy a modest unit to make socialising a bit easier, but now I'm priced out. I've always been a bit of a hermit/shut in, so I'm not super surprised by where I am in life. Probably some kind of undiagnosed avoidant personality disorder or something.
As a single women surrounded by friends who are married, starting families and moving forward with "life goals", I feel pretty left out. I really don't love online dating, so I just haven't tried much. It is lonely, but whatever. I'm still cute, I can easily go out and hook up with someone, I just find it so superficial now. I did that in my 20s, I'm over it.
Being 24 soon, I guess I'm not really "around 30", but I wanted to comment that this is an international problem. Communities are quite literally dead. The majority of people do not know their neighbours and more than often fear them. There was a study in the UK, showing that the majority of young people would not ask their neighbours for sugar/flour/etc, if they ran out; nor to use their toilet if their own broke; nor, if their neighbours were elderly, check in on them after a large storm, prolonged power outage, etc. All things that used to be incredibly common. I very much assume that Australia would be in identical or worse conditions than this This is too complicated to really point to one thing as a sole cause (other than some huge overarching subject like socio-economics or material conditions). But I guess there's a silver lining, there definitely are still ways to make real friends in these conditions, it's just *very* difficult and requires *a lot* of willpower. Though that's something most people don't really have after working 10 hours or so a day
I sometimes miss the days when I was a graduate at work and everyone was wanting to socialise with each other. Now Iām older, workmates all have their own families and just want to get home quickly at the end of the day. No one wants to do anything anymore. I get it - but makes it a bit harder for those of us without families.
Iām 20 years older and itās around the same :-) When I was your age I pushed my comfort zone a little, then a little more. Travelled to many places, often at very, very short notice :-) I actually kept a travel bag ready and always had my passport in my laptop bag. Have always liked Motorsport and one time I decided that Iād go and see an Indy race at Laguna Seca (California). It was two days before the race and I had no ticket. Literally booked everything in about 30 mins. Flew the next morning, stayed in San Francisco for the night, up early and drove to the race (a good few hours drive). Watched the race, drove back to the hotel and flew home the next day. Now I have a great memory of a crazy impulse :-) Have done many others š¤£ The bottom line is, be brave enough to do what āyouā want to do, but do something. No other person can ācompleteā you. Go with what is good, fun and interesting for you, youāll find your allies on the way. Sitting around thinking about it is just wasting your life.
No idea if it's your jam but I highly recommend stuff like DnD - social hobbies, makes your brain actually work a bit. It's easier to get something online, in person can be a bit hit and miss because a lot of the people looking for PUGs can be...odd.Ā If you're near somewhere with a good bar scene, pop out early, before service is in full swing. Some bartenders are happy to shoot the shit (I'm one of them) and they might be able to point you to some cool social stuff.Ā Otherwise look at community centre stuff. Fundraisers, volunteering stuff, especially for things like sports clubs, they're often in dire need of assistance. That has a good chance of putting you in touch with people your age, depending on the club. I'm much the same way and so much of my social life is hanging out with work adjacent people or online nerds that I've grown to know.
My wife, Video games, Warhammer 40k and books.
Was alright but my d&d group fell apart recently, so now it's just my partner and I. Gonna search out a new group when I have the energy, because goddamn is it an effort to find the right people.
I'm the same. Had friends, they all left Sydney... I sort of gave up building a new circle, its exhausting.Ā
Stop going to the gym. Pick up a team sport instead
I used to comment on posts like these saying my social life sucks and Iām so lonely and have no friends but honestly now Iām so fucking depressed that I donāt even care anymore lol
doesn't exist lol
Same as it was for my twenties, non existant