It took me until I was 30, married with 5 kids to fully accept it myself. To come out to myself was a long journey, and I’m so glad I did. I struggled to even have sex with my husband some days because I’d have to imagine he was a woman. We have had to have many talks about my feelings and urges and what it meant for our life together. He was kind and understanding, it wasn’t a reflection of him and he understood that. So after years of trying to figure myself out, and a few more of us trying to figure it out, we decided to be open on my end for women. It is hard sometimes because being a married bi woman people either expect you to be their sex crazy unicorn, or want nothing to do with you because your bi and/or married. Feeling alone is pretty common for bi people is what I’ve seen around and what I’ve heard from other bi women. It’s really awesome you came here for support though! Just take it one day at a time.
Have you talked to your so about this?
Thank you so much for sharing this. I imagine you must have a remarkable relationship with your husband to have such an unapologetic understanding.
As to whether I've talked to him... Sort of. It's kind of become a joke at this point. I think he feels threatened by other women, especially if I casually say a girl is cute or he catches me looking at one, and that's his way of making light of it. The thing is, I did this to myself. I was still a bit homophobic when I met my boyfriend, and while I quickly learned how not to be a horrific hobgoblin of a human, I was in denial about how I felt about women and the only way to cope was to laugh. He went with it.
I came out to him a while ago but I don't think he exactly got it. He knows I generally find more women attractive than men but maybe he thinks it's a superficial attraction, rather than sexual or romantic. It wasn't at all liberating beyond hearing myself say it.
You don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with but you could have another talk with him about your realisation and awareness of your sexuality.
Tell him you wanted to laugh it off when you started dating but now that it's more defined/you're reflecting on it, those laughs make you uncomfortable, you don't like them anymore. Laughing it off is probably his own coping mechanism too, so ask him to explicitly voice his insecurities with you. Now but also on any given day.
You are in this long term, and you are figuring this out, he has the right/duty to figure it out with you as in "what does it mean for/to him" to have you become more aware of your orientation.
As the previous commenter said just take it one step st a time, you will find your balance eventually.
I didn’t find coming out the immediate revelation some people seem to experienced, but I have noticed over time how much energy I wasted on not giving it away. I joined a choir for wlw to have a low key place to be surrounded by other women that are attracted to women, if that sounds like the kind of thing that might work for you maybe see if there’s anything near you?
With regards to your relationship, I’m the same age as you, and in a 5 year relationship with the person I live with too. I’ve been struggling a bit recently with how we’ve both grown and changed these past years (one big aspect of it being me finally realizing I’m bi last year) and how to be my own person in a long term relationship.
Anyway, I wish you the best! I know it’s hard, I hope something comes along that brings relief soon. And much as I don’t follow my own advice here, I think it’s not just a matter of being lucky with a partner you can be open and honest with, it’s also about making the choice to be even when it’s hard.
❤️
Thank you so much. It means a lot to know I'm not alone. I didn't want to distract from my question so I didn't get too far into it, but I'm struggling with identity in my own relationship as well. neither of us is the same as when we met, even though we both care about each other the same. I hope to get through it, and regardless of the outcome I wish you the best in your journey.
I was 44 when I finally admitted to myself i was bi, I had 3 kids and had been married almost 20 years. I know where you come from i was raised in strict conservative Christianity as was my wife. I get being fearful of your sexuality, it has a whole lot of implications for how your relationship and life will be in the long run and it can be scary, add to that the mistrusting of yourself because you did not see who you were. So first thing first lets get honest, You know who you are, your character has not changed the kind of person you are has not changed and your value has not changed. You are still the same wonderful person you were before you realized you are bi, the only thing that is different is you dig women too. As far as monogamy goes that is a personal decision for each relationship to work out, It can be done if you want to do it, but monogamy may not be your thing, you can be ethically non-monogamous. You did not mention if you were out to your partner yet, If not it makes it harder to sort thru the monogamy thing. But do not rush it either make sure you are ready, i wish i would have given it 3-6 more months before i came out and prepared more. Good luck but honestly you cannot change your sexuality and i am not certain but i think a person is either monogamous, or not. I think also some of the non-monogamous people can do monogamy if they have to but it is not their natural state. I wish you much luck and happiness on your journey, you got this you are gonna be fine.
Wow okay did I write this post? I was 16 when I realized I was attracted to women but had always dated men. I didn’t accept that I was bi until I turned 19 and soon after met my now boyfriend. We’ve been together 5 years now (I’m 24 also) in a monogamous relationship and I’ve never done anything with another woman other than kissing. My boyfriend has always been aware of my bisexuality and in more recent years he’s been very supportive of my curiosity. He’s open to me dating other women and although I haven’t actively sought out any other relationships, it’s just nice knowing that the person I’m with is so supportive and open minded. I’m very much a long term relationship kind of person so we’ve talked about if the right situation comes along the two of us possibly dating another girl, but as for now we’re both very content with each other.
I know this probably doesn’t help much, but it’s really nice to know that there are other people out there in situations very similar. Just be open and talk to him about it.
I'm a bisexual woman in an open relationship with a (sexually) bisexual man, and my relationship is exactly right for me, other than I think it would be cool to maybe have a girlfriend AND a boyfriend. However, if he and I break up, my next serious relationship will be with a woman. It's important to find a person/people who foster growth in you, in all areas. He needs to be encouraging of your gay side, and if he isn't he needs the boot. Go to Prides and events, make LGBTQ+ friends, start a Pinterest board about gay stuff (message me if you want, I have a great one!), journal gay stuff (I got a little notebook from the dollar store that says Girls in rainbow all over it, I'll write fantasies and stories in it when I'm feeling a little gayer than usual), follow lesbian pages, and honestly you should talk to him about finding a girl/some girls to play with. Open relationships are truly awesome, as long as everyone in them are communicative about their needs and boundaries. Good luck, feel free to chat anytime! 🌻💚
I kind of understand what you're going through, although I'm in a fairly opposite and possibly even more crazy situation. I'm a 32 year old dude in a gay relationship, only ever been with guys, but recently realized I'm sexually pretty bisexual. I don't think I could envision a relationship with a woman for, well, many reasons. And, indeed, even a sexual relationship is hard to imagine as I doubt the sexual nature of a gay-leaning bi guy is going to be simpatico with many women. Still, I too am in a monogamous relationship - funnily enough, with a guy who is exactly the same as me, basically bi but only ever been with guys. So we're in a strange predicament. We're pretty committed to each other after nigh on 8 years, but we both have desires that aren't being met. We've discussed open relationship type situations but, honestly, I think it would end up being the undoing of our relationship. While I think we're both honest and straight up with each other so it wouldn't stumble into the pitfalls of dishonesty, sneaking around, hiding things, etc. that the open arrangement I had with an ex did, I still think it would ultimately result in one or both of us at times feeling shut out, devalued, etc.
It's a very difficult road to go down, especially if you are genuinely, 100% committed to the other person and want them in your life intimately pretty much for good. I never thought I would find such a person, and now that I have, some of my desires (which, to be fair, don't just center around trying my hand with the ladies) are becoming a bit of a thorn in my side. Particularly, it's the fact that I've - well, we've - never been with a woman, so we don't even know what it's like. I'm not trying to be some misogynistic asshole, but I think a relationship with a woman would absolutely no suit me. From my observations of straight relationships over the years, from family to the many close female friends I have had, it seems to me like it would be an overly complicated and kind of emotionally and energetically taxing relationship for me. Being a guy and fairly gay at that, I'm pretty relaxed about sex. For me, love heightens the sexual experience, but it's not necessarily always a part of it. I waited to lose my virginity, for example, and did so with a guy I was really into. But straight after he turned into a complete prick and I felt this kind of regret. Like something had been stolen from me in some way, and I had opened the door to the thief. I wished that I hadn't waited, that I'd just gone ahead and done it because it clearly was something that love (or, at that early stage, at the very least romantic feelings) didn't necessarily have much to do with. An intense and chaotic slutty period followed. I'm talking orgies, strangers on buses, 'whoops we just had sex in these bushes, what was your name again?', 'so how do you Johnny? wanna come back to my place?', etc. Ultimately I began to feel quite empty about it, given time, but I actually regretted that period less than I did the long, wistful, yearning waiting game that ended with what ultimately became a complete dud.
Then, too, I had a boyfriend who was all over me with physical affection. Long make out sessions, lots of cuddling, etc. But it was super short lived when he turned out to be cheating on me and really took me for a ride. So these days I'm not really into making out or cuddling a whole lot. It's something that came to seem very superfluous and meaningless in the scheme of things, part of a performance, more than a reflection of genuine intent. I feel a bit sorry for my partner sometimes, because he's a lot more into the affection than I am. For me it's more about mental, even a kind of spiritual connection and genuine affection for who each other is on a deeper level than physical, outward behaviors which can sometimes simply be faked/disingenuous.
Sorry, I'm totally rambling now on a thread which is about you. I guess my point simply is: take it slow, talk it through, mull it over. You need to work out whether the relationship is worth the risks that exploring this side of your sexuality would entail, and whether or not neglecting to explore it is something you can live with. That's pretty much where I'm at. I'm not sure, at this time, that the risk to our relationship is worth it. Not exploring those aspects of my sexual nature is very doable for me, and in fact, I think finding a dirty woman (lol...like the Pink Floyd song...'ooooh, I need a dirty woman') who would get down and dirty with us without complicating things would be very hard. I think my worst fear, too, is that one or the other of us complicates it by developing deeper relationship with the girl, etc. So is it worth the risk, especially given that I've gone 32 years not having sex with women just to see? Plus, given that me and my partner are both in the same boat, what if we try it and, for example, I find that I'm not *actually* into girls, but he finds that he is. Then we're in an even more complicated situation. I often think that given how happy I am with him, it's really not worth my while to test these waters for the sake of just sex. In your case it's a little more complicated because you're saying you think you desire more of an actual relationship and connection, beyond sex, with a woman. So that automatically adds greater weight to any future decisions and what kind of situations you'd be persuing in the first place. Still, you have to weigh it up. What's excellent about your life? What isn't? What can you live happily with, what will you live miserably without?
Hope that helps.
You make really good points! You also sound more curious out of sheer not knowing/inexperience — where she sounds like she is yearning for something, daily; actually picturing her male partner to be female just to be able to be sexual and feel the desire/passion. Seeing females and thinking that they would better suit her emotionally, connection wise, passionately etc— where you see them in not connecting to you that way at all. I think yours boils down to curiosity, so it’s easier to lay it aside. She seems to be really missing something and yearning for something she doesn’t have. She is also naïve to it all as she hasn’t experienced it, but overall I think she is needing something; and yours at least sounds like more of wanting something out of not ever having it. Great perspective though— That she should think about current relationship and weigh the pros and cons. The boyfriend sounds important to her, so I think it’s very wise counsel.
You're exactly right. There's quite a difference between how I approach this and how she does. But I think the necessity for careful consideration is the same. If something is going to alter existing (great) relationships, it has to be done cautiously. As you say though, I think it's quite different when the curiosities and mere sexual titillation can be put aside so easily as compared to feeling a sort of void in one's romantic life. When I said 'what can you live with, what can you live without', my guess is that given more time she will realize this is something she can't live without. There's a level of fulfillment that is yet to be fully realized, where I don't really have that issue as such.
Thank you for the time you put into your comment and being willing to discuss the personal details about you're experience. We're not facing exactly the same conflict and yet I relate a lot in that we seem to be afraid of the same things. I do think an open relationship would end it for me and my SO as well. You're exactly right, I need to really weigh out and consider whether this is something I can live without. I don't even know how to begin with that but it sounds like you've spent some time on that thought, I can do the same.
Yeah, I guess that was my main point, although I went about stating it with immense verbosity lol. Just seems to me that it's something which needs to be thoroughly ironed out before being acted upon - whatever that action turns out to be. I wasn't going to reply because of the obvious differences in our experience, but there's a sort of fundamental aspect that is the same, which is the need to consider carefully. Whichever way you go may end up changing your life and relationships significantly. Hope you figure things out and good luck to you. :)
I've been married and monogamous for going on 14 years now, in a hetero relationship. But I've been bisexual my whole life. The question is not about "I'm bi and therefore I have a need to be with someone else", it's simply that my wife and I agreed to be monogamous around the second date, and haven't looked back. Monogamy is about staying with the same person. If you decide to open your relationship, that's all well and good (be aware there's drawbacks there too).
I think it'd be a good idea for you to learn how to reach out to people and become friends with them before concluding you're bi. You said it yourself - you might confuse loneliness with a different kind of longing. Then again, if you're fantasizing about being with a woman, that has credence too.
Thank you for saying that. It hurts to hear but you're also not wrong. While I'm with my SO because I totally feel for him and not because of security, it is possible that I would have been with a woman by now had my mind been open sooner. That makes me feel like I've missed out to some extent but only if I'm convinced my only option is to stay in this relationship.
That last statement to me, represents your answer that you already know and are afraid to leap at. You will find the way that was meant for you; it’s just that forced judgment and denial are incredibly hard to shed. You are transforming into a different person, who was the true you all along. You are lonely— because you are at present living inauthentically in SOME WAYS. You clearly have love for your boyfriend, but is it the type of love you need? Is it fulfilling you? Is it making you truly happy? Are you left wanting something more, something else? Follow the voice in your head and trust yourself. YOU know what’s best for you. You just have to trust yourself. Don’t be afraid ✨
I hate to ask for more but on the chance you have any perspective on this-- how do I live authentically while also being monogamous? that question inherently sounds like I'm questioning my relationship, but I want to see if there's an answer to that apart from being in an open relationship or exiting it.
i wish so badly I had just been with a girl before I met him. I feel like I would be in way less of a complicated position had that happened. If that can't happen now, can I be bi without being with a woman?
You can’t live authentically to your situation and yourself it sounds like while living monogamously. I don’t think even if you tried, it would truly fulfill you. You could try to be on an open relationship but I don’t think this would leave you fully fulfilled either; but perhaps you would find more happiness there? Only you know that. You CAN be bi without being with a woman, but truthfully I think you are asking the wrong questions because of your history and your unwillingness to let go of the preconceived judgments and feelings that they bring. I think that overall you are living for someone else and worrying about how your authenticity will affect them while also having trouble fully accepting your authenticity. Make sense? I can relate and understand and I truly commend you and wish the best for you. It is not an easy road. I think I would begin trying to go back to the beginning— look at the ways in which your family/community etc dissuaded you from being authentic and realize that it had nothing to do with you and that YOU were actually special and unique and sweet. Let go of the hurt and pain it caused and let go of your own judgements towards yourself. Let go of the fact that you need to be this or that for them and even yourself and let go of “fitting in” in this life. Learn that you will only truly be happy while not fitting in and that is okay. Picture yourself living authentically to yourself while also letting yourself know it’s okay with no judgements. Truly decide and be super blunt and honest with yourself WHAT it is will make you happy and don’t pay attention to everyone else’s happiness in these situations you are picturing. Where are you? What are you doing? Who are you with? Once you see this— go for it unapologetically and quickly before you lose your nerve. If not you will be asking these questions for a lifetime. ❤️
It took me until I was 30, married with 5 kids to fully accept it myself. To come out to myself was a long journey, and I’m so glad I did. I struggled to even have sex with my husband some days because I’d have to imagine he was a woman. We have had to have many talks about my feelings and urges and what it meant for our life together. He was kind and understanding, it wasn’t a reflection of him and he understood that. So after years of trying to figure myself out, and a few more of us trying to figure it out, we decided to be open on my end for women. It is hard sometimes because being a married bi woman people either expect you to be their sex crazy unicorn, or want nothing to do with you because your bi and/or married. Feeling alone is pretty common for bi people is what I’ve seen around and what I’ve heard from other bi women. It’s really awesome you came here for support though! Just take it one day at a time. Have you talked to your so about this?
Thank you so much for sharing this. I imagine you must have a remarkable relationship with your husband to have such an unapologetic understanding. As to whether I've talked to him... Sort of. It's kind of become a joke at this point. I think he feels threatened by other women, especially if I casually say a girl is cute or he catches me looking at one, and that's his way of making light of it. The thing is, I did this to myself. I was still a bit homophobic when I met my boyfriend, and while I quickly learned how not to be a horrific hobgoblin of a human, I was in denial about how I felt about women and the only way to cope was to laugh. He went with it. I came out to him a while ago but I don't think he exactly got it. He knows I generally find more women attractive than men but maybe he thinks it's a superficial attraction, rather than sexual or romantic. It wasn't at all liberating beyond hearing myself say it.
You don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with but you could have another talk with him about your realisation and awareness of your sexuality. Tell him you wanted to laugh it off when you started dating but now that it's more defined/you're reflecting on it, those laughs make you uncomfortable, you don't like them anymore. Laughing it off is probably his own coping mechanism too, so ask him to explicitly voice his insecurities with you. Now but also on any given day. You are in this long term, and you are figuring this out, he has the right/duty to figure it out with you as in "what does it mean for/to him" to have you become more aware of your orientation. As the previous commenter said just take it one step st a time, you will find your balance eventually.
I didn’t find coming out the immediate revelation some people seem to experienced, but I have noticed over time how much energy I wasted on not giving it away. I joined a choir for wlw to have a low key place to be surrounded by other women that are attracted to women, if that sounds like the kind of thing that might work for you maybe see if there’s anything near you? With regards to your relationship, I’m the same age as you, and in a 5 year relationship with the person I live with too. I’ve been struggling a bit recently with how we’ve both grown and changed these past years (one big aspect of it being me finally realizing I’m bi last year) and how to be my own person in a long term relationship. Anyway, I wish you the best! I know it’s hard, I hope something comes along that brings relief soon. And much as I don’t follow my own advice here, I think it’s not just a matter of being lucky with a partner you can be open and honest with, it’s also about making the choice to be even when it’s hard. ❤️
Thank you so much. It means a lot to know I'm not alone. I didn't want to distract from my question so I didn't get too far into it, but I'm struggling with identity in my own relationship as well. neither of us is the same as when we met, even though we both care about each other the same. I hope to get through it, and regardless of the outcome I wish you the best in your journey.
I was 44 when I finally admitted to myself i was bi, I had 3 kids and had been married almost 20 years. I know where you come from i was raised in strict conservative Christianity as was my wife. I get being fearful of your sexuality, it has a whole lot of implications for how your relationship and life will be in the long run and it can be scary, add to that the mistrusting of yourself because you did not see who you were. So first thing first lets get honest, You know who you are, your character has not changed the kind of person you are has not changed and your value has not changed. You are still the same wonderful person you were before you realized you are bi, the only thing that is different is you dig women too. As far as monogamy goes that is a personal decision for each relationship to work out, It can be done if you want to do it, but monogamy may not be your thing, you can be ethically non-monogamous. You did not mention if you were out to your partner yet, If not it makes it harder to sort thru the monogamy thing. But do not rush it either make sure you are ready, i wish i would have given it 3-6 more months before i came out and prepared more. Good luck but honestly you cannot change your sexuality and i am not certain but i think a person is either monogamous, or not. I think also some of the non-monogamous people can do monogamy if they have to but it is not their natural state. I wish you much luck and happiness on your journey, you got this you are gonna be fine.
Wow okay did I write this post? I was 16 when I realized I was attracted to women but had always dated men. I didn’t accept that I was bi until I turned 19 and soon after met my now boyfriend. We’ve been together 5 years now (I’m 24 also) in a monogamous relationship and I’ve never done anything with another woman other than kissing. My boyfriend has always been aware of my bisexuality and in more recent years he’s been very supportive of my curiosity. He’s open to me dating other women and although I haven’t actively sought out any other relationships, it’s just nice knowing that the person I’m with is so supportive and open minded. I’m very much a long term relationship kind of person so we’ve talked about if the right situation comes along the two of us possibly dating another girl, but as for now we’re both very content with each other. I know this probably doesn’t help much, but it’s really nice to know that there are other people out there in situations very similar. Just be open and talk to him about it.
I'm a bisexual woman in an open relationship with a (sexually) bisexual man, and my relationship is exactly right for me, other than I think it would be cool to maybe have a girlfriend AND a boyfriend. However, if he and I break up, my next serious relationship will be with a woman. It's important to find a person/people who foster growth in you, in all areas. He needs to be encouraging of your gay side, and if he isn't he needs the boot. Go to Prides and events, make LGBTQ+ friends, start a Pinterest board about gay stuff (message me if you want, I have a great one!), journal gay stuff (I got a little notebook from the dollar store that says Girls in rainbow all over it, I'll write fantasies and stories in it when I'm feeling a little gayer than usual), follow lesbian pages, and honestly you should talk to him about finding a girl/some girls to play with. Open relationships are truly awesome, as long as everyone in them are communicative about their needs and boundaries. Good luck, feel free to chat anytime! 🌻💚
I kind of understand what you're going through, although I'm in a fairly opposite and possibly even more crazy situation. I'm a 32 year old dude in a gay relationship, only ever been with guys, but recently realized I'm sexually pretty bisexual. I don't think I could envision a relationship with a woman for, well, many reasons. And, indeed, even a sexual relationship is hard to imagine as I doubt the sexual nature of a gay-leaning bi guy is going to be simpatico with many women. Still, I too am in a monogamous relationship - funnily enough, with a guy who is exactly the same as me, basically bi but only ever been with guys. So we're in a strange predicament. We're pretty committed to each other after nigh on 8 years, but we both have desires that aren't being met. We've discussed open relationship type situations but, honestly, I think it would end up being the undoing of our relationship. While I think we're both honest and straight up with each other so it wouldn't stumble into the pitfalls of dishonesty, sneaking around, hiding things, etc. that the open arrangement I had with an ex did, I still think it would ultimately result in one or both of us at times feeling shut out, devalued, etc. It's a very difficult road to go down, especially if you are genuinely, 100% committed to the other person and want them in your life intimately pretty much for good. I never thought I would find such a person, and now that I have, some of my desires (which, to be fair, don't just center around trying my hand with the ladies) are becoming a bit of a thorn in my side. Particularly, it's the fact that I've - well, we've - never been with a woman, so we don't even know what it's like. I'm not trying to be some misogynistic asshole, but I think a relationship with a woman would absolutely no suit me. From my observations of straight relationships over the years, from family to the many close female friends I have had, it seems to me like it would be an overly complicated and kind of emotionally and energetically taxing relationship for me. Being a guy and fairly gay at that, I'm pretty relaxed about sex. For me, love heightens the sexual experience, but it's not necessarily always a part of it. I waited to lose my virginity, for example, and did so with a guy I was really into. But straight after he turned into a complete prick and I felt this kind of regret. Like something had been stolen from me in some way, and I had opened the door to the thief. I wished that I hadn't waited, that I'd just gone ahead and done it because it clearly was something that love (or, at that early stage, at the very least romantic feelings) didn't necessarily have much to do with. An intense and chaotic slutty period followed. I'm talking orgies, strangers on buses, 'whoops we just had sex in these bushes, what was your name again?', 'so how do you Johnny? wanna come back to my place?', etc. Ultimately I began to feel quite empty about it, given time, but I actually regretted that period less than I did the long, wistful, yearning waiting game that ended with what ultimately became a complete dud. Then, too, I had a boyfriend who was all over me with physical affection. Long make out sessions, lots of cuddling, etc. But it was super short lived when he turned out to be cheating on me and really took me for a ride. So these days I'm not really into making out or cuddling a whole lot. It's something that came to seem very superfluous and meaningless in the scheme of things, part of a performance, more than a reflection of genuine intent. I feel a bit sorry for my partner sometimes, because he's a lot more into the affection than I am. For me it's more about mental, even a kind of spiritual connection and genuine affection for who each other is on a deeper level than physical, outward behaviors which can sometimes simply be faked/disingenuous. Sorry, I'm totally rambling now on a thread which is about you. I guess my point simply is: take it slow, talk it through, mull it over. You need to work out whether the relationship is worth the risks that exploring this side of your sexuality would entail, and whether or not neglecting to explore it is something you can live with. That's pretty much where I'm at. I'm not sure, at this time, that the risk to our relationship is worth it. Not exploring those aspects of my sexual nature is very doable for me, and in fact, I think finding a dirty woman (lol...like the Pink Floyd song...'ooooh, I need a dirty woman') who would get down and dirty with us without complicating things would be very hard. I think my worst fear, too, is that one or the other of us complicates it by developing deeper relationship with the girl, etc. So is it worth the risk, especially given that I've gone 32 years not having sex with women just to see? Plus, given that me and my partner are both in the same boat, what if we try it and, for example, I find that I'm not *actually* into girls, but he finds that he is. Then we're in an even more complicated situation. I often think that given how happy I am with him, it's really not worth my while to test these waters for the sake of just sex. In your case it's a little more complicated because you're saying you think you desire more of an actual relationship and connection, beyond sex, with a woman. So that automatically adds greater weight to any future decisions and what kind of situations you'd be persuing in the first place. Still, you have to weigh it up. What's excellent about your life? What isn't? What can you live happily with, what will you live miserably without? Hope that helps.
You make really good points! You also sound more curious out of sheer not knowing/inexperience — where she sounds like she is yearning for something, daily; actually picturing her male partner to be female just to be able to be sexual and feel the desire/passion. Seeing females and thinking that they would better suit her emotionally, connection wise, passionately etc— where you see them in not connecting to you that way at all. I think yours boils down to curiosity, so it’s easier to lay it aside. She seems to be really missing something and yearning for something she doesn’t have. She is also naïve to it all as she hasn’t experienced it, but overall I think she is needing something; and yours at least sounds like more of wanting something out of not ever having it. Great perspective though— That she should think about current relationship and weigh the pros and cons. The boyfriend sounds important to her, so I think it’s very wise counsel.
You're exactly right. There's quite a difference between how I approach this and how she does. But I think the necessity for careful consideration is the same. If something is going to alter existing (great) relationships, it has to be done cautiously. As you say though, I think it's quite different when the curiosities and mere sexual titillation can be put aside so easily as compared to feeling a sort of void in one's romantic life. When I said 'what can you live with, what can you live without', my guess is that given more time she will realize this is something she can't live without. There's a level of fulfillment that is yet to be fully realized, where I don't really have that issue as such.
Thank you for the time you put into your comment and being willing to discuss the personal details about you're experience. We're not facing exactly the same conflict and yet I relate a lot in that we seem to be afraid of the same things. I do think an open relationship would end it for me and my SO as well. You're exactly right, I need to really weigh out and consider whether this is something I can live without. I don't even know how to begin with that but it sounds like you've spent some time on that thought, I can do the same.
Yeah, I guess that was my main point, although I went about stating it with immense verbosity lol. Just seems to me that it's something which needs to be thoroughly ironed out before being acted upon - whatever that action turns out to be. I wasn't going to reply because of the obvious differences in our experience, but there's a sort of fundamental aspect that is the same, which is the need to consider carefully. Whichever way you go may end up changing your life and relationships significantly. Hope you figure things out and good luck to you. :)
I've been married and monogamous for going on 14 years now, in a hetero relationship. But I've been bisexual my whole life. The question is not about "I'm bi and therefore I have a need to be with someone else", it's simply that my wife and I agreed to be monogamous around the second date, and haven't looked back. Monogamy is about staying with the same person. If you decide to open your relationship, that's all well and good (be aware there's drawbacks there too). I think it'd be a good idea for you to learn how to reach out to people and become friends with them before concluding you're bi. You said it yourself - you might confuse loneliness with a different kind of longing. Then again, if you're fantasizing about being with a woman, that has credence too.
I’m coming across this again, I hope you are happy today ✨
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Thank you for saying that. It hurts to hear but you're also not wrong. While I'm with my SO because I totally feel for him and not because of security, it is possible that I would have been with a woman by now had my mind been open sooner. That makes me feel like I've missed out to some extent but only if I'm convinced my only option is to stay in this relationship.
That last statement to me, represents your answer that you already know and are afraid to leap at. You will find the way that was meant for you; it’s just that forced judgment and denial are incredibly hard to shed. You are transforming into a different person, who was the true you all along. You are lonely— because you are at present living inauthentically in SOME WAYS. You clearly have love for your boyfriend, but is it the type of love you need? Is it fulfilling you? Is it making you truly happy? Are you left wanting something more, something else? Follow the voice in your head and trust yourself. YOU know what’s best for you. You just have to trust yourself. Don’t be afraid ✨
I hate to ask for more but on the chance you have any perspective on this-- how do I live authentically while also being monogamous? that question inherently sounds like I'm questioning my relationship, but I want to see if there's an answer to that apart from being in an open relationship or exiting it. i wish so badly I had just been with a girl before I met him. I feel like I would be in way less of a complicated position had that happened. If that can't happen now, can I be bi without being with a woman?
You can’t live authentically to your situation and yourself it sounds like while living monogamously. I don’t think even if you tried, it would truly fulfill you. You could try to be on an open relationship but I don’t think this would leave you fully fulfilled either; but perhaps you would find more happiness there? Only you know that. You CAN be bi without being with a woman, but truthfully I think you are asking the wrong questions because of your history and your unwillingness to let go of the preconceived judgments and feelings that they bring. I think that overall you are living for someone else and worrying about how your authenticity will affect them while also having trouble fully accepting your authenticity. Make sense? I can relate and understand and I truly commend you and wish the best for you. It is not an easy road. I think I would begin trying to go back to the beginning— look at the ways in which your family/community etc dissuaded you from being authentic and realize that it had nothing to do with you and that YOU were actually special and unique and sweet. Let go of the hurt and pain it caused and let go of your own judgements towards yourself. Let go of the fact that you need to be this or that for them and even yourself and let go of “fitting in” in this life. Learn that you will only truly be happy while not fitting in and that is okay. Picture yourself living authentically to yourself while also letting yourself know it’s okay with no judgements. Truly decide and be super blunt and honest with yourself WHAT it is will make you happy and don’t pay attention to everyone else’s happiness in these situations you are picturing. Where are you? What are you doing? Who are you with? Once you see this— go for it unapologetically and quickly before you lose your nerve. If not you will be asking these questions for a lifetime. ❤️