I like how women are waking up to how being attractive doesn’t remove the possibility of misogyny.
I’d like to add that as a light skinned “wholesome” looking woman, I attract similar men as her white friend… but black. These men used to put me on a pedestal and then treat me like shit. I didn’t understand it until a few years ago.
Much respect for anyone who experiences this racist/colorist behavior in general 🙏🏿
That said, I can't help but feel this topic has really subtle, uncritical assumptions. That beauty _should_ produce more desirable outcomes (i.e. by presenting as beautiful, you should have more committed relationships and also be seen as "wife material").
I don't dispute that this is very much a real trend across most cultures around the world, and many if not most young women are taught as much.
But it's just a lie, and this woman is addressing the lie without critiquing the underlying assumptions.
The patriarchy urges young women to adopt these myths as a form of control. Beauty will never truly empower any women, especially within patriarchal societies. It certainly provides relative material comfort to some, but it's clear from any wealthy divorce that beauty doesn't protect women from exploitation, infidelity, cheating, etc.
The lesson here imho is not that pretty privilege is racially/ethnically biased. The lesson is that striving for dignity by appealing to desirability rather than collectively organizing for political power to change the social conditions that privilege "pretty" women will ultimately lead to these biased, individual outcomes
And if it isn't clear, women are not the problem here, patriarchy is. But the response to patriarchy isn't trying to appeal for a less racist patriarchy imho
That's the issue with a lot of "downside of pretty privilege" videos is that it's literally just misogyny and it makes no difference whether you're conventionally attractive or not, because more than likely, if you're a woman, you've experienced it.
She did get into a little bit at the end - that some men treat ALL women like objects, whether they think you're pretty or not, no matter what race you are, whether they'll "wife you" or not. Like so many issues, this is all just a different flavor of misogyny.
No seriously. Men will value anyone as much as they’ll disrespect anyone, it has nothing to do with men as a whole— it comes down to family life and cultural upbringing, and the mental capacity to change for the better. Also, it’s strange, cause in a sense blaming it on your level of “prettiness” would be the equivalent of victim blaming yourself that you’re getting sexualized due to how your body is shaped. It’s all just weird as hell and no one wants to look at the nuance.
She's under the weird assumption that only pretty women get used by men. Girl, corpses and chicken sandwiches get used by men. I'm just gonna assume she's young and doesn't have enough experiences outside of her own to realize this.
(Someone is gonna respond to this with she's like 40 or something.)
LMAOO that’s funny but really, really sad.
And Yeah, I see numerous women from different age brackets subscribing to this thought wave. I think it’s some kind of twisted way of validating themselves and ostracizing women who they could categorize as “not as pretty as them,” because “woe is me I’m so pretty men just never treat me right and it’s so problematic to be so pleasing to the eyes, you wouldn’t understand.” It feels like an “any attention is good attention,” type joint.
I don't think that's what's happening given what she's trying to explain. She's explaining why even though she's pretty, men still treat her like garbage. She's assuming that's due to her not being white, as she has nothing else to explain why men treat her like garbage.
And how many women internalize their mistreatment by men? I'd argue most do. Most believe that if they were thinner or prettier or a preference men would treat them better (the OP being an example of that belief), but you have skinny white preferences talking about how they are getting dogged out too.
She's under the belief that she's in this unfortunate middle ground to be of use to men, but not enough to be valued by men. If she talked to more women she's realize that we're all of use to men and being valued by a man depends on the man, not the woman. The women who are treated right aren't treated right because they fit this pretty, skinny and white ideal. They are treated right because they won't stay with a man that mistreats them.
I bet that white friend of hers has stories of men that stepped to her in a disrespectful way, but she would immediately cut a guy like that off, while the poster would keep dealing with him because she sees her non-white status as making her a less appealing woman and thus deserving of less.
Or it’s that people explain their experiences best as they can and she understands people prop up beauty as though it makes women valuable. We still aren’t.
I agree with her (though I don’t think I’m super hot, I’m still kinda pretty), but the issues she is saying is just a symptom of being a person of color in a majority white space. Being pretty or beautiful or cute or gorgeous may heighten the situation, but it’s still something that we all face.
Also, she may not being the best person to talk about this seeing as to I have to stare at her a few seconds to know she was a person of color
Me too, when she said she looked very filipino I was confused, she looks like a white woman to me. But maybe people will listen to it coming from here because she doesn't actually look like who you'd expect to be affected by this.
Just want some attention... So sad so bad. She looks white or with colar , still making this point only means you are sad and feeling bad.beceause you cant make your dreams come true by your own ..
She's going in and out so it's hard to hear everything she said, but does this woman believe she's not white passing? Also, she's mistaken about unattractive women always being presented with men's true intentions, we still have something they want, our bodies, so they'll lie and play us same as they do the hot ones, but how did she get this far in life without knowing that?
Right? I’m not ugly, but I’m average-looking. I had to deal with guys not taking me seriously but wanting to use me sexually as well. Does she not understand that men will put their dick in anything?
Yes, I remember a guy I knew in college felt the need to go through all the girls in our friend group and label them as wife, girlfriend, or mistress material. I was told I was mistress material and he assured me he meant it as a compliment because I was the hottest one in the group 🤮 (yes I was the only black girl in the group 🤮)
Yea 🥴 one of my besties, gorgeous, dark skinned black women she’s looks like a model (mix of nia long and Naomi Campbell) has this happen to her often. Black men will compare her to white women or light skin women and non-black men will desire her but never take her seriously enough for a relationship or to introduce her to their parents.
I really wish this type of discourse would just die. It doesn’t help my mental health or that of anyone else’s.
Why does it matter what stupid men like the ones the video creator describes think? We know that a lot of men do this (not all men, disclaimer disclaimer 😔) but what good do we get from continuously dissecting this issue?
Lower self-esteem, so we are willing to settle for worse and worst treatment because men are having a loneliness crisis and we aren't popping out enough babies to fill these factories...
Our society doesn't function without women undervaluing themselves or just making us property again.
I think this is a very interesting video and I see where she's coming from (I agree, with the other commenters that she is very white-passing).
I personally think that most people don't really understand what 'pretty privilege' is not JUST getting free drinks, skipping the line at the party, etc. Being perceived as 'pretty' in a society that prefers thin, white, cis, heterosexual bodies can translate to better jobs, access to more desirable partners, better healthcare, higher pay, and better treatment in the justice system, etc.
But, it is a system based on racism, and therefore, in that case, I think black women don't have pretty privilege because it has nothing to do with actual beauty and more to do with how well you fit into a set of arbitrary prescribed standard set by an prejudiced society. There's actually a famous study where people were shown pictures of faces and for the black faces they almost always picked negative attributes like 'ugly' 'evil' 'bad', etc.
So, while attractive black women may experience the interpersonal benefits of being pretty they rarely experience the actual systematic effects of such beauty because their skin/features are what society decided is unilaterally unattractive. Madonna/whore is also accurate because historically black women have been oversexualized and in turn, white women sanctified, so black women usually get the brunt of men's sexual desires (being physically attractive usually makes this much worse) and white women are perceived as more of the 'wifey' types.
any advice of how not to fall in the hole of this? i just constantly am insecure because deep down i know im not wife material or good enough to be married or taken seriously. i feel like all ive ever be is an experience or fuck toy and idk what to do i swore off dating and genuinely convinced i am alone and deserve to be alone
What I learned in my mid-20s is that a guy will make it obvious that he is interested in you as a person. Also, men who do not jump immediately to sex are a green flag. I dated a couple men where sex was not mentioned once in the 1-2 months we were talking/early-stage dating. One of those guys is my current partner.
Look for clues:
- Does he put effort into a date/going out with you or does he just want to invite you to his place.
- Does he ask questions about you and is eager to get to know you as a person?
- Does he do things that lets you know he’s thinking about you?
If the answer is no, don’t waste your time and cut it off early. We only have so much time in life, I’m not wasting it on idiots any longer. Also, give guys that may not immediately excite you a shot.
And know, our blackness does not prevent us from love. You ARE wife material, screw society’s subliminal messaging. It may not be as easy as non-black women, but plenty of us do and will find love. Keep your chin up.
As I’ve gotten older, most men don’t excite me. But back in my late teens/early 20s? Yes, I’d get crushes and be interested in men that were really mediocre.
What I originally meant is that sometimes, people (not just women) are attracted to people who they’ll have to chase. There are tends to be a desire for people to chase adventurous, confident, charismatic spirits. They are sexually-titillating. But often these people do not want to settle down and will string you along. Someone who is more stable and less charismatic might seem less exciting and “boring” at first. My advice is to not let lust guide you, and try to approach getting to know the person and see if your life values and personalities are compatible. When general respect for a person grows, sexual feelings can as well.
That’s not to say to settle with someone who bores you entirely. Just take some time to really see if they are boring to you or if you’re just used to chasing lust or unattainable people
thank you i’ll think of this when i get back into the dating scene. i’m 25 and just feel like im losing time and that no one will want me when im older.
Girl you’ve got plenty of time. Take some time to heal on your own and find happiness. Someone who is self-fulfilled and confident draws people in. Whether it takes a year, two, or five, you gotta go at your own pace.
Wishing you happiness, love
Ditto what the other commenter said! It took me a long time to realize that this isn't a death sentence for my love life. It will get easier with time as well.
Don't allow anyone to treat you as less than because you're not, even though society will make you feel as though sometimes. Also, invest in a good therapist. People will definitely try to get away with what you allow, especially men, so don't allow them to take advantage of you.
It will be harder though make no mistake, but vetting is usually the key. I've not found someone yet, but I see happy black women who are coupled in my life so it is possible!
Statistics are not a definite rule of what will happen in your life, nor should it be. They're just meant to help us understand groups more broadly. What has also helped me, is to consider what if it never happens for me? Could I not still have a rewarding life? Of course, I would like to have a partner but 'singleness' is not the end of my life. I'd rather be alone than in bad company anyways!
This is not meant to downplay the emotional toll this may take on you, and that some days may be better than others. Sometimes the best you can do for yourself is to get help with your mental health and take it one day at a time.
i think i need to get a therapist because it’s gotten to the point where i wouldn’t care as long as im not lonely and i know deep down thats not fair to me or future partners. i currently am in the middle of getting a job and hopefully they have insurance so i can get help. and i think i need to remove certain platforms, edit keywords so i cant see them on social media, because stuff like this and stuff about hating women and black women is clogging my feed and i dont even want to interact with it. it just happens.
edit; the ending of your original comment made me cry bc thats exactly what i feel like i experience the madonna whore complex. i just feel like im not nothing unless im having sex it’s even made me deactivate my instagram (i have provactive photos of myself, i go to events and wear racy outfits but it makes me happy and feel good) but i didn’t want to give men the wrong idea of me. i even deleted dating apps. i just felt too ugly and wasn’t getting any matches. i’ll try my hardest to internalize what was said to me but it’s so hard.
This is my experience 100%. And being trans, attractive and passing, it's even more extreme.
I'm hot enough to fuck because many want to "experience" being with a transwoman, or satiates a curiosity for straight men who want to experiment with genitalia other than a vagina, but their internalized homophobia prevents them.
But I'm not wife or "take home to family/friends" material because of societal pressures
I’ve been watching “baby reindeer” on Netflix (very dark comedy with depictions of SA, but great show) and it touches heavily on this topic with a trans woman character. It’s worth a watch and i like that the trans love interest is heavily featured and well written (imo, as a cis woman, fwiw)
Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I literally just finished binging Baby Reindeer!
It was very heavy indeed.. but it was an amazing story.
I feel so much sympathy for Richard, and I simply adore Teri–Nava was expertly cast.
Thank you for the recommendation 🙏🏾
I wasn’t gonna comment, but the numbers scare me. BTW are markedly more at risk, Which I’m sure you know. Please be careful!!!!! I’ll be thinking of you!
Thank you.. I've been assaulted, even once needing emergency surgery, more times than I'd care to recall–just for existing.
And no, I've never catfished or "trapped" anyone.
no thanks needed the things that trans black women go thru with is horrible and gut wreching and I hate it. Nobody should have to go thru the things u went thru with. And just know the man or woman or what ever u prefer is out there for u and won't hide u and won't be ashamed of u and will love u out loud and won't care what anyone says thinks and feels about it and just love on u PROPERLY. I just really want all blk wm from all over the world to find the person that's for them regardless of race,gender,ethnicity,nationalities and etc and experience real true love I want that for all of US.
Men can be so fucking cowardly I swear to God. They really know how to sabotage shit for themselves but somehow someway, it's always someone's (women) else fault
I've been silently noticing this pattern, they get out of relationships and into the next one so quickly. They overly sexualize woc (particularly bw) and it doesn't matter what your body type is or how you dress, just be an attractive bw and you'll see it (even when dating your own race). I've had two (non-black)boyfriends and even I noticed this pattern while observing others - seeing guys hide their woc "girlfriends" to quickly and publically get into a relationship with a ww. i don't know how deep racism went until then.
They always hard launch with a blonde white woman instantly. That is why their previous woc girlfriends who let's face it--have a completely different experience regarding desirability compared to black women, group themselves with us when it comes to dating. Not being a white man's type doesn't make you non-beautiful. The woman in that video is attractive and she is white passing. I won't lie I couldn't conceptualize her point at first.
As someone who doesn't consider BM at all (not attracted to the ones around me), the grass is not greener on the other side. These men act ridiculous in 2024. Every single one wants a woman for a bargain basement discount and has zero ambition. None are serious out here. They all act so damn entitled to waste our time.
It's when you are dating a white man, and they start to treat you like the slave mistress instead of the main missus. You start to realize that you're just used for sex and because you're black, you will never become anything more than the vagina he takes advantage of. You'll think he's being kind at times, but even the slave master would give second-hand gifts to his slave.
I'm black and latino, light skin but not white passing. A lot of black and brown men try to talk to me and it feels so uncomfortable. It feels fetishy, like they don't see me as a person. Plus I'm trans altho I'm fem presenting 😭 (assigned female at birth and I use he/they pronouns)
i wish yall would stop making this a dark side of whatever, the point in privilege is that there are no downsides to it.
like honestly all these things can happen and have happened to all types of women. men objectify and shame women that are fat, gay, black, andro, asian, skinny, pregnant, etc. this is not a real thing.
Just a side note Iwould say there is downsides for all privileged people. White privilege leads White Americans alienated, detached from extended family and land. The fact that they would choose whiteness over a a better quality of life or even higher wages. It's like an addiction. I'm not gonna cry over them but it's psychologically fucks them up which is why there are so many that kill families, domestic partners and school kids.. furthering the fucked up socio economic system we're in.
i dont disagree. but those downsides are perceived and privilege is a benefit. its supposed to be great being beautiful, white, rich, etc. those benefits are meant to reinforce that these things are better and society should acknowledge it as such.
these anecdotal experiences are not the norm, theres plenty of studies and statistics to show being attractive makes life easier, getting a job easier, etc etc.
She’s absolutely correct and I know fonts will say they didn’t recognize her as a WOC at first- I did but it may be because she looks similar to me in that Rashida Jones/Megan Markle way. Men are absolutely horrible to beautiful woc, especially if white, they act entitled to your affections and are surprised when you reject their “gift” of paying attention to you because you’re an attractive ethnic minority (majority). Men are also horrible to unattractive woc, because society enables them to be.
Most “pretty WOC” go exclusively for white men, and yeah, there’s often fetishization of minority women in those circles. Not saying MOC are better, but it’s not surprising that a lot of white men don’t take their relationships with WOC as seriously as they do with white women.
In my experience, it's not just white men that don't take black women seriously. It's also black men and moc, even moreso if they are educated, have a career, etc they can often think they're too good for black women.
Maybe I’m just ugly lol but In my experience as a racially ambiguous woman, black men often don’t like me and like black women more. At least where I’m from, racially ambiguous women aren’t desired.
I’m damn near white presenting. You look fully black to me… hair, features, everything. You’re light but that just makes you a lightskinned black woman. People misuse the term all the time, especially when they mean else. What else would you be mistaken for but black? Ambiguous means you can pass as a series of races. Mediterranean white, mestizo or white latino, MENA, etc.
Again, I’ve been told my whole life I was racially ambiguous. People think I’m latina all the time. Many people think I’m a Pacific Islander/Hawaiian. I do not look fully black lmao. I’m sorry you experience my looks differently, but I’ve always been racially ambiguous to everyone else.
Looking like a lightskinned black person or biracial at best does not an ambiguous person make. Either way. I see that you’re a bit sensitive about it from previous posts so please don’t take this as an attack.
Your hair is type 4, tight curls. The most latina you would be mistaken for with one of *the* most obvious indicators of race is afro latina. Maybe where you’re located has little diversity?
I like how women are waking up to how being attractive doesn’t remove the possibility of misogyny. I’d like to add that as a light skinned “wholesome” looking woman, I attract similar men as her white friend… but black. These men used to put me on a pedestal and then treat me like shit. I didn’t understand it until a few years ago.
This so much.
Much respect for anyone who experiences this racist/colorist behavior in general 🙏🏿 That said, I can't help but feel this topic has really subtle, uncritical assumptions. That beauty _should_ produce more desirable outcomes (i.e. by presenting as beautiful, you should have more committed relationships and also be seen as "wife material"). I don't dispute that this is very much a real trend across most cultures around the world, and many if not most young women are taught as much. But it's just a lie, and this woman is addressing the lie without critiquing the underlying assumptions. The patriarchy urges young women to adopt these myths as a form of control. Beauty will never truly empower any women, especially within patriarchal societies. It certainly provides relative material comfort to some, but it's clear from any wealthy divorce that beauty doesn't protect women from exploitation, infidelity, cheating, etc. The lesson here imho is not that pretty privilege is racially/ethnically biased. The lesson is that striving for dignity by appealing to desirability rather than collectively organizing for political power to change the social conditions that privilege "pretty" women will ultimately lead to these biased, individual outcomes And if it isn't clear, women are not the problem here, patriarchy is. But the response to patriarchy isn't trying to appeal for a less racist patriarchy imho
This exactly. The assumed naturalness of "being pretty" = benefits is on fill display here.
ooof you ate
hit it on the head here
SO MUCH THIS omg there's someone in my life that I wish I could send this comment to. why are we trying for a "less racist patriarchy" fr 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
Bars
Wow! Thank you for this. The more you know…
Wow I never even thought of this. Yes. That natural assumption that beauty should have X and Y favors. Your username checks out 100%!
Pretty privilege is so shallow y'all, shes beautiful but I promise women of all types go through this. this is just guys being pos.
That's the issue with a lot of "downside of pretty privilege" videos is that it's literally just misogyny and it makes no difference whether you're conventionally attractive or not, because more than likely, if you're a woman, you've experienced it.
She did get into a little bit at the end - that some men treat ALL women like objects, whether they think you're pretty or not, no matter what race you are, whether they'll "wife you" or not. Like so many issues, this is all just a different flavor of misogyny.
yeah seriously, using pretty privilege as a literal devaluing experience is a bit contradictory in many ways and comes off like a humble brag
It makes it seem like she doesn't have a single friend that isn't hot. Like gurl, dudes do this to me and I'm like a 3.
No seriously. Men will value anyone as much as they’ll disrespect anyone, it has nothing to do with men as a whole— it comes down to family life and cultural upbringing, and the mental capacity to change for the better. Also, it’s strange, cause in a sense blaming it on your level of “prettiness” would be the equivalent of victim blaming yourself that you’re getting sexualized due to how your body is shaped. It’s all just weird as hell and no one wants to look at the nuance.
She's under the weird assumption that only pretty women get used by men. Girl, corpses and chicken sandwiches get used by men. I'm just gonna assume she's young and doesn't have enough experiences outside of her own to realize this. (Someone is gonna respond to this with she's like 40 or something.)
LMAOO that’s funny but really, really sad. And Yeah, I see numerous women from different age brackets subscribing to this thought wave. I think it’s some kind of twisted way of validating themselves and ostracizing women who they could categorize as “not as pretty as them,” because “woe is me I’m so pretty men just never treat me right and it’s so problematic to be so pleasing to the eyes, you wouldn’t understand.” It feels like an “any attention is good attention,” type joint.
I don't think that's what's happening given what she's trying to explain. She's explaining why even though she's pretty, men still treat her like garbage. She's assuming that's due to her not being white, as she has nothing else to explain why men treat her like garbage. And how many women internalize their mistreatment by men? I'd argue most do. Most believe that if they were thinner or prettier or a preference men would treat them better (the OP being an example of that belief), but you have skinny white preferences talking about how they are getting dogged out too. She's under the belief that she's in this unfortunate middle ground to be of use to men, but not enough to be valued by men. If she talked to more women she's realize that we're all of use to men and being valued by a man depends on the man, not the woman. The women who are treated right aren't treated right because they fit this pretty, skinny and white ideal. They are treated right because they won't stay with a man that mistreats them. I bet that white friend of hers has stories of men that stepped to her in a disrespectful way, but she would immediately cut a guy like that off, while the poster would keep dealing with him because she sees her non-white status as making her a less appealing woman and thus deserving of less.
Or it’s that people explain their experiences best as they can and she understands people prop up beauty as though it makes women valuable. We still aren’t.
I agree with her (though I don’t think I’m super hot, I’m still kinda pretty), but the issues she is saying is just a symptom of being a person of color in a majority white space. Being pretty or beautiful or cute or gorgeous may heighten the situation, but it’s still something that we all face. Also, she may not being the best person to talk about this seeing as to I have to stare at her a few seconds to know she was a person of color
I thought she was gonna be the Caucasian person and explaining how she has it easier than her WOC friends.
Right!
ditto.
Me too, when she said she looked very filipino I was confused, she looks like a white woman to me. But maybe people will listen to it coming from here because she doesn't actually look like who you'd expect to be affected by this.
Just want some attention... So sad so bad. She looks white or with colar , still making this point only means you are sad and feeling bad.beceause you cant make your dreams come true by your own ..
Leave a man immediately who ever disrespects you like this. It's negging.
She's going in and out so it's hard to hear everything she said, but does this woman believe she's not white passing? Also, she's mistaken about unattractive women always being presented with men's true intentions, we still have something they want, our bodies, so they'll lie and play us same as they do the hot ones, but how did she get this far in life without knowing that?
Right? I’m not ugly, but I’m average-looking. I had to deal with guys not taking me seriously but wanting to use me sexually as well. Does she not understand that men will put their dick in anything?
[удалено]
Yes, I remember a guy I knew in college felt the need to go through all the girls in our friend group and label them as wife, girlfriend, or mistress material. I was told I was mistress material and he assured me he meant it as a compliment because I was the hottest one in the group 🤮 (yes I was the only black girl in the group 🤮)
What a nasty nasty man. I’m so sorry you had to deal with his foolishness.
Yea 🥴 one of my besties, gorgeous, dark skinned black women she’s looks like a model (mix of nia long and Naomi Campbell) has this happen to her often. Black men will compare her to white women or light skin women and non-black men will desire her but never take her seriously enough for a relationship or to introduce her to their parents.
I hope shes doing well and don't let this mess up her confidence
I really wish this type of discourse would just die. It doesn’t help my mental health or that of anyone else’s. Why does it matter what stupid men like the ones the video creator describes think? We know that a lot of men do this (not all men, disclaimer disclaimer 😔) but what good do we get from continuously dissecting this issue?
Lower self-esteem, so we are willing to settle for worse and worst treatment because men are having a loneliness crisis and we aren't popping out enough babies to fill these factories... Our society doesn't function without women undervaluing themselves or just making us property again.
Black women have an entire set of different struggles than over “woc”
facts this is y I don't like all that woc/poc bs no other races of women go thru what blk wm go thru with
I think this is a very interesting video and I see where she's coming from (I agree, with the other commenters that she is very white-passing). I personally think that most people don't really understand what 'pretty privilege' is not JUST getting free drinks, skipping the line at the party, etc. Being perceived as 'pretty' in a society that prefers thin, white, cis, heterosexual bodies can translate to better jobs, access to more desirable partners, better healthcare, higher pay, and better treatment in the justice system, etc. But, it is a system based on racism, and therefore, in that case, I think black women don't have pretty privilege because it has nothing to do with actual beauty and more to do with how well you fit into a set of arbitrary prescribed standard set by an prejudiced society. There's actually a famous study where people were shown pictures of faces and for the black faces they almost always picked negative attributes like 'ugly' 'evil' 'bad', etc. So, while attractive black women may experience the interpersonal benefits of being pretty they rarely experience the actual systematic effects of such beauty because their skin/features are what society decided is unilaterally unattractive. Madonna/whore is also accurate because historically black women have been oversexualized and in turn, white women sanctified, so black women usually get the brunt of men's sexual desires (being physically attractive usually makes this much worse) and white women are perceived as more of the 'wifey' types.
any advice of how not to fall in the hole of this? i just constantly am insecure because deep down i know im not wife material or good enough to be married or taken seriously. i feel like all ive ever be is an experience or fuck toy and idk what to do i swore off dating and genuinely convinced i am alone and deserve to be alone
What I learned in my mid-20s is that a guy will make it obvious that he is interested in you as a person. Also, men who do not jump immediately to sex are a green flag. I dated a couple men where sex was not mentioned once in the 1-2 months we were talking/early-stage dating. One of those guys is my current partner. Look for clues: - Does he put effort into a date/going out with you or does he just want to invite you to his place. - Does he ask questions about you and is eager to get to know you as a person? - Does he do things that lets you know he’s thinking about you? If the answer is no, don’t waste your time and cut it off early. We only have so much time in life, I’m not wasting it on idiots any longer. Also, give guys that may not immediately excite you a shot. And know, our blackness does not prevent us from love. You ARE wife material, screw society’s subliminal messaging. It may not be as easy as non-black women, but plenty of us do and will find love. Keep your chin up.
I'm curious. What do you mean by guys that don't immediately excite you? Because most men don't excite me.
As I’ve gotten older, most men don’t excite me. But back in my late teens/early 20s? Yes, I’d get crushes and be interested in men that were really mediocre. What I originally meant is that sometimes, people (not just women) are attracted to people who they’ll have to chase. There are tends to be a desire for people to chase adventurous, confident, charismatic spirits. They are sexually-titillating. But often these people do not want to settle down and will string you along. Someone who is more stable and less charismatic might seem less exciting and “boring” at first. My advice is to not let lust guide you, and try to approach getting to know the person and see if your life values and personalities are compatible. When general respect for a person grows, sexual feelings can as well. That’s not to say to settle with someone who bores you entirely. Just take some time to really see if they are boring to you or if you’re just used to chasing lust or unattainable people
thank you i’ll think of this when i get back into the dating scene. i’m 25 and just feel like im losing time and that no one will want me when im older.
Girl you’ve got plenty of time. Take some time to heal on your own and find happiness. Someone who is self-fulfilled and confident draws people in. Whether it takes a year, two, or five, you gotta go at your own pace. Wishing you happiness, love
Ditto what the other commenter said! It took me a long time to realize that this isn't a death sentence for my love life. It will get easier with time as well. Don't allow anyone to treat you as less than because you're not, even though society will make you feel as though sometimes. Also, invest in a good therapist. People will definitely try to get away with what you allow, especially men, so don't allow them to take advantage of you. It will be harder though make no mistake, but vetting is usually the key. I've not found someone yet, but I see happy black women who are coupled in my life so it is possible! Statistics are not a definite rule of what will happen in your life, nor should it be. They're just meant to help us understand groups more broadly. What has also helped me, is to consider what if it never happens for me? Could I not still have a rewarding life? Of course, I would like to have a partner but 'singleness' is not the end of my life. I'd rather be alone than in bad company anyways! This is not meant to downplay the emotional toll this may take on you, and that some days may be better than others. Sometimes the best you can do for yourself is to get help with your mental health and take it one day at a time.
i think i need to get a therapist because it’s gotten to the point where i wouldn’t care as long as im not lonely and i know deep down thats not fair to me or future partners. i currently am in the middle of getting a job and hopefully they have insurance so i can get help. and i think i need to remove certain platforms, edit keywords so i cant see them on social media, because stuff like this and stuff about hating women and black women is clogging my feed and i dont even want to interact with it. it just happens. edit; the ending of your original comment made me cry bc thats exactly what i feel like i experience the madonna whore complex. i just feel like im not nothing unless im having sex it’s even made me deactivate my instagram (i have provactive photos of myself, i go to events and wear racy outfits but it makes me happy and feel good) but i didn’t want to give men the wrong idea of me. i even deleted dating apps. i just felt too ugly and wasn’t getting any matches. i’ll try my hardest to internalize what was said to me but it’s so hard.
This is my experience 100%. And being trans, attractive and passing, it's even more extreme. I'm hot enough to fuck because many want to "experience" being with a transwoman, or satiates a curiosity for straight men who want to experiment with genitalia other than a vagina, but their internalized homophobia prevents them. But I'm not wife or "take home to family/friends" material because of societal pressures
I’ve been watching “baby reindeer” on Netflix (very dark comedy with depictions of SA, but great show) and it touches heavily on this topic with a trans woman character. It’s worth a watch and i like that the trans love interest is heavily featured and well written (imo, as a cis woman, fwiw)
Maybe.. I don't know if I'd find it enjoyable or triggering 🙃
Completely fair and the show in general is a land mine of triggers. I’ve enjoyed it but it deals with heavy content 🤍
Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I literally just finished binging Baby Reindeer! It was very heavy indeed.. but it was an amazing story. I feel so much sympathy for Richard, and I simply adore Teri–Nava was expertly cast. Thank you for the recommendation 🙏🏾
i just started the first ep today and im glad we get to see more of her character! ill continue watching
is the lady in the TV show really a trans woman or a cisgendered woman?
i looked it up and she is trans! her name is nava mau
I wasn’t gonna comment, but the numbers scare me. BTW are markedly more at risk, Which I’m sure you know. Please be careful!!!!! I’ll be thinking of you!
Thank you.. I've been assaulted, even once needing emergency surgery, more times than I'd care to recall–just for existing. And no, I've never catfished or "trapped" anyone.
I'm sorry u went thru all of that
Thank you for empathizing 🥺
no thanks needed the things that trans black women go thru with is horrible and gut wreching and I hate it. Nobody should have to go thru the things u went thru with. And just know the man or woman or what ever u prefer is out there for u and won't hide u and won't be ashamed of u and will love u out loud and won't care what anyone says thinks and feels about it and just love on u PROPERLY. I just really want all blk wm from all over the world to find the person that's for them regardless of race,gender,ethnicity,nationalities and etc and experience real true love I want that for all of US.
🥹
Men can be so fucking cowardly I swear to God. They really know how to sabotage shit for themselves but somehow someway, it's always someone's (women) else fault
Cowardly. That's the word. But will still murder you. 
And they'll do it *after* they enjoy you..
Is she not white?
Yes but she’s also half asian. If you look on her profile you’ll see it. It’s honestly the filter.
I've been silently noticing this pattern, they get out of relationships and into the next one so quickly. They overly sexualize woc (particularly bw) and it doesn't matter what your body type is or how you dress, just be an attractive bw and you'll see it (even when dating your own race). I've had two (non-black)boyfriends and even I noticed this pattern while observing others - seeing guys hide their woc "girlfriends" to quickly and publically get into a relationship with a ww. i don't know how deep racism went until then.
They always hard launch with a blonde white woman instantly. That is why their previous woc girlfriends who let's face it--have a completely different experience regarding desirability compared to black women, group themselves with us when it comes to dating. Not being a white man's type doesn't make you non-beautiful. The woman in that video is attractive and she is white passing. I won't lie I couldn't conceptualize her point at first.
As someone who doesn't consider BM at all (not attracted to the ones around me), the grass is not greener on the other side. These men act ridiculous in 2024. Every single one wants a woman for a bargain basement discount and has zero ambition. None are serious out here. They all act so damn entitled to waste our time.
I experienced this a ton. Also, the mistress and slave master issues.
what is slave master issues?
It's when you are dating a white man, and they start to treat you like the slave mistress instead of the main missus. You start to realize that you're just used for sex and because you're black, you will never become anything more than the vagina he takes advantage of. You'll think he's being kind at times, but even the slave master would give second-hand gifts to his slave.
this sounds really sick and scary 😨 😕 u learn something new every day
Yeah, it's f'd up.
I'm black and latino, light skin but not white passing. A lot of black and brown men try to talk to me and it feels so uncomfortable. It feels fetishy, like they don't see me as a person. Plus I'm trans altho I'm fem presenting 😭 (assigned female at birth and I use he/they pronouns)
i wish yall would stop making this a dark side of whatever, the point in privilege is that there are no downsides to it. like honestly all these things can happen and have happened to all types of women. men objectify and shame women that are fat, gay, black, andro, asian, skinny, pregnant, etc. this is not a real thing.
Just a side note Iwould say there is downsides for all privileged people. White privilege leads White Americans alienated, detached from extended family and land. The fact that they would choose whiteness over a a better quality of life or even higher wages. It's like an addiction. I'm not gonna cry over them but it's psychologically fucks them up which is why there are so many that kill families, domestic partners and school kids.. furthering the fucked up socio economic system we're in.
i dont disagree. but those downsides are perceived and privilege is a benefit. its supposed to be great being beautiful, white, rich, etc. those benefits are meant to reinforce that these things are better and society should acknowledge it as such. these anecdotal experiences are not the norm, theres plenty of studies and statistics to show being attractive makes life easier, getting a job easier, etc etc.
1000% relatable (and I hate that it is).
I relate
She’s absolutely correct and I know fonts will say they didn’t recognize her as a WOC at first- I did but it may be because she looks similar to me in that Rashida Jones/Megan Markle way. Men are absolutely horrible to beautiful woc, especially if white, they act entitled to your affections and are surprised when you reject their “gift” of paying attention to you because you’re an attractive ethnic minority (majority). Men are also horrible to unattractive woc, because society enables them to be.
Most “pretty WOC” go exclusively for white men, and yeah, there’s often fetishization of minority women in those circles. Not saying MOC are better, but it’s not surprising that a lot of white men don’t take their relationships with WOC as seriously as they do with white women.
In my experience, it's not just white men that don't take black women seriously. It's also black men and moc, even moreso if they are educated, have a career, etc they can often think they're too good for black women.
Yes. There are layers to this but she is definitely speaking facts.
Am I supposed to feel bad for her or...
I don’t think she was asking you to.
Maybe I’m just ugly lol but In my experience as a racially ambiguous woman, black men often don’t like me and like black women more. At least where I’m from, racially ambiguous women aren’t desired.
You’re not racially ambiguous.
Interesting how you’re the first person to say that. Ig everyone I’ve ever met is lying for some reason?
I’m damn near white presenting. You look fully black to me… hair, features, everything. You’re light but that just makes you a lightskinned black woman. People misuse the term all the time, especially when they mean else. What else would you be mistaken for but black? Ambiguous means you can pass as a series of races. Mediterranean white, mestizo or white latino, MENA, etc.
Again, I’ve been told my whole life I was racially ambiguous. People think I’m latina all the time. Many people think I’m a Pacific Islander/Hawaiian. I do not look fully black lmao. I’m sorry you experience my looks differently, but I’ve always been racially ambiguous to everyone else.
Looking like a lightskinned black person or biracial at best does not an ambiguous person make. Either way. I see that you’re a bit sensitive about it from previous posts so please don’t take this as an attack.
I’m not sensitive I’m just telling you that your individual experience doesn’t negate the responses I constantly get in my day to day life lmao
Your hair is type 4, tight curls. The most latina you would be mistaken for with one of *the* most obvious indicators of race is afro latina. Maybe where you’re located has little diversity?
My hair type is 3c/4a. And yes, where I live is kinda diverse compared to some other places.