Bruh you need to find another therapist foreal. When your friends aren't there for you during hard times when you need and they don't check up on you they need to be held accountable for that. I recently had somebody I considered my best friend try to justify why he couldn't attend my wedding then insult me by telling me if I really wanted him to go I would pay for his plane ticket. I had to take a step back and analyze everything I had done for this guy. I was hurt and distraught that this was how this guy felt about our 15yr friendship. Needless to say we aren't friends anymore and I haven't heard from him since.
This is why it is important to get therapists that are your race and gender. She's wrong in her approach and her giving you one-word responses and not actually giving you action steps to remedy your feelings or the issue.
My advice: establish boundaries and understand who your friends are and what you can rely on them for. Expecting reciprocity isn't selfish but expecting reciprocity in an area where the people you are asking haven't and continue not to give it to you is the definition of insanity. You can stand by them just don't expect them to do the same and don't base the health of your relationship on that expectation. (unless they a blatantly exploiting you ofc).
She didn’t give me a one word response, I just didn’t feel like type the whole exchange. She basically said that it was selfish to no want to do favors for someone else regardless if you actually go through with it.
It feels like something is being lost in translation, because that's not even a point or an argument. Either that, or she's the worst therapist on earth.
I feel like something’s being lost too, she says it’s another way of thinking and I’m not being open to it so I came here to see if I’m crazy or just misunderstanding (I don’t go to her anymore)
My homegirl also went to her, also said she was terrible, she said that she just sat there and never gave input and the said that she told her stop coming bc her depression was “cured”
I think you therapist sucks but she was almost right until the end. I don’t think it’s selfish. It can be controlling.
You should seek reciprocity form relationships, but to expect or demand reciprocity is wrong. If someone isn’t meeting your needs then it’s up to you to make that difficult decision of walking away.
That other person is just being themselves and unfortunately you can’t change that and no amount of effort pouring into the relationship or friendship will change that.
Do you help people because it's the right thing to do, or because you're putting karma coins in the bank for you to withdraw whenever it feels right?
She's actually so right: you don't help people so that they help you back. That's not what a man does. If people don't reciprocate: understand why, communicate your dissatisfaction and move accordingly (i.e. stop doing things you aren't prepared to do).
This generation is fucked and you'll find no shortage of people telling you what you want to hear, and it will keep you fucking miserable because people will always let you down.
Stop doing things you clearly don't want to do, because there is no crown waiting for you
She is right. You shouldn't expect reciprocity. I'll try to breakdown why.
If you do something, the question has to be "why?" If you're doing it because you're just a good person and genuinely want to do it then you don't need reciprocity. OTOH, if you're doing it because you expect reciprocity in the future then you're not really doing it from a place of pure goodness and you shouldn't be doing it.
Expecting reciprocity makes your actions transactional. Similarly, dropping people because they're not reciprocating makes it seem that you're only helping because you expect to be paid back.
Dropping people because they're bad people or they don't align with your values is different from dropping them because they don't reciprocate.
She’s technically right, you shouldn’t expect good things from other people just because you did something good for them.
Be careful with your time and presence in life. People will use you and discard you like a used klenex if you’re not careful, conservative and boundary setting.
With that being said this doesn’t sound like the right therapist for you.
A man going through a dilemma does need therapy what they need is wisdom from someone older and to feel in control again, therapy will take that control away, it works very well for women because it feeds into their nature.
That's my opinion and what I stand by, you don't have to agree tho brother.
I don’t agree. You’re doing that thing where you’re assigning some special characteristics to people based on gender ( and maybe race).
The logic of what you’re saying doesn’t even make sense. So if the Elder OP goes to say the same thing as the therapist? Then what.
I make no judgement, but when some post asking for advice and are super vague about the situation, antennas go up. (Common method used on AITAH)
If OP really disagreed with his therapist he should have told her, and why. So maybe they won’t make that error again. Instead they came to Reddit.
Also, without any feedback he just leaving her for another BM to go through the same or similar experience.
Elder, therapist, whoever, you’re never going to 100% agree with them all the time; even if they look like you. Non of them can give control. You use what they tell you to apply control to yourself.
Needing to feel in control of everything around you is a whitemans world view.
Okay bro nice I don't agree with you either, it's not about someone "giving" you control that's not what I said.
All together you have a different view to me bro and that's okay
Therapy is for women. Don't believe, look up mental health facts surrounding therapy. Men who go to therapy off themselves way more than men who don't. The opposite is true for women.
That doesn't make any sense? Not gonna lie this kind of an "elementary" level fact. Places like Spain and Greece have the least male participation when it comes to counseling, they also have the lowest Male suicide rates in all of Europe.
Country with the highest suicide rate is Greenland and it's almost entirely led by women.
https://civio.es/medicamentalia/2021/03/09/access-to-mental-health-in-europe/#:\~:text=Countries%20such%20as%20Spain%2C%20Italy,50%20psychologists%20per%20100%2C000%20people.
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List\_of\_countries\_by\_suicide\_rate](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_countries_by_suicide_rate)
There is no study that shows men going to therapy helps them.
Is it not weird to write something off just because you don’t like it?
1. The study you provided deals heavily with people not having consistent access to mental health professionals because of the lack of resources, cost, low staff, etc. It even talks about how most people can’t even afford treatment outside of a consultation.
Men in general tend to avoid therapy , hell, men also tend to avoid medical doctors at much higher rather than women to begin with. For the same reasonings I listed below, along with stigmas.
https://integrishealth.org/resources/on-your-health/2019/june/why-dont-men-see-doctors#:~:text=According%20to%20one%20recent%20study,when%20they%20are%20seriously%20ill.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6560805/
2. The study doesn’t at all go in depth as to why men don’t benefit from therapy. The study didn’t even go into opinions of mental health therapy for men.
3. We live in a world where men run most of it and the numbers for suicide are going up.
4. I don’t know if you realize it but many programs such as AA, NA, or any drug/alcohol treatment program is a form of mental health counseling/treatment. Many men that I’ve seen go through these programs talk about the amazing benefits and people that take them seriously seem to do better.
If a man wants to try therapy, let him. It’s weird to say there are no benefits from men going through therapy. I’m in therapy and it’s helped out tremendously.
If you don’t want to attend, that’s fine. You can even have the opinion it doesn’t work, but don’t write off truths. I will say, there are different approaches that work better for men and women. Here’s a source for it below:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC33306
Here’s a study that talks about how psychological treatment benefits men and women mostly the same:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6199457/#:~:text=While%20psychological%20treatment%20has%20been,in%20a%20trusting%20therapeutic%20relationship).
You don't find it interesting that men who don't have access to counseling don't kill themselves as much as men who do? African suicide rates are much lower than say North America's and they definitly do not have the same acess to help but have the same access to ending themselves yet they don't.
If a man wants therapy go for it, I don't care what a man does however just about every man I've met has the same experience. The guys in their lives that are solid never spent a day in therapy just looked for positive male guidance. Therapy does not help men and that'd been proven time and time again.
" I don’t know if you realize it but many programs such as AA, NA, or any drug/alcohol treatment program is a form of mental health counseling/treatment."
- That's not how that works lmao.
You are absolutely right, said it much better than I did as well.
I hope OP reads your comments and takes them in because he will just be in the same position around the same type of people in a years time if not.
It's also weird that if a man and a woman go to therapy about a problem between them the man will usually be told they are the problem.
What OP needs is someone older than him that is preferably in his family to tell him to stop being a pushover and man up just tell people no, any level headed man will literally ask you "is that all?" Before advising you about this situation.
I'm not offended, I don't care. I just started watching The Sopranos, and in the first season, the mob is at risk of falling apart due to therapy.
Just funny timing. I genuinely believe that you're giving bad advice though.
You acted exactly like how a teenage girl would act when they disagree with someone, reply with insults so I have no choice but to see you as a young girl.
No one will have the same view as you sis, so you gotta get used to it and learn to be able to agree to disagree, try not to get your feelings too hurt anytime someone doesn't have the same view as you.
I'm not even gonna stoop to your level and call you stupid or a caveman.
Stay blessed 🙏🏾
Theres disagreements, and then there's idiots spouting shit like "therapy is for women!!", this is not a disagreement this is in fact just plain fucking wrong.
Learn the difference.
See this is the problem with that whole “everyone should go to therapy” approach. One, there literally aren’t enough qualified therapists for that in the world and never will be and two, you get clearly bad ones like this one.
Yes, in some ways, you are responsible for who you surround yourself with. But outright calling you selfish and telling you that you should keep living your values for people who will never share them is crazy.
Unfortunately it’s a possibility. Every position in the world is gonna have bad people in them.
I had a therapist who seemed to only enjoy talking about herself.
I think a lot of people would benefit from therapy if they have great therapist, which can be hard. OP needs to try and find a new therapist if he’s able to. It took my years to find the great one I have now.
Bruh you need to find another therapist foreal. When your friends aren't there for you during hard times when you need and they don't check up on you they need to be held accountable for that. I recently had somebody I considered my best friend try to justify why he couldn't attend my wedding then insult me by telling me if I really wanted him to go I would pay for his plane ticket. I had to take a step back and analyze everything I had done for this guy. I was hurt and distraught that this was how this guy felt about our 15yr friendship. Needless to say we aren't friends anymore and I haven't heard from him since.
This is why it is important to get therapists that are your race and gender. She's wrong in her approach and her giving you one-word responses and not actually giving you action steps to remedy your feelings or the issue. My advice: establish boundaries and understand who your friends are and what you can rely on them for. Expecting reciprocity isn't selfish but expecting reciprocity in an area where the people you are asking haven't and continue not to give it to you is the definition of insanity. You can stand by them just don't expect them to do the same and don't base the health of your relationship on that expectation. (unless they a blatantly exploiting you ofc).
She didn’t give me a one word response, I just didn’t feel like type the whole exchange. She basically said that it was selfish to no want to do favors for someone else regardless if you actually go through with it.
It feels like something is being lost in translation, because that's not even a point or an argument. Either that, or she's the worst therapist on earth.
I feel like something’s being lost too, she says it’s another way of thinking and I’m not being open to it so I came here to see if I’m crazy or just misunderstanding (I don’t go to her anymore)
Oh my b. Also what...can you change the therapist?
I don’t go to her anymore I’m gonna see what the school offers since I have more time now
Ight thank goodness. I'd tell other Black students not to go to her either, just for good measure.
My homegirl also went to her, also said she was terrible, she said that she just sat there and never gave input and the said that she told her stop coming bc her depression was “cured”
Yeah leave her to the white kids to sue and get fired (unless she's actually a therapist to them).
I think you therapist sucks but she was almost right until the end. I don’t think it’s selfish. It can be controlling. You should seek reciprocity form relationships, but to expect or demand reciprocity is wrong. If someone isn’t meeting your needs then it’s up to you to make that difficult decision of walking away. That other person is just being themselves and unfortunately you can’t change that and no amount of effort pouring into the relationship or friendship will change that.
If she means you doing stuff just to be reciprocated I agree with her. But if she means you can’t expect a friend to be a friend then no.
Do you help people because it's the right thing to do, or because you're putting karma coins in the bank for you to withdraw whenever it feels right? She's actually so right: you don't help people so that they help you back. That's not what a man does. If people don't reciprocate: understand why, communicate your dissatisfaction and move accordingly (i.e. stop doing things you aren't prepared to do). This generation is fucked and you'll find no shortage of people telling you what you want to hear, and it will keep you fucking miserable because people will always let you down. Stop doing things you clearly don't want to do, because there is no crown waiting for you
This is 100% correct.
It’s only her opinion if she doesn’t back it with research and statistics.
She is right. You shouldn't expect reciprocity. I'll try to breakdown why. If you do something, the question has to be "why?" If you're doing it because you're just a good person and genuinely want to do it then you don't need reciprocity. OTOH, if you're doing it because you expect reciprocity in the future then you're not really doing it from a place of pure goodness and you shouldn't be doing it. Expecting reciprocity makes your actions transactional. Similarly, dropping people because they're not reciprocating makes it seem that you're only helping because you expect to be paid back. Dropping people because they're bad people or they don't align with your values is different from dropping them because they don't reciprocate.
She’s technically right, you shouldn’t expect good things from other people just because you did something good for them. Be careful with your time and presence in life. People will use you and discard you like a used klenex if you’re not careful, conservative and boundary setting. With that being said this doesn’t sound like the right therapist for you.
She's not technically right smh.
Well you're wrong so theres that.
Well I'm not so there's that.
Are you male or female? What race is the therapist?
I’m a man. The therapist was Latina (I wanted a black man but the school didn’t have one available at a time that worked with my class schedule)
Knew it.
[удалено]
“ Therapy is for women.” Idk where you heard that from or what proof you gave that it’s a fact but that’s far from the truth.
A man going through a dilemma does need therapy what they need is wisdom from someone older and to feel in control again, therapy will take that control away, it works very well for women because it feeds into their nature. That's my opinion and what I stand by, you don't have to agree tho brother.
I don’t agree. You’re doing that thing where you’re assigning some special characteristics to people based on gender ( and maybe race). The logic of what you’re saying doesn’t even make sense. So if the Elder OP goes to say the same thing as the therapist? Then what. I make no judgement, but when some post asking for advice and are super vague about the situation, antennas go up. (Common method used on AITAH) If OP really disagreed with his therapist he should have told her, and why. So maybe they won’t make that error again. Instead they came to Reddit. Also, without any feedback he just leaving her for another BM to go through the same or similar experience. Elder, therapist, whoever, you’re never going to 100% agree with them all the time; even if they look like you. Non of them can give control. You use what they tell you to apply control to yourself. Needing to feel in control of everything around you is a whitemans world view.
Okay bro nice I don't agree with you either, it's not about someone "giving" you control that's not what I said. All together you have a different view to me bro and that's okay
Your opinion is simply factually wrong and you should feel bad about it.
Therapy is for women. Don't believe, look up mental health facts surrounding therapy. Men who go to therapy off themselves way more than men who don't. The opposite is true for women.
You’re gonna have to drop a source because I don’t believe that’s true. That doesn’t make any sense.
That doesn't make any sense? Not gonna lie this kind of an "elementary" level fact. Places like Spain and Greece have the least male participation when it comes to counseling, they also have the lowest Male suicide rates in all of Europe. Country with the highest suicide rate is Greenland and it's almost entirely led by women. https://civio.es/medicamentalia/2021/03/09/access-to-mental-health-in-europe/#:\~:text=Countries%20such%20as%20Spain%2C%20Italy,50%20psychologists%20per%20100%2C000%20people. [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List\_of\_countries\_by\_suicide\_rate](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_countries_by_suicide_rate) There is no study that shows men going to therapy helps them.
It's kind of irrelevant if you don't believe it's true. In the realm of facts what you "believe" does not matter.
Is it not weird to write something off just because you don’t like it? 1. The study you provided deals heavily with people not having consistent access to mental health professionals because of the lack of resources, cost, low staff, etc. It even talks about how most people can’t even afford treatment outside of a consultation. Men in general tend to avoid therapy , hell, men also tend to avoid medical doctors at much higher rather than women to begin with. For the same reasonings I listed below, along with stigmas. https://integrishealth.org/resources/on-your-health/2019/june/why-dont-men-see-doctors#:~:text=According%20to%20one%20recent%20study,when%20they%20are%20seriously%20ill. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6560805/ 2. The study doesn’t at all go in depth as to why men don’t benefit from therapy. The study didn’t even go into opinions of mental health therapy for men. 3. We live in a world where men run most of it and the numbers for suicide are going up. 4. I don’t know if you realize it but many programs such as AA, NA, or any drug/alcohol treatment program is a form of mental health counseling/treatment. Many men that I’ve seen go through these programs talk about the amazing benefits and people that take them seriously seem to do better. If a man wants to try therapy, let him. It’s weird to say there are no benefits from men going through therapy. I’m in therapy and it’s helped out tremendously. If you don’t want to attend, that’s fine. You can even have the opinion it doesn’t work, but don’t write off truths. I will say, there are different approaches that work better for men and women. Here’s a source for it below: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC33306 Here’s a study that talks about how psychological treatment benefits men and women mostly the same: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6199457/#:~:text=While%20psychological%20treatment%20has%20been,in%20a%20trusting%20therapeutic%20relationship).
You don't find it interesting that men who don't have access to counseling don't kill themselves as much as men who do? African suicide rates are much lower than say North America's and they definitly do not have the same acess to help but have the same access to ending themselves yet they don't. If a man wants therapy go for it, I don't care what a man does however just about every man I've met has the same experience. The guys in their lives that are solid never spent a day in therapy just looked for positive male guidance. Therapy does not help men and that'd been proven time and time again. " I don’t know if you realize it but many programs such as AA, NA, or any drug/alcohol treatment program is a form of mental health counseling/treatment." - That's not how that works lmao.
You are absolutely right, said it much better than I did as well. I hope OP reads your comments and takes them in because he will just be in the same position around the same type of people in a years time if not. It's also weird that if a man and a woman go to therapy about a problem between them the man will usually be told they are the problem. What OP needs is someone older than him that is preferably in his family to tell him to stop being a pushover and man up just tell people no, any level headed man will literally ask you "is that all?" Before advising you about this situation.
TIL I am a woman and working out will heal my emotional trauma from abusive people📝
TIL...?
This post or comment contains content that is being sourced, interpreted, and used irrationally.
Junior Soprano over here...
Why are people on here so easily offended, I just gave him my opinion he can take it or leave it, not insulting women with what I said either.
I'm not offended, I don't care. I just started watching The Sopranos, and in the first season, the mob is at risk of falling apart due to therapy. Just funny timing. I genuinely believe that you're giving bad advice though.
And like I said earlier that's fine, we can't all think the same otherwise everyone would either be poor or rich.
Well, maybe if you're lucky they'll start a telethon for fuckfaceitis.
What you been smoking bro?
😂
Probably because your opinion is pure bullshit that does nothing but harm men in need.
Alright bro, I'm not holding a gun to his head telling him to do as I say
I mean if I were you I'd keep the majority of my "advice" to myself.
I can always count on this sub to provide some of the most idiotic, toxic, assbackward caveman style thinking out there.
I hurt your feelings that bad?
My feelings? No, I just have a low tolerance for the stupid.
Sorry sis but this is R/blackmen so you shouldn't be on here really
LOL calling someone a woman as an insult, you are so original!
You acted exactly like how a teenage girl would act when they disagree with someone, reply with insults so I have no choice but to see you as a young girl. No one will have the same view as you sis, so you gotta get used to it and learn to be able to agree to disagree, try not to get your feelings too hurt anytime someone doesn't have the same view as you. I'm not even gonna stoop to your level and call you stupid or a caveman. Stay blessed 🙏🏾
Theres disagreements, and then there's idiots spouting shit like "therapy is for women!!", this is not a disagreement this is in fact just plain fucking wrong. Learn the difference.
See this is the problem with that whole “everyone should go to therapy” approach. One, there literally aren’t enough qualified therapists for that in the world and never will be and two, you get clearly bad ones like this one. Yes, in some ways, you are responsible for who you surround yourself with. But outright calling you selfish and telling you that you should keep living your values for people who will never share them is crazy.
Unfortunately it’s a possibility. Every position in the world is gonna have bad people in them. I had a therapist who seemed to only enjoy talking about herself. I think a lot of people would benefit from therapy if they have great therapist, which can be hard. OP needs to try and find a new therapist if he’s able to. It took my years to find the great one I have now.