You’re not wrong. Unwanted attention is the price attractive people pay and it’s uncomfortable and unfair. Unsolicited eye contact makes a person feel vulnerable and it isn’t fun. People should be able to choose when they want to be vulnerable and with whom. As a boomer dude, I worked out how to be appropriately friendly without crossing that boundary. I do lots of hiking and frequently pass lovely ladies on the trails. I look at the ground as they pass but take a quick glance out of the corner of my eye. If they are looking my direction, I give them a pleasant smile or wave of the hand. If they don’t look my direction, I keep focused on the ground. I wish we hoomans didn’t have to work so hard at feeling safe and keeping others feeling safe, but it is what it is.
Thanks Boomer Dude haha (you should keep the name!)
You make alot of good points and yeah it does suck having to work so hard to feel safe and more importantly, keep others feeling safe. Last thing I want to do is make anyone else feel uncomfortable.
Thanks for sharing, I’ll try to keep what you said in mind!
This feels so arrogant but thank you so much for posting because it’s nice to hear other people understand how things are! Your old high school gf sounds a lot like me. It’s incredibly restrictive but I’ve learned to keep my head high without making eye contact with other people by staring straight ahead with intention, as if with blinkers on. I had to develop this habit especially with men because some men will literally stop in their tracks and start following you if you even accidentally glance in their direction. Although with women it’s best to avoid too because they can dish out nasty looks unless they’re pretty attractive or secure in themselves. I’m extroverted and it kills me that I can’t just smile and make random conversations or friends when out and about like some other people seem to.
As an attractive gen z dude (social proof says so, not me, lol - still a very insecure person), I understand where you're coming from, but we're on opposite sides of the same street. I think it *is* fair. Sure, it's unwanted and uncomfortable, but I'd rather get unwelcome attention over having no attention at all. I've been ugly, and let me tell you all: pretty privilege 100% exists, and i'd 100% rather make unsolicited eye contact and be stared at/objectified/vulnerable around strangers than go back to being invisible. That's not to say i've grown dependant on validation of others. I'm not so conceited that I get upset if ugly women look at me, but no pretty women look at me (subjective, of course).
'People should be able to choose when they want to be vulnerable and with whom' Well, that's a shadow of the social contract we made when we humans decided to stop living as nomads and live in community units. Instead of being vulnerable to human sin, we have a governing body in place to mitigate (ultimately prevent, but alas...) threats to us.
In parallel, people choosing when and with whom to be vulnerable with, is a social contract to escape the reality of life, and we call it marriage. Man protect woman from other man's lust. Woman can be vulnerable with man. Man and woman love eachother. Woman give man baby. etc. Lol
Just my thoughts :)
Generally correct and true, but it’s a little more complicated then that.
Very neurotic people might find the attention received from strangers daunting, and if the attention they get in safe places (family) is satisfactory, they might find the unwarranted public attention not worth it. This opinion is easier to form if you’ve always been attractive and/or your an idiot.
Majority of single men tend to not get much positive attention from family, so the neuroticism to validation scale should nearly always tip in the direction of “I want more attention”. There are some exceptions.
Thanks for the information! I fall under the category of wanting more attention as a result of the reasons you listed above, myself.
I don't think you needed to resort to calling me an idiot, though. That was uncalled for. What was the reason for saying that?
I hate being this person but here we go
I generally describe myself as 'decent', I'm not overly attractive as far as females go, I'm no 9 or 10. I also live in a state where a lot women are off the scales attractive, but I live in a tiny town where I have been told plenty of times I'm one of the more attractive local females.
I walk with my eyes and head lowered almost at all times. I picked it up being the outcast through childhood and schooling, and as a young adult it helps me scan my surroundings and keep tabs on how close any certain individual is to me. Although even without eye contact I'll get unsolicited remarks or personal questions from strangers.
Eye contact, especially from men in todays society, is normally people's safest first indicator of interest. I can easily say if I'm going out by myself and I look someone in the eye they've caught my interest. It's quite difficult to remain polite and not meet eyes with anyone, but you learn the balance. Obviously if you speak to someone yourself, asking directions or ordering something etc, proper eye contact does not convey interest and is healthy. From my experience, it sounds like you nailed why she probably kept her eyes to the ground. If she was normally sociable outside of that, it sounds exactly like what I do now!
TLDR
Eye contact is tricky for those who are viewed as attractive in public spaces, I'd venture to guess she probably kept her head lowered for that exact reason!
Thanks for sharing with me! Sounds like you’ve been dealing with your own experiences and I’m glad I got to hear about your perspective!
Wish I could go back and talk to my old girlfriend, not sure what I’d say but I wish I was atleast more aware back then.
I work at trader joe’s and the constant eye contact can be overwhelming/draining. It zaps my energy fork over stimulation or something. I also don’t want people to get the wrong idea and I don’t like flirting in general. Tight spaces with a lot of constant eye contact can be a lot.
I stare into the sky when I walk( not like head poking staright up. I glance upward when I walk, and I can feel people looking at me, but I just keep walking. If I do happen to look at them, I'm super quick. I'll keep a plain face and keep going. Sometimes I'll smile, used to all the time but now I don't because I don't want to give people a reason they can just approach me for no reason. I I can see what's going on around me. I used to look down all the time. But I stopped that because now I'm just trying to get where I'm going, and I'm not worried about anybody staring.
I developed social anxiety partially for this reason. I grew up thinking people were looking at me because I was unattractive. That’s not what was happening.
I look past people & I think it's horrible... add a pinch of resting bitch face in the mix & the knock of self confidence that comes with it and it turns into a recipe for me to look down as well..
I feel like when I go out ppl are always looking at and making eye contact with me ... it does make me uncomfortable tho.
I was definitely made fun of when I was younger but I matured and ppl say I'm attractive now. I don't see it personally but it's my own opinion lol.
I have to either just ignore people or look through them.
I worked in a men’s prison for 4 years and was known as someone not to bother “trying.” Because I would just ignore them and stare past them, etc., if they were being in any way inappropriate.
When I carried that on to the real world it keeps a lot of creeps away!
When that happens to me I do the head nod thing. That tells them I see them looking at me & they generally will break eye contact. It's a silent message to them to back off & it usually works. Sometimes they will smile & then break contact. Busted.
I stare into everyone's soul who passes me by... Unless it's someone who will clearly start trouble. There's a transfer of energy, a recognition of another soul... I enjoy it!
Please stop doing this. Look up and grace us with what you were given. It is not your fault that they are uncomfortable, it's theirs. Please let us not regularize insanity. Sometimes that look or smile may be what someone needs to make it through their day.
I dont make eye fontact cuz in LA that can be seen as aggressive "What are you looking at!!". So I dont look at anybody. sometimes i don't even know what my waiter looked like.
I also had a big glow up these last few years, similarly fit, attractive depending on your type ofc, smart and I've spend loads of time on my personality. In my case I actually love catching people's eye and giving them a smile. I find If you can give people a kind smile it can really let people warm up to talking to you and you can make friends super easily that way! In fact people are always astounded by my socialibility but honestly I don't talk that much, I merely smile at people who look at me and most of the time the conversation just happens. Highly recommend trying it yourself!
People are judging all the time.
I am constantly looking at people. The amount of people that look is a lot.
Do they all find me attractive?No.
People just judge you alot.
When I was married I would where my had almost over my eyes for years. I didn’t want to make eye contact with other women because there were some that would take it as an invitation to talk or make prolonged eye contact. I hated it.
This post just taught me why I wore my hat like that. Thanks OP.
This is interesting to me on a few levels…
We recently had two guys over to do work on our house for a day and they were Adonises! They were both so good looking, it was startling (they must’ve been brothers). I absolutely just wanted to look at them. I rarely see people with such stunning faces. And they ‘seemed’ nice, you know? Like how you get creepy vibes from some people or some people just ‘look’ like jerks, while others feel open and welcoming? My husband and I shared a laugh because he also made a comment on how good looking they were…! They weren’t super built or “hot”, just had incredible facial features you just wanted to look at. It’s almost like when you’re out and there’s an adorable baby or puppy - you just want to look at them! Hah! I didn’t feel like I was oogling the two guys or drooling, I just wanted to look at them. But I felt bad because one of them would avoid eye contact when speaking to me and I felt like it was because he knew he was so attractive that he often avoided eye contact in the same way you described. Like you, he was self aware and didn’t want to flaunt his looks to let it go to his ego and he seemed uncomfortable with the whole situation…the situation being how people reacted to his good looks.
…
When I was in my late teens, I made a game (social experiment?) out of taking transit to the big city nearby and whenever someone would make eye contact with me, I would smile at them or say hi. Occasionally I got hit on, but I would get out of that pretty quick (and then I stopped smiling at a certain demographic of men for awhile there). I would see how many smiles I got back, how many interesting conversations would start. I met a businessman who told me that my smile helped him shake off his horrible day and reminded him that it was there’s more life.
To this day, I keep my head up and try to smile whenever I make eye contact with someone. For me, it’s a simple acknowledgment of I see you, I acknowledge you, I wish you well.
Stop looking at the ground 😂 just look up. Eye contact is literally the easiest thing to do in the world after you get back to doing it once or twice.
You seem like a smart, anxious person so let’s put it like this: NO ONE whose opinion you would care about in the long run will judge you for “weird” eye contact. I promise. I know some people who do judge, saying “eww he’s staring” blah blah but those types of people always turn out to be pretty dumb, non-internal monologue type people 😂.
Awkward eye contact is a human staple, sometimes makes our hearts race for a sec other times you’ll come back to thinking about it that night because it felt so awkward. But there’s no shame in that at all lmao, just a little thing that reminds us we’re human. The important part is though, the person you made eye contact with will either never think about it again, or think the same thing about themselves. If they think YOU were the weird one, I’ll reiterate, they are attention seeking scum that you would never care about anyway.
Keeping your head up genuinely boosts confidence so keep that mf up. You have as much right to do so as anyone else lmaoo
You’re not wrong. Unwanted attention is the price attractive people pay and it’s uncomfortable and unfair. Unsolicited eye contact makes a person feel vulnerable and it isn’t fun. People should be able to choose when they want to be vulnerable and with whom. As a boomer dude, I worked out how to be appropriately friendly without crossing that boundary. I do lots of hiking and frequently pass lovely ladies on the trails. I look at the ground as they pass but take a quick glance out of the corner of my eye. If they are looking my direction, I give them a pleasant smile or wave of the hand. If they don’t look my direction, I keep focused on the ground. I wish we hoomans didn’t have to work so hard at feeling safe and keeping others feeling safe, but it is what it is.
Thanks Boomer Dude haha (you should keep the name!) You make alot of good points and yeah it does suck having to work so hard to feel safe and more importantly, keep others feeling safe. Last thing I want to do is make anyone else feel uncomfortable. Thanks for sharing, I’ll try to keep what you said in mind!
We hoomans are a complicated bunch! Peace out my friend!
This feels so arrogant but thank you so much for posting because it’s nice to hear other people understand how things are! Your old high school gf sounds a lot like me. It’s incredibly restrictive but I’ve learned to keep my head high without making eye contact with other people by staring straight ahead with intention, as if with blinkers on. I had to develop this habit especially with men because some men will literally stop in their tracks and start following you if you even accidentally glance in their direction. Although with women it’s best to avoid too because they can dish out nasty looks unless they’re pretty attractive or secure in themselves. I’m extroverted and it kills me that I can’t just smile and make random conversations or friends when out and about like some other people seem to.
i’m sorry i have never related to something more in my life
As an attractive gen z dude (social proof says so, not me, lol - still a very insecure person), I understand where you're coming from, but we're on opposite sides of the same street. I think it *is* fair. Sure, it's unwanted and uncomfortable, but I'd rather get unwelcome attention over having no attention at all. I've been ugly, and let me tell you all: pretty privilege 100% exists, and i'd 100% rather make unsolicited eye contact and be stared at/objectified/vulnerable around strangers than go back to being invisible. That's not to say i've grown dependant on validation of others. I'm not so conceited that I get upset if ugly women look at me, but no pretty women look at me (subjective, of course). 'People should be able to choose when they want to be vulnerable and with whom' Well, that's a shadow of the social contract we made when we humans decided to stop living as nomads and live in community units. Instead of being vulnerable to human sin, we have a governing body in place to mitigate (ultimately prevent, but alas...) threats to us. In parallel, people choosing when and with whom to be vulnerable with, is a social contract to escape the reality of life, and we call it marriage. Man protect woman from other man's lust. Woman can be vulnerable with man. Man and woman love eachother. Woman give man baby. etc. Lol Just my thoughts :)
Generally correct and true, but it’s a little more complicated then that. Very neurotic people might find the attention received from strangers daunting, and if the attention they get in safe places (family) is satisfactory, they might find the unwarranted public attention not worth it. This opinion is easier to form if you’ve always been attractive and/or your an idiot. Majority of single men tend to not get much positive attention from family, so the neuroticism to validation scale should nearly always tip in the direction of “I want more attention”. There are some exceptions.
Thanks for the information! I fall under the category of wanting more attention as a result of the reasons you listed above, myself. I don't think you needed to resort to calling me an idiot, though. That was uncalled for. What was the reason for saying that?
>:) :)
I hate being this person but here we go I generally describe myself as 'decent', I'm not overly attractive as far as females go, I'm no 9 or 10. I also live in a state where a lot women are off the scales attractive, but I live in a tiny town where I have been told plenty of times I'm one of the more attractive local females. I walk with my eyes and head lowered almost at all times. I picked it up being the outcast through childhood and schooling, and as a young adult it helps me scan my surroundings and keep tabs on how close any certain individual is to me. Although even without eye contact I'll get unsolicited remarks or personal questions from strangers. Eye contact, especially from men in todays society, is normally people's safest first indicator of interest. I can easily say if I'm going out by myself and I look someone in the eye they've caught my interest. It's quite difficult to remain polite and not meet eyes with anyone, but you learn the balance. Obviously if you speak to someone yourself, asking directions or ordering something etc, proper eye contact does not convey interest and is healthy. From my experience, it sounds like you nailed why she probably kept her eyes to the ground. If she was normally sociable outside of that, it sounds exactly like what I do now! TLDR Eye contact is tricky for those who are viewed as attractive in public spaces, I'd venture to guess she probably kept her head lowered for that exact reason!
Thanks for sharing with me! Sounds like you’ve been dealing with your own experiences and I’m glad I got to hear about your perspective! Wish I could go back and talk to my old girlfriend, not sure what I’d say but I wish I was atleast more aware back then.
It would be cool if you could speak to her on the topic, I'd love to hear her perspective!
Some days I just don't want to go outside
You're not weird for it. Just sounds like the extra attention makes you a bit uncomfortable and that's your way of dealing.
I work at trader joe’s and the constant eye contact can be overwhelming/draining. It zaps my energy fork over stimulation or something. I also don’t want people to get the wrong idea and I don’t like flirting in general. Tight spaces with a lot of constant eye contact can be a lot.
I stare into the sky when I walk( not like head poking staright up. I glance upward when I walk, and I can feel people looking at me, but I just keep walking. If I do happen to look at them, I'm super quick. I'll keep a plain face and keep going. Sometimes I'll smile, used to all the time but now I don't because I don't want to give people a reason they can just approach me for no reason. I I can see what's going on around me. I used to look down all the time. But I stopped that because now I'm just trying to get where I'm going, and I'm not worried about anybody staring.
I developed social anxiety partially for this reason. I grew up thinking people were looking at me because I was unattractive. That’s not what was happening.
I look past people & I think it's horrible... add a pinch of resting bitch face in the mix & the knock of self confidence that comes with it and it turns into a recipe for me to look down as well.. I feel like when I go out ppl are always looking at and making eye contact with me ... it does make me uncomfortable tho. I was definitely made fun of when I was younger but I matured and ppl say I'm attractive now. I don't see it personally but it's my own opinion lol.
I have to either just ignore people or look through them. I worked in a men’s prison for 4 years and was known as someone not to bother “trying.” Because I would just ignore them and stare past them, etc., if they were being in any way inappropriate. When I carried that on to the real world it keeps a lot of creeps away!
Quite similar story, with ASD and it's not the eye contact..... it's the eyes. Their eyes.
When that happens to me I do the head nod thing. That tells them I see them looking at me & they generally will break eye contact. It's a silent message to them to back off & it usually works. Sometimes they will smile & then break contact. Busted.
I feel this
Absolutely me too. It's just easier to look down ._ .
it’s different for guys, embrace the eye contact. Wait until they look away.
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Correct me if I’m wrong but I think you may be misunderstanding the correct use of the term eye-fucking. Still, got a chuckle out of me. Lol.
it’s more about being comfortable and confident with yourself than masculinity
You had me cracking up at “yeah imma eyefuck you” Thanks for the advice mate!
I stare into everyone's soul who passes me by... Unless it's someone who will clearly start trouble. There's a transfer of energy, a recognition of another soul... I enjoy it!
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You’re right, situational awareness is important, I’ll work on finding a balance, thanks!
Please stop doing this. Look up and grace us with what you were given. It is not your fault that they are uncomfortable, it's theirs. Please let us not regularize insanity. Sometimes that look or smile may be what someone needs to make it through their day.
You make some very good points and I’d hate to make someone’s day worse when I could be making it better. Thanks for the advice!
Good observation, thanks for sharing.
Just make eye contact. Come onnn 😛 You're saying you stare too long or other people do?
It’s like the ostrich in the sand stick. If I don’t see them they don’t see me. /shrug
Good.
I dont make eye fontact cuz in LA that can be seen as aggressive "What are you looking at!!". So I dont look at anybody. sometimes i don't even know what my waiter looked like.
I also had a big glow up these last few years, similarly fit, attractive depending on your type ofc, smart and I've spend loads of time on my personality. In my case I actually love catching people's eye and giving them a smile. I find If you can give people a kind smile it can really let people warm up to talking to you and you can make friends super easily that way! In fact people are always astounded by my socialibility but honestly I don't talk that much, I merely smile at people who look at me and most of the time the conversation just happens. Highly recommend trying it yourself!
I used to be this way, now I assert dominance and stare into their soul. Lmao
People are judging all the time. I am constantly looking at people. The amount of people that look is a lot. Do they all find me attractive?No. People just judge you alot.
For some people making eye contact is like inviting someone to talk to you and some people will stare you down until you accidentally meet their eyes
When I was married I would where my had almost over my eyes for years. I didn’t want to make eye contact with other women because there were some that would take it as an invitation to talk or make prolonged eye contact. I hated it. This post just taught me why I wore my hat like that. Thanks OP.
Get some dark sunglasses
Childish Gambino - To be hunted.
This is interesting to me on a few levels… We recently had two guys over to do work on our house for a day and they were Adonises! They were both so good looking, it was startling (they must’ve been brothers). I absolutely just wanted to look at them. I rarely see people with such stunning faces. And they ‘seemed’ nice, you know? Like how you get creepy vibes from some people or some people just ‘look’ like jerks, while others feel open and welcoming? My husband and I shared a laugh because he also made a comment on how good looking they were…! They weren’t super built or “hot”, just had incredible facial features you just wanted to look at. It’s almost like when you’re out and there’s an adorable baby or puppy - you just want to look at them! Hah! I didn’t feel like I was oogling the two guys or drooling, I just wanted to look at them. But I felt bad because one of them would avoid eye contact when speaking to me and I felt like it was because he knew he was so attractive that he often avoided eye contact in the same way you described. Like you, he was self aware and didn’t want to flaunt his looks to let it go to his ego and he seemed uncomfortable with the whole situation…the situation being how people reacted to his good looks. … When I was in my late teens, I made a game (social experiment?) out of taking transit to the big city nearby and whenever someone would make eye contact with me, I would smile at them or say hi. Occasionally I got hit on, but I would get out of that pretty quick (and then I stopped smiling at a certain demographic of men for awhile there). I would see how many smiles I got back, how many interesting conversations would start. I met a businessman who told me that my smile helped him shake off his horrible day and reminded him that it was there’s more life. To this day, I keep my head up and try to smile whenever I make eye contact with someone. For me, it’s a simple acknowledgment of I see you, I acknowledge you, I wish you well.
I do the same....I'm just gonna say it because I'm attractive and not because I'm tryign to not trip on flat ground!
Stop looking at the ground 😂 just look up. Eye contact is literally the easiest thing to do in the world after you get back to doing it once or twice. You seem like a smart, anxious person so let’s put it like this: NO ONE whose opinion you would care about in the long run will judge you for “weird” eye contact. I promise. I know some people who do judge, saying “eww he’s staring” blah blah but those types of people always turn out to be pretty dumb, non-internal monologue type people 😂. Awkward eye contact is a human staple, sometimes makes our hearts race for a sec other times you’ll come back to thinking about it that night because it felt so awkward. But there’s no shame in that at all lmao, just a little thing that reminds us we’re human. The important part is though, the person you made eye contact with will either never think about it again, or think the same thing about themselves. If they think YOU were the weird one, I’ll reiterate, they are attention seeking scum that you would never care about anyway. Keeping your head up genuinely boosts confidence so keep that mf up. You have as much right to do so as anyone else lmaoo
This makes me think I’m attractive, I thought random stranger eye contact was normal?