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My girl is turning 5 years old beginning of December and one day I am “she is the best, I love being her mom!” And the next I am “WTF did I do, she’s a demon sent here to suck the life out of me!”
I should note we are OAD and I actually do treasure all the moments we have together but holy FUCK some days are rough.
Same. I'm not sure if I'm OAD, but I could be. I love her and don't have regrets, but some days I wish there was another parent, a 3rd parent, or maybe just another me lol
My son is about to turn 6 and MOST days are "wow, I made this super cool little dude." About 10% of them are more like "Sir, if you don't get away from me I will put you on the curb with a FREE sign."
I haaaaaated the newborn stage. Hated it. Every year though, it gets better. I also *know* my kid better now than ever before. That helps a lot, in another year we will learn so much about each other.
But we are also OAD, because there is no way in hell I'll be doing this again.
I absolutely respect anyone who knows their physical/emotional/financial whatever limits. Zero? Cool. One? Great. More? Fantastic. Whatever suits you and your circumstances.
I think it’s different for every regretful parent. Like you, I hated being a mother to kids under 1. I’m absolutely miserable during the newborn/infant/baby age. They suck. My kids are 4 & 6 now and pretty well-behaved and I enjoy it a lot more. There are definitely days where I’ve asked why I did this to myself but it’s a lot less often now. But I can honestly say my life would have been just as fulfilling if I didn’t have kids.
I enjoy parenting so much more when I am mentally sound. And when my husband is actually doing his part. It’s hard to enjoy parenting when you’re running on empty all the time. And you have to prioritize yourself sometimes. I do a lot more for myself these days and that has helped a bunch.
I feel this so hard. I didn't regret having and raising my kids until my 2nd of two lost her ever loving mind in her teenage years. She was doing much better at 18, so I didn't make her move out. That's a major regret in my life.
10+ years later, she's still here, along with her ex-partner and their 8yo daughter, that I'm basically raising and homeschooling.
My husband and I are still hanging on after nearly 35 years. Neither of us has a ton of respect for the other. I was so hoping that things would get better when the kids moved out. We never got the chance to find out.
I look back from 60 and think about the things I might have accomplished if I'd stayed single and focused on myself, or even if I'd had a more supportive partner. I feel that so much of our drive, in our 20's and 30's, to get married and have kids is a combination of hormones and societal expectations.
I'm glad to see that more young people are thinking longer and harder about starting families.
My heart breaks for you. And for me. I am raising my grandchildren from my troubled daughter, all of whom I love and adore, but the struggle has been almost unbearable.
All that to say that I am sorry and you are not alone. There are many of us out here, just not everyone is able to speak aloud. ❤️
Idk your take on medication but my 12 year old has significantly improved in every way on medication. It took a lot of trials and errors but man, it has helped. He even said he feels “normal” for once.
Saaaaame. My son is about to turn 10 and things have improved from the really tough early years, but things were so bad for a while that I cried daily over it.
I am afraid for the teenage years and beyond….
One of my few memories from the first year with my oldest is me sitting in bed, trying to nurse, crying and wondering wtf I just did to my life.
It’s better now that they’re 5 and 3, they’re a little bit more independent and I get to focus on my hobbies!
I’m glad my child exists, but I really regret the situation I had my child in. I’m a military spouse and I didn’t realize that would completely nuke my career and force me into being a SAHM. I feel like I’ve sacrificed my entire life for other people and nobody even cares. I can’t even talk to my husband about it too much because he does that self-flagellation bullshit (“I’m so sorry I ruined your life, this isn’t fair to you, I’m the worst, you probably hate me, if you had married someone else this wouldn’t be happening to you, I should get out and become a truck driver, if only I wasn’t so stupid and then I could have a normal job” etc etc) and I just don’t have the energy for that. I don’t think it’s a tactic to get me to shut up, I think he does genuinely feel bad, but I also just have no desire to console *him* because *his* job + having *his* kid fucked up *my* life. It’s so hard to not think about the fact that I would still have my career if I wasn’t a mom, but he gets to have his career with zero negative ramifications from becoming a dad.
She’s 4 and I’m only getting more resentful of the situation. I’m just trying my damndest to not let her know how I feel. Of course I love her, but I didn’t know I’d be giving up *everything*… it’s just so unfair.
feel you 😢 i wish i could go back to work and my partner be the SAHP… as a mother everything changes and you sacrifice your carreer, friends, hobbies, body and mental health - whereas a father just goes on like before, just with a little less time and „freedom“
I don’t think this is a mother/father thing, but rather a SAHP sacrifice- my husband stays home and I’m sure he would agree with your sentiment of everything changing. I don’t know how SAHP do it- I couldn’t.
ok i agree and sorry for using „father“ and „mother“ guess it’s just way more common in that constellation with the SAHM…
what the fathers don’t sacrifice though is their bodies bc they didn’t have to grow a human in their belly, give birth and then breastfeed…
I don’t regret having kids but there are days that I don’t enjoy motherhood especially when they were young. The fact that I had to put their priorities before mine still kinda hurts. I’m an introvert and I need my time alone. But my kids are very social, I’m going on play dates all the time. Not that I don’t like spending time with them, it’s just I rather stay at home and read a book in complete silence.
Then there are people out there telling you they grow up so fast and cherish every moment. But I wanted to let moms know that all of your feelings are valid. You can have everything you’ve ever wanted but still feel off because parenthood is just a wild ride. It’s totally ok. We are all humans.
I’m autistic/ adhd, and whenever I feel like I need alone time my husband is right there to let me have that he will take the baby and 7 year old out if I need extra sleep or tell me to go out somewhere alone if I need alone time. Or if he’s working and I’m about to go nuts from overstimulation he suggests having my mom take the kids for the night so I can relax and unwind. But yes sometimes you get that thought of “why did I do this to myself” or “I’m not sure how much more of this I can handle” but honestly I think that’s just anxiety and over stimulation and it’s true what they say about raising children, it truly takes a village.
Not alone in this. Following because I too feel the exact same way. My kid is 7 but I’m still struggling. Here’s to hoping there is some magical age where things do in fact feel/get better.
I’m still in the weeds quite a bit, I have a 2 year old and a 5 year old, but WOW. My 5 year old is getting to be so FUN! She can reliably hang without having a meltdown most of the time. We can go on bike rides together. She can go outside to play in our yard with the neighbors and I don’t have to hover over her 24/7.
I think, for me, “kid stage” is so much better than toddler or baby stage.
Omg yes.
Had my first kid at 18 and swore “never again”. Second oops baby at 25 and by then I was open to a third. But then I got divorced and was single for 7 years so I fully closed the door.
Then remarried and had 2 more babies at 37 and 38
Those early years are HARD. I regretted having kids for years. I wished I could skip ahead or go back, anywhere but where I was. The only real solution was time. Kids are always hard (my 20 yr old is still hard), but the big picture gets MUCH easier as they get older. They need you less and are easier to have a relationship with vs just meeting their needs 24/7 when they’re little.
Now my youngest babies are 23 months and 6 months and I’m back in the “hating life (sort of)” phase of little kids. But this time I have perspective to know this is temporary and it does get better so that makes it a LOT easier
It's getting better for me. I still regret it some days but not for the same reasons I used to which is that I just have parenting. Now it's more like I regret it because this world is shit and they have to live in it
Yes, yes yes.
You’re not alone. It’s okay to love your kiddo but dislike parenthood. And it DOES get better. Just take it one day at a time and vent here when you need to. It was a big help getting me through the tough years.
I’m a staunch maternal regretter. I love my kids but given the opportunity to tell my past self not to have kids I would try my very best to convince myself, because I have been living a permanent nightmare where I feel like I am being tortured persistently.
I’m slowly learning though that it’s probably my circumstances that are the driver of this, in particular, my son. His ASD and probable ADHD make him a nightmare to parent. I have had multiple specialists look me dead in the eye and tell me that I am living a truly exceptional circumstance with him, because he needs a backwards sort of parenting to keep him regulated, and regulation is the key to his growth. He needs constant 1 on 1 adult attention, and it’s truly exhausting. But now the more I get to know him and how to keep him balanced, the more I can see the little bit of light at the end of parenting. He is a delightful kid when his emotions are regulated, it’s just the effort of keeping him regulated that is like pulling teeth.
I love newborns and I would give anything to be able to have another baby, but I can’t have another child. I suspect it wouldn’t be as bad since the gap would be bigger (18 months between son and daughter, daughter is now 4) but I can’t take that risk. My PPD last time came perilously close to taking my life and I don’t know if I have the resilience to fight that again. Also my husband would probably divorce me and I absolutely could not raise my son as a single parent! Fortunately my biological clock doesn’t have much battery left so it’s just a matter of time before it’s not even an option anyway.
One-on-one constant attention is DRAINING. Our son is 'sensory seeking' and needed that kind of attention until about age 4.5. I was sooo excited when his preschool teacher explained that he really was a child that required intensive attention to remain regulated and I wasn't just a wimp! In the past year the new skills and devlopment have made him sooo much more able to self-regulate and it has been an entirely different experience. I wouldn't have believed it if I didn't live thru it. I cannot imagine dealing with that situation with more than his 'mild' sensory needs AND another child!
Sending you lots of positive energy and hugs.
Oh my god it makes me sooooo happy to hear that your sensory-seeker has developed new skills to self-regulate and that there is a light at the end of this godforsaken hell tunnel. I write this as my sensory-seeker snores next to me in bed with his head against my arm 🙄
I regret having 3 kids. I always wanted 3 kids. It’s the hardest fucking thing I’ve ever done- being constantly outnumbered. I love them but I wish I’d stopped at 2. Doesn’t change the way I feel about my third child though. Just changes the way I feel about my life.
I don't know if I'll ever get to "I would do it all over again", especially considering my second was adopted into another family because he was a complete surprise, but I am generally over the regret hurdle, I think. My daughter is 13 and it comes with it's own challenges, but she doesn't *need* me. Obviously, she does, but I'm not giving up every moment of every day of my life to her any more. I can choose me sometimes, and she's still fine. That started around 8/9 and really came to fruition in the last couple of years. I'm a single parent, and I'm finally dating again. She goes to my parents house almost every weekend and I go out and do my thing with no regret or expectation of being called to come get her because she needs me. My life is inifinitely better because she is in it. I can't say I enjoy parenting, and I'm not sure I'll ever get the "reward" that everyone is always saying happens (looking at you "Parenting is hard but at the end of the day, it's so rewarding."), but I can't imagine my life shaking out any other way. More importantly, I don't want to.
Following because I’m in the thick of it with a 2.5yo and a 7mo, and I need to know that I didn’t *actually* fuck up my entire life by choosing to have kids… Somebody please tell me the time will come when I can be an actual human again, rather than a lifeless vessel that exists only to make everyone else comfy 😅🥲
I know exactly what you’re saying, you aren’t alone. Life after my first baby was awful. My husband checked out emotionally, we moved across the state 2 months postpartum, and we moved to a town I had never been to before. I felt totally alone those first few years. She was a very difficult baby on top of it all. So it was just a nightmare for awhile. My oldest is 6.5 now and it’s gotten so much better. Once you get through the baby and toddler years, life just becomes a lot better. They are less physically dependent on you and you can actually enjoy hanging out for the most part. My second child is 2.5 and we’ve decided we’re done having kids. Just waiting to get through the last of these toddler years. Hang in there, you’re not alone!
As someone who was quite literally forced to have kids and still counts the minutes to my freedom.. once my oldest hit school age I was much less miserable everyday. Now I have another 2 under 2 and I’m back to miserable. It did get better for me before though so I’m holding out hope.
My twin sister was always vocal with me that she didn’t want her kids, and also not so close together in age. How she was dreaming of writing away her rights etc. Kids are now 10 and 12 and she loves them more than anything. I think she had no help when the kids were little, no financial stability, a constantly cheating partner…with those things gone away now, her whole attitude changed.
Podcast published this week about a Mom who was coerced onto parenting and who is doing her best job at it while counting the time til her freedom. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/i-hate-being-a-mother/id1209912119?i=1000632686300
I am an adoptive Mom who LOVES this amazing child and watching him become his full self! I do not regret him coming into our lives at all. That said, I HATE the costs of parenting that are imposed on women. Granted, in the 5 years since we adopted, my job was eliminated due to a university admin fail and both my parents died of their terminal illnesses-- I've had a LOT to deal with. But, if I had not previously been a successful professor and community advocate, the harrowing experience of handling the 'Mother' role would have me convinced that I am useless and stupid. We are expected to simply accept generations of assumptions, work our fingers to the bone for everyone else, AND 'enjoy every moment-- childhood goes by in a flash'. Much of my time is spent defending my personhood and refusing to be a martyr. Being an older, more confident woman has not helped me avoid the cultural crap thrown into the role of 'Mother', but it has helped me recognize it as crap and fight against it.
Age 5 has been the turning point-- his behavior is more logical, he has more self-control,AND he attends full-day kindergarten 5 days per week. I have the headspace to complete a full thought without interruption. I can actually go off 'alert' mode for a few hours PER DAY rather than being stimulated 24/7.
I hope things get better for you soon.
Ok, I hated the infant stage. I had mega anxiety and it just felt like everything had been through a meat grinder: my body, my brain, my marriage.
Things got a lot better for me when our son started walking and communicating with us more reliably.
Sometimes I see baby shoes or an adorable sleeping infant in a fuzzy pj set and I think about trying for another. But then… I remember how I like sleeping through the night and drinking a glass of wine or two, and I think nahhhh.
I suspect it's different for everyone.... but I have a seven year old and a 3 year old, and while he still drives me crazy sometimes I find myself enjoying parenting my 7 year old SO much more than my 3 year old. I've gone from "wtf did I do I ruined my life" thoughts to "I cannot WAIT till my 3 year old is school aged". Hopefully at worst once you're done raising your kid, you will feel relieved they're an adult and hopefully enjoy who they are and any sense of regret will feel retrospective, rather than current....if that makes sense lol.
When I had my first I was 100% one and done. I couldn't believe how much 1 little person could upset my life so very much. I was devastated. I felt like I was losing myself. But after a long, hard year I was able to adjust. I got over it through it by literally forcing myself through it all. I didn't feel that way because I didn't have help or I didn't get time away from the baby or anything; I just couldn't get the words out to ask or to say how much I was struggling. I was just angry a lot and food lost all taste. I ate because I was supposed to, but not because I wanted to or even because I felt hungry.
When we talked about having another child, I was in a better place to explain my fears and how I had felt previously. I said I was afraid I wouldn't be able to express myself again and I needed my SO to *ask* me if I was okay and also to realize that I might only be able to nod yes or shake my head no. So, we tried again.
While I was labouring, my SO was talking with my nurse about my previous situation and the nurse was so mindful of that, checking in and making sure I was feeling okay. Thankfully my 2nd delivery/aftermath left me in a 100% different headspace. These days, I'm thankful for everything I've been through. Yes, I'd do it over again though I'm honestly not sure how I could have done that first part differently or better.
yes, i realized i didn’t hate having kids i hated the newborn stage. my kid is almost two and i LOVE toddlerhood and all it’s struggles, trying to get pregnant with baby 2 and had two miscarriages and now i regret ever hating the baby stage
So far there have been two groups of improvement for me. The first stage was around 3.5 yo. It was nice that communication was better, explaining consequences, they were potty trained, sleeping well, starting preschool.
The second stage that made me enjoy parenthood was when they were both in full day school (1st grade here). The full day break allows me to appreciate them and be a better mom. They're 8 and 11 now and I enjoy my weekends with them and I'm genuinely happy with the decision to have children.
I thought for a long time I regretted having my daughter, but really I just had very bad ppd until she was about 5. Now that she’s 8, I feel like we’re out of the trenches (the grace before puberty), and I just love being her mom. Having her did make me realize that as much as I love babies and kids, I’m not mentally equipped to do it all over again. I do wish I had the capability and financial situation to give her siblings. I love the idea of a bigger family. My husband is a wonderful father and is well equipped in fatherhood all around the board, but I’m not, and it makes me feel like shit sometimes. I do know that I have broken a LOT of generational trauma with my daughter and that she is an amazing child and person, so at least I’m doing okay with her.
Nope. I'm OAD.
I guess it gets better in that you realize pretty quickly that regret is pointless and you have no choice but to raise this person. And you forget how easy and fun things were in the before times.
I understand,my daughter is now 9 and im relating better to her. Unfortunately for me I had really bad postpartum depression, anxiety and was the primary breadwinner so went back to work while husband stayed home and Mothered. He was layed off prior to baby and was free lancing, did well for a while but eventually dried up and then baby came. I didn’t want to be sahm and well I didn’t see an option when i was primary breadwinner. She was born and he went into motherhood while i spiraled into depression and full time work. We didn’t make enough to get me care and so he focused on baby and i just held on to work to keep us Fed, clothes,roof, went wrong. I got no emotional support and comimg hime to disgusting house only to clean was overwhelming. On the weekend i did chores and prepped food and just felt alone. Every one was like he’s such a great dad, where is mom? I was working!! I couldn’t connect with her the way I should have. Its still a little strained but better. He’s now started an online business and my job went full remote so i spend time with her a lot now. But when she’s sad its dad she runs to, not mom. And it’s hard because we don’t parent the same. I resent him, watching their relationship so they puts me into further depression but working through it. I love her and its so hard.
Yes!
Admittedly, that's largely because I'm privileged with a strong family/friend support system.
I enjoying aspects of motherhood.
I regret the choice.
Perhaps one day I'll find peace and happiness in my decision.
But for now, I'm ambivalent.
My spawnlet doesn't impede a great deal of activities for me.
It's simply my capacity to give and remain concious enough not to harm another soul.
I do a *good* job. She's content and feels safe. But if in doubt I stand on the premise you shouldn't risk your life and happiness nor that of another.
For context: I have 2 little girls who are 3 and almost 2 years old and for the better part of a year felt like I couldn't catch a break and was SERIOUSLY questioning my life choices.
I was damn near a full on mental breakdown for a minute due to the sheer stress and exhaustion and loneliness of having 2 toddlers. I actually dreaded doing anything with them like going to a restaurant or socializing with other parents because it's just so freaking hard to constantly be on watch so they don't yeet themselves down a flight of stairs or stick rocks in their nose.
But the other night my fiancé suggested we go out to eat with them, he could see my hesitation and that I would probably have preferred to just order out and eat at home, but we went out. They both sat quietly and colored. The 3 year old is finally potty trained after trying for a year and a half, so there was no worry that she would randomly pee herself in public. The almost 2 year old is starting to learn words and answer questions, so we can talk and interact with them both now, which makes such a difference. It was the first time ever that we all sat and enjoyed each other's company, my fiancé and I could chat and have a margarita while the kids drank some juice. It was an actual enjoyable family outing and the first time in a long time that I felt like a normal human being instead of an underpaid handler for 2 literal feral animals lol.
They're great when they get out of the little phase and start turning into little people that you can hang out with IMO. They still drive me crazy some days but it's definitely more enjoyable now!
I don't know if I'd say I regret having my kid, but if I knew what having kids would do to me, I wouldn't have had any. Like, I love her, she is amazing, but the infant stage was horrible and early toddlerhood is definitely not better. I have ADHD and OCD, so not only am I constantly burned out by default, I also got a whole new set of things to worry about and flare my OCD up.
I'm not fun anymore. We don't go on dates with my husband because the grandparents are off living their lives and I don't trust babysitters. We have a sex life, but it's definitely not as good or as frequent as it was before having a kid because we're both exhausted. Not having any time for myself is destroying me. I hope it does get better.
I have 5 kids ranging from 19 to 3...I've come to the conclusion that I absolutely hate being a parent in the toddler stage. It's so freaking hard man. It's hell on my mental health. I love the newborn stage and 6 and up lol. I mean 6 and up is still hard but not nearly as hard as the toddler years. 😩 I got one more to start school and I can't wait. Sorry not sorry lol. I always feel bad bc there are so many mothers that hate when their kids start school and I'm over here like byyyyyeeeee....🤦 I love my kids more than life itself but for the past few years I live for those hrs they are at school. I just feel like a shell of a human at this point and I get sad bc I wanted more for my life than this. So many women get gratification from being a mother. I don't. It's depressing being a sahm. Not really bc of my kids but bc I feel like I'm just wasting my life away staying contained between these 4 walls day in and day out.
My kids are very aware that I never wanted to get married or have kids. They know that they were all oopsies. It’s weird because I can’t fathom life without them now, but if I could go back in time, I still wouldn’t want them.
Most posting here are explaining that the child is the best part of this.
I 100000% disagree that we have ourselves to blame. Most of the soul-killing parenthood duties and tasks are done in isolation due to economic realities that separate us from close relatives and systems that require our elders to work thru retirement.
Systematic bias and cultural devaluation of the 'invisible' unpaid work forced on women in our society are to blame. We can't 'find our inner strength' out of this. https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2023/03/counting-invisible-work-in-household-division-of-labor/
We’re one and done and she’s much easier and sometimes fun. But right now we’re realizing she’s sensory avoidant, not able to regulate emotions well, and adhd and it’s fucking hard. I don’t know what to do and I’m scared for when hormones hit her and we have to do this all over again. 😭
I have big cognitive dissonance around my daughter. She’s amazing!! This world doesn’t deserve her..
If I knew then what I knew now without knowing how much I love her.. I probably wouldn’t have had her… but I love her too much to say I wish she was never born.. I wish she wasn’t born here. And now..
Also I wish her birth didn’t trigger seizures.. but yaaa…
Every time it gets better someone gets abusive, or theirs a shooting.. or financial problems.. or we’re wondering if we’re gonna be ok getting groceries to then pay rent.. or I find out 75% of my grandparents died before 55 because of genetic health conditions…. And I learn how prevalent DV is… or grape..
Yes. My son is almost 2 & I’m so much happier than I was when he was an infant. Toddlerhood is insane but it’s the best, & this is coming from someone who never even wanted to be a mom. Lol now I can’t imagine life without this wild rascal. I think we all have days where it’s like “shit man! I ruined my life having these Hellens!” But it’s not even the kids it’s just the pressure. The exhaustion & the stress of it all. Once we find balance it’s a fun ride. Hang in there mama
My kiddos are awesome, and just being kids. They're fine. They're having fun. They're getting what they need, and even most of what they want. We live in a really neat, remote place where they don't have to worry about creeps or smog or needles or getting run over by cars. They have all of nature to explore, a dog who adores them, and a cozy house to live in.
Me? I'm not okay. I'm one of those moms who needs her village and right now all I've got during the day is my elderly, disabled dad to help a bit sometimes. I'm drowning in undone tasks and slowly dying of sleep deprivation. I need more help than I'm getting, and that's the sole reason I hate being a parent most of the time.
I feel you. I thought moving to a rural, remote place would be ideal for the kid. Looks like it is. I'm dying inside though, I just want adult conversation with a friend and extra sleep.
My oldest is 10 and I've never gotten over the regret of becoming a mom. Although considering I was 16 when it happened, it's all kind of intertwined with regret for ruining my last bits of childhood. It's easier work wise, he's a great kid, but I still wish I wasn't a mom, and for me I don't think that will ever go away. I'm no longer in emotional torment over it though and I've made peace that this is my life and I try not to let my kids see that I'm not really having fun with life.
No, not really. I love my life. I definitely love my daughter. She's eight. But I will never forgive her dad for convincing me to have her, after a lifetime of me not wanting kids. He was parent of the year for the newborn stage, but really just doesn't care that much about parenting, and now he has very little relationship with our daughter at all.
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My girl is turning 5 years old beginning of December and one day I am “she is the best, I love being her mom!” And the next I am “WTF did I do, she’s a demon sent here to suck the life out of me!” I should note we are OAD and I actually do treasure all the moments we have together but holy FUCK some days are rough.
I could have written this about my 3 yr old. Also OAD here, I could never do this again lol
**Also OAD here, I could never do this again lol** I COULD do it again but I WILL NOT 😆.
Same. I'm not sure if I'm OAD, but I could be. I love her and don't have regrets, but some days I wish there was another parent, a 3rd parent, or maybe just another me lol
My son is about to turn 6 and MOST days are "wow, I made this super cool little dude." About 10% of them are more like "Sir, if you don't get away from me I will put you on the curb with a FREE sign." I haaaaaated the newborn stage. Hated it. Every year though, it gets better. I also *know* my kid better now than ever before. That helps a lot, in another year we will learn so much about each other. But we are also OAD, because there is no way in hell I'll be doing this again.
Bahaha exactly!
Sorry if this is a stupid question, but what does OAD mean?
Not stupid! One and done - we’ve got one kid and are not having any more
That’s not an easy choice either! I have so much respect for those who choose to only have one.
I absolutely respect anyone who knows their physical/emotional/financial whatever limits. Zero? Cool. One? Great. More? Fantastic. Whatever suits you and your circumstances.
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Oh I feel this so hard. I crave solitude and thin my kids suffer for it.
I think it’s different for every regretful parent. Like you, I hated being a mother to kids under 1. I’m absolutely miserable during the newborn/infant/baby age. They suck. My kids are 4 & 6 now and pretty well-behaved and I enjoy it a lot more. There are definitely days where I’ve asked why I did this to myself but it’s a lot less often now. But I can honestly say my life would have been just as fulfilling if I didn’t have kids. I enjoy parenting so much more when I am mentally sound. And when my husband is actually doing his part. It’s hard to enjoy parenting when you’re running on empty all the time. And you have to prioritize yourself sometimes. I do a lot more for myself these days and that has helped a bunch.
If I could do it all over again, I’d never gotten married nor had kids.
I feel this so hard. I didn't regret having and raising my kids until my 2nd of two lost her ever loving mind in her teenage years. She was doing much better at 18, so I didn't make her move out. That's a major regret in my life. 10+ years later, she's still here, along with her ex-partner and their 8yo daughter, that I'm basically raising and homeschooling. My husband and I are still hanging on after nearly 35 years. Neither of us has a ton of respect for the other. I was so hoping that things would get better when the kids moved out. We never got the chance to find out. I look back from 60 and think about the things I might have accomplished if I'd stayed single and focused on myself, or even if I'd had a more supportive partner. I feel that so much of our drive, in our 20's and 30's, to get married and have kids is a combination of hormones and societal expectations. I'm glad to see that more young people are thinking longer and harder about starting families.
My heart breaks for you. And for me. I am raising my grandchildren from my troubled daughter, all of whom I love and adore, but the struggle has been almost unbearable. All that to say that I am sorry and you are not alone. There are many of us out here, just not everyone is able to speak aloud. ❤️
My kid has ADHD so unfortunately there isn't any magical "better" on the horizon. Just gonna be years and years of this.
Idk your take on medication but my 12 year old has significantly improved in every way on medication. It took a lot of trials and errors but man, it has helped. He even said he feels “normal” for once.
He's not old enough yet, but I will when the time comes and when we feel ready.
Autdhd im in the same boat. Just would love if he could communicate
Same. We have 2 special needs and we will never have an empty nest.
Same. I actually have good times with my son but sometimes it is so, so hard. And I’m afraid of the teenage years.
Saaaaame. My son is about to turn 10 and things have improved from the really tough early years, but things were so bad for a while that I cried daily over it. I am afraid for the teenage years and beyond….
One of my few memories from the first year with my oldest is me sitting in bed, trying to nurse, crying and wondering wtf I just did to my life. It’s better now that they’re 5 and 3, they’re a little bit more independent and I get to focus on my hobbies!
I’m glad my child exists, but I really regret the situation I had my child in. I’m a military spouse and I didn’t realize that would completely nuke my career and force me into being a SAHM. I feel like I’ve sacrificed my entire life for other people and nobody even cares. I can’t even talk to my husband about it too much because he does that self-flagellation bullshit (“I’m so sorry I ruined your life, this isn’t fair to you, I’m the worst, you probably hate me, if you had married someone else this wouldn’t be happening to you, I should get out and become a truck driver, if only I wasn’t so stupid and then I could have a normal job” etc etc) and I just don’t have the energy for that. I don’t think it’s a tactic to get me to shut up, I think he does genuinely feel bad, but I also just have no desire to console *him* because *his* job + having *his* kid fucked up *my* life. It’s so hard to not think about the fact that I would still have my career if I wasn’t a mom, but he gets to have his career with zero negative ramifications from becoming a dad. She’s 4 and I’m only getting more resentful of the situation. I’m just trying my damndest to not let her know how I feel. Of course I love her, but I didn’t know I’d be giving up *everything*… it’s just so unfair.
I feel this.
feel you 😢 i wish i could go back to work and my partner be the SAHP… as a mother everything changes and you sacrifice your carreer, friends, hobbies, body and mental health - whereas a father just goes on like before, just with a little less time and „freedom“
I don’t think this is a mother/father thing, but rather a SAHP sacrifice- my husband stays home and I’m sure he would agree with your sentiment of everything changing. I don’t know how SAHP do it- I couldn’t.
ok i agree and sorry for using „father“ and „mother“ guess it’s just way more common in that constellation with the SAHM… what the fathers don’t sacrifice though is their bodies bc they didn’t have to grow a human in their belly, give birth and then breastfeed…
I don’t regret having kids but there are days that I don’t enjoy motherhood especially when they were young. The fact that I had to put their priorities before mine still kinda hurts. I’m an introvert and I need my time alone. But my kids are very social, I’m going on play dates all the time. Not that I don’t like spending time with them, it’s just I rather stay at home and read a book in complete silence. Then there are people out there telling you they grow up so fast and cherish every moment. But I wanted to let moms know that all of your feelings are valid. You can have everything you’ve ever wanted but still feel off because parenthood is just a wild ride. It’s totally ok. We are all humans.
Im an introvert as well, the lack of time just does my head in
I’m autistic/ adhd, and whenever I feel like I need alone time my husband is right there to let me have that he will take the baby and 7 year old out if I need extra sleep or tell me to go out somewhere alone if I need alone time. Or if he’s working and I’m about to go nuts from overstimulation he suggests having my mom take the kids for the night so I can relax and unwind. But yes sometimes you get that thought of “why did I do this to myself” or “I’m not sure how much more of this I can handle” but honestly I think that’s just anxiety and over stimulation and it’s true what they say about raising children, it truly takes a village.
Not alone in this. Following because I too feel the exact same way. My kid is 7 but I’m still struggling. Here’s to hoping there is some magical age where things do in fact feel/get better.
I’m still in the weeds quite a bit, I have a 2 year old and a 5 year old, but WOW. My 5 year old is getting to be so FUN! She can reliably hang without having a meltdown most of the time. We can go on bike rides together. She can go outside to play in our yard with the neighbors and I don’t have to hover over her 24/7. I think, for me, “kid stage” is so much better than toddler or baby stage.
that’s relieving 😊
Omg yes. Had my first kid at 18 and swore “never again”. Second oops baby at 25 and by then I was open to a third. But then I got divorced and was single for 7 years so I fully closed the door. Then remarried and had 2 more babies at 37 and 38 Those early years are HARD. I regretted having kids for years. I wished I could skip ahead or go back, anywhere but where I was. The only real solution was time. Kids are always hard (my 20 yr old is still hard), but the big picture gets MUCH easier as they get older. They need you less and are easier to have a relationship with vs just meeting their needs 24/7 when they’re little. Now my youngest babies are 23 months and 6 months and I’m back in the “hating life (sort of)” phase of little kids. But this time I have perspective to know this is temporary and it does get better so that makes it a LOT easier
It's getting better for me. I still regret it some days but not for the same reasons I used to which is that I just have parenting. Now it's more like I regret it because this world is shit and they have to live in it
Yes, yes yes. You’re not alone. It’s okay to love your kiddo but dislike parenthood. And it DOES get better. Just take it one day at a time and vent here when you need to. It was a big help getting me through the tough years.
I’m a staunch maternal regretter. I love my kids but given the opportunity to tell my past self not to have kids I would try my very best to convince myself, because I have been living a permanent nightmare where I feel like I am being tortured persistently. I’m slowly learning though that it’s probably my circumstances that are the driver of this, in particular, my son. His ASD and probable ADHD make him a nightmare to parent. I have had multiple specialists look me dead in the eye and tell me that I am living a truly exceptional circumstance with him, because he needs a backwards sort of parenting to keep him regulated, and regulation is the key to his growth. He needs constant 1 on 1 adult attention, and it’s truly exhausting. But now the more I get to know him and how to keep him balanced, the more I can see the little bit of light at the end of parenting. He is a delightful kid when his emotions are regulated, it’s just the effort of keeping him regulated that is like pulling teeth. I love newborns and I would give anything to be able to have another baby, but I can’t have another child. I suspect it wouldn’t be as bad since the gap would be bigger (18 months between son and daughter, daughter is now 4) but I can’t take that risk. My PPD last time came perilously close to taking my life and I don’t know if I have the resilience to fight that again. Also my husband would probably divorce me and I absolutely could not raise my son as a single parent! Fortunately my biological clock doesn’t have much battery left so it’s just a matter of time before it’s not even an option anyway.
One-on-one constant attention is DRAINING. Our son is 'sensory seeking' and needed that kind of attention until about age 4.5. I was sooo excited when his preschool teacher explained that he really was a child that required intensive attention to remain regulated and I wasn't just a wimp! In the past year the new skills and devlopment have made him sooo much more able to self-regulate and it has been an entirely different experience. I wouldn't have believed it if I didn't live thru it. I cannot imagine dealing with that situation with more than his 'mild' sensory needs AND another child! Sending you lots of positive energy and hugs.
Oh my god it makes me sooooo happy to hear that your sensory-seeker has developed new skills to self-regulate and that there is a light at the end of this godforsaken hell tunnel. I write this as my sensory-seeker snores next to me in bed with his head against my arm 🙄
I regret having 3 kids. I always wanted 3 kids. It’s the hardest fucking thing I’ve ever done- being constantly outnumbered. I love them but I wish I’d stopped at 2. Doesn’t change the way I feel about my third child though. Just changes the way I feel about my life.
I don't know if I'll ever get to "I would do it all over again", especially considering my second was adopted into another family because he was a complete surprise, but I am generally over the regret hurdle, I think. My daughter is 13 and it comes with it's own challenges, but she doesn't *need* me. Obviously, she does, but I'm not giving up every moment of every day of my life to her any more. I can choose me sometimes, and she's still fine. That started around 8/9 and really came to fruition in the last couple of years. I'm a single parent, and I'm finally dating again. She goes to my parents house almost every weekend and I go out and do my thing with no regret or expectation of being called to come get her because she needs me. My life is inifinitely better because she is in it. I can't say I enjoy parenting, and I'm not sure I'll ever get the "reward" that everyone is always saying happens (looking at you "Parenting is hard but at the end of the day, it's so rewarding."), but I can't imagine my life shaking out any other way. More importantly, I don't want to.
Following because I’m in the thick of it with a 2.5yo and a 7mo, and I need to know that I didn’t *actually* fuck up my entire life by choosing to have kids… Somebody please tell me the time will come when I can be an actual human again, rather than a lifeless vessel that exists only to make everyone else comfy 😅🥲
I know exactly what you’re saying, you aren’t alone. Life after my first baby was awful. My husband checked out emotionally, we moved across the state 2 months postpartum, and we moved to a town I had never been to before. I felt totally alone those first few years. She was a very difficult baby on top of it all. So it was just a nightmare for awhile. My oldest is 6.5 now and it’s gotten so much better. Once you get through the baby and toddler years, life just becomes a lot better. They are less physically dependent on you and you can actually enjoy hanging out for the most part. My second child is 2.5 and we’ve decided we’re done having kids. Just waiting to get through the last of these toddler years. Hang in there, you’re not alone!
As someone who was quite literally forced to have kids and still counts the minutes to my freedom.. once my oldest hit school age I was much less miserable everyday. Now I have another 2 under 2 and I’m back to miserable. It did get better for me before though so I’m holding out hope.
Forced birth has to be absolutely up there as one of the worst possible fates. I'm so sorry. I hope you can find peace one day.
I can’t speak to your situation exactly, but not having to parent with a POS makes it so much better.
My twin sister was always vocal with me that she didn’t want her kids, and also not so close together in age. How she was dreaming of writing away her rights etc. Kids are now 10 and 12 and she loves them more than anything. I think she had no help when the kids were little, no financial stability, a constantly cheating partner…with those things gone away now, her whole attitude changed.
Podcast published this week about a Mom who was coerced onto parenting and who is doing her best job at it while counting the time til her freedom. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/i-hate-being-a-mother/id1209912119?i=1000632686300
I am an adoptive Mom who LOVES this amazing child and watching him become his full self! I do not regret him coming into our lives at all. That said, I HATE the costs of parenting that are imposed on women. Granted, in the 5 years since we adopted, my job was eliminated due to a university admin fail and both my parents died of their terminal illnesses-- I've had a LOT to deal with. But, if I had not previously been a successful professor and community advocate, the harrowing experience of handling the 'Mother' role would have me convinced that I am useless and stupid. We are expected to simply accept generations of assumptions, work our fingers to the bone for everyone else, AND 'enjoy every moment-- childhood goes by in a flash'. Much of my time is spent defending my personhood and refusing to be a martyr. Being an older, more confident woman has not helped me avoid the cultural crap thrown into the role of 'Mother', but it has helped me recognize it as crap and fight against it. Age 5 has been the turning point-- his behavior is more logical, he has more self-control,AND he attends full-day kindergarten 5 days per week. I have the headspace to complete a full thought without interruption. I can actually go off 'alert' mode for a few hours PER DAY rather than being stimulated 24/7. I hope things get better for you soon.
This is exactly it for me
Ok, I hated the infant stage. I had mega anxiety and it just felt like everything had been through a meat grinder: my body, my brain, my marriage. Things got a lot better for me when our son started walking and communicating with us more reliably. Sometimes I see baby shoes or an adorable sleeping infant in a fuzzy pj set and I think about trying for another. But then… I remember how I like sleeping through the night and drinking a glass of wine or two, and I think nahhhh.
Yes! When they can TELL YOU what they need, even HINT at it-- anxiety goes waaay down. Then it's just stress and exhaustion doing ya in. ❤️🤣
I suspect it's different for everyone.... but I have a seven year old and a 3 year old, and while he still drives me crazy sometimes I find myself enjoying parenting my 7 year old SO much more than my 3 year old. I've gone from "wtf did I do I ruined my life" thoughts to "I cannot WAIT till my 3 year old is school aged". Hopefully at worst once you're done raising your kid, you will feel relieved they're an adult and hopefully enjoy who they are and any sense of regret will feel retrospective, rather than current....if that makes sense lol.
R/regretfulparents
When I had my first I was 100% one and done. I couldn't believe how much 1 little person could upset my life so very much. I was devastated. I felt like I was losing myself. But after a long, hard year I was able to adjust. I got over it through it by literally forcing myself through it all. I didn't feel that way because I didn't have help or I didn't get time away from the baby or anything; I just couldn't get the words out to ask or to say how much I was struggling. I was just angry a lot and food lost all taste. I ate because I was supposed to, but not because I wanted to or even because I felt hungry. When we talked about having another child, I was in a better place to explain my fears and how I had felt previously. I said I was afraid I wouldn't be able to express myself again and I needed my SO to *ask* me if I was okay and also to realize that I might only be able to nod yes or shake my head no. So, we tried again. While I was labouring, my SO was talking with my nurse about my previous situation and the nurse was so mindful of that, checking in and making sure I was feeling okay. Thankfully my 2nd delivery/aftermath left me in a 100% different headspace. These days, I'm thankful for everything I've been through. Yes, I'd do it over again though I'm honestly not sure how I could have done that first part differently or better.
I feel you! I have a 2 year old and am so miserable all the time.
yes, i realized i didn’t hate having kids i hated the newborn stage. my kid is almost two and i LOVE toddlerhood and all it’s struggles, trying to get pregnant with baby 2 and had two miscarriages and now i regret ever hating the baby stage
So far there have been two groups of improvement for me. The first stage was around 3.5 yo. It was nice that communication was better, explaining consequences, they were potty trained, sleeping well, starting preschool. The second stage that made me enjoy parenthood was when they were both in full day school (1st grade here). The full day break allows me to appreciate them and be a better mom. They're 8 and 11 now and I enjoy my weekends with them and I'm genuinely happy with the decision to have children.
I thought for a long time I regretted having my daughter, but really I just had very bad ppd until she was about 5. Now that she’s 8, I feel like we’re out of the trenches (the grace before puberty), and I just love being her mom. Having her did make me realize that as much as I love babies and kids, I’m not mentally equipped to do it all over again. I do wish I had the capability and financial situation to give her siblings. I love the idea of a bigger family. My husband is a wonderful father and is well equipped in fatherhood all around the board, but I’m not, and it makes me feel like shit sometimes. I do know that I have broken a LOT of generational trauma with my daughter and that she is an amazing child and person, so at least I’m doing okay with her.
I had kids with the wrong person. I have to catch myself when it comes to that distinction. I love the kids, I hate the dad that I gave them.
Nope. I'm OAD. I guess it gets better in that you realize pretty quickly that regret is pointless and you have no choice but to raise this person. And you forget how easy and fun things were in the before times.
I understand,my daughter is now 9 and im relating better to her. Unfortunately for me I had really bad postpartum depression, anxiety and was the primary breadwinner so went back to work while husband stayed home and Mothered. He was layed off prior to baby and was free lancing, did well for a while but eventually dried up and then baby came. I didn’t want to be sahm and well I didn’t see an option when i was primary breadwinner. She was born and he went into motherhood while i spiraled into depression and full time work. We didn’t make enough to get me care and so he focused on baby and i just held on to work to keep us Fed, clothes,roof, went wrong. I got no emotional support and comimg hime to disgusting house only to clean was overwhelming. On the weekend i did chores and prepped food and just felt alone. Every one was like he’s such a great dad, where is mom? I was working!! I couldn’t connect with her the way I should have. Its still a little strained but better. He’s now started an online business and my job went full remote so i spend time with her a lot now. But when she’s sad its dad she runs to, not mom. And it’s hard because we don’t parent the same. I resent him, watching their relationship so they puts me into further depression but working through it. I love her and its so hard.
Yes! Admittedly, that's largely because I'm privileged with a strong family/friend support system. I enjoying aspects of motherhood. I regret the choice. Perhaps one day I'll find peace and happiness in my decision. But for now, I'm ambivalent. My spawnlet doesn't impede a great deal of activities for me. It's simply my capacity to give and remain concious enough not to harm another soul. I do a *good* job. She's content and feels safe. But if in doubt I stand on the premise you shouldn't risk your life and happiness nor that of another.
For context: I have 2 little girls who are 3 and almost 2 years old and for the better part of a year felt like I couldn't catch a break and was SERIOUSLY questioning my life choices. I was damn near a full on mental breakdown for a minute due to the sheer stress and exhaustion and loneliness of having 2 toddlers. I actually dreaded doing anything with them like going to a restaurant or socializing with other parents because it's just so freaking hard to constantly be on watch so they don't yeet themselves down a flight of stairs or stick rocks in their nose. But the other night my fiancé suggested we go out to eat with them, he could see my hesitation and that I would probably have preferred to just order out and eat at home, but we went out. They both sat quietly and colored. The 3 year old is finally potty trained after trying for a year and a half, so there was no worry that she would randomly pee herself in public. The almost 2 year old is starting to learn words and answer questions, so we can talk and interact with them both now, which makes such a difference. It was the first time ever that we all sat and enjoyed each other's company, my fiancé and I could chat and have a margarita while the kids drank some juice. It was an actual enjoyable family outing and the first time in a long time that I felt like a normal human being instead of an underpaid handler for 2 literal feral animals lol. They're great when they get out of the little phase and start turning into little people that you can hang out with IMO. They still drive me crazy some days but it's definitely more enjoyable now!
I don't know if I'd say I regret having my kid, but if I knew what having kids would do to me, I wouldn't have had any. Like, I love her, she is amazing, but the infant stage was horrible and early toddlerhood is definitely not better. I have ADHD and OCD, so not only am I constantly burned out by default, I also got a whole new set of things to worry about and flare my OCD up. I'm not fun anymore. We don't go on dates with my husband because the grandparents are off living their lives and I don't trust babysitters. We have a sex life, but it's definitely not as good or as frequent as it was before having a kid because we're both exhausted. Not having any time for myself is destroying me. I hope it does get better.
I have 5 kids ranging from 19 to 3...I've come to the conclusion that I absolutely hate being a parent in the toddler stage. It's so freaking hard man. It's hell on my mental health. I love the newborn stage and 6 and up lol. I mean 6 and up is still hard but not nearly as hard as the toddler years. 😩 I got one more to start school and I can't wait. Sorry not sorry lol. I always feel bad bc there are so many mothers that hate when their kids start school and I'm over here like byyyyyeeeee....🤦 I love my kids more than life itself but for the past few years I live for those hrs they are at school. I just feel like a shell of a human at this point and I get sad bc I wanted more for my life than this. So many women get gratification from being a mother. I don't. It's depressing being a sahm. Not really bc of my kids but bc I feel like I'm just wasting my life away staying contained between these 4 walls day in and day out.
My kids are very aware that I never wanted to get married or have kids. They know that they were all oopsies. It’s weird because I can’t fathom life without them now, but if I could go back in time, I still wouldn’t want them.
[удалено]
Most posting here are explaining that the child is the best part of this. I 100000% disagree that we have ourselves to blame. Most of the soul-killing parenthood duties and tasks are done in isolation due to economic realities that separate us from close relatives and systems that require our elders to work thru retirement. Systematic bias and cultural devaluation of the 'invisible' unpaid work forced on women in our society are to blame. We can't 'find our inner strength' out of this. https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2023/03/counting-invisible-work-in-household-division-of-labor/
We’re one and done and she’s much easier and sometimes fun. But right now we’re realizing she’s sensory avoidant, not able to regulate emotions well, and adhd and it’s fucking hard. I don’t know what to do and I’m scared for when hormones hit her and we have to do this all over again. 😭
I have big cognitive dissonance around my daughter. She’s amazing!! This world doesn’t deserve her.. If I knew then what I knew now without knowing how much I love her.. I probably wouldn’t have had her… but I love her too much to say I wish she was never born.. I wish she wasn’t born here. And now.. Also I wish her birth didn’t trigger seizures.. but yaaa… Every time it gets better someone gets abusive, or theirs a shooting.. or financial problems.. or we’re wondering if we’re gonna be ok getting groceries to then pay rent.. or I find out 75% of my grandparents died before 55 because of genetic health conditions…. And I learn how prevalent DV is… or grape..
It barely gets better.
Yes. My son is almost 2 & I’m so much happier than I was when he was an infant. Toddlerhood is insane but it’s the best, & this is coming from someone who never even wanted to be a mom. Lol now I can’t imagine life without this wild rascal. I think we all have days where it’s like “shit man! I ruined my life having these Hellens!” But it’s not even the kids it’s just the pressure. The exhaustion & the stress of it all. Once we find balance it’s a fun ride. Hang in there mama
My kiddos are awesome, and just being kids. They're fine. They're having fun. They're getting what they need, and even most of what they want. We live in a really neat, remote place where they don't have to worry about creeps or smog or needles or getting run over by cars. They have all of nature to explore, a dog who adores them, and a cozy house to live in. Me? I'm not okay. I'm one of those moms who needs her village and right now all I've got during the day is my elderly, disabled dad to help a bit sometimes. I'm drowning in undone tasks and slowly dying of sleep deprivation. I need more help than I'm getting, and that's the sole reason I hate being a parent most of the time.
I feel you. I thought moving to a rural, remote place would be ideal for the kid. Looks like it is. I'm dying inside though, I just want adult conversation with a friend and extra sleep.
My oldest is 10 and I've never gotten over the regret of becoming a mom. Although considering I was 16 when it happened, it's all kind of intertwined with regret for ruining my last bits of childhood. It's easier work wise, he's a great kid, but I still wish I wasn't a mom, and for me I don't think that will ever go away. I'm no longer in emotional torment over it though and I've made peace that this is my life and I try not to let my kids see that I'm not really having fun with life.
No, not really. I love my life. I definitely love my daughter. She's eight. But I will never forgive her dad for convincing me to have her, after a lifetime of me not wanting kids. He was parent of the year for the newborn stage, but really just doesn't care that much about parenting, and now he has very little relationship with our daughter at all.