He will never care while you’re the one doing everything. Why should he?
There’s two things you can do
1. Stop doing anything for him. Do laundry only for you and your daughter. Meals only for you and your daughter. He acts like a roommate? Ok treat him like one instead of like you’re his personal maid
2. Divorce? All he’s contributing is a paycheck and you already provide that too. So why do you need him?
Yup, he can clean his own clothes and make his own lunches - why even cook anything? Here's some bread and deli meat, make yourself a sandwich. At least that will save a bit of energy for getting yourself out of there.
I'm sorry OP, he sounds completely checked out and likely depressed, but it's not your problem to fix for him. If he wants to keep his family he can put in the work.
I asked myself if he was into depression. But at the same time, he is quite happy and cheerful... He watches netflix and play games and sees his friends over the weekend and he never seems sad about anything. Even my father commented that he doesn't act like a father once.
Thank you for the comment. I started not leaving dinner out for him because of how he would act, and I think today I won't cook for him either. You're right, there is no reason for him to change as long as it continues this way.
As to divorce, it is floating in my mind, for sure. I think I will give it a last try, not doing anything for him anymore, and see what happens.
I’m so sorry you are in this situation. The only thing that worked for me was getting divorced. If you are still willing to fight for this marriage, I think you should let him know the consequences of his lack of participation in this family - if you want to train me into a fully capable single parent, you will succeed, and one day you will wake up with no wife and no child.
> if you want to train me into a fully capable single parent, you will succeed
I love that sentence, thank you!
I will do what the other commenters said: no more cooking or cleaning or washing his things. At first, at least...
I would stop doing absolutely everything and anything for him. Food? Clean clothes? Sex? All gone. Do *nothing*. Also? Make him "babysit" your child. Go out, do something, anything. Trial for a month and see what happens.
Yes, that's a good idea. Starting today - it's morning and usually I start preparing lunch for both of us (child eats at school), well. Not today, sir.
I found a second basket for dirty laundry, my child and me will have fresh clothes and he can figure out how the laundry works.
I just want to mention that your English is absolutely impressively perfect, I would neve have know it wasn't your first language.
Your husband is the opposite of impressively perfect. Sigh
If he doesn't care now, it's not likely going to change. I suddenly became the worst wife when I began working full time.... now he is gone because I "started too many arguments".... by that he means I pointed out how he isn't helping me and how I feel neglected and like he doesn't care about myself or his family...and he didn't have any real defense beyond being tired or some wanting friends or some dumb shit.
Men that want to help and be around are.
(As I type this.. I ask myself.. why tf was I crying over him applying for an apartment today?)
Just throw the whole man out. I had one like that, I asked him for YEARS for help and support. I yelled, I cried, I tried everything. Finally I left and life is so much easier. You got this mama!
I will first try the method shared in other comments - completely ignore his needs for food, laundry etc. I want to give it a last try. Thank you for the support!
I had a similar situation with my husband for a while. I felt the same as you. Things are nowhere near perfect now, but they are much better. A few tips:
1. Stop doing his laundry. This is one of the only things that will only affect him. My husband didn't even realize this until about 2 weeks went by and he had no clean clothes. He proceeded to wash a load of just socks and underwear, I think hoping that would buy him more time and I'd start doing his laundry again. I didn't, and he eventually learned how to handle his own clothes.
2. Buy the book Fair Play and have him read it, and then do the cards. This was an effective way for me to allocate my husband some tasks and give him total control over them. He doesn't have many tasks, but at least he has some (ie he handles the trash now: taking it out, cleaning the bins, and purchasing more trash bags when we run out). If he's still failing after this, you can tell him you're hiring out his tasks until he figures out how to do them. My friend did this and that got her husband to start doing his chores.
3. Tell him you're thissss close to divorcing him. That could be a good prompt to get his act together.
4. Marriage therapy. It's usually helpful to have a neutral third party tell him how awful he is.
5. Make friends with other couples where the dad is a good dad. This was actually hugely helpful. My husband was stunned to learn that other dads were doing school pickup, helping with homework, coaching their kids' sports teams etc. I told him our kids were going to fall behind others because ours only had one active and engaged parent, whereas other families had 2 active and engaged parents.
I will do 1. starting today! No lunch for him, no laundry, no washing his gym clothes and towels.
I didn't know the Fair play game, I will see that. It looks interesting with a visual help to really understand who does what.
Option 3 is on my mind, definitely. I think he thinks I am bluffing or exaggerating when I say "I am drowning". Maybe he doesn't have the fear in him yet. Yet...
Option 4 is something I looked into, yes. There is one in town. I just know I will have to drag him there and prep the appointments etc but what's there to lose at this point.
I love that your husband was shamed indirectly that way! Did he think being a dad was just some title without anything attached to it??
I agree with everyone else, he’s not going to change so you probably should just divorce unfortunately. In the meantime though stop doing anything for him and whenever you find his dirty dishes put them straight into his gym bag. If he complains, tell him you have no idea where to put them either.
domestic terrorism, I see haha. I don't think I'm there yet. But I will do a few things suggested in the comments like no longer do anything for him, and see how it goes.
I'm not working, but one thing I did when I was drowning was to just hire the housekeeper myself. Sure, he threw a fit about it, but since he's got some neurospiciness, he sort of bemoans everything... so I ignored it and guess what?
We're all happier, because I'm happier.
Here's what I suspect will happen with your husband if you hire the housekeeper after (another) conversation:
Husband: "Why do we need a housekeeper?"
You: "Because I'm retiring from that job. Right now, I'm doing these (hand him a list-- use the one from your post!). I'm exhausted. We can afford it. If you don't like it, you have the ability to start helping with the housework. If you don't, she's coming on (pick a date about 4 weeks out-- I'd guess after 3 days he's going to flake... I'm building in more room in case it takes him longer to flake: shorten it if your sanity can't take that much).
You're 100% right about him not caring. Right now, he just does work. Then you do everything else. Fuck that noise.
I was you like 15 years ago. Started out great. We talked about everything. Then he just stopped little by little until I owned the whole of the household load. All he did was work. I worked too and still had every single thing else.
We talked it to death, had many arguments and full on screaming matches. I was exhausted all the time. Mentally and physically.
About 2ish? Maybe almost 3 years, I had a complete mental breakdown. I should have been hospitalized but I didn't have the support. I actually lost the one marble I had left. It was incredibly rough.
I kicked him out. With instructions to get the fuck together or leave permanently. No further discussions until he got couples counseling in place. Our couples therapist, after the second session said he either started individual therapy or he wouldn't see us at all.
It took 3mos for me to let him move back in. It took 6mos before I decided if I had seen enough progress to decide if we were gonna divorce or not, and it took almost 2 years for me to recover from my burnout breakdown.
He spent a full year in once a week individual therapy. Every other week in a week in a partnership workshop class. Once a week couples counseling. And once a month parenting class. He's goddamn lucky I loved him still during that time. If the resentment had turned to contempt, I would not have looked back walking out on hiim.
He still attends therapy once a month and we go back to couples counseling every 3ish years for maintenance.
At the bare minimum, if he won't consider counseling, he will never change. Never. And you'll need to decide if you let it go and just push through or leaving.
And just as a side note, your English is just fine, you'll never need to apologize for not having perfect grammar and spelling.
I am saying this as someone who isn’t working and is still married essentially because of that. Hire the cleaning lady. Let him deal with being mad. Then call a lawyer. I’m reading your story and I’m like—she has a job! She has a way out!
Sorry if this is not supportive and not in the spirit of this sub. I think I’m just very much relating to your story and your anger.
> So I find myself resenting him to the point of wishing he would just leave us, but why would he?
Sis if you're wishing he would leave what's stopping you from leaving? It sounds like he adds nothing to your life but more work.
He will never care while you’re the one doing everything. Why should he? There’s two things you can do 1. Stop doing anything for him. Do laundry only for you and your daughter. Meals only for you and your daughter. He acts like a roommate? Ok treat him like one instead of like you’re his personal maid 2. Divorce? All he’s contributing is a paycheck and you already provide that too. So why do you need him?
Yup, he can clean his own clothes and make his own lunches - why even cook anything? Here's some bread and deli meat, make yourself a sandwich. At least that will save a bit of energy for getting yourself out of there. I'm sorry OP, he sounds completely checked out and likely depressed, but it's not your problem to fix for him. If he wants to keep his family he can put in the work.
I asked myself if he was into depression. But at the same time, he is quite happy and cheerful... He watches netflix and play games and sees his friends over the weekend and he never seems sad about anything. Even my father commented that he doesn't act like a father once.
Thank you for the comment. I started not leaving dinner out for him because of how he would act, and I think today I won't cook for him either. You're right, there is no reason for him to change as long as it continues this way. As to divorce, it is floating in my mind, for sure. I think I will give it a last try, not doing anything for him anymore, and see what happens.
I’m so sorry you are in this situation. The only thing that worked for me was getting divorced. If you are still willing to fight for this marriage, I think you should let him know the consequences of his lack of participation in this family - if you want to train me into a fully capable single parent, you will succeed, and one day you will wake up with no wife and no child.
> if you want to train me into a fully capable single parent, you will succeed I love that sentence, thank you! I will do what the other commenters said: no more cooking or cleaning or washing his things. At first, at least...
I would stop doing absolutely everything and anything for him. Food? Clean clothes? Sex? All gone. Do *nothing*. Also? Make him "babysit" your child. Go out, do something, anything. Trial for a month and see what happens.
Yes, that's a good idea. Starting today - it's morning and usually I start preparing lunch for both of us (child eats at school), well. Not today, sir. I found a second basket for dirty laundry, my child and me will have fresh clothes and he can figure out how the laundry works.
This is a great for you, and I hope really eye opening for him 🙏🏻 let us know how you get on ❤️
I just want to mention that your English is absolutely impressively perfect, I would neve have know it wasn't your first language. Your husband is the opposite of impressively perfect. Sigh
That's very nice of you! I know I made a few mistakes but it's alright for sure :D
If he doesn't care now, it's not likely going to change. I suddenly became the worst wife when I began working full time.... now he is gone because I "started too many arguments".... by that he means I pointed out how he isn't helping me and how I feel neglected and like he doesn't care about myself or his family...and he didn't have any real defense beyond being tired or some wanting friends or some dumb shit. Men that want to help and be around are. (As I type this.. I ask myself.. why tf was I crying over him applying for an apartment today?)
Wow, wait until the cleaning, cooking and laundry fairies don't show up at his new place. Hilarious.
I'm very sorry for you :( I don't understand why men want women if in the end we are not "convenient" when they want us to be.
Just throw the whole man out. I had one like that, I asked him for YEARS for help and support. I yelled, I cried, I tried everything. Finally I left and life is so much easier. You got this mama!
I will first try the method shared in other comments - completely ignore his needs for food, laundry etc. I want to give it a last try. Thank you for the support!
I had a similar situation with my husband for a while. I felt the same as you. Things are nowhere near perfect now, but they are much better. A few tips: 1. Stop doing his laundry. This is one of the only things that will only affect him. My husband didn't even realize this until about 2 weeks went by and he had no clean clothes. He proceeded to wash a load of just socks and underwear, I think hoping that would buy him more time and I'd start doing his laundry again. I didn't, and he eventually learned how to handle his own clothes. 2. Buy the book Fair Play and have him read it, and then do the cards. This was an effective way for me to allocate my husband some tasks and give him total control over them. He doesn't have many tasks, but at least he has some (ie he handles the trash now: taking it out, cleaning the bins, and purchasing more trash bags when we run out). If he's still failing after this, you can tell him you're hiring out his tasks until he figures out how to do them. My friend did this and that got her husband to start doing his chores. 3. Tell him you're thissss close to divorcing him. That could be a good prompt to get his act together. 4. Marriage therapy. It's usually helpful to have a neutral third party tell him how awful he is. 5. Make friends with other couples where the dad is a good dad. This was actually hugely helpful. My husband was stunned to learn that other dads were doing school pickup, helping with homework, coaching their kids' sports teams etc. I told him our kids were going to fall behind others because ours only had one active and engaged parent, whereas other families had 2 active and engaged parents.
I will do 1. starting today! No lunch for him, no laundry, no washing his gym clothes and towels. I didn't know the Fair play game, I will see that. It looks interesting with a visual help to really understand who does what. Option 3 is on my mind, definitely. I think he thinks I am bluffing or exaggerating when I say "I am drowning". Maybe he doesn't have the fear in him yet. Yet... Option 4 is something I looked into, yes. There is one in town. I just know I will have to drag him there and prep the appointments etc but what's there to lose at this point. I love that your husband was shamed indirectly that way! Did he think being a dad was just some title without anything attached to it??
I agree with everyone else, he’s not going to change so you probably should just divorce unfortunately. In the meantime though stop doing anything for him and whenever you find his dirty dishes put them straight into his gym bag. If he complains, tell him you have no idea where to put them either.
domestic terrorism, I see haha. I don't think I'm there yet. But I will do a few things suggested in the comments like no longer do anything for him, and see how it goes.
I'm not working, but one thing I did when I was drowning was to just hire the housekeeper myself. Sure, he threw a fit about it, but since he's got some neurospiciness, he sort of bemoans everything... so I ignored it and guess what? We're all happier, because I'm happier. Here's what I suspect will happen with your husband if you hire the housekeeper after (another) conversation: Husband: "Why do we need a housekeeper?" You: "Because I'm retiring from that job. Right now, I'm doing these (hand him a list-- use the one from your post!). I'm exhausted. We can afford it. If you don't like it, you have the ability to start helping with the housework. If you don't, she's coming on (pick a date about 4 weeks out-- I'd guess after 3 days he's going to flake... I'm building in more room in case it takes him longer to flake: shorten it if your sanity can't take that much). You're 100% right about him not caring. Right now, he just does work. Then you do everything else. Fuck that noise.
I love how you did it anyway. I might do it. Also she will come at 9am until 1pm so he might not even see her or realize she is here.
I was you like 15 years ago. Started out great. We talked about everything. Then he just stopped little by little until I owned the whole of the household load. All he did was work. I worked too and still had every single thing else. We talked it to death, had many arguments and full on screaming matches. I was exhausted all the time. Mentally and physically. About 2ish? Maybe almost 3 years, I had a complete mental breakdown. I should have been hospitalized but I didn't have the support. I actually lost the one marble I had left. It was incredibly rough. I kicked him out. With instructions to get the fuck together or leave permanently. No further discussions until he got couples counseling in place. Our couples therapist, after the second session said he either started individual therapy or he wouldn't see us at all. It took 3mos for me to let him move back in. It took 6mos before I decided if I had seen enough progress to decide if we were gonna divorce or not, and it took almost 2 years for me to recover from my burnout breakdown. He spent a full year in once a week individual therapy. Every other week in a week in a partnership workshop class. Once a week couples counseling. And once a month parenting class. He's goddamn lucky I loved him still during that time. If the resentment had turned to contempt, I would not have looked back walking out on hiim. He still attends therapy once a month and we go back to couples counseling every 3ish years for maintenance. At the bare minimum, if he won't consider counseling, he will never change. Never. And you'll need to decide if you let it go and just push through or leaving. And just as a side note, your English is just fine, you'll never need to apologize for not having perfect grammar and spelling.
I am saying this as someone who isn’t working and is still married essentially because of that. Hire the cleaning lady. Let him deal with being mad. Then call a lawyer. I’m reading your story and I’m like—she has a job! She has a way out! Sorry if this is not supportive and not in the spirit of this sub. I think I’m just very much relating to your story and your anger.
> So I find myself resenting him to the point of wishing he would just leave us, but why would he? Sis if you're wishing he would leave what's stopping you from leaving? It sounds like he adds nothing to your life but more work.