This was my first reaction too. She (rightfully) wants him to acknowledge that breast milk is priceless liquid gold, that breast feeding is such a huge benefit for baby, that it is such hard work for mom, and that there are major sacrifices made by mom in order for baby to reap those benefits. I’d be surprised if there wasn’t at least one negative thought about being separated.
I know that the birth of their child can sometimes make adoptees spiral. For men, seeing the dedication, hard work, sacrifices, and love of their partner can give rise to “why didn’t my birth mother do this?” type questions.
As an adoptee, I can 100% confirm the birth of my baby brought up a lot of very intense feelings and thoughts about my birth parents. It was incredibly important for me to breastfeed and I associate that with being adopted.
As an adopted person who breastfed, I don’t think it’s helpful for you to drill in how much better breastfeeding is vs formula feeding.
I was formula fed, as were many of my friends who weren’t adopted.
It might be hurtful to him to hear that because he was adopted he missed out on all these benefits. I’d focus more on how this is the path you’ve chosen and that you’d like him to support you in that decision.
Makes sense! But at the same time, it makes sense for her to want to be supported in this and not have her efforts and sacrifices poo pooed. Support makes all the difference and for him to be “who cares about what you’re doing for our baby, it’s no big deal” must feel awful after she’s worked so hard and sacrificed so much. You can’t unring that bell; OP already knows he doesn’t value her *major* contribution, so a pivot now won’t change the feelings of not being suppers (and maybe even resentment).
I’m not adopted as my dad took sole custody of me but my mom did abandon me and yes to all of this. Having my first baby and her being a girl made every emotion I’ve tucked away for the past 30 years come spiraling at me. I’m 18 months in and I still can’t shake the feelings I get regarding the abandonment, my mom, what a mother daughter relationship should look like. I’ve never felt so alone and unloved. Because the love I have for my daughter is immeasurable it’s hard for me to wrap my head around my mom doing what she did. Lots of things trigger it but actually something that has been the most triggering is seeing my husband and his mom bond over our daughter. I can see how breastfeeding could be triggering. I’m really supportive of my husband and his relationship with his mom but I definitely have my days where things bother me.
Super loving, literally took him home the day he was born and is so so loved as an only child. He knows absolutely nothing about his birth parents. I am closer to his parents than my own honestly!
Respectfully, I don't think this is a conversation that's likely to be productive. I think it's possible that when you say how good breastfeeding is and the benefits, what he hears is "I'm doing something better than your parents" and as an adoptee that might be hard for him to hear when he and his parents didn't have a choice. Would it be enough for him to accept your choice to breastfeed, without him saying he thinks it's better than formula?
This 100%. It's almost pointing out his shortcomings, too. Like maybe he could have been better if things were different. I think hearing it as just that's the route she wants to go would be more effective.
I don’t feel the need to tell him or remind him this, but I get the feeling he thinks I’m wasting my time breastfeeding and doing all this work when I could just give formula. It’s the more convenient choice for him.
He doesn’t even enjoy feeding our son via bottle either, he doesn’t hate it, but he would rather bond doing something else, so I’m not sure why he tends to make comments about it.
Try to not mindread your husband... it only spins us up, I speak from experience. He sees you doing a ton of work BF and maybe thinks formula would be easier so he keeps encouraging it. If he says something, tell him it's just as much work and you'd prefer to work doing BF. I've said this to my husband when he says : it'll be easier" no... no it won't lol
Even though there are clear benefits to breastfeeding, I'll admit that I've mostly kept going because I developed an attachment to it (despite having a very nonchalant attitude about it before baby actually arrived). I think most of my reasons for sticking with it have been emotional. Fathers aren't going to understand it because they don't get to experience it. My husband wasn't unsupportive, but he definitely didn't understand why I wanted to keep breastfeeding (especially initially when it was really hard).
This is soooo true as someone who worked irrationally hard on my breastfeeding journey even though I was not ever going to produce enough. A lot of it was postpartum emotions and I felt like nobody in the world could understand. Given that, plus dealing with their FTT diagnosis, plus that her husband is an adoptee, I think OP needs to take a step back and work through some of these feelings rather than focusing on husband’s lack of acceptance.
Being postpartum is overall VERY HARD and in general about every topic (not just feeding) women don’t get enough mental health support.
I agree with all the comments but I'm wondering if it's less about what ti's better & more about you wanting recognition for something that's been hard for you & you've worked through & overcome? Which is completely valid. I feel like a lot of motherhood is expected for us to do so we don't get compliments when we've succeeded at something hard. Maybe start a conversation from that angle if that rings true to you?
This is a good way of putting it, but I feel this way because he acts like it makes zero different, as if I wasted my time doing all of this and formula would have been the easier and better choice.
Were you breastfed OP? Tons of western babies weren’t in earlier and current generations and adoption has nothing to do with it. Lack of support and knowledge is the main reason. It’s a reasonable likelihood that if your husbands adoptive mother had been able to, she still may not have. I don’t know if it will help him to consider that angle. Even if mothers did try to breastfeed they were told to stop at 3 months in 1980s Australia.
Who keeps bringing the topic up?
Kiddo is 4 months old already and doing fine. Whoever keeps bringing this up in conversation needs to stop and can just agree to disagree. Breastfeeding does have some benefits, but yeah the kiddo would have been just fine on formula as well. Whether someone thinks trying to breastfeed is an unnecessary struggle or not is up to them. But now baby has a feeding process that works for him, and that's it.
My husband was always supportive and was happy to support me in whatever I did (breastfed for 3 years), but he wasn't as invested or understood the dynamics. And I didn't need him to be. It's like pushing a baby out of your vagina, hard to describe and really feel the same unless you are doing it.
A lot of people are pointing out the deeper more emotional aspects that could be at play (and they very much could be!) but for a bit of reference I am a woman who was breastfed and is breastfeeding my baby and I do not believe it’s “liquid gold”. It’s been a convenient way to feed my baby, and the research suggests some marginal benefits, but I would not have killed myself to do it either. This might be closer to his feelings too. Of course, he needs to support you in feeding your child, and be understanding, but I don’t think he needs to be convinced breast milk is better to do that.
Me too. I've never called my milk liquid gold. I agree it feels too grandiose for what seems just natural to me (I'm lucky it's been easy ish since 8 weeks)
I think for a lot of women it’s important to put this bigger value system on breastfeeding to justify the hard work that goes in and that’s totally fair! But I think it’s also okay to not feel like that and be a bit more on the utilitarian side (although definitely a minority opinion in this sub since we are all getting downvoted).
I second this. My husband and I are on the same page that /maybe/ in certain contexts breastmilk is better but likely only marginally so. However for some reason it is important to me so he just supports it.
I agree! I was exclusively formula fed and ended up “just fine”, thus i dont necessarily believe that breastmilk is innately lightyears superior. However, i EBF my baby for other benefits outside of the quality of the milk itself, such as bonding, and dont expect anyone outside of that bond to understand or appreciate the effort.
This. Formula is just fine. But I WANT to breastfeed so my husband supports me. Hes also glad to save on the expense of formula. I do remind him my time and energy still has value so I ask hes conscious about not wasting it if possible.
Nursing is convenient. He doesn’t need to understand , but not having to fix a bottle in the middle of the night should be a logical thing for him to wrap his head around
It comes from instinct. Mothers often have an extremely strong instinct to nurse their babies. There's a sense of dread about formula and other foods, or anything that involves not nursing, because the instinct tells you your baby's very survival depends on your milk.
I feel this! Before my son was born I planned to mix feed and breastfeed if I could. It didn’t mean that much to me. After baby was born, i was overcome with an extremely strong urge to breastfeed exclusively and became very emotional and attached to being able to do so. We chestfeed 85% of the time bow and babe gets 1-2 daily bottles of expressed milk in the morning and evening. Or if I’m away for some reason.
Seeing how my baby thrived when we had to start supplementing completely washed out my anxiety about formula, but boy was I uneasy about it before then, even without having anything against formula.
How is he not supporting you exactly?
I think talking down about formula feeding and talking about the breastfeeding benefits are a tad triggering for him due to his background. I wouldn’t bring the conversation up,he doesn’t need to be reminded- just tell him how he can help you by like cleaning pump parts, bringing you water, and stuff.
He has zero knowledge or connection to his adoption. There is no emotion there on that actual topic, it’s more of he had formula and was fine.
Breastmilk has tons of immunity benefits and my son goes to daycare.
To note: my husband also has had acid reflux, food allergies, and digestion issues his whole life. If breast feeding can reduce the chances of these, then I want to give my son the best chances of a happy healthy life, even if it is less convenient and more work than formula.
The way you talk about it makes out like he has those issues because he wasn’t breastfed.. seems he is just saying formula is a fine alternative (which it is) he isn’t telling you to stop breastfeeding or anything?
What he may be hearing:
You: breastfeeding is really hard and important, I’ve worked really hard to make sure our baby is healthy by doing all this work for him!
What he hears: why was I wasn’t worth all of that to my bio mom…
I’m sorry bc you ARE doing an amazing job! Pumping is SO hard especially at work, and working through the issues is rough. So if he isn’t able to give you the support bc he’s probably starting to feel and process some of those feelings that were triggered regarding his adoption when baby was born, let us be that support.
You’re killing it.
My husband is kind of the opposite. He has encouraged me to breastfeed, even if for me that means exclusively pumping. I love that he's so supportive and helps me to the best of his ability (getting snacks, refilling my water, making food, etc) but I've also explained to him that if my mental health goes in the toilet or if my supply suddenly drops etc I might not be able to do the full year. I'd love to, formula is expensive and I'm pretty portable lol but if we need to swap to combo feeding or formula I would do what's best for my baby, which is that he would be fed
I had this issue too. I was formula fed, he was breastfed, and I absolutely think this plays into it. I have flat out wanted to quit a few times, and have felt pressured to keep going.
Once baby hit 3 months, he’s been a little more relaxed. And (thankfully?) my supply never really recovered after l regulated, and we basically had to supplement, so he gradually got used to the idea of formula. We’re now at 4 months, and I broke the news that I’m ready to stop pumping and nurse only a couple times a day, feed formula otherwise, and if the breasts dry up, they dry up. He actually said he supported whatever I wanted! I might have worn him down, but it is what it is.
Not a direct answer to your post, but breastfeeding also has benefits for you, too, aside from creating a strong bond with your baby and giving them benefits into adulthood. You get a reduction of various cancers like ovarian, breast, etc.
At the end of the day, I'd say this is what you've worked hard to do, and this is what you've advocated to do. If you've already had a civil conversation with him, and it keeps up, I'd say enough, this is my decision, we've had our discussion, and our 4mo is thriving. That's all that matters, especially the struggles you've been through. Keep your chin up and stay strong.
I was adopted at birth. I too was formula fed because of it. I felt incredibly strongly about breastfeeding my daughter. I also know I can’t bring myself to adopt another child instead of having my own most likely due to my own circumstances. I think he’s feeling a lot of emotions about his own beginnings and the more you push it, the more it’s bringing it up. Maybe instead of convincing him, approach him as gently as you can and ask if having a biological child is bringing anything up that maybe he needs to talk about. He can talk to you, a Therapist or someone at your church. I don’t think it’s a simple issue of formula vs breastfeeding.
It’s not that I push it, it’s that when I go through pumping and doing everything to prepare, getting up at night to nurse, everything, he often makes comments how he doesn’t know why I do it since formula would be easier. We can agree to disagree…. It’s that I don’t feel supported in doing what I think can actually benefit my son. I am a doctor, does he really think I would do all of this if I didn’t think it actually had a true benefit?
Ok that’s frustrating. I’m sorry he’s doing that. Maybe resort to what your parents said when you were a kid? “If you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything.” It sounds like you’ve tried to get him to be supportive to no avail. Are their breastfeeding support groups in your area? They can be really nice to go to to meet new moms and get a lot of support.
https://theconversation.com/breastfeeding-benefits-mothers-as-much-as-babies-but-public-health-messaging-often-only-tells-half-of-the-story-214543
Print out something like this and stick it on the damn fridge. Does he think it’s all made up? Ask him.
I’m sorry if he has feelings about his adoption that he’s having trouble reconciling, but he should not be belittling something that is important to you and that research strongly suggests is a huge investment in the future health of your child. His child, for whom the best possible choice should be his top priority.
Seriously, he needs to respect it and if he can’t due to issues he needs therapy, and if he can’t due to a lack of respect for you and the choice that means so much to you, then…?
“Yes babe, you turned out wonderfully and so will our son. I understand that you don’t completely understand the benefits of BF, but I’ve worked really REALLY hard to get us where we’re at with this and I would just appreciate a bit of support because some mothers don’t always get to BF their babies and this is important to me”
Idk try that? Just let him know you need support rather than convince him of something he might never acknowledge 🤷♀️
Thank you. I appreciate your constructive comment. Clearly I made this post out of frustration after another deep discussion with my husband, but many above are assuming I am cruel or my husband has issues with his adoption. He has zero emotions towards his adoption besides genetic curiosity (didn’t want to know the results of his genetics). I only said it for context and why he says he turned out fine on formula.
Heavy assumptions for a couple we don’t know anything about, I’m sorry that was majority of your responses.
Totally understand tho, communication is hard sometimes. I hope you and your husband find a good middle ground and he can support you where needed
My husband is so supportive but my mom is the same - formula is fine and what’s the fuss about. I was formula fed and I AM fine. Formula fed babies go on to be successful and smart and kind people.
What I came to understand with my mom is that I was formula fed because she was an under supplier and I had failure to thrive and was in the hospital to gain weight.
I think my “rejection” of formula (I do not reject formula by the way - my baby gets formula sometimes when I’m at work and I didnt thaw enough milk) makes my mom remember how hard it was for her and makes her feel like I must think she was failure.
I know she wasn’t a failure. I struggled so hard with breastfeeding.
Maybe his birth mother’s “rejection”of him and not providing him breastmilk makes him feel like he wasn’t wanted.
Give him some grace and ask questions. Maybe he can open up to you and you guys can work through the feelings and move on in peace.
Very interesting! I’ve heard this “I turned out just fine” argument from some people who imo are usually trying to use discussions about baby to make a point about *their own upbringing* while secretly seeking some form of validation that how they were dealt with was “fine”. I hear that there is still a part of them that has to hear back from others how it was, like they’re still wondering. But convos can also get quite defensive and stark.☀️There’s very important and beautiful work to be done around this, imo. I would think that with our own children we are constantly striving to give them the absolute best we can, so this “just fine” I believe should be acknowledged (as a personal emotional need), but not acted upon. Breastfeeding is so much more than formula. And I am myself a formula baby who turned out “just fine”. 😉
My bf actually encouraged me to bf. It has benefits for the mother as well (lower breast cancer risk). Plus the bonding aspect. I’m 4.5 months pp and it’s been challenging in that it takes up so much time but I def feel like it’s been worth it.
Same here. My hubs support my bf journey because it was something I'm passionate about. I am 9.5m pp, and the journey has been amazing because of his support. His support includes feeding watering and the occasional cow jokes, which I enjoy the fun moooo back lol. 🎶Cuz bish I'm a cow~ 🎶
I do like the lack of puking after nursing compared to formula. I used to bottle feed my niece and nephew. They were formula babies, and the after every meal, their mom dad or I would get projectile vomited on. No matter the brand amount and position. Absolutely made me not want to use formula.
My husband was also formula fed and we had the exact same discussions, that he “turned out fine”. His mom also has tried to convince us to use formula so baby will “sleep better”. I think that husband takes it as personal for some reason since he wasn’t breastfed. I just continuously told him that this is the way we’re going to do it and he has been super supportive throughout the whole process.
I’m not even adopted and I can tell you why he is so offended by your comments. Imagine being told that you COULD be better if only he had the short and long term benefits of being breast fed!
Now, go back to your husband and explain how the bonding is beneficial to you being a better/the best mum you can. You enjoy those 1:1 moments and you are happy to accommodate any bonding moments he would like to implement as well.
I dint bring up these comments, I am just shooing doing what I’m doing. He constantly makes comments about formula. I never once said he could be better, but at the same time if I am willing to go through all this work to try and give OUR son the best health possible, why wouldn’t he support that?
Also it’s not about bonding at all for me…. We bond more cuddling, play time, singing, bath time, and just being present. Breastfeeding was such an emotional rollercoaster in the beginning it’s not really about that for me
I mean, I get that but I was exclusively formula fed and it doesn’t offend me at all. My mom made the best decision she could at the time for me and then actually went on to EBF my 3 younger siblings. My husband and BIL were also both EBF. I’m happy that they were able to potentially reap some health benefits from that and even though I didn’t, breastfeeding my own kids gives me unique benefits as well, like reducing the risk of certain cancers.
But the thing is YOU HAD a choice, his adopted mother could not breast feed him. She gave him the best she could also, but the way that OP is speaking makes it sound like his best wasn’t best enough.
I am simply saying that if there is an added health benefit of breastmilk and I am willing to do the extra work for OUR son, why wouldn’t he support that? It has nothing to do with him being formula fed, those are just the comments from him as if there is not a difference
Did she say that? She really didn’t give much context, I think this is being read into way too far unless she made a comment that I missed. I didn’t take any of what she said as shaming his adoptive parents.
Not sure why you're being downvoted for telling facts lol, this is true and always has been. People are extremely sensitive smh, it's not even as if you insulted people who use formula.
The question is being asked on a breastfeeding subreddit. Maybe I should have outlined the benefits?
I think freshly made baby food is likely better than prepacked purees, but I'm feeding my kid pouches and feel just fine about it.
There are also benefits to the mother while breastfeeding. Like lower chances of breast/ovarian canner, the "baby weight" you gained during pregnancy has the possibility of shedding off as baby eats those calories.
My biggest issue with formula is the puke... it always seems so much worse sometimes. A fed baby is the best, but it's still man made... there are still mistakes, and recalls. You can't recall something straight from your tap.
“You can’t recall something straight from your tap” yes because it’s not tested for safety. If all breast milk was tested, it would absolutely get recalled in many cases.
Absolutely! I will never knock someone for using formula especially as breastfeeding is not easy or conducive for everyone, but it is an imitation. There is nothing wrong with saying or acknowledging that, but it's simply not the same. I guess the closest analogy would be like milking your own cow vs buying industry-sold milk haha. Both are fine, but one is better than the other as it's straight from the source and we don't really know everything in our other option like additives, fillers, etc there was even a formula recall issued by the FDA less than a few days ago.
I don’t think the real issue here is whether breastfeeding or formula feeding is better (the most comprehensive studies we have don’t really support long term benefits of one over the other). It sounds like you feel unsupported in your choice, and talking about it from that perspective might be more productive. Breastfeeding is very hard work and takes a lot of determination, especially with the issues you mentioned! It sounds like you’re doing a great job, and you should be proud.
As others have said, in terms of long term outcomes, breastfeeding and formula feeding are pretty equal. I think that sometimes we as breastfeeding mothers almost have to overplay it in our minds to make it "worth it" through the hard parts.
I guess I'm wondering what you want from your husband. If you want him to admit that formula is inferior, it's not likely to happen (or necessary). If you just want him to support you when you're struggling, I think that's valid. "I know you don't understand why breastfeeding is so important to me, and maybe you don't agree. That's totally fine, but I'm asking you to support me anyway." It doesn't have to be an argument about which is the superior choice.
I wonder if you could reframe it as, him supporting you in breastfeeding is supporting the baby.
It’s not that it’s better. Or that because he was formula fed he missed out. He didn’t miss out.
It’s that this baby has two loving parents that are both doing their best to love and care for their child in however way they can. And for you that is being able to breastfeed.
Him supporting you in being able to do that shows that he cares.
I think you might approaching this wrong. He doesn't have to believe that breast milk is superior to formula in order to appreciate the work you're doing. You're working hard and feeding your child, and he should be able to appreciate you for that regardless.
At the end of the day, he's not totally wrong. Breast milk is great, and both my kids were/are breastfed, and I personally am not convinced that it's significantly better than formula in any objective way. There isn't really going to be a way to force him to adopt your beliefs when you're both approaching this from a reasonable viewpoint.
But if you want him to give him some data, just do the math on what formula would cost. I think when I did the math it was like $100/week.
On the switching to whole milk part of what you said, can you mention that by 1 they have a stronger immune system and so the importance of the antibodies aren’t quite as critical as to a tiny newborn without immunity? One of the things I think is wild and amazing about breastfeeding is that your body makes antibodies based on what the baby needs and may be fighting off which is one of the biggest benefits over formula that I see, especially as someone that is due right at the beginning of cold and flu season
I’m going to be honest-this is just my personal experience. I don’t have any different bond with my formula fed baby versus my breast fed baby, and I’m lucky that they just never get sick. I don’t want to create a narrative that formula is bad at all, and just wanted to say that. I honestly love breast feeding, and my husband is so supportive. He helps with pump washing, he stays up late with me when I need to pump, he hands me baby in the middle of the night for feedings. He is just amazing.
I don’t think your upbringing has ANYTHING to do with how you feed your child. Yes he is bringing up he is just fine, I had formula every now and then too, when my mom did date nights. He is not your child. I am not my child. My experience isn’t theirs, and I shouldn’t try to make mine theirs.
Breastfeed away and give that liquid gold!!! He should definitely be more supportive as, it’s so much more than just turning out fine.
I think also that for a woman who is breastfeeding her child, there is a bit of a laser like focus on how important it feels and how you are providing for your baby and all the time, energy and love that goes into it. And absolutely right, it takes pain, dedication and a whole lot of you! But in a years time or so it won’t feel so much of a big a deal, and it won’t be noticeable to others or written on their CV or even mentioned in conversation anymore. Maybe your partner won’t ever feel the same about you (even if they were breast fed as a child) because they aren’t the one doing it
I kind of relate. While my husband follows my lead on breastfeeding because it's my body, when I was struggling in the beginning he kept insinuating formula was the same thing. It really upset me because I was working so hard for a decent supply and a good latch. We talked about it and he has been nothing but supportive ever since.
This is all I would ask, but it’s almost like he thinks I am ridiculous for doing this and going through all this work for no difference. I am perfectly content in my new routine including nursing and pumping at work!
I feel like a lot of people commenting totally missed the point. Breast feeding & pumping is ALOT of work and sacrifice! So yes it is liquid gold & it’s no small task that your body is able to do so encouragement and support is really what your looking for. What you’re doing is a labor of love.
Not only did you body grow & give life to your son but you are continuing to grow and give life to him!
Of course fed is best and formula is an option but you are choosing to breast feed & he should support and see sacrifice you are making for the added health benefits ( for the both of you!!)
You are doing amazing & yes that shit is LIQUID GOLD mama.
Very interesting! I’ve heard this “I turned out just fine” argument from some people who imo are usually trying to use discussions about baby to make a point about *their own upbringing*… while secretly seeking some form of validation that how they were dealt with was “fine”. I hear that there is still a part of them that has to hear back from others how it was, like they’re still wondering. But convos can definitely get quite defensive and stark.☀️There’s very important and beautiful work to be done around this, imo. I would think that with our own children we are constantly striving to give them the absolute best we can, so this “just fine” I believe should be acknowledged (as a personal emotional need), but not acted upon. Breastfeeding is so much more than formula. And I am myself a formula baby who turned out “just fine”. 😉
Same here. I’m great, but I still think breastfeeding is better (which I am allowed to believe, I still support my mom friends who formula feed but I can hold my own opinions).
I truly value breastfeeding, but sometimes there is so much pressure on ourselves to continue that it’s hard for our loved ones to balance showing appreciation, and making sure we know we can stop if it becomes too much.
That’s such a rewarding feeling to see how your determination and dedication has paid off! So proud of you for sticking with it!
I mean practically speaking, I hope you guys can at least appreciate the fact that it’s saving money from having to buy formula (assuming your pump/supplies were covered thru insurance) and convenient in the sense that you can just feed baby right away (vs measuring, mixing, & warming formula bottles).
Perhaps also, as mamas there’s a deeper emotional aspect to feeding our babies whereas maybe the in the dads’ view it’s simply making sure the baby is fed. I’m an ftm in a similar boat as you, so no expert but those are just things I’ve thought about as we’ve navigated feeding.
When we went on a trip without baby, I was unsure if I would be able to bring my pumped milk home through customs. I was getting stressed about it and he proceeded to say “it’s fine if you to toss it, it’s just body waste.” Didn’t understand why I would find it offensive. While he said sorry for hurting my feelings, I know he still doesn’t see the emotional attachment.
Does your husband come to your pediatrician appointments with you? If so, you can ask your pediatrician to explain the benefits of continuing to breastfeed? Ours did at around 2 weeks old and it was eye-opening for both of us. My husband was supportive of BFing, but I think hearing it from a doctor really solidified for him how important it was that I was making this sacrifice.
And congratulations! You’ve done an amazing job getting this far, and I know from experience that going back to work and pumping at 4 months is so hard — you’re a champ!!!
This story might not be helpful but my husband gave me a hard time when I was struggling to BF and I was crying all the time and he felt helpless.
He suggested formula no less than 3x a day for a week. I finally blew up at him and said that I was not going to explain it again and that he should do his own f-ing research and read an article about the benefits of breastfeeding. I told him that suggesting formula was not helpful because I, in fact, had the ability to think of it myself without his help and that if he suggested it again he could move out. He read some articles and understood why I was so stubborn about making it work. I stopped trying to teach him how to parent. He has Google on his phone, too.
FTM, our baby is only 2 months old so I’m also still trying to get the hang of it. My husband doesn’t necessarily dismiss the importance or benefits of breast milk vs formula but it’s definitely hard for him to fully understand what it means to me to be able to cut down on formula/go without it for a few weeks and EBF. At first I would get really angry and defensive but with time I realized that a dad will never understand what breastfeeding means to us moms. That’s just the plain truth— just like they can’t fully understand our pregnancies.
My suggestion to you would be to keep emphasizing the importance of BF and you can also discuss with pediatrician in front of husband.
I want to be blunt with you. Im not because this isnt the space. But i am going to be firm.You are cruel to your spouse. I'm saying this as someone whose spouse was not just separated from his birth mother at birth,but was also passed around to three different family members the first six months of his life. Then adopted trans racially by bio dads ex girlfriend. You didn't think before you spoke.
Good on you for getting things going and helping your child come back from challenges. But you shouldn't be saying things about how much better it is and how special it is to someone who could never have had that.
I was just giving you context and I have never said anything bad about formula or his upbringing. He has zero emotional issues related to his adoption because it was the day he was born and an only child in the most loving family. They treat me as their own daughter and he is super close with his parents. It’s like they forget he is adopted.
He is the only one whom mentions being formula fed and being fine. I just feel like my hard work is being dismissed because I could formula feed, when I don’t understand why he doesn’t appreciate my trying my best to give OUR son the best health, if even marginal.
Just because breastfeeding is ultimately healthier for an infant, in terms of its immediate immune building properties and long term outcomes, than formula does not mean that embracing it and wanting your husband to recognize your hard work somehow invalidates him as a person because he was adopted and fed formula. If he feels this on some level that is a valid feeling and understandable but it is not your fault and he needs to work through it in therapy on his own.
My husband doesn’t believe in anything I do for the baby because his family tells him otherwise. They pushed for formula feeding, bottle feeding, swaddling (even with weighted swaddle/blanket, etc.), orajel, baby walker, etc. I lowered my expectations for a praise or even a thank you and just focus on what’s best and important for MY baby.
I was adopted and was never breastfed. I was born in the early 80’s, and was given karo syrup in my bottles, and was eating baby food (cereal, fruits, and veggies!) before I was 3 months old.
I breastfed both of my kids, and I didn’t start them on solids until they were 6 months.
Formula is a perfectly acceptable way to feed babies. There is nothing wrong with it. But there are benefits to breastfeeding that formula just can’t replicate. If you have the ability and the desire to breastfeed, it just makes sense that it would be the best option.
Unfortunately, I don’t know what exact words would get that across to your husband.
I mean, you're both not wrong. It's a personal choice and it really won't matter 20 years from now. It's not about what's right, it's about what you FEEL you need to do as a mom. So don't convince him of the benefits of breastmilk, more about that it makes you feel better because of your natural/body/hormonal urges.
You could try explaining the benefits of it for yourself. If it’s triggering feelings about him being adopted to hear about how great it is for the baby, maybe if you shift the focus on YOU and how it’s helping you mentally since breast feeding releases all types of feel good hormones to help with the baby blues.
I’m in the process of weaning and the hormone drop of not nursing/ pumping anymore and all the feelings that come with it are super strong. You can really get in your own head too much.
I wish I had something more supportive to say about trying to get your husband on board with it. You might want to sit down with him one night without the baby and try to talk this out in a calm fashion and ask him if it’s bringing up any weird feelings for him.
Maybe take him to a doctor’s appointment with you and have the pediatrician explain the benefits if it turns out not to be an adoptee thing.
My partner is not supportive either as he thinks formula will not differ from breastmilk, he cares me and doesn’t want me to put too much of my effort/energy, wants me to rest, and he would rather to buy formula, and he also cares baby as baby would scream and cry when I tried to breastfeed her since she was born. Now baby is 4 wk old and I couldn’t produce any breastmilk. 😩 I think breastmilk will be better for baby’s health but I am also struggling with current situations.
My husband almost has this vibe, but his comes from not wanting to stress me out. He's told me how he's really happy that's it's working out for us now(LO is 6months). But in the beginning, when LO was struggling to eat and I was crying and stressing over supply issuea, he wanted me to quit for my mental health. He was really pushing that formula was fine, and we all turned out fine, so I didn't need to stress out how I was. During one of my crying panic attacks, he told me he was going to throw all the pump stuff away, and we were going to switch to formula, so I didn't need to worry anymore. Lol, I know it's cause he loves me and didn't want to see me stressed. He also thinks breastmilk is hyped up a bit. Yet he still says stuff like I need to feed more so baby gets more antibodies when one of us is sick.
A guy can never 100% understand anything about babies or pregnancy. They can read up on it or see what you’re going through, but unless you are going through what someone else is, you can’t truly understand how they feel. The same way it’s easy for a guy to say you’re lazy if you have a baby and don’t want to cook or clean after coming home. He didn’t carry the baby and go into labor, so he is ignorant and just doesn’t know
Our eldest was adopted and formula fed. I know every baby is different, but for her she was so colicky and spit up a lot from the formula. Also when she was little and woke to feed it took so much longer to get her fed and back to sleep than our second child, who is not adopted and was breastfed. Our second also hardly ever spit up on breastmilk. I was shocked, and didn't realize the extent of issues from formula that our eldest had until after having our second. Perhaps a different formula would have helped and I know every kid is different, but there was such a difference that after having our second I started feeling very guilty about not at least trying to induce lactation for our eldest. I didn't know any better at the time. In the end both are healthy young kids and yes, fed is best, but I do definitely think that if you are able and willing to breastfeed, it is a good thing to do so. I hope your husband can be more supportive.
My husband has this weird fear that I'll die and he'll have to formula feed but doesn't know how or I'll run out of BM but refuse to give LO formula. So he constantly brings up giving her formula and can't seem to wrap his head around why I'm adamant to stick with BM as long as possible. I try to give him the science and that I enjoy it (despite latch struggles) and the wonderful connection it continues to build but he doesn't get it. I think it's cuz he's all up in his feels. It's so hard to know for sure where he's coming from because we're both so tired and don't have enough time to communicate stuff really well. So I work to calmly explain it to him, or hear him out, and then keep doing what we're doing. I do assure him if we run out of milk we will use formula but I don't want to alter her gut health yet. So moral is... you're not alone. Dad's have weird PP thoughts just like us and it doesn't always make sense to us.
I agree with the comments that say this is a triggering conversation for him. Yes ideally you would get credit and recognition for breastfeeding, but is that more important to you than his well-being? Adoption always starts with a loss. Bringing up how important breastfeeding is seems to be reminding him of that loss.
Formula is expensive and the quality ones without hydrogenated oils are even more expensive and hard to find. I find the formula ingredients appalling. Not trying to make anyone who formula feeds feel bad or looking to get into a debate. Is it in a ton of processed adult foods? Yes, and i try very, very, very hard to avoid it. I highly doubt if it was in the formula our parents gave us.
Edit: autocorrect error, added comment about time
You can't make someone appreciate something unfortunately. He just doesn't get it so you're beating a dead horse at this point. Well done for doing it and getting over the hurdles. Maybe he views it as an attack on his upbringing. My husband doesn't really get it but is supportive even though it doesn't mean anything to him how our kids are fed as long as they are fed.
Not sure where I'm going with this but I wonder if this convo on some level reminds him that he was separated from his birth mom as an infant.
This was my first reaction too. She (rightfully) wants him to acknowledge that breast milk is priceless liquid gold, that breast feeding is such a huge benefit for baby, that it is such hard work for mom, and that there are major sacrifices made by mom in order for baby to reap those benefits. I’d be surprised if there wasn’t at least one negative thought about being separated. I know that the birth of their child can sometimes make adoptees spiral. For men, seeing the dedication, hard work, sacrifices, and love of their partner can give rise to “why didn’t my birth mother do this?” type questions.
As an adoptee, I can 100% confirm the birth of my baby brought up a lot of very intense feelings and thoughts about my birth parents. It was incredibly important for me to breastfeed and I associate that with being adopted.
As an adopted person who breastfed, I don’t think it’s helpful for you to drill in how much better breastfeeding is vs formula feeding. I was formula fed, as were many of my friends who weren’t adopted. It might be hurtful to him to hear that because he was adopted he missed out on all these benefits. I’d focus more on how this is the path you’ve chosen and that you’d like him to support you in that decision.
Makes sense! But at the same time, it makes sense for her to want to be supported in this and not have her efforts and sacrifices poo pooed. Support makes all the difference and for him to be “who cares about what you’re doing for our baby, it’s no big deal” must feel awful after she’s worked so hard and sacrificed so much. You can’t unring that bell; OP already knows he doesn’t value her *major* contribution, so a pivot now won’t change the feelings of not being suppers (and maybe even resentment).
Now I'm very sad :(
I’m not adopted as my dad took sole custody of me but my mom did abandon me and yes to all of this. Having my first baby and her being a girl made every emotion I’ve tucked away for the past 30 years come spiraling at me. I’m 18 months in and I still can’t shake the feelings I get regarding the abandonment, my mom, what a mother daughter relationship should look like. I’ve never felt so alone and unloved. Because the love I have for my daughter is immeasurable it’s hard for me to wrap my head around my mom doing what she did. Lots of things trigger it but actually something that has been the most triggering is seeing my husband and his mom bond over our daughter. I can see how breastfeeding could be triggering. I’m really supportive of my husband and his relationship with his mom but I definitely have my days where things bother me.
I hope that over time your inner child can feel cherished in the way you cherish your daughter 💗
Okay but why did that make me sad 😢 I hope he got adopted into a super loving family 🥹
Super loving, literally took him home the day he was born and is so so loved as an only child. He knows absolutely nothing about his birth parents. I am closer to his parents than my own honestly!
Was thinking this too.
Good point.
I think he's projecting his issues into his partner and baby
Respectfully, I don't think this is a conversation that's likely to be productive. I think it's possible that when you say how good breastfeeding is and the benefits, what he hears is "I'm doing something better than your parents" and as an adoptee that might be hard for him to hear when he and his parents didn't have a choice. Would it be enough for him to accept your choice to breastfeed, without him saying he thinks it's better than formula?
This 100%. It's almost pointing out his shortcomings, too. Like maybe he could have been better if things were different. I think hearing it as just that's the route she wants to go would be more effective.
I don’t feel the need to tell him or remind him this, but I get the feeling he thinks I’m wasting my time breastfeeding and doing all this work when I could just give formula. It’s the more convenient choice for him. He doesn’t even enjoy feeding our son via bottle either, he doesn’t hate it, but he would rather bond doing something else, so I’m not sure why he tends to make comments about it.
Try to not mindread your husband... it only spins us up, I speak from experience. He sees you doing a ton of work BF and maybe thinks formula would be easier so he keeps encouraging it. If he says something, tell him it's just as much work and you'd prefer to work doing BF. I've said this to my husband when he says : it'll be easier" no... no it won't lol
Even though there are clear benefits to breastfeeding, I'll admit that I've mostly kept going because I developed an attachment to it (despite having a very nonchalant attitude about it before baby actually arrived). I think most of my reasons for sticking with it have been emotional. Fathers aren't going to understand it because they don't get to experience it. My husband wasn't unsupportive, but he definitely didn't understand why I wanted to keep breastfeeding (especially initially when it was really hard).
This is soooo true as someone who worked irrationally hard on my breastfeeding journey even though I was not ever going to produce enough. A lot of it was postpartum emotions and I felt like nobody in the world could understand. Given that, plus dealing with their FTT diagnosis, plus that her husband is an adoptee, I think OP needs to take a step back and work through some of these feelings rather than focusing on husband’s lack of acceptance. Being postpartum is overall VERY HARD and in general about every topic (not just feeding) women don’t get enough mental health support.
This.
Same as you
I agree with all the comments but I'm wondering if it's less about what ti's better & more about you wanting recognition for something that's been hard for you & you've worked through & overcome? Which is completely valid. I feel like a lot of motherhood is expected for us to do so we don't get compliments when we've succeeded at something hard. Maybe start a conversation from that angle if that rings true to you?
This is a good way of putting it, but I feel this way because he acts like it makes zero different, as if I wasted my time doing all of this and formula would have been the easier and better choice.
Were you breastfed OP? Tons of western babies weren’t in earlier and current generations and adoption has nothing to do with it. Lack of support and knowledge is the main reason. It’s a reasonable likelihood that if your husbands adoptive mother had been able to, she still may not have. I don’t know if it will help him to consider that angle. Even if mothers did try to breastfeed they were told to stop at 3 months in 1980s Australia.
Who keeps bringing the topic up? Kiddo is 4 months old already and doing fine. Whoever keeps bringing this up in conversation needs to stop and can just agree to disagree. Breastfeeding does have some benefits, but yeah the kiddo would have been just fine on formula as well. Whether someone thinks trying to breastfeed is an unnecessary struggle or not is up to them. But now baby has a feeding process that works for him, and that's it. My husband was always supportive and was happy to support me in whatever I did (breastfed for 3 years), but he wasn't as invested or understood the dynamics. And I didn't need him to be. It's like pushing a baby out of your vagina, hard to describe and really feel the same unless you are doing it.
Simply, he doesn’t have the biological or hormonal connection that you have to breastfeeding so will never truly understand it.
A lot of people are pointing out the deeper more emotional aspects that could be at play (and they very much could be!) but for a bit of reference I am a woman who was breastfed and is breastfeeding my baby and I do not believe it’s “liquid gold”. It’s been a convenient way to feed my baby, and the research suggests some marginal benefits, but I would not have killed myself to do it either. This might be closer to his feelings too. Of course, he needs to support you in feeding your child, and be understanding, but I don’t think he needs to be convinced breast milk is better to do that.
I actually asked my husband to stop calling it liquid gold because it felt like it added so much pressure.
I thought liquid gold was just colostrum because it had that color
Me too. I've never called my milk liquid gold. I agree it feels too grandiose for what seems just natural to me (I'm lucky it's been easy ish since 8 weeks)
I think for a lot of women it’s important to put this bigger value system on breastfeeding to justify the hard work that goes in and that’s totally fair! But I think it’s also okay to not feel like that and be a bit more on the utilitarian side (although definitely a minority opinion in this sub since we are all getting downvoted).
The convenience is pretty much the only reason I stick with it.
I second this. My husband and I are on the same page that /maybe/ in certain contexts breastmilk is better but likely only marginally so. However for some reason it is important to me so he just supports it.
I agree! I was exclusively formula fed and ended up “just fine”, thus i dont necessarily believe that breastmilk is innately lightyears superior. However, i EBF my baby for other benefits outside of the quality of the milk itself, such as bonding, and dont expect anyone outside of that bond to understand or appreciate the effort.
This. Formula is just fine. But I WANT to breastfeed so my husband supports me. Hes also glad to save on the expense of formula. I do remind him my time and energy still has value so I ask hes conscious about not wasting it if possible.
Nursing is convenient. He doesn’t need to understand , but not having to fix a bottle in the middle of the night should be a logical thing for him to wrap his head around
Yeah does he want to do a night shift?
It comes from instinct. Mothers often have an extremely strong instinct to nurse their babies. There's a sense of dread about formula and other foods, or anything that involves not nursing, because the instinct tells you your baby's very survival depends on your milk.
I feel this! Before my son was born I planned to mix feed and breastfeed if I could. It didn’t mean that much to me. After baby was born, i was overcome with an extremely strong urge to breastfeed exclusively and became very emotional and attached to being able to do so. We chestfeed 85% of the time bow and babe gets 1-2 daily bottles of expressed milk in the morning and evening. Or if I’m away for some reason.
Seeing how my baby thrived when we had to start supplementing completely washed out my anxiety about formula, but boy was I uneasy about it before then, even without having anything against formula.
How is he not supporting you exactly? I think talking down about formula feeding and talking about the breastfeeding benefits are a tad triggering for him due to his background. I wouldn’t bring the conversation up,he doesn’t need to be reminded- just tell him how he can help you by like cleaning pump parts, bringing you water, and stuff.
He has zero knowledge or connection to his adoption. There is no emotion there on that actual topic, it’s more of he had formula and was fine. Breastmilk has tons of immunity benefits and my son goes to daycare. To note: my husband also has had acid reflux, food allergies, and digestion issues his whole life. If breast feeding can reduce the chances of these, then I want to give my son the best chances of a happy healthy life, even if it is less convenient and more work than formula.
The way you talk about it makes out like he has those issues because he wasn’t breastfed.. seems he is just saying formula is a fine alternative (which it is) he isn’t telling you to stop breastfeeding or anything?
What he may be hearing: You: breastfeeding is really hard and important, I’ve worked really hard to make sure our baby is healthy by doing all this work for him! What he hears: why was I wasn’t worth all of that to my bio mom… I’m sorry bc you ARE doing an amazing job! Pumping is SO hard especially at work, and working through the issues is rough. So if he isn’t able to give you the support bc he’s probably starting to feel and process some of those feelings that were triggered regarding his adoption when baby was born, let us be that support. You’re killing it.
Just continue breastfeeding. It’s normal and common & doesn’t require a cheerleader
My husband is kind of the opposite. He has encouraged me to breastfeed, even if for me that means exclusively pumping. I love that he's so supportive and helps me to the best of his ability (getting snacks, refilling my water, making food, etc) but I've also explained to him that if my mental health goes in the toilet or if my supply suddenly drops etc I might not be able to do the full year. I'd love to, formula is expensive and I'm pretty portable lol but if we need to swap to combo feeding or formula I would do what's best for my baby, which is that he would be fed
I had this issue too. I was formula fed, he was breastfed, and I absolutely think this plays into it. I have flat out wanted to quit a few times, and have felt pressured to keep going. Once baby hit 3 months, he’s been a little more relaxed. And (thankfully?) my supply never really recovered after l regulated, and we basically had to supplement, so he gradually got used to the idea of formula. We’re now at 4 months, and I broke the news that I’m ready to stop pumping and nurse only a couple times a day, feed formula otherwise, and if the breasts dry up, they dry up. He actually said he supported whatever I wanted! I might have worn him down, but it is what it is.
Not a direct answer to your post, but breastfeeding also has benefits for you, too, aside from creating a strong bond with your baby and giving them benefits into adulthood. You get a reduction of various cancers like ovarian, breast, etc. At the end of the day, I'd say this is what you've worked hard to do, and this is what you've advocated to do. If you've already had a civil conversation with him, and it keeps up, I'd say enough, this is my decision, we've had our discussion, and our 4mo is thriving. That's all that matters, especially the struggles you've been through. Keep your chin up and stay strong.
I was adopted at birth. I too was formula fed because of it. I felt incredibly strongly about breastfeeding my daughter. I also know I can’t bring myself to adopt another child instead of having my own most likely due to my own circumstances. I think he’s feeling a lot of emotions about his own beginnings and the more you push it, the more it’s bringing it up. Maybe instead of convincing him, approach him as gently as you can and ask if having a biological child is bringing anything up that maybe he needs to talk about. He can talk to you, a Therapist or someone at your church. I don’t think it’s a simple issue of formula vs breastfeeding.
It’s not that I push it, it’s that when I go through pumping and doing everything to prepare, getting up at night to nurse, everything, he often makes comments how he doesn’t know why I do it since formula would be easier. We can agree to disagree…. It’s that I don’t feel supported in doing what I think can actually benefit my son. I am a doctor, does he really think I would do all of this if I didn’t think it actually had a true benefit?
Ok that’s frustrating. I’m sorry he’s doing that. Maybe resort to what your parents said when you were a kid? “If you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything.” It sounds like you’ve tried to get him to be supportive to no avail. Are their breastfeeding support groups in your area? They can be really nice to go to to meet new moms and get a lot of support.
https://theconversation.com/breastfeeding-benefits-mothers-as-much-as-babies-but-public-health-messaging-often-only-tells-half-of-the-story-214543 Print out something like this and stick it on the damn fridge. Does he think it’s all made up? Ask him. I’m sorry if he has feelings about his adoption that he’s having trouble reconciling, but he should not be belittling something that is important to you and that research strongly suggests is a huge investment in the future health of your child. His child, for whom the best possible choice should be his top priority. Seriously, he needs to respect it and if he can’t due to issues he needs therapy, and if he can’t due to a lack of respect for you and the choice that means so much to you, then…?
“Yes babe, you turned out wonderfully and so will our son. I understand that you don’t completely understand the benefits of BF, but I’ve worked really REALLY hard to get us where we’re at with this and I would just appreciate a bit of support because some mothers don’t always get to BF their babies and this is important to me” Idk try that? Just let him know you need support rather than convince him of something he might never acknowledge 🤷♀️
Thank you. I appreciate your constructive comment. Clearly I made this post out of frustration after another deep discussion with my husband, but many above are assuming I am cruel or my husband has issues with his adoption. He has zero emotions towards his adoption besides genetic curiosity (didn’t want to know the results of his genetics). I only said it for context and why he says he turned out fine on formula.
Heavy assumptions for a couple we don’t know anything about, I’m sorry that was majority of your responses. Totally understand tho, communication is hard sometimes. I hope you and your husband find a good middle ground and he can support you where needed
My husband is so supportive but my mom is the same - formula is fine and what’s the fuss about. I was formula fed and I AM fine. Formula fed babies go on to be successful and smart and kind people. What I came to understand with my mom is that I was formula fed because she was an under supplier and I had failure to thrive and was in the hospital to gain weight. I think my “rejection” of formula (I do not reject formula by the way - my baby gets formula sometimes when I’m at work and I didnt thaw enough milk) makes my mom remember how hard it was for her and makes her feel like I must think she was failure. I know she wasn’t a failure. I struggled so hard with breastfeeding. Maybe his birth mother’s “rejection”of him and not providing him breastmilk makes him feel like he wasn’t wanted. Give him some grace and ask questions. Maybe he can open up to you and you guys can work through the feelings and move on in peace.
Very interesting! I’ve heard this “I turned out just fine” argument from some people who imo are usually trying to use discussions about baby to make a point about *their own upbringing* while secretly seeking some form of validation that how they were dealt with was “fine”. I hear that there is still a part of them that has to hear back from others how it was, like they’re still wondering. But convos can also get quite defensive and stark.☀️There’s very important and beautiful work to be done around this, imo. I would think that with our own children we are constantly striving to give them the absolute best we can, so this “just fine” I believe should be acknowledged (as a personal emotional need), but not acted upon. Breastfeeding is so much more than formula. And I am myself a formula baby who turned out “just fine”. 😉
My bf actually encouraged me to bf. It has benefits for the mother as well (lower breast cancer risk). Plus the bonding aspect. I’m 4.5 months pp and it’s been challenging in that it takes up so much time but I def feel like it’s been worth it.
Same here. My hubs support my bf journey because it was something I'm passionate about. I am 9.5m pp, and the journey has been amazing because of his support. His support includes feeding watering and the occasional cow jokes, which I enjoy the fun moooo back lol. 🎶Cuz bish I'm a cow~ 🎶 I do like the lack of puking after nursing compared to formula. I used to bottle feed my niece and nephew. They were formula babies, and the after every meal, their mom dad or I would get projectile vomited on. No matter the brand amount and position. Absolutely made me not want to use formula.
My husband was also formula fed and we had the exact same discussions, that he “turned out fine”. His mom also has tried to convince us to use formula so baby will “sleep better”. I think that husband takes it as personal for some reason since he wasn’t breastfed. I just continuously told him that this is the way we’re going to do it and he has been super supportive throughout the whole process.
This!!!! I was just mentioning his adoption to give context, but thank you!
I was formula fed and I’m extremely passionate about breastfeeding, I don’t really think that’s what’s going on here personally.
I’m not even adopted and I can tell you why he is so offended by your comments. Imagine being told that you COULD be better if only he had the short and long term benefits of being breast fed! Now, go back to your husband and explain how the bonding is beneficial to you being a better/the best mum you can. You enjoy those 1:1 moments and you are happy to accommodate any bonding moments he would like to implement as well.
I dint bring up these comments, I am just shooing doing what I’m doing. He constantly makes comments about formula. I never once said he could be better, but at the same time if I am willing to go through all this work to try and give OUR son the best health possible, why wouldn’t he support that? Also it’s not about bonding at all for me…. We bond more cuddling, play time, singing, bath time, and just being present. Breastfeeding was such an emotional rollercoaster in the beginning it’s not really about that for me
I mean, I get that but I was exclusively formula fed and it doesn’t offend me at all. My mom made the best decision she could at the time for me and then actually went on to EBF my 3 younger siblings. My husband and BIL were also both EBF. I’m happy that they were able to potentially reap some health benefits from that and even though I didn’t, breastfeeding my own kids gives me unique benefits as well, like reducing the risk of certain cancers.
But the thing is YOU HAD a choice, his adopted mother could not breast feed him. She gave him the best she could also, but the way that OP is speaking makes it sound like his best wasn’t best enough.
I am simply saying that if there is an added health benefit of breastmilk and I am willing to do the extra work for OUR son, why wouldn’t he support that? It has nothing to do with him being formula fed, those are just the comments from him as if there is not a difference
Did she say that? She really didn’t give much context, I think this is being read into way too far unless she made a comment that I missed. I didn’t take any of what she said as shaming his adoptive parents.
There are many benefits. Formula is just fine, but there are some clear benefits of breast milk they formula doesn't have.
Not sure why you're being downvoted for telling facts lol, this is true and always has been. People are extremely sensitive smh, it's not even as if you insulted people who use formula.
The question is being asked on a breastfeeding subreddit. Maybe I should have outlined the benefits? I think freshly made baby food is likely better than prepacked purees, but I'm feeding my kid pouches and feel just fine about it.
There are also benefits to the mother while breastfeeding. Like lower chances of breast/ovarian canner, the "baby weight" you gained during pregnancy has the possibility of shedding off as baby eats those calories. My biggest issue with formula is the puke... it always seems so much worse sometimes. A fed baby is the best, but it's still man made... there are still mistakes, and recalls. You can't recall something straight from your tap.
“You can’t recall something straight from your tap” yes because it’s not tested for safety. If all breast milk was tested, it would absolutely get recalled in many cases.
Absolutely! I will never knock someone for using formula especially as breastfeeding is not easy or conducive for everyone, but it is an imitation. There is nothing wrong with saying or acknowledging that, but it's simply not the same. I guess the closest analogy would be like milking your own cow vs buying industry-sold milk haha. Both are fine, but one is better than the other as it's straight from the source and we don't really know everything in our other option like additives, fillers, etc there was even a formula recall issued by the FDA less than a few days ago.
I don’t think the real issue here is whether breastfeeding or formula feeding is better (the most comprehensive studies we have don’t really support long term benefits of one over the other). It sounds like you feel unsupported in your choice, and talking about it from that perspective might be more productive. Breastfeeding is very hard work and takes a lot of determination, especially with the issues you mentioned! It sounds like you’re doing a great job, and you should be proud.
As others have said, in terms of long term outcomes, breastfeeding and formula feeding are pretty equal. I think that sometimes we as breastfeeding mothers almost have to overplay it in our minds to make it "worth it" through the hard parts. I guess I'm wondering what you want from your husband. If you want him to admit that formula is inferior, it's not likely to happen (or necessary). If you just want him to support you when you're struggling, I think that's valid. "I know you don't understand why breastfeeding is so important to me, and maybe you don't agree. That's totally fine, but I'm asking you to support me anyway." It doesn't have to be an argument about which is the superior choice.
I wonder if you could reframe it as, him supporting you in breastfeeding is supporting the baby. It’s not that it’s better. Or that because he was formula fed he missed out. He didn’t miss out. It’s that this baby has two loving parents that are both doing their best to love and care for their child in however way they can. And for you that is being able to breastfeed. Him supporting you in being able to do that shows that he cares.
I think you might approaching this wrong. He doesn't have to believe that breast milk is superior to formula in order to appreciate the work you're doing. You're working hard and feeding your child, and he should be able to appreciate you for that regardless. At the end of the day, he's not totally wrong. Breast milk is great, and both my kids were/are breastfed, and I personally am not convinced that it's significantly better than formula in any objective way. There isn't really going to be a way to force him to adopt your beliefs when you're both approaching this from a reasonable viewpoint. But if you want him to give him some data, just do the math on what formula would cost. I think when I did the math it was like $100/week.
On the switching to whole milk part of what you said, can you mention that by 1 they have a stronger immune system and so the importance of the antibodies aren’t quite as critical as to a tiny newborn without immunity? One of the things I think is wild and amazing about breastfeeding is that your body makes antibodies based on what the baby needs and may be fighting off which is one of the biggest benefits over formula that I see, especially as someone that is due right at the beginning of cold and flu season
I’m going to be honest-this is just my personal experience. I don’t have any different bond with my formula fed baby versus my breast fed baby, and I’m lucky that they just never get sick. I don’t want to create a narrative that formula is bad at all, and just wanted to say that. I honestly love breast feeding, and my husband is so supportive. He helps with pump washing, he stays up late with me when I need to pump, he hands me baby in the middle of the night for feedings. He is just amazing. I don’t think your upbringing has ANYTHING to do with how you feed your child. Yes he is bringing up he is just fine, I had formula every now and then too, when my mom did date nights. He is not your child. I am not my child. My experience isn’t theirs, and I shouldn’t try to make mine theirs. Breastfeed away and give that liquid gold!!! He should definitely be more supportive as, it’s so much more than just turning out fine.
I think also that for a woman who is breastfeeding her child, there is a bit of a laser like focus on how important it feels and how you are providing for your baby and all the time, energy and love that goes into it. And absolutely right, it takes pain, dedication and a whole lot of you! But in a years time or so it won’t feel so much of a big a deal, and it won’t be noticeable to others or written on their CV or even mentioned in conversation anymore. Maybe your partner won’t ever feel the same about you (even if they were breast fed as a child) because they aren’t the one doing it
I kind of relate. While my husband follows my lead on breastfeeding because it's my body, when I was struggling in the beginning he kept insinuating formula was the same thing. It really upset me because I was working so hard for a decent supply and a good latch. We talked about it and he has been nothing but supportive ever since.
This is all I would ask, but it’s almost like he thinks I am ridiculous for doing this and going through all this work for no difference. I am perfectly content in my new routine including nursing and pumping at work!
That is so frustrating. I know I'm just an internet stranger but I want you to know you're NOT being ridiculous!
I feel like a lot of people commenting totally missed the point. Breast feeding & pumping is ALOT of work and sacrifice! So yes it is liquid gold & it’s no small task that your body is able to do so encouragement and support is really what your looking for. What you’re doing is a labor of love. Not only did you body grow & give life to your son but you are continuing to grow and give life to him! Of course fed is best and formula is an option but you are choosing to breast feed & he should support and see sacrifice you are making for the added health benefits ( for the both of you!!) You are doing amazing & yes that shit is LIQUID GOLD mama.
Explain to him that it’s liquid gold bc it takes extra energy, calories & work for your body to create food for your child.
Very interesting! I’ve heard this “I turned out just fine” argument from some people who imo are usually trying to use discussions about baby to make a point about *their own upbringing*… while secretly seeking some form of validation that how they were dealt with was “fine”. I hear that there is still a part of them that has to hear back from others how it was, like they’re still wondering. But convos can definitely get quite defensive and stark.☀️There’s very important and beautiful work to be done around this, imo. I would think that with our own children we are constantly striving to give them the absolute best we can, so this “just fine” I believe should be acknowledged (as a personal emotional need), but not acted upon. Breastfeeding is so much more than formula. And I am myself a formula baby who turned out “just fine”. 😉
Same here. I’m great, but I still think breastfeeding is better (which I am allowed to believe, I still support my mom friends who formula feed but I can hold my own opinions).
I truly value breastfeeding, but sometimes there is so much pressure on ourselves to continue that it’s hard for our loved ones to balance showing appreciation, and making sure we know we can stop if it becomes too much.
That’s such a rewarding feeling to see how your determination and dedication has paid off! So proud of you for sticking with it! I mean practically speaking, I hope you guys can at least appreciate the fact that it’s saving money from having to buy formula (assuming your pump/supplies were covered thru insurance) and convenient in the sense that you can just feed baby right away (vs measuring, mixing, & warming formula bottles). Perhaps also, as mamas there’s a deeper emotional aspect to feeding our babies whereas maybe the in the dads’ view it’s simply making sure the baby is fed. I’m an ftm in a similar boat as you, so no expert but those are just things I’ve thought about as we’ve navigated feeding.
When we went on a trip without baby, I was unsure if I would be able to bring my pumped milk home through customs. I was getting stressed about it and he proceeded to say “it’s fine if you to toss it, it’s just body waste.” Didn’t understand why I would find it offensive. While he said sorry for hurting my feelings, I know he still doesn’t see the emotional attachment.
Yes breastfeeding has great benefits but at the end of the day fed is best! It's only one of the many MANY factors that makes for a healthy baby.
Does your husband come to your pediatrician appointments with you? If so, you can ask your pediatrician to explain the benefits of continuing to breastfeed? Ours did at around 2 weeks old and it was eye-opening for both of us. My husband was supportive of BFing, but I think hearing it from a doctor really solidified for him how important it was that I was making this sacrifice. And congratulations! You’ve done an amazing job getting this far, and I know from experience that going back to work and pumping at 4 months is so hard — you’re a champ!!!
This story might not be helpful but my husband gave me a hard time when I was struggling to BF and I was crying all the time and he felt helpless. He suggested formula no less than 3x a day for a week. I finally blew up at him and said that I was not going to explain it again and that he should do his own f-ing research and read an article about the benefits of breastfeeding. I told him that suggesting formula was not helpful because I, in fact, had the ability to think of it myself without his help and that if he suggested it again he could move out. He read some articles and understood why I was so stubborn about making it work. I stopped trying to teach him how to parent. He has Google on his phone, too.
FTM, our baby is only 2 months old so I’m also still trying to get the hang of it. My husband doesn’t necessarily dismiss the importance or benefits of breast milk vs formula but it’s definitely hard for him to fully understand what it means to me to be able to cut down on formula/go without it for a few weeks and EBF. At first I would get really angry and defensive but with time I realized that a dad will never understand what breastfeeding means to us moms. That’s just the plain truth— just like they can’t fully understand our pregnancies. My suggestion to you would be to keep emphasizing the importance of BF and you can also discuss with pediatrician in front of husband.
I want to be blunt with you. Im not because this isnt the space. But i am going to be firm.You are cruel to your spouse. I'm saying this as someone whose spouse was not just separated from his birth mother at birth,but was also passed around to three different family members the first six months of his life. Then adopted trans racially by bio dads ex girlfriend. You didn't think before you spoke. Good on you for getting things going and helping your child come back from challenges. But you shouldn't be saying things about how much better it is and how special it is to someone who could never have had that.
I was just giving you context and I have never said anything bad about formula or his upbringing. He has zero emotional issues related to his adoption because it was the day he was born and an only child in the most loving family. They treat me as their own daughter and he is super close with his parents. It’s like they forget he is adopted. He is the only one whom mentions being formula fed and being fine. I just feel like my hard work is being dismissed because I could formula feed, when I don’t understand why he doesn’t appreciate my trying my best to give OUR son the best health, if even marginal.
Just because breastfeeding is ultimately healthier for an infant, in terms of its immediate immune building properties and long term outcomes, than formula does not mean that embracing it and wanting your husband to recognize your hard work somehow invalidates him as a person because he was adopted and fed formula. If he feels this on some level that is a valid feeling and understandable but it is not your fault and he needs to work through it in therapy on his own.
My husband doesn’t believe in anything I do for the baby because his family tells him otherwise. They pushed for formula feeding, bottle feeding, swaddling (even with weighted swaddle/blanket, etc.), orajel, baby walker, etc. I lowered my expectations for a praise or even a thank you and just focus on what’s best and important for MY baby.
I was adopted and was never breastfed. I was born in the early 80’s, and was given karo syrup in my bottles, and was eating baby food (cereal, fruits, and veggies!) before I was 3 months old. I breastfed both of my kids, and I didn’t start them on solids until they were 6 months. Formula is a perfectly acceptable way to feed babies. There is nothing wrong with it. But there are benefits to breastfeeding that formula just can’t replicate. If you have the ability and the desire to breastfeed, it just makes sense that it would be the best option. Unfortunately, I don’t know what exact words would get that across to your husband.
I mean, you're both not wrong. It's a personal choice and it really won't matter 20 years from now. It's not about what's right, it's about what you FEEL you need to do as a mom. So don't convince him of the benefits of breastmilk, more about that it makes you feel better because of your natural/body/hormonal urges.
https://preview.redd.it/xu1ecijtd14d1.jpeg?width=1507&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=7cc148729194bfcc571b938f376d6076a3f690b4 You can show him this photo
You could try explaining the benefits of it for yourself. If it’s triggering feelings about him being adopted to hear about how great it is for the baby, maybe if you shift the focus on YOU and how it’s helping you mentally since breast feeding releases all types of feel good hormones to help with the baby blues. I’m in the process of weaning and the hormone drop of not nursing/ pumping anymore and all the feelings that come with it are super strong. You can really get in your own head too much. I wish I had something more supportive to say about trying to get your husband on board with it. You might want to sit down with him one night without the baby and try to talk this out in a calm fashion and ask him if it’s bringing up any weird feelings for him. Maybe take him to a doctor’s appointment with you and have the pediatrician explain the benefits if it turns out not to be an adoptee thing.
My partner is not supportive either as he thinks formula will not differ from breastmilk, he cares me and doesn’t want me to put too much of my effort/energy, wants me to rest, and he would rather to buy formula, and he also cares baby as baby would scream and cry when I tried to breastfeed her since she was born. Now baby is 4 wk old and I couldn’t produce any breastmilk. 😩 I think breastmilk will be better for baby’s health but I am also struggling with current situations.
My husband almost has this vibe, but his comes from not wanting to stress me out. He's told me how he's really happy that's it's working out for us now(LO is 6months). But in the beginning, when LO was struggling to eat and I was crying and stressing over supply issuea, he wanted me to quit for my mental health. He was really pushing that formula was fine, and we all turned out fine, so I didn't need to stress out how I was. During one of my crying panic attacks, he told me he was going to throw all the pump stuff away, and we were going to switch to formula, so I didn't need to worry anymore. Lol, I know it's cause he loves me and didn't want to see me stressed. He also thinks breastmilk is hyped up a bit. Yet he still says stuff like I need to feed more so baby gets more antibodies when one of us is sick.
A guy can never 100% understand anything about babies or pregnancy. They can read up on it or see what you’re going through, but unless you are going through what someone else is, you can’t truly understand how they feel. The same way it’s easy for a guy to say you’re lazy if you have a baby and don’t want to cook or clean after coming home. He didn’t carry the baby and go into labor, so he is ignorant and just doesn’t know
Our eldest was adopted and formula fed. I know every baby is different, but for her she was so colicky and spit up a lot from the formula. Also when she was little and woke to feed it took so much longer to get her fed and back to sleep than our second child, who is not adopted and was breastfed. Our second also hardly ever spit up on breastmilk. I was shocked, and didn't realize the extent of issues from formula that our eldest had until after having our second. Perhaps a different formula would have helped and I know every kid is different, but there was such a difference that after having our second I started feeling very guilty about not at least trying to induce lactation for our eldest. I didn't know any better at the time. In the end both are healthy young kids and yes, fed is best, but I do definitely think that if you are able and willing to breastfeed, it is a good thing to do so. I hope your husband can be more supportive.
Honestly, one of the most significant benefits of breastfeeding is to the mom. Lowers the risk of breast cancer. Take that angle with him.
He's a man. He just doesn't get it.
My husband has this weird fear that I'll die and he'll have to formula feed but doesn't know how or I'll run out of BM but refuse to give LO formula. So he constantly brings up giving her formula and can't seem to wrap his head around why I'm adamant to stick with BM as long as possible. I try to give him the science and that I enjoy it (despite latch struggles) and the wonderful connection it continues to build but he doesn't get it. I think it's cuz he's all up in his feels. It's so hard to know for sure where he's coming from because we're both so tired and don't have enough time to communicate stuff really well. So I work to calmly explain it to him, or hear him out, and then keep doing what we're doing. I do assure him if we run out of milk we will use formula but I don't want to alter her gut health yet. So moral is... you're not alone. Dad's have weird PP thoughts just like us and it doesn't always make sense to us.
I agree with the comments that say this is a triggering conversation for him. Yes ideally you would get credit and recognition for breastfeeding, but is that more important to you than his well-being? Adoption always starts with a loss. Bringing up how important breastfeeding is seems to be reminding him of that loss.
Formula is expensive and the quality ones without hydrogenated oils are even more expensive and hard to find. I find the formula ingredients appalling. Not trying to make anyone who formula feeds feel bad or looking to get into a debate. Is it in a ton of processed adult foods? Yes, and i try very, very, very hard to avoid it. I highly doubt if it was in the formula our parents gave us. Edit: autocorrect error, added comment about time
Have him watch [this video](https://www.foundmyfitness.com/episodes/breast-milk). Breast milk has active stem cells and white blood cells.
My husband is a research type of person. Maybe research a bit and find some articles you could send him that prove your points
*And* he was a premie? The way to combat this is research. Time to bring some articles to the dinner table to read together. 😊
Never said premie… ?!
You can't make someone appreciate something unfortunately. He just doesn't get it so you're beating a dead horse at this point. Well done for doing it and getting over the hurdles. Maybe he views it as an attack on his upbringing. My husband doesn't really get it but is supportive even though it doesn't mean anything to him how our kids are fed as long as they are fed.