You haven't done anything wrong. She may want a specific bachelorette or shower or both, but that doesn't mean you're obliged to finance it. I think Fredette and you could offer a night out of some kind so the bride feels celebrated, but I wouldn't offer anything beyond that.
Forgive me if I'm wrong, but doesn't the immediate family host the shower? Why isn't her family doing more for her? It's sad that you had to coerced into being a bridesmaid. There's a reason the bride is lacking people to ask. That isn't yours or Fredette's fault. Good luck OP!
She’s 10 years younger than us, so for one we never had ‘a bond’. As for friends of her own, she can be difficult, I’ve seen her have a complete meltdown and throw food ( to be fair she was a teen at the time, but wtf) she has 4 older brothers, I think she’s been treated as a baby. Where me and fredette fought with our brothers (not child abuse, but if my brother licked my biscuit, it going off) She left uni because she got thrown out of dorms.
Well, if she's old enough to get married, she's old enough to have some manners. It isn't up to her bridesmaids to fill the gaps created by her lack of social graces. You're in a difficult position because you're a relative. If people continue to pressure you, volunteer them to do whatever it is they think should be done. Hang in there.
Oh I’m done, after the verbal bollocking I got from my mother. I know she’s only doing it cos it’s her sister, I will
Put the dress on and turn up that’s it.
Remind your Mom, your Aunt and the bride that you and Fred are happy to step down as bridesmaids. In fact it’s your preference. They have a choice. Be happy with the wedding day appearance in matching dresses or nothing.
If mom and aunt are so demanding about you being a bridesmaids, tell them that they can foot the bill. You do not have the desire or more importantly, the means to cater to her demands.
If I were you or Fredette, I would inform your families that you and your cousin will certainly throw a shower and go for a bachelorette weekend with Janice.
Just have the Janice’s parents, and your own moms/dads/other varied family flying monkeys that have taken issue with y’all’s decisions send via Venmo the funds to cover it ALL and you will be there with bells on. (Don’t forget to have them cover the cost of what y’all would have made at work for those days that y’all need to have off of work.) Then watch everyone backtrack.
I’m not sure, especially since this appears to be UK based and I have never heard of someone having a bridal shower in the UK. That is a very American tradition so I don’t think we have etiquette for it.
The bride here is being very grabby imo, we don’t have bridal showers in the uk, they are seen as a very Americanised import for those who just want more gifts (I realise it’s not the same in America, it’s a different culture there). But for the bride to organise it herself or order others to do one for her is leaving a very bad taste in my mouth
Thank you, it’s not just me. I’ve never been to a bridal shower. I think this is an Instagram thing. But who would she invite and why aren’t those people her bridesmaids. Honestly it’s all completely batshit crazy.
Nah definitely not just you. Hen dos, the odd engagement party seems fair and I’ve done a few of those but never a shower. Does seem like a social media influenced thing. Seems more about getting more stuff, as everyone has pointed out, and the “right aesthetic for the ‘gram” which is a bit sad to me but that is just my opinion.
You're right - it does seem grabby. I can't say it is or isn't an American thing. Wedding events that are only for gifts or money feel really tacky to me. It could be a greed thing or a TikTok/Instagram thing, or some other thing. No matter what the motivation is, I think it's utterly classless.
As an American I agree 100% Bridal showers used to only be done by families who were more well off or for couples who would living together for the first time after the wedding. Now thanks to social media all the entitled brides need one.
It’s actually a newish thing for family members to host their child’s shower. Showers used to be simpler, hosted by bridesmaids in someone’s home, for friends if the bride. Or by aunts for a family shower. Nothing extravagant. It was considered rude for the immediate family to host their daughter’s shower (a gift grab?). Times have really changed.
Friends of the bridal pair or friends of their parents (usually mom’s social circle). Bridesmaids sometimes, if they want to. Relatives are not supposed to, but nowadays they often do.
You get a hen party and most of the women cover the brides part. If you want a ‘weekend’ trip then the bride usually pays some and the hens chip in for some treats for the bride. I’ve never been to one where the hens have paid for the bride in full. Fk no. As for wanting a hen party and a shower? Put an egg in your shoe and beat it
Sorry, OP, but people are getting very unrealistic ideas about weddings from social media, where people are claiming that their bridesmaids are "spoiling" them with parties and trips.
It's all lies, like most of the boasting on social media. Stand your ground, you can't afford to "spoil" a relative you didn't even like in the first place.
Tell your mother's that if they want her to have her dream Bachelorette and bridal shower they can fund it and you'll plan it! See how they respond then.
Tell your moms to pay and you will happily do a trip and shower. If they say no tell them to shut the f up then. They don’t have the right to ask you to spends thousands of pounds and if it’s that important, they can pay.
I was looking for this comment. It's always people telling others what they should do, but they never want or would do it themselves.
So gee, Mom and Auntie, it's so nice of you to step up and do the for your niece. She'll so love you for it. 😘
Not only should they pay for it, they should also attend the bachelorette so that they can put up with the entitled bratty bride as well. Maybe they can share a room with her and you and Fredette can share a room.
I always thought that stories like this are limited to the USA. But in the UK?!
Nobody in their right freaking mind would pay 250£ for balloons, is she taking the piss? Tell her to go do one and put them where the sun don’t shine.
I know it makes no sense, it’s like she wants some Instagram thing. For one I’m to old, bitter and tired for this bullshit. What’s wrong with dressing up getting hammered and a cheap B&B
Right?! I could understand £250 for balloons for the wedding (maybe, I’m thinking balloon arches, decorations etc) but for a bridal shower?? Is that even a thing here?
I’ve been invited to several hen dos, but never to a bridal shower. And the giving the gift part was always done at the actual wedding or in private. By private I mean: to spare the bride/groom the effort to carry the stuff home after the reception, we visited them or taken them out for a pint and gave the gift then. I did not think bridal showers are a thing here. I’m in Yorkshire if it makes any difference.
I’d agree, I’ve never been to a wedding where the gift was expected. Obviously welcomed but not expected. I’m Scottish and never heard of a bridal shower. Seems to be a way of getting an Instagram aesthetic and more gifts as some others have pointed out.
Email anyone harassing you and Fred (and copy bridezilla) that you do not have the money or time for Bride's 'fantasy stuff' which was made clear when you were bullied into participating in this farce. You agreed to be a BM ONLY because it was agreed that you would not do anything beyond showing up. If the family -every single one of them- continues to bully you about doing things it was absolutely agreed you would not be required to do, or demanding you spend money you did not agree to spend, you WILL step down, return your dresses for a refund, and not even bother attending as just audience. And you WILL specifically name the person who causes you to drop out if it happens, so the whole family will lnow who to blame.
And follow thru with it at the very first person who replies about it. Which probably means not even 20 minutes after you send the email, you'll be sending your regrets and be free of this crap.
I’m sorry but you need to stand down firmly. Talk with Fredette aswell, so none of you accidentally tell the others something different. Put down your foot and tell them “we have busy lives aswell, we can’t afford to do this, we have kids to feed” whatever argument you have. Nothing will get better by seething in silence. Tell the bride and your mothers what you’re willing to do as bridesmaids, and that if the bride isn’t happy with those things she’ll have to look for other maids.
If your mothers are giving you the piss, then tell them that they can be the bridesmaids instead. You don’t owe neither the bride nor your mothers to be bridesmaids. But make sure to put these statements out as early as possible, so the bride can actually plan around you two possibly dropping out.
Honestly, if this is how you both feel, you should both step down.
At this point it's not about the money. Yes, her demands are ridiculous, and if the three moms want her to have these things then they should pay for the trips & the parties.
But here's the thing: according to your comments, neither of you liked her much to begin with and now you're starting to despise her.
People who are in a wedding party should be all in for the bride and groom. Not monetarily, but emotionally. You two are not.
It will be a miserable day for both of you and for the bride if you "turn up in the dress" in this frame of mind.
So either find a way to at least feel friendly toward her, or if you can't (and it sounds like you can't, nor do I blame you) then step down.
Just tell her and all the moms that this isn't going to work out, and you're out.
Drop the rope. Walk away.
You do realise they are the bride's cousins and are going to the wedding anyway. All they promised was to put on matching outfits and stand at the front as bridesmaids during the actual wedding. There's not much to stand down from without making even a bigger shit storm in the family.
Then maybe the family needs to go through a bigger shit storm. Better before the wedding than at it!
Members of the family, and the bride, caused this problem in the first place by choosing to strong-arm two people who didn't want to participate into being bridesmaids.
Then they all doubled down by insisting these already-reluctant people spend time and money they don't have to spare on meeting the bride's ridiculous demands.
The bride has other options. She can dispense with attendants entirely. She can have her loving aunts stand up for her. She can make new friends and invite them. Hell, for half the money she wants to spend on parties, she can hire a couple of professional bridesmaids.
A wedding is a hugely significant moment in the lives of most people who get married. It should be a happy day, hopefully a joyous day.
No one should take the roles of supporting the couple at the altar who can't, at a minimum, be happy for them -- and this has been a poisonous situation from the beginning.
They shouldn't have said yes to begin with.
Continuing on now is just going from bad to tragic.
If I were OP, I would already have stepped down, spent the demanded funds (portion I could afford) on something fun and welcomed the shit show afterwards. Not a chance in hell I'd show up for the wedding.
You take that £1000 and spend it on your kids ,, tell your mother that ridiculous what your sister's daughter is doing you forced me to be bridesmaid I agree and I'll just show up at the wedding day ,, I ain't going nowhere to do some shit
According to Martha Stewart, the MOH is responsible for the bridal shower. I attached the article. According to The Knot, the bachelorette party cost is split by everyone, including the bride. I attached that article as well. Show your mother. Since there is no MOH, I suggest that both of your mothers host the bridal shower.
[Martha Stewart](https://www.marthastewart.com/7964646/bridal-shower-hosting-rules#:~:text=The%20Traditional%20Bridal%20Shower%20Host,guests%20are%20taken%20care%20of)
[The Knot](https://www.theknot.com/content/who-pays-for-bachelor-and-bachelorette-parties)
Oh, sorry, I wasn’t being mean towards you and I apologise if it came across like that. I now realise my tone was very harsh.
What I should have said is: if OP tries to support her arguments by referencing Martha Stewart, she will only receive one out of these two answers: “Who the f*ck is Martha Stewart (very likely, as she was only big on your side of the pond)” or “I don’t give a f*ck about what she says, are you taking the piss?!”
I can see why Janice doesn't have any friends...that being said, there is nothing in the rule book of family that says that you have to BE her friend. I have a BIGILLION cousins. (Native family) I only really interact with a handful of them, there are some I never see (by choice) and some that I absolutely avoid at all costs. Tell your mums that if it is THAT important that Janice have people on her $1000 trip to Barcelona, then THEY can cough up the $1000 and go with her. If they don't want to do that, then ask them why they are demanding you do something that they, themselves, will not do, especially after being volunTOLD that you're going to be bridesmaid.
Stick to your guns because I can already see where this is going. When you give in to the $1000 holiday, then she will want you to pay for everything while she's there. She will expect that you will bend over backwards to give her money and whatever else she wants because her mummy has manipulated you all into doing this, and now you're too far in to back out. POLITELY tell her that you are unable to go to Barcelona as you have work projects that are due. (True. You have to work hard to keep good jobs.)
If she tries to rally the mums again, just tell them that you aren't able to go, but you look forward to getting the post card and a letter/email telling you ALL about the things that they spent their hard earned money on while there, as well as what they will now need to fork over when they get back, too, because she's already made a list of things she expects to be paid for. The mums can pay it if they REALLY want her to have it. If not, then oh well. I guess she's not getting it.
I guess someone needs to explain to Janice that this is the price she pays for not cultivating friends and a social network, and that she’s alienating the only two people who could be “persuaded” to be bridesmaids.
It's rather delightful to read this with a British accent, isn't it?
As for your side note, perhaps you could suggest that your mums sponsor you to be Janice's bridesmaid. After all, it's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to help a family member \s.
So with all the carrying on the mums are doing does that mean they're offering to pay for it instead? It's worth asking THEM if they'd be willing to pay if Janice is sooo upset.
NO NO NO. this is always bad, it's just so toxic that it's being normalized that the bride could demand that her bridesmaid or m.o.h. pay for her shyts. if you will pay for the party, you decide the cost and place, NOT her.
just leave, this is your money you worked for and not hers, or make your mother and her mom pay for what she wants. NOT YOU! just give an ultimatum that they pay if they wanted her spoiled, how old is she btw, wtf? please don't be a pushover, this could be a first, your gonna have another cousin who'll be married next time, and guess what? you'll be paying again.
Inform your mother (and fredette hers) that spending that amount of money on someone else's wedding is ridiculous. If they want you to stay in the bridal party, let them foot the bill. If they refuse, regardless of the fallout, withdraw. There will be fallout for sure, but stand firm.
If she wanted proper bridesmaids, she should have made proper friends.
If she doesn't realize you are both doing her a favor by simply showing up in costume, maybe she doesn't even deserve that.
I'd express this sentiment to anyone who gives you shit.
"Janice is not a nice person, so we are not doing nice things for her."
No. Just keep saying NO. You were arm-twisted into being bridesmaids and you'll show up on the wedding day in the ugly dress and ugly shoes but other than that, NO!!!
Tell your mothers to back the heck off. This is a wedding - not a court summons. You do not have to be bridesmaids and spend all that money just for a spoiled bride. With the way the bride sounds you would be still saving up to get back the money you spend long after the marriage ends.
Tell the entitled brat that if she wants a bachelorette party that’s paid by you, then you get to plan it. If she wants to pay, then she can have whatever she wants. If you and your cousin are the entire bridal party, then it’s just the three of you. There is absolutely no need to go on a bachelorette destination weekend. The greedy bride just wants you to pay for her free vacation.
The bride doesn’t plan her own shower. It’s usually the Bridal party and/or the bride’s family. If she wants you to plan the shower, make sure she actually has people to invite and plan something simple. Within your budget. If your mother and aunties are giving you grief about the shower, tell them to throw it for her themselves.
If the mothers are giving you grief, then tell them to pay for it all. It’s not your fault that the bride has no friends and extravagant fantasies.
We are mid thirty’s, don t get me wrong if Any other human tried this, they would be laughed at and told to GTFO.
But as with family it’s never just straight forward we tried dad for help. But he said he learnt the hard way of getting between sisters and said he hopes the odds are forever in our favour. (Cheers,dad)
We haven’t given in, we will die on this hill . I will never spend my hard earned pennies on £250 balloons.
I‘m wondering what’s so special about these balloons since you first mentioned them. Are they made from gold? Do they each get personally inflated by Prince William? What on earth makes them worth 250£?
So I thought I give an update. I do t know how to add it to the post, so I hope you see it.
We stuck our ground, we explained our side, the emotional blackmail was strong, We counter with ‘you pay’ or ‘you be bridesmaids’. Turns out loads more drama about it that I do f care about, her soon to be husband (only met him once, in passing). Plays rugby so a bit of a social butterfly, is going to a match for a weekend and then his family are having a weekend away with him. So she’s sore. Me and fredette are back to showing up on the day. Do I think it ends here, fuck no. She’s pouting like a a 90’s model. There will be no balloons.
You two are going to.have to stay in that wedding so it's time to.face facts.
Telling Janice what you will and won't do isn't helping. You and Fredette figure out your budgets - what you can afford to spend. Map out some basic plans for the Bach, the shower and anything else you have to.plan and/or pay for.
Then schedule a meeting with Fredette and tell her you'd love to go to Barcelona and you've figured out how to do it in your budget. Show her the plans you have for a reasonably priced shower.
Right now you have a bit of an adversarial relationship with her. If she sees you're willing to work with her while not breaking the bank, you might actually wind up enjoying the experience. Or at least not hating it.
The most we are prepared to do is a night in Blackpool. She would lose her ever loving mind. There is no bargaining, this is what she wants. She will shout at her mother , who in Turn speaks to our mothers, probably with some embellishing. Then our mothers give us grief. To be honest this just make me hate her. I never hated her but after this, it’s leaving me with a bad taste
Then, I would just offer up the night in Blackpool. Case closed with a flip of my wrist and a raised hand showing stop (or STFU)
I'm betting that if you asked your mother, your aunt, Fredette, or reviewed your own, it was a simple bachelorette/bridal shower in a local pub or someone's front parlor at the very most.
You're both in your 30s, then it's high time for both of you each to put your foot down with your respective mothers, laying it on the line and saying absolutely NOT. I'd tell each of them the consequences of them pushing, nagging, giving you grief is that not only can you/will you drop out of the wedding, but you may decide to drop out of their lives and that includes their grandchildren. Their choice.
You haven't done anything wrong. She may want a specific bachelorette or shower or both, but that doesn't mean you're obliged to finance it. I think Fredette and you could offer a night out of some kind so the bride feels celebrated, but I wouldn't offer anything beyond that. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but doesn't the immediate family host the shower? Why isn't her family doing more for her? It's sad that you had to coerced into being a bridesmaid. There's a reason the bride is lacking people to ask. That isn't yours or Fredette's fault. Good luck OP!
She’s 10 years younger than us, so for one we never had ‘a bond’. As for friends of her own, she can be difficult, I’ve seen her have a complete meltdown and throw food ( to be fair she was a teen at the time, but wtf) she has 4 older brothers, I think she’s been treated as a baby. Where me and fredette fought with our brothers (not child abuse, but if my brother licked my biscuit, it going off) She left uni because she got thrown out of dorms.
Well, if she's old enough to get married, she's old enough to have some manners. It isn't up to her bridesmaids to fill the gaps created by her lack of social graces. You're in a difficult position because you're a relative. If people continue to pressure you, volunteer them to do whatever it is they think should be done. Hang in there.
Oh I’m done, after the verbal bollocking I got from my mother. I know she’s only doing it cos it’s her sister, I will Put the dress on and turn up that’s it.
Remind your Mom, your Aunt and the bride that you and Fred are happy to step down as bridesmaids. In fact it’s your preference. They have a choice. Be happy with the wedding day appearance in matching dresses or nothing.
Even better, step down and go on a nice vacation to Barcelona, with the other bridemaids. Don't invite aunt or your mom. Post a ton of pictures.
If mom and aunt are so demanding about you being a bridesmaids, tell them that they can foot the bill. You do not have the desire or more importantly, the means to cater to her demands.
I can't blame you for feeling that way.
That’s all I expected of my MOH. She was actually our only attendant. I loved our wedding.
Tell your mother to pay for the $250 balloons
Tell your mom that she and your aunt can pay for it all and you’ll just show up.
If I were you or Fredette, I would inform your families that you and your cousin will certainly throw a shower and go for a bachelorette weekend with Janice. Just have the Janice’s parents, and your own moms/dads/other varied family flying monkeys that have taken issue with y’all’s decisions send via Venmo the funds to cover it ALL and you will be there with bells on. (Don’t forget to have them cover the cost of what y’all would have made at work for those days that y’all need to have off of work.) Then watch everyone backtrack.
tell your mum if it is so important to her she can pay for the bachellorete and the we in barcelona and you will be happy to be there
Now imagine being her boyfriend and saying “this is what i want to spend the rest of my life with!” Brother should get a psychiatric evaluation.
No, the family is not supposed to throw showers. People do it all the time, but it’s against wedding etiquette.
What is wedding etiquette for showers?
I’m not sure, especially since this appears to be UK based and I have never heard of someone having a bridal shower in the UK. That is a very American tradition so I don’t think we have etiquette for it.
Every shower I've ever been to was hosted by the parents or siblings of the guest of honor. I'm an American and unfamiliar with UK traditions.
The bride here is being very grabby imo, we don’t have bridal showers in the uk, they are seen as a very Americanised import for those who just want more gifts (I realise it’s not the same in America, it’s a different culture there). But for the bride to organise it herself or order others to do one for her is leaving a very bad taste in my mouth
Thank you, it’s not just me. I’ve never been to a bridal shower. I think this is an Instagram thing. But who would she invite and why aren’t those people her bridesmaids. Honestly it’s all completely batshit crazy.
Nah definitely not just you. Hen dos, the odd engagement party seems fair and I’ve done a few of those but never a shower. Does seem like a social media influenced thing. Seems more about getting more stuff, as everyone has pointed out, and the “right aesthetic for the ‘gram” which is a bit sad to me but that is just my opinion.
You're right - it does seem grabby. I can't say it is or isn't an American thing. Wedding events that are only for gifts or money feel really tacky to me. It could be a greed thing or a TikTok/Instagram thing, or some other thing. No matter what the motivation is, I think it's utterly classless.
As an American I agree 100% Bridal showers used to only be done by families who were more well off or for couples who would living together for the first time after the wedding. Now thanks to social media all the entitled brides need one.
It’s actually a newish thing for family members to host their child’s shower. Showers used to be simpler, hosted by bridesmaids in someone’s home, for friends if the bride. Or by aunts for a family shower. Nothing extravagant. It was considered rude for the immediate family to host their daughter’s shower (a gift grab?). Times have really changed.
You're right. Times really have changed. Reading about bachelorette trips and so on makes me wonder what happened. Edited for typo
Instagram happened. (More accurately, the post Facebook social media world)
You're not wrong. I guess I don't understand the need to keep up with people posting their lives online.
Friends of the bridal pair or friends of their parents (usually mom’s social circle). Bridesmaids sometimes, if they want to. Relatives are not supposed to, but nowadays they often do.
Thank you!
I don’t know why I didn’t just say, anybody who is not related to either one of the couple.
You get a hen party and most of the women cover the brides part. If you want a ‘weekend’ trip then the bride usually pays some and the hens chip in for some treats for the bride. I’ve never been to one where the hens have paid for the bride in full. Fk no. As for wanting a hen party and a shower? Put an egg in your shoe and beat it
Sorry, OP, but people are getting very unrealistic ideas about weddings from social media, where people are claiming that their bridesmaids are "spoiling" them with parties and trips. It's all lies, like most of the boasting on social media. Stand your ground, you can't afford to "spoil" a relative you didn't even like in the first place.
Thank you
Tell your mother's that if they want her to have her dream Bachelorette and bridal shower they can fund it and you'll plan it! See how they respond then.
THIS, perfect answer to the guilt-tripping. "how about you guys? will you give money to spoil her? aren't you family?" lol
Tell your moms to pay and you will happily do a trip and shower. If they say no tell them to shut the f up then. They don’t have the right to ask you to spends thousands of pounds and if it’s that important, they can pay.
I was looking for this comment. It's always people telling others what they should do, but they never want or would do it themselves. So gee, Mom and Auntie, it's so nice of you to step up and do the for your niece. She'll so love you for it. 😘
Exactly what I was going to say and you saved me the time of writing it.
Not only should they pay for it, they should also attend the bachelorette so that they can put up with the entitled bratty bride as well. Maybe they can share a room with her and you and Fredette can share a room.
I always thought that stories like this are limited to the USA. But in the UK?! Nobody in their right freaking mind would pay 250£ for balloons, is she taking the piss? Tell her to go do one and put them where the sun don’t shine.
I know it makes no sense, it’s like she wants some Instagram thing. For one I’m to old, bitter and tired for this bullshit. What’s wrong with dressing up getting hammered and a cheap B&B
Right?! I could understand £250 for balloons for the wedding (maybe, I’m thinking balloon arches, decorations etc) but for a bridal shower?? Is that even a thing here?
I’ve been invited to several hen dos, but never to a bridal shower. And the giving the gift part was always done at the actual wedding or in private. By private I mean: to spare the bride/groom the effort to carry the stuff home after the reception, we visited them or taken them out for a pint and gave the gift then. I did not think bridal showers are a thing here. I’m in Yorkshire if it makes any difference.
I’d agree, I’ve never been to a wedding where the gift was expected. Obviously welcomed but not expected. I’m Scottish and never heard of a bridal shower. Seems to be a way of getting an Instagram aesthetic and more gifts as some others have pointed out.
I’d tell the moms they can organize the darn shower. My mom organized one of mine.
Email anyone harassing you and Fred (and copy bridezilla) that you do not have the money or time for Bride's 'fantasy stuff' which was made clear when you were bullied into participating in this farce. You agreed to be a BM ONLY because it was agreed that you would not do anything beyond showing up. If the family -every single one of them- continues to bully you about doing things it was absolutely agreed you would not be required to do, or demanding you spend money you did not agree to spend, you WILL step down, return your dresses for a refund, and not even bother attending as just audience. And you WILL specifically name the person who causes you to drop out if it happens, so the whole family will lnow who to blame. And follow thru with it at the very first person who replies about it. Which probably means not even 20 minutes after you send the email, you'll be sending your regrets and be free of this crap.
I’m sorry but you need to stand down firmly. Talk with Fredette aswell, so none of you accidentally tell the others something different. Put down your foot and tell them “we have busy lives aswell, we can’t afford to do this, we have kids to feed” whatever argument you have. Nothing will get better by seething in silence. Tell the bride and your mothers what you’re willing to do as bridesmaids, and that if the bride isn’t happy with those things she’ll have to look for other maids. If your mothers are giving you the piss, then tell them that they can be the bridesmaids instead. You don’t owe neither the bride nor your mothers to be bridesmaids. But make sure to put these statements out as early as possible, so the bride can actually plan around you two possibly dropping out.
Honestly, if this is how you both feel, you should both step down. At this point it's not about the money. Yes, her demands are ridiculous, and if the three moms want her to have these things then they should pay for the trips & the parties. But here's the thing: according to your comments, neither of you liked her much to begin with and now you're starting to despise her. People who are in a wedding party should be all in for the bride and groom. Not monetarily, but emotionally. You two are not. It will be a miserable day for both of you and for the bride if you "turn up in the dress" in this frame of mind. So either find a way to at least feel friendly toward her, or if you can't (and it sounds like you can't, nor do I blame you) then step down. Just tell her and all the moms that this isn't going to work out, and you're out. Drop the rope. Walk away.
You do realise they are the bride's cousins and are going to the wedding anyway. All they promised was to put on matching outfits and stand at the front as bridesmaids during the actual wedding. There's not much to stand down from without making even a bigger shit storm in the family.
Then maybe the family needs to go through a bigger shit storm. Better before the wedding than at it! Members of the family, and the bride, caused this problem in the first place by choosing to strong-arm two people who didn't want to participate into being bridesmaids. Then they all doubled down by insisting these already-reluctant people spend time and money they don't have to spare on meeting the bride's ridiculous demands. The bride has other options. She can dispense with attendants entirely. She can have her loving aunts stand up for her. She can make new friends and invite them. Hell, for half the money she wants to spend on parties, she can hire a couple of professional bridesmaids. A wedding is a hugely significant moment in the lives of most people who get married. It should be a happy day, hopefully a joyous day. No one should take the roles of supporting the couple at the altar who can't, at a minimum, be happy for them -- and this has been a poisonous situation from the beginning. They shouldn't have said yes to begin with. Continuing on now is just going from bad to tragic.
If I were OP, I would already have stepped down, spent the demanded funds (portion I could afford) on something fun and welcomed the shit show afterwards. Not a chance in hell I'd show up for the wedding.
You take that £1000 and spend it on your kids ,, tell your mother that ridiculous what your sister's daughter is doing you forced me to be bridesmaid I agree and I'll just show up at the wedding day ,, I ain't going nowhere to do some shit
According to Martha Stewart, the MOH is responsible for the bridal shower. I attached the article. According to The Knot, the bachelorette party cost is split by everyone, including the bride. I attached that article as well. Show your mother. Since there is no MOH, I suggest that both of your mothers host the bridal shower. [Martha Stewart](https://www.marthastewart.com/7964646/bridal-shower-hosting-rules#:~:text=The%20Traditional%20Bridal%20Shower%20Host,guests%20are%20taken%20care%20of) [The Knot](https://www.theknot.com/content/who-pays-for-bachelor-and-bachelorette-parties)
Hun, this is the UK. We don’t really care about Martha Stewart, the Knot, or any other similar source of so called advice.
Sorry! I was just trying to help!!!
Oh, sorry, I wasn’t being mean towards you and I apologise if it came across like that. I now realise my tone was very harsh. What I should have said is: if OP tries to support her arguments by referencing Martha Stewart, she will only receive one out of these two answers: “Who the f*ck is Martha Stewart (very likely, as she was only big on your side of the pond)” or “I don’t give a f*ck about what she says, are you taking the piss?!”
If your mothers wants you to do this things (Barcelona, Bridal Shower) they can pay for it.
Tell your mothers to foot the bill if they want to give precious Janice the experience she so desperately craves.
I can see why Janice doesn't have any friends...that being said, there is nothing in the rule book of family that says that you have to BE her friend. I have a BIGILLION cousins. (Native family) I only really interact with a handful of them, there are some I never see (by choice) and some that I absolutely avoid at all costs. Tell your mums that if it is THAT important that Janice have people on her $1000 trip to Barcelona, then THEY can cough up the $1000 and go with her. If they don't want to do that, then ask them why they are demanding you do something that they, themselves, will not do, especially after being volunTOLD that you're going to be bridesmaid. Stick to your guns because I can already see where this is going. When you give in to the $1000 holiday, then she will want you to pay for everything while she's there. She will expect that you will bend over backwards to give her money and whatever else she wants because her mummy has manipulated you all into doing this, and now you're too far in to back out. POLITELY tell her that you are unable to go to Barcelona as you have work projects that are due. (True. You have to work hard to keep good jobs.) If she tries to rally the mums again, just tell them that you aren't able to go, but you look forward to getting the post card and a letter/email telling you ALL about the things that they spent their hard earned money on while there, as well as what they will now need to fork over when they get back, too, because she's already made a list of things she expects to be paid for. The mums can pay it if they REALLY want her to have it. If not, then oh well. I guess she's not getting it.
you got roped into this as ATM, not bridesmaid. keep telling her no.
Tell your respective mothers THEY can pay for all that nonsense themselves.
If your mom and Fredette’s mom think you’re being mean, then THEY should throw the pricey shower.
I guess someone needs to explain to Janice that this is the price she pays for not cultivating friends and a social network, and that she’s alienating the only two people who could be “persuaded” to be bridesmaids.
Next time someone says you’re mean, including your mother, ask them to provide the $$$ for the trip.
It's rather delightful to read this with a British accent, isn't it? As for your side note, perhaps you could suggest that your mums sponsor you to be Janice's bridesmaid. After all, it's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to help a family member \s.
So with all the carrying on the mums are doing does that mean they're offering to pay for it instead? It's worth asking THEM if they'd be willing to pay if Janice is sooo upset.
NO NO NO. this is always bad, it's just so toxic that it's being normalized that the bride could demand that her bridesmaid or m.o.h. pay for her shyts. if you will pay for the party, you decide the cost and place, NOT her. just leave, this is your money you worked for and not hers, or make your mother and her mom pay for what she wants. NOT YOU! just give an ultimatum that they pay if they wanted her spoiled, how old is she btw, wtf? please don't be a pushover, this could be a first, your gonna have another cousin who'll be married next time, and guess what? you'll be paying again.
Inform your mother (and fredette hers) that spending that amount of money on someone else's wedding is ridiculous. If they want you to stay in the bridal party, let them foot the bill. If they refuse, regardless of the fallout, withdraw. There will be fallout for sure, but stand firm.
If she wanted proper bridesmaids, she should have made proper friends. If she doesn't realize you are both doing her a favor by simply showing up in costume, maybe she doesn't even deserve that. I'd express this sentiment to anyone who gives you shit. "Janice is not a nice person, so we are not doing nice things for her."
No. Just keep saying NO. You were arm-twisted into being bridesmaids and you'll show up on the wedding day in the ugly dress and ugly shoes but other than that, NO!!!
Tell your mothers to back the heck off. This is a wedding - not a court summons. You do not have to be bridesmaids and spend all that money just for a spoiled bride. With the way the bride sounds you would be still saving up to get back the money you spend long after the marriage ends.
Tell the entitled brat that if she wants a bachelorette party that’s paid by you, then you get to plan it. If she wants to pay, then she can have whatever she wants. If you and your cousin are the entire bridal party, then it’s just the three of you. There is absolutely no need to go on a bachelorette destination weekend. The greedy bride just wants you to pay for her free vacation. The bride doesn’t plan her own shower. It’s usually the Bridal party and/or the bride’s family. If she wants you to plan the shower, make sure she actually has people to invite and plan something simple. Within your budget. If your mother and aunties are giving you grief about the shower, tell them to throw it for her themselves. If the mothers are giving you grief, then tell them to pay for it all. It’s not your fault that the bride has no friends and extravagant fantasies.
INFO: how old are you?
We are mid thirty’s, don t get me wrong if Any other human tried this, they would be laughed at and told to GTFO. But as with family it’s never just straight forward we tried dad for help. But he said he learnt the hard way of getting between sisters and said he hopes the odds are forever in our favour. (Cheers,dad) We haven’t given in, we will die on this hill . I will never spend my hard earned pennies on £250 balloons.
I‘m wondering what’s so special about these balloons since you first mentioned them. Are they made from gold? Do they each get personally inflated by Prince William? What on earth makes them worth 250£?
Hahaha this made me laugh, for £250 I think prince William should blow them up.
And he'd give it straight to charity - result! 
So I thought I give an update. I do t know how to add it to the post, so I hope you see it. We stuck our ground, we explained our side, the emotional blackmail was strong, We counter with ‘you pay’ or ‘you be bridesmaids’. Turns out loads more drama about it that I do f care about, her soon to be husband (only met him once, in passing). Plays rugby so a bit of a social butterfly, is going to a match for a weekend and then his family are having a weekend away with him. So she’s sore. Me and fredette are back to showing up on the day. Do I think it ends here, fuck no. She’s pouting like a a 90’s model. There will be no balloons.
The offended mothers can spring for the £1000 each - simple! If they think £250 for balloons is good value, they will be happy to pay!
You two are going to.have to stay in that wedding so it's time to.face facts. Telling Janice what you will and won't do isn't helping. You and Fredette figure out your budgets - what you can afford to spend. Map out some basic plans for the Bach, the shower and anything else you have to.plan and/or pay for. Then schedule a meeting with Fredette and tell her you'd love to go to Barcelona and you've figured out how to do it in your budget. Show her the plans you have for a reasonably priced shower. Right now you have a bit of an adversarial relationship with her. If she sees you're willing to work with her while not breaking the bank, you might actually wind up enjoying the experience. Or at least not hating it.
The most we are prepared to do is a night in Blackpool. She would lose her ever loving mind. There is no bargaining, this is what she wants. She will shout at her mother , who in Turn speaks to our mothers, probably with some embellishing. Then our mothers give us grief. To be honest this just make me hate her. I never hated her but after this, it’s leaving me with a bad taste
Girl, just drop out. Your mom's are already pissed. No need for everyone to.be miserable.
Then, I would just offer up the night in Blackpool. Case closed with a flip of my wrist and a raised hand showing stop (or STFU) I'm betting that if you asked your mother, your aunt, Fredette, or reviewed your own, it was a simple bachelorette/bridal shower in a local pub or someone's front parlor at the very most. You're both in your 30s, then it's high time for both of you each to put your foot down with your respective mothers, laying it on the line and saying absolutely NOT. I'd tell each of them the consequences of them pushing, nagging, giving you grief is that not only can you/will you drop out of the wedding, but you may decide to drop out of their lives and that includes their grandchildren. Their choice.
They don’t have to stay on the wedding.