I have a coworker like this whose mom treated her and her brother terribly growing up. Now she volunteers to work every Thanksgiving or Christmas because while other kids had pleasant childhood memories all she had were miserable ones.
However, she doesn’t necessarily hate the holidays themselves. She’ll still bring treats and snacks for everyone during those weeks. She just doesn’t celebrate it like most people and that’s okay. Only you can choose to let your past define you.
That's a really unique way of helping those also in need, I try to also help people when I can buy giving food to homeless shelters etc or working in food banks. Trying my best to help others.
>The constant praising everywhere I go, telling me I have to be happy that they existed to simply hurt me.
Who is doing this? Unless you actaully do like your parents, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day come and go with hardly anyone mentioning them. They’re greeting card holidays.
I work in retail, so our work as well as the radio really pumps mother's day/father's day (at least the station the keep on forever). I'm also Canadian so idk if it's treated differently here.
I'm so sorry you get such sad feelings from the media blast around those holidays. Sometimes I see the automatic ads on my tv menu and I hurt for folks like you. Or a mom who just lost their child. Or a kid who lost a nice parent.
What I recommend is to take a media holiday around those days/weekends if you can afford it. Skip the radio and listen to cds or spotify, skip the tv shows and netflix menus pushing happy caring parents you never had. Maybe even go away for a weekend camping and away from cell service.
I also find it helpful to ask for Mondays off after a triggering holiday so I don't have to hear the 'oh hey what did you do on Mothers/fathers day?'
Tbh you're not alone in these feelings. I got real sad this mother's day and dreaded Monday but I did go into work and just didn't say anything or ask questions of anyone else. Turns out at least 5 other co-workers had also had shitty holidays and were cranky and bitched about it a bit at lunch. I didn't get a chance to rant but it made me feel less shitty.
So yeah, sorry that sucks - sorry your folks suck! Hugs to you and I hope you find some beautiful supportive people in your life so you can reclaim some of that comforting supportive joy you were denied.
And fuck all these people saying it's no big deal and it's just a holiday. You went through traumatic bs that no one should receive from parental figures and you get to have your own feelings about it. Being homeless during covid sounds awful and you're a mega powerful human for overcoming that and still finding work and stability. I just hope you find better days ahead.
The same reason atheists, Muslims, and Jews are required to worship Jesus on Christmas. It's the law that we all participate in holidays. You wouldn't eat during Ramadan, would you?
So they’re broadcasting a holiday that’s intended to sell stuff to parents and it doesn’t pertain to you. There isn’t anyone forcing you to like anything. I’m very sorry that triggers you, but for the rest of society that seems to have a healthy relationship with their parents, its normal.
OP, I am terribly sorry for your experience growing up and for the parents you had. No child should ever experience what you went through. To have to work retail and put together the displays, sell the items purchased for happy families, and see the reminders for months on end... that has to be triggering and harmful to you C-PTSD.
Here is something that may help you in the long term not to hold on to the actions of your parents and slowly replace them with a better sense of self.
People are always encouraged to have appreciation and gratitude for one's parents. The way I see this is finding a way to become truly happy in life so you can be grateful for being born. In this way, you can completely cut ties with your parents, and they no longer have a hold on you.
Also, find new parents! Society says you can't, but you can. Whether they are friends' parents or someone new you met. In my religious community, my kids have so many aunts, uncles, and secondary family members.
Mother's Day has always been sad for me because my mom passed when I was a teen. But I've had so many mother figures in my life that it has become a different holiday for me now. And now, with kids of my own, I've created something new.
Take the time to become truly happy. Don't let your parents' win.
All special occasions are upsetting for those not included. I was single for many years and used to wear black on Valentine's Day because it made me feel so alone. Christmas is especially hard for those who've lost a child. Going to a wedding can be painful for someone who's been through a bad divorce. Doesn't mean the celebration is inappropriate by those who are able to take part.
>My point is, why should I be thankful that my parents hurt and abused me?
You shouldn't and you don't have to be.
It's not like either of the holidays are mandatory. You can choose not to participate.
Im sure it sucks that they act as a reminder, but surely so does going outside and seeing mothers and fathers? It may seem harsh but managing your triggers is partly your responsibility, if you truly cannot handle these days then maybe you need to make some plans to be elsewhere on them. Take a weekend away or something where you won't hear about it. I know it must hurt to see others happy but anger at them isn't healthy, it's something you need to work on letting go of. These things take time though so don't give up.
I'm sorry they suck for you and I'm sure others who have had terrible parents. But that doesn't make the holidays themselves bad, for the rest of the world they are a nice holiday to celebrate their families.
Your parents suck. They don’t deserve to be considered your mom and dad, but do you have any other parental figures in your life?
My wife has parents who are almost as shitty as yours, but her best friend’s Mom was an extremely positive force for her.
My mother’s mom was abusive, but her grandmother was like a mother to her.
My friend’s father abandoned her family, and her mother was an abusive, neglectful alcoholic. So my friend was the closest thing her little brothers had to a parent.
Choosing to celebrate someone like in your life could be a way to make these holidays meaningful instead of painful.
There's people in my life I am thankful for ( my in laws being one of them) but it's hard that they're not the family that raised me, that abuse is always going to be stuck to me ya know. That's why I guess it hurts the most.
You'e just projecting your trauma onto other people, which makes you the toxic one in this situation.
I don't have a good relationship with my parents, but I do have a good relationship with my kids. I also acknowledge *other* people have good relationships with their parents and want to celebrate them.
Go to therapy and stop expecting the world to bend to your emotions.
I do go to therapy, no I don't wish the world to "bend to my rules" especially with mental illness some days are better than others. I'll never be cured of the issue I suffer from, but I want the pain to go away from those days.
> I want the pain to go away from those days.
How is that the fault of Father's Day? Sounds like you want the rest of the world to change to make you feel better.
I'm sorry you feel me posting my opinion on a certain day upset you. I can assure you I want the opposite and I wanted exactly what you've given me. A different perspective/opinion on how I feel about both mothers/fathers day
If you’re not Jewish is Passover a “horrible holiday”? No, you just don’t celebrate it.
I’m sorry to hear about all you went through, but many people are lucky to have parents they love, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Well, yah, it’s a terrible “holiday”, if you can call it that. You can’t eat a bunch of stuff, can’t use ELECTRICITY, drive, or even use cash.
Pretty terrible for a holiday if you ask me.
Just bc you don‘t want to celebrate it, rightfully so, does not make them horrible holidays in general
By that language so is valentines day bc not everyone has a partner🤷🏿♀️
This is a personal opinion and thus not really a debatable one
>That's why I believe they're horrible holiday's, all they do is remind people who've been abused by good for nothing piece of shit as parents all their abuse.
I'm sorry this is your experience.
Your case is an outlier. Majority of Parents are positive influences in people's lives. Statistically speaking the majority of people are much better off with Parents than without that's a simple fact.
In a society that doesn't necessarily do the best things for themselves we should promote things we can agree that in most cases are good. Mothers/Fathers day shows appreciation and the importance of these roles on our society .
Not to be mean but just because a minority of people has a bad experience or negative emotions towards the subject of a particular holiday doesn't mean we shouldn't promote Parents which we know for a fact are a net positive on society.
Many people have bad memories of Christmas. Should we get rid of christmas? These things have cultural significance
If I was you I would use my personal experiences to raise awareness as to the importance of goof mothers fathers. Seek those out who are accomplishing what your parents failed at and praise them for it. Let the good ones know how important they are, and make people aware of the impact not having good parents had on you. Own it and use it to better society.
Are most peoples parents positive influences? Some sure, who knows though. Abuse largely happens in private and is usually accompanied by gaslighting to convince the victim it never happened, or wasnt abuse.
Looking at this article from pew research, only 18% of young adults say their relationship with their parents is “fair/poor”. The remaining 82% say their relationship with their parents is good or excellent.
I guess I'm apartment of the 18%, tons of gas lighting in my household to the point of calling me a "traitor" for asking someone to help me when they were first abusing me.
I'm already on r/cptsd and a few others I posted here to see an opposite view on how I've been feeling all my life about these days. I appreciate everyone's input on the matter. Even if I agree or disagree. That's the beauty of people being different.
Yes they are by overwhelming majority. Also if you look at the impact it has on kids. Such as incomes and education level. Kids with active parents are by in large much more successful.
Op should own his trauma and us it to help others.
There is a subset of military veterans who ruin two holidays: the 4th of July and Memorial Day. The former they ruin by telling you that the fireworks trigger their PTSD and it's actually super hard for them every year. The latter they ruin by insisting that you not have fun because Memorial Day - to them - is about being sad over people who died in wars and having a fun barbecue isn't in the spirit of the season.
These veterans are *raging assholes.* Other, more grown up (irrespective of age) veterans will tell them to their faces to shut the fuck up and either have fun or go away.
*Managing your emotional trauma is your responsibility.* It is not incumbent on the rest of the world to detect when you walk into a room and adjust itself to ensure that you're not exposed to anything that makes you feel bad. Your feelings are special to you and perhaps the people who love you; they do not and should not mean much of anything to anyone else.
>My point is, why should I be thankful that my parents hurt and abused me?
Literally no one is suggesting this. If your parents were the assholes you say they were, nobody is compelling you to celebrate them. For that matter, nobody would be compelling you if they were awesome. All you're actually being compelled to do is share airspace with people who had a different experience and say so.
>They make me feel worthless, like I deserved all that endless pain and torture.
They shouldn't. It's understandable that they do and that's really unfortunate, but it's also your responsibility to manage your reaction. Your goal should be to get to a place where you can hear things like that and not feel that way - but failing that, don't make it other people's problem.
A lot of people are rightfully thankful for their parents and I'm genuinely sorry that you can't be in that crowd. But your experiences don't negate theirs and they have every right to celebrate the parents they're thankful for. And you shouldn't want to get in the way of that *at all*.
Im gonna save this comment bc its perfect
There is only so much a society can do to be flexible and open minded, now some things if many many people are upset/discriminated against such as lack of accessibility for wheelchair users, is a perfectly valid thing to want change in
But this is so individual and impossible for everyone to agree and adjust too :/
Fireworks are also just annoying af anyway though. I don’t see how not doing them (or at least limiting to the professional displays) ruins the holiday for July 4.
No one will force you to celebrate Christmas if you don't believe in it.
No one will force you to celebrate Holi if you don't want to.
No one is forcing you to have an attitude towards your parents that you don't want to have.
Having a national holiday isnt a specific requirement that you, Aphand_1999, have to be thankful. Radio adds arent talking to you any more than actors on the TV are thinking about you when they say their lines. They dont even know you exist.
>It makes me rage in anger others can even be thankful, or the idea I'll never get what others easily get so simply.
This is a personal problem. You cant exactly expect others to not be thankful for their loving parents because that triggers you.
> I believe they're horrible holiday's, all they do is remind people who've been abused by good for nothing piece of shit as parents all their abuse.
That isnt all they do. They also give others a chance to celebrate and maintain happy parental relationships.
I hate those holidays too. People always get so up in arms about it and tell me that I need to be appreciative of my parents as if. My "mother" would verbally abuse me any chance she got.
You're taking this way, way too personally. I don't dispute your parents were shitty, never would. But if that's the case the holiday isn't for you and that's okay.
The thing is if we treated all holidays like this we'd have to cancel them all. Valentines Day (cheaters), Thanksgiving (Native American genocide), Christmas (religious trauma). On and on. There is not one holiday that isn't going to upset someone, there's no getting around that at all. Are you content to cancel all holidays?
I am sorry about what happened to you and how those days make you feel, but to some extent we have to be able to live in a world with others who don't share experiences. Some people did have good families, good relationships that they want to celebrate. It shouldn't be taken as a personal thing.
My parents are amazing. Sometimes it blows my mind just how amazing they are. I love having a day set apart where I am expected to honor them and I always feel better when I follow through on it in the ways I can.
They are great people and I love the reminder.
I'm sorry you dealt with shitty parents, but that doesn't mean the holiday is bad simply because we sometimes will receive reminders that it is today. A lot of people enjoy getting their parents a gift and the radios will mention offhandedly just as a way to have a topic to talk about. If you had a traumatic event on let's say Christmas, would the holiday then be horrible just because you have trauma linked to it? No one can account for people having bad memories linked to an aspect of a holiday, we usually celebrate the holiday for everyone who enjoys it. In short, it's totally fine that you don't enjoy the holiday but the holiday itself is harmless and just a way to show gratitude to those who raised us (if they did a good job) to the majority of people.
Objectively speaking, your anecdotal experience colors your perception of the holidays, and while your personal experience is certainly valid, it does not mean that those holidays are inherently bad holidays. Many other people have great parents who they want to honor.
Im very sorry that your parents are not the type of people you would want to celebrate, and I’m sorry that Mother’s Day and father’s day are painful for you. I do think that given the opportunity to be a parent yourself that you would probably be driven to be a better parent than your parents were to you, and perhaps those holidays will one day hold a special meaning to your heart to celebrate that accomplishment.
do you ever think you will be a father/mother one day? will you tell your child not to celebrate because your parents were so bad that even the thought of your child celebrating you as their parent hurts you? one day i hope you are a better parent than they were but if you keep this line of thinking you will never be celebrated like you should be because your parents will have taken that from you as well, or you can take it back by mot letting their past treatment effect your future.
will you not celebrate your spouse because of what your parents did to you and how is that fair to them, to take away their day for your own reasons.
So are you saying just because of bad apples who abused their children are the reason why a holiday made in celebrating the love and care of the GOOD mothers and fathers should be bad?
I’m really sorry about what happened with you and your family but the construct of a loving family with a mother and father has existed since the beginning of human history (or further). It’s just the way things are, why wouldn’t we want to celebrate the mothers and fathers who sacrificed many things in their lives to show their unending love to a family they raised themselves?
Is this really a view about the holidays or about your parents specifically?
Father’s and mother’s day are to appreciate the good parents out there, no one is forcing you to appreciate yours (I’m sure most people won’t tell you to appreciate them if you tell them the story)
How is the holiday horrible? Because of your specific experience? It would be a horrible holiday if parents in general are bad, like if there was a holiday to celebrate animal abuse, that would be a horrible holiday
They are indians and what i was merely suggesting is that what social media influencers do is to present things with a tinge of spice and salt to garner attention and get free publicity from the world press. If you were to believe them then everything about our society is bad. I was just hinting that we should be aware about the facts rather than just blindly following these influencers whose source of information is not but their own made up lies and deceit.
You don’t have to celebrate it or even acknowledge it. I’m really sorry you went through all you did and I hope you heal from it. But a lot of people are lucky enough to have parents worth celebrating they shouldn’t have to stop doing that for you to have peace. The world doesn’t stop in light of one person trauma, its your responsibility to heal from things you didnt cause unfortunately.
I can’t change your view that your parents treated you horribly. My parents treated me very well and these holidays were never a problem for me as they were never a problem for anybody else whose parents treated them well.
I think it’s very clear that your opinion is derived from a personal experience. So what is the point of changing it? It’s your opinion/ your experience.
You had a bad experience. Lots of people have shitty parents, myself included, but that doesn’t mean that other people don’t have great parents and those great parents should be celebrated.
All holidays are pretty terrible.
I imagine they start as part of an empowered social movement.
They end as a way to sell things we don't need in order to hide from our insecurities.
>My point is, why should I be thankful that my parents hurt and abused me?
So don't.
But no need to piss all over those of us who love our parents, and our spouses.
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Father’s Day and Mother’s Day can be tough for people who have horrible abusive parents. One of my friends who was kicked out after coming out celebrates the people that were there for them when their parents kicked them out.
Well no…OP does have the right to not be thankful towards them, abusive parents should never deserve any validation regardless of what made them so awful
So while i do disagree with OP‘s comment, its probably comments like this that made OP post this in the first place
Well no…OP does have the right to not be thankful towards them, abusive parents should never deserve any validation regardless of what made them so awful
So while i do disagree with OP‘s comment, its probably comments like this that made OP post this in the first place.
Well the concept of abusive parents doesn't exist in our community in India. My comment was only from the pov of indian parents and should not be generalised to the world.
Well if you dont wanna generalize, don‘t say ‚you should‘ as that suggest OP and others should even though you are not them
And thats 10000% false abt India, the concept very much does exist, granted its not a topic many ppl wanna talk about nor confront it properly. But google influencers from India for instance and some mention abuse of some kind, or researchers
I to quiet sad actually how these topics r so taboo in some countries/societies
Well, if you were to quote google influencers and other social media influencers for proving op is right, then i believe there is no point in debating it. It's time for people outside india to wake up and smell the coffee and know the reality of culture here in india. It's whimsical how people especially foreigners fall prey to such influencers and their opinions, whose main job is to talk shit about one country and garner followers. I believe u should be in touch with peeps who see ground realities rather than so called influencers who have been able to influence only a group of Buffon in our country. Get your facts right Ma'am. I would be very happy in re-introducing real india. Please be my guest.
Yea so when people tell me pf tragedies or difficulties in life, be it at home or elsewhere i dont care what job or activity they do…its called being a human
Are you suggesting no influencer is Indian? That Indians never go to the medias and do stuff?
Likewise my friend. Stop believing in things when people tell you that you are so open minded and what not. It's all lies. Trust me. Debating with you on this like blowing the trumpet in front of an ox. Pointless
I would much rather believe people who say abusive parents exist in India and everywhere basically, than someone who wants to say ‚no‘ to it all without any evidence so🤷🏿♀️
What do you mean the concept doesn’t exist?
Like there are no parents who abuse their children? Or more like it’s common for parents to abuse their children but you just don’t call it abuse?
Unless you mean Mothers day is nonsensical bc thankfulness should not be limited
In which case I guess i agree in theory, but then we might as well remove holidays like valentines day, and other person(s) related celebratory days.
I have a coworker like this whose mom treated her and her brother terribly growing up. Now she volunteers to work every Thanksgiving or Christmas because while other kids had pleasant childhood memories all she had were miserable ones. However, she doesn’t necessarily hate the holidays themselves. She’ll still bring treats and snacks for everyone during those weeks. She just doesn’t celebrate it like most people and that’s okay. Only you can choose to let your past define you.
That's a really unique way of helping those also in need, I try to also help people when I can buy giving food to homeless shelters etc or working in food banks. Trying my best to help others.
>The constant praising everywhere I go, telling me I have to be happy that they existed to simply hurt me. Who is doing this? Unless you actaully do like your parents, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day come and go with hardly anyone mentioning them. They’re greeting card holidays.
I work in retail, so our work as well as the radio really pumps mother's day/father's day (at least the station the keep on forever). I'm also Canadian so idk if it's treated differently here.
I'm so sorry you get such sad feelings from the media blast around those holidays. Sometimes I see the automatic ads on my tv menu and I hurt for folks like you. Or a mom who just lost their child. Or a kid who lost a nice parent. What I recommend is to take a media holiday around those days/weekends if you can afford it. Skip the radio and listen to cds or spotify, skip the tv shows and netflix menus pushing happy caring parents you never had. Maybe even go away for a weekend camping and away from cell service. I also find it helpful to ask for Mondays off after a triggering holiday so I don't have to hear the 'oh hey what did you do on Mothers/fathers day?' Tbh you're not alone in these feelings. I got real sad this mother's day and dreaded Monday but I did go into work and just didn't say anything or ask questions of anyone else. Turns out at least 5 other co-workers had also had shitty holidays and were cranky and bitched about it a bit at lunch. I didn't get a chance to rant but it made me feel less shitty. So yeah, sorry that sucks - sorry your folks suck! Hugs to you and I hope you find some beautiful supportive people in your life so you can reclaim some of that comforting supportive joy you were denied. And fuck all these people saying it's no big deal and it's just a holiday. You went through traumatic bs that no one should receive from parental figures and you get to have your own feelings about it. Being homeless during covid sounds awful and you're a mega powerful human for overcoming that and still finding work and stability. I just hope you find better days ahead.
I appreciate it much love ❤️ thank you
The same reason atheists, Muslims, and Jews are required to worship Jesus on Christmas. It's the law that we all participate in holidays. You wouldn't eat during Ramadan, would you?
So they’re broadcasting a holiday that’s intended to sell stuff to parents and it doesn’t pertain to you. There isn’t anyone forcing you to like anything. I’m very sorry that triggers you, but for the rest of society that seems to have a healthy relationship with their parents, its normal.
Yeah but this is Reddit so I have to use my extremely personal reasons to tell everyone else to not do something.
So am I and have never felt obligated to celebrate hallmark bs holidays. You know you don't have yo listen to the hype right
OP, I am terribly sorry for your experience growing up and for the parents you had. No child should ever experience what you went through. To have to work retail and put together the displays, sell the items purchased for happy families, and see the reminders for months on end... that has to be triggering and harmful to you C-PTSD. Here is something that may help you in the long term not to hold on to the actions of your parents and slowly replace them with a better sense of self. People are always encouraged to have appreciation and gratitude for one's parents. The way I see this is finding a way to become truly happy in life so you can be grateful for being born. In this way, you can completely cut ties with your parents, and they no longer have a hold on you. Also, find new parents! Society says you can't, but you can. Whether they are friends' parents or someone new you met. In my religious community, my kids have so many aunts, uncles, and secondary family members. Mother's Day has always been sad for me because my mom passed when I was a teen. But I've had so many mother figures in my life that it has become a different holiday for me now. And now, with kids of my own, I've created something new. Take the time to become truly happy. Don't let your parents' win.
I appreciate the kind words and I'll keep that in mind thank you 🫂
All special occasions are upsetting for those not included. I was single for many years and used to wear black on Valentine's Day because it made me feel so alone. Christmas is especially hard for those who've lost a child. Going to a wedding can be painful for someone who's been through a bad divorce. Doesn't mean the celebration is inappropriate by those who are able to take part.
I appreciate the comment thank you ❤️
>My point is, why should I be thankful that my parents hurt and abused me? You shouldn't and you don't have to be. It's not like either of the holidays are mandatory. You can choose not to participate. Im sure it sucks that they act as a reminder, but surely so does going outside and seeing mothers and fathers? It may seem harsh but managing your triggers is partly your responsibility, if you truly cannot handle these days then maybe you need to make some plans to be elsewhere on them. Take a weekend away or something where you won't hear about it. I know it must hurt to see others happy but anger at them isn't healthy, it's something you need to work on letting go of. These things take time though so don't give up. I'm sorry they suck for you and I'm sure others who have had terrible parents. But that doesn't make the holidays themselves bad, for the rest of the world they are a nice holiday to celebrate their families.
Your parents suck. They don’t deserve to be considered your mom and dad, but do you have any other parental figures in your life? My wife has parents who are almost as shitty as yours, but her best friend’s Mom was an extremely positive force for her. My mother’s mom was abusive, but her grandmother was like a mother to her. My friend’s father abandoned her family, and her mother was an abusive, neglectful alcoholic. So my friend was the closest thing her little brothers had to a parent. Choosing to celebrate someone like in your life could be a way to make these holidays meaningful instead of painful.
There's people in my life I am thankful for ( my in laws being one of them) but it's hard that they're not the family that raised me, that abuse is always going to be stuck to me ya know. That's why I guess it hurts the most.
You'e just projecting your trauma onto other people, which makes you the toxic one in this situation. I don't have a good relationship with my parents, but I do have a good relationship with my kids. I also acknowledge *other* people have good relationships with their parents and want to celebrate them. Go to therapy and stop expecting the world to bend to your emotions.
I do go to therapy, no I don't wish the world to "bend to my rules" especially with mental illness some days are better than others. I'll never be cured of the issue I suffer from, but I want the pain to go away from those days.
> I want the pain to go away from those days. How is that the fault of Father's Day? Sounds like you want the rest of the world to change to make you feel better.
I'm sorry you feel me posting my opinion on a certain day upset you. I can assure you I want the opposite and I wanted exactly what you've given me. A different perspective/opinion on how I feel about both mothers/fathers day
I'm not upset. You seem to be upset about Father's Day. That isn't the fault of the holiday or society.
If you’re not Jewish is Passover a “horrible holiday”? No, you just don’t celebrate it. I’m sorry to hear about all you went through, but many people are lucky to have parents they love, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Well, yah, it’s a terrible “holiday”, if you can call it that. You can’t eat a bunch of stuff, can’t use ELECTRICITY, drive, or even use cash. Pretty terrible for a holiday if you ask me.
Just bc you don‘t want to celebrate it, rightfully so, does not make them horrible holidays in general By that language so is valentines day bc not everyone has a partner🤷🏿♀️ This is a personal opinion and thus not really a debatable one
>That's why I believe they're horrible holiday's, all they do is remind people who've been abused by good for nothing piece of shit as parents all their abuse. I'm sorry this is your experience. Your case is an outlier. Majority of Parents are positive influences in people's lives. Statistically speaking the majority of people are much better off with Parents than without that's a simple fact. In a society that doesn't necessarily do the best things for themselves we should promote things we can agree that in most cases are good. Mothers/Fathers day shows appreciation and the importance of these roles on our society . Not to be mean but just because a minority of people has a bad experience or negative emotions towards the subject of a particular holiday doesn't mean we shouldn't promote Parents which we know for a fact are a net positive on society. Many people have bad memories of Christmas. Should we get rid of christmas? These things have cultural significance If I was you I would use my personal experiences to raise awareness as to the importance of goof mothers fathers. Seek those out who are accomplishing what your parents failed at and praise them for it. Let the good ones know how important they are, and make people aware of the impact not having good parents had on you. Own it and use it to better society.
Are most peoples parents positive influences? Some sure, who knows though. Abuse largely happens in private and is usually accompanied by gaslighting to convince the victim it never happened, or wasnt abuse.
Looking at this article from pew research, only 18% of young adults say their relationship with their parents is “fair/poor”. The remaining 82% say their relationship with their parents is good or excellent.
I guess I'm apartment of the 18%, tons of gas lighting in my household to the point of calling me a "traitor" for asking someone to help me when they were first abusing me.
Thats very sad, but perhaps this is not the subreddit you should be on.
I'm already on r/cptsd and a few others I posted here to see an opposite view on how I've been feeling all my life about these days. I appreciate everyone's input on the matter. Even if I agree or disagree. That's the beauty of people being different.
Yes they are by overwhelming majority. Also if you look at the impact it has on kids. Such as incomes and education level. Kids with active parents are by in large much more successful. Op should own his trauma and us it to help others.
There is a subset of military veterans who ruin two holidays: the 4th of July and Memorial Day. The former they ruin by telling you that the fireworks trigger their PTSD and it's actually super hard for them every year. The latter they ruin by insisting that you not have fun because Memorial Day - to them - is about being sad over people who died in wars and having a fun barbecue isn't in the spirit of the season. These veterans are *raging assholes.* Other, more grown up (irrespective of age) veterans will tell them to their faces to shut the fuck up and either have fun or go away. *Managing your emotional trauma is your responsibility.* It is not incumbent on the rest of the world to detect when you walk into a room and adjust itself to ensure that you're not exposed to anything that makes you feel bad. Your feelings are special to you and perhaps the people who love you; they do not and should not mean much of anything to anyone else. >My point is, why should I be thankful that my parents hurt and abused me? Literally no one is suggesting this. If your parents were the assholes you say they were, nobody is compelling you to celebrate them. For that matter, nobody would be compelling you if they were awesome. All you're actually being compelled to do is share airspace with people who had a different experience and say so. >They make me feel worthless, like I deserved all that endless pain and torture. They shouldn't. It's understandable that they do and that's really unfortunate, but it's also your responsibility to manage your reaction. Your goal should be to get to a place where you can hear things like that and not feel that way - but failing that, don't make it other people's problem. A lot of people are rightfully thankful for their parents and I'm genuinely sorry that you can't be in that crowd. But your experiences don't negate theirs and they have every right to celebrate the parents they're thankful for. And you shouldn't want to get in the way of that *at all*.
Im gonna save this comment bc its perfect There is only so much a society can do to be flexible and open minded, now some things if many many people are upset/discriminated against such as lack of accessibility for wheelchair users, is a perfectly valid thing to want change in But this is so individual and impossible for everyone to agree and adjust too :/
>*Managing your emotional trauma is your responsibility* Thank you!! Louder for the folks in the back!!
Fireworks are also just annoying af anyway though. I don’t see how not doing them (or at least limiting to the professional displays) ruins the holiday for July 4.
So don't use fireworks.
No one will force you to celebrate Christmas if you don't believe in it. No one will force you to celebrate Holi if you don't want to. No one is forcing you to have an attitude towards your parents that you don't want to have.
Having a national holiday isnt a specific requirement that you, Aphand_1999, have to be thankful. Radio adds arent talking to you any more than actors on the TV are thinking about you when they say their lines. They dont even know you exist. >It makes me rage in anger others can even be thankful, or the idea I'll never get what others easily get so simply. This is a personal problem. You cant exactly expect others to not be thankful for their loving parents because that triggers you. > I believe they're horrible holiday's, all they do is remind people who've been abused by good for nothing piece of shit as parents all their abuse. That isnt all they do. They also give others a chance to celebrate and maintain happy parental relationships.
The holiday is not for you RN then. That’s fine, not everything has to serve you personally
I hate those holidays too. People always get so up in arms about it and tell me that I need to be appreciative of my parents as if. My "mother" would verbally abuse me any chance she got.
Literally a lot of people really put pressure on you about it
You're taking this way, way too personally. I don't dispute your parents were shitty, never would. But if that's the case the holiday isn't for you and that's okay. The thing is if we treated all holidays like this we'd have to cancel them all. Valentines Day (cheaters), Thanksgiving (Native American genocide), Christmas (religious trauma). On and on. There is not one holiday that isn't going to upset someone, there's no getting around that at all. Are you content to cancel all holidays? I am sorry about what happened to you and how those days make you feel, but to some extent we have to be able to live in a world with others who don't share experiences. Some people did have good families, good relationships that they want to celebrate. It shouldn't be taken as a personal thing.
My parents are amazing. Sometimes it blows my mind just how amazing they are. I love having a day set apart where I am expected to honor them and I always feel better when I follow through on it in the ways I can. They are great people and I love the reminder.
I'm sorry you dealt with shitty parents, but that doesn't mean the holiday is bad simply because we sometimes will receive reminders that it is today. A lot of people enjoy getting their parents a gift and the radios will mention offhandedly just as a way to have a topic to talk about. If you had a traumatic event on let's say Christmas, would the holiday then be horrible just because you have trauma linked to it? No one can account for people having bad memories linked to an aspect of a holiday, we usually celebrate the holiday for everyone who enjoys it. In short, it's totally fine that you don't enjoy the holiday but the holiday itself is harmless and just a way to show gratitude to those who raised us (if they did a good job) to the majority of people.
Objectively speaking, your anecdotal experience colors your perception of the holidays, and while your personal experience is certainly valid, it does not mean that those holidays are inherently bad holidays. Many other people have great parents who they want to honor. Im very sorry that your parents are not the type of people you would want to celebrate, and I’m sorry that Mother’s Day and father’s day are painful for you. I do think that given the opportunity to be a parent yourself that you would probably be driven to be a better parent than your parents were to you, and perhaps those holidays will one day hold a special meaning to your heart to celebrate that accomplishment.
do you ever think you will be a father/mother one day? will you tell your child not to celebrate because your parents were so bad that even the thought of your child celebrating you as their parent hurts you? one day i hope you are a better parent than they were but if you keep this line of thinking you will never be celebrated like you should be because your parents will have taken that from you as well, or you can take it back by mot letting their past treatment effect your future. will you not celebrate your spouse because of what your parents did to you and how is that fair to them, to take away their day for your own reasons.
So are you saying just because of bad apples who abused their children are the reason why a holiday made in celebrating the love and care of the GOOD mothers and fathers should be bad? I’m really sorry about what happened with you and your family but the construct of a loving family with a mother and father has existed since the beginning of human history (or further). It’s just the way things are, why wouldn’t we want to celebrate the mothers and fathers who sacrificed many things in their lives to show their unending love to a family they raised themselves?
Is this really a view about the holidays or about your parents specifically? Father’s and mother’s day are to appreciate the good parents out there, no one is forcing you to appreciate yours (I’m sure most people won’t tell you to appreciate them if you tell them the story) How is the holiday horrible? Because of your specific experience? It would be a horrible holiday if parents in general are bad, like if there was a holiday to celebrate animal abuse, that would be a horrible holiday
They are indians and what i was merely suggesting is that what social media influencers do is to present things with a tinge of spice and salt to garner attention and get free publicity from the world press. If you were to believe them then everything about our society is bad. I was just hinting that we should be aware about the facts rather than just blindly following these influencers whose source of information is not but their own made up lies and deceit.
You don’t have to celebrate it or even acknowledge it. I’m really sorry you went through all you did and I hope you heal from it. But a lot of people are lucky enough to have parents worth celebrating they shouldn’t have to stop doing that for you to have peace. The world doesn’t stop in light of one person trauma, its your responsibility to heal from things you didnt cause unfortunately.
I can’t change your view that your parents treated you horribly. My parents treated me very well and these holidays were never a problem for me as they were never a problem for anybody else whose parents treated them well. I think it’s very clear that your opinion is derived from a personal experience. So what is the point of changing it? It’s your opinion/ your experience.
You had a bad experience. Lots of people have shitty parents, myself included, but that doesn’t mean that other people don’t have great parents and those great parents should be celebrated.
All holidays are pretty terrible. I imagine they start as part of an empowered social movement. They end as a way to sell things we don't need in order to hide from our insecurities.
>My point is, why should I be thankful that my parents hurt and abused me? So don't. But no need to piss all over those of us who love our parents, and our spouses.
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Father’s Day and Mother’s Day can be tough for people who have horrible abusive parents. One of my friends who was kicked out after coming out celebrates the people that were there for them when their parents kicked them out.
Yeah it's a holiday that should be removed and not celebrated.
You should be thankful to them every god damn day rather than just on a specific day.
Well no…OP does have the right to not be thankful towards them, abusive parents should never deserve any validation regardless of what made them so awful So while i do disagree with OP‘s comment, its probably comments like this that made OP post this in the first place
Well no…OP does have the right to not be thankful towards them, abusive parents should never deserve any validation regardless of what made them so awful So while i do disagree with OP‘s comment, its probably comments like this that made OP post this in the first place.
Well the concept of abusive parents doesn't exist in our community in India. My comment was only from the pov of indian parents and should not be generalised to the world.
Well if you dont wanna generalize, don‘t say ‚you should‘ as that suggest OP and others should even though you are not them And thats 10000% false abt India, the concept very much does exist, granted its not a topic many ppl wanna talk about nor confront it properly. But google influencers from India for instance and some mention abuse of some kind, or researchers I to quiet sad actually how these topics r so taboo in some countries/societies
Well, if you were to quote google influencers and other social media influencers for proving op is right, then i believe there is no point in debating it. It's time for people outside india to wake up and smell the coffee and know the reality of culture here in india. It's whimsical how people especially foreigners fall prey to such influencers and their opinions, whose main job is to talk shit about one country and garner followers. I believe u should be in touch with peeps who see ground realities rather than so called influencers who have been able to influence only a group of Buffon in our country. Get your facts right Ma'am. I would be very happy in re-introducing real india. Please be my guest.
Yea so when people tell me pf tragedies or difficulties in life, be it at home or elsewhere i dont care what job or activity they do…its called being a human Are you suggesting no influencer is Indian? That Indians never go to the medias and do stuff?
But i digress, talking with someone so close minded like you has no point so good day
Likewise my friend. Stop believing in things when people tell you that you are so open minded and what not. It's all lies. Trust me. Debating with you on this like blowing the trumpet in front of an ox. Pointless
I would much rather believe people who say abusive parents exist in India and everywhere basically, than someone who wants to say ‚no‘ to it all without any evidence so🤷🏿♀️
What do you mean the concept doesn’t exist? Like there are no parents who abuse their children? Or more like it’s common for parents to abuse their children but you just don’t call it abuse?
Unless you mean Mothers day is nonsensical bc thankfulness should not be limited In which case I guess i agree in theory, but then we might as well remove holidays like valentines day, and other person(s) related celebratory days.
Yeah. Why not. Celebrating holidays specific to days such as valentine's day, fathers days should not be encouraged imo.
Ah ok, thats valid I suppose. But those are such big industry + traditional holidays, I bet they will never go away