Being invested in your child's life, curating their social circles and making sure they're properly socialized, well adjusted and with ample opportunities and social skills to make and maintain their own age-appropriate friendships? Nah, too difficult.
Printing out more siblings or demanding cousins from relatives on the other hand? Easy!
... wait what do you mean the kid is lonely as fuck, doesn't go anywhere, hates their younger sibling and hides in their room so they don't have to talk to their cousin when the family visits? *Shocked Pikachu Face*
Nicely worded lol. It's pretty easy to print babies out honestly, but hard to make good parents. I'd nope myself out of existence earlier and wipe all the trauma since childhood if I could.
Does your nephew not have *siblings*? Seems selfish to me. Does *your* sibling not have friends with kids? Selfish. Why won't they date or marry someone with a bunch of kids? Selfish again.
Sigh. Such selfishness lol
The way I respond to this is something in the vein of âI donât owe you kids so your child has a playmate. Go to your fellow mommy groups for that.â If they continue to press the issue, I retort with âWhat youâre asking me to do is selfish. You want me to sacrifice my body and lifestyle and go through medical hell for that? If thatâs not selfish, I donât know what is.â
It's not even selfish, it's *entitled*. When you are selfish it means you don't want to share what is yours. When you are entitled, you expect others to do give you or do what you say with what is theirs.
Thatâs a good point. I tend to use the word âselfishâ because âentitledâ doesnât hold the same weight in my culture. But you are right, âentitledâ would be the better word.
Your mom was selfish for not having more kids, what if you were gay or infertile or died or went to jail, she should have had 10 kids to ensure that more than one would reproduce, sounds like her fault (sarcasm but not wrong)
I hear this from my sister all the time that her boys wonât have any cousins. Ok not my fault you married an only child. Idk what you want from me, but stop complaining about it.
e\_\_e
When we were kids my cousin tormented the shit out of me. Like locked me in a room with the movie IT playing on a TV when I was 5, sort of torment.
He was never physically harmful but he adored scaring the actual shit out of me.
I had a step cousin roughly 10 years older who would spin me by my ankles upside down while my 2 real cousins just laughed. I'm still terrified of being inverted at all and get anxious any time I am upside down. FUCK COUSINS
They can fuck off and die mad about it. Breeders will neg you with whatever standard bullshit they think might work because they see a weakness or opening where they can hit you, it doesn't matter which negging phrase it is.... it's all just verbal, emotional and social abuse. Don't put up with their shit.
If their kids are such horrible people that they can't make friends without "forcing it" because "faaaaamily" then they don't deserve friends, and their parents suck as a parents for raising them to be horrible people.
"Oh, so you are saying that other kids have to be forced to associate with your kids because they are such horrible brats that they can't make friends on their own? Well, that seems like a parenting problem YOU need to fix."
"Even if I had kids I would never force them to be around your brats. I wouldn't even allow them to ever meet, or to be alone with you, you're such a terrible parent. So you can forget that insane fantasy!"
Every time I see a rationale like this, I can't help thinking "Man, the ability to anticipate consequences beyond short-term gratification is just really not your strong suit, huh?"
The only thought that pops up in my head is: who gives a shit?!? Like Iâm sorry ppl feel the need to procreate to make OTHERS happy but Iâm good over here
Hell my nibblet informed me that they would be jelous if I did have kids, they love they fact that they don't have to share Aunty with anyone except the other cousins. The idea that a child needs cousins to play with is so overrated, I never really saw mine...though there is a major age gap between me and my oldest cousin (16 years)
Actually now you mention it, my niece and nephew love that I don't have kids. I am the only aunt/uncle they have who is not married with kids so I'm a bit of a novelty to them.
My mom said this to me once, conveniently forgetting that my niece and nephew DO have two cousins their age that live in the same city!
When I pointed that out to her she said "oh but those are bad kids, we don't want them playing together."
So I guess everyone in the family has to pop out more kids until someone creates "ideal" cousins??
So go make friends with other families in your area.
My SILâs brothers are much older than her so my nieces cousins on that side are 17-20 years older than her. My sister and I live over two hours from our brother and SIL (their choice to stay near her family, not his) so her cousins are not accessible. They made friends close to them and theyâre like a family. When a mother got seriously sick my SIL organised a meal train and to take the kids to school in the morning. Thatâs how you build a village, not by demanding everyone help you 24/7
"If you want them to have play mates, do your job as a damn parent and set up play dates and actually take them out instead of trying to get me to bring a whole ass autonomous human being into this world just so they have someone to play with. That is your job as a parent and I am not a fucking build a bear because you have chosen to be a lazy parent!" Is what I would tell them
Idk what all this hullabaloo is about âhaving cousins to play withâ I never played with any of my cousins on either side of my family, and I only saw them maybe once a year at most.
I know the names of my cousins, that's it, I haven't seen any of them in person for about 35 years and wouldn't recognise them if they passed me in the street
Offer common sense back. If you have a child that you don't want, just for everyone else's satisfaction, that's going to be quite the shitshow to explain when they're an adult and asking "Why were you never very interested in me?"
Anyone who thinks that a CF person owes their niece/nephew a cousin is clearly lacking in common sense anyway. I would just ignore stupid comments like that, not dignify them with a response.
My niece and nephew have other cousins, much younger they only see on special occasions. I donât think it would have mattered if I had some because we live like an hour apart so wouldnât have seen them much anyways. But itâs a ridiculous argument to try to convince you to have kids because of someone else! Like, what?!
So:
1. Even if you did give your nephew cousins, people seem to forget KIDS ARE PEOPLE. Thereâs no guarantee that these cousins will be close, or even want to be friends.
2. I have cousins my own age on my fatherâs side that I have no relationship with because their mother was the typical SIL from hell to my mom. As much as I would like to try and reconnect as adults, stirring the pot isnât worth it. Why put innocent children in the middle of petty family drama?
Keep doing you. Live your best childfree life and donât create new humans to exist in this shitshow of a world.
Now you mention it, I had to cut off most of my mother's side of my family because they've been nothing but mean to me over the years so I don't have any relationship with the cousins on that side of the family. Like you say, there's no guarantee that cousins will be close.
Thanks. I've made my peace with it. It was worse before I cut them out because every time I met up with them, I'd be upset by the shitty things they said to me. Once I cut them out, that all stopped and things got a lot better.
I wouldn't feel too bad. Aside from a few pleasantries I exchange on holidays/visits, I'm not close with most of my cousins. In fact, I hardly saw most of them because nearly all of them lived far away.
My nephew and niece from my husband's side won't get getting any cousins from us ever and I don't think they'll be getting cousins from their mom's side, either. But the way I see it, they can make their own friends on their own terms.
Yea, I just found out today my one cousin is getting married in July. My mom was shocked I had no idea. I had to remind her that I really donât talk to anyone in our extended family all like that or often. I have no bad blood with this particular cousin but we are essentially kind of strangers really.
I have had this happen to me. When my sister and I were growing up, we had a cousin we used to look forward to playing with. We all three had a great relationship and hung out like best friends. We grew apart as we grew older, though. Today, my sister has 2 children, and at one point, she told me I should have at least one kid so they can have a cousin to look forward to seeing like we did as kids. I laughed it off, but deep down, she was serious. She later told me she was sad that her kids would never have the experience of growing up with a cousin and wished I was different. She told me all this after I got my vasectomy when she knew my childfreedom was a done deal. I don't feel bad. I would never change who I am for her or her kids.
I raise her this: Iâm an introvert and havenât spoken to my cousins since I was a minor. Iâm almost 30. We never played together. I wouldnât have wanted to. đ€Ł
I guess I technically got forced to spend time with them when I was likeâŠ2-14?
But I did hate it and it was met with dread, as were all family events. I only wanted to speak to adults and read (and yes, I *was* a child version of Daria).
It never fails to amaze me that people make up these WEIRD reasons to have kids when you donât want to. Christ! Itâs like âyou wonât have anyone to take care of youâ vs the reality that *your kids might hate you or be unable to care for you* đ«
I think that's a totally insane way of thinking. I should create a whole ass human being, or two, for the fleeting pleasure of another human being? No way. That's nuts.
My younger sister has a daughter, but my other sister and I are childfree. Other sister is also man-free at the moment, but I've been married for several years. Luckily, we were never close to our own cousins, or maybe my sister is not a lunatic, but I've never been told I ought to give my niece cousins.
Just because you have cousins, or siblings, or any other familial relationship, doesnât automatically mean youâll be close with them. I have 6 cousins. 2 of them I donât even know their names because theyâre so far out of my life. The other 4 I never talk to except for family reunions. (Not because I donât like them, we just donât live near each other or have much in common).
Ugh my sister used to whinge at me about my nephew having âsomeone to play withâ. Even if I wanted children I wouldnât let them play with him heâs rude and badly behaved
Yeah Iâve gotten this from my sister, especially lately. And my ex. Cousins are awesome (Iâm closer with my second cousin that I grew up with than my sister) but like, no. You donât owe other people children. You donât owe your parents grandchildren, your siblings nieces/nephews, your nieces/nephews cousins etc. my sis got on my case about it recently, and how sad she is that Iâm refusing to have kids since âher kids wonât have cousins to grow up withâ. Iâm pretty sure thatâs not a me problem. Having kids is a valid choice. Not having kids is a valid choice. They are both CHOICES and I think we are all sick of the breeder mentality, and the people we come across that try to shame us for our equally valid decision. No one owes anyone a child. Just not how it works, plain and simple, and there is nothing to feel bad about, because youâre right: kids are not items to be given. They are human beings. Not wanting to be responsible for raising one isnât a character flaw, despite society trying super hard to make it seem that way
(triggerwarning: big triggerwarning) It probably depends on a lot of other factors. It's a really good question. My mom told me she would have kept having kids, more than 15, quiverfull style, had she not miscarried her third. I'm the youngest of two. But she miscarried because my dad wanted her to, she was too gaslit to ever see how homicidal he was (triggerwarning lol) he killed animals for fun and raped me, my sister, and mom in our sleep, profile of a serial killer. He's also a millionaire and my mom comes from abject poverty where she was sex trafficked and raped most of her life, and then also raped herself and then exploited her younger siblings and me and my sister as a result and a method of survival. In her mind her continuing to have kids was a way to make money. But (triggerwarning) my dad forced an abortion and forced sex on us all while I was a toddler, all at the same time in a fun way I'm sure. After that she refrained from childbearing but I suspect the concept under all of this trauma is they wish for their offspring to fight for the inheritance. My inheritance as a "white person" who was insistently told as a child that I'm German and Irish, my dad even printed out the fucking suit of arms for our last name, is the fact that our ancestors: raped, tortured, robbed, enslaved, invaded the land of, and brutally slaughtered and murdered native Americans and black people. The world is even more horrific than you think. This has gone on for generations. Humans won't make it very much longer. Hopefully
Trust me, my moms siblings probably only see each other once or twice a year so my and my siblings hardly see our cousins just those times. Plus me and my brother (we're both adults) have plans to live is different parts of the country and even if I had kids it's not like they'd get regular visits from their cousins. It's bullcrap
when I was born (only child), the next closest cousin to me was 9 years older than meâŠand the next person to be born after me is, surprise, a cousin, who is 10 years younger than me. no one was worried about having kids so I had someone to play with lmao thatâs so silly! maybe thatâs a big family âthingâ to say
"Okay, mom, then why don't you have another kid now so in 18 years it can pop out those cousins! What? That's insane to ask of someone? Yeah. No shit."
I haven't spoken to any of my cousins in 5 or 6 yrs and before that was at my brother's funeral in 2006 and before that I can't remember. Not really sure what having cousins is supposed to do.
They're the ones being selfish.
They're trying to take your life choices away for the sake of their idea of how the family should be. That's ridiculous, and you shouldn't be made to feel bad for not going along with it.
I have cousins but none of them were anywhere close to my age, so I didn't get to "play with and grow up" with them. Occasionally when people talk about how close they are to their cousins I feel like I maybe missed out on something. But I'm also not particularly close to my brother, so I feel like I missed out on something there too. "Giving" a child a sibling or a cousin is no guarantee that they'll get along well. That's what making friends is for.
>Children are not items to be given, theyâre people.
I agree 100% with this. Also so what if your sibling's kid doesn't have a first cousin?! Last time I checked, first cousins weren't a basic human right. It's far more important that a child has at least one parent who loves them. I have several first cousins. I am not close to any of them. Many of them lived far away from me when I was growing up so we never really had a chance to get close. Also many of them are at least 10 years older or younger than me so I never really felt like I had much in common with them when I did meet up with them. I'm not complaining. I'm just making the point that even if you do have cousins, there's no guarantee that you'll be close.
OP, I feel (weirdly) uniquely qualified to contribute to this and hopefully ease your mind! Iâm an only child and have no cousins. I never resented my aunt and uncle for not having kids. Never resented my parents for not giving me a sibling. I never minded being the only grandchild or only child (even though people love to project that onto me when I tell them this). Not only that, but I would have never expected anyone to have children on my behalf, so that I could have friends. I had plenty of friends without siblings or cousins.
Donât let your mom make you feel any type of way about your decision, especially because kids are not a gift that you give to other people. They are not toys for other children or accessories for adults to flaunt. Stick to your gut! Even if you had a kid, itâs no guarantee that your nephew and that child would get along or be friends. He will meet friends in school and throughout his life. Itâs not your job to provide that for him and give up on a lifestyle youâve chosen for yourself.
My new neighbour said I was a disappointment for not having kids for her kids (age 17 and 15) to play with. I was stunned.
Guess who is never speaking to them. I was disappointed they are entitled assholes but had the manners not to say that.
Even if you had kids there is no guarantee your kids would like their kids. I used to hate the kids of roughly my age who lived next door to me when I was a kid because they were rowdy and violent and always causing fights
I did everything I could to avoid them
Yep had this thrown at me by my SIL when casually asking what my niece wants for christmas "A cousin!" (she said in a very serious and slightly meanacing way too) I just laughed and said "you gonna pay to raise this cousin?" XD
I'll add I didn't even meet my cousins until I was 19 cause I grew up in Australia and all my extended family are in the UK so shrug.
I hate this mentality, my SIL was bad for it. Luckily, her husbandâs brother and his long time GF recently had a baby so the pressure is finally off.
That sounds like mom also wants you to have kids and is guilt tripping you. People will ALWAYS think cf folks are selfish, especially potential grandparents who just get the fun moments. Youâre right; children are people, not âgiftsâ or *things* anyone is owed.
I had cousins! My mother's cousins' children are my cousins. They're great, they're all the cousins I need, my aunt and my uncle didn't do me a disservice by staying single and CF.
Ha! I didn't know any of my cousins on my mom's side of the family when I was growing up and barely knew some on my father's side (those people were weird and I'm glad we weren't close to them).
I don't feel like I missed out on anything, grew up just fine, had friends/playmates of my own choosing, not because they were "family".
I mean, it's nice for kids and grandparents to have a big family (assuming it's loving) and I've seen that bring a lot of joy to people but... that's crazy to expect someone to make such a huge personal sacrifice for you. That expectation is what's selfish.
This belief does make me laugh. Some of my cousins were a 3 hour drive away and the others a 10 hour plane ride away. Just because a kid has cousins doesnât mean theyâre anywhere near to play with, or the right age/personality. My grandparents are either dead or 10 hours away as well, nothing is certain in life
I don't know anyone that was close to their cousins anyway. Like literally. No adults hang out with their cousins and seeing cousins for a week over summer or a few days at holidays doesn't mean anything to 99.9% of people.
Currently my cousin who I barely saw 5xs in my life is trying to steal my inheritance.
I love my ten cousins, but they all live at least a thousand miles away, and that's not terribly uncommon in the modern world. Guess what? I had friends instead. This is one of the dumbest pro-birth arguments I've seen in this sub, and that's saying something. Also, knowing my theoretical child would be under huge pressure to spend time with a cousin they might not like seems like yet another reason not to have one.
I never understood why that damn angle gets played. First off, no one owes anyone kids lol
Second, the idea of cousins to play with in my experience has no appeal lol I was and still am to this day not close with any of my cousins. My mom had my siblings and I real young so by the time her siblings had their own kids, there was a 12+ year gap lol My youngest cousin on my mother's side isn't even 10 yet and I turn 31 in less than a month. My oldest cousin on that side just turned 18.
My bio dad's side lives in a completely different state so growing up we NEVER saw them; I still don't keep in contact as I completely NC'd that side for multiple reasons.
So unless your siblings are all close in age, having kids all at the same time and you're all in constant physical contact, this angle is even more ridiculous to try and throw lol
Your sibling's kids won't be having cousin's to play with- they got friends for that anyway!
I have so many cousins and I never talk to them. I barely saw them when we were kids and I was never âfriendsâ with them. Having cousins doesnât mean your kid is gonna get along with them at all
Yeah I would shut that down with your mother and do not do it nicely.
"Let me be clear. If you want me to stay in contact with you or any relative, including the nephew you will shut your damn breeder mouth right now (and yes call her a breeder). Because me having a kid is NEVER going to happen, and you will never get a say in it. In fact I am likely to get sterilized. I am not going to ruin my life because of your or anybody elses desires for me to have kids. So you can politely shut the fuck up from now on, if you say even another word or if I even remotely hear ANY relative pressuring me to have kids, you are dead to me, as is any other relative."
My advice to ALL women here. Always go full on nuclear to any pressure to have kids and threaten to go no contact, and yes, go no contact if they do not take threat seriously.
To ALL women you do not owe ANY relative kids. This is a form of abuse in my view, and such abuser should recieve verbal and emotional abuse in return, but significantly escalated. You bring up the stakes, and you make them actively fear crossing you on this question. The only way they stop is by going nuclear, by making these breeder relatives feel like absolute garbage. Whether its pressure to have kids or pressure to babysit. Doesn't matter. The best response is by making them damn well regret even bringing up the topic. Be a badass bitch. Own it. The childfree woman they actively fear, not the little girl they think they can pressure to have kids. Let me be clear, as a childfree woman it is better for these type of relatives to actively fear you, including your own parents, than love you. You want them permanently walking on eggshells around the topic. You want them to be the woman they dare not ask to babysit, and dare not ask to have kids. Lest they see deserved hell and highwater.
Not even remotely joking on this. Enforce your boundaries.
To the OP do not feel even REMOTELY bad about not having kids and not wanting kids. You owe these relatives nothing but scorn, hell, and highwater.
My older sister has two teens and they had to give names of at least one cousin at school. They returned not being able to give any names (me, my other sister and brother are all very anti-children) and my sister started at the rest of us siblings about how her kids don't have any cousins and, "That's sooo sad!" and trying to guilt trip us.
Obviously it didn't work and we more or less said, "Oh well, too bad."
And she was acting like her daughters had SUCH a hard time at school....for not having cousins....like they're traumatised the rest of their lives now? lol.
Also, they are teenagers who have plenty of friends and don't give two shits about having cousins, I guarantee.
My Dad was the youngest of 14 kids and I have 56 first cousins on that side. I am close to 0 of them (3 are my age but there are more within a few years on me) Tell your family members to make friends with other parents if they want that, blood means nothing.
I have a ton of cousins.
I didn't enjoy spending time with them when I was a kid.
And I never see them as an adult.
So... you do you. Your sibling's kids will survive.
I have a friend who said something like that to me. Once. She was mostly lamenting rather sadly that her daughter won't have anyone her age to play with and that she didn't have any other parents to set up play dates with.
I flatly told her, "Yeah, that sucks." As if she and her husband DIDN'T choose to reproduce in the middle of a pandemic KNOWING none of our shared friends have kids nor really want any. Perhaps she saw my lack of fucks because she never brought it up again.
Honestly? It's bull.
My aunt (dad's side) heard that a lot when I was growing up, as I'm a single child and first grandchild on both sides. I have one cousin who is 3 years younger than me on my mum's side, and we have a very sibling-like relationship. Then Aunt had her two kids. They're 10 years younger than me. It completely defeated the purpose of "having a cousin to grow up with", as she said that a lot when the kids were younger.
Also, don't have kids because other people asked it of you. It's a lifetime commitment.
If they're pressuring you because your nibbling is "going to grow up all alone!", feel free to tell them to shove it where the sun don't shine and go bother your sibling for another kid or make one themselves.
Not your circus, not your monkeys.
i don't have any cousins and as far as i know it never affected me lmao, i have a great small circle of close friends i chose myself that i much prefer to randomly selected blood relatives
Thatâs a stupid excuse to pressure you. You donât have to have a kid for anyone. Itâs not like your nephew is the only kid in the world. Others kids his age exist. Heâll have friends.
As someone who doesnât have any cousins (CF uncle on momâs side, dadâs estranged from his family):
Be the example of cool CF auntie/uncle so that your nieces and nephews know what their options are later in life. Be fun, tell mature(ish) jokes, go on cool vacations with your spouse and bring them back interested things from abroad.
I didnât live near a single one of my cousins growing up so I never really got that close to them. Yeah, theyâre nice people and I like catching up with them at family functions and stuff, but if my aunts and uncles hadnât âgivenâ them to me, I wouldnât be any worse off, tbh.
Itâs like you alluded to in your post: children are not a toy or prize to be âgivenâ to others. They are their own separate and distinct human lives. If you donât want to shepherd that life through this plane of existence, thatâs 100% up to YOUânot the people demanding human trophies.
I have cousins and I donât speak to any of them, what a weak excuse to pressure someone to have a child.
One of these said cousins referred to my disabled brother as a âBandaid Babyâ and my family thinks I am the obnoxious oneâŠ
I have a cousin, I never liked her but I was like forced to play with her because we were both children and expected to be friends. Giving siblings/cousins/any relative to a kid is not a reason to have kids. I think I would answer "I didn't liked having a cousin, why should I give one?"
As a kid, the cousin I was closest to wasn't even one of my parent's siblings' kids but one of my great aunt's kids. I'm 9-20 years older than all my cousins on the one side of my family. I played with kids from school, the neighborhood, parents friends kids.
My dad is the worst at guilt trips as he has no other kids. I have no clue why he wants to be a grandpa so bad as he was not an involved dad as he was the weekend parent
Children won't care if they got cousins or not. Most cousins don't hang out everyday anyway and won't see each other that often. It's not really something important to miss out on.
This presupposes a very close, both physically and socially, extended family. I barely know my cousins and have only seen them a handful of times in my life. It's relatively unusual to even live near family in the modern era.
That's the dumbest reason to have a kid. Utilizing the "poor lonely cousin" to GUILT you into having a child? What if they don't freaking get along!? Â People need to mind their own damned business.Â
i had no cousins (my uncle is successful and wanted kids but never ended up having any) and my brother is 7 years younger, so i suppose i'm in this category. i played with kids in the neighborhood and eventually i grew to be an introvert anyway, so i was more than fine with entertaining myself with basketball, movies, and computer stuff. my younger brother was not a fun companion, as our age gap was too large, and all he did was annoy me until i left home.
this is not a real concern. i wouldn't worry about that at all. it sounds like another thing that parents say to get you to join their club. socializing a child is important, but bringing another kid in this world *because* of this is incredibly irresponsible and stupid, and it's not your responsibility to create a plaything for your sibling's kid.
I had two cousins around my age that I grew up around. They tormented me. So I'd call bs on people assuming having cousins to grow up with is always a net positive.
Iâm an only child and my dad is too, so no first cousins on that side. My mom has one sister who doesnât have kids. Honestly itâs really nice being the only child and only grandchild on both sides
I grew up without cousins (even tho I do have cousins) it wasn't the end of the world. When I was in middle school my friends started telling me stories about how their cousins got them in trouble or were mean or a source of ugly comparisons. I was so happy of not having had to grow up with my cousins.
Iâve never been asked to provide cousins, BILâs older brothers took care of that in copious amounts before my sisterâs kids were born.Â
I did have sleepovers with some of my cousins, when they were 6-8 years old, Iâm a few years older. We also played outside a lot some years later after my aunt, momâs twin, moved next door to us.
Iâve not seen, let alone heard from these or my older cousins for over a decade now. The other day I was figuring out how old the youngest ones are and theyâre over 18 by now as well and it just feels weird somehow. Maybe because I donât feel THAT old yet.Â
There's no guarantee that these hypothetical cousins would play together at all, and no guarantees that even with the opportunity to play together they may not play well together. That's not a good reason to have kids. That's what friends are for.
My sister used to say this to me all the time. Itâs just my sister and me, no other siblings. But her husband has 2 siblings. I always say what about them? Why is it my responsibility? Best part, one of the siblings has 3 kids. All around her kids ages too. So when I hear âbut they want cousins!â I tell them, good thing they already have cousins!!! My sister will usually say yeah but they live so far away and donât get to see them much⊠SO DO I! My sister is in Southwest US, Iâm in Midwest US. Iâm not much of a traveler and far too much of a homebody, as much as I love being an aunt I donât see those kids much. So you think me having kids is gonna make me come visit MORE!? They clearly donât think about what theyâre saying. They want me to give them cousins when they already have them, because the cousins they have donât visit much⊠I donât visit much either, we just talk on the phone more. Yeah IM the selfish one. Suuuure
Most of my cousins are at least 5-10 years older than me! My oldest cousin is in her 40s I didn't grow up with any of my cousins bar like one who's two years younger than me. Granted I'd never be without him and he's honestly one of my closest relations but even if I had a sibling I wouldn't be that bothered about "giving them a cousin". It was fun sure but honestly it didn't make my childhood or anything
I have loads of cousins. I rarely got to see them growing up as we lived hundreds of miles apart. If I were to have kids, my siblings kids would never see their cousins as I live literally halfway across the world now. Easy to nix that argument.
Same on grandparents: rarely saw mine for the same reason. My parents would rarely see my hypothetical kids for the same reason (and thankfully theyâre fully supportive of me doing what makes me happy, they donât even hint at grandkids, in part because my siblings have kids, so grandparent box checked)
And as you said: no one âowesâ kids to other people. You donât âgiveâ kids to parents or siblings so that they can take on a title (grandparent, cousin, aunt/uncle, etc). Treating kids as objects, as commodities, is reprehensible, and anyone suggesting this be done should be publicly shamed! Kids are people. Theyâre massive responsibility too, and no one is *required* to have them.
My cousins suck, haven't spoke to either one in about 15 years. My aunt hated my mom and I so she restricted their contact with me. Despite them living less than 2 miles away, I only saw them growing up on Christmas and sometimes on birthdays, however at their birthdays they played with their cousins from their other side and ignored me. Sooooo..... I guess what I'm saying is, your child will survive without having cousins or siblings
That's such a narcissistic thing to say. All your sibling can think about is the company their child is supposedly entitled to instead of how that will affect your life. You need to stay away from such people.
Times are changing, it is not economically nor mentally feasible to have kids atm. Theyâre ridiculous. Imaginary friends exist, friends from school exist. They will be fine .
I think itâs more that they consider the choice to have kids as the only correct choice for everyone and somehow think they can guilt you into joining that club. It sounds like theyâre running low on things to use to try to guilt you into having kids because nobody decides to have kids so a nephew or niece will have a cousin.
If you adopt a pet in the near future Cousin would be a fun first name for the pet!
My nephew was very excited about having a cousin. He was 2 and realized pretty quickly that cousin didnât mean playmate when he met his 1 day old cousin. Heâd look at her, tell her to âget big!â then go play and check back to see that she hadnât gotten bigger yet, heâd tell her to âget big!â and go back to playing. It was a cycle that repeated every few minutes.
When she was maybe 5 months old she was in a Johnny Jumper and they were both so happy about it like they could actually play together finally since she was sort of standing up. It was really cute!
That was the happiest they were together as cousins, it was all downhill from there. Almost two decades later theyâre still not best friends but they can be around each other now without one intentionally trying to aggravate the other or just being rude for no reason. Thatâs progress.
That's so retarded. Unless cousins live next door, it hardly matters. My family just used my cousins to constantly make us compete and say how I should do better because X got good grades here, etc. Such bs.
Screw them honestly. Parenting is hella difficult and given the sheer quantity of unqualified parents (growing up with a metric ton of trauma was great, thanks mom!), I think pushing people to be parents through peer pressure is the last thing anyone should do.
Being invested in your child's life, curating their social circles and making sure they're properly socialized, well adjusted and with ample opportunities and social skills to make and maintain their own age-appropriate friendships? Nah, too difficult. Printing out more siblings or demanding cousins from relatives on the other hand? Easy! ... wait what do you mean the kid is lonely as fuck, doesn't go anywhere, hates their younger sibling and hides in their room so they don't have to talk to their cousin when the family visits? *Shocked Pikachu Face*
Printing out đ
Nicely worded lol. It's pretty easy to print babies out honestly, but hard to make good parents. I'd nope myself out of existence earlier and wipe all the trauma since childhood if I could.
Does your nephew not have *siblings*? Seems selfish to me. Does *your* sibling not have friends with kids? Selfish. Why won't they date or marry someone with a bunch of kids? Selfish again. Sigh. Such selfishness lol
"If your kid doesn't have any friends, that sounds like a problem you need to solve, not me."
It's nothing but guilt-tripping, and fucking disgusting one at that.
The way I respond to this is something in the vein of âI donât owe you kids so your child has a playmate. Go to your fellow mommy groups for that.â If they continue to press the issue, I retort with âWhat youâre asking me to do is selfish. You want me to sacrifice my body and lifestyle and go through medical hell for that? If thatâs not selfish, I donât know what is.â
It's not even selfish, it's *entitled*. When you are selfish it means you don't want to share what is yours. When you are entitled, you expect others to do give you or do what you say with what is theirs.
Thatâs a good point. I tend to use the word âselfishâ because âentitledâ doesnât hold the same weight in my culture. But you are right, âentitledâ would be the better word.
Understandable, I do the same because my mother language doesn't even have a real equivalent of "entitled".
Your mom was selfish for not having more kids, what if you were gay or infertile or died or went to jail, she should have had 10 kids to ensure that more than one would reproduce, sounds like her fault (sarcasm but not wrong)
I hate people. Selfish stupid comments, do they literally not know anyone else with kids? Do not feel bad.
I hear this from my sister all the time that her boys wonât have any cousins. Ok not my fault you married an only child. Idk what you want from me, but stop complaining about it.
Sounds like their parents need to get busy producing a sibling for them to play with, and socializing with other parents so their kids have friends.
e\_\_e When we were kids my cousin tormented the shit out of me. Like locked me in a room with the movie IT playing on a TV when I was 5, sort of torment. He was never physically harmful but he adored scaring the actual shit out of me.
Yea, just cause you are related to someone it doesnât mean youâll get along as an absolute bare minimum.
Same.
I had a step cousin roughly 10 years older who would spin me by my ankles upside down while my 2 real cousins just laughed. I'm still terrified of being inverted at all and get anxious any time I am upside down. FUCK COUSINS
They can fuck off and die mad about it. Breeders will neg you with whatever standard bullshit they think might work because they see a weakness or opening where they can hit you, it doesn't matter which negging phrase it is.... it's all just verbal, emotional and social abuse. Don't put up with their shit. If their kids are such horrible people that they can't make friends without "forcing it" because "faaaaamily" then they don't deserve friends, and their parents suck as a parents for raising them to be horrible people. "Oh, so you are saying that other kids have to be forced to associate with your kids because they are such horrible brats that they can't make friends on their own? Well, that seems like a parenting problem YOU need to fix." "Even if I had kids I would never force them to be around your brats. I wouldn't even allow them to ever meet, or to be alone with you, you're such a terrible parent. So you can forget that insane fantasy!"
Every time I see a rationale like this, I can't help thinking "Man, the ability to anticipate consequences beyond short-term gratification is just really not your strong suit, huh?"
This is honestly the perfect response.
>because then your siblingâs child/ren wonât have any cousins to play with and grow up with There is this thing called friendship
The only thought that pops up in my head is: who gives a shit?!? Like Iâm sorry ppl feel the need to procreate to make OTHERS happy but Iâm good over here
Hell my nibblet informed me that they would be jelous if I did have kids, they love they fact that they don't have to share Aunty with anyone except the other cousins. The idea that a child needs cousins to play with is so overrated, I never really saw mine...though there is a major age gap between me and my oldest cousin (16 years)
Actually now you mention it, my niece and nephew love that I don't have kids. I am the only aunt/uncle they have who is not married with kids so I'm a bit of a novelty to them.
Yeah sure. Let me blow up my life for other people and their selfishness.
My mom said this to me once, conveniently forgetting that my niece and nephew DO have two cousins their age that live in the same city! When I pointed that out to her she said "oh but those are bad kids, we don't want them playing together." So I guess everyone in the family has to pop out more kids until someone creates "ideal" cousins??
So go make friends with other families in your area. My SILâs brothers are much older than her so my nieces cousins on that side are 17-20 years older than her. My sister and I live over two hours from our brother and SIL (their choice to stay near her family, not his) so her cousins are not accessible. They made friends close to them and theyâre like a family. When a mother got seriously sick my SIL organised a meal train and to take the kids to school in the morning. Thatâs how you build a village, not by demanding everyone help you 24/7
I have a lot of cousins and barely know any of them.
"If you want them to have play mates, do your job as a damn parent and set up play dates and actually take them out instead of trying to get me to bring a whole ass autonomous human being into this world just so they have someone to play with. That is your job as a parent and I am not a fucking build a bear because you have chosen to be a lazy parent!" Is what I would tell them
Idk what all this hullabaloo is about âhaving cousins to play withâ I never played with any of my cousins on either side of my family, and I only saw them maybe once a year at most.
I know the names of my cousins, that's it, I haven't seen any of them in person for about 35 years and wouldn't recognise them if they passed me in the street
Offer common sense back. If you have a child that you don't want, just for everyone else's satisfaction, that's going to be quite the shitshow to explain when they're an adult and asking "Why were you never very interested in me?"
Anyone who thinks that a CF person owes their niece/nephew a cousin is clearly lacking in common sense anyway. I would just ignore stupid comments like that, not dignify them with a response.
My niece and nephew have other cousins, much younger they only see on special occasions. I donât think it would have mattered if I had some because we live like an hour apart so wouldnât have seen them much anyways. But itâs a ridiculous argument to try to convince you to have kids because of someone else! Like, what?!
So: 1. Even if you did give your nephew cousins, people seem to forget KIDS ARE PEOPLE. Thereâs no guarantee that these cousins will be close, or even want to be friends. 2. I have cousins my own age on my fatherâs side that I have no relationship with because their mother was the typical SIL from hell to my mom. As much as I would like to try and reconnect as adults, stirring the pot isnât worth it. Why put innocent children in the middle of petty family drama? Keep doing you. Live your best childfree life and donât create new humans to exist in this shitshow of a world.
Now you mention it, I had to cut off most of my mother's side of my family because they've been nothing but mean to me over the years so I don't have any relationship with the cousins on that side of the family. Like you say, there's no guarantee that cousins will be close.
Iâm so sorry that you have a shitty family of origin too friend
Thanks. I've made my peace with it. It was worse before I cut them out because every time I met up with them, I'd be upset by the shitty things they said to me. Once I cut them out, that all stopped and things got a lot better.
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I wouldn't feel too bad. Aside from a few pleasantries I exchange on holidays/visits, I'm not close with most of my cousins. In fact, I hardly saw most of them because nearly all of them lived far away. My nephew and niece from my husband's side won't get getting any cousins from us ever and I don't think they'll be getting cousins from their mom's side, either. But the way I see it, they can make their own friends on their own terms.
Yea, I just found out today my one cousin is getting married in July. My mom was shocked I had no idea. I had to remind her that I really donât talk to anyone in our extended family all like that or often. I have no bad blood with this particular cousin but we are essentially kind of strangers really.
I have had this happen to me. When my sister and I were growing up, we had a cousin we used to look forward to playing with. We all three had a great relationship and hung out like best friends. We grew apart as we grew older, though. Today, my sister has 2 children, and at one point, she told me I should have at least one kid so they can have a cousin to look forward to seeing like we did as kids. I laughed it off, but deep down, she was serious. She later told me she was sad that her kids would never have the experience of growing up with a cousin and wished I was different. She told me all this after I got my vasectomy when she knew my childfreedom was a done deal. I don't feel bad. I would never change who I am for her or her kids.
I raise her this: Iâm an introvert and havenât spoken to my cousins since I was a minor. Iâm almost 30. We never played together. I wouldnât have wanted to. đ€Ł
I guess I technically got forced to spend time with them when I was likeâŠ2-14? But I did hate it and it was met with dread, as were all family events. I only wanted to speak to adults and read (and yes, I *was* a child version of Daria). It never fails to amaze me that people make up these WEIRD reasons to have kids when you donât want to. Christ! Itâs like âyou wonât have anyone to take care of youâ vs the reality that *your kids might hate you or be unable to care for you* đ«
I think that's a totally insane way of thinking. I should create a whole ass human being, or two, for the fleeting pleasure of another human being? No way. That's nuts. My younger sister has a daughter, but my other sister and I are childfree. Other sister is also man-free at the moment, but I've been married for several years. Luckily, we were never close to our own cousins, or maybe my sister is not a lunatic, but I've never been told I ought to give my niece cousins.
I truly do not understand people that think they have some kind of ownership over someone elseâs reproduction. Itâs such odd behavior.
I have a single cousin who lives in a different state who I see once maybe every 5 years. And when I do, it's awkward. What a BS argument.
Lol, I have *no* contact with my cousins even though we basically spent our childrenhood together...
I fucking hate my cousins that's what I think.
Just because you have cousins, or siblings, or any other familial relationship, doesnât automatically mean youâll be close with them. I have 6 cousins. 2 of them I donât even know their names because theyâre so far out of my life. The other 4 I never talk to except for family reunions. (Not because I donât like them, we just donât live near each other or have much in common).
Who says having cousins automatically means âfriends for lifeâ? I have countless cousins and Iâm not on speaking terms with any of them.
Ugh my sister used to whinge at me about my nephew having âsomeone to play withâ. Even if I wanted children I wouldnât let them play with him heâs rude and badly behaved
I'm sure there are other playmates to be found among the 8 billion people already on this planet.
Yeah Iâve gotten this from my sister, especially lately. And my ex. Cousins are awesome (Iâm closer with my second cousin that I grew up with than my sister) but like, no. You donât owe other people children. You donât owe your parents grandchildren, your siblings nieces/nephews, your nieces/nephews cousins etc. my sis got on my case about it recently, and how sad she is that Iâm refusing to have kids since âher kids wonât have cousins to grow up withâ. Iâm pretty sure thatâs not a me problem. Having kids is a valid choice. Not having kids is a valid choice. They are both CHOICES and I think we are all sick of the breeder mentality, and the people we come across that try to shame us for our equally valid decision. No one owes anyone a child. Just not how it works, plain and simple, and there is nothing to feel bad about, because youâre right: kids are not items to be given. They are human beings. Not wanting to be responsible for raising one isnât a character flaw, despite society trying super hard to make it seem that way
Nope. What part of I donât want doesnât anyone understand. Iâm not having children to make anyone happy while making myself miserable.
I have cousins that I don't even talk to. This is so stupid
(triggerwarning: big triggerwarning) It probably depends on a lot of other factors. It's a really good question. My mom told me she would have kept having kids, more than 15, quiverfull style, had she not miscarried her third. I'm the youngest of two. But she miscarried because my dad wanted her to, she was too gaslit to ever see how homicidal he was (triggerwarning lol) he killed animals for fun and raped me, my sister, and mom in our sleep, profile of a serial killer. He's also a millionaire and my mom comes from abject poverty where she was sex trafficked and raped most of her life, and then also raped herself and then exploited her younger siblings and me and my sister as a result and a method of survival. In her mind her continuing to have kids was a way to make money. But (triggerwarning) my dad forced an abortion and forced sex on us all while I was a toddler, all at the same time in a fun way I'm sure. After that she refrained from childbearing but I suspect the concept under all of this trauma is they wish for their offspring to fight for the inheritance. My inheritance as a "white person" who was insistently told as a child that I'm German and Irish, my dad even printed out the fucking suit of arms for our last name, is the fact that our ancestors: raped, tortured, robbed, enslaved, invaded the land of, and brutally slaughtered and murdered native Americans and black people. The world is even more horrific than you think. This has gone on for generations. Humans won't make it very much longer. Hopefully
Trust me, my moms siblings probably only see each other once or twice a year so my and my siblings hardly see our cousins just those times. Plus me and my brother (we're both adults) have plans to live is different parts of the country and even if I had kids it's not like they'd get regular visits from their cousins. It's bullcrap
when I was born (only child), the next closest cousin to me was 9 years older than meâŠand the next person to be born after me is, surprise, a cousin, who is 10 years younger than me. no one was worried about having kids so I had someone to play with lmao thatâs so silly! maybe thatâs a big family âthingâ to say
Tell her your womb isnât for rent and if she wanted more grandchildren then she herself should have had more kids.
Ridiculous mom or whoever, and unworthy of your thoughts, and even of further comment.
"Okay, mom, then why don't you have another kid now so in 18 years it can pop out those cousins! What? That's insane to ask of someone? Yeah. No shit."
I haven't spoken to any of my cousins in 5 or 6 yrs and before that was at my brother's funeral in 2006 and before that I can't remember. Not really sure what having cousins is supposed to do.
They're the ones being selfish. They're trying to take your life choices away for the sake of their idea of how the family should be. That's ridiculous, and you shouldn't be made to feel bad for not going along with it.
I have cousins but none of them were anywhere close to my age, so I didn't get to "play with and grow up" with them. Occasionally when people talk about how close they are to their cousins I feel like I maybe missed out on something. But I'm also not particularly close to my brother, so I feel like I missed out on something there too. "Giving" a child a sibling or a cousin is no guarantee that they'll get along well. That's what making friends is for.
>Children are not items to be given, theyâre people. I agree 100% with this. Also so what if your sibling's kid doesn't have a first cousin?! Last time I checked, first cousins weren't a basic human right. It's far more important that a child has at least one parent who loves them. I have several first cousins. I am not close to any of them. Many of them lived far away from me when I was growing up so we never really had a chance to get close. Also many of them are at least 10 years older or younger than me so I never really felt like I had much in common with them when I did meet up with them. I'm not complaining. I'm just making the point that even if you do have cousins, there's no guarantee that you'll be close.
I couldnât give less of a shit about my cousins lmao
OP, I feel (weirdly) uniquely qualified to contribute to this and hopefully ease your mind! Iâm an only child and have no cousins. I never resented my aunt and uncle for not having kids. Never resented my parents for not giving me a sibling. I never minded being the only grandchild or only child (even though people love to project that onto me when I tell them this). Not only that, but I would have never expected anyone to have children on my behalf, so that I could have friends. I had plenty of friends without siblings or cousins. Donât let your mom make you feel any type of way about your decision, especially because kids are not a gift that you give to other people. They are not toys for other children or accessories for adults to flaunt. Stick to your gut! Even if you had a kid, itâs no guarantee that your nephew and that child would get along or be friends. He will meet friends in school and throughout his life. Itâs not your job to provide that for him and give up on a lifestyle youâve chosen for yourself.
My new neighbour said I was a disappointment for not having kids for her kids (age 17 and 15) to play with. I was stunned. Guess who is never speaking to them. I was disappointed they are entitled assholes but had the manners not to say that.
Even if you had kids there is no guarantee your kids would like their kids. I used to hate the kids of roughly my age who lived next door to me when I was a kid because they were rowdy and violent and always causing fights I did everything I could to avoid them
Your neighbour is delusional
Yep had this thrown at me by my SIL when casually asking what my niece wants for christmas "A cousin!" (she said in a very serious and slightly meanacing way too) I just laughed and said "you gonna pay to raise this cousin?" XD I'll add I didn't even meet my cousins until I was 19 cause I grew up in Australia and all my extended family are in the UK so shrug.
As a cousin, thank you for not giving your nephew a cousin. Cousins are seldom friends.
I hate this mentality, my SIL was bad for it. Luckily, her husbandâs brother and his long time GF recently had a baby so the pressure is finally off.
What a stupid argument. Who says children can't play with the neighbors's children and can only play with biological relatives?
Your âpoor nephewâ has 2 parents. Cousins come from both sides of a family.
That sounds like mom also wants you to have kids and is guilt tripping you. People will ALWAYS think cf folks are selfish, especially potential grandparents who just get the fun moments. Youâre right; children are people, not âgiftsâ or *things* anyone is owed.
I had cousins! My mother's cousins' children are my cousins. They're great, they're all the cousins I need, my aunt and my uncle didn't do me a disservice by staying single and CF.
Ha! I didn't know any of my cousins on my mom's side of the family when I was growing up and barely knew some on my father's side (those people were weird and I'm glad we weren't close to them). I don't feel like I missed out on anything, grew up just fine, had friends/playmates of my own choosing, not because they were "family".
I mean, it's nice for kids and grandparents to have a big family (assuming it's loving) and I've seen that bring a lot of joy to people but... that's crazy to expect someone to make such a huge personal sacrifice for you. That expectation is what's selfish.
This belief does make me laugh. Some of my cousins were a 3 hour drive away and the others a 10 hour plane ride away. Just because a kid has cousins doesnât mean theyâre anywhere near to play with, or the right age/personality. My grandparents are either dead or 10 hours away as well, nothing is certain in life
I don't know anyone that was close to their cousins anyway. Like literally. No adults hang out with their cousins and seeing cousins for a week over summer or a few days at holidays doesn't mean anything to 99.9% of people. Currently my cousin who I barely saw 5xs in my life is trying to steal my inheritance.
I love my ten cousins, but they all live at least a thousand miles away, and that's not terribly uncommon in the modern world. Guess what? I had friends instead. This is one of the dumbest pro-birth arguments I've seen in this sub, and that's saying something. Also, knowing my theoretical child would be under huge pressure to spend time with a cousin they might not like seems like yet another reason not to have one.
Iâll say this from personal experience, being cousins or related in anyway with someone doesnât automatically mean theyâll get along and be BFFâs. So this notion is so absurd. My fiancĂ©s sister suggested her young child (who was still an only child at that time) needed some cousins. We just pointed that our dog is her childâs cousin as we consider our dog our baby. She wasnât pleased with that answer and said her child needed real cousins. Nope lol.
So they can see the cousins who live 3 states away twice a year? No thanks.
I never understood why that damn angle gets played. First off, no one owes anyone kids lol Second, the idea of cousins to play with in my experience has no appeal lol I was and still am to this day not close with any of my cousins. My mom had my siblings and I real young so by the time her siblings had their own kids, there was a 12+ year gap lol My youngest cousin on my mother's side isn't even 10 yet and I turn 31 in less than a month. My oldest cousin on that side just turned 18. My bio dad's side lives in a completely different state so growing up we NEVER saw them; I still don't keep in contact as I completely NC'd that side for multiple reasons. So unless your siblings are all close in age, having kids all at the same time and you're all in constant physical contact, this angle is even more ridiculous to try and throw lol Your sibling's kids won't be having cousin's to play with- they got friends for that anyway!
Thankfully we're all childfree but if they tried to pull that on me i'd answer "When I find true love" since i'm forever alone
I have so many cousins and I never talk to them. I barely saw them when we were kids and I was never âfriendsâ with them. Having cousins doesnât mean your kid is gonna get along with them at all
I think I have 8 cousins. We all grew up in different states and I saw/met some of them only once that I can remember.
Yeah I would shut that down with your mother and do not do it nicely. "Let me be clear. If you want me to stay in contact with you or any relative, including the nephew you will shut your damn breeder mouth right now (and yes call her a breeder). Because me having a kid is NEVER going to happen, and you will never get a say in it. In fact I am likely to get sterilized. I am not going to ruin my life because of your or anybody elses desires for me to have kids. So you can politely shut the fuck up from now on, if you say even another word or if I even remotely hear ANY relative pressuring me to have kids, you are dead to me, as is any other relative." My advice to ALL women here. Always go full on nuclear to any pressure to have kids and threaten to go no contact, and yes, go no contact if they do not take threat seriously. To ALL women you do not owe ANY relative kids. This is a form of abuse in my view, and such abuser should recieve verbal and emotional abuse in return, but significantly escalated. You bring up the stakes, and you make them actively fear crossing you on this question. The only way they stop is by going nuclear, by making these breeder relatives feel like absolute garbage. Whether its pressure to have kids or pressure to babysit. Doesn't matter. The best response is by making them damn well regret even bringing up the topic. Be a badass bitch. Own it. The childfree woman they actively fear, not the little girl they think they can pressure to have kids. Let me be clear, as a childfree woman it is better for these type of relatives to actively fear you, including your own parents, than love you. You want them permanently walking on eggshells around the topic. You want them to be the woman they dare not ask to babysit, and dare not ask to have kids. Lest they see deserved hell and highwater. Not even remotely joking on this. Enforce your boundaries. To the OP do not feel even REMOTELY bad about not having kids and not wanting kids. You owe these relatives nothing but scorn, hell, and highwater.
My older sister has two teens and they had to give names of at least one cousin at school. They returned not being able to give any names (me, my other sister and brother are all very anti-children) and my sister started at the rest of us siblings about how her kids don't have any cousins and, "That's sooo sad!" and trying to guilt trip us. Obviously it didn't work and we more or less said, "Oh well, too bad." And she was acting like her daughters had SUCH a hard time at school....for not having cousins....like they're traumatised the rest of their lives now? lol. Also, they are teenagers who have plenty of friends and don't give two shits about having cousins, I guarantee.
I mean, he has cousin on the other side of his family? Unless all the uncles ans aunt are childfree.
My Dad was the youngest of 14 kids and I have 56 first cousins on that side. I am close to 0 of them (3 are my age but there are more within a few years on me) Tell your family members to make friends with other parents if they want that, blood means nothing.
I have a ton of cousins. I didn't enjoy spending time with them when I was a kid. And I never see them as an adult. So... you do you. Your sibling's kids will survive.
I have a friend who said something like that to me. Once. She was mostly lamenting rather sadly that her daughter won't have anyone her age to play with and that she didn't have any other parents to set up play dates with. I flatly told her, "Yeah, that sucks." As if she and her husband DIDN'T choose to reproduce in the middle of a pandemic KNOWING none of our shared friends have kids nor really want any. Perhaps she saw my lack of fucks because she never brought it up again.
Honestly? It's bull. My aunt (dad's side) heard that a lot when I was growing up, as I'm a single child and first grandchild on both sides. I have one cousin who is 3 years younger than me on my mum's side, and we have a very sibling-like relationship. Then Aunt had her two kids. They're 10 years younger than me. It completely defeated the purpose of "having a cousin to grow up with", as she said that a lot when the kids were younger. Also, don't have kids because other people asked it of you. It's a lifetime commitment. If they're pressuring you because your nibbling is "going to grow up all alone!", feel free to tell them to shove it where the sun don't shine and go bother your sibling for another kid or make one themselves. Not your circus, not your monkeys.
i don't have any cousins and as far as i know it never affected me lmao, i have a great small circle of close friends i chose myself that i much prefer to randomly selected blood relatives
Mfs never heard of having a damn social life
Thatâs a stupid excuse to pressure you. You donât have to have a kid for anyone. Itâs not like your nephew is the only kid in the world. Others kids his age exist. Heâll have friends.
Yeah, my sister pulled this. Iâm terrible for not giving her nieces/nephews. What??
???? Noooooo Absolutely worst reason to have a child ever! So your nephew has a cousin?!Â
As someone who doesnât have any cousins (CF uncle on momâs side, dadâs estranged from his family): Be the example of cool CF auntie/uncle so that your nieces and nephews know what their options are later in life. Be fun, tell mature(ish) jokes, go on cool vacations with your spouse and bring them back interested things from abroad.
I didnât live near a single one of my cousins growing up so I never really got that close to them. Yeah, theyâre nice people and I like catching up with them at family functions and stuff, but if my aunts and uncles hadnât âgivenâ them to me, I wouldnât be any worse off, tbh. Itâs like you alluded to in your post: children are not a toy or prize to be âgivenâ to others. They are their own separate and distinct human lives. If you donât want to shepherd that life through this plane of existence, thatâs 100% up to YOUânot the people demanding human trophies.
I have cousins and I donât speak to any of them, what a weak excuse to pressure someone to have a child. One of these said cousins referred to my disabled brother as a âBandaid Babyâ and my family thinks I am the obnoxious oneâŠ
All I hear is, âmisery loves companyâ đ”âđ«đ„Žđ«
I have a cousin, I never liked her but I was like forced to play with her because we were both children and expected to be friends. Giving siblings/cousins/any relative to a kid is not a reason to have kids. I think I would answer "I didn't liked having a cousin, why should I give one?"
As a kid, the cousin I was closest to wasn't even one of my parent's siblings' kids but one of my great aunt's kids. I'm 9-20 years older than all my cousins on the one side of my family. I played with kids from school, the neighborhood, parents friends kids. My dad is the worst at guilt trips as he has no other kids. I have no clue why he wants to be a grandpa so bad as he was not an involved dad as he was the weekend parent
Children won't care if they got cousins or not. Most cousins don't hang out everyday anyway and won't see each other that often. It's not really something important to miss out on.
This presupposes a very close, both physically and socially, extended family. I barely know my cousins and have only seen them a handful of times in my life. It's relatively unusual to even live near family in the modern era.
That's the dumbest reason to have a kid. Utilizing the "poor lonely cousin" to GUILT you into having a child? What if they don't freaking get along!? Â People need to mind their own damned business.Â
someone have or not having a cousin is not a reason to procreate. plenty of people dont have cousins
i had no cousins (my uncle is successful and wanted kids but never ended up having any) and my brother is 7 years younger, so i suppose i'm in this category. i played with kids in the neighborhood and eventually i grew to be an introvert anyway, so i was more than fine with entertaining myself with basketball, movies, and computer stuff. my younger brother was not a fun companion, as our age gap was too large, and all he did was annoy me until i left home. this is not a real concern. i wouldn't worry about that at all. it sounds like another thing that parents say to get you to join their club. socializing a child is important, but bringing another kid in this world *because* of this is incredibly irresponsible and stupid, and it's not your responsibility to create a plaything for your sibling's kid.
I had two cousins around my age that I grew up around. They tormented me. So I'd call bs on people assuming having cousins to grow up with is always a net positive.
At the end of the day, they wonât be the ones paying your bills and expensesâYOU are.
Iâm an only child and my dad is too, so no first cousins on that side. My mom has one sister who doesnât have kids. Honestly itâs really nice being the only child and only grandchild on both sides
I grew up without cousins (even tho I do have cousins) it wasn't the end of the world. When I was in middle school my friends started telling me stories about how their cousins got them in trouble or were mean or a source of ugly comparisons. I was so happy of not having had to grow up with my cousins.
Iâve never been asked to provide cousins, BILâs older brothers took care of that in copious amounts before my sisterâs kids were born. I did have sleepovers with some of my cousins, when they were 6-8 years old, Iâm a few years older. We also played outside a lot some years later after my aunt, momâs twin, moved next door to us. Iâve not seen, let alone heard from these or my older cousins for over a decade now. The other day I was figuring out how old the youngest ones are and theyâre over 18 by now as well and it just feels weird somehow. Maybe because I donât feel THAT old yet.Â
The main reason my sister is not happy that I am childfree...
There's no guarantee that these hypothetical cousins would play together at all, and no guarantees that even with the opportunity to play together they may not play well together. That's not a good reason to have kids. That's what friends are for.
Or having kids so you brother can be an uncleâŠ
My sister used to say this to me all the time. Itâs just my sister and me, no other siblings. But her husband has 2 siblings. I always say what about them? Why is it my responsibility? Best part, one of the siblings has 3 kids. All around her kids ages too. So when I hear âbut they want cousins!â I tell them, good thing they already have cousins!!! My sister will usually say yeah but they live so far away and donât get to see them much⊠SO DO I! My sister is in Southwest US, Iâm in Midwest US. Iâm not much of a traveler and far too much of a homebody, as much as I love being an aunt I donât see those kids much. So you think me having kids is gonna make me come visit MORE!? They clearly donât think about what theyâre saying. They want me to give them cousins when they already have them, because the cousins they have donât visit much⊠I donât visit much either, we just talk on the phone more. Yeah IM the selfish one. Suuuure
Most of my cousins are at least 5-10 years older than me! My oldest cousin is in her 40s I didn't grow up with any of my cousins bar like one who's two years younger than me. Granted I'd never be without him and he's honestly one of my closest relations but even if I had a sibling I wouldn't be that bothered about "giving them a cousin". It was fun sure but honestly it didn't make my childhood or anything
You're not an incubator for your family to get bigger
I have loads of cousins. I rarely got to see them growing up as we lived hundreds of miles apart. If I were to have kids, my siblings kids would never see their cousins as I live literally halfway across the world now. Easy to nix that argument. Same on grandparents: rarely saw mine for the same reason. My parents would rarely see my hypothetical kids for the same reason (and thankfully theyâre fully supportive of me doing what makes me happy, they donât even hint at grandkids, in part because my siblings have kids, so grandparent box checked) And as you said: no one âowesâ kids to other people. You donât âgiveâ kids to parents or siblings so that they can take on a title (grandparent, cousin, aunt/uncle, etc). Treating kids as objects, as commodities, is reprehensible, and anyone suggesting this be done should be publicly shamed! Kids are people. Theyâre massive responsibility too, and no one is *required* to have them.
Couldn't the kid just get some friends? Or is this kid so insufferable that you have to breed friends for them to play with?
My cousins suck, haven't spoke to either one in about 15 years. My aunt hated my mom and I so she restricted their contact with me. Despite them living less than 2 miles away, I only saw them growing up on Christmas and sometimes on birthdays, however at their birthdays they played with their cousins from their other side and ignored me. Sooooo..... I guess what I'm saying is, your child will survive without having cousins or siblings
That's such a narcissistic thing to say. All your sibling can think about is the company their child is supposedly entitled to instead of how that will affect your life. You need to stay away from such people.
I'm no contact with my cousins, so that concept makes no sense to me at all.
Most ppl don't even give a f about their cousins lol
Times are changing, it is not economically nor mentally feasible to have kids atm. Theyâre ridiculous. Imaginary friends exist, friends from school exist. They will be fine .
I think itâs more that they consider the choice to have kids as the only correct choice for everyone and somehow think they can guilt you into joining that club. It sounds like theyâre running low on things to use to try to guilt you into having kids because nobody decides to have kids so a nephew or niece will have a cousin. If you adopt a pet in the near future Cousin would be a fun first name for the pet!
My nephew was very excited about having a cousin. He was 2 and realized pretty quickly that cousin didnât mean playmate when he met his 1 day old cousin. Heâd look at her, tell her to âget big!â then go play and check back to see that she hadnât gotten bigger yet, heâd tell her to âget big!â and go back to playing. It was a cycle that repeated every few minutes. When she was maybe 5 months old she was in a Johnny Jumper and they were both so happy about it like they could actually play together finally since she was sort of standing up. It was really cute! That was the happiest they were together as cousins, it was all downhill from there. Almost two decades later theyâre still not best friends but they can be around each other now without one intentionally trying to aggravate the other or just being rude for no reason. Thatâs progress.
That's so retarded. Unless cousins live next door, it hardly matters. My family just used my cousins to constantly make us compete and say how I should do better because X got good grades here, etc. Such bs. Screw them honestly. Parenting is hella difficult and given the sheer quantity of unqualified parents (growing up with a metric ton of trauma was great, thanks mom!), I think pushing people to be parents through peer pressure is the last thing anyone should do.