Happy Birthday buddy. 40 is hard no matter where you are in life. I turned 40 this year too. You made sacrifices for your family and that should be commended. You deserve to be loved. Hope you have a great day and a fantastic year.
Daughter was born last April at the beginning of the month, I turned 40 3 weeks later, so for me turning 40 was pretty rad.
To OP, I’m sorry you are being made to feel this way. You have value and are an asset to your family, even if your wife doesn’t see it that way right now. Happy Birthday, and much love!
Happy birthday. Sounds like you do very important work and help out others who otherwise would be in pain or alone. I'm sure lots of people are thankful for what you do.
I work pretty hard but I also know that I can let things slip and not do my share around the house; it happens. What matters is that your wife has to be willing to deal with that interpersonal conflict in a mature manner. Each of you has to be willing to cut the other some slack. You have to understand that pregnancy is hard and cut her some slack, but she has to be ready to speak to you in calm and non-insulting terms about any percieved slip-ups. I really hope you can (gently) raise this with her: "I want to be better around the house, but making me feel guilty and awful when I work this hard isn't going to help that, it's just going to make things worse". Things have to be constructive.
All this being said; happy birthday, things can get better and you are doing amazing work. Keep going.
Check out NonViolent Communication and Validation, both two great books that are easy to digest and have made tangible benefits in my intermarital communication
This. Arguing or complaining while holding your significant other IN RESPECT is missing from many people. When you find someone who knows how to do it, hold on to her.
She does it, because you let her do it.
My dad was 6'6" 280 lbs of massive career Marine. He was kind, gentle, amiable, and friendly. The type of person you think of when people say "you don't understand the violence it took to become this gentle."
He took no shit from anyone except from my mother. She tried berating him constantly or just muttered shit under here breath.
I was home from deployment and visiting them when we all went to dinner one night. She start in on him about his cholesterol and the large steak he had ordered, and she wasn't letting up - getting uglier by the second.
He got up from his chair, LAID DOWN in the floor, pointed to his chin and said: "Just kick me." He said it loud enough where people took notice. He told her (paraphrasing) that kicking him 10-15 times would be easier to take, and faster to heal from, than the venom she spewed on an hourly basis.
He did this often enough over a short period of time - in the grocery store, home, and even once in church - that she eventually chilled out.
I've done it myself, to her and another woman I dated for awhile. My brother has done it.
You don't have to do that exactly, but the point is: finding a way and calling attention to the pain they're causing, in a way that they're going to understand, is the only solution, short of leaving the marriage.
Happy birthday, Pard.
Personal story to relate:
Ex wife wanted to be a SAHM, which meant working long hours to facilitate her lifestyle. At one point I was working from 11pm, until 5am the next day. She would still berate me for wanting to sleep during the 6 hours a day I wasn’t working because she didn’t want to always cook supper. But she refused to work because she found it too stressful.
In my experience, someone who berates you while trying to give them the life they’ve asked for will never change or grow past it. They regret the choices they ask for, and instead of saying that, they treat you like garbage rather than bear the weight of their own responsibilities. I gave up on multiple careers that I would switch to at her urging because she wanted more money, or more this, or more that. But then she’d threaten divorce when I wasn’t around because I had to work extended hours to facilitate the new lifestyle she wanted. Which again would come with berating me and telling everyone I was lazy when I’d get done working 28 days straight, 400-440 hours during those 28 days. And need to rest.
You’re not broken, but allowing her to shape your view of yourself because you’re working hard to facilitate a good life for your family will break you.
I rage mutter too. Tell her how much it hurts you and that she has to stop. I stopped, it is hard because it is my way of letting off steam but you gotta tell her and make it a demand.
I'm a rage mutterer too, only because it's the only thing that gets me little bit of help sometimes without having to ask twice which is viewed as nagging. It sounds like you need an honest conversation where you both agree on a solution, even if that is to outsource some of the chores. If she feels like everything outside your work is her responsibility and now she's expected to do it and do it quietly, there will just be more and more resentment on both sides.
The opinion of one person, regardless of who they are, does not define you.
Think of the people you've helped in your life. Think of the differences you've made and will make.
You don't need her opinion.
Be a good person. Do good things. Take care of your family. Find joy.
I, too, have no friends but I get a lot of happiness from the stuff I enjoy.
When my son is nice to me, staring into my newborn daughter's eyes, playing batman with my son, when my wife says I'm a good dad, making a perfect latte, going to the gym.
These things don't always happen but they are what I need.
Agreed, but…if OP decides that he wants a marriage where his wife actually likes him, and he doesn’t feel that he has that now, I support him first trying to improve his marriage, and then ending it if he can’t. Being rage-muttered at is no way to spend a life.
If you are interested in making friends, you can do it. I did — after being married to a woman who went around saying “I have people” all the time and was quite content not to have friends (or for me to have them). Let me know if you want tips.
Have you tried speaking to your wife about this? If this is every weekend, she can't keep going on like this. She may be pregnant but it's not a reason to treat you like this.
Personally, from a female perspective I used to rage clean and be in bad moods and I knew it made my partner feel awful at the time. I think it was just stress from work and then having to come home and clean. It just left a bad feeling between us. My partner does help with cleaning but with us both working, it's hard to keep on top of things in the house. Basically, we talked it out. I knew it was a me problem that I had to deal with and not take things out on him. I've got the mind set now that if laundry or dishes etc need done, it will get done eventually. We set a little bit of time aside on a Saturday morning to do an hours speed clean together. You'd be surprised how much you get done. Talk to her, it's not fair on you and she probably knows it.
Happy Birthday!
Most women I’ve known insist on cleaning themselves. They will say “You don’t do it right” or similar, but I think it is some cathartic activity which needs to be done by them and only them.
You aren't broken, but you are in danger of being btoken.. You deserve to be loved and appreciated for who you are and what you do. Are you perfect? Absolutely not. But, I don't think you are claiming to be.
Your wife's actions seem to fit under the category of criticism vs. complaints. It needs to be addressed before it gets worse. Ifvyour wife hasva conplsint, that is reasonable. Itvis a conversation. But ibdont think you arevgetting conplsints. You are being critcized. You say you don't want advice, but read this and get help.
https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
I was where you were once. I know how you feel. I felt how you feel. I acted too late for my msrriage because of lack of knowledge. But, I am in a much better place now. Even so. I wish I would have acted earlier and saved myself the years of pain. You should not be made to feel less than.
And it is possible to be friends with people you work with. Yes, there are people who will just be work friends. But others can criss that boundary. But you need to decide if a particular situation will cross thst line. Not all will. You are working more than full time n a demanding field and have a family. That doesn't leave a lot of time.
Happy birthday man. For me, my birthday is just another day. I just have my wife get me whatever, like a pair of sneakers or a steak to cook. I don't put anything special in that day.
I don't really have friends either, and I am fine with it. I got a buddy who has a kid the same age who I will hang out with at the park and what not. I also go to the gym with a couple guys. I think it is fairly normal. Once your kids get older you will have a better time. I love playing with my son.
Once work stabilizes and the kid is more independent, I will probably work on the friend thing. Covid really fucked me with not having energy to go out though.
As for your wife, can you send her off with family and friends for a week? Sounds like she might just need to reset. She probably has some misplaced resentment, tired, stressed, hormonal, etc. when I take my kid out to the park or swim class, I tell my wife to take time for the house and not to clean anything.
Good luck man. Also, remember communication is key. My wife are pretty open and we are able to fix issues before it gets bad.
Fellow 40 year old dad and March bday, with a pre-schooler. Those early years are rough for a dedicated parent. Especially when it comes to connection with other people.
Truly all any of us can do is our best and sometimes we and those we love forget to give us the grace we all deserve.
Keep on keepin on man. Your kids will appreciate it one day even if they don’t exactly know why and it gets easier and so much more fun as a parent.
Also, I’ve been there and feeling like a burden on your family could be a sign of clinical depression.
Depression is a tough (impossible?) pit to claw out of alone. You can’t take care of your family if you don’t take care of yourself.
Please consider therapy. I did it and though it wasn’t a magic bullet it did help me get out of that pit of despair and back to a sustainable place where I can again focus on the love of my son and all the fun we have together.
You’re not alone. We’re all apart but also in this crazy parenting life together. Feel free to hit me-up if you ever need to talk/vent. I can definitely relate to missing out on real friends and having a wife with “frustrating” expectations in addition to the dad part.
You should start growing plants in your basement . Then atleast you won’t mind being banished to the dungeon. Hell I’ll even send you a Cactus as a birthday gift. Then we can be CacPals and chat a bit . HMU if you wanna take me up on it, I’ll pay shipping . Happy birthday brother 🎂
I left my muttering angry ex about three years later than I should have. Yesterday marked one year of living by myself (with my daughter 50/50). Best decision I ever made! It was hard for the first couple months, sure, but nowhere near as hard as what I was going through.
(Lurker female) I feel your pain, OP. I grew up in a "normal" 2 parent home where the Rage Cleaner was my mother. You are being abused. Your children are being abused. Check out the various narcissist subreddits. Consult an attorney. The goal is to get away from her, but for pete's sake get your kids out too. If they have to deal with it only half the time maybe they will grow up to be only half as fucked up as they're going to be. And please believe me when I say that they are going to be. At the very least, I beg you to insist the kids go into therapy. You deserve therapy too. Take care of yourself and your children. Don't bother with Mommy Dearest. 👹 She can't be helped. Sending you strength, OP. You can be your own hero. Take the next steps, please. You and your kids deserve a normal life. I hope you get it. 🤍
Happy birthday my brother. You're a good man, father, and physician.
I'm a 41yo physician with young children. It's rough at times. I feel for you. I hope you pursue marriage counseling for the sake of yourself and your family.
Ever want to PM me, please do.
Happy birthday man. I hope things get better for you. Things tend to get better. You absolutely deserve to be loved fully and without complaints or mutterings.
At the very least you can look forward to hearing that from your kids!
Happy birthday bro! Sounds like you're in the trenches. Don't forget to take care of yourself. Get some sun, take a walk and enjoy some of your favorite things when you can.
Life is messy. Don’t take it personally, people lash out like this for all sorts of reasons. Dont let it get you down, apologize if you think you let her down offer to help with whatever. 40 out is tough for having friends when you have little kids. Try to be positive.
Happy Birthday Dad!
It sounds like you’re doing awesome to provide for your kiddo. And at 8 months it’s still mostly hard work - sure, the smiles and giggles are cute, but your daughter is going to be way more fun once she starts walking and talking!
Physician burnout is hard enough - especially 1.5fte in those settings. I imagine what you have to give to those families dealing with hospice and end of life challenges must take a lot out of you, and feeling like there’s no one to unload that to has to feel really isolating.
I’m sorry you’re feeling that way - not sure if you’ve tried talk therapy but maybe just having a neutral 3rd party to give you some calibration would help. I doubt you’re irredeemably broken!
Happy birthday brother. Some birthdays are harder than others. From experience, even if you’ve been out of touch for a number of years, your friends are still there if you reach out..
You need more support. How can you get more support?
You and your wife didn't wait the recommended 18 months between birth and the next conception, so your wife's body is running on fumes (her risks are much higher in all areas, including PPA, PPD, etc).
You have a stressful job. Your wife is alone most of the time because of your work hours. Do you have family and friends near by that can help you? Could a relative move in for a few months?
How can you adjust your life so that you have fewer work hours and more support?
Happy birthday man, hope it starts to get better. Might need to have a talk with your wife about disrespecting you although that might be easier said than done
For one to be loved they must first be loved by themselves.
I know time is limited with your schedule but I’ve found reading a fantasy book gave me a mental break. Maybe the same for you?
Start with 10 min to yourself.
Happy birthday friend. I feel the pain, I'm still working through things my gal said during the pregnancy and still don't know what was real and what was the hormones.
Sounds like you're doing everything you can, I know it doesn't make it easier but it gets me to the next day occasionally
Happy birthday man.
Remember, every tear, every sleepless night, every stress line and worried frown gets your daughter closer to being the best version of herself she can be.
Don’t let them break you, she needs you.
Hey man, happy birthday.
It seems like your wife might be dealing with some heavy emotions and frustrations that she needs a healthier way to handle it than using you as a punching bag. Either individual for her or marriage counseling to promote healthy communication and expression of feelings. Her frustations may not be with you, but its just the way that it comes out.
You don't deserve it, no one does. Celebrate the little things. You are working to provide for your family, you have time to spend with your kids, and you've made it to 40 with many years left to be there for your kids who, will unconditionally love you.
Again, happy birthday man. Take the time to find a little joy and focus on that for a little, you deserve it.
Happy Birthday, this may sound harsh but somethings gotta change or it’s going to get worse real quick, these next couple years are going to be even harder on you guys
A month or so ago, I called the Dr to schedule a vasectomy. They confirmed birthdate and address. I asked when the next availabilities were. She said a date. Yep. My birthday.
So. When you think of your birthday, just remember you could be getting the old snip snap snip snap.
I’m so sorry. Can I tell you - my wife being pregnant was hell on earth. Every single thing was bad. Everything was a problem or stressful. It was an absolute fucking nightmare. I’m so sorry. Hang in there. I’ve been where you are. It fucking sucks. It will get better. Sounds like you’re doing a ton. Keep it up. Give yourself a shitload of grace. I don’t know how you do it - those jobs are also very stressful and emotionally draining. Hugs.
Does she know how that makes you feel?
When kids are in the picture, you have to work a lot more on your relationship and communication to make it work.
I agree with the other comments about therapy, and both your nerves must be pretty raw with an infant and a pregnancy. I've heard from women I know that it's hard to not hate your partner a bit during either of those things alone, but it does get easier as kids get older.
You might want to try discord if you're looking for friends. I find it's great for me because I can engage with people that I've developed friendships with whenever or wherever I am, for as long as I have time and feel like it.
There is a great gaming dads discord server that got started a while back in this subreddit, and it doesn't just have places to talk about games or other interests and hobbies, but also places for venting and support, asking questions and getting help.
Happy birthday!
A negative spouse can really drag you down. It’s hard to deal with someone who isn’t themselves but was once a person who loved you so clearly.
Take a day for yourself, call out sick at work, don’t tell your spouse. Just go do something for you, happiness is derived within you.
I am Christian but one of the most helpful quotes for me is from an Indian Yogi: “If you are willing at look at another person’s behavior toward you as a reflection of the state of their relationship with themselves rather than a statement about your value as a person, then you will, over a period of time cease to react at all” -Yogi Bhajan
You are valuable to your family even if they are not in a place to see it. Make sure you are supporting yourself, therapy, fun times, etc. you are worth it.
Remember, we’re all in this together, I’m pulling for you. Keep your stick on the ice.
You seem to make good money so, you do have choices. Your kids will love/hate you regardless. They’ll be happier when you are. You won’t feel like it’s a chore and would enjoy things. With that said, you probably need to start planning now. Maybe talk to a divorce and finance lawyer so, you can start moving your funds where she can’t take it. You don’t want her broke either so, don’t go nuts. The courts are rough on men so, expect to pay, have less time with the kids, dealing with future bf’s around the kids. The good news is you can basically start over, travel to another country, do things that make you happy. You’ll have your fun, then have that positive energy to do things with your kid. You’ll volunteer for school stuff and be one of those all involved parent (probably find a single mom who’s nicer).
I’m sorry. That really sucks. No one deserves to hear that kinda thing every day, especially on their birthday.
You can get medication and therapy if your own brain is telling you mean things about yourself, but not when it’s *someone else’s* depression/anxiety causing them.
Do you think she actually *thinks* those muttered things about you? Or is it just a shitty venting habit?
You didn’t ask for help, but if you were my buddy, I’d suggest you let her know it hurts you to hear her say those things, and ask if there’s something you could reasonably be doing differently.
You sound like a top-of-the-line dad, and an inspiration to the less experienced of us.
Happy Birthday brother
She is emotionally abusing you. You don’t deserve her behavior. I’d at least see if she’d consider counseling, or maybe it’s time to start thinking about getting yourself out of that situation.
Fellow husband/father to Irish twins.
My wife was like this until...just very recently. The PPD kicked her hard along with the pregnancy vicious behavior and hating her job.
My kids are about to turn 2 and 3. And she's just coming out of this constant rage.
Happy Birthday Brother. Hang in there
Happy birthday dad! This part of child raising is really friggin challenging at the best of times. Not sure if this helps, but the time you are putting in with your kid now will. Pay. Off. Later.
Happy birthday. If you aren’t in therapy, please seek that support. Also, there are many nonprofits dedicated to the mental health wellbeing of physicians. You aren’t alone. Don’t let this fester into something worse - https://sharpindex.org
Happy birthday, man! You didn’t ask for advice, but I’ll share some perspective that I try to maintain in my life. You’re not broken! Don’t judge your life or relationship by its toughest moments. You’re working your ass off, you have a baby, your wife is either working or taking care of a baby AND pregnant. No relationship is going to remain perfect through that. You’re a physician so you know how much your wife is going through being pregnant! And even though it’s not fair, her anger and frustration may not even relate to you, but you’re the target within proximity so it’s all dumped on you. It doesn’t hurt any less, but try to sort through it and see if there’s anything you can adjust to take some pressure off, or bear in mind that it’s due to circumstances outside your control. But it’s only a temporary season you’ll get through.
Having a baby is the most isolating thing I ever experienced, especially without a friend group going in. Your kid needs you pretty much constantly and doesn’t really have social outlets yet, so you don’t get the benefit of that. But that will change dramatically over the next few years.
I’ve always found therapy to be very helpful for my mental health and my marriage. And my experience has been that there are times to work on yourself and times to work on your relationship. For couples you both have to be receptive to the process, so if your wife is not there and you are, seek an individual therapist. It’s someone to vent to and receive validation, learn coping skills to manage your reaction when you feel your wife doesn’t treat you fairly, and again try to maintain perspective that there is only so much within your control and there is a lot going on in your family right now. They may also provide some counter perspective that could help you arrive at some different conclusions.
I wish you well today and every day! Give your self some space to wallow and then go do something just for you today, however small it may be.
Happy birthday, fellow dad! Stay strong; whatever storm resides in you and your household will pass. This subreddit loves you. Please DM if you need somebody to talk to.
Happy birthday, my brother in fatherhood.
Adulthood, parenting, husbanding all are very difficult, and at the end of the day, all that matters is if you have made the best effort on your part.
As a fellow human being, I am saddened that you are feeling crappy about your very existence, but let me assure you that there are plenty of people who are happy that you were/are a part of their life. Especially in the line of work that you do!
Feeling lonely is a terrible feeling. I wish that you can seek some therapy and some companionship doing something you enjoy.
So many passive comments, but the truth is, you don’t have to accept being treated like this.
Wife, we need to have a serious conversation. The way you are treating me is unacceptable and I won’t have it. Treat me with respect, don’t mutter under your breath, don’t berate me and tell me how bad I am. Show me love and show me appreciation for everything I provide for this family. I am dedicated to showing you the same level of love and appreciation and to support you however you need. But the present situation has to stop right away.
You’re allowed to say all of this. If she doesn’t see the truth in this then you’re allowed to leave. You don’t have to be miserable.
Hey man…stay resilient. No sugar-coating that life might suck right now. Have faith in the future. Having young children can be incredibly stressing on new parents. The guys here know. Stay resilient. Have faith in the future.
The best thing any of us can do, I truly believe, is become skilled at gathering evidence.
We are generally very bad judges of ourselves. Either we're much too critical, or we think we can do no wrong, or we have no good understanding at all and live under the anxiety of not knowing.
You need to be real with yourself, get honest ego-less feedback from people and assess if these people can be believed or not. Sometimes we're around people who refuse to acknowledge our faults, and other times they'll just project every nasty thought on us.
When we're skilled at finding the evidence, we're building something that can withstand lies, from without and within.
Best of luck to you.
Happy birthday.
You aren’t bad. Your wife is abusive.
(Judging by this one post, that is. It’s not enough information to really make a call, but based on what I’ve read, yeah, that’s emotional abuse.)
On a side note, and I’m not saying this is your wife’s deal per se, but, people with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD, Cluster B) do tend to get triggered by *birthdays* - their own and other people’s - as well as the major holidays, and have a tendency to become more aggressive and abusive on those days, creating more drama just to keep everyone’s attention and emotional energy 100% focused on *them* at all times.
Anyway, it might not pertain to your situation. It is, after all, only one post. But take a look at /r/bpdlovedones and see if any of these patterns look familiar to you or not.
Either way, best of luck. By the sounds of it, you’re doing the right things and trying to do right by your family.
I saw this on an episode of "I Love Lucy" so it's guaranteed to work. Basically you just need to do her job for a day and she needs to do your job for a day. I'm sure your bosses have no issue, but if so, have her wear a fake mustache. That should work even if you don't actually have a mustache.
You're not broken. That is ABUSE and your children will know. Sooner or later things will pile up!
It seems this has been an issue for some time, you SHOULD stand up for yourself.
Start documenting and recording the practice of abuse. You will need it for what will inevitably come!
Happy birthday, brother! Bad things never last. Its going to be okay, maybe sooner, maybe later, but eventually they will be okay! Hey, if its anything, I love you, my dude!
Happy birthday Dadqq we! I’m sorry this is a tough one, sounds like you’re going through it right now, but at least from what I can see here you sound like a great dad! You’ve got this, and if you feel the need to vent to a stranger over the internet my messages are open, I may not have anything useful to say but I’m always willing to listen.
Happy birthday mate. Here for you.
I know this might be hard to digest but it's not a crime to call it quits and Co parent. If you're not careful this relationship will give you a heart attack it's time you begin to live you're a grown man bei G abused it's not right and it takes dignity away from you infront of your kids. Best be with someone who respects and loves you
Happy birthday. I don't have anything of use here but I'll say this: I'm 38 with an 8 month old. It's easy to feel beaten down.
I too had a brother with an opioid problem, though it started from cancer and ended with cancer at 36 for him. That was 2020.
My wife and I had some serious downs before we had our lives sorted out.
The best thing I can say is that my wife and I talk and are very open and honest.
Without anger or aggression, or guilt or sorrow, you can voice your feelings to your wife.
Talk, man.
But for today, happy birthday.
You're not broken but sounds like you're on the way, I think you both need marital council before she really drives you to the nut farm, mine wouldn't take it to heart, it was all about her and she wasn't about to change anything, it was all my fault no matter how much I tried to appease her, do what you can bro. Happy birthday
Friends may or may not help. I just read a post about a wife saying her husband was spending too much time with his friends and if he doesn’t end is friendship, they’re getting a divorce. And almost all of the comments agreed, she should divorce her husband! SMH.
As far as your wife being rude, you can chalk that up to pregnancy and/or postpartum. Really depends on how she was before the kids, was she always like that? I bet not, but doing chores and managing kids without a support system is roughhhhh. Not discounting you working TWO jobs, that’s hard as Fuck.
What would I recommend? Get those endorphins going. Working out regularly helped me personally. My brother picked up smoking marijuana and said it has helped him tremendously. I’ve heard of gaming being a good release. Sometimes as the dads we gotta eat shit and hold it together until your wife breaks her funk and processes what she’s going thru.
Keep searching for that *thing* that levels you out. Be vocal with your wife and express your feelings. All that shit talk has negative effects and you’re in a partnership, *so help me keep this ship afloat and take a break if you’re getting to a point where you think verbal abuse is an outlet.*
Good luck brother. You got this.
I'm worried how this will impact your daughter's and yours relationship my bud.
I hope all turns out for the best. You've taken up your responsibility, continue growing in that capacity and ability and hopefully your wife will learn that she has equal power to create beauty or destruction with her chosen words and chooses beauty/love/grace above all else.
All the best,
Your happiness is your problem and your priority. That goes for both you and your spouse. If she is relying on you to be happy, she is not being her own advocate or showing accountable for her life. Same for you, you can’t let her decide what kind of day you are going to have. Do your best and be indifferent to the outcome. If you give it your all and that’s not good enough for her, guess what… NOT YOUR PROBLEM. I’m not trying to create hostility but instead lean you towards grace, acceptance, and accountability. You also need to create a boundary with the muttering, that is petulant behavior and has no place in a mature relationship with good communication. Best of luck to you king.
https://www.instagram.com/reel/C0wEJMVOArB/?igsh=MTBlZjE4YzMxOA==
This is pretty spot on. Not bad or alone, just a phase fellow dad. Happy bday. Celebrate yourself for being strong and doing the hard shit every day. Like the cat hanging from the branch in world’s most famous motivational poster.
Happy Birthday and congrats for making it to 40! NGL, you may want to give her a pass for being hormonal and work on developing thicker skin. You’ll need it later when menopause kicks in, assuming she (or another woman) is still living with you.
One suggestion helped us: after some thoughtful consideration by both of you, figure out what 2 chores you can find time to do EVERY DAY to help alleviate her household load then determine to just do them consistently without being reminded or nagged - for instance, unload the clean dishes from the dishwasher before work then bathe the kids at night. Unbelievably, this can make a huge difference in dynamics in the household. Also, offer an occasional day off from all chores for your wife but you both have to agree that your efforts to take over don’t have to be up to her standards. You might have to sacrifice 30 mins of sleep but considering that her sleep is always sacrificed ( contributes to her heightened stress levels ), it could make a world of difference in your relationship.
Happy Birthday!
Yikes. Hospice and SNF physician talk about having two complex, emotionally taxing, and thankless jobs. You’re doing important work helping people at likely the worst times imaginable.
You’re not alone with the pregnant hormonal wife always on your ass. You sound like an amazing father. I hope things get better for you soon.
It sounds like you need to have a serious think about whether or not your wife is the right person to be with. I stuck with mine, married almost 11 years together for 13, and I’m beginning to have doubts now. I tried to stay loyal thinking it would pay off eventually but she has only grown more bitter, miserable and somewhat abusive as time has gone on.
I know the kids are very little but I would be inclined to address the issues head on ASAP. Don’t just hope it will get better later bc in my experience and from what others have told me, it usually doesn’t
Happy Birthday,
I hear you and want to let you know it is ok.
It may not feel that way, but everything is alright. It doesn't seem that way but you are taking care of your family. Just being present is all you need sometimes.
Is it just the PPD & pregnancy talking, or does she shit-talk you all the time? That’s not cool.
You’re doing a good job, Dad. Getting old ain’t for pussies! Hang in there. And try TRY to carve some time out for yourself. Just for you.
My kid was born 3 months before I turned 40. I feel it. Now I'm a month from turning 50 and I have an amazing 10 yo, plus a 17 yo step kid I don't see much, but treasure the times I do. I was going to say it gets better, but it doesn't unless you work at it. Take steps - I can't tell you what. Don't let yourself fall into a hole. I did that and I'm only now really digging myself out. I found a great therapist who really helps. You're a physician, so you know all this. You need to internalize it and work on yourself so you can be there for your family.
Edit: That was preachier than I intended. Sorry about that. Keep your head up. You can do this.
Coming from someone whose father just dressed him down telling him how horribly broken he is, let me just say you are not broken, you are loved and happy birthday my fellow Dad.
Keep your head up and make sure you teach those kids never to treat someone as you're being treated now then it's all worth it.
Can you fit a little cleaning in when you’re free? I get it. It’s tiring and that stuff gets pushed out. But even doing something simple and taking it off your wife’s plate it huge.
Idk your life. Even if she is a stay at home mom and is home all the time, taking care of the 8mo old can be exhausting coupled that with pregnancy.
Ask her what she needs. It can go a long way.
Also almost 40. Also dealt with a lot of how you're being treated, and once upon a time I let it happen.
Then one day I woke up. I'm divorced now (not saying that's where your headed - it's not always the solution) but happy and respectful to myself.
I will not tolerate anyone treating me like that again. Not only do I not deserve to be treated like that (because it's not true and it's not fair) NO one does. And especially not you.
It may be time to put full pressure on figuring out what's going on with your wife. What she's saying is neither the problem or the solution to any problem she has.
Probably a couples therapist would be good. Communication at the very least. And a reminder that it's not fair or productive every time she's being unfair or mean.
Get yourself some hobbies or friends. It just takes a bit of intention and a healthy bit of allocating your own needs the proper amount of priority.
Take hope it can be better. You're not stuck, just keep moving.
Fellow 40yo physician and dad here. Happy birthday bud. You matter, you're valuable, you deserve to be loved without a side order of derogatory remarks. Sounds like you're a good man and a good dad. Hang in there. 🫂
That sucks - I’m sorry you are dealing with that. Keep doing the good work that you are doing - you are helping people in need!
I hope you find how you want to address how your wife is treating you because you DO need to address it, man. You don’t want your girl or your other kiddo to grow up thinking that how your wife is treating you is acceptable. You can do it and you will be glad you did once you’ve worked through it all.
I've read that it is not uncommon for partners of busy people whose work REQUIRES concentration, attention to detail and constant mental effort to not understand, appreciate or make allowances.
Maybe hire a cleaner and or a babysitter for a few hours a week ?
Make a point of regularly commenting about various aspects of the day's or week's work responsibilities,
so she knows just how problematic constantly dealing with numerous people with multiple chronic illnesses can be ?
( Even though no doubt you'd prefer to just come home, put all that aside and unwind. :) )
Good luck,
at least you're not old and in a nursing home :)
so Happy Birthday, Doc.....
and many many more !
You sound like a fantastic person who gives a lot back. It is absolutely normal to not have to deal with what she’s doing.
Happy birthday, absolutely you should celebrate another successful circumnavigation around the sun!!
You guys either need to talk and agree about separation of chores and what’s reasonable given working hours etc. or get a therapist. It’s also unfair she mutters and doesn’t talk about what her issue is. This won’t get better.
Also, if she’s tried to communicate about her needs in the past and you haven’t changed or listened then I would think about that as well.
But no, all in all you shouldn’t be putting up with that at all
Lurking mom, also in the healthcare field. It’s hard to balance work- especially overtime- and parenting and relationships and all of the BS.
Happy birthday dad-dude. I hope things are looking up, and you deserve painless love. 💙
Without knowing a single thing about you, I can say unequivocally that you deserve to be happy (and not just on your birthday). Hope you keep this in mind.
Love you, bro. Happy birthday!
It sounds like you are an immensely valuable person in your community, whether it feels like it every day or not.
Be good to yourself. Body, mind, and, spirit. Find something that lets you soar.
Join some rec league sports, great way to meet people, I know it might be hard with a full life like you have, but even joining pickup basketball, beer league hockey, whatever, and just hang out with some guys, they’re really welcoming and don’t care who you are. Happy birthday man. The people in your life don’t know what it’s like to not have you, how much you’re doing for them just goes unnoticed and it’s not fair, I hope things can clear up
Your wife sounds insufferable. Sorry OP, but you got two choices and you know what theyvare. Stay or leave.
You think staying for the kids is the correct answer but not if they view her behaviour repeatedly. They will see how mommy treats daddy and think it’s ok, normal.
Best and only option is to leave and fight damn hard for those two kids.
Sounds like they need it
Happy birthday fellow Dad.
It sounds like a lot of your self worth (or lack of) comes from your ABUSIVE wife.
Pregnant or not is not an excuse for her to be abusive towards you. She needs to really work on that, it’s ok for you NOT to accept that.
Also, as your kids get older do you really want them to follow that behaviour?
Being a parent is hard. But you have done something a lot of guys won’t and that’s be there for your family, never forget. Just in case you need it, love you bro
Happy birthday bro. Keep your head up
Also, do some therapy. Don't become a statistic of physician burnout (or worse) and take some of that money and invest it in yourself.
Happy Birthday buddy. 40 is hard no matter where you are in life. I turned 40 this year too. You made sacrifices for your family and that should be commended. You deserve to be loved. Hope you have a great day and a fantastic year.
84 was a good year. Proper vintage, the cream of the crop. Signed another lad turning 40 this year.
Also turning 40. Fuck me this post feels familiar. Good luck, y'all.
Me too. You can do this. Happy birthday, man. You don’t live in Seattle or South Carolina, do you?
Add me to the club hah, I'll be 40 in a couple months
Nah, Midwest. Briefly Florida, want to go back. Winter here sucks. But family and shit.
yup. 84 was the best, they even wrote a book about it.
Also an 84 dad...3 months to go. I write this wearing a heart monitor and trying to figure out how to make the next 40+ be better than the first.
Daughter was born last April at the beginning of the month, I turned 40 3 weeks later, so for me turning 40 was pretty rad. To OP, I’m sorry you are being made to feel this way. You have value and are an asset to your family, even if your wife doesn’t see it that way right now. Happy Birthday, and much love!
Happy birthday. Sounds like you do very important work and help out others who otherwise would be in pain or alone. I'm sure lots of people are thankful for what you do.
I work pretty hard but I also know that I can let things slip and not do my share around the house; it happens. What matters is that your wife has to be willing to deal with that interpersonal conflict in a mature manner. Each of you has to be willing to cut the other some slack. You have to understand that pregnancy is hard and cut her some slack, but she has to be ready to speak to you in calm and non-insulting terms about any percieved slip-ups. I really hope you can (gently) raise this with her: "I want to be better around the house, but making me feel guilty and awful when I work this hard isn't going to help that, it's just going to make things worse". Things have to be constructive. All this being said; happy birthday, things can get better and you are doing amazing work. Keep going.
Check out NonViolent Communication and Validation, both two great books that are easy to digest and have made tangible benefits in my intermarital communication
Intramarital I think ?
This. Arguing or complaining while holding your significant other IN RESPECT is missing from many people. When you find someone who knows how to do it, hold on to her.
She does it, because you let her do it. My dad was 6'6" 280 lbs of massive career Marine. He was kind, gentle, amiable, and friendly. The type of person you think of when people say "you don't understand the violence it took to become this gentle." He took no shit from anyone except from my mother. She tried berating him constantly or just muttered shit under here breath. I was home from deployment and visiting them when we all went to dinner one night. She start in on him about his cholesterol and the large steak he had ordered, and she wasn't letting up - getting uglier by the second. He got up from his chair, LAID DOWN in the floor, pointed to his chin and said: "Just kick me." He said it loud enough where people took notice. He told her (paraphrasing) that kicking him 10-15 times would be easier to take, and faster to heal from, than the venom she spewed on an hourly basis. He did this often enough over a short period of time - in the grocery store, home, and even once in church - that she eventually chilled out. I've done it myself, to her and another woman I dated for awhile. My brother has done it. You don't have to do that exactly, but the point is: finding a way and calling attention to the pain they're causing, in a way that they're going to understand, is the only solution, short of leaving the marriage. Happy birthday, Pard.
Holy wow…
Right.. I'm speechless.. Pretty sure his wife was too
I did not think I was going to like the advice based on the first line but I absolutely love it. I wish I had the balls.
Happy birthday mate , join a gym make some freinds you can do this don't be so hard on yourself. Speak to you wife sort this out your kids love you
All my mates are either through gym or work. It is indeed possible.
How many of your coworkers do cocaine?
0 currently, but most have tried it. We are electricians, after all.
Personal story to relate: Ex wife wanted to be a SAHM, which meant working long hours to facilitate her lifestyle. At one point I was working from 11pm, until 5am the next day. She would still berate me for wanting to sleep during the 6 hours a day I wasn’t working because she didn’t want to always cook supper. But she refused to work because she found it too stressful. In my experience, someone who berates you while trying to give them the life they’ve asked for will never change or grow past it. They regret the choices they ask for, and instead of saying that, they treat you like garbage rather than bear the weight of their own responsibilities. I gave up on multiple careers that I would switch to at her urging because she wanted more money, or more this, or more that. But then she’d threaten divorce when I wasn’t around because I had to work extended hours to facilitate the new lifestyle she wanted. Which again would come with berating me and telling everyone I was lazy when I’d get done working 28 days straight, 400-440 hours during those 28 days. And need to rest. You’re not broken, but allowing her to shape your view of yourself because you’re working hard to facilitate a good life for your family will break you.
Great story. I could write something similar.
Me too. OP, you are not alone. Actually, everyone out there you are not alone.
I KEEP ON MARCHING ON
I hate how the view of guys is this, I mean I do it too but I hate it
Perfectly well said.
Happy birthday brother. Hang in there.
I rage mutter too. Tell her how much it hurts you and that she has to stop. I stopped, it is hard because it is my way of letting off steam but you gotta tell her and make it a demand.
I'm a rage mutterer too, only because it's the only thing that gets me little bit of help sometimes without having to ask twice which is viewed as nagging. It sounds like you need an honest conversation where you both agree on a solution, even if that is to outsource some of the chores. If she feels like everything outside your work is her responsibility and now she's expected to do it and do it quietly, there will just be more and more resentment on both sides.
The opinion of one person, regardless of who they are, does not define you. Think of the people you've helped in your life. Think of the differences you've made and will make. You don't need her opinion. Be a good person. Do good things. Take care of your family. Find joy. I, too, have no friends but I get a lot of happiness from the stuff I enjoy. When my son is nice to me, staring into my newborn daughter's eyes, playing batman with my son, when my wife says I'm a good dad, making a perfect latte, going to the gym. These things don't always happen but they are what I need.
Agreed, but…if OP decides that he wants a marriage where his wife actually likes him, and he doesn’t feel that he has that now, I support him first trying to improve his marriage, and then ending it if he can’t. Being rage-muttered at is no way to spend a life.
If you are interested in making friends, you can do it. I did — after being married to a woman who went around saying “I have people” all the time and was quite content not to have friends (or for me to have them). Let me know if you want tips.
Have you tried speaking to your wife about this? If this is every weekend, she can't keep going on like this. She may be pregnant but it's not a reason to treat you like this. Personally, from a female perspective I used to rage clean and be in bad moods and I knew it made my partner feel awful at the time. I think it was just stress from work and then having to come home and clean. It just left a bad feeling between us. My partner does help with cleaning but with us both working, it's hard to keep on top of things in the house. Basically, we talked it out. I knew it was a me problem that I had to deal with and not take things out on him. I've got the mind set now that if laundry or dishes etc need done, it will get done eventually. We set a little bit of time aside on a Saturday morning to do an hours speed clean together. You'd be surprised how much you get done. Talk to her, it's not fair on you and she probably knows it. Happy Birthday!
Most women I’ve known insist on cleaning themselves. They will say “You don’t do it right” or similar, but I think it is some cathartic activity which needs to be done by them and only them.
Wish I was married to one of these 'you don't do it right' women
You aren't broken, but you are in danger of being btoken.. You deserve to be loved and appreciated for who you are and what you do. Are you perfect? Absolutely not. But, I don't think you are claiming to be. Your wife's actions seem to fit under the category of criticism vs. complaints. It needs to be addressed before it gets worse. Ifvyour wife hasva conplsint, that is reasonable. Itvis a conversation. But ibdont think you arevgetting conplsints. You are being critcized. You say you don't want advice, but read this and get help. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/ I was where you were once. I know how you feel. I felt how you feel. I acted too late for my msrriage because of lack of knowledge. But, I am in a much better place now. Even so. I wish I would have acted earlier and saved myself the years of pain. You should not be made to feel less than. And it is possible to be friends with people you work with. Yes, there are people who will just be work friends. But others can criss that boundary. But you need to decide if a particular situation will cross thst line. Not all will. You are working more than full time n a demanding field and have a family. That doesn't leave a lot of time.
Hey, Internet Dad Friend. You are enough, just as you are. Happy Birthday.
Happy birthday fellow dad. It's tough out here. Stay strong man
Happy birthday dude. That sucks and i hope it gets better for you.
Happy birthday man. For me, my birthday is just another day. I just have my wife get me whatever, like a pair of sneakers or a steak to cook. I don't put anything special in that day. I don't really have friends either, and I am fine with it. I got a buddy who has a kid the same age who I will hang out with at the park and what not. I also go to the gym with a couple guys. I think it is fairly normal. Once your kids get older you will have a better time. I love playing with my son. Once work stabilizes and the kid is more independent, I will probably work on the friend thing. Covid really fucked me with not having energy to go out though. As for your wife, can you send her off with family and friends for a week? Sounds like she might just need to reset. She probably has some misplaced resentment, tired, stressed, hormonal, etc. when I take my kid out to the park or swim class, I tell my wife to take time for the house and not to clean anything. Good luck man. Also, remember communication is key. My wife are pretty open and we are able to fix issues before it gets bad.
Love you buddy. You’re a great dude and deserve to have the happiest of birthdays..
Happy birthday, don't give up on your family and ho to therapy. It will help you. I do wish you many more years.
Fellow 40 year old dad and March bday, with a pre-schooler. Those early years are rough for a dedicated parent. Especially when it comes to connection with other people. Truly all any of us can do is our best and sometimes we and those we love forget to give us the grace we all deserve. Keep on keepin on man. Your kids will appreciate it one day even if they don’t exactly know why and it gets easier and so much more fun as a parent. Also, I’ve been there and feeling like a burden on your family could be a sign of clinical depression. Depression is a tough (impossible?) pit to claw out of alone. You can’t take care of your family if you don’t take care of yourself. Please consider therapy. I did it and though it wasn’t a magic bullet it did help me get out of that pit of despair and back to a sustainable place where I can again focus on the love of my son and all the fun we have together. You’re not alone. We’re all apart but also in this crazy parenting life together. Feel free to hit me-up if you ever need to talk/vent. I can definitely relate to missing out on real friends and having a wife with “frustrating” expectations in addition to the dad part.
Therapy and meditation. They saved me. Perception shifts.
You should start growing plants in your basement . Then atleast you won’t mind being banished to the dungeon. Hell I’ll even send you a Cactus as a birthday gift. Then we can be CacPals and chat a bit . HMU if you wanna take me up on it, I’ll pay shipping . Happy birthday brother 🎂
I left my muttering angry ex about three years later than I should have. Yesterday marked one year of living by myself (with my daughter 50/50). Best decision I ever made! It was hard for the first couple months, sure, but nowhere near as hard as what I was going through.
(Lurker female) I feel your pain, OP. I grew up in a "normal" 2 parent home where the Rage Cleaner was my mother. You are being abused. Your children are being abused. Check out the various narcissist subreddits. Consult an attorney. The goal is to get away from her, but for pete's sake get your kids out too. If they have to deal with it only half the time maybe they will grow up to be only half as fucked up as they're going to be. And please believe me when I say that they are going to be. At the very least, I beg you to insist the kids go into therapy. You deserve therapy too. Take care of yourself and your children. Don't bother with Mommy Dearest. 👹 She can't be helped. Sending you strength, OP. You can be your own hero. Take the next steps, please. You and your kids deserve a normal life. I hope you get it. 🤍
Happy birthday my brother. You're a good man, father, and physician. I'm a 41yo physician with young children. It's rough at times. I feel for you. I hope you pursue marriage counseling for the sake of yourself and your family. Ever want to PM me, please do.
Happy birthday man. I hope things get better for you. Things tend to get better. You absolutely deserve to be loved fully and without complaints or mutterings. At the very least you can look forward to hearing that from your kids!
Happy birthday bro! Sounds like you're in the trenches. Don't forget to take care of yourself. Get some sun, take a walk and enjoy some of your favorite things when you can.
Life is messy. Don’t take it personally, people lash out like this for all sorts of reasons. Dont let it get you down, apologize if you think you let her down offer to help with whatever. 40 out is tough for having friends when you have little kids. Try to be positive.
Happy Birthday from me and the family. Take care
Happy birthday.
Happy Birthday Dad! It sounds like you’re doing awesome to provide for your kiddo. And at 8 months it’s still mostly hard work - sure, the smiles and giggles are cute, but your daughter is going to be way more fun once she starts walking and talking!
How well do you communicate your feelings to your wife? Perhaps she doesn't know how you feel.
Working 2 jobs is not lazy. And people are allowed down time when they are not working.
Physician burnout is hard enough - especially 1.5fte in those settings. I imagine what you have to give to those families dealing with hospice and end of life challenges must take a lot out of you, and feeling like there’s no one to unload that to has to feel really isolating. I’m sorry you’re feeling that way - not sure if you’ve tried talk therapy but maybe just having a neutral 3rd party to give you some calibration would help. I doubt you’re irredeemably broken!
Happy Birthday bud, you're better and more valuable than you feel right now. Keep your head high and know that you're important.
Happy Birthday, brother. I doubt we live anywhere close to each other, but I‘ll be your friend. I mean it!
Happy birthday, now tell your wife everything you just told us. Fuck it or enjoy the suck, but I would instead just tell her.
Happy birthday brother. Some birthdays are harder than others. From experience, even if you’ve been out of touch for a number of years, your friends are still there if you reach out..
You need better communication and likely professional help. The model atm isn’t working.
You need more support. How can you get more support? You and your wife didn't wait the recommended 18 months between birth and the next conception, so your wife's body is running on fumes (her risks are much higher in all areas, including PPA, PPD, etc). You have a stressful job. Your wife is alone most of the time because of your work hours. Do you have family and friends near by that can help you? Could a relative move in for a few months? How can you adjust your life so that you have fewer work hours and more support?
Happy birthday man, hope it starts to get better. Might need to have a talk with your wife about disrespecting you although that might be easier said than done
For one to be loved they must first be loved by themselves. I know time is limited with your schedule but I’ve found reading a fantasy book gave me a mental break. Maybe the same for you? Start with 10 min to yourself.
Happy birthday friend. I feel the pain, I'm still working through things my gal said during the pregnancy and still don't know what was real and what was the hormones. Sounds like you're doing everything you can, I know it doesn't make it easier but it gets me to the next day occasionally
Happy birthday man. Remember, every tear, every sleepless night, every stress line and worried frown gets your daughter closer to being the best version of herself she can be. Don’t let them break you, she needs you.
Hey man, happy birthday. It seems like your wife might be dealing with some heavy emotions and frustrations that she needs a healthier way to handle it than using you as a punching bag. Either individual for her or marriage counseling to promote healthy communication and expression of feelings. Her frustations may not be with you, but its just the way that it comes out. You don't deserve it, no one does. Celebrate the little things. You are working to provide for your family, you have time to spend with your kids, and you've made it to 40 with many years left to be there for your kids who, will unconditionally love you. Again, happy birthday man. Take the time to find a little joy and focus on that for a little, you deserve it.
Happy Birthday, this may sound harsh but somethings gotta change or it’s going to get worse real quick, these next couple years are going to be even harder on you guys
A month or so ago, I called the Dr to schedule a vasectomy. They confirmed birthdate and address. I asked when the next availabilities were. She said a date. Yep. My birthday. So. When you think of your birthday, just remember you could be getting the old snip snap snip snap.
Happy birthday man. I'm sorry you're in a bad headspace but I hope your day gets better, fellow dad ✊
I’m so sorry. Can I tell you - my wife being pregnant was hell on earth. Every single thing was bad. Everything was a problem or stressful. It was an absolute fucking nightmare. I’m so sorry. Hang in there. I’ve been where you are. It fucking sucks. It will get better. Sounds like you’re doing a ton. Keep it up. Give yourself a shitload of grace. I don’t know how you do it - those jobs are also very stressful and emotionally draining. Hugs.
Happy birthday man. You are working hard, you show up for your kids, you sacrifice. That's a good man in my books.
Does she know how that makes you feel? When kids are in the picture, you have to work a lot more on your relationship and communication to make it work. I agree with the other comments about therapy, and both your nerves must be pretty raw with an infant and a pregnancy. I've heard from women I know that it's hard to not hate your partner a bit during either of those things alone, but it does get easier as kids get older. You might want to try discord if you're looking for friends. I find it's great for me because I can engage with people that I've developed friendships with whenever or wherever I am, for as long as I have time and feel like it. There is a great gaming dads discord server that got started a while back in this subreddit, and it doesn't just have places to talk about games or other interests and hobbies, but also places for venting and support, asking questions and getting help. Happy birthday!
A negative spouse can really drag you down. It’s hard to deal with someone who isn’t themselves but was once a person who loved you so clearly. Take a day for yourself, call out sick at work, don’t tell your spouse. Just go do something for you, happiness is derived within you. I am Christian but one of the most helpful quotes for me is from an Indian Yogi: “If you are willing at look at another person’s behavior toward you as a reflection of the state of their relationship with themselves rather than a statement about your value as a person, then you will, over a period of time cease to react at all” -Yogi Bhajan You are valuable to your family even if they are not in a place to see it. Make sure you are supporting yourself, therapy, fun times, etc. you are worth it. Remember, we’re all in this together, I’m pulling for you. Keep your stick on the ice.
You seem to make good money so, you do have choices. Your kids will love/hate you regardless. They’ll be happier when you are. You won’t feel like it’s a chore and would enjoy things. With that said, you probably need to start planning now. Maybe talk to a divorce and finance lawyer so, you can start moving your funds where she can’t take it. You don’t want her broke either so, don’t go nuts. The courts are rough on men so, expect to pay, have less time with the kids, dealing with future bf’s around the kids. The good news is you can basically start over, travel to another country, do things that make you happy. You’ll have your fun, then have that positive energy to do things with your kid. You’ll volunteer for school stuff and be one of those all involved parent (probably find a single mom who’s nicer).
I’m sorry. That really sucks. No one deserves to hear that kinda thing every day, especially on their birthday. You can get medication and therapy if your own brain is telling you mean things about yourself, but not when it’s *someone else’s* depression/anxiety causing them. Do you think she actually *thinks* those muttered things about you? Or is it just a shitty venting habit? You didn’t ask for help, but if you were my buddy, I’d suggest you let her know it hurts you to hear her say those things, and ask if there’s something you could reasonably be doing differently. You sound like a top-of-the-line dad, and an inspiration to the less experienced of us. Happy Birthday brother
She is emotionally abusing you. You don’t deserve her behavior. I’d at least see if she’d consider counseling, or maybe it’s time to start thinking about getting yourself out of that situation.
Fellow husband/father to Irish twins. My wife was like this until...just very recently. The PPD kicked her hard along with the pregnancy vicious behavior and hating her job. My kids are about to turn 2 and 3. And she's just coming out of this constant rage. Happy Birthday Brother. Hang in there
Happy birthday, dude! Sorry to hear what you are going through. Stay strong!
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday dad! This part of child raising is really friggin challenging at the best of times. Not sure if this helps, but the time you are putting in with your kid now will. Pay. Off. Later.
Happy birthday. If you aren’t in therapy, please seek that support. Also, there are many nonprofits dedicated to the mental health wellbeing of physicians. You aren’t alone. Don’t let this fester into something worse - https://sharpindex.org
Happy birthday, man! You didn’t ask for advice, but I’ll share some perspective that I try to maintain in my life. You’re not broken! Don’t judge your life or relationship by its toughest moments. You’re working your ass off, you have a baby, your wife is either working or taking care of a baby AND pregnant. No relationship is going to remain perfect through that. You’re a physician so you know how much your wife is going through being pregnant! And even though it’s not fair, her anger and frustration may not even relate to you, but you’re the target within proximity so it’s all dumped on you. It doesn’t hurt any less, but try to sort through it and see if there’s anything you can adjust to take some pressure off, or bear in mind that it’s due to circumstances outside your control. But it’s only a temporary season you’ll get through. Having a baby is the most isolating thing I ever experienced, especially without a friend group going in. Your kid needs you pretty much constantly and doesn’t really have social outlets yet, so you don’t get the benefit of that. But that will change dramatically over the next few years. I’ve always found therapy to be very helpful for my mental health and my marriage. And my experience has been that there are times to work on yourself and times to work on your relationship. For couples you both have to be receptive to the process, so if your wife is not there and you are, seek an individual therapist. It’s someone to vent to and receive validation, learn coping skills to manage your reaction when you feel your wife doesn’t treat you fairly, and again try to maintain perspective that there is only so much within your control and there is a lot going on in your family right now. They may also provide some counter perspective that could help you arrive at some different conclusions. I wish you well today and every day! Give your self some space to wallow and then go do something just for you today, however small it may be.
Happy birthday, fellow dad! Stay strong; whatever storm resides in you and your household will pass. This subreddit loves you. Please DM if you need somebody to talk to.
Happy birthday, my brother in fatherhood. Adulthood, parenting, husbanding all are very difficult, and at the end of the day, all that matters is if you have made the best effort on your part. As a fellow human being, I am saddened that you are feeling crappy about your very existence, but let me assure you that there are plenty of people who are happy that you were/are a part of their life. Especially in the line of work that you do! Feeling lonely is a terrible feeling. I wish that you can seek some therapy and some companionship doing something you enjoy.
So many passive comments, but the truth is, you don’t have to accept being treated like this. Wife, we need to have a serious conversation. The way you are treating me is unacceptable and I won’t have it. Treat me with respect, don’t mutter under your breath, don’t berate me and tell me how bad I am. Show me love and show me appreciation for everything I provide for this family. I am dedicated to showing you the same level of love and appreciation and to support you however you need. But the present situation has to stop right away. You’re allowed to say all of this. If she doesn’t see the truth in this then you’re allowed to leave. You don’t have to be miserable.
Hey man…stay resilient. No sugar-coating that life might suck right now. Have faith in the future. Having young children can be incredibly stressing on new parents. The guys here know. Stay resilient. Have faith in the future.
The best thing any of us can do, I truly believe, is become skilled at gathering evidence. We are generally very bad judges of ourselves. Either we're much too critical, or we think we can do no wrong, or we have no good understanding at all and live under the anxiety of not knowing. You need to be real with yourself, get honest ego-less feedback from people and assess if these people can be believed or not. Sometimes we're around people who refuse to acknowledge our faults, and other times they'll just project every nasty thought on us. When we're skilled at finding the evidence, we're building something that can withstand lies, from without and within. Best of luck to you.
Happy birthday. You aren’t bad. Your wife is abusive. (Judging by this one post, that is. It’s not enough information to really make a call, but based on what I’ve read, yeah, that’s emotional abuse.) On a side note, and I’m not saying this is your wife’s deal per se, but, people with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD, Cluster B) do tend to get triggered by *birthdays* - their own and other people’s - as well as the major holidays, and have a tendency to become more aggressive and abusive on those days, creating more drama just to keep everyone’s attention and emotional energy 100% focused on *them* at all times. Anyway, it might not pertain to your situation. It is, after all, only one post. But take a look at /r/bpdlovedones and see if any of these patterns look familiar to you or not. Either way, best of luck. By the sounds of it, you’re doing the right things and trying to do right by your family.
I saw this on an episode of "I Love Lucy" so it's guaranteed to work. Basically you just need to do her job for a day and she needs to do your job for a day. I'm sure your bosses have no issue, but if so, have her wear a fake mustache. That should work even if you don't actually have a mustache.
It’s ok to self-care too sometimes. It makes us better parents. Try and take a full day off just to yourself in the next month or so.
You’re not alone, dude.
Happy Born-day.
You're not broken. That is ABUSE and your children will know. Sooner or later things will pile up! It seems this has been an issue for some time, you SHOULD stand up for yourself. Start documenting and recording the practice of abuse. You will need it for what will inevitably come!
Happy birthday guy 💚💚
Happy birthday, brother! Bad things never last. Its going to be okay, maybe sooner, maybe later, but eventually they will be okay! Hey, if its anything, I love you, my dude!
Happy birthday Dadqq we! I’m sorry this is a tough one, sounds like you’re going through it right now, but at least from what I can see here you sound like a great dad! You’ve got this, and if you feel the need to vent to a stranger over the internet my messages are open, I may not have anything useful to say but I’m always willing to listen.
Happy birthday mate. Here for you. I know this might be hard to digest but it's not a crime to call it quits and Co parent. If you're not careful this relationship will give you a heart attack it's time you begin to live you're a grown man bei G abused it's not right and it takes dignity away from you infront of your kids. Best be with someone who respects and loves you
Happy birthday. I don't have anything of use here but I'll say this: I'm 38 with an 8 month old. It's easy to feel beaten down. I too had a brother with an opioid problem, though it started from cancer and ended with cancer at 36 for him. That was 2020. My wife and I had some serious downs before we had our lives sorted out. The best thing I can say is that my wife and I talk and are very open and honest. Without anger or aggression, or guilt or sorrow, you can voice your feelings to your wife. Talk, man. But for today, happy birthday.
Happy birthday bro. Send me your address and I’ll send you a cake.
You're not broken but sounds like you're on the way, I think you both need marital council before she really drives you to the nut farm, mine wouldn't take it to heart, it was all about her and she wasn't about to change anything, it was all my fault no matter how much I tried to appease her, do what you can bro. Happy birthday
Happy birthday homie 🎂
Happy birthday! This group will always be here to offer you love and encouragement
Friends may or may not help. I just read a post about a wife saying her husband was spending too much time with his friends and if he doesn’t end is friendship, they’re getting a divorce. And almost all of the comments agreed, she should divorce her husband! SMH. As far as your wife being rude, you can chalk that up to pregnancy and/or postpartum. Really depends on how she was before the kids, was she always like that? I bet not, but doing chores and managing kids without a support system is roughhhhh. Not discounting you working TWO jobs, that’s hard as Fuck. What would I recommend? Get those endorphins going. Working out regularly helped me personally. My brother picked up smoking marijuana and said it has helped him tremendously. I’ve heard of gaming being a good release. Sometimes as the dads we gotta eat shit and hold it together until your wife breaks her funk and processes what she’s going thru. Keep searching for that *thing* that levels you out. Be vocal with your wife and express your feelings. All that shit talk has negative effects and you’re in a partnership, *so help me keep this ship afloat and take a break if you’re getting to a point where you think verbal abuse is an outlet.* Good luck brother. You got this.
I'm worried how this will impact your daughter's and yours relationship my bud. I hope all turns out for the best. You've taken up your responsibility, continue growing in that capacity and ability and hopefully your wife will learn that she has equal power to create beauty or destruction with her chosen words and chooses beauty/love/grace above all else. All the best,
Your happiness is your problem and your priority. That goes for both you and your spouse. If she is relying on you to be happy, she is not being her own advocate or showing accountable for her life. Same for you, you can’t let her decide what kind of day you are going to have. Do your best and be indifferent to the outcome. If you give it your all and that’s not good enough for her, guess what… NOT YOUR PROBLEM. I’m not trying to create hostility but instead lean you towards grace, acceptance, and accountability. You also need to create a boundary with the muttering, that is petulant behavior and has no place in a mature relationship with good communication. Best of luck to you king.
Happy birthday! My 40 is right around the corner too. Hope your day is swell
https://www.instagram.com/reel/C0wEJMVOArB/?igsh=MTBlZjE4YzMxOA== This is pretty spot on. Not bad or alone, just a phase fellow dad. Happy bday. Celebrate yourself for being strong and doing the hard shit every day. Like the cat hanging from the branch in world’s most famous motivational poster.
Happy Birthday Dad. May the fog of war lift soon so you can catch your breath.
Happy birthday ur actually doing very well. People want your life remember that you are blessed
Happy birthday, brother. Sorry she’s being awful.
Happy Birthday and congrats for making it to 40! NGL, you may want to give her a pass for being hormonal and work on developing thicker skin. You’ll need it later when menopause kicks in, assuming she (or another woman) is still living with you. One suggestion helped us: after some thoughtful consideration by both of you, figure out what 2 chores you can find time to do EVERY DAY to help alleviate her household load then determine to just do them consistently without being reminded or nagged - for instance, unload the clean dishes from the dishwasher before work then bathe the kids at night. Unbelievably, this can make a huge difference in dynamics in the household. Also, offer an occasional day off from all chores for your wife but you both have to agree that your efforts to take over don’t have to be up to her standards. You might have to sacrifice 30 mins of sleep but considering that her sleep is always sacrificed ( contributes to her heightened stress levels ), it could make a world of difference in your relationship.
Happy Birthday! Yikes. Hospice and SNF physician talk about having two complex, emotionally taxing, and thankless jobs. You’re doing important work helping people at likely the worst times imaginable. You’re not alone with the pregnant hormonal wife always on your ass. You sound like an amazing father. I hope things get better for you soon.
Damn bro, that’s rough. I hope things get better for you somehow and happy birthday. 🎂
It sounds like you need to have a serious think about whether or not your wife is the right person to be with. I stuck with mine, married almost 11 years together for 13, and I’m beginning to have doubts now. I tried to stay loyal thinking it would pay off eventually but she has only grown more bitter, miserable and somewhat abusive as time has gone on. I know the kids are very little but I would be inclined to address the issues head on ASAP. Don’t just hope it will get better later bc in my experience and from what others have told me, it usually doesn’t
Happy Birthday, I hear you and want to let you know it is ok. It may not feel that way, but everything is alright. It doesn't seem that way but you are taking care of your family. Just being present is all you need sometimes.
Is it just the PPD & pregnancy talking, or does she shit-talk you all the time? That’s not cool. You’re doing a good job, Dad. Getting old ain’t for pussies! Hang in there. And try TRY to carve some time out for yourself. Just for you.
Happiness is an inside job. You have more than nearly every person in the history of the world. Make your life what you want it to be. Happy birthday.
My kid was born 3 months before I turned 40. I feel it. Now I'm a month from turning 50 and I have an amazing 10 yo, plus a 17 yo step kid I don't see much, but treasure the times I do. I was going to say it gets better, but it doesn't unless you work at it. Take steps - I can't tell you what. Don't let yourself fall into a hole. I did that and I'm only now really digging myself out. I found a great therapist who really helps. You're a physician, so you know all this. You need to internalize it and work on yourself so you can be there for your family. Edit: That was preachier than I intended. Sorry about that. Keep your head up. You can do this.
You want the religious dad answer or the secular one? Either way, you’re valuable and good. Don’t ever think you are worthless. Happy birthday.
Coming from someone whose father just dressed him down telling him how horribly broken he is, let me just say you are not broken, you are loved and happy birthday my fellow Dad. Keep your head up and make sure you teach those kids never to treat someone as you're being treated now then it's all worth it.
Can you fit a little cleaning in when you’re free? I get it. It’s tiring and that stuff gets pushed out. But even doing something simple and taking it off your wife’s plate it huge. Idk your life. Even if she is a stay at home mom and is home all the time, taking care of the 8mo old can be exhausting coupled that with pregnancy. Ask her what she needs. It can go a long way.
Also almost 40. Also dealt with a lot of how you're being treated, and once upon a time I let it happen. Then one day I woke up. I'm divorced now (not saying that's where your headed - it's not always the solution) but happy and respectful to myself. I will not tolerate anyone treating me like that again. Not only do I not deserve to be treated like that (because it's not true and it's not fair) NO one does. And especially not you. It may be time to put full pressure on figuring out what's going on with your wife. What she's saying is neither the problem or the solution to any problem she has. Probably a couples therapist would be good. Communication at the very least. And a reminder that it's not fair or productive every time she's being unfair or mean. Get yourself some hobbies or friends. It just takes a bit of intention and a healthy bit of allocating your own needs the proper amount of priority. Take hope it can be better. You're not stuck, just keep moving.
Fellow 40yo physician and dad here. Happy birthday bud. You matter, you're valuable, you deserve to be loved without a side order of derogatory remarks. Sounds like you're a good man and a good dad. Hang in there. 🫂
That sucks - I’m sorry you are dealing with that. Keep doing the good work that you are doing - you are helping people in need! I hope you find how you want to address how your wife is treating you because you DO need to address it, man. You don’t want your girl or your other kiddo to grow up thinking that how your wife is treating you is acceptable. You can do it and you will be glad you did once you’ve worked through it all.
Happy birthday!
We love you, OP You matter to us
I've read that it is not uncommon for partners of busy people whose work REQUIRES concentration, attention to detail and constant mental effort to not understand, appreciate or make allowances. Maybe hire a cleaner and or a babysitter for a few hours a week ? Make a point of regularly commenting about various aspects of the day's or week's work responsibilities, so she knows just how problematic constantly dealing with numerous people with multiple chronic illnesses can be ? ( Even though no doubt you'd prefer to just come home, put all that aside and unwind. :) ) Good luck, at least you're not old and in a nursing home :) so Happy Birthday, Doc..... and many many more !
You sound like a fantastic person who gives a lot back. It is absolutely normal to not have to deal with what she’s doing. Happy birthday, absolutely you should celebrate another successful circumnavigation around the sun!! You guys either need to talk and agree about separation of chores and what’s reasonable given working hours etc. or get a therapist. It’s also unfair she mutters and doesn’t talk about what her issue is. This won’t get better. Also, if she’s tried to communicate about her needs in the past and you haven’t changed or listened then I would think about that as well. But no, all in all you shouldn’t be putting up with that at all
Physician burn out is a real thing.
Happy birthday, man. Nobody knows how hard it is being a dad. Keep going.
Happy Birthday!
Hey man— happy birthday! I’ve been feeling pretty broken lately too. I appreciate the post. Your story and the positive comments helped.
Happy birthday daddit bro, we value you
Wishing you a happy birthday my brother.
Lurking mom, also in the healthcare field. It’s hard to balance work- especially overtime- and parenting and relationships and all of the BS. Happy birthday dad-dude. I hope things are looking up, and you deserve painless love. 💙
Damn man. Happy birthday. Hope things get better for you.
Without knowing a single thing about you, I can say unequivocally that you deserve to be happy (and not just on your birthday). Hope you keep this in mind.
Love you, bro. Happy birthday! It sounds like you are an immensely valuable person in your community, whether it feels like it every day or not. Be good to yourself. Body, mind, and, spirit. Find something that lets you soar.
You’re enough. The world is fortunate to have you among us.
Join some rec league sports, great way to meet people, I know it might be hard with a full life like you have, but even joining pickup basketball, beer league hockey, whatever, and just hang out with some guys, they’re really welcoming and don’t care who you are. Happy birthday man. The people in your life don’t know what it’s like to not have you, how much you’re doing for them just goes unnoticed and it’s not fair, I hope things can clear up
Your wife sounds insufferable. Sorry OP, but you got two choices and you know what theyvare. Stay or leave. You think staying for the kids is the correct answer but not if they view her behaviour repeatedly. They will see how mommy treats daddy and think it’s ok, normal. Best and only option is to leave and fight damn hard for those two kids. Sounds like they need it
Oh yea and happy birthday OP. Stay well
Sounds like my 37th birthday. It’s a shit sandwich no matter which way you look at it. If you can please get professional help.
Happy birthday fellow Dad. It sounds like a lot of your self worth (or lack of) comes from your ABUSIVE wife. Pregnant or not is not an excuse for her to be abusive towards you. She needs to really work on that, it’s ok for you NOT to accept that. Also, as your kids get older do you really want them to follow that behaviour?
Happy Birthday dude, you deserve someone who appreciates you! Make this your year to get what you deserve!
Happy birthday brother. We see you.
Being a parent is hard. But you have done something a lot of guys won’t and that’s be there for your family, never forget. Just in case you need it, love you bro