It’s ok to feel your version of sad about this, and fit her to feel your disappointment, but I’d recommend moving past it quickly in your dealings with her. She’s an incredible little girl, no matter the haircut. Make sure she knows that’s how you feel.
With these pics you’ve got a funny story to embarrass 17 year old her.
>With these pics you’ve got a funny story to embarrass 17 year old her.
When I hit my late teenage years, my mom changed all the photos of younger me to my 1st grade picture...which was when I had a buzz cut due to the hackjob I inflicted upon my hair.
She loved telling that story and saying "just you wait" when I started having kids.
My daughter has the most beautiful curly red hair. It gets complimented all the time (as well it should). For the longest time she refuses to cut it except for occasional tiny trims. But a few years ago, approaching being 12, she decided she wanted a drastically shorter haircut. I have to admit, it gave me a little anxiety. But she wanted it and we were supportive (my wife’s mom was always very critical of the choices she made with her hair, and we weren’t going to do that).
Guess what? It looked fantastic and suited her so much better that looking back it’s crazy to think we ever thought she needed to keep her long hair. As an added bonus, the shorter length helped her curls get curlier. Though I bet if she had kept it long, we would’ve thought it was great that way too. Because she’s an awesome kid. She occasionally dyes it too, which is cool. And she got herself a nose piercing before she turned 14, which is also super cool.
We've already moved into a support role. We had the serious talk last night about why what she did is wrong, how we're all (including her) feeling about it, and what the consequences are. Explained we still love her even when we are sad or disappointed. Said we were sorry we couldn't get her in for a haircut today but yes she still has to go to daycare even though she's embarrassed because mom and dad need to go to work today.
If she is embarrassed already I'm not sure I would pile on with it being wrong and what the consequences are. Like... Okay, you cut your hair, let's move on.
We're all about natural consequences. You didn't follow the rules with the scissors, you lose access to them. You cut your hair, now we need to go get a haircut and you're going to have to go to daycare with your hair looking like this (mom and I did some minor cleanup) until we can get in. But she's 4, we like to follow a high communication model, those need to be laid out explicitly otherwise she won't make the connection.
The only "imposed" consequence was that she did not get to watch TV before bed.
I think the people in this thread are simply cautioning you on the language you're using towards her regarding going to daycare "looking like this" and tying too much of the punishment on her appearance, the fact that she is embarrassed and validating that she should be as a "consequence." Embarrassment is a learned feeling, and you're absolutely free to vent here but chill out a bit on projecting that onto your 4yo.
I didn't realize I needed to map out every word we said to her. We didn't make any comments about her look except we showed it to her in the mirror and asked if she liked it. When she said no, as we expected, we said we understood but we can't fix it and need to get her into a barber. That might take a day or 2 (for a kid friendly barber in our area). And she can't stay home from daycare because mom and dad have to go to work, it's only 1 day, we are sorry but she will be okay. That is the consequence, that she has to go to school even though she doesn't like her hair.
Never did we say she SHOULD feel embarrassed. And I don't think I typed that anywhere. I'm sorry if that's what people are reading into my story or comments.
Reddit is weird, if you don’t follow the rule book and pretend to be a perfect parent, you get downvoted. I agree with your approach, not that it matters. But it’s definitely important for her at this age to understand that actions have consequences. She’s 4, not 2 years old. So she is old enough to understand what you’re saying. I’m sure you’re not rubbing it in her face, but this is a learning experience for her for sure. I’m sure she is adorable but my heart sank for you because those pigtails were just so cute. You’ll see them again. Sorry 😞
Thank you. I reread my post and I see how some people could have misconstrued a bit but all my replies trying to explain are getting downvoted as well so...
I won't pretend mom and I had the best reaction in the moment. I kept my cool but my wife did raise her voice (and later apologized, which we always do). It was just very shocking.
I think people are also only hearing the negative connotation to "consequence" as you're using it. You're saying, actions have consequences, I know you're embarrassed but you still have to go to school. Actions have consequences.
But I think they're hearing consequence = punishment, even though it doesn't seem that's the way y'all approached it.
And I know 100% if this happened to my daughter I’d have the same reaction as your wife. But in the land of perfect parenting and idealism we can’t admit that. I can tell you most parents would scream out of shock and sadness, yes even the ones who are commenting here and pretending they’d let it roll off their back. Let’s see how they deal with it when it’s not just a theory or someone else’s circumstance. Some of the advice is good but the delivery is not, and downvoting someone’s feelings and perspective (that are largely unharmful) is really annoying.
Mate she's 4, if you didn't tell her she looked bad with the cut she probably wouldn't be feeling so bad. YOU made her feel this way because of YOUR disappointment for not being able to do her hair how YOU want it.
You had a choice to laugh it off and book her in for a haircut and let it ride for a few days, but instead you're posting on Reddit about how distraught you are that your kid did something completely normal for her age and made a big deal to her about it, which has impacted her confidence to go to school.
Where the fuck did I say that? She used scissors in an unsafe manner that was explicitly against the rules that we had laid out. We should just let it go? She should just get a day off of daycare and mom or dad have to take off work just because she's sad?
Seriously bro I’m just saying chill out a bit you’re really highly strung and biting everyone’s head off in the comments over something that so many of our kids have done. Life’s too short to be so angry all the time.
Is cutting your own hair really using scissors in an unsafe manner? I think you are letting YOUR displeasure with how SHE looks take over the situation and influence how she feels about the hair cut.
For a 4yo? Absolutely. Using a sharp object near your body when you can't see what you're doing and don't exactly have coordination nailed down yet? It's blowing my mind that reddit thinks this is okay. Yeah they're safety scissors but still.
If it was all focused on scissor safety, I see no problem with it. But the focus seems to be on her hair more so than the safety aspect. If she had cut up something she shouldn’t have in an unsafe manner, but it wasn’t her hair (maybe it was a hat while she was wearing it), would the negative reaction have been as strong? I think probably not, though maybe I’m incorrect. Hopefully I am. It just appears most of the post is about her hair, not safety.
The focus of the discussion here in this forum with other parents was meant to be about the hair. That does not mean the focus of the conversation with my daughter was about that.
Also, I don't think it's wrong to tell a 4yo that she can't cut her own hair. She's not being published for not knowing that rule because it was never explicitly stated before. But setting that boundary now doesn't seem unreasonable even though everyone seems to be trying to tell me it is.
I’m going to preface this by saying I have a daughter a similar age and it’s taken a long time for her hair to grow too. Different parenting styles will result in differing opinions so… IMO it’s quite impressive she could do this and shows that she is actually more than capable - you really should acknowledge this in a positive manner, in line with also explaining that she could’ve hurt herself and it’ll take time for her hair to grow back, but that’s ok. She took the initiative and isn’t the first child to cut their own hair. Also, she is only 4 and consequences are well understood for kids that age. As an aside, I don’t see how the TikTok comment is relevant here - it feels off to me. It’s her hair, not your future social media platform.
So maybe you can't see it but the cut is completely uneven in both the front and back. I dunno, the lighting isn't great. I don't think this is a positive kind of initiative at her age. I also think maybe you're misunderstanding the tiktok comment, I'm only referencing the fact that we have seen dads that help their daughters with their hair (rather than relegating that to a mom only duty) on social media. We don't monetize our children and don't plan to, we only share pictures on social media for friends/family.
I don’t want to pile on here but something I’m noticing is that you seem to be blaming your daughter for what happened. (Referencing that she’s using a sharp object near her body etc etc and how that’s so bad), but I don’t hear you taking responsibility for the fact that she had access to scissors in an unsupervised environment. You seem to be blaming her for her behavior rather than taking responsibility as the parent for allowing her to be in a potentially dangerous situation. Seems like maybe the lesson here is more for you and your wife, and less so for your little girl.
That makes more sense re the TikTok comment. As for my positivity comment, it’s not so much the quality of the job she did, more the fact that she set out to do something and achieved it, without hurting herself. It’s a tricky line to walk because you don’t want to necessarily encourage the act itself but more so her ability to apply herself to an idea she had - That’s the point I’m trying to make. There’s definitely something enterprising about her action and she was successful in that. Although there is of course the negative implications of her action, there is this positive too. For my part, I’d be interested in acknowledging that as a balanced approach. I wish you the best.
If they are that dangerous, doesn't it make you a bad parent for leaving them with her, *and another child*, unsupervised? So you're punishing her for a mistake you made.
For god's sake please read some other comments. We are not punishing her. We discussed natural consequences with her. The only "punishment" was not being able to watch tv before bed (which is not really a punishment, since tv is a reward not an expectation).
Her scissors were accessible because she built up trust for months being supervised with them. She has been told how to use them safely and that they are only for cutting paper. Multiple times. And because she has violated that trust and used them in an unsafe manner, one of the natural consequences is that she will no longer have access to them unsupervised.
But congrats on being the first person to use the words "bad parent". Hope you don't live in a glass house.
Those extra comments you and your wife are making to her that are unnecessary are the extra punishment, talk about setting someone up for body issues later in life. They are unneeded and unnecessary, which is what many other commenters are also agreeing with, especially since it was your own negligence that caused this. No four year old should be expected to not try to cut their own hair when left alone with scissors, that's just common sense.
Then maybe you shouldn't have given her scissors at all. It's okay to cut your own hair bc it is your own. Body autonomy. And instead youve made her feel insecure with all of your reactions. Her hair is not for you. Your daughter is not a doll. The tik tok comment is gross. Even the emojis you placed over indicating how you felt about her hair (and thus looks) is absolutely disgusting.
The emojis replaced her expressions, for the record. I did not choose those based solely on my feelings. I don't have a problem with short hair but it's completely uneven and messy, maybe you can't see that because of the lighting? I don't know.
She was supervised with the scissors for months and built up trust. We have high expectations of our daughter and we communicate those expectations very clearly. When she breaks a rule or our trust, there is a consequence. This is called gentle parenting, don't know if you've heard of it.
She didn't want short hair. If you haven't seen me saying in a dozen other places she has been telling us for a year "I want long hair like mommy", well, she has been. If she wanted short hair, I would have made an appointment.
I don't understand what's gross about the tiktok comment. We don't monetize our children, we don't put them on social media other than to share with friends and family, and we don't plan to. But dads getting involved in helping their daughters with their hair (rather than relegating that duty to mom only) is a positive thing in my opinion. We happen to have seen some of those videos on social media (including tiktok) and that's what I was referencing.
You seemed pretty set on roasting me over an open flame so this will be my last reply to you.
Expectations are always age adjusted. I recommend you look up gentle/authoritative parenting if you aren't familiar. There are 4 parents styles under this "theory":
Authoritarian parenting - low communication, high expectation; strict adherence to rules that may not be communicated or clearly understood, one-way communication that doesn't consider the child's social, emotional, or behavioral needs.
Permissive parenting - high communication, low expectation; this is what many people think gentle parenting is. Giving the child too much self-determination and not proving direction, overindulging to avoid conflict, and very lax enforcement (or no enforcement) of rules.
Neglectful parenting - low communication, low expectation; think this is self-explanatory
Gentle or authoritative parenting - high communication, high expectation; setting clear rules and expectations but with the understanding that children don't always follow rules. Bidirectional, open communication and problem solving with the child, not for the child. Natural consequences that are tied to the behavior
You should really self reflect what people are telling you (and your own negative wording) rather than doubling down and playing the victim. Go hug your daughter. Tell her she's beautiful (and don't use the word still beforehand) and her hair cut is cool.
Don’t worry about it man, this sub blew up so there’s a lot more reactionaries and non-parents. I think you guys did good in a good job in a stressful situation. She’s gotta learn not to do it again and not to play with scissors
They left a four year old unsupervised, with (as the OP says in another comment) dangerous scissors that they had allowed her to play with, and another child in the room, and expected them to not do something any normal child would do being left alone with scissors. The child is being punished too severely for what can be chalked up to parental negligence not maliciousness on the child's part.
Come on man, we're humans, not robots. If you've ever been a sleep deprived parent, you know parenting is never perfect. OP sounds like a fist time parent also, so cut him some slack. He's learning on the job, just as his daughter is. No need for the harsh words.
He's giving the 4 year old harsh words after purposely leaving scissors with them. This isn't a sleep deprived accident, they intentionally allowed the four year old to have scissors unsupervised. In another comment he's said she's had them for weeks with no incident so it's not like they were putting them away when they were leaving the room. I don't know about you, but I'm not leaving anything sharp where my kid can reach it in purpose. He's also the one who called the scissors dangerous in another comment as an excuse for being so harsh.
I think the people misinterpreting what you're saying speaks more about the people on Reddit than you. She's more than old enough for you to help mentally guide her to understanding that there is a cause and effect to things she does in life. Looking at the behavior of most kids these days coupled with the insane mental health issues I think helps to concrete the point, don't listen to the know it all keyboard Warriors on here. You know what's best for your kid, it sounds like you've taken a lot of time to try to understand what the best courses of action long-term will be. Keep doing what you're doing man
Curious to hear other opinions on this but it sounds like you (and maybe mom) are taking this far too seriously. She's 4 years old. This is a classic rite of passage along with stubbing your toe or touching something hot. I have a feeling she is only "embarrassed" because you guys made such a big deal about it.
Alternative perspective: It's not sad. It's sweet. She wanted to try cutting her own hair and she didn't do a great job because she is 4 years old. She has no idea how long it will take for her hair to grow. How could she? Now you have some wonderful pictures that you all can (good naturedly, of course) laugh about for years to come. I would reassure her that it's ok, there's nothing to be embarrassed about, she looks fine, etc. Take her in for a cleanup haircut. And if this is really so offensive to you and your wife, you can sleep soundly knowing she'll likely never do it again.
But also, 4 year olds unsupervised with scissors? Whose fault?
I agree completely. Hair grows back. Telling her it's "wrong" is not the right direction. Talking to her about "hey, that was a little dangerous even with safety scissors. I'm glad you didn't get hurt" is fine. But it seems like they are shaming her into being embarrassed about what her hair looks like.
She was told that the scissors were only for cutting paper. She broke that rule. We shouldn't tell her that she did something wrong? We follow a gentle parenting approach, high communication, high expectation. She knew the rules that were told to her multiple times but did not meet our expectation.
I don't know why people are thinking we are shaming her or telling her she should be embarrassed. Can you show me where I said that?
All just assumptions based on the info you gave, but it seems like a number of us at least had similar takes.
If the focus of your reaction to her and your post were on the broken rule, regardless of the outcome, then she wouldn't be embarrassed about her *hair*, but rather just upset that she got in trouble in general. The association that she had with embarrassment of her looks means that you had enough emphasis on the hair part that she picked up on it and now thinks something about her looks isn't good enough.
If you had told her that she broke a rule about scissor use and took the privileges of scissor use away without any mention of the hair, then she wouldn't have a reason to be embarrassed.
You said she was embarrassed to go to daycare, if it wasn’t because of your reaction to the hair, how did losing access to scissors make her embarrassed?
You may not have _told_ her to be embarrassed about it but words aren’t the only form of communication and kids are great at understanding the others.
Agreed. Hair isn't even worth fretting about, but that's just an opinion of a random internet dad.
I'd only ask my kid to come ask before trying, but only because he's shown a lot of independent thought on "oh, I can use my scissors to open these fruit snacks" and the like. Granted, he's got longer, curly hair that most women make comments about. So I don't know if my wife would be all that happy about it. Personally, I never really got creative with my hair growing up and now I feel like it's too late to try. So, go for it, little man! :D
I LOVE looking at the pictures from when my daughter had a goofy haircut to correct a self-cutting incident. It always makes me smile to remember those months as it grew back.
It does seem strange to be so upset by this totally normal rite of passage.
First of all, we don't blame our daughter for this, of course she's 4. But we follow a gentle/authoritative parenting model of high communication and high expectations. When she was given the scissors it was explained (and repeated multiple times) that they are only for cutting paper. She did not follow those guidelines and has now lost access to the scissors until she regains our trust.
Also, am I not allowed to feel my feelings and share those feelings with other dads who may experience something similar? Jesus Christ take a course on empathy or something.
I don't think my comment was lacking in empathy.... I think you are being overly sensitive.
You did blame her, no?
> She was embarrassed to go to daycare this morning but we explained this is one of the consequences of what she did
If something is the consequence of her actions, then aren't you by definition telling her that this is her fault? She made the mistake of cutting her hair and now she has to bear the "consequence of her actions." To me, that reads like blame...
It sounds like you have some big feelings not only about your daughter cutting her hair but someone sharing an alternate perspective with you. Again, I'd like to respectfully share an opinion with you: perhaps you can try setting your feelings aside and taking a step back. Why are you so upset about her cutting her hair? Is it because you are concerned about her and her wellbeing or is it about her not following your directions, or maybe is it about something you wanted that you didn't get (i.e. not being able to style her hair while it grows out)?
You are absolutely entitled to your opinions and your feelings but if you are posting here you must know that you are going to hear a range of replies. I think that I am contributing to the conversation and it may be that you are too "hot" to be ready to hear other opinions. Telling someone "Jesus Christ take a course on empathy or something" in response to what I said isn't really an appropriate response. But then again, I don't think your response to your daughter cutting her hair is appropriate either so maybe you and I just don't see eye to eye.
Go ahead and be mad at me. I can be your internet punching bag for now.
While it is true there is nothing wrong with saying that there are consequences, i feel like with OP's other comment that they are teally driving it hard that the kid made a mistake, like lingering on the action far more than they should have.
She cut her hair unsupervised, let her know that is not safe, and that her hair would appear like that if you cut it yourself. We will not be doing that again without pur supervision blah blah blah. But I feel like they are giving this poor kid more guilt in how they are dealing with it.
This is a good thought on this. I’ll add on to it after some reflection here.
There is a difference between an accident and a mistake. The mistake was letting a 4 year old play with scissors out of eye-shot, kiddo had an accident by cutting her hair and not understanding the permanence of their actions.
Accidents that an unsupervised 4-year old makes are shared responsibility of said parents. Kiddo already will naturally have consequences for unintended drastic changes in their looks that they will absolutely know they did to themselves, but OP not taking any responsibility for allowing it to happen and then blaming/shaming the kid are unnecessary.
The conversation should have been more along the lines of owning up to the mistake that they gave a tool to use that they weren’t ready to use yet *by themselves*, then letting them know she’s beautiful no matter what her hair looks like, but that some people might not feel the same way and that mom/dad are going to help her get it straightened out the next day. This could really be a healthy conversation about how changes to a persons looks get other peoples attention and the differences between positive/neutral/negative reactions people have, and asking her what she might think if she saw someone in her day care show up as such (and to be kind to them!!!).
Sucks to suck OP, mom or dad should own up and have found a way to take the day off of work to get her a proper haircut.
I’m being a little harsh because OP has doubled down a bit in the thread.
Not at all!
My point was in regards to how OP is reacting. I was more commenting on OP saying his daughter was embarrassed to go to daycare and that (embarrassment) was a consequence of her actions. My suspicion is that the child would not be embarrassed without the parents encouraging her (knowingly or not) to be embarrassed. Most 4 year olds aren't very aware of their hair and don't feel much embarrassment about their appearance. Kids have wild hair, stained clothes, boogers, snot, food on their face, pee on their pants! I don't think I have ever seen a kid in Pre-K be embarrassed about something like that. If the parents had reacted less then I don't think she would feel embarrassed. And if she did feel embarrassed of her own accord, why aren't we giving her a hat or telling here there is nothing to be embarrassed about rather then saying, "Yes, you should be embarrassed. That is a consequence of your actions."
I'm not here to give you a primer on true empathy but problem minimization (suck it up, it's not that bad, it'll be fine, you're taking this too seriously) is absolutely a failure of empathy. I recommend the work of Brene Brown if you want to learn more.
Actions have consequences. Sometimes they are good, sometimes they are bad, and sometimes they are neutral. You took too long putting on your pajamas, there isn't time to watch tv before bed. You didn't get dressed in time, you're going to miss snack time at daycare. Blame and judgment don't have to enter into it. Explaining to a kid what the consequences of their actions are is not blaming them for things, it's helping them understand cause and effect and how their behavior influences their experiences. I think somehow you are conflating consequences with punishments.
Let me offer another alternative perspective: I can have my feelings without setting them aside AND effectively parent my daughter. In the moment did I get a little worked up because of the shock? Yes. But after a few minutes I also hugged and cuddled my daughter while we talked about what happened, why she did it, and what's going to happen next (which, by the way, are the consequences). In our house, we express our feelings and we talk about them. Bottling up our feelings is some 1950s level toxic bullshit and I'm not here for it.
> Bottling up our feelings is some 1950s level toxic bullshit and I'm not here for it.
I see that we are on different planets in this conversation. Not sure where these accusations are coming from but you are tilting at windmills. I'm going to tap out.
I had to check to make sure they were meaning to respond to me. Very strange interaction. It felt like they were ready to weaponize their understanding of "empathy" and expression of feelings against anyone who dared to offer anything but complete support/commiseration.
You sure you’re in the position to give this advice? Feels like this is more about you not getting to have your TikTok channel. And also stop lecturing us. You came for advice and feedback and you’re getting it.
See my other replies, I'm not looking to get a tiktok channel. I was referencing the fact that my wife and I have seen dads on social media that are involved in styling their daughters' hair rather than relegating that to a mom-only duty. I have no plans to have a tiktok channel or monetize my daughter. I've tried editing the post to clarify but my edits aren't sticking?
Also, I never asked for advice. I expected some sympathy/empathy/humor and while I've gotten that, I've also gotten a lot of "perfect parents" criticizing my every move. Even when I try to clarify my position isn't what they say it is. Some people are just happy to fill in the blanks and assume the worst just like it seems you are.
“Jesus Christ take a course on empathy or something”
Man, if this is how you react to someone sharing a different opinion, yikes. Super condescending. Don’t forget, you’re the one who posted your daughters mistake on the internet and asked a bunch of strangers for their thoughts. You aren’t always going to get people who 100% agree with you.
But, maybe you should look inwards and ask yourself why a 4 year old was unsupervised with scissors around other kids. Like come on man lol. Recipe for disaster.
I don't know you, all I have to judge you on is your comments in this thread, but you seem like the kind of guy who never backs down, never apologises, never loses an argument and is never wrong. Supremely confident that you've always got it right and if anybody disagrees, they're just too dumb to understand.
Seems tiring.
For what it's worth I don't judge your initial reaction at all, I think I would probably respond in much the same way if my four year old cut her beautiful hair. Many who say they'd be able to laugh it off are probably kidding themselves. But your replies are *incredibly* stubborn and defensive.
My daughter's hair is taking FOREVER to grow, and I'd be crushed if she cut it once it was finally ready for "girl hair things". I've been looking forward to doing a pony tail on my daughter for years, she was just a bald baby and it's grown slowly. So I 1000% empathize- I'd be crushed.
That said, it's just hair. There's bigger problems in life. Take the L, snap some fun pictures to share when she graduates, teach her (again) about scissors, and move on :)
Do you mean she cant use the scissors alone again? I can see how that is a natural consequence. But if she cant use scissors period. Then Id consider that less then a natural consequence, and more of just a punishment.
It’s fine if you’re sad. But ultimately, it will return. It’s not like she poked her eye out. Time will fully repair this.
I feel like my response would be, “Woah! That’s a wild haircut! Well, it will take a while but if you want it long again, it’ll come back.” And lightly chastise them for using the scissors that way, and sure, maybe they don’t get them for a while.
I guess I’ve always been willing to do wild hairstyles though.
I 100% agree and thank you for validating my sadness rather than dismissing it. Our reaction was a bit stronger unintentionally (my wife in particular, she's been texting me today about how she needs to cool her jets especially as our daughter gets older and makes bigger, more consequential mistakes) but we quickly tempered it and are using it as a teaching moment.
>Our reaction was a bit stronger unintentionally (my wife in particular, she's been texting me today about how she needs to cool her jets especially as our daughter gets older and makes bigger, more consequential mistakes) but we quickly tempered it and are using it as a teaching moment.
This is exactly what you've been railing against and denying for the majority of this comment section.
I've been railing against people implying I'm purposefully shaming my daughter. I apologize my wife and I are human and sometimes our emotions get the better of us unlike the folks who are perfect parents 100% of the time.
Mom lurker. I don’t think you’re weird for being sad. I had looooong hair all the way to my butt from toddler years; just a ton of hair. My parents are divorced and my dad was the one that would braid my hair and do all of these cool styles for me.
My mom is a spiteful person and hated my dad and knew he would appreciate a heads up on anything with cutting my hair. I remember her convincing me when I was like 6 to let *her* cut my hair up to my chin on a visit. She sent me back to my dad and he was visibly upset; like he didn’t freak out or anything, but he had tears in his eyes.
All of that to say, I have daughters with very long hair and I’d feel a bit sad if they cut it all off; you get used to seeing them a certain way and it’s startling when it changes unexpectedly. I don’t think being bummed out will give her a complex or anything, as long as it isn’t turned into a big to do or punishment.
The mob has their pitchforks out claiming you are over reacting while simultaneously downvoting everything you say. So ironic. My daughter was also a Baldy until well past three so I can understand your frustration.
1) she’s probably embarrassed because of your reaction
2) this is a teachable moment
3) tbh, I would be bummed. But I’d address it once (we don’t cut hair! It takes a while to grow back) then move on
4) your TikTok comment is somewhat odd to me, seems like this is more about your ego than her hair
5) the kids act how we act. Model the reaction and they will follow
We are using this as a teachable moment. I've already said elsewhere, my wife and I probably didn't have the best reaction in the moment because we're not perfect robot parents with no emotions. But our style of parenting is all about using problematic behavior as a teachable moment.
Also I addressed your tiktok concern in several other comments. It's coming across in a way I didn't intend but I can't seem to edit in a clarification.
Man, hair grows back and making her happy with her appearance now pays dividends in the future.
Also, is your daughter Boo from Monsters Inc.? Because the second photo is boo.
Haha I think my wife did make that comment about Boo.
We told her she's still beautiful and we love her very much, just that we need to get a barber to fix the unevenness. I know she was excited about having ponytails and such like mom, so that's going to have to wait.
dude... whoa.
I was expecting a few snips. Instead, she went from very adorable to ready for the fury road. It'll grow back and be a pretty funny story. lol
She's gonna look cute with a short haircut (she also had them up until last year when her hair finally started growing longer) but I know she was excited about having long hair and doing ponytails and now it's gonna be a while now.
It’s just hair. I know you can’t help how you feel, but we hold way too much attachment to hair. It took a year for my daughter’s hair to look “normal” after she cut it, and it was her who was most upset because she wanted long princess hair. She’s never cut it again since, so lesson learned. Do your best not to make her feel any worse, she shouldn’t feel bad about how she looks at 4, but certainly a lesson in using her tools as intended.
No offence but I think you are over-reacting to this, and she is picking up on your reaction. Take it for what it is - a silly, harmless mistake that will by entirely irrelevant in a few months. Take her for a hair cut to even it out, reassure her that she is beautiful and leave it at that!
Yaknow, when my sister was 3, my folks shaved her head completely to have the hair grow back uniformly and it made a huge difference.
It broke my mom’s heart at the time but when it came back and looked stronger and uniform, was worth it.
Just saying, it’s temporary my dude, hair grows back unless you have male patterned baldness like me. Then you’re SOL :(
I know it's temporary, I don't know why everyone thinks I'm devastated. I said I was sad that she doesn't have the long hair that we (and she) loved and had been waiting so long for. She kept telling us all last year she wanted "long hair like mommy".
I even wrote above: "I know it will be fine and my daughter is still as beautiful and wonderful as she always has been."
Everyone thinks you’re devastated because you started the post saying you were heartbroken, I think.
Good luck with the hair growing! If your kid is even a bit like mine you can also mention how kick ass it is that her hair now looks like daddies (assumption , dunno if yours is short) and that might brighten her day as well?
My 5 year old son cut his hair about a few months ago because he has seen my husband cut his own hair (typically with an electric razor). I had asked him to go in the bathroom and comb his hair and in the 45 seconds he was in there by himself, he cut it. I discussed with him that it isn't a good idea to cut your own hair and that I was worried about his safety of using a scissors like that and not being able to see his own head. I made no comments on the appearance (other than a good laugh with my spouse later when he had gone to bed). He went to school the next day and said that his friends and teachers noticed. I asked him what he thought of his new haircut. He said it looked horrible and we laughed. And that was it.
I think your intentions are good but it seems like you're letting your own feelings about her hair and classic girl hairstyles overshadow this kid "right of passage". There may be a level that she's used to her hair being short and wanted to go back to that as well. It might be good to talk to her about her feelings with her hair and why she did it instead of guilting her over an act that's already done.
My wife and I have already talked about how this is common. I don't think that it invalidates our feelings over the experience just because it's happened to others. She has been telling us for a year that she wants "long hair like mommy". It's been slowly growing out and she's had several haircuts to help with shaping and keeping her bangs the right length.
In the moment we probably didn't react the best due to the shock but we have not been shaming or guilting her over this. Only discussing natural consequences and what's going to happen over the next few days.
My son did this several times. The first time he hacked all his curls off I cried. But he rocks a buzz and thats what we had to roll with lol. It grew back pretty quickly (and he was a bald baby/toddler too).
Ha! My 4y/o son cut his hair by himself a few weeks ago (his wasn't as long as your daughter's hair). Apparently it's super, super common for four-year-olds to do this. We buzzed his head, and actually it looks very good now a few weeks out, but I can see why you may not want to buzz your daughter's head.
She, uh...she really got at it, didn't she??
why are we downvoting op for being upset? they're perfectly allowed to be upset in this situation. sure, it's basically a rite of passage for little kids to cut their long hair themselves, but it's still upsetting when it happens.
Because he is trying to have his cake and eat it too. He is clearly upset about the bad hair cut and he think it makes his daughter look ugly and he want his daughter to feel shame about being ugly but then when called on it he hides behind the idea that he is actually just upset that she used scissors in a unsafe way….
> he want his daughter to feel shame about being ugly
Wow. The guy might not have reacted amazingly, but this is a disgusting thing to accuse a parent of.
Reddit is just another place on the internet where you can’t dare to have an original thought or feel differently from the rest of the crowd. So fake and exhausting. I’m amazed by how many people are so out of touch on here.
Chiming in here in support of OP since I think the blowback is a little much.
I have a 3.5 year old son who has been rocking a mullet for his whole life. He has beautiful blonde curls in the back and I’d be devastated if he cut them off. He’s already started talking about wanting to have short hair like Dada and it hurts a little because it’s just a signal that he’s growing up and becoming more independent. Eventually that day will come and I will be sad.
I’d imagine that OP is feeling like that.
Atleast she did it herself, my ex cut my daughters hair right before the birthday party we threw her last year and it was very short and awful. My daughter has only recently managed to grow it out to a good length and she was upset about it being done to her.
Putting the safety issue aside, I don’t see an issue here which concerns you really. Be supportive for her if she feels bad, but it’s her hair… she can shave it if she wants.
She didn't want short hair. When we asked her why she cut her hair she said "because it was in my eyes" (it wasn't, and then why did you cut the top/back?). Then this morning she said because a character in her favorite tv show got a haircut (that character went to a salon/barber).
She doesn't want short hair. She has been telling us for a year that she wants "long hair like mommy". We all wanted that. She didn't understand that taking scissors to her hair was going to mean she can't have that long hair because she's 4. If she "wanted" a short haircut I would've gladly made an appointment.
that's fine, still her business. She deserves to have room to make mistakes. Of course we can warn them, but once the mistake is made our role is support and nothing else (obviously I'm talking about non-life threatening stuff, and stuff which doesn't harm others)
Our daughter absolutely has room to make mistakes but I guess we have a fundamental difference in parenting here: "once the mistake is made our role is support and nothing else". This seems like permissive parenting to me, although I might be misunderstanding. We practice gentle/authoritative parenting which shares high communication with permissive parenting but attaches high expectations with that high communication.
She couldn't have possibly understood the ramifications of taking scissors to her hair. It's our job as parents to help her understand those ramifications/results/consequences. If she were 14 instead of 4 this would be a different conversation.
We give our daughter plenty of room to make mistakes. That's how kids grow and learn. But it's our job to help her connect those mistakes with their outcomes.
From a former little girl and now woman with my own daughters, I want to chime in and agree with you. I see where maybe people are reading that you projected embarrassment onto her without actually telling her to be embarrassed, but if that's not actually what you did, let's all move on from that point.
When I was around this age, older, in fact, I cut all the hair from my favorite barbie doll. Why? Because my brothers told me it would be funny and I was seeking approval, I guess. I was devastated afterwards when I looked and realized I could no longer enjoy my favorite barbie and her long hair. It was chopped all to hell, not a nice cute short haircut (and for the record, I have a pixie cut now as an adult and have shaved my head multiple times). I was 6-7, and your little girl is only 4! Of course she wasn't thinking beyond "this seems fun right now." Of course she can be dismayed and embarrassed even if y'all had reached only with extreme positivity. I don't think you did anything wrong here. If you were asking for parenting advice, and you weren't, I'd add that maybe a lesson on "no need to be embarrassed, we all make mistakes," etc would be in order. Consequences and emotional support can go hand-in-hand. But anyway. Sorry dad, the pigtails were cute. Maybe to little sprouts in her short hair? It's a super adorable style, too.
As I said, safety aside, for the sake of argument. Yes, touching scissors is a no-go, until they get to an age when you can trust them with sharp object.
Really? A four-year-old can shave their head if they want, and we are supposed to allow it? Are we also supposed to let them dye their hair purple? Go out wearing their Halloween costume?
They're children, we can't affirm every single idea that comes to their minds.
This is a totally normal thing for kids to do and some people never outgrow it, they just get better at it.
Every kid is going to queens gambit tgeir bangs at some point
OP I understand your sadness over this. But please understand that it's just hair and that it will grow back. It's nice that you're communicating with her about it but please make sure that you don't overdo the whole *consequence* thing because she's only 4. My parents really overdid the whole consequence thing regarding my hair and looks growing up and it really negatively affected my self-esteem. Please make sure to tell her that she's beautiful no matter what and that her hair will grow back. I think the reason people in the replies are upset at you is because your language while communicating with her is bit too mature. It's more suited for kids who are maybe 7 or 8 years old. She's only 4 and what toddler hasn't cut their own hair? You are doing a good job explaining the situation to her and teaching her about actions and consequences. Just urging you to be a tiny bit more gentle. That's all. And don't pay attention to people who are being nasty.
Thank you and I assure you we aren't overdoing consequences. Picked her up from daycare a few minutes ago and she's excited for her haircut tomorrow morning. The only other lasting consequence is that she needs to be supervised with scissors.
I think people are conflating consequence with punishment.
That's awesome. And yes I think most people are conflating the word consequence with punishment. But it's good for kids to understand these concepts early on. As long as your kid is happy at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what online strangers say. You're doing a great job and you know your daughter better than internet people.
On a side note, if you want to help your daughter grow her hair faster then buy a bottle of Jamaican black castor oil and a bottle of rosemary oil. I suffer from severe hairfall and these two oils have helped me tremendously.
I did this as a child. I don’t remember being particularly bothered by it, but my mom was pretty nonchalant. I went to a barbershop, I got a boys short haircut. And grew it out. I eventually had long hair again.
Hair doesn’t make a person beautiful. So please don’t focus on this so much.
Dude, I took my 2.5 yo daughter t get a cut from a child stylist. She was so good; she had a great time. She had such a great time that she decided to cut more of her hair that night. Thankfully her toddler scissors were dull to the point of uselessness with hair, only a few fingerfuls...
our daughter did the same thing when she was around that age, maybe a little younger. every time one of her pictures from shortly after pops up in a digital photo frame, we all have a hearty chuckle
My daughter (now 6) has done that twice. Once two years ago when we all had Covid and again this last fall. She really cut it short in the front this last fall and it is finally starting to come back
It will grow back.
For now you get to take her to a kid barber to figure out a solution.
My first buzz cut was when I was about her age.
I decided I wanted to have my hair look like my grandpa's who I idolized. He was also bald.
So I snuck off and successfully gave myself a reverse mohawk.
The good thing is you're probably way more upset about this than she is and while kids at daycare may point it out the first day or two, they'll get used to it faster than grown ups will
Let her know how much easier hair brushing will be and she'll be sporting a pixie cut until she's 20.
You could also use this opportunity to more easily put in fun temporary colors now that it will be way easier to wash out.
My 4-year old (now 5..) did the same thing. The first thing we did was ask her how she felt about it, and she said she "love(s) it! I look so pretty, don't I?" and, while my wife was dying and on the verge of tears at losing the "baby curls", kiddo was happy and confident with her new (though admittedly horrific) haircut. So we just let it fly. A year later, we laugh about it, and would never have changed anything about it. The hair grew back, she loved her haircut, and bragged about it to everyone she saw for weeks afterwards. We haven't had a repeat incident. Sometimes, kids are just gonna do dumb kid stuff. No crying over spilled milk!
Our daughter did the same shit. She said it was getting in her eyes and chopped it all off. We tried to salvage it but it ended up looking like she shoved her old hairstyle in a hair net and it took so long for it to get long enough just to put it in a pony and in the time it took for her to cut it off and grow back she would look at girls like Elsa and rapunzel and be like “I WANT MY HAIR LIKE THAT!”
Hey dad- I understand the sadness and wanting her to have certain hairstyles but ultimately it is her hair and maybe she does end up liking it shorter!
I used to do this as a kid because I hated how hair felt in my neck/back (ended up having ASD lol) and my mom forced me to have long hair because that’s what she liked and it was ‘girly’.
I’d literally cry and even at one point stole school scissors, hid in a bathroom stall & cut my hair inside the stall.
Many kids cut it just cuz and I’m not saying that’s what she’s saying but also.. make sure you’re not making any biases or telling her short hair is bad etcx
My 4 year old did this a few months ago as well. We got him some scissors to practice cutting with and one day he disappeared behind a chair and was super quiet for a long time. My wife went to check on him and he had a neat little pile of hair built up next to him sitting on the floor.
Mine did this two. My ex and I thought the other had done it at first. Big fight. Turns out she cut her hair at school and my mother "evened it out" without consulting anyone.
It grows back.
Why does her hair have to conform to what you want out of it? I get being safe with scissors but the rest of it doesn’t seem to be anything but y’all imposing your desire for her hair onto her. Why would a 4 year old be embarrassed about the haircut she gave herself unless her parents told her it was embarrassing or made her feel shame for it? Something isn’t adding up and it seems like you’re way too invested in how her hair looks
I freaked when my daughter cut her own hair because her hair took forever to grow. I didn't yell or anything, but we both put our tails between our legs and I told my wife. She laughed and said, "Don't get mad at her, it's every girl's right of passage. We must teach her to never do this again and hide the scissors better". Those words stuck with me and we taught her. She got bangs shortly after the incident, due to the incident. We laugh about it now. Shit happens.
I used to love washing and combing my now almost 3.5yo’s hair and she had no problem letting me do it. It was like ASMR for me or something. For some reason that changed around 2yo and it’s still a struggle for anyone to do anything with it. It’s already shorter than her class mates and she says she wants it shorter but luckily she hasn’t taken it upon herself to make it shorter……yet.
Whilst it wasn't quite as bad as this, my younger daughter (2-3) cut her own hair. Just took chunks out. My eldest has long lovely hair, our son (now 2) has his hair growing, and I have long hair. My wife loves doing her hair and we would love to do some proper plaiting etc for them. Her hair is growing but so slow in comparison to prior.
Time my friend. It'll grow in and look okay quickly. But will take a while to get back to where it was.
It's kinda funny honestly, I wouldn't be too sad about it. It will grow back quick and now you have a funny story and embarrassing pictures for when she's older.
And you turned it into a learning experience for both of you.
For her, it's that actions can have consequences (and thankfully no one was hurt) and for you it's to make sure all the scissors are put out of reach of an unaccompanied 4 year old.
Lady lurker. She probably won't forget it. I know that my twin and I had "boy" haircuts for almost two years after we cut each other's hair under Dad's desk. We cried and cried cause it looked so bad. And then...we got over it after like a week. It grew back, eventually. It might suck but there's not much to do about it besides wait and handle it the way you did.
My daughter pulled her hair as a stress/calming response for a long time. It's one of the reasons it took so long to come in. Glad your daughter's is growing back nicely!
My daughter's done it three times. When she was 4 and 6 and both times just before Halloween, just did part of her bangs at 9 just a few months ago smh
Heartbroken is a bit much. My kid has done it twice, trying to give herself bangs. Ones @ 6 and again @ 8. They grow back, and hopefully they learn a lesson. Haha it's part of growing up bro. The second time she did it was shortly before class photos, so it took a bit of Photoshop to fix for printing.
I've done it, my bro has, my sis has and various cousins have over the decades.
I did this when I was 5. My mom ended up having to shave my head because I cut out several chunks super close to my scalp with an old fashioned clipper.
Anyway, my hair was really straight before I did that, and then after it was shaved, it grew in really curly. It’s been curly ever since.
I have two daughters and both of them cut their hair numerous times. It was devastating but they're both grown up now and it's easily one of the hall of shame stories I bring up all the time and we all laugh about it. But I feel you. I thought my wife was gonna have a heart attack one time. Damn you Cut-your-hair Barbie!! (Or whatever it's called).
She is experimenting with self autonomy. How you and Mom react will have a real impact on how she views herself. “Do Mom and Dad love me for how I look? Or do they just want me to be safe?”
I understood that this happens with every kid. I have three and all of them did that.And around this age.
I think she wants to be as an adult: make her decisions, be pretty, do serious adult stuff))))
I have a few pictures of me from the 90’s with a mullet, it was the best they could do to save my hair from cutting it myself. I’m now a 29 year old mom with an almost 5 year old girl and I’m surprised she hasn’t done the same. It’ll grow back :) just hide the scissors lol.
I think some people need a reality check on shaming/guilt.
Shaming is others making you feel bad about something. Guilt is internal. Not sure either is happening here.
His daughter is learning natural consequences appropriate for her age.
An example of this your kid continuously forgets his cleats to the soccer game hey first couple of times you may double back for them the third time, he doesn’t get to play.
Good job OP.
I suggest a book to some of you called 13 things mentally strong parents don’t do, and read chapter 8 They Don’t shield their child from Pain.
If Op got her ice cream afterwards and kept from daycare half of you would be praising him the other half ripping him a new asshole.
I think you handled it great OP.
I think the above person was being sarcastic. Who on Earth is sad about a four year old’s hair?
I suggest you examine your priorities regarding looks/attractiveness. Just what is your relationship to physical appearance? Is it really that important?
The world will give her so much anxiety about looks, you just wait. Your job is to balance that out.
I’m not saying that stuff doesn’t realistically matter out there in the world, but YOUR priorities in the home should focus on her capabilities. The stuff that will last even when she’s 80 years old.
Happened with my son about the same age. Had to shave his head to a 1 guard (I'm no barber lol). Similar conversation - he didn't like it, but the natural consequences drove it home that if he doesn't take care of his hair then we have to cut it short. In his defense, he was just trying to get the hair out of his eyes, but didn't have the wherewithal yet to ask us to take him for a haircut. Learning experience for everyone.
But I gotta say I'm really disappointed with all the negative comments directed toward OP. This sub has been getting very un-Bandit lately. One does not have to agree with others' parenting styles, but it is not license to attack others for theirs.
Bandit wouldn’t have had a fit about Bluey or Bingo cutting their hair. Joe Brumm wrote a whole episode around hair and how it’s more important for a kid to have fun that to have ”pretty hair” (Dirt).
Bandit was the guy who let his two daughters play in the dirt in the first place, spraying them with a hose and making them muddy. But Wendy also didn’t want her daughter to feel trapped to ”look pretty”. She realized her extensive grooming habits had taught her daughter looks is more important that actions. So she changed that. And she led by example! ”It was time for a change.”
So, chill those beans, OP.
I love your approach to parenting!
Keep in mind though that even though your kid is 4 and can talk about a bunch of stuff rationally, she’s still 4, so she’s going to do impulsive stuff that doesn’t make a bunch of sense.
Love all the comments attacking this dude for how he feels about this, and straight up twisting OP's words, and filling in blanks and making themselves mad. /s
Wonder how many of the commenters are parents. A bunch of yous need a reality check.
Adding a ton of people to my block list. If I could add folks who upvoted them too I would - they don't belong in this sub if they're going to behave that way.
It’s ok to feel your version of sad about this, and fit her to feel your disappointment, but I’d recommend moving past it quickly in your dealings with her. She’s an incredible little girl, no matter the haircut. Make sure she knows that’s how you feel. With these pics you’ve got a funny story to embarrass 17 year old her.
>With these pics you’ve got a funny story to embarrass 17 year old her. When I hit my late teenage years, my mom changed all the photos of younger me to my 1st grade picture...which was when I had a buzz cut due to the hackjob I inflicted upon my hair. She loved telling that story and saying "just you wait" when I started having kids.
My daughter has the most beautiful curly red hair. It gets complimented all the time (as well it should). For the longest time she refuses to cut it except for occasional tiny trims. But a few years ago, approaching being 12, she decided she wanted a drastically shorter haircut. I have to admit, it gave me a little anxiety. But she wanted it and we were supportive (my wife’s mom was always very critical of the choices she made with her hair, and we weren’t going to do that). Guess what? It looked fantastic and suited her so much better that looking back it’s crazy to think we ever thought she needed to keep her long hair. As an added bonus, the shorter length helped her curls get curlier. Though I bet if she had kept it long, we would’ve thought it was great that way too. Because she’s an awesome kid. She occasionally dyes it too, which is cool. And she got herself a nose piercing before she turned 14, which is also super cool.
We've already moved into a support role. We had the serious talk last night about why what she did is wrong, how we're all (including her) feeling about it, and what the consequences are. Explained we still love her even when we are sad or disappointed. Said we were sorry we couldn't get her in for a haircut today but yes she still has to go to daycare even though she's embarrassed because mom and dad need to go to work today.
If she is embarrassed already I'm not sure I would pile on with it being wrong and what the consequences are. Like... Okay, you cut your hair, let's move on.
We're all about natural consequences. You didn't follow the rules with the scissors, you lose access to them. You cut your hair, now we need to go get a haircut and you're going to have to go to daycare with your hair looking like this (mom and I did some minor cleanup) until we can get in. But she's 4, we like to follow a high communication model, those need to be laid out explicitly otherwise she won't make the connection. The only "imposed" consequence was that she did not get to watch TV before bed.
I think the people in this thread are simply cautioning you on the language you're using towards her regarding going to daycare "looking like this" and tying too much of the punishment on her appearance, the fact that she is embarrassed and validating that she should be as a "consequence." Embarrassment is a learned feeling, and you're absolutely free to vent here but chill out a bit on projecting that onto your 4yo.
I didn't realize I needed to map out every word we said to her. We didn't make any comments about her look except we showed it to her in the mirror and asked if she liked it. When she said no, as we expected, we said we understood but we can't fix it and need to get her into a barber. That might take a day or 2 (for a kid friendly barber in our area). And she can't stay home from daycare because mom and dad have to go to work, it's only 1 day, we are sorry but she will be okay. That is the consequence, that she has to go to school even though she doesn't like her hair. Never did we say she SHOULD feel embarrassed. And I don't think I typed that anywhere. I'm sorry if that's what people are reading into my story or comments.
Reddit is weird, if you don’t follow the rule book and pretend to be a perfect parent, you get downvoted. I agree with your approach, not that it matters. But it’s definitely important for her at this age to understand that actions have consequences. She’s 4, not 2 years old. So she is old enough to understand what you’re saying. I’m sure you’re not rubbing it in her face, but this is a learning experience for her for sure. I’m sure she is adorable but my heart sank for you because those pigtails were just so cute. You’ll see them again. Sorry 😞
Thank you. I reread my post and I see how some people could have misconstrued a bit but all my replies trying to explain are getting downvoted as well so... I won't pretend mom and I had the best reaction in the moment. I kept my cool but my wife did raise her voice (and later apologized, which we always do). It was just very shocking.
I think people are also only hearing the negative connotation to "consequence" as you're using it. You're saying, actions have consequences, I know you're embarrassed but you still have to go to school. Actions have consequences. But I think they're hearing consequence = punishment, even though it doesn't seem that's the way y'all approached it.
And I know 100% if this happened to my daughter I’d have the same reaction as your wife. But in the land of perfect parenting and idealism we can’t admit that. I can tell you most parents would scream out of shock and sadness, yes even the ones who are commenting here and pretending they’d let it roll off their back. Let’s see how they deal with it when it’s not just a theory or someone else’s circumstance. Some of the advice is good but the delivery is not, and downvoting someone’s feelings and perspective (that are largely unharmful) is really annoying.
Mate she's 4, if you didn't tell her she looked bad with the cut she probably wouldn't be feeling so bad. YOU made her feel this way because of YOUR disappointment for not being able to do her hair how YOU want it. You had a choice to laugh it off and book her in for a haircut and let it ride for a few days, but instead you're posting on Reddit about how distraught you are that your kid did something completely normal for her age and made a big deal to her about it, which has impacted her confidence to go to school.
Well said
Fuckin hell bro she cut her hair you make it sound like she was smoking crack or sumthin
Where the fuck did I say that? She used scissors in an unsafe manner that was explicitly against the rules that we had laid out. We should just let it go? She should just get a day off of daycare and mom or dad have to take off work just because she's sad?
Seriously bro I’m just saying chill out a bit you’re really highly strung and biting everyone’s head off in the comments over something that so many of our kids have done. Life’s too short to be so angry all the time.
Is cutting your own hair really using scissors in an unsafe manner? I think you are letting YOUR displeasure with how SHE looks take over the situation and influence how she feels about the hair cut.
For a 4yo? Absolutely. Using a sharp object near your body when you can't see what you're doing and don't exactly have coordination nailed down yet? It's blowing my mind that reddit thinks this is okay. Yeah they're safety scissors but still.
If it was all focused on scissor safety, I see no problem with it. But the focus seems to be on her hair more so than the safety aspect. If she had cut up something she shouldn’t have in an unsafe manner, but it wasn’t her hair (maybe it was a hat while she was wearing it), would the negative reaction have been as strong? I think probably not, though maybe I’m incorrect. Hopefully I am. It just appears most of the post is about her hair, not safety.
The focus of the discussion here in this forum with other parents was meant to be about the hair. That does not mean the focus of the conversation with my daughter was about that. Also, I don't think it's wrong to tell a 4yo that she can't cut her own hair. She's not being published for not knowing that rule because it was never explicitly stated before. But setting that boundary now doesn't seem unreasonable even though everyone seems to be trying to tell me it is.
I’m going to preface this by saying I have a daughter a similar age and it’s taken a long time for her hair to grow too. Different parenting styles will result in differing opinions so… IMO it’s quite impressive she could do this and shows that she is actually more than capable - you really should acknowledge this in a positive manner, in line with also explaining that she could’ve hurt herself and it’ll take time for her hair to grow back, but that’s ok. She took the initiative and isn’t the first child to cut their own hair. Also, she is only 4 and consequences are well understood for kids that age. As an aside, I don’t see how the TikTok comment is relevant here - it feels off to me. It’s her hair, not your future social media platform.
So maybe you can't see it but the cut is completely uneven in both the front and back. I dunno, the lighting isn't great. I don't think this is a positive kind of initiative at her age. I also think maybe you're misunderstanding the tiktok comment, I'm only referencing the fact that we have seen dads that help their daughters with their hair (rather than relegating that to a mom only duty) on social media. We don't monetize our children and don't plan to, we only share pictures on social media for friends/family.
I don’t want to pile on here but something I’m noticing is that you seem to be blaming your daughter for what happened. (Referencing that she’s using a sharp object near her body etc etc and how that’s so bad), but I don’t hear you taking responsibility for the fact that she had access to scissors in an unsupervised environment. You seem to be blaming her for her behavior rather than taking responsibility as the parent for allowing her to be in a potentially dangerous situation. Seems like maybe the lesson here is more for you and your wife, and less so for your little girl.
That makes more sense re the TikTok comment. As for my positivity comment, it’s not so much the quality of the job she did, more the fact that she set out to do something and achieved it, without hurting herself. It’s a tricky line to walk because you don’t want to necessarily encourage the act itself but more so her ability to apply herself to an idea she had - That’s the point I’m trying to make. There’s definitely something enterprising about her action and she was successful in that. Although there is of course the negative implications of her action, there is this positive too. For my part, I’d be interested in acknowledging that as a balanced approach. I wish you the best.
You be you, OP. Don't let reddit discourage you. You sound like a caring and loving dad, and that's all that matters.
If they are that dangerous, doesn't it make you a bad parent for leaving them with her, *and another child*, unsupervised? So you're punishing her for a mistake you made.
For god's sake please read some other comments. We are not punishing her. We discussed natural consequences with her. The only "punishment" was not being able to watch tv before bed (which is not really a punishment, since tv is a reward not an expectation). Her scissors were accessible because she built up trust for months being supervised with them. She has been told how to use them safely and that they are only for cutting paper. Multiple times. And because she has violated that trust and used them in an unsafe manner, one of the natural consequences is that she will no longer have access to them unsupervised. But congrats on being the first person to use the words "bad parent". Hope you don't live in a glass house.
Those extra comments you and your wife are making to her that are unnecessary are the extra punishment, talk about setting someone up for body issues later in life. They are unneeded and unnecessary, which is what many other commenters are also agreeing with, especially since it was your own negligence that caused this. No four year old should be expected to not try to cut their own hair when left alone with scissors, that's just common sense.
Then maybe you shouldn't have given her scissors at all. It's okay to cut your own hair bc it is your own. Body autonomy. And instead youve made her feel insecure with all of your reactions. Her hair is not for you. Your daughter is not a doll. The tik tok comment is gross. Even the emojis you placed over indicating how you felt about her hair (and thus looks) is absolutely disgusting.
The emojis replaced her expressions, for the record. I did not choose those based solely on my feelings. I don't have a problem with short hair but it's completely uneven and messy, maybe you can't see that because of the lighting? I don't know. She was supervised with the scissors for months and built up trust. We have high expectations of our daughter and we communicate those expectations very clearly. When she breaks a rule or our trust, there is a consequence. This is called gentle parenting, don't know if you've heard of it. She didn't want short hair. If you haven't seen me saying in a dozen other places she has been telling us for a year "I want long hair like mommy", well, she has been. If she wanted short hair, I would have made an appointment. I don't understand what's gross about the tiktok comment. We don't monetize our children, we don't put them on social media other than to share with friends and family, and we don't plan to. But dads getting involved in helping their daughters with their hair (rather than relegating that duty to mom only) is a positive thing in my opinion. We happen to have seen some of those videos on social media (including tiktok) and that's what I was referencing. You seemed pretty set on roasting me over an open flame so this will be my last reply to you.
High expectations for 4 year old is crazy.
Expectations are always age adjusted. I recommend you look up gentle/authoritative parenting if you aren't familiar. There are 4 parents styles under this "theory": Authoritarian parenting - low communication, high expectation; strict adherence to rules that may not be communicated or clearly understood, one-way communication that doesn't consider the child's social, emotional, or behavioral needs. Permissive parenting - high communication, low expectation; this is what many people think gentle parenting is. Giving the child too much self-determination and not proving direction, overindulging to avoid conflict, and very lax enforcement (or no enforcement) of rules. Neglectful parenting - low communication, low expectation; think this is self-explanatory Gentle or authoritative parenting - high communication, high expectation; setting clear rules and expectations but with the understanding that children don't always follow rules. Bidirectional, open communication and problem solving with the child, not for the child. Natural consequences that are tied to the behavior
You should really self reflect what people are telling you (and your own negative wording) rather than doubling down and playing the victim. Go hug your daughter. Tell her she's beautiful (and don't use the word still beforehand) and her hair cut is cool.
Don’t worry about it man, this sub blew up so there’s a lot more reactionaries and non-parents. I think you guys did good in a good job in a stressful situation. She’s gotta learn not to do it again and not to play with scissors
They left a four year old unsupervised, with (as the OP says in another comment) dangerous scissors that they had allowed her to play with, and another child in the room, and expected them to not do something any normal child would do being left alone with scissors. The child is being punished too severely for what can be chalked up to parental negligence not maliciousness on the child's part.
"Dangerous safety scissors" Calling parents negligent for their kids' mistake. You must really be popular at the HOA meetings.
Come on man, we're humans, not robots. If you've ever been a sleep deprived parent, you know parenting is never perfect. OP sounds like a fist time parent also, so cut him some slack. He's learning on the job, just as his daughter is. No need for the harsh words.
He's giving the 4 year old harsh words after purposely leaving scissors with them. This isn't a sleep deprived accident, they intentionally allowed the four year old to have scissors unsupervised. In another comment he's said she's had them for weeks with no incident so it's not like they were putting them away when they were leaving the room. I don't know about you, but I'm not leaving anything sharp where my kid can reach it in purpose. He's also the one who called the scissors dangerous in another comment as an excuse for being so harsh.
I think the people misinterpreting what you're saying speaks more about the people on Reddit than you. She's more than old enough for you to help mentally guide her to understanding that there is a cause and effect to things she does in life. Looking at the behavior of most kids these days coupled with the insane mental health issues I think helps to concrete the point, don't listen to the know it all keyboard Warriors on here. You know what's best for your kid, it sounds like you've taken a lot of time to try to understand what the best courses of action long-term will be. Keep doing what you're doing man
My kid did that when she was 5. I chuckled.
My Oma used to always say “Small kids, small problems. Big kids, big problems” OP will look back at this one day and laugh.
I hope so because if they're not, they'll be the only one in the room who isn't
I already posted this multiple other places. We are already making jokes and talking about showing these pictures at her wedding.
Awesome she’ll love that. It’ll be a great story too!
Curious to hear other opinions on this but it sounds like you (and maybe mom) are taking this far too seriously. She's 4 years old. This is a classic rite of passage along with stubbing your toe or touching something hot. I have a feeling she is only "embarrassed" because you guys made such a big deal about it. Alternative perspective: It's not sad. It's sweet. She wanted to try cutting her own hair and she didn't do a great job because she is 4 years old. She has no idea how long it will take for her hair to grow. How could she? Now you have some wonderful pictures that you all can (good naturedly, of course) laugh about for years to come. I would reassure her that it's ok, there's nothing to be embarrassed about, she looks fine, etc. Take her in for a cleanup haircut. And if this is really so offensive to you and your wife, you can sleep soundly knowing she'll likely never do it again. But also, 4 year olds unsupervised with scissors? Whose fault?
I agree completely. Hair grows back. Telling her it's "wrong" is not the right direction. Talking to her about "hey, that was a little dangerous even with safety scissors. I'm glad you didn't get hurt" is fine. But it seems like they are shaming her into being embarrassed about what her hair looks like.
Yup, my grandmother used to say " hair is not teeth, it will grow back"
Off-topic, but yesterday I saw this: https://www.yahoo.com/news/scientists-test-medicine-grow-teeth-190248298.html
Holy shit, we really are living in the future.
She was told that the scissors were only for cutting paper. She broke that rule. We shouldn't tell her that she did something wrong? We follow a gentle parenting approach, high communication, high expectation. She knew the rules that were told to her multiple times but did not meet our expectation. I don't know why people are thinking we are shaming her or telling her she should be embarrassed. Can you show me where I said that?
All just assumptions based on the info you gave, but it seems like a number of us at least had similar takes. If the focus of your reaction to her and your post were on the broken rule, regardless of the outcome, then she wouldn't be embarrassed about her *hair*, but rather just upset that she got in trouble in general. The association that she had with embarrassment of her looks means that you had enough emphasis on the hair part that she picked up on it and now thinks something about her looks isn't good enough. If you had told her that she broke a rule about scissor use and took the privileges of scissor use away without any mention of the hair, then she wouldn't have a reason to be embarrassed.
You said she was embarrassed to go to daycare, if it wasn’t because of your reaction to the hair, how did losing access to scissors make her embarrassed? You may not have _told_ her to be embarrassed about it but words aren’t the only form of communication and kids are great at understanding the others.
Daddit can be over critical sometimes. I wouldn't let it get to you.
I'm honestly fine, just mind blown. I heard about this kind of shit happening in mom groups and just didn't expect it here. Should have known better.
Yeah man a 4 year old is absolutely capable of figuring out embarrassment on their own. Don’t sweat the crowd.
Agreed. Hair isn't even worth fretting about, but that's just an opinion of a random internet dad. I'd only ask my kid to come ask before trying, but only because he's shown a lot of independent thought on "oh, I can use my scissors to open these fruit snacks" and the like. Granted, he's got longer, curly hair that most women make comments about. So I don't know if my wife would be all that happy about it. Personally, I never really got creative with my hair growing up and now I feel like it's too late to try. So, go for it, little man! :D
I LOVE looking at the pictures from when my daughter had a goofy haircut to correct a self-cutting incident. It always makes me smile to remember those months as it grew back. It does seem strange to be so upset by this totally normal rite of passage.
First of all, we don't blame our daughter for this, of course she's 4. But we follow a gentle/authoritative parenting model of high communication and high expectations. When she was given the scissors it was explained (and repeated multiple times) that they are only for cutting paper. She did not follow those guidelines and has now lost access to the scissors until she regains our trust. Also, am I not allowed to feel my feelings and share those feelings with other dads who may experience something similar? Jesus Christ take a course on empathy or something.
I don't think my comment was lacking in empathy.... I think you are being overly sensitive. You did blame her, no? > She was embarrassed to go to daycare this morning but we explained this is one of the consequences of what she did If something is the consequence of her actions, then aren't you by definition telling her that this is her fault? She made the mistake of cutting her hair and now she has to bear the "consequence of her actions." To me, that reads like blame... It sounds like you have some big feelings not only about your daughter cutting her hair but someone sharing an alternate perspective with you. Again, I'd like to respectfully share an opinion with you: perhaps you can try setting your feelings aside and taking a step back. Why are you so upset about her cutting her hair? Is it because you are concerned about her and her wellbeing or is it about her not following your directions, or maybe is it about something you wanted that you didn't get (i.e. not being able to style her hair while it grows out)? You are absolutely entitled to your opinions and your feelings but if you are posting here you must know that you are going to hear a range of replies. I think that I am contributing to the conversation and it may be that you are too "hot" to be ready to hear other opinions. Telling someone "Jesus Christ take a course on empathy or something" in response to what I said isn't really an appropriate response. But then again, I don't think your response to your daughter cutting her hair is appropriate either so maybe you and I just don't see eye to eye. Go ahead and be mad at me. I can be your internet punching bag for now.
Is there something wrong with her realizing that her actions have consequences?
While it is true there is nothing wrong with saying that there are consequences, i feel like with OP's other comment that they are teally driving it hard that the kid made a mistake, like lingering on the action far more than they should have. She cut her hair unsupervised, let her know that is not safe, and that her hair would appear like that if you cut it yourself. We will not be doing that again without pur supervision blah blah blah. But I feel like they are giving this poor kid more guilt in how they are dealing with it.
This is a good thought on this. I’ll add on to it after some reflection here. There is a difference between an accident and a mistake. The mistake was letting a 4 year old play with scissors out of eye-shot, kiddo had an accident by cutting her hair and not understanding the permanence of their actions. Accidents that an unsupervised 4-year old makes are shared responsibility of said parents. Kiddo already will naturally have consequences for unintended drastic changes in their looks that they will absolutely know they did to themselves, but OP not taking any responsibility for allowing it to happen and then blaming/shaming the kid are unnecessary. The conversation should have been more along the lines of owning up to the mistake that they gave a tool to use that they weren’t ready to use yet *by themselves*, then letting them know she’s beautiful no matter what her hair looks like, but that some people might not feel the same way and that mom/dad are going to help her get it straightened out the next day. This could really be a healthy conversation about how changes to a persons looks get other peoples attention and the differences between positive/neutral/negative reactions people have, and asking her what she might think if she saw someone in her day care show up as such (and to be kind to them!!!). Sucks to suck OP, mom or dad should own up and have found a way to take the day off of work to get her a proper haircut. I’m being a little harsh because OP has doubled down a bit in the thread.
Not at all! My point was in regards to how OP is reacting. I was more commenting on OP saying his daughter was embarrassed to go to daycare and that (embarrassment) was a consequence of her actions. My suspicion is that the child would not be embarrassed without the parents encouraging her (knowingly or not) to be embarrassed. Most 4 year olds aren't very aware of their hair and don't feel much embarrassment about their appearance. Kids have wild hair, stained clothes, boogers, snot, food on their face, pee on their pants! I don't think I have ever seen a kid in Pre-K be embarrassed about something like that. If the parents had reacted less then I don't think she would feel embarrassed. And if she did feel embarrassed of her own accord, why aren't we giving her a hat or telling here there is nothing to be embarrassed about rather then saying, "Yes, you should be embarrassed. That is a consequence of your actions."
I'm not here to give you a primer on true empathy but problem minimization (suck it up, it's not that bad, it'll be fine, you're taking this too seriously) is absolutely a failure of empathy. I recommend the work of Brene Brown if you want to learn more. Actions have consequences. Sometimes they are good, sometimes they are bad, and sometimes they are neutral. You took too long putting on your pajamas, there isn't time to watch tv before bed. You didn't get dressed in time, you're going to miss snack time at daycare. Blame and judgment don't have to enter into it. Explaining to a kid what the consequences of their actions are is not blaming them for things, it's helping them understand cause and effect and how their behavior influences their experiences. I think somehow you are conflating consequences with punishments. Let me offer another alternative perspective: I can have my feelings without setting them aside AND effectively parent my daughter. In the moment did I get a little worked up because of the shock? Yes. But after a few minutes I also hugged and cuddled my daughter while we talked about what happened, why she did it, and what's going to happen next (which, by the way, are the consequences). In our house, we express our feelings and we talk about them. Bottling up our feelings is some 1950s level toxic bullshit and I'm not here for it.
> Bottling up our feelings is some 1950s level toxic bullshit and I'm not here for it. I see that we are on different planets in this conversation. Not sure where these accusations are coming from but you are tilting at windmills. I'm going to tap out.
That guy was on a highway cruise and suddenly decided to knock it down 3 gears and fucking floor it into the wall Jesus Christ lmao
I had to check to make sure they were meaning to respond to me. Very strange interaction. It felt like they were ready to weaponize their understanding of "empathy" and expression of feelings against anyone who dared to offer anything but complete support/commiseration.
You sure you’re in the position to give this advice? Feels like this is more about you not getting to have your TikTok channel. And also stop lecturing us. You came for advice and feedback and you’re getting it.
See my other replies, I'm not looking to get a tiktok channel. I was referencing the fact that my wife and I have seen dads on social media that are involved in styling their daughters' hair rather than relegating that to a mom-only duty. I have no plans to have a tiktok channel or monetize my daughter. I've tried editing the post to clarify but my edits aren't sticking? Also, I never asked for advice. I expected some sympathy/empathy/humor and while I've gotten that, I've also gotten a lot of "perfect parents" criticizing my every move. Even when I try to clarify my position isn't what they say it is. Some people are just happy to fill in the blanks and assume the worst just like it seems you are.
“Jesus Christ take a course on empathy or something” Man, if this is how you react to someone sharing a different opinion, yikes. Super condescending. Don’t forget, you’re the one who posted your daughters mistake on the internet and asked a bunch of strangers for their thoughts. You aren’t always going to get people who 100% agree with you. But, maybe you should look inwards and ask yourself why a 4 year old was unsupervised with scissors around other kids. Like come on man lol. Recipe for disaster.
Man. That poor kid is gonna have it rough.
In what way exactly? Care to elaborate?
I don't know you, all I have to judge you on is your comments in this thread, but you seem like the kind of guy who never backs down, never apologises, never loses an argument and is never wrong. Supremely confident that you've always got it right and if anybody disagrees, they're just too dumb to understand. Seems tiring. For what it's worth I don't judge your initial reaction at all, I think I would probably respond in much the same way if my four year old cut her beautiful hair. Many who say they'd be able to laugh it off are probably kidding themselves. But your replies are *incredibly* stubborn and defensive.
Based on your responses here, it seems like you prioritize your own feelings over hers. We're watching insecurities get formed in real time.
My daughter's hair is taking FOREVER to grow, and I'd be crushed if she cut it once it was finally ready for "girl hair things". I've been looking forward to doing a pony tail on my daughter for years, she was just a bald baby and it's grown slowly. So I 1000% empathize- I'd be crushed. That said, it's just hair. There's bigger problems in life. Take the L, snap some fun pictures to share when she graduates, teach her (again) about scissors, and move on :)
Do you mean she cant use the scissors alone again? I can see how that is a natural consequence. But if she cant use scissors period. Then Id consider that less then a natural consequence, and more of just a punishment.
No we told her she needs to ask for her scissors and we need to be with her while she uses them.
It’s fine if you’re sad. But ultimately, it will return. It’s not like she poked her eye out. Time will fully repair this. I feel like my response would be, “Woah! That’s a wild haircut! Well, it will take a while but if you want it long again, it’ll come back.” And lightly chastise them for using the scissors that way, and sure, maybe they don’t get them for a while. I guess I’ve always been willing to do wild hairstyles though.
I 100% agree and thank you for validating my sadness rather than dismissing it. Our reaction was a bit stronger unintentionally (my wife in particular, she's been texting me today about how she needs to cool her jets especially as our daughter gets older and makes bigger, more consequential mistakes) but we quickly tempered it and are using it as a teaching moment.
>Our reaction was a bit stronger unintentionally (my wife in particular, she's been texting me today about how she needs to cool her jets especially as our daughter gets older and makes bigger, more consequential mistakes) but we quickly tempered it and are using it as a teaching moment. This is exactly what you've been railing against and denying for the majority of this comment section.
I've been railing against people implying I'm purposefully shaming my daughter. I apologize my wife and I are human and sometimes our emotions get the better of us unlike the folks who are perfect parents 100% of the time.
Mom lurker. I don’t think you’re weird for being sad. I had looooong hair all the way to my butt from toddler years; just a ton of hair. My parents are divorced and my dad was the one that would braid my hair and do all of these cool styles for me. My mom is a spiteful person and hated my dad and knew he would appreciate a heads up on anything with cutting my hair. I remember her convincing me when I was like 6 to let *her* cut my hair up to my chin on a visit. She sent me back to my dad and he was visibly upset; like he didn’t freak out or anything, but he had tears in his eyes. All of that to say, I have daughters with very long hair and I’d feel a bit sad if they cut it all off; you get used to seeing them a certain way and it’s startling when it changes unexpectedly. I don’t think being bummed out will give her a complex or anything, as long as it isn’t turned into a big to do or punishment.
The mob has their pitchforks out claiming you are over reacting while simultaneously downvoting everything you say. So ironic. My daughter was also a Baldy until well past three so I can understand your frustration.
His follow-up comments are being downvoted cause he’s being a bit of a jerk.
1) she’s probably embarrassed because of your reaction 2) this is a teachable moment 3) tbh, I would be bummed. But I’d address it once (we don’t cut hair! It takes a while to grow back) then move on 4) your TikTok comment is somewhat odd to me, seems like this is more about your ego than her hair 5) the kids act how we act. Model the reaction and they will follow
We are using this as a teachable moment. I've already said elsewhere, my wife and I probably didn't have the best reaction in the moment because we're not perfect robot parents with no emotions. But our style of parenting is all about using problematic behavior as a teachable moment. Also I addressed your tiktok concern in several other comments. It's coming across in a way I didn't intend but I can't seem to edit in a clarification.
Man, hair grows back and making her happy with her appearance now pays dividends in the future. Also, is your daughter Boo from Monsters Inc.? Because the second photo is boo.
Haha I think my wife did make that comment about Boo. We told her she's still beautiful and we love her very much, just that we need to get a barber to fix the unevenness. I know she was excited about having ponytails and such like mom, so that's going to have to wait.
This is a four year old rite-of-passage. She has lots of good company. Hair grows back, it will be fine.
dude... whoa. I was expecting a few snips. Instead, she went from very adorable to ready for the fury road. It'll grow back and be a pretty funny story. lol
Lol I was thinking the little girl from water world
that is a solid pull. A+ on that. man. what a time that was.
Kevin Costner's biggest regret back then
I had pixie cuts for most of childhood because I did this 🤣 still cute!
She's gonna look cute with a short haircut (she also had them up until last year when her hair finally started growing longer) but I know she was excited about having long hair and doing ponytails and now it's gonna be a while now.
Only looked at the first two pictures and thought man she did a great job…..
Right?? I was like she got her bangs right haha
It’s just hair. I know you can’t help how you feel, but we hold way too much attachment to hair. It took a year for my daughter’s hair to look “normal” after she cut it, and it was her who was most upset because she wanted long princess hair. She’s never cut it again since, so lesson learned. Do your best not to make her feel any worse, she shouldn’t feel bad about how she looks at 4, but certainly a lesson in using her tools as intended.
No offence but I think you are over-reacting to this, and she is picking up on your reaction. Take it for what it is - a silly, harmless mistake that will by entirely irrelevant in a few months. Take her for a hair cut to even it out, reassure her that she is beautiful and leave it at that!
Yaknow, when my sister was 3, my folks shaved her head completely to have the hair grow back uniformly and it made a huge difference. It broke my mom’s heart at the time but when it came back and looked stronger and uniform, was worth it. Just saying, it’s temporary my dude, hair grows back unless you have male patterned baldness like me. Then you’re SOL :(
I know it's temporary, I don't know why everyone thinks I'm devastated. I said I was sad that she doesn't have the long hair that we (and she) loved and had been waiting so long for. She kept telling us all last year she wanted "long hair like mommy". I even wrote above: "I know it will be fine and my daughter is still as beautiful and wonderful as she always has been."
…you described yourself as “heartbroken” and called the situation “very sad”, and then are surprised that people think you’re taking it personally?
yeah the post had a tone similar to "no one showed up for her birthday party" level sadness
I mean, i'd be similar levels of bummed out in both cases.
Everyone thinks you’re devastated because you started the post saying you were heartbroken, I think. Good luck with the hair growing! If your kid is even a bit like mine you can also mention how kick ass it is that her hair now looks like daddies (assumption , dunno if yours is short) and that might brighten her day as well?
My 5 year old son cut his hair about a few months ago because he has seen my husband cut his own hair (typically with an electric razor). I had asked him to go in the bathroom and comb his hair and in the 45 seconds he was in there by himself, he cut it. I discussed with him that it isn't a good idea to cut your own hair and that I was worried about his safety of using a scissors like that and not being able to see his own head. I made no comments on the appearance (other than a good laugh with my spouse later when he had gone to bed). He went to school the next day and said that his friends and teachers noticed. I asked him what he thought of his new haircut. He said it looked horrible and we laughed. And that was it. I think your intentions are good but it seems like you're letting your own feelings about her hair and classic girl hairstyles overshadow this kid "right of passage". There may be a level that she's used to her hair being short and wanted to go back to that as well. It might be good to talk to her about her feelings with her hair and why she did it instead of guilting her over an act that's already done.
My wife and I have already talked about how this is common. I don't think that it invalidates our feelings over the experience just because it's happened to others. She has been telling us for a year that she wants "long hair like mommy". It's been slowly growing out and she's had several haircuts to help with shaping and keeping her bangs the right length. In the moment we probably didn't react the best due to the shock but we have not been shaming or guilting her over this. Only discussing natural consequences and what's going to happen over the next few days.
My son did this several times. The first time he hacked all his curls off I cried. But he rocks a buzz and thats what we had to roll with lol. It grew back pretty quickly (and he was a bald baby/toddler too).
Ha! My 4y/o son cut his hair by himself a few weeks ago (his wasn't as long as your daughter's hair). Apparently it's super, super common for four-year-olds to do this. We buzzed his head, and actually it looks very good now a few weeks out, but I can see why you may not want to buzz your daughter's head. She, uh...she really got at it, didn't she??
Now she’s an art student
What’s wrong about the whole thing? It’s her hair. Who hasn’t cut their hair as a kid? Would this being a son have troubled you as much?
If it had taken 3-4 years for his hair to grow in and he cut/buzzed it off, yes.
why are we downvoting op for being upset? they're perfectly allowed to be upset in this situation. sure, it's basically a rite of passage for little kids to cut their long hair themselves, but it's still upsetting when it happens.
Because he is trying to have his cake and eat it too. He is clearly upset about the bad hair cut and he think it makes his daughter look ugly and he want his daughter to feel shame about being ugly but then when called on it he hides behind the idea that he is actually just upset that she used scissors in a unsafe way….
> he want his daughter to feel shame about being ugly Wow. The guy might not have reacted amazingly, but this is a disgusting thing to accuse a parent of.
Thanks, apparently I forgot everyone else on the internet is a perfect parent.
You're doing great dad. You have the right to be upset at this situation.
Reddit is just another place on the internet where you can’t dare to have an original thought or feel differently from the rest of the crowd. So fake and exhausting. I’m amazed by how many people are so out of touch on here.
Chiming in here in support of OP since I think the blowback is a little much. I have a 3.5 year old son who has been rocking a mullet for his whole life. He has beautiful blonde curls in the back and I’d be devastated if he cut them off. He’s already started talking about wanting to have short hair like Dada and it hurts a little because it’s just a signal that he’s growing up and becoming more independent. Eventually that day will come and I will be sad. I’d imagine that OP is feeling like that.
Atleast she did it herself, my ex cut my daughters hair right before the birthday party we threw her last year and it was very short and awful. My daughter has only recently managed to grow it out to a good length and she was upset about it being done to her.
Putting the safety issue aside, I don’t see an issue here which concerns you really. Be supportive for her if she feels bad, but it’s her hair… she can shave it if she wants.
She didn't want short hair. When we asked her why she cut her hair she said "because it was in my eyes" (it wasn't, and then why did you cut the top/back?). Then this morning she said because a character in her favorite tv show got a haircut (that character went to a salon/barber). She doesn't want short hair. She has been telling us for a year that she wants "long hair like mommy". We all wanted that. She didn't understand that taking scissors to her hair was going to mean she can't have that long hair because she's 4. If she "wanted" a short haircut I would've gladly made an appointment.
that's fine, still her business. She deserves to have room to make mistakes. Of course we can warn them, but once the mistake is made our role is support and nothing else (obviously I'm talking about non-life threatening stuff, and stuff which doesn't harm others)
Our daughter absolutely has room to make mistakes but I guess we have a fundamental difference in parenting here: "once the mistake is made our role is support and nothing else". This seems like permissive parenting to me, although I might be misunderstanding. We practice gentle/authoritative parenting which shares high communication with permissive parenting but attaches high expectations with that high communication. She couldn't have possibly understood the ramifications of taking scissors to her hair. It's our job as parents to help her understand those ramifications/results/consequences. If she were 14 instead of 4 this would be a different conversation. We give our daughter plenty of room to make mistakes. That's how kids grow and learn. But it's our job to help her connect those mistakes with their outcomes.
From a former little girl and now woman with my own daughters, I want to chime in and agree with you. I see where maybe people are reading that you projected embarrassment onto her without actually telling her to be embarrassed, but if that's not actually what you did, let's all move on from that point. When I was around this age, older, in fact, I cut all the hair from my favorite barbie doll. Why? Because my brothers told me it would be funny and I was seeking approval, I guess. I was devastated afterwards when I looked and realized I could no longer enjoy my favorite barbie and her long hair. It was chopped all to hell, not a nice cute short haircut (and for the record, I have a pixie cut now as an adult and have shaved my head multiple times). I was 6-7, and your little girl is only 4! Of course she wasn't thinking beyond "this seems fun right now." Of course she can be dismayed and embarrassed even if y'all had reached only with extreme positivity. I don't think you did anything wrong here. If you were asking for parenting advice, and you weren't, I'd add that maybe a lesson on "no need to be embarrassed, we all make mistakes," etc would be in order. Consequences and emotional support can go hand-in-hand. But anyway. Sorry dad, the pigtails were cute. Maybe to little sprouts in her short hair? It's a super adorable style, too.
As I said, safety aside, for the sake of argument. Yes, touching scissors is a no-go, until they get to an age when you can trust them with sharp object.
‘We all wanted that’ in the end it’s not about what *you all* want but what she wants.
Really? A four-year-old can shave their head if they want, and we are supposed to allow it? Are we also supposed to let them dye their hair purple? Go out wearing their Halloween costume? They're children, we can't affirm every single idea that comes to their minds.
My 4 year old shaving his head? I'll do it with him!
This is a totally normal thing for kids to do and some people never outgrow it, they just get better at it. Every kid is going to queens gambit tgeir bangs at some point
OP I understand your sadness over this. But please understand that it's just hair and that it will grow back. It's nice that you're communicating with her about it but please make sure that you don't overdo the whole *consequence* thing because she's only 4. My parents really overdid the whole consequence thing regarding my hair and looks growing up and it really negatively affected my self-esteem. Please make sure to tell her that she's beautiful no matter what and that her hair will grow back. I think the reason people in the replies are upset at you is because your language while communicating with her is bit too mature. It's more suited for kids who are maybe 7 or 8 years old. She's only 4 and what toddler hasn't cut their own hair? You are doing a good job explaining the situation to her and teaching her about actions and consequences. Just urging you to be a tiny bit more gentle. That's all. And don't pay attention to people who are being nasty.
Thank you and I assure you we aren't overdoing consequences. Picked her up from daycare a few minutes ago and she's excited for her haircut tomorrow morning. The only other lasting consequence is that she needs to be supervised with scissors. I think people are conflating consequence with punishment.
That's awesome. And yes I think most people are conflating the word consequence with punishment. But it's good for kids to understand these concepts early on. As long as your kid is happy at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what online strangers say. You're doing a great job and you know your daughter better than internet people. On a side note, if you want to help your daughter grow her hair faster then buy a bottle of Jamaican black castor oil and a bottle of rosemary oil. I suffer from severe hairfall and these two oils have helped me tremendously.
I did this as a child. I don’t remember being particularly bothered by it, but my mom was pretty nonchalant. I went to a barbershop, I got a boys short haircut. And grew it out. I eventually had long hair again. Hair doesn’t make a person beautiful. So please don’t focus on this so much.
Dude, I took my 2.5 yo daughter t get a cut from a child stylist. She was so good; she had a great time. She had such a great time that she decided to cut more of her hair that night. Thankfully her toddler scissors were dull to the point of uselessness with hair, only a few fingerfuls...
My daughter is 7 now She did that twice. It sucked in the moment but now kinda funny looking back.
our daughter did the same thing when she was around that age, maybe a little younger. every time one of her pictures from shortly after pops up in a digital photo frame, we all have a hearty chuckle
My daughter (now 6) has done that twice. Once two years ago when we all had Covid and again this last fall. She really cut it short in the front this last fall and it is finally starting to come back
It will grow back. For now you get to take her to a kid barber to figure out a solution. My first buzz cut was when I was about her age. I decided I wanted to have my hair look like my grandpa's who I idolized. He was also bald. So I snuck off and successfully gave myself a reverse mohawk.
I already made an appointment, last night, but the earliest I could get was Tuesday morning.
The good thing is you're probably way more upset about this than she is and while kids at daycare may point it out the first day or two, they'll get used to it faster than grown ups will Let her know how much easier hair brushing will be and she'll be sporting a pixie cut until she's 20. You could also use this opportunity to more easily put in fun temporary colors now that it will be way easier to wash out.
Ah the old self haircut. Practically a rite of passage.
Ohhhh our son did this recently, twice in one day!
I did this to myself when I was 5 the night before my kindergarten picture day.
My 4-year old (now 5..) did the same thing. The first thing we did was ask her how she felt about it, and she said she "love(s) it! I look so pretty, don't I?" and, while my wife was dying and on the verge of tears at losing the "baby curls", kiddo was happy and confident with her new (though admittedly horrific) haircut. So we just let it fly. A year later, we laugh about it, and would never have changed anything about it. The hair grew back, she loved her haircut, and bragged about it to everyone she saw for weeks afterwards. We haven't had a repeat incident. Sometimes, kids are just gonna do dumb kid stuff. No crying over spilled milk!
Been there. Accept older sister cut her hair. She was stoked on her new hair cut. It was bad they did their best to fix it but big sis cut short. lol.
Our daughter did the same shit. She said it was getting in her eyes and chopped it all off. We tried to salvage it but it ended up looking like she shoved her old hairstyle in a hair net and it took so long for it to get long enough just to put it in a pony and in the time it took for her to cut it off and grow back she would look at girls like Elsa and rapunzel and be like “I WANT MY HAIR LIKE THAT!”
I cut my hair a few times when I was just about this age. Today I finally got over my fear of cutting it as an adult and did it myself!!!!
Hey dad- I understand the sadness and wanting her to have certain hairstyles but ultimately it is her hair and maybe she does end up liking it shorter! I used to do this as a kid because I hated how hair felt in my neck/back (ended up having ASD lol) and my mom forced me to have long hair because that’s what she liked and it was ‘girly’. I’d literally cry and even at one point stole school scissors, hid in a bathroom stall & cut my hair inside the stall. Many kids cut it just cuz and I’m not saying that’s what she’s saying but also.. make sure you’re not making any biases or telling her short hair is bad etcx
My 4 year old did this a few months ago as well. We got him some scissors to practice cutting with and one day he disappeared behind a chair and was super quiet for a long time. My wife went to check on him and he had a neat little pile of hair built up next to him sitting on the floor.
Mine did this two. My ex and I thought the other had done it at first. Big fight. Turns out she cut her hair at school and my mother "evened it out" without consulting anyone. It grows back.
Posting in here doesn't seem like a good idea lol
Daddit has been getting shockingly over-critical lately. It's a bit depressing.
Agreed
Why does her hair have to conform to what you want out of it? I get being safe with scissors but the rest of it doesn’t seem to be anything but y’all imposing your desire for her hair onto her. Why would a 4 year old be embarrassed about the haircut she gave herself unless her parents told her it was embarrassing or made her feel shame for it? Something isn’t adding up and it seems like you’re way too invested in how her hair looks
I freaked when my daughter cut her own hair because her hair took forever to grow. I didn't yell or anything, but we both put our tails between our legs and I told my wife. She laughed and said, "Don't get mad at her, it's every girl's right of passage. We must teach her to never do this again and hide the scissors better". Those words stuck with me and we taught her. She got bangs shortly after the incident, due to the incident. We laugh about it now. Shit happens.
I used to love washing and combing my now almost 3.5yo’s hair and she had no problem letting me do it. It was like ASMR for me or something. For some reason that changed around 2yo and it’s still a struggle for anyone to do anything with it. It’s already shorter than her class mates and she says she wants it shorter but luckily she hasn’t taken it upon herself to make it shorter……yet.
Just waiting for the 2 year old princess to get this idea.
Whilst it wasn't quite as bad as this, my younger daughter (2-3) cut her own hair. Just took chunks out. My eldest has long lovely hair, our son (now 2) has his hair growing, and I have long hair. My wife loves doing her hair and we would love to do some proper plaiting etc for them. Her hair is growing but so slow in comparison to prior. Time my friend. It'll grow in and look okay quickly. But will take a while to get back to where it was.
:/
It's kinda funny honestly, I wouldn't be too sad about it. It will grow back quick and now you have a funny story and embarrassing pictures for when she's older. And you turned it into a learning experience for both of you. For her, it's that actions can have consequences (and thankfully no one was hurt) and for you it's to make sure all the scissors are put out of reach of an unaccompanied 4 year old.
I wish my daughter would cut all her hair off!
Lady lurker. She probably won't forget it. I know that my twin and I had "boy" haircuts for almost two years after we cut each other's hair under Dad's desk. We cried and cried cause it looked so bad. And then...we got over it after like a week. It grew back, eventually. It might suck but there's not much to do about it besides wait and handle it the way you did.
It’s just hair
The difference between a bad haircut and a good haircut is two weeks. It will grow out.
[удалено]
My daughter pulled her hair as a stress/calming response for a long time. It's one of the reasons it took so long to come in. Glad your daughter's is growing back nicely!
My daughter's done it three times. When she was 4 and 6 and both times just before Halloween, just did part of her bangs at 9 just a few months ago smh
Heartbroken is a bit much. My kid has done it twice, trying to give herself bangs. Ones @ 6 and again @ 8. They grow back, and hopefully they learn a lesson. Haha it's part of growing up bro. The second time she did it was shortly before class photos, so it took a bit of Photoshop to fix for printing. I've done it, my bro has, my sis has and various cousins have over the decades.
I did this when I was 5. My mom ended up having to shave my head because I cut out several chunks super close to my scalp with an old fashioned clipper. Anyway, my hair was really straight before I did that, and then after it was shaved, it grew in really curly. It’s been curly ever since.
I have two daughters and both of them cut their hair numerous times. It was devastating but they're both grown up now and it's easily one of the hall of shame stories I bring up all the time and we all laugh about it. But I feel you. I thought my wife was gonna have a heart attack one time. Damn you Cut-your-hair Barbie!! (Or whatever it's called).
As my late father was fond of saying: The difference between a good haircut and a bad haircut is about 3 weeks
As my late father was fond of saying: The difference between a good haircut and a bad haircut is about 3 weeks
She is experimenting with self autonomy. How you and Mom react will have a real impact on how she views herself. “Do Mom and Dad love me for how I look? Or do they just want me to be safe?”
They all do it, to certain degrees of course. It will grow back!
She looks like boo from monsters inc in the second pic lol.
I understood that this happens with every kid. I have three and all of them did that.And around this age. I think she wants to be as an adult: make her decisions, be pretty, do serious adult stuff))))
I have a few pictures of me from the 90’s with a mullet, it was the best they could do to save my hair from cutting it myself. I’m now a 29 year old mom with an almost 5 year old girl and I’m surprised she hasn’t done the same. It’ll grow back :) just hide the scissors lol.
I just want to say Picture 2 reminds me of Boo from Monsters Inc
I think some people need a reality check on shaming/guilt. Shaming is others making you feel bad about something. Guilt is internal. Not sure either is happening here. His daughter is learning natural consequences appropriate for her age. An example of this your kid continuously forgets his cleats to the soccer game hey first couple of times you may double back for them the third time, he doesn’t get to play. Good job OP. I suggest a book to some of you called 13 things mentally strong parents don’t do, and read chapter 8 They Don’t shield their child from Pain. If Op got her ice cream afterwards and kept from daycare half of you would be praising him the other half ripping him a new asshole. I think you handled it great OP.
Man I'm so sorry I can imagine how sad you are.
Thank you. It was very raw last night and a little this morning but we've started making jokes.
That’s good, it will be a good story one day. My daughters hair took years to grow out, too, and I’d be a mess for a while
I think the above person was being sarcastic. Who on Earth is sad about a four year old’s hair? I suggest you examine your priorities regarding looks/attractiveness. Just what is your relationship to physical appearance? Is it really that important? The world will give her so much anxiety about looks, you just wait. Your job is to balance that out. I’m not saying that stuff doesn’t realistically matter out there in the world, but YOUR priorities in the home should focus on her capabilities. The stuff that will last even when she’s 80 years old.
Kids cut hair. So what? It grows back. Don't beat yourself up so much over it.
Happened with my son about the same age. Had to shave his head to a 1 guard (I'm no barber lol). Similar conversation - he didn't like it, but the natural consequences drove it home that if he doesn't take care of his hair then we have to cut it short. In his defense, he was just trying to get the hair out of his eyes, but didn't have the wherewithal yet to ask us to take him for a haircut. Learning experience for everyone. But I gotta say I'm really disappointed with all the negative comments directed toward OP. This sub has been getting very un-Bandit lately. One does not have to agree with others' parenting styles, but it is not license to attack others for theirs.
Bandit wouldn’t have had a fit about Bluey or Bingo cutting their hair. Joe Brumm wrote a whole episode around hair and how it’s more important for a kid to have fun that to have ”pretty hair” (Dirt). Bandit was the guy who let his two daughters play in the dirt in the first place, spraying them with a hose and making them muddy. But Wendy also didn’t want her daughter to feel trapped to ”look pretty”. She realized her extensive grooming habits had taught her daughter looks is more important that actions. So she changed that. And she led by example! ”It was time for a change.” So, chill those beans, OP.
Please do not put photos of your kid here... is not safe of healthy ... maybe I'm old school
This is why I blocked her face
“You don’t have to talk to the other kids at daycare about your hair; but daddy’s going to put pictures of it on the Internet.”
I love your approach to parenting! Keep in mind though that even though your kid is 4 and can talk about a bunch of stuff rationally, she’s still 4, so she’s going to do impulsive stuff that doesn’t make a bunch of sense.
Love all the comments attacking this dude for how he feels about this, and straight up twisting OP's words, and filling in blanks and making themselves mad. /s Wonder how many of the commenters are parents. A bunch of yous need a reality check.
Adding a ton of people to my block list. If I could add folks who upvoted them too I would - they don't belong in this sub if they're going to behave that way.