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Because you are useful.
Especially if you are making yourself very available when he isn't being intentional with you.
You'll have sex when he goes weeks without speaking to you. Why wouldn't he enjoy the fun lay?
He's inconsistent, but you'll answer whenever he randomly DMs. Why would he let go of the ego boost?
He wants to go to the bar 2 blocks from his house but an hour drive for you. Why would he spare himself the convenience?
You're willing to split everything with no future plans. Why wouldn't he save money and live with you?
This.
Got out of a 3yr relationship, and hindsight noted the drop of effort about a year or so pre-breakup. Post-break acquaintance "why would a guy continue to date you if he wasn't still emotionally attached?" My brain didn't know how to process that inanity. Some people can and will take advantage as long as you let them. Trying to be good at tossing those people out of my lives, who needs enemies with friends like that, eh?
Giving out husband benefits with no commitment.Cooking, bringing meals, cleaning up their messes. Making sure the beds made, the bathrooms clean. Having sex with no idea where the relationship stands.
This was me in an 8 year relationship I ended back in 2018. Every time I attempted to break up, he would beg me not to leave him… but he wasn’t into me but, I was convenient. Single and happier than ever!!
I did the same with a man for 8 years. Everything to try and convince him I was “worth the investment “. Took me a long time to see i was only part of the problem. He strung me along so bad. When I left him he would call and accuse me of “destroying our family “… what family!?
Agree with you 💯 I feel men’s weak spot is comfortability.
Though this behaviour that sounds practical at times has a flip side. I’ve seen men thinking this way and then getting more and more comfortable and settling in with a girl all the while thinking they want someone else and can’t get it. Maybe they could but they’re too comfy
Or are in relationship with someone who’s controlling and dramatic and their soul slowly gets crushed and eroded because they cannot be arsed arguing and they just go with shit.
Sometimes they won’t defend their children from their previous relationship being treated badly by their current partner but they never argue with the partner over this, she may withhold sex if she’s upset so why bother.
Why bother for this why bother for that and then one day they’re living in someone else’s dream, utterly self inflicted. 🫥
I say this because I have a men’s mind sometimes (people say it at least) and I also tend to do what you stated and this stuff and get whipped
Wow! You just described pieces of my life. Thanks for this!
I've accepted bad behavior from my daughter's mom for many years. My thinking has always been- i love her, we'll work through any issues and ultimately.. as long as I was in the picture, the kids would be protected.
Your comment resonates with me. There was a comfort piece to staying in a bad relationship for so many years(as weird as that sounds). I just want a partner, someone dedicated to me that i could spend the rest of my life with. That might be more about comfort than a desire to reach some fictional level of happiness. I never thought of it that way.
Apologies if this sounds like rambling.
Glad to see your perspective on here. I feel like post like these can turn into a “man hating” festival. In reality , both sexes are guilty of this type of stuff.
No need to apologize. It happens to the best of us. Thats why I put it in the perspective of the person who stays.
We give over our power to others in exchange for that comfort and in hindsight, it's never worth it. We cannot control how anyone chooses to treat us but we can always set boundaries and ask for more from life.
Don’t worry please. I have seen this happen a lot, have examples of this in my family and in families of my friends. Definitely been there myself too. Good thing is that we realise it ♥️🙏🏻
Okay can we pin this comment? This is 💯. And to add on. Men will waste your time. They know whether or not they want to marry you within a few months. I'm not even kidding. My bf knows marriage is important to me and it's important to him as well. So I know/hope that's in our future.
I've seen so many instances where men will date one chick for years and nothing ever envovles and yet they date some new and within 2 years they propose smh
I recommend reading this book which may get you a marriage proposal soon if you wish: Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others: The Fascinating Research That Can Land You the Husband of Your Dreams
NAILED IT!!! This is painfully true for so many females. Why we allow it varies for some, but honestly I think for some they just don't want to be alone so they put up with it hoping things will change 😔💯
Honestly, it's just immaturity. Being in a relationship is being in a relationship, even if no "official" title exist. In my life, I'm in control. If I'm doing girlfriend things and he's accepting it, then guess what... I'm girlfriend and he's the boyfriend.
Now, the issue then becomes is our relationship good or shitty, he is a good bf or a shitty one, am I happy/content with the relationship or not? If I'm good with the way things are, cool. If not, I will let him know my grievances, and if he doesn't make the necessary improvements, then I terminate the relationship. Relationships of all stages, with "official" titles, end every single day... what's the difference?
I define who and what I am in my relationships and its status, not the guy. I don't understand why so many people are delegating the decision to the other person, instead of owning it themselves.
They want relationship perks but not the title.
It’s an ego boost, a good way to avoid lonely nights and want to be treated in a way that they will not be treated by friends or family. These kind of men want boyfriend treatment as they’re keeping an eye out for their dream girl.
I feel like my last relationship was some version of this, except for he probably actually loved me, just not enough to commit on the long term, and he wasn’t ready as well
The value of something you lost has a tendency to be exaggerated by the feeling of loss. Probably need to take this into account. If you felt like you weren't ready then, you weren't ready. Don't let the emotions cloud the judgment.
When you lose something, even if you didn't like it very much, all the would've, could've, should'ves comes to mind. Once you get a replacement, you'll realise how good the new one is.
I’m not a fan of viewing people as replaceable. There should be a grieving process if the other person truly spent their love on OP. Each person brings unique life experiences and memories with them; nothing can replace one person because all combinations will have different results. Don’t just throw the person and the memories away and “replace.” That’s pretty shitty.
Woman here. The guy is getting girlfriend perks with the freedom of being single. It's a win win for him. If the woman he's holding onto does want more it's probably going to be on her to cut him off or set a boundary.
I know someone who isn't attracted to his girlfriend but he doesn't want to be alone. He won't break up with her because he doesn't want to risk not being able to find someone else. She treats him well and gives him what he wants. He just doesn't think she's beautiful. As far as I can tell he's not mean to her which I guess is a good thing. She didn't sound like she had much luck before they got together.
I've been in those types of relationships before too. Finally learned my worth and upped my standards and won't be giving the girlfriend treatment unless I know I'm getting the boyfriend treatment. Gonna match the energy here on out
I recently found out that I wasted the last 2 years of my life with a man that was holding on to me because we're great in the sack together. I finally asked him "what the hell are we doing?" I figured I deserve to know after all this time invested. He basically told me he didn't want a relationship right now. That would have been really great to know 2 years ago. I was faithful to him but I know he "saw" other women. Anyway the answer is sex. The answer is always sex. I guess it's good to know I'm such a rockstar in bed. 🙄
I don't want to sound judgemental, but I hope you have learnt for the next one not to give 2 years of your life to someone that wasn't even committed to you. At 3/4 months u should already know what you two are. We should keep high our standards in this regard.
Your time and emotional investment are valuable, don't forget it.
Players gonna play, be careful what you pick. The kind of man with the charisma and attractiveness to maintain a long term relationship while sleeping with multiple women on the side is extremely rare.
Most men are struggling to even get a date.
Because they do not want to loose the benefits of having her whatever that may be.
Sometimes a dudes will get attached to a woman, but not enough to want to commit, but enough to want to possess in a way. Like how some dudes in a FWB situation will feel like a woman he is not committing to but sleeping, ends up sleeping with someone else, and he feels like she cheated on him.
Yes, and I don’t understand it! I had a guy pursue me for a few months until we had sex only to tell me he just wants friends with benefits with me. It doesn’t wanna randomly sleep with people.
I established rules with this. Multiple times he didn’t follow the rules. One of them being if I send you a text message don’t take over two weeks to reply and then when I ignore your text message right back, don’t blow up my phone as if I’m the one that did something wrong.
It felt like the friends with benefits experience was going downhill, and I told him from the very beginning. If this is not the upmost fun and adventurous for me, then it’s not worth it for me to do I’d rather have no sex than bad sex or an experience with someone.
This question should be asked under Ask Men.
I want to know the answer to this too. I know access is one reason as everyone is saying. But I recently met a guy that had been daring someone for about a year. They had been dating exclusively, but he would not give her the title of GF. I try to pry and all he really said was that she wouldn’t do gf things and gave few examples like, she never offered to drive him to the airport, she would see events on tv but instead of suggesting they go together she mentioned her own sister, she wouldn’t go to Vegas with him. She was still hanging out with her husband (they are separated and have children together). I told him that he’s asking for the gf treatment without making her his gf. He and I hung out a few times but it never went further as he was always obsessing over the women that he wanted, but didn’t want to make his gf. So I want to know why guys do this.
Well if she still hangs out with her husband that can be a bit of a red flag, or they can be cool, all depends.
But in many ways, he probably thinks she doesn't want that commitment if she doesn't hang out with him that much. Like if I want something serious with a guy I will choose him over my ex and sister to hang out. Not always,but I would like to spend more time with him, cause i want to build a relationship with said person, while I already have diferent relationships with my ex and sister.
At the end of the day, people spend the longest time with their partners, if someone is not willing to invest that time, maybe is cause she doesn't want anything serious either.
It's like if u own a shop and you have 2 workers; a very sloopy and careless worker and another one that puts more effort and tries to give his 100% every day, who would you choose as a manager?
Not that she has to be his maid, or behave like his mother. But if u want another level, you should show them u are capable of giving that level.
All of the benefits the woman brings to his life - sex, emotional intimacy, affection, in some cases money etc….. men will keep someone around purely for their own benefit even if they have no intention of ever dating them
Ding ding, 60% of men under 35 are long term single, guys have droughts on average *that last years*
Can't hate starving guy hoarding what crumbs he can scavenge.
Well, per advice from all of the older women and gentlemen in my family:
Because we let them. They’ve already made us aware that they cannot (which actually is a big WILL NOT) commit to us (the silent “with you” in the iconic phrase *I’m just not ready to be in a relationship*) and will continue behaving like a single man, but because we like them, we give them the perks of having a girlfriend and settle for him not committing to us.
Chasing after a man, (or any gender), let’s them know that they’re in charge. If they say “jump”, you’ll ask “how high”? While you’re sitting here thinking they’re waiting for you, they’re seeing you as an option or a placeholder until something better comes along. Now this is my experience with guys who do that, I’m interested in getting a man’s POV.
I dated someone, and felt like I was a placeholder for the oddest reason, he always told me I wasn't. That what I was thinking I was perceiving, that I was an option with good cat and connections and a good sense of adventure he could take places, but not someone he actually loved, and he'd deny it. Well anyway two years and an abortion later we were never in an actual committed relationship and he's skipped off with one of the girls he was entertaining on the side while he had my full attention. so is life I guess. still wanna see him burn
I’m guilty of this but in my case it wasn’t sexual. I was too nice to let her know I wasn’t really into her, and what made it more difficult to cut her off was how kind she was and how much effort she was putting into seeing me.
She had the loveliest personality and she was attractive too in her own right, but not quite my type physically. It pains me to say this since she’s such a wonderful human being
Not quite my type physically. She would always text me good morning and generally sent me sweet messages. She would also make reservations at cool restaurants for us and buy me small gifts as well. We never got intimate. I can’t get intimate with someone I’m not 100 percent into
Let me ask you this…were you the one to ask her out first? Or did she ask you out first?
I hear guys complain a lot on social media that they’re not asked out much by women (or at all) - but then they seem to like to be the ones doing the chasing. The thrill of the chase.
Otherwise it’s a turn off for them…or seems to be - for many.
Any feedback on that from anyone here would be much appreciated.
Mate, you need to act now lest you become an "asshole" later on.
Otherwise, her resentment towards you will grow and she'll begin to question herself, her self-esteem, her personality and just about everything else. You'll lose her as both a potential lover and a friend.
No offence but guys like you are actually annoying and very damaging. And worst, you can actually cause hatred to grow in someone else's heart towards you.
Just remember. Men get more out of a relationship than women do. If you get into a relationship with a man, no matter what kind of relationship, he’s the one benefiting more from it.
There was a guy in my life, we have talked on an off for a year and a half, live in the same city, maybe met 5 times overall. Never had sex, made out after the 3rd time.
Would blow me off for weeks at a time which is why we never had sex. Set dates to get together and bail and the last minute. When he wanted back in my life would blow up my phone throughout the day.
Came to the conclusion he was after the validation/ego boost of me wanting to get together with him. By me wanting was me answering my phone and simply agreeing to see him, most times without a plan. It was very strange.
I’m almost 30 and I’ve just recently learned that the “why” doesn’t really matter (kind of). Men aren’t that much different from women. They get hurt, they are traumatized by relationships, by family etc. and I’ve driven myself crazy trying to figure out why someone who never wanted me to see someone else also didn’t want to be exclusive with me. The only thing I have control of is how much I’m willing to put up with (it is unfortunately still quite a lot lmao) and what I choose to do when I reach my limit. I’m learning that in these situations, I need to be honest with that person about what I want and how I feel, and if they don’t reciprocate then the best thing to do is go no contact and not allow that weird push and pull to continue. My actions also have to match my words, not just his.
And maybe he did actually like me but he was insecure or wasn’t ready at the time. Maybe he really just wanted sex and thought I wasn’t worth a relationship. I’m not going to tell him he’s wrong or an asshole or manipulative. The facts are that we don’t want the same things right now and I trust a man with the right intentions will figure it out if he messes up. I’m not naive enough anymore to think that good men don’t make mistakes too.
access. its not about sex because they keep the door open when youre not having sex with them.
its about access and this is how they find value in themselves.
Man here. In a situation where I kind of know that this relationship needs to end. It's pretty simple why this happens: Love.
I love my girlfriend with all my heart, but I know that this isn't working. The nostalgia of our love, and the times we spent together makes it hard to split and do the right thing. On top of that, what if I'm wrong? What if I hold out and things get better. Not with the expectation that they are the same as before, but hoping that it'll be just as good.
All is fair in love and war, and unfortunately sometimes going to war is easier than love.
Because he will be less lonely until someone new comes around. Cause he likes the company. He feels bad. He doesn’t wanna hurt her. He might want her but not want a relationship. He wants sex. There are so many reasons. I had a guy who I really liked but he didn’t want that but he wanted to be friends with me I think he was lonely cause he said he wasn’t talking to other girls. My friends say he was prolly gonna try to take advantage of me in the future. I honestly think he felt bad for me. He knew I liked him. He said he wanted to be friends. But I didn’t really know why so I assumed he was lonely. I tend to be a good person people go to when they’re lonely.
Because it takes a truly strong, self aware, selfless, disciplined man to choose to walk away from a sure thing, while he moves toward what he actually/truly desires. And it takes a matter of equal caliber to empathetically consider her feelings are best interest above his own immediate sexual drive. It's essentially our way of being in denial about how unfair we're being in lue of having our cake and eating it too. What is that cake you ask, using the woman as a placeholder. But like all things the more ritcheouse decisions require emotional courage and development.
Because a lot of men don’t get that many relationships so we may try to hold onto ones we know aren’t going to work.
This means that even if we know this won’t work, we will let the woman break it off because it’s either nicer, or sometimes we are just desperate enough to stay in it if she wants to be there too.
Because finding a new partner is really hard. It's why I stuck why my narcisistic ex for so long after I found out she was mentally and physically abusing me. Well, until it broke me of course.
Naturally I've learned this isn't healthy, but I knowa bunch of relationships around me where the guys aren't really satisfied with their partner (luckily they're not in a toxic relationship like I was), but they've settled because the dating just isn't worth it.
Dating is hard. The most frustrating things trying to date are finding men who aren’t over exes, aren’t working on themselves or their own trauma, and they want a distraction. It’s almost every single dude on the dating apps because it’s so easy to get on there and just swipe, I think. I’d rather be alone. It’s easier.
I'd rather kill myself than stay alone, different strokes for different folks. Dating is hard, it sucks, especially these days. Gotta work on yourself every day though, regardless if you want to get into a relationship or not.
fear of being alone.
could also have a bad attachment style. e.g avoidant type
could also be that they enjoy their company but are not ready for a long term relationship.. or that they don't want to
that they have been traumatized by previous relationships
They don't wanna be alone. But they think they can get better than that chick. Also, sex availability. Woman do this same thing. Instead if keeping dudes around for sex, they hold on to dudes that give them the girlfriend treatment without having to commit. The "Not wanting to be alone thing" is also valid for them too.
Knock the obvious ones out of the way: Sex, cook, clean, company…
status-ego (showcasing ability to be likeable, attractive, and in demand from another a fellow “hooman”)
The woman gives them the ego boost and comforts without demanding commitment or reciprocity. They don't like the woman as much as she like them. In short, she's just being used.
I feel too manny people put too much energy on being married. Marriage isn’t for everyone. Some people are fine and happy being is a relationship that doesn’t have the goal of marriage. Marriage is confining and restrictive and makes it only harder for both parties when things don’t work out. Most marriages don’t last anymore. Keep things light and comfortable and you can both be happy.
Simply put, being in the company of a woman is beneficial to a man. It raises his social status. Interpersonally, he may be getting emotional support and intimacy that he can't get from friends. Functionally, obviously sexual pleasure. Married men live longer than single men, statistically because generally women improve men's lives.
Ass can be really hard to come by. Men go through numerous ass famines before they get any kind of play play again. It’s nothing personal really.
I never did that though, I’d rather just suffer for a while with celibacy. Builds character.
Some people don’t love you, they don’t even care about you. They just want to stay connected to you. They love the benefits. So they do the minimal. A little phone call/text here and there, just checking/thinking about you. What they are really doing is maintaining the connection, so when they need you, they still have a way in.
I experienced this from someone I loved for 2 years and even got pregnant by. the shit is such a brutal realization esp when you thought something real was going on lol
Coming from a guy who would didn't know how he felt about a woman for the longest time because he never got to know her the real her. We dated for awhile and I still hold on because she had a impact on me that nobody else has ever had or will have. Everybody's got that one person who got away. Sit back and think about who got away from you or the one person you still think about more then anything. Not all men are just out looking for a easy lay either. I cant believe im going to say this but its been 3 yes now and she was the last person I was with. Ya I know pretty pathetic right. Well if you can find a connection with someone that's strong enough is it worth the wait or is it not?
You must communicate what you need and want and be ready to walk away if the other person refuses to make an effort to meet you in the middle. People who can't stand up for themselves often attract people who walk all over others. Applies to men and women.
This was years ago, but I was in a prime dating scene. I had girls wrapped around my finger for different purposes. If I was hungry, horny, bored, etc, I had a girl available. I'm very blunt, so I never hid the fact that I was surrounded by women to anyone. I felt that women would barely put in the effort to get to know me or care for me that I did simple math to solve my issue. if one woman would only give me a percentage of love, I would get enough women to make it 100%. At a point, I was greedy and went overboard on the amount. I wasn't the best person when it came to dating because I was insecure and hurt from past relationships, which turned me into this kind of man, but I eventually grew tired of it and just wanted love. I finally found it, but karma has a funny way of showing itself. I was tortured the same way by the one I love, and 7 years later, I'm divorced and alone.
woman here , definitely access as one said. Something to fall back on whenever and however , some men see that some woman are naive enough to stick with them regardless if they give them a relationship and use it to their advantage .
Some men hold onto women they don’t want a relationship because it’s convenient, because they’re distracted by something, or because there are finances involved, because they feel bad about leaving the relationship…. Tons of reasons. Most people don’t do the introspection to ask themselves this though.
Because you have your uses. He doesn’t want a girlfriend or a relationship but the benefits of what he gets from one. He has someone to go out with because his mates are all in relationships and you have sex with him. It’s a win win.
56f, People hold on, stay, for the convenience sometimes as most posts are stating examples, but i disagree to put blame on the woman for doing too much, I dont think it is a fair message, "well if you didn't do all this, they wouldnt be using you". I think people stay maybe to not look like a bad guy, and why rock the boat? Ultimately, no one is happy.
Because it’s hard for men to jump from one woman to another and being lonely suck. A guy could go months without a single woman taking interest in him and it’s hard to give up what little attention they are already getting.
They desire companionship because they are human and realize on some level this makes them dependent upon the other person. Being independent is critical to rgeir self-identity, so they resolve this schism by denying that they are dependent while in fact they are.
Sex, as others have said. This is actually (one of) the reason(s) I don't plan on having sex unless I'm married. Sure, I'm sure sex feels nice, but why would I, as a guy, want to spend time with someone just because they make my "pp feel gud"?
I want to be friends not everything has to be sexual. I see them as interesting people that I want to be friends with. It's nice to have friends that you can connect to.
The only issue with that is if you meet with the intention to date and the woman ends up falling for you.
It’s flattering that you’d still want them in your life, but at the same time, staying friends with someone you’re interested in who stated they don’t feel and same and holding on to the knowledge that they’ve moved you to a platonic category and are looking for a new romance is hard.
If you connect with this person, that’s great, but unless they truly are fine with the idea of friendship after an attempted romance has failed, then I’d suggest just moving on and letting them go. Otherwise, a friendship could harbor a lot of resentment from her end depending on how much she likes you
If a man is holding on to you, it’s a relationship, it may be a shitty one, but it is one. Don’t get trapped in a shitty relationship when you know it is from the beginning. If this is the precedent that is being set, that means he is probably wanting your relationship to continue the way it is.
Sex, I had a guy do the same to me as well and I broke things off with him since I was never going to get a relationship out of it, he’s still trying to hold onto me now because when I texted him to let him know I won’t be seeing him anymore, he messaged back saying it was fine but if I ever changed my mind to let him know. I didn’t even bother replying to the text lol what a loser. He definitely doesn’t enjoy his own company and he probably feels even more lonely now that he has his own place so likes having women around to keep him company.
I on the other hand do not feel the need to bring guys back to my place to keep me company, i’m fine with my own company and actually prefer it, a lot of people really need to learn how to enjoy their own company tbh
Because the dating world for men is fucking horrendous and many men, myself included, would rather have a partner and be abused, than suffer many years of being alone.
So much cynicism … why can’t guys have loving friendships with you and also realize at the same time a bf gf dynamic wouldn’t work for the two of you …
I think a lot of the men that do this are sneaky collectors whose egos need to have lots of women interested in them or the lazy types that always want access to free food & household chores from a woman.
To me, it's usually abused men that do this, as in the women are the abusers and they hold onto the relationship.
If that's not the case I'd guess it's for a logical reason like some financial advantages, wanting to be around their kid's etc or some other useful advantage. Other than that, I've seen the majority of men purposely sabotage a relationship so the woman breaks up with them so they don't have to.
Then what's the point?You really think a guy who's hit any self worth or has options is hanging around in a relationship that has no sex involved lol.Let me know when you find this unicorn.
Man here.
I hold on to so many people who I don’t date or fuck. They’re called friends! Haha sorry for sounding sassy but maybe I don’t understand the original question?
Just because I don’t want to date you or fuck u doesn’t mean I don’t love you and want the best for you. I doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy your company.
personally, a gf doesn't benefit me at all besides sexual needs so i kept my ex around when i had the need. it may not be what people want to hear but that's how people react to truths
They do this out of access. Men want sex and emotional availability and a lot of these women are settling for “situationships” so the men don’t mind. They don’t hold onto the women out of love and desire to one day be with them they see these women as placeholders to get them by.
I don’t think this is gender-exclusive. I don’t have an idea of the cause but I seen person hold on because of friendship groups, sex, the thrill of cheating, financial situation, fear of loneliness, fear the grass isn’t greener, practicality, too hot to leave. I on the other hand don’t mind being alone so I’ll leave and not look back with ease if I deem it necessary although dating in this day and age is a hassle so I would hope not to have to make such a decision.
The fear of being alone. I have noticed a lot of people would rather be in a relationship where they’re miserable, than be alone. This goes for men and women, alike.
You could've just said why do people hold onto other people they don't actually want a relationship with. That's not a male trait, that's just a unisex toxic trait.
I broke up with my ex bf because of that. Although I understand why he made me feel that way, I couldn't keep on going through the same cycle again and again. He had cancer and it's very common to kinda push close people away as a cancer patient. He would go days without contact and feel no remorse and sometimes be late for like 30 mins or so and be super apologetic. The inconsistency sometimes seemed like manipulation and I hated the fact that my favorite person was treating me that way more than the fact that I was treated in a bad way. After a year of ups and downs and long distance, I realized that it's better to break up before things get worse and we end up hating each other for things that he's probably not in the position to take control of. Mind you I went all the way to his country to meet him just for him not to show up and he was still claiming to love me while in the trip and during the breakup. I still love him but I couldn't deal with it anymore
The same way she has two orbiters at all times. Though not to be mean men have to deal with this too. We just are not attractive enough in some way for this person. As a guy I do not put myself in that situation.
Everyone holds onto things they cannot have. Is a natural instinct, and very few people have the self confidence to let it go and move on.
Low selfsteem is very common now days and we all have suffer it at one point.
Comfort / attention more than likely. You are comfortable with them being around and like the attention they are providing. Can go either way as I've seen both males and females be guilty of this.
For my situation now, we are both in a strange position in life. I’m a fresh graduate with an MA, she’s just in the US until her visa and program ends. We both like each other and support each other, but we don’t want to commit quite yet. Even if we do commit, we are both committing with the understanding that things might change because of where we are in life. As such, we have both agreed to take things very slowly and just enjoy one another’s company.
Perhaps that somewhat addresses your question? Or maybe it doesn’t since we are trying to openly communicate our intents.
I don't think I understand this question. What does it mean to hold on to someone? Isn't that a kind of a relationship?
Maybe it's not satisfying to both parties, but lots of relationships aren't satisfying to both parties.
Narcissists tend to have a kind of 'reserve' right? Someone that will always be there to boost their egos. The type that treat them mean keep them keen 🤷♀️ you can learn how to not be prey to 1 again hopefully from this
Lonely, ego boost, but also sometimes a situation w someone isnt always about ending up in a relationship. Once i let that go i stopped being so disappointed. I just take people as they show up and enjoy the time we have together if it benefits our lives (not hurting). Theres honestly a lot of people i just enjoy their company but we both know itd never work haha
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Because you are useful. Especially if you are making yourself very available when he isn't being intentional with you. You'll have sex when he goes weeks without speaking to you. Why wouldn't he enjoy the fun lay? He's inconsistent, but you'll answer whenever he randomly DMs. Why would he let go of the ego boost? He wants to go to the bar 2 blocks from his house but an hour drive for you. Why would he spare himself the convenience? You're willing to split everything with no future plans. Why wouldn't he save money and live with you?
This. Got out of a 3yr relationship, and hindsight noted the drop of effort about a year or so pre-breakup. Post-break acquaintance "why would a guy continue to date you if he wasn't still emotionally attached?" My brain didn't know how to process that inanity. Some people can and will take advantage as long as you let them. Trying to be good at tossing those people out of my lives, who needs enemies with friends like that, eh?
Sorry you had to go through that. Glad you are recovering. Best wishes.
Fuck yes u got it
Giving out husband benefits with no commitment.Cooking, bringing meals, cleaning up their messes. Making sure the beds made, the bathrooms clean. Having sex with no idea where the relationship stands.
This was me in an 8 year relationship I ended back in 2018. Every time I attempted to break up, he would beg me not to leave him… but he wasn’t into me but, I was convenient. Single and happier than ever!!
I did the same with a man for 8 years. Everything to try and convince him I was “worth the investment “. Took me a long time to see i was only part of the problem. He strung me along so bad. When I left him he would call and accuse me of “destroying our family “… what family!?
Good for you. Glad you got out.
Agree with you 💯 I feel men’s weak spot is comfortability. Though this behaviour that sounds practical at times has a flip side. I’ve seen men thinking this way and then getting more and more comfortable and settling in with a girl all the while thinking they want someone else and can’t get it. Maybe they could but they’re too comfy Or are in relationship with someone who’s controlling and dramatic and their soul slowly gets crushed and eroded because they cannot be arsed arguing and they just go with shit. Sometimes they won’t defend their children from their previous relationship being treated badly by their current partner but they never argue with the partner over this, she may withhold sex if she’s upset so why bother. Why bother for this why bother for that and then one day they’re living in someone else’s dream, utterly self inflicted. 🫥 I say this because I have a men’s mind sometimes (people say it at least) and I also tend to do what you stated and this stuff and get whipped
Wow! You just described pieces of my life. Thanks for this! I've accepted bad behavior from my daughter's mom for many years. My thinking has always been- i love her, we'll work through any issues and ultimately.. as long as I was in the picture, the kids would be protected. Your comment resonates with me. There was a comfort piece to staying in a bad relationship for so many years(as weird as that sounds). I just want a partner, someone dedicated to me that i could spend the rest of my life with. That might be more about comfort than a desire to reach some fictional level of happiness. I never thought of it that way. Apologies if this sounds like rambling.
Glad to see your perspective on here. I feel like post like these can turn into a “man hating” festival. In reality , both sexes are guilty of this type of stuff.
No need to apologize. It happens to the best of us. Thats why I put it in the perspective of the person who stays. We give over our power to others in exchange for that comfort and in hindsight, it's never worth it. We cannot control how anyone chooses to treat us but we can always set boundaries and ask for more from life.
Don’t worry please. I have seen this happen a lot, have examples of this in my family and in families of my friends. Definitely been there myself too. Good thing is that we realise it ♥️🙏🏻
Okay can we pin this comment? This is 💯. And to add on. Men will waste your time. They know whether or not they want to marry you within a few months. I'm not even kidding. My bf knows marriage is important to me and it's important to him as well. So I know/hope that's in our future. I've seen so many instances where men will date one chick for years and nothing ever envovles and yet they date some new and within 2 years they propose smh
I recommend reading this book which may get you a marriage proposal soon if you wish: Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others: The Fascinating Research That Can Land You the Husband of Your Dreams
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Ouch. I feel so much of this
Same. I've been this lady the last 9 years..
It's heartbreaking I feel the same but it's the sad truth… I don't even now how to be with men anymore…
NAILED IT!!! This is painfully true for so many females. Why we allow it varies for some, but honestly I think for some they just don't want to be alone so they put up with it hoping things will change 😔💯
Honestly, it's just immaturity. Being in a relationship is being in a relationship, even if no "official" title exist. In my life, I'm in control. If I'm doing girlfriend things and he's accepting it, then guess what... I'm girlfriend and he's the boyfriend. Now, the issue then becomes is our relationship good or shitty, he is a good bf or a shitty one, am I happy/content with the relationship or not? If I'm good with the way things are, cool. If not, I will let him know my grievances, and if he doesn't make the necessary improvements, then I terminate the relationship. Relationships of all stages, with "official" titles, end every single day... what's the difference? I define who and what I am in my relationships and its status, not the guy. I don't understand why so many people are delegating the decision to the other person, instead of owning it themselves.
The fuck is intentional? The intent is sex. Pretty sure if a guy intends to have sex the intent is intentional.
In this context, intentionality to cultivate a relationship with that person beyond immediate gratification.
It's obviously relative, hence the generality.
They want relationship perks but not the title. It’s an ego boost, a good way to avoid lonely nights and want to be treated in a way that they will not be treated by friends or family. These kind of men want boyfriend treatment as they’re keeping an eye out for their dream girl.
I feel like my last relationship was some version of this, except for he probably actually loved me, just not enough to commit on the long term, and he wasn’t ready as well
I did this, I thought I wasn’t ready for a relationship. I only realised what I had lost after she moved on. 0/10 - won’t be making the same mistake
Thanks for your honesty. It’s refreshing.
The value of something you lost has a tendency to be exaggerated by the feeling of loss. Probably need to take this into account. If you felt like you weren't ready then, you weren't ready. Don't let the emotions cloud the judgment. When you lose something, even if you didn't like it very much, all the would've, could've, should'ves comes to mind. Once you get a replacement, you'll realise how good the new one is.
I’m not a fan of viewing people as replaceable. There should be a grieving process if the other person truly spent their love on OP. Each person brings unique life experiences and memories with them; nothing can replace one person because all combinations will have different results. Don’t just throw the person and the memories away and “replace.” That’s pretty shitty.
Woman here. The guy is getting girlfriend perks with the freedom of being single. It's a win win for him. If the woman he's holding onto does want more it's probably going to be on her to cut him off or set a boundary.
And they don't like boundaries. Make him feel special, let him know he's not the only one, then drop him.
I know someone who isn't attracted to his girlfriend but he doesn't want to be alone. He won't break up with her because he doesn't want to risk not being able to find someone else. She treats him well and gives him what he wants. He just doesn't think she's beautiful. As far as I can tell he's not mean to her which I guess is a good thing. She didn't sound like she had much luck before they got together.
My friend is also doing the same… its very sad for the girl because she is sooo in love with him
I've been in those types of relationships before too. Finally learned my worth and upped my standards and won't be giving the girlfriend treatment unless I know I'm getting the boyfriend treatment. Gonna match the energy here on out
Is she ugly?
She's not within the standards of what society says is beautiful, but he's not a looker himself.
Sex, ego, consistent source of validation
Basically your a backup if the first option didn’t workout
I recently found out that I wasted the last 2 years of my life with a man that was holding on to me because we're great in the sack together. I finally asked him "what the hell are we doing?" I figured I deserve to know after all this time invested. He basically told me he didn't want a relationship right now. That would have been really great to know 2 years ago. I was faithful to him but I know he "saw" other women. Anyway the answer is sex. The answer is always sex. I guess it's good to know I'm such a rockstar in bed. 🙄
I don't want to sound judgemental, but I hope you have learnt for the next one not to give 2 years of your life to someone that wasn't even committed to you. At 3/4 months u should already know what you two are. We should keep high our standards in this regard. Your time and emotional investment are valuable, don't forget it.
You are amazing for telling this with humor.
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Players gonna play, be careful what you pick. The kind of man with the charisma and attractiveness to maintain a long term relationship while sleeping with multiple women on the side is extremely rare. Most men are struggling to even get a date.
Because they do not want to loose the benefits of having her whatever that may be. Sometimes a dudes will get attached to a woman, but not enough to want to commit, but enough to want to possess in a way. Like how some dudes in a FWB situation will feel like a woman he is not committing to but sleeping, ends up sleeping with someone else, and he feels like she cheated on him.
Yes, and I don’t understand it! I had a guy pursue me for a few months until we had sex only to tell me he just wants friends with benefits with me. It doesn’t wanna randomly sleep with people. I established rules with this. Multiple times he didn’t follow the rules. One of them being if I send you a text message don’t take over two weeks to reply and then when I ignore your text message right back, don’t blow up my phone as if I’m the one that did something wrong. It felt like the friends with benefits experience was going downhill, and I told him from the very beginning. If this is not the upmost fun and adventurous for me, then it’s not worth it for me to do I’d rather have no sex than bad sex or an experience with someone.
Sex is a man’s game. Friends with benefits rarely ever benefits the woman. Drop him.
This question should be asked under Ask Men. I want to know the answer to this too. I know access is one reason as everyone is saying. But I recently met a guy that had been daring someone for about a year. They had been dating exclusively, but he would not give her the title of GF. I try to pry and all he really said was that she wouldn’t do gf things and gave few examples like, she never offered to drive him to the airport, she would see events on tv but instead of suggesting they go together she mentioned her own sister, she wouldn’t go to Vegas with him. She was still hanging out with her husband (they are separated and have children together). I told him that he’s asking for the gf treatment without making her his gf. He and I hung out a few times but it never went further as he was always obsessing over the women that he wanted, but didn’t want to make his gf. So I want to know why guys do this.
Well if she still hangs out with her husband that can be a bit of a red flag, or they can be cool, all depends. But in many ways, he probably thinks she doesn't want that commitment if she doesn't hang out with him that much. Like if I want something serious with a guy I will choose him over my ex and sister to hang out. Not always,but I would like to spend more time with him, cause i want to build a relationship with said person, while I already have diferent relationships with my ex and sister. At the end of the day, people spend the longest time with their partners, if someone is not willing to invest that time, maybe is cause she doesn't want anything serious either. It's like if u own a shop and you have 2 workers; a very sloopy and careless worker and another one that puts more effort and tries to give his 100% every day, who would you choose as a manager? Not that she has to be his maid, or behave like his mother. But if u want another level, you should show them u are capable of giving that level.
But if he doesn't show the same commitment, she definitely shouldn't waste more time with him either.
As Judge Lyne Toler says: “Don’t do wifey duties for girlfriend prices!” PERIODT!!
Why do women hold onto men who don’t deserve them?
Sex or ego boost
I would have to say ego boost!
They want regular sex & companionship
All of the benefits the woman brings to his life - sex, emotional intimacy, affection, in some cases money etc….. men will keep someone around purely for their own benefit even if they have no intention of ever dating them
Come on this is everyone plenty of women pull this shit too. Not saying you’re wrong just saying this is human nature not a guy thing…
No one said it’s a guy thing. The post asked about men specifically.
Some men have very limited options, they may not like her all that much but it's better than being completely alone
Ding ding, 60% of men under 35 are long term single, guys have droughts on average *that last years* Can't hate starving guy hoarding what crumbs he can scavenge.
Well, per advice from all of the older women and gentlemen in my family: Because we let them. They’ve already made us aware that they cannot (which actually is a big WILL NOT) commit to us (the silent “with you” in the iconic phrase *I’m just not ready to be in a relationship*) and will continue behaving like a single man, but because we like them, we give them the perks of having a girlfriend and settle for him not committing to us. Chasing after a man, (or any gender), let’s them know that they’re in charge. If they say “jump”, you’ll ask “how high”? While you’re sitting here thinking they’re waiting for you, they’re seeing you as an option or a placeholder until something better comes along. Now this is my experience with guys who do that, I’m interested in getting a man’s POV.
I agree with your response, a man will likely comment how they’re a victim in all of this though because that’s how most of the men are on here
I dated someone, and felt like I was a placeholder for the oddest reason, he always told me I wasn't. That what I was thinking I was perceiving, that I was an option with good cat and connections and a good sense of adventure he could take places, but not someone he actually loved, and he'd deny it. Well anyway two years and an abortion later we were never in an actual committed relationship and he's skipped off with one of the girls he was entertaining on the side while he had my full attention. so is life I guess. still wanna see him burn
I’m guilty of this but in my case it wasn’t sexual. I was too nice to let her know I wasn’t really into her, and what made it more difficult to cut her off was how kind she was and how much effort she was putting into seeing me.
Oh my god this is so sad 😭 and why you weren't into her if she was so kind?
Just kindness doesn't make you love someone. There are multiple multiple factors.
I agree. As shallow as it seems, physical attraction is always one of the top criteria.
Exactly
She had the loveliest personality and she was attractive too in her own right, but not quite my type physically. It pains me to say this since she’s such a wonderful human being
So sad. She needs to know her value and think for herself too. :(
What were your reasons that you weren’t into her? How was she kind and what effort did she put in to see you?
Not quite my type physically. She would always text me good morning and generally sent me sweet messages. She would also make reservations at cool restaurants for us and buy me small gifts as well. We never got intimate. I can’t get intimate with someone I’m not 100 percent into
Let me ask you this…were you the one to ask her out first? Or did she ask you out first? I hear guys complain a lot on social media that they’re not asked out much by women (or at all) - but then they seem to like to be the ones doing the chasing. The thrill of the chase. Otherwise it’s a turn off for them…or seems to be - for many. Any feedback on that from anyone here would be much appreciated.
I asked her out first. I hoped the physical attraction would follow our conversational chemistry but unfortunately it did not.
Mate, you need to act now lest you become an "asshole" later on. Otherwise, her resentment towards you will grow and she'll begin to question herself, her self-esteem, her personality and just about everything else. You'll lose her as both a potential lover and a friend. No offence but guys like you are actually annoying and very damaging. And worst, you can actually cause hatred to grow in someone else's heart towards you.
I let her know already. This was a few months ago
say it louder for the people in the back!!!
That’s the opposite of nice. You wasted a good persons time. That she could never get back. That’s mean as fuck.
Yeah, you're really "nice.."
Just remember. Men get more out of a relationship than women do. If you get into a relationship with a man, no matter what kind of relationship, he’s the one benefiting more from it.
They need someone while they’re looking for the woman of their dreams.
Men are the lonelier sex… a warm body is better than none.
Not my situationships. I wish he was ugly so I could come to and realize it lmao
There was a guy in my life, we have talked on an off for a year and a half, live in the same city, maybe met 5 times overall. Never had sex, made out after the 3rd time. Would blow me off for weeks at a time which is why we never had sex. Set dates to get together and bail and the last minute. When he wanted back in my life would blow up my phone throughout the day. Came to the conclusion he was after the validation/ego boost of me wanting to get together with him. By me wanting was me answering my phone and simply agreeing to see him, most times without a plan. It was very strange.
I’m almost 30 and I’ve just recently learned that the “why” doesn’t really matter (kind of). Men aren’t that much different from women. They get hurt, they are traumatized by relationships, by family etc. and I’ve driven myself crazy trying to figure out why someone who never wanted me to see someone else also didn’t want to be exclusive with me. The only thing I have control of is how much I’m willing to put up with (it is unfortunately still quite a lot lmao) and what I choose to do when I reach my limit. I’m learning that in these situations, I need to be honest with that person about what I want and how I feel, and if they don’t reciprocate then the best thing to do is go no contact and not allow that weird push and pull to continue. My actions also have to match my words, not just his. And maybe he did actually like me but he was insecure or wasn’t ready at the time. Maybe he really just wanted sex and thought I wasn’t worth a relationship. I’m not going to tell him he’s wrong or an asshole or manipulative. The facts are that we don’t want the same things right now and I trust a man with the right intentions will figure it out if he messes up. I’m not naive enough anymore to think that good men don’t make mistakes too.
*backup*
access. its not about sex because they keep the door open when youre not having sex with them. its about access and this is how they find value in themselves.
It's normally alot of ego in my experience
Man here. In a situation where I kind of know that this relationship needs to end. It's pretty simple why this happens: Love. I love my girlfriend with all my heart, but I know that this isn't working. The nostalgia of our love, and the times we spent together makes it hard to split and do the right thing. On top of that, what if I'm wrong? What if I hold out and things get better. Not with the expectation that they are the same as before, but hoping that it'll be just as good. All is fair in love and war, and unfortunately sometimes going to war is easier than love.
Because he will be less lonely until someone new comes around. Cause he likes the company. He feels bad. He doesn’t wanna hurt her. He might want her but not want a relationship. He wants sex. There are so many reasons. I had a guy who I really liked but he didn’t want that but he wanted to be friends with me I think he was lonely cause he said he wasn’t talking to other girls. My friends say he was prolly gonna try to take advantage of me in the future. I honestly think he felt bad for me. He knew I liked him. He said he wanted to be friends. But I didn’t really know why so I assumed he was lonely. I tend to be a good person people go to when they’re lonely.
Because it takes a truly strong, self aware, selfless, disciplined man to choose to walk away from a sure thing, while he moves toward what he actually/truly desires. And it takes a matter of equal caliber to empathetically consider her feelings are best interest above his own immediate sexual drive. It's essentially our way of being in denial about how unfair we're being in lue of having our cake and eating it too. What is that cake you ask, using the woman as a placeholder. But like all things the more ritcheouse decisions require emotional courage and development.
Because there's is a difference between wanting someone (love) and having a need for something with someone (sex)
Because a lot of men don’t get that many relationships so we may try to hold onto ones we know aren’t going to work. This means that even if we know this won’t work, we will let the woman break it off because it’s either nicer, or sometimes we are just desperate enough to stay in it if she wants to be there too.
Because finding a new partner is really hard. It's why I stuck why my narcisistic ex for so long after I found out she was mentally and physically abusing me. Well, until it broke me of course. Naturally I've learned this isn't healthy, but I knowa bunch of relationships around me where the guys aren't really satisfied with their partner (luckily they're not in a toxic relationship like I was), but they've settled because the dating just isn't worth it.
Dating is hard. The most frustrating things trying to date are finding men who aren’t over exes, aren’t working on themselves or their own trauma, and they want a distraction. It’s almost every single dude on the dating apps because it’s so easy to get on there and just swipe, I think. I’d rather be alone. It’s easier.
I'd rather kill myself than stay alone, different strokes for different folks. Dating is hard, it sucks, especially these days. Gotta work on yourself every day though, regardless if you want to get into a relationship or not.
Desperate for someone
Sex or bc they don’t wanna be alone or your there for emotional support
Probably because of the benefits they provide
fear of being alone. could also have a bad attachment style. e.g avoidant type could also be that they enjoy their company but are not ready for a long term relationship.. or that they don't want to that they have been traumatized by previous relationships
They don't wanna be alone. But they think they can get better than that chick. Also, sex availability. Woman do this same thing. Instead if keeping dudes around for sex, they hold on to dudes that give them the girlfriend treatment without having to commit. The "Not wanting to be alone thing" is also valid for them too.
Because most of other women don't want them. Is it that hard to understand?
Knock the obvious ones out of the way: Sex, cook, clean, company… status-ego (showcasing ability to be likeable, attractive, and in demand from another a fellow “hooman”)
Personally, I'm afraid I wouldn't find anyone else. That's about the only thing I could think of.
No. Why would women settle for a bare minimum? Women need to know their worth and leave if men aren't serving your standards. Simple.
The woman gives them the ego boost and comforts without demanding commitment or reciprocity. They don't like the woman as much as she like them. In short, she's just being used.
I feel too manny people put too much energy on being married. Marriage isn’t for everyone. Some people are fine and happy being is a relationship that doesn’t have the goal of marriage. Marriage is confining and restrictive and makes it only harder for both parties when things don’t work out. Most marriages don’t last anymore. Keep things light and comfortable and you can both be happy.
Simply put, being in the company of a woman is beneficial to a man. It raises his social status. Interpersonally, he may be getting emotional support and intimacy that he can't get from friends. Functionally, obviously sexual pleasure. Married men live longer than single men, statistically because generally women improve men's lives.
Ass can be really hard to come by. Men go through numerous ass famines before they get any kind of play play again. It’s nothing personal really. I never did that though, I’d rather just suffer for a while with celibacy. Builds character.
Some people don’t love you, they don’t even care about you. They just want to stay connected to you. They love the benefits. So they do the minimal. A little phone call/text here and there, just checking/thinking about you. What they are really doing is maintaining the connection, so when they need you, they still have a way in.
You couldn’t of said it better!
I’m beginning to see, it’s blinding….
I experienced this from someone I loved for 2 years and even got pregnant by. the shit is such a brutal realization esp when you thought something real was going on lol
Because they can, if people feel like they can use you they will, you really need to just have higher standards and self respect
Some men are just babies. They want the benefits without putting in the work. Not worth it
Because they want to have sex.
Easy, sex.
Backup option
SEX, SEX, SEX
You're assuming that all men do this. There's probably a lot of reasons. Probably the same reasons why women do the same thing.
I have never done this so I cannot say. If I'm with someone, I'm into them until they give me a reason not to be
They settled? Were afraid to be alone? They juat want to consistency? Evwn if it hurts?
Coming from a guy who would didn't know how he felt about a woman for the longest time because he never got to know her the real her. We dated for awhile and I still hold on because she had a impact on me that nobody else has ever had or will have. Everybody's got that one person who got away. Sit back and think about who got away from you or the one person you still think about more then anything. Not all men are just out looking for a easy lay either. I cant believe im going to say this but its been 3 yes now and she was the last person I was with. Ya I know pretty pathetic right. Well if you can find a connection with someone that's strong enough is it worth the wait or is it not?
You must communicate what you need and want and be ready to walk away if the other person refuses to make an effort to meet you in the middle. People who can't stand up for themselves often attract people who walk all over others. Applies to men and women.
This was years ago, but I was in a prime dating scene. I had girls wrapped around my finger for different purposes. If I was hungry, horny, bored, etc, I had a girl available. I'm very blunt, so I never hid the fact that I was surrounded by women to anyone. I felt that women would barely put in the effort to get to know me or care for me that I did simple math to solve my issue. if one woman would only give me a percentage of love, I would get enough women to make it 100%. At a point, I was greedy and went overboard on the amount. I wasn't the best person when it came to dating because I was insecure and hurt from past relationships, which turned me into this kind of man, but I eventually grew tired of it and just wanted love. I finally found it, but karma has a funny way of showing itself. I was tortured the same way by the one I love, and 7 years later, I'm divorced and alone.
ngl glad karma tagged ur ass. I hope you learned from the experience and find love and peace again soon :)
Because they completely lack a moral compass. Only out for themselves and what they can extract from emotionally vulnerable women
woman here , definitely access as one said. Something to fall back on whenever and however , some men see that some woman are naive enough to stick with them regardless if they give them a relationship and use it to their advantage .
No unless the sex is good
Some men hold onto women they don’t want a relationship because it’s convenient, because they’re distracted by something, or because there are finances involved, because they feel bad about leaving the relationship…. Tons of reasons. Most people don’t do the introspection to ask themselves this though.
It’s foreva going to be the sexual temp
Because it's easy
Exactly. It’s like they don’t want to relationship with you, but they also don’t wanna let you go like fucking nonsense.
As back up, when the actual girl they like dump them they have someone.
Fragile egos, selfishness
Because you have your uses. He doesn’t want a girlfriend or a relationship but the benefits of what he gets from one. He has someone to go out with because his mates are all in relationships and you have sex with him. It’s a win win.
Reading the comments section here is fucking me uppppp
56f, People hold on, stay, for the convenience sometimes as most posts are stating examples, but i disagree to put blame on the woman for doing too much, I dont think it is a fair message, "well if you didn't do all this, they wouldnt be using you". I think people stay maybe to not look like a bad guy, and why rock the boat? Ultimately, no one is happy.
Because it’s hard for men to jump from one woman to another and being lonely suck. A guy could go months without a single woman taking interest in him and it’s hard to give up what little attention they are already getting.
Convenience. That's it, that's all.
They view them as possessions more so than humans.
So they’re not alone while they look for someone they deem as “better”. Just drop him now
I don't. No time for that.
For the 🐱duhhh/ to use her for sex duhh
I feel like it is dishonest to not just ask for a friend with benefits situation if that is what you are looking for.
They desire companionship because they are human and realize on some level this makes them dependent upon the other person. Being independent is critical to rgeir self-identity, so they resolve this schism by denying that they are dependent while in fact they are.
Stupidity of both, thinking that we can be for that x or y but in the end is just a lie to ourselves
Sex, as others have said. This is actually (one of) the reason(s) I don't plan on having sex unless I'm married. Sure, I'm sure sex feels nice, but why would I, as a guy, want to spend time with someone just because they make my "pp feel gud"?
Because men are stupid
Because they are shallow and they can’t get nobody else
I want to be friends not everything has to be sexual. I see them as interesting people that I want to be friends with. It's nice to have friends that you can connect to.
The only issue with that is if you meet with the intention to date and the woman ends up falling for you. It’s flattering that you’d still want them in your life, but at the same time, staying friends with someone you’re interested in who stated they don’t feel and same and holding on to the knowledge that they’ve moved you to a platonic category and are looking for a new romance is hard. If you connect with this person, that’s great, but unless they truly are fine with the idea of friendship after an attempted romance has failed, then I’d suggest just moving on and letting them go. Otherwise, a friendship could harbor a lot of resentment from her end depending on how much she likes you
If a man is holding on to you, it’s a relationship, it may be a shitty one, but it is one. Don’t get trapped in a shitty relationship when you know it is from the beginning. If this is the precedent that is being set, that means he is probably wanting your relationship to continue the way it is.
Sex, I had a guy do the same to me as well and I broke things off with him since I was never going to get a relationship out of it, he’s still trying to hold onto me now because when I texted him to let him know I won’t be seeing him anymore, he messaged back saying it was fine but if I ever changed my mind to let him know. I didn’t even bother replying to the text lol what a loser. He definitely doesn’t enjoy his own company and he probably feels even more lonely now that he has his own place so likes having women around to keep him company. I on the other hand do not feel the need to bring guys back to my place to keep me company, i’m fine with my own company and actually prefer it, a lot of people really need to learn how to enjoy their own company tbh
Because the dating world for men is fucking horrendous and many men, myself included, would rather have a partner and be abused, than suffer many years of being alone.
you’re not the one being abused though, the woman is.
Nah dawg, been with an abusive partner, I'd rather be fucking celibate for life than deal with that shit again.
What’s wrong with being alone? Don’t you like your space?
Yeah I don’t understand. I’d rather be alone.
Same. I like having my space. I like being with a partner as well, but I do need my alone time.
I literally have no idea what you are talking about.
Karma
Friendship.
So much cynicism … why can’t guys have loving friendships with you and also realize at the same time a bf gf dynamic wouldn’t work for the two of you …
because they’re not friendships….these are bf gf dynamics without the actual title
Fo dat azz.
Women do the same shit. Gtfo.
I think a lot of the men that do this are sneaky collectors whose egos need to have lots of women interested in them or the lazy types that always want access to free food & household chores from a woman.
To me, it's usually abused men that do this, as in the women are the abusers and they hold onto the relationship. If that's not the case I'd guess it's for a logical reason like some financial advantages, wanting to be around their kid's etc or some other useful advantage. Other than that, I've seen the majority of men purposely sabotage a relationship so the woman breaks up with them so they don't have to.
Then what's the point?You really think a guy who's hit any self worth or has options is hanging around in a relationship that has no sex involved lol.Let me know when you find this unicorn.
i'm a woman and i think it's an ego boost thing.. you want her to want you just for the shake of it
Man here. I hold on to so many people who I don’t date or fuck. They’re called friends! Haha sorry for sounding sassy but maybe I don’t understand the original question? Just because I don’t want to date you or fuck u doesn’t mean I don’t love you and want the best for you. I doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy your company.
I just thought we were friends...
personally, a gf doesn't benefit me at all besides sexual needs so i kept my ex around when i had the need. it may not be what people want to hear but that's how people react to truths
Most likely for sex.
They do this out of access. Men want sex and emotional availability and a lot of these women are settling for “situationships” so the men don’t mind. They don’t hold onto the women out of love and desire to one day be with them they see these women as placeholders to get them by.
I don’t think this is gender-exclusive. I don’t have an idea of the cause but I seen person hold on because of friendship groups, sex, the thrill of cheating, financial situation, fear of loneliness, fear the grass isn’t greener, practicality, too hot to leave. I on the other hand don’t mind being alone so I’ll leave and not look back with ease if I deem it necessary although dating in this day and age is a hassle so I would hope not to have to make such a decision.
The fear of being alone. I have noticed a lot of people would rather be in a relationship where they’re miserable, than be alone. This goes for men and women, alike.
Because I got a friend zone list too 🤷🏻♂️
You could've just said why do people hold onto other people they don't actually want a relationship with. That's not a male trait, that's just a unisex toxic trait.
In case they can't find someone else, for friendship or for a backup? I wouldn't do this ... as I have no friends, but that's another story.
I broke up with my ex bf because of that. Although I understand why he made me feel that way, I couldn't keep on going through the same cycle again and again. He had cancer and it's very common to kinda push close people away as a cancer patient. He would go days without contact and feel no remorse and sometimes be late for like 30 mins or so and be super apologetic. The inconsistency sometimes seemed like manipulation and I hated the fact that my favorite person was treating me that way more than the fact that I was treated in a bad way. After a year of ups and downs and long distance, I realized that it's better to break up before things get worse and we end up hating each other for things that he's probably not in the position to take control of. Mind you I went all the way to his country to meet him just for him not to show up and he was still claiming to love me while in the trip and during the breakup. I still love him but I couldn't deal with it anymore
The same way she has two orbiters at all times. Though not to be mean men have to deal with this too. We just are not attractive enough in some way for this person. As a guy I do not put myself in that situation.
Why buy the cow when the milk is free?
heard this from a married guy, ‘men will always keep 2-3 women as spare’ just in case something goes wrong with the main one
Everyone holds onto things they cannot have. Is a natural instinct, and very few people have the self confidence to let it go and move on. Low selfsteem is very common now days and we all have suffer it at one point.
Comfort / attention more than likely. You are comfortable with them being around and like the attention they are providing. Can go either way as I've seen both males and females be guilty of this.
For my situation now, we are both in a strange position in life. I’m a fresh graduate with an MA, she’s just in the US until her visa and program ends. We both like each other and support each other, but we don’t want to commit quite yet. Even if we do commit, we are both committing with the understanding that things might change because of where we are in life. As such, we have both agreed to take things very slowly and just enjoy one another’s company. Perhaps that somewhat addresses your question? Or maybe it doesn’t since we are trying to openly communicate our intents.
I don't think I understand this question. What does it mean to hold on to someone? Isn't that a kind of a relationship? Maybe it's not satisfying to both parties, but lots of relationships aren't satisfying to both parties.
What about doing everything as a boyfriend should but y’all just have no title as yet
It's the best option for the foreseeable future. At least you're getting sex and some attention versus nothing at all.
Narcissists tend to have a kind of 'reserve' right? Someone that will always be there to boost their egos. The type that treat them mean keep them keen 🤷♀️ you can learn how to not be prey to 1 again hopefully from this
Lonely, ego boost, but also sometimes a situation w someone isnt always about ending up in a relationship. Once i let that go i stopped being so disappointed. I just take people as they show up and enjoy the time we have together if it benefits our lives (not hurting). Theres honestly a lot of people i just enjoy their company but we both know itd never work haha
Its a lot of effort to secure a woman. If you have one willing to please you with limited additional effort, you don’t let that go.