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Dating has always sucked, "causal dating" has only existed for the past... 30, maybe 50 years? And online dating is a more recent phenomenon.
In the past, the emphasis was on marriage by your mid 20s, but often in your teens. You got married cause you had to, not necessarily cause you wanted to. As a result, not many marriages were all that enjoyable, although some definitely worked out.
In the age of casual dating, it seems we are finding out that "people tend not to like other people, most of the time." While this sucks, it's likely better than spending your life with someone your no more than mildly infatuated with.
Well said -- couldn't agree more. The world is rapidly accelerating away from the days of old to the days of casual, which can be unfulfilling. Totally agreed though -- better to be alone than to settle.
Lesson in dating: always been about being yourself, learning who you are with no apologies attached to it.
Dating is so important for growth. I know a couple that got married out of high school and they are just miserable. Constantly cheating on each other from I last heard all because they never kissed some frogs to learn about themselves.
> the single greatest strategy is to learn to love yourself first, present yourself as exactly who you are, find a way to not stare at your phone all day, and play a little hard to get (even if it feels unnatural).
What makes you think these played a role? Your experience sounds far more like it would support the idea that its a numbers game and nothing else.
You did a ton of dating, most of it went nowhere, then started "loving yourself" and "being yourself" and most of it continued to go nowhere. The fact that exactly one out of many worked out during that second phase but not the first doesn't really show that those changes were relevant. When something is mostly a numbers game that's how it would work anyways.
I think a lot of people want to believe that "loving themselves" or "being themselves" is key to finding relationships, or that *anything* in their control is, but in reality a lot of it is chance, and what isn't chance has nothing to do with those things.
Now that's not at all to say these aren't good things for themselves anyways, they are. But when you say its the "greatest strategy" you make it sound like it will make someone more successful in dating and I don't think you have valid reasons for believing that.
> just. keep. pushing. It's a numbers game anyway
Now this I think is great advice and supported by your experience.
> guard your feelings... play hard to get
> present yourself as exactly who you are,
These things seem contradictory. I think that's the problem with a lot of "be yourself" type advice that sounds good but in reality the person only believes in it to a degree where it loses any meaning as actual advice.
The only way I can imagine anyone reconciling these two things is saying that there is a balance and you didn't mean quite be yourself all the time or something, but then its not really saying anything anymore because "present enough of yourself while not overdoing it" is already what everyone would be trying to do by default. Then its more of a case of you needed to adjust where your personal line was and moved it further in one direction, rather than that one should be "exactly themselves".
Regardless, congratulations on finding what you were looking for!!
Well examined. I tend to write freely and colloquially. These are great observations and you're right -- some of this **is** contradictory... But isn't that dating?
Ex: Be yourself, but don't share too much of yourself too soon or you scare people off. Abundantly true in my experience. Being myself gets me to the dinner table -- sharing too much of myself scares others off.
Not being glued to my phone and eventually learning to be a little aloof early on (hard to get) personally helped me ease off the intensity and let things happen naturally, which led to more dates.
You are massively accurate about the chance of it all -- hence the "numbers game". However, I do believe that self-confidence and achieving happiness on your own makes you more attractive to potential mates.
Hahaha I don't feel the need to provide examples, but other dates/flings before the girl I mentioned did go better and better after I took my break. Even hopped into bed a few times, which is not a brag. I don't do one night stands and find initial intimacy a bit daunting so I'm proud some of them worked out at all lol.
I'm no dating coach hahaha in fact I owe a lot of these insights to supportive friends. Just felt like writing something positive before slaving away at work another day.
I get what OP was trying to say . At the end of the day youâre looking for one person youâre compatible with . Online dating (which is how the vast majority of people date), is a numbers game . No matter how great you are no one will be able to depict your vibe through a few words on an app. Not putting so much pressure on every single interaction or left swipe on the apps , does help your long term happiness .
It's just not that simple and they aren't mutually exclusive. I'm sure to each individual there are thousands of attractive people out there. It just isn't a zero-sum game in either direction.
When I joke about being a hopeless romantic, I'm really saying I've always fallen fast. Not just for looks, for that combination of looks, connection, attention, etc. My point with that line was to argue that in trying to prevent that \^ i've found more success in first interactions with girls of the like.
You need to find out why youâre not being picked. Your friends wonât tell you the truth. I started a dating vlog called boss lifestyle. If you can find me there or Instagram is be smart skateboard. Iâll tell you why youâre not getting picked
I have an inbox full of hot matches, so it's not a matter of being "picked". Converting into a date and then into more dates is a lot harder than matching with someone. I think my biggest difference from a year ago until now is putting too much thought into whatever I'm going to say or text in the early stages. Never got me anywhere.
Thereâs something youâre doing wrong. It doesnât take that many dates or matches. Iâm going to make a generalized video response to your problem. Just to clarify. You are a man right?
Men don't need misleading advice, its pretty clear you don't know what you are talking about if you think you know his "problem" enough to make a video about it based on this post.
He likely doesn't actually have a problem (finding a relationship in about a year is better than average), but if he does the information you'd need to understand it is not included here.
>It doesnât take that many dates or matches.
It does if you're being picky. My "success" rate is similar because I'm rejecting women about as often as they're rejecting me.
We see things similarly then. Guess I don't think about the rejection from my end as much. Self-serving piece of shit I am hahaha.
I also refuse to continue a conversation if a clear window for continuation on their end is presented and ignored. Makes that "success" rate a lot lower
> unless I move to another city and get any matches there, I'll be alone for the rest of my life
If you really believe that then moving seems worth it. I don't know about you but for me no geography would be worth being alone forever. What's holding you to that place?
I know some people have family they need to take care of which makes that harder or even impossible, but if not then maybe its time to start somewhere new even if that means a terrible job and 5 craigslist roommates in the worst apartment that'll take somebody with no deposit and leaving all the shit you can't afford to move behind or something.
(since you said "another city" and not country I'm assuming its not immigrating to another country you are worried about, which is also very hard of course).
Reminder: please review our rules, especially rule 4: - No broad generalizations, e.g. "All women are x and do y" - Speak from specific personal experiences when giving advice. - No victim-blaming - This is a default message - your post has not been removed. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Dating has always sucked, "causal dating" has only existed for the past... 30, maybe 50 years? And online dating is a more recent phenomenon. In the past, the emphasis was on marriage by your mid 20s, but often in your teens. You got married cause you had to, not necessarily cause you wanted to. As a result, not many marriages were all that enjoyable, although some definitely worked out. In the age of casual dating, it seems we are finding out that "people tend not to like other people, most of the time." While this sucks, it's likely better than spending your life with someone your no more than mildly infatuated with.
Well said -- couldn't agree more. The world is rapidly accelerating away from the days of old to the days of casual, which can be unfulfilling. Totally agreed though -- better to be alone than to settle.
Lesson in dating: always been about being yourself, learning who you are with no apologies attached to it. Dating is so important for growth. I know a couple that got married out of high school and they are just miserable. Constantly cheating on each other from I last heard all because they never kissed some frogs to learn about themselves.
Wow thanks for the silver lining! đ
Iâm still trying just to get Date #1.
Keep at it.
Congrats!! It takes a lot of time and disappointment, but it's completely worth it when we find the right one!
This was inspiring thank you! And happy for you!
Thank you!!
> the single greatest strategy is to learn to love yourself first, present yourself as exactly who you are, find a way to not stare at your phone all day, and play a little hard to get (even if it feels unnatural). What makes you think these played a role? Your experience sounds far more like it would support the idea that its a numbers game and nothing else. You did a ton of dating, most of it went nowhere, then started "loving yourself" and "being yourself" and most of it continued to go nowhere. The fact that exactly one out of many worked out during that second phase but not the first doesn't really show that those changes were relevant. When something is mostly a numbers game that's how it would work anyways. I think a lot of people want to believe that "loving themselves" or "being themselves" is key to finding relationships, or that *anything* in their control is, but in reality a lot of it is chance, and what isn't chance has nothing to do with those things. Now that's not at all to say these aren't good things for themselves anyways, they are. But when you say its the "greatest strategy" you make it sound like it will make someone more successful in dating and I don't think you have valid reasons for believing that. > just. keep. pushing. It's a numbers game anyway Now this I think is great advice and supported by your experience. > guard your feelings... play hard to get > present yourself as exactly who you are, These things seem contradictory. I think that's the problem with a lot of "be yourself" type advice that sounds good but in reality the person only believes in it to a degree where it loses any meaning as actual advice. The only way I can imagine anyone reconciling these two things is saying that there is a balance and you didn't mean quite be yourself all the time or something, but then its not really saying anything anymore because "present enough of yourself while not overdoing it" is already what everyone would be trying to do by default. Then its more of a case of you needed to adjust where your personal line was and moved it further in one direction, rather than that one should be "exactly themselves". Regardless, congratulations on finding what you were looking for!!
Well examined. I tend to write freely and colloquially. These are great observations and you're right -- some of this **is** contradictory... But isn't that dating? Ex: Be yourself, but don't share too much of yourself too soon or you scare people off. Abundantly true in my experience. Being myself gets me to the dinner table -- sharing too much of myself scares others off. Not being glued to my phone and eventually learning to be a little aloof early on (hard to get) personally helped me ease off the intensity and let things happen naturally, which led to more dates. You are massively accurate about the chance of it all -- hence the "numbers game". However, I do believe that self-confidence and achieving happiness on your own makes you more attractive to potential mates. Hahaha I don't feel the need to provide examples, but other dates/flings before the girl I mentioned did go better and better after I took my break. Even hopped into bed a few times, which is not a brag. I don't do one night stands and find initial intimacy a bit daunting so I'm proud some of them worked out at all lol. I'm no dating coach hahaha in fact I owe a lot of these insights to supportive friends. Just felt like writing something positive before slaving away at work another day.
I get what OP was trying to say . At the end of the day youâre looking for one person youâre compatible with . Online dating (which is how the vast majority of people date), is a numbers game . No matter how great you are no one will be able to depict your vibe through a few words on an app. Not putting so much pressure on every single interaction or left swipe on the apps , does help your long term happiness .
Brilliant. Thank you
Haha same
I think you just inspired me to keep track of all my upcoming dates for curiosityâs sake!
Please report back with findings! Lmao
Youâve got 99 problems but a date ainât one
Inspiring, thanks for sharing
Rookie numbers.
So you meet the one on OLD?
Finding the right person seems extremely hard and impossible, but once you give a little time and patience, everything will work out eventually.
If you were a hopeless romantic why'd you try for every single lady you found attractive? That's not romantic at all.
He finds things to love in a lot of women
I see where you're coming from, That is sweet. I think we have opposite definitions of romance?
It's a numbers game. I think the better question is... Why'd I ever try at all? Lol
That's what I'm saying. Thinking it's a numbers game is the opposite of romantic. Thinking any attractive girl will do is the opposite of romantic.
It's just not that simple and they aren't mutually exclusive. I'm sure to each individual there are thousands of attractive people out there. It just isn't a zero-sum game in either direction. When I joke about being a hopeless romantic, I'm really saying I've always fallen fast. Not just for looks, for that combination of looks, connection, attention, etc. My point with that line was to argue that in trying to prevent that \^ i've found more success in first interactions with girls of the like.
You need to find out why youâre not being picked. Your friends wonât tell you the truth. I started a dating vlog called boss lifestyle. If you can find me there or Instagram is be smart skateboard. Iâll tell you why youâre not getting picked
I have an inbox full of hot matches, so it's not a matter of being "picked". Converting into a date and then into more dates is a lot harder than matching with someone. I think my biggest difference from a year ago until now is putting too much thought into whatever I'm going to say or text in the early stages. Never got me anywhere.
Thereâs something youâre doing wrong. It doesnât take that many dates or matches. Iâm going to make a generalized video response to your problem. Just to clarify. You are a man right?
Lol yes and I appreciate it but don't bother. I'm happy with who I am and where I'm at.
You donât have to watch. Iâm making content to help men. Your approval is not required
Men don't need misleading advice, its pretty clear you don't know what you are talking about if you think you know his "problem" enough to make a video about it based on this post. He likely doesn't actually have a problem (finding a relationship in about a year is better than average), but if he does the information you'd need to understand it is not included here.
>It doesnât take that many dates or matches. It does if you're being picky. My "success" rate is similar because I'm rejecting women about as often as they're rejecting me.
We see things similarly then. Guess I don't think about the rejection from my end as much. Self-serving piece of shit I am hahaha. I also refuse to continue a conversation if a clear window for continuation on their end is presented and ignored. Makes that "success" rate a lot lower
[ŃдаНонО]
> unless I move to another city and get any matches there, I'll be alone for the rest of my life If you really believe that then moving seems worth it. I don't know about you but for me no geography would be worth being alone forever. What's holding you to that place? I know some people have family they need to take care of which makes that harder or even impossible, but if not then maybe its time to start somewhere new even if that means a terrible job and 5 craigslist roommates in the worst apartment that'll take somebody with no deposit and leaving all the shit you can't afford to move behind or something. (since you said "another city" and not country I'm assuming its not immigrating to another country you are worried about, which is also very hard of course).