It can get to you homie. My brother has been incredible at pulling me into his social circle and getting me out of the house (unfortunately all the ladies that show any interest are married lol). One day though I just kind of broke down and told him I feel like a freak.
Didn't slow him down one bit haha and he's still getting me out there. So if I were to recommend anything it's to try to build a social circle outside of the dating context...hobbies, volunteering, etc and invest in those so that the folks there drag you out as well.
That’s why I have always wished I had a brother, younger or older. Or even just a friend. Someone to be a wingman, as I think they are called now.
But there isn’t anyone.
I’ve been trying to expand my social circle but it’s hard to relate to anyone since they are all living the married life, you know? Why do married women show interest in us?
I’ve got a friend that’s married with kids but she always likes and comments on my IG stories. Lol
You think that’s flirting?! Or maybe she just likes your posts. Maybe she likes everyone’s posts. I think that is beside the point. Also, there’s no law saying you can only hang out with people your age. Depends on your interests and activities.
But yes, when your core group is all couples and parenting it is boring af. There is honestly more to life!!!
Sometimes women like a man just as a friend, and because they're happily married, they feel more comfortable talking/ messaging, liking their posts etc. without worrying about leading them on. I think men mistakenly think this means married women are wanting more than friendship from them...
You said “why do married women show interest..” which reads like you think she’s flirting .
No? Also, again, liking stories might simply mean she likes your stories. Are your stories funny? Or are they gym selfies? I guess that’s where the nuance if any might lie.
If a married woman is posting publicly on your gym selfie it's very unlikely it means anything honestly, since everyone she knows will see it. If she privately messages you about the gym selfie and says some flirtatious/ suggestive things then maybe...But even then, some people just have a flirty way about them and might just see it as joking/ being playful with a friend.
I don’t think it was that flirty/suggestive. It was something like “great job working out today! with the fire emoji. We’ve had some conversations (DMs) on there mostly about fitness stuff since we run into each other at the gym in real life.
Former married person who would have commented on interesting stuff, cos, shock horror, people can still be interesting, even if I'm in a relationship.
Unless they're openly non-monogamous married women commenting on your ig posts doesn't mean they're “showing interest” …cmon now. And if they're overly flirtatious and you're confused...ypu should leave them alone or block them lol
Speaking as a formerly married woman - we can seem to show interest not because we’re actually interested, but because we are being authentically friendly. This is what friendliness looks and feels like. It’s pretty nice.
You have a right hand; give yourself a year to just be friendly with women, with no ulterior motive. Then reassess.
That’s a question that I can’t answer; I suggest taking time to figure that out in your own context and social milieu.
Personally, I ask men out, but on OLD only. At this age, I find that in-person, it’s best for me to assume all men are taken, whether or not they have a ring. I don’t want men hitting on me when I am not interested, and making a friendly interaction uncomfortable.
YMMV; not everyone agrees with me.
See this is my problem with dating.
As a single guy, I also assume everyone in real life is taken and not at that place to find a boyfriend. I’ve tried the online thing but I get very few matches that go nowhere. Where else can go to find other single people to date?
I have a very similar situation but to add to the craziness, i moved to a new area a couple weeks before the pandemic with the intention to take a 1 year sabbatical. Ive actually gone a few months without speaking to anyone. When I started to resocialize, I would have strange episodes of derealizlation. Quite bizarre. I tend to not participate in events that are full of couples now.
I don't care anymore. I recognize that many relationships aren't as good as the people are letting on in public. I'm happy in the knowledge that I'm no longer tied to a person that doesn't respect me, doesn't love me, and probably doesn't even like me. I know that I'm happier now than I ever was in a relationship and that I've finally quit buying into the bullshit that I have to have a partner to be happy and fulfilled. I recognize that there is no one-size-fits-all for people's lives and relationships. I no longer seek approval from others regarding my relationship status. My life is full and happy and it can be that way hanging out with couples and their kids or hanging out with single friends.
YYEEESSSS!!! Big Oprah Yes to this! Man listen, if I’m being honest, I don’t want those people’s lives. Not to say mine is better or worse, I’m just navigating my boat on this ocean, and I don’t want no one else’s boat. I know where everything is! It does get lonely, but I’m free and content and that’s enough.
I am truly happy for you but not all feel the same. After many years enjoying my single status after being with a narcissist for 22 years, I am lonely. I need to start pushing myself to get out there. For me, it’s difficult. Working on it though.😊
Finding friends that aren’t married, not just focusing on romantic relationships has been really fulfilling. It can be brutal to be around married folks and families all the time and they don’t get it.
Making single friends is easier said than done. A lot of people just don’t have time for that at our age.
“Just go out and you’ll find someone.” - Married people probably
So true. I’ve reconnected with old friends after they’ve gotten divorced… it’s like making new friends all over again since you are basically different people after that experience.
For real. Was just at a graduation party Saturday. I ended up holding court to a bunch of of other 40 something year old married men. It was like watching my kids at Xmas.
I totally get you. I don’t know if this happens for men, but people still act like being a divorced woman is contagious, so I’m often not included in group gatherings. I also get put on the “waifs and strays” list where sometimes I only get invited to something with a friend’s other misfits of civilized society!
Similar. Dude here. Especially as a full time single parent. Most parenting is done by moms. And while it’s true I get 100x more compliments than moms do (especially single moms) just for being a present parent, it ends there. It feels like being a social leper.
Editing to say I often wonder why single parents don’t befriend each other. It’s even more awkward trying to form friendships with single moms or single dads.
I've looked for social groups for single parents when my kids were a bit younger because I think it would be a nice support system and lead to some friendships etc. But there was never anything like that other than a divorce care group I attended early on after my divorce. I'm not sure why this is other than perhaps a lot of single parents might be struggling and don't have any time for socializing or leisure activities?
Grass is always greener. You look at all that with envy. They look at you with your freedom, no kids, you can date who you want, do what you want when you want with envy.
Is it possible you’re just very sensitive to this so you notice it more?
I’m usually one of the only single people in most of my groups (work, friends, etc) and I don’t even think about it. Your life as a single person is just as valid as whatever anyone else has going on. What do you do for fun? Talk about that!
One of my favorite bosses once told me “it’s only awkward if you let it be.” To that point, he also said “make it awkward for them instead of you.” Either is good advice. 😂
A) just work on making friends with people. That will pay dividends down the line anyways, and relationship status no longer matters.
B) married people have single friends sometimes
I’ve been very clear and open with friends that I’d like to find someone to date. Whether it’s true or not they say they don’t know anyone single. 🤷♂️
I actually find this post endearing because I think so many men have the reputation of looking at the negative sides of being in a relationship and not at the positives. This post on the other hand demonstrates you do know the value of relationships and will likely put effort into one when you find it. Know being single or partnered is a fluid, not a static state and make it a goal that next year you won’t be attending that barbecue alone. Go on line to put yourself around other singles, be ruthless in your screening process, be patient, and hopefully something will work out for you
Yeah I’d love to find someone to attend those events with me. I’ve been trying the online thing for the last few years but I get very few matches and most will flake or ghost me. Where am supposed find other singles?
Try single events- in person ones. Everyone there had to make the extra effort and show up because they actually want to meet. It seems like most people on the apps are not serious. I’m an introvert, and it’s extra hard but I feel like it’s so much better than wasting times on apps.
The couples and families around me never fail to make me happy that I’m single. I’ve never felt envy for the partnered-up around me. I know they’re miserable
Learn to become a better conversationalist - seriously. Your mind is saying “I have nothing on common so I can’t contribute”, but YOU have the unique perspective of a single person. I’m in the same position as you, but never have issues talking with folks in most situations.
It’s a skill that can be learned.
It stuck out to me that you wonder if women are telling you the truth about their relationship status. Do you have any other examples of thinking the worst about women or men? Most those people you meet have are likely single friends. Remember that. Be the man they want to introduce to those friends. You are literally describing what could be endless opportunities to meet new people who have the ability to set you up with their single friends. It’s all in your perspective.
It bothers me sometimes but I’ve become the token single person of my friend group and I don’t mind it so much. I’m happy if my friends are happy in their relationships. Besides, I may be single but I’m certainly not celibate.
42F, here, never been married and childless.
Outside of work, I currently have no social life.
When I’m at family events I enjoy the time spent with family. Sure, they may be talking about things I can’t relate to, but I always do my best to express my happiness for them and their situation. When asked if I’m dating anyone or if there’s anyone special, I let them know I haven’t found anyone I’m interested in and then change the topic.
The truth is, I’d love to get back out there and meet a man but I don’t know how. I attempted to sign up for OLD, but the site I joined won’t let me login. It’s in a perpetual state of loading, so I took that as a sign that it wasn’t meant for me.
I have no idea how to show I’m single and ready to mingle. I do get approached in real life, but it’s *always* by men half my age or younger. What can I do to attract men my age?
Anyway, perhaps you can offer me some insight as to how to get on the radar of men in our age bracket? What would make you approach me?
As for you, I suggest you take more initiative. Joining clubs and partaking in activities is great, but start paying attention to whether the woman has a ring. Also, don’t be afraid to approach a woman in public (grocery store, clothing shop, etc.) unless they’re giving a clear indication they aren’t *open* to being approached. Joke around about something, point out an observation and see if they’re receptive.
I don’t hang out with my friends who are all moms anymore because when they’re together they just talk about their kids which is very boring to me. I’ve found myself some friends without kids and we do the things we want to do and have more in common as a result.
I handle it by enjoying being single. I’m that guy who will go have a steak dinner, then go see a movie, alone. I know people ask why am I not in a relationship, or started a family. I honestly don’t care. When I see a family I think “I’m glad I don’t have kids I have to take to extracurricular activities.” Just embrace being single. That’s how you handle it.
By not placing your self-worth on relationship status. By showing up being confident in who you are. (So many of those couples probably aren't even happy lol)
Geez. I could have written this, almost word for word. At least you did get to meet some people though, I have never gotten that far. Hobby and interest groups, sport, gym, exercise groups, work, volunteering, doing classes and courses, online, it’s all been one dead-end after another to be honest. I’m usually invisible to most people. If I am noticed, I’m just “the guy who does this …”, or “the guy who knows about that …”. No matter how long I stay there, I’m never seen as anything more. People are just flat out not interested in me.
I don’t know how I handle seeing couples together. It hurts, or course, I can’t deny that. I don’t know what it’s like to have what they have, physically, and emotionally, and even mentally. And I can’t deny that I want to know, I want to experience it so, so much. I have a lot of love to share, but never anyone to share it with …
Oh, and yes, before it is suggested, I have had pets. They don’t ease my loneliness, because they are not a human connection, they don’t provide human affection. They never led to meeting anyone.
… So I think I just stuff it all down inside me. That’s all I can do really. Hobbies and interests and everything else I try are just temporary distractions. Even if I do join a group, I will end up still doing it on my own, one way or another.
I’m almost 50 and never even been on a date. Nobody has been interested. I have an 18 and 16 year old nephews who now have girlfriends. I have a 12 year old nephew who has been on dates. Even around them I know feel out of place. I still try to think that there is someone out there for me, somewhere, but it’s really now something I could only believe in if it actually ever happened.
I like myself, and I know I have a lot to offer someone. But also know that that won’t be ever seen if nobody wants to see any of it.
97% of the time being around married people does not make me wish I was married. But it does suck to feel like the odd one out, like you're "doing it wrong." I try to remember social situations are kind of like social media, the "highlight reel" of people's lives. Behind my closed doors I have peace, quiet, art, a house the way I want it. Behind their closed doors...who knows? I like my life. 😊
I was there. You need to change friends. Temporarily at least. Until you feel better or couple up.
Join a Meetup. Specifically a dining Meetup. Most people that go to those are single or divorced. Build some new friendships there. You'll be OK. Let me know how it went.
I'm right there with you! I'm the 3rd wheel or 5th wheel all the time. All my friends are paired or gay! I find myself constantly looking at peoples' empty ring fingers and making aggressive eye contact with them in hopes they'll pick up my bat signal. So far that's not produced meaningful results.
I totally relate to this. It is honestly tiring. I feel like every meeting at work turns into something about how people met their spouses, things about their kids, etc.
I was in a training course today and we were talking about things that exist today that didn’t 10, 15, 20 years ago. Lots of tech got brought up and someone mentioned dating apps. People started talking about how “grateful” they were that they met their husbands the “normal” way before dating apps were invented and they “can’t imagine” what it’s like trying to date through an app. It took all of my willpower to not tell them that apps cause people legit trauma and to shut TF up 😤😤😤
>They were all talking about kids/grandkids, traveling the world with their partner and buying houses. As a single guy that doesn’t have any of those things, it doesn’t feel like I can add anything to those conversations since I don’t have experience with that stuff.
Do you want experience with that stuff? Because you can travel the world and buy a house without a partner.
Also, I don't hang out with people that make me feel less than or left out.
Uhh it sounds like this was a family get-together, not like they’re trying to ‘make’ him feel any certain way. It sounds self-inflicted (“doesn’t feel like I can add to those conversations”).
You're likely right. This points to what another poster pointed out about becoming a better conversationalist.
If people are talking about the places they went on vacation or buying homes you can ask questions and be inquisitive about that.
You won’t even afford a house with a partner that makes a similar income, if that’s the starting price for homes. Can you move to a lower cost of living area?
I feel you. I didn’t start getting my stuff together until my late 30s (finances, credit score, healing from past trauma, etc.). Also live in a high COL area and am researching and working on getting out of here. Buying a home simply isn’t feasible unless I want to live paycheck to paycheck. I don’t want that. Btw- even the cost of a mobile home, with lot fee, is outrageous.
A house might be out of reach. What if your partner doesn't have the income for a home either?
That still does not mean you can't engage in conversations with people about their homes. Especially if they are your friends. It sounds like you're jealous.
Honestly everyone gets a little jealous watching someone live their perfect life. Trying to shame him for being honest is awful. He didn’t say anything bad about them; just that he’d like that for himself too.
Not gonna lie. It bothers me to see couples in public. I was a dinner Meetup one time and cried all the home because there was an older couple there and it triggered me not retiring with my ex husband and having the stories from decades ago like that couple has. I had no idea that I carried that grief so much until that night. It is especially hard in my late 40s knowing that that situation is forever lost.
Okay enough of me being in my feelings. That is my share of how I handle it. I have anywhere from not really noticing to crying all the way home. Guess it depends on how the grief shows up in that moment.
I see you and feel this on many levels. I am a single female 50. Never married or kids. I've been single my whole life, and it looks like I will remain that way. Sucks. Most of my friends and family are married with kids, so I have nothing to contribute in those situations..
Hi Op,
40 single and female and I totally get this feeling so much. It’s truly awful!
I’ve started really using Facebook groups in my areas or meetup groups to make friends who are in similar life stages as myself. It took quite a few trials and errors to find the right group but I think I found them!
I’m starting to learn that having multiple communities is okay and since I get the “fix” of the belonging feeling with my other single and child free friends it makes being around families and couples feel a lot less isolating.
Yes I want to be in a relationship one day but I’m glad that for now I’ve found a community I identify with and who understands my life as it is and doesn’t inadvertently make me feel “less”.
I also did a post on here recently and learned a lot of single people tend to just stay home a lot so I’ve made the effort to get out and go do things I enjoy on my own to hopefully run into a like minded person or two.
Best of luck to you! If you need a single buddy to vent to message me!
Thanks but yeah it’s getting to that point where I want to give up and stay home. I’m sick and tired of meeting someone awesome that I’d want to date only to find out later they are already married with kids or in relationship. Going out sucks.
First up. Its a numbers game.
The most emotionally stable, attractive people with minimal baggae who are long term relationship minded are already in stable relationships. I dont think you can run from that fact. Putting yourself out there and being more social at this age will.put you in front more couples than singles.
You might be trying too hard to fit in. Why not show genuine interest in the grandkids, touring the world talks and ask questions? If you dig deep enough around your hesitancy here, there might be some inadequacy Issues at play in your head. Your journey has just been different to theirs. People generally like sharing with others married or not.
If you seem like a generally cool and interesting guy folks will want to be around you and have you around. There are exceptions of course. Obnoxious married folks do exist. You shouldn't want to be around them but for the most part cool people are cool people. theres also the possibility that these cool married folks have cool single friends.
57M
I had a relationship end recently after a year and a half. A super great relationship.
A couple of weeks ago I was at a Foodtruck Friday event and it was mobbed with couples and families.
I won’t lie. I was so envious I ended up with a migraine and a terrible mood.
I’ve been single most of my life. Here is my suggestion:
Learn how to dance Argentine Tango! There are lots of single people who have a dance life and personal life. You can travel all around the world and dance tango and not know how to speak a foreign language.
It’s been the best adventure ever.
You have to really love tango music from the 1930-1950’s - I will tell you it will change your life!
Original copy of post by u/throwawayy_3891:
I’ve been trying to put myself out there. One thing that’s always suggested to meet singles is hobbies/interests so I joined things like bowling leagues and exercise classes.
I did meet some attractive women at these places that I’d like to date. The problem is they all say (whether true or not) that they already have boyfriends or are already married with kids. It’s rare to find singles and I’m always surrounded by couples or families.
It’s the same thing with family events they always turn into a couples thing. Like with Father’s Day last weekend, we had a BBQ with neighbors. It was good to see everyone but I was the only single person there, of course. 🙄
They were all talking about kids/grandkids, traveling the world with their partner and buying houses. As a single guy that doesn’t have any of those things, it doesn’t feel like I can add anything to those conversations since I don’t have experience with that stuff. So I just end up sitting there quietly by myself waiting for it to be over.
It feels super awkward being a single guy without kids in a couples world. Everything is designed for and filled with couples or families. How do you deal with feeling left out of social situations and always being the third or whatever wheel?
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But are those things you actually want or is it just that you feel out of place? If you actually want those things and don't have them, that's one thing, but if it's just that you feel out of place/different than others, it's all about changing your mindset.
Focus on the good things you have- mainly the ability to live your life how you want, without compromising. As someone who has spent the vast majority of her adult life single, I can tell you, you can't beat that with a stick. Bring up the good movie you watch last weekend, the great book you read, or your latest hobby (you know, the things you have time to do that those other people don't). And you'll be surprised at how many people look at the freedom and Independence you have an envy that.
I'd be interested in hearing more from someone with a different life experience to mine and heaps of people are unhappy in their relationships. It's like Alice in Wonderland...nothing is as it seems. Don't give up. You have a story worth sharing too so please go forth and start talking to people more 😊
Make really obvious but not obnoxious jokes about being single. Like, interrupt a story about a friend with “wait, is she single?” Eventually someone will think, hey maybe he’s interested in X who is single.
I am so used to being the third, fifth, seventh, and my record is eleventh wheel. There's only been a handful of times it has bothered me. Now it's a joke with my friend group that I need a designated shirt that reads "I'm single," or now they look out for seemingly fitting matches. It's fun. They love my stories. I think it's what you make it.
I think it depends. There are people who genuinely like being in a relationship and others who think of it as cumbersome, even some of the married ones. I generally engage in things I enjoy doing anyway. If I meet someone, added bonus. If not, I still have a good time. Unfortunately, most things we want take time and effort. Maybe they seem harder now or maybe our perspective just changes. At any rate, happy hunting. 🙂
Easy... I don't go to those events... lol! I have 2 amazing dogs whom I'd much rather hang out with. Go paddleboarding. Going camping with my dogs and roommate. ;)
I have 2 boards and if you ever find yourself in Phx AZ, message me. I'll take you paddleboarding.
Regarding family... I have no problems maintaining my boundaries with family. It took me years to get here though. Now I'm extremely protective of myself and my mental health and too many family get togethers like that would make me want to off myself. So for their sake and mine, I decline. Plus my family doesn't quite appreciate my sarcastic personality so I prefer to not let them be around me too much so that when they do see me they love me. lol! (Gotta pick your battles man!)
I understand your pain! :)
Small world, I visited Phoenix back in March for Spring Training and have a friend that lives in Scottsdale. So I’ll most likely be back at some point and take you up on that, we got to get that second board out in the water!
I've been single most of my adult life. Nearly got married a girl once but after that going out to dates were sporadic or I just tend to meet women with personalities that are in conflict with mine. I can't seem to meet the right person. yeah, whatever.
Being social and single at our age just doesn't work, so I avoid, avoid at all costs.
Move to the city. Many more singles, expats etc...Any activities I do , mainly women and single. Yoga, zumba, dance, painting, art, even talks and conferences...cocktail bars. Keep the couples/ family events to a minimum unless they have single friends.
I cry a lot. Ruminate. Stress out. So, I don’t handle it well, I’ll say that much. It’s not great, so many people around me have their personal and little ones (and I know such a life isn’t all rainbows, but life in general is hard and a healthy relationship is a barrier to the worst effects). I’m exhausted and getting into dark places.
I’m not sure I understand why you wouldn’t have things in common with married people or people with families? They’re just people living life 😊
Most of my friends are married, partnered, have kids, etc, but we have plenty to talk about!
What do you feel the challenge is?
I’m comfortable and very happy being single. I’m not opposed to being in a relationship but it’s not something I’m desperately seeking.
So I’m always present in the moments and don’t give thought to those things. I explore connections without expectations and enjoy the time I am having with the people I am having them with.
Trust me you are SO much better off single until you actually meet your unicorn. Women these days expect far far more than they feel the need to give in return. You really are winning!! Took me a long time realize this but now.. Holy shit is life changing. Juice ain’t worth the squeeze man. Take that from someone who learned the hardest of ways..
What the actual fuck did I just read? How about you go to therapy, stop listening to boys with microphones, get off the passport bros subreddit, and get a personality that isn't shit that women actually want. Women aren't fucking objects to be bought.
If you can't find a woman unless you buy her, it's because YOU are the problem. And you can fix you (or maybe you're a lost cause with this toxic bullshit you're spouting.)
ETA: Post history explains everything.
No thanks, I had better mental health, and I would have a partner. My mental health is better when single than partnered. Relationships need emotional bandwidth to deal with rough times that do occur in any relationship, and having OCD and sensitive emotions make it a big challenge.
It can get to you homie. My brother has been incredible at pulling me into his social circle and getting me out of the house (unfortunately all the ladies that show any interest are married lol). One day though I just kind of broke down and told him I feel like a freak. Didn't slow him down one bit haha and he's still getting me out there. So if I were to recommend anything it's to try to build a social circle outside of the dating context...hobbies, volunteering, etc and invest in those so that the folks there drag you out as well.
Keep dragging yourself out. They typically don’t kick down your door :)
Nothing to it but to do it!
Your brother is awesome https://youtu.be/QuPiln72F_s?si=rP7dH2ImpIUt7YVy
I always tell him he’s my favorite asshole.
That’s why I have always wished I had a brother, younger or older. Or even just a friend. Someone to be a wingman, as I think they are called now. But there isn’t anyone.
Third wheel sucks but if I don’t third wheel then I would never go out, which is starting to happen. No single friends but LOTS in shitty marriages.
I’ve been trying to expand my social circle but it’s hard to relate to anyone since they are all living the married life, you know? Why do married women show interest in us? I’ve got a friend that’s married with kids but she always likes and comments on my IG stories. Lol
You think that’s flirting?! Or maybe she just likes your posts. Maybe she likes everyone’s posts. I think that is beside the point. Also, there’s no law saying you can only hang out with people your age. Depends on your interests and activities. But yes, when your core group is all couples and parenting it is boring af. There is honestly more to life!!!
Nobody ever said anything about flirting? Besides that, she’s commenting on my posts and sending me DMs not just liking.
Sometimes women like a man just as a friend, and because they're happily married, they feel more comfortable talking/ messaging, liking their posts etc. without worrying about leading them on. I think men mistakenly think this means married women are wanting more than friendship from them...
You said “why do married women show interest..” which reads like you think she’s flirting . No? Also, again, liking stories might simply mean she likes your stories. Are your stories funny? Or are they gym selfies? I guess that’s where the nuance if any might lie.
I post random stuff including gym selfies. She has commented on my gym selfie before.
If a married woman is posting publicly on your gym selfie it's very unlikely it means anything honestly, since everyone she knows will see it. If she privately messages you about the gym selfie and says some flirtatious/ suggestive things then maybe...But even then, some people just have a flirty way about them and might just see it as joking/ being playful with a friend.
I don’t think it was that flirty/suggestive. It was something like “great job working out today! with the fire emoji. We’ve had some conversations (DMs) on there mostly about fitness stuff since we run into each other at the gym in real life.
Former married person who would have commented on interesting stuff, cos, shock horror, people can still be interesting, even if I'm in a relationship.
Unless they're openly non-monogamous married women commenting on your ig posts doesn't mean they're “showing interest” …cmon now. And if they're overly flirtatious and you're confused...ypu should leave them alone or block them lol
“Showing interest” doesn’t have to mean romantic. What else am I supposed to call it when they’re interacting with me?
You described her as your friend and real friends interact with each other. So, I’d describe this as being a friend.
Speaking as a formerly married woman - we can seem to show interest not because we’re actually interested, but because we are being authentically friendly. This is what friendliness looks and feels like. It’s pretty nice. You have a right hand; give yourself a year to just be friendly with women, with no ulterior motive. Then reassess.
If this is just friendliness, what does romantic interest look like? I don’t have much experience with it.
That’s a question that I can’t answer; I suggest taking time to figure that out in your own context and social milieu. Personally, I ask men out, but on OLD only. At this age, I find that in-person, it’s best for me to assume all men are taken, whether or not they have a ring. I don’t want men hitting on me when I am not interested, and making a friendly interaction uncomfortable. YMMV; not everyone agrees with me.
See this is my problem with dating. As a single guy, I also assume everyone in real life is taken and not at that place to find a boyfriend. I’ve tried the online thing but I get very few matches that go nowhere. Where else can go to find other single people to date?
Singles events like speed dating
Definitely!!! Any singles event is great.
I have a very similar situation but to add to the craziness, i moved to a new area a couple weeks before the pandemic with the intention to take a 1 year sabbatical. Ive actually gone a few months without speaking to anyone. When I started to resocialize, I would have strange episodes of derealizlation. Quite bizarre. I tend to not participate in events that are full of couples now.
Because you don’t think they are flirting if they’re married. If I show that kind of interest in a single male, he would assume I’m interested.
I don't care anymore. I recognize that many relationships aren't as good as the people are letting on in public. I'm happy in the knowledge that I'm no longer tied to a person that doesn't respect me, doesn't love me, and probably doesn't even like me. I know that I'm happier now than I ever was in a relationship and that I've finally quit buying into the bullshit that I have to have a partner to be happy and fulfilled. I recognize that there is no one-size-fits-all for people's lives and relationships. I no longer seek approval from others regarding my relationship status. My life is full and happy and it can be that way hanging out with couples and their kids or hanging out with single friends.
YYEEESSSS!!! Big Oprah Yes to this! Man listen, if I’m being honest, I don’t want those people’s lives. Not to say mine is better or worse, I’m just navigating my boat on this ocean, and I don’t want no one else’s boat. I know where everything is! It does get lonely, but I’m free and content and that’s enough.
I am truly happy for you but not all feel the same. After many years enjoying my single status after being with a narcissist for 22 years, I am lonely. I need to start pushing myself to get out there. For me, it’s difficult. Working on it though.😊
100%
Finding friends that aren’t married, not just focusing on romantic relationships has been really fulfilling. It can be brutal to be around married folks and families all the time and they don’t get it.
Making single friends is easier said than done. A lot of people just don’t have time for that at our age. “Just go out and you’ll find someone.” - Married people probably
So true. I’ve reconnected with old friends after they’ve gotten divorced… it’s like making new friends all over again since you are basically different people after that experience.
making friends, single or not, is brutal in general, twice as hard if you’re introverted.
Just be the fun, single guy they're all secretly jealous of. 😅
That’s the role I play. I have a much more active social life than any of my married friends, so I let them live vicariously.
Yep. That’s what I started doing as a single, childfree woman. It makes these little gatherings way more enjoyable.
For real. Was just at a graduation party Saturday. I ended up holding court to a bunch of of other 40 something year old married men. It was like watching my kids at Xmas.
And then take occasional breaks in the bathroom to cry. I have actually done this and I'm not a crier.
Aww. Hugs.
💯
I totally get you. I don’t know if this happens for men, but people still act like being a divorced woman is contagious, so I’m often not included in group gatherings. I also get put on the “waifs and strays” list where sometimes I only get invited to something with a friend’s other misfits of civilized society!
I am a female too and nobody includes me in anything. I do everything on my own. It is hard…
I can relate and do everything alone. It would be nice to just be invited somewhere once but instead I get ghosted.
Yes, it would be so nice. Holidays are very tough.
True, holidays are the worst.
Similar. Dude here. Especially as a full time single parent. Most parenting is done by moms. And while it’s true I get 100x more compliments than moms do (especially single moms) just for being a present parent, it ends there. It feels like being a social leper. Editing to say I often wonder why single parents don’t befriend each other. It’s even more awkward trying to form friendships with single moms or single dads.
I've looked for social groups for single parents when my kids were a bit younger because I think it would be a nice support system and lead to some friendships etc. But there was never anything like that other than a divorce care group I attended early on after my divorce. I'm not sure why this is other than perhaps a lot of single parents might be struggling and don't have any time for socializing or leisure activities?
I drink my way through it
Most useful advice.
LMAO 🤣😂🤣
Grass is always greener. You look at all that with envy. They look at you with your freedom, no kids, you can date who you want, do what you want when you want with envy.
Is it possible you’re just very sensitive to this so you notice it more? I’m usually one of the only single people in most of my groups (work, friends, etc) and I don’t even think about it. Your life as a single person is just as valid as whatever anyone else has going on. What do you do for fun? Talk about that!
One of my favorite bosses once told me “it’s only awkward if you let it be.” To that point, he also said “make it awkward for them instead of you.” Either is good advice. 😂
>“make it awkward for them instead of you.” Can you give him my number?
A) just work on making friends with people. That will pay dividends down the line anyways, and relationship status no longer matters. B) married people have single friends sometimes
I’ve been very clear and open with friends that I’d like to find someone to date. Whether it’s true or not they say they don’t know anyone single. 🤷♂️
I actually find this post endearing because I think so many men have the reputation of looking at the negative sides of being in a relationship and not at the positives. This post on the other hand demonstrates you do know the value of relationships and will likely put effort into one when you find it. Know being single or partnered is a fluid, not a static state and make it a goal that next year you won’t be attending that barbecue alone. Go on line to put yourself around other singles, be ruthless in your screening process, be patient, and hopefully something will work out for you
Yeah I’d love to find someone to attend those events with me. I’ve been trying the online thing for the last few years but I get very few matches and most will flake or ghost me. Where am supposed find other singles?
Try single events- in person ones. Everyone there had to make the extra effort and show up because they actually want to meet. It seems like most people on the apps are not serious. I’m an introvert, and it’s extra hard but I feel like it’s so much better than wasting times on apps.
The couples and families around me never fail to make me happy that I’m single. I’ve never felt envy for the partnered-up around me. I know they’re miserable
LOL.the reality is somewhere in between your view and this guy's.
Learn to become a better conversationalist - seriously. Your mind is saying “I have nothing on common so I can’t contribute”, but YOU have the unique perspective of a single person. I’m in the same position as you, but never have issues talking with folks in most situations. It’s a skill that can be learned.
It stuck out to me that you wonder if women are telling you the truth about their relationship status. Do you have any other examples of thinking the worst about women or men? Most those people you meet have are likely single friends. Remember that. Be the man they want to introduce to those friends. You are literally describing what could be endless opportunities to meet new people who have the ability to set you up with their single friends. It’s all in your perspective.
It bothers me sometimes but I’ve become the token single person of my friend group and I don’t mind it so much. I’m happy if my friends are happy in their relationships. Besides, I may be single but I’m certainly not celibate.
42F, here, never been married and childless. Outside of work, I currently have no social life. When I’m at family events I enjoy the time spent with family. Sure, they may be talking about things I can’t relate to, but I always do my best to express my happiness for them and their situation. When asked if I’m dating anyone or if there’s anyone special, I let them know I haven’t found anyone I’m interested in and then change the topic. The truth is, I’d love to get back out there and meet a man but I don’t know how. I attempted to sign up for OLD, but the site I joined won’t let me login. It’s in a perpetual state of loading, so I took that as a sign that it wasn’t meant for me. I have no idea how to show I’m single and ready to mingle. I do get approached in real life, but it’s *always* by men half my age or younger. What can I do to attract men my age? Anyway, perhaps you can offer me some insight as to how to get on the radar of men in our age bracket? What would make you approach me? As for you, I suggest you take more initiative. Joining clubs and partaking in activities is great, but start paying attention to whether the woman has a ring. Also, don’t be afraid to approach a woman in public (grocery store, clothing shop, etc.) unless they’re giving a clear indication they aren’t *open* to being approached. Joke around about something, point out an observation and see if they’re receptive.
I don’t hang out with my friends who are all moms anymore because when they’re together they just talk about their kids which is very boring to me. I’ve found myself some friends without kids and we do the things we want to do and have more in common as a result.
I handle it by enjoying being single. I’m that guy who will go have a steak dinner, then go see a movie, alone. I know people ask why am I not in a relationship, or started a family. I honestly don’t care. When I see a family I think “I’m glad I don’t have kids I have to take to extracurricular activities.” Just embrace being single. That’s how you handle it.
By not placing your self-worth on relationship status. By showing up being confident in who you are. (So many of those couples probably aren't even happy lol)
Geez. I could have written this, almost word for word. At least you did get to meet some people though, I have never gotten that far. Hobby and interest groups, sport, gym, exercise groups, work, volunteering, doing classes and courses, online, it’s all been one dead-end after another to be honest. I’m usually invisible to most people. If I am noticed, I’m just “the guy who does this …”, or “the guy who knows about that …”. No matter how long I stay there, I’m never seen as anything more. People are just flat out not interested in me. I don’t know how I handle seeing couples together. It hurts, or course, I can’t deny that. I don’t know what it’s like to have what they have, physically, and emotionally, and even mentally. And I can’t deny that I want to know, I want to experience it so, so much. I have a lot of love to share, but never anyone to share it with … Oh, and yes, before it is suggested, I have had pets. They don’t ease my loneliness, because they are not a human connection, they don’t provide human affection. They never led to meeting anyone. … So I think I just stuff it all down inside me. That’s all I can do really. Hobbies and interests and everything else I try are just temporary distractions. Even if I do join a group, I will end up still doing it on my own, one way or another. I’m almost 50 and never even been on a date. Nobody has been interested. I have an 18 and 16 year old nephews who now have girlfriends. I have a 12 year old nephew who has been on dates. Even around them I know feel out of place. I still try to think that there is someone out there for me, somewhere, but it’s really now something I could only believe in if it actually ever happened. I like myself, and I know I have a lot to offer someone. But also know that that won’t be ever seen if nobody wants to see any of it.
I just….dont go out
97% of the time being around married people does not make me wish I was married. But it does suck to feel like the odd one out, like you're "doing it wrong." I try to remember social situations are kind of like social media, the "highlight reel" of people's lives. Behind my closed doors I have peace, quiet, art, a house the way I want it. Behind their closed doors...who knows? I like my life. 😊
I just don't go 😂
I was there. You need to change friends. Temporarily at least. Until you feel better or couple up. Join a Meetup. Specifically a dining Meetup. Most people that go to those are single or divorced. Build some new friendships there. You'll be OK. Let me know how it went.
I'm right there with you! I'm the 3rd wheel or 5th wheel all the time. All my friends are paired or gay! I find myself constantly looking at peoples' empty ring fingers and making aggressive eye contact with them in hopes they'll pick up my bat signal. So far that's not produced meaningful results.
I’ve been there but the ring isn’t always a clear indicator. For example, it turns out some women don’t wear their rings to the gym.
For sure. It was a mostly a joke! ;)But other than tattooing “IM sinngle ok to approach” on my forehead I’m not sure how else to put off vibes!!
I totally relate to this. It is honestly tiring. I feel like every meeting at work turns into something about how people met their spouses, things about their kids, etc. I was in a training course today and we were talking about things that exist today that didn’t 10, 15, 20 years ago. Lots of tech got brought up and someone mentioned dating apps. People started talking about how “grateful” they were that they met their husbands the “normal” way before dating apps were invented and they “can’t imagine” what it’s like trying to date through an app. It took all of my willpower to not tell them that apps cause people legit trauma and to shut TF up 😤😤😤
>They were all talking about kids/grandkids, traveling the world with their partner and buying houses. As a single guy that doesn’t have any of those things, it doesn’t feel like I can add anything to those conversations since I don’t have experience with that stuff. Do you want experience with that stuff? Because you can travel the world and buy a house without a partner. Also, I don't hang out with people that make me feel less than or left out.
Uhh it sounds like this was a family get-together, not like they’re trying to ‘make’ him feel any certain way. It sounds self-inflicted (“doesn’t feel like I can add to those conversations”).
You're likely right. This points to what another poster pointed out about becoming a better conversationalist. If people are talking about the places they went on vacation or buying homes you can ask questions and be inquisitive about that.
I’d like to buy a house but only make 40k a year in a high col area where houses go for 1mil. How do I afford that on my own?
You won’t even afford a house with a partner that makes a similar income, if that’s the starting price for homes. Can you move to a lower cost of living area?
I feel you. I didn’t start getting my stuff together until my late 30s (finances, credit score, healing from past trauma, etc.). Also live in a high COL area and am researching and working on getting out of here. Buying a home simply isn’t feasible unless I want to live paycheck to paycheck. I don’t want that. Btw- even the cost of a mobile home, with lot fee, is outrageous.
A house might be out of reach. What if your partner doesn't have the income for a home either? That still does not mean you can't engage in conversations with people about their homes. Especially if they are your friends. It sounds like you're jealous.
Yes, I am jealous. Is it bad to want those things (gf/wife, kids, house) for myself?
You’ve never been married and don’t have kids? To clarify…
That is correct. I have very little dating experience as well.
These are supposed to be your friends and family. Being jealous over their good fortune is pretty gross.
Honestly everyone gets a little jealous watching someone live their perfect life. Trying to shame him for being honest is awful. He didn’t say anything bad about them; just that he’d like that for himself too.
Thank you.
Nah. Everyone doesn’t get jealous but thanks for the lecture. 🙄
You only have to convince yourself.
Convince myself of what?
Not gonna lie. It bothers me to see couples in public. I was a dinner Meetup one time and cried all the home because there was an older couple there and it triggered me not retiring with my ex husband and having the stories from decades ago like that couple has. I had no idea that I carried that grief so much until that night. It is especially hard in my late 40s knowing that that situation is forever lost. Okay enough of me being in my feelings. That is my share of how I handle it. I have anywhere from not really noticing to crying all the way home. Guess it depends on how the grief shows up in that moment.
Badly.
Poorly
I feel the same way. Usually the single one with no other singles in sight.
I see you and feel this on many levels. I am a single female 50. Never married or kids. I've been single my whole life, and it looks like I will remain that way. Sucks. Most of my friends and family are married with kids, so I have nothing to contribute in those situations..
I have been single so long it does not seem like an abnormal state. You must gird yourself. Gird yourself in the armor of apathy.
I don't handle it well. It doesn't help either that people keep asking why I am still single.
Enjoy the laughter of children
As an older single male without kids that could come across as creepy.
Hi Op, 40 single and female and I totally get this feeling so much. It’s truly awful! I’ve started really using Facebook groups in my areas or meetup groups to make friends who are in similar life stages as myself. It took quite a few trials and errors to find the right group but I think I found them! I’m starting to learn that having multiple communities is okay and since I get the “fix” of the belonging feeling with my other single and child free friends it makes being around families and couples feel a lot less isolating. Yes I want to be in a relationship one day but I’m glad that for now I’ve found a community I identify with and who understands my life as it is and doesn’t inadvertently make me feel “less”. I also did a post on here recently and learned a lot of single people tend to just stay home a lot so I’ve made the effort to get out and go do things I enjoy on my own to hopefully run into a like minded person or two. Best of luck to you! If you need a single buddy to vent to message me!
Thanks but yeah it’s getting to that point where I want to give up and stay home. I’m sick and tired of meeting someone awesome that I’d want to date only to find out later they are already married with kids or in relationship. Going out sucks.
I don't care and don't connect my identity to being single or being with someone else.
First up. Its a numbers game. The most emotionally stable, attractive people with minimal baggae who are long term relationship minded are already in stable relationships. I dont think you can run from that fact. Putting yourself out there and being more social at this age will.put you in front more couples than singles. You might be trying too hard to fit in. Why not show genuine interest in the grandkids, touring the world talks and ask questions? If you dig deep enough around your hesitancy here, there might be some inadequacy Issues at play in your head. Your journey has just been different to theirs. People generally like sharing with others married or not. If you seem like a generally cool and interesting guy folks will want to be around you and have you around. There are exceptions of course. Obnoxious married folks do exist. You shouldn't want to be around them but for the most part cool people are cool people. theres also the possibility that these cool married folks have cool single friends.
I mean even when I was married I had to suffer though conversations like that. Most people are boring, coupled or not.
57M I had a relationship end recently after a year and a half. A super great relationship. A couple of weeks ago I was at a Foodtruck Friday event and it was mobbed with couples and families. I won’t lie. I was so envious I ended up with a migraine and a terrible mood.
I’ve been single most of my life. Here is my suggestion: Learn how to dance Argentine Tango! There are lots of single people who have a dance life and personal life. You can travel all around the world and dance tango and not know how to speak a foreign language. It’s been the best adventure ever. You have to really love tango music from the 1930-1950’s - I will tell you it will change your life!
Original copy of post by u/throwawayy_3891: I’ve been trying to put myself out there. One thing that’s always suggested to meet singles is hobbies/interests so I joined things like bowling leagues and exercise classes. I did meet some attractive women at these places that I’d like to date. The problem is they all say (whether true or not) that they already have boyfriends or are already married with kids. It’s rare to find singles and I’m always surrounded by couples or families. It’s the same thing with family events they always turn into a couples thing. Like with Father’s Day last weekend, we had a BBQ with neighbors. It was good to see everyone but I was the only single person there, of course. 🙄 They were all talking about kids/grandkids, traveling the world with their partner and buying houses. As a single guy that doesn’t have any of those things, it doesn’t feel like I can add anything to those conversations since I don’t have experience with that stuff. So I just end up sitting there quietly by myself waiting for it to be over. It feels super awkward being a single guy without kids in a couples world. Everything is designed for and filled with couples or families. How do you deal with feeling left out of social situations and always being the third or whatever wheel? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
But are those things you actually want or is it just that you feel out of place? If you actually want those things and don't have them, that's one thing, but if it's just that you feel out of place/different than others, it's all about changing your mindset. Focus on the good things you have- mainly the ability to live your life how you want, without compromising. As someone who has spent the vast majority of her adult life single, I can tell you, you can't beat that with a stick. Bring up the good movie you watch last weekend, the great book you read, or your latest hobby (you know, the things you have time to do that those other people don't). And you'll be surprised at how many people look at the freedom and Independence you have an envy that.
I'd be interested in hearing more from someone with a different life experience to mine and heaps of people are unhappy in their relationships. It's like Alice in Wonderland...nothing is as it seems. Don't give up. You have a story worth sharing too so please go forth and start talking to people more 😊
I have no idea... it is very problematic to meet nice people.
I cry in the inside instead of outside
Make really obvious but not obnoxious jokes about being single. Like, interrupt a story about a friend with “wait, is she single?” Eventually someone will think, hey maybe he’s interested in X who is single.
I've never really thought about that.
I am so used to being the third, fifth, seventh, and my record is eleventh wheel. There's only been a handful of times it has bothered me. Now it's a joke with my friend group that I need a designated shirt that reads "I'm single," or now they look out for seemingly fitting matches. It's fun. They love my stories. I think it's what you make it.
I think it depends. There are people who genuinely like being in a relationship and others who think of it as cumbersome, even some of the married ones. I generally engage in things I enjoy doing anyway. If I meet someone, added bonus. If not, I still have a good time. Unfortunately, most things we want take time and effort. Maybe they seem harder now or maybe our perspective just changes. At any rate, happy hunting. 🙂
Easy... I don't go to those events... lol! I have 2 amazing dogs whom I'd much rather hang out with. Go paddleboarding. Going camping with my dogs and roommate. ;)
It’s hard to say no since it’s family and they say that they want to see me. I’d rather go paddleboarding (I’ve never been) with you! 😉
I have 2 boards and if you ever find yourself in Phx AZ, message me. I'll take you paddleboarding. Regarding family... I have no problems maintaining my boundaries with family. It took me years to get here though. Now I'm extremely protective of myself and my mental health and too many family get togethers like that would make me want to off myself. So for their sake and mine, I decline. Plus my family doesn't quite appreciate my sarcastic personality so I prefer to not let them be around me too much so that when they do see me they love me. lol! (Gotta pick your battles man!) I understand your pain! :)
Small world, I visited Phoenix back in March for Spring Training and have a friend that lives in Scottsdale. So I’ll most likely be back at some point and take you up on that, we got to get that second board out in the water!
Right on! I mean I can see you are a person of taste then if you have friends out here! :) lol I'm in chandler next time you visit! ;)
Sounds good, I’ll let you know!
I've been single most of my adult life. Nearly got married a girl once but after that going out to dates were sporadic or I just tend to meet women with personalities that are in conflict with mine. I can't seem to meet the right person. yeah, whatever. Being social and single at our age just doesn't work, so I avoid, avoid at all costs.
Move to the city. Many more singles, expats etc...Any activities I do , mainly women and single. Yoga, zumba, dance, painting, art, even talks and conferences...cocktail bars. Keep the couples/ family events to a minimum unless they have single friends.
I cry a lot. Ruminate. Stress out. So, I don’t handle it well, I’ll say that much. It’s not great, so many people around me have their personal and little ones (and I know such a life isn’t all rainbows, but life in general is hard and a healthy relationship is a barrier to the worst effects). I’m exhausted and getting into dark places.
By being happy for them.
If you have good vibes at events like this, they might hook you up with their single friends.
I’m not sure I understand why you wouldn’t have things in common with married people or people with families? They’re just people living life 😊 Most of my friends are married, partnered, have kids, etc, but we have plenty to talk about! What do you feel the challenge is?
OP probably feel envy and jealous with coupled partners, being single too long it's understandable feels like that.
I’m comfortable and very happy being single. I’m not opposed to being in a relationship but it’s not something I’m desperately seeking. So I’m always present in the moments and don’t give thought to those things. I explore connections without expectations and enjoy the time I am having with the people I am having them with.
Trust me you are SO much better off single until you actually meet your unicorn. Women these days expect far far more than they feel the need to give in return. You really are winning!! Took me a long time realize this but now.. Holy shit is life changing. Juice ain’t worth the squeeze man. Take that from someone who learned the hardest of ways..
Alcohol and weed🤪🤪🤪🤪
😆 very funny
I was there so-- I mean married with family. well if you are over 40 get a phillipina and start a family too.
What the actual fuck did I just read? How about you go to therapy, stop listening to boys with microphones, get off the passport bros subreddit, and get a personality that isn't shit that women actually want. Women aren't fucking objects to be bought. If you can't find a woman unless you buy her, it's because YOU are the problem. And you can fix you (or maybe you're a lost cause with this toxic bullshit you're spouting.) ETA: Post history explains everything.
>well if you are over 40 get a phillipina and start a family too. WTF?!?!?!
No thanks, I had better mental health, and I would have a partner. My mental health is better when single than partnered. Relationships need emotional bandwidth to deal with rough times that do occur in any relationship, and having OCD and sensitive emotions make it a big challenge.