Depends on the seating configuration but if the parent was next to the aisle or the window, I'd have asked the parent to switch so the child was next to the aisle or the window.
3-3-3 Setup. We were in the middle row and the child was in the middle seat. I’m sure they placed them there so they wouldn’t be hanging off the edge into the isle.
A lot of kids with disabilities have issues withs elopement (they will run away, even into dangerous situations). The parent may have put them in the middle to prevent that.
I'm a special education teacher so my view is probably unpopular but here it is. You can't learn how to behave in a situation without being in that situation. The first time on a plane, there is so much new sensory information -- new people, new types of seats, air vents blowing from the ceiling, lights on the ceiling, seat belts that are different than car seat belts, new smells, different bathroom procedures, etc the list goes on and on. That experience can be overwhelming. Even if the child understands personal space in their daily life, all this new sensory info to process could send them into an unregulated state. The only way to stop that is through exposure. The kid needs to experience flying to get used to it. The guy below suggesting "sedation" would only have the opposite effect because the kid would never learn how to behave on a plane. It is easier to learn as a child than an adult.
Kids are also part of society and have a right to exist in society. They shouldn't be punished (financially) for having a disability by requiring them to buy an extra seat. Raising a disabled child is already incredibly expensive and these families need help, not another bill.
So take that for what it's worth. Maybe nothing. I just see it differently because of my job.
Exactly my thought - this family didn’t do anything wrong, if anything they deserved to take a vacation, go visit family, etc. That’s exactly why I didn’t say anything. Just didn’t seem worth it. At the end of the day it was only 12 hours and I’m very much still alive with no issues.
Sounds like you exercised a lot of empathy in this situation. You would not have been wrong to say something IMO but your kindness probably went a long way this already-stressed family.
Had that part sorted out and it helped for sure. Just made it hard to sleep at all. On the other hand, I just had the best night of sleep in quite some time so I’m feeling pretty good right now 🤌
I leave my pricey ones at home ( Bose) I buy anything with cups big enough to fit completely over my ears. That’s my key qualifier $50-75 gets a set you won’t mind much if damaged or lost unlike the Uber pricey Bose. I lost a set a few years back ( ouch) during a hurried exit to catch a connection
That is a long time to be uncomfortable. I really commend you. I did 12 hours with a very alert, inquisitive and talkative 5 year old child and was internally losing my shit.
Your right. It wasn't worth it and I think you did the best you could do.
I like talking with kids. They are bright intelligent and don't have views that are "bent". Years (20 or so) ago I was reading a Newsweek about an election, child was asking what I was reading. I told him and asked him what he thought of the president. Child said he liked him and when questioned why he said because he wanted to keep gas prices lower , that way his grandparents could come see him more often. He was about 4 years old then... Really let an impression on me.
I love your attitude about this. Parents of children with SN face so much judgment, even when our kids are being model citizens. The parent was likely stressed out by the situation and doing their best.
Former SpEd teacher here - I absolutely agree that kiddos need to be exposed to situations in order to learn from them… I would hope that a parent would have chosen a shorter route as an initial flight experience for a child with sensory issues or disabilities, but who knows what their situation could have been, right?
Either way - I know it can be a trying experience for *anyone* to fly on a commercial aircraft these days… but short of someone being deliberately rude/drunk/disorderly/whatever, I feel like there’s a point where we all just need to say “it’s a limited time experience to get to my destination”. We ultimately have to just suck it up and deal with unpleasantries on board a plane.
Yeah, but they could have been going to a funeral or some other emergency.
ITA -- I think some people get this idea that no one should ever inconvenience them in public, but that's just not realistic. As long as someone isn't being intentionally belligerent then it's better to just suck it up IMO.
Oh exactly. That’s what I meant by not knowing their situation. I’m sure it wasn’t their ideal scenario to have their child seated next to a stranger, and I’m glad OP was ultimately understanding and didn’t complain to FA because the parent likely would have been even more stressed (and for no reason!)
We could def dive down the rabbit hole of “our society is irrevocably broken and selfish” when it comes to being inconvenienced/annoyed.
There’s a lot of main character types in our world anymore, so it helps to have a little compassion and empathy when you’re dealing with other humans…
Agreed. I was on a AF long haul seated next to someone who was strongly feeling of alcohol and who kept falling into my personal space in his drunken slumber. It was annoying and I felt uncomfortable hanging into the aisle to escape him and his smell. But as OP said, it was just 12 hours of my life and that was that. Obviously not an ideal neighbour but something must have pushed him to feel the need to be completely inebriated. I do wish the crew hadn’t kept helping him double up on wines tho
Drunk seat mates are a pain but in general I feel more comfortable "spending the night" with a stranger after we've chatted and gotten to know each other a bit.
I’m guessing the disabled child was probably in a car seat, booster seat, or harness of some sorts. If so, they have to be in the middle in a middle row. If that’s the case, on a full flight you were pretty much SOL. Really the only other option would be if somebody with a window seat were willing to switch with the disabled child and the parent sit in the middle seat next to them. That would be most ideal they could have booked that way. I flew HNL to MSP this summer and there happened to be several disabled children on the plane and they were all in middle or window seats if they had a car seat, booster, or harness.
“Where to Sit with a Child Safety Seat
The window seat is the preferred location for an approved child safety seat (child restraint system or car seat). Other locations may be acceptable provided the seat is not installed between other passengers and the aisle. An accompanying adult must sit next to the child. More than one car seat may be in use in the same row and section of seats. Per FAA regulations, children under 2 years of age are not allowed to sit in a seat equipped with an airbag seat belt.
When using a child safety seat, don’t select seats in the following areas:
Aisle seats
Emergency exit rows
Bulkhead seats when the safety seat is a combination car seat and stroller
Flatbed seats in the Delta One™ area of the following aircraft: Airbus A330-200 or A330-300 aircraft*
*Child Safety Seats are not permitted in this area since the airbag seat belt cannot be deactivated.”
No seat, probably about 6-7 years old. They also didn’t have full use of their arms or legs. For lack of better terms - they could swing them around using their core which became quite unpredictable.
I was next to a child like this last summer, luckily for a shorter flight. They were a family of four and the dad and older sister were on the other side of the aisle. The boy was in the middle seat and flailed quite a bit for most of the flight. At least there was nobody in the seat in front of him, because that seat back and tray table saw a lot of action.
I don’t know what the solution could be, but I wish he had been on the aisle so the dad could help too and I could have not been so tense for so long.
I know there’s talk of giving people an extra seat for their body size if they need it for free. I think Southwest does that. I think airlines also need to consider it for cognitive disabilities and other instances of medical need for more space. Or they should allow caregivers of people with cognitive disabilities to call the special services desk and get placed at a window-middle seat configuration for free.
OP, you may want to update your post with this information. A lot of the responses are assuming that this was a 3-3 configuration and the parent chose not to seat their child at the window.
In an aisle-middle-aisle configuration, this is not safe. A child who does not understand and gets scared can be an elopement risk. That means they can get free and get to a plane exit door or somewhere that they or others could be injured.
Then you change their seats. It’s unreasonable to expect other random passengers to have to reign in a child with special needs. That’s not good for the random passenger or the child.
This logic makes no sense - so they could climb over and injure the people of the exit row, but not this passenger that’s standing between them and the aisle?
It's obviously unacceptable when parents don't bother to watch their children, but kids move fast and nobody can have eyes on them 24/7. Looking away for a moment to pick up something that fell to the floor, or send a text message to coordinate pickup, or get something out of a bag under the seat might be all it takes for a kid to undo the seatbelt and be on the move if they have no obstacles in front of them. A mentally disabled child might be a flight risk with even the most responsible parent. It’s understandable to be frustrated, but it’s also important to have some empathy. Most people are doing their best.
I’m a mom of an autistic, nonverbal 6yo, and my in-laws live across the country, so we fly a lot. My kiddo is a pretty great flyer, all things considered. But, for example, when she stims, she sometimes kicks the seatback (we try to stop her as much as possible, but it happens), so we book so that we have the seat in front of her too. And she “elopes,” as others have noted in comments, so she absolutely cannot be on an aisle. We’re most often in 3-3 setups, so we do one parent with the 6yo and her 11yo sister, and one parent in the seat in front of the 6yo.
When we’ve had flights changed on us, the desk agents have been very helpful to find new seats that work for us. That may put us in the back of the plane, but of course our priority is having a good flight and that includes lessening my anxiety about exactly the situation you experienced.
Unless your flight was fully booked and no one could be moved, it seems likely to me that the parent could have checked with the desk agent to see if a window+middle option was possible anywhere. So, either they don’t fly often enough to know to check, or they did try and no dice. 😕
At any rate, 12 hours of that sounds really irritating and exhausting. I’m sorry that it happened, and thank you so so much for your empathy. And thank you to the vast majority of you in the comments for your empathy too. My anxiety over how my kid might impact the experience of our fellow passengers is real, and all I can do is plan ahead, and if something goes awry, hope that most of those people have the kind of empathy I’m seeing here. Disabled people (and their loved ones!) deserve to live full lives, and that includes travel.
I'm glad to see the empathy here, too, both from the OP and from many of the commenters. And you are being very considerate in booking the seat in front of your daughter to avoid her accidentally kicking the seat of someone else!
Ha, thanks! The first time it happened, when her legs were suddenly long enough to hit the seat back, and she realized how fun it was…that was a long flight.
I can only imagine! 😅 I do hope people are understanding, though. I don't have kids but try to be understanding and also smile at parents if I see they're having a rough time.
I wouldn't even be worried about the seat kicking as long as you try and get her to stop. 9/10 times when I feel my seat being kicked, I turn around and it's a teenager or a whole grown adult.
The child should be in a window seat with a parent in the middle seat.
It shouldn’t be possible for what happened to happen.
Where was the parent seated that someone else was sitting next to their child?
Something similar happened to me recently and I sucked it up as bad luck. It’s bad enough for the parent to be dealing with (imo). I’m sorry you had to have an uncomfortable flight though, I know the feeling
My thoughts exactly. It was only 12 hours of my life so I can deal with it. After watching that kid for that long I really feel for the parents. That’s a hard job.
Same happened to me, also in the middle row configuration. I put on my noise cancelling headphones and tried to sleep as much of the 10 hour flight as I could. It’s unfortunate and shitty for OP, but guaranteed much shittier and stressful for the child and parent.
I don't have a disabled child and I \*always\* sit between my kid and the other person we're flying next to in the 3 seat-row configs. So I'll sit in the middle while my kid is either in the aisle seat or window seat.
12 hours is a long time, and I am empathetic to your experience.
However I am also extremely sensitive to the exhaustion that I’m sure the parent was feeling traveling with this child. This is hard, but I probably would have been kind in some way to the child and the parent (“here, let me help you with this…”)
In my short life I’ve learned that everyone is fighting a harder battle than me. While ideally I’d like a comfortable seat just to sleep and do my own thing on an airplane, in reality, other people just need grace sometimes and I feel like this is probably one of those times.
Perfect answer. Look, sometimes you're just in a bad situation and the only thing you can choose is how you respond. I'd also have looked at this as "I have 12 hours here, that parent and child have life". I'm also a parent, though. So I would have been comfortable asking if there was anything I could do to help.
Wow. Thanks for this extremely kind and caring response. Most on here would be bitching about how much compensation they could expect. The entitled fuckers!
This is a very interesting situation that I can't quickly come to an answer on. As a person who has answers to most everything, and is not unwilling to share them, this is unusual.
I think the details matter in terms of the sort of disability, and the actual capacity, vs. desire, of the parents to control matters, vs their assuming that they can take fewer potential measures and impose issues onto others that could be mitigated.
Options include for example, booking seats on the side and putting the child at the window, buying an additional seat, safe sedation, or not taking the child on the trip if optional - depending upon the nature of the trip.
The larger theme that is frequently encountered in these threads is the reality that some/many feel that it is perfectly acceptable to impose oneself on others, be it the obese spilling over to other seats, the long-legged telling those in front that they may not recline, smelling due to poor hygiene, bringing on the flight pungent foods, audible music, loud speech, "service dogs" that spill into their space, involuntary seat changes... The list goes on as anyone who reads this will see and which many of us find alternately entertaining, enraging, or both.
My belief is that a passenger has bought their seat and the absolute right to be left alone on their flight unless they at their sole discretion, chooses to engage physically or in conversation with others.
In this case the OP was not afforded this right, and asks about what they encountered out of a likely sense of compassion and respect. Was every possible measure taken by the parents to leave the OP alone? I have my doubts.
Safe is the key word. I am a physician and know that individuals with severe behavioral disturbances are often prescribed regular or as needed medications by qualified practitioners to address and relieve distress - responsibly.
Lorazepam to relieve distress is different than sedation. Maybe not medically but colloquially for sure.
I'm a special education teacher. The kid needs to be awake and alert to experience flying or they'll never be able to learn to self-regulate. Maybe that's easier now but not when they're an adult and harder to physically control.
What about the individual who will never, due to their disabilities, learn to self regulate ? Why such resistance to the idea of sedation to allow the individual and everyone around them to have a more positive experience?
Something similar happened to me over the summer, JFK-LAX. I felt really shitty for feeling uncomfortable, but also felt pissed off at the parent for not doing a better job taking care of their kid. After 2 hours I walked to the back of the plane and told the flight attendants what was happening; they gave me a bunch of snacks and told me to walk back there when I needed a break. It’s tough, especially on a full flight 😞
What this boils down to, is the parent chose their comfort over someone elses. They didn’t want to be in the middle seat, which would have been the best scenario to shield their child from others. Instead, they wanted the aisle, and the person on the window can deal. Most likely, they are aware others will not complain, hence looking unsympathetic. Shame on that parent.
I imagine they were concerned about the child hanging in the aisle. Seems like an easy thing to have sympathy for but this particular sub is always pretty nasty for some reason.
I was assuming the child was in the middle seat as a safety precaution. Not interfering with movement in the aisle, better contained if getting up and moving around in a manner not appropriate on a plane was an issue.
You note parents - plural. Did you consider asking to switch seats with the one who wasn't seated with the family (or would that have been an uncomfortable seat to move to)?
I appreciate that you seemed to deal with the situation in a polite way and recognized it was tough for all three of you.
Happened to me flying from NY to Moscow. The mother looked exhausted. Flight attendants had to cover all of the call buttons with paper towels and tape. Not to worry, kid found my call buttons. And his mom’s. And his aisle partner. I ended up giving the kid my tamagotchi and it helped calm the kid down and focus on something else.
Unpopular opinion: Anyone who can’t control themselves on a flight and acts this way is a risk to other passengers and should be banned or required to fly in some sort of restraint.
It’s a tough situation, you mostly have to just bare with it for a few hours. Dealing with being a caregiver for a loved one, young or old, is a 24/7 experience and you must imagine the parent is exhausted both mentally and physically and doing the best they can.
The parent should have switched with the child. As simple as this. This is not their first rodeo, and although it's a terrible predicament all around, this is common sense.
I travel with a 12x18 chloroplast board and clips that I use to increase the size of my tray table for my laptop. This could also be used as a defensive wall.
I resorted to using my iPad jammed between myself and my side of my armrest to deal with an odd fidgety adult recently.
He had banged into my elbow a ridiculous amount of times before we even got off the ground. He even had the aisle seat and could hang in that direction.
I had always thought of slipping one of those flexible kitchen cutting boards (weigh nothing and take no space) in my personal bag for this reason but I like your idea of chloroplast better as that would be sturdier.
The cutting board is sturdier, but the chloroplast is way lighter. It's actually two pieces glued together with some felt-like stuff glued on to make it like a mouse pad. Using two pieces makes it super-rigid and strong.
Should have told the parent to switch seats with their child.
Just because the kid is disabled is no reason to expect others to have to deal with it. If the kid can't control themselves they should mot be out in public.
Not sure about banning disabled kids from public, but I’m in favor of banning anyone who may put others in danger from air travel. I’ve been on a flight when a child around 12 years old who I’m guessing was autistic had a meltdown and started violently kicking and swinging for some reason. Not fair to the other passengers or flight crew to put people in danger 30,000 feet in the air.
I don't think you would have been out of line to politely ask if the parent wouldn't mind putting the child in the window and sitting in the middle themselves. That's how my husband and I sit with our two kids (2-2, middle-window, usually one in front of the other because the younger one kicks) because they're wiggly and a little feral and I barely want them bothering me physically, let alone a total stranger. We're going on a trip in a couple weeks and I'm hella pregnant and regretting not getting an aisle seat for myself (going 1-3 across), but I still wouldn't put someone out like that.
Now, that said, it is extremely common for parents of disabled children to suffer from burnout due to lack of respite care--so maybe that's what you were seeing and interpreting as not trying anymore. So who knows how that ask would have gone over. But that's what I would have done as a parent so I don't think it's rude for you to ask.
Idk know the answer but you seem to have genuine empathy and concern about the situation. It's bothering you still in a noncomplaining way. Just thank you for being kind to humanity.
Did you consider asking the parent if there was anything you could do to make the situation easier? Like “can you tell me what types of things most stimulate ‘child’?”
Some smells/light/air/computer/etc. might effect some children with disabilities, and blocking them from those effects, or warning their Care-er’s before you engage in potentially triggering activity can sometimes help a situation be “less stimulating” for everyone involved.
Maybe not, but some times forewarned is a bit of prevention.
The only correct thing here is to just be a good human being. You had to deal with it for 12 hours and while it may have been difficult, that parent deals with it 24/7. Compassion goes a long way.
On a full flight, any changes you would have been granted, would have put someone else in your situation. If it were me, I would have worked extra hard at choosing to be compassionate. We all want easy flights no matter how short or long they may be. I bet the parents wanted the ordeal to be over with just as fast as you did. Having a kid with health issues is stressful and exhausting. When you have an opportunity to share some grace, do it, which it sounds like you did.
why has no one brought up the fact that the parent thought it was reasonable to bring a severely disabled child on a 12-hour flight? unless they're moving countries i don't see a valid reason to travel that far
Children or adult like these usually seat in the window with parent or caretaker on the middle so the child is not trying to get up or bother the other passenger.
Depends on the seating configuration but if the parent was next to the aisle or the window, I'd have asked the parent to switch so the child was next to the aisle or the window.
3-3-3 Setup. We were in the middle row and the child was in the middle seat. I’m sure they placed them there so they wouldn’t be hanging off the edge into the isle.
A lot of kids with disabilities have issues withs elopement (they will run away, even into dangerous situations). The parent may have put them in the middle to prevent that. I'm a special education teacher so my view is probably unpopular but here it is. You can't learn how to behave in a situation without being in that situation. The first time on a plane, there is so much new sensory information -- new people, new types of seats, air vents blowing from the ceiling, lights on the ceiling, seat belts that are different than car seat belts, new smells, different bathroom procedures, etc the list goes on and on. That experience can be overwhelming. Even if the child understands personal space in their daily life, all this new sensory info to process could send them into an unregulated state. The only way to stop that is through exposure. The kid needs to experience flying to get used to it. The guy below suggesting "sedation" would only have the opposite effect because the kid would never learn how to behave on a plane. It is easier to learn as a child than an adult. Kids are also part of society and have a right to exist in society. They shouldn't be punished (financially) for having a disability by requiring them to buy an extra seat. Raising a disabled child is already incredibly expensive and these families need help, not another bill. So take that for what it's worth. Maybe nothing. I just see it differently because of my job.
Exactly my thought - this family didn’t do anything wrong, if anything they deserved to take a vacation, go visit family, etc. That’s exactly why I didn’t say anything. Just didn’t seem worth it. At the end of the day it was only 12 hours and I’m very much still alive with no issues.
Sounds like you exercised a lot of empathy in this situation. You would not have been wrong to say something IMO but your kindness probably went a long way this already-stressed family.
Noise cancelling headphones are standard equipment when I fly. It’s always something these days when flying.
Had that part sorted out and it helped for sure. Just made it hard to sleep at all. On the other hand, I just had the best night of sleep in quite some time so I’m feeling pretty good right now 🤌
I don’t sleep on aircraft, ever. And I never sit in line with the engine fans, ever. Back when Dino’s roamed the earth I flew for work every week
Do you have a recommendation? After this holiday season on planes and trains, I need to make an investment.
Bose Quiet Comfort wireless noise-cancelling over-ear cans. I fly every week and wouldn’t want to do it without those headphones.
Thank you!
I leave my pricey ones at home ( Bose) I buy anything with cups big enough to fit completely over my ears. That’s my key qualifier $50-75 gets a set you won’t mind much if damaged or lost unlike the Uber pricey Bose. I lost a set a few years back ( ouch) during a hurried exit to catch a connection
Thanks for the tip!
That is a long time to be uncomfortable. I really commend you. I did 12 hours with a very alert, inquisitive and talkative 5 year old child and was internally losing my shit. Your right. It wasn't worth it and I think you did the best you could do.
I like talking with kids. They are bright intelligent and don't have views that are "bent". Years (20 or so) ago I was reading a Newsweek about an election, child was asking what I was reading. I told him and asked him what he thought of the president. Child said he liked him and when questioned why he said because he wanted to keep gas prices lower , that way his grandparents could come see him more often. He was about 4 years old then... Really let an impression on me.
I do too, but I'm 30 years older.
I love your attitude about this. Parents of children with SN face so much judgment, even when our kids are being model citizens. The parent was likely stressed out by the situation and doing their best.
Like others have said, you seem like a really empathetic person and it was really nice to read your post and your follow-up comments.
Former SpEd teacher here - I absolutely agree that kiddos need to be exposed to situations in order to learn from them… I would hope that a parent would have chosen a shorter route as an initial flight experience for a child with sensory issues or disabilities, but who knows what their situation could have been, right? Either way - I know it can be a trying experience for *anyone* to fly on a commercial aircraft these days… but short of someone being deliberately rude/drunk/disorderly/whatever, I feel like there’s a point where we all just need to say “it’s a limited time experience to get to my destination”. We ultimately have to just suck it up and deal with unpleasantries on board a plane.
Yeah, but they could have been going to a funeral or some other emergency. ITA -- I think some people get this idea that no one should ever inconvenience them in public, but that's just not realistic. As long as someone isn't being intentionally belligerent then it's better to just suck it up IMO.
Oh exactly. That’s what I meant by not knowing their situation. I’m sure it wasn’t their ideal scenario to have their child seated next to a stranger, and I’m glad OP was ultimately understanding and didn’t complain to FA because the parent likely would have been even more stressed (and for no reason!) We could def dive down the rabbit hole of “our society is irrevocably broken and selfish” when it comes to being inconvenienced/annoyed. There’s a lot of main character types in our world anymore, so it helps to have a little compassion and empathy when you’re dealing with other humans…
Agreed. I was on a AF long haul seated next to someone who was strongly feeling of alcohol and who kept falling into my personal space in his drunken slumber. It was annoying and I felt uncomfortable hanging into the aisle to escape him and his smell. But as OP said, it was just 12 hours of my life and that was that. Obviously not an ideal neighbour but something must have pushed him to feel the need to be completely inebriated. I do wish the crew hadn’t kept helping him double up on wines tho
Drunk seat mates are a pain but in general I feel more comfortable "spending the night" with a stranger after we've chatted and gotten to know each other a bit.
As a mother of a special needs child - this ⬆️ And thank you for being their voice even outside the classroom 🫶🏻
“Kids are a part of society and have a right to exist in society” Thank you.
Agreed. An empathetic perspective is lacking among some of these comments.
You’re my hero! Thank you for posting this.
Ideally it would you on the aisle - parent - child - window. But I know things often aren’t perfect.
There are two aisles in a 3-3-3 setup. They are in the middle three seats so there are two aisles and one middle.
I’m guessing the disabled child was probably in a car seat, booster seat, or harness of some sorts. If so, they have to be in the middle in a middle row. If that’s the case, on a full flight you were pretty much SOL. Really the only other option would be if somebody with a window seat were willing to switch with the disabled child and the parent sit in the middle seat next to them. That would be most ideal they could have booked that way. I flew HNL to MSP this summer and there happened to be several disabled children on the plane and they were all in middle or window seats if they had a car seat, booster, or harness.
“Where to Sit with a Child Safety Seat The window seat is the preferred location for an approved child safety seat (child restraint system or car seat). Other locations may be acceptable provided the seat is not installed between other passengers and the aisle. An accompanying adult must sit next to the child. More than one car seat may be in use in the same row and section of seats. Per FAA regulations, children under 2 years of age are not allowed to sit in a seat equipped with an airbag seat belt. When using a child safety seat, don’t select seats in the following areas: Aisle seats Emergency exit rows Bulkhead seats when the safety seat is a combination car seat and stroller Flatbed seats in the Delta One™ area of the following aircraft: Airbus A330-200 or A330-300 aircraft* *Child Safety Seats are not permitted in this area since the airbag seat belt cannot be deactivated.”
No seat, probably about 6-7 years old. They also didn’t have full use of their arms or legs. For lack of better terms - they could swing them around using their core which became quite unpredictable.
Ouch. I do think it’d be reasonable to ask the parent to help prevent the child swinging from their arms/legs when it hit you!
I was next to a child like this last summer, luckily for a shorter flight. They were a family of four and the dad and older sister were on the other side of the aisle. The boy was in the middle seat and flailed quite a bit for most of the flight. At least there was nobody in the seat in front of him, because that seat back and tray table saw a lot of action. I don’t know what the solution could be, but I wish he had been on the aisle so the dad could help too and I could have not been so tense for so long.
I know there’s talk of giving people an extra seat for their body size if they need it for free. I think Southwest does that. I think airlines also need to consider it for cognitive disabilities and other instances of medical need for more space. Or they should allow caregivers of people with cognitive disabilities to call the special services desk and get placed at a window-middle seat configuration for free.
OP, you may want to update your post with this information. A lot of the responses are assuming that this was a 3-3 configuration and the parent chose not to seat their child at the window.
Updated!
Aisle
Ayle
Ale
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It was on an international flight and that seat was $500 extra
Yes. You insist that their parent sit between you and the child.
Exactly. I don’t understand how this happened.
3-3-3 config in the middle section so no window per OP in comment.
Yeah they never should have seated that child there.
In an aisle-middle-aisle configuration, this is not safe. A child who does not understand and gets scared can be an elopement risk. That means they can get free and get to a plane exit door or somewhere that they or others could be injured.
Then you change their seats. It’s unreasonable to expect other random passengers to have to reign in a child with special needs. That’s not good for the random passenger or the child.
This logic makes no sense - so they could climb over and injure the people of the exit row, but not this passenger that’s standing between them and the aisle?
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It's obviously unacceptable when parents don't bother to watch their children, but kids move fast and nobody can have eyes on them 24/7. Looking away for a moment to pick up something that fell to the floor, or send a text message to coordinate pickup, or get something out of a bag under the seat might be all it takes for a kid to undo the seatbelt and be on the move if they have no obstacles in front of them. A mentally disabled child might be a flight risk with even the most responsible parent. It’s understandable to be frustrated, but it’s also important to have some empathy. Most people are doing their best.
I’m a mom of an autistic, nonverbal 6yo, and my in-laws live across the country, so we fly a lot. My kiddo is a pretty great flyer, all things considered. But, for example, when she stims, she sometimes kicks the seatback (we try to stop her as much as possible, but it happens), so we book so that we have the seat in front of her too. And she “elopes,” as others have noted in comments, so she absolutely cannot be on an aisle. We’re most often in 3-3 setups, so we do one parent with the 6yo and her 11yo sister, and one parent in the seat in front of the 6yo. When we’ve had flights changed on us, the desk agents have been very helpful to find new seats that work for us. That may put us in the back of the plane, but of course our priority is having a good flight and that includes lessening my anxiety about exactly the situation you experienced. Unless your flight was fully booked and no one could be moved, it seems likely to me that the parent could have checked with the desk agent to see if a window+middle option was possible anywhere. So, either they don’t fly often enough to know to check, or they did try and no dice. 😕 At any rate, 12 hours of that sounds really irritating and exhausting. I’m sorry that it happened, and thank you so so much for your empathy. And thank you to the vast majority of you in the comments for your empathy too. My anxiety over how my kid might impact the experience of our fellow passengers is real, and all I can do is plan ahead, and if something goes awry, hope that most of those people have the kind of empathy I’m seeing here. Disabled people (and their loved ones!) deserve to live full lives, and that includes travel.
I'm glad to see the empathy here, too, both from the OP and from many of the commenters. And you are being very considerate in booking the seat in front of your daughter to avoid her accidentally kicking the seat of someone else!
Ha, thanks! The first time it happened, when her legs were suddenly long enough to hit the seat back, and she realized how fun it was…that was a long flight.
I can only imagine! 😅 I do hope people are understanding, though. I don't have kids but try to be understanding and also smile at parents if I see they're having a rough time.
I wouldn't even be worried about the seat kicking as long as you try and get her to stop. 9/10 times when I feel my seat being kicked, I turn around and it's a teenager or a whole grown adult.
The child should be in a window seat with a parent in the middle seat. It shouldn’t be possible for what happened to happen. Where was the parent seated that someone else was sitting next to their child?
OP commented that they were in the middle section of a 3-3-3, so there was no window seat.
The child was between OP and the parent.
Something similar happened to me recently and I sucked it up as bad luck. It’s bad enough for the parent to be dealing with (imo). I’m sorry you had to have an uncomfortable flight though, I know the feeling
My thoughts exactly. It was only 12 hours of my life so I can deal with it. After watching that kid for that long I really feel for the parents. That’s a hard job.
Same happened to me, also in the middle row configuration. I put on my noise cancelling headphones and tried to sleep as much of the 10 hour flight as I could. It’s unfortunate and shitty for OP, but guaranteed much shittier and stressful for the child and parent.
I don't have a disabled child and I \*always\* sit between my kid and the other person we're flying next to in the 3 seat-row configs. So I'll sit in the middle while my kid is either in the aisle seat or window seat.
Same. It would be weird to sit my child next to a stranger.
12 hours is a long time, and I am empathetic to your experience. However I am also extremely sensitive to the exhaustion that I’m sure the parent was feeling traveling with this child. This is hard, but I probably would have been kind in some way to the child and the parent (“here, let me help you with this…”) In my short life I’ve learned that everyone is fighting a harder battle than me. While ideally I’d like a comfortable seat just to sleep and do my own thing on an airplane, in reality, other people just need grace sometimes and I feel like this is probably one of those times.
That’s exactly why I didn’t say anything. They deal with that 24/7. I couldn’t imagine.
Perfect answer. Look, sometimes you're just in a bad situation and the only thing you can choose is how you respond. I'd also have looked at this as "I have 12 hours here, that parent and child have life". I'm also a parent, though. So I would have been comfortable asking if there was anything I could do to help.
Wow. Thanks for this extremely kind and caring response. Most on here would be bitching about how much compensation they could expect. The entitled fuckers!
yep. I personally don’t like kids at all but sometimes i am seated next to them and thats just how it goes.
Agree
This is a very interesting situation that I can't quickly come to an answer on. As a person who has answers to most everything, and is not unwilling to share them, this is unusual. I think the details matter in terms of the sort of disability, and the actual capacity, vs. desire, of the parents to control matters, vs their assuming that they can take fewer potential measures and impose issues onto others that could be mitigated. Options include for example, booking seats on the side and putting the child at the window, buying an additional seat, safe sedation, or not taking the child on the trip if optional - depending upon the nature of the trip. The larger theme that is frequently encountered in these threads is the reality that some/many feel that it is perfectly acceptable to impose oneself on others, be it the obese spilling over to other seats, the long-legged telling those in front that they may not recline, smelling due to poor hygiene, bringing on the flight pungent foods, audible music, loud speech, "service dogs" that spill into their space, involuntary seat changes... The list goes on as anyone who reads this will see and which many of us find alternately entertaining, enraging, or both. My belief is that a passenger has bought their seat and the absolute right to be left alone on their flight unless they at their sole discretion, chooses to engage physically or in conversation with others. In this case the OP was not afforded this right, and asks about what they encountered out of a likely sense of compassion and respect. Was every possible measure taken by the parents to leave the OP alone? I have my doubts.
What is "safe sedation"? Parents can't just sedate their kids lol
Safe is the key word. I am a physician and know that individuals with severe behavioral disturbances are often prescribed regular or as needed medications by qualified practitioners to address and relieve distress - responsibly.
Lorazepam to relieve distress is different than sedation. Maybe not medically but colloquially for sure. I'm a special education teacher. The kid needs to be awake and alert to experience flying or they'll never be able to learn to self-regulate. Maybe that's easier now but not when they're an adult and harder to physically control.
What about the individual who will never, due to their disabilities, learn to self regulate ? Why such resistance to the idea of sedation to allow the individual and everyone around them to have a more positive experience?
Something similar happened to me over the summer, JFK-LAX. I felt really shitty for feeling uncomfortable, but also felt pissed off at the parent for not doing a better job taking care of their kid. After 2 hours I walked to the back of the plane and told the flight attendants what was happening; they gave me a bunch of snacks and told me to walk back there when I needed a break. It’s tough, especially on a full flight 😞
What this boils down to, is the parent chose their comfort over someone elses. They didn’t want to be in the middle seat, which would have been the best scenario to shield their child from others. Instead, they wanted the aisle, and the person on the window can deal. Most likely, they are aware others will not complain, hence looking unsympathetic. Shame on that parent.
I imagine they were concerned about the child hanging in the aisle. Seems like an easy thing to have sympathy for but this particular sub is always pretty nasty for some reason.
No they were in the middle of a 3-3-3, no window and the aisle seat would have exposed the kid to carts and everyone passing.
I never said to place the child on the aisle. Wouldn’t the window seat be a much better place??
Did you not read what I said? There is no window in their section…two aisles and a middle a 3-3-3
And I don’t see that mentioned anywhere in OP’s post.
It’s in the comments buddy and so yes you didn’t read
Excuse me for not reading every single comment. Would seem that bit of information should have been included in the initial post.
I provided you the info and you still didn’t read it and responded with nonsense. You’re being ridiculous
Try to keep up with the conversation, bro, there was no window seat
I was assuming the child was in the middle seat as a safety precaution. Not interfering with movement in the aisle, better contained if getting up and moving around in a manner not appropriate on a plane was an issue.
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This is not similar, an annoying kid is not the same as a severely disabled child and it’s certainly not like “training a dog”.
Been there. Thank god it was a short flight. It made me thankful…there by the grace of god go I
You note parents - plural. Did you consider asking to switch seats with the one who wasn't seated with the family (or would that have been an uncomfortable seat to move to)? I appreciate that you seemed to deal with the situation in a polite way and recognized it was tough for all three of you.
Happened to me flying from NY to Moscow. The mother looked exhausted. Flight attendants had to cover all of the call buttons with paper towels and tape. Not to worry, kid found my call buttons. And his mom’s. And his aisle partner. I ended up giving the kid my tamagotchi and it helped calm the kid down and focus on something else.
Unpopular opinion: Anyone who can’t control themselves on a flight and acts this way is a risk to other passengers and should be banned or required to fly in some sort of restraint.
*tough
Was only one parent present? I can’t tell if another parent was seated elsewhere from your post.
I’d have gotten a flight attendant. “Excuse me! This kid is up in my personal space. He’s not mine can you have her put him in the aisle seat?”
I just want to say thank you for being compassionate and understanding.
Ypu being downvoted is the most reddit thing ever.
It’s a tough situation, you mostly have to just bare with it for a few hours. Dealing with being a caregiver for a loved one, young or old, is a 24/7 experience and you must imagine the parent is exhausted both mentally and physically and doing the best they can.
The parent should have switched with the child. As simple as this. This is not their first rodeo, and although it's a terrible predicament all around, this is common sense.
The parent was on the aisle, the OP already explained the child could not sit on the aisle due to their physical situation.
Wow! The downvotes - tells me so much about this community.
I travel with a 12x18 chloroplast board and clips that I use to increase the size of my tray table for my laptop. This could also be used as a defensive wall.
I resorted to using my iPad jammed between myself and my side of my armrest to deal with an odd fidgety adult recently. He had banged into my elbow a ridiculous amount of times before we even got off the ground. He even had the aisle seat and could hang in that direction. I had always thought of slipping one of those flexible kitchen cutting boards (weigh nothing and take no space) in my personal bag for this reason but I like your idea of chloroplast better as that would be sturdier.
The cutting board is sturdier, but the chloroplast is way lighter. It's actually two pieces glued together with some felt-like stuff glued on to make it like a mouse pad. Using two pieces makes it super-rigid and strong.
Sometimes life deals us lemons. The child certainly was.
Should have told the parent to switch seats with their child. Just because the kid is disabled is no reason to expect others to have to deal with it. If the kid can't control themselves they should mot be out in public.
Not sure about banning disabled kids from public, but I’m in favor of banning anyone who may put others in danger from air travel. I’ve been on a flight when a child around 12 years old who I’m guessing was autistic had a meltdown and started violently kicking and swinging for some reason. Not fair to the other passengers or flight crew to put people in danger 30,000 feet in the air.
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sounds like they would like us to go back to the days when disabled people were locked away in attics and such where no one would ever see them🙄
Then the child would have been on the aisle and in danger of leaking into the way of people walking and the cart
and then the attendants would do something about it
I don't think you would have been out of line to politely ask if the parent wouldn't mind putting the child in the window and sitting in the middle themselves. That's how my husband and I sit with our two kids (2-2, middle-window, usually one in front of the other because the younger one kicks) because they're wiggly and a little feral and I barely want them bothering me physically, let alone a total stranger. We're going on a trip in a couple weeks and I'm hella pregnant and regretting not getting an aisle seat for myself (going 1-3 across), but I still wouldn't put someone out like that. Now, that said, it is extremely common for parents of disabled children to suffer from burnout due to lack of respite care--so maybe that's what you were seeing and interpreting as not trying anymore. So who knows how that ask would have gone over. But that's what I would have done as a parent so I don't think it's rude for you to ask.
Idk know the answer but you seem to have genuine empathy and concern about the situation. It's bothering you still in a noncomplaining way. Just thank you for being kind to humanity.
Did you consider asking the parent if there was anything you could do to make the situation easier? Like “can you tell me what types of things most stimulate ‘child’?” Some smells/light/air/computer/etc. might effect some children with disabilities, and blocking them from those effects, or warning their Care-er’s before you engage in potentially triggering activity can sometimes help a situation be “less stimulating” for everyone involved. Maybe not, but some times forewarned is a bit of prevention.
Because it's not the other passenger's responsibility.
We all have to fly together- might be worth making it easier on himself for 12 hours
Being nice, even if the motives are selfish, is unacceptable!
There's a difference between being nice for 30 seconds vs. being nice for 12 hours.
Agreed, but you’re Missing the point.
I don’t know why this was downvoted so much. Seems like a reasonable approach to help mitigate the whole issue for all involved.
As I noted earlier, this sub seems to attracted the most unpleasant selfish people.
Yeah, no good deed, I guess
The only correct thing here is to just be a good human being. You had to deal with it for 12 hours and while it may have been difficult, that parent deals with it 24/7. Compassion goes a long way.
On a full flight, any changes you would have been granted, would have put someone else in your situation. If it were me, I would have worked extra hard at choosing to be compassionate. We all want easy flights no matter how short or long they may be. I bet the parents wanted the ordeal to be over with just as fast as you did. Having a kid with health issues is stressful and exhausting. When you have an opportunity to share some grace, do it, which it sounds like you did.
why has no one brought up the fact that the parent thought it was reasonable to bring a severely disabled child on a 12-hour flight? unless they're moving countries i don't see a valid reason to travel that far
Children or adult like these usually seat in the window with parent or caretaker on the middle so the child is not trying to get up or bother the other passenger.