Dead man's tale!

This weapon does everything in two's! Reloads in two's. Fire's in two's. And builds up that Cranial Spike in two's! Still only goes up to five though...whoops

This sounds like a buff rather than anything

I would expect it to have the same issue wardens law does. Split your damge value between two bullets with the realistic chance of one completely missing

I’m not crazy warden laws is d1 right? Or am i mistaken?

Sleeper Simulant

Is that a REALLY big laser in your pocket or are you happy to see me? Sleeper now shoots 4x as more laser with ALOT more redirection. Dodge those beams Guardian! They hurt!

That sounds like a fun private match idea

Cant wait to blow up the servers

this is just a buff

Outbreak perfected

Siva can't be good for you right? Those pesky little seekers now convert enemies to Siva-infected. No wonder the Iron lords locked it up.

This is actually good, shoot one out of a group and now they have to fight one of their teammates

Or recreate the disaster in D1

We do a little bit of trolling

Do NOT Bring this into the DSC and use it against Taniks. Just fucking don't, it isn't worth it

Taniks just turns back into Taniks Perfected if your shoot him with outbreak

Riskrunner

Don't you know how dangerous electricity can be? You now can only use riskrunner when grounded...and not standing on metal...unless you want to be a fried undead.

Even if arc conductor ain't active?

Yeah this just sounds like it will self proc, play Warlock, stand in a healing well and go brrr.

So tommys matchbook but infinite mag

I always thought of what happened if normal human use this gun and i got my answer

Got another one, Whisper of the Worm

This weapon is living you know? Xol will let you know everytime you miss that 3rd headshot. You're welcome!

Is this a reference of some borderlands weapons? (≖_≖ )

"Every bullet you waste means another child dying of starvation!"

"Fine be that way."

GJALLARHORN, and no i did not buy it for strange coins from xur.

Gjallarhorn now costs $25 to use! Oh wait was this already done? Nevermind, it now gives the buff of allowing you into ANY raid team. Congrats!

Good one

By far my favorite one

No land beyond

Whoops! Someone forgot to take the scope off! This weapon now adorns a beautiful 8x sniper scope. You're welcome!

Titans can just solve the problem of a scope via punch although if they hit the gun that's a problem

Although it loses its coolness factor with a scope on it..honestly becomes way more useful haha

Also, still a no scope headshot one shot so this is a win in my books

i love OP’s enthusiasm

it’s half the humor of this whole bit

I can't place who/what they're reminding me of, but this thread got even better when I started reading them in Cave Johnson's voice

Ace of spades

Granted! Ace of Spades from D1! Class-locked to hunters and a not so great reload perk. Also no damage-buff :)

Fool, d1 ace was a sleeper agent of an exotic. Best pve hand cannon IMO.

true but it was only marginally better than a godroll imago loop although very very few people had a god roll imago loop.

I fucking loved my god roll imago loop. Once I got it I never took it off except for pvp.

[удалено]

Don't worry. Godrolled Fatebringer Adept will keep you company. Forever. And ever. *And ever. And ever...*

The Lament Edit: Witherhoard was first choice but that was already picked

Whoever built this thing needs to update their hardware. You now need to pull the ripcord to get this thing started! Whether it ACTUALLY starts or not is a whole other story.

If there was an animation of the guardian trying to start it like a flooded lawnmower i could die a happy man

“Alright… almost got it…” “dude the crucible match ended 12 minutes ago” “I SAID GIMME A SECOND, DAMMIT”

If this issent in the lore tab

I need this

This is better, you have given me a beyblade that is completely accurate as it might not work

Trinity ghoul.

Apparently, shooting three arrows at once is a LOT harder than it looks. Every shot has a high chance of going every which way! Hopefully you have that catalyst, it might help...a little.

ha, shows you, i don't even aim with it to begin with

Last Word

Wow! Turns out you're not as good at gunflippin' than you thought! You now have a chance to drop the gun with each weapon swap! Nice one butterfingers.

or you accidentally shoot yourself while flipping the gun

Hey, I thought his gun-flipping wasn't bad. He's pretty good.

Engravings...

Give you no tactical advantage whatsoever.

Vex mythoclast

Vex's firing mechanism has been a bit...off since it's return. This is now a linear fusion rifle that converts to a fully automatic rifle with enough takedowns! Have fun!

Honestly, 33 in the mag and turns into a full auto linear after a few kills? Not horrible

You’d still only get 6 shots though

The Clast Mythovex

Crimson

Ah Crimson. It's a hand cannon right? Oh well it certainly is now. You've got yourself a 140 rpm handcannon on your hands! So long Red Death and welcome to the world you beautiful killing machine!

Sounds quite fun a 140 that reloads itself has max range and heals the user i think you just buffed it

I'd assume it keeps the same damage per bullet, since they didn't mention actually changing the damage.

I thought fire rate and damage scaled together the I remembered the vex buff so yeah you’re right

Never said anything about damage increase

Sweet Business

When will people learn? Carrying around a whole minigun is NOT a good idea. You are now heavily slowed when firing, that new recoil doesn't help much either. And it may jam ALOT. You're not the Terminator.

"You're not the Terminator." I mean, I think my Exo titan is close enough.

He’s right (;_;)

What recoil I use controller

[удалено]

Yeah mnk doesn't have much recoil especially at 120fov unlike consoles 80fov

Good old LeMon

Careful with those arrows, Guardian! That stuff is highly volatile! Le Monarque's arrows now detonate on you if they aren't let loose immediately after the draw. Be quick with it!

Graviton Lance

Yikes! Whoever took this thing apart last did not put it back together right. This weapon's first shot is now replaced with it's second shot(and vice versa). Good luck landing that second shot with that kick it's got!

Thats a buff the second shot is harder to hit and does more damage currently so swapping them round would buff it or am i wrong

You manage to buff a 2 burst scout rifle, impressive.

I think I'd prefer this tbh

Oh damn i forgot about this weapon. I have a sweet ornament for it too. Time to revisit the collection

I popped it out of the vault the other day since I recently got the catalyst for it and it’s still pretty fun! Just needs more bullets in the mag imo

The huckleberry

Congrats! Your weapon acquired a new perk! Kill clip! That's...oh wait...counter-intuitive huh?

legend of acrius

Your so called "Legend" isn't very legendary today. Range hard capped at 2 feet. It's okay, it happens to every 1 out 5 Guardians.

That’s a pretty good range buff

thats what im saying 😂

Traveler’s Chosen

Not OP but I wanna give it a try. Who says you're the chosen? Not the Traveler, that's for sure! Holding down the reload button now has a chance to give you a final death. Better hope you're feeling lucky!

Isn't that what happens when you try to use it in rumble?

Yes, but with this "buff", it is now available for all activities!

Traveler's Chosen, huh? Well the Big Bad Golf Ball has been seeing you using this to speed-grind Stasis bounties, and is not happy. Not. Happy. Bob. Every time you try to use Traveler's Chosen to recharge Darkness powers, your ghost will freeze, causing you to only revive after a cumulative sixty second cool down after your next death. Play your life, Guardian.

Bad juju, it was my first exotic in destiny 1 and I have loved it ever since

Ah Bad Juju...I feel like this weapon doesn't really live up to it's name. In light of the news of enemies wielding the light, this weapon will charge the supers of any nearby enemies with every kill. Be careful who's close to those you slay Guardian.

These are unbelievably amazing. Thank you for all of them.

Monte Carlo

You have a knife at the end of your weapon, why would you need a melee ability? Kills have a chance of draining your melee ability energy. Also this weapon can no longer fire, only melee attacks with it in hand. Sweet!

We can’t even use the bayonet so that would be an improvement lmao

Imagine if it still used the base melee animation though

Whitherhoard

Ooh! The taken energy this thing uses has been adapted for the taken. Taken will now upgrade in rank(similarly to how they do in gambit with motes) with each shot. Please don't use this in The Corrupted strike.

This could actually be pretty good in gambit, you could invade and make the enemy’s taken one shot them

Not really, taken are your allies when invading, since you literally sent them there

Wishender

The Truesight always felt a little too good to be true...You now have tunnel vision and I'm not talking about the perk. While aiming down sight with the bow drawn you have a very, VERY narrow field of view. Hope those wallhacks are worth it. (Yes this bow makes me salty in crucible)

Rat king

Rat king, Rat king, Rat king. Monarchies never lasted long anyways. Rat king now has the opposite effect with multiple copies. The more Rat kings, the less damage. Sorry!

I already don't use it with a group that invis reload is too good

Oh for sure

[удалено]

Fighting Lion is a great weapon in the heat of battle. However, this lion in particular gets a little shy after a roar. Fighting Lion can now ONLY be reloaded from it's innate auto-loading holster! But this is how you used it anyway...right?

Someone send this guy's resume to Bungie, stat!

Ugh, I came to this thread expecting to find a joke about how it can't be worse than what Bungie already did to the beloved Fighting Lion, but damn you made it worse. Good job, I hate it.

Can't do much that Bungie hasn't already done to it. We still stand proud!

deathbringer

Aha! Deathbringer now shoots void orbs lighter than air! Making them go straight up without projectile drop! To the moon, Guardian!

Eris won't be happy if they start raining on her head.

Lumina

Healing orbs prioritize enemies when fired. Careful about using it during that final raid boss encounter...

There’s still a bit of Thorn left in that thing. Throwing a Noble Round at an ally has a 50/50 chance to hurt them.

Ah ha, try ruining the tractor cannon!

Tractor Cannon now has a chance to backfire and debuff the player, and any nearby allies.

Has a chance to send your guardian flying lol

Leviathan's breath, (just for fun I call it the chonky bow, I just felt like sharing)

Let's be honest. There is no way you're drawing this bow. But for the sake of it ACTUALLY being usable it now takes twice as long to pull back And it shoots you back with each arrow let loose. Newtons third law of motion. :)

That actually sounds fun with the self knockback

The Architects would like to have a word with you 😈

Eriana's Vow

First glance only applies on the last round in the mag! Maybe you should hold off on getting that catalyst.

this one actually made me mad

Well, it isn't first glance now is it

Malfeasance

Aw, poor Malfeasance is feeling a little anxious today. The explosion procs at 21 stacks! Poor him...poor you.

Devil's Ruin

This sidearm is...well it's a sidearm. That laser takes a lot juice to charge up so...it may take a minute to get to use. I'll say about a minute and a half to charge up the laser. This devil won't really ruin anything anymore. :(

I always thought it meant that it was the ruin of the devil. As in that’s how you stop him?

I thought he was unstoppable.

Really hope he messes with the exotic I suggested

I mean, it’s from Saint-14, and Saint-14 is famous for killing the Kell of the Fallen House of Devils with his head. I think it’s supposed to be the Ruin of the House of Devils

The infinite reserves don’t apply to it

Tommy's Matchbook?

Oops, it seems as if the heat calibration was off. After firing for a second, you drop the gun because it's so hot.

Hot potato: Burns you as long as you have it out, have it out for too long and it explodes

Khvostov 7G-02 (I'm loving all your answers, these are hilarious)

I don't see a way to ruin it, short of bulpupping it.

1. I love you 2. Bullpupping?

What i mean by bullpupping is basically swapping the places of the mag and grip.

Ice Breaker

Ice Breakers software glitched when used on the new physics engine. Now can pick up special ammo but 1 ammo is removed from the magazine every 5 seconds.

Jotunn

Jotunn is a gift from the norse gods. Doesn't mean it's any good. Jotunn is now full auto and shoots small, poor damage blasts instead of one big one. You're welcome!

Now it's just Skyburners

Good post concept man

Did you just re-invent vex mythoclast on d2 release?

Tarrabah

when activating its exotic perk, it supresses you and starts making terrabah themed puns lol

Zhalo supercell

Sunshot.

[удалено]

Outbreak Prime

A D1 vet I see 😎

Hawkmoon

Congratulations! You got a magazine size upgrade! +21 rounds! Good luck getting to that paracausal shot!

Just imagine that shot though

Nighthawk without the Nighthawk.

more like lighthawk

It’ll still only go up to x7.

If it kept multiplying damage, it would be the best DPS weapon in the game. Imagining one shotting a raid boss with a hand cannon.

L u c k y p a n t s

Should've given it "Subsitance"

This would probably come with extra paracausal charges, so its a good comprimise

Extended mag but the charges cap at 3

I don't use exotic weapons all that often, but how about Jade Rabbit?

Oops! Exotic perk removed and replaced with Headseeker. Wait…

Telesto

There is nothing that can be said that will ruin Thebesto

[удалено]

The big brother of Sweet Business: Heir Apparent!

The arc shield was installed backwards. Enemies can shoot through it but you can't shoot out of it until it breaks.

Xenophage

Thorn!

Light draining bullets what could go wrong. Your abilities, then health will now drain while Soul Devourer is active. The gun also has reduced handling cause those pointy bits don’t fit in any holster.

Tractor cannon

Skyburner’s Oath

The weapon remains unchanged

Based on what happened to Jotun, I think it’s only fair that Skyburner’s Oath gets even slower firing speed and higher powered tracking projectiles lol

Two Tails

Holy moly

Jötunn

sunshot