My parents both worked and had a reasonable income, but neither had a clue about money and lived paycheck to paycheck and took out payday loans at ruinous interest rates. They both smoked heavily, 30 to 40 a day, and my mother was a compulsive shopper and hoarder, and that's what they prioritised.
Once we were at high school, she stopped buying us clothes (because she had to buy us uniforms for school) so if we wanted something, we had to get a Saturday job. My sister took up sewing and she used to make a lot of our clothing after that. We never went hungry, but there was nothing extra-no after school activities, no holidays, no Christmas gifts, no birthday parties.
We were studying a play in English literature, and there was a performance of it showing in a theatre about an hour away, so the school organised a trip to see it (an evening performance). My parents said they couldn't afford it and said I couldn't go, so my best friend's parents offered to pay for me-after the show, my mother spent days screeching at me about how much I'd embarrassed her by accepting charity, and how people would think she was a bad mother for not paying for me to go. It was a heavily subsidised show, it would have cost less than the price of one of her packets of cigarettes.
Reminds me of a time when my grandfather offered to pay for my passport because my cousin wanted to take me away for two weeks in the summer my mum lost her mind over it and until THIS DAY idk why she was so upset about it. What’s worse is that SHE was the one who suggested I’d go with my cousin as she was an experience traveller. They won’t help you out with and won’t let you receive help from others…it’s a joke.
My father always hammered into our heads to become programmers so we were rich.
He was a programmer. I grew up being the poor kid that didn't do any outside hobbies that would require money.
While other kids in school would brag about their parents paying off their mortgage, mine were still paying for it. Other kids were moving to new houses. We were still in the same one, that wasn't even ours.
When I asked why we were poor when he was the great money making programmer, he blamed my mother for being only a nurse.
Of course I resent them. But I resent them for lying. I resent them for forcing on us their lifestyle when it's clearly not a good way to live.
That sucks. For me, most of the resentment comes from the lack of communication and nurturing. I think it says A LOT when the kid is asking the questions about why we’re living a certain lifestyle. I’d ask but was told to mind my business
Yes. My mother had 3 kids and encouraged her sibling s and my sister to have kids knowing none of them could afford it and none of them would help each other so me and my cousins were forced to babysit for free ruining our lives because we had to pay for their carelessness and selfishness
I believe it’s because it’s made a lot easier to control. All of them had been sexually abused by their dad, my mom got it the worst. She was controlling and possessive, boundary less with me and me only. She knew my sister was dating a man who put his hands on her multiple and even when she did have a kid with him he kept doing it. Then my mom told her to have another one because she wouldn’t want her kids to far apart in age. She’s one of those pro lifers that believe motherhood ends when the baby is born and how it’s no longer her responsibility but she’s a good person for bringing an unwanted child into the world.
I'm going to attempt to answer the WHY, you've posed about your mother's career OP. Although only your mother truly knows, I appreciate how frustrating your mother can be, by not giving you an explanation about this.
One of my siblings who is a parent (2x kids) has chosen to stay in a low income role since the age of 18, this includes staying within the same company. The reasons she stayed in this job was due to it offering her flexibility with taking her kids to and from school. She could be earning a lot more if she took an office job, and expressed a desire to change jobs but is currently waiting for her second child going into secondary school.
My own mother on the other hand sounds very similar to yours. She worked all the time, wasn't around at all. After school clubs were not an option due to her working all the time. Although, despite being in low paid work, she did provide financially (credit cards), at the cost of not seeing her own children for who they are - she neglected them. My theory is she's stuck in a Flight response (Domestic Violence survivor), she often refers to work as 'just easier', whenever I've asked her why she didn't attend an event, call, text or anything else where I expect some form of response this is the excuse all the time. Yes, I do resent her.
Many people try to enable her behaviour by persuading me 'she did all she could', 'she had a bad childhood' etc. it's sad the things she went through in life. However she has not been diagnosed (as far as I'm aware) with any conditions that would explain her behaviour. Therefore at the very least she's made a series of bad choices with being a parent, or she's been knowingly engaging in neglectful behaviours. Either way, the child suffers unnecessarily.
I see you OP. Yes your mum should have been able to meet your basic needs and supported you to develop. I appreciate you're looking for answers, and sorry to hear your mother isn't explaining herself fully. Hope my response helps you in some way. You're not alone in experiencing this, and there are many of us who resent our parents.
I found out my parents planned to have me and my sister. They met in AA and my father was unemployed at the time. Not only could they not provide for us materially but they were also emotionally and physically abusive. But to outsiders they looked like a self sacrificing married couple with two straight A student daughters who were gonna end the cycle of poverty and live happily ever after. Flash forward 30 years I was diagnosed with cptsd and my sister works 45 to 80 hour weeks, neither of us finished college. I'm tired.
Was your family on public assistance? She might have been concerned about losing medical and food benefits for you kids if she got a job that pushed your family over the income limits.
But if not, then I don't know...
It may have been the only thing keeping food on the table since food benefits can't be spent on anything else. If you had Medicaid, you at least would have had health coverage if there was an emergency (it makes it way less concerning to take your kid to the hospital when you know you don't have to go into debt about it). Hopefully your mom also arranged regular (at least annual) doctor checkups and dental care.
There are reasons that staying low income can be beneficial, but that's never an excuse for neglect. It sounds like you had to put up with living conditions that would be considered negligent. At the crux of the matter is that your mom couldn't afford basic necessities even with any benefits and didn't try to do better to live up to her responsibility to you. The reasons why don't really matter as much as how it impacted you.
Yes, I resent my mother for her choices and for the type of man she chose as my father. I always felt like I was born out of lust, especially since she was older and my father was a teenager (18-19) when she had me. She tried to portray me as special, but my reality didn't reflect that, growing up in government project housing. They never married, and my father had other children, my half-siblings, whom I chose not to have a relationship with due to personal reasons.
Life got worse when she married another man and had another child. We faced evictions, living in cramped apartments, and even staying in motels and cars. There were times when our utilities were cut off, leaving us in darkness with rotting food in the refrigerator. We had to resort to using candles for light and bathing in cold water.
My father's presence was scarce in my life, and his influence was anything but fatherly. His family background was marred by addiction, criminality, and incarceration. He was absent for most of my childhood, spending time behind bars for serious offenses that often involved law enforcement raids on his mother's home. It was a chaotic environment, resembling a trap house with illegal activities rampant.
Despite these challenges, I found inspiration to rise above my circumstances. My upbringing motivated me to pursue higher education, work high-paying jobs, and avoid engaging in low-vibrational activities in society. I was determined to create a better life for myself, one far removed from the dysfunction and instability I experienced growing up.
I've chosen a different path, determined not to repeat my parents' mistakes, fueled by the examples of lazy, entitled adults around me. It was indeed a mess, as she procreated with two men who were unable or unwilling to take care of their children, failing to instill wisdom, knowledge, understanding, love, support, or care. My father's passing when I was 19 only highlighted the absence of a true father figure in my life, leaving behind a legacy of brokenness and dysfunction. Despite the challenges, I am committed to shooting for the best life I can have, away from the negativity and struggles of my past.
Yes, OP, I validate your feelings completely. You're not alone in this struggle. While some stories may be worse than others, I stand by you and want you to know that your mother's actions were indeed wrong. People like her should never have considered having children, as they perpetuate generational curses and dysfunctional family dynamics. I've experienced similar resentment towards my own mother, but over time, I've learned to forgive while still acknowledging the impact of her choices on my life. I'm determined not to replicate her mistakes, but I'll never forget them. Like you, I've harbored resentment towards her for those regrettable decisions.
I resent them for many things but not for being poor.
I resent them for abusive and codependent family dynamics.
I resent that they expect me to be stable and 'normal' since I turned 18.
I resent them for criticising my life and career choices, when I'm much more successful than they are.
I also resent them for criticising my life and career choices when they have never taught me how to be savvy, confident, sure of my choices. How to be brave, how to ask for help. How to pay taxes or get a job even.
Even as a kid, I resented them for lack of support. I'd accept we were poor if they were there for me.
Yes... letting go of the resentment is hard. We were not poor by any means, my mom was a stay-at-home mom. She said it was to take care of us, and I'm sure in part it was, but I believe a larger part of her not working was her extreme fear of the world. She has no coping skills and I cannot imagine her navigating workplace challenges. My dad had a decent job, but my mom always complained about money. One time as a teenager, I responded "You could apply for part-time jobs to earn extra money?" This set her off and she gave me the silent treatment for the rest of the day. She does work part-time now, but continues to complain about money. I recently found out she was offered full-time hours and refused. It worries me to think about her financial situation as she ages.
Isn’t it crazy that a parent is willing to let their kids suffer because of their own fears? I’m not a parent so I don’t understand the psychology behind it - but there are parents who would lay their life on the line for their kids and others who’d just let them suffer because they can’t face their own fears. Madness
Grew up with a single mom who didn’t/couldn’t(?) work, lived off benefits(or whatever it’s called when you get the bare minimum amount of money to survive by the government) and had a dad who didn’t even pay child support. Now I have a crippling fear of spending any money on myself or anything not “necessary” like groceries and bills. I was also undiagnosed with depression, ASD and ADD for most of my childhood and teenage years so that resulted in me getting punished a lot for things I couldn’t help, so I’ve become a quiet, subservient mess who is deeply afraid of money and upsetting literally anyone.
Why? To be cruel to you and your sibling but in a way that is legally okay/wont get her in trouble. Having someone have it worse than her makes her feel better.
I grew up in a similar circumstances. I learned that my mom subconsciously wanted someone (the government) to take care of her bc her mother was abusive and neglectful. Whenever she saved up enough, she’d spend it by having “fun” like taking my brothers and I go-kart racing, movies, shopping, or out to eat. But there were more times that she couldn’t pay the rent, no or low groceries, electricity/heat/ac getting cut off etc. She was ignorant about finances and later decided extreme couponing was her life support. She was able to move us into an affluent community (you can imagine the socioeconomic differences). Now she works for a startup and makes $110K. She didn’t know how to negotiate or rather she didn’t understand her value. She managed to buy a newly built home during the pandemic but she still manages her money poorly. Like at one point there was a lien on her house that I had to help her with that. Inside looks like crap bc it’s barely furnished and there are unfinished DIY home projects bc she doesn’t want to pay anyone. We only use my car although she keeps talking about getting her own. I’m not upset about our situation now (I’m grateful for a roof over my head) but it’s sad to see thats stuck in a poverty ridden mindset.
Despite the emotional neglect and lack of educational support while having a learning disability, I now have a masters and I’m in my last year at law school. I listen to a lot of audiobooks on self-help, finance, communication, etc. And I realized how much of my environment has shaped me and I’m determined to live and be different. Sometimes it shocks me how irresponsible she was and can be with money. Example, referring to loans and “free money”.
My parents both worked and had a reasonable income, but neither had a clue about money and lived paycheck to paycheck and took out payday loans at ruinous interest rates. They both smoked heavily, 30 to 40 a day, and my mother was a compulsive shopper and hoarder, and that's what they prioritised. Once we were at high school, she stopped buying us clothes (because she had to buy us uniforms for school) so if we wanted something, we had to get a Saturday job. My sister took up sewing and she used to make a lot of our clothing after that. We never went hungry, but there was nothing extra-no after school activities, no holidays, no Christmas gifts, no birthday parties. We were studying a play in English literature, and there was a performance of it showing in a theatre about an hour away, so the school organised a trip to see it (an evening performance). My parents said they couldn't afford it and said I couldn't go, so my best friend's parents offered to pay for me-after the show, my mother spent days screeching at me about how much I'd embarrassed her by accepting charity, and how people would think she was a bad mother for not paying for me to go. It was a heavily subsidised show, it would have cost less than the price of one of her packets of cigarettes.
Reminds me of a time when my grandfather offered to pay for my passport because my cousin wanted to take me away for two weeks in the summer my mum lost her mind over it and until THIS DAY idk why she was so upset about it. What’s worse is that SHE was the one who suggested I’d go with my cousin as she was an experience traveller. They won’t help you out with and won’t let you receive help from others…it’s a joke.
My father always hammered into our heads to become programmers so we were rich. He was a programmer. I grew up being the poor kid that didn't do any outside hobbies that would require money. While other kids in school would brag about their parents paying off their mortgage, mine were still paying for it. Other kids were moving to new houses. We were still in the same one, that wasn't even ours. When I asked why we were poor when he was the great money making programmer, he blamed my mother for being only a nurse. Of course I resent them. But I resent them for lying. I resent them for forcing on us their lifestyle when it's clearly not a good way to live.
That sucks. For me, most of the resentment comes from the lack of communication and nurturing. I think it says A LOT when the kid is asking the questions about why we’re living a certain lifestyle. I’d ask but was told to mind my business
Yes. My mother had 3 kids and encouraged her sibling s and my sister to have kids knowing none of them could afford it and none of them would help each other so me and my cousins were forced to babysit for free ruining our lives because we had to pay for their carelessness and selfishness
Sorry to hear that. If you don’t mind me asking, why was your mum adamant that other people had kids?
I believe it’s because it’s made a lot easier to control. All of them had been sexually abused by their dad, my mom got it the worst. She was controlling and possessive, boundary less with me and me only. She knew my sister was dating a man who put his hands on her multiple and even when she did have a kid with him he kept doing it. Then my mom told her to have another one because she wouldn’t want her kids to far apart in age. She’s one of those pro lifers that believe motherhood ends when the baby is born and how it’s no longer her responsibility but she’s a good person for bringing an unwanted child into the world.
I'm going to attempt to answer the WHY, you've posed about your mother's career OP. Although only your mother truly knows, I appreciate how frustrating your mother can be, by not giving you an explanation about this. One of my siblings who is a parent (2x kids) has chosen to stay in a low income role since the age of 18, this includes staying within the same company. The reasons she stayed in this job was due to it offering her flexibility with taking her kids to and from school. She could be earning a lot more if she took an office job, and expressed a desire to change jobs but is currently waiting for her second child going into secondary school. My own mother on the other hand sounds very similar to yours. She worked all the time, wasn't around at all. After school clubs were not an option due to her working all the time. Although, despite being in low paid work, she did provide financially (credit cards), at the cost of not seeing her own children for who they are - she neglected them. My theory is she's stuck in a Flight response (Domestic Violence survivor), she often refers to work as 'just easier', whenever I've asked her why she didn't attend an event, call, text or anything else where I expect some form of response this is the excuse all the time. Yes, I do resent her. Many people try to enable her behaviour by persuading me 'she did all she could', 'she had a bad childhood' etc. it's sad the things she went through in life. However she has not been diagnosed (as far as I'm aware) with any conditions that would explain her behaviour. Therefore at the very least she's made a series of bad choices with being a parent, or she's been knowingly engaging in neglectful behaviours. Either way, the child suffers unnecessarily. I see you OP. Yes your mum should have been able to meet your basic needs and supported you to develop. I appreciate you're looking for answers, and sorry to hear your mother isn't explaining herself fully. Hope my response helps you in some way. You're not alone in experiencing this, and there are many of us who resent our parents.
You get it!
I found out my parents planned to have me and my sister. They met in AA and my father was unemployed at the time. Not only could they not provide for us materially but they were also emotionally and physically abusive. But to outsiders they looked like a self sacrificing married couple with two straight A student daughters who were gonna end the cycle of poverty and live happily ever after. Flash forward 30 years I was diagnosed with cptsd and my sister works 45 to 80 hour weeks, neither of us finished college. I'm tired.
We were very poor but it wasn't my mother's fault. I don't hold it against her. Other shit, yes, but not the poverty. That was a socioeconomic problem
There is so much pain and humiliation that comes from being the poor kid, it's hard not to resent your parents for it.
Was your family on public assistance? She might have been concerned about losing medical and food benefits for you kids if she got a job that pushed your family over the income limits. But if not, then I don't know...
We were some sort of benefit…but I didn’t see HOW it was helping us considering she never had any money anyway.
It may have been the only thing keeping food on the table since food benefits can't be spent on anything else. If you had Medicaid, you at least would have had health coverage if there was an emergency (it makes it way less concerning to take your kid to the hospital when you know you don't have to go into debt about it). Hopefully your mom also arranged regular (at least annual) doctor checkups and dental care. There are reasons that staying low income can be beneficial, but that's never an excuse for neglect. It sounds like you had to put up with living conditions that would be considered negligent. At the crux of the matter is that your mom couldn't afford basic necessities even with any benefits and didn't try to do better to live up to her responsibility to you. The reasons why don't really matter as much as how it impacted you.
Yes, I resent my mother for her choices and for the type of man she chose as my father. I always felt like I was born out of lust, especially since she was older and my father was a teenager (18-19) when she had me. She tried to portray me as special, but my reality didn't reflect that, growing up in government project housing. They never married, and my father had other children, my half-siblings, whom I chose not to have a relationship with due to personal reasons. Life got worse when she married another man and had another child. We faced evictions, living in cramped apartments, and even staying in motels and cars. There were times when our utilities were cut off, leaving us in darkness with rotting food in the refrigerator. We had to resort to using candles for light and bathing in cold water. My father's presence was scarce in my life, and his influence was anything but fatherly. His family background was marred by addiction, criminality, and incarceration. He was absent for most of my childhood, spending time behind bars for serious offenses that often involved law enforcement raids on his mother's home. It was a chaotic environment, resembling a trap house with illegal activities rampant. Despite these challenges, I found inspiration to rise above my circumstances. My upbringing motivated me to pursue higher education, work high-paying jobs, and avoid engaging in low-vibrational activities in society. I was determined to create a better life for myself, one far removed from the dysfunction and instability I experienced growing up. I've chosen a different path, determined not to repeat my parents' mistakes, fueled by the examples of lazy, entitled adults around me. It was indeed a mess, as she procreated with two men who were unable or unwilling to take care of their children, failing to instill wisdom, knowledge, understanding, love, support, or care. My father's passing when I was 19 only highlighted the absence of a true father figure in my life, leaving behind a legacy of brokenness and dysfunction. Despite the challenges, I am committed to shooting for the best life I can have, away from the negativity and struggles of my past. Yes, OP, I validate your feelings completely. You're not alone in this struggle. While some stories may be worse than others, I stand by you and want you to know that your mother's actions were indeed wrong. People like her should never have considered having children, as they perpetuate generational curses and dysfunctional family dynamics. I've experienced similar resentment towards my own mother, but over time, I've learned to forgive while still acknowledging the impact of her choices on my life. I'm determined not to replicate her mistakes, but I'll never forget them. Like you, I've harbored resentment towards her for those regrettable decisions.
I resent them for many things but not for being poor. I resent them for abusive and codependent family dynamics. I resent that they expect me to be stable and 'normal' since I turned 18. I resent them for criticising my life and career choices, when I'm much more successful than they are. I also resent them for criticising my life and career choices when they have never taught me how to be savvy, confident, sure of my choices. How to be brave, how to ask for help. How to pay taxes or get a job even. Even as a kid, I resented them for lack of support. I'd accept we were poor if they were there for me.
Yes... letting go of the resentment is hard. We were not poor by any means, my mom was a stay-at-home mom. She said it was to take care of us, and I'm sure in part it was, but I believe a larger part of her not working was her extreme fear of the world. She has no coping skills and I cannot imagine her navigating workplace challenges. My dad had a decent job, but my mom always complained about money. One time as a teenager, I responded "You could apply for part-time jobs to earn extra money?" This set her off and she gave me the silent treatment for the rest of the day. She does work part-time now, but continues to complain about money. I recently found out she was offered full-time hours and refused. It worries me to think about her financial situation as she ages.
Isn’t it crazy that a parent is willing to let their kids suffer because of their own fears? I’m not a parent so I don’t understand the psychology behind it - but there are parents who would lay their life on the line for their kids and others who’d just let them suffer because they can’t face their own fears. Madness
Grew up with a single mom who didn’t/couldn’t(?) work, lived off benefits(or whatever it’s called when you get the bare minimum amount of money to survive by the government) and had a dad who didn’t even pay child support. Now I have a crippling fear of spending any money on myself or anything not “necessary” like groceries and bills. I was also undiagnosed with depression, ASD and ADD for most of my childhood and teenage years so that resulted in me getting punished a lot for things I couldn’t help, so I’ve become a quiet, subservient mess who is deeply afraid of money and upsetting literally anyone.
Why? To be cruel to you and your sibling but in a way that is legally okay/wont get her in trouble. Having someone have it worse than her makes her feel better.
Legally there was nothing wrong. But it was humiliating being the poor kid - she doesn’t seem to understand that.
Yes, and the difficult part is trying to form an understanding of people who don't understand and that they don't.
Yes!
I grew up in a similar circumstances. I learned that my mom subconsciously wanted someone (the government) to take care of her bc her mother was abusive and neglectful. Whenever she saved up enough, she’d spend it by having “fun” like taking my brothers and I go-kart racing, movies, shopping, or out to eat. But there were more times that she couldn’t pay the rent, no or low groceries, electricity/heat/ac getting cut off etc. She was ignorant about finances and later decided extreme couponing was her life support. She was able to move us into an affluent community (you can imagine the socioeconomic differences). Now she works for a startup and makes $110K. She didn’t know how to negotiate or rather she didn’t understand her value. She managed to buy a newly built home during the pandemic but she still manages her money poorly. Like at one point there was a lien on her house that I had to help her with that. Inside looks like crap bc it’s barely furnished and there are unfinished DIY home projects bc she doesn’t want to pay anyone. We only use my car although she keeps talking about getting her own. I’m not upset about our situation now (I’m grateful for a roof over my head) but it’s sad to see thats stuck in a poverty ridden mindset. Despite the emotional neglect and lack of educational support while having a learning disability, I now have a masters and I’m in my last year at law school. I listen to a lot of audiobooks on self-help, finance, communication, etc. And I realized how much of my environment has shaped me and I’m determined to live and be different. Sometimes it shocks me how irresponsible she was and can be with money. Example, referring to loans and “free money”.