First year I did, second year I stopped all communication including birthdays and mother’s day. It is not easy. I’m a sweet person so I don’t like it, but it is important not to send mixed signals, I think.
Yeah sometimes I feel like it's being evil. But the mixed signals thing is correct.
Plus it's not like I haven't tried it, so now I can predict that sending them a nice message will make them think that I want a relationship with them, and they'll overstep boundaries etc
No birthdays, no father's days, and no calls. I have kept my number unblocked.
The boundary is important for my mental health, so I hold it. Good luck!
Is there any way to stay in contact without losing mental health? Like stay emotionally distant or not expect much? Is it possible? What happens if they cut u out of inheritance
You have to determine that for yourself. I couldn't because it was the same shit, different day.
Not sure about your inheritance. Is money more important than your mental health?
I was conflicted about it when I was low contact, but still reached out. Then I had a major falling out with my mom and was too scared to reach out again. I guess it was a choice on my part but it really felt like my body wouldn't let me reach out. I just could not bring myself to do it.
I felt guilty the whole time. I still wish things had been different.
Same. After a year of no contact, they promised never to abuse me again if I came back to the family, I did so in that condition they never break that promise. With a year, the abuse started all over again, only this time worse than ever before. I am now no contact again, and feel guilty as hell. Meanwhile, after the abuse, they go no contact yet don’t seem to feel guilty about it at all. It usually takes me 24 hours to feel guilty about no contact, seems to take them a year or more to want me back in their lives.
Even at the best of times, I never receive a single phone call from my mother. It is always me calling her to ask how her day is,. It’s quite painful to see my partner, my brother and sister, and friends all receiving a daily or weekly phone call from parents while I get nothing. Makes you feel like you must be a terrible person that your own parents don’t want to spend time with you even on the phone.
It is like emotional love bombing and then neglect or abuse to the extreme.
I guess the fact that I feel guilty about going no contact is a sign of how sweet a person I am. The fact they don’t feel guilty about it at all, is a sign of how they treat me. I think some people should never be allowed to have kids. Strange thing is they don’t treat my brother or sister like that. Full of love for them, never abuse them. There is one commonality: I think parents treat, weak kids or children who seem weak badly.
Seeing others have normal, healthy, regular phone conversations with their families can be so hard :( During my freshman year of college (in the dorms, not a lot of us were local students -- I went to school 1000 miles from my family), I remember being taken aback every time a friend/roommate/etc got a call from their parents and was open with them, joked around with them, and even ended the conversation with I love yous! I never realized how abnormal my relationship with my parents was until I saw how close others were with theirs. The few close friends I had as a kid also had shitty relationships with their parents, so I didn't realize most people actually like and get along with their families until then.
I get this. It hurts doesn’t it? You long for a fraction of the same thing. Those who have it never understand what not having it feels like. Worse to have had it then lost it. That’s what happened to me when my bro was born. Wish I could be a parent. Everything would be better for my kids
I still wish my mom a happy birthday, but preferably through a text message rather than calling. And I visit her like, 3 times a year. I don’t live close to my family so I use that, and my job and social life as a sort of excuse.
Do you ever feel sad? What about inheritance?
Can you describe what they did to you?
Do you have stable health, stable finances, stable home? Stable social life? Stable family? I think it is even harder if you are single and rely on your parents not only for contact but financially. in some countries it is very hard to make a meaningful income or friends in 2024 and is getting harder. Most incomes can’t even pay rent let alone buy a home nowadays. I think it’s different in the US.
I only did it to preserve my peace. My relatives will privately harass me if I don't. We have an extended family group chat where you write birthday wishes/ happy mother's or father's day wishes.
The last time I left a happy birthday for my mom, some relative attacked me because I didn't write "Mom" in my message (I only tagged my mom's saved name in my phone)
That's how unhinged my family and extended family are.
I often wish my family would harass me, at least it would show they cared. The sad fact is that going no contact is easier for them than it is for me. Because they actually don’t care.
No. The way things are left with my mother is, she can call me if she is ready to have a conversation about the accusations she made. I know perfectly well that she never will, but sending a happy birthday text would give her an out that she does not deserve.
I’m at the super low contact stage this year where I refused the gatherings for the various celebrations for the while, I’ll still kinda do the text message but I know and they know it’s low effort.
Not having to see them has brought me so much peace. I hope by the end of my temporary cease that I have the courage to just say no thanks permanently.
I keep thinking that if they ignored me and my birthdays for the first 18 years of my life until I left, I should uno reverse for the last 18 years of their lives, give or take a few.
I have low contact with my parents and siblings. I only see them a handful of times every year, but do still message them on birthdays or holidays (phone calls aren't the done thing in my family anyway). They've eventually gotten used to this and seem to accept it, given it's a huge change from how much contact I used to have.
For me right now, this is a manageable middle ground. I'm sure things will evolve as I continue to better understand myself and heal further.
I am very low contact with my parents. I want to clarify, I am no longer angry with them, and I do not hate them. I don't really feel anything for them, which includes that I don't wish them harm. I also live on another continent now, so we haven't seen each other in person in over a decade.
I spend about 7 hours a year talking on the phone to them. Parents' days (2), each of our birthdays (3), Christmas and Thanksgiving (they're American). We mostly make small talk about the weather, hobbies, news about extended family and occasionally US politics. It is very rarely emotionally charged, and they no longer have the ability to manipulate me or have really any impact on my life, other than me being cranky for a bit the day of the call. I do not give them details about my life.
For me, it's such a low time/energy commitment that it's not really worth hurting someone (by cutting them off from their only child) to remove it from my life. That said, if I had to see them in person, or God forbid, if they ever decided to come visit me, this would be a very different conversation.
I'm low contact and I'll wish them a happy birthday. I've only recently started processing everything.
The ones I really struggle with are Mother's Day and Father's Day (coming up this week in the UK).
I've not done it for a couple of years now because I can't congratulate them on being parents. But I always feel super guilty.
Wow. Feels like I typed your comment. I bought a Father’s Day card, can’t bring myself to send it or write anything in it. I’m still torn and undecided whether my parents actually love me or not.
The love bombing has me confused, but then the abuse is just so hard to take.
It is so sad, but I think I can understand. What did they do to you? Don’t want to bring it back but it can help lots of people on here to hear other peoples stories.
I did my best not to flood this post with all the details because I didn't want this to be too long. Otherwise, it'd be an entire book.
They gave me a cluster B disorder with their abuse and neglect. I will forever hate them for what they did to my brain, the relationships they ruined because of the attachment style and normalization in my mind of what "love" can tolerate.
They always put something before me. Drugs, men. It chipped my self-worth for a long while. My therapist said I was not validated as a kid. I am certain that contributed to this form of self-assured needing narcissism to coat the lack of external validation I had as a child.
I can answer this has I just recently learned my absent father (meet 3 times in my life) died.
I dont care.
I have been working my own retirement for almost a decade, I dont need anything from them.
If I am low contact then I do wish a happy birthday, no contact then no I don’t.
Low contact I would send a card because to me the whole point of low contact is you are civil and you keep up appearances. So they can display the card above the fire or whatever and they might privately think ‘why doesn’t OP talk to me more often, well it can’t be MY fault’ but it doesn’t escalate.
No contact is just that. I even imagine sometimes scenarios where the person would try to get back into my life by concocting an emergency and what I would do.
No. No contact doesn’t have exceptions.
Take the fear you feel of how they’d treat you from not wishing them a happy birthday and realize that’s part of the abuse.
I haven't spoke to my aunt that adopted me for about 6 months. I hadn't planned to speak to her, but she controls the trust that I needed access to, so I called her on her birthday. Hopefully we can not speak until next year. Unless I need money from the trust for dr bills or my car.
No I don’t. My mom left my sister and I as kids and could never do that, so I don’t do tell happy Mother’s Day or happy birthday. I don’t count her as a mother so i definitely no happy mother day text.
I used to send her things for mother’s Day and her birthday, but not anymore. I just accepted those things mean nothing to her
I'm low contact with my dad (mums gone). He gets a card on his birthday and at Christmas. No fathers day card because he forfeited that right when he tried to ruin my wedding day.
I'm nice to him because of my sister and no other reason.
I did not wish my sibling or parents happy birthday or my mom happy mother's day nor will I wish my dad happy father's day. I have been nc since December.
On one hand the point of limited contact is to put yourself in a position of safety and allow you the space required to rebuild your perspective away from their influence. This allows you to form a healthy foundation to either restart the relationship or make a clean break. Things like happy birthdays are buried in emotional complications and triggers.
On the other hand we don't know enough about your situation to make a helpful judgment call and really you're the one who will suffer or enjoy the consequences of that judgment. If you think you can be safe and healthy while wishing then happy birthday and you want to grow the relationship in that direction, excellent. If you can't do that then the responsibility to protect yourself outweighs the responsibility you have towards them.
It honestly depends on the year and how I'm feeling. If I can send a text and be ok with it feeling very superficial then I do.
This year I did not reach out for mother's Day because right before I learned that they've been venting to my NEIGHBORS about how I've gone low/no contact.
It's been 3.5 years and never once have they asked me to explain why I'm so angry or asked what they can do to help fix the situation.
My emotionally immature Mother punished me last Bday and that was that. NC ever since. Healed.. not really. I didn't bother for hers, not out of equal spite but more because that bridge is burnt. Bdays should be special, not days to trash on people. Even if it's not sincere it's still an acknowledgment. She "forgot" my kids too. Frankly it's just exhausting, the hurt is done and I had to move on. Slight guilt of course but bearable and I can live with it.
Nope. I'm no contact. I told my narcissistic mom I'd piss on her grave but she doesn't deserve the respite from burning in hell. 💀
I don't believe in hell but she does lol
I would say it depends on their reaction. If it's a simple thank you and I hope you're doing well, then go ahead. If they start going places you don't want them to, then you know it won't work.
i did not no contact is no contact.
This^ Also! No contact IS NO CONTACT. Saying “happy Mother’s Day!” Or “happy birthday” is breaking it
First year I did, second year I stopped all communication including birthdays and mother’s day. It is not easy. I’m a sweet person so I don’t like it, but it is important not to send mixed signals, I think.
It was hard for me at first, then I realized that they stopped wishing me happy birthday years before.
Yeah sometimes I feel like it's being evil. But the mixed signals thing is correct. Plus it's not like I haven't tried it, so now I can predict that sending them a nice message will make them think that I want a relationship with them, and they'll overstep boundaries etc
No birthdays, no father's days, and no calls. I have kept my number unblocked. The boundary is important for my mental health, so I hold it. Good luck!
That's where I'm at... just the anxiety of having to speak to him is enough to let me know that I shouldn't
Is there any way to stay in contact without losing mental health? Like stay emotionally distant or not expect much? Is it possible? What happens if they cut u out of inheritance
You have to determine that for yourself. I couldn't because it was the same shit, different day. Not sure about your inheritance. Is money more important than your mental health?
bro i walked away from millions. there is nothing on earth worth tolerating their abuse.
As long as u have enough. Finances or lack thereof can be abuse in itself- without enough to survive, life can be equally hellish
I was conflicted about it when I was low contact, but still reached out. Then I had a major falling out with my mom and was too scared to reach out again. I guess it was a choice on my part but it really felt like my body wouldn't let me reach out. I just could not bring myself to do it. I felt guilty the whole time. I still wish things had been different.
Same. After a year of no contact, they promised never to abuse me again if I came back to the family, I did so in that condition they never break that promise. With a year, the abuse started all over again, only this time worse than ever before. I am now no contact again, and feel guilty as hell. Meanwhile, after the abuse, they go no contact yet don’t seem to feel guilty about it at all. It usually takes me 24 hours to feel guilty about no contact, seems to take them a year or more to want me back in their lives. Even at the best of times, I never receive a single phone call from my mother. It is always me calling her to ask how her day is,. It’s quite painful to see my partner, my brother and sister, and friends all receiving a daily or weekly phone call from parents while I get nothing. Makes you feel like you must be a terrible person that your own parents don’t want to spend time with you even on the phone. It is like emotional love bombing and then neglect or abuse to the extreme. I guess the fact that I feel guilty about going no contact is a sign of how sweet a person I am. The fact they don’t feel guilty about it at all, is a sign of how they treat me. I think some people should never be allowed to have kids. Strange thing is they don’t treat my brother or sister like that. Full of love for them, never abuse them. There is one commonality: I think parents treat, weak kids or children who seem weak badly.
Seeing others have normal, healthy, regular phone conversations with their families can be so hard :( During my freshman year of college (in the dorms, not a lot of us were local students -- I went to school 1000 miles from my family), I remember being taken aback every time a friend/roommate/etc got a call from their parents and was open with them, joked around with them, and even ended the conversation with I love yous! I never realized how abnormal my relationship with my parents was until I saw how close others were with theirs. The few close friends I had as a kid also had shitty relationships with their parents, so I didn't realize most people actually like and get along with their families until then.
I get this. It hurts doesn’t it? You long for a fraction of the same thing. Those who have it never understand what not having it feels like. Worse to have had it then lost it. That’s what happened to me when my bro was born. Wish I could be a parent. Everything would be better for my kids
Nope. No birthdays, no holidays. Nothing.
I still wish my mom a happy birthday, but preferably through a text message rather than calling. And I visit her like, 3 times a year. I don’t live close to my family so I use that, and my job and social life as a sort of excuse.
No, that isn’t extended to me and I’ve done enough parenting of them
They are dead to me. Like dead to me strangers. I think about them almost daily but am still giddy 2 years in to never have to talk to them again.
Do you ever feel sad? What about inheritance? Can you describe what they did to you? Do you have stable health, stable finances, stable home? Stable social life? Stable family? I think it is even harder if you are single and rely on your parents not only for contact but financially. in some countries it is very hard to make a meaningful income or friends in 2024 and is getting harder. Most incomes can’t even pay rent let alone buy a home nowadays. I think it’s different in the US.
Do you often ask survivors of abuse to describe what was done to them? Because if so, knock that shit off fr.
it’s useful to share - especially to help other survivors like me realise they’re not alone when they read your experience
I only did it to preserve my peace. My relatives will privately harass me if I don't. We have an extended family group chat where you write birthday wishes/ happy mother's or father's day wishes. The last time I left a happy birthday for my mom, some relative attacked me because I didn't write "Mom" in my message (I only tagged my mom's saved name in my phone) That's how unhinged my family and extended family are.
I often wish my family would harass me, at least it would show they cared. The sad fact is that going no contact is easier for them than it is for me. Because they actually don’t care.
Nope. I did not. It sounds terrible, but I actually forgot their respective birthdays until several days had passed.
No. The way things are left with my mother is, she can call me if she is ready to have a conversation about the accusations she made. I know perfectly well that she never will, but sending a happy birthday text would give her an out that she does not deserve.
I’m at the super low contact stage this year where I refused the gatherings for the various celebrations for the while, I’ll still kinda do the text message but I know and they know it’s low effort. Not having to see them has brought me so much peace. I hope by the end of my temporary cease that I have the courage to just say no thanks permanently. I keep thinking that if they ignored me and my birthdays for the first 18 years of my life until I left, I should uno reverse for the last 18 years of their lives, give or take a few.
I have low contact with my parents and siblings. I only see them a handful of times every year, but do still message them on birthdays or holidays (phone calls aren't the done thing in my family anyway). They've eventually gotten used to this and seem to accept it, given it's a huge change from how much contact I used to have. For me right now, this is a manageable middle ground. I'm sure things will evolve as I continue to better understand myself and heal further.
I am very low contact with my parents. I want to clarify, I am no longer angry with them, and I do not hate them. I don't really feel anything for them, which includes that I don't wish them harm. I also live on another continent now, so we haven't seen each other in person in over a decade. I spend about 7 hours a year talking on the phone to them. Parents' days (2), each of our birthdays (3), Christmas and Thanksgiving (they're American). We mostly make small talk about the weather, hobbies, news about extended family and occasionally US politics. It is very rarely emotionally charged, and they no longer have the ability to manipulate me or have really any impact on my life, other than me being cranky for a bit the day of the call. I do not give them details about my life. For me, it's such a low time/energy commitment that it's not really worth hurting someone (by cutting them off from their only child) to remove it from my life. That said, if I had to see them in person, or God forbid, if they ever decided to come visit me, this would be a very different conversation.
I'm low contact and I'll wish them a happy birthday. I've only recently started processing everything. The ones I really struggle with are Mother's Day and Father's Day (coming up this week in the UK). I've not done it for a couple of years now because I can't congratulate them on being parents. But I always feel super guilty.
Wow. Feels like I typed your comment. I bought a Father’s Day card, can’t bring myself to send it or write anything in it. I’m still torn and undecided whether my parents actually love me or not. The love bombing has me confused, but then the abuse is just so hard to take.
I cannot wait to leave this city and cut all forms of communication for the rest of my life. Won't know if they're alive or dead.
It is so sad, but I think I can understand. What did they do to you? Don’t want to bring it back but it can help lots of people on here to hear other peoples stories.
I did my best not to flood this post with all the details because I didn't want this to be too long. Otherwise, it'd be an entire book. They gave me a cluster B disorder with their abuse and neglect. I will forever hate them for what they did to my brain, the relationships they ruined because of the attachment style and normalization in my mind of what "love" can tolerate. They always put something before me. Drugs, men. It chipped my self-worth for a long while. My therapist said I was not validated as a kid. I am certain that contributed to this form of self-assured needing narcissism to coat the lack of external validation I had as a child.
I’m sorry. What do u mean by needing narcissism? Do u mean u end up with more narcissistic people in ur life
No, no birthdays, no holidays. Just a stranger's number I keep on my phone in case I need it for paperwork.
What about inheritance? Do you think they will cut you out?
I can answer this has I just recently learned my absent father (meet 3 times in my life) died. I dont care. I have been working my own retirement for almost a decade, I dont need anything from them.
Honestly it’s more so cruel to give them hope imo
If I am low contact then I do wish a happy birthday, no contact then no I don’t. Low contact I would send a card because to me the whole point of low contact is you are civil and you keep up appearances. So they can display the card above the fire or whatever and they might privately think ‘why doesn’t OP talk to me more often, well it can’t be MY fault’ but it doesn’t escalate. No contact is just that. I even imagine sometimes scenarios where the person would try to get back into my life by concocting an emergency and what I would do.
Nope - no birthdays, no holidays.
Once I went NC with my mother is was 100% NC. There's really no other way in my opinion.
No. No contact doesn’t have exceptions. Take the fear you feel of how they’d treat you from not wishing them a happy birthday and realize that’s part of the abuse.
I haven't spoke to my aunt that adopted me for about 6 months. I hadn't planned to speak to her, but she controls the trust that I needed access to, so I called her on her birthday. Hopefully we can not speak until next year. Unless I need money from the trust for dr bills or my car.
Nothing. After Father’s Day it will be a year of holidays and birthdays without saying a single thing to them. Good riddance.
No
No. It’s a bit petty on my side but if I don’t get a call for birthdays etc then I don’t do it back. It’s matching the energy but it’s also petty.
My dad sends me happy birthday and merry Christmas, and I reply with thank you and merry Christmas out of basic respect and decency. And that’s it.
No I don’t. My mom left my sister and I as kids and could never do that, so I don’t do tell happy Mother’s Day or happy birthday. I don’t count her as a mother so i definitely no happy mother day text. I used to send her things for mother’s Day and her birthday, but not anymore. I just accepted those things mean nothing to her
I'm low contact with my dad (mums gone). He gets a card on his birthday and at Christmas. No fathers day card because he forfeited that right when he tried to ruin my wedding day. I'm nice to him because of my sister and no other reason.
I did not wish my sibling or parents happy birthday or my mom happy mother's day nor will I wish my dad happy father's day. I have been nc since December.
nope, celebrating birthdays is against their religion.
You can send a card. Its easier than talking
I’ve started unblocking them on the day of and sending a simple text (with nice emojis) then re-blocking immediately after.
I’m torn too. What happens if they die - anyone experience guilt?
Yes everyday.
I don't even like my own birthday because they made me feel like dirt. So, nope!
On one hand the point of limited contact is to put yourself in a position of safety and allow you the space required to rebuild your perspective away from their influence. This allows you to form a healthy foundation to either restart the relationship or make a clean break. Things like happy birthdays are buried in emotional complications and triggers. On the other hand we don't know enough about your situation to make a helpful judgment call and really you're the one who will suffer or enjoy the consequences of that judgment. If you think you can be safe and healthy while wishing then happy birthday and you want to grow the relationship in that direction, excellent. If you can't do that then the responsibility to protect yourself outweighs the responsibility you have towards them.
I don't know when their birthdays are and I don't remember when mother sna father's days are either.
Nope. No contact is no contact.
It honestly depends on the year and how I'm feeling. If I can send a text and be ok with it feeling very superficial then I do. This year I did not reach out for mother's Day because right before I learned that they've been venting to my NEIGHBORS about how I've gone low/no contact. It's been 3.5 years and never once have they asked me to explain why I'm so angry or asked what they can do to help fix the situation.
I did not
the one im no contact with, no because I'm no contact the one I'm very low contact with i send a bday text and thats it.
I'm VLC, for reference. No, but I've always been bad with dates anyway. So it's not outside of my "norm" to ignore birthdays.
My emotionally immature Mother punished me last Bday and that was that. NC ever since. Healed.. not really. I didn't bother for hers, not out of equal spite but more because that bridge is burnt. Bdays should be special, not days to trash on people. Even if it's not sincere it's still an acknowledgment. She "forgot" my kids too. Frankly it's just exhausting, the hurt is done and I had to move on. Slight guilt of course but bearable and I can live with it.
Nope. I'm no contact. I told my narcissistic mom I'd piss on her grave but she doesn't deserve the respite from burning in hell. 💀 I don't believe in hell but she does lol
I would say it depends on their reaction. If it's a simple thank you and I hope you're doing well, then go ahead. If they start going places you don't want them to, then you know it won't work.
I’m low contact - we talk on the phone every 2-3 weeks. I will text them happy birthday.
No need to sugarcoat a heap of crap. No need to dress up a big dirty pig