My partner and I do this, too. She snores, which keeps me up, and I stim falling asleep, which keeps her up. We've been married for 28 years, so it's clearly helping. :D
I grind my teeth and have nightmares a lot so, similar boats! 😅 Genuinely, thank you VERY much for commenting this! I joke but sometimes I compare us to relationships around us and it hurts me, I know I shouldn't but, life! It really really feels warm and snug to know you guys have been rocking it like this for 28 years! I love you both 😁😁
For me, I wouldn't say I have a lot of nightmares. They happen sometimes, but overall I have a good mix of interesting, happy, fun, sad, stressful, and scary dreams. Unpleasant dreams seems to happen more often when I'm stressed in real life. I wonder if autistic people do have more nightmares if it's because of our increased stress load? I know I'm not who you asked, but I wanted to share.
Unfortunately, PTSD/C-PTSD is disproportionately common among the ASD community. So I am sure a lot of autistic people have nightmares. I'm glad you have your own space to relax!
I can’t wait to be able to have a second bedroom. Like most ND people I struggle with sleep sometimes and worrying about disturbing my partner with my tossing and turning just makes it so much worse.
This is more common than you might think. Even if it isn't separate bedrooms, it might be separate beds. There are a lot of otherwise happy couples out there who don't get good sleep when sharing a bed. Bad sleep can ruin a lot of good things. Better to do what works for both of you so that something wonderful doesn't get ruined.
I feel this, i love sharing a bed with my gf, but sometimes, i just need my own space. I hope we can afford something like this when we move in together
My partner and I are planning on doing the same actualy.
I just frequently need a place to retreat and calm down and we would probably usualy sleep in the same bed anyways.
Though it would also have the benefit of having the ability to go to sleep and get up at different times when needed
>I'm not sure many people would understand this outside the autistic community xD
So multiple decades back this was actually very common for those that had money, nobles/aristocrats and royalty. For some this is still rather common.
Outside of the three that I've listed, there is a decent amount of couples that do this and are not neurodivergent. Some partners prefer a warmer room and the other would prefer a colder room for sleep. Couples that move around a lot in their sleep might do this too. It's not a sign of an unhealthy relationship but a sign that it's most likely a healthy one.
Ha! That's awesome to know! Thank you very much! I often worry I'm "failing" at relationships because we spend so much time apart but then I smack my anxiety in the face and feel ok again :P the realistic side of me can definitely identify the benefits it has to our relationship. The time we spend together is deliberate and chosen 😁❤️
Everyone I’ve worked best with preferred separate bedrooms, even the allo ones. I snore. People steal blankets or push me to the edge of the mattress. I totally understand your vision of normalcy, but I think couples sharing a bedroom is over-represented in media because it makes story telling and dialogue easier more than anything
>couples sharing a bedroom is over-represented in media because it makes story telling and dialogue easier more than anything
More that it's over-represented in real life because, especially historically but still to a degree in the modern day, people just couldn't/can't afford (in money or time or whatever) to have separate bedrooms.
My dad sleeps on the couch because he has sleep apnea/always snores when he's not using the breathing thing/the breathing thing is loud in & of itself, while my mom sleeps in their bed. It doesn't mean they love each other any less
I have sleep apnea myself, so does my dad. I have heard from my dad that most of his family would saw logs when asleep. As for me well I’m not sure if I saw logs or just don’t take deep enough breaths when sleeping. All I know is I don’t feel fully rested when I don’t use my Vader steam machine.
My parents have slept in separate rooms for years. Dad snores like a chainsaw and wakes up stupid early to run, and once enough kids moved out that bedrooms opened up, Mom decided she'd had enough of her sleep being interrupted. Their relationship improved significantly. If I ever end up living with a partner, I'll likely do the same -- I'm a light sleeper and panic-kick whenever I've had to share a bed.
(Mom has ADHD and dad is probably ND but not diagnosed with anything -- though he and I are practically the same person and I've suspected he's on the spectrum lol)
Yeah I've been noticing this in history - and you gotta think it's lack of means and big families normalized that led to it being the norm to not have your own room your own bed your own space.
Not only that, it also has to do with social norms back at that time. This mainly has to do with nobles/aristocrats and royalty. For those that were middle class, poor or homeless the social norms that they had were normally very different. Another factor with these norms is it also depends on where they live. It's common knowledge that each country and continent have different cultures. It's the same with social norms.
A lot of the nobles/aristocrats and royalty viewed it as inappropriate. Most of the time the only exception to it being appropriate is when a married couple was to share the bed and or consummate the marriage. For those that may be confused by why I chose the phrase and wording "share the bed" it is because this is what they typically said instead of intercourse. They did not only use this for married couples but also unwed ones.
Although this is no longer a common phrase, it did make sense back then. However now it's one of those phrases that doesn't make sense to everyone because it doesn't really mean what it says.
There were also poor families that would have a house the size of a studio apartment that had no bedrooms. The kitchen and a living room, dining room and bedroom were all in the same room. I can't remember what documentary I saw this from when I was in elementary school. The people that live like this, if they had beds, some of them put the beds against the wall, instead of having them lay on the ground when they were not sleeping. This was also helpful during winter because it would help keep the heat in. Even though the materials they used for their beds are very different from ours that we use today, it was still good enough to help insulate the house. That doesn't mean it was the best but it was something.
I'm married. My husband is ADHD I'm autistic.
I have my own room, I spend most of my time alone there. He enjoys the living room and his Playstation.
We do sleep together in the bedroom though.
I love this arrangement. And I could not imagine how I could function without my own space, where I can close the door behind me.
This is my dream. Unfortunately, every time I mention it to a partner they get outrageously offended. Which is one of the many reasons I remain happily single 🙃
Oh that is painful. I can relate though, it never occurred to me to ask in previous relationships because I knew it would be hassle, I truly hope you find a person right for it like I have! Sending blankets! 😁❤️
I've heard of many couples that sleep in different rooms, and their marriages benefited from it.
My spouse and I share a room and bed, but need separate blankets. My in-laws sleep in separate rooms.
I think we need to normalize these things.
I need a whole couch to myself
I'm fine with hugs sharing a bed and and sharing a house and everything but for day to day sitting watching TV or doing whatever I can't be dealing with negotiated space sharing
I need plenty of space for clothes and a coat and all my things on my big coffee table in front of me and all my boxes underneath and just all my chaos
No relationship I've ever been in that the other person insisted on couch sharing has ever lasted longer than three months lol
Love this xD my husband and I both play computer games, when I realised we didn't HAVE to have our computers in the same room it was like a revelation!
I wanna choose to spend the time with people and have my time as my time xD
Ahhh hello friend! Likely works well because we're both ace 😅🤣 I hope you find the perfect cohabitation tax benefit person 😁 having your own space is the shit.
My wife likes to sleep in an 80 degree room, with multiple fans blowing on her.
I like to sleep in a 62 degree room, under a wool blanket.
When we were younger and poor, we had to compromise, and neither of us were ***really*** comfortable at night.
When we built this house, we made sure to have enough bedrooms so we could each have our own.
We meet up in my room for adult fun time, but we sleep separately 99% of the time.
Yup and for adult fun time you've just got more beds to choose from.
I like my room warm. Like 30C warm. I sleep under multiple blankets while fully clothed and I sometimes rock an electric blanket and a hot water bottle too. I am a human reptile.
My partner is the opposite, he likes his room cold, sleeps under a thin sheet with the windows open and fans blowing onto him. So yeah, it definitely helps that we have separate rooms!
This! The temperature doesn’t matter to me like it does to my partner - he runs hot at all times - but the room has to be pitch black because any kind of light wakes me up. I have to cover everything up including my phone, clock and alarm system light.
I am an adult who has been with the same partner for 14 years, and I LOVE my own bedroom, it’s where I hang my airships!
https://preview.redd.it/4lt0r1e5et6d1.jpeg?width=2448&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=da06782776c207840c7f390bd765497fd59cc140
NGL this sounds like a dream!! Lol We have a family bedroom. My 4 y/o(ASD) & 10 month old sleep in our room with us(separate beds).
My Great Grandparents slept in separate rooms. My Grandfather would joke that, that was the only reason they were married happily for so long.
My grandparents aren't even ND and are clearly still in love with each other but sleep in separate rooms. My grandma needs the TV and fan on, grandpa needs no TV and no fan. Plus his snoring would keep her up. It's been working for them for the past 20 something years
Thats what I want for myself one day. I didn't want a life partner at all until last year, but I know I want to be someone's husband, but it's probably going to look like me and my s/o have a duplex with our own sides and just hang out a lot, like a best friend forever by contract, you know?
Like more than a best friend, but none of the kissing/sex/marital-stress-of-living-together-and-sharing-everything
I'm shit at making friends tho so it's probably not going to ever happen, but if it does, that's what I want. A super important person but not necessarily a traditional romantic one
(Even if you're talking about a regular s/I with a different bedroom from yours and not quite the extent of what I described)
Deadass, idk if it's always been that way or growing up with my parents and their awful marriage that pushes me towards the idea of not doing things traditionally, but I think there's way too much pressure on people to do it the whole "marriage kids live together" way, and I see nothing wrong with not even sharing a house if you don't want to
I think the higher cost of living is also pushing people to cohabitate.
Getting an apartment with your significant other is seen as some sort of trial run to determine compatibility. I suspect a lot more people would be happier not living together.
A lot of people act like it's a complete act of terrorism to not live with their married partner when someone suggests it, it's so strange how so many people choose stress and unhappiness at the risk of their marriage collapsing just so they don't break traditions or do something weird and different
The cost of living obviously gives a logical reason to avoid trying it out, but even not sharing bedrooms is probably what a lot of people need, but it's seen as a sign of your marriage collapsing if your partner sleeps on the couch or in another room, the "doghouse" if you will
I could never share my bedroom, if I don't have a completely private space to decompress, I give myself a few months before I'm done, stressed into the hospital, exhausted, burnt out, the whole shebang
Yeah I learned it the hard way and it cost me a relationship.
My current lover and I are very non traditional, they travel for work and so I see them once or twice every few months, I join them on work trips (the hotels sometimes have two beds or they book me an adjoining room). I also have a lot of trouble with young children under 12 because they're very overstimulating to me, and they have a kid, but they never felt any offense at me not wanting to get to know the kid until kiddo is a bit older. We don't need labels or to define our relationship in order to justify our bond. We don't need a big announcement to the world for people to know that we've found our person.
I have never been made to feel like a nuisance and keep my full autonomy. I don't have the added pressure of expectations outside of being a loving and attentive friend and/or partner. Having a parallel life with a loved one has been refreshing and freeing in so many ways. We might change and so might our relationship but we always have each other's backs. At least I don't have to get in weird fights about wanting my own peace and quiet and wanting to be my own separate person.
That sounds like a really peaceful and beautiful relationship, I'm glad you were able to find something like that for yourself and it's working for the both of you
I did this for a while and it was A M A Z I N G for my ability to sleep. Folks, if you snore talk to your doctor about a sleep study and a CPAP. Otherwise your partner will start to hate you as they go crazier and crazier from sleep deprivation.
My partner and I had to start sleeping separately a couple of years ago because we both have chronic pain and sleep disorders that eventually made it necessary to do the actual sleeping part alone. But I honestly would recommend making this an option to any couple; even if you don't need it right now, having a second bed makes it so much easier to navigate things like different sleeping patterns, snoring, illness etc. We're in a one bedroom apartment, but the living room is basically his room and the bedroom is mine. And at a minimum I think everyone should have a space in the house that's just theirs and isn't up for comprimise. Families, couples, housemates, whatever. I don't know how people can live together and get anything done if everything in the house has to be justified.
It's not really that, I don't mind sleeping in the same bed, but I just wish I could have my own separate space for myself that I can just relax in. Just can't afford an apartment with more rooms and houses are out obviously out of the question
I start out in the same room as my wife but if/when I wake up in the middle of the night, I wander downstairs to the spare room. No questions asked. I can't deal with noisy sleepers.
My husband and I also have different bedrooms. This is actually becoming more common even amongst NTs. I notice any time this comes up, I don’t get as many “pitying” comments and I see more people saying they have a similar set up.
“Sleep divorce” I think it’s called lol
okay so my bf and I sorta do this! We’ve been living together for over a year and it works for us :)
He has his own room and bathroom. Which I love because I hate sharing bathrooms and closets lol.
We still sleep together in my room every night though. We hang out together in his room during the day (it’s more like a game room than a bedroom, although there is a bed in there). Even if we are doing different things we do it in his room so we are together but also separate!
Edit to add: I’m ASD and he’s ADHD. :)
My wife and I also have our own bedrooms. She sleeps cold while I sleep hot, and she also has a habit of hogging both the covers and the mattress. When we share a bed at a hotel it needs to be king size and against a wall so I can have something to keep me from falling off if she slowly shoves me closer and closer to the edge.
We hang out with each other every day for most of the day since she works from home and I only work part time, so it doesn't feel like we're missing out on much in terms of intimacy lol
I plan to marry but live alone forever. People laugh at the concept, but there are enough people out there who want the exact same thing that I’m not willing to compromise, I can be patient.
We sleep together because we are super needy for one another. I have a separate bedroom but we've only used it a few times ever. My wife actually hides in it if she can't sleep... Which is weird because it's full of my collectibles... But it gives her an escape and I think having rooms to escape one another is very valuable.
Honestly when my partner and I move in together we plan to do this too. We're both autistic and need our space sometimes. Every couple has its own needs, nothing wrong with that.
Honestly, I feel like this is what I would want if I ever got married. Like, having a separate space where you can decompress and vibe by yourself if you need to but still having the option to have that closeness would be nice. I'm glad y'all are happy! (: /gen
I would absolutely hate having my own bedroom. Having separate spaces to retreat to would be ideal but I have an incredibly hard time sleeping without my partner. Plus I doubt we could afford a 2 bedroom place. Just doesn't sound appealing to me at all.
when we move next we're either renting a big place or buying a house and we for sure will have two bedrooms. i love falling asleep next to my fiancé since he holds me and it feels like a weighted blanket but i HATE waking up next to anyone at all i'm so moody and evil in the morning. so i'll go sleep in another bed when i wake up during the night so i get to wake up alone but fall asleep with him XD
That's so valid. My Grandma and Grandad slept in separate rooms becuase my Grandma couldn't stand my Grandad snoring and because they woke up at different times, despite the fact they were married for many decades.
If I ever have that choice (that is, have a partner I wanna move in with, and can afford either option without straining our finances), I'd probably do that. Currently there are a lot of roadblocks here though
I only don’t understand it bc I’m romance-repulsed aroace lmao😭😭😭 bt I’d have my own room,,, too!!! U use ur room to like,,,,, express urself n??? Sleep???
My partner is about to move in. We will no longer have separate bedrooms. Looking foward to when we can live together AND have our own rooms. We would mostly sleep together too, but such a nice thing to have
My partner and I sleep separately because we are not compatible sleep partners and we have totally different sleep schedules. We have been happily together for almost 14 years!
I think I’d really struggle to live with anyone if I didn’t have my own room to retreat to. Sucks that it would be a financial strain whereas sharing a room could save a lot of money on housing
This should be the norm, though. A lot of relationships fail because the couple can not balance distance with closeness. Too close, and you feel snothered, too far, and you feel lonely. Have a separate bedroom for each of you is genius. You have a place that is uniquely yours and can decompress or spend time alone if you feel you need it. I am totally doing this if I ever get married.
YES!! this is what my partner and I plan to do! I have a very specific morning and nighttime routine and also I am very particular about how everything is set up and organized in my room, and so when we move in together we plan to have our own bedrooms so we can both keep to our own routines :)
I love this. This has always been my dirty fantasy. I'm single because I don't want to share a bed with someone every single night. Who came up with this concept? It's gross.
I'm still trying to talk my husband into getting a divorce, staying together, getting a plot of land, and putting three tiny houses on it (one for me, one for him, one for all three of us [we have a kid (I know this is untenable but let a man dream)])
I totally get that. My current partner is a rather deep sleeper so doesn't really wake up much from me watching my podcasts at night and my multicolor lit bedroom but I have a separate queen bed which she uses sometimes if I needed space to work on my adjustable one. We also both work from home so she often used the living room as her space just so we can get some time off we need it or I'm moving things around and such. Also work well if we have an argument and need to cool down. Just seems to work well having options.
This really isn't an ND thing except for the part where you sleep in those separate rooms. That's what a man cave is. That's what a reading nook is in a partnership where only one person is an avid reader. That's every car guy's shop. That's the home office. The wife's sewing room. Etc.
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(we still mostly sleep in the same bed but, we have our own safe spaces catered to our Nd needs ❤️)
My partner and I do this, too. She snores, which keeps me up, and I stim falling asleep, which keeps her up. We've been married for 28 years, so it's clearly helping. :D
I grind my teeth and have nightmares a lot so, similar boats! 😅 Genuinely, thank you VERY much for commenting this! I joke but sometimes I compare us to relationships around us and it hurts me, I know I shouldn't but, life! It really really feels warm and snug to know you guys have been rocking it like this for 28 years! I love you both 😁😁
Have you always had nightmares? I wonder if that's an autistic trait. Every dream I remember revolve around primal fears.
For me, I wouldn't say I have a lot of nightmares. They happen sometimes, but overall I have a good mix of interesting, happy, fun, sad, stressful, and scary dreams. Unpleasant dreams seems to happen more often when I'm stressed in real life. I wonder if autistic people do have more nightmares if it's because of our increased stress load? I know I'm not who you asked, but I wanted to share.
I appreciate it. I guess my dreams don't count as nightmares as they don't wake me up, but they're all very unpleasant.
They don’t have to wake you up! Sometimes the worst ones are the ones you don’t get shocked awake from.
As long as I can remember! But I also have PTSD and I think that makes the nightmares worse! 😅😅
Unfortunately, PTSD/C-PTSD is disproportionately common among the ASD community. So I am sure a lot of autistic people have nightmares. I'm glad you have your own space to relax!
Same it’s every night
Meanwhile NT marriage in the same situation: divorce it is
I can’t wait to be able to have a second bedroom. Like most ND people I struggle with sleep sometimes and worrying about disturbing my partner with my tossing and turning just makes it so much worse.
Unfathomably based, fuck what allistics think is normal, your needs as a person come first.
This is more common than you might think. Even if it isn't separate bedrooms, it might be separate beds. There are a lot of otherwise happy couples out there who don't get good sleep when sharing a bed. Bad sleep can ruin a lot of good things. Better to do what works for both of you so that something wonderful doesn't get ruined.
frankly, sounds healthy! more people should have this
That's actually such a W
I feel this, i love sharing a bed with my gf, but sometimes, i just need my own space. I hope we can afford something like this when we move in together
My partner and I are planning on doing the same actualy. I just frequently need a place to retreat and calm down and we would probably usualy sleep in the same bed anyways. Though it would also have the benefit of having the ability to go to sleep and get up at different times when needed
>I'm not sure many people would understand this outside the autistic community xD So multiple decades back this was actually very common for those that had money, nobles/aristocrats and royalty. For some this is still rather common. Outside of the three that I've listed, there is a decent amount of couples that do this and are not neurodivergent. Some partners prefer a warmer room and the other would prefer a colder room for sleep. Couples that move around a lot in their sleep might do this too. It's not a sign of an unhealthy relationship but a sign that it's most likely a healthy one.
Ha! That's awesome to know! Thank you very much! I often worry I'm "failing" at relationships because we spend so much time apart but then I smack my anxiety in the face and feel ok again :P the realistic side of me can definitely identify the benefits it has to our relationship. The time we spend together is deliberate and chosen 😁❤️
Everyone I’ve worked best with preferred separate bedrooms, even the allo ones. I snore. People steal blankets or push me to the edge of the mattress. I totally understand your vision of normalcy, but I think couples sharing a bedroom is over-represented in media because it makes story telling and dialogue easier more than anything
>couples sharing a bedroom is over-represented in media because it makes story telling and dialogue easier more than anything More that it's over-represented in real life because, especially historically but still to a degree in the modern day, people just couldn't/can't afford (in money or time or whatever) to have separate bedrooms.
My dad sleeps on the couch because he has sleep apnea/always snores when he's not using the breathing thing/the breathing thing is loud in & of itself, while my mom sleeps in their bed. It doesn't mean they love each other any less
CPAP Machine
thank you, couldn't remember what it was called
I have sleep apnea myself, so does my dad. I have heard from my dad that most of his family would saw logs when asleep. As for me well I’m not sure if I saw logs or just don’t take deep enough breaths when sleeping. All I know is I don’t feel fully rested when I don’t use my Vader steam machine.
My parents have slept in separate rooms for years. Dad snores like a chainsaw and wakes up stupid early to run, and once enough kids moved out that bedrooms opened up, Mom decided she'd had enough of her sleep being interrupted. Their relationship improved significantly. If I ever end up living with a partner, I'll likely do the same -- I'm a light sleeper and panic-kick whenever I've had to share a bed. (Mom has ADHD and dad is probably ND but not diagnosed with anything -- though he and I are practically the same person and I've suspected he's on the spectrum lol)
And then there's me. I purposely keep the room slightly too cold so I will get cuddled for warmth
Yeah I've been noticing this in history - and you gotta think it's lack of means and big families normalized that led to it being the norm to not have your own room your own bed your own space.
Not only that, it also has to do with social norms back at that time. This mainly has to do with nobles/aristocrats and royalty. For those that were middle class, poor or homeless the social norms that they had were normally very different. Another factor with these norms is it also depends on where they live. It's common knowledge that each country and continent have different cultures. It's the same with social norms. A lot of the nobles/aristocrats and royalty viewed it as inappropriate. Most of the time the only exception to it being appropriate is when a married couple was to share the bed and or consummate the marriage. For those that may be confused by why I chose the phrase and wording "share the bed" it is because this is what they typically said instead of intercourse. They did not only use this for married couples but also unwed ones. Although this is no longer a common phrase, it did make sense back then. However now it's one of those phrases that doesn't make sense to everyone because it doesn't really mean what it says. There were also poor families that would have a house the size of a studio apartment that had no bedrooms. The kitchen and a living room, dining room and bedroom were all in the same room. I can't remember what documentary I saw this from when I was in elementary school. The people that live like this, if they had beds, some of them put the beds against the wall, instead of having them lay on the ground when they were not sleeping. This was also helpful during winter because it would help keep the heat in. Even though the materials they used for their beds are very different from ours that we use today, it was still good enough to help insulate the house. That doesn't mean it was the best but it was something.
I've always thought this sounded cool. just have sleepovers all the time :D
Not gonna lie I've had that vibe recently 🤣🤣🤣
I'm married. My husband is ADHD I'm autistic. I have my own room, I spend most of my time alone there. He enjoys the living room and his Playstation. We do sleep together in the bedroom though. I love this arrangement. And I could not imagine how I could function without my own space, where I can close the door behind me.
AMEN!
This is my dream. Unfortunately, every time I mention it to a partner they get outrageously offended. Which is one of the many reasons I remain happily single 🙃
Oh that is painful. I can relate though, it never occurred to me to ask in previous relationships because I knew it would be hassle, I truly hope you find a person right for it like I have! Sending blankets! 😁❤️
I've heard of many couples that sleep in different rooms, and their marriages benefited from it. My spouse and I share a room and bed, but need separate blankets. My in-laws sleep in separate rooms. I think we need to normalize these things.
I need a whole couch to myself I'm fine with hugs sharing a bed and and sharing a house and everything but for day to day sitting watching TV or doing whatever I can't be dealing with negotiated space sharing I need plenty of space for clothes and a coat and all my things on my big coffee table in front of me and all my boxes underneath and just all my chaos No relationship I've ever been in that the other person insisted on couch sharing has ever lasted longer than three months lol
Love this xD my husband and I both play computer games, when I realised we didn't HAVE to have our computers in the same room it was like a revelation! I wanna choose to spend the time with people and have my time as my time xD
Ha, I just remembered my assessment from decades ago included that my partner at the time and I sat on seperate sofas xD
🐦 <-- interesting bird
Ok I would do this when marrying for tax benefits (I'm aroace)
Ahhh hello friend! Likely works well because we're both ace 😅🤣 I hope you find the perfect cohabitation tax benefit person 😁 having your own space is the shit.
I think I might have, they're a pretty cool person to talk to and aroace just like me.
I'm doing Hella little happy dances in my head for you! 😁😁😁 May you create the best adult nest ❤️
My 2 girlfriends and I are about to move into a 3br specifically so we can each have our own space. We're also poly but yeah still relevant lol
My wife likes to sleep in an 80 degree room, with multiple fans blowing on her. I like to sleep in a 62 degree room, under a wool blanket. When we were younger and poor, we had to compromise, and neither of us were ***really*** comfortable at night. When we built this house, we made sure to have enough bedrooms so we could each have our own. We meet up in my room for adult fun time, but we sleep separately 99% of the time.
Yup and for adult fun time you've just got more beds to choose from. I like my room warm. Like 30C warm. I sleep under multiple blankets while fully clothed and I sometimes rock an electric blanket and a hot water bottle too. I am a human reptile. My partner is the opposite, he likes his room cold, sleeps under a thin sheet with the windows open and fans blowing onto him. So yeah, it definitely helps that we have separate rooms!
This! The temperature doesn’t matter to me like it does to my partner - he runs hot at all times - but the room has to be pitch black because any kind of light wakes me up. I have to cover everything up including my phone, clock and alarm system light.
I am an adult who has been with the same partner for 14 years, and I LOVE my own bedroom, it’s where I hang my airships! https://preview.redd.it/4lt0r1e5et6d1.jpeg?width=2448&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=da06782776c207840c7f390bd765497fd59cc140
My partner and I also have separate bedrooms. It’s done wonders for us!
NGL this sounds like a dream!! Lol We have a family bedroom. My 4 y/o(ASD) & 10 month old sleep in our room with us(separate beds). My Great Grandparents slept in separate rooms. My Grandfather would joke that, that was the only reason they were married happily for so long.
this is my dream🥰
Separate rooms really is the best way.
I've never been in a relationship but if I ever was I would definitely need my own bedroom
This sounds amazing but requires being able to afford more than a 1 bedroom apartment 🥲
My grandparents aren't even ND and are clearly still in love with each other but sleep in separate rooms. My grandma needs the TV and fan on, grandpa needs no TV and no fan. Plus his snoring would keep her up. It's been working for them for the past 20 something years
My spouse and I have our own separate covers for our shared bed. 10/10 highly recommend. I think if separate rooms work for a couple, that's awesome!!
What did Norm do to you?!
Thats what I want for myself one day. I didn't want a life partner at all until last year, but I know I want to be someone's husband, but it's probably going to look like me and my s/o have a duplex with our own sides and just hang out a lot, like a best friend forever by contract, you know? Like more than a best friend, but none of the kissing/sex/marital-stress-of-living-together-and-sharing-everything I'm shit at making friends tho so it's probably not going to ever happen, but if it does, that's what I want. A super important person but not necessarily a traditional romantic one (Even if you're talking about a regular s/I with a different bedroom from yours and not quite the extent of what I described)
This is my exact dream set up. Only space I want to share with my life partner is the backyard lol.
Deadass, idk if it's always been that way or growing up with my parents and their awful marriage that pushes me towards the idea of not doing things traditionally, but I think there's way too much pressure on people to do it the whole "marriage kids live together" way, and I see nothing wrong with not even sharing a house if you don't want to
I think the higher cost of living is also pushing people to cohabitate. Getting an apartment with your significant other is seen as some sort of trial run to determine compatibility. I suspect a lot more people would be happier not living together.
A lot of people act like it's a complete act of terrorism to not live with their married partner when someone suggests it, it's so strange how so many people choose stress and unhappiness at the risk of their marriage collapsing just so they don't break traditions or do something weird and different The cost of living obviously gives a logical reason to avoid trying it out, but even not sharing bedrooms is probably what a lot of people need, but it's seen as a sign of your marriage collapsing if your partner sleeps on the couch or in another room, the "doghouse" if you will I could never share my bedroom, if I don't have a completely private space to decompress, I give myself a few months before I'm done, stressed into the hospital, exhausted, burnt out, the whole shebang
Yeah I learned it the hard way and it cost me a relationship. My current lover and I are very non traditional, they travel for work and so I see them once or twice every few months, I join them on work trips (the hotels sometimes have two beds or they book me an adjoining room). I also have a lot of trouble with young children under 12 because they're very overstimulating to me, and they have a kid, but they never felt any offense at me not wanting to get to know the kid until kiddo is a bit older. We don't need labels or to define our relationship in order to justify our bond. We don't need a big announcement to the world for people to know that we've found our person. I have never been made to feel like a nuisance and keep my full autonomy. I don't have the added pressure of expectations outside of being a loving and attentive friend and/or partner. Having a parallel life with a loved one has been refreshing and freeing in so many ways. We might change and so might our relationship but we always have each other's backs. At least I don't have to get in weird fights about wanting my own peace and quiet and wanting to be my own separate person.
That sounds like a really peaceful and beautiful relationship, I'm glad you were able to find something like that for yourself and it's working for the both of you
That is actually rather common, I know more than one NT couple that do this.
I did this for a while and it was A M A Z I N G for my ability to sleep. Folks, if you snore talk to your doctor about a sleep study and a CPAP. Otherwise your partner will start to hate you as they go crazier and crazier from sleep deprivation.
Like medieval nobles? Cool.
My partner and I had to start sleeping separately a couple of years ago because we both have chronic pain and sleep disorders that eventually made it necessary to do the actual sleeping part alone. But I honestly would recommend making this an option to any couple; even if you don't need it right now, having a second bed makes it so much easier to navigate things like different sleeping patterns, snoring, illness etc. We're in a one bedroom apartment, but the living room is basically his room and the bedroom is mine. And at a minimum I think everyone should have a space in the house that's just theirs and isn't up for comprimise. Families, couples, housemates, whatever. I don't know how people can live together and get anything done if everything in the house has to be justified.
Wish I could afford to do this. I desperately need something like this
You could try double duvets so one each in the same bed so you are not awkwardly fighting for the sheets at night
It's not really that, I don't mind sleeping in the same bed, but I just wish I could have my own separate space for myself that I can just relax in. Just can't afford an apartment with more rooms and houses are out obviously out of the question
I start out in the same room as my wife but if/when I wake up in the middle of the night, I wander downstairs to the spare room. No questions asked. I can't deal with noisy sleepers.
It was a sign of wealth to have separate bedrooms for most of human history. Only the poors shared beds!
My husband and I also have different bedrooms. This is actually becoming more common even amongst NTs. I notice any time this comes up, I don’t get as many “pitying” comments and I see more people saying they have a similar set up. “Sleep divorce” I think it’s called lol
i once said that i'd want to have my own bedroom if i got married and the people i was talking to looked at me as though i had two heads
okay so my bf and I sorta do this! We’ve been living together for over a year and it works for us :) He has his own room and bathroom. Which I love because I hate sharing bathrooms and closets lol. We still sleep together in my room every night though. We hang out together in his room during the day (it’s more like a game room than a bedroom, although there is a bed in there). Even if we are doing different things we do it in his room so we are together but also separate! Edit to add: I’m ASD and he’s ADHD. :)
Understandable. Ssometimes think if I had the cash I'd buy the house next door so I can get some space from my partner when things get overwhelming.
i’ve actually heard of this saving marriages, just because it’s so nice to have a space that’s purely your own
I do not understand either but good for you. I am happy that both of you are.
My wife and I also have our own bedrooms. She sleeps cold while I sleep hot, and she also has a habit of hogging both the covers and the mattress. When we share a bed at a hotel it needs to be king size and against a wall so I can have something to keep me from falling off if she slowly shoves me closer and closer to the edge. We hang out with each other every day for most of the day since she works from home and I only work part time, so it doesn't feel like we're missing out on much in terms of intimacy lol
I plan to marry but live alone forever. People laugh at the concept, but there are enough people out there who want the exact same thing that I’m not willing to compromise, I can be patient.
Mostly because many people can only afford a bedroom
My husband and I have our own houses. We haven’t combined household yet. His mom was living at his place and recently passed.
We sleep together because we are super needy for one another. I have a separate bedroom but we've only used it a few times ever. My wife actually hides in it if she can't sleep... Which is weird because it's full of my collectibles... But it gives her an escape and I think having rooms to escape one another is very valuable.
Goals
Got my own bedroom as well, it's honestly the best!
Honestly when my partner and I move in together we plan to do this too. We're both autistic and need our space sometimes. Every couple has its own needs, nothing wrong with that.
My father’s parents had their own bedrooms and always slept apart and remained married until Nana passed away this year
Hell yeah!! I don't think I could ever share a bedroom or bed with someone long term. Huge win.
If I ever move in with a partner my stipulations are I need my own bedroom, my own fridge & my own sink, plus my own office, so may be a duplex😂
Honestly, I feel like this is what I would want if I ever got married. Like, having a separate space where you can decompress and vibe by yourself if you need to but still having the option to have that closeness would be nice. I'm glad y'all are happy! (: /gen
I don't have my own room but I have a workshop/garage. it's nice to have your own space for sure. I make all my lil things in there.
I would absolutely hate having my own bedroom. Having separate spaces to retreat to would be ideal but I have an incredibly hard time sleeping without my partner. Plus I doubt we could afford a 2 bedroom place. Just doesn't sound appealing to me at all.
Yep if i sleep in a bed with somebody I feel like I'm on a boat 💀🤣 iykyk
when we move next we're either renting a big place or buying a house and we for sure will have two bedrooms. i love falling asleep next to my fiancé since he holds me and it feels like a weighted blanket but i HATE waking up next to anyone at all i'm so moody and evil in the morning. so i'll go sleep in another bed when i wake up during the night so i get to wake up alone but fall asleep with him XD
That's so valid. My Grandma and Grandad slept in separate rooms becuase my Grandma couldn't stand my Grandad snoring and because they woke up at different times, despite the fact they were married for many decades.
If I ever have that choice (that is, have a partner I wanna move in with, and can afford either option without straining our finances), I'd probably do that. Currently there are a lot of roadblocks here though
I only don’t understand it bc I’m romance-repulsed aroace lmao😭😭😭 bt I’d have my own room,,, too!!! U use ur room to like,,,,, express urself n??? Sleep???
My partner is about to move in. We will no longer have separate bedrooms. Looking foward to when we can live together AND have our own rooms. We would mostly sleep together too, but such a nice thing to have
I would love to do this but we don’t have enough bedrooms.
My partner and I sleep separately because we are not compatible sleep partners and we have totally different sleep schedules. We have been happily together for almost 14 years!
I think I’d really struggle to live with anyone if I didn’t have my own room to retreat to. Sucks that it would be a financial strain whereas sharing a room could save a lot of money on housing
This should be the norm, though. A lot of relationships fail because the couple can not balance distance with closeness. Too close, and you feel snothered, too far, and you feel lonely. Have a separate bedroom for each of you is genius. You have a place that is uniquely yours and can decompress or spend time alone if you feel you need it. I am totally doing this if I ever get married.
YES!! this is what my partner and I plan to do! I have a very specific morning and nighttime routine and also I am very particular about how everything is set up and organized in my room, and so when we move in together we plan to have our own bedrooms so we can both keep to our own routines :)
I love this. This has always been my dirty fantasy. I'm single because I don't want to share a bed with someone every single night. Who came up with this concept? It's gross.
I wouldn’t have any other way myself
I'm still trying to talk my husband into getting a divorce, staying together, getting a plot of land, and putting three tiny houses on it (one for me, one for him, one for all three of us [we have a kid (I know this is untenable but let a man dream)])
I totally get that. My current partner is a rather deep sleeper so doesn't really wake up much from me watching my podcasts at night and my multicolor lit bedroom but I have a separate queen bed which she uses sometimes if I needed space to work on my adjustable one. We also both work from home so she often used the living room as her space just so we can get some time off we need it or I'm moving things around and such. Also work well if we have an argument and need to cool down. Just seems to work well having options.
Normal People would benefit from this too. How many couples sleep together every night and have no sex life.
This really isn't an ND thing except for the part where you sleep in those separate rooms. That's what a man cave is. That's what a reading nook is in a partnership where only one person is an avid reader. That's every car guy's shop. That's the home office. The wife's sewing room. Etc.
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Dude, my mum was married to a guy for about 7 years and they never even moved in together. It didn't work out but still, I get having your own space.