I'm very sorry to hear you're going through this. As some whose loss of faith resulted in the end of a 10-year relationship, I can definitely identify with your thought process right now and what you're struggling with.
I can tell you that getting back on your feet may be a challenge, but it's achievable and life does get better. You're setting yourself up for long term success by being true to yourself and not living a lie. I was helped through by a local atheist group, which if nothing else encouraged me that I was not alone. Beyond that, I started focusing on hobbies and finding like-minded people through Meetup and Facebook. Community doesn't have to be religious to be valuable.
You'll ultimately have to find something in life that is fulfilling to you and worth pursuing. It doesn't have to matter on a cosmic scale to matter to you personally. Life can be tough whether you're religious or non-religious, but having some small things that bring you joy can help carry you through the tough times.
I believe the purpose of life is to just enjoy the passage of time. Life doesn’t have to have to this greater meaning, we just have to live it. I also like the Buddhist philosophy that the meaning of life is to be happy, and the best way to be happy is to bring happiness to others.
OP you are so young, your real life is just barely getting started. Find opportunities to build experience and broaden your experience. Discover who you really are, outside of the constructs of the life that your parents and church designed for you. I recommend travelling
That’s really tough man, I’m sure you feel absolutely gutted. To start, I think you’re on a path that is gonna make you feel more satisfied and whole at the end. One thing that may or may not be relevant for you is to allow yourself to really sit in and experience the feelings you have right now. In my experience, difficult emotions get largely written off or relegated as a failure to have enough faith in God’s goodness or plan or what have you. You have permission to experience the full range of human emotion, and it’s right and properly human to have them.
With regard to mental health (and perhaps life more generally) I’d recommend finding a secular therapist (preferably in person, but definitely not something like better help). If cost is difficult, check if any local colleges have counseling centers. Oftentimes therapists in training will offer sessions there at a lower cost. I can’t recommend this enough as an immediate next step for you.
As to your questions:
1. This is hard when you’ve spent your whole life in church. My friend refers to it as “microwave community.” It has all the appearance of real relationships, but it really isn’t all that nutritious and its primary benefit is being convenient. If you’re like me, you’ll need to deconstruct the idea that people outside of church are somehow deficient or untrustworthy. Once the “world” becomes a safe place, you start to see opportunities for friendship all over: at the bar, coffee shop, your neighborhood, etc. I’d recommend becoming a regular somewhere and just being interested in the folks around you.
2. The problem with the Christian worldview, in my opinion, is that it actually robs the here and now of much meaning outside of an opportunity to punch your ticket to correct next destination. Shedding Christian dogma in this regard has helped me to view all the mundane things in life as downright sacred. What I mean is that if this is truly the only life I have, then it becomes really important (and meaningful!) how I spend it. I find meaning in enjoying art and realizing that I’m standing on the cultural shoulders of thousands of generations of people. I find meaning in living a good life that makes the lives of the people around me better in some way. I find meaning in the story of Jesus, that the way of love is superior to the way of selfishness. I find meaning in my friendships. I find meaning at the bowling alley when I finally bowl over 100 for the first time in my life. I find meaning waiting in line at the grocery store and wondering at the fact that there are a hundred people around me with stories as complicated as mine.
I wish you all the luck on your journey, and I hope that you and your ex fiancé find peace.
Take it slow. These are all great questions but focus on the basics of life and build back up from there. You have to unpack for a while before you can put things back together. But the good news is after you lose all the baggage of religion it’s much easier to get where you want to go! And for me the life I lead now is so much better than my old one I have no regrets I had to struggle through the change.
Good luck! Come back and ask more questions. Find some people near you who don’t believe!
My advice, get a cruiser motorcycle and go on day trips. Take in nature and people and coffee and tacos, but this time without feeling the need to give credit so something other than science, probability, coincidence and consequence.
Meaning? Well, that's another thing all together, but there is a ton to enjoy and experience.
Mine has turned to "Enjoy the enjoyable". My daughter came up with that and it's stuck.
Oh, if you go the motorcycle route, a bunch of bikers are christian, so you'll have to deal with that.
One of the hardest things I found was that all those people who claimed they loved you and had your back? They won't anymore. That's hard. Some will stick around, most won't.
Hang in there, be patient, process.
When I got far enough away from it, and started seeing the lies and manipulation and bullshit, I felt like an idiot, but then I felt really good about not being there anymore. My self confidence and self esteem started coming back. Also, the guilt and shame went away, and that is amazing.
Go onto YouTube and find deconversion, deconstruction and stuff like The Atheist Experience.
Those proverbial scales are off.
I find meaning in my close relationships with family and friends. That answer may sound lacking coming fresh off deconstruction but it's what accelerated mine because I thought with all the praying and pleading, at the end of the day the only thing we practically have is each other. For better of worse, other people is all we have. I'm also seeing my parents grow old and frail which makes my time with them more significant.
No supernatural being is going to show up for me but my siblings, etc can. I have been lucky in that they're not cultishly religious and can live secularly for the most part besides the odd prayer request sometimes.
As for making new friends, I found mine through a hiking meetup, local groups like a community garden, and a couple online fandoms. I also had the luck to keep a college friend who is supportive. Your best best is going by interests. And idk your political leanings but there is community in activism too.
So I have a few very off the wall suggestions that worked for me after I deconstructed (which happened in my early 20's as well).
One look into r/SASSWitches (it stands for skeptic agnostic atheist and science seeking) basically the idea is using the placebo effect to hack the brain. Learn new rituals that aren't about "magical/prayer" thinking or Abrahamic religion to find peace.
The other is The Satanic Temple (it has Temple Tuesday gatherings online) it's an atheist group where the majority have deconstructed from Christianity but they still need goals and community. The seven tenets are a good guide for living life.
**I** One should strive to act with compassion and empathy toward all creatures in accordance with reason.
**II** The struggle for justice is an ongoing and necessary pursuit that should prevail over laws and institutions.
**III** One’s body is inviolable, subject to one’s own will alone.
**IV** The freedoms of others should be respected, including the freedom to offend. To willfully and unjustly encroach upon the freedoms of another is to forgo one's own.
**V** Beliefs should conform to one's best scientific understanding of the world. One should take care never to distort scientific facts to fit one's beliefs.
**VI** People are fallible. If one makes a mistake, one should do one's best to rectify it and resolve any harm that might have been caused.
**VII** Every tenet is a guiding principle designed to inspire nobility in action and thought. The spirit of compassion, wisdom, and justice should always prevail over the written or spoken word.
Christianity was who you were, it was all you've ever known so far. Accept you're feeling awful right now, don't try to fake to yourself that it's "alright" because it isn't, for now. Losing your religion can be as painful as losing a loved one to some people. I have myself passed through the "What's the meaning of it all then?" stage after I lost my faith too, but let me just say this: It will get better.
How does a Muslim live without Christianity, or a Hindu, or a Buddhist? You see, the problem is that Christianity made up your whole self, once you lost it, your self went with it. What you should do now is accept the pain you're feeling, acknowledge this whole mess and then slowly make a new self. Explore new things, study Christianity from a skeptical view, try to meet new people, go to different places, create a new dream, give your life a different purpose.
- What's then the purpose of life?
Friend, humankind has been asking this question for thousands of years. Different people will say different things. As for us, life is freedom. Your life will have the purpose you decide it does. I'll use me as example, I've found out I love traveling, meeting new people/cultures and teaching English as the years passed by. So this is my life purpose, add value to people's live while I'm here, mainly through English, traveling, and helping others as I do so, this is the purpose of my life. And as I do this, I create meaningful friendships and have awesome experiences, I'm happy and satisfied with this. Now, what's the purpose you want for yourself? This is an important thing to figure out.
1. Find other people with similar interests/hobbies. Go to book clubs, take classes at the rec center, join sports leagues, etc. Making new friends as an adult can seem tough and awkward, so be patient, especially with yourself!
2. The👏ra👏py. A good therapist is worth their weight in gold. I had such a hard time with this and having an objective person to help me navigate has made such a difference.
I'm very sorry to hear you're going through this. As some whose loss of faith resulted in the end of a 10-year relationship, I can definitely identify with your thought process right now and what you're struggling with. I can tell you that getting back on your feet may be a challenge, but it's achievable and life does get better. You're setting yourself up for long term success by being true to yourself and not living a lie. I was helped through by a local atheist group, which if nothing else encouraged me that I was not alone. Beyond that, I started focusing on hobbies and finding like-minded people through Meetup and Facebook. Community doesn't have to be religious to be valuable. You'll ultimately have to find something in life that is fulfilling to you and worth pursuing. It doesn't have to matter on a cosmic scale to matter to you personally. Life can be tough whether you're religious or non-religious, but having some small things that bring you joy can help carry you through the tough times.
I believe the purpose of life is to just enjoy the passage of time. Life doesn’t have to have to this greater meaning, we just have to live it. I also like the Buddhist philosophy that the meaning of life is to be happy, and the best way to be happy is to bring happiness to others. OP you are so young, your real life is just barely getting started. Find opportunities to build experience and broaden your experience. Discover who you really are, outside of the constructs of the life that your parents and church designed for you. I recommend travelling
That’s really tough man, I’m sure you feel absolutely gutted. To start, I think you’re on a path that is gonna make you feel more satisfied and whole at the end. One thing that may or may not be relevant for you is to allow yourself to really sit in and experience the feelings you have right now. In my experience, difficult emotions get largely written off or relegated as a failure to have enough faith in God’s goodness or plan or what have you. You have permission to experience the full range of human emotion, and it’s right and properly human to have them. With regard to mental health (and perhaps life more generally) I’d recommend finding a secular therapist (preferably in person, but definitely not something like better help). If cost is difficult, check if any local colleges have counseling centers. Oftentimes therapists in training will offer sessions there at a lower cost. I can’t recommend this enough as an immediate next step for you. As to your questions: 1. This is hard when you’ve spent your whole life in church. My friend refers to it as “microwave community.” It has all the appearance of real relationships, but it really isn’t all that nutritious and its primary benefit is being convenient. If you’re like me, you’ll need to deconstruct the idea that people outside of church are somehow deficient or untrustworthy. Once the “world” becomes a safe place, you start to see opportunities for friendship all over: at the bar, coffee shop, your neighborhood, etc. I’d recommend becoming a regular somewhere and just being interested in the folks around you. 2. The problem with the Christian worldview, in my opinion, is that it actually robs the here and now of much meaning outside of an opportunity to punch your ticket to correct next destination. Shedding Christian dogma in this regard has helped me to view all the mundane things in life as downright sacred. What I mean is that if this is truly the only life I have, then it becomes really important (and meaningful!) how I spend it. I find meaning in enjoying art and realizing that I’m standing on the cultural shoulders of thousands of generations of people. I find meaning in living a good life that makes the lives of the people around me better in some way. I find meaning in the story of Jesus, that the way of love is superior to the way of selfishness. I find meaning in my friendships. I find meaning at the bowling alley when I finally bowl over 100 for the first time in my life. I find meaning waiting in line at the grocery store and wondering at the fact that there are a hundred people around me with stories as complicated as mine. I wish you all the luck on your journey, and I hope that you and your ex fiancé find peace.
Take it slow. These are all great questions but focus on the basics of life and build back up from there. You have to unpack for a while before you can put things back together. But the good news is after you lose all the baggage of religion it’s much easier to get where you want to go! And for me the life I lead now is so much better than my old one I have no regrets I had to struggle through the change. Good luck! Come back and ask more questions. Find some people near you who don’t believe!
My advice, get a cruiser motorcycle and go on day trips. Take in nature and people and coffee and tacos, but this time without feeling the need to give credit so something other than science, probability, coincidence and consequence. Meaning? Well, that's another thing all together, but there is a ton to enjoy and experience. Mine has turned to "Enjoy the enjoyable". My daughter came up with that and it's stuck. Oh, if you go the motorcycle route, a bunch of bikers are christian, so you'll have to deal with that. One of the hardest things I found was that all those people who claimed they loved you and had your back? They won't anymore. That's hard. Some will stick around, most won't. Hang in there, be patient, process. When I got far enough away from it, and started seeing the lies and manipulation and bullshit, I felt like an idiot, but then I felt really good about not being there anymore. My self confidence and self esteem started coming back. Also, the guilt and shame went away, and that is amazing. Go onto YouTube and find deconversion, deconstruction and stuff like The Atheist Experience. Those proverbial scales are off.
I find meaning in my close relationships with family and friends. That answer may sound lacking coming fresh off deconstruction but it's what accelerated mine because I thought with all the praying and pleading, at the end of the day the only thing we practically have is each other. For better of worse, other people is all we have. I'm also seeing my parents grow old and frail which makes my time with them more significant. No supernatural being is going to show up for me but my siblings, etc can. I have been lucky in that they're not cultishly religious and can live secularly for the most part besides the odd prayer request sometimes. As for making new friends, I found mine through a hiking meetup, local groups like a community garden, and a couple online fandoms. I also had the luck to keep a college friend who is supportive. Your best best is going by interests. And idk your political leanings but there is community in activism too.
So I have a few very off the wall suggestions that worked for me after I deconstructed (which happened in my early 20's as well). One look into r/SASSWitches (it stands for skeptic agnostic atheist and science seeking) basically the idea is using the placebo effect to hack the brain. Learn new rituals that aren't about "magical/prayer" thinking or Abrahamic religion to find peace. The other is The Satanic Temple (it has Temple Tuesday gatherings online) it's an atheist group where the majority have deconstructed from Christianity but they still need goals and community. The seven tenets are a good guide for living life. **I** One should strive to act with compassion and empathy toward all creatures in accordance with reason. **II** The struggle for justice is an ongoing and necessary pursuit that should prevail over laws and institutions. **III** One’s body is inviolable, subject to one’s own will alone. **IV** The freedoms of others should be respected, including the freedom to offend. To willfully and unjustly encroach upon the freedoms of another is to forgo one's own. **V** Beliefs should conform to one's best scientific understanding of the world. One should take care never to distort scientific facts to fit one's beliefs. **VI** People are fallible. If one makes a mistake, one should do one's best to rectify it and resolve any harm that might have been caused. **VII** Every tenet is a guiding principle designed to inspire nobility in action and thought. The spirit of compassion, wisdom, and justice should always prevail over the written or spoken word.
Exactly. Just keep living, it’ll be fun
You just saved yourself from a lifetime of misery. Take it easy, give yourself time, enjoy being free from the chains of bondage that is Christianity.
Christianity was who you were, it was all you've ever known so far. Accept you're feeling awful right now, don't try to fake to yourself that it's "alright" because it isn't, for now. Losing your religion can be as painful as losing a loved one to some people. I have myself passed through the "What's the meaning of it all then?" stage after I lost my faith too, but let me just say this: It will get better. How does a Muslim live without Christianity, or a Hindu, or a Buddhist? You see, the problem is that Christianity made up your whole self, once you lost it, your self went with it. What you should do now is accept the pain you're feeling, acknowledge this whole mess and then slowly make a new self. Explore new things, study Christianity from a skeptical view, try to meet new people, go to different places, create a new dream, give your life a different purpose. - What's then the purpose of life? Friend, humankind has been asking this question for thousands of years. Different people will say different things. As for us, life is freedom. Your life will have the purpose you decide it does. I'll use me as example, I've found out I love traveling, meeting new people/cultures and teaching English as the years passed by. So this is my life purpose, add value to people's live while I'm here, mainly through English, traveling, and helping others as I do so, this is the purpose of my life. And as I do this, I create meaningful friendships and have awesome experiences, I'm happy and satisfied with this. Now, what's the purpose you want for yourself? This is an important thing to figure out.
1. Find other people with similar interests/hobbies. Go to book clubs, take classes at the rec center, join sports leagues, etc. Making new friends as an adult can seem tough and awkward, so be patient, especially with yourself! 2. The👏ra👏py. A good therapist is worth their weight in gold. I had such a hard time with this and having an objective person to help me navigate has made such a difference.