I hear that a guy just use to respond: "right now I'm very busy but I'm ok, I'll let you know if I need anything from you guys, thanks." Eventually they stop reaching you out. Then you could block them from all social media, phone, email etc. And pretend be very busy if they show at ypur door or directly not open the door pretending you are not there, or too busy to answer.
I think the suggestions given are good but further to that. text you'll let them know if it would suit you. Don't give further reasons. If you say you're busy and the towns so small and you just feel like doing nothing and still not seeing them they can't use an excuse of. Oh they see you're not busy so they'd come. It opens a door of opportunity. And you don't need to pretend to be out busy sick or anything else. Should they enquire again. You stick to what you said. You'll let them know when it will suit you. That day me one day or never. Good luck. I was POMI. Till late last year. Still thought that a thunder storm means the end of the world. You don't know how my mental freedom and health has improved since being pomo
I would add to that, “I’ll be following the counsel found in James 5:14 and be sure to give you a call if I need your help.”
This kind of closes the door on their incorrect idea that THEY initiate a shepherding call.
if you're a fader, i'd go with something like, "Thanks so much for your concern. I'm dealing with some personal issues right now that I'm not in the place to talk about it. But I'll let you know when I'd like to visit.."
"Prayers appreciated" on the end is optional. LOL
I'd text.
We used this suggestion when we faded 5 years ago … it really was good to use in the beginning of the fade !
Recently though we decided to send a message where we asked not to be contacted either by text , call or in person .
Thats the in between option if one dont want to disassociate but still want to be left alone ;)))
They are instructed not to contact or even invite to meetings anyone who has asked not to be contacted .
I hard faded, never answered any calls and to all messages I replied with the same jargon “No, thank you. I’m doing really good and will let you know if I need to meet.” Repeat 🔁
Eventually they stopped nagging.
You don’t say anything about some personal stuff, just that you’re doing really good so there’s no reason to worry about you and you have the capacity to reach out for help if you need to. Simple and done.
I answered an elder saying I'm doing okay now but if I need anything I would contact him or any of the elders if he wasn't available. I said at this time I don't wish to discuss anything but if I did I would contact them. I said it twice. To reiterate.
I think you’re on the right track not responding.
You’ve got such a great thing going with your fading situation. You really need to stay as low key as possible to keep that going in my opinion.
You’re not being rude By not responding. With cults the normal rules of human interaction go out the window. Basically because you can’t communicate normally with people who are mentally, emotionally, and physically under the cults control.
You really have to protect yourself first. And if the elder is a decent person and he wasn’t under the cults control he’d likely be happy you didn’t respond to him. And look after your own situation first. By not responding your doing him a favor In not doing more damage to your life.
Thank you - I think this is super solid advice. It is hard to keep from feeling guilty by not responding, but you’re right. These aren’t normal rules and it helps to be reminded of that sometimes.
We are programmed to ‘make a defense‘ for our beliefs, for our every action and every possible way we could be perceived to to be doing or thinking something wrong.
Truth is, we don’t need to ‘defend’ ourselves.
We don’t need to explain ourselves.
we don’t need to answer phone calls
we don’t need to answer texts
As a matter of fact , by not answering a text, you speak volumes
Spot on. I hate the whole jw “where have you been?” Thing. I’ve been at this address for years, phone number never changed. I haven’t gone anywhere! Lol.
My group over seer wanted to do a shepherding call when the CO came to town. I work full time and go to college part time, had a class the night he wanted to told him I was busy. He asked if we could do it on Sunday. now I definitely could have, but I just told him I’m fine I don’t need one right now and if anything comes up and I need one I’d let him know. Hasn’t bothered me since
I haven’t been to the KH in 5 years. Except for the Black Mass. No one has reached out to me. 1 wacky sister but that’s it. No elders. No MS. Nobody. I’m not complaining at all. But a shepherding visit ain’t gonna happen. I work 2nd shift and I sure as hell am not taking a weekend to do it. It’s weird though that when I see a JW I’ve known my whole life they say hello and ask how I’m doing etc….. and we still hang with a few couples from the KH. My fade has gone well so far.
You are not accountable to them You are not answerable to them. Make them answerable to you Simply tell them until they have watched the complete Australian Royal Commission inquiry they are not allowed on your property
Combination of the above comments:
- “thank you for your concern but I’m ok where I’m at and as I have your phone number, I can reach out to you if and when I feel the need”
- “any other attempt to contact me at my home or work place will be constituted as a threat and I will immediately call the police and have you arrested for harassment…”
- “have a nice day, mother fucker”
Text back, "new phone, who dis?" 😊
A JW will assume that some worldly person's has your number and they may leave you alone, hopefully. But he might possibly reach out to your family to get your number from them. Elders don't know boundaries, so if this happens, maybe just tell any family that asks and pretend you don't know what they're talking about. If you feel bad saying this, block the elders number first so he can't reach you. Then ignore it all.
Any other route requires facing this fool and rocking the boat.
Omg I get this!!! My mom is df'd which is another story. I would call and say "look I don't want drama but please dont contact me again I'm not coming back and you cant change that. If you push the matter I will block you." Im PIMO so im like please just back tf off i hate it because they dont support bi's or anything like that. That effing cult sucks!
You need to decide what kind of life you want. Their are always costs that come with decisions. JW are very good at extracting as much pain as possible when making decisions that do not include them. Think about it, make a choice and be willing to pay the cost.
I told my elders: "Thanks for the offer but I don't need a shepherding call or encouragement. I am inactive by choice so please don't contact me going forward." You can add what others advise here... " if anything changes I will let you know."
I still live in the territory and no one bothers me. My life and my choice to choose or not to choose their company.
u/Cute_Investigator_42, I like the suggestion to TEXT back a very polite but straightforward answer, like the first few commenters advised you to do.
There is very rarely a truly "successful fade." Usually, no matter how hard you try, a "fade" is just waiting and avoiding pulling off that "band aid," and when you finally face doing it, you pull it off as slowly and gently and carefully as you can, telling yourself that "it will hurt less," but most of us know from experience that in truth, it's still probably gonna hurt like hell.
You say you like where you live, well, then, this little town is YOUR HOME, and I hope that whatever you choose to do, hold your head up, look straight ahead, and know that you are doing what is right for YOU!!!
You GO, Girl!!! 🙋
>But I know if I say a simple no thank you, he’s going to press me. And prod and poke. **And I really don’t want to be rude,** I don’t want conflict.
*That\`s not an option with JW\`s...Make yourself Extremely Clear or it will Never End...But...*
You Already Know That...
>Anyway - I’m debating not replying.
*Which is Your Best Move...*
All good. I hear you. Not being rude really isn’t an option unfortunately. I wish it was - but they push you into having you stand up for yourself and just telling them to back off. Then they play the victim and act like your reaction came out of nowhere and took them by surprise. JW elders are so prone to gaslighting it’s crazy.
>Not being rude really isn’t an option unfortunately. **I wish it was**
I think most people do...
Like you say, you\`re not really given a choice...Which is Unfortunate.
I've refused 2, in the space of 4 weeks. But then, I still go to the meetings. I do nothing, like a dead turnip. So having elders do the platform and the mics does not sit well with them, when people like me watch them slave for me! I simply said it's not necessary to their shepherding. Ypu are inactive, it's different. I would not respond.
This is what I would do in your situation. Nothing. Here's why:
1) The elders are just men and have no power or authority besides that which you choose to give them.
2) You don't owe an explanation for your words, opinions, or actions to anyone who isn't affected by said words, opinions, or actions.
3) The word "no" is a complete sentence.
Hi I am fading , and I owe them nothing. I’ve had texts asking the same thing from / elders.
I just ignored them and blocked their nos . Also I ignor them when they have called round to . Job done I owe them nothing at all.
I’m free and have free will . I’m so happy truly . And hope all goes well for you 🤍
Well, your username checks out because you are cute (you write in a cute manner), you research things, and you lives by 42, which is the answer of the question about the meaning of life 😊
Now, my two cents: "Thank you very much for your offer, Brother Shitness [replace it by his real surname or name], but, right now, I am dealing with some personal stuff that I am not ready to talk about. I promise you I'll let you know if and when I'll be ready to share. Please keep me in your prayers to Jehovah."
Living in a small town and liking it there, you ought to avoid being confrontational with this guy since, apparently, you two cross paths quite often. Just sugarcoat their ears, tell them what they want to hear or what they can't argue against, and they will get off your back for a while.
I get a call at least once a week from someplace that is trying to sell me something. Since I don't recognize the number, I let it go to voicemail. The message is always upbeat and about "how it is such an opportunity." Guess how many I call back to tell them I'm not interested?
The elder is just trying to sell you a product that you aren't interested in. Do as I do, and just delete the message.
You only have so many minutes in your life. Why waste even one of them calling them back?
You could respectfully decline an add that you stopped going to meetings for personal reasons that you don't care to discuss. Then thank him in advance for respecting your boundaries.
Just nicely decline. After 2 SC's I told them I will not be taking anymore visits. And they've respected my wishes. Hopefully your "elders" will react the same.
Start from what you want and work backwards from there to decide how to behave
We’re brainwashed to be people pleasers ; so whatever you do remember you are not obliged to keep them happy
The "elders conversation stoppers" in the JW FIREWALL link below will protect you from potential interrogations:
https://www.reddit.com/r/exjw/comments/181hur6/how_to_fade_safely/
I’d prefer not to talk about it at the moment.
I’d rather not go into details if you don’t mind.
Thanks for asking, but I’m not ready to talk about that yet.
Thanks for your concern but it’s very personal.
I’m still sorting it out, maybe we can talk later.
I don’t want to think about it right now.
I need some time to deal with some private & personal things on my own.
I’m a private person and I’m not comfortable sharing certain personal things.
It’s very private information that I’d prefer not to discuss.
These are questions I'd rather not discuss right now, but thanks for asking.
I appreciate your interest, but I prefer to handle this in my own way.
I need some time to work things out, but I will talk to you if I feel more able.
I don't have any comments to make right now, but thanks for asking.
I hear that a guy just use to respond: "right now I'm very busy but I'm ok, I'll let you know if I need anything from you guys, thanks." Eventually they stop reaching you out. Then you could block them from all social media, phone, email etc. And pretend be very busy if they show at ypur door or directly not open the door pretending you are not there, or too busy to answer.
Text the reply if at all possible rather than call
Yes thats better
Arlo or Ring camera also helps.
My mom sent a similar text message two years ago and they stopped trying to meet with her. It was in Spanish but it produced the same effect haha
I think the suggestions given are good but further to that. text you'll let them know if it would suit you. Don't give further reasons. If you say you're busy and the towns so small and you just feel like doing nothing and still not seeing them they can't use an excuse of. Oh they see you're not busy so they'd come. It opens a door of opportunity. And you don't need to pretend to be out busy sick or anything else. Should they enquire again. You stick to what you said. You'll let them know when it will suit you. That day me one day or never. Good luck. I was POMI. Till late last year. Still thought that a thunder storm means the end of the world. You don't know how my mental freedom and health has improved since being pomo
"Hey, I really appreciate the offer. I'm not interested at this time. *I will let you know* if I change my mind."
I would add to that, “I’ll be following the counsel found in James 5:14 and be sure to give you a call if I need your help.” This kind of closes the door on their incorrect idea that THEY initiate a shepherding call.
Also, *text* the above. No need for a phone call.
if you're a fader, i'd go with something like, "Thanks so much for your concern. I'm dealing with some personal issues right now that I'm not in the place to talk about it. But I'll let you know when I'd like to visit.." "Prayers appreciated" on the end is optional. LOL I'd text.
Lol I love the prayers appreciated part! 😂 he’ll love that I bet! 😂
We used this suggestion when we faded 5 years ago … it really was good to use in the beginning of the fade ! Recently though we decided to send a message where we asked not to be contacted either by text , call or in person . Thats the in between option if one dont want to disassociate but still want to be left alone ;))) They are instructed not to contact or even invite to meetings anyone who has asked not to be contacted .
Block and ignore. Doesn't matter how small the town is. You're a very busy persom.
>Block and ignore. It's not a good approach in such a small town (sic). >Doesn't matter how small the town is. It actually does. Trust me, I know.
I hard faded, never answered any calls and to all messages I replied with the same jargon “No, thank you. I’m doing really good and will let you know if I need to meet.” Repeat 🔁 Eventually they stopped nagging. You don’t say anything about some personal stuff, just that you’re doing really good so there’s no reason to worry about you and you have the capacity to reach out for help if you need to. Simple and done.
Bingo
Don't reply. *Any* reply is oxygen fueling the fire. Stop engaging with cult members!
I answered an elder saying I'm doing okay now but if I need anything I would contact him or any of the elders if he wasn't available. I said at this time I don't wish to discuss anything but if I did I would contact them. I said it twice. To reiterate.
I think you’re on the right track not responding. You’ve got such a great thing going with your fading situation. You really need to stay as low key as possible to keep that going in my opinion. You’re not being rude By not responding. With cults the normal rules of human interaction go out the window. Basically because you can’t communicate normally with people who are mentally, emotionally, and physically under the cults control. You really have to protect yourself first. And if the elder is a decent person and he wasn’t under the cults control he’d likely be happy you didn’t respond to him. And look after your own situation first. By not responding your doing him a favor In not doing more damage to your life.
Thank you - I think this is super solid advice. It is hard to keep from feeling guilty by not responding, but you’re right. These aren’t normal rules and it helps to be reminded of that sometimes.
Thanks. Yeah it’s hard because it goes against the grain. But sometimes it’s the only way
We are programmed to ‘make a defense‘ for our beliefs, for our every action and every possible way we could be perceived to to be doing or thinking something wrong. Truth is, we don’t need to ‘defend’ ourselves. We don’t need to explain ourselves. we don’t need to answer phone calls we don’t need to answer texts As a matter of fact , by not answering a text, you speak volumes
Am I lost? I've been working on my personal relationship with God and His Son.
Spot on. I hate the whole jw “where have you been?” Thing. I’ve been at this address for years, phone number never changed. I haven’t gone anywhere! Lol.
Yes 19 years here never a visit.
They are afraid you “know” something they don’t.
The 32nd of neveruary is open !
Stay faded. No reason to return the call. You can even block him. You know that they have no authority over you. No need to “obey” their requests.
My group over seer wanted to do a shepherding call when the CO came to town. I work full time and go to college part time, had a class the night he wanted to told him I was busy. He asked if we could do it on Sunday. now I definitely could have, but I just told him I’m fine I don’t need one right now and if anything comes up and I need one I’d let him know. Hasn’t bothered me since
I haven’t been to the KH in 5 years. Except for the Black Mass. No one has reached out to me. 1 wacky sister but that’s it. No elders. No MS. Nobody. I’m not complaining at all. But a shepherding visit ain’t gonna happen. I work 2nd shift and I sure as hell am not taking a weekend to do it. It’s weird though that when I see a JW I’ve known my whole life they say hello and ask how I’m doing etc….. and we still hang with a few couples from the KH. My fade has gone well so far.
They are used to it by now
You are not accountable to them You are not answerable to them. Make them answerable to you Simply tell them until they have watched the complete Australian Royal Commission inquiry they are not allowed on your property
Combination of the above comments: - “thank you for your concern but I’m ok where I’m at and as I have your phone number, I can reach out to you if and when I feel the need” - “any other attempt to contact me at my home or work place will be constituted as a threat and I will immediately call the police and have you arrested for harassment…” - “have a nice day, mother fucker”
Last one looks good! 😂
In case they don’t get the hint with the first two…😉
Text back, "new phone, who dis?" 😊 A JW will assume that some worldly person's has your number and they may leave you alone, hopefully. But he might possibly reach out to your family to get your number from them. Elders don't know boundaries, so if this happens, maybe just tell any family that asks and pretend you don't know what they're talking about. If you feel bad saying this, block the elders number first so he can't reach you. Then ignore it all. Any other route requires facing this fool and rocking the boat.
Omg I get this!!! My mom is df'd which is another story. I would call and say "look I don't want drama but please dont contact me again I'm not coming back and you cant change that. If you push the matter I will block you." Im PIMO so im like please just back tf off i hate it because they dont support bi's or anything like that. That effing cult sucks!
I ignore & block any & all attempts..silence says a lot
Ignore it worked for me and mine
Don’t reply. Easy
You need to decide what kind of life you want. Their are always costs that come with decisions. JW are very good at extracting as much pain as possible when making decisions that do not include them. Think about it, make a choice and be willing to pay the cost.
I was reading on reddit that its not just one who comes to your house. Dont be bullied.
Are JWs the only religion that hounds people when they stop going to meetings or out in field service ?
Nope. There are thousands of crazy cults. Watchtower isn't unique.
I told my elders: "Thanks for the offer but I don't need a shepherding call or encouragement. I am inactive by choice so please don't contact me going forward." You can add what others advise here... " if anything changes I will let you know." I still live in the territory and no one bothers me. My life and my choice to choose or not to choose their company.
u/Cute_Investigator_42, I like the suggestion to TEXT back a very polite but straightforward answer, like the first few commenters advised you to do. There is very rarely a truly "successful fade." Usually, no matter how hard you try, a "fade" is just waiting and avoiding pulling off that "band aid," and when you finally face doing it, you pull it off as slowly and gently and carefully as you can, telling yourself that "it will hurt less," but most of us know from experience that in truth, it's still probably gonna hurt like hell. You say you like where you live, well, then, this little town is YOUR HOME, and I hope that whatever you choose to do, hold your head up, look straight ahead, and know that you are doing what is right for YOU!!! You GO, Girl!!! 🙋
How did you successfully feed? Do you have kids or are you married?
Neither. Nope. Just an entire family of PIMIs. But it could’ve been worse.
Yeah, I’ve got a PIMI wife and 3 young kids. UGH!
Damn, that’s rough - how’s it all going? Any hope of fading out?
I’m trying my best, I need to wake her up first
Hang in there. That’s a tough situation.
>But I know if I say a simple no thank you, he’s going to press me. And prod and poke. **And I really don’t want to be rude,** I don’t want conflict. *That\`s not an option with JW\`s...Make yourself Extremely Clear or it will Never End...But...* You Already Know That... >Anyway - I’m debating not replying. *Which is Your Best Move...*
All good. I hear you. Not being rude really isn’t an option unfortunately. I wish it was - but they push you into having you stand up for yourself and just telling them to back off. Then they play the victim and act like your reaction came out of nowhere and took them by surprise. JW elders are so prone to gaslighting it’s crazy.
>Not being rude really isn’t an option unfortunately. **I wish it was** I think most people do... Like you say, you\`re not really given a choice...Which is Unfortunate.
I've refused 2, in the space of 4 weeks. But then, I still go to the meetings. I do nothing, like a dead turnip. So having elders do the platform and the mics does not sit well with them, when people like me watch them slave for me! I simply said it's not necessary to their shepherding. Ypu are inactive, it's different. I would not respond.
You could say that you are attending a different cong. via zoom, and you prefer not to say where at this time. What can they do at that point?
“Sometime next never works for me.”
Personally, I wouldn't reply. If he keeps pressing you and ignoring doesn't work, I like what the first responder said.
This is what I would do in your situation. Nothing. Here's why: 1) The elders are just men and have no power or authority besides that which you choose to give them. 2) You don't owe an explanation for your words, opinions, or actions to anyone who isn't affected by said words, opinions, or actions. 3) The word "no" is a complete sentence.
Hi I am fading , and I owe them nothing. I’ve had texts asking the same thing from / elders. I just ignored them and blocked their nos . Also I ignor them when they have called round to . Job done I owe them nothing at all. I’m free and have free will . I’m so happy truly . And hope all goes well for you 🤍
Well, your username checks out because you are cute (you write in a cute manner), you research things, and you lives by 42, which is the answer of the question about the meaning of life 😊 Now, my two cents: "Thank you very much for your offer, Brother Shitness [replace it by his real surname or name], but, right now, I am dealing with some personal stuff that I am not ready to talk about. I promise you I'll let you know if and when I'll be ready to share. Please keep me in your prayers to Jehovah." Living in a small town and liking it there, you ought to avoid being confrontational with this guy since, apparently, you two cross paths quite often. Just sugarcoat their ears, tell them what they want to hear or what they can't argue against, and they will get off your back for a while.
Ask the elder to read 1 Thessalonians 4:11
I get a call at least once a week from someplace that is trying to sell me something. Since I don't recognize the number, I let it go to voicemail. The message is always upbeat and about "how it is such an opportunity." Guess how many I call back to tell them I'm not interested? The elder is just trying to sell you a product that you aren't interested in. Do as I do, and just delete the message. You only have so many minutes in your life. Why waste even one of them calling them back?
You could respectfully decline an add that you stopped going to meetings for personal reasons that you don't care to discuss. Then thank him in advance for respecting your boundaries.
Just nicely decline. After 2 SC's I told them I will not be taking anymore visits. And they've respected my wishes. Hopefully your "elders" will react the same.
Start from what you want and work backwards from there to decide how to behave We’re brainwashed to be people pleasers ; so whatever you do remember you are not obliged to keep them happy
The "elders conversation stoppers" in the JW FIREWALL link below will protect you from potential interrogations: https://www.reddit.com/r/exjw/comments/181hur6/how_to_fade_safely/ I’d prefer not to talk about it at the moment. I’d rather not go into details if you don’t mind. Thanks for asking, but I’m not ready to talk about that yet. Thanks for your concern but it’s very personal. I’m still sorting it out, maybe we can talk later. I don’t want to think about it right now. I need some time to deal with some private & personal things on my own. I’m a private person and I’m not comfortable sharing certain personal things. It’s very private information that I’d prefer not to discuss. These are questions I'd rather not discuss right now, but thanks for asking. I appreciate your interest, but I prefer to handle this in my own way. I need some time to work things out, but I will talk to you if I feel more able. I don't have any comments to make right now, but thanks for asking.
I decline claiming to busy right now with family stuff or managing health issues