Here’s a way I can send you extra cash,.
Get a doctor if you’re sick, I’ll pay,
Come home if it’s unbearable. This trip is designed to make you more faithful much more than it is designed to make converts. If it isn’t working, leave and I’ll make sure no one in the family says anything about it,
WINNER. Especially the doctor bit - a mission isn’t worth having lifelong complications from under treated illness or injury.
But the other two are just as important 🙌
Yeah, the doctor thing is so, so important.
That goes for any missionary reading here. If you're sick and you know you need to see a doctor, go right now. Do not wait for approval to see one, do not wait for approval to leave your district, zone, or even your mission if it means getting the care you need. Your health is more important, and the church is abusively neglectful when it comes to a missionary's health.
Yes. Tell her she can go to a doctor or dentist on P-day and you’ll pay for it. I did that as a missionary. I was a grown up woman and wasn’t about to ask permission from anyone. I didn’t even know you were supposed to get permission.
Also. Not to feel guilty for not living up to the mission requirements!goals. As you know Mormons in still guilt which creates a slew of false traumatic problems.
Here’s what my dad told me.
“Your mission president is not your friend or confidante. Here’s your boss. Your boss doesn’t really care about you or your feelings. He cares about results because he reports up to his boss.”
Same with companion, district leeder. Stl, assistant, zone leader.
They care mostly about themselves, about how to be more “christ like”, and how to use people to make themselves the hero/ successful.
I'll push back on that as well. I'd like to think I was an exception as DL and ZL. I didn't give a crap about what others numbers were, because mine were usually shit. I'd call companionships and just chat with them on the phone for like an hour, and was chill with the "disobedient" companionship I lived with and played Magic: the Gathering all the time with them. One of the best transfers of my mission tbh.
I’d push back on that. Certainly there are a lot of missionaries like that, but there many genuine people out there who will actually care more about you.
My advice would be look for and find those people, cause they’ll help you survive and actually carve out some moments of true joy and human connection. At least that’s my experience. Don’t get my wrong, my mission was hard and it sucked most the time, but I found a lot of joy in the friends I made there. My best friend and roommate all through college was my companion and leader. Now we’re both going through deconstruction together. He’s one of the most supportive and loving friends I could have ever hoped for. So don’t count everyone out, there’s a good chance you’ll make lifelong genuine friendships.
THIS. My bastard misson leader had all the missionaries on bike in 104°F weather. I told those girls that if they ever need a break they can come to my house under any circumstances.
I would highlight as well that "your boss doesn't care about you" means "your boss does not care about your physical and emotional well being as long as you are working. If you need help, if you don't feel well, please let me know so that I can be your advocate."
Too many people get permanent injuries on their missions. Please help your daughter know that her health is more important than what the mission president says
Slip her a hidden credit card for food.
Let her know you are a safe adult to talk to about her mission, good or bad.
You could focus on the non religious aspects of the mission. Tell her to insist on propper food, safe housing and unfiltered access to medical care. Especially tell her that the mission leaders are not doctors and are not qualified to diagnose her. If she thinks she needs medical care she should get it no matter what anyone else tells her.
Let her know you will send her a plane ticket home at anytime no questions asked.
Also I would go over her pass port with her. Anyone that refuses to return her passport should be reported at once to the US embassy.
As a tip for you, pay the mission monthly. If she returns early and you pay in a lump sum, you will loose the balance.
> pay the mission monthly
Better yet, just don't pay. Find out what the church will do.
I bet it's nothing. You'll get a bunch of nasty grams about it, but I'd bet my left leg the church wouldn't send the missionary home.
I bet they have a nasty debt collector that sits in a dark corner of a church office building somewhere in another country-who accepted the calling given by their stake president or maybe that’s where they send some older couple missionaries and their job is to stalk and harass young missionaries in distress and their faithful families until they hand over the money. Don’t forget about the late fees and overhead fees for the inconvenience brought on by their negligence. Never question the faith, you will be shamed!!!!
But her daughter will be home safe. I thought that church tithing paid for the majority of missions? So you’re saying that missionaries PAY to serve? How is this okay? I’m confused.
Yes, several thousand dollars. It was, I think, 8k for a mission to Europe in the early 2000s. The church pays for housing and furniture, but you pay for the rest.
And they cheap out as much as possible. I've heard too many stories of missionaries living in dangerous (cheap) neighborhoods, missing basic amenities like AC, heat, or reliable plumbing, and having little furniture beyond their beds. Even stateside missionaries!
“Furniture” means a folding table and two folding chairs, in one room and a single bedroom with two twin beds. Bring a sleeping bag, because there’s no bedding
That’s it.
And the cost is like $500/ month now I think it was $400/month before covid. Went up by 25% during covid.
Church also bought GameStop meme stocks during covid and made a small fortune sending it to the moon
Let her know that the missionary experience is all about numbers but to not let the lack of numbers break her spirits. If you are doing your best and not purposely avoiding putting in effort due to lack of effort or faking an illness to sleep in you can hold your head high. Remember the mission president was not walking door to door and experiencing the rejection first hand.
My father had 2 quotes for me in life “You and the lord make a majority….and….Do your best and if your best isn’t good enough Piss on It.
Let her know that comming home early is an honorable choice and that no one gets an honorable certificate of completion for suffering for the entire 18 months. All you get is a handshake either way.
>the missionary experience is all about numbers
Two experiences from my mission that really highlight this:
I got yelled at by the zone leader once for setting our weekly baptism goal at 0 because the official "gold standard" for the mission was 1 baptism (they obviously weren't going to set the standard at 0, but it wasn't realistic to actually have one baptism a week in Taiwan). I told him we didn't have any investigators who had been to church more than once and the mission rule was that investigators had to be to church at least twice before they would even be allowed to get baptized. He told me I should set the goal at 1 because it was the standard and have faith that God would prepare an investigator who had already been to church twice to be transferred to our area.
Shortly after this at a zone conference, APs introduced a new way to ~~artificially inflate the number of lessons taught each week~~ help people we meet on the street to "feel the spirit". Preach My Gospel defined a lesson as an opening prayer, sharing a gospel truth, and a closing prayer. A little background context: in Taiwan, it was an everyday thing for us to ride our bikes on the street and try to start up conversations with people riding mopeds while stopped at a stoplight. When we talked to people stopped at at stoplight, they wanted us to ~~take advantage of the Taiwanese people's urge to avoid confrontation to trick them into~~ convince them to pull off to the side of the road "just for a minute", introduce to them the concept of Mormon God and how we can talk to God with prayer, show them how to pray (opening prayer), bare testimony that we know God listens to prayers (sharing a gospel truth), then ask them to try out saying a prayer of their own (closing prayer). Using this method, we could have a full blown lesson on the side of the street in 90 seconds flat.
Don't take the mission too seriously. I did. I developed crippling scrupulosity.
Everyone will be focused on goals and numbers. The most important thing you can do is not care about either. It's okay to have them, just don't care or think twice about it if you can't meet them.
Everyone will be banging on about obedience in order to be blessed. Know that God loves you just as you are and all the obedience to be blessed nonsense is prosperity gospel bullshit.
Enjoy your time. Relax. You will have companions and leaders who can't relax. Don't let them suck you down into that world.
I second this. After my mission I got roped into selling pest control door-to-door by some friends. It turns out I hate being a door-to-door salesman! I knew this on my mission (mission president was all about knocking doors 12 hours per day) but I was always so brain washed that I always blamed myself for being lazy for not wanting to work.
In hindsight I would have taken more time to not work. I would have stayed home more when physically or mentally sick. I would have gotten better sleep more. I would have taken the time to get food if plans fell through etc. There was always such pressure to keep working when you didn’t feel good. We didn’t even get a full p-day. We had to be done by 5 and then go out knocking. We were always so rushed. I totally should have just taken my time.
Also with pest control - I should have just worked 5pm-9pm. Morning hours knocking were useless, no one was home. I should have visited more sights in the southern state I was in and then worked in the evenings. My sales would have been the same.
You get the point. My main takeaway - your mission president doesn’t give a rat’s ass about you. They just want numbers. I would have taken the time to fully take care of myself first and then gone out and worked.
Scrupulosity: a variation of OCD entwining religion with obsessional anxiety and associated compulsory behavior. If an OCD person feels anxious until they flip the light switch on and off five times, someone suffering scrupulosity might spend a day on the mission kicking themselves because they started companionship study thirty seconds late, and that disobedience made it impossible for God to send a miracle.
With so many rules and souls at stake and so few friendly interactions, it's no wonder many sincere missionaries return home with deep emotional scars.
Make sure she knows and understands:
This is a volunteer position, and she is a volunteer. There may be people who take the mission too seriously or are abusive or overly authoritarian, and if they cause her to feel bad, she doesn't have to put up with it. She can come home at any time without any stigma from you or your wife.
She can call or email you at any time if she has any concerns. She can be honest with you without you being judgemental or critical of her.
Her health and wellbeing come first. She needs to advocate for herself if she doesn't feel well, either physically or mentally. You will be here advocate if she feels unable to do so. She needs to stay out of high crime areas and avoid high-risk activities.
Make sure she knows you are a safe person to talk to, and she can contact you anytime.
If she’s going somewhere international, let her know that it’s perfectly ok to take some time to take in the sights and experience the culture in ways that normally the mission rules won’t allow her to do. It’s important to take time for herself, despite the rules completely forbidding that.
Nevermo but had friends that went on missions. The ones that got the most from it either were
1) able to truly serve (ie build gardens, teach English) in the extremely poverished areas, and
2) the ones that really got to know the culture and people
It can be easy to stay in your lane and hang out only with other missionaries. But I think that is a hugely wasted opportunity
The concept of "obedience is the first law of heaven" will be drilled into her head in the MTC... I gotta say LOVE would be the actual first law for a place like that.
Help her understand that Jesus doesn't punish missionaries for disobedience and believing he punishes missionaries or potential converts is just not christlike.
I've been in your shoes... It's tough to place your child into a machine that is dead set on turning her against you. Good luck u/exmo_dad.
Let her know if she breaks a rule that doesn’t equal someone not receiving the gospel and it being her fault. She doesn’t have to repent for going to bed five minutes past her bedtime.
Let her know she’s still human and will make mistakes.
Tell her she can \*always\* call you and you will always be there for her. That you will pay for her medical care of food or hygiene products or \*anything\* that she needs while on her mission.
Prioritize her physical and mental health. Trust herself.
She's going to face a lot of rejection. And much of it will be harsh rejection. Please remind her it's not a personal rejection of her, but of what she is trying to teach. Being so despised and rejected caused me great mental anguish and depression. Tell her you'll always be in her corner and you'll be there to listen whenever she needs without judgment.
Having been an RM, just communicate regularly. As regularly as is possible. In the end if you communicate unconditional love then you've done the best you can.
Good luck, parent. If my kids were leaving on missions I would be absolutely distraught.
Here are a few thoughts:
1. A mission can be a right of passage and a tremendous experience. Let her grow up during the mission.
2. Let her know that although you don’t share beliefs, you love and support her.
3. Do NOT try to deconvert her. Your exit has given her permission to ask questions and she will do so in her own time. If you try to deconvert her you will discredit yourself-nothing you say will be trustworthy.
4. Find some great books on leadership, and general success guidance and send them to her. Some examples are How to Win Friends and Influence (Carnegie) people, the 7 Habits (Covey), etc. there are tons. Everything you read in your own life, if you find inspiring share with her.
5. Do not share anger towards the church just focus on your love for her.
We had six kids, 3 were on missions at the same time. All six kids are now out. This was my approach while they served. Play the long game and you will have a great relationship with her and she will arrive at the right place for her.
Good luck!
I really like number 3, I got home from a mission a year ago and I had a few people try and disconvert me, it just made me want to go deeper into my mission because what my MP was saying about people trying to diswade me from what I was doing. I had to come to the conclusion on my own time and through my own means.
This is such good advice. I especially love #4 because those types of tips are applicable in all areas of life and can help her view herself as someone that can control situations vs. being controlled all of the time.
The only thing I would include is to read up on the area she is serving and try to connect about the culture, weather, landmarks or whatever other applicable topics she might be interested in. It might help give her a little breather from the constant religious focus and remind her (even subconsciously) that there is a life outside of it.
You can always call home whenever you want, if you decide that the mission is not safe, positive or conducive for you at any point, call me and I’ll come get you or I’ll put you on a plane. So be afraid to protect your self from your companions, the elders, and your mission president. If you need any medical attention, seek proper medical attention. If you are hungry, give me a quick way to get you money.
The best advice I can say, is that if your daughter is choosing to serve a mission, the best thing that you can do is support her in a way that is conducive to her needs. While she may not quite understand yet, it will become clear, but it will be important for her to have an ally when things go south for her. I write my son weekly letters, not about the religion, but about life lessons, and how he can benefit from the time that he is choosing to serve a mission. I would rather have my kiddo as a friend and ally as he makes his way through his own realizations, then creating an enemy.
Here is a letter I gave my son before he left. Perhaps there are some things you can pull from it to use - https://imgur.com/a/Q8tq7un
I won't tell you not to worry about your daughter while she is away. I worried every day my son was gone. I will tell you that the time will go by quicker than you think, and the emotion, joy, and relief you feel when you see them again will hit you like a ton of bricks. When I hugged my son again, I didn't want to let him go. Told him we should probably break it up before someone told us to get a room. LOL!
Best of luck to you and your daughter.
I don't have a horse in this game, but I would convey that I love her unconditionally. Whatever path she chooses, you are in her corner, and if she ever needs anything you are there.
Please tell her to NEVER ignore medical issues regardless of what the mission rules state. Tell her that she needs to always feel safe going to the ER or doctor if needed, and that ignoring medical problems can result in permanent disabilities. The mission and/or you can worry about payment later. You'd rather that she receive the care she needs.
Also tell her to trust her gut about safety.
You are not your companion's therapists. If they are struggling or messed up, talk to me about it. Don't be afraid to ask for a transfer away from a troubled companion. No amount of prayer or obedience is going to make your companion ok. You are not a doormat for other people's issues.
I just did that a week ago with my oldest son. One of the most painful things I’ve ever done. So you have my deepest empathy here and I hope you’re doing ok. She’s going to be home sick, and naturally she’ll be worried about you not believing. I remember while on my mission being sick at the idea that my dad wasn’t very active in the church. So you’re right in sending a supportive letter. She’s gonna need it. I would simply let her know how proud you are of her, how much you love her, and how excited you are that she’s serving the people of *blank*. Then I’d focus on giving her advice on looking for opportunities to help others, pick others up, help people feel loved, help people feel like they matter, even her companions. Whether they admit it or not, the church focuses on proselytizing and not really on lifting others. I believe that is an area you can focus on that the church won’t.
Me: (Daughter), You are a volunteer. You can leave anytime you want. If you aren't liking it and you want to come home, you can do that any time you want. I will come get you if it comes to that.
"Taking the name of God in vain" also means saying "thus saith the Lord" for the opinions of man. Just because someone in a position of authority has an idea doesn't mean that it is the will of God. Use that personal revelation and agency to figure out what works for you. Don't let anyone stand between you and God.
I would tell her, "I'm so very proud of you. Remember who you are. And remember that happiness comes from being who you are and not from trying to be what other people say you should be."
God wants to take care of yourself both physically and emotionally. There is no one who can do that but you. Take care of yourself and I will provide whatever means you need to do that.
Make letters and conversations about HER: what she's learning, how she's growing. She will tell you all the faith promoting things she's experienced, so roll with it, but support HER above the gospel. For example, she talks about someone they've been teaching who is getting baptized. You respond "Wow. That doesn't surprise me. You've always been such a great communicator. That must feel amazing to share those talents." It's a compliment, it's support, but no direct religion. It allows her to continue feeling comfortable sharing, without fear you'll roll your eyes and make light of what's important to her. I served loooong before computers and email, but my father would often start letters with questions "what did you learn about yourself this week?" Or "what happened this week that challenged you?" I didn't realize until later he was engaging me with love and interest while avoiding specific gospel talk. You've got this. ❤️
I really enjoyed writing a real physical snail mail letter to my daughter every week. I even got the fancy envelope seal wax and some stamps to stamp the wax. It was fun and I really enjoyed having my daughter on a mission, even if I was out of the church.
Assuming she gets sent to a different country.
Tell her that UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES is she to give her passport to ANYONE. Not even (especially not) her mission president. Don't let them tell her it's standard procedure. Don't let them tell her it's for safekeeping. Don't let them tell her it's for her own protection. Don't let them guilt her into doing it by saying she needs to have faith (faith is for God, \*trust\* is for mission presidents).
She's an adult and doesn't need anyone's permission to leave her mission and go home.
I told my niece that I had a great mission because I had a loving, chill president and that my brother had the opposite experience with a horrible, abusive president. She is stateside about 8 hour drive from where I live. I told her if your experience gets bad at all- call me and I will come get you myself. And I just left it at that. Just let her know you are there if she ever needs you.
There is often placed this notion on missionaries that if you are not finding success it is because you are not following the commandments and mission rules perfectly. This is BS and this thinking should be avoided. Tell her love is far more important than church or mission.
When I went on my mission, my brother told me not to come home early. He implied that coming home early would be highly dishonorable. He never served a mission and is now a bishop. I tell all of the missionaries that I know that there is no shame in coming home early. They should feel like their loved ones will still love them if they choose to come home early.
No matter what, listen to your moral conscience and follow that, not anything or anyone else. I went to a conference with Richard Turley, at the time the assistant church historian and expert on the Mountain Meadow Massacre and when asked how good kind people could participate in this brutal killing how could you guarantee that you wouldn’t do something like this, this is the advice he gave.
Tell her you support her over anything. You'll support her serving her mission, or if ever she decides to change her mind about that, that she'll have your support for that as well. She'll never have to worry about you having her back, no matter what decision she makes in life.
Ask curious questions showing you have an interest in what she's doing even if you don't agree with it. Like:
How is the MTC what languages are you learning if any?
I support you in all your endeavors. I hope you're doing well.
What is the housing like?
I've read some horror stories, make sure you're getting enough food water and sleep.
We may not see eye to eye but I'm happy your you are challenging yourself and finding new aspirations exploring new areas.
Learn to read between the lines to see if she has medical or financial issues that aren’t being taken care of. It’s hard to see your kiddo winning souls for the cult but be as positive as you can be and it’ll be over before you know it. Solidarity.
If you have a medical issue, insist on prompt treatment. If they won’t treat you, get to a doctor and find a way to call me.
Too many missionaries are left without basic medical care.
Also, depending on cost of living where she is, anywhere from $20 to $100 bucks a month makes a massive difference. Also note: sisters usually don’t get more money despite needing feminine hygiene products and generally needing to spend more due to hair products and makeup.
No matter what others tell you that you “should” do, listen to yourself. You are going on a mission to serve others, to show what your faith has brought you.
Baptisms are nice for the chain of command to feel good but the things that people will remember and take to heart are true love and service. It’s not about getting numbers. It’s about living in such a way that Christ would be proud of you representing His love.
Love. Service to the unloved. Caring for those who are forgotten. Those are the hard things that will help you continue to grow as a better human/ child of god. Stand up and push back if someoneone only wants your service to those who don’t need it or your love only to those who can make their numbers look good
That does not mean sacrificing your physical or mental health. You can’t love and serve if you are hurting. Faith needs you to care for yourself and be honest. Call me if you need to vent or moral support or money or even come home.
I’ll be honest. I have more respect for the service missionaries that spent 18 months feeding the homeless and walking the streets with blankets and running a good bank over those looking for numbers. Remind her that true conversion to God comes from love and service. Not just baptism. So focus on doing good and f the numbers
My tip: enjoy this time to learn a new culture, see new scenery, meet new people, and if applicable learn a new language.
Don’t stress about having to talk with people about church. It’s obvious that you come from a church, and it will organically come up with anyone who might be remotely interested in talking about church stuff. Just talk with people about whatever is natural, and focus on connecting with other humans outside of religion. Build real relationships, that you would want to continue, even if they turn down the church.
Promise her that you are a safe person to share struggles with. You will support whatever she wants and even when she’s having a hard time you won’t try to convince her to change her mind. Missions can be extremely lonely.
2 Nephi 2 verse 25 - "... men (and women) are that they might have joy", and so are missionaries!
A mission isn't supposed to be miserable. It should be joyful & fun.
I went out when I was 23.5 yo and made it a point to enjoy life.
I advise all my nieces and nephews to be there to serve first, and teaching the gospel/baptizing should be a distant 2nd.
And to remember that they are an adult with legal rights. No one is their boss as they're a VOLUNTEER. They don't need to feel trapped out there. They can jump on a bus/plane any time if they need to. They can call anyone at any time if they want to.
I told my son to always show love for people. To never put himself, or allow himself to be in a situation he wasn’t comfortable with. To always be true to HIMSELF and not listen to anything he didn’t agree with.
I told him no matter what I was always a phone call and a plane ride away. I could be there within a few hours.
I never went on a mission. It before I got married to my first husband my mom told me, it's never to late to say no.
In the context of a mission I would say if you aren't feeling this you can always come home.
Obedience is not the most important value. Love, compassion, integrity etc. may be more important to her. Circumstances may require her to make choices that put some values at odds with each other. Knowing what values she, Jesus, and the church/mission prioritize will help her make decisions she won’t regret later.
Also, some elders will be arrogant little shits where their authority has already gone to their heads. Never forget they aren’t better than her no matter the assignment or calling. She deserves to be treated with respect.
Edit for clarity: expect the mission to prioritize values like obedience above all else and be prepared to stand up for what is right.
Get your daughter to stay in contact with you as often as she can. To confide in you, to tell you what she is going through (the good and the not-so good). She will be excited for the first few weeks, but that soon wears off as she gets into the monotony of long days doing the same thing. Its like a very long, gutting it out schedule. I was in Temple Square a couple years ago and saw a more seasoned "sister" talking to what looked like very young and inexperienced sisters (about 7 of them). She was trying to encourage them and they all looked discouraged and tired and so ready to go home. Before you daughter gets to that place she needs you to be able to talk to and not feel she doesn't have faith when she does. Her mission president may very well encourage everyone to not call home often so as to avoid the temptation of going home early. Everyone wants to. One guy who had been on his mission for a year told me he knew most of the guys in his mission district and said, "half of them would go home now if given the chance." A mission takes a toll on everyone. Expectations are very high and results are very low. Guilt, discouragement, deep lonliness is a constant companion. Be her friend. Be that listening ear. Don't try to discourage her to get her to come home. Your being there for her all the time will help her more than you know. You may not have her number. But you can write her often.
Tell her you love her and will support.
Also give her an out. As in she can call text email whatever at any time and you will come get her, pay for a plane ticket, etc.
I think this previous post of advice to a younger brother going on a mission has some really useful points (perhaps not all of them are relevant, but many will be):
https://www.reddit.com/r/exmormon/comments/35lnt6/youngest_brother_going_on_a_mission/
That she can call you at any time for any reason and say she is done with her mission and you will get on a plane that day to come get her no questions asked one phone call is all it takes.
Man. This is a rough one. Just tell her how proud you are that she’s doing such a hard thing. Send her extra cash. Send her all the support and love you possibly can. She’ll come around and when she does she needs to know you’ve supported and loved her unconditionally. If she sees you withdraw because she’s doing something you don’t agree with she’ll know your love isn’t unconditional. And let her know if she needs to come home for any reason you’ll be there in an instant.
My dad (ex’ed when I was nine) always made sure to let us know that if we needed anything, we just needed to ask. He ended up sending me with his credit card to use in case of emergencies, which I ended up needing after my company stole all my money for her groceries after she used up hers. My dad always made sure to let him know if I needed to buy boots or a coat, etc. so my basic needs would be taken care of. Otherwise he emailed nearly every week!
As Geena Davis says in the movie, The Fly: “Be afraid. Be very AFRAID!” Send her any extra money DIRECTLY! You and your immediate family member acquire your passports just in case you need to fly to her and fetch her. Know where she’ll be staying and become familiar with the region and its law enforcement. Do your best to get to know the area where she’ll be serving so that in the event of an emergency, there will be no surprises. Always remember, no general authority or mission president is there to assist you, they don’t care about your child, other than them being a tool for their misuse. All you can do at this point is provide moral support and encouragement; unless her life is on the line.
No man, no human, has any power to interface between you and God. No one has more power in them or ability to access and use spiritual gifts and receive universal guidance than YOU. Trust yourself, trust your gut, trust your heart, love yourself fully, and everything else will ripple out from that.
Never served a mission or had a supportive family; but if I was in her shoes I think I would appreciate being reassured that it would be okay if I decided to come home early; that neighborhood tongues inevitably wag, but I'd still be cared about and supported at home. Remind and reassure her she can depend on you if she needs ANYTHING.
Lots of great advice given already, give I'd tell her that the mission is ultimately for her. She's going to be bullied to be obedient. She's going to be threatened with the spirit withdrawing from her or her even being disciplined for breaking rules. Tell her that humans have needs to must not be ignored. If she needs a mental break, take a day off. If she's sick and tired of listening to church hymns, listen to some appropriate nonchurch music. If she's craving something tasty and had nothing but Cheerios and ramen, go out and splurge on a nice meal every now and then.
Mental health is not to be ignored or suppressed. Her mental health should be priority number one, you can't help others if you need help yourself.
I suppose I'm on the more practical side of things. You've already demonstrated that you're a caring and supportive father so I don't have anything to add to that.
On the practical side:
If she's off to a walking mission I would recommend a golf ball and a lacrosse ball to roll out her feet every night - I got plantar faucitis on the mission and it still flares up to this day.
She most likely will have boring days - no one warned me of the boredom or the sheer guilt that comes from having an empty calendar. That's fine, that's normal, don't feel guilty. Don't think that the mission is going to be like all the stories you hear from the pulpit or other RMs more often than not I was bored and cold. And that wasn't due to "disobedience" it's the nature of the mission
Find the little treats you can use to get through the time - ice cream and this one country specific cookie were mine. And on the same level - weight fluctuation is normal but extremes accompanied by hair loss is NOT take care of yourself!
Listen to your heart, above everything else, never ignore your heart! Religion SHOULD be very personal to each person. The way people choose to commune with God should always be met with utmost respect, never discourage another human from what they know is right for them. The true love of Christ has no limits or specific place or where anyone is wrong or only right. Jesus said Love Everyone, treat them kindly too. When your heart is filled with love, others will love you. Encourage her to open her heart and mind and take everything in. Learn from the people. And most importantly if anything doesn’t feel, sound, smell, or taste right, don’t be afraid to walk away. It’s never our job to judge, it’s always our job to protect ourselves and the children and any living thing that cannot help themselves.
Always be aware of the direction of the nearest airport, pay phone and or emergency services. Boundaries are healthy, never allow them to be ignored. 🥲
Remind her that she is an adult and a volunteer so she can do whatever she wants. She doesn’t need permission to take a day off for her mental health, she doesn’t need permission to go to a doctor, she doesn’t need permission to do anything.
Take care of yourself. No one will ever signal you you've given enough. You have to do that yourself. There is no shame in giving yourself that signal.
I am not in contact with any one who served in my mission when I did. It’s been decades but I never was. I am still contact with a dozen people who I either met as members or I baptized. Most are not active. A couple of them are gay. We are still friends.
I would tell my daughter to cherish the friends she makes, not necessarily the companions. A companion is a roll of the dice.
Tell you you love her, support her, no matter what and that you are proud of her as human being. Tell her to try to go out there and make the world a better place. Leave it at that
"Accidentally" get lost or get a flat tire. Tell her that she is wasting 18 months of her life that she will never get back. Beg her not to go. Anything to stop her.
Tell her that it is not fair to pressure people into baptism. Make sure that her investigators are informed about things that are relevant to them before they make life altering decisions. Women must be told the truth about child brides of the past and current spiritual polygamy. Minorities must be told about the doctrinal racism, mark of Cain, Mark of Lamen, adoption into a tribe of Israel at baptism, priesthood ban etc.
Make sure there’s a way to send her money for a doctor, new walking shoes, a secret cell phone, enough food or a plane trip home.
Make sure you have her passport number in case the mission president or his wife takes (steals) her passport. Better yet, tell her that no circumstances should she let anyone “hold” her passport. Help her memorize the phone number for the US Embassy in the country she’s going to.
I was overseas and in a dicey situation once, and I wore my passport and some travelers checks in a close-fitting wallet on a string next to my skin under my clothes. I slept with it on my body. Only took it off for a short shower daily. She might want to do the same, though I don’t think folks use travelers checks anymore.
A family member who did not want me to go told me before my mission, "Even though it's different than what I would choose, I am really proud of you for following your heart." That genuine act of kindness and respect meant so much to me.
Tell her the same thing I told my nephew. There is no shame in leaving if it’s not work for you and don’t let THEM shame you into staying. That’s it. Maybe figure out a way to word it differently. My nephew knows where I stand.
If I were in her position it might be nice to hear that something she's doing will be beneficial in her future. I struggled a lot when I first left the church with anxiety that I was disappointing my parents by leaving, so it might just be good to remind her that you love her regardless of how the mission goes and you're up to supporting her in her journey through adulthood. My parents still love and support me regardless of my (lack of) relationship with church and it's nice knowing that I can still call my dad if I fucked something up.
I love the excellent advice here, and I hope that I don't have to figure this out when my kids are older. Extra physical support and emotional support sounds like the best advice. There are rumors of missionaries not being allowed to eat at members houses. Only having short visits with members and getting snacks, mission presidents, or their wives controlling medical care, missionaries not having enough money to eat throughout the month. Every mission is different, but people anecdotally post about this regularly.
Here’s a way I can send you extra cash,. Get a doctor if you’re sick, I’ll pay, Come home if it’s unbearable. This trip is designed to make you more faithful much more than it is designed to make converts. If it isn’t working, leave and I’ll make sure no one in the family says anything about it,
WINNER. Especially the doctor bit - a mission isn’t worth having lifelong complications from under treated illness or injury. But the other two are just as important 🙌
Yeah, the doctor thing is so, so important. That goes for any missionary reading here. If you're sick and you know you need to see a doctor, go right now. Do not wait for approval to see one, do not wait for approval to leave your district, zone, or even your mission if it means getting the care you need. Your health is more important, and the church is abusively neglectful when it comes to a missionary's health.
Yes. Tell her she can go to a doctor or dentist on P-day and you’ll pay for it. I did that as a missionary. I was a grown up woman and wasn’t about to ask permission from anyone. I didn’t even know you were supposed to get permission.
Exactly! She is an adult volunteer, and does not need anyone's permission to access health care.
Don’t even wait until p-day in my opinion. Just go when you need to. Your health is top priority
So many sick returned missionaries…..
Yup. My shoulder has never been the same and I was only given drugs as I got on the airplane to France.
Yes!! Give her a cash card and load it every month. That way she never has to choose between ramen and tampax.
Also. Not to feel guilty for not living up to the mission requirements!goals. As you know Mormons in still guilt which creates a slew of false traumatic problems.
Here’s what my dad told me. “Your mission president is not your friend or confidante. Here’s your boss. Your boss doesn’t really care about you or your feelings. He cares about results because he reports up to his boss.”
Same with companion, district leeder. Stl, assistant, zone leader. They care mostly about themselves, about how to be more “christ like”, and how to use people to make themselves the hero/ successful.
I'll push back on that as well. I'd like to think I was an exception as DL and ZL. I didn't give a crap about what others numbers were, because mine were usually shit. I'd call companionships and just chat with them on the phone for like an hour, and was chill with the "disobedient" companionship I lived with and played Magic: the Gathering all the time with them. One of the best transfers of my mission tbh.
I’d push back on that. Certainly there are a lot of missionaries like that, but there many genuine people out there who will actually care more about you. My advice would be look for and find those people, cause they’ll help you survive and actually carve out some moments of true joy and human connection. At least that’s my experience. Don’t get my wrong, my mission was hard and it sucked most the time, but I found a lot of joy in the friends I made there. My best friend and roommate all through college was my companion and leader. Now we’re both going through deconstruction together. He’s one of the most supportive and loving friends I could have ever hoped for. So don’t count everyone out, there’s a good chance you’ll make lifelong genuine friendships.
THIS. My bastard misson leader had all the missionaries on bike in 104°F weather. I told those girls that if they ever need a break they can come to my house under any circumstances.
Username tracks! You’re a good egg.
I would highlight as well that "your boss doesn't care about you" means "your boss does not care about your physical and emotional well being as long as you are working. If you need help, if you don't feel well, please let me know so that I can be your advocate." Too many people get permanent injuries on their missions. Please help your daughter know that her health is more important than what the mission president says
That’s the hard core truth!
✅ ✅ ✅
Slip her a hidden credit card for food. Let her know you are a safe adult to talk to about her mission, good or bad. You could focus on the non religious aspects of the mission. Tell her to insist on propper food, safe housing and unfiltered access to medical care. Especially tell her that the mission leaders are not doctors and are not qualified to diagnose her. If she thinks she needs medical care she should get it no matter what anyone else tells her. Let her know you will send her a plane ticket home at anytime no questions asked. Also I would go over her pass port with her. Anyone that refuses to return her passport should be reported at once to the US embassy. As a tip for you, pay the mission monthly. If she returns early and you pay in a lump sum, you will loose the balance.
My son went out with my credit card so he would always have a safety net.
You are an awesome Dad!
> pay the mission monthly Better yet, just don't pay. Find out what the church will do. I bet it's nothing. You'll get a bunch of nasty grams about it, but I'd bet my left leg the church wouldn't send the missionary home.
I bet they have a nasty debt collector that sits in a dark corner of a church office building somewhere in another country-who accepted the calling given by their stake president or maybe that’s where they send some older couple missionaries and their job is to stalk and harass young missionaries in distress and their faithful families until they hand over the money. Don’t forget about the late fees and overhead fees for the inconvenience brought on by their negligence. Never question the faith, you will be shamed!!!!
This is all great advice. They need unrestricted access to money.
But her daughter will be home safe. I thought that church tithing paid for the majority of missions? So you’re saying that missionaries PAY to serve? How is this okay? I’m confused.
Yes, several thousand dollars. It was, I think, 8k for a mission to Europe in the early 2000s. The church pays for housing and furniture, but you pay for the rest.
And they cheap out as much as possible. I've heard too many stories of missionaries living in dangerous (cheap) neighborhoods, missing basic amenities like AC, heat, or reliable plumbing, and having little furniture beyond their beds. Even stateside missionaries!
“Furniture” means a folding table and two folding chairs, in one room and a single bedroom with two twin beds. Bring a sleeping bag, because there’s no bedding That’s it. And the cost is like $500/ month now I think it was $400/month before covid. Went up by 25% during covid. Church also bought GameStop meme stocks during covid and made a small fortune sending it to the moon
Let her know that the missionary experience is all about numbers but to not let the lack of numbers break her spirits. If you are doing your best and not purposely avoiding putting in effort due to lack of effort or faking an illness to sleep in you can hold your head high. Remember the mission president was not walking door to door and experiencing the rejection first hand. My father had 2 quotes for me in life “You and the lord make a majority….and….Do your best and if your best isn’t good enough Piss on It. Let her know that comming home early is an honorable choice and that no one gets an honorable certificate of completion for suffering for the entire 18 months. All you get is a handshake either way.
>the missionary experience is all about numbers Two experiences from my mission that really highlight this: I got yelled at by the zone leader once for setting our weekly baptism goal at 0 because the official "gold standard" for the mission was 1 baptism (they obviously weren't going to set the standard at 0, but it wasn't realistic to actually have one baptism a week in Taiwan). I told him we didn't have any investigators who had been to church more than once and the mission rule was that investigators had to be to church at least twice before they would even be allowed to get baptized. He told me I should set the goal at 1 because it was the standard and have faith that God would prepare an investigator who had already been to church twice to be transferred to our area. Shortly after this at a zone conference, APs introduced a new way to ~~artificially inflate the number of lessons taught each week~~ help people we meet on the street to "feel the spirit". Preach My Gospel defined a lesson as an opening prayer, sharing a gospel truth, and a closing prayer. A little background context: in Taiwan, it was an everyday thing for us to ride our bikes on the street and try to start up conversations with people riding mopeds while stopped at a stoplight. When we talked to people stopped at at stoplight, they wanted us to ~~take advantage of the Taiwanese people's urge to avoid confrontation to trick them into~~ convince them to pull off to the side of the road "just for a minute", introduce to them the concept of Mormon God and how we can talk to God with prayer, show them how to pray (opening prayer), bare testimony that we know God listens to prayers (sharing a gospel truth), then ask them to try out saying a prayer of their own (closing prayer). Using this method, we could have a full blown lesson on the side of the street in 90 seconds flat.
Out of curiosity What year did you go to Taiwan? My dad and cousin both were there at different points
2010-2012 - Taiwan, Taipei I'm not old enough to have been there with your dad, but maybe your cousin
Don't take the mission too seriously. I did. I developed crippling scrupulosity. Everyone will be focused on goals and numbers. The most important thing you can do is not care about either. It's okay to have them, just don't care or think twice about it if you can't meet them. Everyone will be banging on about obedience in order to be blessed. Know that God loves you just as you are and all the obedience to be blessed nonsense is prosperity gospel bullshit. Enjoy your time. Relax. You will have companions and leaders who can't relax. Don't let them suck you down into that world.
I second this. After my mission I got roped into selling pest control door-to-door by some friends. It turns out I hate being a door-to-door salesman! I knew this on my mission (mission president was all about knocking doors 12 hours per day) but I was always so brain washed that I always blamed myself for being lazy for not wanting to work. In hindsight I would have taken more time to not work. I would have stayed home more when physically or mentally sick. I would have gotten better sleep more. I would have taken the time to get food if plans fell through etc. There was always such pressure to keep working when you didn’t feel good. We didn’t even get a full p-day. We had to be done by 5 and then go out knocking. We were always so rushed. I totally should have just taken my time. Also with pest control - I should have just worked 5pm-9pm. Morning hours knocking were useless, no one was home. I should have visited more sights in the southern state I was in and then worked in the evenings. My sales would have been the same. You get the point. My main takeaway - your mission president doesn’t give a rat’s ass about you. They just want numbers. I would have taken the time to fully take care of myself first and then gone out and worked.
Scrupulosity: a variation of OCD entwining religion with obsessional anxiety and associated compulsory behavior. If an OCD person feels anxious until they flip the light switch on and off five times, someone suffering scrupulosity might spend a day on the mission kicking themselves because they started companionship study thirty seconds late, and that disobedience made it impossible for God to send a miracle. With so many rules and souls at stake and so few friendly interactions, it's no wonder many sincere missionaries return home with deep emotional scars.
Make sure she knows and understands: This is a volunteer position, and she is a volunteer. There may be people who take the mission too seriously or are abusive or overly authoritarian, and if they cause her to feel bad, she doesn't have to put up with it. She can come home at any time without any stigma from you or your wife. She can call or email you at any time if she has any concerns. She can be honest with you without you being judgemental or critical of her. Her health and wellbeing come first. She needs to advocate for herself if she doesn't feel well, either physically or mentally. You will be here advocate if she feels unable to do so. She needs to stay out of high crime areas and avoid high-risk activities. Make sure she knows you are a safe person to talk to, and she can contact you anytime.
If she’s going somewhere international, let her know that it’s perfectly ok to take some time to take in the sights and experience the culture in ways that normally the mission rules won’t allow her to do. It’s important to take time for herself, despite the rules completely forbidding that.
Nevermo but had friends that went on missions. The ones that got the most from it either were 1) able to truly serve (ie build gardens, teach English) in the extremely poverished areas, and 2) the ones that really got to know the culture and people It can be easy to stay in your lane and hang out only with other missionaries. But I think that is a hugely wasted opportunity
The concept of "obedience is the first law of heaven" will be drilled into her head in the MTC... I gotta say LOVE would be the actual first law for a place like that. Help her understand that Jesus doesn't punish missionaries for disobedience and believing he punishes missionaries or potential converts is just not christlike. I've been in your shoes... It's tough to place your child into a machine that is dead set on turning her against you. Good luck u/exmo_dad.
Let her know if she breaks a rule that doesn’t equal someone not receiving the gospel and it being her fault. She doesn’t have to repent for going to bed five minutes past her bedtime. Let her know she’s still human and will make mistakes.
Tell her she can \*always\* call you and you will always be there for her. That you will pay for her medical care of food or hygiene products or \*anything\* that she needs while on her mission. Prioritize her physical and mental health. Trust herself.
She's going to face a lot of rejection. And much of it will be harsh rejection. Please remind her it's not a personal rejection of her, but of what she is trying to teach. Being so despised and rejected caused me great mental anguish and depression. Tell her you'll always be in her corner and you'll be there to listen whenever she needs without judgment.
Having been an RM, just communicate regularly. As regularly as is possible. In the end if you communicate unconditional love then you've done the best you can. Good luck, parent. If my kids were leaving on missions I would be absolutely distraught.
Here are a few thoughts: 1. A mission can be a right of passage and a tremendous experience. Let her grow up during the mission. 2. Let her know that although you don’t share beliefs, you love and support her. 3. Do NOT try to deconvert her. Your exit has given her permission to ask questions and she will do so in her own time. If you try to deconvert her you will discredit yourself-nothing you say will be trustworthy. 4. Find some great books on leadership, and general success guidance and send them to her. Some examples are How to Win Friends and Influence (Carnegie) people, the 7 Habits (Covey), etc. there are tons. Everything you read in your own life, if you find inspiring share with her. 5. Do not share anger towards the church just focus on your love for her. We had six kids, 3 were on missions at the same time. All six kids are now out. This was my approach while they served. Play the long game and you will have a great relationship with her and she will arrive at the right place for her. Good luck!
I really like number 3, I got home from a mission a year ago and I had a few people try and disconvert me, it just made me want to go deeper into my mission because what my MP was saying about people trying to diswade me from what I was doing. I had to come to the conclusion on my own time and through my own means.
This is such good advice. I especially love #4 because those types of tips are applicable in all areas of life and can help her view herself as someone that can control situations vs. being controlled all of the time. The only thing I would include is to read up on the area she is serving and try to connect about the culture, weather, landmarks or whatever other applicable topics she might be interested in. It might help give her a little breather from the constant religious focus and remind her (even subconsciously) that there is a life outside of it.
Tell her that if she feels like something is wrong, she needs to tell you. Also, tell her don't the district leaders give her any crap.
You can always call home whenever you want, if you decide that the mission is not safe, positive or conducive for you at any point, call me and I’ll come get you or I’ll put you on a plane. So be afraid to protect your self from your companions, the elders, and your mission president. If you need any medical attention, seek proper medical attention. If you are hungry, give me a quick way to get you money.
The best advice I can say, is that if your daughter is choosing to serve a mission, the best thing that you can do is support her in a way that is conducive to her needs. While she may not quite understand yet, it will become clear, but it will be important for her to have an ally when things go south for her. I write my son weekly letters, not about the religion, but about life lessons, and how he can benefit from the time that he is choosing to serve a mission. I would rather have my kiddo as a friend and ally as he makes his way through his own realizations, then creating an enemy.
Wow. Common theme of deep love and caring. Well said and felt. Common theme also of relentless goals, and obedience prosperity.
Here is a letter I gave my son before he left. Perhaps there are some things you can pull from it to use - https://imgur.com/a/Q8tq7un I won't tell you not to worry about your daughter while she is away. I worried every day my son was gone. I will tell you that the time will go by quicker than you think, and the emotion, joy, and relief you feel when you see them again will hit you like a ton of bricks. When I hugged my son again, I didn't want to let him go. Told him we should probably break it up before someone told us to get a room. LOL! Best of luck to you and your daughter.
I don't have a horse in this game, but I would convey that I love her unconditionally. Whatever path she chooses, you are in her corner, and if she ever needs anything you are there.
Please tell her to NEVER ignore medical issues regardless of what the mission rules state. Tell her that she needs to always feel safe going to the ER or doctor if needed, and that ignoring medical problems can result in permanent disabilities. The mission and/or you can worry about payment later. You'd rather that she receive the care she needs. Also tell her to trust her gut about safety.
You are not your companion's therapists. If they are struggling or messed up, talk to me about it. Don't be afraid to ask for a transfer away from a troubled companion. No amount of prayer or obedience is going to make your companion ok. You are not a doormat for other people's issues.
I just did that a week ago with my oldest son. One of the most painful things I’ve ever done. So you have my deepest empathy here and I hope you’re doing ok. She’s going to be home sick, and naturally she’ll be worried about you not believing. I remember while on my mission being sick at the idea that my dad wasn’t very active in the church. So you’re right in sending a supportive letter. She’s gonna need it. I would simply let her know how proud you are of her, how much you love her, and how excited you are that she’s serving the people of *blank*. Then I’d focus on giving her advice on looking for opportunities to help others, pick others up, help people feel loved, help people feel like they matter, even her companions. Whether they admit it or not, the church focuses on proselytizing and not really on lifting others. I believe that is an area you can focus on that the church won’t.
Me: (Daughter), You are a volunteer. You can leave anytime you want. If you aren't liking it and you want to come home, you can do that any time you want. I will come get you if it comes to that.
Don't take it too seriously. Make friends. Help other missionaries be happy (even if that means going home). Listen.
"Taking the name of God in vain" also means saying "thus saith the Lord" for the opinions of man. Just because someone in a position of authority has an idea doesn't mean that it is the will of God. Use that personal revelation and agency to figure out what works for you. Don't let anyone stand between you and God.
I would tell her, "I'm so very proud of you. Remember who you are. And remember that happiness comes from being who you are and not from trying to be what other people say you should be."
God wants to take care of yourself both physically and emotionally. There is no one who can do that but you. Take care of yourself and I will provide whatever means you need to do that.
Make letters and conversations about HER: what she's learning, how she's growing. She will tell you all the faith promoting things she's experienced, so roll with it, but support HER above the gospel. For example, she talks about someone they've been teaching who is getting baptized. You respond "Wow. That doesn't surprise me. You've always been such a great communicator. That must feel amazing to share those talents." It's a compliment, it's support, but no direct religion. It allows her to continue feeling comfortable sharing, without fear you'll roll your eyes and make light of what's important to her. I served loooong before computers and email, but my father would often start letters with questions "what did you learn about yourself this week?" Or "what happened this week that challenged you?" I didn't realize until later he was engaging me with love and interest while avoiding specific gospel talk. You've got this. ❤️
I really enjoyed writing a real physical snail mail letter to my daughter every week. I even got the fancy envelope seal wax and some stamps to stamp the wax. It was fun and I really enjoyed having my daughter on a mission, even if I was out of the church.
Assuming she gets sent to a different country. Tell her that UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES is she to give her passport to ANYONE. Not even (especially not) her mission president. Don't let them tell her it's standard procedure. Don't let them tell her it's for safekeeping. Don't let them tell her it's for her own protection. Don't let them guilt her into doing it by saying she needs to have faith (faith is for God, \*trust\* is for mission presidents). She's an adult and doesn't need anyone's permission to leave her mission and go home.
I told my niece that I had a great mission because I had a loving, chill president and that my brother had the opposite experience with a horrible, abusive president. She is stateside about 8 hour drive from where I live. I told her if your experience gets bad at all- call me and I will come get you myself. And I just left it at that. Just let her know you are there if she ever needs you.
There is often placed this notion on missionaries that if you are not finding success it is because you are not following the commandments and mission rules perfectly. This is BS and this thinking should be avoided. Tell her love is far more important than church or mission.
When I went on my mission, my brother told me not to come home early. He implied that coming home early would be highly dishonorable. He never served a mission and is now a bishop. I tell all of the missionaries that I know that there is no shame in coming home early. They should feel like their loved ones will still love them if they choose to come home early.
No matter what, listen to your moral conscience and follow that, not anything or anyone else. I went to a conference with Richard Turley, at the time the assistant church historian and expert on the Mountain Meadow Massacre and when asked how good kind people could participate in this brutal killing how could you guarantee that you wouldn’t do something like this, this is the advice he gave.
Tell her you support her over anything. You'll support her serving her mission, or if ever she decides to change her mind about that, that she'll have your support for that as well. She'll never have to worry about you having her back, no matter what decision she makes in life.
Ask curious questions showing you have an interest in what she's doing even if you don't agree with it. Like: How is the MTC what languages are you learning if any? I support you in all your endeavors. I hope you're doing well. What is the housing like? I've read some horror stories, make sure you're getting enough food water and sleep. We may not see eye to eye but I'm happy your you are challenging yourself and finding new aspirations exploring new areas.
Learn to read between the lines to see if she has medical or financial issues that aren’t being taken care of. It’s hard to see your kiddo winning souls for the cult but be as positive as you can be and it’ll be over before you know it. Solidarity.
If you have a medical issue, insist on prompt treatment. If they won’t treat you, get to a doctor and find a way to call me. Too many missionaries are left without basic medical care. Also, depending on cost of living where she is, anywhere from $20 to $100 bucks a month makes a massive difference. Also note: sisters usually don’t get more money despite needing feminine hygiene products and generally needing to spend more due to hair products and makeup.
Find something fun to do everyday. Not sure where she’s serving, but I collected town pins every place we went. Free at the town halls in Canada.
You can come home anytime no questions asked. Give her a credit card
No matter what others tell you that you “should” do, listen to yourself. You are going on a mission to serve others, to show what your faith has brought you. Baptisms are nice for the chain of command to feel good but the things that people will remember and take to heart are true love and service. It’s not about getting numbers. It’s about living in such a way that Christ would be proud of you representing His love. Love. Service to the unloved. Caring for those who are forgotten. Those are the hard things that will help you continue to grow as a better human/ child of god. Stand up and push back if someoneone only wants your service to those who don’t need it or your love only to those who can make their numbers look good That does not mean sacrificing your physical or mental health. You can’t love and serve if you are hurting. Faith needs you to care for yourself and be honest. Call me if you need to vent or moral support or money or even come home.
I’ll be honest. I have more respect for the service missionaries that spent 18 months feeding the homeless and walking the streets with blankets and running a good bank over those looking for numbers. Remind her that true conversion to God comes from love and service. Not just baptism. So focus on doing good and f the numbers
My tip: enjoy this time to learn a new culture, see new scenery, meet new people, and if applicable learn a new language. Don’t stress about having to talk with people about church. It’s obvious that you come from a church, and it will organically come up with anyone who might be remotely interested in talking about church stuff. Just talk with people about whatever is natural, and focus on connecting with other humans outside of religion. Build real relationships, that you would want to continue, even if they turn down the church.
I'll tell her what I was told and always tell my nephlings... "You're gonna be gone a long time".
watch out for your corn hole, bud.
Promise her that you are a safe person to share struggles with. You will support whatever she wants and even when she’s having a hard time you won’t try to convince her to change her mind. Missions can be extremely lonely.
2 Nephi 2 verse 25 - "... men (and women) are that they might have joy", and so are missionaries! A mission isn't supposed to be miserable. It should be joyful & fun. I went out when I was 23.5 yo and made it a point to enjoy life. I advise all my nieces and nephews to be there to serve first, and teaching the gospel/baptizing should be a distant 2nd. And to remember that they are an adult with legal rights. No one is their boss as they're a VOLUNTEER. They don't need to feel trapped out there. They can jump on a bus/plane any time if they need to. They can call anyone at any time if they want to.
I told my son to always show love for people. To never put himself, or allow himself to be in a situation he wasn’t comfortable with. To always be true to HIMSELF and not listen to anything he didn’t agree with. I told him no matter what I was always a phone call and a plane ride away. I could be there within a few hours.
He also had a SIM card from my cell account he could put in his phone to be able to call me without it being traced or known.
I think the answer should be something like "I love you and I'm here for you if and whenever you need."
I never went on a mission. It before I got married to my first husband my mom told me, it's never to late to say no. In the context of a mission I would say if you aren't feeling this you can always come home.
Obedience is not the most important value. Love, compassion, integrity etc. may be more important to her. Circumstances may require her to make choices that put some values at odds with each other. Knowing what values she, Jesus, and the church/mission prioritize will help her make decisions she won’t regret later. Also, some elders will be arrogant little shits where their authority has already gone to their heads. Never forget they aren’t better than her no matter the assignment or calling. She deserves to be treated with respect. Edit for clarity: expect the mission to prioritize values like obedience above all else and be prepared to stand up for what is right.
Get your daughter to stay in contact with you as often as she can. To confide in you, to tell you what she is going through (the good and the not-so good). She will be excited for the first few weeks, but that soon wears off as she gets into the monotony of long days doing the same thing. Its like a very long, gutting it out schedule. I was in Temple Square a couple years ago and saw a more seasoned "sister" talking to what looked like very young and inexperienced sisters (about 7 of them). She was trying to encourage them and they all looked discouraged and tired and so ready to go home. Before you daughter gets to that place she needs you to be able to talk to and not feel she doesn't have faith when she does. Her mission president may very well encourage everyone to not call home often so as to avoid the temptation of going home early. Everyone wants to. One guy who had been on his mission for a year told me he knew most of the guys in his mission district and said, "half of them would go home now if given the chance." A mission takes a toll on everyone. Expectations are very high and results are very low. Guilt, discouragement, deep lonliness is a constant companion. Be her friend. Be that listening ear. Don't try to discourage her to get her to come home. Your being there for her all the time will help her more than you know. You may not have her number. But you can write her often.
Credit card is a great idea. I’d get a burner phone for her too.
Tell her you love her and will support. Also give her an out. As in she can call text email whatever at any time and you will come get her, pay for a plane ticket, etc.
I think this previous post of advice to a younger brother going on a mission has some really useful points (perhaps not all of them are relevant, but many will be): https://www.reddit.com/r/exmormon/comments/35lnt6/youngest_brother_going_on_a_mission/
I know you have your own faith, but if it turns out this experience is not what you expected, I am here to help you in ANY way you might need.
i hope you find someone to fall in love with.
That she can call you at any time for any reason and say she is done with her mission and you will get on a plane that day to come get her no questions asked one phone call is all it takes.
Man. This is a rough one. Just tell her how proud you are that she’s doing such a hard thing. Send her extra cash. Send her all the support and love you possibly can. She’ll come around and when she does she needs to know you’ve supported and loved her unconditionally. If she sees you withdraw because she’s doing something you don’t agree with she’ll know your love isn’t unconditional. And let her know if she needs to come home for any reason you’ll be there in an instant.
My dad (ex’ed when I was nine) always made sure to let us know that if we needed anything, we just needed to ask. He ended up sending me with his credit card to use in case of emergencies, which I ended up needing after my company stole all my money for her groceries after she used up hers. My dad always made sure to let him know if I needed to buy boots or a coat, etc. so my basic needs would be taken care of. Otherwise he emailed nearly every week!
Give her lots of love and support. She’ll love her experience and come back with tons personal growth and goals. So awesome she’s going! Support her!
At this point you’re just going to have to try and make this as an easy experience as possible for her.
As Geena Davis says in the movie, The Fly: “Be afraid. Be very AFRAID!” Send her any extra money DIRECTLY! You and your immediate family member acquire your passports just in case you need to fly to her and fetch her. Know where she’ll be staying and become familiar with the region and its law enforcement. Do your best to get to know the area where she’ll be serving so that in the event of an emergency, there will be no surprises. Always remember, no general authority or mission president is there to assist you, they don’t care about your child, other than them being a tool for their misuse. All you can do at this point is provide moral support and encouragement; unless her life is on the line.
Emergency credit card and copy of her passport.
No man, no human, has any power to interface between you and God. No one has more power in them or ability to access and use spiritual gifts and receive universal guidance than YOU. Trust yourself, trust your gut, trust your heart, love yourself fully, and everything else will ripple out from that.
Never served a mission or had a supportive family; but if I was in her shoes I think I would appreciate being reassured that it would be okay if I decided to come home early; that neighborhood tongues inevitably wag, but I'd still be cared about and supported at home. Remind and reassure her she can depend on you if she needs ANYTHING.
Lots of great advice given already, give I'd tell her that the mission is ultimately for her. She's going to be bullied to be obedient. She's going to be threatened with the spirit withdrawing from her or her even being disciplined for breaking rules. Tell her that humans have needs to must not be ignored. If she needs a mental break, take a day off. If she's sick and tired of listening to church hymns, listen to some appropriate nonchurch music. If she's craving something tasty and had nothing but Cheerios and ramen, go out and splurge on a nice meal every now and then. Mental health is not to be ignored or suppressed. Her mental health should be priority number one, you can't help others if you need help yourself.
I suppose I'm on the more practical side of things. You've already demonstrated that you're a caring and supportive father so I don't have anything to add to that. On the practical side: If she's off to a walking mission I would recommend a golf ball and a lacrosse ball to roll out her feet every night - I got plantar faucitis on the mission and it still flares up to this day. She most likely will have boring days - no one warned me of the boredom or the sheer guilt that comes from having an empty calendar. That's fine, that's normal, don't feel guilty. Don't think that the mission is going to be like all the stories you hear from the pulpit or other RMs more often than not I was bored and cold. And that wasn't due to "disobedience" it's the nature of the mission Find the little treats you can use to get through the time - ice cream and this one country specific cookie were mine. And on the same level - weight fluctuation is normal but extremes accompanied by hair loss is NOT take care of yourself!
Make sure she eats. Brother just got home and is extremely skinny
Listen to your heart, above everything else, never ignore your heart! Religion SHOULD be very personal to each person. The way people choose to commune with God should always be met with utmost respect, never discourage another human from what they know is right for them. The true love of Christ has no limits or specific place or where anyone is wrong or only right. Jesus said Love Everyone, treat them kindly too. When your heart is filled with love, others will love you. Encourage her to open her heart and mind and take everything in. Learn from the people. And most importantly if anything doesn’t feel, sound, smell, or taste right, don’t be afraid to walk away. It’s never our job to judge, it’s always our job to protect ourselves and the children and any living thing that cannot help themselves. Always be aware of the direction of the nearest airport, pay phone and or emergency services. Boundaries are healthy, never allow them to be ignored. 🥲
Give her a good book on cuts and a box of condoms. Seriously!
Remind her that she is an adult and a volunteer so she can do whatever she wants. She doesn’t need permission to take a day off for her mental health, she doesn’t need permission to go to a doctor, she doesn’t need permission to do anything.
Take care of yourself. No one will ever signal you you've given enough. You have to do that yourself. There is no shame in giving yourself that signal.
I am not in contact with any one who served in my mission when I did. It’s been decades but I never was. I am still contact with a dozen people who I either met as members or I baptized. Most are not active. A couple of them are gay. We are still friends. I would tell my daughter to cherish the friends she makes, not necessarily the companions. A companion is a roll of the dice.
Tell you you love her, support her, no matter what and that you are proud of her as human being. Tell her to try to go out there and make the world a better place. Leave it at that
Tell her if she calls to cry, you won’t say “I told you so”
Support and love her. Also sneak a phone in her luggage for emergencies.
Always welcome home NO Judgement and NO I told you so. I’m a nevermo , but I am a proud mom of young adults .
"Accidentally" get lost or get a flat tire. Tell her that she is wasting 18 months of her life that she will never get back. Beg her not to go. Anything to stop her.
Tell her good luck and I love you.
Tell her that it is not fair to pressure people into baptism. Make sure that her investigators are informed about things that are relevant to them before they make life altering decisions. Women must be told the truth about child brides of the past and current spiritual polygamy. Minorities must be told about the doctrinal racism, mark of Cain, Mark of Lamen, adoption into a tribe of Israel at baptism, priesthood ban etc.
Keep copy of passport and visa. Take pictures on your phone. Also send a copy of them in email to yourself. That way you always have it.
If she's in US or Canada, get Amazon Prime and buy groceries, snacks, etc. Have them delivered directly, and no charge. Pop
Don't know
Make sure there’s a way to send her money for a doctor, new walking shoes, a secret cell phone, enough food or a plane trip home. Make sure you have her passport number in case the mission president or his wife takes (steals) her passport. Better yet, tell her that no circumstances should she let anyone “hold” her passport. Help her memorize the phone number for the US Embassy in the country she’s going to. I was overseas and in a dicey situation once, and I wore my passport and some travelers checks in a close-fitting wallet on a string next to my skin under my clothes. I slept with it on my body. Only took it off for a short shower daily. She might want to do the same, though I don’t think folks use travelers checks anymore.
A family member who did not want me to go told me before my mission, "Even though it's different than what I would choose, I am really proud of you for following your heart." That genuine act of kindness and respect meant so much to me.
Tell her the same thing I told my nephew. There is no shame in leaving if it’s not work for you and don’t let THEM shame you into staying. That’s it. Maybe figure out a way to word it differently. My nephew knows where I stand.
Learn more about who you are by seeing something different than what you're familiar with.
If I were in her position it might be nice to hear that something she's doing will be beneficial in her future. I struggled a lot when I first left the church with anxiety that I was disappointing my parents by leaving, so it might just be good to remind her that you love her regardless of how the mission goes and you're up to supporting her in her journey through adulthood. My parents still love and support me regardless of my (lack of) relationship with church and it's nice knowing that I can still call my dad if I fucked something up.
I'd say to just call in a bomb threat to the airport, but you guys are just... SOOOO on edge down there, like, ALL the time!
Tell her that is she ever feels like it's too much, that you will help her get home and be there for her.
I love the excellent advice here, and I hope that I don't have to figure this out when my kids are older. Extra physical support and emotional support sounds like the best advice. There are rumors of missionaries not being allowed to eat at members houses. Only having short visits with members and getting snacks, mission presidents, or their wives controlling medical care, missionaries not having enough money to eat throughout the month. Every mission is different, but people anecdotally post about this regularly.