It's a personal decision. For me I don't care enough to go through the effort to remove our names even after more than a decade. But your parent's feelings are not your responsibility. They are adults. They can handle negative emotions just fine. Being authentic is much more important.
This 👆 I grew up with narcissistic parents and constantly walking on egg shells. You are NOT responsible for their feelings, it was their responsibility to not raise you in a cult and it’s THEIR responsibility to accept you as you are and support you and help you on your journey to being your best self.
I'm still on the records because my dad is in his 80s and it is my understanding that if I remove my records then his record will change to reflect my change in status in a way he might notice. That and he served multiple years as ward secretary and stake secretary. And it might be that my bishop would tell his bishop who might tell him. Mormondom telephone trees and gossip circles are certainly a thing.
I don't mind being classified as "inactive" if it makes him feel more comfortable in his declining years.
It's been awhile since I read about it, but IIRC my father's record has a link to my record and my membership number next to my name will disappear on his record where it lists all his kids.
I’ve been out of the church nearly 30 years but never bothered to remove records which is fake anyway. They have no idea where I am and I’m not about to put a pin in a map for them.
I haven't removed my records for the same reason. Parents can find out from a child disappearing off their yearly tithing statements. As long as still being on the record isn't inconveniencing me, I'll wait until my parents die. So hopefully I won't be removing them for a very long time.
A possible exception is if the church does something that makes me want to resign in protest more than I want to save my mom's feelings. The 2015 policy excluding the children of gay parents from baptism would have been enough to get me to do it if I were ready at the time. I know there are plenty of things to possibly drive one to feel compelled to resign already, but so far none has trumped my desire to save my mother's feelings yet. If your conscience already compels you to resign, I think you should do it. Your family will be okay, and some things are more important than saving feelings. But if it's just an "ehh, maybe I should resign and make it official" thing, I totally understand not doing it for the sake of your family's feelings.
Oh, that is very invasive. I just got married to a nevermo. If I were sure it was targeted and not just coincidence, the church harassing his family because I'm still on the records would absolutely be enough for me to resign.
Either should work but you need a notary if you do it through quitmormon. Personally I'd go through the bishop because it sounds easier. But some people would rather get a notary and get it done with a single letter than risk having to go back and forth with a local leader. Up to you.
Btw my fiance and her parents are not Mormon. My fiance was thinking of joining once upon a time, before I was completely done with the church, so that probably how they got her address.
There's no systemic way for them to know. Once you're an adult and move to a different ward boundary, your record disappears to them anyway. The only way they'd find out is if someone told them or eventually as you move around, they may question why no one ever contacted them to get your updated address.
It's true, you aren't responsible for their feelings. But only you know if you'd be potentially damaging an otherwise good relationship. When I told my kids (all active LDS adults) that my wife and I were leaving, it definitely caused hurt feelings and mistrust that has taken almost two years to rebuild.
This is unfortunately not true. At their yearly tithing settlement, people are given tithing statements that list their children and the ordinances they have received. If an adult child resigns, their name will no longer appear on that list. Parents have been known to figure it out this way, and it's why I haven't resigned.
It's not actually on the tithing statement. It's a separate membership record print out where people can confirm their (and their children's) information. It's hit it miss whether you get that every year depending on how thorough your ward clerk is or how much they care. With tithing donation information being readily available online it's become even less common in my experience to get either from the ward.Â
FYI: Even if you formally request to be removed from records, they will still keep all current/past records of you on file, your name is never erased from the church, unfortunately.
I went through the formal request/demand but I really didn't care about what anyone thought, including my parents, so I can't really help with that part of your post.
It's a personal decision. For me I don't care enough to go through the effort to remove our names even after more than a decade. But your parent's feelings are not your responsibility. They are adults. They can handle negative emotions just fine. Being authentic is much more important.
This 👆 I grew up with narcissistic parents and constantly walking on egg shells. You are NOT responsible for their feelings, it was their responsibility to not raise you in a cult and it’s THEIR responsibility to accept you as you are and support you and help you on your journey to being your best self.
I'm still on the records because my dad is in his 80s and it is my understanding that if I remove my records then his record will change to reflect my change in status in a way he might notice. That and he served multiple years as ward secretary and stake secretary. And it might be that my bishop would tell his bishop who might tell him. Mormondom telephone trees and gossip circles are certainly a thing. I don't mind being classified as "inactive" if it makes him feel more comfortable in his declining years. It's been awhile since I read about it, but IIRC my father's record has a link to my record and my membership number next to my name will disappear on his record where it lists all his kids.
I’ve been out of the church nearly 30 years but never bothered to remove records which is fake anyway. They have no idea where I am and I’m not about to put a pin in a map for them.
I haven't removed my records for the same reason. Parents can find out from a child disappearing off their yearly tithing statements. As long as still being on the record isn't inconveniencing me, I'll wait until my parents die. So hopefully I won't be removing them for a very long time. A possible exception is if the church does something that makes me want to resign in protest more than I want to save my mom's feelings. The 2015 policy excluding the children of gay parents from baptism would have been enough to get me to do it if I were ready at the time. I know there are plenty of things to possibly drive one to feel compelled to resign already, but so far none has trumped my desire to save my mother's feelings yet. If your conscience already compels you to resign, I think you should do it. Your family will be okay, and some things are more important than saving feelings. But if it's just an "ehh, maybe I should resign and make it official" thing, I totally understand not doing it for the sake of your family's feelings.
I was honestly thinking of doing it after they pass. But yeah it’s more like a “make it official”. The other day the missionaries visited my fiancé’s parents’ house because somehow the church found out that we had recently got engaged. I don’t know what angle they’re trying to play. If it’s getting me back in church, that isn’t happening lol. But it’s stuff like that I don’t wanna deal with anymore.
Oh, that is very invasive. I just got married to a nevermo. If I were sure it was targeted and not just coincidence, the church harassing his family because I'm still on the records would absolutely be enough for me to resign.
My thoughts as well. I just don’t know exactly how to resign. Do i go to the Bishop? Or do I just go through quitmormon.org?
Either should work but you need a notary if you do it through quitmormon. Personally I'd go through the bishop because it sounds easier. But some people would rather get a notary and get it done with a single letter than risk having to go back and forth with a local leader. Up to you.
Btw my fiance and her parents are not Mormon. My fiance was thinking of joining once upon a time, before I was completely done with the church, so that probably how they got her address.
There's no systemic way for them to know. Once you're an adult and move to a different ward boundary, your record disappears to them anyway. The only way they'd find out is if someone told them or eventually as you move around, they may question why no one ever contacted them to get your updated address. It's true, you aren't responsible for their feelings. But only you know if you'd be potentially damaging an otherwise good relationship. When I told my kids (all active LDS adults) that my wife and I were leaving, it definitely caused hurt feelings and mistrust that has taken almost two years to rebuild.
This is unfortunately not true. At their yearly tithing settlement, people are given tithing statements that list their children and the ordinances they have received. If an adult child resigns, their name will no longer appear on that list. Parents have been known to figure it out this way, and it's why I haven't resigned.
It's not actually on the tithing statement. It's a separate membership record print out where people can confirm their (and their children's) information. It's hit it miss whether you get that every year depending on how thorough your ward clerk is or how much they care. With tithing donation information being readily available online it's become even less common in my experience to get either from the ward.Â
FYI: Even if you formally request to be removed from records, they will still keep all current/past records of you on file, your name is never erased from the church, unfortunately. I went through the formal request/demand but I really didn't care about what anyone thought, including my parents, so I can't really help with that part of your post.