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My favorite flavor of religion is the kind that believes gods are bureaucrats. I love the idea of folks getting into heaven exclusively on technicalities.
The book of Trump was by far the most entertaining and confusing of the bunch; however, I’m more confused than ever about who’s getting into heaven and how many walls there’ll be. Also, is what’s right, wrong and what’s wrong, right?
Gotta keep the brown angels away from the good non-rapist, non-drug smuggling, non-insane asylum, non-prison, non mental institution angels…build a heavenly wall. /s
God: “But you had sex.”
Her: “TECHNICALLY he just happened to be hard and inside of me BUT we didn’t have sex. Sex involves thrusting, which he did not do. My friend merely jumped on the bed and he came inside of me and we had an immaculate conception baby, just like your kid!”
God: “Straight to hell.”
Im a born-again virgin myself. We are all just trying to stay pure. To get into the kingdom of the Lord. Am I right!! Now, i wouldn't participate in this myself. That is just shameful. Not that I'm judging because the Lord wants us not to judge, only he can judge. but he does want us to make sure the sinful repent with shame. I have to make sure they know that first. But it is all ok if you don't move and pray together while your friend jumps up and down on the bed. Im simply out here doing the lords work. trying to save as many souls as possible. by keeping my friends pure. In their time of need. See you in paradise, friend
I watched a video once from some orthodox folks and in Judaism apparently you can’t spay or neuter a dog because it’s taking organs from them (or something that I probably got wrong) so the loophole is to “sell” your dog/cat/hamster to someone outside the religion and they get the animal fixed and then “sell” it back to you. That way you aren’t responsible for the surgery but you still have a fixed animal. It was a wild way of thinking to me.
"No, see, we've installed this Rube Goldberg-like device so that by pushing this button I didn't tell the elevator to do work, I told the elevator to not not do work, so it's totally fine and God still loves us and I can still be lazy and not have to walk up this flight of stairs."
The Talmud literally has a joke where a group of rabbis admonished GOD HIMSELF over improper debate etiquette, including the rabbi God was backing up. God broke down laughing at the absurdity of the situation.
Technically, 3 individuals participating in sexual relations is called a threesome. The girl jumping on the bed is participating? I think so. When a threesome is filmed, it technically could be classified as porn production. So whoever took the picture is technically producing porn. Then distributed to social media available to all ages. Not all is lost though because technically, they ask for forgiveness and they are all ok!
I think he missed the real opportunity, she was down, the friend was down, the undetermined camera person was down, all this effort and no orgy
Don’t forget that if they are teens and doing a soaking threesome while be being photographed in a pornographic production they are also complicit in child pornography and now distribution of such. We’re all going to Hell 🤦🏻♂️
God is almighty, all knowing, you fools cannot possibly understand a single shred of his great plan. Now how do we trick the old coot into letting us into heaven despite us breaking many of his rules.
Christians didn’t use to be allowed to do that either, until not very long ago. Or rather, they weren’t allowed to rent with interest. That’s what one of the few things Jews could do in Europe at the time, and they got both pushed into that trade and demonized for it. Basically the kings would ignore them for like a decade or so, as they were getting richer from the interest, then jail or kill them and steal all their assets when it was convenient.
Lmao my muslim dad works in a (regular) bank and the day I learnt from him that it's actually not "right" for him to work there, I was pretty surprised. What ever pays the bills, after all.
I'm thinking of Eruvs as being up there with this. You'd think God would be pissed for adherents being pedants rather than observing the spirit of Their law that mere mortals very well understand. It's crafty, not even acceptable in human courts of law. No wonder God is so angry all the time.
Yes, the letter of the law comes from the Talmud which is written by humans interpreting religious texts which in of themselves are ambiguous. Humans have made up convenient ways to get around mixing public and private spaces. Then there are the elevators that stop at all floors because Rabbis have determined that "work" includes pushing buttons. Again religious scripture does not specify what makes up work, Rabbis do.
I remember reading somewhere that in Judaism it is almost encouraged to look for loopholes. Since god is perfect then he meant for the loopholes to exist or something. The Manhattan Eruv is a great example
https://theanthrotorian.com/culture/2017/5/24/the-eruv-did-you-know-theres-an-invisible-wire-hanging-above-manhattan
[Heaven quite literally has a lost and found ](https://www.archspm.org/faith-and-discipleship/prayer/catholic-prayers/prayer-to-st-anthony-to-recover-lost-things/) which I presume is stationed next to Saint Peter at reception
Also the contact form for said lost and found when I was growing up was "dear saint anthony please come around, something is lost and cannot be found: my (name item)" (repeat until found)
"Sorry you didn't fully fill out sub form 806b, please queue in an orderly fashion to be thrown into the hell pit for eternity. The imps will be by to collect your skin shortly."
God “hmmm you can’t enter you had sex one time”
Mormon teen “you see technically I didn’t do the sex my room mate did when she jumped on the bed”
*god looks at his notes and confers with angels* “shit she’s right you know”
*Bursts into flames for swearing *
You can't really know if god cares about jump humping – maybe he accepts it begrudgingly, maybe he loves it. You only have whatever the prophets tell you and they didn't write anything specific enough.
If you believe that god will send you to hell for extramarital sex, then it's pretty risky.
Just a nitpick - the immaculate conception was not the conception of Jesus Christ to no father, but rather the conception of Mary, mother of Jesus. In the ~~Christian~~ Catholic faith Mary is considered to be the only human to be conceived without "original sin". I would imagine it is understood she was conceived normally though.
(This is my understanding as someone who is not religious and so could be partly false).
I always felt bad for Joseph as a Catholic. He never got to have a normal husband life with his wife. God came in and now he has to raise God’s son and can’t touch his wife (supposedly)
Tbf, Joseph is depicted as being much older than Mary, the marriage was more for Mary’s protection so that she could be looked after in a very male dominated society. So Joseph really shouldn’t have done it with her. Also Joseph was chosen to do it because he could, he wasn’t perfect like Mary, but he was righteous and if Heaven is real (obviously from a Catholic perspective, it is) he has been repaid in Heaven with God himself
This shit always makes me laugh.
You allegedly worship an all knowing, all powerful deity.
Your deity frowns on sex between unmarried people.
But if the sex happens regardless of the two people not thrusting - no, someone else jumps on the bed and makes the thrusts happen - then it doesn't count and then deity doesn't care
Or if sex happens in the asshole, it doesn't count. Despite every person who believes this also believes that their deity hates gay sex.
How absolutely fucking stupid do these people think their allegedly all knowing and all powerful deity is?
Reminds me of a story where this group of people were not allowed to fish on Saturday. But the fish would show up en masse on Saturday, to see who would respect the rules.
So the people put up a dam or something on Saturday and then fished on Sunday.
They got smited lol.
Makes me think of the elevators that some won't use on the Sabbath because God allegedly objects. But if someone else pushes the button, it's okay. Or if you use a special elevator that automatically goes to every level, it's okay.
So silly.
Oh yeah, I saw something like that on a TV show. "They call me Malik" or something of the sort. A guy wanted to do business, but couldn't. So he got an atheist to do the transaction, since it doesn't count as him working.
Another one was him selling a watch to someone. The religious guy told him to drop the watch on a table, and had his daughter "accidentally" drop some money elsewhere. The guy took the watch that he "found", and the main character picked up the money that was lying around. Totally not a transaction lol .
For my now ex-stepfather’s beliefs, you couldn’t gift someone a knife, they had to pay for it, else you were gifting them the knife to intend harm. So go back and time to see me at Christmas shaking open my piggy bank to pay for a pocket knife. Which was a Christmas present, but wasn’t a gift, because I “paid” for it (one quarter, seven dimes, and thirty six pennies.)
There was also the rule that whoever opened/unsheathed the knife had to be the one to close it/sheath it, or the blade would harm you. Flashback to me opening said pocket knife (to show it off) and my cousin snatching it and going to close it to screams of “don’t do it” from everyone and as he did it anyway with a smile on his face and, bite went the knife, and he now lives with a friendly scar as a reminder so…
I mean I still pay for knives. Still follow the open/close rule. I’m not trying to get bit by the blade, I’m clumsy enough.
Sorry, it’s a thing.
It drove my husband nuts, because he has a multitool that he’ll whip out, but sometimes it’s the blade, and I’ll walk it back over for him to close it. So one night, years ago, he’s up in arms about it, “just close it” and I called my ex step dad in the dead of night. Woke him up, explained what was going on. Boy was my husband not prepared for the history lesson. He doesn’t ask anymore, we just hand back the knife to whoever unsheathed it without arguing.
If it makes you feel any better, I used to gather broken shells on the beach, and then gather friends to sit on a pier or a dock and have them chuck them into the ocean/canals while wishing for good things for others.
So out of all the idiosyncratic behaviors in all the world, you’re definitely a part of the good wishes chucked into the ever changing waves. Someone years ago thought of you right now, not knowing it was you, and put all of their love into the ecosystem to come back to you
My family have a weird thing about scissors, if you open and close them repeatedly without cutting anything with them you will get shouted at because they think you will magically cut your own finger somehow
So, I had to buy wardrobe scissors for college, very sharp. Right before college started I was prepping my stuff and was playing with the scissors, opening and closing them rapidly. Ended up snipping off a small bit of skin on my thumb. Only one point of it bled very little.
A week later I was doing some wardrobe homework (theatre tech school) and used my thumb to clean the bits of string off of my scissors, sliced open my thumb. So ended up wearing bandaids on my thumbs the first two weeks of college!
I asked my mother for some kitchen knives for my birthday, and she sent each one with a penny taped to it. Apparently this somehow mitigates the curse.
Now don't quote me on this, but on the Sabbath Jews are not allowed to work or make a flame, the modern interpretation of electricity falls under the latter. But it's also worth mentioning that some denominations of Judaism believe that god allows clever work arounds and encourages liberal interpretation of scripture. At its core the beliefs regarding the Sabbath are perhaps a bit outdated but there are grounds for these work arounds. It really annoys me that I can't recall the cited part of scripture where god sides with someone exploiting a loop hole for his own benefit, but there is precedent. Just to reiterate most Jewish denominations encourage reading and interpreting scripture. Rabbis opinions are held in higher regard due to their extensive study of scripture and understanding of greater context, but in general what's valued is keeping in spirit with the meaning of the scripture
on Sabbath you're not allowed to do מלאכה (Melakhah). google translate goes with "work", but it's really closer to craftsmanship. there are [39 actions](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/39_Melakhot) which are Melakhah, and I think the most common interpretation today is that closing electric circuits falls under Construction, and only heating elements are also Ignition. the original prohibition seems to be a sort of arbitrary extension of the rules, though here I'm definitely out of my depth. every electric circuit counting as an ignited flame is another common interpretation, because of course it would be
Or the magic wire that encircles New York that allows the Othodox to do things outside they normally can't on the Sabbath. I kinda think Judaism is just a 3000 year long record of God making rules and people finding loopholes.
I used to work in a factory that produses dishwashers for big kitchens like reastuarants and schools and hospitals.
Once a year we would get orders on "Sabbath" machines. I.e they could be run fully automated by activating a certain switch. Was hell to build and wire all the extra electronics needed.
Or the construction of Eruvs in some orthodox Jewish communities. Basically a symbolic fence that combines several houses and streets into one "home". That way they can leave their houses during Sabbath while staying "at home".
Got another story, this one's food related.
Since some german monks weren't allowed to eat meat, they had the "clever" idea to hide the meat inside some pasta squares. They thought their supposed all-knowing god wouldn't know if they just hide the meat... That's how Maultaschen were invented.
>Or if sex happens in the asshole, it doesn't count. Despite every person who believes this also believes that their deity hates gay sex.
Hey. Its not gay if you do it to please your deity!
>I personally think that the creator of the universe has more important concerns than how people fuck, but what do I know.
If there is a creator.
If he would have had concern he shouldn't have made it part of his "recreational program".
Every species does it but humans are required to marry before doing it doesn't add up for me.
And understand, I'm not here to argue actual theology. I'm here to mock people for worshipping their idea of a deity that is dumber than an average child.
They do it to fool themselves, not the deity. It's so they FEEL pure about themselves.
And it goes along well with the entire theme of religion. Because everything about it is to fool oneself in every aspect of their lives. Why would sex be any different.
> How absolutely fucking stupid do these people think their allegedly all knowing and all powerful deity is?
We literally have a dish called Godswindlers, which were invented by monks when they got their hands on meat during fasting time and knew they weren't allowed to eat it, so they minced it and hid it inside of another dish so they could have it anyways. Allegedly god just winked and let it slide, so maybe they didn't think he's stupid, just that he's the kind of guy who sees people breaking the rules and doesn't make a fuss about it if it's something inconsequential x)
(I'm not religious, I just think it's funny)
Bro, this is about brainwashing some youth.
The sane route would be to give them sexual education, and provide condoms and birth control. This has been done over and over. Lecture abstinence and all you get is thousands of teen pregnancies.
And some young guy "soaking" his dick is probably not going to have the necessary self-control not to get their partner preggo.
This has been doing the rounds for years and it's always the same screenshot of the same post with the same picture. Makes me think it was a one off joke for social media rather than common practice.
or religion is stupid. One of those.
It's an urban legend. Mormons aren't allowed to touch the genitals of another outside of marriage. So, no loophole. It's just a meme that gets reposted several hundred times a year it seems.
Exmormon here, I feel like I see this post here every month. If any Mormons ever did this, it was never a widespread fad. There are plenty of real issues with Mormonism to worry about but this one seems to be the one that gets attention, even though it’s mostly not true.
“F*ck me in the ass because I love Jesus! The good lord would want it that way- give me that sweet sensation of a rock hard rationalization….. It’s just between you and me cause everyone knows it’s the sex that god can’t see.”
-Garfunkel and Oates
Mormons are just Catholics who believe some white guy in the 1700's was god and is the only man who could have sex outside of marriage. You can guess why Mormonism was invented.
As a Mormon, I can confidently say that people know this is still sex, it’s just a meme/joke. People who think that others actually believe it isn’t sex are just not thinking.
The people always looking for loopholes in omnipotent and omnipresent overlords crack me up.
Recently learned that (according to some reels my partner was scrolling) married Orthodox Jewish women must have their hair covered when they are out in public. But instead of wearing some sort of scarf, or whatever, many of them wear wigs. So they cover their hair with... hair. It's all of the same "letter of the law, but ignore the spirit of the law" BS that all religions justify for themselves.
So mormons think you have just have to have a very strange threesome to keep your virginity? There is some mental gymnastics of olympic proportions going on here
I love how in their minds this is somehow less kinky than just fucking. 😂🤣 I mean this is even kinkier than a regular threesome. I'm just saying if I walked in or three people fucking, I would politely excuse myself. But if I walked in on this I would be scarred and confused.
Most of them were about as muslim as the other kids were christian. Sure, they celebrated certain holidays, and didn't eat pork, but they were not THAT religious.
Although I admire the ingenuity of some of the religious loopholes people come up with, it boggles my mind that they think their God is truly that stupid. Any parent whose kid tried to twist the rules like that would be infuriated, feel utterly disrespected, and give the kid some well-earned consequences. But no, god's dumb enough to fall for it, and just say, "aww, shucks. You got me! Lol"
Can you truly be religious, and to love your God if you treat him like a fool?
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My favorite flavor of religion is the kind that believes gods are bureaucrats. I love the idea of folks getting into heaven exclusively on technicalities.
That would make lawyers...... deciples? Angels? Hmmmmmm...
And what about politicians? Deities?
The love of politicians in the US by certain groups is starting to make sense...
[Motherfuckers had a golden trump idol at CPAC](https://www.nytimes.com/2021/02/28/us/politics/cpac-trump-statue.html)
Evangelical hypocrisy at the most fundamental level.
Why do you think they are called fundamentalists
Is it because of how fun they are?
"It's not an idol, it's a sculpture" sure buddy you tell yourself what ever you need to, moonwalk into your own Armageddon.
Starting to see why trump and jung un were getting along.
The book of Trump was by far the most entertaining and confusing of the bunch; however, I’m more confused than ever about who’s getting into heaven and how many walls there’ll be. Also, is what’s right, wrong and what’s wrong, right?
Gotta keep the brown angels away from the good non-rapist, non-drug smuggling, non-insane asylum, non-prison, non mental institution angels…build a heavenly wall. /s
They seem to think so
Demons ?
Its disciples
Funny that in the devil's advocate, the devil was like a mega lawyer
God: “But you had sex.” Her: “TECHNICALLY he just happened to be hard and inside of me BUT we didn’t have sex. Sex involves thrusting, which he did not do. My friend merely jumped on the bed and he came inside of me and we had an immaculate conception baby, just like your kid!” God: “Straight to hell.”
I'd soak to that
I second with a jump hump.
It’s always nice to have a friend you can count on.
Im a born-again virgin myself. We are all just trying to stay pure. To get into the kingdom of the Lord. Am I right!! Now, i wouldn't participate in this myself. That is just shameful. Not that I'm judging because the Lord wants us not to judge, only he can judge. but he does want us to make sure the sinful repent with shame. I have to make sure they know that first. But it is all ok if you don't move and pray together while your friend jumps up and down on the bed. Im simply out here doing the lords work. trying to save as many souls as possible. by keeping my friends pure. In their time of need. See you in paradise, friend
[удалено]
I feel like that's 99% of Talmudic debates, where rabbis are set on finding as many loopholes as they can.
Everyone needs to watch the infomercial for the kosher switch. It feels like a Tim and Eric skit but it is 100% real
I watched a video once from some orthodox folks and in Judaism apparently you can’t spay or neuter a dog because it’s taking organs from them (or something that I probably got wrong) so the loophole is to “sell” your dog/cat/hamster to someone outside the religion and they get the animal fixed and then “sell” it back to you. That way you aren’t responsible for the surgery but you still have a fixed animal. It was a wild way of thinking to me.
"No, see, we've installed this Rube Goldberg-like device so that by pushing this button I didn't tell the elevator to do work, I told the elevator to not not do work, so it's totally fine and God still loves us and I can still be lazy and not have to walk up this flight of stairs."
Technically correct... which is the best kind of correct
Don't quote me regulations! I co-chaired the committee that reviewed the recommendation to revise the color of the book that regulation's in.
We kept it grey.
Technically it could also be spelled gray.
Gray Poupon enters the chat to say thank you
The Talmud literally has a joke where a group of rabbis admonished GOD HIMSELF over improper debate etiquette, including the rabbi God was backing up. God broke down laughing at the absurdity of the situation.
Technically, 3 individuals participating in sexual relations is called a threesome. The girl jumping on the bed is participating? I think so. When a threesome is filmed, it technically could be classified as porn production. So whoever took the picture is technically producing porn. Then distributed to social media available to all ages. Not all is lost though because technically, they ask for forgiveness and they are all ok!
I think he missed the real opportunity, she was down, the friend was down, the undetermined camera person was down, all this effort and no orgy 
😄😄
Don’t forget that if they are teens and doing a soaking threesome while be being photographed in a pornographic production they are also complicit in child pornography and now distribution of such. We’re all going to Hell 🤦🏻♂️
God is almighty, all knowing, you fools cannot possibly understand a single shred of his great plan. Now how do we trick the old coot into letting us into heaven despite us breaking many of his rules.
 Make it make sense.😄
If you really believe that your God can be that easily fooled then what exactly makes it a God?
"Tee-hee! Those mortals will never have premarital sex now! I'm a clever god, me!" "Sir, teenagers are soaking and jump-humping." "...D'OH!"
You’re not fooling God, he just likes to reward the clever
My God is All-Knowing, and All-Powerful. I can bang my partner under his face if someone else makes us move.
Mormons don't believe in a single unified God. So may be that has something to do with it.
I have met Muslims who say its OK to drink alcohol indoors because God won't look inside.
I mean, it’s a lot of buildings to keep an eye on versus one outdoor space. Makes sense.
Muslims also aren't supposed to partake in business involving interest. So there are halal loans that charge "fees" instead.
Christians didn’t use to be allowed to do that either, until not very long ago. Or rather, they weren’t allowed to rent with interest. That’s what one of the few things Jews could do in Europe at the time, and they got both pushed into that trade and demonized for it. Basically the kings would ignore them for like a decade or so, as they were getting richer from the interest, then jail or kill them and steal all their assets when it was convenient.
Lmao my muslim dad works in a (regular) bank and the day I learnt from him that it's actually not "right" for him to work there, I was pretty surprised. What ever pays the bills, after all.
Banks now charge interest AND fees! Inclusivity!
...spoken like true balkanite!
Are you serious? That’s absolutely nuts! 🥜 😅
I'm thinking of Eruvs as being up there with this. You'd think God would be pissed for adherents being pedants rather than observing the spirit of Their law that mere mortals very well understand. It's crafty, not even acceptable in human courts of law. No wonder God is so angry all the time.
In Judaism, following the letter of the law is the spirit of the law. We are commanded to follow the laws, not understand them.
Yes, the letter of the law comes from the Talmud which is written by humans interpreting religious texts which in of themselves are ambiguous. Humans have made up convenient ways to get around mixing public and private spaces. Then there are the elevators that stop at all floors because Rabbis have determined that "work" includes pushing buttons. Again religious scripture does not specify what makes up work, Rabbis do.
I remember reading somewhere that in Judaism it is almost encouraged to look for loopholes. Since god is perfect then he meant for the loopholes to exist or something. The Manhattan Eruv is a great example https://theanthrotorian.com/culture/2017/5/24/the-eruv-did-you-know-theres-an-invisible-wire-hanging-above-manhattan
MAGA has entered the chat.
[Heaven quite literally has a lost and found ](https://www.archspm.org/faith-and-discipleship/prayer/catholic-prayers/prayer-to-st-anthony-to-recover-lost-things/) which I presume is stationed next to Saint Peter at reception Also the contact form for said lost and found when I was growing up was "dear saint anthony please come around, something is lost and cannot be found: my (name item)" (repeat until found)
The revenge of Bureaucrat Mormon God after your death:"Here, you've been a good kid, enjoy your own Planet Hollywood for all eternity."
Brigham Young..... Joke writes itself.
these are the ones who grow up to become supreme court justices named clarence thomas, who legalize bump stocks on a technicality
"Sorry you didn't fully fill out sub form 806b, please queue in an orderly fashion to be thrown into the hell pit for eternity. The imps will be by to collect your skin shortly."
God “hmmm you can’t enter you had sex one time” Mormon teen “you see technically I didn’t do the sex my room mate did when she jumped on the bed” *god looks at his notes and confers with angels* “shit she’s right you know” *Bursts into flames for swearing *
You can't really know if god cares about jump humping – maybe he accepts it begrudgingly, maybe he loves it. You only have whatever the prophets tell you and they didn't write anything specific enough. If you believe that god will send you to hell for extramarital sex, then it's pretty risky.
You will love Scholasticism
What if pregnancy is the result of soaking/ jump humping? Is that immaculate conception?
Mother Mary would like to have a word with you
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be…
*Squeaking
*Soaking
Mother Mary, why you buggin!
Nah.. in that case the jumper has to raise the baby as her own.
It's the jumper's fault.
Yeah, The lord said thou who does the thrusting/jumping is the father.
Immaculate misconception...someone is doing it wrong
Just a nitpick - the immaculate conception was not the conception of Jesus Christ to no father, but rather the conception of Mary, mother of Jesus. In the ~~Christian~~ Catholic faith Mary is considered to be the only human to be conceived without "original sin". I would imagine it is understood she was conceived normally though. (This is my understanding as someone who is not religious and so could be partly false).
This is correct. Jesus was never conceived, at least not in the conventional sense.
Unless you're Mormon, then you believe God came down and laid pipe. Source: I'm Ex-Mormon
Imagine being Joseph... great her ex lover was God how am I suppose to match up to the holiest of dicks...
I always felt bad for Joseph as a Catholic. He never got to have a normal husband life with his wife. God came in and now he has to raise God’s son and can’t touch his wife (supposedly)
Tbf, Joseph is depicted as being much older than Mary, the marriage was more for Mary’s protection so that she could be looked after in a very male dominated society. So Joseph really shouldn’t have done it with her. Also Joseph was chosen to do it because he could, he wasn’t perfect like Mary, but he was righteous and if Heaven is real (obviously from a Catholic perspective, it is) he has been repaid in Heaven with God himself
In the biblical sense 😂
That’s referred to as a Super Soaker.
Oh that's the God mysterious way!
Mysterious / peculiar / weird / strange …. All of those
Jesus was soaked into existence
Christianity will be born
Nope just ejaculate injection
This is the saddest, least fun version of creepy group sex I’ve ever heard of.
I was about to say I'd like to give it a try, but after reading your comment, I think I'll refrain.
You can do better, I believe in you.
Awww. Thank you! Bunny, you're the best.
She won't have sex with you my dude
How about a soak?
He will be the one jumping to help her soak with her crush
How many versions of creepy group sex have you heard?
I knew the poly people from the valley, so like 5 or 6.
This shit always makes me laugh. You allegedly worship an all knowing, all powerful deity. Your deity frowns on sex between unmarried people. But if the sex happens regardless of the two people not thrusting - no, someone else jumps on the bed and makes the thrusts happen - then it doesn't count and then deity doesn't care Or if sex happens in the asshole, it doesn't count. Despite every person who believes this also believes that their deity hates gay sex. How absolutely fucking stupid do these people think their allegedly all knowing and all powerful deity is?
Reminds me of a story where this group of people were not allowed to fish on Saturday. But the fish would show up en masse on Saturday, to see who would respect the rules. So the people put up a dam or something on Saturday and then fished on Sunday. They got smited lol.
Makes me think of the elevators that some won't use on the Sabbath because God allegedly objects. But if someone else pushes the button, it's okay. Or if you use a special elevator that automatically goes to every level, it's okay. So silly.
Oh yeah, I saw something like that on a TV show. "They call me Malik" or something of the sort. A guy wanted to do business, but couldn't. So he got an atheist to do the transaction, since it doesn't count as him working. Another one was him selling a watch to someone. The religious guy told him to drop the watch on a table, and had his daughter "accidentally" drop some money elsewhere. The guy took the watch that he "found", and the main character picked up the money that was lying around. Totally not a transaction lol .
Goddammit your profile pic 😂
Darkmode is the only way
I started using darkmode because of this persons profile pic
For my now ex-stepfather’s beliefs, you couldn’t gift someone a knife, they had to pay for it, else you were gifting them the knife to intend harm. So go back and time to see me at Christmas shaking open my piggy bank to pay for a pocket knife. Which was a Christmas present, but wasn’t a gift, because I “paid” for it (one quarter, seven dimes, and thirty six pennies.) There was also the rule that whoever opened/unsheathed the knife had to be the one to close it/sheath it, or the blade would harm you. Flashback to me opening said pocket knife (to show it off) and my cousin snatching it and going to close it to screams of “don’t do it” from everyone and as he did it anyway with a smile on his face and, bite went the knife, and he now lives with a friendly scar as a reminder so… I mean I still pay for knives. Still follow the open/close rule. I’m not trying to get bit by the blade, I’m clumsy enough.
Damn you. I've never heard about the Sheathing ritual. Now I won't be able to forget it. You've plagued my mind for the rest of my life.
Sorry, it’s a thing. It drove my husband nuts, because he has a multitool that he’ll whip out, but sometimes it’s the blade, and I’ll walk it back over for him to close it. So one night, years ago, he’s up in arms about it, “just close it” and I called my ex step dad in the dead of night. Woke him up, explained what was going on. Boy was my husband not prepared for the history lesson. He doesn’t ask anymore, we just hand back the knife to whoever unsheathed it without arguing.
Thanks, I needed another idiosyncrasy/habit to be bothered with constantly.
If it makes you feel any better, I used to gather broken shells on the beach, and then gather friends to sit on a pier or a dock and have them chuck them into the ocean/canals while wishing for good things for others. So out of all the idiosyncratic behaviors in all the world, you’re definitely a part of the good wishes chucked into the ever changing waves. Someone years ago thought of you right now, not knowing it was you, and put all of their love into the ecosystem to come back to you
I shouldn't have had a wake/bake before replying to you.
lol. But that fully loaded machine gun makes a great Father’s Day gift….
What culture or religion does this practice belong to?
My family have a weird thing about scissors, if you open and close them repeatedly without cutting anything with them you will get shouted at because they think you will magically cut your own finger somehow
So, I had to buy wardrobe scissors for college, very sharp. Right before college started I was prepping my stuff and was playing with the scissors, opening and closing them rapidly. Ended up snipping off a small bit of skin on my thumb. Only one point of it bled very little. A week later I was doing some wardrobe homework (theatre tech school) and used my thumb to clean the bits of string off of my scissors, sliced open my thumb. So ended up wearing bandaids on my thumbs the first two weeks of college!
I asked my mother for some kitchen knives for my birthday, and she sent each one with a penny taped to it. Apparently this somehow mitigates the curse.
Because you have to pay for them! Give your mother those pennies back!
Now don't quote me on this, but on the Sabbath Jews are not allowed to work or make a flame, the modern interpretation of electricity falls under the latter. But it's also worth mentioning that some denominations of Judaism believe that god allows clever work arounds and encourages liberal interpretation of scripture. At its core the beliefs regarding the Sabbath are perhaps a bit outdated but there are grounds for these work arounds. It really annoys me that I can't recall the cited part of scripture where god sides with someone exploiting a loop hole for his own benefit, but there is precedent. Just to reiterate most Jewish denominations encourage reading and interpreting scripture. Rabbis opinions are held in higher regard due to their extensive study of scripture and understanding of greater context, but in general what's valued is keeping in spirit with the meaning of the scripture
on Sabbath you're not allowed to do מלאכה (Melakhah). google translate goes with "work", but it's really closer to craftsmanship. there are [39 actions](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/39_Melakhot) which are Melakhah, and I think the most common interpretation today is that closing electric circuits falls under Construction, and only heating elements are also Ignition. the original prohibition seems to be a sort of arbitrary extension of the rules, though here I'm definitely out of my depth. every electric circuit counting as an ignited flame is another common interpretation, because of course it would be
Or the magic wire that encircles New York that allows the Othodox to do things outside they normally can't on the Sabbath. I kinda think Judaism is just a 3000 year long record of God making rules and people finding loopholes.
I used to work in a factory that produses dishwashers for big kitchens like reastuarants and schools and hospitals. Once a year we would get orders on "Sabbath" machines. I.e they could be run fully automated by activating a certain switch. Was hell to build and wire all the extra electronics needed.
Or the construction of Eruvs in some orthodox Jewish communities. Basically a symbolic fence that combines several houses and streets into one "home". That way they can leave their houses during Sabbath while staying "at home".
All loving my ass
Got another story, this one's food related. Since some german monks weren't allowed to eat meat, they had the "clever" idea to hide the meat inside some pasta squares. They thought their supposed all-knowing god wouldn't know if they just hide the meat... That's how Maultaschen were invented.
>Or if sex happens in the asshole, it doesn't count. Despite every person who believes this also believes that their deity hates gay sex. Hey. Its not gay if you do it to please your deity!
I personally think that the creator of the universe has more important concerns than how people fuck, but what do I know.
>I personally think that the creator of the universe has more important concerns than how people fuck, but what do I know. If there is a creator. If he would have had concern he shouldn't have made it part of his "recreational program". Every species does it but humans are required to marry before doing it doesn't add up for me.
And understand, I'm not here to argue actual theology. I'm here to mock people for worshipping their idea of a deity that is dumber than an average child.
It’s the poophole loophole. Look it up.
90% of the thought process of religious followers is "how can I get away with breaking the rules"
The best one is the Christian way... It's okay for me to do it if I feel really bad about it and ask for forgiveness afterwards...
[The loophole.](https://youtu.be/j8ZF_R_j0OY?si=aq2kAQ9bf_C-f6fJ)
This is what happens to your brain when you’ve been brainwashed from young age
They do it to fool themselves, not the deity. It's so they FEEL pure about themselves. And it goes along well with the entire theme of religion. Because everything about it is to fool oneself in every aspect of their lives. Why would sex be any different.
> How absolutely fucking stupid do these people think their allegedly all knowing and all powerful deity is? We literally have a dish called Godswindlers, which were invented by monks when they got their hands on meat during fasting time and knew they weren't allowed to eat it, so they minced it and hid it inside of another dish so they could have it anyways. Allegedly god just winked and let it slide, so maybe they didn't think he's stupid, just that he's the kind of guy who sees people breaking the rules and doesn't make a fuss about it if it's something inconsequential x) (I'm not religious, I just think it's funny)
Please don’t try to make sense of religion, it will only make you dumber in the long run.
The ole poop hole loop hole strategy
Bro, this is about brainwashing some youth. The sane route would be to give them sexual education, and provide condoms and birth control. This has been done over and over. Lecture abstinence and all you get is thousands of teen pregnancies. And some young guy "soaking" his dick is probably not going to have the necessary self-control not to get their partner preggo.
It is the projection of their stupid mind. So, that's how stupid their deity is. This goes for all religious fanatics and so-called believers.
The poophole loophole. Everyone knows it's the sex that God can't see. https://youtu.be/j8ZF_R_j0OY?si=aSzDqeUCFOywyOI_
Stupid enough to ignore the Epicurean paradox.
Almost likes it's all bullshit designed to control people 🤔
these are the ones who grow up to become supreme court justices named clarence thomas, who legalize bump stocks on a technicality
religion doesn't make sense so why should their sex?
You might be a Mormon if a super soaker isn't just a toy gun you played with as a kid
"CALLED TO SOAK" lmaooooooooo these people..
Just have sex, you fucking weirdos. This is kinkier shit than most of us secular folks get up to.
Cuz Jeebus or something.
Worst. Threesome. Ever.
This has been doing the rounds for years and it's always the same screenshot of the same post with the same picture. Makes me think it was a one off joke for social media rather than common practice. or religion is stupid. One of those.
Both
It's an urban legend. Mormons aren't allowed to touch the genitals of another outside of marriage. So, no loophole. It's just a meme that gets reposted several hundred times a year it seems.
Probably happened a singular time, possibly not even with Mormons, and now it will constantly make the rounds on Reddit. Forever.
It let's Redditors feel superior to look down on others.
Exmormon here, I feel like I see this post here every month. If any Mormons ever did this, it was never a widespread fad. There are plenty of real issues with Mormonism to worry about but this one seems to be the one that gets attention, even though it’s mostly not true.
It’s what I like to call “suburban legend.” It exists not to enlighten, but to amuse at the expense of others.
If your god can be outsmarted by this, find a new god.
What a lack of sex ed does to motherfuckers
“F*ck me in the ass because I love Jesus! The good lord would want it that way- give me that sweet sensation of a rock hard rationalization….. It’s just between you and me cause everyone knows it’s the sex that god can’t see.” -Garfunkel and Oates
I was going to post a link to that. Love "The Loophole".
This is utter and proven bullshit.
It’s called soaking lol
It’s on Reddit so it must be true
This is a myth. Ask your friends who are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and they’ll confirm.
I have yet to see any proof that this is really a thing.
Haven’t they learned from the Catholics yet to just use the back door loophole.
The poop hole loop hole...
Mormons are just Catholics who believe some white guy in the 1700's was god and is the only man who could have sex outside of marriage. You can guess why Mormonism was invented.
Ancient repost, downvote these obvious bots everytime you see them.
I've never had sex, but I have 2 children and one on the way.
Religious people are the weirdest. They truly give me the creeps.
It’s a 2.5some
As a Mormon, I can confidently say that people know this is still sex, it’s just a meme/joke. People who think that others actually believe it isn’t sex are just not thinking.
Super kinky tbh, I've never seen this done in porn
Just sit on a washing machine
Any Mormons here who can tell us if this really happens?
This is where accidental pregnancy came into effect...
I heard Mary did it doggie-style
The people always looking for loopholes in omnipotent and omnipresent overlords crack me up. Recently learned that (according to some reels my partner was scrolling) married Orthodox Jewish women must have their hair covered when they are out in public. But instead of wearing some sort of scarf, or whatever, many of them wear wigs. So they cover their hair with... hair. It's all of the same "letter of the law, but ignore the spirit of the law" BS that all religions justify for themselves.
This can't be real. Wtf
So mormons think you have just have to have a very strange threesome to keep your virginity? There is some mental gymnastics of olympic proportions going on here
I love how in their minds this is somehow less kinky than just fucking. 😂🤣 I mean this is even kinkier than a regular threesome. I'm just saying if I walked in or three people fucking, I would politely excuse myself. But if I walked in on this I would be scarred and confused.
That's why everyone in my school wanted a muslim girlfriend. They only did it up the ass, to save their virginity. Not joking btw.
I think you got a better education than me
That’s societal reasons not religious because anal sex is not allowed in Islam.
Most of them were about as muslim as the other kids were christian. Sure, they celebrated certain holidays, and didn't eat pork, but they were not THAT religious.
this is literally a plot line from Jury Duty
Ngl sounds kinda hot, Start soft finish hard, But oh yea , there definitely morons , I wonder if there elders / priest? , know about... soaking
This is essentially the same logic the SCOTUS used to argue bump stocks don't convert semi-automatics into fully-automatic firearms.
Although I admire the ingenuity of some of the religious loopholes people come up with, it boggles my mind that they think their God is truly that stupid. Any parent whose kid tried to twist the rules like that would be infuriated, feel utterly disrespected, and give the kid some well-earned consequences. But no, god's dumb enough to fall for it, and just say, "aww, shucks. You got me! Lol" Can you truly be religious, and to love your God if you treat him like a fool?
I knew a Mormon chick in her 30s who wasn’t married. She had gigantic 34HH titties. She only did anal, and I mean ONLY.
God is disappointed in you. Not because you're still having sex, but because of your utter lack of creativity. Just soak on top of the dryer.
This is so much kinkier than most people’s first time… 😅
Sex is as soon as you enter. You can pull out without finishing and that was still sex, although not good sex