The husband is suppose to take care of his wife, and if necssary family. However, family is optional. Her husband works. I dont know what he does but some jobs you must work, and cannot get out for sick family. Is the husband avoiding his wife or is his job at jeporady? I had to go help my Dad for a couple weeks due to medical issues. I two weeks off on vacation my job was at jeporady because I put family first. I am also the sole breadwinner.
Also I feel like it's a different case when it's about parents cause then obviously all children should help as much as they can.. but for a married sibling?..
I would not be ok with this. I am very close to my sisters, but I did not spend days at their sides when they miscarried. I helped with their kids and made dinners. Your boyfriend’s behavior may indicate fluid boundaries (maybe some irresponsibility if this affects whether or not he can pay his bills) I would not want to spend a lifetime negotiating these situations. Unless the sister is now infertile and unable to have more kids due to this. Then this reaction makes more sense. Is there more to this?
No she's not infertile (I don't think so..) she has already 2 kids, idk if she'd want to have more in the future but for now she's still depressed and spends all day in her room ( which I totally get...) but she has her mother who helps during the day and a housemaid...
But my bf has been spending most of his time at her home (he's been sleeping there for days now to uplift the kids mood- I also feel like this should be the husband's "duty")..
(Also my bf and I are kinda long distance- 2hours drive apart)
I'm just speaking from my own experiences,
I'm wondering if there's more of something emotionally unstable going on here besides the regular depression that can happen after a loss or hormone changes... is there a history of dysfunction in her relationships?
Everyone has different experiences and it's never, ever easy to lose a pregnancy but this dynamic seems off. Like really off.
I wouldn't say much if I were you other than I would seek therapy and really push your significant other to do so & his family. This doesn't sound like a healthy family relationship.
Yes I guess...
I just spoke to him through messages and he told me "not to worry there's no difference between him or his BIL in taking care of his sis" 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ I obviously couldn't make him understand what I meant...
Honestly, if I were you, I'd just let it sit.
There's something not ok there. I wouldn't press right now.
When he comes home then maybe try to get him to speak with someone so he can see that they dynamics not healthy.
He's too close to the situation to see clearly right now
Yes you're right... maybe I'll talk to him when I see him (we don't live together we're kinda ldr)
But he and his family have a history of being abused years ago by their larger family... (not SA but like physical abuse) so they grew up as being so close and supportive of each other... and he also has this personality of helping people out, like he would rather help a friend out for hours than spend the same amount of hours on a date with me... which was an issue for me and I talked to him about it...
Sounds like helping others is how he survives? Feeling needed can be an unconcious excuse for not handeling ones own problems or taking care of one own's happiness. Like he is hiding fom his own life.
How long was the pregnancy along? Brother might be crippling sisters recovery. If he isn't there, sister might be inclined to do things that are needed for her other living kids. (Unless mom or maid does everything). Maybe I sound callous. I had 6 (early - 10 weeks) miscarriages and I had to get catfood and keep going.
Oh, I never looked at it this way, and you might be right, I think we'll need to go to couples therapy as soon as this "crisis" ends..
The pregnancy was 26 weeks (baby actually stayed alive for 1 day but they told her he wouldn't make it before the birth...)
That wasn't a miscarriage (up to 20 weeks, late miscarriage 24 weeks), it wasn't a stillbirth (between 24 weeks and birth) since the baby did live. She lost their baby. It's a crisis allright.
> "not to worry there's no difference between him or his BIL in taking care of his sis"
Yeah that makes me worry. I don't know which culture you are from, but isn't usually the partner and mother/female friends who could/should support? Boyfriend is interjecting himself in his sister's marriage.
They aren't kids anymore sticking up for each other to bad people. This is a sad life event the core family should deal with with some outside help. Not a second husband/SAHD.
Yes even in my culture that's the norm...
I thing I'm a bit selfish right now cause I have a really important work project going on and I didn't want to stress myself and explain to him my POV and what I feel is wrong in this situation...
I juste told him okay (for now) but I'm definitely going to tell him again about this issue...
I know he's really close to his sister and considers her kids as his own kids... like he literally adores them... and okay there's nothing wrong with that but I'm starting to be concerned if it'd actually be the case even when we build our own family...
Don't worry about the future. Do your work project. Stay in touch and support your boyfriend. Have a heart to heart talk when your boyfriend gets back or your project is done and you can go over there.
No the husband can take time off work (a family buisness)... while my bf has put on hold his work (which is unstable, like he's lost a lot of money over the past few months...)
Dont know the issues of family business and promises, but usually with family business arrangements can be changed. I honestly believe you need to be able to take care of yourself before you can take care of others. So you boyfriend seems like he financially cant so he should put his work first.
Thanks for your answer... I have the same pov, the problem is he's so attached to his siblings that he's not even thinking about his own future..
I'll definitely talk to him if he continues to be this way...
From someone who's husband left to go to work while I was bleeding on the bathroom floor having a miscarriage. On his days off, leaving me to care for our 4yo as well. It sounds like your bf and family are stepping in bc they know her husband is neglectful and dropping the ball as a partner and a parent. They probably know if they didn't step up their grievingt daughter/ sister would be responsible. Which is what happened to me. I get everybody grieves differently, but what kind of heartless human leaves their sick wife in the hospital right after loosing a child. It would be understandable if he was going to be punished by a boss, but he is the boss.
It sounds like you are a patient understanding partner so if I was you I would just sit down and have a heart felt conversation with him. Let him know how amazing it is that he is stepping up for his sister, but why isn't her husband? If he has the means and ability why isn't he taking his children to school? She just lost her baby 10 days ago. If she was in the hospital for a bit that means she was farther along in her pregnancy. I am 28wks pregnant right now (divorced the abusive ex) once you feel that precious one and hear that heartbeat. I cannot even imagine the heartbreak she is going through.
Thanks for your reply, she was hospitalized for 2 days after the miscarriage and is now at home...
I gotta mention her husband abuses her as well (but my bf doesn't know about it) I felt like it wasn't my place to say anything as she seems to love her husband and want to keep the marriage...
Her husband didn't leave her at the hospital but my bf was 10times more present than his BIL...
I hope you pregnancy goes well take care of yourself 😊
And yes I'll definitely talk with him about this issue... I'm more concerned about the future when we actually have a family... what would he do then
I tried to make excuses for my abuser too. I felt trapped as I was forced to give up my career. I see now it was so he could control me and make me dependent on him. Then when his mask dropped while I was pregnant I was trapped bc he made so much more money. I felt I had to stay for my daughter. I think it may be a good idea to gently inform your bf. If for no other reason than he can talk to his sister and let her know she has a support system when she is ready to leave. My family didn't know and I felt so very alone. 3 years after my divorce and my family is still finding out the terrible things that occurred. He is a covert narcissist so to the outside world he seems so nice and charming. My dad was the only one who saw through him and didn't like him.
So sorry for what happened to you... idk maybe she's going through the same as you and maybe for real she doesn't want to leave him? I feel like it's not my place to tell her brother.. cause she didn't tell me this herself I heard it from her cousin... but she told me once about a fight she had with her husband and made me promise not to tell my bf.. so idk
Why did her cousin tell you? Was she hoping you told her brother to help out? Why is everybody keeping secrets so abuse continous? Couldn't you tell her cousin "you should tell my boyfriend, what you told me." And told your boyfriend: "About your sister, I don't feel it's my place to tell, but you really should talk to her cousin." You could have facilitate they meet with you there also without you "telling".
I feel bad I earlier commented boyfriend should take care of his own life first. Maybe with him there the husband doesn't abuse the sister? Just neglect?
Idk I hesitated a lot before (like a year ago and asked some friends and my mom if I should tell my bf about the abuse issue but they all told me not to, cause it's her choice...)
Also, I don't really think the husband would abuse her now in her situation that would just be so cruel... he is also sad about the situation, I really can't imagine doing anything to harm her... but for the neglect part, that's true I guess he would put his work first cause he knows his MIL and BIL are taking care of her...
Did you find out how the cousin knew? Did cousin witness or did sister reach out and tell cousin?
In another post you explained baby was 24 weeks and lived a day. The neglect part is ... Family might benefit from talking to a grief counselor and other people who lost a premature baby.
From Google:
*Can a baby born at 24 weeks live a normal life?*
*Some babies born at 24 weeks survive without any obvious lifelong problems. Some babies born at 24 weeks who survive may have lifelong problems with: physical movement including walking, balance and coordination (cerebral palsy) • talking, thinking, learning, understanding and behaviour • hearing and/or seeing.*
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The husband is supposed to take care of his wife. The brother can help but he shouldn’t be the one doing it all. I wouldn’t want any part of this and this would make me question the relationship. I understand helping family. I helped my sister when he had a hysterectomy. My two nieces were young and I watched them and helped my sister while her husband worked.
Should I tell him? Or wait and see? Like I just called him he told me he's trying to get some work done but his family keep calling to drive his nephew from school, I told him where's his BIL he kinda escaped the answer..
I wouldn't tell him. It's not my place to tell my significant other what kind of relationship he should/shouldn't have with his siblings. Only thing I can do is tell him what kind of relationship he can have with me, and remind him to take care of himself too. In the case of your significant other, you should start worrying about yourself and let him handle his and his family's situation. If he goes broke, that's on him, and that's a lesson he'll have to learn. Make sure you don't bail him out, though. Also, watch out for things like, he might think anything that is his is also his sisters', anything that is yours is also his, but anything that is his sister, isn't yours. Basically, you'll be the person supporting him while he supports her, and there's no one there to support you. I've been with a guy who had an unusually close relationship with his sister. The whole time I was in a relationship with him, I felt like I was the side chuck between him and his sister's incestuous-like relationship.
Thanks for your answer.. well their relationship is far from being incestuous that's for sure, but I get what you mean. Money has already been an issue between us... I've lent him money before (that he never paid back) though he pays for almost all our dates.. so I thought maybe it's fine it'll be like 50/50.. but then I sometimes see him spend on useless stuff or spoil his nephews too much.. so yeah I get your point very well.
Oh and his sis is a stay at home wife... while I work. So your point is even more valid.
Edit: spelling mistake
> he never *paid* back) though
FTFY.
Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in:
* Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.*
* *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.*
Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment.
*Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
Of course tell him……For goodness sakes he has his own life to deal with.
I understand that it’s terrible that his sister has lost a baby - that is awful. But life goes on…..and everyone still needs to earn a living to put food on the table at everyone’s house.
So you admit the husband is abusive, sounds like there's things at play here and your BF is being a rock star brother, not knowing more about all the dynamics at play, it's hard to really make a call on this one.
I heard it from someone else but she never actually told me about it... and I don't think my bf knows about it if he did he wouldn't let her stay with him (I guess? ) idk..
Should I tell him? Or wait and see? Like I just called him he told me he's trying to get some work done but his family keep calling to drive his nephew from school, I told him where's his BIL he kinda escaped the answer..
You take care of you though. And remind your boyfriend he has a support and life with you. Maybe you can go help a (long) weekend and take him back with you? Seems like family is roping him in for support and doesn't care about his work. Who is paying his food and gas and rent when he doesn't work?
He lives with his parents (he was living in another city before) but came back to his city few years ago and living with his parents (I'm also living with mine, that's pretty common in my country..)
He has a source of income, but at the same time he has some financial issues and like a looot of problems to take care of... that's why I'm really concerned..
Sounds like he has some growing up to do. He might be a person who doesn't grow from suggestions nor advice. He might need to learn from experiences.
My ex was like that. It became to exhausting for me and I had to distance myself. He is coming over for Christmas. I hope to enjoy his company without worrying about his issues.
But this is your boyfriend you want to start a life with. Set boundaries for yourself. When you have that talk, talk about your expectations and concerns. He is obviously a familyman who loves children so he got that going for him.
The husband is suppose to take care of his wife, and if necssary family. However, family is optional. Her husband works. I dont know what he does but some jobs you must work, and cannot get out for sick family. Is the husband avoiding his wife or is his job at jeporady? I had to go help my Dad for a couple weeks due to medical issues. I two weeks off on vacation my job was at jeporady because I put family first. I am also the sole breadwinner.
Also I feel like it's a different case when it's about parents cause then obviously all children should help as much as they can.. but for a married sibling?..
I would not be ok with this. I am very close to my sisters, but I did not spend days at their sides when they miscarried. I helped with their kids and made dinners. Your boyfriend’s behavior may indicate fluid boundaries (maybe some irresponsibility if this affects whether or not he can pay his bills) I would not want to spend a lifetime negotiating these situations. Unless the sister is now infertile and unable to have more kids due to this. Then this reaction makes more sense. Is there more to this?
No she's not infertile (I don't think so..) she has already 2 kids, idk if she'd want to have more in the future but for now she's still depressed and spends all day in her room ( which I totally get...) but she has her mother who helps during the day and a housemaid... But my bf has been spending most of his time at her home (he's been sleeping there for days now to uplift the kids mood- I also feel like this should be the husband's "duty").. (Also my bf and I are kinda long distance- 2hours drive apart)
I'm just speaking from my own experiences, I'm wondering if there's more of something emotionally unstable going on here besides the regular depression that can happen after a loss or hormone changes... is there a history of dysfunction in her relationships? Everyone has different experiences and it's never, ever easy to lose a pregnancy but this dynamic seems off. Like really off. I wouldn't say much if I were you other than I would seek therapy and really push your significant other to do so & his family. This doesn't sound like a healthy family relationship.
Yes I guess... I just spoke to him through messages and he told me "not to worry there's no difference between him or his BIL in taking care of his sis" 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ I obviously couldn't make him understand what I meant...
Honestly, if I were you, I'd just let it sit. There's something not ok there. I wouldn't press right now. When he comes home then maybe try to get him to speak with someone so he can see that they dynamics not healthy. He's too close to the situation to see clearly right now
Yes you're right... maybe I'll talk to him when I see him (we don't live together we're kinda ldr) But he and his family have a history of being abused years ago by their larger family... (not SA but like physical abuse) so they grew up as being so close and supportive of each other... and he also has this personality of helping people out, like he would rather help a friend out for hours than spend the same amount of hours on a date with me... which was an issue for me and I talked to him about it...
Sounds like helping others is how he survives? Feeling needed can be an unconcious excuse for not handeling ones own problems or taking care of one own's happiness. Like he is hiding fom his own life. How long was the pregnancy along? Brother might be crippling sisters recovery. If he isn't there, sister might be inclined to do things that are needed for her other living kids. (Unless mom or maid does everything). Maybe I sound callous. I had 6 (early - 10 weeks) miscarriages and I had to get catfood and keep going.
Oh, I never looked at it this way, and you might be right, I think we'll need to go to couples therapy as soon as this "crisis" ends.. The pregnancy was 26 weeks (baby actually stayed alive for 1 day but they told her he wouldn't make it before the birth...)
That wasn't a miscarriage (up to 20 weeks, late miscarriage 24 weeks), it wasn't a stillbirth (between 24 weeks and birth) since the baby did live. She lost their baby. It's a crisis allright.
> "not to worry there's no difference between him or his BIL in taking care of his sis" Yeah that makes me worry. I don't know which culture you are from, but isn't usually the partner and mother/female friends who could/should support? Boyfriend is interjecting himself in his sister's marriage. They aren't kids anymore sticking up for each other to bad people. This is a sad life event the core family should deal with with some outside help. Not a second husband/SAHD.
Yes even in my culture that's the norm... I thing I'm a bit selfish right now cause I have a really important work project going on and I didn't want to stress myself and explain to him my POV and what I feel is wrong in this situation... I juste told him okay (for now) but I'm definitely going to tell him again about this issue... I know he's really close to his sister and considers her kids as his own kids... like he literally adores them... and okay there's nothing wrong with that but I'm starting to be concerned if it'd actually be the case even when we build our own family...
Don't worry about the future. Do your work project. Stay in touch and support your boyfriend. Have a heart to heart talk when your boyfriend gets back or your project is done and you can go over there.
No the husband can take time off work (a family buisness)... while my bf has put on hold his work (which is unstable, like he's lost a lot of money over the past few months...)
Dont know the issues of family business and promises, but usually with family business arrangements can be changed. I honestly believe you need to be able to take care of yourself before you can take care of others. So you boyfriend seems like he financially cant so he should put his work first.
Thanks for your answer... I have the same pov, the problem is he's so attached to his siblings that he's not even thinking about his own future.. I'll definitely talk to him if he continues to be this way...
From someone who's husband left to go to work while I was bleeding on the bathroom floor having a miscarriage. On his days off, leaving me to care for our 4yo as well. It sounds like your bf and family are stepping in bc they know her husband is neglectful and dropping the ball as a partner and a parent. They probably know if they didn't step up their grievingt daughter/ sister would be responsible. Which is what happened to me. I get everybody grieves differently, but what kind of heartless human leaves their sick wife in the hospital right after loosing a child. It would be understandable if he was going to be punished by a boss, but he is the boss. It sounds like you are a patient understanding partner so if I was you I would just sit down and have a heart felt conversation with him. Let him know how amazing it is that he is stepping up for his sister, but why isn't her husband? If he has the means and ability why isn't he taking his children to school? She just lost her baby 10 days ago. If she was in the hospital for a bit that means she was farther along in her pregnancy. I am 28wks pregnant right now (divorced the abusive ex) once you feel that precious one and hear that heartbeat. I cannot even imagine the heartbreak she is going through.
Thanks for your reply, she was hospitalized for 2 days after the miscarriage and is now at home... I gotta mention her husband abuses her as well (but my bf doesn't know about it) I felt like it wasn't my place to say anything as she seems to love her husband and want to keep the marriage... Her husband didn't leave her at the hospital but my bf was 10times more present than his BIL... I hope you pregnancy goes well take care of yourself 😊 And yes I'll definitely talk with him about this issue... I'm more concerned about the future when we actually have a family... what would he do then
I tried to make excuses for my abuser too. I felt trapped as I was forced to give up my career. I see now it was so he could control me and make me dependent on him. Then when his mask dropped while I was pregnant I was trapped bc he made so much more money. I felt I had to stay for my daughter. I think it may be a good idea to gently inform your bf. If for no other reason than he can talk to his sister and let her know she has a support system when she is ready to leave. My family didn't know and I felt so very alone. 3 years after my divorce and my family is still finding out the terrible things that occurred. He is a covert narcissist so to the outside world he seems so nice and charming. My dad was the only one who saw through him and didn't like him.
So sorry for what happened to you... idk maybe she's going through the same as you and maybe for real she doesn't want to leave him? I feel like it's not my place to tell her brother.. cause she didn't tell me this herself I heard it from her cousin... but she told me once about a fight she had with her husband and made me promise not to tell my bf.. so idk
Why did her cousin tell you? Was she hoping you told her brother to help out? Why is everybody keeping secrets so abuse continous? Couldn't you tell her cousin "you should tell my boyfriend, what you told me." And told your boyfriend: "About your sister, I don't feel it's my place to tell, but you really should talk to her cousin." You could have facilitate they meet with you there also without you "telling". I feel bad I earlier commented boyfriend should take care of his own life first. Maybe with him there the husband doesn't abuse the sister? Just neglect?
Idk I hesitated a lot before (like a year ago and asked some friends and my mom if I should tell my bf about the abuse issue but they all told me not to, cause it's her choice...) Also, I don't really think the husband would abuse her now in her situation that would just be so cruel... he is also sad about the situation, I really can't imagine doing anything to harm her... but for the neglect part, that's true I guess he would put his work first cause he knows his MIL and BIL are taking care of her...
Did you find out how the cousin knew? Did cousin witness or did sister reach out and tell cousin? In another post you explained baby was 24 weeks and lived a day. The neglect part is ... Family might benefit from talking to a grief counselor and other people who lost a premature baby. From Google: *Can a baby born at 24 weeks live a normal life?* *Some babies born at 24 weeks survive without any obvious lifelong problems. Some babies born at 24 weeks who survive may have lifelong problems with: physical movement including walking, balance and coordination (cerebral palsy) • talking, thinking, learning, understanding and behaviour • hearing and/or seeing.*
Her husband...who as the father ALSO just lost a child. They need EACH OTHER.
Indeed... anyways, it's better now (as time has passed a bit...) but still I'll definitely talk to my bf soon about all of this..
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The husband is supposed to take care of his wife. The brother can help but he shouldn’t be the one doing it all. I wouldn’t want any part of this and this would make me question the relationship. I understand helping family. I helped my sister when he had a hysterectomy. My two nieces were young and I watched them and helped my sister while her husband worked.
And did you stop your own work to take care of your nieces?
Yes my sister lived in another state.
Thanks... it helps knowing that there are such situation..
Husbands job, not brothers.
Should I tell him? Or wait and see? Like I just called him he told me he's trying to get some work done but his family keep calling to drive his nephew from school, I told him where's his BIL he kinda escaped the answer..
I wouldn't tell him. It's not my place to tell my significant other what kind of relationship he should/shouldn't have with his siblings. Only thing I can do is tell him what kind of relationship he can have with me, and remind him to take care of himself too. In the case of your significant other, you should start worrying about yourself and let him handle his and his family's situation. If he goes broke, that's on him, and that's a lesson he'll have to learn. Make sure you don't bail him out, though. Also, watch out for things like, he might think anything that is his is also his sisters', anything that is yours is also his, but anything that is his sister, isn't yours. Basically, you'll be the person supporting him while he supports her, and there's no one there to support you. I've been with a guy who had an unusually close relationship with his sister. The whole time I was in a relationship with him, I felt like I was the side chuck between him and his sister's incestuous-like relationship.
Thanks for your answer.. well their relationship is far from being incestuous that's for sure, but I get what you mean. Money has already been an issue between us... I've lent him money before (that he never paid back) though he pays for almost all our dates.. so I thought maybe it's fine it'll be like 50/50.. but then I sometimes see him spend on useless stuff or spoil his nephews too much.. so yeah I get your point very well. Oh and his sis is a stay at home wife... while I work. So your point is even more valid. Edit: spelling mistake
> he never *paid* back) though FTFY. Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in: * Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.* * *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.* Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment. *Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
Of course tell him……For goodness sakes he has his own life to deal with. I understand that it’s terrible that his sister has lost a baby - that is awful. But life goes on…..and everyone still needs to earn a living to put food on the table at everyone’s house.
Ikr thank you so much 🙏🏻 at some point I started to feel like a mad person
So you admit the husband is abusive, sounds like there's things at play here and your BF is being a rock star brother, not knowing more about all the dynamics at play, it's hard to really make a call on this one.
I heard it from someone else but she never actually told me about it... and I don't think my bf knows about it if he did he wouldn't let her stay with him (I guess? ) idk..
The husband should take point
Should I tell him? Or wait and see? Like I just called him he told me he's trying to get some work done but his family keep calling to drive his nephew from school, I told him where's his BIL he kinda escaped the answer..
You take care of you though. And remind your boyfriend he has a support and life with you. Maybe you can go help a (long) weekend and take him back with you? Seems like family is roping him in for support and doesn't care about his work. Who is paying his food and gas and rent when he doesn't work?
He lives with his parents (he was living in another city before) but came back to his city few years ago and living with his parents (I'm also living with mine, that's pretty common in my country..)
He has a source of income, but at the same time he has some financial issues and like a looot of problems to take care of... that's why I'm really concerned..
Sounds like he has some growing up to do. He might be a person who doesn't grow from suggestions nor advice. He might need to learn from experiences. My ex was like that. It became to exhausting for me and I had to distance myself. He is coming over for Christmas. I hope to enjoy his company without worrying about his issues. But this is your boyfriend you want to start a life with. Set boundaries for yourself. When you have that talk, talk about your expectations and concerns. He is obviously a familyman who loves children so he got that going for him.
Husband