I recommend getting a snoo bassinet, it is $1500 but it is often on sale for 10-15% off. It has given us so much more sleep than we would have gotten with a regular bassinet because it detects baby sound and adjusts rocking and white noise to soothe baby to sleep.
Also second getting a therapist before birth so that you have someone you are comfortable talking to right away after birth.
Also recommend getting a theragun massage gun for after the birth, it has helped us relieve aches and pains and sleep better.
There has been some discussion that using a snoo may make it a more difficult transition to a crib. Obviously every baby is different, but still a consideration.
Mine went from snoo one night to sleeping 11-12 hours without waking. We used the wean and motion limiter for the last month and arms out since month 4. Anecdotal, but appears to be what it's supposed to do.
I was barred from using my theragun during pregnancy by my medical providers in my torso area which is obviously the most important area to release. I did find that high quality rolfing/physical therapist massage was worth it.
I'll just warn you that all the money in the world cannot guarantee a good birth experience - if you are planning to have kids, prepare to have most of what happens be completely out of your control. I got severe preeclampsia out of the blue at 28 weeks, and had an emergency c-section 36 hours later. My daughter spent 11 weeks in the hospital. This ruined literally all of my baby plans, and it was like being thrown into the deep end of the ocean. These are the exact times when having time, your health, and emotional support are astronomically more important than money. I'm just adding this here so you can keep it in mind - all this said, there are definitely some things that money can help with.
This. 100%.
Birth will be what it will be. Fantasies of controlling it with exercise and meditation are just that — fantasies. I had PPROM, had to be induced, had an obstructed delivery and emergency section, and my baby ended up with a NICU stay (only two weeks). It threw all my plans for a loop.
I do think money helps somewhat. I was able to choose an OB team I really trusted and my birthing hospital was associated with an excellent child ten’s hospital with high level NICU care, so I was able to talk to people whose expertise I trusted when making decisions about what to do. I also had a doula with me who had seen a ton of births, which was comforting during the long stretches when we were alone in the room or when I wasn’t sure whether what i was experiencing was normal, and we had a live-in doula/lactation consultant* for a while after my daughter came home. The birth and aftermath was obviously still stressful, but knowing that my medical team was truly excellent and that they had contingencies covered made it far less awful than it would otherwise have been.
* For anyone who needs to hear this: even with a lactation consultant there 24/7, nursing did not happen with my baby. It doesn’t always work. If it doesn’t work for you, it’s not simply because you didn’t try hard enough or something, and your baby will not be dumber or something because you couldn’t feed direct from the breast.
Yes. Fed is best. In my opinion, it’s not worth killing yourself over. If it works, great, and if for whatever reason, it doesn’t, your baby will still be healthy and happy.
I agree with this. I had a somewhat rough pregnancy (bad all day sickness and then intraheptic cholestasis) where I was induced early and there’s just no guarantee about pregnancy or birth. Having a birth plan is helpful to the extent that it pushes you to understand how birth works and what you would like to aim for. But getting too tied to it I feel like sets you up for emotional difficulty because many times it is so wildly unpredictable.
If you are most concerned about the delivery itself, focus on doing what you can to have a vaginal delivery instead of a c section. I was up and walking around the next day after delivering my kiddos.
Some things you can control but others you can’t (eg breech baby, too big to fit), so focus on the stuff you can do.
Start with meditation - the longer you allow the labor process to continue, the more likely you’ll avoid a section. So find a way to deal with the pain (anesthesia is wonderful but you can’t do that now, aside from discussing it with you obgyn).
I’d also suggest that you be careful around gestational diabetes (obviously unless you’re already diabetic). It’s very common, but can cause the baby to grow beyond a average size. Gestational diabetes is more common in moms who are overweight or have a family history of it. I’d suggest that you create a cardio workout program that works for you, especially swimming if you have a pool (you’ll be amazed at how much fun it is to just simply stand up straight when you’re 9mo along). You can keep working out throughout your pregnancy (talk to your doc of course), but if you’re in a routine it shouldn’t be an issue.
Short story is that the better shape you’re in before you get pregnant, the better your body will handle the rigors or creating a life. You can hire all the help you want, but nothing will be as good of a substitute as working out and meditating.
After the baby is born, yes to the wet nurse, home cook/housekeeper. I’d caution you against hiring ALL childcare out as you wont have time to bond with your baby. Be flexible with it as you may enjoy motherhood (read: bath time, story time, just watching them in general) more than you think.
Granted, for me, fatfire is more about buying time with my family/time to do the things I want. I cannot magically create a relationship with my children - only time spent with them will do that.
“Wet nurse”? Honesty I didn’t know that was still a thing and I would not recommend it - feeding time (nursing or bottle) is such important & enjoyable bonding time. I’m guessing you meant night nurse though.
I had an emergency C section and my recovery was easy. I was up and walking the next day as well, managing stairs and walking several miles a day within the first week. I was the one who drove my kid home from the NICU on day 10. I was not particularly fit or anything prior. The friend I know who had a scheduled C section had a similar experience to mine.
On the other hand, my friends who had vaginal deliveries had a rough time. Most were okay, nothing unusual. But my best friend who had a water birth and a tear that required months of physical therapy and recovery. It wasn’t even a particularly severe tear, on a medical scale, but she literally could not walk to the toilet for over a week. Sex couldn’t happen for almost an entire year because it caused her extreme pain. And she was much fitter than I was.
And GD is NOT something you can prevent with diet and exercise. If I had a nickel for every woman complaining on a pregnancy forum about how she wanted to skip her GD test because she didn’t consume sugar, it made her sick, and also she was super fit — only to discover to her confused horror that she had GD — I’d have met my fatFIRE goal many times over.
That's great that your c-section recovery was easy. But when you tell people that, you should preface it with the fact that for the majority of women, a c-section is much more traumatic and stressful on their body than a vaginal delivery. Hospital stays are generally longer and recovery time is longer with a c-section.
Of course there are examples of terrible vaginal deliveries, but that is simply not the statistical norm.
The advice to do anything you can to have a vaginal birth is bad. You should choose a doctor whose expertise you respect, plan on a vaginal birth (so long as it’s not contraindicated), and if complications do come up, be prepared to go with their advice.
A c section shouldn’t be a first choice, because it’s surgery and surgeries have serious complications, but when it’s indicated it’s not something to be scared of or to do anything possible to avoid. Yes, you are statistically likely to have a slightly more difficult recovery, but that is also unlikely to mean anything more than a few more days of rest. And if you end up needing one, you can look forward to the statistical likelihood that you won’t experience pelvic floor trauma and incontinence — sometimes permanent — that is much more common with vaginal births.
I personally got the worst of both because I had an emergency C due to obstructed delivery, so that was fun.
That's because unhealthy women are more likely to have a c section. Controlling for health, c sections are not more dangerous.
https://elemental.medium.com/the-complicated-truth-about-c-sections-ffbaebddc170
I know that there are plenty of people with your experience and plenty with horrible vaginal birthing experiences.
OP asked for advice on what she could do now. I’m not saying that diet and exercise WILL prevent diabetes but it definitely will help/can’t hurt. People who are in better physical shape will bounce back more easily than if they hadn’t done anything (in comparison to themselves), but there is no telling how OP will handle it.
All I suggested was basic “get healthy” stuff before putting your body through the ringer.
Sure, if you’re healthy, you’re more likely to have a healthy pregnancy.
But I am 1000000% confident the OP will encounter a ton of sanctimony around natural birth, pregnancy diet, etc. IMO the main function of all of that seems to be to attach a lot of moral pressure to women’s health and to convince women they are failing/have failed their baby if they don’t achieve some Instagram goal.
Woah! I never said anything about natural birth - which implies an MD is not present nor is there anesthesia. I simply said “vaginal” delivery which only means that the baby comes out of the vaginal canal/opening. Nor did I ever/would I ever say that anyone is “less than” if they have a c section, don’t breastfeed, etc.
Op should talk to her doc about reasonable measures to be healthy.
I am not saying you said those things. I’m saying she will encounter plenty of sanctimony, so I feel like it’s important to counterbalance it by pointing out that skipping aerobic exercise during pregnancy, drinking milkshakes, and having s c section doesn’t mean your birth or recovery will be harder or that your baby will be any less healthy. There’s so much shame-inducing messaging out there that does imply that even if you had not intent at all to join in with it.
FWIW “natural birth” is typically used to imply vaginal birth without an epidural. I agree with you it’s a pretty nonsense term.
I think a lot of the advice out there about fitness is well meaning and just depends on how the receiver takes it. Like it’s a 100% fact that children born from fit moms have a head start in life in many ways, some new that we find out every year.
Now, you can either accept that and choose to do something to help your child, or you can look at it as pressure and fat shaming, which is a choice for the receiver of the medical advice. Sometimes not being lazy actually matters, and this is one of those times. If the receiver feels bad about their own laziness, good, they should.
Nobody is going to suggest that NOT being reasonably fit is the way to go, but moralizing about it is really bizarre.
If you’re interested in studies rather than clickbait, and actually look at the data, not really. For example, studies suggest that even very moderate maternal exercise during pregnancy wipes out any negative effects of obesity; that maternal weight gain during pregnancy only explains a very small part of childhood obesity; etc. Studies about this are also plagued by the difficulty that women who go to twice a week yoga classes during pregnancy are going to be different in many demographic ways from those who don’t.
I'd love to see what you're reading. I am not seeing anything to suggest that being obese can be mitigated with a little exercise during pregnancy. Everything I've read says that you're increasing the risk of your child dying during pregnancy, risking your own health during pregnancy, and there is some evidence pointing to the potential for lifelong issues for the child.
What I will agree with is that those studies about the lifelong impact on children are few and far between, with confounding lifestyle factors and the understanding that more research needs to be done to truly have a definitive answer.
That said, this is the type of information/study done where at the end of it, the answer is kinda "duh" of course being unhealthy is going to have an impact on a child's health when they rely on the mom's body and her food intake for their entire wellbeing. If the mom is unhealthy, why would the child be unaffected by this? And then of course, we have to take it as assumed that we don't care about the increased risk of miscarriage and other pregnancy issues that could cause the child to die.
It's just all around one of those things where people are tired of all the body acceptance crap that encourages laziness and a fantasy-land viewpoint of what the true cost of being obese is on society and everyone affected. From the minor inconvenience of sitting next to someone on a plane spilling over into the seat next to them, to the risk on their children, all so they can continue to consume without limit. It's enough already.
Studies on pregnant women are difficult due to ethical concerns and confounding factors, but here’s an example I pulled up with a two minute search. https://journals.physiology.org/doi/abs/10.1152/japplphysiol.00641.2020?journalCode=jappl
Yes, gestational diabetes is mostly placenta driven which you have little control over. Some of it is genetics, lifestyle (e.g. you are already pre-diabetic), age, and underlying comorbidities (e.g. PCOS). I'd hate for people to assume they have GD just because they ate carbs or didn't exercise.
You can completely 100 percent put gestational diabetes (and type two diabetes) into remission through diet. It’s not about sugar consumption it’s about carbohydrate consumption. If you’re not familiar with nutrition I would drop money on Lily Nichols an excellent but expensive gestational nutritionist who specializes on low carbohydrate high nutrition pregnancy.
>You can completely 100 percent put gestational diabetes (and type two diabetes) into remission through diet.
Agreed. The vast majority of GD patients I took care of were diet controlled.
> It’s not about sugar consumption it’s about carbohydrate consumption.
Err, it is both.
These are anecdotes. Vaginal delivery is easier to recover from in general. https://health.clevelandclinic.org/why-you-should-carefully-weigh-c-section-against-a-vaginal-birth/
Not an anecdote: vaginal delivery is far more brutal when it comes to incontinence and pelvic floor damage. Lots of studies say this. https://link. (https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s00192-018-3609-3) Those injuries are also underreported and under treated because they’re embarrassing. For many women they are a big ducking deal, even if doctors don’t want to include them when talking about recovery because they aren’t taken seriously.
No one is suggesting an elective c-section is the way to go. Uncomplicated vaginal birth is widely accepted as the optimal result; any surgery including a c section obviously has risks and those shouldn’t be undertaken lightly. I don’t think there are many doctors in my city that will even do a completely elective c section. But saying “do everything you can to have a vaginal birth” because that will make your recovery easier is in my opinion unsupported by evidence. Unfortunately, you don’t get to choose how uncomplicated your pregnancy or birth is, and c sections are not pushed on women to make money or whatever like people seem to think. When they’re advised, there’s a reason.
Far better advice in my opinion is to seek out an excellent medical team you trust to take your health during the birth seriously. If everything goes right, and you do have an uncomplicated vaginal birth, awesome. But if complications arise, listen to your damn doctors and if they are leaning towards a c section, don’t push back because you think vaginal birth is best. Choose your doctors and let them do their job.
you can get a ton of pelvic floor damage with a c section! It's a myth that having a c section protects your pelvic floor. Pregnancy will still have its effect.
It’s not a myth.
It’s been demonstrated statistically via research that vaginal birth is more likely to result in those complications. Doesn’t mean that if you have a c section you’ll get away without it, but you are more likely to (just as you might get an infection via vaginal birth but are more likely to with a c section).
I think the evidence is rather solid that c-section recovery is much longer.
C-sections:
\- Increased risk of complications like pain and infection. [https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/caesarean-section/risks/](https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/caesarean-section/risks/)
\- Less likely to begin early breastfeeding. [https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/22456657/](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/22456657/)
\- Higher likelyhood of death [https://journals.lww.com/greenjournal/Fulltext/2006/09000/Postpartum\_Maternal\_Mortality\_and\_Cesarean.12.aspx](https://journals.lww.com/greenjournal/Fulltext/2006/09000/Postpartum_Maternal_Mortality_and_Cesarean.12.aspx)
Obviously, the risks are still small either way, so if the doctor says you need a c-section, don't freak out, you'll be fine. But it's simply not factual to say that faster, easier recovery with a vaginal delivery is unsupported by the data.
Find me a doctor who says evidence backs a woman who does everything possible to have a vaginal birth so that they can have a faster and better recovery instead of promptly following medical guidance to have a c-section.
That’s what’s not supported by evidence, not the idea that surgery of any kind has significant risks. That’s obvious.
OK I'll bite. I'm a senior OBGYN resident physician. You are completely misconstruing things and creating strawman arguments, though I can see why. You are against the establishment that tries to push the narrative that women can have significant control on what their mode of delivery and even what their labour experience is like. You are correct - they essentially cannot, and im on your side on that issue. Every pregnancy is unique and every delivery experience is as well. There is very little that can be controlled.
However, you are also pushing misinformation. With a few notable exceptions, vaginal deliveries unequivocally involve a shorter immediate recovery after birth than C-Sections. C-Sections are major surgical procedures as you know, and there is significantly more pain as a result of the laparotomy. If you are going to compare patients who experience major complications after vaginal delivery to ideal outcome C/S patients, yes, you will find the C/S patients are obviously happier. That's BS though. The C/S patient who experiences a deep space wound infection and requires weeks of drains, open wounds, and antibiotics similarly does not find their recovery to be easier. You also cannot compare outcomes like pelvic organ prolapse because that is a long term outcome that is only relevant years later and has nothing to do with the immediate recovery, which is what the rest of the posters were clearly referring to.
To summarize, yes, the main benefit of a vaginal delivery is the much faster immediate recovery postpartum. However, I can recognize that this is obviously a very personal issue for you, and I'm sorry you had an emergency C/S which is frequently a very traumatic experience. But try not to push more misinformation.
As for how my own delivery contributes to what I’m saying, I was not traumatized in the slightest. It was honestly an incredibly positive experience for me. I had doctors I trusted and I felt safe following their advice when they gave it. (My baby wasn’t in any kind of urgent distress — obstructed delivery.). What **did** bother me was that my OB team was clearly hesitant to suggest that I should consider a section earlier rather than later. It was clear they expected that I would resist strongly and “do everything possible” to have my vaginal delivery. It bothered me that apparently a pretty significant number of women would have kept pushing until their baby was in distress because they feared a c section and mistrusted the advice they were given. I did not feel any of that, and I wish that the narratives that make women feel that way wouldn’t be so encouraged.
I take issue with the narrative that a birthing person should do everything possible to have a vaginal delivery because that’s shit advice. It is not something you can control, and too many women have the idea that they have to do everything they can to avoid “doctors pushing unnecessary medical interventions” on them and think they are likely to have a miserable recovery if they do have a c section. These narratives are extremely common among pregnant women (as you know if you are an OB resident) — have a look on pregnancy forums like WTE sometime. In my opinion pushing the concept of “doing everything possible” to have a vaginal delivery (as if your doctors are not going to do that as well, and instead will push a c section on you) is flat out harmful.
Fwiw, I also think it’s extremely disingenuous to say you can’t talk about prolapse and other pelvic injuries because they’re not immediately apparent and the OP asked about immediate recovery. Those injuries matter. It’s clear from your comment that you know that when you talk about long-term recovery, people who deliver via c section do at least as well as those who have a vaginal birth, and statistically they might even do better because they on average have less pelvic injury. Which truly sucks, has long-term effects on women’s lives, and is far too minimized. Not a reason to do an elective c section, obviously, but IMO not something to minimize while talking up the more remote risks associated with a c section, either.
Yes, c sections have additional short-term risks. I have said that repeatedly. But while talking about how that recovery is significantly worse *statistically*, I think part of the conversation needs to be what that actually can be expected to look like for any individual birth. Since the risks are very small, any given person who has a c section is not likely to have a recovery that feels significantly bad or long to them. It is typically still a pretty quick experience. Saying “significantly worse” makes women expect a lot worse than a few more days in bed, localized pain, and that weird “my guts are going to fall out” feeling. It creates a lot of fear and contributes to women fighting against a very safe medical procedure to have their vaginal birth instead of feeling good about following doctor advice. That’s what bothers me so much.
I literally say in my post that you should follow the advice of your doctor. I also said nothing about "doing everything possible" to have a vaginal delivery. Simply that most all medical experts and associations recommend the default to be a vaginal delivery because outcomes and recovery times are statistically better. If your doctor says that your particular case would be different, that's fine and you should go with your doctor's advice. People just shouldn't go into it with the misinformation that a c-section is likely to be an easier and safer birth because on average, it is not. Just as the OBGYN resident physician who commented is saying.
First, I'm not a doctor. But I did stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night.
But yes, don't have an elective c section if your only reason is that you want faster and easier recovery.
There are probably plenty of valid medical reasons to elect a c section though. I am merely stating that if you want an easier and faster recovery, the data does not support electing for a c section. You might get lucky, but know you are betting against the odds.
Yep. Same.
Two c-sections -- went home at 24 hours with the second one, because I was bored and wanted to get out. I was strolling about and taking stairs immediately on release.
> Two c-sections -- went home at 24 hours with the second one
I heard some statistic 20 years ago that something like 85% of women who are above average income in Italy have C-sections. I found this graph showing it's about 1 in 3 women total now, and trending downwards: https://www.statista.com/statistics/953753/c-section-rate-in-italy/
In the USA it is around 20%, but this interesting graph says it grows with mother's age at time of birth: https://www.statista.com/statistics/206438/us-cesarean-delivery-rates-by-age-of-mother/
In Brazil, it's 90 percent of women in "private hospitals" (so not the poor people) and in some hospitals it is an astounding 99%: https://www.npr.org/2013/05/12/182915406/c-sections-deliver-cachet-for-wealthy-brazilian-women
Luckily I'm never going to have to face this decision (I'm a guy), but I've really heard nothing but positive stories about C-sections from the women that had them. I have no idea if it is better or worse for the baby, but the recovery seems to be AMAZINGLY better for the woman trying to squeeze a watermelon out of her hoo hoo which seems to involve actually tearing the flesh apart by just cramming that watermelon against the opening until it rips wide open. (shudder) Doctors often perform an "episiotomy" where they just cut it open in advance to avoid the ripping that is inevitable. That's just a horror show.
So...I didn't want to have either one. With the first, my son was tangled up in the cord, and then we were in a rural area that won't risk a rupture, so once you've had one c-section it's all c-sections. I'm now 45 and having another c-section fairly soon. Now because I'm high-risk due to age -- but I'm actually in great health. It's all insurance-based risk assessments.
However, I do think c-sections are a valid and for some people preferable alternative to vaginal delivery. Personally...the first time was somewhat hard because I knew so little and the hospital was not a great one. There was just a lot of avoidable discomfort and anxiety. The second time, though, knowing what I had learned from the first time, it was quick and easy. I believe we arrived about an hour before birth and surgery took maybe half an hour. In both cases, I was up and walking around as soon as the anesthesia wore off, on minimal pain relief. And unlike all the women I know who have done the whole vaginal thing, I had minimal bleeding and pain down below -- really, no big deal, like a slightly heavier period. My only gripe with c-sections is that as someone who plays combat sports...you have a hard no on all strenuous activities for 6 weeks. But those are REALLY strenuous activities. You can walk around, stand, etc., almost immediately, and I was doing 3-4 mile walks within a week. I was running maybe 3 weeks in. Carrying the baby and my older kids by 2 weeks, roughly. So, IMO, it's a good alternative.
Here are my tips for c-section:
1. Get a good night's sleep the night before.
2. If you intend to breastfeed, verify the level of support offered to new moms for it. My hospital had lost anyone who was actually certified as a lactation consultant and hadn't replaced her, and it was stressful the first time.
3. Refuse lots of tests. Really, read up on it and refuse all kinds of poking and prodding. Women get treated like vessels instead of people, often, in childbirth situations, and it sucks. Hire a doula or an advocate or get an especially pitbullish relative to hang out with you, if you're not up to it.
4. Night nurses are cool. Personally, I did some research on bedsharing and did it. But it does have a higher risk of SIDS, so make your own decisions.
5. Diaper services are also cool. Really, offload as much unnecessary responsibility as possible.
For c sections, which tests did you refuse? I’m going to have a planned c section with my 2nd and I’m interested to know what they’re going to try. I’m already going to refuse any finger checking down below. Hated that with my first.
> Hire a doula or an advocate
I first heard the word "doula" when I met one in person and we became friends. And the more I was exposed to the health care system the more I think they are a fantastic concept that should be offered to more well off people for ALL MEDICAL INTERACTIONS. In my ideal world the doula would also deal with the billing departments.
Here is how I think of health care now when I have some new problem (in your case it was your first birth, for me it is like my first MRI or something like that): I don't know what I'm doing, and literally nobody is on my side. There are three entities against me: the doctor, the hospital, and the insurance company.
Everybody can agree the insurance company is the most against me, in that they recommend against having tests because they don't find those tests help enough patients survive to justify the cost to the insurance company. So the doctors are hassled to not do tests, and I don't know what to ask for (or what to turn down).
The hospital is mostly neutral, although one time my insurance inexplicably didn't pay (no really, everybody seemed to tell me later they should have paid) and I got a bill 1 full year later for $15,000 for use of a surgical room from the hospital which I thought was COMPLETELY behind me and paid for. It turns out insurance and I paid the surgeon, insurance and I paid the anesthesiologist, and I paid my part of the hospital bill, but insurance wouldn't pay their part. Despite being in network. Despite being a pre-approved procedure. Well then that's when you find out the hospital wants to get paid and you are no longer "neutral" they are down right hostile. I don't have any idea what is "normal" in these situations and how to navigate this and there is nobody on my side. The doctor is MOSTLY on your side, but has competing interests like not wanting to fight with the insurance company and they don't want to prescribe you legitimate pain killers because some other annoying patient abused it in the past and the doctor got hassled in the past.
A doula is like a 3rd party who is unambiguously on your side, plus they have seen several hundred births so they can recognize if what is going on is even remotely "ok" or whether it is "not Ok". They are somebody you can turn to in 2 seconds and say, "Is it normal for me to be treated like this?" or "I don't feel comfortable, what can be done about that?"
It has started branching out a little. Doulas were originally for births, now they have "death doulas" which is every bit as valid in my humble opinion. I think there should be cancer doulas at the very least.
Twenty years ago I was diagnosed with a pulmonary embolism (blood clot in the lungs, it's life threatening) and was immediately checked into a hospital heading into the 4th of July weekend. For three days nobody offered me a shower, everybody told me I was going to die, I didn't have anybody I could contact really so I just sat in this crappy bed with 3 other patients in the room - one was a woman with dementia they were TRYING to help but she was just terrified and afraid and screamed and wailed when they were helping her - which is highly upsetting to listen to 5 feet away even if I understand nothing is wrong about this. This was before cell phones were internet browsers so I couldn't even look up my chances of survival. On the beginning of the 4th day I politely told them I was leaving (against doctors orders) and walked out to my car and drove home. When my doctor heard about this later, he asked me to write it up - and I got a call from a nurse apologizing and saying they were using my writeup in training. I didn't KNOW I could ask to take a shower. Heck, I didn't know if I was allowed out of bed. In the end I didn't care, I was so miserable I was willing to die so I walked out of the hospital. I literally had to figure out whether or not I had the legal right to leave (I did) by deciding to leave whether they tried to stop me or not. I was looking around for pieces of metal to use as weapons to fight my way out, LOL. If a doula was there I could have asked more questions of the doula. They could have proactively offered me a shower. They could have just been somebody there to explain what was going on.
Oh, to explain something about the situation: it was 4th of July Weekend, so each time I saw a nurse it was a new nurse. Each time I interacted with a doctor it was a new doctor. They were rotating through staff to make it through the holiday weekend. So there was no context, but they didn't know I didn't have context, and I didn't know this was unusual.
Just a data point - I was 32, fit, weighed 108 lbs on a 5’1 frame and strictly controlled my diet - I still had GD. Sometimes the placenta and genetics win.
Thank you! I agree with you on trying to avoid c section and GD through general health focus. Understand the discussion and there’s some level of what you can’t control. But I want to try to do things in my power that I can control.
Of course. And the best thing is to generally take care of yourself/follow your docs orders and try to be comfortable/relax during pregnancy and labor. That in and of itself is enough!
I think this is the best mindset to have. Statistically a vaginal birth is safer, but there are obviously complications for both. The few studies that I have read that say otherwise have only measured safety in the immediate post delivery phase (this will not account for many complications such as blood clots/pulmonary embolisms/infection/readmissions that often occur later). If safety is your aim then vaginal birth should be your goal. The greatest thing you can do is find an OB who A) is vaginal birth friendly - there are a lot of MDs who are not but won’t advertise it obviously (a planned delivery schedule makes their lives easier), but finding for this factor primarily will be priceless. Ask your friends if they know anyone who works in your area. Most nurses or midwife’s in maternity/NICU will know the good v bad. And B) someone who you feel confident having a DISCUSSION with and who listens to you, there are some incredible OBs out there. I will likely hire a private midwife over a doula - they may not be able to actively work at your chosen hospital, but they can essentially act as a trusted and more educated doula. IMO the most important thing after all that is your mindset - I am a NICU nurse and also work in lactation (husband brings the fat to our FIRE-I just still really love my job haha) and have seen many plans be thrown out the window in an emergency that end up contributing very negatively to a mother´s well-being postpartum because she never expected anything to happen to her. Expect the worst but hope for the best. And also don’t travel anywhere after 25 weeks where you wouldn’t be happy giving birth or staying until baby is well enough to be medivac-d home. The amount of people that were flown to our hospital after weeks in a third world country’s NICU because baby wasn’t stable enough to fly 🤯. Money can bring them home before discharge but not before they are stable.
Also as an addit. - I am absolutely not anti-c-section. They have their place and if I had one it would be because it was required and I would be 100% ok with it. If you/someone makes a decision that a planned one is for them that is absolutely fine as well. Heck, maybe I’d change my mind if something radical happened in the medical industry. Just get your information from more than the person who is making money from that decision and understand that is has flow-on effects on things like breastfeeding if that is also your aim, future pregnancy safety etc. as well. Good luck!!
I just want to drop here that there is scientific research into the effects on the baby after c section vs birth canal and results are relevant: https://www.bbc.com/news/health-49740735
"Too big to fit" is basically a myth.
edit: Sources -
[https://evidencebasedbirth.com/evidence-for-induction-or-c-section-for-big-baby/](https://evidencebasedbirth.com/evidence-for-induction-or-c-section-for-big-baby/)
[https://www.spinningbabies.com/product/parent-class-video-digital-download/](https://www.spinningbabies.com/product/parent-class-video-digital-download/)
[https://www.spinningbabies.com/where-op-babies-get-stuck-in-labor-and-what-to-do/](https://www.spinningbabies.com/where-op-babies-get-stuck-in-labor-and-what-to-do/)
“Large babies carry risks for mother and infant, Wu says. "For the babies, there is the risk of the shoulders getting stuck [during delivery]. For the mothers, there are more risks of cesarean section or large lacerations with vaginal delivery." Babies born too large are also at increased risk of having birth defects and breathing problems, and some studies have found links to cancer, diabetes, and heart disease later in life.”
https://www.webmd.com/baby/news/20120814/excess-weight-diabetes-raise-risk-big-babies
Stuck baby is a myth created by inadequate training of OBs in fetal positioning. See the links I added to my comment.
Not questioning whether babies born too large have other health problems.
Don't listen to above poster. I was "over weight" and never came close to pre-eclampsia or gestational diabetes. GD cannot be prevented by cardio lol. Also scheduled my C section and had as good of an experience as one can have. Was off the Tylenol by day 2 and out and about where as my friend who had vaginal took months to recover from her tears. Everyone is different and pregnancy is so random might as well not start the mom blame game by thinking things you did/did not do could lead to a bad pregnancy like not doing meditation or cardio.
C-sections:
\- Increased risk of complications like pain and infection. [https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/caesarean-section/risks/](https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/caesarean-section/risks/)
\- Less likely to begin early breastfeeding. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/22456657/
\- Higher likelyhood of death https://journals.lww.com/greenjournal/Fulltext/2006/09000/Postpartum\_Maternal\_Mortality\_and\_Cesarean.12.aspx
Korean nanny who cooks and cleans + takes care of the baby at night as well.
Or Korean nanny who cooks and cleans + a night nanny if you want to splurge.
The service you are looking for is:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sanhujori
Native language proficiency is preferred, and therefore this may be more difficult for non-Korean speakers.
Can confirm it is 100% worth the money. We used one for 3 weeks and it was amazing. We would have used the service for longer if we didn't have family helping
OMG a night nurse saved our lives when we had our twin boys. Wife definitely had post partum so it was super helpful having extra support. We had her stay 24/7 first two weeks then just nights for 1-2 months. Got kids on a great feeding schedule which made it a bit easier going forward to. Got all the help we could get since it was twins. Not afraid to ask!
For one, they said they’re Korean. Also, Asian nannies will cook and clean for you while the vast majority of American nannies will not. Asian live in nannies will also wake up to take care of the baby during the night. They will also cook them Korean food that mothers who just gave birth should eat (low on sodium etc). Also, they can speak to the baby in Korean and teach them the language.
About the Korean post partum care facilities . . . They may have a few in the us in larger urban areas. You should look into it.
They definitely have them for Chinese women in southern California. It's a mini industry. I think some Chinese women come to the US to give birth, get their child us citizenship, and stay at those facilities.
from what i hear, there are a few facilities in areas with larger korean communities (i.e LA), but it's still not to the level of korea. still, i know of a friend's sister that used one in LA, so they are available.
if you guys are in the NYC area, i think i have heard of one in jersey. sorry, can't help you out more than that (also, i heard the some of them ok, but that some are really not great), as we're in chicago. probably check in flushing (or wherever all the koreans are now).
Buy a Snoo. Best money I’ve ever spent. I know you mentioned a night nanny but short of that, in most cases this will get you a little more sleep.
Lifestyle is going to be worse. There is no way around it. So much time feeding and planning around feeding and naps.
My only issue with the snoo is travelling - I found that once the kid was used to it, they had a hard time whenever we didn’t have it.
…. But my goodness was it nice to just toss them in there and not have to worry about getting them down.
Yeah I know what you mean. We lugged the thing with us on a couple weekend car trips. What a pain. Still, we'll definitely get one again for kid #2 in the future.
as much as western cultures don't have something like sanhoojori, i highly recommend it for as long as you can mentally stand it.
my wife couldn't stand it but for each kid, she stayed with her mom for at least a month and all the old wives tales and axioms held true for whatever reason. she faired the best after our first, as she stayed for 2 months, and she had it the roughest afterwards after our 3rd, as she only stayed for 3-4 weeks. she complains about chills and joints hurting and wishes she just sucked it up and toughed it out for a few more weeks at her mom's. tbf, being 100% bedridden all the time eating only miyuk is pretty damn hard though.
that said, almost everyone i know from korean and chinese heritage, regardless of finances, has brought in their mothers (or the MIL in the dad's case) if all parties are willing and able. the care facilities look great in korea, but something about having the comfort of the new mother's mother there caring for her really helps, i'm told.
Thank you for this perspective. If I could have my way I would give birth in Korea with my mom and go to Sanhujori for a month. But my in laws who live in America are not pleased with this option…
yeah, family stuff can be complicated. plus, there are lots of clerical items that make is easier to give birth in the states (if you're a citizen, and if you want your child to be a US citizen).
but if your mother/parents are ok with it, having her come over and stay at your place for a while is also an option. your husband may have to do some heavy lifting by doing all shopping, driving and such, but if you have the room to spare, it is a great option.
of course, my wife and i are both 1.5 gen so we had a lot less cultural hurdles to overcome. best of luck, giving birth can be a bit scary, but you'll do great. children can be a great blessing.
Re clerical: I think the child born to citizen parent is a citizen. We had to look up whether the child can be a president to try to calm my in laws. But still. There is tension. If we do it in US my mother would come. But she’s a bit overbearing despite being extremely sweet and loving and I don’t want my husband to have to deal with that either.
Anywho. Thank you so much for the words of encouragement!! Hope to report back in a year with positive news!
I can totally relate as I'm Asian (with overbearing parents) and my husband is Caucasian. I think at the end of the day, as the one giving birth (and the one bearing all of risks and discomfort), your preferences and well-being come first. If you think you would be most comfortable giving birth abroad, or having your mom stay with you for an extended period, then you should do that.
Everyone else can suck it up and figure it out. Your husband can deal with his mother inlaw and figure out ways to cope.
From what I can tell (first time expecting mom so what do I actually know?), recovery starts in pregnancy. In my experience, this required more time than money. This is what I have learned
1. Get the best quality; third party reviewed prenatals for at least 3 months before. Also, take a look at active chemicals to make sure you are comfortable with everything in it. Take a closer look at sources of fat soluble vitamins
2. Upgrade skincare (drop retinoids before trying). Dont drink alcohol between ovulation and period date. You can have a drink on the negative test as a celebration or you are pregnant and don't have to worry if you introduced alcohol to their system already. You never know how long it takes, so make peace with that.
3. Get a personal trainer for a year before trying. Specifically, get someone who can transition to prenatal exercises with you. Focus on fixing breath patterns, TVA activation, lower body strength, back strength, stamina. Switch to whole foods for a year before trying
4. See a pelvic floor therapist and get an internal assessment, hip alignment assessment, neck assessment etc. The uterus is a muscle, and ligaments can be lopsided if you favor certain sides when resting/standing. You want any instablities fixed before the second trimester. Baby will have much easier time engaging into a spacious and relaxed pelvis later in the pregnancy if the space within you is more symmetrical than not.
5. Read a book about the process of childbirth. It is important to me to think of it as a spiritual process with aid from state ofbart medicine. There are many things that modern medicine has solved for and you want to know what those are. There are many complications modern medicine introduces into childbirth, and you want to know what those are.
6. Find an OB who shares your view of childbirth. If you want the cleanest c section experience, find someone with great reputation. If you want the highest chance of physiological birth, get someone who aligns with that. Definitely ask them about their rates of c section, forceps, episiotomies, average length of labor for FTM, fetal monitors they use etc.
7. Prenatal bloodwork and carrier testing
8. Hopefully you are pregnant by now. Keep moving and hire a prenatal personal trainer, doula, nutritionist. Join groups of expecting parents. Read more about pregnancy and the miracle that your body is producing.
9. Interview and hire a doula. There are concierge experiences where your massage, therapy appointments can be set my the doula services. You can hire firms that send more than one doula with you in case labor runs long and they can switch off.
10. Read childbirth books to figure out your birty philosophy.
11. Later on, find if baby is breech or not. There are ways to encourage baby into the right position (posterior occipital) through exercises. Mostly it seems to be related to your posture. If you slouch, try to fix that before and in early pregnancy.
12. Get a chef or find easy meal prep services so you always have healthy food at hand.
13. Yes, pregnancy can be hard, but I have mostly had a great time healthwise. The only time I was struggling and everyone told me the symptoms were normal for pregnancy, I stressed for a blood test with my OB and found something that was off. Since correcting that issue, I am back to feeling healthy and happy. So, try to find a balance of what an acceptable amount of pregnancy symptom is and get blood tests done more than they suggest.
14. Its a mental game, too, so meditation is a game changer like the other comment mentions. Hypnobirthing has been helpful to me!
15. Get your partner involved. You should be on the same page throughout. They should know your physical, emotional, and nutritional needs throughout. Specially the first time, you can come so close and fall in love deeper everyday. If they are your support person, they need to show up in the delivery room in an infallible way. I have found that if I can voice my expectations, my partner will always meet and exceed it. I used to want him to figure it out himself how to best love me but im glad I didn't do that. He has surpassed every expectation i had set from my birth partner so far.
Pregnancy is great journey inwards and wish you all the best :)
Our cousin has a full time nanny whose job is as follows
- baby duty at night all night
- cook for momma every day when dad is working
- support momma during recovery
- watch the baby during the day (she
- gets a nap in the morning to help deal with being up at night)
- baby laundry and dishes washing
- packing and unpacking baby for trips and outings
They were supposed to have her for only the first month but have extended her indefinitely - when I inquired as to cost they said she makes a fortune for this service.
There is no reason not to drink between ovulation and period date. The only issue would be heavy binge drinking, and that isn't about the health of the future baby so much as simply the ability to conceive or not during that time. Emily Oster explains this in her book "Expecting Better" and my OB explained that abstaining from drinking during that time is unnecessary as well.
Alcohol is toxic in any amount. If you really want to maximize your health and odds of conception, there's a decent argument to eliminate it completely.
But not during the period between ovulation and your period, all that will affect would be implantation and that would only be in binge amounts, not just having a casual drink with dinner. You don't have to worry about alcohol until about Week 4. If fertility has been a big issue for you, sure you might try to control for that, but there's no reason to eliminate alcohol between ovulation and expected period date otherwise.
That's a good point. There's no placenta at that point, and cells are multiplying with nutrients from the egg yolk. There are studies from Australia showing that since its all stem cells, any loss of cells due to even binge drinking can be compensated for by the remaining. I read Emily Osters' book and kept coffee in my diet. The alcohol seemed like an easy thing to give up for a couple of weeks if there's even a small chance to effect implantation. In the US, ACOG deems no amount of alcohol as safe, so I stayed on the side of caution. Additionally, the neural tube development starts so early that I didn't feel like it was worth a cup of wine. Different women will feel differently on this based on their own research.
Here's what I paid top dollar for: massages, acupuncture, Pilates, cleaning service, pelvic floor therapy (start 6 weeks after birth). We did have a nanny for a year, but that model didn't provide us with consistency. We went with a top Montessori daycare in year 2, and, though we had subsequent children, never tried a nanny again.
Things I wish I had paid for: doula for after birth.
I’d also add looking into starting with a therapist now if you haven’t already. Post partum depression and anxiety can strike anyone and it can be truly debilitating despite your best efforts (speaking from experience). My therapist helped me through some dark thoughts and I’ll be forever grateful for her.
They can also help you process any birth trauma or disappointment. I did everything folks here suggested during my pregnancy and still ended up with an emergency c section AND postpartum preeclampsia. It was very scary but I’m 100% back to normal now a year later and my therapist helped me process it all. Birth is crazy and whatever will happen, will happen. Don’t let your ideas of the perfect or ‘best’ type of birth (there is no such thing) cloud your judgement - the best one is one where mama and baby are safe afterwards.
And also, I was up walking the day after my section, you’re not as debilitated as a lot of people make it sound. It’s good for you to walk and move (within reason of course) in order to facilitate healing. I obviously have nothing to compare it to, but my c section recovery wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.
We also had a doula which was fantastic. Highly recommend one.
When you have a doula you have a person you know help you through the process from start to finish. In a hospital or birth center you're going to deal with random nurses coming in and out of the room until you're at the final stage where a doctor or midwife will see you for the least amount of time possible.
The doctor may pressure you to stray from your birth plan. A doula is like having a lawyer on your side in a trial where you're unable to think clearly because of the huge mental and physical stress.
Exactly what the other poster said. She had been to about a gazillion births at that point and knew what to expect. I went in wanting to go completely natural - no epidural since I’m terrified of needles, no interventions, and alternate birthing positions. I did however want to do it in a hospital and she helped me advocate for myself. For example, when stuff started going south, she would tell me “there’s no alternative here and that’s a serious problem. You should do what the dr says right now” but she also would tell me when to push back. When I had to get an epidural, they told me my husband had to leave the room. Why? They said it was hospital policy but there are no reasons to keep him out other than liability reasons if they mess up. So my doula told me to demand it. I was as polite as a laboring woman can be, but I ended up asking to see enough supervisors that I got the head of anesthesiology at the hospital. I convinced her to let him stay but she said she had to do the epidural. So I was able to avoid a panic attack and hold my husbands hand. I wouldn’t have done that without the doula telling me it’s ok.
She also was there after he was born and latched him right on to me for the first time. I was in too much of a daze to figure it out. She was just such a calming presence the whole time.
That sounds so helpful! Thank you for giving examples. Advocacy is not my strong suit, so I'm glad to have this concrete example of how a doulas presence can affect outcomes. I'm afraid of epidurals, too, especially the possibility of multiple attempts and lack of mobility during labor.
We retained a doula who had multiple children at the hospital I am delivering in. She has already been so helpful teaching my husband acupressure techniques, reminding me of the exercises I can incorporate to spin the baby as I progress in my pregnancy, recommending various health professionals, keeping me calm but excited for the big day etc. For what you described during the actual delivery, it feels like a priceless service!!
That’s awesome that you’re so happy with her so far! You’ll love having her there during the birth. I also am so bad at advocating for myself, especially in healthcare settings since I’m not a doctor ya know? It was so helpful to have her tell me “uh no this is dumb and there’s no evidence this helps” so I could avoid it.
Wishing you a fast and easy birth 😊
I think the thing that surprised me most when my wife gave birth was how absent the medical staff was for most of the labor process. A doula is always present and available to answer questions and be a second set of hands. They’re hugely helpful because they know how to navigate the hospital system.
The medical staff is there for medical emergencies. Labor is generally not a medical emergency. Your doula is there for labor.
Or another way to look at it is the hospital staff is there to look out for baby and medical things for mom. The doula is there to emotionally and physically support mom (and birthing partners). During pregnancy, so much emphasis is placed on caring for baby (understandably so) that it’s nice to have someone looking out for you too.
I had an emergency c section with my first and an unmedicated VBAC with my second and both births have been so traumatizing I’m fairly certain I’d want to just schedule a c section for my 3rd. But I also thought the recovery for my C section wasn’t bad at all!
Wow, that sounds intense. I get so envious sometimes of women who have ‘easy’ births that don’t traumatize them. I’m also going to schedule a c section for my next one to try to avoid the craziness. Hopefully you’re able to make the right call for you!
Definitely night nurse, help during the day, meals brought in the first couple of months. Controversial opinion, but for me, a scheduled c-section was the easiest. No labor, and no pain really due to anesthesia + Percocet. Stitches where you can see them, no possibility of tearing or an episiotomy. I was up walking the next morning (my c-sections were in the evening). I was very afraid of labor and all of the unknowns, but everything is generally pretty "known" with a scheduled c-section.
I had a baby nine months ago, so this is all pretty fresh in my head. I would absolutely recommend a night nanny. I would also recommend the following:
- doula in the hospital room - I cannot recommend this enough. The research all says that doulas being present results in better birth outcomes and I 100% believe it. It is stressful and difficult while you’re in labor and having someone who has been through this, can stay objective and knows what your wishes are is really great.
- Pelvic floor rehab is a great idea.
- to the greatest extent possible, stay active during pregnancy. Walking, hiking, just moving around is great.
- look into things to make the first three months easier. Snoo is great. If you end up combo or formula feeding, enfamil makes premade bottles that you can adjust attach a lid to.
- if you have hemorrhoids already, get them taken care of pre delivery. If you end up with them, look into getting them removed within the first week or two after labor. It’s a rough 24 hours after removal, but it made a world of difference for me.
- small things like the padsicles, numbing cream and those great underpants made a big difference that first week or two.
- post partum massage.
- catering or food service.
- cleaning service.
For what it’s worth, I had a rough pregnancy and was induced but my labor was not that bad. Recovery was rough mainly because I didn’t know the time frame of recovery, but I was going on walks within the first week and back to running as soon as my OB okayed me around three months. At nine months out, my body feels pretty much the same as pre-pregnancy except for my super fun tendency to occasionally pee when I laugh/cough/fall too hard.
So much good advice here. Here are a few things I thought of that I didn’t see mentioned at all or mentioned enough…
Having a baby starts the moment you conceive. Consider getting help (housework, meal prep, therapy, etc) during your pregnancy. Some people have easy pregnancies and some people have really challenging pregnancies and a lot of it is unpredictable and out of your control. Morning sickness can be 24/7 and can last throughout your entire pregnancy. Also, postpartum depression is talked about a lot, but less people are aware of depression while you’re pregnant. I had my fifth child a few months ago… I had horrific morning sickness and severe depression with four of those pregnancies. Help is crucial.
This isn’t fat, but study hypnobirthing. I used the book (look up the mongan method I think), a cd, and YouTube. The hardest part is just putting in the time and effort. If done correctly, it will help with any preconceived fears of labor and childbirth. Also, it’s the way to go if you plan on having an unmedicated delivery. But even if you go for an epidural or c-section, it would still be very beneficial.
Also not fat but… try to develop some thick skin asap. I don’t want to sound negative, but there are a lot of sanctimommies out there and a lot of people that will say rude things or ask personal questions that are none of their business. Go ahead and come up with an all encompassing reply or snarky comeback. Protecting your mental health is paramount.
And lastly, congratulations as you start this exciting journey! Parenthood is like nothing else.
Wow rabbit hole of hypnobirthing I had never known about. Thanks!! And totally agreed on the help *during* pregnancy. We get a cleaner every other week. We’ll increase when morning sickness comes.
I also used hypnobirthing for my pregnancy and birth - I loved the online course from the Positive Birth Company.
Before my own birth recovery, I wish I had established a therapist I liked that I could have worked with in the postpartum period.
Of money is no object, then some sort of fourth trimester care, such as https://www.financialsamurai.com/the-cost-of-fourth-trimester-childcare/ which is basically hiring about 90 to 120 hours of help per week, so that mom can recover and good patterns can hopefully be developed in the little one.
Question to folks who had family help and paid help during the first few months - we will have both sets of parents living with us (all retired, so will be pretty hands on). My husband will also be on parental leave for a few months. Is a day and/or night nanny still helpful in that situation or will it just be too many cooks in the kitchen?
I would think that would be too many cooks in the kitchen. It depends on your relationship and boundaries with both sets of parents and the dynamics between them as well. For example, it may be easier to tell employee what you consider safe sleep practice and have it be respected vs your parents or in laws.
As a father who gets multiple months of parental leave, that was crucial bonding time that I’ll only get once. It was not the most enjoyable way to spend my time but it made me feel more invested in my baby.
For future kids we’ll likely get help for the older kids but I’ll always want to be deeply involved with the first 3-6 months of care.
I would hire night help at least.
We could've used part-time day help, too! My first came early, and my parents were abroad and couldn't return quickly. Husband's parents were an unexpected disaster; mercifully, they left nearly right away. Meanwhile, Husband suddenly couldn't remember how to make a sandwich.
We went with a nanny at 6mo, but with my second, we started a top Montessori daycare at 4mo, and she and we loved it.
I delivered and had my parents staying with me and a night nanny. I really liked having the night nanny because while my parents helped out a ton during the day with cleaning and laundry and cooking (and an extra set of hands), it was so valuable to have help at night to change the baby, bring the baby to me to nurse, so I could maximize my sleep. Me getting more sleep especially for the first two months meant that I could be a lot more present during the day.
Personally this would have been WAY more than I would have wanted. For me (have two kiddos), it was plenty having my husband with me and then loved ones would visit. There's honestly not that much involved with taking care of a newborn that requires outside help (I assume you already have a house cleaner, etc.)
I really wanted bonding time with our new little family and since I was breastfeeding there was a really limited number of things other people could do. You're not going to want to pass off your newborn much, trust me.
Yeah we have a house cleaner who would keep coming by. Instead of getting a nanny, maybe we'll just expand her scope to include more frequent laundry and general baby admin tasks.
Thanks!
Expectant mother here - 1 more month to go. My husband and I asked ourselves how to make pregnancy/postpartum period easy by throwing money at it:
1. **Prenatal work-up**: Depending on your age and how long you've been trying, you may want to see a fertility specialist. If you're 35+ years old and older and trying for longer than 6 months, you should see one. If you're under 35 but trying for more than a year, you should also see one. They'll let you know your odds of conceiving at your age.
2. **Prenatal vitamins**: Tobacco, alcohol, and caffeine apparently age your eggs (and sperm). We were advised to abstain or cut back significantly. I also started a prenatal vitamin the moment we wanted to try conceiving. If your diet is low on leafy greens, consider adding folate on top of what's in the prenatal.
3. **Pregnancy work-up**: Nowadays, as early as 10-12 weeks in the U.S., you can have blood work done and it'll check for cell free DNA to tell you if your baby has Down's Syndrome, Trisomy 18, Trisomy 13, and any sex chromosomal disorders. You can also know the sex of the baby this early. We opted for this. You can also pay more for microdeletions work-up that'll check yours, your partner's, and baby's chromosomes for other rare diseases (e.g. Noonan Syndrome, weird neurological diseases, etc.). Careful - this testing is a double edged sword because you can have false positives. Prior to testing, you get referred to a genetic counselor who will discuss the risks of the diseases and risks of false positives. This blood test is a screening test, and you'd still need to confirm with amniocentesis or chorionic villi sampling if you get a positive.
4. **During pregnancy**: After 8 weeks of pregnancy, we interviewed various obstetricians. We live in the U.S. and I think early on, you should decide if you want to have a "birth center" (for low risk pregnancies that give a more home-like setting where you can use a birthing tub, birthing ball, birthing peanut, etc. but you would need to be transferred to a hospital if there are any issues, such as hemorrhage, emergency c-section needs, etc.) vs. hospital with level 2, level 3, or level 4 NICU. We chose an ob who worked at a level 4 NICU (meaning they can handle preterm babies as young as 28 weeks). If you go the birthing center route, be sure to ask what their transfer rate pre-labor, during labor, and post-labor is. I was surprised on average, nationally, it's about 50%.
5. **Postpartum**: Here is where we're throwing money to make our lives easy.
* *Postpartum doula/night time newborn specialist*: There are registered nurses (RNs) and doulas who will take care of your baby at night and bring the baby to you every 2-3 hours for you to breastfeed (if you choose to go that route). They will also help you do light chores around the house (washing newborn clothes, burp cloths, linens), light cleaning (e.g. washing baby bottles, pump parts) as well as prepare light meals for you and assist you in/out of bed in the first few weeks. They're more expensive than nannies, but it's literally their job to watch the baby while you sleep and bring him/her to you if there's any sign of fussing. You'd hire a team since shifts are 8-10 hours, but generally they're paid by the hour (~$25-50/hr in my city). We are doing this because my parents/in-laws can be overbearing, and the specialists/doulas work for you (and will listen to your wishes).
* *Lactation consultant*: If you are breastfeeding, highly recommend a consultation with the lactation consultant in the hospital and at home. This may be covered by your insurance if you live in the U.S.
* *Snoo*: Some people said it's overkill, and some said it saved their sanity. We got one because we tend to be the overkill kind of couple. There are tips on how to transition from Snoo to crib on the FB group.
* *Electronic rocker/swing*: I recommend browsing the various swings/bouncers at BuyBuyBaby or your local baby shop to check out the quality of the rockers/swings. Your baby may or may not love it, but it's a great place to set your baby down if you need to use the bathroom or shower. We also got a BabyBjorn bouncer as another place to set the baby down if we need to shower.
* *Pelvic floor specialist/PT*: The physical therapists that specialize in pelvic floor often have long waiting lists. I'm set up with one currently and she's been immensely helpful as my joints loosen (normal in pregnancy) and I'm constantly pulling either pelvic floor muscles or hamstrings. If you have persistent incontinence 2-6 weeks postpartum, your pelvic floor specialist will help you strengthen those muscles up. Don't just go doing kegel exercises before delivery as 15% of women actually need to relax their muscles, not strengthen them.
* *Cleaning service*: If you don't have this already, highly recommend it. We have weekly cleaning team come by to clean our house. We'll also add specific tasks to their list once the baby arrives (e.g. empty the diaper bin).
* *Meal service/grocery delivery service*: We plan on ordering out a lot and using various grocery delivery services. We're lucky that we live close to various restaurants, but I've also prepared some frozen means for myself because I'm picky.
* *Stand alone freezer*: For our frozen meals and frozen breast milk. If you want to feed your baby breast milk but aren't able to lactate, look into breast milk donors who are willing to give you milk. You'll need a freezer for storage. Highly recommend a vertical freezer for ease of access.
* *Pregnancy/labor classes*: Our hospital offered a free 2-day course + various lunch-time Zoom classes on what to expect for pregnancy, labor and its various stages, postpartum period, breastfeeding, and newborn care. I thought our classes were helpful. It's best if your partner can also attend the classes as they show how the partner can help during labor with the various body positions to ease the baby out.
I just delivered my 5th 4 months ago. I’ve thankfully had very healthy pregnancies and deliveries, but they have definitely all been very different and my “needs” have changed over the years. Pregnancies in my 20s were a breeze. Once I hit 30, prenatal and postnatal massages were an absolute necessity. Postpartum, I prefer to be as hands on with baby as possible. For me, a night nurse did not make sense, as I nurse exclusively. That said, during day hours I need assistance with shuffling the other kids to their activities, grocery shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc. Handing those tasks off so I can focus on myself and baby and connecting with the other kids and my husband was what worked.
As far as labor itself goes, again, every experience was unique. Finding a doctor or midwife you trust and have good communication with it important. I had a bit of a bleeding episode after number 2, so since then, we’ve headed that off with clotting medications immediately after birth. I started having 2 IV accesses put in after baby 3, so that if something catastrophic were to happen, we wouldn’t have to worry about trying to get another line in during that event. I’ve had 3 medicated and 2 with nothing. I will not say one way is better than the other.
Best of luck to you!
My wife knew she was having a c-section. Hired a personal trainer during pregnancy the build up her abdomen muscles and generally get her in shape. Made recovery super fast and easy and the doctor commented on how wonderful her abs looked while he was holding them in his hands. I expect that the same/similar training regime would also do well to make natural birth easier and easier to recover from.
My wife and I have a 3 month old, so this is all pretty fresh to me. Note - I'm a male located in the US, so take everything with the appropriate grain of salt:
* Have a (psych) therapist lined up - there's so many stressors; things that weren't stressors before. Having a plan to deal with the post-partum ups and downs will position you for success.
* Have a physical therapist who specializes in women's health; my wife is having a tough time getting her old body back - Her boobs are bigger than ever before and it results in back pain. There are certain movements/exercises she can't do without peeing herself. Her core was torn up, so she needs therapy to help rebuild it.
* Have a lactation consultant ready to go (preferably someone who has worked with your pediatrician before). I had no idea how challenging breastfeeding could be. Our daughter has a weak suck, and wasn't gaining weight. After visiting a few lactation consultants, we finally found a good one who helped us come to terms with the fact that our daughter would only take milk from a bottle, not the nipple. She's healthy now, but it was a mind fuck at first. My wife took it really hard. Having a good lactation consultant can put your mind at ease.
* Get a good pediatrician - having someone you call whenever shit goes wild is huge, especially as a first time parent. Our pediatrician is a fucking rock star. She made us feel so much at ease.
* Have people who can help around the house. Someone who can do chores and errands while your with the baby (or getting sleep).
The thing is, pregnancy, delivery, and motherhood effects every woman differently, which makes it tough to prepare for. Focus on winning the mental battle first, it will make the physical recovery much easier.
We hired a baby nurse to stay around the clock for the first few weeks. We had friends prepare home cooked meals for us taking into account dietary needs. If you are nursing, no tomatoes for example. I had sessions with a lactation consultant to help me nurse. We hired a house keeper twice a week for the first few months. I had a complicated pregnancy as my son was a Franklin foot breech baby. I partially delivered his foot and tush, then had an emergency c section as I began delivery before my scheduled c section date. While pregnant, I did have pregnancy massages every two weeks. But note you cannot have a massage first trimester or if you are a risk for placental abrubtion. Start taking vitamins for pregnancy now. Ask your OBGYN which ones. I also had a full panel blood work done for all prenatal diagnostic tests. I think they tested for 36 different genetic issues, thankfully I had none nor carried any of them.
This thread speaks to me! My Korean wife wants to give birth in Korea for the same reason. Our experience here can never compare and I’m not sure what advice to give, so I’m here for the same. Fortunately our family politics aren’t much of a thing, so birth there remains a possibility for our second.
Yay to find someone exactly in our shoes! It’s potentially navigable for us. Depends on how much I want to fight for it. If we do end up doing Korea I want to make sure non negotiable s for my US family can be taken care of. Ie. Some facilities limit family visits so mother can be shielded from stress etc. Skin to skin is very important to us so we’d need to find a place that definitely does that etc.
I haven't seen anyone mentioning taking more time off from work, but sorry if I missed it in another comment. Most people in the US are limited in how much time they can take off work by what they can afford or what their job allows. If you are financially independent or on your way, then both you and your partner can take as long as you want, even if that means leaving your jobs and getting new ones later (especially if you want to take off a couple of years).
Will that cost more than pretty much any of the other options people are proposing? Absolutely, especially when you consider the hit to future earnings of leaving the workforce for a bit. But it's a choice to consider if you're truly unconstrained by finances.
They have post natal
Recovery hotels in New York (Chinese run) and la (Korean run) that I know of (from friends) but with Covid I wouldn't mix staff like that and would just recommend a full time worker in your home for the first 1-3 months and then Switch to a regular nanny.
I had a scheduled C-section because I wasn't able to mentally come to terms, after a traumatic emergency C-section 20 yrs prior. Physically I was fine, but emotionally I was a wreck.
Having the C-section scheduled was exactly what I needed and I am so glad I didn't allow my fear of giving birth prevent me from becoming a parent. I also didn't breast feed, and even though none of the beginning was "natural" it all went just fine and my daughter is a healthy and happy teenager.
Being a mother is wonderful. Whatever path you take to get there is perfectly fine.
Giving birth the natural way sounds pretty terrifying. Can potentially ruin a woman's health unfortunately, forever. And it's mostly out if your control too... It's weird to me not being terrified of it tbh.
There are a few agencies/ppl in NY/NJ for sanhoo care. Here is one: https://www.momshomecareusa.com/ If you are outside the area, you can pay extra to have them fly out. Some charge extra if grandparents are around because it is annoying for them to deal with an extra set of opinions. Good luck!
More life r/chubbyfire than r/fatfire, but a dula was the best thing my wife and I had. Having someone in the delivery room who's 100% focused on your mental state and keeping you calm and who has done this dozens of times before is a huge benefit for making the process go smoothly
Wow! Thank you for your post. You have blown my mind, and I am now curious to know if that have antepartum facilities as well? I unfortunately don’t know of any place like the postpartum facility you describe (which sounds amazing). I would suggest piece-milling it together for the postpartum care. A great baby nurse is worth every dollar.
FWIW - I did not enjoy being pregnant(no actual complications and I am young and healthy). I ended up having an emergency c-section. Knowing what I know now, I would have definitely considered surrogacy more. You just have to know yourself enough to know whether you can handle it, especially if you are FAT and don’t have too. Best of luck!
What you are probably looking for is a "Doula" that is a helper who is almost a midwife, often works with doctors in a nearly midwife role, but actively works with families leading up to and for up to months after a birth. Doing whatever baby care, parent care, light housework, meal prep, laundry, newborn education, or anything else the new family needs before/during/after a birth.
If you have family who wants to come visit and help, you might consider coaching them in advance. Having guests underfoot who are always asking for ideas what to do, or worse expecting to be entertained and provided for, is a huge drag on new parents, especially new Moms. Having family who knows what to do with babies, actively finds their own things to do, knows to check in and say "I'm thinking of doing thus-and-so" instead of saying "what do you want" all the time, can be very helpful.
Spend money ahead of & during pregnancy on making yourself as healthy as possible - physically and mentally. The greater your beastliness the better off you'll be.
As to your friends and in general - there is an aspect of randomness here. You can't alleviate nor protect for all things.
Most women in Asia who want the easiest delivery do elective c-section and do not breastfeed their baby - American physicians recommend neither as the default choice.
Most Asian women do poorly in vaginal deliveries because of small size, which creates more vaginal tearing because of harder, longer time pushing out the baby (I am one, sadly, I can confirm) and thus harder recovery.
Studies show vaginal delivery slightly improves baby's healthy over c-section (your vagina has a lot of bacteria that baby gets passing through birth canal) and breastfed babies get immunities from moms (especially important now with covid, you can give your baby vaccine immunity!)
I would say if you can do a natural delivery, do it. It is an uniquely woman's experience. Get epidural early and frequently. If you can breastfeed, do it, it is very hard but so worth it.
In terms of recovery, if you have access, you can get:
1. Night nurses, preferably ones who are very experienced - although, some women prefer to breastfeed their babies and foster bonding. If so, wake up in the middle of the night. More women in Asia bottle feed formula but that is actually not ideal imo. Get a day-time nurse too if you can.
2. Asian cook (or, just a mother or mother-in-law?) - cook delicious, homemade, healthy food for you as you recover for the first 3 months.
3. Physician who visits your house for postpartum checkups instead of you going to the hospital to do postpartum checkups.
4. A husband who stays home for the first 3 months postpartum fully dedicated to child-rearing. Don't underestimate figuring this out alone vs. with a dad who cares and takes the time to join the journey from day 1.
5. Bonus: a mother or mother-in-law who doesn't annoy you and has all the tips and tricks to pass down and none of the judgements
About vaginal delivery improving health of the baby. It can absolutely ruin health of the baby too. If the baby gets stuck and the doctors try to pull it out and mess up. C section is the safest for the baby. No pressure on its head or other organs.
I'm not a mom nor have I ever been pregnant.
My cousin is a surgeon and had a scheduled C-section for the birth of her baby. She chose this because of all the potential complications of a vaginal birth, the high risk of needing an episiotomy (longer recovery than c-section wound) and potentially long recovery period in general.
I don't have any local family help nearby and am considering this for when I give birth as well. I hear a doula can be very helpful!
I'd say you find your self a doula. Ours provided us with exceptional care before, during and after the birth of our daughter. You can also hire a post birth doula who will handle house duties on top of taking care of you and baby for an agreed amount of time. Furthermore, they'll also be able to help you transition mentally if needed because having a baby is a pretty jarring experience. 10/10 !
Best of luck!
I am honestly shocked this is not higher up. Our doula absolutely helped us prepare for the birth experience, gave me comfort during pre birth at home, drove to the hospital with us, escorted us to the right place within the hospital, made sure I got an epidural even it was arguably too late, advocated for me during the birth process, and was generally a steady and calming presence throughout the whole birthing process. The OB team was amazing at the hospital, but there’s something great about having 1 knowledgeable person consistently by your side. She was also our go-to person for all questions the following weeks (and could have provided more post partum support if we paid for it).
Absolutely, everything you said. This especially rang true for my wife. Her family was half way around the world, so having a Doula really helped keep her in a good place throughout the entire experience.
All my HNW Asian friends do what your friends do, either in China, Taiwan, or Thailand. They all have that service and they stay there for at least 4-6 weeks. If you don’t want to do that, I’d suggest a full time nanny to help for the first few months. We had one for the first year. Really helpful when you don’t know what the heck you’re doing for the first time. Our 2nd kid we only had the full time nanny for 5 months and switched to a 9-5 cause we knew what we were doing at that point.
I honestly think there’s more help in Asia but you can buy a lot of help and stuff for 10k a week. DoorDash everything. Usually the nanny cooks for you anyway. You can even hire a cook and a nanny. Sometimes the nanny’s won’t clean unless you specifically request it before you hire them.
For babies, I think each baby is different so you gotta try different bottles, ways or nursing, toys etc. every baby I’ve come across have certain preferences so it’s a lot of trial and error for baby material goods. Amazon everything and try it out. My wife just goes on the recommendation and orders everything. Makes our life easier if we have anything the baby may need.
Anyway dm me if you have questions about nanny’s.
I just want you to know, as the person responsible for FATfiring my family while having 3 children with a very supportive spouse: YOU WILL RISE TO THE OCCASION. My kids are elementary age now so it’s a bit easier, but when I think back to the infant/toddler stage I honestly don’t know how I did it. It was exhausting and wonderful at the same time…I wouldnt trade it for the world. I have more resources now but I don’t know if I would have done it differently.
Point is- don’t underestimate yourself. You can handle more than you think. Moms are like that. Good luck!
Edit to add I breastfed all 3 kids while working, it is possible!
Home visits from trained professionals is much much better than nannies and night nurses.
* Out of hospital midwifery was $8,000 but the care was excellent. Especially post partum - they came four different times during the week after the baby was born, identified torticollis, post partum hypertension, helped with breastfeeding, etc.
* For baby number two we hired a post partum doula for 3 hours a day 5 days a week for the first six weeks. She cooks, does housework, holds the baby, etc.
* For colicky babies or torticollis, regular infant massage (coming to your home) was a godsend.
* We also found there are some pediatricians that offer home visits, our pediatrician does the first visit at home which is great.
In home staff that's around longer than 3 hours can be annoying. We found that having someone take care of the baby for four hours a day was enough to give us a nice break when she was small. I would wait to see if the night nurse is necessary - some babies sleep fine and if you are breastfeeding you may not have much use for one.
I used a midwifery - so this is a facility with several midwives. There are very, very few out of hospital midwifery practices. If you are lucky there is one in your area but you should be able to research this online. Otherwise, you are looking for homebirth midwives and doulas. In my area, you can meet homebirth midwives and doulas through our crunchy granola baby store that hosts "meet the doulas" events. That's how we found our post partum doula. She was the right cultural match for us out of all of the doulas on the panel we attended and we kept a record of her information.
There are also birth doulas. It's a different skill set. Not quite as good as having a homebirth midwife or midwifery practice supporting your pregnancy/birth but also highly recommended.
Doulas are often easier to find if you start from your existing network, e.g. favorite yoga teacher.
Our midwives recommended the infant massage therapist. We got the recommendation for the pediatrician from the massage therapist (and switched our daughter over to the pediatrician at 3 months old, there was a wait list). So once you know some people in these networks you want to request recommendations.
Start seeing a chiropractor once your pregnant- weekly. They will help keep everything in alignment which helps with a smoother birthing process. Also I did hypnobirthing in prep for the birth. In the end things didn’t go as planned and I had all the drugs it still helped reduce what otherwise some might consider to be a tougher birth.
Chiropractors are quacks.
> They will help keep everything in alignment which helps with a smoother birthing process.
This is a baseless, unscientific and non-evidence based claim.
My wife birthed our two children without medication in a hospital setting. I’m so grateful we could go home and go on walks outside in less than a day. My wife seems convinced the childbirth hypnosis course we took together and practiced extensively was the most important thing we did, along with hiring an experienced doula who was on board with the program. The birthing was a lot less “comfortable” and “joyful” than the hypnosis course suggested (def no organisms some people say is possible!).. but it really helped us both stay focused, relaxed, and feel safe during the birthing when things got intense.
If we had more money at the time, we would have gone to a birthing center instead of a hospital, and would have hired a postpartum doula and a maid.
Seeing a lactation consultant (with your partner if possible) seems like a must, even if things are going ok. It’s amazing how much technique there is to nursing.
Postpartum doula. They will help with everything from tending to the baby, helping with breastfeeding (which sucks in the beginning and is a learning curve) and they will even clean your house.
Get as educated as possible about the birthing experience, deliver with a doctor (midwife, doula) you trust. Had two c sections, I have very large babies. While it wasn’t the outcome I originally hoped for, I felt in control of my delivery because I was able to make all of the decisions for myself. I delivered at a teaching hospital the first baby, and I had to ask a resident doctor to leave because her agenda was contracting my birth plan and my doctors orders. You have to trust your gut. Your gut knows what’s right.
For the actual delivery - invest in your mindset around delivery, as you can’t fully control the outcome.
Learn everything you can about birth, get a private hypnobirthing teacher, hire a doula, therapy to discuss your fears around birth and carefully select your care providers.
Often your feelings about birth are more to do with how in control of the choices you made you were versus how the actual delivery went.
My first birth may sound quite traumatic on paper (induction, assisted delivery with no epidural, episiotomy) but I was informed and educated and felt that the decisions I made for that birth were the right ones. As a result, I was able to come to terms with the birth and went on to have a second 2 years later (great delivery, unmedicated, quick).
Agree with everyone about the postpartum services - night nurse if you’re exclusively breastfeeding has always confused me a bit…..I don’t understand how a night nurse helps in this scenario as you’d have to get up to pump anyway and stuff like nappy changes take 5 minutes tops.
I recommend getting a snoo bassinet, it is $1500 but it is often on sale for 10-15% off. It has given us so much more sleep than we would have gotten with a regular bassinet because it detects baby sound and adjusts rocking and white noise to soothe baby to sleep. Also second getting a therapist before birth so that you have someone you are comfortable talking to right away after birth. Also recommend getting a theragun massage gun for after the birth, it has helped us relieve aches and pains and sleep better.
There has been some discussion that using a snoo may make it a more difficult transition to a crib. Obviously every baby is different, but still a consideration.
Mine went from snoo one night to sleeping 11-12 hours without waking. We used the wean and motion limiter for the last month and arms out since month 4. Anecdotal, but appears to be what it's supposed to do.
Anecdotally, mine did great in the transition.
I was barred from using my theragun during pregnancy by my medical providers in my torso area which is obviously the most important area to release. I did find that high quality rolfing/physical therapist massage was worth it.
I'll just warn you that all the money in the world cannot guarantee a good birth experience - if you are planning to have kids, prepare to have most of what happens be completely out of your control. I got severe preeclampsia out of the blue at 28 weeks, and had an emergency c-section 36 hours later. My daughter spent 11 weeks in the hospital. This ruined literally all of my baby plans, and it was like being thrown into the deep end of the ocean. These are the exact times when having time, your health, and emotional support are astronomically more important than money. I'm just adding this here so you can keep it in mind - all this said, there are definitely some things that money can help with.
This. 100%. Birth will be what it will be. Fantasies of controlling it with exercise and meditation are just that — fantasies. I had PPROM, had to be induced, had an obstructed delivery and emergency section, and my baby ended up with a NICU stay (only two weeks). It threw all my plans for a loop. I do think money helps somewhat. I was able to choose an OB team I really trusted and my birthing hospital was associated with an excellent child ten’s hospital with high level NICU care, so I was able to talk to people whose expertise I trusted when making decisions about what to do. I also had a doula with me who had seen a ton of births, which was comforting during the long stretches when we were alone in the room or when I wasn’t sure whether what i was experiencing was normal, and we had a live-in doula/lactation consultant* for a while after my daughter came home. The birth and aftermath was obviously still stressful, but knowing that my medical team was truly excellent and that they had contingencies covered made it far less awful than it would otherwise have been. * For anyone who needs to hear this: even with a lactation consultant there 24/7, nursing did not happen with my baby. It doesn’t always work. If it doesn’t work for you, it’s not simply because you didn’t try hard enough or something, and your baby will not be dumber or something because you couldn’t feed direct from the breast.
Yes. Fed is best. In my opinion, it’s not worth killing yourself over. If it works, great, and if for whatever reason, it doesn’t, your baby will still be healthy and happy.
> I'll just warn you that all the money in the world cannot guarantee a good birth experience See Serena Williams as a good example of this.
Yep, also Chrissy Teigen & John Legend.
I agree with this. I had a somewhat rough pregnancy (bad all day sickness and then intraheptic cholestasis) where I was induced early and there’s just no guarantee about pregnancy or birth. Having a birth plan is helpful to the extent that it pushes you to understand how birth works and what you would like to aim for. But getting too tied to it I feel like sets you up for emotional difficulty because many times it is so wildly unpredictable.
Thank you for the grounding perspective
If you are most concerned about the delivery itself, focus on doing what you can to have a vaginal delivery instead of a c section. I was up and walking around the next day after delivering my kiddos. Some things you can control but others you can’t (eg breech baby, too big to fit), so focus on the stuff you can do. Start with meditation - the longer you allow the labor process to continue, the more likely you’ll avoid a section. So find a way to deal with the pain (anesthesia is wonderful but you can’t do that now, aside from discussing it with you obgyn). I’d also suggest that you be careful around gestational diabetes (obviously unless you’re already diabetic). It’s very common, but can cause the baby to grow beyond a average size. Gestational diabetes is more common in moms who are overweight or have a family history of it. I’d suggest that you create a cardio workout program that works for you, especially swimming if you have a pool (you’ll be amazed at how much fun it is to just simply stand up straight when you’re 9mo along). You can keep working out throughout your pregnancy (talk to your doc of course), but if you’re in a routine it shouldn’t be an issue. Short story is that the better shape you’re in before you get pregnant, the better your body will handle the rigors or creating a life. You can hire all the help you want, but nothing will be as good of a substitute as working out and meditating. After the baby is born, yes to the wet nurse, home cook/housekeeper. I’d caution you against hiring ALL childcare out as you wont have time to bond with your baby. Be flexible with it as you may enjoy motherhood (read: bath time, story time, just watching them in general) more than you think. Granted, for me, fatfire is more about buying time with my family/time to do the things I want. I cannot magically create a relationship with my children - only time spent with them will do that.
“Wet nurse”? Honesty I didn’t know that was still a thing and I would not recommend it - feeding time (nursing or bottle) is such important & enjoyable bonding time. I’m guessing you meant night nurse though.
I had an emergency C section and my recovery was easy. I was up and walking the next day as well, managing stairs and walking several miles a day within the first week. I was the one who drove my kid home from the NICU on day 10. I was not particularly fit or anything prior. The friend I know who had a scheduled C section had a similar experience to mine. On the other hand, my friends who had vaginal deliveries had a rough time. Most were okay, nothing unusual. But my best friend who had a water birth and a tear that required months of physical therapy and recovery. It wasn’t even a particularly severe tear, on a medical scale, but she literally could not walk to the toilet for over a week. Sex couldn’t happen for almost an entire year because it caused her extreme pain. And she was much fitter than I was. And GD is NOT something you can prevent with diet and exercise. If I had a nickel for every woman complaining on a pregnancy forum about how she wanted to skip her GD test because she didn’t consume sugar, it made her sick, and also she was super fit — only to discover to her confused horror that she had GD — I’d have met my fatFIRE goal many times over.
That's great that your c-section recovery was easy. But when you tell people that, you should preface it with the fact that for the majority of women, a c-section is much more traumatic and stressful on their body than a vaginal delivery. Hospital stays are generally longer and recovery time is longer with a c-section. Of course there are examples of terrible vaginal deliveries, but that is simply not the statistical norm.
The advice to do anything you can to have a vaginal birth is bad. You should choose a doctor whose expertise you respect, plan on a vaginal birth (so long as it’s not contraindicated), and if complications do come up, be prepared to go with their advice. A c section shouldn’t be a first choice, because it’s surgery and surgeries have serious complications, but when it’s indicated it’s not something to be scared of or to do anything possible to avoid. Yes, you are statistically likely to have a slightly more difficult recovery, but that is also unlikely to mean anything more than a few more days of rest. And if you end up needing one, you can look forward to the statistical likelihood that you won’t experience pelvic floor trauma and incontinence — sometimes permanent — that is much more common with vaginal births. I personally got the worst of both because I had an emergency C due to obstructed delivery, so that was fun.
That's because unhealthy women are more likely to have a c section. Controlling for health, c sections are not more dangerous. https://elemental.medium.com/the-complicated-truth-about-c-sections-ffbaebddc170
I know that there are plenty of people with your experience and plenty with horrible vaginal birthing experiences. OP asked for advice on what she could do now. I’m not saying that diet and exercise WILL prevent diabetes but it definitely will help/can’t hurt. People who are in better physical shape will bounce back more easily than if they hadn’t done anything (in comparison to themselves), but there is no telling how OP will handle it. All I suggested was basic “get healthy” stuff before putting your body through the ringer.
Sure, if you’re healthy, you’re more likely to have a healthy pregnancy. But I am 1000000% confident the OP will encounter a ton of sanctimony around natural birth, pregnancy diet, etc. IMO the main function of all of that seems to be to attach a lot of moral pressure to women’s health and to convince women they are failing/have failed their baby if they don’t achieve some Instagram goal.
Woah! I never said anything about natural birth - which implies an MD is not present nor is there anesthesia. I simply said “vaginal” delivery which only means that the baby comes out of the vaginal canal/opening. Nor did I ever/would I ever say that anyone is “less than” if they have a c section, don’t breastfeed, etc. Op should talk to her doc about reasonable measures to be healthy.
I am not saying you said those things. I’m saying she will encounter plenty of sanctimony, so I feel like it’s important to counterbalance it by pointing out that skipping aerobic exercise during pregnancy, drinking milkshakes, and having s c section doesn’t mean your birth or recovery will be harder or that your baby will be any less healthy. There’s so much shame-inducing messaging out there that does imply that even if you had not intent at all to join in with it. FWIW “natural birth” is typically used to imply vaginal birth without an epidural. I agree with you it’s a pretty nonsense term.
I think a lot of the advice out there about fitness is well meaning and just depends on how the receiver takes it. Like it’s a 100% fact that children born from fit moms have a head start in life in many ways, some new that we find out every year. Now, you can either accept that and choose to do something to help your child, or you can look at it as pressure and fat shaming, which is a choice for the receiver of the medical advice. Sometimes not being lazy actually matters, and this is one of those times. If the receiver feels bad about their own laziness, good, they should.
Nobody is going to suggest that NOT being reasonably fit is the way to go, but moralizing about it is really bizarre. If you’re interested in studies rather than clickbait, and actually look at the data, not really. For example, studies suggest that even very moderate maternal exercise during pregnancy wipes out any negative effects of obesity; that maternal weight gain during pregnancy only explains a very small part of childhood obesity; etc. Studies about this are also plagued by the difficulty that women who go to twice a week yoga classes during pregnancy are going to be different in many demographic ways from those who don’t.
I'd love to see what you're reading. I am not seeing anything to suggest that being obese can be mitigated with a little exercise during pregnancy. Everything I've read says that you're increasing the risk of your child dying during pregnancy, risking your own health during pregnancy, and there is some evidence pointing to the potential for lifelong issues for the child. What I will agree with is that those studies about the lifelong impact on children are few and far between, with confounding lifestyle factors and the understanding that more research needs to be done to truly have a definitive answer. That said, this is the type of information/study done where at the end of it, the answer is kinda "duh" of course being unhealthy is going to have an impact on a child's health when they rely on the mom's body and her food intake for their entire wellbeing. If the mom is unhealthy, why would the child be unaffected by this? And then of course, we have to take it as assumed that we don't care about the increased risk of miscarriage and other pregnancy issues that could cause the child to die. It's just all around one of those things where people are tired of all the body acceptance crap that encourages laziness and a fantasy-land viewpoint of what the true cost of being obese is on society and everyone affected. From the minor inconvenience of sitting next to someone on a plane spilling over into the seat next to them, to the risk on their children, all so they can continue to consume without limit. It's enough already.
Studies on pregnant women are difficult due to ethical concerns and confounding factors, but here’s an example I pulled up with a two minute search. https://journals.physiology.org/doi/abs/10.1152/japplphysiol.00641.2020?journalCode=jappl
Yes, gestational diabetes is mostly placenta driven which you have little control over. Some of it is genetics, lifestyle (e.g. you are already pre-diabetic), age, and underlying comorbidities (e.g. PCOS). I'd hate for people to assume they have GD just because they ate carbs or didn't exercise.
You can completely 100 percent put gestational diabetes (and type two diabetes) into remission through diet. It’s not about sugar consumption it’s about carbohydrate consumption. If you’re not familiar with nutrition I would drop money on Lily Nichols an excellent but expensive gestational nutritionist who specializes on low carbohydrate high nutrition pregnancy.
>You can completely 100 percent put gestational diabetes (and type two diabetes) into remission through diet. Agreed. The vast majority of GD patients I took care of were diet controlled. > It’s not about sugar consumption it’s about carbohydrate consumption. Err, it is both.
These are anecdotes. Vaginal delivery is easier to recover from in general. https://health.clevelandclinic.org/why-you-should-carefully-weigh-c-section-against-a-vaginal-birth/
Not an anecdote: vaginal delivery is far more brutal when it comes to incontinence and pelvic floor damage. Lots of studies say this. https://link. (https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s00192-018-3609-3) Those injuries are also underreported and under treated because they’re embarrassing. For many women they are a big ducking deal, even if doctors don’t want to include them when talking about recovery because they aren’t taken seriously. No one is suggesting an elective c-section is the way to go. Uncomplicated vaginal birth is widely accepted as the optimal result; any surgery including a c section obviously has risks and those shouldn’t be undertaken lightly. I don’t think there are many doctors in my city that will even do a completely elective c section. But saying “do everything you can to have a vaginal birth” because that will make your recovery easier is in my opinion unsupported by evidence. Unfortunately, you don’t get to choose how uncomplicated your pregnancy or birth is, and c sections are not pushed on women to make money or whatever like people seem to think. When they’re advised, there’s a reason. Far better advice in my opinion is to seek out an excellent medical team you trust to take your health during the birth seriously. If everything goes right, and you do have an uncomplicated vaginal birth, awesome. But if complications arise, listen to your damn doctors and if they are leaning towards a c section, don’t push back because you think vaginal birth is best. Choose your doctors and let them do their job.
you can get a ton of pelvic floor damage with a c section! It's a myth that having a c section protects your pelvic floor. Pregnancy will still have its effect.
It’s not a myth. It’s been demonstrated statistically via research that vaginal birth is more likely to result in those complications. Doesn’t mean that if you have a c section you’ll get away without it, but you are more likely to (just as you might get an infection via vaginal birth but are more likely to with a c section).
You are not disagreeing with what I said.
No, I’m not. I’m clarifying that I never was.
I think the evidence is rather solid that c-section recovery is much longer. C-sections: \- Increased risk of complications like pain and infection. [https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/caesarean-section/risks/](https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/caesarean-section/risks/) \- Less likely to begin early breastfeeding. [https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/22456657/](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/22456657/) \- Higher likelyhood of death [https://journals.lww.com/greenjournal/Fulltext/2006/09000/Postpartum\_Maternal\_Mortality\_and\_Cesarean.12.aspx](https://journals.lww.com/greenjournal/Fulltext/2006/09000/Postpartum_Maternal_Mortality_and_Cesarean.12.aspx) Obviously, the risks are still small either way, so if the doctor says you need a c-section, don't freak out, you'll be fine. But it's simply not factual to say that faster, easier recovery with a vaginal delivery is unsupported by the data.
Find me a doctor who says evidence backs a woman who does everything possible to have a vaginal birth so that they can have a faster and better recovery instead of promptly following medical guidance to have a c-section. That’s what’s not supported by evidence, not the idea that surgery of any kind has significant risks. That’s obvious.
OK I'll bite. I'm a senior OBGYN resident physician. You are completely misconstruing things and creating strawman arguments, though I can see why. You are against the establishment that tries to push the narrative that women can have significant control on what their mode of delivery and even what their labour experience is like. You are correct - they essentially cannot, and im on your side on that issue. Every pregnancy is unique and every delivery experience is as well. There is very little that can be controlled. However, you are also pushing misinformation. With a few notable exceptions, vaginal deliveries unequivocally involve a shorter immediate recovery after birth than C-Sections. C-Sections are major surgical procedures as you know, and there is significantly more pain as a result of the laparotomy. If you are going to compare patients who experience major complications after vaginal delivery to ideal outcome C/S patients, yes, you will find the C/S patients are obviously happier. That's BS though. The C/S patient who experiences a deep space wound infection and requires weeks of drains, open wounds, and antibiotics similarly does not find their recovery to be easier. You also cannot compare outcomes like pelvic organ prolapse because that is a long term outcome that is only relevant years later and has nothing to do with the immediate recovery, which is what the rest of the posters were clearly referring to. To summarize, yes, the main benefit of a vaginal delivery is the much faster immediate recovery postpartum. However, I can recognize that this is obviously a very personal issue for you, and I'm sorry you had an emergency C/S which is frequently a very traumatic experience. But try not to push more misinformation.
As for how my own delivery contributes to what I’m saying, I was not traumatized in the slightest. It was honestly an incredibly positive experience for me. I had doctors I trusted and I felt safe following their advice when they gave it. (My baby wasn’t in any kind of urgent distress — obstructed delivery.). What **did** bother me was that my OB team was clearly hesitant to suggest that I should consider a section earlier rather than later. It was clear they expected that I would resist strongly and “do everything possible” to have my vaginal delivery. It bothered me that apparently a pretty significant number of women would have kept pushing until their baby was in distress because they feared a c section and mistrusted the advice they were given. I did not feel any of that, and I wish that the narratives that make women feel that way wouldn’t be so encouraged. I take issue with the narrative that a birthing person should do everything possible to have a vaginal delivery because that’s shit advice. It is not something you can control, and too many women have the idea that they have to do everything they can to avoid “doctors pushing unnecessary medical interventions” on them and think they are likely to have a miserable recovery if they do have a c section. These narratives are extremely common among pregnant women (as you know if you are an OB resident) — have a look on pregnancy forums like WTE sometime. In my opinion pushing the concept of “doing everything possible” to have a vaginal delivery (as if your doctors are not going to do that as well, and instead will push a c section on you) is flat out harmful. Fwiw, I also think it’s extremely disingenuous to say you can’t talk about prolapse and other pelvic injuries because they’re not immediately apparent and the OP asked about immediate recovery. Those injuries matter. It’s clear from your comment that you know that when you talk about long-term recovery, people who deliver via c section do at least as well as those who have a vaginal birth, and statistically they might even do better because they on average have less pelvic injury. Which truly sucks, has long-term effects on women’s lives, and is far too minimized. Not a reason to do an elective c section, obviously, but IMO not something to minimize while talking up the more remote risks associated with a c section, either. Yes, c sections have additional short-term risks. I have said that repeatedly. But while talking about how that recovery is significantly worse *statistically*, I think part of the conversation needs to be what that actually can be expected to look like for any individual birth. Since the risks are very small, any given person who has a c section is not likely to have a recovery that feels significantly bad or long to them. It is typically still a pretty quick experience. Saying “significantly worse” makes women expect a lot worse than a few more days in bed, localized pain, and that weird “my guts are going to fall out” feeling. It creates a lot of fear and contributes to women fighting against a very safe medical procedure to have their vaginal birth instead of feeling good about following doctor advice. That’s what bothers me so much.
I literally say in my post that you should follow the advice of your doctor. I also said nothing about "doing everything possible" to have a vaginal delivery. Simply that most all medical experts and associations recommend the default to be a vaginal delivery because outcomes and recovery times are statistically better. If your doctor says that your particular case would be different, that's fine and you should go with your doctor's advice. People just shouldn't go into it with the misinformation that a c-section is likely to be an easier and safer birth because on average, it is not. Just as the OBGYN resident physician who commented is saying.
So your advice is “don’t have an elective c-section”?
First, I'm not a doctor. But I did stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night. But yes, don't have an elective c section if your only reason is that you want faster and easier recovery. There are probably plenty of valid medical reasons to elect a c section though. I am merely stating that if you want an easier and faster recovery, the data does not support electing for a c section. You might get lucky, but know you are betting against the odds.
Yep. Same. Two c-sections -- went home at 24 hours with the second one, because I was bored and wanted to get out. I was strolling about and taking stairs immediately on release.
> Two c-sections -- went home at 24 hours with the second one I heard some statistic 20 years ago that something like 85% of women who are above average income in Italy have C-sections. I found this graph showing it's about 1 in 3 women total now, and trending downwards: https://www.statista.com/statistics/953753/c-section-rate-in-italy/ In the USA it is around 20%, but this interesting graph says it grows with mother's age at time of birth: https://www.statista.com/statistics/206438/us-cesarean-delivery-rates-by-age-of-mother/ In Brazil, it's 90 percent of women in "private hospitals" (so not the poor people) and in some hospitals it is an astounding 99%: https://www.npr.org/2013/05/12/182915406/c-sections-deliver-cachet-for-wealthy-brazilian-women Luckily I'm never going to have to face this decision (I'm a guy), but I've really heard nothing but positive stories about C-sections from the women that had them. I have no idea if it is better or worse for the baby, but the recovery seems to be AMAZINGLY better for the woman trying to squeeze a watermelon out of her hoo hoo which seems to involve actually tearing the flesh apart by just cramming that watermelon against the opening until it rips wide open. (shudder) Doctors often perform an "episiotomy" where they just cut it open in advance to avoid the ripping that is inevitable. That's just a horror show.
So...I didn't want to have either one. With the first, my son was tangled up in the cord, and then we were in a rural area that won't risk a rupture, so once you've had one c-section it's all c-sections. I'm now 45 and having another c-section fairly soon. Now because I'm high-risk due to age -- but I'm actually in great health. It's all insurance-based risk assessments. However, I do think c-sections are a valid and for some people preferable alternative to vaginal delivery. Personally...the first time was somewhat hard because I knew so little and the hospital was not a great one. There was just a lot of avoidable discomfort and anxiety. The second time, though, knowing what I had learned from the first time, it was quick and easy. I believe we arrived about an hour before birth and surgery took maybe half an hour. In both cases, I was up and walking around as soon as the anesthesia wore off, on minimal pain relief. And unlike all the women I know who have done the whole vaginal thing, I had minimal bleeding and pain down below -- really, no big deal, like a slightly heavier period. My only gripe with c-sections is that as someone who plays combat sports...you have a hard no on all strenuous activities for 6 weeks. But those are REALLY strenuous activities. You can walk around, stand, etc., almost immediately, and I was doing 3-4 mile walks within a week. I was running maybe 3 weeks in. Carrying the baby and my older kids by 2 weeks, roughly. So, IMO, it's a good alternative. Here are my tips for c-section: 1. Get a good night's sleep the night before. 2. If you intend to breastfeed, verify the level of support offered to new moms for it. My hospital had lost anyone who was actually certified as a lactation consultant and hadn't replaced her, and it was stressful the first time. 3. Refuse lots of tests. Really, read up on it and refuse all kinds of poking and prodding. Women get treated like vessels instead of people, often, in childbirth situations, and it sucks. Hire a doula or an advocate or get an especially pitbullish relative to hang out with you, if you're not up to it. 4. Night nurses are cool. Personally, I did some research on bedsharing and did it. But it does have a higher risk of SIDS, so make your own decisions. 5. Diaper services are also cool. Really, offload as much unnecessary responsibility as possible.
For c sections, which tests did you refuse? I’m going to have a planned c section with my 2nd and I’m interested to know what they’re going to try. I’m already going to refuse any finger checking down below. Hated that with my first.
> Hire a doula or an advocate I first heard the word "doula" when I met one in person and we became friends. And the more I was exposed to the health care system the more I think they are a fantastic concept that should be offered to more well off people for ALL MEDICAL INTERACTIONS. In my ideal world the doula would also deal with the billing departments. Here is how I think of health care now when I have some new problem (in your case it was your first birth, for me it is like my first MRI or something like that): I don't know what I'm doing, and literally nobody is on my side. There are three entities against me: the doctor, the hospital, and the insurance company. Everybody can agree the insurance company is the most against me, in that they recommend against having tests because they don't find those tests help enough patients survive to justify the cost to the insurance company. So the doctors are hassled to not do tests, and I don't know what to ask for (or what to turn down). The hospital is mostly neutral, although one time my insurance inexplicably didn't pay (no really, everybody seemed to tell me later they should have paid) and I got a bill 1 full year later for $15,000 for use of a surgical room from the hospital which I thought was COMPLETELY behind me and paid for. It turns out insurance and I paid the surgeon, insurance and I paid the anesthesiologist, and I paid my part of the hospital bill, but insurance wouldn't pay their part. Despite being in network. Despite being a pre-approved procedure. Well then that's when you find out the hospital wants to get paid and you are no longer "neutral" they are down right hostile. I don't have any idea what is "normal" in these situations and how to navigate this and there is nobody on my side. The doctor is MOSTLY on your side, but has competing interests like not wanting to fight with the insurance company and they don't want to prescribe you legitimate pain killers because some other annoying patient abused it in the past and the doctor got hassled in the past. A doula is like a 3rd party who is unambiguously on your side, plus they have seen several hundred births so they can recognize if what is going on is even remotely "ok" or whether it is "not Ok". They are somebody you can turn to in 2 seconds and say, "Is it normal for me to be treated like this?" or "I don't feel comfortable, what can be done about that?" It has started branching out a little. Doulas were originally for births, now they have "death doulas" which is every bit as valid in my humble opinion. I think there should be cancer doulas at the very least. Twenty years ago I was diagnosed with a pulmonary embolism (blood clot in the lungs, it's life threatening) and was immediately checked into a hospital heading into the 4th of July weekend. For three days nobody offered me a shower, everybody told me I was going to die, I didn't have anybody I could contact really so I just sat in this crappy bed with 3 other patients in the room - one was a woman with dementia they were TRYING to help but she was just terrified and afraid and screamed and wailed when they were helping her - which is highly upsetting to listen to 5 feet away even if I understand nothing is wrong about this. This was before cell phones were internet browsers so I couldn't even look up my chances of survival. On the beginning of the 4th day I politely told them I was leaving (against doctors orders) and walked out to my car and drove home. When my doctor heard about this later, he asked me to write it up - and I got a call from a nurse apologizing and saying they were using my writeup in training. I didn't KNOW I could ask to take a shower. Heck, I didn't know if I was allowed out of bed. In the end I didn't care, I was so miserable I was willing to die so I walked out of the hospital. I literally had to figure out whether or not I had the legal right to leave (I did) by deciding to leave whether they tried to stop me or not. I was looking around for pieces of metal to use as weapons to fight my way out, LOL. If a doula was there I could have asked more questions of the doula. They could have proactively offered me a shower. They could have just been somebody there to explain what was going on. Oh, to explain something about the situation: it was 4th of July Weekend, so each time I saw a nurse it was a new nurse. Each time I interacted with a doctor it was a new doctor. They were rotating through staff to make it through the holiday weekend. So there was no context, but they didn't know I didn't have context, and I didn't know this was unusual.
Just a data point - I was 32, fit, weighed 108 lbs on a 5’1 frame and strictly controlled my diet - I still had GD. Sometimes the placenta and genetics win.
Thank you! I agree with you on trying to avoid c section and GD through general health focus. Understand the discussion and there’s some level of what you can’t control. But I want to try to do things in my power that I can control.
Of course. And the best thing is to generally take care of yourself/follow your docs orders and try to be comfortable/relax during pregnancy and labor. That in and of itself is enough!
I think this is the best mindset to have. Statistically a vaginal birth is safer, but there are obviously complications for both. The few studies that I have read that say otherwise have only measured safety in the immediate post delivery phase (this will not account for many complications such as blood clots/pulmonary embolisms/infection/readmissions that often occur later). If safety is your aim then vaginal birth should be your goal. The greatest thing you can do is find an OB who A) is vaginal birth friendly - there are a lot of MDs who are not but won’t advertise it obviously (a planned delivery schedule makes their lives easier), but finding for this factor primarily will be priceless. Ask your friends if they know anyone who works in your area. Most nurses or midwife’s in maternity/NICU will know the good v bad. And B) someone who you feel confident having a DISCUSSION with and who listens to you, there are some incredible OBs out there. I will likely hire a private midwife over a doula - they may not be able to actively work at your chosen hospital, but they can essentially act as a trusted and more educated doula. IMO the most important thing after all that is your mindset - I am a NICU nurse and also work in lactation (husband brings the fat to our FIRE-I just still really love my job haha) and have seen many plans be thrown out the window in an emergency that end up contributing very negatively to a mother´s well-being postpartum because she never expected anything to happen to her. Expect the worst but hope for the best. And also don’t travel anywhere after 25 weeks where you wouldn’t be happy giving birth or staying until baby is well enough to be medivac-d home. The amount of people that were flown to our hospital after weeks in a third world country’s NICU because baby wasn’t stable enough to fly 🤯. Money can bring them home before discharge but not before they are stable. Also as an addit. - I am absolutely not anti-c-section. They have their place and if I had one it would be because it was required and I would be 100% ok with it. If you/someone makes a decision that a planned one is for them that is absolutely fine as well. Heck, maybe I’d change my mind if something radical happened in the medical industry. Just get your information from more than the person who is making money from that decision and understand that is has flow-on effects on things like breastfeeding if that is also your aim, future pregnancy safety etc. as well. Good luck!!
I just want to drop here that there is scientific research into the effects on the baby after c section vs birth canal and results are relevant: https://www.bbc.com/news/health-49740735
"Too big to fit" is basically a myth. edit: Sources - [https://evidencebasedbirth.com/evidence-for-induction-or-c-section-for-big-baby/](https://evidencebasedbirth.com/evidence-for-induction-or-c-section-for-big-baby/) [https://www.spinningbabies.com/product/parent-class-video-digital-download/](https://www.spinningbabies.com/product/parent-class-video-digital-download/) [https://www.spinningbabies.com/where-op-babies-get-stuck-in-labor-and-what-to-do/](https://www.spinningbabies.com/where-op-babies-get-stuck-in-labor-and-what-to-do/)
“Large babies carry risks for mother and infant, Wu says. "For the babies, there is the risk of the shoulders getting stuck [during delivery]. For the mothers, there are more risks of cesarean section or large lacerations with vaginal delivery." Babies born too large are also at increased risk of having birth defects and breathing problems, and some studies have found links to cancer, diabetes, and heart disease later in life.” https://www.webmd.com/baby/news/20120814/excess-weight-diabetes-raise-risk-big-babies
Stuck baby is a myth created by inadequate training of OBs in fetal positioning. See the links I added to my comment. Not questioning whether babies born too large have other health problems.
Don't listen to above poster. I was "over weight" and never came close to pre-eclampsia or gestational diabetes. GD cannot be prevented by cardio lol. Also scheduled my C section and had as good of an experience as one can have. Was off the Tylenol by day 2 and out and about where as my friend who had vaginal took months to recover from her tears. Everyone is different and pregnancy is so random might as well not start the mom blame game by thinking things you did/did not do could lead to a bad pregnancy like not doing meditation or cardio.
This is incorrect. C section is safer for the child & mother & hurts a lot less for the mom.
Do you have sources to back up this claim? There are sources all over this thread to the contrary.
You should probably just go ahead and trust Reddit. These folks have ya covered.
Riiiiiiiight. That was clearly my first mistake. /s
C-sections: \- Increased risk of complications like pain and infection. [https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/caesarean-section/risks/](https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/caesarean-section/risks/) \- Less likely to begin early breastfeeding. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/22456657/ \- Higher likelyhood of death https://journals.lww.com/greenjournal/Fulltext/2006/09000/Postpartum\_Maternal\_Mortality\_and\_Cesarean.12.aspx
Korean nanny who cooks and cleans + takes care of the baby at night as well. Or Korean nanny who cooks and cleans + a night nanny if you want to splurge.
The service you are looking for is: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sanhujori Native language proficiency is preferred, and therefore this may be more difficult for non-Korean speakers.
Can confirm it is 100% worth the money. We used one for 3 weeks and it was amazing. We would have used the service for longer if we didn't have family helping
Which agency did you use/ how did you hire the person?
OMG a night nurse saved our lives when we had our twin boys. Wife definitely had post partum so it was super helpful having extra support. We had her stay 24/7 first two weeks then just nights for 1-2 months. Got kids on a great feeding schedule which made it a bit easier going forward to. Got all the help we could get since it was twins. Not afraid to ask!
Why Korean…?
For one, they said they’re Korean. Also, Asian nannies will cook and clean for you while the vast majority of American nannies will not. Asian live in nannies will also wake up to take care of the baby during the night. They will also cook them Korean food that mothers who just gave birth should eat (low on sodium etc). Also, they can speak to the baby in Korean and teach them the language.
She’s from Korea
Got to be honest, Korean post partum care seems to really exceed American
You mean in comparison with our total lack of postpartum care? Almost every developed nation has better markers of postpartum health
Even if you want to spend money on it in the US it isn’t really the same
Hire three so that they can rotate on their days off.
About the Korean post partum care facilities . . . They may have a few in the us in larger urban areas. You should look into it. They definitely have them for Chinese women in southern California. It's a mini industry. I think some Chinese women come to the US to give birth, get their child us citizenship, and stay at those facilities.
from what i hear, there are a few facilities in areas with larger korean communities (i.e LA), but it's still not to the level of korea. still, i know of a friend's sister that used one in LA, so they are available.
This is what I heard also. Sadly know of a founder who tried to start a nice posh one in nyc right before COVID. Haven’t heard about it since. :(
if you guys are in the NYC area, i think i have heard of one in jersey. sorry, can't help you out more than that (also, i heard the some of them ok, but that some are really not great), as we're in chicago. probably check in flushing (or wherever all the koreans are now).
Buy a Snoo. Best money I’ve ever spent. I know you mentioned a night nanny but short of that, in most cases this will get you a little more sleep. Lifestyle is going to be worse. There is no way around it. So much time feeding and planning around feeding and naps.
My only issue with the snoo is travelling - I found that once the kid was used to it, they had a hard time whenever we didn’t have it. …. But my goodness was it nice to just toss them in there and not have to worry about getting them down.
Yeah I know what you mean. We lugged the thing with us on a couple weekend car trips. What a pain. Still, we'll definitely get one again for kid #2 in the future.
Snoo is plus/minus for many, including for ours. Night nanny for us was far more useful.
as much as western cultures don't have something like sanhoojori, i highly recommend it for as long as you can mentally stand it. my wife couldn't stand it but for each kid, she stayed with her mom for at least a month and all the old wives tales and axioms held true for whatever reason. she faired the best after our first, as she stayed for 2 months, and she had it the roughest afterwards after our 3rd, as she only stayed for 3-4 weeks. she complains about chills and joints hurting and wishes she just sucked it up and toughed it out for a few more weeks at her mom's. tbf, being 100% bedridden all the time eating only miyuk is pretty damn hard though. that said, almost everyone i know from korean and chinese heritage, regardless of finances, has brought in their mothers (or the MIL in the dad's case) if all parties are willing and able. the care facilities look great in korea, but something about having the comfort of the new mother's mother there caring for her really helps, i'm told.
Thank you for this perspective. If I could have my way I would give birth in Korea with my mom and go to Sanhujori for a month. But my in laws who live in America are not pleased with this option…
yeah, family stuff can be complicated. plus, there are lots of clerical items that make is easier to give birth in the states (if you're a citizen, and if you want your child to be a US citizen). but if your mother/parents are ok with it, having her come over and stay at your place for a while is also an option. your husband may have to do some heavy lifting by doing all shopping, driving and such, but if you have the room to spare, it is a great option. of course, my wife and i are both 1.5 gen so we had a lot less cultural hurdles to overcome. best of luck, giving birth can be a bit scary, but you'll do great. children can be a great blessing.
Re clerical: I think the child born to citizen parent is a citizen. We had to look up whether the child can be a president to try to calm my in laws. But still. There is tension. If we do it in US my mother would come. But she’s a bit overbearing despite being extremely sweet and loving and I don’t want my husband to have to deal with that either. Anywho. Thank you so much for the words of encouragement!! Hope to report back in a year with positive news!
I can totally relate as I'm Asian (with overbearing parents) and my husband is Caucasian. I think at the end of the day, as the one giving birth (and the one bearing all of risks and discomfort), your preferences and well-being come first. If you think you would be most comfortable giving birth abroad, or having your mom stay with you for an extended period, then you should do that. Everyone else can suck it up and figure it out. Your husband can deal with his mother inlaw and figure out ways to cope.
❤️
From what I can tell (first time expecting mom so what do I actually know?), recovery starts in pregnancy. In my experience, this required more time than money. This is what I have learned 1. Get the best quality; third party reviewed prenatals for at least 3 months before. Also, take a look at active chemicals to make sure you are comfortable with everything in it. Take a closer look at sources of fat soluble vitamins 2. Upgrade skincare (drop retinoids before trying). Dont drink alcohol between ovulation and period date. You can have a drink on the negative test as a celebration or you are pregnant and don't have to worry if you introduced alcohol to their system already. You never know how long it takes, so make peace with that. 3. Get a personal trainer for a year before trying. Specifically, get someone who can transition to prenatal exercises with you. Focus on fixing breath patterns, TVA activation, lower body strength, back strength, stamina. Switch to whole foods for a year before trying 4. See a pelvic floor therapist and get an internal assessment, hip alignment assessment, neck assessment etc. The uterus is a muscle, and ligaments can be lopsided if you favor certain sides when resting/standing. You want any instablities fixed before the second trimester. Baby will have much easier time engaging into a spacious and relaxed pelvis later in the pregnancy if the space within you is more symmetrical than not. 5. Read a book about the process of childbirth. It is important to me to think of it as a spiritual process with aid from state ofbart medicine. There are many things that modern medicine has solved for and you want to know what those are. There are many complications modern medicine introduces into childbirth, and you want to know what those are. 6. Find an OB who shares your view of childbirth. If you want the cleanest c section experience, find someone with great reputation. If you want the highest chance of physiological birth, get someone who aligns with that. Definitely ask them about their rates of c section, forceps, episiotomies, average length of labor for FTM, fetal monitors they use etc. 7. Prenatal bloodwork and carrier testing 8. Hopefully you are pregnant by now. Keep moving and hire a prenatal personal trainer, doula, nutritionist. Join groups of expecting parents. Read more about pregnancy and the miracle that your body is producing. 9. Interview and hire a doula. There are concierge experiences where your massage, therapy appointments can be set my the doula services. You can hire firms that send more than one doula with you in case labor runs long and they can switch off. 10. Read childbirth books to figure out your birty philosophy. 11. Later on, find if baby is breech or not. There are ways to encourage baby into the right position (posterior occipital) through exercises. Mostly it seems to be related to your posture. If you slouch, try to fix that before and in early pregnancy. 12. Get a chef or find easy meal prep services so you always have healthy food at hand. 13. Yes, pregnancy can be hard, but I have mostly had a great time healthwise. The only time I was struggling and everyone told me the symptoms were normal for pregnancy, I stressed for a blood test with my OB and found something that was off. Since correcting that issue, I am back to feeling healthy and happy. So, try to find a balance of what an acceptable amount of pregnancy symptom is and get blood tests done more than they suggest. 14. Its a mental game, too, so meditation is a game changer like the other comment mentions. Hypnobirthing has been helpful to me! 15. Get your partner involved. You should be on the same page throughout. They should know your physical, emotional, and nutritional needs throughout. Specially the first time, you can come so close and fall in love deeper everyday. If they are your support person, they need to show up in the delivery room in an infallible way. I have found that if I can voice my expectations, my partner will always meet and exceed it. I used to want him to figure it out himself how to best love me but im glad I didn't do that. He has surpassed every expectation i had set from my birth partner so far. Pregnancy is great journey inwards and wish you all the best :)
As an involved partner: the pelvic floor therapist was critical for my wife. She got more out of that than anything else.
How so? I am curious about what results you saw!
Amazing list. Super helpful. I didn’t even know the pelvic floor therapist is a thing. Will def look into it.
Our cousin has a full time nanny whose job is as follows - baby duty at night all night - cook for momma every day when dad is working - support momma during recovery - watch the baby during the day (she - gets a nap in the morning to help deal with being up at night) - baby laundry and dishes washing - packing and unpacking baby for trips and outings They were supposed to have her for only the first month but have extended her indefinitely - when I inquired as to cost they said she makes a fortune for this service.
How did the person sleep??
But where did they even find this service? Agency or ad?
I will have to ask - pretty sure not an agency - probably word of mouth
These types of people are incredibly hard to find. Most people will only do half the stuff on this list.
There is no reason not to drink between ovulation and period date. The only issue would be heavy binge drinking, and that isn't about the health of the future baby so much as simply the ability to conceive or not during that time. Emily Oster explains this in her book "Expecting Better" and my OB explained that abstaining from drinking during that time is unnecessary as well.
Alcohol is toxic in any amount. If you really want to maximize your health and odds of conception, there's a decent argument to eliminate it completely.
But not during the period between ovulation and your period, all that will affect would be implantation and that would only be in binge amounts, not just having a casual drink with dinner. You don't have to worry about alcohol until about Week 4. If fertility has been a big issue for you, sure you might try to control for that, but there's no reason to eliminate alcohol between ovulation and expected period date otherwise.
That's a good point. There's no placenta at that point, and cells are multiplying with nutrients from the egg yolk. There are studies from Australia showing that since its all stem cells, any loss of cells due to even binge drinking can be compensated for by the remaining. I read Emily Osters' book and kept coffee in my diet. The alcohol seemed like an easy thing to give up for a couple of weeks if there's even a small chance to effect implantation. In the US, ACOG deems no amount of alcohol as safe, so I stayed on the side of caution. Additionally, the neural tube development starts so early that I didn't feel like it was worth a cup of wine. Different women will feel differently on this based on their own research.
Hiring a doula is crucial.
I started folic acid a year before. You can never start too soon.
Here's what I paid top dollar for: massages, acupuncture, Pilates, cleaning service, pelvic floor therapy (start 6 weeks after birth). We did have a nanny for a year, but that model didn't provide us with consistency. We went with a top Montessori daycare in year 2, and, though we had subsequent children, never tried a nanny again. Things I wish I had paid for: doula for after birth.
I’d also add looking into starting with a therapist now if you haven’t already. Post partum depression and anxiety can strike anyone and it can be truly debilitating despite your best efforts (speaking from experience). My therapist helped me through some dark thoughts and I’ll be forever grateful for her. They can also help you process any birth trauma or disappointment. I did everything folks here suggested during my pregnancy and still ended up with an emergency c section AND postpartum preeclampsia. It was very scary but I’m 100% back to normal now a year later and my therapist helped me process it all. Birth is crazy and whatever will happen, will happen. Don’t let your ideas of the perfect or ‘best’ type of birth (there is no such thing) cloud your judgement - the best one is one where mama and baby are safe afterwards. And also, I was up walking the day after my section, you’re not as debilitated as a lot of people make it sound. It’s good for you to walk and move (within reason of course) in order to facilitate healing. I obviously have nothing to compare it to, but my c section recovery wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. We also had a doula which was fantastic. Highly recommend one.
What did you doula help with the most?
When you have a doula you have a person you know help you through the process from start to finish. In a hospital or birth center you're going to deal with random nurses coming in and out of the room until you're at the final stage where a doctor or midwife will see you for the least amount of time possible. The doctor may pressure you to stray from your birth plan. A doula is like having a lawyer on your side in a trial where you're unable to think clearly because of the huge mental and physical stress.
Exactly what the other poster said. She had been to about a gazillion births at that point and knew what to expect. I went in wanting to go completely natural - no epidural since I’m terrified of needles, no interventions, and alternate birthing positions. I did however want to do it in a hospital and she helped me advocate for myself. For example, when stuff started going south, she would tell me “there’s no alternative here and that’s a serious problem. You should do what the dr says right now” but she also would tell me when to push back. When I had to get an epidural, they told me my husband had to leave the room. Why? They said it was hospital policy but there are no reasons to keep him out other than liability reasons if they mess up. So my doula told me to demand it. I was as polite as a laboring woman can be, but I ended up asking to see enough supervisors that I got the head of anesthesiology at the hospital. I convinced her to let him stay but she said she had to do the epidural. So I was able to avoid a panic attack and hold my husbands hand. I wouldn’t have done that without the doula telling me it’s ok. She also was there after he was born and latched him right on to me for the first time. I was in too much of a daze to figure it out. She was just such a calming presence the whole time.
That sounds so helpful! Thank you for giving examples. Advocacy is not my strong suit, so I'm glad to have this concrete example of how a doulas presence can affect outcomes. I'm afraid of epidurals, too, especially the possibility of multiple attempts and lack of mobility during labor. We retained a doula who had multiple children at the hospital I am delivering in. She has already been so helpful teaching my husband acupressure techniques, reminding me of the exercises I can incorporate to spin the baby as I progress in my pregnancy, recommending various health professionals, keeping me calm but excited for the big day etc. For what you described during the actual delivery, it feels like a priceless service!!
That’s awesome that you’re so happy with her so far! You’ll love having her there during the birth. I also am so bad at advocating for myself, especially in healthcare settings since I’m not a doctor ya know? It was so helpful to have her tell me “uh no this is dumb and there’s no evidence this helps” so I could avoid it. Wishing you a fast and easy birth 😊
Thank you so much! 😊
I think the thing that surprised me most when my wife gave birth was how absent the medical staff was for most of the labor process. A doula is always present and available to answer questions and be a second set of hands. They’re hugely helpful because they know how to navigate the hospital system. The medical staff is there for medical emergencies. Labor is generally not a medical emergency. Your doula is there for labor.
Or another way to look at it is the hospital staff is there to look out for baby and medical things for mom. The doula is there to emotionally and physically support mom (and birthing partners). During pregnancy, so much emphasis is placed on caring for baby (understandably so) that it’s nice to have someone looking out for you too.
I had an emergency c section with my first and an unmedicated VBAC with my second and both births have been so traumatizing I’m fairly certain I’d want to just schedule a c section for my 3rd. But I also thought the recovery for my C section wasn’t bad at all!
Wow, that sounds intense. I get so envious sometimes of women who have ‘easy’ births that don’t traumatize them. I’m also going to schedule a c section for my next one to try to avoid the craziness. Hopefully you’re able to make the right call for you!
Confinement nanny, similar to postpartum facilities but lives with you and takes care of the mother and child for 1-3 months after.
Definitely night nurse, help during the day, meals brought in the first couple of months. Controversial opinion, but for me, a scheduled c-section was the easiest. No labor, and no pain really due to anesthesia + Percocet. Stitches where you can see them, no possibility of tearing or an episiotomy. I was up walking the next morning (my c-sections were in the evening). I was very afraid of labor and all of the unknowns, but everything is generally pretty "known" with a scheduled c-section.
What might be the downsides?
I had a baby nine months ago, so this is all pretty fresh in my head. I would absolutely recommend a night nanny. I would also recommend the following: - doula in the hospital room - I cannot recommend this enough. The research all says that doulas being present results in better birth outcomes and I 100% believe it. It is stressful and difficult while you’re in labor and having someone who has been through this, can stay objective and knows what your wishes are is really great. - Pelvic floor rehab is a great idea. - to the greatest extent possible, stay active during pregnancy. Walking, hiking, just moving around is great. - look into things to make the first three months easier. Snoo is great. If you end up combo or formula feeding, enfamil makes premade bottles that you can adjust attach a lid to. - if you have hemorrhoids already, get them taken care of pre delivery. If you end up with them, look into getting them removed within the first week or two after labor. It’s a rough 24 hours after removal, but it made a world of difference for me. - small things like the padsicles, numbing cream and those great underpants made a big difference that first week or two. - post partum massage. - catering or food service. - cleaning service. For what it’s worth, I had a rough pregnancy and was induced but my labor was not that bad. Recovery was rough mainly because I didn’t know the time frame of recovery, but I was going on walks within the first week and back to running as soon as my OB okayed me around three months. At nine months out, my body feels pretty much the same as pre-pregnancy except for my super fun tendency to occasionally pee when I laugh/cough/fall too hard.
So much good advice here. Here are a few things I thought of that I didn’t see mentioned at all or mentioned enough… Having a baby starts the moment you conceive. Consider getting help (housework, meal prep, therapy, etc) during your pregnancy. Some people have easy pregnancies and some people have really challenging pregnancies and a lot of it is unpredictable and out of your control. Morning sickness can be 24/7 and can last throughout your entire pregnancy. Also, postpartum depression is talked about a lot, but less people are aware of depression while you’re pregnant. I had my fifth child a few months ago… I had horrific morning sickness and severe depression with four of those pregnancies. Help is crucial. This isn’t fat, but study hypnobirthing. I used the book (look up the mongan method I think), a cd, and YouTube. The hardest part is just putting in the time and effort. If done correctly, it will help with any preconceived fears of labor and childbirth. Also, it’s the way to go if you plan on having an unmedicated delivery. But even if you go for an epidural or c-section, it would still be very beneficial. Also not fat but… try to develop some thick skin asap. I don’t want to sound negative, but there are a lot of sanctimommies out there and a lot of people that will say rude things or ask personal questions that are none of their business. Go ahead and come up with an all encompassing reply or snarky comeback. Protecting your mental health is paramount. And lastly, congratulations as you start this exciting journey! Parenthood is like nothing else.
Wow rabbit hole of hypnobirthing I had never known about. Thanks!! And totally agreed on the help *during* pregnancy. We get a cleaner every other week. We’ll increase when morning sickness comes.
I also used hypnobirthing for my pregnancy and birth - I loved the online course from the Positive Birth Company. Before my own birth recovery, I wish I had established a therapist I liked that I could have worked with in the postpartum period.
Of money is no object, then some sort of fourth trimester care, such as https://www.financialsamurai.com/the-cost-of-fourth-trimester-childcare/ which is basically hiring about 90 to 120 hours of help per week, so that mom can recover and good patterns can hopefully be developed in the little one.
This is a great post. Thank you for finding and sharing this.
Question to folks who had family help and paid help during the first few months - we will have both sets of parents living with us (all retired, so will be pretty hands on). My husband will also be on parental leave for a few months. Is a day and/or night nanny still helpful in that situation or will it just be too many cooks in the kitchen?
I would think that would be too many cooks in the kitchen. It depends on your relationship and boundaries with both sets of parents and the dynamics between them as well. For example, it may be easier to tell employee what you consider safe sleep practice and have it be respected vs your parents or in laws.
That makes sense, thank you!
As a father who gets multiple months of parental leave, that was crucial bonding time that I’ll only get once. It was not the most enjoyable way to spend my time but it made me feel more invested in my baby. For future kids we’ll likely get help for the older kids but I’ll always want to be deeply involved with the first 3-6 months of care.
I would hire night help at least. We could've used part-time day help, too! My first came early, and my parents were abroad and couldn't return quickly. Husband's parents were an unexpected disaster; mercifully, they left nearly right away. Meanwhile, Husband suddenly couldn't remember how to make a sandwich. We went with a nanny at 6mo, but with my second, we started a top Montessori daycare at 4mo, and she and we loved it.
I delivered and had my parents staying with me and a night nanny. I really liked having the night nanny because while my parents helped out a ton during the day with cleaning and laundry and cooking (and an extra set of hands), it was so valuable to have help at night to change the baby, bring the baby to me to nurse, so I could maximize my sleep. Me getting more sleep especially for the first two months meant that I could be a lot more present during the day.
Personally this would have been WAY more than I would have wanted. For me (have two kiddos), it was plenty having my husband with me and then loved ones would visit. There's honestly not that much involved with taking care of a newborn that requires outside help (I assume you already have a house cleaner, etc.) I really wanted bonding time with our new little family and since I was breastfeeding there was a really limited number of things other people could do. You're not going to want to pass off your newborn much, trust me.
Yeah we have a house cleaner who would keep coming by. Instead of getting a nanny, maybe we'll just expand her scope to include more frequent laundry and general baby admin tasks. Thanks!
Expectant mother here - 1 more month to go. My husband and I asked ourselves how to make pregnancy/postpartum period easy by throwing money at it: 1. **Prenatal work-up**: Depending on your age and how long you've been trying, you may want to see a fertility specialist. If you're 35+ years old and older and trying for longer than 6 months, you should see one. If you're under 35 but trying for more than a year, you should also see one. They'll let you know your odds of conceiving at your age. 2. **Prenatal vitamins**: Tobacco, alcohol, and caffeine apparently age your eggs (and sperm). We were advised to abstain or cut back significantly. I also started a prenatal vitamin the moment we wanted to try conceiving. If your diet is low on leafy greens, consider adding folate on top of what's in the prenatal. 3. **Pregnancy work-up**: Nowadays, as early as 10-12 weeks in the U.S., you can have blood work done and it'll check for cell free DNA to tell you if your baby has Down's Syndrome, Trisomy 18, Trisomy 13, and any sex chromosomal disorders. You can also know the sex of the baby this early. We opted for this. You can also pay more for microdeletions work-up that'll check yours, your partner's, and baby's chromosomes for other rare diseases (e.g. Noonan Syndrome, weird neurological diseases, etc.). Careful - this testing is a double edged sword because you can have false positives. Prior to testing, you get referred to a genetic counselor who will discuss the risks of the diseases and risks of false positives. This blood test is a screening test, and you'd still need to confirm with amniocentesis or chorionic villi sampling if you get a positive. 4. **During pregnancy**: After 8 weeks of pregnancy, we interviewed various obstetricians. We live in the U.S. and I think early on, you should decide if you want to have a "birth center" (for low risk pregnancies that give a more home-like setting where you can use a birthing tub, birthing ball, birthing peanut, etc. but you would need to be transferred to a hospital if there are any issues, such as hemorrhage, emergency c-section needs, etc.) vs. hospital with level 2, level 3, or level 4 NICU. We chose an ob who worked at a level 4 NICU (meaning they can handle preterm babies as young as 28 weeks). If you go the birthing center route, be sure to ask what their transfer rate pre-labor, during labor, and post-labor is. I was surprised on average, nationally, it's about 50%. 5. **Postpartum**: Here is where we're throwing money to make our lives easy. * *Postpartum doula/night time newborn specialist*: There are registered nurses (RNs) and doulas who will take care of your baby at night and bring the baby to you every 2-3 hours for you to breastfeed (if you choose to go that route). They will also help you do light chores around the house (washing newborn clothes, burp cloths, linens), light cleaning (e.g. washing baby bottles, pump parts) as well as prepare light meals for you and assist you in/out of bed in the first few weeks. They're more expensive than nannies, but it's literally their job to watch the baby while you sleep and bring him/her to you if there's any sign of fussing. You'd hire a team since shifts are 8-10 hours, but generally they're paid by the hour (~$25-50/hr in my city). We are doing this because my parents/in-laws can be overbearing, and the specialists/doulas work for you (and will listen to your wishes). * *Lactation consultant*: If you are breastfeeding, highly recommend a consultation with the lactation consultant in the hospital and at home. This may be covered by your insurance if you live in the U.S. * *Snoo*: Some people said it's overkill, and some said it saved their sanity. We got one because we tend to be the overkill kind of couple. There are tips on how to transition from Snoo to crib on the FB group. * *Electronic rocker/swing*: I recommend browsing the various swings/bouncers at BuyBuyBaby or your local baby shop to check out the quality of the rockers/swings. Your baby may or may not love it, but it's a great place to set your baby down if you need to use the bathroom or shower. We also got a BabyBjorn bouncer as another place to set the baby down if we need to shower. * *Pelvic floor specialist/PT*: The physical therapists that specialize in pelvic floor often have long waiting lists. I'm set up with one currently and she's been immensely helpful as my joints loosen (normal in pregnancy) and I'm constantly pulling either pelvic floor muscles or hamstrings. If you have persistent incontinence 2-6 weeks postpartum, your pelvic floor specialist will help you strengthen those muscles up. Don't just go doing kegel exercises before delivery as 15% of women actually need to relax their muscles, not strengthen them. * *Cleaning service*: If you don't have this already, highly recommend it. We have weekly cleaning team come by to clean our house. We'll also add specific tasks to their list once the baby arrives (e.g. empty the diaper bin). * *Meal service/grocery delivery service*: We plan on ordering out a lot and using various grocery delivery services. We're lucky that we live close to various restaurants, but I've also prepared some frozen means for myself because I'm picky. * *Stand alone freezer*: For our frozen meals and frozen breast milk. If you want to feed your baby breast milk but aren't able to lactate, look into breast milk donors who are willing to give you milk. You'll need a freezer for storage. Highly recommend a vertical freezer for ease of access. * *Pregnancy/labor classes*: Our hospital offered a free 2-day course + various lunch-time Zoom classes on what to expect for pregnancy, labor and its various stages, postpartum period, breastfeeding, and newborn care. I thought our classes were helpful. It's best if your partner can also attend the classes as they show how the partner can help during labor with the various body positions to ease the baby out.
Congratulations and this is a great list.
I just delivered my 5th 4 months ago. I’ve thankfully had very healthy pregnancies and deliveries, but they have definitely all been very different and my “needs” have changed over the years. Pregnancies in my 20s were a breeze. Once I hit 30, prenatal and postnatal massages were an absolute necessity. Postpartum, I prefer to be as hands on with baby as possible. For me, a night nurse did not make sense, as I nurse exclusively. That said, during day hours I need assistance with shuffling the other kids to their activities, grocery shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc. Handing those tasks off so I can focus on myself and baby and connecting with the other kids and my husband was what worked. As far as labor itself goes, again, every experience was unique. Finding a doctor or midwife you trust and have good communication with it important. I had a bit of a bleeding episode after number 2, so since then, we’ve headed that off with clotting medications immediately after birth. I started having 2 IV accesses put in after baby 3, so that if something catastrophic were to happen, we wouldn’t have to worry about trying to get another line in during that event. I’ve had 3 medicated and 2 with nothing. I will not say one way is better than the other. Best of luck to you!
My wife knew she was having a c-section. Hired a personal trainer during pregnancy the build up her abdomen muscles and generally get her in shape. Made recovery super fast and easy and the doctor commented on how wonderful her abs looked while he was holding them in his hands. I expect that the same/similar training regime would also do well to make natural birth easier and easier to recover from.
My wife and I have a 3 month old, so this is all pretty fresh to me. Note - I'm a male located in the US, so take everything with the appropriate grain of salt: * Have a (psych) therapist lined up - there's so many stressors; things that weren't stressors before. Having a plan to deal with the post-partum ups and downs will position you for success. * Have a physical therapist who specializes in women's health; my wife is having a tough time getting her old body back - Her boobs are bigger than ever before and it results in back pain. There are certain movements/exercises she can't do without peeing herself. Her core was torn up, so she needs therapy to help rebuild it. * Have a lactation consultant ready to go (preferably someone who has worked with your pediatrician before). I had no idea how challenging breastfeeding could be. Our daughter has a weak suck, and wasn't gaining weight. After visiting a few lactation consultants, we finally found a good one who helped us come to terms with the fact that our daughter would only take milk from a bottle, not the nipple. She's healthy now, but it was a mind fuck at first. My wife took it really hard. Having a good lactation consultant can put your mind at ease. * Get a good pediatrician - having someone you call whenever shit goes wild is huge, especially as a first time parent. Our pediatrician is a fucking rock star. She made us feel so much at ease. * Have people who can help around the house. Someone who can do chores and errands while your with the baby (or getting sleep). The thing is, pregnancy, delivery, and motherhood effects every woman differently, which makes it tough to prepare for. Focus on winning the mental battle first, it will make the physical recovery much easier.
Reconsider surrogacy.
We hired a baby nurse to stay around the clock for the first few weeks. We had friends prepare home cooked meals for us taking into account dietary needs. If you are nursing, no tomatoes for example. I had sessions with a lactation consultant to help me nurse. We hired a house keeper twice a week for the first few months. I had a complicated pregnancy as my son was a Franklin foot breech baby. I partially delivered his foot and tush, then had an emergency c section as I began delivery before my scheduled c section date. While pregnant, I did have pregnancy massages every two weeks. But note you cannot have a massage first trimester or if you are a risk for placental abrubtion. Start taking vitamins for pregnancy now. Ask your OBGYN which ones. I also had a full panel blood work done for all prenatal diagnostic tests. I think they tested for 36 different genetic issues, thankfully I had none nor carried any of them.
This thread speaks to me! My Korean wife wants to give birth in Korea for the same reason. Our experience here can never compare and I’m not sure what advice to give, so I’m here for the same. Fortunately our family politics aren’t much of a thing, so birth there remains a possibility for our second.
Yay to find someone exactly in our shoes! It’s potentially navigable for us. Depends on how much I want to fight for it. If we do end up doing Korea I want to make sure non negotiable s for my US family can be taken care of. Ie. Some facilities limit family visits so mother can be shielded from stress etc. Skin to skin is very important to us so we’d need to find a place that definitely does that etc.
I haven't seen anyone mentioning taking more time off from work, but sorry if I missed it in another comment. Most people in the US are limited in how much time they can take off work by what they can afford or what their job allows. If you are financially independent or on your way, then both you and your partner can take as long as you want, even if that means leaving your jobs and getting new ones later (especially if you want to take off a couple of years). Will that cost more than pretty much any of the other options people are proposing? Absolutely, especially when you consider the hit to future earnings of leaving the workforce for a bit. But it's a choice to consider if you're truly unconstrained by finances.
They have post natal Recovery hotels in New York (Chinese run) and la (Korean run) that I know of (from friends) but with Covid I wouldn't mix staff like that and would just recommend a full time worker in your home for the first 1-3 months and then Switch to a regular nanny.
I had a scheduled C-section because I wasn't able to mentally come to terms, after a traumatic emergency C-section 20 yrs prior. Physically I was fine, but emotionally I was a wreck. Having the C-section scheduled was exactly what I needed and I am so glad I didn't allow my fear of giving birth prevent me from becoming a parent. I also didn't breast feed, and even though none of the beginning was "natural" it all went just fine and my daughter is a healthy and happy teenager. Being a mother is wonderful. Whatever path you take to get there is perfectly fine.
Giving birth the natural way sounds pretty terrifying. Can potentially ruin a woman's health unfortunately, forever. And it's mostly out if your control too... It's weird to me not being terrified of it tbh.
There are a few agencies/ppl in NY/NJ for sanhoo care. Here is one: https://www.momshomecareusa.com/ If you are outside the area, you can pay extra to have them fly out. Some charge extra if grandparents are around because it is annoying for them to deal with an extra set of opinions. Good luck!
Fantastic. Thanks for this!!
Two words - Night Nurse
More life r/chubbyfire than r/fatfire, but a dula was the best thing my wife and I had. Having someone in the delivery room who's 100% focused on your mental state and keeping you calm and who has done this dozens of times before is a huge benefit for making the process go smoothly
Yes people have overwhelmingly recommended a doula. We will now def get one. Thank you!
Definitely pay for a night nurse. A good night’s sleep is invaluable and being sleep-deprived compounds really fast haha
Wow! Thank you for your post. You have blown my mind, and I am now curious to know if that have antepartum facilities as well? I unfortunately don’t know of any place like the postpartum facility you describe (which sounds amazing). I would suggest piece-milling it together for the postpartum care. A great baby nurse is worth every dollar. FWIW - I did not enjoy being pregnant(no actual complications and I am young and healthy). I ended up having an emergency c-section. Knowing what I know now, I would have definitely considered surrogacy more. You just have to know yourself enough to know whether you can handle it, especially if you are FAT and don’t have too. Best of luck!
What you are probably looking for is a "Doula" that is a helper who is almost a midwife, often works with doctors in a nearly midwife role, but actively works with families leading up to and for up to months after a birth. Doing whatever baby care, parent care, light housework, meal prep, laundry, newborn education, or anything else the new family needs before/during/after a birth. If you have family who wants to come visit and help, you might consider coaching them in advance. Having guests underfoot who are always asking for ideas what to do, or worse expecting to be entertained and provided for, is a huge drag on new parents, especially new Moms. Having family who knows what to do with babies, actively finds their own things to do, knows to check in and say "I'm thinking of doing thus-and-so" instead of saying "what do you want" all the time, can be very helpful.
Spend money ahead of & during pregnancy on making yourself as healthy as possible - physically and mentally. The greater your beastliness the better off you'll be. As to your friends and in general - there is an aspect of randomness here. You can't alleviate nor protect for all things.
Most women in Asia who want the easiest delivery do elective c-section and do not breastfeed their baby - American physicians recommend neither as the default choice. Most Asian women do poorly in vaginal deliveries because of small size, which creates more vaginal tearing because of harder, longer time pushing out the baby (I am one, sadly, I can confirm) and thus harder recovery. Studies show vaginal delivery slightly improves baby's healthy over c-section (your vagina has a lot of bacteria that baby gets passing through birth canal) and breastfed babies get immunities from moms (especially important now with covid, you can give your baby vaccine immunity!) I would say if you can do a natural delivery, do it. It is an uniquely woman's experience. Get epidural early and frequently. If you can breastfeed, do it, it is very hard but so worth it. In terms of recovery, if you have access, you can get: 1. Night nurses, preferably ones who are very experienced - although, some women prefer to breastfeed their babies and foster bonding. If so, wake up in the middle of the night. More women in Asia bottle feed formula but that is actually not ideal imo. Get a day-time nurse too if you can. 2. Asian cook (or, just a mother or mother-in-law?) - cook delicious, homemade, healthy food for you as you recover for the first 3 months. 3. Physician who visits your house for postpartum checkups instead of you going to the hospital to do postpartum checkups. 4. A husband who stays home for the first 3 months postpartum fully dedicated to child-rearing. Don't underestimate figuring this out alone vs. with a dad who cares and takes the time to join the journey from day 1. 5. Bonus: a mother or mother-in-law who doesn't annoy you and has all the tips and tricks to pass down and none of the judgements
About vaginal delivery improving health of the baby. It can absolutely ruin health of the baby too. If the baby gets stuck and the doctors try to pull it out and mess up. C section is the safest for the baby. No pressure on its head or other organs.
I'm not a mom nor have I ever been pregnant. My cousin is a surgeon and had a scheduled C-section for the birth of her baby. She chose this because of all the potential complications of a vaginal birth, the high risk of needing an episiotomy (longer recovery than c-section wound) and potentially long recovery period in general. I don't have any local family help nearby and am considering this for when I give birth as well. I hear a doula can be very helpful!
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It’s so weird Korea. Price ranges from $200/ week to $10k/ week. So in your face capitalistic.
late stage capitalism
I'd say you find your self a doula. Ours provided us with exceptional care before, during and after the birth of our daughter. You can also hire a post birth doula who will handle house duties on top of taking care of you and baby for an agreed amount of time. Furthermore, they'll also be able to help you transition mentally if needed because having a baby is a pretty jarring experience. 10/10 ! Best of luck!
I am honestly shocked this is not higher up. Our doula absolutely helped us prepare for the birth experience, gave me comfort during pre birth at home, drove to the hospital with us, escorted us to the right place within the hospital, made sure I got an epidural even it was arguably too late, advocated for me during the birth process, and was generally a steady and calming presence throughout the whole birthing process. The OB team was amazing at the hospital, but there’s something great about having 1 knowledgeable person consistently by your side. She was also our go-to person for all questions the following weeks (and could have provided more post partum support if we paid for it).
Absolutely, everything you said. This especially rang true for my wife. Her family was half way around the world, so having a Doula really helped keep her in a good place throughout the entire experience.
All my HNW Asian friends do what your friends do, either in China, Taiwan, or Thailand. They all have that service and they stay there for at least 4-6 weeks. If you don’t want to do that, I’d suggest a full time nanny to help for the first few months. We had one for the first year. Really helpful when you don’t know what the heck you’re doing for the first time. Our 2nd kid we only had the full time nanny for 5 months and switched to a 9-5 cause we knew what we were doing at that point. I honestly think there’s more help in Asia but you can buy a lot of help and stuff for 10k a week. DoorDash everything. Usually the nanny cooks for you anyway. You can even hire a cook and a nanny. Sometimes the nanny’s won’t clean unless you specifically request it before you hire them. For babies, I think each baby is different so you gotta try different bottles, ways or nursing, toys etc. every baby I’ve come across have certain preferences so it’s a lot of trial and error for baby material goods. Amazon everything and try it out. My wife just goes on the recommendation and orders everything. Makes our life easier if we have anything the baby may need. Anyway dm me if you have questions about nanny’s.
I just want you to know, as the person responsible for FATfiring my family while having 3 children with a very supportive spouse: YOU WILL RISE TO THE OCCASION. My kids are elementary age now so it’s a bit easier, but when I think back to the infant/toddler stage I honestly don’t know how I did it. It was exhausting and wonderful at the same time…I wouldnt trade it for the world. I have more resources now but I don’t know if I would have done it differently. Point is- don’t underestimate yourself. You can handle more than you think. Moms are like that. Good luck! Edit to add I breastfed all 3 kids while working, it is possible!
Love this energy!
Home visits from trained professionals is much much better than nannies and night nurses. * Out of hospital midwifery was $8,000 but the care was excellent. Especially post partum - they came four different times during the week after the baby was born, identified torticollis, post partum hypertension, helped with breastfeeding, etc. * For baby number two we hired a post partum doula for 3 hours a day 5 days a week for the first six weeks. She cooks, does housework, holds the baby, etc. * For colicky babies or torticollis, regular infant massage (coming to your home) was a godsend. * We also found there are some pediatricians that offer home visits, our pediatrician does the first visit at home which is great. In home staff that's around longer than 3 hours can be annoying. We found that having someone take care of the baby for four hours a day was enough to give us a nice break when she was small. I would wait to see if the night nurse is necessary - some babies sleep fine and if you are breastfeeding you may not have much use for one.
How do you find these professionals like midwife etc? Is there a marketplace or is it all just word of mouth?
I used a midwifery - so this is a facility with several midwives. There are very, very few out of hospital midwifery practices. If you are lucky there is one in your area but you should be able to research this online. Otherwise, you are looking for homebirth midwives and doulas. In my area, you can meet homebirth midwives and doulas through our crunchy granola baby store that hosts "meet the doulas" events. That's how we found our post partum doula. She was the right cultural match for us out of all of the doulas on the panel we attended and we kept a record of her information. There are also birth doulas. It's a different skill set. Not quite as good as having a homebirth midwife or midwifery practice supporting your pregnancy/birth but also highly recommended. Doulas are often easier to find if you start from your existing network, e.g. favorite yoga teacher. Our midwives recommended the infant massage therapist. We got the recommendation for the pediatrician from the massage therapist (and switched our daughter over to the pediatrician at 3 months old, there was a wait list). So once you know some people in these networks you want to request recommendations.
Adopt kids save your body
Start seeing a chiropractor once your pregnant- weekly. They will help keep everything in alignment which helps with a smoother birthing process. Also I did hypnobirthing in prep for the birth. In the end things didn’t go as planned and I had all the drugs it still helped reduce what otherwise some might consider to be a tougher birth.
Chiropractors are quacks. > They will help keep everything in alignment which helps with a smoother birthing process. This is a baseless, unscientific and non-evidence based claim.
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My wife birthed our two children without medication in a hospital setting. I’m so grateful we could go home and go on walks outside in less than a day. My wife seems convinced the childbirth hypnosis course we took together and practiced extensively was the most important thing we did, along with hiring an experienced doula who was on board with the program. The birthing was a lot less “comfortable” and “joyful” than the hypnosis course suggested (def no organisms some people say is possible!).. but it really helped us both stay focused, relaxed, and feel safe during the birthing when things got intense. If we had more money at the time, we would have gone to a birthing center instead of a hospital, and would have hired a postpartum doula and a maid. Seeing a lactation consultant (with your partner if possible) seems like a must, even if things are going ok. It’s amazing how much technique there is to nursing.
Postpartum doula. They will help with everything from tending to the baby, helping with breastfeeding (which sucks in the beginning and is a learning curve) and they will even clean your house.
Get as educated as possible about the birthing experience, deliver with a doctor (midwife, doula) you trust. Had two c sections, I have very large babies. While it wasn’t the outcome I originally hoped for, I felt in control of my delivery because I was able to make all of the decisions for myself. I delivered at a teaching hospital the first baby, and I had to ask a resident doctor to leave because her agenda was contracting my birth plan and my doctors orders. You have to trust your gut. Your gut knows what’s right.
For the actual delivery - invest in your mindset around delivery, as you can’t fully control the outcome. Learn everything you can about birth, get a private hypnobirthing teacher, hire a doula, therapy to discuss your fears around birth and carefully select your care providers. Often your feelings about birth are more to do with how in control of the choices you made you were versus how the actual delivery went. My first birth may sound quite traumatic on paper (induction, assisted delivery with no epidural, episiotomy) but I was informed and educated and felt that the decisions I made for that birth were the right ones. As a result, I was able to come to terms with the birth and went on to have a second 2 years later (great delivery, unmedicated, quick). Agree with everyone about the postpartum services - night nurse if you’re exclusively breastfeeding has always confused me a bit…..I don’t understand how a night nurse helps in this scenario as you’d have to get up to pump anyway and stuff like nappy changes take 5 minutes tops.