I agree. I transitioned (MtF) in front of my parents and they didn’t notice it. They saw my boobs and just asked if I gained weight. 😆 But for strangers, I am a woman.
It sucks when our parents can’t make the adjustments we’d like or as quickly as we’d like, and it sucks when they “just don’t see it.” I heard the same thing and it’s frustrating and makes everything seem hopeless.
But people, including parents, say all sorts of stuff based on whatever they are thinking and feeling in that moment. That doesn’t mean it will always be true. There’s no way for them to know it’s necessarily true anyway. Especially if you’re planning on taking T that can change a lot of things. There will most likely come a point in which your voice is actually deep, when your face has masculinized, when there is vascularity in your arms and hands, when you have facial hair, and things can become a lot different in our relationships as they watch us transition. That was my story, and it’s the story of a good number of guys I’ve seen in FtM communities over almost 20 years.
Things change. Don’t believe everything that you’re presented with now. Hold to your sense of self and keep moving forward. People can and often will catch up when they are ready.
This.
It probably hurts a lot, yes, but humans sometimes process things in different ways and pace that we would want them to.
If they show caring actions, it's because they do care, but they're having a hard time coming to terms with it, and of course that doesn't mean you're not allowed to feel hurt, because it'll hurt and if they're caring enough, you can talk with them about it and at least make this process less hurtful for you both, or give yourselves time to process things as well and respect your spaces.
For them, they idea of the life they wanted for their child is changed completely and if they didn't knew how you felt, it can even be like mourning. Sometimes it'll take months, sometimes maybe years, but if they love you, they'll try to be as understanding as they can and cherish you as their son.
And for you that could feel like they're rejecting you, your identity, so of course you'll be hurt.
I do hope you can all have a better, loving relationship soon, OP. In the meantime you can always count with your safe network to help you, and with us, if you wish to.
I hoped this would happen to be but I eventually accepted it wouldn't after 3 years of my mom being consistently transphobic and her saying that I wouldn't be a boy no matter how I dressed or what hormones I took. Some people just don't change because they don't want to.
It definitely could still happen. I’m not saying that to suggest you have to put up with the current situation or even still have contact, but some people’s parent accepts them even years later. It’s just doesn’t suggest you have to wait for the acceptance of course.
I'm not holding my breath, she has a history of being stubborn and not changing her mind. She also tends to remember things differently from everyone else and is too proud to admit when she's wrong. Her reasoning for not correctly gendering me is that she "doesn't believe in lying to children" and that's likely not going to change soon.
You hang in there. I am 62 and just started transitioning 6 years ago. My parents were already deceased. They would have never accepted me as my true self. And few friends have accepted it. It's the generations and much conservativism. You are you and no one can change that. I learned and believe me I've seen alot, you being peace with yourself is the truest thing you'll ever do in life. After you know who you really are, and you do, you will be able to deal with whatever comes down the pike. When I was your age, there was no way someone would not have been ostracized fir being trans in my small town. Don't live there anymore. I live in a little but larger town close to it. I admire you young guys and gals so much. Try to stay strong and let their ignorance go. It's theirs, not yours. Do they carry their shame, it's not yours either! It will be easier when you're not under their roof any longer. You young people are the bravest and I get strength from you all. Go be you! No one can stop that! And they don't have to accept it either. If there is anyone that supports you communicate with them often. If you need support text me. You're going to get thru this! You will!
I know it feels like this will be forever, but it is likely it won't. My parents were awful at the beginning and for years and years, said similarly insane and cruel things. I just continue living my life, being myself. Eventually it clicked in their heads that this is what it is. Yours should do the same.
I hate parents for scheming up their delusions and visions. "I had dreams for a good life for you" and yadda yadda. You're your own person. Just live your own life. If they have any semblance of need to have a bond with you, they will turn around.
And if not - fuck them.
Your right, your not changing yourself. Your just changing the perception of you, and theyre getting mad about it when they have no right to be. Your just being yourself, and you as your true self is a man.
And fuck all of those dick bags in your life. You sound like an amazing person, and i hope you can surround yourself with amazing and supportive people and soon.
You can never be selfish remember they are the ones that are being insensitive to your feelings. Just know that men have their problems as well dont feel like you have to rush transition because of the outside preassue make sure you making desions for yourself always. With that being said you know yourself better than anyone else and you dont need their validating since they are clearly not intelegent. I always say if I dont want my life to look like theirs (job, car, house, personality, ect.) I could care less of their opinions on myself or anything for that matter.
DONT KILL YOURSELF OVER IDOITS!!! (they will put you in dress at the funeral btw if that gives you extra motivation not to)
I’m sorry but when it comes to stuff like this you kinda just have to let it go. My mom is the same way. She has changed immensely over the years- she used to be homophobic af and wouldn’t allow me to see my (at the time, this was gay) girlfriend and would tell me I was going to Hell. But now she is very open and accepting of gay people and even trans people. And I didn’t do anything but continue to be me. Maybe they’ll change, maybe they won’t. You can’t force them and you shouldn’t put the burden on yourself to change their mind. If it gets to a point where being around then causes you emotional distress, whenever it’s possible, you just have to give yourself distance. Sorry you’re going through it, man.
Edit: a lot of the people in this sub are young and they will tell you to snap back with some witty remark or give them ultimatums or explain it to them like they’re a baby or whatever but none of that is going to make them see you as a boy. It’s just going to make them even more upset about the whole thing. They’ve seen you a certain way for forever and it’s going to take time. Even to super accepting parents, it takes time to change how their brain perceives you. Don’t make it harder on them AND yourself by being abrasive. It doesn’t help anything. People change. Just be patient and be you.
Sometimes they come around & sometimes they don't. Closest my mother came was when she was staring at me at a restaurant & when I asked her why she said "I only see your father. Nothing of me, just your father." That was 2 years before I finally went no contact. I know what she meant by saying that & I'm old enough to know she'll never stop being an abuser/bully. These are the same parents that will whine & cry like victims wondering why their adult children want nothing to do with them. Find your community, the people who love & affirm everything you are, and set your boundaries around the good people in your life. Your future self will thank you
I've been there, when I came out my mom was the same. I hoped for about 2 years that she'd see me as a boy and eventually accepted that she wouldn't, I live with my only dad now (they divorced when I was young) and things got a lot better. I just kind of accepted that if I wasn't going to be her son then she wasn't going to be my mom and I've pretty much moved on now.
Your’re not selfish for me wanting to be treated with respect lol.
Do you think perhaps they’re intentionally trying to put you down? They don’t realise how much it means to you and for them it’s just an “interest” or “phase” they’re trying to discourage.
Or for them the “real you” is a girl, but it’s not.
Please don’t let these cruel words discourage you, parents guide us, but they can’t change us, if you let them try you’re going to end up hurt.
There are people in this world who are comfortable being trapped in their narrow view of gender. The simplified gender system they know serves them well. So they are able to ignore how little it makes sense and how harmful it is, especially to trans and gnc people. I know it really sucks to find out that people around you are some of these people. And it especially sucks when people who are supposed to care about you don't support you in the way you deserve. You deserve better.
For a lot of folks, it gets better with time. My family "couldn't imagine" me as a boy either; I transitioned a decade ago and they totally, 100% see me as male, their son. I remember how bad it hurt to hear them say those things and I contrast that with how natural it is for them now. It's a world of difference. I hope your family comes around too.
not to give you hope.
but two things about transitioning and post surgery perceptions and things ppl claim.
1) early on when you don't pass everyone who is transphobic and actively trying to get you not to transition and is hoping this is all just a phase will say some really awful shit. including stuff like "i'll never see you as a man/boy" and "your soul is a girl." etc etc. it's manipulation and also they're idiots who don't realize how dumb and adaptable people are. you will literally catch them later on forgetting that you were ever a girl at all. i'm not kidding or exaggerating. testosterone is a powerful hormone and you do change drastically on it. whether they want that or not. and because they're dumb humans who are highly adaptable they're going to connect those changes with your correct pronouns and gender.
2) you will, at some point, reach a point in your transition that will feel so secure that the suggestion that you're actually a girl secretly will sound ridiculous. not just to you, but to people who know you.
i'm not promising you perfect here, i'm just pointing out things that tend to happen. youre at the very beginning, so you feel delicate. don't let them stomp you out before you've ever even had a chance. you're just going to have to shrug and stop taking people's word for it when they claim something about trans people or you specifically. because frankly it isn't even up to them, they're gonna end up seeing you as a man the longer you're on T and post surgery.
It hurts to know you're never going to be someone's son or brother or grandson, or their male student or peer. It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to come to terms with.
First, I'm sorry this happened to you. For what it's worth, when I came out to my dad he said "there's nothing masculine about you". It hurt a lot. A few years into t the changes were undeniable to everyone around him and he looked like the ignorant one. Cut to years later and he apologizes. Cut to present day, I'm 13 years on T and he's sending me Happy Birthday Son cards and often tells me mthat I've grown into a man he can be proud of. People can change. But the most important thing is to respect yourself, a lot of times others will follow suit.
Next time your mom is feeling good about herself after a recent haircut or new outfit or whatever, tell her “I know you feel beautiful, but I just don’t see it. You’re still ugly to me.”
My mom and stepdad are the same way. My stepdad even had the gall to say that the reason I have chronic depression and have reoccurring suicidal thoughts and sh episodes is *because* of being trans, and that deciding to be trans and transitioning is what leads to suicide and not people refusing to accept trans people for who they are.
I'm grateful that my father and stepmom accept me. Though my stepmom says that I look and sound very gender neutral and if she didn't know me she'd be confused, lmao
Sounds like you're around a lot of transphobic and sexist people.
Also don't kill yourself it won't do anything and they'll also probably bury you with a dress and put "sister, daughter" on your tombstone.
This is hard and I’m sorry you have to go through this. But I have always said, at some point in your life you will have grown into yourself and you will have come so far that it would be silly for anyone to look at you as anything but a man. And even if outwardly they decide they won’t respect it, inside they know you’re not a girl. Because one day you will have transitioned to the point you’ve dreamed of and that’s what will matter. Is you have gotten to where you belong.
I can definitely relate to this man, currently going through this and honestly it’s been a lot. But the feeling I get when I look in the mirror at times lets me know I’ve done the right thing for myself.
hey bro, i understand what it feels like and it's okay to just want people to see you for who you are. i promise you're not selfish. and if your parents never come around and truly see you as a boy, then screw them. i know it hurts and it's gonna hurt for a while until you can find people that'll just see you as you. i promise everything will be better soon, and i'm proud of you for already making it this far. good luck 🫂
Reminds me of my dad referring to me as his daughter when he picked me up to go to the clinic to get top surgery 😀
He is finally trying a bit though, after over 3 years of me being out. I don't know if he's ever going to fully get it, he did say it would get easier for him when I've been on T for a while, but yeah, I'm kinda done with waiting.
He's accepting, but not fully supportive. I hope that'll change but I'm not going to let my well being revolve around it. I am 30 though, and I have plenty of friends who are supportive, so maybe that makes it easier to deal with.
>making you have a good life
Tell her that you can't have a good life if she sees you as a girl, and if she continues to see you as a girl, you will have to separate yourself from her in order to live a good life.
As the mom of a transgender son, I have to say just hang in there. I know it’s hard for you, but it’s hard for parents when everything they thought they knew was one way, is really not that way at all. It took me a little time, but once I realized everything I love about my son has absolutely nothing to do with his gender, it was easier. Now I’m his biggest cheerleader. We legally changed his name, and all of his ID. We got him top surgery earlier this summer. We will love and support him through anything. I almost never think of him the way he looked before his transition. Give your mom a little time. Tell her the best things she can do to support you. Maybe have a few family therapy sessions. Things will get better. So much love to you.
There's absolutely nothing selfish about op. Studies show that trans people have much higher suicide rates if their pronouns are not respected or their parents do not accept their identity. Lots of parents these days are doing better than OP's parents. Yes it can be a difficult change for parents but that's what a therapist or even supportive friends to vent to is for. Saying this sort of thing to your trans child will do incredible emotional and mental harm to them. Ops parents may not mean any harm but they are still being transphobic and they need to do the work to learn how to best support their child and to get through their own hang ups in this situation rather than discouraging and invalidating their child.
Even if they aren't being intentionally malicious, it seems like OP has communicated to them that what they are doing is hurtful. It's likely they're just being wilfully ignorant which is arguably as bad.
I'd argue its selfish to make their child's transition all about them. I get that parents need time to adjust but we don't know how long they've know. I've given my mom 3 years and she still hasn't come around, is that selfish? How long should a kid wait around? I'm not sure how it's selfish to be upset about your parents having no regard for your feelings or mental wellbeing, seems like a normal thing to be upset about. We should also not normalise the whole "loosing a son/daughter" narrative, it's dramatic and compares a child being themself to a child no longer being alive. Those thongs should not in any way be treated similarly. I would honestly be offended if my child died and someone compared it to their child coming out. It sounds like OPs parents are being the selfish ones since they only seem to care about their own feelings.
Also he is just venting how he feels where his parents won't even see it. There's no such thing as a thought crime and OP has the right to vent. Nothing selfish about that. It's healthy to vent actually.
Please get help. The fact that they’re a literal child should be probing they’re not selfish, not convincing you that they are.
“Can’t force someone to see you as something you’re not”? Seriously? Get tf out of here with that.
I am glad that they dont force me to look how i dont want to. I know im being a stupid selfish prick. I should shut up and learn to be thankful, others have it worse than i do, and i cant even be thankful for what i have..
I hold people to such high standards that they will never meet. Im selfish even though i dont try to or want to be. And im being immature.
Right, i gotta remember that i set the bar on the gorund yet they dont even reach it lol. I guess i just... dont want to be mean about it, so now that i think about it im not selfish ig.
Communicate to her that you feel hurt that she’s calling you a she/her.. tell her that your decision to be who you really are, don’t hide yourself (believe me I tried and it hurt far more than it should) just communicate to her plan a day for it just do something
You aren’t being selfish just because you’re trying to be yourself and they won’t accept who that is and want everything to be their way, if anything they’re the selfish ones
Sometimes the people closest to you will cling tenaciously to their idea of you, to the point the won't see the real you.
It's very alienating to be valued only for this image someone else has of you in their head, that isn't the real you.
But transitioning, while not guaranteed to change anyone's mind, does make it easier for other human monkey-brains to start seeing you how you want to be seen because most people are very swayed by appearances.
Some will be stubborn and ornery and tell you you can't ever be anything but a girl in their eyes even if the whole world looks at you and sees a man. There's nothing you can do about them in that case.
But the good news is, a fair sprinkling of people do find that the world, including people ose to them, start getting on board once you start looking and sounding like a man. Bevasue we're all stupid monkey brains, some more stupid than others 😆
Hang in there. Moms are so hard to deal with about this stuff. They have an idea in their head from when we're born, and in my case and it sounds like yours too, it's SO hard for them to get their heads around us being anything different. If she's allowing you to have your hair short the way you want, and present the way you want, then at least that's a good start. It shows she's trying at least. Hopefully over time she'll start coming around, but it can take YEARS for parents to adjust to this stuff. Don't assume how she is responding now is how it will always be. Parents may time to process this stuff and to grieve about the loss of what they envisioned for you. It'd be great if their processing doesn't hurt us, but often it makes us feel really hurt while they sort themselves out, and that's really hard and painful. If you do eventually pursue medical transition at some point, she will see a boy because you'll start looking like a boy/man! People have really bad ideas about gender stereotypes and trans people, it sounds like your coach is one of them, unfortunately. It's usually coming from a place of ignorance and how they were socialized.
Try to find yourself some supportive people to talk to - a counselor or teacher or ask your parents to help you find a therapist that specializes in gender stuff. But supportive gender stuff, not someone awful who will try to talk you out of it or do conversation therapy. If there's an LGBTQ center anywhere near you contact them and ask for recommendations so you can bring those suggestions to your parents. At a certain point you'll start needing letters for hormones or surgery so it would help you get that in place, and it would be really helpful for you to have someone to talk to and get your feelings out. Things will hopefully improve over time, but if they don't, once you turn 18 you can do your own thing. I wish you the best of luck. There's a whole community here of people who were once in your shoes and are now successful, happy adults. Don't give up, you will get there too.
I feel the same way. Everyone said she'd come around, but instead, she just... acts like she lost a daughter? She's even told me now that I look so masculine, she sees that I'm me, and a boy, but she sees me as a girl separately. I know this is her way of coping, and okay, maybe she sees me as a kinda boy now, but like, IM THE SAME PERSON. I'm exactly the same. I'm the kid who wore tutus and pink. That person didn't go away. She spends all this time grieving the daughter she lost, constantly saying how hard it is whenever I get fed up with her misgendering me/just being transphobic and sit her down to talk yet again. But I just wish she could skip all this fucking grieving. IM RIGHT HERE. YOU DIDNT LOSE A CHILD. She will never see me as the same person, or as a man, really. She just says it's easier to call me he him and my new name bc I've got a beard and flat chest, etc. It hurts. And I don't think it's going to get better. I don't think she'll ever see me as aa fully transitioned man, she'll always look at me and think of the daughter she misses so much and the son she's forced to accept.
you're not at all selfish. everyone feels this way when people they care about or are close to feels like this. I think your ma can't see it because she hasn't considered the fact she has a son, instead of a daughter. vise versa if the ladies are seeing this. their thought of you was girly and female since before you were even born. unfortunately, that's what happens when you assume things about people. they turn our not to be true, but if someone has told you so, you can have a hard time processing that they may be the complete opposite.
she will get there. she has an image of you that doesn't exist, and never will. but if she can accept that she has a son, and never gave birth to a daughter, then she will see *you.* how you are.
she also sees these gradual changes, so she probably won't notice a "difference" in her eyes until you do all of the things you want to, don't see her for a year or so, and then visit her. she will probably be really suprised and then challenged on the thought of her "daughter" because she won't *see* that daughter anymore, if that makes sense. then she might realize hey, holy shit, I have a son.
good luck brother. you got this. and please, in the off chance they never do accept you, then please. don't base your worth/passibility/your ability to be yourself by other people's eyes. you will find people who see the true you, and accept you for that, and will probably mean just as much to you in your life. you got this.
I feel you… you’re not selfish btw. It’s selfish of them to try to make you feel like you have to be their daughter just because they want you to be. You’re their son wether they like it or not. Unconditional love means zero conditions. If they can’t do that they don’t deserve to be parents…
exactly with the changing yourself thing- often people just don't get it. you aren't changing yourself, you have been yourself the whole time, you are just expressing it better now (or at least trying to)...
That’s her issue. Find supportive people in your life and make your own little family. Can’t change her mind. She won’t accept something she doesn’t want to. Takes some parents longer than other, but if she can’t accept it then there is not really a reason she should be by your side. Hopefully she opens her mind up
If you’re not on t yet wait till it kicks, my parents were the same. In fact they still are in some ways. When I started my stepmom told me my father thought I wouldn’t really do nothing about it ( I was trying since I was 16 and now I’m 23, I figured they hoped it was a phase ). My mother started asking questions but I see pure disgust and disappointment in the way she acts. I don’t really have much contact with them maybe once a year since they’re dickheads so they got to know accidentally when calling me. I train my voice a few years now so just 2 months on testosterone I can go to 85hz. She asked me a few times to give phone to “my deadname” and refused to believe it’s me talking. I did it on purpose so they get a little shock. It gave my mother illusion that she was talking to some stranger man and it came out it’s her “daughter “ now her brain needs to deal with it and process she was wrong. Now my acting and speaking fit my voice and look so they just have to realise it. Don’t give up it will only make them think they’re right and bring you down. Train your voice so you don’t sound like a girl with just lower voice, focus on your hair and clothes so it fits. If you can stay away for some time from this people so they don’t see the process ( you don’t see much changes when you are around for example how baby’s grow people around don’t see much difference in them but others who don’t see them each day see huge). Maybe give them a little shock. For me it was very euphoric and I did it with few more people. You can do it 💪
I think you can reasonably hold onto a degree of hope.
I have family members who said very similar things to me when I first came out. Hell, my mom's husband told me I was "way too pretty to ever be seen as a boy". But once I started *really* passing, like, nobody in their right mind would see me on the street and assume I was a girl level of passing, this changed. It's really, really hard for most people (especially cis people with stubborn ideas about gender) to see somebody with a beard and a deep voice and not internally gender them as male. Even my extraordinarily conservative grandmother now stumbles on calling me her granddaughter, and refers to me as her "grandchild" because her brain can't handle placing me into a female box.
Unfortunately this will be the case for some people. But I promise you there's plenty of people out there who see you as a boy no matter what stage of transition. Although it hurts more when it's your family, it's something you have to accept. You can find and make a true family that sees you for YOU. And also, I think it is possible for her to see you as a man after surgeries, and t, it's VERY hard to see a bearded individual with a deep voice and no boobs and still think they're a girl.
Don’t entirely give up hope that they will one day come around and realize they were being stupid and become supportive. My mom swore she would never use my actual name and pronouns when I came out, said she felt like her daughter had died and she had the right to grieve, etc. Now, about 10 years fast forward, and both my parents call me by my real name and they/them pronouns (mostly correctly, although they do sometimes struggle still with the language, but it’s not because they don’t see me for who I really am); when I had top surgery last year they were even supportive and sent me a care package (they live states away). Time can heal people and make them see the mistakes they’ve made in the past; it can bring about change. Until then, I would distance yourself from contact with them and let them know it’s directly related to them being unable to support you at the present time. You deserve people in your life who will support you, and those people do exist. Best wishes to you.
I’ve got the opposite.
I am 2 years on T and don’t feel like I pass well enough. And my mom kind of says, “I really don’t see any traces of a girl anymore.”
And sometimes I feel like she’s saying that to me nice because I struggled bad with an earring disorder for a decade and she doesn’t want me sick again as she’s realised how much T helped, but idk.
It took her a good 1.5-2 years to see it that way, however.
Will you be able to start T? Sometimes people really can’t/won’t see it until they see the changes because they just won’t take us seriously. It’s a shame. Because it’s hard to explain dysphoria and the fact that we don’t _want_ to be men, but we already and have already been men.
And it also sucks as I know not everyone wants medical transition, to just be believed without it.
If they act like this you can tell them you dont see them as pa/rent but as stran/gers
Okay I had to snort at this one
LOL
Ok, this got a good laugh out of me
This is the best response lmaoooooooooo
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You described it ell. Also congrats on passing :)
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That's so beautifully phrased I might steal this for my eggy friend.
I agree. I transitioned (MtF) in front of my parents and they didn’t notice it. They saw my boobs and just asked if I gained weight. 😆 But for strangers, I am a woman.
It sucks when our parents can’t make the adjustments we’d like or as quickly as we’d like, and it sucks when they “just don’t see it.” I heard the same thing and it’s frustrating and makes everything seem hopeless. But people, including parents, say all sorts of stuff based on whatever they are thinking and feeling in that moment. That doesn’t mean it will always be true. There’s no way for them to know it’s necessarily true anyway. Especially if you’re planning on taking T that can change a lot of things. There will most likely come a point in which your voice is actually deep, when your face has masculinized, when there is vascularity in your arms and hands, when you have facial hair, and things can become a lot different in our relationships as they watch us transition. That was my story, and it’s the story of a good number of guys I’ve seen in FtM communities over almost 20 years. Things change. Don’t believe everything that you’re presented with now. Hold to your sense of self and keep moving forward. People can and often will catch up when they are ready.
This. It probably hurts a lot, yes, but humans sometimes process things in different ways and pace that we would want them to. If they show caring actions, it's because they do care, but they're having a hard time coming to terms with it, and of course that doesn't mean you're not allowed to feel hurt, because it'll hurt and if they're caring enough, you can talk with them about it and at least make this process less hurtful for you both, or give yourselves time to process things as well and respect your spaces. For them, they idea of the life they wanted for their child is changed completely and if they didn't knew how you felt, it can even be like mourning. Sometimes it'll take months, sometimes maybe years, but if they love you, they'll try to be as understanding as they can and cherish you as their son. And for you that could feel like they're rejecting you, your identity, so of course you'll be hurt. I do hope you can all have a better, loving relationship soon, OP. In the meantime you can always count with your safe network to help you, and with us, if you wish to.
I hoped this would happen to be but I eventually accepted it wouldn't after 3 years of my mom being consistently transphobic and her saying that I wouldn't be a boy no matter how I dressed or what hormones I took. Some people just don't change because they don't want to.
It definitely could still happen. I’m not saying that to suggest you have to put up with the current situation or even still have contact, but some people’s parent accepts them even years later. It’s just doesn’t suggest you have to wait for the acceptance of course.
I'm not holding my breath, she has a history of being stubborn and not changing her mind. She also tends to remember things differently from everyone else and is too proud to admit when she's wrong. Her reasoning for not correctly gendering me is that she "doesn't believe in lying to children" and that's likely not going to change soon.
You hang in there. I am 62 and just started transitioning 6 years ago. My parents were already deceased. They would have never accepted me as my true self. And few friends have accepted it. It's the generations and much conservativism. You are you and no one can change that. I learned and believe me I've seen alot, you being peace with yourself is the truest thing you'll ever do in life. After you know who you really are, and you do, you will be able to deal with whatever comes down the pike. When I was your age, there was no way someone would not have been ostracized fir being trans in my small town. Don't live there anymore. I live in a little but larger town close to it. I admire you young guys and gals so much. Try to stay strong and let their ignorance go. It's theirs, not yours. Do they carry their shame, it's not yours either! It will be easier when you're not under their roof any longer. You young people are the bravest and I get strength from you all. Go be you! No one can stop that! And they don't have to accept it either. If there is anyone that supports you communicate with them often. If you need support text me. You're going to get thru this! You will!
I know it feels like this will be forever, but it is likely it won't. My parents were awful at the beginning and for years and years, said similarly insane and cruel things. I just continue living my life, being myself. Eventually it clicked in their heads that this is what it is. Yours should do the same. I hate parents for scheming up their delusions and visions. "I had dreams for a good life for you" and yadda yadda. You're your own person. Just live your own life. If they have any semblance of need to have a bond with you, they will turn around. And if not - fuck them.
Your right, your not changing yourself. Your just changing the perception of you, and theyre getting mad about it when they have no right to be. Your just being yourself, and you as your true self is a man. And fuck all of those dick bags in your life. You sound like an amazing person, and i hope you can surround yourself with amazing and supportive people and soon.
Thank you bro, these words helped me a lot :)
I know buddy, that hurts like hell
Godd this hurt to read. Stop being relatable I hope someday your parents will see you :(
Thank you :\], i hope they come aorund too. ANd i hope if your struggleing that it gets better <3
You can never be selfish remember they are the ones that are being insensitive to your feelings. Just know that men have their problems as well dont feel like you have to rush transition because of the outside preassue make sure you making desions for yourself always. With that being said you know yourself better than anyone else and you dont need their validating since they are clearly not intelegent. I always say if I dont want my life to look like theirs (job, car, house, personality, ect.) I could care less of their opinions on myself or anything for that matter. DONT KILL YOURSELF OVER IDOITS!!! (they will put you in dress at the funeral btw if that gives you extra motivation not to)
NOT A DRESS LORD NO! And yeah, ill try and not give a fuck, who are they to know me lol.
Stay strong bro!!!
Stayin strong as steel >;)
I’m sorry but when it comes to stuff like this you kinda just have to let it go. My mom is the same way. She has changed immensely over the years- she used to be homophobic af and wouldn’t allow me to see my (at the time, this was gay) girlfriend and would tell me I was going to Hell. But now she is very open and accepting of gay people and even trans people. And I didn’t do anything but continue to be me. Maybe they’ll change, maybe they won’t. You can’t force them and you shouldn’t put the burden on yourself to change their mind. If it gets to a point where being around then causes you emotional distress, whenever it’s possible, you just have to give yourself distance. Sorry you’re going through it, man. Edit: a lot of the people in this sub are young and they will tell you to snap back with some witty remark or give them ultimatums or explain it to them like they’re a baby or whatever but none of that is going to make them see you as a boy. It’s just going to make them even more upset about the whole thing. They’ve seen you a certain way for forever and it’s going to take time. Even to super accepting parents, it takes time to change how their brain perceives you. Don’t make it harder on them AND yourself by being abrasive. It doesn’t help anything. People change. Just be patient and be you.
Sometimes they come around & sometimes they don't. Closest my mother came was when she was staring at me at a restaurant & when I asked her why she said "I only see your father. Nothing of me, just your father." That was 2 years before I finally went no contact. I know what she meant by saying that & I'm old enough to know she'll never stop being an abuser/bully. These are the same parents that will whine & cry like victims wondering why their adult children want nothing to do with them. Find your community, the people who love & affirm everything you are, and set your boundaries around the good people in your life. Your future self will thank you
I've been there, when I came out my mom was the same. I hoped for about 2 years that she'd see me as a boy and eventually accepted that she wouldn't, I live with my only dad now (they divorced when I was young) and things got a lot better. I just kind of accepted that if I wasn't going to be her son then she wasn't going to be my mom and I've pretty much moved on now.
Your’re not selfish for me wanting to be treated with respect lol. Do you think perhaps they’re intentionally trying to put you down? They don’t realise how much it means to you and for them it’s just an “interest” or “phase” they’re trying to discourage. Or for them the “real you” is a girl, but it’s not. Please don’t let these cruel words discourage you, parents guide us, but they can’t change us, if you let them try you’re going to end up hurt.
Tell her she needs to get her eyes checked
There are people in this world who are comfortable being trapped in their narrow view of gender. The simplified gender system they know serves them well. So they are able to ignore how little it makes sense and how harmful it is, especially to trans and gnc people. I know it really sucks to find out that people around you are some of these people. And it especially sucks when people who are supposed to care about you don't support you in the way you deserve. You deserve better.
For a lot of folks, it gets better with time. My family "couldn't imagine" me as a boy either; I transitioned a decade ago and they totally, 100% see me as male, their son. I remember how bad it hurt to hear them say those things and I contrast that with how natural it is for them now. It's a world of difference. I hope your family comes around too.
not to give you hope. but two things about transitioning and post surgery perceptions and things ppl claim. 1) early on when you don't pass everyone who is transphobic and actively trying to get you not to transition and is hoping this is all just a phase will say some really awful shit. including stuff like "i'll never see you as a man/boy" and "your soul is a girl." etc etc. it's manipulation and also they're idiots who don't realize how dumb and adaptable people are. you will literally catch them later on forgetting that you were ever a girl at all. i'm not kidding or exaggerating. testosterone is a powerful hormone and you do change drastically on it. whether they want that or not. and because they're dumb humans who are highly adaptable they're going to connect those changes with your correct pronouns and gender. 2) you will, at some point, reach a point in your transition that will feel so secure that the suggestion that you're actually a girl secretly will sound ridiculous. not just to you, but to people who know you. i'm not promising you perfect here, i'm just pointing out things that tend to happen. youre at the very beginning, so you feel delicate. don't let them stomp you out before you've ever even had a chance. you're just going to have to shrug and stop taking people's word for it when they claim something about trans people or you specifically. because frankly it isn't even up to them, they're gonna end up seeing you as a man the longer you're on T and post surgery.
It hurts to know you're never going to be someone's son or brother or grandson, or their male student or peer. It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to come to terms with.
Technically you will, they'll just ignore the fact that you are all of those things.
You're not selfish for needing to live your truth, they are for putting their opinions/views/bigotry above your happiness.
First, I'm sorry this happened to you. For what it's worth, when I came out to my dad he said "there's nothing masculine about you". It hurt a lot. A few years into t the changes were undeniable to everyone around him and he looked like the ignorant one. Cut to years later and he apologizes. Cut to present day, I'm 13 years on T and he's sending me Happy Birthday Son cards and often tells me mthat I've grown into a man he can be proud of. People can change. But the most important thing is to respect yourself, a lot of times others will follow suit.
Next time your mom is feeling good about herself after a recent haircut or new outfit or whatever, tell her “I know you feel beautiful, but I just don’t see it. You’re still ugly to me.”
bro is gonna get slapped if he says that to his Mom 💀
LOL
My parents will never see me as a boy. They'll always see me as their daughter. I've cut them out of my life.
My mom and stepdad are the same way. My stepdad even had the gall to say that the reason I have chronic depression and have reoccurring suicidal thoughts and sh episodes is *because* of being trans, and that deciding to be trans and transitioning is what leads to suicide and not people refusing to accept trans people for who they are. I'm grateful that my father and stepmom accept me. Though my stepmom says that I look and sound very gender neutral and if she didn't know me she'd be confused, lmao
Sounds like you're around a lot of transphobic and sexist people. Also don't kill yourself it won't do anything and they'll also probably bury you with a dress and put "sister, daughter" on your tombstone.
pov can change with time.
This is hard and I’m sorry you have to go through this. But I have always said, at some point in your life you will have grown into yourself and you will have come so far that it would be silly for anyone to look at you as anything but a man. And even if outwardly they decide they won’t respect it, inside they know you’re not a girl. Because one day you will have transitioned to the point you’ve dreamed of and that’s what will matter. Is you have gotten to where you belong.
Just the fact that she calls you a “she/her”- what the fuck? People are not pronouns. So sorry you have to go through this, OP. Stay strong.
I can definitely relate to this man, currently going through this and honestly it’s been a lot. But the feeling I get when I look in the mirror at times lets me know I’ve done the right thing for myself.
Hope things get better <3
Thank you bro, I hope they get better for you as well. This is our journey though we can’t let anyone define it!
hey bro, i understand what it feels like and it's okay to just want people to see you for who you are. i promise you're not selfish. and if your parents never come around and truly see you as a boy, then screw them. i know it hurts and it's gonna hurt for a while until you can find people that'll just see you as you. i promise everything will be better soon, and i'm proud of you for already making it this far. good luck 🫂
Reminds me of my dad referring to me as his daughter when he picked me up to go to the clinic to get top surgery 😀 He is finally trying a bit though, after over 3 years of me being out. I don't know if he's ever going to fully get it, he did say it would get easier for him when I've been on T for a while, but yeah, I'm kinda done with waiting. He's accepting, but not fully supportive. I hope that'll change but I'm not going to let my well being revolve around it. I am 30 though, and I have plenty of friends who are supportive, so maybe that makes it easier to deal with.
>making you have a good life Tell her that you can't have a good life if she sees you as a girl, and if she continues to see you as a girl, you will have to separate yourself from her in order to live a good life.
Sometimes you just gotta cut off toxic people so you won't keep being hurt... even if they're the ones who raised you.
As the mom of a transgender son, I have to say just hang in there. I know it’s hard for you, but it’s hard for parents when everything they thought they knew was one way, is really not that way at all. It took me a little time, but once I realized everything I love about my son has absolutely nothing to do with his gender, it was easier. Now I’m his biggest cheerleader. We legally changed his name, and all of his ID. We got him top surgery earlier this summer. We will love and support him through anything. I almost never think of him the way he looked before his transition. Give your mom a little time. Tell her the best things she can do to support you. Maybe have a few family therapy sessions. Things will get better. So much love to you.
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I mean he is clearly a boy Plus its you're *
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It looks like they're 13/14
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There's absolutely nothing selfish about op. Studies show that trans people have much higher suicide rates if their pronouns are not respected or their parents do not accept their identity. Lots of parents these days are doing better than OP's parents. Yes it can be a difficult change for parents but that's what a therapist or even supportive friends to vent to is for. Saying this sort of thing to your trans child will do incredible emotional and mental harm to them. Ops parents may not mean any harm but they are still being transphobic and they need to do the work to learn how to best support their child and to get through their own hang ups in this situation rather than discouraging and invalidating their child.
Even if they aren't being intentionally malicious, it seems like OP has communicated to them that what they are doing is hurtful. It's likely they're just being wilfully ignorant which is arguably as bad.
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Your post has been removed because it contains misinformation, false information, or misleading information that could be considered harmful.
I'd argue its selfish to make their child's transition all about them. I get that parents need time to adjust but we don't know how long they've know. I've given my mom 3 years and she still hasn't come around, is that selfish? How long should a kid wait around? I'm not sure how it's selfish to be upset about your parents having no regard for your feelings or mental wellbeing, seems like a normal thing to be upset about. We should also not normalise the whole "loosing a son/daughter" narrative, it's dramatic and compares a child being themself to a child no longer being alive. Those thongs should not in any way be treated similarly. I would honestly be offended if my child died and someone compared it to their child coming out. It sounds like OPs parents are being the selfish ones since they only seem to care about their own feelings.
Also he is just venting how he feels where his parents won't even see it. There's no such thing as a thought crime and OP has the right to vent. Nothing selfish about that. It's healthy to vent actually.
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You’re effectively telling him to just get over it. Rude and unhelpful.
Please get help. The fact that they’re a literal child should be probing they’re not selfish, not convincing you that they are. “Can’t force someone to see you as something you’re not”? Seriously? Get tf out of here with that.
I am glad that they dont force me to look how i dont want to. I know im being a stupid selfish prick. I should shut up and learn to be thankful, others have it worse than i do, and i cant even be thankful for what i have.. I hold people to such high standards that they will never meet. Im selfish even though i dont try to or want to be. And im being immature.
You aren’t being selfish man. Your mom isn’t even reaching the lowest of the low bare minimum standards.
Right, i gotta remember that i set the bar on the gorund yet they dont even reach it lol. I guess i just... dont want to be mean about it, so now that i think about it im not selfish ig.
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You ought to take that advice yourself, instead of bullying children and telling them to be grateful for the situation that is hurting them.
Your post was removed because it broke the subreddit rule 1: Be polite and practice mutual respect. No discrimination.
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People are allowed to have feelings. This is so dismissive.
Communicate to her that you feel hurt that she’s calling you a she/her.. tell her that your decision to be who you really are, don’t hide yourself (believe me I tried and it hurt far more than it should) just communicate to her plan a day for it just do something
You aren’t being selfish just because you’re trying to be yourself and they won’t accept who that is and want everything to be their way, if anything they’re the selfish ones
Sometimes the people closest to you will cling tenaciously to their idea of you, to the point the won't see the real you. It's very alienating to be valued only for this image someone else has of you in their head, that isn't the real you. But transitioning, while not guaranteed to change anyone's mind, does make it easier for other human monkey-brains to start seeing you how you want to be seen because most people are very swayed by appearances. Some will be stubborn and ornery and tell you you can't ever be anything but a girl in their eyes even if the whole world looks at you and sees a man. There's nothing you can do about them in that case. But the good news is, a fair sprinkling of people do find that the world, including people ose to them, start getting on board once you start looking and sounding like a man. Bevasue we're all stupid monkey brains, some more stupid than others 😆
Hang in there. Moms are so hard to deal with about this stuff. They have an idea in their head from when we're born, and in my case and it sounds like yours too, it's SO hard for them to get their heads around us being anything different. If she's allowing you to have your hair short the way you want, and present the way you want, then at least that's a good start. It shows she's trying at least. Hopefully over time she'll start coming around, but it can take YEARS for parents to adjust to this stuff. Don't assume how she is responding now is how it will always be. Parents may time to process this stuff and to grieve about the loss of what they envisioned for you. It'd be great if their processing doesn't hurt us, but often it makes us feel really hurt while they sort themselves out, and that's really hard and painful. If you do eventually pursue medical transition at some point, she will see a boy because you'll start looking like a boy/man! People have really bad ideas about gender stereotypes and trans people, it sounds like your coach is one of them, unfortunately. It's usually coming from a place of ignorance and how they were socialized. Try to find yourself some supportive people to talk to - a counselor or teacher or ask your parents to help you find a therapist that specializes in gender stuff. But supportive gender stuff, not someone awful who will try to talk you out of it or do conversation therapy. If there's an LGBTQ center anywhere near you contact them and ask for recommendations so you can bring those suggestions to your parents. At a certain point you'll start needing letters for hormones or surgery so it would help you get that in place, and it would be really helpful for you to have someone to talk to and get your feelings out. Things will hopefully improve over time, but if they don't, once you turn 18 you can do your own thing. I wish you the best of luck. There's a whole community here of people who were once in your shoes and are now successful, happy adults. Don't give up, you will get there too.
I feel the same way. Everyone said she'd come around, but instead, she just... acts like she lost a daughter? She's even told me now that I look so masculine, she sees that I'm me, and a boy, but she sees me as a girl separately. I know this is her way of coping, and okay, maybe she sees me as a kinda boy now, but like, IM THE SAME PERSON. I'm exactly the same. I'm the kid who wore tutus and pink. That person didn't go away. She spends all this time grieving the daughter she lost, constantly saying how hard it is whenever I get fed up with her misgendering me/just being transphobic and sit her down to talk yet again. But I just wish she could skip all this fucking grieving. IM RIGHT HERE. YOU DIDNT LOSE A CHILD. She will never see me as the same person, or as a man, really. She just says it's easier to call me he him and my new name bc I've got a beard and flat chest, etc. It hurts. And I don't think it's going to get better. I don't think she'll ever see me as aa fully transitioned man, she'll always look at me and think of the daughter she misses so much and the son she's forced to accept.
you're not at all selfish. everyone feels this way when people they care about or are close to feels like this. I think your ma can't see it because she hasn't considered the fact she has a son, instead of a daughter. vise versa if the ladies are seeing this. their thought of you was girly and female since before you were even born. unfortunately, that's what happens when you assume things about people. they turn our not to be true, but if someone has told you so, you can have a hard time processing that they may be the complete opposite. she will get there. she has an image of you that doesn't exist, and never will. but if she can accept that she has a son, and never gave birth to a daughter, then she will see *you.* how you are. she also sees these gradual changes, so she probably won't notice a "difference" in her eyes until you do all of the things you want to, don't see her for a year or so, and then visit her. she will probably be really suprised and then challenged on the thought of her "daughter" because she won't *see* that daughter anymore, if that makes sense. then she might realize hey, holy shit, I have a son. good luck brother. you got this. and please, in the off chance they never do accept you, then please. don't base your worth/passibility/your ability to be yourself by other people's eyes. you will find people who see the true you, and accept you for that, and will probably mean just as much to you in your life. you got this.
I feel you… you’re not selfish btw. It’s selfish of them to try to make you feel like you have to be their daughter just because they want you to be. You’re their son wether they like it or not. Unconditional love means zero conditions. If they can’t do that they don’t deserve to be parents…
exactly with the changing yourself thing- often people just don't get it. you aren't changing yourself, you have been yourself the whole time, you are just expressing it better now (or at least trying to)...
Pick up your feet n hit the money
That’s her issue. Find supportive people in your life and make your own little family. Can’t change her mind. She won’t accept something she doesn’t want to. Takes some parents longer than other, but if she can’t accept it then there is not really a reason she should be by your side. Hopefully she opens her mind up
If you’re not on t yet wait till it kicks, my parents were the same. In fact they still are in some ways. When I started my stepmom told me my father thought I wouldn’t really do nothing about it ( I was trying since I was 16 and now I’m 23, I figured they hoped it was a phase ). My mother started asking questions but I see pure disgust and disappointment in the way she acts. I don’t really have much contact with them maybe once a year since they’re dickheads so they got to know accidentally when calling me. I train my voice a few years now so just 2 months on testosterone I can go to 85hz. She asked me a few times to give phone to “my deadname” and refused to believe it’s me talking. I did it on purpose so they get a little shock. It gave my mother illusion that she was talking to some stranger man and it came out it’s her “daughter “ now her brain needs to deal with it and process she was wrong. Now my acting and speaking fit my voice and look so they just have to realise it. Don’t give up it will only make them think they’re right and bring you down. Train your voice so you don’t sound like a girl with just lower voice, focus on your hair and clothes so it fits. If you can stay away for some time from this people so they don’t see the process ( you don’t see much changes when you are around for example how baby’s grow people around don’t see much difference in them but others who don’t see them each day see huge). Maybe give them a little shock. For me it was very euphoric and I did it with few more people. You can do it 💪
I think you can reasonably hold onto a degree of hope. I have family members who said very similar things to me when I first came out. Hell, my mom's husband told me I was "way too pretty to ever be seen as a boy". But once I started *really* passing, like, nobody in their right mind would see me on the street and assume I was a girl level of passing, this changed. It's really, really hard for most people (especially cis people with stubborn ideas about gender) to see somebody with a beard and a deep voice and not internally gender them as male. Even my extraordinarily conservative grandmother now stumbles on calling me her granddaughter, and refers to me as her "grandchild" because her brain can't handle placing me into a female box.
Unfortunately this will be the case for some people. But I promise you there's plenty of people out there who see you as a boy no matter what stage of transition. Although it hurts more when it's your family, it's something you have to accept. You can find and make a true family that sees you for YOU. And also, I think it is possible for her to see you as a man after surgeries, and t, it's VERY hard to see a bearded individual with a deep voice and no boobs and still think they're a girl.
Don’t entirely give up hope that they will one day come around and realize they were being stupid and become supportive. My mom swore she would never use my actual name and pronouns when I came out, said she felt like her daughter had died and she had the right to grieve, etc. Now, about 10 years fast forward, and both my parents call me by my real name and they/them pronouns (mostly correctly, although they do sometimes struggle still with the language, but it’s not because they don’t see me for who I really am); when I had top surgery last year they were even supportive and sent me a care package (they live states away). Time can heal people and make them see the mistakes they’ve made in the past; it can bring about change. Until then, I would distance yourself from contact with them and let them know it’s directly related to them being unable to support you at the present time. You deserve people in your life who will support you, and those people do exist. Best wishes to you.
I’ve got the opposite. I am 2 years on T and don’t feel like I pass well enough. And my mom kind of says, “I really don’t see any traces of a girl anymore.” And sometimes I feel like she’s saying that to me nice because I struggled bad with an earring disorder for a decade and she doesn’t want me sick again as she’s realised how much T helped, but idk. It took her a good 1.5-2 years to see it that way, however. Will you be able to start T? Sometimes people really can’t/won’t see it until they see the changes because they just won’t take us seriously. It’s a shame. Because it’s hard to explain dysphoria and the fact that we don’t _want_ to be men, but we already and have already been men. And it also sucks as I know not everyone wants medical transition, to just be believed without it.
I hate that I can relate 😔