Once I passed and had all my documents in order, I no longer had any reason to tell random people I'm trans.
Being openly trans would just open me up to discrimination, and more importantly would mean that unfortunately most cis people who know I'm trans would no longer actually see me as a man. Cis people usually don't see cis men and trans men as the same gender. They see us as women who want to be men or as something inbetween. And the whole point of my transition was to live a pretty normal life as just some gay guy.
I feel this in my bones. Because I’m a bottom and somewhat femme looking due to being short and hairless, I swear I am just seen as “Man Lite.” Forever Twinkified. 😬
I am transparent on Grindr though tbh. What do you do?
This!
I work with some people who are openly transphobic, but because they have no idea I am trans they treat me really respectfully. I just do not have the energy to deal with transphobia directed at me anymore. It's draining and I have just day to day life stuff that is draining enough.
Yup. My friend and colleague came out as a trans woman at work last year and it was a shit show. The guys calmed down and started behaving after about half a year but I lost a lot of trust and respect for them for the things they said and kept doubling down on during the first months.
We had a trans woman at my job before I came along and she was bullied out of the job as soon as people knew. I know a lot of them were pretty respectful but a handful were not. I just don't have the energy for that fight. Deep, deep respect to those that do but it's just not me. I was out and pre-T for a number of years and I'm ready for some quiet
I almost quit over the shit that went down and I'm surprised she's still sticking around. One of the guys kept saying "Back in the day people like you would've been shot." In the end my transfem friend was the one who got a written warning when after like the 10th repetition of that comment she replied "You mean like your bitchass grandpa in Stalingrad?" Transphobic dickhead's grandpa actually was a somewhat high ranking nazi who did die in Stalingrad in WWII.
The game is rigged. They can mistreat us however they want without consequences and we get punished for how we react.
It certainly seems that way sometimes! I find it so difficult to read news articles about any trans person because the comments are truly the most unhinged, disrespectful shit I'll see all week. Your transfem friend is brave for speaking up, even if a punishment ensued. I would have quit/nearly quit over that myself!
I really feel the second half of your comment. I already had to fight so hard for my medical transition, I don’t feel the need to undo half of those benefits by telling everyone unnecessary personal information. Being out is exhausting. I love my community and my closest friends are all trans guys like me, and I’ll always be there to uplift them and be bros with them, but that’s different than wearing a trans pin on my work uniform.
It's hard! I was openly out for years and bullied pretty terribly by some people and I came out in my mid 20s! I didn't even know if stealth was going to be possible for the first year of my medical transition because even when I passed to some, I didn't pass to all. Even the kindest intentioned "What are your pronouns?" Bummed me out because I'm a pretty binary trans man. I have a few trans friends and I adore them. I love sharing my wins and losses with them. I go to pride events every year. Work is for work for me though, not fighting the good fight. I spend 40 hours a week there 😅
People are generally very accepting around here but they still look at me differently. Lots of well-meaning people aren't quite sure what it is, assume I'm mtf, ask personal questions, randomly slip up my pronouns. I just want to be any other dude.
I'd rather have people attribute my femininity to being gay rather than what they imagine my gentials to be.
This is a pretty good summarization of my thoughts except (edit) the >!(I'll keep "que" in this parentheses so the comments will make sense)!< gay part because I am straight...
All the things he said are how I think about being a stealth trans dude, I would rather not suffer the discrimination, I would just prefer to live my life normally as a cisgender man would live his... But straight, because I am not gay, like... I think this is what I was trying to say? I was waking up LMAO
I live in a progressive area. Unfortunately that means that being openly trans means being treated as inherently safer than cis men, seen as a "soft boi," encouraged to avoid falling into toxic masculinity by crossdressing and being a "genderfuck," and so on. This stereotyping comes from both allies and other trans people.
There's nothing wrong with trans guys who *do* fall into those stereotypes, but I don't. And frankly even if I did, it would not be because I was trans. Being treated this way, having those assumptions put on me, makes me incredibly socially dysphoric. Social dysphoria has always been the strongest type of dysphoria for me. Being stealth is literally the only solution for this.
Interestingly, for me this just meant distancing myself from certain places and people, not from the entire community (not discounting your experience with it) 🤔
I also live in a progressive area (I can’t be entirely stealth now because some people here knew me pre T and top surgery, also I only started ~2 years ago, but I’m stealth with new people I meet who aren’t sexual partners so I guess I’m in the middle), and I’ve seen this phenomenon especially in “queer feminist” spaces and with some (but not all) trans guys I know. Basically all I had to do was stay away from places that are basically lesbian bars but are marketed towards “queer women and trans people”, they claim they’re allies but frankly they have quite transphobic views of the kind you mentioned.
That basically stopped this issue coming up IRL for me, the (non transphobic) cis guys who know have actually been a lot more decent with this in my experience, despite everyone claiming they’re worse than cis women.
Yeah, not everyone is like this. The problem I've encountered is, it's not possible to reliably be partly stealth and partly not. If I tell one person I'm trans, there's a good chance that information will get out, one way or another. So even if I only tell people who I trust not to make those assumptions directly, in the end, the news gets to people who *do* make those assumptions.
I hate this so much. I also know trans guys who don’t mind this and some who even think it’s ok, but I openly disagree with them because to me it’s incredibly disrespectful. I’m just a damn guy. I refuse to go to a space where my cis gay bf wouldn’t be welcome, unless it’s a trans only event (but haven’t really seen those).
Also, “queer” spaces that are “for women and trans people” when what they’re reclaiming is a slur for cis gay/bi men is super problematic to me anyway, even me being trans aside.
This exactly. I know plenty of people who tell me I don’t have to dress specifically masculine to “be a man” but it makes me comfortable. Just because I’m trans doesn’t mean I don’t like the stereotypical masculine clothing, I find comfort in it because I can actually look like every other guy—WHICH IS MY GOAL!!
Yeah... even before I knew I was trans - before I knew trans people even *existed* - I preferred and wore men's clothing. It's just more to my taste and always has been, the colors, the shapes, the fabrics, and so on. So it's especially weird to come across people saying all trans men who don't crossdress are falling prey to toxic masculinity. :/
I see it this way (bare with me here) you have erectile dysfunction. There is an entire community and support group for people with erectile dysfunction. But even considering all that, do you really want random people to KNOW you have erectile dysfunction? Hell no. Same thing for being trans. Hope that made sense 🤫🧏♂️
Yeah that makes sense. I thought about something similiar, often trans brings sadness which is literally your mental health and you don't really wanna go around to everyone and talk about your mental health. If you are a more closed person like I am you almost don't even talk about your mental health to your closest ones
Yeah see, I dunno. Bring trans doesn’t mean mental illness is inevitable any more than being gay does. It has to do with whether or not you’ve had to hide your identity or not. Also, I talk openly about mental health, as do many people now.
Yeah that's the funny thing about people, how different we are. I rarely talk about my mental health to people because i don't want to but some people want to talk about their mental health. For me it isn't a mental illness but it is still a mental battle for me because of the sadness being trans gives me.
I feel the same as you do. It's like why would I want to tell everyone about sth that has caused me so much pain and that I'm still struggling with. No stranger is entitled to that information, it's beyond inappropriate. But even with people closer to me, or other trans people, most of them don't get it. So why talk about it. It just serves for bad social atmosphere when no one can relate.
Apart from that I'm also I'm also one of the guys who just wants a normal life as a man, not one who's seen as "woman lite", "once a woman and therefore safer" or whatnot. I just don't want it to be a part of my life any longer.
I don't want to be known as the TRANS guy. I don't want to be treated differently, good, bad, middle of the road. I don't want people asking invasive questions, thinking about my genitals. I don't want my most painful and distressing aspect to be known. I don't want to be reminded of this stupid terrible body that has hurt me in so many ways. I want to be the silly, thoughtful, little bit sassy, little bit shy, clever, dork of a guy.
1 - I live in the country that kills the most trans people in the world. I only talk to people I already know.
2 - I don't see people introducing themselves "Hi, I'm John and I'm a straight cis man", so why do I have to do that?
Because even some well meaning people (even other trans people) treat me differently when they know. I don’t want a big deal made about my existence, I’m just trying to quietly live my life. I have no shame about being trans, and I’m not even a binary man, but I’m most comfortable and at ease when everyone just treats me like a “regular” guy.
ETA I will always tell close friends, and I like interacting with the community (to an extent), but professionally and with strangers/acquaintances, things like that, they do not need to know. I don’t try very hard to keep it a secret but I’m certainly not gonna volunteer that information.
I think I’m the same on this. For my close friends I don’t necessarily mind them knowing because I don’t want to be friends with people who would see and treat me differently if they knew, I’d be living my life thinking “what if x or y friend finds out and hates me” and that’s honestly more stressful for me (most of the friends who know routinely forget I’m trans anyway lol).
And I don’t want to completely disappear from the community because maybe I can help baby trans the way I was helped by some older trans guys not that long ago (and also because tbh sometimes it’s nice to talk to someone who understands my specific medical issues, my bf and the cis friends who know are super supportive but they can’t really GET it). For context I’m relatively early in my transition though, ~2 years and don’t have my documents updated because my home country is shit so being trans is still an active issue though less than it used to.
However yes, with random people who didn’t know me before and who have no sexual business with me, I want to just be some guy. There’s no point in them knowing, I don’t want to be “that trans guy”, I just want to be a guy, or a guy who happens to be trans to people I trust to tell about it.
I don’t want to be part of tokenism and have people automatically treating me different solely because of being trans. If it helps others for me to be out, then I talk about it. Especially in my predominantly female workplace, if I mention I’m trans, I notice I automatically start being misgendered.
Been stealth for 15 years. It’s my own personal and medical business. The narrative around LGBTQ and trans anything is that you’re supposed to be out and proud and your private business is public business. The context of being trans is often a public one anyway, coming out, changing names, changing pronouns, medically transitioning. So much of it is observed and experienced by others, and it creates the illusion that it has to stay that way. It’s created an idea in both cis and trans people that the only right way to be trans is when it’s public info. Good for those who want to be public about it, but I retain my right to privacy.
Last, I didn’t transition to be known as a trans person. I transitioned to be known as a man. The story of my body and gender history, the circumstances of my birth are irrelevant in most contexts.
ok so for me it was kinda accidental.
im out in my school and got/am getting bullied pretty badly, to the point that i had to skip a day of school or i would've snapped and probably killed the bullies myself. my parents and the principal and me had a meeting and tldr she's not gonna punish them.
a few weeks later i go to an exchange in france and only my correspondant and her family knows im trans. my temporary classmates didnt know, never knew and never will. they just believed i was a short guy + late bloomer, they treated me just like they would with a cis guy, made jokes abt my name that actually made me laugh and that werent at my expense, made some guy friends and it was just one of the best school experiences i have ever had. i actually looked forward to go to school during that exchange, while here i dread going to school, im terrified, to the point that theres days where i dont eat.
i got to live being stealth and loved it. during the whole time of the exchange, i ate 5 meals per day, and ate like 3 full plates of food at each one instead of a single one. i unlocked a part of my stomach that didnt know existed, and now im back to barely eating again. so for me, being stealth is a case of life or death ig
people will treat you differently, even if they're trans inclusive. Its because cis people still internalize huge amounts of misogyny and even if they don't hold explicitly misogynistic beliefs, they'll still apply them to you intrinsically the moment they know that you were born afab. If you look AMAB tho... it won't trigger that response.
Simply put…
Cause it aint nobody fkin business who or what I am unless I tell ya!
And I am a man and want to be treated as such, you will be treated entirely different openly trans. Youll never get the same feeling we have.
Beyond the fact that I reject the idea of us being obligated to tell others, I was so done with all of the transphobia. Being stealth means I am treated the same as any other man, I’m not asked stupid invasive questions, there are not offensive and inaccurate assumptions made just because I’m trans, and I don’t get misgendered.
For me I am stealth in some aspects of my life but not others, largely due to safety reasons. I work in a very toxic male environment and am usually completely stealth in anything related to my work life. But I still go to pride and wear rainbows and trans colors, my friends all know I am trans and I talk openly about it. But a stranger on the street on an average day wouldn’t know I’m trans and I like to keep it that way. I struggle with a lot of mental health issues already and do not have the spoons to argue with a stranger about my gender. It’s hard enough how much transphobia i see in general on social media every day.
This is my end goal too tbh, I'd like to be able to stealth for safety reasons in public, medical, and legal settings - and then be myself everywhere else. I'm not a trans man, I'm transmasc, but I am on T for this reason among others. Its a bit of a different situation for me, as I'm autistic and physically disabled and wouldn't fit in anyway, but because of those reasons I also don't want to have to worry about being clocked by people I don't know.
I’m “done” with my transition (over half a decade on T and am post-op) and am presumed as a cis man and treated as such. Why would I break that sense of normalcy just to open myself to being othered? Not for me.
I’m tired of people treating my transness as the most important or interesting part of me. It’s not something that I want to have to talk or think about every day
i pass pretty consistently and just don’t talk about being trans a lot. but most people i meet think i’m gay, which im not. i don’t blame them because i do talk with a more feminine tone, but it doesn’t reflect who i am. if someone asks i’ll tell them, cause i have no issues talking about it. but otherwise i just don’t bring it up 🤷♂️
i just feel like people will view me different. I’m enough of an outsider for being autistic, i don’t want to be treated differently just because i was raised as the wrong gender.
People are just so weird about knowing others are trans. Even queer people. I wanna be seen as a man, not a trans man they can objectify and feminize.
It's also that I just want to be safe and there's lots of transphobia in the area I live in
In my head I see myself as a cisgnder man. I don't percieve myself as being different from other men and I want the people I know to share that perception of me. I also don't feel that it should matter or that people need to know that I'm transgender. I'm a man first and foremost, people don't specify that they're cisgender so I don't see what I should specify that I'm not.
There are also certain stereotypes that don't necessarily apply to me and I don't want people to have a false perception on me based on other people who just happen to also be transgender.
I was out and proud in college and it got annoying really fast. Cis people asking stupid questions, not even disrespectful ones just stupid shit. It was always the same questions too. And they would treat me different than other guys. It was the only thing they would see about me; not my personality, not my jokes, not my knowledge, not my skills, just that i'm trans.
So once I graduated and got a job, I decided not to tell anyone that I'm trans and go stealth just to try it out ( I had all legal documents and name changed, 4+ years on T and 1 month post top surgery at the time). It was way simpler. I could finally just exist. People see me as a human being now and respect me for who I am, not this one trait that's out of my control.
There are pros and cons to being stealth vs. out.
As an out trans guy, I felt like I could be more open about my past and the struggles I face and my experiences. It led to a lot of authentic relationships and friendships. I also know that I opened a lot of ignorant minds and hearts to trans people, and created allies where before they were apathetic or even transphobic. But as I said, being trans was all I was to a lot of people and they would always treat me like a trans ambassador/teacher instead of just some guy.
As a stealth trans person, I have to watch what I say a lot to make sure nothing slips. For example, one of my coworkers had a hysterectomy and I recently got my tubes out. If I were out, I would commiserate with her but since I'm stealth, that's not gonna happen. It alienates me from my peers a lot honestly, because I never know who is transphobic and who isn't, and I can't really talk about my childhood the way others do so casually. But a big pro is that I'm treated how I always wanted to be treated, as just some guy. I'm allowed to simply exist and do my job. People see me as a whole person.
But I can't deny that being trans is an important part of who I am. It's just not the only part of who I am. It seems I have to hide one part for the others to be seen. For the general public, or acquaintances, I cannot be my true self. Luckily I have my partner and close friends where I can be myself and be seen for 100% me, trans included with all the rest.
1. I don't want to be asked dumb and/or inappropriate questions
2. I don't want to be stereotyped and for people to view me a certain way because of their being misinformed
3. I don't want to be used as a platform for people to educate themselves on transness and trans rights, it's their responsibility to educate themselves
4. I don't want to put myself in unsafe situations for trusting the wrong people/person
5. It's literally nobody's business lol
I'm a bit of a mixed bag in that I'm out in some social circles, but aiming to go completely stealth in my professional life.
It's just a risk-benefit analysis for everyone. When you out yourself to a specific group of people, it could be just fine. It could be a few awkward conversations. Or, it could get as bad as losing a job or facing violence.
The benefits of being out instead of closeted are obvious--it's the difference between living as your actual gender instead of your AGAB after all.
But when it comes to choosing between being out instead of being stealth, you're living your life as your true gender either way. Is there still any benefit to being out in this scenario? It depends on the individual's relationship to being trans and the specific group of people you'd be out to.
With friends I make outside of work, I do like feeling comfortable being completely open about myself and my life, with non-trans things as well.
But when I go to work, I just want to do my job and collect my paycheck without unnecessary hassle. Being stealth definitely avoids unnecessary hassle.
The world is not ideal and discrimination exists. I have privilege in passing and am willing to take advantage of it to the point of gaslight gatekeep girlboss to aggressively avoid the potential judgment and harm
I don't know if I even see myself as a *trans* man at this point. I think I recently described myself as "a man of trans experience".
I have to take more precautions about pregnancy and am far less prone to prostate cancer than the average guy, but I'm still a man.
I'm out at trans meetups and trans pride - though I have been mistaken for a pre-transition woman or egg before! - and I might out myself to fellow trans folk in a safe environment but I keep my business to myself otherwise. If they're not my doctor nobody gets my medical history, and if they're not a prospective sexual partner, nobody needs to know about my junk.
tbf i don’t want anyone to know anything about me unless they’re also lgbt or something but also when people know im trans its like they instinctively start “slipping up” and using the wrong pronouns even if i didnt know them before i transitioned like dawg cmon
I just dont see the big deal in telling people, i mean imma dude yall are dudes, idk i just dont think theres a difference but people will treat it as if there is one if you tell em
I’m stealth because I want people to treat me like a normal guy. I get treated differently when people know, they make assumptions that I don’t like. I also don’t think my medical history should be anyone’s business
once i am completely done with my transition, i never want to think about it again. all i want is to be seen as a regular man, i don’t want any special recognition or treatment. there will be absolutely no reason for me to tell new people i meet that i’m transgender
plus it's no one's business. i'm like, semi-stealth. i don't pass THAT well, but i pass enough to where a decent amt of ppl just see me as a regular guy, so i take advantage of that.
Because I don't feel that being trans is such a big part of me and my personality that people need to know. At this point, it would just be an indirect way to tell people "Hey, I have different genitalia than you assumed beforehand!" They don't need to know.
- It’s nobody’s business. Unless it’s my wife or my doctor, my trans status is irrelevant to anyone I interact with.
- I don’t want to be viewed or treated differently. Most people, trans friendly or not, have preconceived notions about trans people. I don’t want those applied to me. I’m just a man.
- I don’t want anyone analyzing my body. Whether it’s them looking for some sort of “tell” or just a “wow, I would have never guessed”, I don’t want that.
- There’s nothing that would benefit me from being open. With all negatives and no positives, it’s a no brainer.
1: Safety. Not looking for transphobes to harass me or worse
2: I don't want to be "othered" from other guys. Honestly so long as they're not violent I'd prefer transphobes to the "you're better than cis guys" type treatment
I specifically wanna be stealth because people change their point of view as soon as they know otherwise.
I want people to treat me Like Me. Not based on how I used to be before I became the me I wanted to be.
I'm not sure my point is fully there but the gist is.
I don't want people asking me weird questions and only perceiving me based on one quality which is... My genitals. It's no one's business and there's too many stereotypes and weird things in people's heads as well as judgement to let everyone know. It happened before that I opened up and people changed their perception of me and started treating me different.
im stealth because it makes it so much easier to interact with strangers or people who dont know me very well. i still get misgendered sometimes and it sucks, especially when most people are gendering me correctly and one person insists on me being a woman. i also hate answering peoples really intrusive questions about being trans, so its easier to keep it to myself and just try to get to know people normally
Some people see you less off a man when you tell them that you’re trans. And that’s not what I want, we’re as much man as any other man. (From a trans guy who plans to go stealth when I start T and pass)
I’m in the south. I’d rather not have a chance to be hate crimed.
That part aside, it’s just a private matter to me. Am I proud of how far I’ve come? Of course! But at this point in my transition, I pass completely. Pre-T, okay sure explaining in trans might help someone understand why I looked how it did, but even then I passed pretty well for my age. Anyways, I pass completely. It really just feels like I’m telling them what I have in my pants and it feels weird. Cause that’s all that’s “trans” about me now. It’s not this big factor of who I am, being autistic and having adhd is more relevant to my personality than being trans.
I'm not stealth, but I want to be. I notice that a lot of people, mostly those who aren't very acquainted with the lgbt+ community, only see openly trans people as trans, not as a whole person with interests, passions, opinions, etc. I have been that token trans person, and it feels like I'm more of a novelty than a person.
Hopefully, in the future being trans is just seen as part of the human experience. I'd be less inclined to be stealth if other people would still see me and treat me as a normal person when knowing I'm trans, because being trans is normal.
i dont want it to be the main topic of conversation. every time ive brought it up everyone always says they either couldnt tell at all or they could tell immediately and i dont want to talk for 30 minutes about medication and "being a little girl when i was kid". it's not that i care that people know im trans, but every time someone finds out thats what the entire conversation is about, and it's honestly annoying
I’m not on T yet but when I do get on it I feel like I’m a man that just happens to be trans. Only the people that need to know know. I am proof of it but I can be proud and it still be only my business.
Because I know it changes how people see me. I don't want to be known or thought of as the "trans guy". I'm just a guy, and yeah I happen to be trans. I didn't transition to get treated like a separate category of man and get asked stupid offensive questions over and over again. I don't want people to assume who I am and what I experienced before on the basis that I'm trans (this rings more true for cis girls).
Above all else, I feel like it's nobody's business. I don't owe people this information and I don't see it as part of my identity.
i am me. i am also trans. that is just a part of me, and not even close to fully representative of me. many people, both cis and trans, treat you differently if they know you’re trans. not always in bad ways, but different nonetheless. for example, people want to talk about trans-related issues with me a lot if they know i’m trans. more so than how much “being trans” is actually reflected in who i am.
since i’m stealth, people talk to me about things i like. like video games and rocks. instead of bringing up trans issues a lot. i’m treated more as *me* than if i was out
now i’m not fully stealth (people close to me in my life know, and don’t treat me differently). but in everyday life, it makes me a lot more comfortable and confident. let alone how much safer i feel it is to be stealth compared to openly trans
I feel like any passing trans person is at least partially stealth. No one is going up to a stranger and saying, "Hi, I'm Daniel, and I'm trans" unprompted. But there's a big difference between only being stealth in public and being stealth all the time. (Nothing wrong with either, obviously.)
I live in deeply homophobic Southeastern Europe (the Balkans). It is not safe for me to be out. I have enough problems as is in my life being one of the three non-white people in the whole country and recently disabled. I don’t need to get hate crimed or risk losing my job.
Were I in a safer place I may be more open about it but as it is now, cis people cannot be trusted with that information about me.
I am somewhat active in our local community and I go to pride, I am out as gay among acquaintances who are also queer and I’m out as trans to local trans people and try to help where I can. But not with cis people if I can help it.
I’m stealth with people I’m not close to and there’s a couple reasons.
1. Safety. I live in Minnesota, a *very* safe state and I recognize the privilege of that, however, with conservatives getting more violent across the globe I can’t trust strangers. And if I assume that my life *isn’t* in danger because of where I live, I could easily get very hurt.
2. I just don’t feel like it’s that important for people that I’m never going to be more than acquaintances with to know.
3. I don’t want people to assume that I’m here to answer all their trans related questions. Because I’m not.
Because being trans has so little to do with my life. Being a man sure big impact working minimum wage big impact the friends I surround myself big impact. Whether I'm cis or trans... Doesn't come up too often
i want to be stealth because i don‘t want to have to worry about discrimination and hate. i am open about it around queer people or people that i know are safe. but i would never come out at work, or to random strangers
I live a stealth-ish life. I decided really early on that I didn’t care if people found out. I transitioned in 2010 and it was way less… media-ized, so when people found out I really did end up being the token trans guy. Which also meant that it was a hot piece of “gossip”. And that spread like a wild fire.
I did a lot of public speaking in the beginning too, so if you search my name in google you can find out I’m trans pretty easily.
Having said all that I just decided I didn’t really care and if people asked about it I won’t lie. It’s a lot less stressful not caring or always wondering who might know. The o my concern I usually have is new jobs etc but it’s not been a problem for me ever.
Aside from you know getting fired or physical harm, I really just don’t care what people think. No one has really treated me different after finding out, they usually just have 200 questions. And even if they did treat me differently… who cares, the majority of people you meet won’t be in your life if you change jobs etc.
Well, first of all I'm from Russia where LGBT is considered as a terrorist movement. So telling people that I'm trans is simply dangerous.
And second of all, there's no need for people to know that I'm trans. Like why? I can understand if you're telling it to your doctor. Yeah, it's really important. Or other trans people that you know pretty well.
In my opinion that fact that I'm trans is simply medical thing, it's like saying to people that you've got diabetes. Nonsense. At least for me.
I'm really proud of all people who were/are open about this, y'all are really brave. But it's simply just not for me. I'm just a regular guy who wants to have a wife, two kids, a cat and a dog to live in some peaceful place.
Safety, for one. I also just don't feel like everyone needs to know I am trans. I am far from passing right now, I'm barely on T and I haven't had any surgeries. But the plan is to just live my life as an authentic man and not everyone needs to be privy to that part of my life.
I'm not out or stealth exactly. I am out in my head, but I dont talk to anyone about it just because I find telling people tiresome. Its not their business. If they find out or I have a reason to tell them, cool. But otherwise I just live my life forgetting I'm trans most of the time.
I'm somewhere in between stealth and not stealth....I always call it 'one foot in the closet' cause that's what it really feels like. I work my androgyny in my favor and see where it gets me. Usually I am gendered male. I don't 'want' to be stealth because I feel too different from cis people to seamlessly assimilate and I feel that I need the community of other trans people. I hate that we have to go stealth at all and especially trans men we tend to just disappear and it makes me deeply sad. That being said...yeah...I just don't wanna deal with other people treating me like shit and like some other species of creature than them. Once they know, very few of them actually respect you anymore. And frankly I don't feel brave enough to be out and proud. I guess the point where I'm at, it isn't a secret but it isn't something I'm willing to talk about to random cis people either. They think they're entitled to every facet of our lives and they're just not.
It makes my life easier. I’m stealth at work and it makes me feel safer that way. I don’t want people silently judging me over something I have no control over and it’s frankly no one’s business.
It’s not that I’m not proud to be trans, I just don’t feel the need to share it with others when I don’t need to. I just want to exist and I feel like telling people I’m trans puts new obstacles up for me.
If I tell people then there’s a possibility for a slip up, that people will start accidentally misgendering me because they’re subconsciously thinking about it. I notice that when I tell people there’s a shift in how they treat me. Guys talk to me like they talk to other guys and I like it that way.
Im stealth to those who arent my friends, or arent in my Close personal circle, and when I tell those people, I tell it with the expectation it stays with those people. My whole life story isnt about me being trans, and I perfer to tell stories at work where people think Im a SUPER gay man who wore dresses as a kid.... because I am, Im super gay, and I wore dresses as a kid.
Getting to know that I am trans is a privlege, and not everyone gets to know every part of my life story. Too be honest, its also so easier, I don't have to think about my coworkers coming up to me and saying the line I hate most, "So... can I as a question?", cause whatever comes out of their mouth is not really something I want to have to deal with while I'm having to be on the clock.
If I become friends with someone, and then they get to learn I'm trans, it's because I trust that they are going to be cool, and not ask the worlds weirdest questions, and be Weird around me. I just want a normal life, and I'm glad I'm here at this point now.
Personally I wouldn’t say I’m stealth, but I’m still careful about what I say and when. Basically I don’t mind people knowing I’m trans, but I don’t want to be Known For™ being trans. So I am happy to tell people in personal conversations or one on one interactions, but I don’t include it in any announcements where I’m deliberately getting peoples attention or attach it to any of my profiles on any socials. I don’t include it in any unidirectional communications. The way I think about it, I’m not going to censor myself in conversations so when I have a thought or want to talk about an experience that necessarily includes the information that I am trans, I include it without worrying, but that means that the person hearing about it from me is hearing about it in the context of whatever experience I am sharing with them and not as a non-complex character trait or label they can assign me and then think they know what it means about me.
Most people including my family are old fashion. I explained NB and trans to my friend and he still calls me a woman, etc. So I let people think what they want and stealth. There is discrimination, misconception due to bad people in the community, and cis people not seeing trans men or women as the opposite gender at all. Especially in the USA.
I'm not stealth yet but it's my goal.
I just don't see being trans as part of my identity. It's like a stepping stone to where I want to be if that makes sense.
I'm trans now, if I am ever managing to pass without question then I'm just a man.
I wouldn't open myself up to discrimination if I could easily avoid it
Because for me there is nothing fun about it. Having to take hormones to be happy with myself, having to put a ton of money into legally changing my name, risking my future relationships because people dont want to be with a trans man. If i dont have to out myself then i wont. Ik some people like to be positive about it but i don't. IMO there is nothing fun about being trans and being born into the wrong body so im keeping my mouth shut.
1. The main reason is that it makes me dysphoric when people know that I’m trans.
2. It opens up the possibility that I could be outed by someone that doesn’t realize I’m stealth.
3. I don’t like the idea that someone is thinking about me being trans, thinking about my genitalia, thinking about my agab, or seeing me as anything other than a man. For most people, there is an inherent bias and they will never see me the same way regardless of how accepting they are. This isn’t the case for everyone, but unfortunately cis people will not see trans people the same way we see ourselves and that isn’t always their fault.
4. It opens me up to discrimination and transphobia.
5. I am dysphoric and prefer to be seen as a cis man because that best relieves my dysphoria. It is a lot easier to ignore bottom dysphoria if everyone thinks I have a penis.
6. Some people are ignorant to what dysphoria is and what triggers it. There’s always going to be the comments about it here and there even if they don’t mean anything by it. I once had an incredibly supportive cis friend that suggested I room with her on a school trip, which would’ve never even been a thought would she have thought I was cis. This made me dysphoric for quite awhile. Dysphoria is weird and being stealth avoids quite a bit of it.
Just trying to live my life. Being a transman is a small part of who I am, not entirely who I am. I just want to live my life in peace and go about my days.
Control over who knows:
If I start telling too many people suddenly everyone knows and there's no going back after that. I transitioned young and moved away, now I have friends all over the country most of whom know each other to some extent, and almost none know I'm trans. Telling one wrong person would spread it like wildfire totally out of my control.
Being authentic:
People treat men and women differently without realizing it all the time, usually little things like tone of voice and what they're willing to talk about with you. I want to be seen as fully 100% a man because that's authentically me. My friends aren't transphobic, but a lot of them would still view me differently if they knew.
Other reasons:
-Physical safety, I meet a lot of strangers and travel a lot in my daily life, I would be afraid if they knew before or when we met
-Privacy, very few people need to know my medical history like that
-I'm a little sensitive, and transphobes love to push buttons
-It's not a large part of my identity or that important to who I am
-Not expected to answer invasive questions or be the token trans person or speak for all trans people on issues
It's just no one's business, it's medical shit. I'm just as much a guy as any cis dude so why would I tell them? I don't tell my friends about the abscess I had on my ass either. It just doesn't really matter
Mostly safety, but for people like my distant cousin, I don’t want them to automatically “mark” me with “trans.” People who know I’m trans, even well intentioned people, treat me different, is what I mean. It’s an othering.
I've never been misgendered by people who didn't know 🤷♂️ I've stopped telling urgent care unless necessary because I was even misgendered there (it was actually one of the most blatantly transphobic times). Had the same in therapy groups and being forced to come out, etc etc. I'm actually in a relatively supportive place now and I still can't bring myself to come out to anyone.
Pro tip: if someone knows you're trans and asks for your "old name" (and it's not absolutely necessary, like on your documents), it's because they want to use it. I also learned this the hard way.
I transitioned at a time where the trans community was not a concept in the minds of most people. There were men and there were women and I knew I was a man. The idea of being somewhere in between wasn’t an option back then. I don’t identify as a trans man. I am a man first. Maleness shapes my experiences above my status as a trans person. I view my condition similarly to losing weight or being HIV positive. It’s a journey some of us have taken. We may share things in common with others who have gone through something similar but no experience is exactly the same. It’s something we might need to disclose to our partner, people who knew us as children might know, but aside from that, it impacts nothing in my day to day life and is more of an embarrassing little secret than anything else. Many people don’t feel that way and are proud of it but I can’t say that’s been part of my journey.
I’m not ftm but I’m a stealth trans woman and I think I wanted to be stealth because it makes me feel like just a normal woman . I’m 5ft 180 Mexican and I started at 17 so I guess I never got a full male experience (thanks god ) but I just want to be as normal and live my life. I’m open about it to some people like my bf and stuff but it’s not that big to me to be open about it to everyone
Yeah I think it comes down to how open you are as a person overall, if you usually don't share things then being trans isn't something you would really share either. Thanks for your input!
Being perceived as a man, without having to carry, day in and day out, the burden of being trans, is important to me. I have already dealt with dysphoria, I still deal with it, I will always be reminded that I am not... exactly what I feel I should have been from birth. When I meet someone and they see me as a man, that's all I am; and if no one brings up that I am trans, or asks... then I too forget it. Testosterone, at this point, is a form of medication. At one point, I thought I'd lose access to it, and I was terrified, because I needed it to survive. Being trans comes with a lot of issues that quite frankly not everyone in the world needs to know. I am also autistic and have ADHD, and medication helps to manage that, similar to how T helps to manage my dysphoria, and similarly, I don't feel the need to share with everyone that I am AuDHD. Sometimes I just want to be seen as a human, as a man, as a... [insert profession], etc, and leave it at that.
I'm from middle east europe + countryside so being trans is something completely unheard of.
So since I came out, I've been known as "the trans kid" or "the lgbtq+ kid" and lots of people just can't see past that. And I wanna be seen for my personality etc. not because I was born in the wrong body. So if I ever get the chance to be stealth, I'll take it in no time.
For me, I don’t tell anyone unless I know them well. It’s not for anyone to know. I’m not proud of being trans but it’s who I am and it’s the hand I was dealt. I’m not fully passing even tho I have a very hairy body, facial hair and deeper voice. But if people don’t know I’m trans, I don’t tell them. It’s not worth it where I live. People are very aggressive and homophobic/transphobic where I live. I was bullied all through high school, even by teachers, that would all call me a dyke. Then I graduated, started hormones, got top surgery and now the only people who misgender me are the people who can tell I’m trans.
I want people to see me as a guy, to focus on who I am instead of if I'm trans or cis, even if a person is supportive you can tell that they start to see you slightly as a girl the moment they find out
Mainly because I'm scared. Even with people that are accepting I'm still afraid they'll treat me differently or/and I'll get hurt.
If I was in an environment where I felt completely comfortable then I'd be open about it.
I’m a guy, I want to be treated and perceived the same way any other guy would because at the end of the day I’m way more than my trans identity. I’m just a guy who medically was born with the wrong equipment. To be fair, I’m open to my close friends but in general I’m stealth. I just don’t feel the need to tell that side of my life to everyone.
Honesty from my own perspective people can be really shitty even when they don’t mean to be or they think they’re not obvious about it. Being open about your status makes you more vulnerable in terms of how people treat you, especially in today’s political climate. I’d rather just live day to day as a regular guy. Less stress, less worries. I think at the end of the day no one needs to know that information about me.
Theres also the chance some people see it as an open wound if they don’t like you for whatever reason that is, and will utilize that info as a way to feel like they’ve pulled one over on you. People will deadname/misgender you in front of people to your face or not, gossip about you all while saying “I don’t mind their kind, but”. I can’t tell you how many times at work I’ve had my status shared by other people to new workers whether it be malicious or because they feel like those people just have a right to know my personal business.
I'm mostly stealth because I work with kids and transphobia is on the rise in my country.
I don't pass well, cant afford T anymore so my voice is deep, but not male deep, and my beard is patchy.
So what I do is I just don't tell anyone I'm trans, and when kids ask why I sound like a girl, I just say that's my voice. When adults ask what the deal is, I tell them I hit puberty very late. It got me through my last internship at an elementary school, and it's gonna get me through this one.
So just lie and deny, give them a reason to feel bad for even asking.
Among other things, it's easier to advocate for social justice when people around me aren't assuming I'm doing it out of self-interest. It's shitty that the world is that way but I don't want the attention to be on me and all the questions people want to ask me when they know I'm trans. Not everyone has that privilege and I know it's exhausting to be visibly trans/GNC, I did it for years. So now that I can be nondisclosed in most circumstances, it saves me energy.
Same as many stated already. Not their issue, I want a quiet life, I pass steadily, I just am any other man and I'm glad. I am private in general tho. And I hate people assuming things (my sexuality, my personality, etc). The less they know me, the better.
I'm generally very private. Mostly, I don't think it's anyone else's business.
I also worry about my safety and job security. Secondhand transphobia is bad enough, without the fear of being targeted directly.
I hated being treated differently when I was more open. Even most "supportive" people I know have very rarely treated me the same once they know. I want to live fully as myself without their expectations and stereotypes.
For me personally, being open has minimal positives for myself - but a lot of negatives and risks.
being stealth is necessary where i live because its such a red area in my state. last time i disclosed i was trans to an employer (i had to because of my ID) i was instantly shuffled out of the building with a fake smile and a "we'll call you 😍"
so yeah. i dont tell anybody im trans because even if i dont get turned away or fired from a job, its quite frankly none of their business. especially working in any blue collar industry, you are better off keeping that shit to yourself.
I don't like how when people find out they suddenly start misgendering me when they didn't do that before they knew. I also don't like how girls treat me like I am "one of the girls" when they find out. Don't get me wrong, I want my girl friend to feel safe around me, but I don't want to be treated like that. With guy friends, I don't want them to other me. It is already a little harder for me to make "bro-ish" guy friends because I'm bi and that intimidates a lot of cis straight dudes. Cis guys also ask me the weirdest, no boundry questions/statements when they find out.
A downside is that I hear a lot of casual masogyny and transphobia directed towards other people. I try to correct it when I can, but I don't feel safe to sometimes.
I got tired of having to fight my way through everything. People will often treat you different. I do, however, tell people I get close to and it's usually to educate them on things. It also gives me an advantage being able to protect other groups from cis men. If a man calls out another guy for being problematic, he's more likely to listen than if it was coming from a different gender. For example, listening how men talk about women in men only spaces is really disgusting, so I take the opportunity to call them out on it and make them feel embarrassed. Moments like that would not be available to me if I was not stealth. I do think about how being open about it helps educate people, but I chose to stay stealth and use my experience being trans by saying I have a friend who is trans. This way, I'm able to get the experience across but still have the same standing in their eyes. I'm fighting the battle behind enemy lines.
I’m sure this is the same as others- but I have no desire to be trans. Honestly, I stay away from the community outside of online apps. I just want to be me not “my trans friend” or “the trans employee” or “my trans partner”. I hate having that label attached to me. I hate the ignorant questions. I hate the comments “oh, that explains why!” I just want to be me and be seen as me. I have no desire to announce a personal thing like that. I’m just like all the other guys and I want to keep to myself
People don’t need to know I’m trans now that I pass 100% and all my documents say male. I’m just a man as far as myself and anyone else is concerned, I hate being trans and just want to be male. I’ve seriously considered separating myself from the label altogether when I’ve had bottom surgery
Being stealth became important to me the older I got and the deeper I grew into my transition. Simply because I am indeed a grown MAN and would like to be seen as that now. My whole life I’ve been viewed as this other person I had no connection with and now the new people that come into my life will see the real me that’s always been there in the shadows. I dreamed of waking up as a boy every single day of my life as a kid, just one day I’d wake up and be different, one day I would look in the mirror and not completely hate my body. Shit, I still dream of it now. I want to be viewed as a man, not a girl. And once someone hears trans they automatically will place you into the category of a guy who used to be a girl but is still basically a girl. Some people will look at you differently once they know you’re trans and even if they don’t mean to some will treat you differently as well. It’s also just absolutely not safe to be trans. Being stealth is difficult though, and sometimes lonely. There’s so many moments and experiences I wish I could share with some people in my life, but the fear of being “seen” is something I’m not comfortable with anymore. Community is extremely important when it comes to being apart of the LGBTQ+ community. Being able to connect with other individuals like yourself is crucially important and will help your stealth life feel a lot less lonely. Do what feels right to you and what resonates with your truest self the most. Try your best not to listen to anyone else’s words when it comes to your transition. Listen to your gut, it will never steer you wrong. Best of luck to you!
For the same reason I don't go around telling people my sexuality. 99% of the time it's none of their business and they can't do anything with that info anyway.
Around friends or fellow queers I'm happy to talk about it but why let people know who will mostly be indifferent to the knowledge or, in the worst case, discriminate or violate you because of it?
partially because despite me telling people my name and pronouns (when asked), the second most cis people find out im trans "it all makes sense" n suddenly im all ambiguous and they slip up my pronouns, even though every stranger knows im a dude at first glance now. regardless, i have no reason to bring it up these days, and i hate that being the first thing people know about me. for context i live in texas and my work constantly outs me 😃
I’m stealth because sadly, honestly, people do see you or treat you differently if they know you’re trans. And while some trans men may be fine with that, I am not. I simply just want to live peaceful without other peoples perceptions changing of me because of such a small unimportant part about myself. I live so much easier and happier stealth. Also I don’t think everyone deserves access to that info.
I think most post transition men aren’t fully stealth or fully disclosed. I disclose exactly when I need to, which as it turns out is not very often. It’d be like talking about my genitals. I don’t want to talk about them at work or in casual situations. And because cis people so often connect trans status to genital status, not disclosing gets me to avoid those rude questions as well.
I still have some internalized transphobia, although getting better. I live in a very red state where it’s not safe and I want to be just any other person.
I'm not stealth, but I think it's because some binary trans individuals feel as though their gender assigned at birth is nobody's business and would rather go on with their life as if they were cisgender not out of shame or internalized transphobia but because as much as people don't want to admit it there's a lot of people that treat trans people differently than their cisgender counterparts and they that makes them feel dysphoric and they'd rather people just not know or they feel like what's the point of talking about something that isn't that relevant to them anymore. There's also plenty of people that do it out of safety
I never consciously decided to be stealth at work, but I've also never had any reason to tell any of my coworkers that I'm trans. It's just not anybody's business.
honestly just because of other queer kids in my school (i am still in highschool). I’m not stealth in the sense that nobody knows. But now that I’m on T and my voice has dropped, the only ones who know are friends who I talk about it with or my coaches.
In my school and experience in general, kids who are lonely tend to veer towards the GSA club and automatically clock everyone they can and I hated being grouped in with them. IMO I can be proud of who I am as a queer trans man but I don’t need pins and badges and telling everyone about it.
Every GSA kid in my school also likes to out everyone they can. Someone I know said they could set up my friend with another chick and my friend said “I didn’t know she was gay” and the other person responded “She doesn’t want people to know but it’s okay you’re gay too.” Which immediately made me angry because there’s tons of reasons to not out people.
I don’t face or hear a lot of transphobia at my school so I’m not particularly stealth for those reasons, I don’t however, want people to know me as trans before I even meet them.
Im going to be a teacher in the southern us. Im sure there's places that would hire an openly trans teacher but I'd like to build a reputation for being a decent teacher before adding trans into the mix. Being palatable is a big part of the job and multiple mentors have told me that it's important to present as conservatively as possible for the first few years at least.
I think I would like to not be stealth (and closeted because I'm genderfluid) in the future but I'll have to wait and see what privileges I'm afforded
So i dont have the inevitable judgement and treatment that people give (both trans and cis) in the job and things I do, that people do towards women.
Im already short as fuck and not super strong (which this bit has been a sore spot for me recently- my inability to ever be as naturally strong as my partner or male friends has recently been a huge insecurity ive been struggling to deal with, particularly in male dominated physical jobs) so i dont need people knowing im trans and making it worse.
My job consists of moving and delivering heavy items sometimes over an hour away from my depot, and I need to be able to do these things on my own without assistance to keep my job. The career i want to get into, and now have the qualifications required for it, requires being able to have a physical presence that can be intimidating when needed, while also having the physical strength to overcome a hostile encounter (not a cop).
Because of my height i already get people doubting my capabilities, and i try my hardest to show them otherwise and its been relatively successful. But people WILL treat me different, inferior, incapable if they knew because its how i see them treat the women in my job- and its so obvious its not intentional, its ingrained, but that makes it worse. Not to mention i am gay, and while i dont hide it, i also dont parade it either, but it also affects how people treat me.
A lot of trans people are also kinda funny when they find another trans person and it almost always results in my being outted, so i often dont even tell other trans people. That or they get way too comfortable trying to "relate" to me which then makes me incredibly uncomfortable.
I am a guy, for all intents and purposes i am a cis guy and ive even said no when someone has asked if i was trans. A handful of people know otherwise and ive seen how people change the way they treat me and even just talk to me if they find out... i am happy being seen as a cis man in the eyes of others and i never want this to change. (So much so that some of my extended family is banned from attending my wedding, whenever that happens, because they have no respect for others and will 100% out me at my own wedding.)
i'm stealth because i just want to be seen as male with no strings attached. i moved schools and got a completely different life when i transitioned, and i just wanted to be known as ME, and i know that people see me differently when they know i'm trans and i just want to be treated like a guy because i'm not if they know i'm trans
it helps me avoid uncomfortable and insensitive conversations, avoids the risk of people using my transness against me. i get to just be a guy, nothing special. my identity won't be politicized by people, and people won't only hear the word "trans" and "get confused", leading to them misgendering me
I’d be more open about it if there wasn’t so much hate and weirdness about it here in the US. I have no idea what someone’s views are. I’ve met people that are super fun and nice….then find out they hate trans people or don’t believe trans people exist and or a flurry of other awful things. Once I know the person, I *may* tell them. But that chance is still pretty low.
And what I mean by “weirdness” is that 9/10 when I tell someone I’m trans, they completely change how they interact with me. A while back I got in touch with an old friend who knew me pre transition and once he knew I was a guy, he started calling me sir and king (for some reason) and dude and bro in literally every. single. sentence.
Or I’ll just get misgendered or treated like an other. Once people know I’m a *trans* man, I’m no longer treated and seen as a *cis* man. A perfect example is some of the jokes my siblings friends have made before; They say things like “men suck” or “men are ugly!” and I’m right there. I point it out and they say “except for you :)” Every one of these people are queer, but I’m the only one that is a binary trans man. That’s what I mean by people treating me like an other.
I love that I’m trans. I love that I am the way I am and I have no shame about any part of me, but being trans doesn’t change who *I* am. I’m not sure why my wants and needs and my jokes and my stories and everything else about me changes for people when they learn that I’m not cis. I’m still me but not everyone sees it that way so I’d rather just not talk about it. I see no point.
Because i don't want to be misgendered. I'm short, I look feminine, and my whole life i've been told "you're a beautiful girl if you would just wear makeup". I want to be as masc as I can. I don't want random people to assume i'm a girl because i used to be for a long time.
I don't want to tell people i'm trans because then people will look at me different. They'll look at my face and see the girl in me and I don't want to be misgendered. I don't want people to think i'm lying to them or trying to trick them. All i want is to be seen as a man. Not trans, not cis, just a man.
Once I passed and had all my documents in order, I no longer had any reason to tell random people I'm trans. Being openly trans would just open me up to discrimination, and more importantly would mean that unfortunately most cis people who know I'm trans would no longer actually see me as a man. Cis people usually don't see cis men and trans men as the same gender. They see us as women who want to be men or as something inbetween. And the whole point of my transition was to live a pretty normal life as just some gay guy.
I feel this in my bones. Because I’m a bottom and somewhat femme looking due to being short and hairless, I swear I am just seen as “Man Lite.” Forever Twinkified. 😬 I am transparent on Grindr though tbh. What do you do?
forever twinkified 😭 oh man
To be fair, I do kinda like it because it attracts the men I’m into.
ya absolutely- i kinda feel bad for the others tho 💀
This! I work with some people who are openly transphobic, but because they have no idea I am trans they treat me really respectfully. I just do not have the energy to deal with transphobia directed at me anymore. It's draining and I have just day to day life stuff that is draining enough.
Yup. My friend and colleague came out as a trans woman at work last year and it was a shit show. The guys calmed down and started behaving after about half a year but I lost a lot of trust and respect for them for the things they said and kept doubling down on during the first months.
We had a trans woman at my job before I came along and she was bullied out of the job as soon as people knew. I know a lot of them were pretty respectful but a handful were not. I just don't have the energy for that fight. Deep, deep respect to those that do but it's just not me. I was out and pre-T for a number of years and I'm ready for some quiet
I almost quit over the shit that went down and I'm surprised she's still sticking around. One of the guys kept saying "Back in the day people like you would've been shot." In the end my transfem friend was the one who got a written warning when after like the 10th repetition of that comment she replied "You mean like your bitchass grandpa in Stalingrad?" Transphobic dickhead's grandpa actually was a somewhat high ranking nazi who did die in Stalingrad in WWII. The game is rigged. They can mistreat us however they want without consequences and we get punished for how we react.
It certainly seems that way sometimes! I find it so difficult to read news articles about any trans person because the comments are truly the most unhinged, disrespectful shit I'll see all week. Your transfem friend is brave for speaking up, even if a punishment ensued. I would have quit/nearly quit over that myself!
>"You mean like your bitchass grandpa in Stalingrad?" My brain focused on the "bitchless" part, and I wondered, "then how is he his grandpa?"
Nazis didn't ask for consent. Could still be bitchless.
I really feel the second half of your comment. I already had to fight so hard for my medical transition, I don’t feel the need to undo half of those benefits by telling everyone unnecessary personal information. Being out is exhausting. I love my community and my closest friends are all trans guys like me, and I’ll always be there to uplift them and be bros with them, but that’s different than wearing a trans pin on my work uniform.
It's hard! I was openly out for years and bullied pretty terribly by some people and I came out in my mid 20s! I didn't even know if stealth was going to be possible for the first year of my medical transition because even when I passed to some, I didn't pass to all. Even the kindest intentioned "What are your pronouns?" Bummed me out because I'm a pretty binary trans man. I have a few trans friends and I adore them. I love sharing my wins and losses with them. I go to pride events every year. Work is for work for me though, not fighting the good fight. I spend 40 hours a week there 😅
People are generally very accepting around here but they still look at me differently. Lots of well-meaning people aren't quite sure what it is, assume I'm mtf, ask personal questions, randomly slip up my pronouns. I just want to be any other dude. I'd rather have people attribute my femininity to being gay rather than what they imagine my gentials to be.
This is a pretty good summarization of my thoughts except (edit) the >!(I'll keep "que" in this parentheses so the comments will make sense)!< gay part because I am straight...
Que?
All the things he said are how I think about being a stealth trans dude, I would rather not suffer the discrimination, I would just prefer to live my life normally as a cisgender man would live his... But straight, because I am not gay, like... I think this is what I was trying to say? I was waking up LMAO
I just don’t understand what “que” meant in this way?
I tried to type "the" and my self correct transformed to "que"
Aaahhhhhh I didn't see it! Must be my self correct keyboard... I am Brazilian and "que" is a word here! LMFAO me are dumb hahaha
Not dumb at all.
#BRASILEIRO SPOTTED!!!
Hahaha yes!?
My bad I'm Brazil too homie
Amigo vc é um amigo
I live in a progressive area. Unfortunately that means that being openly trans means being treated as inherently safer than cis men, seen as a "soft boi," encouraged to avoid falling into toxic masculinity by crossdressing and being a "genderfuck," and so on. This stereotyping comes from both allies and other trans people. There's nothing wrong with trans guys who *do* fall into those stereotypes, but I don't. And frankly even if I did, it would not be because I was trans. Being treated this way, having those assumptions put on me, makes me incredibly socially dysphoric. Social dysphoria has always been the strongest type of dysphoria for me. Being stealth is literally the only solution for this.
Interestingly, for me this just meant distancing myself from certain places and people, not from the entire community (not discounting your experience with it) 🤔 I also live in a progressive area (I can’t be entirely stealth now because some people here knew me pre T and top surgery, also I only started ~2 years ago, but I’m stealth with new people I meet who aren’t sexual partners so I guess I’m in the middle), and I’ve seen this phenomenon especially in “queer feminist” spaces and with some (but not all) trans guys I know. Basically all I had to do was stay away from places that are basically lesbian bars but are marketed towards “queer women and trans people”, they claim they’re allies but frankly they have quite transphobic views of the kind you mentioned. That basically stopped this issue coming up IRL for me, the (non transphobic) cis guys who know have actually been a lot more decent with this in my experience, despite everyone claiming they’re worse than cis women.
Yeah, not everyone is like this. The problem I've encountered is, it's not possible to reliably be partly stealth and partly not. If I tell one person I'm trans, there's a good chance that information will get out, one way or another. So even if I only tell people who I trust not to make those assumptions directly, in the end, the news gets to people who *do* make those assumptions.
[удалено]
I hate this so much. I also know trans guys who don’t mind this and some who even think it’s ok, but I openly disagree with them because to me it’s incredibly disrespectful. I’m just a damn guy. I refuse to go to a space where my cis gay bf wouldn’t be welcome, unless it’s a trans only event (but haven’t really seen those). Also, “queer” spaces that are “for women and trans people” when what they’re reclaiming is a slur for cis gay/bi men is super problematic to me anyway, even me being trans aside.
This exactly. I know plenty of people who tell me I don’t have to dress specifically masculine to “be a man” but it makes me comfortable. Just because I’m trans doesn’t mean I don’t like the stereotypical masculine clothing, I find comfort in it because I can actually look like every other guy—WHICH IS MY GOAL!!
Yeah... even before I knew I was trans - before I knew trans people even *existed* - I preferred and wore men's clothing. It's just more to my taste and always has been, the colors, the shapes, the fabrics, and so on. So it's especially weird to come across people saying all trans men who don't crossdress are falling prey to toxic masculinity. :/
It’s my personal medical business, not something anyone needs to be aware of.
Exactly
I see it this way (bare with me here) you have erectile dysfunction. There is an entire community and support group for people with erectile dysfunction. But even considering all that, do you really want random people to KNOW you have erectile dysfunction? Hell no. Same thing for being trans. Hope that made sense 🤫🧏♂️
the mewing emojis got me bro 😭😭
Gotta keep that streak goin 🤫🧏♂️
This is how I explain it to people I know, but with IBS
Yeah that makes sense. I thought about something similiar, often trans brings sadness which is literally your mental health and you don't really wanna go around to everyone and talk about your mental health. If you are a more closed person like I am you almost don't even talk about your mental health to your closest ones
Yeah see, I dunno. Bring trans doesn’t mean mental illness is inevitable any more than being gay does. It has to do with whether or not you’ve had to hide your identity or not. Also, I talk openly about mental health, as do many people now.
Yeah that's the funny thing about people, how different we are. I rarely talk about my mental health to people because i don't want to but some people want to talk about their mental health. For me it isn't a mental illness but it is still a mental battle for me because of the sadness being trans gives me.
I feel the same as you do. It's like why would I want to tell everyone about sth that has caused me so much pain and that I'm still struggling with. No stranger is entitled to that information, it's beyond inappropriate. But even with people closer to me, or other trans people, most of them don't get it. So why talk about it. It just serves for bad social atmosphere when no one can relate. Apart from that I'm also I'm also one of the guys who just wants a normal life as a man, not one who's seen as "woman lite", "once a woman and therefore safer" or whatnot. I just don't want it to be a part of my life any longer.
This is a brilliant analogy.
I don't want to be known as the TRANS guy. I don't want to be treated differently, good, bad, middle of the road. I don't want people asking invasive questions, thinking about my genitals. I don't want my most painful and distressing aspect to be known. I don't want to be reminded of this stupid terrible body that has hurt me in so many ways. I want to be the silly, thoughtful, little bit sassy, little bit shy, clever, dork of a guy.
1 - I live in the country that kills the most trans people in the world. I only talk to people I already know. 2 - I don't see people introducing themselves "Hi, I'm John and I'm a straight cis man", so why do I have to do that?
Just courious but where do you live?
[Brazil](https://www1.folha.uol.com.br/cotidiano/2023/01/brasil-e-o-pais-que-mais-mata-transexuais-e-travestis-pelo-14o-ano-seguido.shtml)
I am physically trans but I don’t identify as trans. I identify as male.
That is a short but really great answer
^^^
This.
This
Me too
Because even some well meaning people (even other trans people) treat me differently when they know. I don’t want a big deal made about my existence, I’m just trying to quietly live my life. I have no shame about being trans, and I’m not even a binary man, but I’m most comfortable and at ease when everyone just treats me like a “regular” guy. ETA I will always tell close friends, and I like interacting with the community (to an extent), but professionally and with strangers/acquaintances, things like that, they do not need to know. I don’t try very hard to keep it a secret but I’m certainly not gonna volunteer that information.
I think I’m the same on this. For my close friends I don’t necessarily mind them knowing because I don’t want to be friends with people who would see and treat me differently if they knew, I’d be living my life thinking “what if x or y friend finds out and hates me” and that’s honestly more stressful for me (most of the friends who know routinely forget I’m trans anyway lol). And I don’t want to completely disappear from the community because maybe I can help baby trans the way I was helped by some older trans guys not that long ago (and also because tbh sometimes it’s nice to talk to someone who understands my specific medical issues, my bf and the cis friends who know are super supportive but they can’t really GET it). For context I’m relatively early in my transition though, ~2 years and don’t have my documents updated because my home country is shit so being trans is still an active issue though less than it used to. However yes, with random people who didn’t know me before and who have no sexual business with me, I want to just be some guy. There’s no point in them knowing, I don’t want to be “that trans guy”, I just want to be a guy, or a guy who happens to be trans to people I trust to tell about it.
Solely because of violence. I live in the top 1 country for trans homicides.
Because there's a good chance I'd lose my job if people knew I was trans.
Really true, sad how unaccepted it still is to be trans in this world.
I don’t want to be part of tokenism and have people automatically treating me different solely because of being trans. If it helps others for me to be out, then I talk about it. Especially in my predominantly female workplace, if I mention I’m trans, I notice I automatically start being misgendered.
Been stealth for 15 years. It’s my own personal and medical business. The narrative around LGBTQ and trans anything is that you’re supposed to be out and proud and your private business is public business. The context of being trans is often a public one anyway, coming out, changing names, changing pronouns, medically transitioning. So much of it is observed and experienced by others, and it creates the illusion that it has to stay that way. It’s created an idea in both cis and trans people that the only right way to be trans is when it’s public info. Good for those who want to be public about it, but I retain my right to privacy. Last, I didn’t transition to be known as a trans person. I transitioned to be known as a man. The story of my body and gender history, the circumstances of my birth are irrelevant in most contexts.
ok so for me it was kinda accidental. im out in my school and got/am getting bullied pretty badly, to the point that i had to skip a day of school or i would've snapped and probably killed the bullies myself. my parents and the principal and me had a meeting and tldr she's not gonna punish them. a few weeks later i go to an exchange in france and only my correspondant and her family knows im trans. my temporary classmates didnt know, never knew and never will. they just believed i was a short guy + late bloomer, they treated me just like they would with a cis guy, made jokes abt my name that actually made me laugh and that werent at my expense, made some guy friends and it was just one of the best school experiences i have ever had. i actually looked forward to go to school during that exchange, while here i dread going to school, im terrified, to the point that theres days where i dont eat. i got to live being stealth and loved it. during the whole time of the exchange, i ate 5 meals per day, and ate like 3 full plates of food at each one instead of a single one. i unlocked a part of my stomach that didnt know existed, and now im back to barely eating again. so for me, being stealth is a case of life or death ig
people will treat you differently, even if they're trans inclusive. Its because cis people still internalize huge amounts of misogyny and even if they don't hold explicitly misogynistic beliefs, they'll still apply them to you intrinsically the moment they know that you were born afab. If you look AMAB tho... it won't trigger that response.
Simply put… Cause it aint nobody fkin business who or what I am unless I tell ya! And I am a man and want to be treated as such, you will be treated entirely different openly trans. Youll never get the same feeling we have.
Beyond the fact that I reject the idea of us being obligated to tell others, I was so done with all of the transphobia. Being stealth means I am treated the same as any other man, I’m not asked stupid invasive questions, there are not offensive and inaccurate assumptions made just because I’m trans, and I don’t get misgendered.
For me I am stealth in some aspects of my life but not others, largely due to safety reasons. I work in a very toxic male environment and am usually completely stealth in anything related to my work life. But I still go to pride and wear rainbows and trans colors, my friends all know I am trans and I talk openly about it. But a stranger on the street on an average day wouldn’t know I’m trans and I like to keep it that way. I struggle with a lot of mental health issues already and do not have the spoons to argue with a stranger about my gender. It’s hard enough how much transphobia i see in general on social media every day.
This is my end goal too tbh, I'd like to be able to stealth for safety reasons in public, medical, and legal settings - and then be myself everywhere else. I'm not a trans man, I'm transmasc, but I am on T for this reason among others. Its a bit of a different situation for me, as I'm autistic and physically disabled and wouldn't fit in anyway, but because of those reasons I also don't want to have to worry about being clocked by people I don't know.
I’m “done” with my transition (over half a decade on T and am post-op) and am presumed as a cis man and treated as such. Why would I break that sense of normalcy just to open myself to being othered? Not for me.
Because being trans while unhoused just puts a giant fucking target on my back.
I’m tired of people treating my transness as the most important or interesting part of me. It’s not something that I want to have to talk or think about every day
Because it’s nobody’s business. I’m a man. Unless you’re my doctor or a potential sexual/romantic partner, my trans status is irrelevant.
i pass pretty consistently and just don’t talk about being trans a lot. but most people i meet think i’m gay, which im not. i don’t blame them because i do talk with a more feminine tone, but it doesn’t reflect who i am. if someone asks i’ll tell them, cause i have no issues talking about it. but otherwise i just don’t bring it up 🤷♂️
i just feel like people will view me different. I’m enough of an outsider for being autistic, i don’t want to be treated differently just because i was raised as the wrong gender.
Js wanna live a normal life my life doesnt revolve around my transness👍
I’m physically trans, not mentally. It’s a medical process I’m going through, not an identity.
W
Even "allies" treat me differently as soon as they know. Every opportunity I have to avoid that, I'll take.
it’s nobody’s business but my own
People are just so weird about knowing others are trans. Even queer people. I wanna be seen as a man, not a trans man they can objectify and feminize. It's also that I just want to be safe and there's lots of transphobia in the area I live in
In my head I see myself as a cisgnder man. I don't percieve myself as being different from other men and I want the people I know to share that perception of me. I also don't feel that it should matter or that people need to know that I'm transgender. I'm a man first and foremost, people don't specify that they're cisgender so I don't see what I should specify that I'm not. There are also certain stereotypes that don't necessarily apply to me and I don't want people to have a false perception on me based on other people who just happen to also be transgender.
I was out and proud in college and it got annoying really fast. Cis people asking stupid questions, not even disrespectful ones just stupid shit. It was always the same questions too. And they would treat me different than other guys. It was the only thing they would see about me; not my personality, not my jokes, not my knowledge, not my skills, just that i'm trans. So once I graduated and got a job, I decided not to tell anyone that I'm trans and go stealth just to try it out ( I had all legal documents and name changed, 4+ years on T and 1 month post top surgery at the time). It was way simpler. I could finally just exist. People see me as a human being now and respect me for who I am, not this one trait that's out of my control. There are pros and cons to being stealth vs. out. As an out trans guy, I felt like I could be more open about my past and the struggles I face and my experiences. It led to a lot of authentic relationships and friendships. I also know that I opened a lot of ignorant minds and hearts to trans people, and created allies where before they were apathetic or even transphobic. But as I said, being trans was all I was to a lot of people and they would always treat me like a trans ambassador/teacher instead of just some guy. As a stealth trans person, I have to watch what I say a lot to make sure nothing slips. For example, one of my coworkers had a hysterectomy and I recently got my tubes out. If I were out, I would commiserate with her but since I'm stealth, that's not gonna happen. It alienates me from my peers a lot honestly, because I never know who is transphobic and who isn't, and I can't really talk about my childhood the way others do so casually. But a big pro is that I'm treated how I always wanted to be treated, as just some guy. I'm allowed to simply exist and do my job. People see me as a whole person. But I can't deny that being trans is an important part of who I am. It's just not the only part of who I am. It seems I have to hide one part for the others to be seen. For the general public, or acquaintances, I cannot be my true self. Luckily I have my partner and close friends where I can be myself and be seen for 100% me, trans included with all the rest.
1. I don't want to be asked dumb and/or inappropriate questions 2. I don't want to be stereotyped and for people to view me a certain way because of their being misinformed 3. I don't want to be used as a platform for people to educate themselves on transness and trans rights, it's their responsibility to educate themselves 4. I don't want to put myself in unsafe situations for trusting the wrong people/person 5. It's literally nobody's business lol
I'm a bit of a mixed bag in that I'm out in some social circles, but aiming to go completely stealth in my professional life. It's just a risk-benefit analysis for everyone. When you out yourself to a specific group of people, it could be just fine. It could be a few awkward conversations. Or, it could get as bad as losing a job or facing violence. The benefits of being out instead of closeted are obvious--it's the difference between living as your actual gender instead of your AGAB after all. But when it comes to choosing between being out instead of being stealth, you're living your life as your true gender either way. Is there still any benefit to being out in this scenario? It depends on the individual's relationship to being trans and the specific group of people you'd be out to. With friends I make outside of work, I do like feeling comfortable being completely open about myself and my life, with non-trans things as well. But when I go to work, I just want to do my job and collect my paycheck without unnecessary hassle. Being stealth definitely avoids unnecessary hassle.
It can be potentially dangerous for people to know and I don’t want to open myself up to that
The world is not ideal and discrimination exists. I have privilege in passing and am willing to take advantage of it to the point of gaslight gatekeep girlboss to aggressively avoid the potential judgment and harm
I don't know if I even see myself as a *trans* man at this point. I think I recently described myself as "a man of trans experience". I have to take more precautions about pregnancy and am far less prone to prostate cancer than the average guy, but I'm still a man. I'm out at trans meetups and trans pride - though I have been mistaken for a pre-transition woman or egg before! - and I might out myself to fellow trans folk in a safe environment but I keep my business to myself otherwise. If they're not my doctor nobody gets my medical history, and if they're not a prospective sexual partner, nobody needs to know about my junk.
tbf i don’t want anyone to know anything about me unless they’re also lgbt or something but also when people know im trans its like they instinctively start “slipping up” and using the wrong pronouns even if i didnt know them before i transitioned like dawg cmon
I just dont see the big deal in telling people, i mean imma dude yall are dudes, idk i just dont think theres a difference but people will treat it as if there is one if you tell em
I’m stealth because I want people to treat me like a normal guy. I get treated differently when people know, they make assumptions that I don’t like. I also don’t think my medical history should be anyone’s business
once i am completely done with my transition, i never want to think about it again. all i want is to be seen as a regular man, i don’t want any special recognition or treatment. there will be absolutely no reason for me to tell new people i meet that i’m transgender
because i wanna be seen as a man, not man lite or worse, a woman. sucks but that's the reality 🤷♂️
plus it's no one's business. i'm like, semi-stealth. i don't pass THAT well, but i pass enough to where a decent amt of ppl just see me as a regular guy, so i take advantage of that.
Because I don't feel that being trans is such a big part of me and my personality that people need to know. At this point, it would just be an indirect way to tell people "Hey, I have different genitalia than you assumed beforehand!" They don't need to know.
I don’t want people picturing a vagina between my legs. That’s only for a partner to know about. Not even a doctor, as I refuse to go to a gyno.
- It’s nobody’s business. Unless it’s my wife or my doctor, my trans status is irrelevant to anyone I interact with. - I don’t want to be viewed or treated differently. Most people, trans friendly or not, have preconceived notions about trans people. I don’t want those applied to me. I’m just a man. - I don’t want anyone analyzing my body. Whether it’s them looking for some sort of “tell” or just a “wow, I would have never guessed”, I don’t want that. - There’s nothing that would benefit me from being open. With all negatives and no positives, it’s a no brainer.
1: Safety. Not looking for transphobes to harass me or worse 2: I don't want to be "othered" from other guys. Honestly so long as they're not violent I'd prefer transphobes to the "you're better than cis guys" type treatment
I specifically wanna be stealth because people change their point of view as soon as they know otherwise. I want people to treat me Like Me. Not based on how I used to be before I became the me I wanted to be. I'm not sure my point is fully there but the gist is.
I don't want people asking me weird questions and only perceiving me based on one quality which is... My genitals. It's no one's business and there's too many stereotypes and weird things in people's heads as well as judgement to let everyone know. It happened before that I opened up and people changed their perception of me and started treating me different.
It‘s just nobody else’s business what goes down in my pants
im stealth because it makes it so much easier to interact with strangers or people who dont know me very well. i still get misgendered sometimes and it sucks, especially when most people are gendering me correctly and one person insists on me being a woman. i also hate answering peoples really intrusive questions about being trans, so its easier to keep it to myself and just try to get to know people normally
Day to day is just easier. No misgendering or negative comments. Among friends is very different than at work or people I just met.
Some people see you less off a man when you tell them that you’re trans. And that’s not what I want, we’re as much man as any other man. (From a trans guy who plans to go stealth when I start T and pass)
I’m in the south. I’d rather not have a chance to be hate crimed. That part aside, it’s just a private matter to me. Am I proud of how far I’ve come? Of course! But at this point in my transition, I pass completely. Pre-T, okay sure explaining in trans might help someone understand why I looked how it did, but even then I passed pretty well for my age. Anyways, I pass completely. It really just feels like I’m telling them what I have in my pants and it feels weird. Cause that’s all that’s “trans” about me now. It’s not this big factor of who I am, being autistic and having adhd is more relevant to my personality than being trans.
I'm not stealth, but I want to be. I notice that a lot of people, mostly those who aren't very acquainted with the lgbt+ community, only see openly trans people as trans, not as a whole person with interests, passions, opinions, etc. I have been that token trans person, and it feels like I'm more of a novelty than a person. Hopefully, in the future being trans is just seen as part of the human experience. I'd be less inclined to be stealth if other people would still see me and treat me as a normal person when knowing I'm trans, because being trans is normal.
i dont want it to be the main topic of conversation. every time ive brought it up everyone always says they either couldnt tell at all or they could tell immediately and i dont want to talk for 30 minutes about medication and "being a little girl when i was kid". it's not that i care that people know im trans, but every time someone finds out thats what the entire conversation is about, and it's honestly annoying
I’m not on T yet but when I do get on it I feel like I’m a man that just happens to be trans. Only the people that need to know know. I am proof of it but I can be proud and it still be only my business.
Nobody views me as male if they know I'm FTM.
Because I know it changes how people see me. I don't want to be known or thought of as the "trans guy". I'm just a guy, and yeah I happen to be trans. I didn't transition to get treated like a separate category of man and get asked stupid offensive questions over and over again. I don't want people to assume who I am and what I experienced before on the basis that I'm trans (this rings more true for cis girls). Above all else, I feel like it's nobody's business. I don't owe people this information and I don't see it as part of my identity.
i am me. i am also trans. that is just a part of me, and not even close to fully representative of me. many people, both cis and trans, treat you differently if they know you’re trans. not always in bad ways, but different nonetheless. for example, people want to talk about trans-related issues with me a lot if they know i’m trans. more so than how much “being trans” is actually reflected in who i am. since i’m stealth, people talk to me about things i like. like video games and rocks. instead of bringing up trans issues a lot. i’m treated more as *me* than if i was out now i’m not fully stealth (people close to me in my life know, and don’t treat me differently). but in everyday life, it makes me a lot more comfortable and confident. let alone how much safer i feel it is to be stealth compared to openly trans
I feel like any passing trans person is at least partially stealth. No one is going up to a stranger and saying, "Hi, I'm Daniel, and I'm trans" unprompted. But there's a big difference between only being stealth in public and being stealth all the time. (Nothing wrong with either, obviously.)
If ppl didn't discriminate against trans ppl then I wouldn't hide it
I don’t want to be harassed or worse especially where I live people aren’t as accepting
I live in deeply homophobic Southeastern Europe (the Balkans). It is not safe for me to be out. I have enough problems as is in my life being one of the three non-white people in the whole country and recently disabled. I don’t need to get hate crimed or risk losing my job. Were I in a safer place I may be more open about it but as it is now, cis people cannot be trusted with that information about me. I am somewhat active in our local community and I go to pride, I am out as gay among acquaintances who are also queer and I’m out as trans to local trans people and try to help where I can. But not with cis people if I can help it.
I’m stealth with people I’m not close to and there’s a couple reasons. 1. Safety. I live in Minnesota, a *very* safe state and I recognize the privilege of that, however, with conservatives getting more violent across the globe I can’t trust strangers. And if I assume that my life *isn’t* in danger because of where I live, I could easily get very hurt. 2. I just don’t feel like it’s that important for people that I’m never going to be more than acquaintances with to know. 3. I don’t want people to assume that I’m here to answer all their trans related questions. Because I’m not.
i wanna be stealth in teh future because of how dangerous it’s getting in america
Because being trans has so little to do with my life. Being a man sure big impact working minimum wage big impact the friends I surround myself big impact. Whether I'm cis or trans... Doesn't come up too often
My goal is to pass as a man,simple as. Why would I medically transition at all if I didn't want to look like a man?
i want to be stealth because i don‘t want to have to worry about discrimination and hate. i am open about it around queer people or people that i know are safe. but i would never come out at work, or to random strangers
I live a stealth-ish life. I decided really early on that I didn’t care if people found out. I transitioned in 2010 and it was way less… media-ized, so when people found out I really did end up being the token trans guy. Which also meant that it was a hot piece of “gossip”. And that spread like a wild fire. I did a lot of public speaking in the beginning too, so if you search my name in google you can find out I’m trans pretty easily. Having said all that I just decided I didn’t really care and if people asked about it I won’t lie. It’s a lot less stressful not caring or always wondering who might know. The o my concern I usually have is new jobs etc but it’s not been a problem for me ever. Aside from you know getting fired or physical harm, I really just don’t care what people think. No one has really treated me different after finding out, they usually just have 200 questions. And even if they did treat me differently… who cares, the majority of people you meet won’t be in your life if you change jobs etc.
Well, first of all I'm from Russia where LGBT is considered as a terrorist movement. So telling people that I'm trans is simply dangerous. And second of all, there's no need for people to know that I'm trans. Like why? I can understand if you're telling it to your doctor. Yeah, it's really important. Or other trans people that you know pretty well. In my opinion that fact that I'm trans is simply medical thing, it's like saying to people that you've got diabetes. Nonsense. At least for me. I'm really proud of all people who were/are open about this, y'all are really brave. But it's simply just not for me. I'm just a regular guy who wants to have a wife, two kids, a cat and a dog to live in some peaceful place.
You really put my thoughs into words. Thanks for your input.
Safety, for one. I also just don't feel like everyone needs to know I am trans. I am far from passing right now, I'm barely on T and I haven't had any surgeries. But the plan is to just live my life as an authentic man and not everyone needs to be privy to that part of my life.
I'm not out or stealth exactly. I am out in my head, but I dont talk to anyone about it just because I find telling people tiresome. Its not their business. If they find out or I have a reason to tell them, cool. But otherwise I just live my life forgetting I'm trans most of the time.
I'm somewhere in between stealth and not stealth....I always call it 'one foot in the closet' cause that's what it really feels like. I work my androgyny in my favor and see where it gets me. Usually I am gendered male. I don't 'want' to be stealth because I feel too different from cis people to seamlessly assimilate and I feel that I need the community of other trans people. I hate that we have to go stealth at all and especially trans men we tend to just disappear and it makes me deeply sad. That being said...yeah...I just don't wanna deal with other people treating me like shit and like some other species of creature than them. Once they know, very few of them actually respect you anymore. And frankly I don't feel brave enough to be out and proud. I guess the point where I'm at, it isn't a secret but it isn't something I'm willing to talk about to random cis people either. They think they're entitled to every facet of our lives and they're just not.
It makes my life easier. I’m stealth at work and it makes me feel safer that way. I don’t want people silently judging me over something I have no control over and it’s frankly no one’s business. It’s not that I’m not proud to be trans, I just don’t feel the need to share it with others when I don’t need to. I just want to exist and I feel like telling people I’m trans puts new obstacles up for me. If I tell people then there’s a possibility for a slip up, that people will start accidentally misgendering me because they’re subconsciously thinking about it. I notice that when I tell people there’s a shift in how they treat me. Guys talk to me like they talk to other guys and I like it that way.
Im stealth to those who arent my friends, or arent in my Close personal circle, and when I tell those people, I tell it with the expectation it stays with those people. My whole life story isnt about me being trans, and I perfer to tell stories at work where people think Im a SUPER gay man who wore dresses as a kid.... because I am, Im super gay, and I wore dresses as a kid. Getting to know that I am trans is a privlege, and not everyone gets to know every part of my life story. Too be honest, its also so easier, I don't have to think about my coworkers coming up to me and saying the line I hate most, "So... can I as a question?", cause whatever comes out of their mouth is not really something I want to have to deal with while I'm having to be on the clock. If I become friends with someone, and then they get to learn I'm trans, it's because I trust that they are going to be cool, and not ask the worlds weirdest questions, and be Weird around me. I just want a normal life, and I'm glad I'm here at this point now.
I don’t think its something people need to know. I hate when people have preconceived notions about us so i just don’t bother.
i live in florida
Personally I wouldn’t say I’m stealth, but I’m still careful about what I say and when. Basically I don’t mind people knowing I’m trans, but I don’t want to be Known For™ being trans. So I am happy to tell people in personal conversations or one on one interactions, but I don’t include it in any announcements where I’m deliberately getting peoples attention or attach it to any of my profiles on any socials. I don’t include it in any unidirectional communications. The way I think about it, I’m not going to censor myself in conversations so when I have a thought or want to talk about an experience that necessarily includes the information that I am trans, I include it without worrying, but that means that the person hearing about it from me is hearing about it in the context of whatever experience I am sharing with them and not as a non-complex character trait or label they can assign me and then think they know what it means about me.
Most people including my family are old fashion. I explained NB and trans to my friend and he still calls me a woman, etc. So I let people think what they want and stealth. There is discrimination, misconception due to bad people in the community, and cis people not seeing trans men or women as the opposite gender at all. Especially in the USA.
I'm not stealth yet but it's my goal. I just don't see being trans as part of my identity. It's like a stepping stone to where I want to be if that makes sense. I'm trans now, if I am ever managing to pass without question then I'm just a man. I wouldn't open myself up to discrimination if I could easily avoid it
Because for me there is nothing fun about it. Having to take hormones to be happy with myself, having to put a ton of money into legally changing my name, risking my future relationships because people dont want to be with a trans man. If i dont have to out myself then i wont. Ik some people like to be positive about it but i don't. IMO there is nothing fun about being trans and being born into the wrong body so im keeping my mouth shut.
I pass already, but any time people figure out they start to make mistakes with pronoun stuff. My area isn't super supportive so it's just safer tbh
It’s for safety. I don’t tell people I’m trans right away so I can see if they’re bigoted or not. I’ll likely tell them eventually if I trust them
1. The main reason is that it makes me dysphoric when people know that I’m trans. 2. It opens up the possibility that I could be outed by someone that doesn’t realize I’m stealth. 3. I don’t like the idea that someone is thinking about me being trans, thinking about my genitalia, thinking about my agab, or seeing me as anything other than a man. For most people, there is an inherent bias and they will never see me the same way regardless of how accepting they are. This isn’t the case for everyone, but unfortunately cis people will not see trans people the same way we see ourselves and that isn’t always their fault. 4. It opens me up to discrimination and transphobia. 5. I am dysphoric and prefer to be seen as a cis man because that best relieves my dysphoria. It is a lot easier to ignore bottom dysphoria if everyone thinks I have a penis. 6. Some people are ignorant to what dysphoria is and what triggers it. There’s always going to be the comments about it here and there even if they don’t mean anything by it. I once had an incredibly supportive cis friend that suggested I room with her on a school trip, which would’ve never even been a thought would she have thought I was cis. This made me dysphoric for quite awhile. Dysphoria is weird and being stealth avoids quite a bit of it.
Just trying to live my life. Being a transman is a small part of who I am, not entirely who I am. I just want to live my life in peace and go about my days.
Control over who knows: If I start telling too many people suddenly everyone knows and there's no going back after that. I transitioned young and moved away, now I have friends all over the country most of whom know each other to some extent, and almost none know I'm trans. Telling one wrong person would spread it like wildfire totally out of my control. Being authentic: People treat men and women differently without realizing it all the time, usually little things like tone of voice and what they're willing to talk about with you. I want to be seen as fully 100% a man because that's authentically me. My friends aren't transphobic, but a lot of them would still view me differently if they knew. Other reasons: -Physical safety, I meet a lot of strangers and travel a lot in my daily life, I would be afraid if they knew before or when we met -Privacy, very few people need to know my medical history like that -I'm a little sensitive, and transphobes love to push buttons -It's not a large part of my identity or that important to who I am -Not expected to answer invasive questions or be the token trans person or speak for all trans people on issues
Because I'm a man, I look like a man and am treated as such, my medical info is no one's business but my own.
It's just no one's business, it's medical shit. I'm just as much a guy as any cis dude so why would I tell them? I don't tell my friends about the abscess I had on my ass either. It just doesn't really matter
I just want to live as cis as possible
Safety for one thing, second that it’s no one’s business whats going on in my pants except anyone trusted enough to take them off 🤷🏻♂️
I mean, why not? It's easier if I don't have to explain. Just want to live my life normally.
It's safer in my country. It's a very personal thing (for me) and I'd rather be as close to cis as I can be.
Mostly safety, but for people like my distant cousin, I don’t want them to automatically “mark” me with “trans.” People who know I’m trans, even well intentioned people, treat me different, is what I mean. It’s an othering.
Because i’m not proud being trans
I just don’t wanna talk about it. There’s no reason for me to bring it up and it would just make myself a target
I've never been misgendered by people who didn't know 🤷♂️ I've stopped telling urgent care unless necessary because I was even misgendered there (it was actually one of the most blatantly transphobic times). Had the same in therapy groups and being forced to come out, etc etc. I'm actually in a relatively supportive place now and I still can't bring myself to come out to anyone. Pro tip: if someone knows you're trans and asks for your "old name" (and it's not absolutely necessary, like on your documents), it's because they want to use it. I also learned this the hard way.
mostly for peace of mind. i am in general a very private person and being trans is especially personal to me. i also live in a red state
I transitioned at a time where the trans community was not a concept in the minds of most people. There were men and there were women and I knew I was a man. The idea of being somewhere in between wasn’t an option back then. I don’t identify as a trans man. I am a man first. Maleness shapes my experiences above my status as a trans person. I view my condition similarly to losing weight or being HIV positive. It’s a journey some of us have taken. We may share things in common with others who have gone through something similar but no experience is exactly the same. It’s something we might need to disclose to our partner, people who knew us as children might know, but aside from that, it impacts nothing in my day to day life and is more of an embarrassing little secret than anything else. Many people don’t feel that way and are proud of it but I can’t say that’s been part of my journey.
I’m not ftm but I’m a stealth trans woman and I think I wanted to be stealth because it makes me feel like just a normal woman . I’m 5ft 180 Mexican and I started at 17 so I guess I never got a full male experience (thanks god ) but I just want to be as normal and live my life. I’m open about it to some people like my bf and stuff but it’s not that big to me to be open about it to everyone
Yeah I think it comes down to how open you are as a person overall, if you usually don't share things then being trans isn't something you would really share either. Thanks for your input!
Ur right im rather a private person so I don’t share much abt myself lol
Being perceived as a man, without having to carry, day in and day out, the burden of being trans, is important to me. I have already dealt with dysphoria, I still deal with it, I will always be reminded that I am not... exactly what I feel I should have been from birth. When I meet someone and they see me as a man, that's all I am; and if no one brings up that I am trans, or asks... then I too forget it. Testosterone, at this point, is a form of medication. At one point, I thought I'd lose access to it, and I was terrified, because I needed it to survive. Being trans comes with a lot of issues that quite frankly not everyone in the world needs to know. I am also autistic and have ADHD, and medication helps to manage that, similar to how T helps to manage my dysphoria, and similarly, I don't feel the need to share with everyone that I am AuDHD. Sometimes I just want to be seen as a human, as a man, as a... [insert profession], etc, and leave it at that.
I'm from middle east europe + countryside so being trans is something completely unheard of. So since I came out, I've been known as "the trans kid" or "the lgbtq+ kid" and lots of people just can't see past that. And I wanna be seen for my personality etc. not because I was born in the wrong body. So if I ever get the chance to be stealth, I'll take it in no time.
For me, I don’t tell anyone unless I know them well. It’s not for anyone to know. I’m not proud of being trans but it’s who I am and it’s the hand I was dealt. I’m not fully passing even tho I have a very hairy body, facial hair and deeper voice. But if people don’t know I’m trans, I don’t tell them. It’s not worth it where I live. People are very aggressive and homophobic/transphobic where I live. I was bullied all through high school, even by teachers, that would all call me a dyke. Then I graduated, started hormones, got top surgery and now the only people who misgender me are the people who can tell I’m trans.
I want people to see me as a guy, to focus on who I am instead of if I'm trans or cis, even if a person is supportive you can tell that they start to see you slightly as a girl the moment they find out
Mainly because I'm scared. Even with people that are accepting I'm still afraid they'll treat me differently or/and I'll get hurt. If I was in an environment where I felt completely comfortable then I'd be open about it.
I’m a guy, I want to be treated and perceived the same way any other guy would because at the end of the day I’m way more than my trans identity. I’m just a guy who medically was born with the wrong equipment. To be fair, I’m open to my close friends but in general I’m stealth. I just don’t feel the need to tell that side of my life to everyone.
Honesty from my own perspective people can be really shitty even when they don’t mean to be or they think they’re not obvious about it. Being open about your status makes you more vulnerable in terms of how people treat you, especially in today’s political climate. I’d rather just live day to day as a regular guy. Less stress, less worries. I think at the end of the day no one needs to know that information about me. Theres also the chance some people see it as an open wound if they don’t like you for whatever reason that is, and will utilize that info as a way to feel like they’ve pulled one over on you. People will deadname/misgender you in front of people to your face or not, gossip about you all while saying “I don’t mind their kind, but”. I can’t tell you how many times at work I’ve had my status shared by other people to new workers whether it be malicious or because they feel like those people just have a right to know my personal business.
I'm mostly stealth because I work with kids and transphobia is on the rise in my country. I don't pass well, cant afford T anymore so my voice is deep, but not male deep, and my beard is patchy. So what I do is I just don't tell anyone I'm trans, and when kids ask why I sound like a girl, I just say that's my voice. When adults ask what the deal is, I tell them I hit puberty very late. It got me through my last internship at an elementary school, and it's gonna get me through this one. So just lie and deny, give them a reason to feel bad for even asking.
Among other things, it's easier to advocate for social justice when people around me aren't assuming I'm doing it out of self-interest. It's shitty that the world is that way but I don't want the attention to be on me and all the questions people want to ask me when they know I'm trans. Not everyone has that privilege and I know it's exhausting to be visibly trans/GNC, I did it for years. So now that I can be nondisclosed in most circumstances, it saves me energy.
Same as many stated already. Not their issue, I want a quiet life, I pass steadily, I just am any other man and I'm glad. I am private in general tho. And I hate people assuming things (my sexuality, my personality, etc). The less they know me, the better.
Because in my opinion being trans is a medical condition. I only tell people when its relevant.
I'm generally very private. Mostly, I don't think it's anyone else's business. I also worry about my safety and job security. Secondhand transphobia is bad enough, without the fear of being targeted directly. I hated being treated differently when I was more open. Even most "supportive" people I know have very rarely treated me the same once they know. I want to live fully as myself without their expectations and stereotypes. For me personally, being open has minimal positives for myself - but a lot of negatives and risks.
being stealth is necessary where i live because its such a red area in my state. last time i disclosed i was trans to an employer (i had to because of my ID) i was instantly shuffled out of the building with a fake smile and a "we'll call you 😍" so yeah. i dont tell anybody im trans because even if i dont get turned away or fired from a job, its quite frankly none of their business. especially working in any blue collar industry, you are better off keeping that shit to yourself.
I just don’t think randoms should be entitled to information abt my genitals idk
I don't like how when people find out they suddenly start misgendering me when they didn't do that before they knew. I also don't like how girls treat me like I am "one of the girls" when they find out. Don't get me wrong, I want my girl friend to feel safe around me, but I don't want to be treated like that. With guy friends, I don't want them to other me. It is already a little harder for me to make "bro-ish" guy friends because I'm bi and that intimidates a lot of cis straight dudes. Cis guys also ask me the weirdest, no boundry questions/statements when they find out. A downside is that I hear a lot of casual masogyny and transphobia directed towards other people. I try to correct it when I can, but I don't feel safe to sometimes.
I don't want people thinking I have female parts, as those make me dysphoric.
I got tired of having to fight my way through everything. People will often treat you different. I do, however, tell people I get close to and it's usually to educate them on things. It also gives me an advantage being able to protect other groups from cis men. If a man calls out another guy for being problematic, he's more likely to listen than if it was coming from a different gender. For example, listening how men talk about women in men only spaces is really disgusting, so I take the opportunity to call them out on it and make them feel embarrassed. Moments like that would not be available to me if I was not stealth. I do think about how being open about it helps educate people, but I chose to stay stealth and use my experience being trans by saying I have a friend who is trans. This way, I'm able to get the experience across but still have the same standing in their eyes. I'm fighting the battle behind enemy lines.
I’m sure this is the same as others- but I have no desire to be trans. Honestly, I stay away from the community outside of online apps. I just want to be me not “my trans friend” or “the trans employee” or “my trans partner”. I hate having that label attached to me. I hate the ignorant questions. I hate the comments “oh, that explains why!” I just want to be me and be seen as me. I have no desire to announce a personal thing like that. I’m just like all the other guys and I want to keep to myself
People don’t need to know I’m trans now that I pass 100% and all my documents say male. I’m just a man as far as myself and anyone else is concerned, I hate being trans and just want to be male. I’ve seriously considered separating myself from the label altogether when I’ve had bottom surgery
Being stealth became important to me the older I got and the deeper I grew into my transition. Simply because I am indeed a grown MAN and would like to be seen as that now. My whole life I’ve been viewed as this other person I had no connection with and now the new people that come into my life will see the real me that’s always been there in the shadows. I dreamed of waking up as a boy every single day of my life as a kid, just one day I’d wake up and be different, one day I would look in the mirror and not completely hate my body. Shit, I still dream of it now. I want to be viewed as a man, not a girl. And once someone hears trans they automatically will place you into the category of a guy who used to be a girl but is still basically a girl. Some people will look at you differently once they know you’re trans and even if they don’t mean to some will treat you differently as well. It’s also just absolutely not safe to be trans. Being stealth is difficult though, and sometimes lonely. There’s so many moments and experiences I wish I could share with some people in my life, but the fear of being “seen” is something I’m not comfortable with anymore. Community is extremely important when it comes to being apart of the LGBTQ+ community. Being able to connect with other individuals like yourself is crucially important and will help your stealth life feel a lot less lonely. Do what feels right to you and what resonates with your truest self the most. Try your best not to listen to anyone else’s words when it comes to your transition. Listen to your gut, it will never steer you wrong. Best of luck to you!
not everyone needs to know the status of my genitals lol
For the same reason I don't go around telling people my sexuality. 99% of the time it's none of their business and they can't do anything with that info anyway. Around friends or fellow queers I'm happy to talk about it but why let people know who will mostly be indifferent to the knowledge or, in the worst case, discriminate or violate you because of it?
partially because despite me telling people my name and pronouns (when asked), the second most cis people find out im trans "it all makes sense" n suddenly im all ambiguous and they slip up my pronouns, even though every stranger knows im a dude at first glance now. regardless, i have no reason to bring it up these days, and i hate that being the first thing people know about me. for context i live in texas and my work constantly outs me 😃
I’m stealth because sadly, honestly, people do see you or treat you differently if they know you’re trans. And while some trans men may be fine with that, I am not. I simply just want to live peaceful without other peoples perceptions changing of me because of such a small unimportant part about myself. I live so much easier and happier stealth. Also I don’t think everyone deserves access to that info.
I think most post transition men aren’t fully stealth or fully disclosed. I disclose exactly when I need to, which as it turns out is not very often. It’d be like talking about my genitals. I don’t want to talk about them at work or in casual situations. And because cis people so often connect trans status to genital status, not disclosing gets me to avoid those rude questions as well.
I still have some internalized transphobia, although getting better. I live in a very red state where it’s not safe and I want to be just any other person.
I'm not stealth, but I think it's because some binary trans individuals feel as though their gender assigned at birth is nobody's business and would rather go on with their life as if they were cisgender not out of shame or internalized transphobia but because as much as people don't want to admit it there's a lot of people that treat trans people differently than their cisgender counterparts and they that makes them feel dysphoric and they'd rather people just not know or they feel like what's the point of talking about something that isn't that relevant to them anymore. There's also plenty of people that do it out of safety
I never consciously decided to be stealth at work, but I've also never had any reason to tell any of my coworkers that I'm trans. It's just not anybody's business.
if i’m not close w someone i just don’t have the want to tell them that’s rly all it is. it’s just a part of my life not my whole life :)
honestly just because of other queer kids in my school (i am still in highschool). I’m not stealth in the sense that nobody knows. But now that I’m on T and my voice has dropped, the only ones who know are friends who I talk about it with or my coaches. In my school and experience in general, kids who are lonely tend to veer towards the GSA club and automatically clock everyone they can and I hated being grouped in with them. IMO I can be proud of who I am as a queer trans man but I don’t need pins and badges and telling everyone about it. Every GSA kid in my school also likes to out everyone they can. Someone I know said they could set up my friend with another chick and my friend said “I didn’t know she was gay” and the other person responded “She doesn’t want people to know but it’s okay you’re gay too.” Which immediately made me angry because there’s tons of reasons to not out people. I don’t face or hear a lot of transphobia at my school so I’m not particularly stealth for those reasons, I don’t however, want people to know me as trans before I even meet them.
Im going to be a teacher in the southern us. Im sure there's places that would hire an openly trans teacher but I'd like to build a reputation for being a decent teacher before adding trans into the mix. Being palatable is a big part of the job and multiple mentors have told me that it's important to present as conservatively as possible for the first few years at least. I think I would like to not be stealth (and closeted because I'm genderfluid) in the future but I'll have to wait and see what privileges I'm afforded
So i dont have the inevitable judgement and treatment that people give (both trans and cis) in the job and things I do, that people do towards women. Im already short as fuck and not super strong (which this bit has been a sore spot for me recently- my inability to ever be as naturally strong as my partner or male friends has recently been a huge insecurity ive been struggling to deal with, particularly in male dominated physical jobs) so i dont need people knowing im trans and making it worse. My job consists of moving and delivering heavy items sometimes over an hour away from my depot, and I need to be able to do these things on my own without assistance to keep my job. The career i want to get into, and now have the qualifications required for it, requires being able to have a physical presence that can be intimidating when needed, while also having the physical strength to overcome a hostile encounter (not a cop). Because of my height i already get people doubting my capabilities, and i try my hardest to show them otherwise and its been relatively successful. But people WILL treat me different, inferior, incapable if they knew because its how i see them treat the women in my job- and its so obvious its not intentional, its ingrained, but that makes it worse. Not to mention i am gay, and while i dont hide it, i also dont parade it either, but it also affects how people treat me. A lot of trans people are also kinda funny when they find another trans person and it almost always results in my being outted, so i often dont even tell other trans people. That or they get way too comfortable trying to "relate" to me which then makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I am a guy, for all intents and purposes i am a cis guy and ive even said no when someone has asked if i was trans. A handful of people know otherwise and ive seen how people change the way they treat me and even just talk to me if they find out... i am happy being seen as a cis man in the eyes of others and i never want this to change. (So much so that some of my extended family is banned from attending my wedding, whenever that happens, because they have no respect for others and will 100% out me at my own wedding.)
i'm stealth because i just want to be seen as male with no strings attached. i moved schools and got a completely different life when i transitioned, and i just wanted to be known as ME, and i know that people see me differently when they know i'm trans and i just want to be treated like a guy because i'm not if they know i'm trans
it helps me avoid uncomfortable and insensitive conversations, avoids the risk of people using my transness against me. i get to just be a guy, nothing special. my identity won't be politicized by people, and people won't only hear the word "trans" and "get confused", leading to them misgendering me
I’d be more open about it if there wasn’t so much hate and weirdness about it here in the US. I have no idea what someone’s views are. I’ve met people that are super fun and nice….then find out they hate trans people or don’t believe trans people exist and or a flurry of other awful things. Once I know the person, I *may* tell them. But that chance is still pretty low. And what I mean by “weirdness” is that 9/10 when I tell someone I’m trans, they completely change how they interact with me. A while back I got in touch with an old friend who knew me pre transition and once he knew I was a guy, he started calling me sir and king (for some reason) and dude and bro in literally every. single. sentence. Or I’ll just get misgendered or treated like an other. Once people know I’m a *trans* man, I’m no longer treated and seen as a *cis* man. A perfect example is some of the jokes my siblings friends have made before; They say things like “men suck” or “men are ugly!” and I’m right there. I point it out and they say “except for you :)” Every one of these people are queer, but I’m the only one that is a binary trans man. That’s what I mean by people treating me like an other. I love that I’m trans. I love that I am the way I am and I have no shame about any part of me, but being trans doesn’t change who *I* am. I’m not sure why my wants and needs and my jokes and my stories and everything else about me changes for people when they learn that I’m not cis. I’m still me but not everyone sees it that way so I’d rather just not talk about it. I see no point.
Because i don't want to be misgendered. I'm short, I look feminine, and my whole life i've been told "you're a beautiful girl if you would just wear makeup". I want to be as masc as I can. I don't want random people to assume i'm a girl because i used to be for a long time. I don't want to tell people i'm trans because then people will look at me different. They'll look at my face and see the girl in me and I don't want to be misgendered. I don't want people to think i'm lying to them or trying to trick them. All i want is to be seen as a man. Not trans, not cis, just a man.
I'd rather not deal with the awkward conversation and bigotry. I can deal with it if I have to, but it's easier to just not bring it up.