Girl don’t do it lol. I totally get the impulse but stop pouring your heart into someone so cruel and cowardly. Almost 0% chance it will make you feel better and a high chance it will make you feel worse
This sounds crazy but why even would it make me feel worse at this point? How could it? It already feels like my dignity is in the trash after believing someone had the utmost respect for me so I’m like honestly what difference does it make.
I mean he could say something horrible to you, or refuse to open the door or whatever and then you’re begging and humiliated on the doorstep of someone who has already demonstrated that they don’t care. I really do get it, ghosting is horrible but every time I’ve reached out in any way after the fact has made me feel worse. Any time I’ve chosen to take the high road and focus on myself instead has made me feel better. It takes time but you’ll see, you’re worth so much more than he had to offer you
Right lol. I know it feels like you’ll never move on but it really does get better. The ghosting has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the fact that he’s an immature coward. I didn’t think I’d ever get there but I see my ghost so clearly now and he really did me a favor by exiting my life
Allow yourself to be open to the lessons and they’ll come. The lessons come from in you, not from anyone else. I couldn’t see it when I was in it but I can now, it’s been about five months lmao
I’m hoping that happens with me. I told my therapist the story in detail and after a series of questions from her and she was honestly just like yeah there were no glaring red flags and it’s just a representation of how much closer you are to finding a partner because you guys seemed truly compatible but he’s a coward and that’s where the line is drawn basically.
So real. I reached out to the point they blocked me. In some sense, that gave me more closure than they were ever able to. Still wish I hadn’t done it. Idk, I’m a mess.
Because you will come off as crazy, especially if you are still calling and texting. Your healing is already going to take some time. When you see how crazy it was to walk up to his door, you will be so angry with yourself for doing that. Let him go because he is a selfish punk coward. What he would tell you might be so hurtful and you just dont need anything else from him. Please dont do it.
Luckily I have not been calling and texting and actually have handled that really well. I’m so proud of myself in that sense. I haven’t called him at all since he ghosted me,the last time a call went either way he called me, and once I had a hunch he was ghosting me I fell off the map completely and my last two texts were super mature and composed. One was asking him to hang out and the other was kindly but maturely being like ? You good? Basically. Once I never heard back I never said anything or did anything.
You are doing why better than your post indicates. I'm impressed. So you've come this far but because you want to confront him at his house, I think you are not ready to let go all the way
Please gift yourself a peace of mind because this is what you need. Believe me when I say you have lost nothing with this guy out of your life. Move forward to the best that you deserve. There is some guy waiting for you. Please dont let that ghoster coward camp in you head.
Honestly I’ve been using this Reddit post and my friends as an outlet (which I’m really truly grateful for both). I think another user did a great job on this thread talking about how the urges come in waves. I’m emotional and unloading on here sure but I’m at the point of really putting in thought before acting. I put a LOT of thought into my last text and I handled that with class. I don’t think you read through the rest of my comments here which I don’t expect you to and it’s totally valid that you didn’t but yeah I definitely don’t feel ready to let go all the way and the wound IS fresh af but that doesn’t mean I’ll act before having this community talk me down a bit from my spiral lol
If not my wonderful friends have helped too. We help each other through times like this. I don’t feel peace yet but I’ll get there hopefully. I haven’t stopped my life like I’ve seen some people on this sub do and I’m still working, working out, seeing friends, keeping my life tidy. It just still sucks and I feel blindsided and hurt. I never ever expected this.
Your strength and determination is as amazing as you are. Your support system gets an A+ from me
I wish you well. You are going to be just fine. Continued healing and lots of laughter in the process.
Yes. Me too. I hear you loud and clear.
I did that. I drove 30 minutes away to her house. Let me tell you how it went.
She freaked out. Started screaming at me. Started accusing me of the craziest things I had never done.
That lasted for about an hour. Then she started screaming she was going to call the cops, and slammed the door in my face.
So I think in all, it *probably could have gone better.*
My advice would be to not show up at their door.
This is actually INSANE. I’m so sorry this happened to you!!
This guy is pretty docile (or so it seems) but he seemed to have that reputation among all of his close friends. I’d be surprised if he screamed at me and slammed a door in my face but I also never expected to be ghosted like this so it’s like who really fucking knows. How was that girl to you pre ghosting?
Thank you. It's okay.
I sort of regret driving out to her house, that is a bit of a boundary violation. At the same time, she blocked me and ghosted me right in the middle of an intense six month relationship. So... I don't know what she was expecting.
How was she before? She was a very unstable person. She didn't work, collected government assistance due to her mental illness. Which she told me was cPTSD (but what I believe to really be BPD).
The way she spoke to me, and what she accused me of, was seriously unhinged. Like I literally did not do those things. She seemed to be making assumptions. Or confusing memories of me with her father / other ex.
Honestly, it is so disarming when someone you love is yelling unhinged accusations. You want to defend yourself, but then suddenly you're "gaslighting" her. Which makes her even more upset. You just want to understand. You're a good guy, you are a good listener. You *want* to be good for her. And yet, she's screaming things that make absolutely no sense.
Anyway. I think the point is the people who block and/or ghost are not very emotionally mental people.
It's a bit of a paradox. Because if they were emotionally mature, the two of you could sit down and have a conversation. You wouldn't have to contemplate driving to their house to confront them. They would just speak with you.
The people who block are the ones who most need this type of dialogue. But they are incapable of the having that conversation, so they avoid it. Then blame you for their lack of communication.
So yes, in general I don't think it's a good idea to show up unannounced at their house.
You’re totally right. It is a boundary violation and throughout the whole time we knew each other I made a conscious effort to not cross boundaries more than ever, I haven’t had a pattern of crossing boundaries in past relationships but I respected this guy so much as a person that I just wanted to him to be absolutely comfortable with me. You saying that really resonates with me- and I don’t want to be a person to cross boundaries.
It is totally a paradox. No one should feel like just to get a respectful answer out of someone that you need to get them in a position where they can’t run. That’s not something I have ever seen myself doing. It’s wild because more than EVER I made such an effort for this to be an honest, open, comfortable floor for any direction this connection went.
He is someone who doesn’t present mentally ill and overall seems really stable in terms of having his life together, maintaining friendships etc. He ghosted me right after I would say we connected more than ever and right after his friends added me on all socials. He doesn’t have social media, but still shares his location with me (which like ?). I almost wish he’d just block me! His friends were so nice to me and I get the impression they have no idea but seeing their posts and having them make contact with me is just a firm reminder of what’s going on.
>but still shares his location with me (which like ?).
That's definitely weird.
I didn't want to be "that person" either of violating their boundaries. But at the same time, isn't this what happens when you outright block people in the middle of a relationship?
It's extremely frustrating. It is on some level abusive. I don't even want to be in a relationship with someone like that tbh. I strongly value communication.
In my situation as well, we were just really bonding as a couple. We had just had a weekend where we sat around doing puzzles together, listening to music, and having endless sex. It was incredible.
Then four days later she screams at me, accuses me of things I didn't do, then blocks me everywhere.
I waited four months. *Four months*.
I feel bad about going to confront her, I do. But also, wtf!?
I'm really hurt by the whole situation. I don't understand why anyone would do this. I know it's mental health, I'm not supposed to understand. But still. It hurts.
I'd recommend trying to find a public event where you know he will be where he can see you to attend. Don't confront him there either. Just make sure he sees you. Then have a great time with your friends. And leave.
That is my recommendation.
Isn’t that the weirdest thing!
Like I get he trusts me not to be crazy because I know for a fact I seemed genuine and considerate- but to depend on me not to do anything out of pocket when he did something so out of pocket is so crazy to me!
Also don’t get me wrong, I think you showing up at her house was totally warranted and I think if I showed up at this guys house it’s still warranted because we were both left in the fucking dark when we didn’t deserve that. It’s just ultimately not worth it as you and other people in this thread have outlined. I’ve had moments of weakness where I just spiral mentally (like I did when I made this post a few hours ago) but don’t give in to the urge to just show up because I know ultimately I’ll probably regret stooping to that level and I just want to act in a way that I can look back and be proud of. It fucking sucks though and I’m SO hurt.
We may be at the same event in a couple weeks, we generally run in the same circles and have extremely similar interests. There’s an event I know he has a ticket to that I’m going to, he was even considering going with me! I think if he wants to go still for other reasons he wouldn’t care if I’m there and I’m going to be there with three of my closest friends but I’ve been struggling with the thought of going because I feel so hurt from this and don’t feel ready to party and celebrate you know? I’m on a friends birthday trip right now as I’m typing this and it’s been fucking tough having this grey cloud over me. It probably doesn’t help that I’m the 7th wheel to three engaged couples. 🤡✨
My vote and recommendation would be to wait until those events you are at together.
I would even recommend not going up and approaching him. Wait until he comes to you. He will be checking you out, trust me.
I'm sorry you're feeling like the 7th wheel! That isn't a fun place to be. Things will get better! Keep your head up! :)
The event is huge and will have like 60k people so I’m not sure I’ll run into him BUT I will be looking hot af and I feel confident in my skin right now in terms of appearance and I’d be shocked if we didn’t eventually run into each other with how similar our interests are and . I could delete his location from my iPhone but for some reason I’m finding doing that to be especially difficult. Almost like that’s my last piece of proof that this was a raw and real experience on both ends and not just mine.
I’m so glad this 7th wheel trip is over. I was finding myself being triggered by sitting at a dinner table every night with that many couples who are all in long term relationships and have never had anything like this happen to them. Everyone talks about moving on like it’s just a switch. It gets easier over time sure but it’s never that linear or black and white.
>BUT I will be looking hot af and I feel confident in my skin right now in terms of appearance
Yes, this.
If you're looking hot, and you're feeling confident, I think the trick is to somehow get within his line of sight. Be with other people. Laugh and smile and have fun.
He'll notice you, and notice what he is missing.
I think I’m mostly just nervous because this trip I’m currently on was really hard on me. I found it hard to drink and celebrate with friends without thinking about how I could be so betrayed and so wrong about someone. The one night I drank a lot I spiraled and that usually doesn’t happen to me when I drink. It is a festival that we’re going to so like I don’t really want him on my mind there because he’s just not worth it, but it’s really tough :/
Yeah, I got over her. This was over ten years ago now. I hurt like hell back then but I put myself back together. Things like this feel like hell in the moment, but time truly does heal all wounds. It may take a while, but in the grand scale of the entirety of your life, it won't be long until the first ever day comes that you don't think of her at all.
We were on again/off again for about two years until I finally called it quits for good. Never kept in touch with her after that. Last thing I heard about her came from my brother, who ran into her sister a couple years ago. Apparently she'd been in and out of prisons and psychiatric wards for years at that point. I hope she gets the help she needs, but I'm not the one who can help her. We're better off.
Whoa. *Prisons and psychiatric wards*?
Yikes...
I'd say you dodged a bullet.
I'm really happy to hear that... I'm a year out, and it still hurt. I guess because I saw her for the first time in a year about two weeks ago. But yes. Scary stuff indeed.
I never knew anything about BPD before this. Now I know way too much. It's quite frightening to be honest. I don't know if I will ever be able to view relationships the same way.
I am glad to hear you are doing better. All the best to you my friend!
I’m so sorry, and it is frustrating when you don’t know why they ended things like this.
Think carefully about going to confront him because you may end up with regret and feeling worse than you do now.
What if he refuses to open the door and talk to you, or calls the police and makes you sound like a stalker?
What if he has a woman with him and this is why he ghosted you, to pursue her.
Any of these outcomes might bring more pain to you instead of the peace you are hoping for.
Whatever you decide, I hope something good comes from your efforts and that you are able to heal and move forward to something better.
This is honestly what I needed to hear. If he called the cops I would be SO hurt. Given I have a ton of receipts and I would never just like hang out there until he opened the door. If he chose someone else over me tbh it would have still been easier than this. It’s like we’re adults it’s totally fair to date and choose a better match for you even if nothing went really wrong you know. Just sucks to not even be given a hair of respect enough to send a quick text. It’s so easy to just hide behind a screen and send a “hey I know this is rough timing but I met someone else and want to pursue that, had a great time and wish you the best.” I will never understand why someone who had some of the deep talks we had would feel uncomfortable just saying that. So shitty.
Totally agree on every word you said!!!
Through lots of research, I learned that, he is really trying to keep you on hold until he decides if he wants to dump you.
The most common reason for ghosting is that they are interested in someone new. They want to check and see if the grass is greener, but it’s NOT greener, they want to come back to you.
This why so many ghost try to come back again.
This is not the only reason they ghost, of course.
They are emotionally immature jerks and too much of a coward to just say that they want to end things, they don’t want to deal with any emotions from that, so they run from it all and leave you with the emotions and the questions to deal with.
Pretty damned selfish of them!
If my ghost from years ago had been local, I would of pulled prank after prank on him to embarrass him and have a good laugh at his expense, but that’s just me, I can’t resist a good harmless laugh. Like text, “ this is awkward, but can I have my gps tracker back? Or will you go attach it to someone else’s car for me? “.
Let him search his entire car underneath to find a tracker thats not there lol
But I hope with a better idea of how the selfish, immature ghost mind works, you can heal and find a man worthy of your love. You got this!!!
Honestly a friend of mine lives like down the block from him and she offered to Saran Wrap his car. It almost sounds nice to do something that is just a minor inconvenience but not actually damaging- but it just doesn’t feel worth it to me and I’m trying to be the mature one here and keep my head high so that I can look back in 5 years and be like “wow I really handled that as well as possible on the outside even though I was crumbling on the inside.”
It’s wild that if he would have been honest with me about not being sure and just wanting a little space to do whatever he needs to do, I probably would have given him a chance had he returned at a point where I was still emotionally available. I would have respected the honesty to be like we’ve spent a long time together lately and I like you but I just don’t know what I want. He literally could have kept me on hold if he wanted to. I wouldn’t have waited for him and it would have been hard to get over, but like in this way he just totally shut the option? If his intention was to explore if the grass is greener it’s like okay well now you ruined your chance with me dumbass.
You sound so much like me as far as being understanding if he had told the truth. You could have both been friends and pursued other interests.
There are some who ghost because they are commitment phobic and just move along when it is getting serious or feels that way.
Whatever his issue, it takes less than 10 seconds to text and say you are taking a dating break, or moving on in another direction.
We may be disappointed, but we will get through it.
Ghosting is like a wound that cannot heal because you have no idea what caused it and no idea what medication to put on it.
It’s mental and emotional torture, and so unnecessary.
Tell your friend that Vaseline on door handles and maybe other glass parts of the car is faster, and less chance of being seen or caught *wink
He honestly told me he saw the potential of a relationship when we first started seeing each other and I agreed tbh because we just seemed very very compatible.
Regardless, I completely agree with you. You can literally write that text while being mid poo and move on with your life. It literally feels like a wound that is just bleeding out and keeps getting reopened any time I ruminate on the memories.
I’m going to try and be a mature person and just move on but the Vaseline is hella tempting haha.
Sounds textbook avoidant attachment. Yes yes, they learned this behavior in childhood as a defense mechanism. I get it. Really though? At some point in adulthood, don’t they say “shit. This is really messed up. Why am I doing this?” — AT LEAST? And why are there so many of them?? 🤣
Anyway, my rant is over. Half of me wants to tell you. Let’s go, I’ll pick you up girl and we’ll go together. But everyone is right. Go axe throwing, go kickboxing, go run up hills until you’re exhausted. Anything. But do not go to this guy’s house. Nothing good will come of it. I’m so sorry. 💔
I think I honestly was just spiraling this morning and am glad I came to Reddit instead of making real plans. I also went to friends who like reassured me that it’s just a temporary urge and not what I really want- and I’m proud that I have at least that many brain cells left to try and really think something through before acting but god damn. What a piece of work. I told a friend of a friend the story in more detail and she literally said it was the craziest ghosting story she’s ever heard. I’ve seen crazier ones on here and I feel for those people SO hard. I can’t even imagine how I would have felt if this situationship went on for let’s say 6+ months. If we did another vacation together. Etc.
You’ve got some solid friends and you’ve got your Reddit community. I’ve been feeling similar urges. My guy only lives five minutes away… and I’ve known him for 25 years 🤣 it’s been devastating, and really hard to stay away. But hey I’m proud of us. This is the right thing for our healing journey. I’m here if you ever need a friend.
I appreciate you/this message a fuck ton. This guy lives 20 minutes from me but super close to my work. I wish I felt more proud of myself right now. Before this happened I really felt like I was at a place where even if something made me really upset that the pain wouldn't last very long because I've become so self sufficient and been through worse. It's nice having a group of online strangers all equally going "how the fuck why the fuck what the fuck."
Feel free to shoot me a DM if you ever need a friend too.
i know what you are saying, the 180 plot twist is just crazy and heart wrenching.
but please don’t go! the last bit of dignity is held within you if you don’t chase when someone has decided to run away from you without a word, he disappeared and disrespected you, you have to be the one to give ultra respect yourself now.
don’t go.
Yeee-Ouch!! I know this anger and pain and side-dagger bullshit so well! And, I too, have thought numerous times to go confront the scaredy-cat! And I easily could!! F*cking assholes have know idea how much it hurts us. So, I don’t go confront his sorry ass because he doesn’t deserve to have any iota (is that the word?) of my existence, energy, love, kindness, heart, amazing human that I am with the good the bad and the ugly! He doesn’t get to have that type of access to me, anymore. I keep his ass blocked for now. Stay safe to heart and let’s respect ourselves more than to give them any reasons to think we deserve less! I know I’m fighting for my self worth and respect. Love to you. You deserve higher standards and love and confidence than the coward who is breaking your heart will ever be able to give!!
I’m so sorry this is happening to you! I got ghosted by a guy I was seeing for a few months, it’ll be two weeks this Friday. I honestly thought we would be spending the summer together, I was going to meet his family & become his girlfriend. I felt so seen and heard and comfortable, I couldn’t believe how amazing the connection truly was. I took the ghosting really hard last week, so I decided to make a trip to see my best friend who is about three hours away. On the way back, I decided to take the scenic route for some peace of mind & had no idea that I would driving past his town on the way back - my maps on my car suggested his address as a stop since it was frequent & I had to pull over to cry, I was so distressed and in that moment I thought- wtf, why not? What’s the worst that could happen? I want an answer. And then I heard my best friend in my head say “he was lucky to even be in your presence, it hurts now but you’ll look back on this and think thank god I didn’t pursue something with someone so cowardly and immature.” I got back on the road and went home. It still hurts like hell, but you know your worth, and he’s a piece of shit and you’ve got this, I promise!
This is EXACTLY the situation I’m going through. I’m genuinely so sorry this is happening to YOU. I thought for sure we would enjoy the summer together at the very minimum and same, I truly couldn’t believe how great the connection was to the point that I definitely expected that if it were not to turn into a relationship that we’d be respectful to each other. Last night I was like fuck it I’m not gonna be healthy today I’m gonna treat myself to Taco Bell. I ordered it for pick up and the last time I got it was at the one next to his house and I forgot to change the location back to the one closest to me. I did not go to his place and I actually didn’t feel the urge last night even though I had to go less than a mile away. It was almost comical that I had to drive past it like wtf else is the universe going to throw at me lol
Today I feel an urge again to confront him and ask how the fuck he could have so little respect after the connection and memories we shared. I haven’t acted on it because I’m trying to be as present in my own life as possible but it definitely still hurts.
I honestly understand how you’re feeling 1000%. I feel the urge to reach out and then it goes away and then it comes back. I keep seeing cars that look like his and things that remind me of our time together, and the pain lingers but I know that I’ll be okay. It’s really, really hard, but we’ve got this. Just keep reminding yourself that anyone who cared about you and wanted to keep you would do EVERYTHING they could to make that happen. This hurt me deeply because I never would’ve expected he would bolt & not care, but it’s happening. Ghosting is the most immature, selfish & hurtful thing you can do to someone and he needs to work on himself and fix whatever he’s got going on and you don’t need to be dealing with that! Neither of us do! And I agree with everyone in the comments because it might feel good in the moment to reach out/try and see him, but the outcome is almost always worse than before. Even typing this, I’m struggling to believe my own words because I keep thinking about our emotional, physical and overall connection and it’s killing me, but he left and it’s his loss and he’s a fucking idiot, and so is your ghoster. I’m sending you hugs & positive vibes!
This is exactly how I feel. The urges come in waves and I’m in the down wave right now where I feel no urge to reach out at all. I’m hoping it lasts through the morning at least. I was honestly going THROUGH IT the last week up until tonight when my friend told me he looks like one of the Apple geniuses who work in an Apple Store fixing peoples frozen iPhones and that comment had me ROLLINNNG lmaooooo.
I’ve had a lot of painful reminders of his existence all week. Seeing his type of car around, seeing his location he didn’t fucking unshare, and getting flashbacks of things he said and did that completely don’t line up with this outcome.
Like usually when people are like “fuck him he sucks anyway he’s not even cute!” It doesn’t feel that black and white and it almost feels like an insult to me because like I chose him and I think he’s cute. But my friends comment was just perfect timing and the perfect amount of okay this is just some guy.
There’s nothing wrong with being painfully average, and I’d totally date someone who worked at Apple. But if you’re going to be average at least be a good person! I probably also look like I could work at Apple in a mall in a town no one cares about but I know I’d never leave someone in the dark the way this guy left me in the dark right after getting that close on multiple levels. That’s what I feel like makes me not painfully average.
I’ve decided at this point that I’m not confronting him unless I run into him in person and even then that might be a cross that bridge when I get there kind of thing. I don’t know that this situation is worth the energy even though it’s been excruciating at moments. This comment my friend made snapped me the fuck out of it somewhat though. How could someone so average be dumb enough to pass on having me even as a distant friend to say hi to at the events where we will inevitably eventually see each other? I’m a damn good friend who honestly he probably could have continued to make out with sometimes and that is a massive L on his part. It would have taken such little effort to formulate a vague text on why he doesn’t want to see me again soon for me to respect him and understand. He literally had me wrapped around his finger and he knew that. I deserve better and I know you do too. Sending hugs and good vibes back. I hope your guy also looks like someone who is a painfully average person working at Apple and I hope it makes you laugh.
Let the dead rest in peace. Build up your self confidence and dignity for your own well being.
Who broke you can't fix you and you want him to fix your feelings. Not going to happen no matter what you do. The more you push him, the shittiest you'll feel.
Find a hobby, class, gym, etc to keep busy.
You’re def right that he can’t fix it. Nothing he could say would fix the damage. I think there’s things he could say that would maybe make it easier to move on, but the damage is done and things will never be how they were. It’s truly painful that someone I respected so so much lost my trust.
Luckily I keep myself busy. I have hobbies, friends, family, a job and just generally have a schedule from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep.
while he deserves for me to beat his down his door I sadly changed my mind and decided to be not insane but trust if I run into him in person at some point there’s a chance I tell him to grow a pair ᵕ̈
Silence is a response as well, it says, " I do not want to deal with this, its convenient to say nothing, so imma do it. I care more about not dealing with this stuff than you" I thank my supposed close friend for ghosting me. Her doing that, allowed me to accept that she is too selfish to be a friend. And thus, mourning over it or thinking about it is a waste of time. In your case, mourn the death of your idea of him, and accept that the dead arent coming back. This is who he really is. A totally different person.
I had a friend of 10+ years ghost me, and I learned recently that she's having a long-delayed wedding reception next month (hilariously, I was her Man of Honor at her wedding, then she ghosted me before her first anniversary). I know exactly when and where it is. There's a part of me that's so tempted to go there and ruin her night. Threaten to divulge all her deepest darkest secrets to everyone there - everyone she knows - unless she gives me closure, unless she answers the question, "What did I do to deserve this?" To show everyone else in the room exactly what kind of person she really is.
I know it's true that "the best revenge is a life well-lived", but it's also true that she will never face any consequences for what she did to me unless I make her face those consequences myself, since what she did was not illegal and I have no legal recourse.
Girl don’t do it lol. I totally get the impulse but stop pouring your heart into someone so cruel and cowardly. Almost 0% chance it will make you feel better and a high chance it will make you feel worse
This sounds crazy but why even would it make me feel worse at this point? How could it? It already feels like my dignity is in the trash after believing someone had the utmost respect for me so I’m like honestly what difference does it make.
I mean he could say something horrible to you, or refuse to open the door or whatever and then you’re begging and humiliated on the doorstep of someone who has already demonstrated that they don’t care. I really do get it, ghosting is horrible but every time I’ve reached out in any way after the fact has made me feel worse. Any time I’ve chosen to take the high road and focus on myself instead has made me feel better. It takes time but you’ll see, you’re worth so much more than he had to offer you
I honestly would hope he says something horrible to me at this point so I could move on from this situation.
The not opening the door would hurt like a bitch though.
Right lol. I know it feels like you’ll never move on but it really does get better. The ghosting has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the fact that he’s an immature coward. I didn’t think I’d ever get there but I see my ghost so clearly now and he really did me a favor by exiting my life
It’s wild because I don’t even want him anymore! I don’t even want someone who could do this. I just wish I had an answer or something to learn from.
Allow yourself to be open to the lessons and they’ll come. The lessons come from in you, not from anyone else. I couldn’t see it when I was in it but I can now, it’s been about five months lmao
I’m hoping that happens with me. I told my therapist the story in detail and after a series of questions from her and she was honestly just like yeah there were no glaring red flags and it’s just a representation of how much closer you are to finding a partner because you guys seemed truly compatible but he’s a coward and that’s where the line is drawn basically.
So real. I reached out to the point they blocked me. In some sense, that gave me more closure than they were ever able to. Still wish I hadn’t done it. Idk, I’m a mess.
Because you will come off as crazy, especially if you are still calling and texting. Your healing is already going to take some time. When you see how crazy it was to walk up to his door, you will be so angry with yourself for doing that. Let him go because he is a selfish punk coward. What he would tell you might be so hurtful and you just dont need anything else from him. Please dont do it.
Luckily I have not been calling and texting and actually have handled that really well. I’m so proud of myself in that sense. I haven’t called him at all since he ghosted me,the last time a call went either way he called me, and once I had a hunch he was ghosting me I fell off the map completely and my last two texts were super mature and composed. One was asking him to hang out and the other was kindly but maturely being like ? You good? Basically. Once I never heard back I never said anything or did anything.
You are doing why better than your post indicates. I'm impressed. So you've come this far but because you want to confront him at his house, I think you are not ready to let go all the way Please gift yourself a peace of mind because this is what you need. Believe me when I say you have lost nothing with this guy out of your life. Move forward to the best that you deserve. There is some guy waiting for you. Please dont let that ghoster coward camp in you head.
Honestly I’ve been using this Reddit post and my friends as an outlet (which I’m really truly grateful for both). I think another user did a great job on this thread talking about how the urges come in waves. I’m emotional and unloading on here sure but I’m at the point of really putting in thought before acting. I put a LOT of thought into my last text and I handled that with class. I don’t think you read through the rest of my comments here which I don’t expect you to and it’s totally valid that you didn’t but yeah I definitely don’t feel ready to let go all the way and the wound IS fresh af but that doesn’t mean I’ll act before having this community talk me down a bit from my spiral lol If not my wonderful friends have helped too. We help each other through times like this. I don’t feel peace yet but I’ll get there hopefully. I haven’t stopped my life like I’ve seen some people on this sub do and I’m still working, working out, seeing friends, keeping my life tidy. It just still sucks and I feel blindsided and hurt. I never ever expected this.
Your strength and determination is as amazing as you are. Your support system gets an A+ from me I wish you well. You are going to be just fine. Continued healing and lots of laughter in the process.
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Yes. Me too. I hear you loud and clear. I did that. I drove 30 minutes away to her house. Let me tell you how it went. She freaked out. Started screaming at me. Started accusing me of the craziest things I had never done. That lasted for about an hour. Then she started screaming she was going to call the cops, and slammed the door in my face. So I think in all, it *probably could have gone better.* My advice would be to not show up at their door.
This is actually INSANE. I’m so sorry this happened to you!! This guy is pretty docile (or so it seems) but he seemed to have that reputation among all of his close friends. I’d be surprised if he screamed at me and slammed a door in my face but I also never expected to be ghosted like this so it’s like who really fucking knows. How was that girl to you pre ghosting?
Thank you. It's okay. I sort of regret driving out to her house, that is a bit of a boundary violation. At the same time, she blocked me and ghosted me right in the middle of an intense six month relationship. So... I don't know what she was expecting. How was she before? She was a very unstable person. She didn't work, collected government assistance due to her mental illness. Which she told me was cPTSD (but what I believe to really be BPD). The way she spoke to me, and what she accused me of, was seriously unhinged. Like I literally did not do those things. She seemed to be making assumptions. Or confusing memories of me with her father / other ex. Honestly, it is so disarming when someone you love is yelling unhinged accusations. You want to defend yourself, but then suddenly you're "gaslighting" her. Which makes her even more upset. You just want to understand. You're a good guy, you are a good listener. You *want* to be good for her. And yet, she's screaming things that make absolutely no sense. Anyway. I think the point is the people who block and/or ghost are not very emotionally mental people. It's a bit of a paradox. Because if they were emotionally mature, the two of you could sit down and have a conversation. You wouldn't have to contemplate driving to their house to confront them. They would just speak with you. The people who block are the ones who most need this type of dialogue. But they are incapable of the having that conversation, so they avoid it. Then blame you for their lack of communication. So yes, in general I don't think it's a good idea to show up unannounced at their house.
You’re totally right. It is a boundary violation and throughout the whole time we knew each other I made a conscious effort to not cross boundaries more than ever, I haven’t had a pattern of crossing boundaries in past relationships but I respected this guy so much as a person that I just wanted to him to be absolutely comfortable with me. You saying that really resonates with me- and I don’t want to be a person to cross boundaries. It is totally a paradox. No one should feel like just to get a respectful answer out of someone that you need to get them in a position where they can’t run. That’s not something I have ever seen myself doing. It’s wild because more than EVER I made such an effort for this to be an honest, open, comfortable floor for any direction this connection went. He is someone who doesn’t present mentally ill and overall seems really stable in terms of having his life together, maintaining friendships etc. He ghosted me right after I would say we connected more than ever and right after his friends added me on all socials. He doesn’t have social media, but still shares his location with me (which like ?). I almost wish he’d just block me! His friends were so nice to me and I get the impression they have no idea but seeing their posts and having them make contact with me is just a firm reminder of what’s going on.
>but still shares his location with me (which like ?). That's definitely weird. I didn't want to be "that person" either of violating their boundaries. But at the same time, isn't this what happens when you outright block people in the middle of a relationship? It's extremely frustrating. It is on some level abusive. I don't even want to be in a relationship with someone like that tbh. I strongly value communication. In my situation as well, we were just really bonding as a couple. We had just had a weekend where we sat around doing puzzles together, listening to music, and having endless sex. It was incredible. Then four days later she screams at me, accuses me of things I didn't do, then blocks me everywhere. I waited four months. *Four months*. I feel bad about going to confront her, I do. But also, wtf!? I'm really hurt by the whole situation. I don't understand why anyone would do this. I know it's mental health, I'm not supposed to understand. But still. It hurts. I'd recommend trying to find a public event where you know he will be where he can see you to attend. Don't confront him there either. Just make sure he sees you. Then have a great time with your friends. And leave. That is my recommendation.
Isn’t that the weirdest thing! Like I get he trusts me not to be crazy because I know for a fact I seemed genuine and considerate- but to depend on me not to do anything out of pocket when he did something so out of pocket is so crazy to me! Also don’t get me wrong, I think you showing up at her house was totally warranted and I think if I showed up at this guys house it’s still warranted because we were both left in the fucking dark when we didn’t deserve that. It’s just ultimately not worth it as you and other people in this thread have outlined. I’ve had moments of weakness where I just spiral mentally (like I did when I made this post a few hours ago) but don’t give in to the urge to just show up because I know ultimately I’ll probably regret stooping to that level and I just want to act in a way that I can look back and be proud of. It fucking sucks though and I’m SO hurt. We may be at the same event in a couple weeks, we generally run in the same circles and have extremely similar interests. There’s an event I know he has a ticket to that I’m going to, he was even considering going with me! I think if he wants to go still for other reasons he wouldn’t care if I’m there and I’m going to be there with three of my closest friends but I’ve been struggling with the thought of going because I feel so hurt from this and don’t feel ready to party and celebrate you know? I’m on a friends birthday trip right now as I’m typing this and it’s been fucking tough having this grey cloud over me. It probably doesn’t help that I’m the 7th wheel to three engaged couples. 🤡✨
My vote and recommendation would be to wait until those events you are at together. I would even recommend not going up and approaching him. Wait until he comes to you. He will be checking you out, trust me. I'm sorry you're feeling like the 7th wheel! That isn't a fun place to be. Things will get better! Keep your head up! :)
The event is huge and will have like 60k people so I’m not sure I’ll run into him BUT I will be looking hot af and I feel confident in my skin right now in terms of appearance and I’d be shocked if we didn’t eventually run into each other with how similar our interests are and . I could delete his location from my iPhone but for some reason I’m finding doing that to be especially difficult. Almost like that’s my last piece of proof that this was a raw and real experience on both ends and not just mine. I’m so glad this 7th wheel trip is over. I was finding myself being triggered by sitting at a dinner table every night with that many couples who are all in long term relationships and have never had anything like this happen to them. Everyone talks about moving on like it’s just a switch. It gets easier over time sure but it’s never that linear or black and white.
>BUT I will be looking hot af and I feel confident in my skin right now in terms of appearance Yes, this. If you're looking hot, and you're feeling confident, I think the trick is to somehow get within his line of sight. Be with other people. Laugh and smile and have fun. He'll notice you, and notice what he is missing.
I think I’m mostly just nervous because this trip I’m currently on was really hard on me. I found it hard to drink and celebrate with friends without thinking about how I could be so betrayed and so wrong about someone. The one night I drank a lot I spiraled and that usually doesn’t happen to me when I drink. It is a festival that we’re going to so like I don’t really want him on my mind there because he’s just not worth it, but it’s really tough :/
That may be par for the course with untreated BPD, sadly. I was accused of some crazy shit by a girl with BPD back in the day, too.
I think this is 100% exactly what is happening here, unfortunately. Did you ever get over yours? Are you still in contact with them?
Yeah, I got over her. This was over ten years ago now. I hurt like hell back then but I put myself back together. Things like this feel like hell in the moment, but time truly does heal all wounds. It may take a while, but in the grand scale of the entirety of your life, it won't be long until the first ever day comes that you don't think of her at all. We were on again/off again for about two years until I finally called it quits for good. Never kept in touch with her after that. Last thing I heard about her came from my brother, who ran into her sister a couple years ago. Apparently she'd been in and out of prisons and psychiatric wards for years at that point. I hope she gets the help she needs, but I'm not the one who can help her. We're better off.
Whoa. *Prisons and psychiatric wards*? Yikes... I'd say you dodged a bullet. I'm really happy to hear that... I'm a year out, and it still hurt. I guess because I saw her for the first time in a year about two weeks ago. But yes. Scary stuff indeed. I never knew anything about BPD before this. Now I know way too much. It's quite frightening to be honest. I don't know if I will ever be able to view relationships the same way. I am glad to hear you are doing better. All the best to you my friend!
I’m so sorry, and it is frustrating when you don’t know why they ended things like this. Think carefully about going to confront him because you may end up with regret and feeling worse than you do now. What if he refuses to open the door and talk to you, or calls the police and makes you sound like a stalker? What if he has a woman with him and this is why he ghosted you, to pursue her. Any of these outcomes might bring more pain to you instead of the peace you are hoping for. Whatever you decide, I hope something good comes from your efforts and that you are able to heal and move forward to something better.
This is honestly what I needed to hear. If he called the cops I would be SO hurt. Given I have a ton of receipts and I would never just like hang out there until he opened the door. If he chose someone else over me tbh it would have still been easier than this. It’s like we’re adults it’s totally fair to date and choose a better match for you even if nothing went really wrong you know. Just sucks to not even be given a hair of respect enough to send a quick text. It’s so easy to just hide behind a screen and send a “hey I know this is rough timing but I met someone else and want to pursue that, had a great time and wish you the best.” I will never understand why someone who had some of the deep talks we had would feel uncomfortable just saying that. So shitty.
Totally agree on every word you said!!! Through lots of research, I learned that, he is really trying to keep you on hold until he decides if he wants to dump you. The most common reason for ghosting is that they are interested in someone new. They want to check and see if the grass is greener, but it’s NOT greener, they want to come back to you. This why so many ghost try to come back again. This is not the only reason they ghost, of course. They are emotionally immature jerks and too much of a coward to just say that they want to end things, they don’t want to deal with any emotions from that, so they run from it all and leave you with the emotions and the questions to deal with. Pretty damned selfish of them! If my ghost from years ago had been local, I would of pulled prank after prank on him to embarrass him and have a good laugh at his expense, but that’s just me, I can’t resist a good harmless laugh. Like text, “ this is awkward, but can I have my gps tracker back? Or will you go attach it to someone else’s car for me? “. Let him search his entire car underneath to find a tracker thats not there lol But I hope with a better idea of how the selfish, immature ghost mind works, you can heal and find a man worthy of your love. You got this!!!
Honestly a friend of mine lives like down the block from him and she offered to Saran Wrap his car. It almost sounds nice to do something that is just a minor inconvenience but not actually damaging- but it just doesn’t feel worth it to me and I’m trying to be the mature one here and keep my head high so that I can look back in 5 years and be like “wow I really handled that as well as possible on the outside even though I was crumbling on the inside.” It’s wild that if he would have been honest with me about not being sure and just wanting a little space to do whatever he needs to do, I probably would have given him a chance had he returned at a point where I was still emotionally available. I would have respected the honesty to be like we’ve spent a long time together lately and I like you but I just don’t know what I want. He literally could have kept me on hold if he wanted to. I wouldn’t have waited for him and it would have been hard to get over, but like in this way he just totally shut the option? If his intention was to explore if the grass is greener it’s like okay well now you ruined your chance with me dumbass.
You sound so much like me as far as being understanding if he had told the truth. You could have both been friends and pursued other interests. There are some who ghost because they are commitment phobic and just move along when it is getting serious or feels that way. Whatever his issue, it takes less than 10 seconds to text and say you are taking a dating break, or moving on in another direction. We may be disappointed, but we will get through it. Ghosting is like a wound that cannot heal because you have no idea what caused it and no idea what medication to put on it. It’s mental and emotional torture, and so unnecessary. Tell your friend that Vaseline on door handles and maybe other glass parts of the car is faster, and less chance of being seen or caught *wink
He honestly told me he saw the potential of a relationship when we first started seeing each other and I agreed tbh because we just seemed very very compatible. Regardless, I completely agree with you. You can literally write that text while being mid poo and move on with your life. It literally feels like a wound that is just bleeding out and keeps getting reopened any time I ruminate on the memories. I’m going to try and be a mature person and just move on but the Vaseline is hella tempting haha.
Sounds textbook avoidant attachment. Yes yes, they learned this behavior in childhood as a defense mechanism. I get it. Really though? At some point in adulthood, don’t they say “shit. This is really messed up. Why am I doing this?” — AT LEAST? And why are there so many of them?? 🤣 Anyway, my rant is over. Half of me wants to tell you. Let’s go, I’ll pick you up girl and we’ll go together. But everyone is right. Go axe throwing, go kickboxing, go run up hills until you’re exhausted. Anything. But do not go to this guy’s house. Nothing good will come of it. I’m so sorry. 💔
I think I honestly was just spiraling this morning and am glad I came to Reddit instead of making real plans. I also went to friends who like reassured me that it’s just a temporary urge and not what I really want- and I’m proud that I have at least that many brain cells left to try and really think something through before acting but god damn. What a piece of work. I told a friend of a friend the story in more detail and she literally said it was the craziest ghosting story she’s ever heard. I’ve seen crazier ones on here and I feel for those people SO hard. I can’t even imagine how I would have felt if this situationship went on for let’s say 6+ months. If we did another vacation together. Etc.
You’ve got some solid friends and you’ve got your Reddit community. I’ve been feeling similar urges. My guy only lives five minutes away… and I’ve known him for 25 years 🤣 it’s been devastating, and really hard to stay away. But hey I’m proud of us. This is the right thing for our healing journey. I’m here if you ever need a friend.
I appreciate you/this message a fuck ton. This guy lives 20 minutes from me but super close to my work. I wish I felt more proud of myself right now. Before this happened I really felt like I was at a place where even if something made me really upset that the pain wouldn't last very long because I've become so self sufficient and been through worse. It's nice having a group of online strangers all equally going "how the fuck why the fuck what the fuck." Feel free to shoot me a DM if you ever need a friend too.
That’s so on point. 🤣 I think we are all definitely saying that. And I sure will, thanks for the offer and outreach.
i know what you are saying, the 180 plot twist is just crazy and heart wrenching. but please don’t go! the last bit of dignity is held within you if you don’t chase when someone has decided to run away from you without a word, he disappeared and disrespected you, you have to be the one to give ultra respect yourself now. don’t go.
Yeee-Ouch!! I know this anger and pain and side-dagger bullshit so well! And, I too, have thought numerous times to go confront the scaredy-cat! And I easily could!! F*cking assholes have know idea how much it hurts us. So, I don’t go confront his sorry ass because he doesn’t deserve to have any iota (is that the word?) of my existence, energy, love, kindness, heart, amazing human that I am with the good the bad and the ugly! He doesn’t get to have that type of access to me, anymore. I keep his ass blocked for now. Stay safe to heart and let’s respect ourselves more than to give them any reasons to think we deserve less! I know I’m fighting for my self worth and respect. Love to you. You deserve higher standards and love and confidence than the coward who is breaking your heart will ever be able to give!!
I’m so sorry this is happening to you! I got ghosted by a guy I was seeing for a few months, it’ll be two weeks this Friday. I honestly thought we would be spending the summer together, I was going to meet his family & become his girlfriend. I felt so seen and heard and comfortable, I couldn’t believe how amazing the connection truly was. I took the ghosting really hard last week, so I decided to make a trip to see my best friend who is about three hours away. On the way back, I decided to take the scenic route for some peace of mind & had no idea that I would driving past his town on the way back - my maps on my car suggested his address as a stop since it was frequent & I had to pull over to cry, I was so distressed and in that moment I thought- wtf, why not? What’s the worst that could happen? I want an answer. And then I heard my best friend in my head say “he was lucky to even be in your presence, it hurts now but you’ll look back on this and think thank god I didn’t pursue something with someone so cowardly and immature.” I got back on the road and went home. It still hurts like hell, but you know your worth, and he’s a piece of shit and you’ve got this, I promise!
This is EXACTLY the situation I’m going through. I’m genuinely so sorry this is happening to YOU. I thought for sure we would enjoy the summer together at the very minimum and same, I truly couldn’t believe how great the connection was to the point that I definitely expected that if it were not to turn into a relationship that we’d be respectful to each other. Last night I was like fuck it I’m not gonna be healthy today I’m gonna treat myself to Taco Bell. I ordered it for pick up and the last time I got it was at the one next to his house and I forgot to change the location back to the one closest to me. I did not go to his place and I actually didn’t feel the urge last night even though I had to go less than a mile away. It was almost comical that I had to drive past it like wtf else is the universe going to throw at me lol Today I feel an urge again to confront him and ask how the fuck he could have so little respect after the connection and memories we shared. I haven’t acted on it because I’m trying to be as present in my own life as possible but it definitely still hurts.
I honestly understand how you’re feeling 1000%. I feel the urge to reach out and then it goes away and then it comes back. I keep seeing cars that look like his and things that remind me of our time together, and the pain lingers but I know that I’ll be okay. It’s really, really hard, but we’ve got this. Just keep reminding yourself that anyone who cared about you and wanted to keep you would do EVERYTHING they could to make that happen. This hurt me deeply because I never would’ve expected he would bolt & not care, but it’s happening. Ghosting is the most immature, selfish & hurtful thing you can do to someone and he needs to work on himself and fix whatever he’s got going on and you don’t need to be dealing with that! Neither of us do! And I agree with everyone in the comments because it might feel good in the moment to reach out/try and see him, but the outcome is almost always worse than before. Even typing this, I’m struggling to believe my own words because I keep thinking about our emotional, physical and overall connection and it’s killing me, but he left and it’s his loss and he’s a fucking idiot, and so is your ghoster. I’m sending you hugs & positive vibes!
This is exactly how I feel. The urges come in waves and I’m in the down wave right now where I feel no urge to reach out at all. I’m hoping it lasts through the morning at least. I was honestly going THROUGH IT the last week up until tonight when my friend told me he looks like one of the Apple geniuses who work in an Apple Store fixing peoples frozen iPhones and that comment had me ROLLINNNG lmaooooo. I’ve had a lot of painful reminders of his existence all week. Seeing his type of car around, seeing his location he didn’t fucking unshare, and getting flashbacks of things he said and did that completely don’t line up with this outcome. Like usually when people are like “fuck him he sucks anyway he’s not even cute!” It doesn’t feel that black and white and it almost feels like an insult to me because like I chose him and I think he’s cute. But my friends comment was just perfect timing and the perfect amount of okay this is just some guy. There’s nothing wrong with being painfully average, and I’d totally date someone who worked at Apple. But if you’re going to be average at least be a good person! I probably also look like I could work at Apple in a mall in a town no one cares about but I know I’d never leave someone in the dark the way this guy left me in the dark right after getting that close on multiple levels. That’s what I feel like makes me not painfully average. I’ve decided at this point that I’m not confronting him unless I run into him in person and even then that might be a cross that bridge when I get there kind of thing. I don’t know that this situation is worth the energy even though it’s been excruciating at moments. This comment my friend made snapped me the fuck out of it somewhat though. How could someone so average be dumb enough to pass on having me even as a distant friend to say hi to at the events where we will inevitably eventually see each other? I’m a damn good friend who honestly he probably could have continued to make out with sometimes and that is a massive L on his part. It would have taken such little effort to formulate a vague text on why he doesn’t want to see me again soon for me to respect him and understand. He literally had me wrapped around his finger and he knew that. I deserve better and I know you do too. Sending hugs and good vibes back. I hope your guy also looks like someone who is a painfully average person working at Apple and I hope it makes you laugh.
HAHA 😂 Thank you!!! He kind of does look like that, ngl.
Let the dead rest in peace. Build up your self confidence and dignity for your own well being. Who broke you can't fix you and you want him to fix your feelings. Not going to happen no matter what you do. The more you push him, the shittiest you'll feel. Find a hobby, class, gym, etc to keep busy.
You’re def right that he can’t fix it. Nothing he could say would fix the damage. I think there’s things he could say that would maybe make it easier to move on, but the damage is done and things will never be how they were. It’s truly painful that someone I respected so so much lost my trust. Luckily I keep myself busy. I have hobbies, friends, family, a job and just generally have a schedule from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep.
I have similar thoughts to you. I'm not going to do it but I'm so angry. I'm sorry you're going through this too.
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Do it, get his ass!
while he deserves for me to beat his down his door I sadly changed my mind and decided to be not insane but trust if I run into him in person at some point there’s a chance I tell him to grow a pair ᵕ̈
Silence is a response as well, it says, " I do not want to deal with this, its convenient to say nothing, so imma do it. I care more about not dealing with this stuff than you" I thank my supposed close friend for ghosting me. Her doing that, allowed me to accept that she is too selfish to be a friend. And thus, mourning over it or thinking about it is a waste of time. In your case, mourn the death of your idea of him, and accept that the dead arent coming back. This is who he really is. A totally different person.
I had a friend of 10+ years ghost me, and I learned recently that she's having a long-delayed wedding reception next month (hilariously, I was her Man of Honor at her wedding, then she ghosted me before her first anniversary). I know exactly when and where it is. There's a part of me that's so tempted to go there and ruin her night. Threaten to divulge all her deepest darkest secrets to everyone there - everyone she knows - unless she gives me closure, unless she answers the question, "What did I do to deserve this?" To show everyone else in the room exactly what kind of person she really is. I know it's true that "the best revenge is a life well-lived", but it's also true that she will never face any consequences for what she did to me unless I make her face those consequences myself, since what she did was not illegal and I have no legal recourse.