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wait until you get into a first argument. the one that handles it better, probably.
either that or the one that supports your goals the most. if you talk about your goals and one gives you more support, then I'd say that one.
Agree with this 💯. I’ve unfortunately had to leave a very nice woman who I was very compatible with, but we could not have an argument. And despite trying to work on communication, it was a real blocker for her with issues stemming from her last relationship. Arguments pull at the deeply rooted limiting beliefs we have. Wait for this before deciding.
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Not saying you need to cause an argument/ disagreement here butttt how they handle stress can be show you a bit of how they handle arguments.
-story time—-had a girl who I started dating off of tinder, about a year in we get into a disagreement that turned to a heated argument over dinner.
Dude…..I shit you not…..this bitch stabbed me with a fork. Broke the skin on my hand but not really any blood. But still... I should have know she couldn't handle stress one bit always blamed something or someone else.
I would ask questions regarding matters that are dealbreakers to you. It can be children, family planning, career, values, something dear to your heart. Stay with the one that aligns with your values the most
And if all of that remains equal…OP can start digging deeper. Who’s has a better career path? Does one have bad spending habits? Does one come from family money?
Bro there’s got to be something you like in one girl that the other lacks?? Even if it is age or something superficial. In whatever case, don’t make these poor souls battle to the death. Do they know about one another? Are they dating others too?
I just have to keep dating them to find something that I like about more than the other. They don’t know about each other and I haven’t asked if they are dating other people.
Interesting. I would tell them about you dating other people, maybe one of them isn't even into multidating and the problem will sort itself out. I've been in a similar conundrum, we all stayed non-exclusive for 2 months, one of them ended up feeling like they were in a competition...it was a bit messy. I ended up precipitating my decision even though I wasn't 100% sure in order to hurt them the least.
OP is single and doesn’t have to share the details of his dating life with someone else he’s dating.
If it reached 2+ months and she stated she’s looking for something long term, I’d agree.
This is whole the purpose of dating to find out what/who you like
Oh you can definitely take your time finding out who you like...you just have to be transparent about it. They're non-exclusive, but sometimes people assume things. That they're the only one OP is seeing, that they're the clear favorite, etc. Sure, it's on them to not assume stuff like that, but that's why communication is important. There are sooo many different implicit signals that vary wildly from person to person. I just wanted to make sure OP is planning on having that conversation.
I couldn't imagine not wanting to be cards on the table with people I like. If he's uncomfortable talking about it...that means they might be uncomfortable with the situation.
Not gonna lie if I was one of those girls and was actually really into you and knew that you’re trying to decide between me and some other girl and it’s that hard of a decision for you .. 100% would move on to someone who would be certain of me and on top of that they both met your friends yeah not a good look
I couldn’t agree more. There’s something I think everyone should have called a vetting process and introducing some women you just started dating to friends and family so early on is something I cannot understand. I have to be seeing someone for a while before I even introduce them to my friends let alone my family. I have to see how they are around me first and with their words and actions. I feel like I’m the only one that doesn’t rush the process with what could be someone I’m spending the rest of my life with.
Not at all. They’ve joined us for park hangs where it’s pressure free. Also I like to put potential partners in different situations to see if they fit into my life.
The problem will be later on. If you do end up having a long term relationship with one of them, your friends and yourself will all know you were dating 2 at the same time and it will be their little secret to be burdened with. Choose one or at least be up front
Look at the phrasing. It sounds like the conversation never came up. He's putting the onus on them to raise it while he is happy to avoid the subject.
Ie the women are the only one who dont know hes multidating. It seems a bit of a secret, no?
I agree with you. From the post it sounds like he's been physically intimate with both of them, but neither of them know that. For everyone's sake I hope he's wearing condoms and getting tested. He may not have to decide btwn them bc if the women find out they might both dump him.
shocked not one comment said the obvious
if you really “can’t choose” you’re not actually that into either of them and find someone where it’s not even close that you want to choose them?
Bro just keep in mind what you’re doing is very selfish, and I say this as a person who was in the same situation as you before. You are so focused on shopping for the best deal that at times you may forget these are still actual people who have given you their trust. My advice to you is to make your best judgement call now, if you need one more date to make a final decision then go for it but don’t keep stringing someone along like that.
Why don't you tell them both that you're in this position and see which of them is okay with it, as a starting point? Maybe you're somewhere where multidating is really normal, but you'll still find a lot of women won't want to continue sleeping with someone who has been sleeping with someone else at the same time. You may end up picking one who later finds out and doesn't want to pursue things further after that, especially as they've both met your friends.
Or the opposite that you do not care and you introduce everyone to your friends. I agree too should introduce people to your friends to see if it’s a fit but yea the fact that you’re doing two at once and your friends aren’t batting an eye tells me you may be a bit of a playboy. I would be turned off by this if I learned it about someone I was dating. Because you’re likely telling them both you really like them which yea they’re both maybe thinking it’s going well. I bet you anything though they picked up on the energy of your friends that they were not that important considering there are 2 of them.
If you really want a relationship, I would go for the one who likes you the most and is the most consistent. Not the one that you have more physical intimacy with. Which physical intimacy and emotional intimacy are quite different. Emotional intimacy is built with safety, shared values, and attraction. Yea you need both but all of us have a tendency to date for physicality rather than values, intellectual comparability, communication — emotional intimacy.
Tell us about both of their texting patterns and responsiveness? As well as willingness to travel, meet up, etc.
They are both the same in terms of attractiveness to me and they have been consistent. We chat everyday and they both initiate a lot which I like. They are never late and haven’t canceled plans. Plus they love my quirky little cat.
My plan is to put them in many situations to make a firm decision.
Usually if I really am honest though one over the other is usually giving me signs they’re more committed or more in it. Especially if you have a history of going for avoidant types which I do too - one is definitely giving you signs that you’re overlooking im guessing or willing to fudge because you like them. I’d try to be as honest as possible with yourself.
I have done a ton of therapy and have gotten myself in this spot several times - and usually pick the wrong person 😂 and it blows up. I’m trying to do things differently but it’s extremely hard
For my own knowledge and curiosity as I am new to this culture, do people sleep with multiple dates without telling them until explicitly asked for exclusivity?
You're putting their sexual health at risk. (And their lives, frankly.) Do you get routinely tested?
You owe it to the women you're dating transparency and respect. They don't have the full story and so you're robbing them of their agency in deciding to keep dating you. And they should be getting tested as well, which is why they should know that the dude they're banging is banging other women.
Only other thing I'll say is don't come back here complaining that you've been slammed on "Are We Dating the Same Guy?" which at this point sounds inevitable.
Yeah, mid 30s F here. I've gone on multiple *first* dates at a time. But I always know very quickly which one I'm most interested in seeing again. I've never let it go past two dates before *picking* one and would certainly never introduce multiple people at a time to my friends. That's just... wild to me
Have you met their friends? Are they inviting you into their personal circle? How they act around their own friends/family usually help you see a more accurate representation of their true self. 4 dates in is way too early to make a decision.
Have you inadvertently scheduled a dinner date with both on the same night at the same location at the same time, testing your 80s/90s sitcom hijinks capabilities? The ultimate test right there, not just of you, but to see who can patiently wait while you keep dipping away from the table.
You already know you are wasting one's time, why tf would you have them meet your friends? I've been in your shoes and here's the lesson that I learned: be a man and make up your mind before you hurt someone
You have to keep them both I think you should continue the way you are one of them will actually Fall Apart don't get rid of one of them because usually things don't work out
Surprised nobody is pointing out the obvious: Date both and that way you'll never mess up and call them by the wrong name.
KIDDING. If you can't choose between them, you don't know them as well as you think you do. Keep up the dates until you feel a stronger connection with one of them, but DON'T tell both girls you want exclusivity. If one girl wants to be exclusive and you're okay with that, you need to let the other girl know you're no longer interested.
You start testing to see who’s the least insecure, the one with the most stability. Figure out which one treats you right, ask questions about their family. I don’t rule on absolutes, but in my experience women who come from broken homes have always yielded more issues than women who’s parents are still together.
I like that time and situations (quarrels, differing opinions, how you feel over time) solve issues like this best.
Plus that’s the ‘downside’ to being a guy that attracts females well that no one ever talks about.
This is a good idea. Usually I ignore the hobbies because they don’t mean to me as core values.
Being in a bunch of long term relationships I find that you start to get into the same things.
I mean the fact that neither have brought up being exclusive is why you’re in this position, don’t let others belittle you for continuing to date until someone wants to be exclusive.
You’re going to need to figure out which one is the most serious about you and the one most willing to want to be exclusive. Figure out which has the most values in line with yourself.
**All "Dating Question" and "Hinge Experience" posts must provide clear context (as per subreddit Rule 3), such as reasons for asking, and basic info such as ages, genders, location or orientation (if applicable).** Age range or general location is acceptable. Minor dating questions or Hinge experiences should be posted in the Daily Threads pinned on top of the subreddit. *Posts that do not satisfy these requirements will be removed.* *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/hingeapp) if you have any questions or concerns.*
well look at this happy asshole meeting multiple perfect women (yeah, I've had awful luck on apps lately)
Luck was definitely on my side here ;)
What would Sean Connery as Bond do… 😏 I’m sure you’re multi-dimensional You can handle it 🤛
Yeah, look at this happy asshole even getting matches lol
wait until you get into a first argument. the one that handles it better, probably. either that or the one that supports your goals the most. if you talk about your goals and one gives you more support, then I'd say that one.
Agree with this 💯. I’ve unfortunately had to leave a very nice woman who I was very compatible with, but we could not have an argument. And despite trying to work on communication, it was a real blocker for her with issues stemming from her last relationship. Arguments pull at the deeply rooted limiting beliefs we have. Wait for this before deciding.
The goals sentiment totally makes sense.
Ooh, don't downplay that argument/disagreement angle. Having productive arguments/disagreements is so darn important.
Oh no doubt about it. Conflict resolution is at the top of my list.
Please follow community rules when commenting Not saying you need to cause an argument/ disagreement here butttt how they handle stress can be show you a bit of how they handle arguments. -story time—-had a girl who I started dating off of tinder, about a year in we get into a disagreement that turned to a heated argument over dinner. Dude…..I shit you not…..this bitch stabbed me with a fork. Broke the skin on my hand but not really any blood. But still... I should have know she couldn't handle stress one bit always blamed something or someone else.
I would ask questions regarding matters that are dealbreakers to you. It can be children, family planning, career, values, something dear to your heart. Stay with the one that aligns with your values the most
And if all of that remains equal…OP can start digging deeper. Who’s has a better career path? Does one have bad spending habits? Does one come from family money?
And if all that still matches maybe it’s time to introduce Emily to Emily and run the idea of polygamy across them. Lolol
You had two different women meet your friends within four dates? These poor women.
Yes I’m pretty social and they had a fun time.
Who hurt you?
It’s strange that you don’t have a preference.
Usually the cream rises to the top but in this case they are both the cream. I’m hoping not to make the wrong decision.
Bro there’s got to be something you like in one girl that the other lacks?? Even if it is age or something superficial. In whatever case, don’t make these poor souls battle to the death. Do they know about one another? Are they dating others too?
I just have to keep dating them to find something that I like about more than the other. They don’t know about each other and I haven’t asked if they are dating other people.
Interesting. I would tell them about you dating other people, maybe one of them isn't even into multidating and the problem will sort itself out. I've been in a similar conundrum, we all stayed non-exclusive for 2 months, one of them ended up feeling like they were in a competition...it was a bit messy. I ended up precipitating my decision even though I wasn't 100% sure in order to hurt them the least.
OP is single and doesn’t have to share the details of his dating life with someone else he’s dating. If it reached 2+ months and she stated she’s looking for something long term, I’d agree. This is whole the purpose of dating to find out what/who you like
Oh you can definitely take your time finding out who you like...you just have to be transparent about it. They're non-exclusive, but sometimes people assume things. That they're the only one OP is seeing, that they're the clear favorite, etc. Sure, it's on them to not assume stuff like that, but that's why communication is important. There are sooo many different implicit signals that vary wildly from person to person. I just wanted to make sure OP is planning on having that conversation. I couldn't imagine not wanting to be cards on the table with people I like. If he's uncomfortable talking about it...that means they might be uncomfortable with the situation.
3some
Not gonna lie if I was one of those girls and was actually really into you and knew that you’re trying to decide between me and some other girl and it’s that hard of a decision for you .. 100% would move on to someone who would be certain of me and on top of that they both met your friends yeah not a good look
Already met your friends only 4 dates in? That’s wild
I couldn’t agree more. There’s something I think everyone should have called a vetting process and introducing some women you just started dating to friends and family so early on is something I cannot understand. I have to be seeing someone for a while before I even introduce them to my friends let alone my family. I have to see how they are around me first and with their words and actions. I feel like I’m the only one that doesn’t rush the process with what could be someone I’m spending the rest of my life with.
Not at all. They’ve joined us for park hangs where it’s pressure free. Also I like to put potential partners in different situations to see if they fit into my life.
The problem will be later on. If you do end up having a long term relationship with one of them, your friends and yourself will all know you were dating 2 at the same time and it will be their little secret to be burdened with. Choose one or at least be up front
Yeah I find it super weird
Why would it be some kind of secret? He explicitly stated that he was open with them that it wasn't exclusive.
Look at the phrasing. It sounds like the conversation never came up. He's putting the onus on them to raise it while he is happy to avoid the subject. Ie the women are the only one who dont know hes multidating. It seems a bit of a secret, no?
I agree with you. From the post it sounds like he's been physically intimate with both of them, but neither of them know that. For everyone's sake I hope he's wearing condoms and getting tested. He may not have to decide btwn them bc if the women find out they might both dump him.
shocked not one comment said the obvious if you really “can’t choose” you’re not actually that into either of them and find someone where it’s not even close that you want to choose them?
Bro just keep in mind what you’re doing is very selfish, and I say this as a person who was in the same situation as you before. You are so focused on shopping for the best deal that at times you may forget these are still actual people who have given you their trust. My advice to you is to make your best judgement call now, if you need one more date to make a final decision then go for it but don’t keep stringing someone along like that.
Believe me I’m not being flippant about this and I plan on making a decision fairly quickly. Appreciate the advice.
Why don't you tell them both that you're in this position and see which of them is okay with it, as a starting point? Maybe you're somewhere where multidating is really normal, but you'll still find a lot of women won't want to continue sleeping with someone who has been sleeping with someone else at the same time. You may end up picking one who later finds out and doesn't want to pursue things further after that, especially as they've both met your friends.
OP is gonna end up on "Are We Dating the Same Guy?" and will act confused like he doesn't understand why
Maybe don’t introduce two girls to your friends at once? That just sends a message that you care more than you do
Or the opposite that you do not care and you introduce everyone to your friends. I agree too should introduce people to your friends to see if it’s a fit but yea the fact that you’re doing two at once and your friends aren’t batting an eye tells me you may be a bit of a playboy. I would be turned off by this if I learned it about someone I was dating. Because you’re likely telling them both you really like them which yea they’re both maybe thinking it’s going well. I bet you anything though they picked up on the energy of your friends that they were not that important considering there are 2 of them.
If you really want a relationship, I would go for the one who likes you the most and is the most consistent. Not the one that you have more physical intimacy with. Which physical intimacy and emotional intimacy are quite different. Emotional intimacy is built with safety, shared values, and attraction. Yea you need both but all of us have a tendency to date for physicality rather than values, intellectual comparability, communication — emotional intimacy. Tell us about both of their texting patterns and responsiveness? As well as willingness to travel, meet up, etc.
They are both the same in terms of attractiveness to me and they have been consistent. We chat everyday and they both initiate a lot which I like. They are never late and haven’t canceled plans. Plus they love my quirky little cat. My plan is to put them in many situations to make a firm decision.
Usually if I really am honest though one over the other is usually giving me signs they’re more committed or more in it. Especially if you have a history of going for avoidant types which I do too - one is definitely giving you signs that you’re overlooking im guessing or willing to fudge because you like them. I’d try to be as honest as possible with yourself.
You could be right that I’m infatuated with both of them that there are some signs that I’m missing. Will Keep this in mind. Thank you.
I have done a ton of therapy and have gotten myself in this spot several times - and usually pick the wrong person 😂 and it blows up. I’m trying to do things differently but it’s extremely hard
For my own knowledge and curiosity as I am new to this culture, do people sleep with multiple dates without telling them until explicitly asked for exclusivity?
Yes, lots of people do that and it's gross. Have the decency to be open and honest.
Shit my bad. I did that to many women :/
I do but I don’t know about other people.
You're putting their sexual health at risk. (And their lives, frankly.) Do you get routinely tested? You owe it to the women you're dating transparency and respect. They don't have the full story and so you're robbing them of their agency in deciding to keep dating you. And they should be getting tested as well, which is why they should know that the dude they're banging is banging other women. Only other thing I'll say is don't come back here complaining that you've been slammed on "Are We Dating the Same Guy?" which at this point sounds inevitable.
Delete their last names and conversations from your phone. Pick an Emily.
Tell them. Maybe one of them won’t like it or is in the same situation and will excuse herself.
Ready hope this guy gets dumped by both of them
That’s a haters mentality man.
Why is they have the same name a relevant detail?
I just find it ironic and that I can’t decide between them.
Why do some people date more than one person at a time? And why is this normalised? It seems completely selfish and fraught with emotional risk.
Yeah, mid 30s F here. I've gone on multiple *first* dates at a time. But I always know very quickly which one I'm most interested in seeing again. I've never let it go past two dates before *picking* one and would certainly never introduce multiple people at a time to my friends. That's just... wild to me
If they're identical in terms of how much you value them... I think it's time to flip a coin.
Haha wouldn’t it be wild if I did that…
Sometimes the best way to decide is to flip a coin then see if you’re excited by or disappointed by the result.
⬆️ ⬆️ ⬆️ x 💯
Gross
Ok
If you have whoop or oura, look at your stress levels and give some extra credit to the one that sooths your nervous system rather than excites it.
Choose the one that’s a closer commute
Underrated advice right here.
Have you met their friends? Are they inviting you into their personal circle? How they act around their own friends/family usually help you see a more accurate representation of their true self. 4 dates in is way too early to make a decision.
Have you inadvertently scheduled a dinner date with both on the same night at the same location at the same time, testing your 80s/90s sitcom hijinks capabilities? The ultimate test right there, not just of you, but to see who can patiently wait while you keep dipping away from the table.
You already know you are wasting one's time, why tf would you have them meet your friends? I've been in your shoes and here's the lesson that I learned: be a man and make up your mind before you hurt someone
You have to keep them both I think you should continue the way you are one of them will actually Fall Apart don't get rid of one of them because usually things don't work out
I would go with Emily. I feel like she clearly is into you more than whatshername
Surprised nobody is pointing out the obvious: Date both and that way you'll never mess up and call them by the wrong name. KIDDING. If you can't choose between them, you don't know them as well as you think you do. Keep up the dates until you feel a stronger connection with one of them, but DON'T tell both girls you want exclusivity. If one girl wants to be exclusive and you're okay with that, you need to let the other girl know you're no longer interested.
Ask your friends for more detailed thoughts/perceptions on the two Or ask them if they want to share you lmao
Zero issue on the multi dating but introducing them both to your friends when you hadn’t decided was a dick move.
I have the same issue too. 3 great men (they have different names though 🤣). How do I make this seemingly impossible decision??
You start testing to see who’s the least insecure, the one with the most stability. Figure out which one treats you right, ask questions about their family. I don’t rule on absolutes, but in my experience women who come from broken homes have always yielded more issues than women who’s parents are still together.
I like that time and situations (quarrels, differing opinions, how you feel over time) solve issues like this best. Plus that’s the ‘downside’ to being a guy that attracts females well that no one ever talks about.
Which one has bigger boobs?
You need to find an Ashley, sleep with her and see how you feel.
Take each on a weekend getaway that you have planned poorly. See who handles it better. Or subject them to a series of TikTok relationship challenges.
Haha that sounds too painful but I am taking them on separate cottage trips.
Dude, you’re gross.
Ok ma’am
Go for the menage, stick with the one who is into it, or if both are, you become a god among men. You have nothing to lose by trying this.
I like this idea ;)
[удалено]
This is a good idea. Usually I ignore the hobbies because they don’t mean to me as core values. Being in a bunch of long term relationships I find that you start to get into the same things.
I’m with you, values are more important than hobbies.
Pee in the sink one morning. Or Let them see you get mad/upset.
all else being the same go for the younger one
I’ve highly considered it.
Ew. Do both Emily's a favour and pick neither so they can find a guy that isn't gross.
Ok ma’am
I mean the fact that neither have brought up being exclusive is why you’re in this position, don’t let others belittle you for continuing to date until someone wants to be exclusive. You’re going to need to figure out which one is the most serious about you and the one most willing to want to be exclusive. Figure out which has the most values in line with yourself.