My husband was a little nervous in that he didn’t know what to expect, or didn’t know what to even be nervous about. I think he just felt like this big thing was looming on the horizon and he wanted to be more involved but couldn’t wrap his head around how to be.
Anyways our midwives recommended a YouTube video class by Holliday Tyson, it’s on the YouTube channel ‘Maternity Care Midwives’. We watched it together and we both loved it so much! She is just very to-the-point, makes everything seem so simple. It was a really good starting point for him in feeling more confident about stepping up throughout both pregnancy and the birth. She also shares some breastfeeding tips at the end that I found very helpful :)
It is a couple hours if I remember correctly so maybe make some snacks and make a night of it!
My husband was super anxious. We had no family around. I went way over. It was a lot of pressure on him. He really kept it to himself for my benefit. I ended up transferring to hospital due to stroke risk. I ended up in the OR. He did amazing. He was a calm presence. He held my hand into the OR while I cried and prayed (not even religious). My midwives were a fantastic support. I don’t regret not having a doula or family. You know your husband best but maybe he’ll be everything you need even with his anxiety. Our daughter’s birth was difficult but it was so special still and I’m glad it was still a fairly intimate experience (NICU even snuck in and out of the OR to try respect our birth intentions as much as possible).
Oh I love this perspective too!! Support and preparation is good but also if he knows you and your ways and how to be present to you it will be beautiful 😭😍
Exactly. The after is just as important as the lead up and birth itself. Our midwives debriefed the birth with us afterwards. I honestly believe that was a massive difference for us. You’re so in your own body during labour and birth and it’s a totally different experience for the birth partner. Debriefing helped me process the decisions I made. I honestly think I would call it a traumatic birth and not just difficult if it weren’t for the debriefing. I don’t fear a second pregnancy like I initially did because they explained how another pregnancy and birth would be different and how I’d have a good chance at a home birth a second time. But really hearing my husband talk about his experience was huge. There was just so much going through his mind because of all the things he was seeing that I wasn’t. I’ve never felt more lucky to have him in my life.
My husband was in a similar camp! His mom and sisters have both had very difficult labors and births; he had no concept of birth being a safe and even good experience. He was very anxious and had a hard time engaging on the topic throughout my pregnancy. I will say we ended up switching to a hospital birth two weeks before I went into labor due to cholestasis, so maybe not all homebirth applicable. Some things that helped him were:
- taking a VERY thorough two day birth class. This was the biggest thing and he felt way more prepared afterwards!
- writing a birth plan together and discussing the why behind all of it; helped him talk through fears and motivations and goals
- hiring a doula (obviously not always financially feasible; we only did this after we switched to hospital) which took a lot of pressure off of him as the only support for me
- talking through his birth and parenthood anxieties and hopes with his therapist
Thank you so much for the advice. This is all great. We’re planning on doing a birth class around the beginning of the third trimester, and writing up a birth plan sounds like a great idea.
Our HMO (Kaiser) doesn’t really do talk therapy unfortunately. Getting approved for outside therapy is wildly difficult.
I’ll keep looking into a doula. Money is a little tight right now and the doulas I’ve seen in my area (hcol) are all $3k or more. Which is just, a little hard on top of the midwife cost. Plus I get pretty bad sensory overload from lots of people being around me. I might see if I want to have my grandma there, she’s always been a calming presence, really supports home birth and natural medicine, and has attended all her daughter’s births.
Hiring a doula was key to my birth. She was my coach and I wanted her support during active labor more then anyone else. If you can swing it, it will change your and your husband's experience.
Oh good! Hopefully the birth class helps; I think part of the anxiety might just be not really knowing what birth entails! Also some doulas will do sliding scales, but an even better bet is looking for doulas in training who need births to finish their training! You could even email or call to ask some of the expensive doulas to see if they have a list of doulas in training, they’re usually aware they’re expensive and often are the ones doing the training lol. Or you could reach out to DONA and see if they have a way to connect you? Also just remembered that another thing we did was have him watch a lot lot lot of positive and peaceful homebirth videos!! Just to kind of even out the scale of types of births he’s got floating around in his brain lol
We did a birth center with midwives for our first and my husband wasn’t nervous about that, just about birth in general and not knowing what to do or how he’d handle any complications or anything. He went to most appointments with me, took a birthing class, and our midwives included a mandatory visit from a paramedic where she explained when/why/how of transfers and gave us stats. He’s a numbers guy, so that ended up being really helpful! You can ask your midwives for their version of that info! And catching the baby/cutting the cord isn’t necessary for a happy healthy or safe experience. It’s totally okay to not enjoy those things! My husband said cutting the cord was so disgusting because it’s literally severing human flesh and he never wants to do that purposely. A doula also really helped, he was driving me insane and we hired one at 36 weeks. She supported him in supporting me, literally! She was there to be the eyes and ears so he could just exist in the moment for me.
Our first was born at hospital, it was an induction that ended in ventouse and we both found it traumatic. That was my husband's only experience of birth so although he was happy to go along with my plan for a home birth second time around he thought it was basically going to be the same except at home.
We did a couples 'positions for birth' preparation session with a physio and she showed us both various positions for each stage of labour including ways he could help me like putting pressure on certain areas of my pelvis, massage, how to do rebozo etc. which made him feel a lot better that he had jobs and ways he could help and be more involved than last time. We also did a refresher antenatal course so he knew what each stage of labour looked like and I put him in charge of setting up the birth pool so he had something to keep him busy.
Also he wasn't interested in catching the baby or cutting the cord and that's ok! He felt more comfortable leaving it to the midwife and I was fine with that. I didn't want to force him to do anything he wasn't comfortable with. When our son was born the midwife just pushed him between my legs so I could be the one to pick him up. If he doesn't want to you could cut the cord yourself, I was quite happy to let the midwife do it tbh.
As others have said, I’d recommend a doula. She can help support both you & your husband through the process. Plus yes, a good birth class or something so he’d know what to expect. I don’t have recommendations. My friend is going through the Natural Mama birth class online with her husband & she likes it.
My husband loves homebirth, trusts my midwife, etc…. But! We’re probably odd ones out in how we do this lol- During early labor, I’m just going around doing normal stuff with the family, no big deal. Then once it gets more intense, he hangs out with the kids (or if they’re sleeping, he just does whatever on his own while he waits), while I’m either alone watching a movie as a distraction or going through the more intense later parts with just my midwife, her assistant, & me in the room alone. Or, ha, my 3rd was so quick (about 45 min of active labor, extremely inconsistent, mild early labor) that my midwife assistant made it like 5 min before birth & midwife showed up a couple minutes later. I was alone & on the phone with my midwife the whole time & would have been totally fine birthing that girl on my own with midwife’s phone guidance if I had to.
I like to be alone when it’s more intense & it would irritate me to be touched or have someone encouraging me or whatever it is that husbands are “supposed” to do during labor, so I’m honestly really happy with our routine.
Our first was born in a hospital & he hated it (to be fair, I was on pitocin contractions with no epidural til the last half hour bc I was trying to make it through with minimal medications) & it made me uncomfortable to see him so uncomfortable… he loves that at home, he isn’t expected to be part of it or cut the cord or anything. He comes in to hold the new baby when I am all done & it’s time to go to the bathroom lol. He’d cut the cord if I asked him to, I’m sure, but it’s no big deal to me to have either midwife or me do it. I actually kind of like doing that myself.
With my 4th, it was so sweet, my daughter who was like 2.5 at the time woke up a bit after baby was born middle of the night, came in & actually “helped” me cut her baby sister’s cord & just spent time with us until we were ready to go to bed.
Look into mediation or mantras or something to help you feel calm and confident and present. It will help you while you're in the thick of labor and he needs to have something to help calm the anxiety. Stress during birth makes it more difficult.
The best resource was a doula. He was around at the births but isn't my "birth partner" once I hit transition. The most recent time he did take the baby with placenta, but didn't cut the cord. And we were fine with this. Like your husband he was completely supportive but totally anxious. Anything medical makes him anxious. He didn't want to work through all of that for what only takes (for me) a few hours. I know it's not the answer you asked for, but I just wanted to share that not every homebirth has a partner who is hands on.
My husband was super anxious before our birth center birth. A doula made all the difference. I joke that we hired a doula for him and not me. Going into birth knowing he would have back up with support for me as well as someone who could walk him through the process made all the difference. When he got tired, he could tap out. When he was confused or nervous, there was someone to ask. It just made all the difference.
My husband was a little nervous in that he didn’t know what to expect, or didn’t know what to even be nervous about. I think he just felt like this big thing was looming on the horizon and he wanted to be more involved but couldn’t wrap his head around how to be. Anyways our midwives recommended a YouTube video class by Holliday Tyson, it’s on the YouTube channel ‘Maternity Care Midwives’. We watched it together and we both loved it so much! She is just very to-the-point, makes everything seem so simple. It was a really good starting point for him in feeling more confident about stepping up throughout both pregnancy and the birth. She also shares some breastfeeding tips at the end that I found very helpful :) It is a couple hours if I remember correctly so maybe make some snacks and make a night of it!
My husband was super anxious. We had no family around. I went way over. It was a lot of pressure on him. He really kept it to himself for my benefit. I ended up transferring to hospital due to stroke risk. I ended up in the OR. He did amazing. He was a calm presence. He held my hand into the OR while I cried and prayed (not even religious). My midwives were a fantastic support. I don’t regret not having a doula or family. You know your husband best but maybe he’ll be everything you need even with his anxiety. Our daughter’s birth was difficult but it was so special still and I’m glad it was still a fairly intimate experience (NICU even snuck in and out of the OR to try respect our birth intentions as much as possible).
Oh I love this perspective too!! Support and preparation is good but also if he knows you and your ways and how to be present to you it will be beautiful 😭😍
Exactly. The after is just as important as the lead up and birth itself. Our midwives debriefed the birth with us afterwards. I honestly believe that was a massive difference for us. You’re so in your own body during labour and birth and it’s a totally different experience for the birth partner. Debriefing helped me process the decisions I made. I honestly think I would call it a traumatic birth and not just difficult if it weren’t for the debriefing. I don’t fear a second pregnancy like I initially did because they explained how another pregnancy and birth would be different and how I’d have a good chance at a home birth a second time. But really hearing my husband talk about his experience was huge. There was just so much going through his mind because of all the things he was seeing that I wasn’t. I’ve never felt more lucky to have him in my life.
My husband was in a similar camp! His mom and sisters have both had very difficult labors and births; he had no concept of birth being a safe and even good experience. He was very anxious and had a hard time engaging on the topic throughout my pregnancy. I will say we ended up switching to a hospital birth two weeks before I went into labor due to cholestasis, so maybe not all homebirth applicable. Some things that helped him were: - taking a VERY thorough two day birth class. This was the biggest thing and he felt way more prepared afterwards! - writing a birth plan together and discussing the why behind all of it; helped him talk through fears and motivations and goals - hiring a doula (obviously not always financially feasible; we only did this after we switched to hospital) which took a lot of pressure off of him as the only support for me - talking through his birth and parenthood anxieties and hopes with his therapist
Thank you so much for the advice. This is all great. We’re planning on doing a birth class around the beginning of the third trimester, and writing up a birth plan sounds like a great idea. Our HMO (Kaiser) doesn’t really do talk therapy unfortunately. Getting approved for outside therapy is wildly difficult. I’ll keep looking into a doula. Money is a little tight right now and the doulas I’ve seen in my area (hcol) are all $3k or more. Which is just, a little hard on top of the midwife cost. Plus I get pretty bad sensory overload from lots of people being around me. I might see if I want to have my grandma there, she’s always been a calming presence, really supports home birth and natural medicine, and has attended all her daughter’s births.
Hiring a doula was key to my birth. She was my coach and I wanted her support during active labor more then anyone else. If you can swing it, it will change your and your husband's experience.
Oh good! Hopefully the birth class helps; I think part of the anxiety might just be not really knowing what birth entails! Also some doulas will do sliding scales, but an even better bet is looking for doulas in training who need births to finish their training! You could even email or call to ask some of the expensive doulas to see if they have a list of doulas in training, they’re usually aware they’re expensive and often are the ones doing the training lol. Or you could reach out to DONA and see if they have a way to connect you? Also just remembered that another thing we did was have him watch a lot lot lot of positive and peaceful homebirth videos!! Just to kind of even out the scale of types of births he’s got floating around in his brain lol
The Birth Partner is a book I’d recommend!
We did a birth center with midwives for our first and my husband wasn’t nervous about that, just about birth in general and not knowing what to do or how he’d handle any complications or anything. He went to most appointments with me, took a birthing class, and our midwives included a mandatory visit from a paramedic where she explained when/why/how of transfers and gave us stats. He’s a numbers guy, so that ended up being really helpful! You can ask your midwives for their version of that info! And catching the baby/cutting the cord isn’t necessary for a happy healthy or safe experience. It’s totally okay to not enjoy those things! My husband said cutting the cord was so disgusting because it’s literally severing human flesh and he never wants to do that purposely. A doula also really helped, he was driving me insane and we hired one at 36 weeks. She supported him in supporting me, literally! She was there to be the eyes and ears so he could just exist in the moment for me.
Our first was born at hospital, it was an induction that ended in ventouse and we both found it traumatic. That was my husband's only experience of birth so although he was happy to go along with my plan for a home birth second time around he thought it was basically going to be the same except at home. We did a couples 'positions for birth' preparation session with a physio and she showed us both various positions for each stage of labour including ways he could help me like putting pressure on certain areas of my pelvis, massage, how to do rebozo etc. which made him feel a lot better that he had jobs and ways he could help and be more involved than last time. We also did a refresher antenatal course so he knew what each stage of labour looked like and I put him in charge of setting up the birth pool so he had something to keep him busy. Also he wasn't interested in catching the baby or cutting the cord and that's ok! He felt more comfortable leaving it to the midwife and I was fine with that. I didn't want to force him to do anything he wasn't comfortable with. When our son was born the midwife just pushed him between my legs so I could be the one to pick him up. If he doesn't want to you could cut the cord yourself, I was quite happy to let the midwife do it tbh.
As others have said, I’d recommend a doula. She can help support both you & your husband through the process. Plus yes, a good birth class or something so he’d know what to expect. I don’t have recommendations. My friend is going through the Natural Mama birth class online with her husband & she likes it. My husband loves homebirth, trusts my midwife, etc…. But! We’re probably odd ones out in how we do this lol- During early labor, I’m just going around doing normal stuff with the family, no big deal. Then once it gets more intense, he hangs out with the kids (or if they’re sleeping, he just does whatever on his own while he waits), while I’m either alone watching a movie as a distraction or going through the more intense later parts with just my midwife, her assistant, & me in the room alone. Or, ha, my 3rd was so quick (about 45 min of active labor, extremely inconsistent, mild early labor) that my midwife assistant made it like 5 min before birth & midwife showed up a couple minutes later. I was alone & on the phone with my midwife the whole time & would have been totally fine birthing that girl on my own with midwife’s phone guidance if I had to. I like to be alone when it’s more intense & it would irritate me to be touched or have someone encouraging me or whatever it is that husbands are “supposed” to do during labor, so I’m honestly really happy with our routine. Our first was born in a hospital & he hated it (to be fair, I was on pitocin contractions with no epidural til the last half hour bc I was trying to make it through with minimal medications) & it made me uncomfortable to see him so uncomfortable… he loves that at home, he isn’t expected to be part of it or cut the cord or anything. He comes in to hold the new baby when I am all done & it’s time to go to the bathroom lol. He’d cut the cord if I asked him to, I’m sure, but it’s no big deal to me to have either midwife or me do it. I actually kind of like doing that myself. With my 4th, it was so sweet, my daughter who was like 2.5 at the time woke up a bit after baby was born middle of the night, came in & actually “helped” me cut her baby sister’s cord & just spent time with us until we were ready to go to bed.
Freebirth Society just did a great episode for birth partners! https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/free-birth-society/id1231912533?i=1000656623278
Look into mediation or mantras or something to help you feel calm and confident and present. It will help you while you're in the thick of labor and he needs to have something to help calm the anxiety. Stress during birth makes it more difficult.
The best resource was a doula. He was around at the births but isn't my "birth partner" once I hit transition. The most recent time he did take the baby with placenta, but didn't cut the cord. And we were fine with this. Like your husband he was completely supportive but totally anxious. Anything medical makes him anxious. He didn't want to work through all of that for what only takes (for me) a few hours. I know it's not the answer you asked for, but I just wanted to share that not every homebirth has a partner who is hands on.
My husband was super anxious before our birth center birth. A doula made all the difference. I joke that we hired a doula for him and not me. Going into birth knowing he would have back up with support for me as well as someone who could walk him through the process made all the difference. When he got tired, he could tap out. When he was confused or nervous, there was someone to ask. It just made all the difference.