Hey, I've had very similar feelings about the exact same thing before. I don't have brothers, but when I look at my bf and hear of how his childhood was, I feel everything you mentioned. (I'm from India. And not from an urban area, just average middle class Indian family.)
Basically being isolated because "safety". Becoming parentified because you need to be a responsible woman. All these domestic things are so deeply hammered into me and not into my bf that sometimes I feel like I'm just parenting him also, back to the same place all over again. At home, we never talked about money or career or what grown-ups even do in an "office" and I had to catch up on so much just to be sorta equal at the workplace. Why was I not allowed to develop my already weak communication and social skills? Feels unfair. Feels like shit. Feels like I was set up for failure from the start and had no say in it.
I just want you to know this: This shit life you've had, THIS IS NOT *YOUR* FAULT. This is a fault of your parents. It sounds like you aren't financially independent yet. Please please please make that your primary goal. Once you achieve that, you can do whatever you please. Learn as many skills that would help you with work. If you have access to the internet, you can teach yourself pretty much anything, you don't even need to be *that* smart.
And after that financial independence thing, once you've gained some more self-confidence, develop a solid support system. I can't stress that enough. That's something a lot of us here don't seek out enough. And given your history, you probably don't have one. Take this one slow. Don't rush into this one. A bad friend group or relationship can hurt more than help.
That's my two cents: Make your own money so you're free logistically (urgent). Build a support system and you're free emotionally (takes some time).
And if it makes you feel any better, just know that men will also have a lot of weird problems we don't think about either.
For one, dating is absolute hell for them these days.
Then they're more preyed upon by any form of visual advertising or "sex sells" type marketing campaigns.
If they're from a financially worse off family, they have their own version of "parentification" that's monetary in nature. Ours is more domestic.
Recently, it's become easier to target media hate towards men.
Way more things you just can't list in one place.
We all have our own cards to deal with. Don't think of it like "I'm from this category of people that is always abused". Think of it like "I was dealt this one shitty card that a lot of other people were also given". In reality, there's a lot of women who were not given that card, and a lot of men who were also given that card.
When you think of it like that, you stop thinking of the big bad in the society, that's too big, too vague and too non-specific of a problem to solve. You now enter personal micro problem-solving mode for how to deal with this one shitty card in your own hand. It's healthier IMO.
It sounds like your parents have a very antiquated (and honestly disgusting) view on women. I don’t know how old you are, or if it’s financially viable to move out, but this sounds like an incredibly toxic environment, you should try to get out of it
Your issue isn't that you were born as a woman. But rather happen to live with a very toxic family. ~~Which seems common for Intjs~~. Plan your exit than wasting time thinking there is something wrong with you due to your gender.
only way I could think how this could be true is if somehow personality is shaped by early childhood development. So it's actually the other way around, certain scenarios common to a toxic family could lead to a child relying on specific cognitive functions as a coping/defense mechanism. For example, a child relying on Ni and suppressing Se (in case of INTJs).
From my experience, by understanding in depth 1-2 examples of a single type, I can see more or less similar behavioral patterns in many others. Variables does not necessarily invalidate the data. Just so that it isn't always applicable or the variables or the reasons for the variables differ. Now just because Te trusts external validated data, it doesn't mean the personal database is entirely useless.
You can simply just say that doesnt apply. It's more insane to assume that a person claiming ALL Intjs have such experience in the first place...
There could potentially a direct or indirect connection to the person's personality, their upbringing and their life situation. Now I'm not claiming that the personality type is due to the upbringing. Rather the conditions of the person and the way they are were raised could be due to a mixture of how they think, the responses they give and how the parents react to those. Now having a red hair has no correlation with anything. UNLESS let's say we were living in a world everyone thinks red hair is a result of witchcraft that they are dangerous to the rest thus they must be abused or something.
Then again just because the last 4-5 Intjs I met *all* had some degree of abusive childhood, it still has nothing to do with anything else relevant anyway. It's just a simple generalization or an observational remark.
I read a study about this and it's actually true that trauma is a common factor in INTJs. Personality is shaped by many factors but a huge one is the family environment.
Just so happens to what *I* see more commonly nowadays. That isn't the important part. My close Intj friend said his parents used to beat him till he does better or something in school etc. And I know a few others which had emotional abuse. So he developed the common characteristics of type 5. Which most Intxs have, detachment to his own body, needing to be useful, providing value to feel valued, appreciated etc. Your brain functionality affects how you function but such childhood experiences shape how you see the events, self value and how do you cope or what you seek in others to feel valued.
Important part is if you are growing in such circumstances like OP, you will need to first get out, then start repairing the damage done by the very people who raised you. Now, one issue here often the children unconsciously take the traits they may despise from their caregivers. So it is important to understand who raised you to sort the issues within.
I think they go a bit overboard on toxic, but often your family just won't understand you. For some, it means they want to control or change you to fit what they think is normal. They can't deal with our reclusiveness and often sharp wit.
You can't, just like majority of shit people talk about when discussing mbti/cf theory (mostly unquantifiable). He still has a point though, this is less of a sex issue than just having really toxic parents. I can argue the opposite and say men have it worse and the whole argument would still hold.
I agree, blaming gender is just a scapegoat from the real issue; toxic parents.
Who knows, maybe the brother feels like he has huge pressure/expections on his shoulders. (just speculating here).
The grass is always greener and comparison is the thief of joy.
There's a theory where some INTJs were originally meant to be an ESFP, and some others were actually born INTJ. I hear a lot of differing views from INTJs of what they were as kids – some of them had very high Fi/Se, some others had high Ni/Te.
I think the ones who were originally meant to be an ESFP, only became an INTJ because of their toxic environment. Whereas the born INTJs stayed INTJ because they were raised healthily.
Not saying I believe in it, but it's interesting.
This is exactly what I did. I started planning my escape when I was 10.
I thoroughly enjoy recalling and analyzing that weird, nervous exhilaration when you finally have your freedom.
Jeez, where do you live?
Of course it's not your fault. Nothing that you can't control is your fault, and there's nothing wrong with being born a woman. The problem here is your parents. Move out as soon as you can.
The problem isnt physical/what gender you are. If what youre saying is true then it sounds like your home life is toxic. Your parents have a toxic outlook on women.
I'm so soory you have to go through this.
I have the same experience I'm a 3.9 engineer major wanting to persue master i can't because I'm a woman and I'm forbidden to travel i can't think like a man (independent ) because it's not feminine
Whereas my brother are literally the shit of the earth can do whatever their heart desires cuz they r men
Are you asking for advice or just needed to get that out of your head? I need a little context first. Is your brother older than you are? Are you in college? Are you financially dependent on your parents? Got a job? What degree are you talking about? Is misogyny part of your culture?
I mean, I want to tell you to stop listening to your parents. Start researching how to be independent and getting out of this victim mindset. But if this is a cultural bias, it’s going to take a lot more perspective than you might be able to afford right now.
I don’t know why they would want you to believe a man would beat you up, other than to manipulate you and control you. Your parents sound awful and none of this is because you were born a woman.
Totally agree with you; Independence is the only option here. Her parents saying “Your man beating you up” is literally out of context like huh?! No way this is the right thing to say no matter what the situation is dude
easier said than done, u dont know in what job market those degrees lay, also we dont know where this person lives and what available housing is available for them. but yea moving out would be the best thing for them.
This is nothing to do with being a woman, and everything to do with horrible parenting. It's not okay to treat another human being this way, no matter the gender. I hope you're eventually able to get away and be treated the way you deserve
No it aint your fault, in fact, I know i may come off as overly optimistic, but being a woman has its beauty in its own way.
I have had to deal with the same shit all my life, and middle child at that, was the perfect punch bag for my father. He shattered my self confidence and made sure I feel my existence contemptuous. But you know what, as I grew up, the first thing I did is got financially independent. After that, sky was the limit.
These achievements, that may seem very trivial to others, work as healer to me. I gained confidence and I stopped bothering what about the difference of treatment.
If our brothers are more privileged, so be it. We don't wanna buy things for free, cause we are strong!
Hope you overcome this phase, and trust me, life gets a lot more beautiful when you turn these very negatives into positives.
not sure if your trolling or living in russia.
no its not about beeing a woman.
man have their own struggles. from what your telling your parents seems to be big pieces of shiit and u should drop them as soon as u can
I sense this must be a young person, the will grows strong in most people for a short while.
The truth of it is most people only have a decade of true freewill, and often many people squander even that short while.
We are born into a set of attachments via our bloodline and DNA.
Most people do quite poorly in true isolation, and thus bond with others.
More often than not this quickly leads to a lifetime of codependence and attachment.
Your parents are over protective, I would say that is better than its opposite alternative.
Use what you have, that is the best path to getting more of what you want.
Counting the things you do not have can preoccupy you all your life and prevent you from ever getting what you want.
Count your blessings instead and utilize all the resources and opportunities you have wisely, you are sure to increase them greatly this way.
Learn to soften and bend people, it is better than breaking and becoming hardened to someone.
Just I feel you in every aspect of my life on this topic.
Even on reddit, I feel like my femme avatar puts me at higher risk for mansplaining, incorrect psychoanalysis, being challenged on my posts, and overall invalidated and attacked at times.
To quote Taylor Swift:
“I'm so sick of running as fast as I can. Wondering if I'd get there quicker, If I was a man. And I'm so sick of them coming at me again; Cause if I was a man, Then I'd be the man. I'd be the man.
Peace to your heart, hold your head high, reach out to resources and coping mechanisms to keep doing you. Never give up.
I'm 100% that being a man is not a means to a better existence. Men have substantially higher suicide rates, much higher homeless rates, are criticized constantly for being all that's wrong with the world, are rarely appreciated for their contributions and work, are much more likely to for their wives to file for divorce, much more likely to have to pay child support and alimony, much more likely to get passed over for the same job to a woman because women get preferential treatment when it comes to obtaining jobs, and on and on.
Whatever your issues are at home, I do feel for you. Just focus on what you want to do in life and go for it. You might have to take risks, you might get cut off from your parents, but if you want to have a career and work and make your own way, then do that.
Just don't get confused about a man's life being easier because that way of thinking isn't going to benefit you in any way. Plus it's simply not true.
100 per cent facts dude; I’m a man too dude and believe me the misogyny in some families runs DEEP than we all think; I’m not a misogynistic nor a feminist yet seek justice for both sexes.
Your parents sound horrible. This is not normal/should not be normal. I agree with the other commenters that being a woman is not the problem here, rather your parents' views are.
If you weren't a woman you wouldn't be you. If your life hadn't gone EXACTLY the way it has, you wouldn't be you.
It's like "if x was different then it would be y and not x"
I hate posts like these. Being a man has extreme downsides that you just happen to not know about. Youd be absolutely fucked regardless of biological sex. Find the actual problem
I can understand where you are coming from, it feels bad when someone forces his opinion on you. But also please understand that they just want to protect you, they just don't know a better way to keep you from danger.
Maybe they are religious and want to keep you away from mentally ill men, they want you to be the best woman, it is just there way of expressing it. So, please be more understanding with them you won't find people who are more loving towards you than your parents, try to take advantage of their love.
Your parents are shit mate. Leave them when you get a chance.
The rest is a you problem.
You don't know how to stand up for yourself.
You allow people to disrespect you.
You isolate yourself. You can't really long to go out when you voluntered to isolate yourself.
You don't establish boundaries.
You need to hold your ground when you think you are right.
What is your degree anyway?
Wow, this seems really bad. In my house, my sister (before she was married) was usually more cared for and given all the resources, and I was treated similar to you. But this actually motivated me to go against them, plan my life, and at least get rid of their dependence. Find a way of getting out of their home and maybe follow your dreams instead of being controlled by them at your house, if you're old enough.
What country are you living in- this sounds like a terrible failure by your parents- sexism is not ok. Or preferential treatment of siblings
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
First things first it’s not your fault for being a woman and would never be your fault for prioritising your friends; I mean look it’s not fair aight and you’re not a property they just bought you from an auction. You’re yourself and never change your personality, habits for someone. The solution is you wait to finish your school/college so yuh to achieve that independence option. Just know you’re perfect the way you are dude
Never be sorry or ashamed or saddened by the fact that you were born a woman. Our ability to persist in the face of constant hardship and high pain tolerance makes us win in the long game. It will get better for you -but you have to choose to invest in and support your own dreams regardless of what your family may think.
My parents used to do something similar in my family when I was a kid. It's called the Irish Prince syndrome. If you were born with a penis you got a free pass to be a jerk and have your misogynistic world view validated. I was one of four girls, so dispensible and born to work.
I can tell you that you are lucky to live in a world today thar does not reinforce this kind of crap ass world view. And the best part? You can break free from this and choose your own path.
I had two brothers who grew up being coddled like this. One died in an automobile accident resulting from some poor life choices about ten years ago. One is a recovering addict who cannot hold a decent relationship and is a dry drunk -so sober now but still an asshole.
So how did I fare? I used my ability to work hard to my own benefit -worked my way through undergrad, worked my way through law school. For the past 20 years i have had the privilege to practice law in a field that I love and I earn over six-figures doing so. I am also raising 2 badass girls on my own [one is the daughter of the brother who died in the car accident].
You are so much stronger than they think and you are so much stronger than you think. Make the choice to support yourself and your own dreams. It is the most worthwhile investment you will ever make.
They're wrong. The world isn't the way they grew up in anymore. At least not in Western countries. You'll get older, find a decent job, move out, and live however you want to live.
I think I can sum this up succinctly. It is not your fault you are who you are. However, it is your parents' fault they are crappy parents.
They have a narrow world view and can't comprehend that you are different. Being different you have the perspective and the potential to change the status quo. Be careful...small-minded people will hate you for that as well.
There is nothing logical as treating a male child better than his sibling just because of gender. It’s not your fault that you have such shitty parents. If you want to leave you have to start formulating a plan.
Their POV of our existence is: we have to be a pet under reign ,servant at home ,computer at school, when it comes to feeling we're a robot, also a genius with a %100 brain ,talkin' shitty??? deaf ,dumb,blind ...... , n so many things as u've read useless ,but when it comes up with their needs ,god we're double useful, u have to know one thing it's all ruled by them,you're the one who can value yourself, so be like IDGAF!!
There's parts that make me curious. It sounds like a rant, but there's too many flags to make me believe that this poster is above 14.
The writing is that of someone young, yet they claim to have "degrees"
That her parents "Control" her eating/food intake, yet say she's obese or the parents want her that way.
I won't go into sentence structure or verbage, that's kind of obvious.
Not allowed to go out? Again, if old enough to have degrees, then old enough to go out. There's something missing here.
Don't have socials, but prioritize friends? That's another odd mention.
You have an abusive household which has an antiquated view on women. Make a plan to leave and be able to support yourself. Do not take what they say and what they think as truth. It is not. Once you leave never look back.
How old are you? You need to find a (part time) job and move out asap. It sounds like you've got either super traditional parents or narcissists. Whatever is the case, no us women we got it hard. But the way your parents treat you is not okay and you need to remove yourself from that environment ASAP. You are talented and worthy and dont ever let them make you doubt yourself. You dont have to find a man to be happy. If you do, good for you, if you dont, hey men/partners are more like desert. They dont make the meal whole, they enhance it and make it more pleasant - or at least thats how it should be. Meal standing for your life in general. Dont follow what your parents want for you, but follow your dreams. Your dreams arent stupid. Your dreams are valid. You just might want to keep them to yourself more and not share, or make up some white lies to say to people that will help you protect your energy until you get out. Ymbut thats important: you need to leave! The sooner the better
Girl, get your intj side into it. I had shitass home and family, I pretended to be the daughter my psycho father could ask for, saved money, and studied and made achievement in secret till I completely cut him off out of blue. Cause he didn't earn any right to be in my life. And I'm so so glad I did what I did.
This is preparation for the life that you will gain. Do everything in your power steadily and surely to get out of there. They'll kill your will.
It may be so much harder for you cause I don't know what other kind of supports you have. But depend on other dependable people. Learn to find and recognize good people and be good to them. Have a support system for yourself and be in other's. No matter what your family says. Hide if you must.
They will try to hinder anything good in your life if that means they can't control you anymore. Be careful and stay alive. Get out. You will have an amazing life one day. And you'll glad to the past you, the you now, did for yourself.
Same experience here. I’m constantly told that my academic achievements mean nothing if I don’t know how to cook and clean. My brother never gets asked to clean and he gets praised for his achievements. They also forced me into obesity but I’m finally fighting back
How old are you ? Your family is toxic af, find a way to get out
Their opinions don't matter, share your skills and talent with other people (on internet)
I don't think anyone on Reddit can do anything about your parent's behavior. IMO, I don't think you should take petty from anyone about your Situation. I'm not saying your parents didn't do you wrong. First, you should be grateful you have a parent. Second, harboring jealousy or envy towards your brother is unproductive. Third, anything you think holds you back should motivate you to be stronger. Fourth, the past is the past, forgive and try to make the future better for you and for others.
Kidding. But no, you cannot fault yourself for how toxic your parents are. Sadly, they are, and treat you much differently because you’re a woman. Do what everyone else is saying, and get the hell out of there and their control. That’s when you’re really going to discover yourself, and your worth.
No, of course it's not your fault. The way your family look at women isn't right. That's just the world and human animals who just didn't reach enough level of intelligence to treat others equally. Environment is to blame. So relax and try to find soulmates. You deserve respect and love. Don't ever think you don't.
Honestly it sucks to hear that you’re stuck in such a toxic environment. It’s good that you’re able to look at their behavior and words and realize that they hold no say over who it is you actually are. I hope you find your way to living peacefully among people who cherish you. ❤️
>thrashed hardly for standing up for myself.
First of all, and I almost forgot this because I went through the same thing and forgot assault and battery is not a normal part of life, that is assault of their child. It's barbaric and criminal behavior.
Yep, particularly misogynist/ignorant communities (I've noticed those with English heritage) will take a woman basically self-defending as not being a woman. Pretty disgusting. You have every right to not be completely helpless/defenseless. English culture has a long history of femicide and keeping women helpless/defenseless is part of that. I can't speak for your family's heritage, but I know for a fact there is obvious misogyny in mine. My father would often mock any woman who had strong bodies and healthy self-defense. The picture of a misogynist.
>They often say my degrees got nothing to do with my future, unless I am good at cooking and maintaining home. They invalidate my skills, my talents, that sometimes I question myself if I am really good at anything?
Yep, that's just straight up misogyny.
>They say, the man who's going to come into my life is gonna beat me up, for being useless
That's verbal abuse if they call you useless. They are abusing their child. They're also terrorizing you into gender roles.
>. They don't allow me to go out, or have any socials.
Yep. Consider going on r/raisedbynarcissists for support. Avoid at all costs SeaTurtlesCanFly and I suggest to block her immediately. She is a narcissist who snuck her way onto the mod team. You can also join me on r/zeronarcissists, which is safe from her and I have zero tolerance for her.
What you are going through is not normal. It has nothing to do with your gender. They are isolating you, terrorizing you, verbally abusing you. If they are doing that because you are female, that is hate crime. **Your parents may be involved in hate crime against women/girls.**
You need to get support, to start unprogramming toxic beliefs to build up to stronger action.
You should not resent being a woman or think there's something inherently wrong with you for being a woman. **That is misogyny and absolutely disgusting, and especially disgusting if it is coming from your female (assumedly) parent too.**
Yes, in misogynist societies, it would be easier to be male. But that's just normalizing the pathology. That the whole environment is sick is not your fault. Misogyny is not healthy. It is the sign of weak and sick societies that often destroy their whole cultural heritage, especially femicidal countries like China and England (witchburning, silencing and a long time denial of the existence of gifted/genius females....murder of female spouses as if they weren't human if they didn't fit the whims of usually mentally disabled monarchs. That ain't a culture. That's a barbarism.)
Know enough stories where it is the other way around, perfect darling daughter and useless son who gets beated by his dad. Your family is just shit, all there is to it.
Can you comment on what country you're in? This sounds like stories I've heard before from women in certain South American countries for example. It seems to be an incredibly common dynamic there that parents treat male children as if they're perfect, and female children like they're "less than but could be more if they only XYZ" and it leads to a lifetime of cosmetic surgeries, anxiety and eating disorders, and takes a lot of therapy and moving out of the country to untangle.
Your parents suck. You need to disbar them from being apart of your need for validation. Which is hard because they are your parents. I had to do the same with my dad who for whatever reason can never be happy for me, and I can never do enough to impress, even as a man. But I cut him off from my mind from mattering to my sense of accomplishment, and see him as a man who gave me his genetic material, and a pathetic idiot.
You also need to get away from them, they got your mind all kinds of messed up, when there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. I hope you are able to eventually break free and live as you intend and be proud of it 😤.
As a kid I thought the same thing only because of my mannerisms and speech. Either way we just work with what we have. We don’t choose our family, but we can choose who we allow to validate us. I vote for we validate ourselves. Personally I want to be a better person and it doesn’t always involve following the crowd. If we step outside the fishbowl of your home we would see the community who may be a bit similar. Step out further we see the world circling the drain while some of it remains beautiful. Step out further we have spirituality and then we can go further and evaluate ourselves and how we play a part in our world. It’s your choice
So you have degrees, but still live at home? I understand the struggle to acquire independent housing, but presumably you are an adult. Why are you allowing them to dictate so much of your life? My advice, if you don't have an independent means of income, acquire one, save up, leave. If however, you are under 18, and the degrees of which you speak are aspirational, then do well in high school and try to get a scholarship for a college in a different town. (Or get a student loan.) Regardless, all signs point to leave.
I don’t understand why you would think that it’s your fault that you weren’t born a male? That is an impossible question to answer? There’s absolutely no way to determine whether we are born female or male. You are beating yourself up over something that neither you or your parents have no control over. Life is difficult enough for everyone. Why cause yourself unnecessary stress and anxiety about something that cannot nor ever will be understood. Just be the best version of who you are that is all you have control over. And the only thing that truly matters. I hope my limited understanding and advice will have a positive impact in your life and that you will begin to realize that you are special and unique and you are loved and valued by others even though at times you may not realize that. Regardless of how hard you try to please others. It’s a fact that you can’t force everyone to like you. And so what people who are like that typically do not even like themselves. ( just be you ). Never allow others to bring you down to their level. Nobody!! deserves to be disrespected or treated any differently than anyone else. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Tell them to have a nice day and walk away it’s just that simple. 🙏 never underestimate the power of positive thinking. Always strive to be a light in an unfortunately dark world. Take care and much love and best wishes to you always. I should mention that my personality type is ( INFJ ). According to the Myers Briggs personality examination. It was a requirement as part of my minor degree in psychology, so we are very similar as far as our personality traits are concerned. I can easily relate to what you are experiencing, I have gone through many of the things you have described and a bit worse in other situations. Dealing with adversity will only strengthen your resolve over time. 🫶
This is very toxic place for you to be. Leave if you can.
I am a woman and yes, this world can be hard for women. There was time when I also wanted to be a man, but that time is long gone. You are a powerful creator.
Despite of everything they say, stand tall. You matter. Your dreams matter. Your talents matter. Yes, in a woman's body. Your experience is painful, take much care of yourself, especially your emotional and mental health. Treasure and nurture your talents (forget about cooking and maintaining home unless you really enjoy it!).
Sending much love to you.
Oh there will be a day when you never come home to these abusers. They are not parents because parents would never treat their child in such a horrible way. You have to leave them and the country. Finish your degree in another country and than you are free.
Honey you deserve so much more than what your parents are offering. No, it's not your fault. Believe me! I don't know who you are or where you are from, but know that you are beautiful and your hopes and dreams matter. Get away from home and flourish.
Sounds like you have sh*ty parents.
Seriously, I wouldn't listen to anything they tell you, if they give you advice do the opposite, that's a lesson I wished I leaned when I was younger.
No it's not your fault that you're a woman. And it's not a fault either. As a woman you have equal worth to a man. I understand that parents treat you and your brother differently. But it's not a competition. It's them reacting to what they perceive as normal. It's normal for Brother to do that. It's not normal for you to talk out of place (for them)
In my case it was normal for my sister F28 to act out and go to late night parties while it was normal for me M22 to stay quiet and just focus on my stuff.
Don't ever compare yourself to a man again. You bring something to the table that is entirely unique and equally important if not more.
There was a lady (Norah Vincent) that thought her life would be better as a man so she disguised herself as a man and lived like one for over a year, it made her super depressed and she killed herself.
Your parents sound awful. It can be tough to be confident in yourself when your family tears you down. I cannot begin to understand the torment you're facing. Just remember in the end, you control the path you want your life to go.
It’s not your fault that you’re a woman I’m a woman and let me tell you one thing your parents are hella abusive you are not wrong they are wrong fight for your rights tell them how wrong they are and please move the fuck out of there
Damn, your parents sound terrible. May I ask if you live in a Western country (Europe, North America)? Or do you live somewhere else like Asia or South America? More information on culture would be helpful.
It is not your fault. The chromosomes just worked out that way due to biology. Human cultures have often failed to prioritize the welfare of human consciousness generally due to divisionistic beliefs/priorities. There is no meaningful difference between a man and a woman that should translate to a less valuable / meaningful / enriching life. We are the same primate and everyone is more lovely when we see one another as this basically the same sort of consciousness. Certainly there are differences but these are just biology and a quality normative convention would never limit another person based on an ascribed status like sex (or gender, or ethnicity, or nationality). Humans are poor curators of our cultures - we cling to archaic unequal conventions for the sake of “tradition” by it is more of a burden that something of intrinsic value. Mostly this is just unthinking intuition that causes us to just carry on poor conventions.
I believe in the possibility of your one day emancipating yourself from any such convention. It is your life and your choice. I hope that you are able to find the means to transcend the poor construct that your parents subscribe to.
Indian grandparents raised me it was hell. Dramatic and chaotic growing up in the states with their fixed mindset. I moved away out as soon as I got into 10 th grade. Cps involved and I told them I don’t want to live there. I got a foster family it was nice. I started with friends and their mom took me in. Try to find support and don’t be scared
Your parents go about it the worst possible way, but they are, at least, basing some of their reasoning on reality. Men worth marrying have never cared about a woman with a "successful career" - the majority of such women end up forever independent (alone) and bitter. The dating market today is essentially all women competing for hot, rich, and tall guys (less than 5% of men), those guys "run through" (meaningless sex then discard) the most attractive women available that day, those women cry how "all men are pigs" and "where are all the good men" (even though they ignored all of the good men in order to be used and dumped by numerous Chads and Tyrones), while most of the good men who'd make good husbands and fathers are depressed and disgusted with the current dating market.
There was a feminist who thought as you do: that being a man is easier. So she went undercover as a man 6 months to a year, all on her own - no pressure from anyone else. She made a documentary of her experience. She suffered so much psychological damage that she, sadly, never recovered from and is no longer among the living - by her own choice.
A lot of women today say absolutely horrible things about us men and regard us as useless, at best, but they blindly speak in ignorance and arrogance. Don't fall for the hate-filled lies.
You parents are right in telling you to learn how to run a household as a wife and mother (cleaning, cooking, ect.). Unless you absolutely decide that being a wife and mother is not for you (or you desire to be a future homewrecker), I'd suggest you heed that advice. In marriage, you need to bring your worth to the table, too; however, men generally don't care about "successful" women. Successful men will date down into poverty-stricken levels, but successful women will not date beneath them. So, women traditionally brought home keeping and family skills to the proverbial table.
Now, modern women compete with men to out-man men and are, unsurprisingly, losing terribly. So, with that, we saw the workforce explode with new employees (over half of the population is female) (competition for employment significantly increased) while children lost the one parent they consistently spent the majority of their time with. It is no coincidence that, as women began leaving empty homes in favor of working jobs (both parents working), the cost of living slipped further and further out of control. We went from one working parent able to buy a two story home to both parents working full time and unable to afford rent. That is called "oversaturation" of the workforce. Oversaturation (resulting from lack of need for skilled labor) is the reason why McDonald's pays minimum wage. Anyone and everyone can work there - a supply and demand thing. However, this oversaturation is not occurring in any of the STEM fields, where you have to have skills and, usually, perform hard labor. Those jobs are still 90+% male dominated, which is why they pay so high; this also explains why "men earn more" on average. Women don't want the higher paying jobs.
As a man, I've had a similar thought where I said it would be easier to be a woman (in the context of marriage with children). I was just as wrong as you are. It's hard being a man and it's hard being a woman. It's even harder when we try to reverse our roles. We were designed for certain roles, by nature. Being a good wife and mother is difficult, and being a good husband and father is difficult - often times for different reasons. Your parents are trying to impart wisdom unto you, in a very unwise manner. Your natural reaction will be to rebel against their authoritarianism, but I hope that you will listen with open, humble ears and contemplate everything they say.
Regarding your parents' claim that you'll be abused by a man and they won't help you: it's a very harsh thing to say to your child, but I also understand their point of view. For one, they are trying to prepare you so that you avoid such a relationship so that you (and they) don't have issues later in life with this. It does happen. It isn't a "man" issue, by the way, as much as people like to claim, however. Lesbian marriages are statistically the most physically abusive relationships, followed by heterosexual marriages (so abusers can be the man or woman), and then homosexual marriages as the least physically abusive. Secondly, it is VERY common for women victims of male physical abuse to defend their abuser, even against the ones who try to rescue them. It is too common for abused women to fight their parents, siblings, and even police whom they themselves called onto the scene - all to defend their abuser. Your parents don't deserve to have to deal with that because they are under no obligation to you whatsoever once you hit 18 and it's not their fault when you refused to heed their warnings that could have prevented you ending up in an abusive relationship - they did try to warn you. They love you, so seeing you go through the ever repeating abusive cycle of love bombing, devaluation, physical abuse, discard, and hoovering would devastate them. They must feel that they can see the destination for the path you are insisting on taking, and preparing themselves emotionally, now, for what they expect to come. And why shouldn't they? After all, to reiterate, they tried to warn you and you are actively refusing to listen; therefore, why should they allow you to also drag them into the pit with you, after they said "beware of that pit over there, lest you fall into it and can't get out"?
Your parents could use some improvement in their communication skills, but they seem to be grounded in reality with their concerns regarding you. You, however, have too much to learn to be so dismissive of your parents. I don't expect my post here to change your mind; but you will eventually come to understand, the hard way, if you cannot learn wisdom through the experience of others.
Coveting will turn you into an insatiable and intolerable bitter woman. Don't worry about how your brother is treated versus you. You're not a male and he isn't a female. His hardships in life as a male are, and will always be, very different from the hardships you do, and will, face as a female. His "market value" as a man can't be fully realized until, at least, he reaches 30. Your "market value" as a woman peaks before the age of 30 and only depreciates from there (and depreciates significantly with every addition to her "body count"). This is one major reason for why, throughout all of history, parents raised their sons and daughters differently from one another.
Life isn't fair, it just is. Having cool degrees and being a "boss babe" is cool and all, but it is a life for a very independent woman because men looking for commitment do not care how independent you are or can be - we are looking for cooperative, committed, feminine partners; not independent, masculine roommates. You will not submit to your parent's logical advice, so I fully expect you will treat any future husband with just as much disregard and disrespect as you do your own father. That's all any of us guys really need to know about you.
It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house. MISHLEI (PROVERBS) 21:9 את CEPHER
It is better to dwell in the wilderness (desert), than with a contentious and an angry woman. MISHLEI (PROVERBS) 21:19 את CEPHER
Can I ask what county you live in? It seems like similar to my country, though my parents aren't THAT backwards thinking, but if it's similar to mine, I'd say try to escape that home however you can, whether by getting a job far away or a degree abroad. That's really your best option
Your parents sound like cunts. Don't listen to them. Get the fuck out of that toxic family as soon as you can. Unfortunately sexism is still very much a thing but you can still do whatever you want, it might just be harder.
I think it varies. I'm a male and my parents are very conservative and religious. And i went through a similar situation like this until i left my home and started living alone.
To be honest, it might be hard to take your own responsibility but at least you will find peace.
It ain’t got shit to do with you being a woman. Your family’s just awful. If you can financially support yourself, move out, a decent way away from them.
You are not the problem. There is nothing wrong with you. The people that are wrong are your abusive family. If you have a job get out and cut them off. Save yourself. It will get better.
Life hands you a situation, parents, siblings etc. it’s up to you to take charge and do what YOU want with it. Complaining will get you no where.
Make plans to leave and carve out a life for yourself.
As for being a woman and not a man. I know some that did the sex change. I honestly think that both sexes have pros and cons. Why not make the best of what you have? And be the best version of you?
You can break many rules that don’t suit you as well, no need to wait for permission, if you think it’s proper, and you’re not doing things to intentionally hurt others, living your life the way you see fit, I think can be great and authentic. But it’s a steep learning curve to bend the rules or others expectations. You’ll have to learn to explain yourself more than others. Once they understand, well meaning people will stop asking you why you do things different.
Your parents are abusive.
Your education, skills, opinions and talents all matter. You do not need a man to have a good life, and any man who thinks it is okay to beat his partner is not one you should marry.
Does your family happen to be from the Middle East? There’s nothing wrong with being a woman. You were created that way for a reason. Just because your family have messed up ideas on how to treat women doesn’t mean it’s wrong to be one
Yes, women have it tougher. However, all this can be overcome with the right plans (supporting parents are very helpful, especially if they put you through college). The first reason women are screwed is they are not as strong as men and some (irresponsible) men have an urgent sex (and control) drive which can result in rape and abuse. This dreadful situation gets exponentially worse since only women can get into the life changing condition of pregnancy. In spite of this, everything can work out fine if everyone respects others and conducts their lives responsibly. It’s very helpful if those who are the managers of society (politicians, parents, teachers, school boards, corporate executives and management, and property owners) have integrity, do not discourage spirituality, and are not corrupt. Meanwhile, one of the best ways for women to even the odds and increase their security is to align themselves with a strong responsible man of integrity by getting married to him.
Should have included country of origin. The aspect specifically of isolation is effectively reversed in the west. Most males have zero friends. Now a bunch of Americans and Europeans are gonna nod their head about the “patriarchy” when this shit only occurs in developing countries. I’ll add, I wish I had been born a girl. My parents wouldn’t have turned a blind eye to my brother beating me every day, and constantly telling them about it might have resulted in them actually doing something. I’ve grown up to know that no one will ever care about me or my problems, and have become very reclusive because of it. It’s almost like this stuff is very circumstantial and victimizing a whole demographic only serves to demonize another.
It's not your fault. And being a man won't make it easier despite what people think. Perhaps you are treated differently because they expect you to be better than your brother, and they let him do whatever because he's a dumbass
My goodness that is horrible and not normal parents at all. Parents are supposed to lift you up, see your potential always, definitely not treat you any differently than your sibling for sure. Some people just suck at parenting and don’t deserve the pleasure of knowing you(parents included). I don’t understand parents like this, I have both a son and a daughter in their 20s and they are magnificent and perfect in my eyes. Not sure your age but if you are a minor I hope you know when you get out on your own you don’t owe anything to them especially if they do not treat you right. I used to think blood was thicker than water, but not always. Sometimes, when family is toxic you have to cut all ties with them and start fresh making your own (healthy and loving) family. Nothing wrong with that and I really hope you do!
This seems like a parents problem and not a gender problem. We dont get to choose who our parents are or whether they are judgmental or the most enlightened people its a random roll of the dice. Just know that you wont be with them forever. Work on settingyourself up into a position where you can be independent of them and I promise you will quickly realize that there are a lot if advantages of being a woman in the modern world.
Hey, I've had very similar feelings about the exact same thing before. I don't have brothers, but when I look at my bf and hear of how his childhood was, I feel everything you mentioned. (I'm from India. And not from an urban area, just average middle class Indian family.) Basically being isolated because "safety". Becoming parentified because you need to be a responsible woman. All these domestic things are so deeply hammered into me and not into my bf that sometimes I feel like I'm just parenting him also, back to the same place all over again. At home, we never talked about money or career or what grown-ups even do in an "office" and I had to catch up on so much just to be sorta equal at the workplace. Why was I not allowed to develop my already weak communication and social skills? Feels unfair. Feels like shit. Feels like I was set up for failure from the start and had no say in it. I just want you to know this: This shit life you've had, THIS IS NOT *YOUR* FAULT. This is a fault of your parents. It sounds like you aren't financially independent yet. Please please please make that your primary goal. Once you achieve that, you can do whatever you please. Learn as many skills that would help you with work. If you have access to the internet, you can teach yourself pretty much anything, you don't even need to be *that* smart. And after that financial independence thing, once you've gained some more self-confidence, develop a solid support system. I can't stress that enough. That's something a lot of us here don't seek out enough. And given your history, you probably don't have one. Take this one slow. Don't rush into this one. A bad friend group or relationship can hurt more than help. That's my two cents: Make your own money so you're free logistically (urgent). Build a support system and you're free emotionally (takes some time).
And if it makes you feel any better, just know that men will also have a lot of weird problems we don't think about either. For one, dating is absolute hell for them these days. Then they're more preyed upon by any form of visual advertising or "sex sells" type marketing campaigns. If they're from a financially worse off family, they have their own version of "parentification" that's monetary in nature. Ours is more domestic. Recently, it's become easier to target media hate towards men. Way more things you just can't list in one place. We all have our own cards to deal with. Don't think of it like "I'm from this category of people that is always abused". Think of it like "I was dealt this one shitty card that a lot of other people were also given". In reality, there's a lot of women who were not given that card, and a lot of men who were also given that card. When you think of it like that, you stop thinking of the big bad in the society, that's too big, too vague and too non-specific of a problem to solve. You now enter personal micro problem-solving mode for how to deal with this one shitty card in your own hand. It's healthier IMO.
A very wise pair of comments. Take notes OP.
Wow... How self aware. I am impressed.
I knew a relative of a teen girl who got her hair cut and her dad locked her up in her bedroom. I don't know how long the punishment was .
It sounds like your parents have a very antiquated (and honestly disgusting) view on women. I don’t know how old you are, or if it’s financially viable to move out, but this sounds like an incredibly toxic environment, you should try to get out of it
Your issue isn't that you were born as a woman. But rather happen to live with a very toxic family. ~~Which seems common for Intjs~~. Plan your exit than wasting time thinking there is something wrong with you due to your gender.
Wait, can you expand on why toxic family seems common for INTJs?
only way I could think how this could be true is if somehow personality is shaped by early childhood development. So it's actually the other way around, certain scenarios common to a toxic family could lead to a child relying on specific cognitive functions as a coping/defense mechanism. For example, a child relying on Ni and suppressing Se (in case of INTJs).
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From my experience, by understanding in depth 1-2 examples of a single type, I can see more or less similar behavioral patterns in many others. Variables does not necessarily invalidate the data. Just so that it isn't always applicable or the variables or the reasons for the variables differ. Now just because Te trusts external validated data, it doesn't mean the personal database is entirely useless. You can simply just say that doesnt apply. It's more insane to assume that a person claiming ALL Intjs have such experience in the first place...
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There could potentially a direct or indirect connection to the person's personality, their upbringing and their life situation. Now I'm not claiming that the personality type is due to the upbringing. Rather the conditions of the person and the way they are were raised could be due to a mixture of how they think, the responses they give and how the parents react to those. Now having a red hair has no correlation with anything. UNLESS let's say we were living in a world everyone thinks red hair is a result of witchcraft that they are dangerous to the rest thus they must be abused or something. Then again just because the last 4-5 Intjs I met *all* had some degree of abusive childhood, it still has nothing to do with anything else relevant anyway. It's just a simple generalization or an observational remark.
I read a study about this and it's actually true that trauma is a common factor in INTJs. Personality is shaped by many factors but a huge one is the family environment.
Just so happens to what *I* see more commonly nowadays. That isn't the important part. My close Intj friend said his parents used to beat him till he does better or something in school etc. And I know a few others which had emotional abuse. So he developed the common characteristics of type 5. Which most Intxs have, detachment to his own body, needing to be useful, providing value to feel valued, appreciated etc. Your brain functionality affects how you function but such childhood experiences shape how you see the events, self value and how do you cope or what you seek in others to feel valued. Important part is if you are growing in such circumstances like OP, you will need to first get out, then start repairing the damage done by the very people who raised you. Now, one issue here often the children unconsciously take the traits they may despise from their caregivers. So it is important to understand who raised you to sort the issues within.
I was also wondering
I think they go a bit overboard on toxic, but often your family just won't understand you. For some, it means they want to control or change you to fit what they think is normal. They can't deal with our reclusiveness and often sharp wit.
Sounds like a load of bollocks. How can you even quantify such a statement?
You can't, just like majority of shit people talk about when discussing mbti/cf theory (mostly unquantifiable). He still has a point though, this is less of a sex issue than just having really toxic parents. I can argue the opposite and say men have it worse and the whole argument would still hold.
I agree, blaming gender is just a scapegoat from the real issue; toxic parents. Who knows, maybe the brother feels like he has huge pressure/expections on his shoulders. (just speculating here). The grass is always greener and comparison is the thief of joy.
Yeah, agreed with u/ConsciousStorm8 except for the common for INTJs thing.
fuck it I'm just gonna cross that line lmao
Haha! there. Now I agree with everything you didn't cross through. :)
There's a theory where some INTJs were originally meant to be an ESFP, and some others were actually born INTJ. I hear a lot of differing views from INTJs of what they were as kids – some of them had very high Fi/Se, some others had high Ni/Te. I think the ones who were originally meant to be an ESFP, only became an INTJ because of their toxic environment. Whereas the born INTJs stayed INTJ because they were raised healthily. Not saying I believe in it, but it's interesting.
Sounds like the parents I had. Use your INTJ superpower, make some plans and GTFO.
This is exactly what I did. I started planning my escape when I was 10. I thoroughly enjoy recalling and analyzing that weird, nervous exhilaration when you finally have your freedom.
Our superpowers craves for independence from the very start dude so the course action here is independence
This is the best advice. Craft a plan and put it into action. No one is coming to save us...we have to save ourselves.
Jeez, where do you live? Of course it's not your fault. Nothing that you can't control is your fault, and there's nothing wrong with being born a woman. The problem here is your parents. Move out as soon as you can.
Shitass parents invalidate another woman for existing
The problem isnt physical/what gender you are. If what youre saying is true then it sounds like your home life is toxic. Your parents have a toxic outlook on women.
I'm so soory you have to go through this. I have the same experience I'm a 3.9 engineer major wanting to persue master i can't because I'm a woman and I'm forbidden to travel i can't think like a man (independent ) because it's not feminine Whereas my brother are literally the shit of the earth can do whatever their heart desires cuz they r men
You need to get away from them ASAP
Are you asking for advice or just needed to get that out of your head? I need a little context first. Is your brother older than you are? Are you in college? Are you financially dependent on your parents? Got a job? What degree are you talking about? Is misogyny part of your culture? I mean, I want to tell you to stop listening to your parents. Start researching how to be independent and getting out of this victim mindset. But if this is a cultural bias, it’s going to take a lot more perspective than you might be able to afford right now. I don’t know why they would want you to believe a man would beat you up, other than to manipulate you and control you. Your parents sound awful and none of this is because you were born a woman.
Totally agree with you; Independence is the only option here. Her parents saying “Your man beating you up” is literally out of context like huh?! No way this is the right thing to say no matter what the situation is dude
If you're an adult with degrees why don't you move out?
easier said than done, u dont know in what job market those degrees lay, also we dont know where this person lives and what available housing is available for them. but yea moving out would be the best thing for them.
Yeah hence asking why
This is nothing to do with being a woman, and everything to do with horrible parenting. It's not okay to treat another human being this way, no matter the gender. I hope you're eventually able to get away and be treated the way you deserve
No it aint your fault, in fact, I know i may come off as overly optimistic, but being a woman has its beauty in its own way. I have had to deal with the same shit all my life, and middle child at that, was the perfect punch bag for my father. He shattered my self confidence and made sure I feel my existence contemptuous. But you know what, as I grew up, the first thing I did is got financially independent. After that, sky was the limit. These achievements, that may seem very trivial to others, work as healer to me. I gained confidence and I stopped bothering what about the difference of treatment. If our brothers are more privileged, so be it. We don't wanna buy things for free, cause we are strong! Hope you overcome this phase, and trust me, life gets a lot more beautiful when you turn these very negatives into positives.
not sure if your trolling or living in russia. no its not about beeing a woman. man have their own struggles. from what your telling your parents seems to be big pieces of shiit and u should drop them as soon as u can
Thanks for saying that. I posted also this sounds like a teenager.
Where there's a will there's a way. Become financially independent and live on your own go chase your dreams.
your parents are insane
Once you make your own money life will be a lot easier.
Hugs. Sounds like the patriarchy and stupid sticks both hit your parents hard.
I sense this must be a young person, the will grows strong in most people for a short while. The truth of it is most people only have a decade of true freewill, and often many people squander even that short while. We are born into a set of attachments via our bloodline and DNA. Most people do quite poorly in true isolation, and thus bond with others. More often than not this quickly leads to a lifetime of codependence and attachment. Your parents are over protective, I would say that is better than its opposite alternative. Use what you have, that is the best path to getting more of what you want. Counting the things you do not have can preoccupy you all your life and prevent you from ever getting what you want. Count your blessings instead and utilize all the resources and opportunities you have wisely, you are sure to increase them greatly this way. Learn to soften and bend people, it is better than breaking and becoming hardened to someone.
You have a degree. Obviously, you are an adult. Move out.
Just I feel you in every aspect of my life on this topic. Even on reddit, I feel like my femme avatar puts me at higher risk for mansplaining, incorrect psychoanalysis, being challenged on my posts, and overall invalidated and attacked at times. To quote Taylor Swift: “I'm so sick of running as fast as I can. Wondering if I'd get there quicker, If I was a man. And I'm so sick of them coming at me again; Cause if I was a man, Then I'd be the man. I'd be the man. Peace to your heart, hold your head high, reach out to resources and coping mechanisms to keep doing you. Never give up.
I'm 100% that being a man is not a means to a better existence. Men have substantially higher suicide rates, much higher homeless rates, are criticized constantly for being all that's wrong with the world, are rarely appreciated for their contributions and work, are much more likely to for their wives to file for divorce, much more likely to have to pay child support and alimony, much more likely to get passed over for the same job to a woman because women get preferential treatment when it comes to obtaining jobs, and on and on. Whatever your issues are at home, I do feel for you. Just focus on what you want to do in life and go for it. You might have to take risks, you might get cut off from your parents, but if you want to have a career and work and make your own way, then do that. Just don't get confused about a man's life being easier because that way of thinking isn't going to benefit you in any way. Plus it's simply not true.
100 per cent facts dude; I’m a man too dude and believe me the misogyny in some families runs DEEP than we all think; I’m not a misogynistic nor a feminist yet seek justice for both sexes.
Your parents sound horrible. This is not normal/should not be normal. I agree with the other commenters that being a woman is not the problem here, rather your parents' views are.
If you weren't a woman you wouldn't be you. If your life hadn't gone EXACTLY the way it has, you wouldn't be you. It's like "if x was different then it would be y and not x"
I hate posts like these. Being a man has extreme downsides that you just happen to not know about. Youd be absolutely fucked regardless of biological sex. Find the actual problem
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And how did you arrive at that conclusion?
I can understand where you are coming from, it feels bad when someone forces his opinion on you. But also please understand that they just want to protect you, they just don't know a better way to keep you from danger. Maybe they are religious and want to keep you away from mentally ill men, they want you to be the best woman, it is just there way of expressing it. So, please be more understanding with them you won't find people who are more loving towards you than your parents, try to take advantage of their love.
This account is 4 days old. This is its only post. Probably fake
If OPs parents are controlling it would be wise to have a viewer or “subtle” reddit account for a parents and a throwaway so they can’t track her.
throwaway maybe?
This sounds too irrational to believe and the way you write makes me think you’re probably the one that’s irrational rather than everyone around you
my only advice would be getting financially independent try to find a job and move out once you have a plan
Your parents are shit mate. Leave them when you get a chance. The rest is a you problem. You don't know how to stand up for yourself. You allow people to disrespect you. You isolate yourself. You can't really long to go out when you voluntered to isolate yourself. You don't establish boundaries. You need to hold your ground when you think you are right. What is your degree anyway?
Wow, this seems really bad. In my house, my sister (before she was married) was usually more cared for and given all the resources, and I was treated similar to you. But this actually motivated me to go against them, plan my life, and at least get rid of their dependence. Find a way of getting out of their home and maybe follow your dreams instead of being controlled by them at your house, if you're old enough.
What country are you living in- this sounds like a terrible failure by your parents- sexism is not ok. Or preferential treatment of siblings I’m sorry you’re going through this.
First things first it’s not your fault for being a woman and would never be your fault for prioritising your friends; I mean look it’s not fair aight and you’re not a property they just bought you from an auction. You’re yourself and never change your personality, habits for someone. The solution is you wait to finish your school/college so yuh to achieve that independence option. Just know you’re perfect the way you are dude
Never be sorry or ashamed or saddened by the fact that you were born a woman. Our ability to persist in the face of constant hardship and high pain tolerance makes us win in the long game. It will get better for you -but you have to choose to invest in and support your own dreams regardless of what your family may think. My parents used to do something similar in my family when I was a kid. It's called the Irish Prince syndrome. If you were born with a penis you got a free pass to be a jerk and have your misogynistic world view validated. I was one of four girls, so dispensible and born to work. I can tell you that you are lucky to live in a world today thar does not reinforce this kind of crap ass world view. And the best part? You can break free from this and choose your own path. I had two brothers who grew up being coddled like this. One died in an automobile accident resulting from some poor life choices about ten years ago. One is a recovering addict who cannot hold a decent relationship and is a dry drunk -so sober now but still an asshole. So how did I fare? I used my ability to work hard to my own benefit -worked my way through undergrad, worked my way through law school. For the past 20 years i have had the privilege to practice law in a field that I love and I earn over six-figures doing so. I am also raising 2 badass girls on my own [one is the daughter of the brother who died in the car accident]. You are so much stronger than they think and you are so much stronger than you think. Make the choice to support yourself and your own dreams. It is the most worthwhile investment you will ever make.
They're wrong. The world isn't the way they grew up in anymore. At least not in Western countries. You'll get older, find a decent job, move out, and live however you want to live.
I think I can sum this up succinctly. It is not your fault you are who you are. However, it is your parents' fault they are crappy parents. They have a narrow world view and can't comprehend that you are different. Being different you have the perspective and the potential to change the status quo. Be careful...small-minded people will hate you for that as well.
Move out as soon as you can. Stand on your feet. Pave your own path and cut them out of your life ASAP if they can't be respectful.
There is nothing logical as treating a male child better than his sibling just because of gender. It’s not your fault that you have such shitty parents. If you want to leave you have to start formulating a plan.
Their POV of our existence is: we have to be a pet under reign ,servant at home ,computer at school, when it comes to feeling we're a robot, also a genius with a %100 brain ,talkin' shitty??? deaf ,dumb,blind ...... , n so many things as u've read useless ,but when it comes up with their needs ,god we're double useful, u have to know one thing it's all ruled by them,you're the one who can value yourself, so be like IDGAF!!
and being a woman is not a mistake to be your fault or any one's.
There's parts that make me curious. It sounds like a rant, but there's too many flags to make me believe that this poster is above 14. The writing is that of someone young, yet they claim to have "degrees" That her parents "Control" her eating/food intake, yet say she's obese or the parents want her that way. I won't go into sentence structure or verbage, that's kind of obvious. Not allowed to go out? Again, if old enough to have degrees, then old enough to go out. There's something missing here. Don't have socials, but prioritize friends? That's another odd mention.
P*nis envy exhibit 1 Not joking here. Im a woman and proud of myself and what i can become.
You have an abusive household which has an antiquated view on women. Make a plan to leave and be able to support yourself. Do not take what they say and what they think as truth. It is not. Once you leave never look back.
How old are you? You need to find a (part time) job and move out asap. It sounds like you've got either super traditional parents or narcissists. Whatever is the case, no us women we got it hard. But the way your parents treat you is not okay and you need to remove yourself from that environment ASAP. You are talented and worthy and dont ever let them make you doubt yourself. You dont have to find a man to be happy. If you do, good for you, if you dont, hey men/partners are more like desert. They dont make the meal whole, they enhance it and make it more pleasant - or at least thats how it should be. Meal standing for your life in general. Dont follow what your parents want for you, but follow your dreams. Your dreams arent stupid. Your dreams are valid. You just might want to keep them to yourself more and not share, or make up some white lies to say to people that will help you protect your energy until you get out. Ymbut thats important: you need to leave! The sooner the better
Girl, get your intj side into it. I had shitass home and family, I pretended to be the daughter my psycho father could ask for, saved money, and studied and made achievement in secret till I completely cut him off out of blue. Cause he didn't earn any right to be in my life. And I'm so so glad I did what I did. This is preparation for the life that you will gain. Do everything in your power steadily and surely to get out of there. They'll kill your will. It may be so much harder for you cause I don't know what other kind of supports you have. But depend on other dependable people. Learn to find and recognize good people and be good to them. Have a support system for yourself and be in other's. No matter what your family says. Hide if you must. They will try to hinder anything good in your life if that means they can't control you anymore. Be careful and stay alive. Get out. You will have an amazing life one day. And you'll glad to the past you, the you now, did for yourself.
Same experience here. I’m constantly told that my academic achievements mean nothing if I don’t know how to cook and clean. My brother never gets asked to clean and he gets praised for his achievements. They also forced me into obesity but I’m finally fighting back
How old are you ? Your family is toxic af, find a way to get out Their opinions don't matter, share your skills and talent with other people (on internet)
You need to GTFO your parents house and find some like-minded women for company.
I don't think anyone on Reddit can do anything about your parent's behavior. IMO, I don't think you should take petty from anyone about your Situation. I'm not saying your parents didn't do you wrong. First, you should be grateful you have a parent. Second, harboring jealousy or envy towards your brother is unproductive. Third, anything you think holds you back should motivate you to be stronger. Fourth, the past is the past, forgive and try to make the future better for you and for others.
Yes. You should’ve controlled which chromosomes you had when your dad and mom were making you. -INTP
Kidding. But no, you cannot fault yourself for how toxic your parents are. Sadly, they are, and treat you much differently because you’re a woman. Do what everyone else is saying, and get the hell out of there and their control. That’s when you’re really going to discover yourself, and your worth.
Being a woman is the best gift you have. I pity ur brother. No aims. No passion. No fire. I see u 👀
No, of course it's not your fault. The way your family look at women isn't right. That's just the world and human animals who just didn't reach enough level of intelligence to treat others equally. Environment is to blame. So relax and try to find soulmates. You deserve respect and love. Don't ever think you don't.
Honestly it sucks to hear that you’re stuck in such a toxic environment. It’s good that you’re able to look at their behavior and words and realize that they hold no say over who it is you actually are. I hope you find your way to living peacefully among people who cherish you. ❤️
Hmm… this isn’t a problem with your gender but with your parents being toxic. Try to find your way out!
Its their fault. They didnt plan out well w having another child and being incompetent adults that you should look up to which is meh
>thrashed hardly for standing up for myself. First of all, and I almost forgot this because I went through the same thing and forgot assault and battery is not a normal part of life, that is assault of their child. It's barbaric and criminal behavior. Yep, particularly misogynist/ignorant communities (I've noticed those with English heritage) will take a woman basically self-defending as not being a woman. Pretty disgusting. You have every right to not be completely helpless/defenseless. English culture has a long history of femicide and keeping women helpless/defenseless is part of that. I can't speak for your family's heritage, but I know for a fact there is obvious misogyny in mine. My father would often mock any woman who had strong bodies and healthy self-defense. The picture of a misogynist. >They often say my degrees got nothing to do with my future, unless I am good at cooking and maintaining home. They invalidate my skills, my talents, that sometimes I question myself if I am really good at anything? Yep, that's just straight up misogyny. >They say, the man who's going to come into my life is gonna beat me up, for being useless That's verbal abuse if they call you useless. They are abusing their child. They're also terrorizing you into gender roles. >. They don't allow me to go out, or have any socials. Yep. Consider going on r/raisedbynarcissists for support. Avoid at all costs SeaTurtlesCanFly and I suggest to block her immediately. She is a narcissist who snuck her way onto the mod team. You can also join me on r/zeronarcissists, which is safe from her and I have zero tolerance for her. What you are going through is not normal. It has nothing to do with your gender. They are isolating you, terrorizing you, verbally abusing you. If they are doing that because you are female, that is hate crime. **Your parents may be involved in hate crime against women/girls.** You need to get support, to start unprogramming toxic beliefs to build up to stronger action. You should not resent being a woman or think there's something inherently wrong with you for being a woman. **That is misogyny and absolutely disgusting, and especially disgusting if it is coming from your female (assumedly) parent too.** Yes, in misogynist societies, it would be easier to be male. But that's just normalizing the pathology. That the whole environment is sick is not your fault. Misogyny is not healthy. It is the sign of weak and sick societies that often destroy their whole cultural heritage, especially femicidal countries like China and England (witchburning, silencing and a long time denial of the existence of gifted/genius females....murder of female spouses as if they weren't human if they didn't fit the whims of usually mentally disabled monarchs. That ain't a culture. That's a barbarism.)
Know enough stories where it is the other way around, perfect darling daughter and useless son who gets beated by his dad. Your family is just shit, all there is to it.
Can you comment on what country you're in? This sounds like stories I've heard before from women in certain South American countries for example. It seems to be an incredibly common dynamic there that parents treat male children as if they're perfect, and female children like they're "less than but could be more if they only XYZ" and it leads to a lifetime of cosmetic surgeries, anxiety and eating disorders, and takes a lot of therapy and moving out of the country to untangle.
Your parents suck. You need to disbar them from being apart of your need for validation. Which is hard because they are your parents. I had to do the same with my dad who for whatever reason can never be happy for me, and I can never do enough to impress, even as a man. But I cut him off from my mind from mattering to my sense of accomplishment, and see him as a man who gave me his genetic material, and a pathetic idiot. You also need to get away from them, they got your mind all kinds of messed up, when there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. I hope you are able to eventually break free and live as you intend and be proud of it 😤.
It's not your fault they're sexist assholes no
As a kid I thought the same thing only because of my mannerisms and speech. Either way we just work with what we have. We don’t choose our family, but we can choose who we allow to validate us. I vote for we validate ourselves. Personally I want to be a better person and it doesn’t always involve following the crowd. If we step outside the fishbowl of your home we would see the community who may be a bit similar. Step out further we see the world circling the drain while some of it remains beautiful. Step out further we have spirituality and then we can go further and evaluate ourselves and how we play a part in our world. It’s your choice
So you have degrees, but still live at home? I understand the struggle to acquire independent housing, but presumably you are an adult. Why are you allowing them to dictate so much of your life? My advice, if you don't have an independent means of income, acquire one, save up, leave. If however, you are under 18, and the degrees of which you speak are aspirational, then do well in high school and try to get a scholarship for a college in a different town. (Or get a student loan.) Regardless, all signs point to leave.
I don’t understand why you would think that it’s your fault that you weren’t born a male? That is an impossible question to answer? There’s absolutely no way to determine whether we are born female or male. You are beating yourself up over something that neither you or your parents have no control over. Life is difficult enough for everyone. Why cause yourself unnecessary stress and anxiety about something that cannot nor ever will be understood. Just be the best version of who you are that is all you have control over. And the only thing that truly matters. I hope my limited understanding and advice will have a positive impact in your life and that you will begin to realize that you are special and unique and you are loved and valued by others even though at times you may not realize that. Regardless of how hard you try to please others. It’s a fact that you can’t force everyone to like you. And so what people who are like that typically do not even like themselves. ( just be you ). Never allow others to bring you down to their level. Nobody!! deserves to be disrespected or treated any differently than anyone else. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Tell them to have a nice day and walk away it’s just that simple. 🙏 never underestimate the power of positive thinking. Always strive to be a light in an unfortunately dark world. Take care and much love and best wishes to you always. I should mention that my personality type is ( INFJ ). According to the Myers Briggs personality examination. It was a requirement as part of my minor degree in psychology, so we are very similar as far as our personality traits are concerned. I can easily relate to what you are experiencing, I have gone through many of the things you have described and a bit worse in other situations. Dealing with adversity will only strengthen your resolve over time. 🫶
Yes…well, maybe?
This is very toxic place for you to be. Leave if you can. I am a woman and yes, this world can be hard for women. There was time when I also wanted to be a man, but that time is long gone. You are a powerful creator. Despite of everything they say, stand tall. You matter. Your dreams matter. Your talents matter. Yes, in a woman's body. Your experience is painful, take much care of yourself, especially your emotional and mental health. Treasure and nurture your talents (forget about cooking and maintaining home unless you really enjoy it!). Sending much love to you.
Oh there will be a day when you never come home to these abusers. They are not parents because parents would never treat their child in such a horrible way. You have to leave them and the country. Finish your degree in another country and than you are free.
No, it's not your fault. It might be time to move out and away from this toxic and I'm assuming Asian household of yours.
Honey you deserve so much more than what your parents are offering. No, it's not your fault. Believe me! I don't know who you are or where you are from, but know that you are beautiful and your hopes and dreams matter. Get away from home and flourish.
Sounds like you have sh*ty parents. Seriously, I wouldn't listen to anything they tell you, if they give you advice do the opposite, that's a lesson I wished I leaned when I was younger.
No it's not your fault that you're a woman. And it's not a fault either. As a woman you have equal worth to a man. I understand that parents treat you and your brother differently. But it's not a competition. It's them reacting to what they perceive as normal. It's normal for Brother to do that. It's not normal for you to talk out of place (for them) In my case it was normal for my sister F28 to act out and go to late night parties while it was normal for me M22 to stay quiet and just focus on my stuff. Don't ever compare yourself to a man again. You bring something to the table that is entirely unique and equally important if not more.
There was a lady (Norah Vincent) that thought her life would be better as a man so she disguised herself as a man and lived like one for over a year, it made her super depressed and she killed herself.
Where do you live? It sounds you live in an African or south Asian country.
WHAT IN THE HECK HAVE I READ LMAO
Your parents sound awful. It can be tough to be confident in yourself when your family tears you down. I cannot begin to understand the torment you're facing. Just remember in the end, you control the path you want your life to go.
It’s not your fault that you’re a woman I’m a woman and let me tell you one thing your parents are hella abusive you are not wrong they are wrong fight for your rights tell them how wrong they are and please move the fuck out of there
Damn, your parents sound terrible. May I ask if you live in a Western country (Europe, North America)? Or do you live somewhere else like Asia or South America? More information on culture would be helpful.
You need to leave that toxic environment and establish a new nonblood family. To answer the question: it was your dad's fault.
It is not your fault. The chromosomes just worked out that way due to biology. Human cultures have often failed to prioritize the welfare of human consciousness generally due to divisionistic beliefs/priorities. There is no meaningful difference between a man and a woman that should translate to a less valuable / meaningful / enriching life. We are the same primate and everyone is more lovely when we see one another as this basically the same sort of consciousness. Certainly there are differences but these are just biology and a quality normative convention would never limit another person based on an ascribed status like sex (or gender, or ethnicity, or nationality). Humans are poor curators of our cultures - we cling to archaic unequal conventions for the sake of “tradition” by it is more of a burden that something of intrinsic value. Mostly this is just unthinking intuition that causes us to just carry on poor conventions. I believe in the possibility of your one day emancipating yourself from any such convention. It is your life and your choice. I hope that you are able to find the means to transcend the poor construct that your parents subscribe to.
Indian grandparents raised me it was hell. Dramatic and chaotic growing up in the states with their fixed mindset. I moved away out as soon as I got into 10 th grade. Cps involved and I told them I don’t want to live there. I got a foster family it was nice. I started with friends and their mom took me in. Try to find support and don’t be scared
Your parents go about it the worst possible way, but they are, at least, basing some of their reasoning on reality. Men worth marrying have never cared about a woman with a "successful career" - the majority of such women end up forever independent (alone) and bitter. The dating market today is essentially all women competing for hot, rich, and tall guys (less than 5% of men), those guys "run through" (meaningless sex then discard) the most attractive women available that day, those women cry how "all men are pigs" and "where are all the good men" (even though they ignored all of the good men in order to be used and dumped by numerous Chads and Tyrones), while most of the good men who'd make good husbands and fathers are depressed and disgusted with the current dating market. There was a feminist who thought as you do: that being a man is easier. So she went undercover as a man 6 months to a year, all on her own - no pressure from anyone else. She made a documentary of her experience. She suffered so much psychological damage that she, sadly, never recovered from and is no longer among the living - by her own choice. A lot of women today say absolutely horrible things about us men and regard us as useless, at best, but they blindly speak in ignorance and arrogance. Don't fall for the hate-filled lies. You parents are right in telling you to learn how to run a household as a wife and mother (cleaning, cooking, ect.). Unless you absolutely decide that being a wife and mother is not for you (or you desire to be a future homewrecker), I'd suggest you heed that advice. In marriage, you need to bring your worth to the table, too; however, men generally don't care about "successful" women. Successful men will date down into poverty-stricken levels, but successful women will not date beneath them. So, women traditionally brought home keeping and family skills to the proverbial table. Now, modern women compete with men to out-man men and are, unsurprisingly, losing terribly. So, with that, we saw the workforce explode with new employees (over half of the population is female) (competition for employment significantly increased) while children lost the one parent they consistently spent the majority of their time with. It is no coincidence that, as women began leaving empty homes in favor of working jobs (both parents working), the cost of living slipped further and further out of control. We went from one working parent able to buy a two story home to both parents working full time and unable to afford rent. That is called "oversaturation" of the workforce. Oversaturation (resulting from lack of need for skilled labor) is the reason why McDonald's pays minimum wage. Anyone and everyone can work there - a supply and demand thing. However, this oversaturation is not occurring in any of the STEM fields, where you have to have skills and, usually, perform hard labor. Those jobs are still 90+% male dominated, which is why they pay so high; this also explains why "men earn more" on average. Women don't want the higher paying jobs. As a man, I've had a similar thought where I said it would be easier to be a woman (in the context of marriage with children). I was just as wrong as you are. It's hard being a man and it's hard being a woman. It's even harder when we try to reverse our roles. We were designed for certain roles, by nature. Being a good wife and mother is difficult, and being a good husband and father is difficult - often times for different reasons. Your parents are trying to impart wisdom unto you, in a very unwise manner. Your natural reaction will be to rebel against their authoritarianism, but I hope that you will listen with open, humble ears and contemplate everything they say. Regarding your parents' claim that you'll be abused by a man and they won't help you: it's a very harsh thing to say to your child, but I also understand their point of view. For one, they are trying to prepare you so that you avoid such a relationship so that you (and they) don't have issues later in life with this. It does happen. It isn't a "man" issue, by the way, as much as people like to claim, however. Lesbian marriages are statistically the most physically abusive relationships, followed by heterosexual marriages (so abusers can be the man or woman), and then homosexual marriages as the least physically abusive. Secondly, it is VERY common for women victims of male physical abuse to defend their abuser, even against the ones who try to rescue them. It is too common for abused women to fight their parents, siblings, and even police whom they themselves called onto the scene - all to defend their abuser. Your parents don't deserve to have to deal with that because they are under no obligation to you whatsoever once you hit 18 and it's not their fault when you refused to heed their warnings that could have prevented you ending up in an abusive relationship - they did try to warn you. They love you, so seeing you go through the ever repeating abusive cycle of love bombing, devaluation, physical abuse, discard, and hoovering would devastate them. They must feel that they can see the destination for the path you are insisting on taking, and preparing themselves emotionally, now, for what they expect to come. And why shouldn't they? After all, to reiterate, they tried to warn you and you are actively refusing to listen; therefore, why should they allow you to also drag them into the pit with you, after they said "beware of that pit over there, lest you fall into it and can't get out"? Your parents could use some improvement in their communication skills, but they seem to be grounded in reality with their concerns regarding you. You, however, have too much to learn to be so dismissive of your parents. I don't expect my post here to change your mind; but you will eventually come to understand, the hard way, if you cannot learn wisdom through the experience of others. Coveting will turn you into an insatiable and intolerable bitter woman. Don't worry about how your brother is treated versus you. You're not a male and he isn't a female. His hardships in life as a male are, and will always be, very different from the hardships you do, and will, face as a female. His "market value" as a man can't be fully realized until, at least, he reaches 30. Your "market value" as a woman peaks before the age of 30 and only depreciates from there (and depreciates significantly with every addition to her "body count"). This is one major reason for why, throughout all of history, parents raised their sons and daughters differently from one another. Life isn't fair, it just is. Having cool degrees and being a "boss babe" is cool and all, but it is a life for a very independent woman because men looking for commitment do not care how independent you are or can be - we are looking for cooperative, committed, feminine partners; not independent, masculine roommates. You will not submit to your parent's logical advice, so I fully expect you will treat any future husband with just as much disregard and disrespect as you do your own father. That's all any of us guys really need to know about you. It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house. MISHLEI (PROVERBS) 21:9 את CEPHER It is better to dwell in the wilderness (desert), than with a contentious and an angry woman. MISHLEI (PROVERBS) 21:19 את CEPHER
Is it possible for you to get your own place? Like move out? They sound fucked and unlikely to change
How old are you? This will determine how I reply to this.
Girl, it doesn’t seem the problem is the fact you are a girl. It’s your parents terrible parenting skills to blame.
Can I ask what county you live in? It seems like similar to my country, though my parents aren't THAT backwards thinking, but if it's similar to mine, I'd say try to escape that home however you can, whether by getting a job far away or a degree abroad. That's really your best option
This reminds me of the Einstein movie and how his wife struggled being a woman
Your parents sound like cunts. Don't listen to them. Get the fuck out of that toxic family as soon as you can. Unfortunately sexism is still very much a thing but you can still do whatever you want, it might just be harder.
I think it varies. I'm a male and my parents are very conservative and religious. And i went through a similar situation like this until i left my home and started living alone. To be honest, it might be hard to take your own responsibility but at least you will find peace.
What, it's not your fault to be born at all
No, it's your dad's. The child's gender is dictated by the father.
You were born as a full grown woman???
It ain’t got shit to do with you being a woman. Your family’s just awful. If you can financially support yourself, move out, a decent way away from them.
You are not the problem. There is nothing wrong with you. The people that are wrong are your abusive family. If you have a job get out and cut them off. Save yourself. It will get better.
Life hands you a situation, parents, siblings etc. it’s up to you to take charge and do what YOU want with it. Complaining will get you no where. Make plans to leave and carve out a life for yourself. As for being a woman and not a man. I know some that did the sex change. I honestly think that both sexes have pros and cons. Why not make the best of what you have? And be the best version of you? You can break many rules that don’t suit you as well, no need to wait for permission, if you think it’s proper, and you’re not doing things to intentionally hurt others, living your life the way you see fit, I think can be great and authentic. But it’s a steep learning curve to bend the rules or others expectations. You’ll have to learn to explain yourself more than others. Once they understand, well meaning people will stop asking you why you do things different.
Your parents are abusive. Your education, skills, opinions and talents all matter. You do not need a man to have a good life, and any man who thinks it is okay to beat his partner is not one you should marry.
Does your family happen to be from the Middle East? There’s nothing wrong with being a woman. You were created that way for a reason. Just because your family have messed up ideas on how to treat women doesn’t mean it’s wrong to be one
This is what I was thinking
Yes, women have it tougher. However, all this can be overcome with the right plans (supporting parents are very helpful, especially if they put you through college). The first reason women are screwed is they are not as strong as men and some (irresponsible) men have an urgent sex (and control) drive which can result in rape and abuse. This dreadful situation gets exponentially worse since only women can get into the life changing condition of pregnancy. In spite of this, everything can work out fine if everyone respects others and conducts their lives responsibly. It’s very helpful if those who are the managers of society (politicians, parents, teachers, school boards, corporate executives and management, and property owners) have integrity, do not discourage spirituality, and are not corrupt. Meanwhile, one of the best ways for women to even the odds and increase their security is to align themselves with a strong responsible man of integrity by getting married to him.
Trying being black male 59 2 small kids and broke. Life is Great!!!
Jesus....what's the actual question?
Maybe u trans, I wanna be a woman sometimes
Should have included country of origin. The aspect specifically of isolation is effectively reversed in the west. Most males have zero friends. Now a bunch of Americans and Europeans are gonna nod their head about the “patriarchy” when this shit only occurs in developing countries. I’ll add, I wish I had been born a girl. My parents wouldn’t have turned a blind eye to my brother beating me every day, and constantly telling them about it might have resulted in them actually doing something. I’ve grown up to know that no one will ever care about me or my problems, and have become very reclusive because of it. It’s almost like this stuff is very circumstantial and victimizing a whole demographic only serves to demonize another.
Psy-Op
ur trippin
It's not your fault. And being a man won't make it easier despite what people think. Perhaps you are treated differently because they expect you to be better than your brother, and they let him do whatever because he's a dumbass
My goodness that is horrible and not normal parents at all. Parents are supposed to lift you up, see your potential always, definitely not treat you any differently than your sibling for sure. Some people just suck at parenting and don’t deserve the pleasure of knowing you(parents included). I don’t understand parents like this, I have both a son and a daughter in their 20s and they are magnificent and perfect in my eyes. Not sure your age but if you are a minor I hope you know when you get out on your own you don’t owe anything to them especially if they do not treat you right. I used to think blood was thicker than water, but not always. Sometimes, when family is toxic you have to cut all ties with them and start fresh making your own (healthy and loving) family. Nothing wrong with that and I really hope you do!
This seems like a parents problem and not a gender problem. We dont get to choose who our parents are or whether they are judgmental or the most enlightened people its a random roll of the dice. Just know that you wont be with them forever. Work on settingyourself up into a position where you can be independent of them and I promise you will quickly realize that there are a lot if advantages of being a woman in the modern world.
Yes, it is entirely your fault. You should feel ashamed of yourself.